Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is W. Come Out Bell.
[1] And I feel insistent about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[2] That's the way.
[3] You kick the door down.
[4] I kick the door down.
[5] I'm not leaving without being your friend.
[6] I'll take all these people with me. Fall is here.
[7] Hear the yell.
[8] Back to school.
[9] Ring the bell.
[10] Brand new.
[11] Brand new shoes.
[12] Walking loose.
[13] Climb the fence, books and pens.
[14] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[15] I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend As usual, I'm joined by Mr. Matt Gourley, Matt, how are you?
[16] Hi, I'm fine, I'm in full voice.
[17] Yes, exactly, and you bring that up for a reason because Sona came in today, and she has no voice, and she just keeps making us giggle because your attempts to talk are a lot of fun.
[18] What's going on with you?
[19] My voice is good.
[20] My voice is good.
[21] So what, so what, do you know why your voice is gone?
[22] Did you go to a, a club?
[23] Did you scream at your twins?
[24] No, I think that I, I mean, Andy explained this to me. It could have, I, Andy, I'm going to translate because it's very hard.
[25] Sometimes when a mouse is talking at the bottom of a well, it's hard to hear everything the mouse says.
[26] But what the mouse at the bottom of the well just said was Andy was talking, and that's Andy Richter.
[27] Andy Richter.
[28] Who's out in the hallway?
[29] Who's out in the hallway?
[30] Sometimes if you have a lot of mucus, which I did, it could.
[31] It could sometimes happen.
[32] He explained it, and I listened, I understood, and I forgot.
[33] I think it's better to go to Andy Richter than any doctor.
[34] Okay.
[35] Yeah.
[36] He told me my heart's fine, by the way.
[37] Oh, oh.
[38] Is it not fine?
[39] Well, you know, every now and then.
[40] But no. I go to Andy for all important decisions about my health.
[41] No. And you still came in, which makes you a real trooper.
[42] Well, I didn't want to.
[43] But I couldn't say.
[44] I couldn't, just couldn't, not couldn't.
[45] Today's not the day, O 'Brien.
[46] Today is not the day.
[47] This is sad because your voice is your superpower and you without your voice is kind of pitiful.
[48] Imagine being in an ethnic house with a lot of Armenians and not being able to project.
[49] It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. So you have such a powerful voice and you've, and Eduardo, you will chime in on this that she has blown out many of our minds.
[50] Yeah, this is her fourth microphone.
[51] Oh, gosh.
[52] Can you do that?
[53] No, it's true.
[54] It's true.
[55] We've got very sophisticated equipment in here.
[56] I speak in what's been described as dulcet tones.
[57] Gourly Ero Pro.
[58] Yeah, they call me the pod, the velvet pod.
[59] Yeah.
[60] The foggy pod voice.
[61] Yeah.
[62] The potty pod.
[63] The foggy pod.
[64] He's a foggy pod.
[65] The other problem, I have to admit, is Blay sits in on these, and he's a giant bellows that you'd put next to a fireplace.
[66] Right.
[67] You're extremely loud.
[68] I always have to turn down my earphones when he puts up to the mic.
[69] Don't just take it easy.
[70] Don't do your normal thing, Blay.
[71] But when you get excited, it's not your fault.
[72] You get excited because you're like a giant, giant sheep dog.
[73] And you go running up to the mic and you yell things.
[74] All of that is true.
[75] That was better.
[76] Thank you.
[77] That was fantastic.
[78] Can I also just say, I feel like it's not my fault because I have a large head.
[79] So naturally, my voice is louder just because of the physicality.
[80] Yeah, I wouldn't know about a large head.
[81] Yeah.
[82] Six of your heads fit inside one.
[83] one of my head.
[84] So I'm not interested in that excuse.
[85] Sona, does it hurt to talk, I hope?
[86] I mean...
[87] I hope.
[88] No, no, what I meant to say was...
[89] Is it painful when you speak?
[90] No, it's not painful.
[91] It doesn't hurt at all.
[92] It's kind of painful to me. I don't care.
[93] I don't care what's painful to you.
[94] What's it with your kids, understand?
[95] I didn't mean it either.
[96] Do your kids, and you have disciplinary issues with your...
[97] With your twins, but do they, is it hard to keep them?
[98] Well, you've sent me videos of them pretty much taking the house apart with hammers.
[99] Are you able to control them when you don't have your voice?
[100] No, so yesterday, because I usually read to them when TACs at karate.
[101] And then yesterday, I couldn't read to them.
[102] Let me just, again, translate.
[103] Your husband TAC still takes karate.
[104] Three to three times a week?
[105] Three nights a week, yeah.
[106] Well, he's ready.
[107] He's ready for that ninja attack.
[108] Okay.
[109] So, and then.
[110] No, no, not at all.
[111] I think it's ridiculous, a father of two.
[112] He has no, there's no time for a karate.
[113] There's no time.
[114] You two thinks for yourself that you're supposed to continue.
[115] No, I go to a place where I am wax.
[116] Someone else does the waxing.
[117] They just put on the, you know what I mean?
[118] And then I'm scraped and exfoliated and powdered.
[119] Oh, those powders.
[120] Anyway, so you, uh...
[121] So I was, I usually read to the voice.
[122] Mikey could not understand why I couldn't read to him, even though I was like, I just don't have a voice.
[123] I don't have a voice.
[124] He probably thought you didn't love him or something.
[125] Yeah, he just, and he yelled, read, read, read over and over again for like an hour.
[126] What a monster.
[127] What a tyrant.
[128] What a tyrant.
[129] Oh, my God.
[130] Yeah.
[131] I hated it so much.
[132] Very Stalin -esque, I think.
[133] I almost started crying because I was like, oh, what am I going to do?
[134] I don't have a voice.
[135] You think I like this?
[136] Yeah, he has no empathy.
[137] This is the worst thing.
[138] Yeah.
[139] Yeah.
[140] Oh, it's scary.
[141] Don't say that about my case.
[142] No, no, I'm just saying he'll grow.
[143] And let's just tell Petit and Phillips' empathetic inner voice.
[144] Oh, my God.
[145] Well, I'm just saying it's for him to him to be.
[146] be screaming at his sick mother terrible you're one to talk um you're an awful person uh your daughter's lovely by the way she is lovely um clearly clearly empathetic no that's matter with your daughter she nothing's wrong with my daughter she's just really giving us a run for her money i was up at three and haven't been asleep since also she's big into role play you know where she'll go like you're elsa i'm anna or you're cookie monster i'm big bird but then now she goes up to strangers in the streets okay she'll go up to a grown man by himself look at me point at him and go you this guy.
[147] Oh.
[148] And the guy's like, what?
[149] So she's directing an improv show with unwilling participants.
[150] Yeah, which makes me feel like I got to go up to the guy and go like, can you give me some of your character traits?
[151] What are you into?
[152] Yeah.
[153] I got to faithfully portray you or my daughter's going to throw a tantrum.
[154] You do have kind of a laugh.
[155] Your laugh kind of works still.
[156] They're a little bit there.
[157] Yeah, that's nice.
[158] The laugh works.
[159] As long as the laugh works, I'm happy.
[160] As long as I get the chuckles, I'm good.
[161] do you feel any you have any any what are you i can't hear i'm sorry oh this is the sweetest thing i'm i really want to hear you i want to say do you feel it all sad for me why are you laughing no i'm not laughing at you i don't call me a dick you big rod no i'm not big rod i'm not saying i'm on your side i do feel sad for you i don't i think it's adorable i have to say i'm being really honest now sona i don't feel badly for you i feel I don't.
[162] I have no feelings of sadness.
[163] I think it's adorable.
[164] I want to give you a little cheese.
[165] I want you to live in a little hole in the wall.
[166] I want you, I want you every now and then to decide that you're going to take a little leaf and turn it into a boat and go down a stream.
[167] Do you know what I mean?
[168] And that when it rains, you just take a little top of an acorn, you put it over you.
[169] It protects you from the rain.
[170] This is not, it's, I wish I didn't come into work today.
[171] I'm so glad you did.
[172] It makes me happy.
[173] The good thing is that after the interview, we're going to come back for a segment and talk more about this.
[174] Yeah.
[175] So you're about to be part of the segment, and that's going to be fun.
[176] Okay.
[177] Because, you know, I'm sure it's going to be a great interview, but just you chiming in every now and then a little squeak, squeak is going to make me happy.
[178] You're such a bad person.
[179] Yeah, probably.
[180] All right, we should go.
[181] Sona, best of luck during this.
[182] Best of luck during the interview.
[183] You apologize.
[184] My guest today is an Emmy Award winning comedian and writer.
[185] I won't apologize.
[186] Now you can see him as a guest correspondent on the 16th season of the ABC series.
[187] What would you do streaming on Hulu?
[188] He's a good friend to us.
[189] I'm thrilled.
[190] He's with us today.
[191] W. Come out, Bell, welcome.
[192] I have sent you emails, and you respond to those emails, which is, like, ahead of a lot of people.
[193] So, I feel like that's a...
[194] No, I'm very...
[195] Oh, so now I'm hearing you just respond to every email.
[196] I just respond to everything.
[197] Nigerian princes.
[198] Oh, my, I'm so tight.
[199] I am so tight with the Nigerian prince.
[200] Fishing stamps.
[201] I didn't just give money.
[202] I then visited the Nigerian prince, and we hang a lot.
[203] He's a very nice person.
[204] It's terrible what happened to him.
[205] Subject line is, I want to catfish you.
[206] You're like, sure, let's talk about this.
[207] How do we get this catfish going?
[208] It was a, I remember we had one, we were going back and forth in something, and then you, for some reason, sent me a picture of your apartment.
[209] And I was like, you need to clean.
[210] Oh, yeah.
[211] And then I felt like I had invaded your space.
[212] Yeah.
[213] But it was very messy.
[214] I'm just saying, you got to get that shit together.
[215] First of all, I live in a house.
[216] I don't know why I got putting an apartment.
[217] Like, I'm a grown man with children.
[218] All I could see was two.
[219] All I could see was one room.
[220] Well, I didn't go here.
[221] Let me show you every room in my house.
[222] Well, that's what I expected.
[223] To be a completion.
[224] Let me show you the outside, every room.
[225] Here's my kids' rooms, all three of them.
[226] Here's my wife's room.
[227] Here's a closet.
[228] Here's some clothes.
[229] I'm, yeah, no, I didn't.
[230] I forget what the reason was, but I'm sure it was regular reasons of the time.
[231] And I feel weird that you brought it up.
[232] I'm glad I brought it up.
[233] I just demonstrated to everyone two things that were capable of being very close.
[234] and you could be neater.
[235] Those are the two things I want to come out of this podcast.
[236] Those two things are true.
[237] Those two things are true.
[238] That is true.
[239] Since then we moved into a smaller house and now my area is the room is the area of the house next to my side of the bed.
[240] That's the only area I get to do with what I want.
[241] So it makes it easier to clean up now.
[242] Do you have any weapons in the house?
[243] That's what I want to know.
[244] No, we don't have any weapons in the house.
[245] Okay.
[246] I have a five -year -old who's very feral.
[247] Okay, I want to...
[248] What are you going to do a home invasion?
[249] I'm bringing this up for a reason.
[250] I'm bringing this up for a reason.
[251] And I want to get your take on this.
[252] And tell me if I'm crazy or not.
[253] This is friends with a comedian actor, Joel McHale.
[254] Joel McHale's running schick with me is he always gives me weapons.
[255] Not guns or anything like that, but kind of interesting steam punky weapons that you can buy on the dark web.
[256] One of those knives that does this?
[257] You get one of those.
[258] All kinds of crazy things.
[259] And I always ended up like hiding them and putting them on a high shelf.
[260] And then I think, was my birthday last year, he gave me a crossbow and a real crossbow.
[261] So now I'm announcing this to the world.
[262] But what am I going to use a crossbow?
[263] And it's apparently like a very nice crossbow.
[264] And it's a box.
[265] It's completely unassembled in the box.
[266] So I just put the box way on this top shelf.
[267] When I say top shelf, I'm six four.
[268] How tall are you?
[269] Six four.
[270] Okay.
[271] I have to stand on a box to reach the top of this shelf and slide this box up there.
[272] So it's way, way, way up on top of this very, very high shelf in our garage.
[273] And it's facing the other way, so you can't even see what it is.
[274] And it's this box.
[275] And inside, it has a disassembled crossbow.
[276] And the other day, my wife is saying, I think it's just crazy.
[277] You have that thing in the garage.
[278] And I said, what?
[279] And she said, I mean, anyone breaks into our garage?
[280] And there's a weapon right there.
[281] And I said, what?
[282] And then she said, you know, you could, someone could come in and they could use that crossbow against us.
[283] And I said, hold on a second.
[284] You're saying someone could come into our garage.
[285] reach, see that box, investigate it, spend 40 minutes assembling a 14th century weapon and then come up into our bedroom and I said and menace us, that's what I used.
[286] I said menace us with a crossbow and they've got one shot and then I charge.
[287] I was like, okay, that part.
[288] You don't strike me as a charger.
[289] You strike me as a target.
[290] You strike me as old school cower.
[291] Yeah.
[292] Like an old school, not even new school cower.
[293] I'm sorry, I misspoke.
[294] My wife would charge I would flee.
[295] Fair enough.
[296] Flea screaming, the money's in there.
[297] I can always remarry.
[298] I would scream as I fled.
[299] The insurance is in her name.
[300] She has more shoes than you think.
[301] As I flee into the underbrush.
[302] Anyway, I just thought, no, that's not something I, that's not a, yes, if I had a handgun lying around, but I don't think that's a legitimate thing to be worried about.
[303] I want you to weigh in.
[304] I just like the fact that the person.
[305] breaks into the house first of all you have no security apparently which is interesting breaks in the house to get that out there too i do not security just there's no alarm working crossbow i don't believe in alarms yeah yeah yeah so they don't really work they so they get to this high shelf so they're like so let's say it's like uh victor wimbunyama breaks into your house so he just reaches up and grabs it because he's seven four it would have to be someone uh yeah he who can see it he just looks and goes oh crossbow right there pulls it opens it up it's a crossbow probably not expecting a crossbow then they pull up a YouTube video on their phone how to assemble this crossbow and you hear all the like and in that time you and your wife are just deep ambient sleep like no deep deep sleep and then comes into the bedroom and the first thing I would do is I'd be looking at the crossbow and the person wielding it and probably noticing that they've missed a step in the assembly and I'd be saying that one of those ones you have to step on and pull up or oh yeah I think it's a very complicated There's like a ratchet.
[306] Oh, my God.
[307] Yeah, I mean, crossbows were always complicated.
[308] They were not, that's why we don't still have them around in general.
[309] They very quickly were like, this isn't, this isn't worth it.
[310] There was a rash of drive -by crossbow firing.
[311] Muskets also, like, didn't last very long.
[312] You better stand there for 20 minutes while I get this reloaded.
[313] Yeah, that's not, these are not the weapons that.
[314] I'm going to empty this powder into this, yeah.
[315] But I can guarantee my wife would not let me have any style of crossbow assembled or unassembled in the house.
[316] Yeah.
[317] Well, so, so you're not.
[318] sort of saying my wife is you get it you get it maybe I was wrong I was I was having fun with the whole thing as I do mocking first mistake is a husband yep robbing her of uh her agency and um and I was wrong I admit now that I was wrong okay but we also have a fully functioning World War II landmine it's armed and I just thought someone would go to that first of course it's armed dummy okay so I'm not going to buy a dud online yeah I think cost me $600 now that I'm because that's fully armed.
[319] It's ready to go.
[320] It's ready to go.
[321] I'm always amazed at, you know, people that, I think it's a big thing here in L .A. is people that have a lot of weapons in the house.
[322] And I always think, that's, that just doesn't go well.
[323] That never is it.
[324] It doesn't seem like a good idea.
[325] I mean, people forget that California is basically like Texas with gay people.
[326] You know what I mean?
[327] Like it's not, it's not really this sort of like bright blue, whatever.
[328] Most of the state is Texas.
[329] So there's a lot of guns.
[330] Right.
[331] There's a lot of guns.
[332] We just sort of have different laws, but it doesn't mean we don't have the number of guns.
[333] Right, right.
[334] We're just, I mean, but I, I would, Joel would give me, he gave me a, were you there, Adam?
[335] He gave me a mace.
[336] Like a, like a, but it's, but like a modern interpretation of a, of a, of a night's mace.
[337] So it's not the big, spiky ball, but it was this sort of steampunk mace that someone's making in their, in their basement and selling them online.
[338] So like the kind of mace, somebody would pitch on Shark Tank.
[339] Exactly.
[340] I have updated the mace.
[341] And two of the sharks would be interested.
[342] Yeah.
[343] Others, you know, Mr. Wonderful's definitely in.
[344] Mr. Wonderful would be like, I'm in, but we're doing it my way.
[345] Yeah, yeah.
[346] You license the mace.
[347] Mark Cuban, the Dallas Mavericks, we don't have a mace in our team store.
[348] I have to say, Mark Cuban is always, always the one saying, for that reason, I'm out.
[349] He always says it almost immediately.
[350] Almost immediately.
[351] He rarely gets involved.
[352] I'd like this to be a deep dive on shark time.
[353] I don't watch any tight.
[354] I don't watch Shark Tank.
[355] I did have a period of time where I was like, that was the one show I watched.
[356] So I could have done it.
[357] I could do a deep dive one of show.
[358] That was the only show I watched on TV.
[359] Should I quickly explain, Sona showed up today.
[360] She has lost her voice.
[361] She was at an all -light rave.
[362] I went to a rave.
[363] And this is her real voice right now.
[364] And I just wanted, in case people don't know, like they're listening to this interview with this very funny guest.
[365] I wore a candy necklace.
[366] And at one point you were saying, like, I'm not sure I should come in.
[367] And I was praying that you would come in because it sounds like you're at the bottom of a very deep hole.
[368] I know.
[369] It's awful.
[370] I didn't why I felt bad coming in because it is distracting.
[371] I'm a very loud person.
[372] No, I know.
[373] I know.
[374] And I was also mad at you a little bit, too.
[375] Oh, my two.
[376] We have beef.
[377] We have beef.
[378] We have beef.
[379] Because I just invite you to the rave.
[380] No, that's the second beef.
[381] We have two beef.
[382] We have double beef.
[383] Double beef.
[384] Two patties of beef.
[385] Our books came out on the same day.
[386] Oh, that's right.
[387] I remember that.
[388] But you know what?
[389] I remember that because I saw your name on the New York Times bestseller list right next to mine.
[390] Except your state there's longer.
[391] Yeah, that's why the beef is not as hot as it would have been.
[392] But I did notice it was like, oh, well, excuse me, competing on this weird obscure list that doesn't make any sense.
[393] I know.
[394] Random assortment of lists written by people who might be.
[395] celebrities.
[396] Matt, there are four people at this table.
[397] Two of them are talking about the day that they were on the New York Times best seller list.
[398] And you and I don't know what's happening.
[399] We don't experience that.
[400] No, we don't.
[401] But we know our World War II minds.
[402] Yeah, yeah.
[403] It was the same.
[404] It was a contact mine.
[405] Same.
[406] Okay.
[407] Yeah.
[408] So was that a New York Times bestseller rave last night?
[409] Then I will be mad.
[410] Yeah, it was.
[411] All their favorite members on the list were invited.
[412] The guy who wrote the subtle art of not giving a fuck.
[413] Yep.
[414] Yep.
[415] He was tearing it up he didn't give a fun I just love listening to her like this is there any way I don't want this to sound in any way insensitive but can we do something to you surgically so you always sound like this this is fantastic no I mean they could yes they could you shouldn't but yes that is a thing that could well thank you doctor you could it's like Jurassic Park you can do it should you do it is the second question Exactly.
[416] It's the first time I've seen you kind of vulnerable.
[417] It's nice.
[418] Yeah.
[419] It's nice.
[420] I hate it so much.
[421] It's like a pirate who's now in a tiny little canoe.
[422] Yes.
[423] Yes.
[424] You know, you're used to the pirate being like, and they've got lots of men with cutlasses and you're scared.
[425] And now you've got this little canoe and a little pea shoe.
[426] What the hell?
[427] I'm sorry.
[428] That's what you are now.
[429] She's screaming right now.
[430] No one's afraid of you.
[431] It was like General Patton took a hit off a helium balloon or something, you know.
[432] Be waiting.
[433] The trick is not to die for your country It's to get the other son of a bitch To die for his country What else is going on with you?
[434] Here's what I want to say That an area where I do think First of all I always I always bonded with you over TV We just love to watch a lot of television We grew up watching a lot of television It infected us early I think it's where probably we got a lot of our sense of humor But you watch a lot of YouTube That is something I don't do nearly as much.
[435] How did you find that out?
[436] Yes, I do watch a lot of YouTube.
[437] I did find it out.
[438] So what is it, what do you like to watch on YouTube that you're not getting on television?
[439] Like, what's YouTube giving you that, and that's not challenging because I just want to know, like, should I be watching more YouTube?
[440] I mean, so there's a phenomenon called slow radio, which is like radio where not much is happening.
[441] YouTube is like slow TV, so it doesn't have to be a lot happening, but it just keeps sort of happening in front of you.
[442] sort of, it can help you settle your brain, I feel like sometimes.
[443] So it does not like, like in an era where every TV show you turn on, it's like, well, the last episode you got to like, where the supranification of television where, yes, you need to know this much.
[444] Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'm out.
[445] I have three kids.
[446] I'm busy.
[447] I can't do all that.
[448] Last night I watched a guy, Dr. Connor from, he's from the UK and somewhere.
[449] And he cleaned out somebody's impacted ear.
[450] Oh.
[451] And he's in, and okay.
[452] And he's got a British accent.
[453] So it's very, like, light and entertaining.
[454] You missed the rave for that?
[455] Yeah, I missed the rave for that, yeah.
[456] Well, it was a really impacted ear.
[457] He couldn't come.
[458] He was really impacted.
[459] I couldn't come.
[460] He was, uh, so I started with, I used to watch.
[461] I still do, uh, Dr. Pimple Popper.
[462] Everybody knows Dr. Pimple Popper.
[463] And then I sort of moved to ears.
[464] And then, you know, the gateway to ear.
[465] Yeah.
[466] So last time, as I was an ear, nose, and throat man. I'm an ear, nose, and throat man. But then there's just a lot of...
[467] I'm a breast guy, and you're an earnose and throat man. So, and then there's a lot of people, there's a whole generation of young people growing up who don't actually even want to be on TV, so they're actually spending time and effort to make things that are very good that should be on TV maybe, but these people didn't grow up in a TV generation.
[468] So they're just like, I watched a four -hour video about plagiarism on YouTube.
[469] Oh, really?
[470] Yeah, like four hours, just about plagiarism as it happens by a guy named H -bomber guy.
[471] And I didn't know I was going to watch all four hours of it.
[472] I was like, ah, let's see what happens.
[473] And then it's like three in the morning.
[474] I'm like holding my phone.
[475] Like, I got to see how this ends.
[476] Does he solve the case?
[477] So there's these, they're called video essays.
[478] And so there's like FD Signifier, H. Bomber guy.
[479] I just discovered Lindsay Ellis.
[480] Like there's all these people who are making these basically documentaries, but out of their homes on YouTube.
[481] And so it's better that I find it to be more entertaining than what's on TV generally.
[482] And what about like cooking shows?
[483] Do you ever do cooking shows?
[484] Yeah, who's the guy, uh, uh, binging with Babish is good?
[485] Because he takes shit.
[486] You would like this.
[487] He takes food that has been on television.
[488] Like, for example, on the same.
[489] Simpsons, they make something, and he makes it in real life.
[490] And so you get to see, like, the food that has been a part of TV shows that he then creates.
[491] I could see that for most any other TV show, but Simpsons is a cartoon.
[492] So I don't know how they're recreating.
[493] I mean, like, if someone goes to Mose and order something.
[494] Like, yeah, like the, like, I think like the sandwich, the famous, like the big sandwich that Homer wore.
[495] He makes, what he thinks is his version of that.
[496] And when he does, like, soprano stuff and the guff, like, he does a lot of, like, yeah.
[497] So, yeah, so there's just a variety of things on YouTube.
[498] Like, for example, like, my daughter wanted to learn how to ride a bike, and I don't know how to teach a kid how to ride a bike.
[499] And so we were at the park.
[500] She's like, I would have learned today!
[501] She's very insistent.
[502] Right.
[503] And so I Googled, easy way to teach kid to ride bike on YouTube.
[504] And up top this video of this guy who's like, here's how you teach a kid out of ride a bike in five minutes.
[505] And it worked in about seven minutes.
[506] That's fantastic.
[507] It's a font of, I feel like YouTube gets disrespected because we think we know.
[508] We think we know it.
[509] I think there's a certain thing that's perfect, and that's a perfect application for YouTube.
[510] The ways that I use YouTube are mostly for guitar.
[511] Like, there'll be a song that I hear and I really want to hear it.
[512] And all I have to do is push in, how do I play that song on the guitar?
[513] And there are nine people there.
[514] Two are always from England.
[515] I don't know why.
[516] And they're in their basement and they're showing me how to do it.
[517] And they're being very patient.
[518] And I really connect with some of these people.
[519] And I think that's a fantastic use of it.
[520] I think when people are going on YouTube to learn how to defend themselves legally in a court of law or remove a cornea, you know, that's where it's a problem.
[521] Well, yeah, that's, that, that happened to me. I shouldn't have removed that cornea, but, uh, fair.
[522] And you went on YouTube, how to put it back.
[523] How to put a cornea back?
[524] How do I put it in five minutes?
[525] Because I don't have a lot of time.
[526] How do I reattacks this cornea?
[527] And life is good?
[528] Not really.
[529] What?
[530] Now, here's the thing.
[531] I overheard.
[532] I'm coming down the stairs because I hear you talking to Andy Richter, who's out there hanging out, taking food from the kitchen.
[533] Yeah, it's looking at a co -working space.
[534] And selling it online.
[535] And as I was coming down the stairs, he said, how's it going?
[536] And you said, I did the thing where you answered honestly, which you're not supposed to do.
[537] You know, like, I just sort of, I forget sometimes that you're supposed to be like, oh, it's great.
[538] And it's not bad.
[539] Not in that voice.
[540] It's great.
[541] Everything's fine.
[542] Thanks for asking.
[543] I feel really great about all my life choices in the state of the world.
[544] It's really growing great.
[545] I have no issues.
[546] I have nothing.
[547] I got three kids.
[548] That's the perfect number of kids to have.
[549] You got a 12 year old and a 9 year old to 5 year old.
[550] Those ages are all awesome.
[551] Yeah, everything's great.
[552] Nothing, nothing going wrong.
[553] Mom's 86.
[554] Things are perfect.
[555] Yes.
[556] Right.
[557] And I picked the right business to be in.
[558] Show business.
[559] I've made a lot of good choices.
[560] Yeah.
[561] No, so things are good.
[562] You, I get the sense, correct me if I'm wrong, you like some chaos.
[563] Oh, no, no, no. You like, you like, I feel like, because you always have, it always feels to me like you have a bunch of things.
[564] Too many things.
[565] Too many things going on at the same time and you must be drawn to that.
[566] I get very phobic, you know, people want me to be thinking about more than one thing at a time and I visibly tense up because I just want to think about one thing at a time.
[567] and I feel like you like to put yourself in a position where okay I'm doing this show for ABC but I'm doing this special for CNN but I'm also doing this and I'm also doing that and then I'm building a kiln to make some some parts yeah well and then I got to finish that ear impact video uh I mean I think my problem is that I'm just curious about a lot of things so I definitely do tend to overload myself with like I can do this and I can do that and then also again I you know show business you can't be like I'm going to do one project because that's going to be the one that is going to pay my bills.
[568] So you're like, I got to, probably should start all four of these things and see what happens.
[569] And then I look up and be like, oh, my God.
[570] Like there's too many things.
[571] Yeah.
[572] So, but I am, unfortunately, as an only child, curious about a lot of things, can sort of talk myself into any idea and often attracted to ideas that are like, you know, that later I'm like, who's idea was this.
[573] And my wife's like, you're the one who decided to do a four -hour documentary about Bill Cosby.
[574] I'm like, oh, that's right.
[575] It wasn't me. Right.
[576] That never gets a laugh.
[577] It used to.
[578] You know, I was like, as being a stand -of -comic and who's doing, you have to, I have to make my own gravy, like the dog food commercial.
[579] Like, I can't, like, wait for somebody else to go, you're the guy.
[580] You know, I know, I sort of know where I exist in this business, thankfully.
[581] So I'm not going to get the call where it's like we figured out who the next Marvel hero is.
[582] It's you.
[583] It's not going to happen.
[584] So I just know that I have to sort of, like, do my own thing.
[585] Also, the training involved and the diet.
[586] that's why I haven't done it Oh really?
[587] That's the reason Only reason.
[588] Yeah, every day they call Are you ready?
[589] Are you ready?
[590] What are they offering you?
[591] What role?
[592] Let him pick.
[593] You can have your pick of, yeah.
[594] Well, apparently Captain Marvel had a...
[595] Is there a Captain Marvel?
[596] Yeah, but it's a woman.
[597] It's a woman.
[598] Yeah.
[599] Well, she has a great grandmother.
[600] And I could play her.
[601] Grandmarvel.
[602] Yeah, with a prominent eye vein.
[603] And thin lips.
[604] So, but also I had to get in kick -ass shape for that.
[605] No, I just...
[606] Is this kick -ass shape?
[607] Yeah.
[608] I just didn't know.
[609] I just don't know.
[610] I don't know.
[611] Clearly, you took your glasses off.
[612] You can't see.
[613] You're sitting opposite an incredible male specimen.
[614] I'm sure.
[615] I just didn't know.
[616] I just didn't know.
[617] I was making sure that I could judge what you think kick -ass shape is.
[618] There's waves of testosterone coming off my body right now, right, Sona.
[619] No, there isn't at all.
[620] She's like, there's not a wave.
[621] I think it's your body deflecting testosterone.
[622] Oh, that's it.
[623] It's testosterone.
[624] It's trying to...
[625] Testosterone is passing through your body.
[626] If there's any testosterone in the air, my body repels it immediately and makes a cloud.
[627] Yeah, I'm just...
[628] Sona, I'm enjoying this.
[629] I'm so glad you like it.
[630] Yeah.
[631] I like when you...
[632] Oh, burn.
[633] That was really...
[634] Yeah, yeah, that was good.
[635] That was really good.
[636] Who do you sound like?
[637] Yeah, move on.
[638] Move on.
[639] Who is it?
[640] Move on.
[641] It's like Marlon Brando when he's dying in the godfather, you know?
[642] Okay.
[643] It is someone who's bleeding out.
[644] Yeah.
[645] It's someone who just has maybe another minute to live and it's like, My killer was.
[646] And then.
[647] And then I die.
[648] Chaz Palmetry.
[649] Oh, God.
[650] Is that what you're getting?
[651] Chas Palmetry.
[652] I'm getting a little Chas Palmetry.
[653] Shut up, play.
[654] Oh.
[655] That actually worked with like, yeah.
[656] I'm going to go ahead and say, I hate it.
[657] It is Chas Palmetry from like a Bronx tale.
[658] Yeah.
[659] No, it's not.
[660] It is.
[661] It's Bronxdale.
[662] It's Bronxdale Chass Pomeroy.
[663] Is it?
[664] And by the way, when you leaned in and said, I'm getting a little Chaz Pomerary, I thought in a different context, that could mean something very different.
[665] You know what I mean?
[666] Say, now you can't leave.
[667] That's from...
[668] Now you can't leave.
[669] That's, yeah, it's Chas.
[670] You know what, Tack says I sound like the pervert from the family guy.
[671] Oh.
[672] You don't know who he's talking about?
[673] No, I don't.
[674] That's why I went, oh.
[675] But he's getting a little Chaz Pallmentary.
[676] Yeah.
[677] That's your...
[678] blending in.
[679] That's your fake.
[680] Oh, I do that when I, and I don't know what's going on.
[681] When she's going to say, like, yeah, well, the Environmental Protection Agency made that ruling in 1974.
[682] And I go, oh, yeah.
[683] Yeah, sure they did.
[684] It's not going to talk anymore.
[685] No, no, no. We love it.
[686] Keeps chiming in.
[687] No. Okay.
[688] This gig you're working on now, you're a guest correspondent.
[689] Yes.
[690] On this ABC show that you were a fan of already called What Would You Do?
[691] I mean, yeah, this show, what would you do?
[692] It's been on the air.
[693] It's for, like, 15 seasons.
[694] It's one of those shows that, like, a lot of people don't think about.
[695] But if you describe it to them, they're like, oh, yeah, I've seen that show.
[696] It's like, it's John Cignonas sets up these sort of like prank things, but always with like a sense of like, will people help?
[697] And so it's been on the air for a long time.
[698] It's big on social media.
[699] It's big with TikTokers.
[700] But it's like, because there's all these short clips of seeing people in awkward situations, trying to figure out what people would respond to that situation.
[701] So I've seen it and thought it was a good show, but never in any way thought that I would be invited to be a part of it.
[702] But I got a call because because the skills that I think I've developed over the years seem to be applicable to this.
[703] And I got to film it in Mobile, Alabama, which is my dad's hometown.
[704] So you said, I want to film this.
[705] Do you choose Mobile, or was it just a nice coincidence?
[706] I mean, they knew I was from Mobile.
[707] They chose it for me. Okay.
[708] I think also because John was like, I'm not going to Alabama.
[709] Yeah.
[710] And you can only film it in certain states because you can't do hidden camera shows like you can't do it in California.
[711] So of course you can do them anywhere in the South because the laws are just, you know, like so.
[712] There are no laws.
[713] Yeah.
[714] The times I've seen the show, I think I saw one where there was either a pregnant woman or a woman pretending to be pregnant and her husbands or her partners berating her for like, you got to lose weight and they're just trying to see if anyone is going to do anything.
[715] Yeah.
[716] And it's nice because I always like it, obviously, when people rise to the occasion.
[717] Yeah, I think it's sort of, you know, we live in this time of like, I mean, it's been overstated.
[718] It's the most divided.
[719] It's the most polarized.
[720] And it just sort of shows that like people will generally step up if they can help in some small way, you know, it's not a simile or crossbow level of help, But if there's some sort of like, I can tell you to like, I see you being taking advantage of, let me help you out.
[721] So yeah, it's it's heartwarming at a time of heart -coldening this country.
[722] Are you a, this gets tricky, but I always lean slightly optimistic even during these times.
[723] And sometimes I get shit for that.
[724] But I do read a lot of history.
[725] And I'm reading a book now about 19th century and an election where the country is completely divided.
[726] And one side thinks the other side cheated.
[727] and there's a lot of misinformation.
[728] And Samuel Tilden thinks that he won the presidency.
[729] But there's this massive fight between Hayes and Tilden.
[730] And I'm reading it and going, oh, we've been here before.
[731] Like, I keep reading things and thinking we've been here before.
[732] The difference being now that we have the internet.
[733] But I try to always maintain some calm.
[734] But unfortunately, my rallying cry is, hey, everybody, things have always been kind of shitty.
[735] Take it easy.
[736] It was, you know, there was a lot of misinformation, cruelty.
[737] you know and just overall crudiness for hundreds of years and that doesn't seem to cheer people up.
[738] If the country can overcome Samuel Tilden, you all remember how hard that was.
[739] Yeah.
[740] It was a big deal.
[741] It was a big deal.
[742] People were bringing, you know, weapons to Congress and threatening each other.
[743] I can't even imagine.
[744] And I was reading about it and I was thinking, wait a minute, this is madness.
[745] This is, you know, we've done this before.
[746] I mean, I always feel like optimism.
[747] optimism only means something if people are doing the work to make that the optimism makes sense so I think that like I think some people like to use optimism as a way to sort of go I it's going to be fine anyway back to a love at first sight or whatever that shows you know like anyway back to this video this guy getting this crud out of this ear but I think that if you're not literally I'm you know doing the work to make things better or you're not in some way putting yourself out there to help then the optimism is ill -founded but as a student of history, you also know, like, no country's on top forever.
[748] So I feel like we might be in the, like, so I think the world might be fine, but America might be like, you know, over.
[749] Oh, but we did.
[750] Jesus.
[751] But all the time we have for today, I'm going to wrap things up now.
[752] How come that makes me laugh at all?
[753] But then the question is, what does it mean when they say it's over?
[754] Like, sometimes people say to me, oh, there's going to be a civil war.
[755] And I say, well, it's not going to be 1861.
[756] where the country's divided over a fairly neatly defined Mason -Dixon line and you've got Northern and Southern States, it's going to be Oxnard's fighting with Malibu.
[757] Like, it's going to be...
[758] I'd like to see that show.
[759] Exactly, but...
[760] Do you know what I mean?
[761] I don't understand how there's a...
[762] And then I also feel like, yes, people are really riled up, but they're also going to want to still be able to go to their ATM and get their money and then go to that movie they want to see or whatever.
[763] They're going to want to go to that restaurant they want.
[764] I don't see what...
[765] what it looks like.
[766] What is, what is the Civil War going to look like?
[767] I mean, I, you know, I think that I don't know exactly how it plays out, but I do think that there's, like, when people go to see Rome, what are you going to see when you're, what are the things that the tourists want to see?
[768] Like, the ruins of what used to be.
[769] So I think you might be like, this used to be a restaurant I went to.
[770] They have the Coliseum.
[771] And you're saying that we're going to be Sofi Stadium.
[772] Well, that's it.
[773] Okay.
[774] All right.
[775] I was picturing like a cheesecake factory that has Got vines growing all over it.
[776] This was a food court.
[777] You don't imagine they had Italian food, but also Greek food.
[778] It's called 7 -Eleven, but it was open 24 hours.
[779] But go ahead.
[780] You were making a serious point.
[781] No, I don't have to do that.
[782] No, no, I want to hear it.
[783] No, I think that, like, even think about this, like with immigration, this country was whatever it was because we had the best publicist going who said, if you're smart somewhere in the world, go to America.
[784] And you can then make, you can then be the best version of yourself.
[785] And so we got credit for a lot of people coming here to then give us their talents and then be American, you know?
[786] Yep.
[787] And now I think if you're some smart kid growing up somewhere on the other side of the planet, you're like, is that really?
[788] Is America the place I want to go?
[789] So then some other place becomes that place.
[790] And I don't know what that place is.
[791] I Google every day, like, what's the new America?
[792] Yeah.
[793] Where are they going?
[794] Yeah.
[795] Because I still think when I travel around that I do think people are still interested in coming to the United States.
[796] No, I think, I just think, but yeah.
[797] You're just looking ahead.
[798] You're saying...
[799] I'm looking post -November.
[800] That's all I'm doing.
[801] Oh, I thought you meant the near future.
[802] Oh, we're okay.
[803] I got till November.
[804] Actually, I get this question a lot.
[805] Like, are you hopeful come out?
[806] And people want me to be helpful because I think that means they don't have to do anything.
[807] Yeah, I want you to be...
[808] That's why I asked you.
[809] Yeah, yeah.
[810] Because I want you to say it's fine.
[811] So then I can go yogurt shopping.
[812] Yeah, exactly.
[813] And then...
[814] And that's why I'm just like...
[815] I'm looking for a gated community.
[816] that has three gates one inside the other and then you can say I don't have an alarm system I just have three gates I have nine gates no I don't know I it doesn't have to be this way like there are things we can do to make this to make this country better than it is but we have to be invested in outcomes that are outside of just if it's better for us in particular and Americans have a hard time with that you know so like you drive through cities and you see sites of things that go this didn't used to look like this or these people didn't used to live like this in this way and we drive past and you go well good luck to those people but you know i think that like we have to be invested in the success of the community and i think one thing that's happened politically in this country is a lot of people in this country are really uninvested in community they're more invested in themselves right yeah it's very easy for people to just surf online and be made in rage because if you let the algorithm run you the algorithm will always push you towards anger yes So the algorithm runs on us all big.
[817] Like you're more likely to be like, I hate that guy and click to the next thing.
[818] And like, isn't that nice?
[819] So I think that like that's why it's on both sides is because if you're getting, if you're sort of really like locked in on social media, you will be, you'll be angry all day.
[820] So for me, when I post on social media, I try to give people an opportunity to engage or help instead of just isn't this sad.
[821] Isn't this terrible?
[822] Yeah.
[823] Or at least, or, you know, or laugh.
[824] Like, isn't this funny?
[825] I think isn't this funny is way better than isn't this sad with no, with no help.
[826] attached to it right yeah well i think uh i mean that brings it back to comedians i think comedians are the real heroes oh god isn't that where we were going yeah i think if there's any if there's any superheroes in this world true i don't need that gig there's anybody who really i mean the true purple heart winners are the comedians in basements and nightclubs around this country no no no no just specific ones with podcasts oh oh well podcasting is really the real yeah that's The real hero.
[827] First of all, just even getting a podcast shows that you've really decided to become a hero.
[828] Yeah.
[829] And the heroes used to be late night host and then about two and a half years ago, I feel like it switched over.
[830] Yeah, it's weird.
[831] Yeah.
[832] Who can say why?
[833] So on this show, do you, did you get to be in on what these scenarios would be?
[834] I got to sort of like guide them and sort of like put my two cents in.
[835] And it's funny when you watch the show because John can notice is really like managing the show over his like on a like a device like tell them to say this and I'm watching like I'm watching the show in real time like oh don't do that ah that's it like I'm really like I'm watching it like a viewer and because my dad's from Alabama I felt really like connected to like don't embarrass me Alabama because as we all know Alabama's good for embarrassing itself so when Alabama looks good I'm like it's like they scored a touchdown I'm like yeah Alabama doesn't look shitty because Alabama really that's on the license plate yeah yeah yeah Alabama goes way out of its way And I've been texting people in Alabama, like, can I still come home?
[836] Can I still walk around?
[837] How old were you when you left Alabama?
[838] I mean, I never, I've been going my whole life.
[839] So I never like was, I was, I would, I just, like, I used to go every summer.
[840] I used to, like, and I lived there for two and a half years.
[841] But I've never, like, lived there for a whole period of time.
[842] Am I wrong?
[843] I would feel like summer would be the time to take a break from Alabama.
[844] Well, that's got to be brutal.
[845] My mom felt summer was the time to ship her son off to Alabama so she can enjoy her summer.
[846] That was how my mom was like, go, go visit your dad so you can connect with your dad.
[847] And so I grew up thinking that my mom never.
[848] You should be very close to the equator.
[849] Yeah, yeah.
[850] I grew up thinking my mom never had a social life, but she's like, no, I did that in the summers.
[851] That's when I was out doing fun things is when I would send you to your dad's in Alabama.
[852] So, yeah.
[853] Were you an only child?
[854] I have an only child.
[855] Oh, my God.
[856] Yeah.
[857] Okay.
[858] Yeah.
[859] I can't.
[860] I don't know.
[861] I can only imagine.
[862] And trust me, as a child, I spent a lot of time imagining.
[863] I, whenever I find these sad only children who.
[864] were like, I wish I had, I'm like, I had none of that.
[865] I was so happy to be an only child.
[866] I feel like you get to have your own thoughts.
[867] You get to be, you get to think your own things, you get to do your own thing.
[868] Like, I have three daughters, and they're always just fighting about nonsense.
[869] And I'm like, and sometimes I'm like, I say to my middle kid, yeah, it was great to be an only child.
[870] So I understand what you're dealing with right now because this, I wouldn't want to put it with any of this nonsense.
[871] Explain your fascination.
[872] Not that you need to explain it because it makes sense to me, but I want to talk to you about Denzel Washington because you've devoted a chunk of your life to Denzel Washington.
[873] Yes, an incredible actor, a very good.
[874] Yes, an incredible actor?
[875] Like, yes.
[876] Yeah, Michael Jordan, pretty good at basketball.
[877] I didn't say pretty good.
[878] You said, like, yes, an incredible actor.
[879] Well, yes, I'm just saying, but there are, what is it about Denzo Washington specifically?
[880] Well, me and my friend Kevin Avery, who's also a comedy writer and actor, had a podcast for years called Denzo Washington is the greatest actor of all time period because we felt we needed to declare that he was the greatest actor of all time period because he clearly is and he did not get the respect at the time.
[881] So I just think that like, you know, that feels weird.
[882] Like, why is chocolate delicious?
[883] I don't know, Conan.
[884] Well, I don't like chocolate.
[885] Yeah, very odd -putting.
[886] You're the weird one.
[887] You're the weird one.
[888] That's stupid.
[889] I love that you, Sona tried to gasp, and it just sounded like one of those people that has a hole in their throat.
[890] Come on.
[891] Yeah, it just sounded like a tea kettle that had no water in it.
[892] I'm like Debbie from the smoking commercial.
[893] There you go.
[894] With the hole in her throat.
[895] Oh, that's what you are.
[896] I smoked for 20 years.
[897] Can you just say I smoked for 20 years?
[898] I smoked for 20 years.
[899] Oh, okay.
[900] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[901] That was a good laugh.
[902] Terrible cancer.
[903] Anyway, oh, my God.
[904] Well, I hope you're happy.
[905] I'm just saying I sound like Debbie.
[906] Yeah, I think it's terrible.
[907] Okay.
[908] You should be ashamed of yourself.
[909] Has Denzel ever been on the podcast?
[910] He has not.
[911] I don't think I've ever been.
[912] That's one of the things I like about him.
[913] He doesn't do any of the, he does not do.
[914] Yeah, and it doesn't need to.
[915] I mean, he's at that, he's at that, last era of actor who doesn't have to have to have to he doesn't even when he wins awards he's not that impressed with the he does a lot of game shows he's the new host of family for you he's taking over for steve harvey he has so much class and dignity i'm just picturing him like doing stuff on nicolodeon getting slimed and being like this is what you got to do yeah he has got to get the word out on my on on the enforcer or whatever you know equalizer equalizer okay sorry that's all right no i just think he's i think me and my friend kevin would realize that we were talking about Denzel a lot and we realized that like we didn't hear other people talking about him as much and we just felt like nobody ever thinks him as being one of the, I mean, maybe he's not the greatest, but nobody thinks him is really as being among the greatest actors of all time period.
[916] But he gets respect, I'm thinking, just, I feel like Denzo Washington gets a lot of respect.
[917] But whenever you talk about the greatest actors, there's like a sort of a crew of like De Niro and Pacino and like, and you know, DiCaprio, all the O actors.
[918] Well, yeah.
[919] He's more consistent than all three of them.
[920] Yes, and has been a box, and he's still a box office draw, even though he's like, he's getting up there, but he's like, and I think the issue that he has had is because of Hollywood and the racism of Hollywood, like, he's just not, he's not seen as being in that same lane.
[921] And so I feel like we were just like, we need to claim him.
[922] And also give him his flowers before he passes, because when he goes away, there's going to be like a ton of, like, he's the greatest thing.
[923] But I felt like I would like him to hear it now, even though it was embarrassing when I found out he had heard about the, oh, he did hear about it.
[924] Yeah, well, so first Kevin met him at some event in L .A. and at that point I had my first TV show so Kevin was like oh yeah me and my friend Debbie Gmabelle I have a podcast about you he goes Debian my bell that's that brother is always talking about me on the internet which I was like Oh wow felt a little like he was accusing me like oh don't show up in my house like yeah yeah yeah Kevin said he didn't see to seem like oh yeah we've we've put him on our list like we know that he's and then I got to go to his the AFI tribute to Denzo Washington and they invited me to it so I was like well at least I'm done on the bad list And my wife's like, you have to meet him.
[925] You have to go meet him.
[926] And I was like, I just can't.
[927] I feel weird.
[928] I did this podcast.
[929] I wasn't doing the podcast anymore, but I felt weird about it.
[930] I can't go talk to.
[931] And she's like, you have to.
[932] And so she literally, like, picked me up.
[933] Not literally picked me up because she's not bigger than me. But she's like, we have to go.
[934] So she escorted me over.
[935] It was during a break.
[936] And like Julia Roberts is there.
[937] Spike Lee is there.
[938] It's like all these famous people.
[939] And I'm walking over in this rented tuxedo.
[940] And, uh, and Denzel, uh, turns to talking to Spike Lee and I'm sort of standing over there and Spikely looks at me who I've met before and then Spikeley says something to Denzel and this woman who's a journalist says something to Denzel like this and Denzel looks at me and looks at Spike Lee I know if I can say this on the Conan O 'Brien podcast what he said I'm not going for you can say anything Denzel looks at me and goes my nigger oh that's cool first time that's been said on this podcast I was going to say, yeah, not since the Harrison Ford episode.
[941] Yeah, I don't know why it was said so often on that podcast.
[942] No, it was so weird.
[943] Yeah, that's when I started paying attention.
[944] And, like, Vin stands up and said, like, he actually said, and I don't know if he still feels the same way, but in that moment he said, he's like, I love you.
[945] Because at that point, I was doing United Chades of America.
[946] And so I think you really started to understand me through that show, not through the sycophantic podcast.
[947] And then I, you know, and I wept.
[948] And that's in.
[949] That's really nice.
[950] I like that story It's a great Yeah it's sort of When I tell it I feel a little embarrassed To even tell it Oh well No I mean I think it's a great Except for the nigger part I was really excited to say that In front of this room Full of people It's two times now You said I can say it I'm gonna say it all the time And now I'm gonna invite everybody to say One Two I've never seen a room Clear out that fast My voice is going Oh nice That's my move So I was like My voice is coming back Ah Sona might have said it a couple of times today and we wouldn't have heard it.
[951] It just sounded like a little burp.
[952] Just to be clear for everybody listening on YouTube, that's with the A, the soft A, not the hard ER.
[953] It's the rap version.
[954] You brought up something that I've thought about recently, which is these people who are just amazing pass away, and then everybody talks about them and says things that they'll never hear.
[955] Comedy icons pass on, and then everybody says, oh my God, weren't they absolutely amazing?
[956] And I think, isn't there a way?
[957] You're angling on this for yourself, right?
[958] I'm just saying I don't feel well today.
[959] I've got a little bit of a sniffle, so maybe let's pretend I'm dying.
[960] A little bit of a...
[961] No, no, no, no, please, please, no. But what I'm saying is I did feel that...
[962] I felt that way a couple of times, for example, with, like, Norman McDonald's who I thought was such a brave and unusual comedian, and he was not being discussed at all and wasn't being talked about and wasn't part of the conversation.
[963] Then he dies and everybody comes out and says.
[964] as what a remarkable, remarkably unique comedic voice that was, we'll never see again.
[965] And I thought, well, I don't like this system.
[966] But he would have hated that.
[967] He would have hated it, but also he should hear it.
[968] And also, even people that hate it kind of need to hear it, I think, sometimes.
[969] For sure.
[970] I agree with that.
[971] So anyway, it just happened with Carl Weathers.
[972] Like, you know, I think that for the certain generation of people, whether it's from the Rocky movies or from, you know, Happy Gilmore, Carl Weather, or Arrest Development, he really sort of, there's something he does specifically that really shed, that is joyful and exciting, and you sort of, then he passes away.
[973] And you're like, oh, we never, we never.
[974] You know, I have a nice memory, which is a couple of years ago, I got invited to something Adam Sandler was having and it was a bunch of people that he knew party event.
[975] I go over to like the line to get food and standing in line and realize it's Carl Weathers is right next to me and I was awestruck because I was 13 or 12 when Rocky came out.
[976] I love, love Carl Weathers.
[977] So I talked to him for a little bit.
[978] He could not have been nicer.
[979] He was great.
[980] And then I said to him, you have no idea, Carl, I'm leaving this event and I'm calling my brothers and saying I just hung out with Carl Weathers.
[981] And this is a party that all these people are at and he was like oh well thank you and i'm like no no no you don't understand i mean i was so i was happy that when he when he passed i didn't you know didn't even know that he was ill and this is what happens these days these people touch your life they're cool he was also on arrested development playing himself and he was abso -fucking lutely hilarious and you've heard the story that that's sort of the oh you can you can turn that into a soup or what it was that you can get a stew going that was like he it was his idea to play the broke uh the broke version of Carl Weathers.
[982] Yes.
[983] He'd beat Carl Weathers and he's just very, he's been an actor all his life and he's very economical about this.
[984] Get these sandwiches and you know what?
[985] You can put him in your pocket and are you finished with that?
[986] At this one point where there's total chaos breaks out in some scene on a rest of development and he's running away and he's got the foil swan that you get when food, you've had them wrap up the food you didn't eat.
[987] You know, fleeing with the foiled swan.
[988] I feel like it's important to put that stuff out there because you just never know.
[989] You know, it's like Tracy Chapman coming back recently and suddenly being like, it's this great moment of heard the Gramies and we're all like, we love you, we haven't seen you, we just want to say.
[990] Like we get to sort of like flutter with love.
[991] She's like, great, I'm going back to the supermarket and home.
[992] You know what I mean?
[993] Like she doesn't necessarily seem to need it either, but it feels good collectively to express positivity in a time when that doesn't get rewarded.
[994] It almost feels like it's for us more than it's for them.
[995] sometimes in a weird way.
[996] Yeah, well, sometimes you get reminded of how important a person is when you, like, for example, Tracy Chapman in that's in fast car, it's like, a lot of people like, I forgot how much this meant to me. And so I'm glad that this song and this opportunity reminded me of it.
[997] But often that doesn't happen until they pass away.
[998] Yeah.
[999] Well, I'm going to want you to really step up when I go.
[1000] Oh, boy.
[1001] Okay.
[1002] I'm going to write some stuff for you.
[1003] Okay.
[1004] Please do.
[1005] Please do.
[1006] I'd rather have it pre -written so I don't mess around.
[1007] And also, so you have something to say.
[1008] No one.
[1009] No one influenced my life more than Connan.
[1010] Conan O 'Brien.
[1011] As a child, I looked up to him, even though we're close in age.
[1012] He was the Denzel Washington of very white Irish Catholic.
[1013] He was the Michael Jordan of Denzel Washington.
[1014] Well, you know what?
[1015] I love having you on the podcast because you are a force for good.
[1016] You have such positivity and I just I always feel better after I talk to you even when you give me tons of shit which I deserve so thank you so much and I'm gonna be looking for you because I do like this show I know you sometimes take on too much but I like everything you do so I'm rooting for you to do more thank you it's funny when busy people tell me I take on too much I'm like man I'm in trouble Conan O 'Brien because I take on too much I think I need to settle down I have a line of jeans that I'm coming out and they're terrible Anyway, God bless you Thank you Go clean up your house Not your apartment Get your shit together And before I go One, two, three Let's all say the N word Okay So far I think Sona's doing the best you can Right With the voice Issue Yeah And when I say doing the best you can I'm not saying it's good because it's really It's gone.
[1017] I don't know what do you do you do the best you can without a voice.
[1018] I don't know.
[1019] I'm like an old trooper.
[1020] Like, you know, many times I've had to do shows in front of thousands of adoring fans paying huge ticket prices.
[1021] And...
[1022] I'm not huge at all.
[1023] I enlistor.
[1024] But anyway...
[1025] It's all empty seats.
[1026] There's something even more powerful about this voice.
[1027] I like cutting him down.
[1028] They were empty seats.
[1029] It's never an empty seat.
[1030] I know who the voice is now from Godfather.
[1031] It's, Pentangeli.
[1032] Yes.
[1033] Frank Pentangeli.
[1034] Frankie Five Angels.
[1035] You know the Roman Empire.
[1036] Michael.
[1037] Yeah.
[1038] But anyway, that's nice.
[1039] For the Godfather.
[1040] Well, it's Godfather, part two.
[1041] Okay.
[1042] Where were you going to say?
[1043] Sorry?
[1044] Were you going to say, sorry?
[1045] I was going to say that many times, is it not true?
[1046] You saw me having vocal problems and I had to do a big show.
[1047] And you know what?
[1048] I did.
[1049] I did.
[1050] I knocked them flat.
[1051] Can I say?
[1052] I went out there.
[1053] I gargled with my honey.
[1054] I went out there and I gave him the best show they ever saw.
[1055] First of all, you had me. I made your throat code every single day.
[1056] You did.
[1057] Second, every time you spoke, I was like, Conan, you have to stop talking because of your voice.
[1058] I don't have that.
[1059] But would I, would I stop talking?
[1060] No, but it was a nice way to get you to stop talking.
[1061] And then another side, you went and actually saw some doctors who looked and made sure that you didn't have any permanent damage.
[1062] I haven't done that.
[1063] Yeah.
[1064] Where's my sona?
[1065] Oh, I see.
[1066] Who's looking after you?
[1067] Who's looking after you?
[1068] Me. Well, you have to understand a certain hierarchy here.
[1069] And I need to be protected at all costs.
[1070] Okay.
[1071] And I do care about you, but, you know, something happens.
[1072] It happens.
[1073] We get someone else in here.
[1074] So, no, David Hopping is the one that should be looking after you.
[1075] Where is Dave?
[1076] Why doesn't you look after me?
[1077] Well, this is hilarious.
[1078] David Hopping doesn't show up at work yesterday.
[1079] He's the one that's filling in for Sona, right?
[1080] Taking over Sonas responsibilities.
[1081] Yeah.
[1082] And he's doing them.
[1083] Listen, he tells me he can't come in because he's at the hospital and what's going on?
[1084] He's like, my foot, I can't put any weight on it.
[1085] They're wrapping it right now.
[1086] And I said, what did you do?
[1087] Meaning, you know, do you fell?
[1088] And he says, like, I don't know.
[1089] I woke up and got out of bed and my foot couldn't take any weight.
[1090] He doesn't even know.
[1091] So one assistant, no voice, who's a big part of a podcast.
[1092] And then I needed him to do a bunch of stuff.
[1093] And he doesn't even know what happened.
[1094] What is wrong with that generation?
[1095] I don't know, but you guys should combine to be one body that works and one voice that works.
[1096] I'll be his feet.
[1097] He'll be my voice.
[1098] Yes, you carry him.
[1099] He'll be the voice.
[1100] Yes.
[1101] I'm going to carry it.
[1102] Is David here?
[1103] I get David here.
[1104] Hobble in here, David.
[1105] Hey, yeah.
[1106] David, shuffle on in here.
[1107] Now, here, have a seat right here.
[1108] Now, we're talking about the fact that I have two assistants.
[1109] Some of you listening may think that's excessive.
[1110] But please, when you get to the top of the world's highest peer in entertainment, that's what happens.
[1111] Yeah.
[1112] You get these two assistants.
[1113] So Sona's voice doesn't work.
[1114] Gimpy and squeaky.
[1115] Yeah.
[1116] We got Gimps and Squeaks.
[1117] Hey, it's a new radio.
[1118] It's a new podcast.
[1119] Gimps and Squeaks.
[1120] It's Gimps and Squeaks.
[1121] You guys should have a drive -time morning show.
[1122] My foot hurts.
[1123] It's his whole thing as foot hurts.
[1124] He can't even hear it.
[1125] But listen.
[1126] No, he just keeps yelling my foot hurts.
[1127] David, you and you're a young, man. Thank you.
[1128] You're a healthy guy.
[1129] And then you took yesterday off to go to the hospital and get your, because you couldn't put any weight on your foot.
[1130] And you have no idea what happened.
[1131] No. So you got out of bed and you tried to stand up and what happened?
[1132] Well, yeah, I got out of bed fine.
[1133] I like spent most of the day fine.
[1134] And then I got off the couch later that night.
[1135] And that was it.
[1136] It was all down, it was all down hill.
[1137] That was it.
[1138] I was dead.
[1139] Not how the story should go.
[1140] It's like you got bit by a black widow or something.
[1141] No. Oh, it's just my ankle just gave out.
[1142] I had gone out the night before.
[1143] Okay, this is where it gets interesting.
[1144] And what were you doing the night before?
[1145] I went to a friend's birthday party.
[1146] There was a DJ there, so I did dance for probably four hours.
[1147] Oh, for God's sake, David.
[1148] Well, the night before I went to the old Boulder Toss.
[1149] What do you mean?
[1150] You never told me that.
[1151] You went dancing?
[1152] Because, like, then the next day, it was fine until the night.
[1153] So, like, I feel like if I had done something dancing, when I have noticed, like, right away.
[1154] No, because there's the high that you.
[1155] get when you're at a rave and you're dancing and you're having a lot of fun.
[1156] And then it takes a lot about raves.
[1157] Let's talk about that.
[1158] Name one rave you've been to.
[1159] Oh, please.
[1160] I went to one in 74.
[1161] It was fantastic.
[1162] Blew the roof off that place.
[1163] Hey, we all ate a lot of high carb foods.
[1164] Who is the DJ?
[1165] What's that?
[1166] You spun around.
[1167] DJ Jackie Jones.
[1168] It was fantastic.
[1169] Wolfman Jack.
[1170] Yeah, it was great.
[1171] You know I'm loath to be on your side.
[1172] I know you are.
[1173] And this is not something I'm comfortable with.
[1174] not comfortable with it.
[1175] I think you need new assistance.
[1176] I do.
[1177] No, because listen, this guy's bones are made of marzipan.
[1178] And then, you know, squeaky Fromm over here in the corner.
[1179] You know, you're just, it's, it's, these are my, these are my people, you represent me in the world.
[1180] Yeah.
[1181] And you're both busted.
[1182] You're broken.
[1183] I think this is pretty appropriate.
[1184] Yeah.
[1185] These are your two reps right here.
[1186] That's true.
[1187] Oh, you mean reflecting a damaged career, a broken man. We don't say that.
[1188] Well, please, read the trades what I'm saying.
[1189] It's the cover of variety this morning.
[1190] I worry about you, David, because you are way too young to have your bones just snapping.
[1191] It's weird.
[1192] Everything's fine.
[1193] You're like, that's ridiculous.
[1194] Everything's fine.
[1195] And then me. Well, then you, I don't know what's going to happen with you.
[1196] If your voice doesn't get better, very soon you're fired.
[1197] I think I'm allowed to say that.
[1198] This is your lifeblood now.
[1199] This is your whole vocation.
[1200] No, no, no. Tack has karate to fall back on.
[1201] What if I did that?
[1202] He can chop wood with his hand.
[1203] This chopped wood is fantastic.
[1204] A karate chop!
[1205] Thank you, Tack.
[1206] My wife wouldn't let me go have karate lessons twice a week, ever.
[1207] You were hosting a show.
[1208] Yeah, hosting a show because America demanded it.
[1209] America insisted upon it.
[1210] They needed their fix of sweet cone.
[1211] Oh, God.
[1212] 28 years of the Cone zone, that sweet orange goo.
[1213] Anyway, I hope, I do hope, well, I don't mean it.
[1214] Oh.
[1215] I'm going to say it anyway, because it's something I've seen caring people say stuff like this, and I'm going to mimic it.
[1216] I hope that you both feel better, too.
[1217] Thanks, Forrest Gump.
[1218] I worry about you both, and I wish the best for you.
[1219] I think our bodies are just giving out, like, naturally.
[1220] From this job?
[1221] What if you both go to doctors independently and they run tests on your immune systems and they say, do you work with Conan O 'Brien?
[1222] Yes.
[1223] It's an epidemic.
[1224] And then they look under the microscope and there's little Conan heads.
[1225] They're eating your white blood cells, gobbling them and going, hot, hot, ha, chatt, ha, ta.
[1226] Goorley's next?
[1227] No, Gorley's immune.
[1228] Oh, no, I'm inside him, instead of.
[1229] No, I have little gorleys in my body.
[1230] Little gorleys in your world.
[1231] Little gorleys running around.
[1232] You work with them, Matt Gorley?
[1233] He's destroying your white blood cell count.
[1234] I don't.
[1235] I do hope you both feel better, honestly.
[1236] Seriously.
[1237] No, I don't.
[1238] No, you like it.
[1239] I tried it one last time and it didn't work.
[1240] I sent you of knowing and I was like, my voice is gone.
[1241] I don't know if I should come into work.
[1242] Hold on a second.
[1243] I love it when we see.
[1244] Here, I got it.
[1245] Gorley.
[1246] This is what I sound like today.
[1247] I hope that's okay.
[1248] My voice was completely gone yesterday and this is what it is now.
[1249] I still planning to come to work.
[1250] I'm ready to work.
[1251] Passive aggressive.
[1252] I just sound real stupid.
[1253] Here we go.
[1254] When I read you the chain?
[1255] Here's the chain.
[1256] You texted.
[1257] You were losing your voice.
[1258] You're worried about it.
[1259] And I wrote back, we can make this work for us.
[1260] Exclamation point.
[1261] That's the first thing you said.
[1262] That's the first thing I said.
[1263] Then Matt, of course, texts that he's concerned about your health.
[1264] And then I wrote a joke.
[1265] You thought you lost your voice speaking at your normal level.
[1266] I'm still not being nice.
[1267] And then you say, I'm not sick.
[1268] I was congested Friday.
[1269] And then I write, got it.
[1270] I have advanced syphilis, but I'm told that's common.
[1271] You write back, we all knew that.
[1272] You have a syphless vibe.
[1273] And I say, this is all this morning.
[1274] It's called the siffs.
[1275] It's like the Riz, only you go insane and die in a 19th century sanitarium.
[1276] To which I got a ha -ha -ha, I think, from Matt Gorley.
[1277] Oh, God.
[1278] Anyway, those are our normal text that we don't think.
[1279] think anyone's ever going to see.
[1280] Does it upset you when people put ha -ha instead of typing ha -ha?
[1281] I'll take whatever.
[1282] I don't care.
[1283] If my obituary comes out and it's online and someone puts ha -ha on top, I count that as a laugh.
[1284] All right, we'll feel better, you guys.
[1285] And I mean that the way someone would, who cares.
[1286] Okay.
[1287] I'm so cool.
[1288] You guys, thanks.
[1289] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goreley.
[1290] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1291] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1292] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1293] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1294] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1295] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1296] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
[1297] Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
[1298] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1299] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might be able to.
[1300] find your review read on a future episode.
[1301] Got a question for Conan?
[1302] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.
[1303] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1304] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.