Lisa Kudrow

[0] Hi, my name is Lisa Kudrow.

[1] And I feel I'm tired about being Conan's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] I can tell never we are going to be friends Hey there Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend This is the show where I use the podcast format selfishly To try and make friends And it is working quite well And I'm joined, as always, in my quest for friendship By my trustee assistant, Sona, Mof Sessian.

[4] Hi, Sona.

[5] Hello.

[6] How are you?

[7] I'm doing very well, thank you.

[8] We rehearsed that for, four hours.

[9] And it went flawlessly.

[10] We're also here, uh, with my hip producer, Matt Gourley.

[11] Matt, how are you?

[12] Hi, Conan.

[13] But you just seem like a hip guy.

[14] You think?

[15] You dress well.

[16] I'm sure that, uh, you use exotic oils on your beard.

[17] I don't.

[18] I'm not an oil guy.

[19] I don't like oils.

[20] If anything, I'm like put some talc or chalk on there, you know, rough it up.

[21] I don't want it smooth.

[22] You imagine him putting oil on his beard?

[23] I imagined him rubbing something into his beard, and I put oil out there to lure him into telling us what he did put into his beard.

[24] So the trap has been set, and it has sprung.

[25] You've been captured, Gourley, and you have admitted to rubbing talc into your beard.

[26] I don't really.

[27] Yes, you do.

[28] I walk into school rooms across the south wind and put chalk in my beard during session.

[29] I think you do.

[30] Anyway, I am either aided or some would say hindered by these two.

[31] you be the judge.

[32] And today, we're going to be talking to someone who is a very dear friend of mine.

[33] And I'm delighted to be speaking today with the incredibly talented Lisa Kudel.

[34] We've been friends since 1985.

[35] Yeah.

[36] 985, 1986.

[37] Oh, we disagree.

[38] Well.

[39] Not a good friendship, but a friendship is still the same.

[40] No, 1985.

[41] No, because we met at that class, and that class, I don't think, started until, like, January or February, 1986.

[42] Yes.

[43] Yeah.

[44] I came to L .A. with my writing partner, Greg Daniels, right out of college.

[45] The first thing I did on my first day at work on a show called Not Necessarily the News, I think I was 22, because I picked up the phone and I called the Groundlings and said, can I get in, can I take classes?

[46] Because I wanted to do improv.

[47] They said, we're fully booked, but there is a class.

[48] that is at the Cornyth Theater on Las Sienega.

[49] Yep.

[50] And it is taught by Cynthia Saghetti.

[51] Cynthia Saghetti.

[52] And I said, okay, I'll do that.

[53] Because I was just desperate to start doing improv.

[54] Yeah.

[55] You're thinking it didn't start until January or something like that.

[56] I think so, yeah.

[57] That's what I remember.

[58] Okay.

[59] That's what I remember.

[60] I show up with this class.

[61] I don't know anybody.

[62] I walk into the class and...

[63] You weren't in the first class.

[64] I wasn't in the first class?

[65] No. No, I was there the first week.

[66] Oh.

[67] And you were not there the first week.

[68] Brown -nosed her.

[69] Well, I was at the first class, but I didn't see you there.

[70] Because that's when it started.

[71] And so I showed up.

[72] Right.

[73] Well, I was trying to get my modeling career off the ground.

[74] Right.

[75] Well, sad stories, so was I. But I also called the groundlings and said, yeah, I want to take classes.

[76] John Levitt said I should come, thinking that that was going to open every door.

[77] And they went, well, when's the last time you?

[78] performed or did anything?

[79] Well, junior high school.

[80] I said, okay, we're going to send you to Cynthia So it wasn't, we don't have room.

[81] It was we don't want you right now.

[82] You go to They might have just been being polite with me, but they basically told me, screw you, go to Cynthia Siggett's class.

[83] And that's where we met.

[84] That's what a good friend does.

[85] He comes down to your level so you don't feel so bad.

[86] You're a good friend.

[87] But I walked in and just had that feeling of do I belong here?

[88] This is silly.

[89] I think you had the same feeling.

[90] Oh my God.

[91] Yes.

[92] And they, the first thing they did was have us do these exercises which are, I still find embarrassing.

[93] Acting exercises where you toss a fake ball to each other.

[94] You pretend to lift something heavy.

[95] Lift a disc.

[96] Lift a disc that's very heavy and that's not there.

[97] And of course, you two, you and I had been to good colleges and thought if it's not there, why are we trying to lift it and why is it heavy?

[98] Just all this, you know, stuff that gets in your head.

[99] Yeah.

[100] But we met at that class and I remembered watching you and thinking, she's making really interesting choices.

[101] Really?

[102] Yes.

[103] No, no, you were, I could just tell.

[104] You're really smart and you were making interesting choices.

[105] So we started chatting and then we became really close friends who talked all the time.

[106] Yeah.

[107] We would go out after improv classes and sit in a coffee shop and talk about how we were going to be huge one day.

[108] Did we?

[109] I don't know if we did.

[110] No, that doesn't sound like you.

[111] No, it doesn't.

[112] It wasn't, I'm going to be the biggest thing ever.

[113] I know.

[114] I just hope I live in.

[115] Here's what we're going to do.

[116] No, that wasn't it.

[117] It was just, we would sit and talk about like, see, I don't think that's the way to go, but that person did.

[118] Yeah.

[119] Yeah, I was hypercritical of other improvisers.

[120] Yes.

[121] And you weren't an improviser yet.

[122] Yeah.

[123] You were hypercritical.

[124] And you would scold me because you would say other people are up there trying out their stuff on stage.

[125] And if I thought it was hacky or corny, I would put, what was it?

[126] I'd put my face in my hands.

[127] Oh, no. Yeah.

[128] I don't want to take the headphones off, but you'd put your face, your hands in like the top of your head and you would grab your hair at the root and pull.

[129] Oh, my God.

[130] And your face, you'd have this, like, great.

[131] grimace of pain, but you know it didn't have to do with the hair pulling.

[132] No. It was because someone was making a choice that I thought was...

[133] Wasn't great.

[134] Wasn't great.

[135] And you said to me, people can see you.

[136] You're in a lit theater.

[137] The lights aren't out.

[138] You're in a lit theater.

[139] And someone's up there going, My name's Mrs. Gooply Pooply.

[140] And I live on Pooply Lane.

[141] And I'm in the front row rocking like Rain Man, pulling my hair out and going, It sucks.

[142] It hurts.

[143] It hurts your genius sensibility to watch, which is what I decided was happening.

[144] Thank you.

[145] And thought, yeah, what's he supposed to do?

[146] How can he bear it?

[147] I don't know how he's supposed to bear it.

[148] It's really, it's mediocre.

[149] That's a genius.

[150] That's what a genius does.

[151] They can't bear mediocrity.

[152] And I respect that.

[153] However, I think maybe I should let him know other people can see it.

[154] Because I know he's a nice person, and if he thought he was hurting someone's feelings, he would want to stop.

[155] I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but there's no excuse for what I did.

[156] Wait, but can I say one thing?

[157] And I know I've told you this before, I think.

[158] I don't know.

[159] But I did go to the class before you got there.

[160] There was one class before you got there.

[161] This is Cynthia So Getty's class.

[162] Cynthia to Getty's class, yeah.

[163] And I was so embarrassed for everybody and myself for those exercises.

[164] and what we were doing, and then hearing some people, you know, that you could tell, like, they book commercials because they're perky, and hearing like, great, good, yes, yes.

[165] And I'm like, oh, no. I mean, maybe I've gone mad, but that's not good.

[166] There's nothing good about any of this.

[167] And I thought, and so then I went home and thought, I guess this isn't for me. And, yeah, I don't think I can do this.

[168] And then I just like, okay, I'll go, try.

[169] I'll go to the second class.

[170] But I was late.

[171] And so you were all up on stage.

[172] lifting a disc or throwing a space ball.

[173] It was lifting discs, I think.

[174] And Cynthia said, well, do you want to go up there?

[175] I was like, oh, no, no, I don't want to interrupt or, you know, intrude or impose.

[176] I'll just, I'll sit here and judge quietly.

[177] And I never understood what she was talking about in that first class about, come on, everyone, commit.

[178] You have to commit, commit.

[179] I was like, I don't know, I don't know what that means.

[180] I don't know what that means, but people are getting praise for terrible acting and indicating.

[181] So I don't know.

[182] Anyway, I watched Conan was the only one.

[183] You were the only one who you were lifting a disc, but you weren't making a meal out of it.

[184] You know, you were just pretending to be lifting a disc that had some weight.

[185] And I went, oh, that's something.

[186] I mean, I believe he's lifting a disc.

[187] Right.

[188] But he's not turning it into more than it needs to be.

[189] Is that what she means by commit?

[190] Oh, I think I understand this.

[191] Oh, I think I can do this.

[192] Right.

[193] Like, I'm just going to keep my eye on that guy.

[194] Oh, that's nice.

[195] Because he does it in a way that's better than everyone else, and I get it, and I believe him.

[196] And then that's when we started talking.

[197] I feel like I made like a B -line for you after that exercise.

[198] All women do.

[199] Well, yeah, I had to beat a line out to get you.

[200] Hey, your improv got really good.

[201] All of a sudden.

[202] Yeah, I just, I remember we would talk and commiserate, and I was immediately respected your intelligence, and you had very high standards and you weren't into the rah -rah, everything we do is good school.

[203] And I think that's one of the things that happens sometimes because it's a fine line in improv or acting.

[204] You know, sometimes you go, you do an improv show and the audience is mostly filled with people who are friends.

[205] Right.

[206] And they're there to just say yay to everything.

[207] Yeah, and they're laughing at absolutely everything that's happening.

[208] And I used to get like a little angry.

[209] Yes, I would too.

[210] I would feel any choice you made would be like, yay, they did it.

[211] And I would feel almost like it's a make a wish or something.

[212] Like, are we sick and they're just here to cheer us on just before we slip into the void?

[213] And it made me, and I realized that wasn't for me. And I think you felt the same thing, which.

[214] is we wanted the, we wanted to be rewarded for good choices, but I also wanted to take my lumps for, you know, bad choices.

[215] Yeah, there should be silence if something's not funny.

[216] Yeah.

[217] I mean, that's how you know, something's not funny.

[218] There should be silence.

[219] And then you learn, and you can change it until there's a laugh and you make it funny.

[220] But that's what was bugging me, too, a lot.

[221] Then I was like, don't encourage this.

[222] How are we supposed to learn anything if you're just, yeah.

[223] That was also, by the way, my problem with like a friend's taping.

[224] because the audience would just laugh at absolutely everything.

[225] And I know, I don't know how many times I would look out with a dirty look on my face.

[226] I was so enraged.

[227] You were enraged.

[228] I get enraged.

[229] Really?

[230] And you're laughing again?

[231] I would just look at them like, stop it.

[232] Don't just stop.

[233] Don't do that.

[234] They can come up with something else.

[235] We're here for eight hours to shoot this damn thing.

[236] They'll come up with something else.

[237] Don't encourage this.

[238] You know, not that it's dreadful or terrible.

[239] It's just, I don't know.

[240] kind of objective about it and I really don't understand hurt feelings over criticism or you know I mean when to me it's mostly constructive if it's not personal you know right but just because like something isn't funny to me is not you don't take that personally I don't think you can I just I realize I mean to this day uh I'll be in the writer's room and everyone will be throwing out ideas and I'll say well we could do such and such and they'll just be silence and uh I'll realize, yeah, that's not good.

[241] And I'm a host - And you fire everybody.

[242] Well, I can, I do because, I do because I can.

[243] Right.

[244] And then - That's a different thing.

[245] And then, and then I sue them too, which is probably taking it too far, to try and destroy their lives.

[246] No, but I think that's part of it is I like, I like being in a system where I feel gravity, where I feel like, oh, if I have something really funny, I get the reward of everybody laughing.

[247] If I miss, it didn't work.

[248] Yeah, yeah.

[249] And I'm not going to get my feelings hurt.

[250] because that's what this job is.

[251] This job is being in a coal mine and you're going to get dirty and you can't, if you want to be in a coal mine, you have to accept that.

[252] Yeah.

[253] Well, it's only bad if it's, and forever after you may never do this again because that one time it wasn't funny.

[254] Right.

[255] That's an issue.

[256] But it usually isn't.

[257] It usually doesn't come down to that.

[258] That's why, yeah, I never, you know, the groundings, I loved that whole process.

[259] We would give each other notes because I know you went through, you made it through the, advanced class.

[260] Well, you probably didn't appreciate other people giving you notes, but...

[261] No, I did, because I learned early on, I got a great note.

[262] We had a teacher in common, Robin.

[263] Oh, yeah.

[264] And Robin Schiff.

[265] Robin Schiff.

[266] Yeah, she was great.

[267] Robin Schiff is a great teacher, and I remembered her, I remember at a really funny time.

[268] I think you know about this, but she was this, you know.

[269] young, attractive teacher, and I thought I was, I'm doing really well in this class and I'm making her laugh a lot.

[270] And then she said to me, we were doing our last final show.

[271] And after that show, she said, you know, we're all going to meet at a Mexican restaurant, which was the tradition.

[272] We'd meet at the Mexican restaurant.

[273] And she said, can I talk to you before we go to the Mexican restaurant?

[274] And I was like, yes, you can.

[275] And I just, I remember it in my head being so.

[276] Oh, my gosh.

[277] She fell in love with my talent.

[278] Yeah, she saw me really laugh, and she's going to say, look, I know I'm a little older than you, but you're not in my class.

[279] I had all these fantasies.

[280] You're not in my class anymore, technically.

[281] And so, you know, I don't know what I was thinking.

[282] So she invites me in her car.

[283] So I get in her car and we go to get gasoline.

[284] She needed to get gas before she went to the restaurant.

[285] So we get gasoline in her car.

[286] And I, like, I pump it for her.

[287] I'm like, I'll take care of that.

[288] And then I get in like, I feel.

[289] fix the engine.

[290] Well, it's a little tricker than we thought, but I got that unleaded in.

[291] And she was like, uh -huh, that's great.

[292] So we start, and I think when is she going to say, uh, you know.

[293] I have feelings.

[294] I can't hide anymore.

[295] I have feelings I can't hide.

[296] I have feelings I can't hide.

[297] And I must have that six foot, four inch, 155 pound body now.

[298] So, and then she said to me, yeah, I wanted to talk to you.

[299] And I went, well, you know, fire away.

[300] And she said, have you thought about therapy?

[301] Do you remember this?

[302] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[303] And she said, and then she said, because your mind's really quick, but sometimes it's too quick, and you're always thinking up there, don't think, and you, but I think sometimes you've got to quiet, you should really get therapy.

[304] Well, here we are at the restaurant, door slam.

[305] I loved her for doing that.

[306] Oh, but she did the same thing for me a few years later.

[307] By the way, I think people should know.

[308] Robin Schiff is a great writer.

[309] She wrote Romeo and Michelle's High School reunion.

[310] Yeah, she's a very talented woman.

[311] Really, really, really talented.

[312] And I think she blew it with me, frankly, too.

[313] Well, I'm sure she does, too.

[314] Yeah.

[315] But she also told me after there had been like a tough time, and she said, you know what?

[316] I can tell because you've just reported you've been crying every day for two days.

[317] You should get therapy.

[318] Oh, wow.

[319] Okay.

[320] So maybe she's just telling everyone, go get therapy.

[321] Well, it was years later, you know.

[322] And she was right, and that was the first time I got therapy, and it was the most incredibly helpful thing to me. I mean, I did really, I killed therapy.

[323] I did really well.

[324] I mean, she said she was done with me after like six months.

[325] Wouldn't it be funny if that were my attitude, my actual attitude about therapy?

[326] Right.

[327] I excelled at it.

[328] I did really well.

[329] I got an A in therapy.

[330] I did so, so well in therapy.

[331] I was always struck by your intelligence, but also you are one of the most practical people.

[332] And when you think about the cliche of not just the actor or the actress, but the actor or the actress that's blown up and become super huge, I knew you before.

[333] you didn't change in any way.

[334] You're kind of, you're immune to what you think might be a false compliment.

[335] I think you're just immune to compliments in general.

[336] You're very like, hmm, that might be true.

[337] I don't know, I'll have to think about that.

[338] Right, because I'm a little bit of rain man. No. I mean, I feel like I am just a little, in a good way.

[339] I think there's a healthy dose of being somewhere on the spectrum, actually.

[340] I disagree completely.

[341] I know plenty of people who are like that.

[342] Some of them are in this room now.

[343] But, let's see.

[344] Oh, three.

[345] There's three.

[346] No, I'm, no, I don't get that at all.

[347] I get that you, you, you, we've talked about this before.

[348] You were always someone that has almost, I want to say, like a Victorian sense of morality, principles, hard work.

[349] And I've always loved that about you.

[350] It's very rare.

[351] And you used to tell me stories about when you were, you know, a teenage girl and your mom was just sort of trying to encourage you like, well, why don't you go out and meet some boys and ride around in a car and have some drinks, you know, and you'd be like, it's true.

[352] One time I had a boyfriend for five minutes and I was at his house and he was taking things a little too far.

[353] So I left and I remember thinking, oh, this will be like a mother -daughter moment.

[354] My mom should treasure.

[355] And I went up to a room and woke her and went, mom, mom, I was just at his house.

[356] And I'm telling her like, what he did?

[357] I just left.

[358] And she was like, what?

[359] And he said, well, that's what he did.

[360] She said, big deal.

[361] I'm going to sleep.

[362] My God.

[363] Like, you're so weird.

[364] My God.

[365] Why didn't you just do it?

[366] Why I just do it?

[367] Big deal.

[368] So what?

[369] Because my reporting was, he really crossed a line.

[370] And she was like, oh, God, big deal.

[371] But that's like, yeah.

[372] My parents, I don't know where I came from.

[373] It's really weird because they were so different from me. They were so different from you.

[374] Your parents would, I remember, this is, okay, this is like 19, This would be 1986, and I'm new to L .A., new to this business, and you were nice enough to invite me over to your house for dinner.

[375] You know, it just didn't happen.

[376] I didn't get invited.

[377] I didn't know anybody who's parent.

[378] I didn't know anybody who had parents in L .A. And so I went over and sat at the table.

[379] I'll never forget this.

[380] Your parents would talk about anything.

[381] Oh, boy.

[382] You know, I come from very, I come from Irish Catholic people that sex, nothing like that's ever discussed.

[383] Your dad's a doctor, and your mom was very cool about talking about anything.

[384] The next thing I knew, your dad was saying, there are several positions that you can take where you're in this position and he's in that position.

[385] It's quite sexual, but it doesn't in any way involve the baby.

[386] And I looked down up my silverware and it melted because of the body heat of my body.

[387] I couldn't.

[388] And this was like a sitcom where let's have uptight Irish Catholic boy come over to Tarzana and the most sophisticated, cool Jewish family is going to talk about sexual positions for pregnant women.

[389] That was intense.

[390] I had to learn to be way more uptight, yeah.

[391] But then, like you said, I was always sort of this Victorian, like, ghost, you know, inhabiting this child.

[392] Yeah, and then...

[393] Because when I was young, I would watch, like, cheaper by the dozen or life with father, like about these Catholic families.

[394] I completely identified.

[395] It's like, yes, that's right.

[396] That's the way it should be.

[397] That's the way it should be.

[398] There should be.

[399] Another redhead.

[400] It's like, oh, yeah, okay, good.

[401] Clock that.

[402] Redheads are tricky.

[403] Yeah.

[404] Okay.

[405] Like, you're just like taking notes.

[406] It's like, what?

[407] What?

[408] Where's this coming from?

[409] Completely identified.

[410] Always just like, yeah.

[411] Okay, that's, okay.

[412] Well, that's what good girls do.

[413] All right, good.

[414] Yeah, that'll be me. Yeah.

[415] I'll be that person.

[416] I'll be that person then.

[417] Yeah.

[418] I wonder if I could.

[419] be a nun.

[420] Could I?

[421] Wait, let me think it through.

[422] No, I'm Jewish.

[423] Okay, right, I can't.

[424] You'd be a really good nun.

[425] Whatever that means, you'd be a very good nun.

[426] That's what I...

[427] Yeah, you're tough.

[428] You're tough, too.

[429] Am I?

[430] Well, you're tough and that you...

[431] I think you're tough on yourself.

[432] I think you're very tough on yourself.

[433] Oh.

[434] Would you agree with that?

[435] I don't know.

[436] I think you have high standards?

[437] No, because I could be tougher.

[438] Yeah, well, then you know it's true, if that my answer.

[439] I don't know.

[440] I'm not going to commit to anything.

[441] Oh, I see what you're doing.

[442] Who are we talking about?

[443] Oh, very nicely done.

[444] I just totally implode.

[445] I don't know.

[446] Who are you?

[447] I'm going insane.

[448] Yeah.

[449] I don't know what I am.

[450] What are you?

[451] Yeah, but you are a, you've always been someone who loves to think of the worst case scenario, something bad that could happen.

[452] That is a big part of your personality.

[453] Yes.

[454] And still is.

[455] And still is.

[456] Like, wait a minute, this could happen.

[457] And if that happened, then this would happen, and then that would happen, and then I'd be crushed underneath rocks in Peru.

[458] I'd be like, what?

[459] How did you get there?

[460] How did you do that?

[461] Right.

[462] I should get some jewelry so I can sew it into the hems of my clothing just in case.

[463] But you are that.

[464] I am that person.

[465] You are that person.

[466] Well, that's how you know I'm Jewish.

[467] Yeah.

[468] I think that's where that comes from.

[469] You're looking, always is the worst case scenario.

[470] It's possible.

[471] So how did you handle, you have this worst case scenario thinking, and then friends explodes, and you're part of the biggest cultural phenomenon in the 20th century, how do you reconcile that?

[472] Was there part of you that was always thinking, well, this is going well now, but then it will end in six months and then we'll all be hated, which never happened.

[473] Oh, no, there was a backlash period.

[474] Was there?

[475] Yep, there was, because we were way overexposed and there was like a Diet Coke promotional thing that we kind of had no choice but to be part of.

[476] And there was this big, big backlash.

[477] And yeah, that didn't get to me, but there were six of us.

[478] I don't think most people noticed that backlash.

[479] Like now it's not even thought about.

[480] At the time.

[481] Yeah.

[482] But I think we all met and we met with Marta David and Kevin who created and produced, you know, friends.

[483] And we all just said, you know, we all just have to like deal with the task at hand.

[484] Just focus on the shows and forget about all the other stuff.

[485] But it was great to be with.

[486] I have to say, five other people going through this.

[487] But no, me and I think Jennifer, well, I know it was Jennifer.

[488] She and I would be like, all right, we've got to be careful driving because this is too much good luck.

[489] You know?

[490] It's like, there's an accident waiting to happen around the corner or something like that.

[491] I remember her saying like, yep, I got that.

[492] So she had the same.

[493] You two were sort of alike and that it felt like this is too good.

[494] Yeah.

[495] So there's going to be something compensatory balancing that's going to happen.

[496] Something will balance it out.

[497] But she's not like that.

[498] Right.

[499] Except in that moment.

[500] And then I think she got over it and, you know, it's healthy.

[501] But that kind of like, you know, just running worst case scenarios, I can't help it.

[502] Yeah.

[503] Not that it helps.

[504] I mean, and then what?

[505] You know who doesn't do that?

[506] I don't think is Matt LeBlanc.

[507] No, that's why he's wonderful.

[508] I've become friendly with him.

[509] He's been on the show a lot.

[510] And he's just, I'm fascinated by him because he's everything I'm not.

[511] And I mean that is a compliment to him.

[512] He, I could see friends hitting huge and him just being like, you know, yeah, well, this is, you know, here we go.

[513] And this is going to last a long time and be a huge hit.

[514] And it's time to have some fun.

[515] I'm from Newton Mass and it's all good.

[516] Wait, I've got to say, it was better than that.

[517] He was like, you know, I don't know how long this is going to last.

[518] I'm going to enjoy it while it's happening.

[519] And you know what?

[520] It's better than digging a ditch.

[521] That's a great.

[522] Yeah, that's true.

[523] Why can't I be like that?

[524] Like, yeah, everyone else was just sort of like, well, we're here, this is what's happening, let's just see, do good work, maybe it'll keep going, and that would be great.

[525] And now he says, thanks to me. Oh, I remember actually it was at your wedding.

[526] You put me at the table with the cast.

[527] Yeah.

[528] And this is when.

[529] Yeah, the other famous person there.

[530] But they had, so this would be 95.

[531] Five.

[532] And the show's just had its first season.

[533] Yeah, we were starting to do really well that summer.

[534] That summer.

[535] And it was just starting to happen when I remembered that it was becoming huge.

[536] And I'm sitting at this table at your lovely wedding.

[537] And I was seated next to like in between Matt LeBlanc and I can't remember who was on the other side.

[538] But I was sitting there.

[539] I think it was Matthew Perry.

[540] and it's starting to go super well, not just well, but crazy well, that summer.

[541] Matt LeBlanc had no idea.

[542] I remember that.

[543] I remember he had no idea, and everyone else at the table knew.

[544] And so Matt LeBlanc was like, I don't know, maybe we get another season.

[545] Oh, I think, I'll get another season.

[546] And I said, no, no, no, no. By the way, I'm Conan, Matt.

[547] You know, oh, hey, Conan.

[548] Yeah.

[549] No, no, no. You're going to get another season.

[550] There's the numbers this show is doing, I don't know a lot about this but I think they're the highest numbers anyone's ever seen and Matt LeBlanc was going I don't know, we'll see we'll get a season but that'd be nice I don't know, is there bread is there bread coming out soon?

[551] And I was like, I was trying to get the other members of the cast to like, can you talk to him?

[552] And then I think it was like Matthew Perry who leaned in and went no, no, no, no, no, it's a hit, it's a massive hit.

[553] And he was like, oh, good.

[554] Oh, hey, the bread's here.

[555] We got to pay for the drinks.

[556] Yeah.

[557] Oh, we don't pay for.

[558] for the drinks.

[559] Oh, the drinks are paid for.

[560] Oh, we're good.

[561] All right, let's take a, we're going to take a quick break where we make a lot of money and you get none of it, Lisa.

[562] Is that fair?

[563] I guess.

[564] None.

[565] You get none.

[566] All right.

[567] Now it's time for the segment.

[568] Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[569] Yeah, I don't want to belabor the point.

[570] I just like to be honest with my listeners that I did buy a beach house, did take out a rather large mortgage, and then took a lot of, uh, took a loan against that mortgage, which was a mistake.

[571] So I need to pay them bills.

[572] Pay them bills.

[573] Pay them bills.

[574] Dollar bill, dollar bill.

[575] Yeah, you're so hip.

[576] Yes, I am.

[577] You're so hip and cool.

[578] And you have the lingo down.

[579] I come from the streets.

[580] Do you?

[581] And I'm wicked in the sheets.

[582] Ewe.

[583] Oh, come on.

[584] What happened?

[585] You've lost both me and Gourley.

[586] And Gourley.

[587] Every sponsor.

[588] What happened?

[589] I'm wicked in the sheets.

[590] Isn't that something people say?

[591] Yeah, but now the locked eye contact is making it even.

[592] I'm staring at you, Gourley, and you're threatening me with a paperclip.

[593] He is holding a paper clip up at me as if he's got a dagger, but it's a paper clip.

[594] This is not meant to be a threat.

[595] This is a gesticulation aid.

[596] Oh, my God.

[597] He just said a gesticulation aid.

[598] And I locked eyes with you.

[599] Anyway, I like to be honest.

[600] I think that's good.

[601] There's a lot of people that read ad copy and you wonder why are they doing this.

[602] I'm telling you why.

[603] I bought a beach house, not a large one, and it was quite an investment.

[604] And people told you not to do this.

[605] You've hired people who've told you never to do this.

[606] When people give me advice I don't want, I fire them.

[607] So I got rid of those people until I found an accountant who is really fine with me just buying whatever I want.

[608] And he says, we'll figure it out later.

[609] His name's Sergio.

[610] I don't know his last name.

[611] I don't even think he has an office, and he's a cash -only guy.

[612] I think he's working out of your beach house.

[613] He might be.

[614] he just because that's his motto is don't worry about it It says it on his business card Which he only has one of He always asks He always asks for it back He gives it to me Is it laminated?

[615] No It's paper And then he says I need that back And I'm like Sergio You just gave it to me I need it back It just says Sergio Business Manager And I think it's manager I think it's mispelled I think it says business manger And then it says Underneath Don't worry about it But then the awkward part He goes like I kind of need that back so I give it back to him it's getting really rumpled crinkled but anyway well should we sell some ads should we do some ads why are you crying I don't know it's just things have been tough lately here at the podcast okay all right let's sell some good quality stuff okay it's important that I get something out here which is that in 1993 the late night show starts to appear on the horizon and Lauren Michaels suggested to me that started to approach me first about producing it and I didn't want to do that and I party company with him a little bit and then he called back and said you know we're looking around would you be interested possibly in auditioning to host and I had a huge panic attack and I asked different people people that are really close to me in my life if Letterman left and what if I out of nowhere took over for him?

[616] How would you feel like that?

[617] And the common reaction was, oh man, really?

[618] I mean, no, you're funny, but a lot of that.

[619] And then Lisa exclusively was the only person in my life who said, you have to do that.

[620] You have to do that.

[621] You're the perfect person to do that.

[622] It's what you have to do.

[623] And you kind of made me do it.

[624] Yeah.

[625] And I don't know if you had not been in my life.

[626] I don't know what I would have done.

[627] Oh, wow.

[628] But I was incredibly insecure about doing it and had all the appropriate fear.

[629] I was not deluded.

[630] Right.

[631] I knew that I don't have the chops yet.

[632] I don't.

[633] And you just kept saying you are the only person to do it.

[634] I know what I know.

[635] You had this certainty and you had no patience for me, questioning it, and I leaned on that, and I've always been indebted to you, and I've wanted to say this, I don't know if you hadn't been in my life if I would ever have done this show.

[636] I honestly don't think I would have ever done.

[637] You were the one person that said you have to do it.

[638] Yeah.

[639] I was pretty clear on that.

[640] You were chillingly clear.

[641] No, I was.

[642] It was scary.

[643] I'm not, look, I'm not a psychic.

[644] But sometimes I get very clear on certain things.

[645] And it's like, I know what I know.

[646] And no one that we all knew of could replace David Letterman.

[647] Right.

[648] So it had, to me, it has to be someone that no one knows.

[649] That's the only possibility.

[650] And you were perfect, super funny, really smart, can talk to anybody.

[651] So it just, that was to me like, yeah, all right, good.

[652] The light bulb went off for Lauren and that he's exactly right.

[653] And yeah, you have to do it.

[654] And I knew also you would prepare and do everything you'd have to do.

[655] Right.

[656] You knew I'd worry so much that I'd prepare to death.

[657] I'd prepare it like crazy.

[658] Well, I wanted to try to like, you know, at least reassure you enough that maybe some of the worry wouldn't be there.

[659] But just like, yeah, of course it has to be you.

[660] You're the perfect.

[661] This makes perfect sense.

[662] It's not crazy.

[663] It's so crazy because anybody listening to it now, if you know the story and this is how history works, once you know the story, you think, I'm sure there's still people out there that think, maybe not late night for Conan.

[664] You know, but whatever, you know, I think he'd be a good lawyer.

[665] But now it doesn't sound as impressive, but I'm telling you, I couldn't find anybody that was that.

[666] Wow.

[667] You had a religious conviction, and I lived off of that.

[668] Yeah, it wasn't just trying to make you feel better about it either.

[669] I believed it.

[670] You're right.

[671] It was like a religious conviction.

[672] This was before the fact.

[673] You could have, I hadn't done anything yet.

[674] I hadn't even auditioned.

[675] You could have said, I don't think so.

[676] You know, you're going to get hurt.

[677] People are going to rip the shit out of you.

[678] It's going to be nasty, and you could end up being, like, kind of a national joke.

[679] And you didn't say that.

[680] You just, so I, that was, that was crucial for me. That was a way in which, you know, there's this conceit on this show about me finding a friend.

[681] But I did want to say, in all seriousness, That is a way in which you've been one of the best friends in my life, seriously.

[682] And I wanted that recorded and then put in a time capsule because you single -handedly, I think, convinced me to take this big leap that I don't think I would have taken if you hadn't been there.

[683] Yeah.

[684] That's amazing.

[685] So I have a cash gift for you today.

[686] Oh, my God.

[687] Oh, my God.

[688] It just got so much better.

[689] No, that was great.

[690] 12 ,000.

[691] That's everything.

[692] $12 ,000 is everything.

[693] $12 ,000.

[694] That's funny.

[695] As you were saying 12 ,000, I was saying, that's everything.

[696] And that is what it turns out I meant.

[697] So I am psychic.

[698] Yeah.

[699] No, that means a lot.

[700] That means a lot to me. I knew what I knew.

[701] Yeah.

[702] I don't even know if I said to you, I knew this is going to happen.

[703] You are going to do this.

[704] The auditions of technicality.

[705] I think I said that to you, too.

[706] Yeah, you did.

[707] It's like, this is happening.

[708] It's going to happen.

[709] I don't know why or how.

[710] I just knew what I knew.

[711] Right.

[712] Isn't that weird?

[713] It is really weird.

[714] It's one of those, I think we're both very practical people.

[715] people.

[716] That's one of those moments in my life that I can't understand.

[717] I don't understand it because you just said, nope, this is happening.

[718] Yeah.

[719] And you'll see.

[720] And then it happened.

[721] And here we are, almost 26 years later.

[722] And only 26 years?

[723] Is it 26 years later?

[724] Oh, I let's say that.

[725] I think so.

[726] And then you're just, yep.

[727] I told you.

[728] Yeah.

[729] And then you didn't mention the podcast at the time.

[730] I didn't.

[731] I didn't see that.

[732] That was a wonderful surprise.

[733] You should have said there will be a thing.

[734] Radio will come back as a podcast and be like, what?

[735] Well, why would, if I had a TV show, why would I be doing radio?

[736] No, you'll see.

[737] It's going to be niche.

[738] Right.

[739] No, but you're not done.

[740] There's still something else you're going to do.

[741] I don't know what it is.

[742] Look, as if you're talking to a psychic.

[743] But, no, I mean, I also know that, and I don't know.

[744] I just need to come to you for all the answers.

[745] But I have zero answers.

[746] What's an answer in?

[747] No, no, you're going to do something else.

[748] No, you got some stuff coming.

[749] Yeah, you'd be a terrible.

[750] No one would pay you as a psychic.

[751] Tell me what's going to happen.

[752] I have my crystal ball.

[753] Yeah, some stuff's going to happen.

[754] You'll see.

[755] Something's going to happen.

[756] What is it, specifically?

[757] Some stuff.

[758] Anyway.

[759] I can't tell.

[760] You know.

[761] Give me 50 bucks.

[762] You will know.

[763] Yeah, that's what I can say.

[764] You will know when it's time for you to know.

[765] This session's over.

[766] Yeah.

[767] You get, something happened recently that was so Lisa, uh -oh.

[768] Where the, it was in the news that there was going to be a friend's reunion.

[769] Another false rumor that there's a friend's reunion.

[770] and you, like, read it in the paper.

[771] I think you're still reading the newspaper.

[772] You read it, and you got your, you told me that you got, that you believed it and got your feelings hurt that you hadn't been contacted.

[773] And believe that you wouldn't be part of a friend's reunion and that you, and you were almost accepting of it.

[774] Not believed, but just wondered and decided, like, anything's possible.

[775] I mean, I guess it's possible.

[776] And you thought that they wouldn't.

[777] And you thought it was possible that they wouldn't call you.

[778] I just, you know, anything's possible.

[779] That's what I hope to do.

[780] You know, like, brace yourself.

[781] There could be a friend's reunion, and they'll just gonna do it with the five minutes, and not you.

[782] Yeah, and not even contact you.

[783] And not even contact you.

[784] Because it would be awkward and no one wants to hurt your feelings.

[785] So they just won't tell you.

[786] They'll just do it.

[787] You make all the calls I did.

[788] I got Swimmer.

[789] Would you, you talk to, yeah, I got Aniston.

[790] Who's going to call Lisa?

[791] Let's not call Lisa.

[792] Do we need her?

[793] Do we really need her?

[794] Did she really need her?

[795] Did she really?

[796] add anything.

[797] It was so hard to make her fit into the group.

[798] Remember the pilot?

[799] Trying to justify why they're friends with that thing.

[800] That was the whole week of the pilot.

[801] I was like, I'm going to get fired.

[802] Was that the week of the pilot?

[803] The week of the pilot was sort of, you know, there were these moments of, see, yeah, no, that doesn't help.

[804] We need to figure out, we need to figure out how to justify why all these people are friends with Phoebe.

[805] And I was like, here I am.

[806] And Jimmy Burroughs, you know, we're rehearsing.

[807] He's like, oh, all right, you know what, Kudrow, go under the table.

[808] That monologue you have, do it from under the tape.

[809] Like the whole cast is sitting around the kid Monica's table as Rachel's about to cut up her credit card.

[810] Yeah.

[811] I don't remember anything about the show, but I remember this.

[812] Sure, of course.

[813] And he's like, do your mom, do it from under the table.

[814] I'm like, under the table, what do you mean?

[815] It's like, you know, you're quirky.

[816] Do it under the table.

[817] Like, but I can't see anybody.

[818] Who am I talking to from under the tape?

[819] That's what's funny.

[820] All right.

[821] And so I do it and, you know, it's completely flat.

[822] It's terrible at the run through.

[823] And the producers go, they're so sweet.

[824] David Crane.

[825] It's really nice.

[826] And Lisa, that's a funny idea for you to be under the table.

[827] I'm not sure that it works, though, as if it was my pitch, as if, like, let me just do this.

[828] It's hilarious.

[829] And they're going to love it.

[830] And I thought, I'm getting fired.

[831] And now I'm going to get fired because I have no instincts.

[832] And then God bless Jimmy Burroughs.

[833] He was like, no, that was my idea.

[834] We don't have to do that.

[835] I was like, oh my God, thank you.

[836] Thank you.

[837] So that's how I almost got fired, but not in my head.

[838] I think you've probably almost got fired in your head many times.

[839] Just that.

[840] I swear to God, just that time.

[841] Just that time.

[842] Just that time.

[843] But, yeah, but that was a thing.

[844] Like, why are they friends with this crazy person?

[845] And I kept saying, like, well, if they act like they're friends with me, then I think everyone will believe that they're friends with me. Like, if they don't start, if they don't roll their eyes after everything I say or, then I think we can sell the world on the idea that we're friends.

[846] That must be, yeah, true.

[847] Like, I don't know how I can't, I don't know if you're like me and that I can't connect to, I have people come up and say.

[848] remember that time that you did such and such, and I never know what they're talking about.

[849] You made so many friends episodes that have been seen by everybody 10 times around the world.

[850] You don't have...

[851] I don't watch them 10 times.

[852] No. But also you don't have an emotional connection to that moment when you fell out the window into the butterscotch.

[853] Right.

[854] You know, they remember that episode.

[855] Yeah, yeah.

[856] Never happened.

[857] The one about the butterscotch.

[858] Actually, I'm thinking, wait, I fell into but I don't remember?

[859] That's terrible.

[860] But you don't have an emotional, and it's interesting, people that are into it don't understand.

[861] They don't understand that you don't have that emotional connection to that moment because that was a day in your life 15 years ago or whatever.

[862] I know.

[863] Well, this will sound really nutty, but also because I was being Phoebe.

[864] So I don't store those memories.

[865] Right.

[866] If that makes any sense at all.

[867] Nope, you lost me. Okay.

[868] Take her away, boys.

[869] I mean, I'd become baby.

[870] So I just started talking to myself, Phoebe.

[871] That makes sense.

[872] So I have had the experience of, because you went on to do one of the things I've always loved is that you take on these incredibly, these different projects that are very smart, that are very different.

[873] And not crowd pleasers?

[874] No, well, I love the comeback.

[875] And I have to tell you, yesterday, someone started asking me, I, Out of nowhere, is she going to make more of the comeback?

[876] Is Lisa going to make more of the comeback?

[877] And first of all, I was, you know, I didn't know this person and I didn't know why they weren't asking me about what I was up to.

[878] Issue number one.

[879] So I noted that.

[880] You know, I've got some stuff coming too, you know.

[881] There's a podcast.

[882] Radio's back.

[883] Yeah.

[884] No, no, no, no. The comeback.

[885] But I love the comeback, but I used to tell you this, because I care about, you and feel connected to you, when the other characters were being really cruel to you on that show, it upset me. It used to upset me. My husband has the same issue.

[886] Really?

[887] Michelle felt the same way?

[888] Yeah, Michelle can't.

[889] He's never seen, I mean, he's seen like one or two episodes.

[890] He can't, he can't get through it.

[891] He visited the set the first season, and he saw a scene, and he just, like, looked around at, like, some of the writers and just went.

[892] who wrote that?

[893] Yeah.

[894] Who wrote that for my wife to have to live through?

[895] And they just went, she did it.

[896] Like, you did it.

[897] Where do you think I've been?

[898] Yeah.

[899] Like before we started shooting, the writers were writing it.

[900] And he, yeah, he couldn't handle it.

[901] Now, I don't understand it.

[902] I don't understand what you're saying.

[903] I don't understand it.

[904] It's, there's a...

[905] Because it's not me, unless it is me and I don't know it.

[906] No, no, no. It's not that it's you, but it is, you're playing the part and you're really this vulnerable character who's attempting this comeback.

[907] There was an actor in particular who's so good who played the head writer, Polly.

[908] Polly G. Lance Barber.

[909] Yeah.

[910] Lance Barber.

[911] He's on Young Sheldon.

[912] Yes.

[913] He's great.

[914] He is a terrific actor, but he's so good at being absolutely cruel to you.

[915] Then I would watch it with my wife and I would get upset.

[916] And I would be like, I don't, I don't, it bothered me that someone was being that mean to you, which is a credit to you and to Lance and to everyone who made the show.

[917] Right.

[918] You get invested in it.

[919] I didn't like it.

[920] I didn't like it.

[921] I didn't like it.

[922] I didn't like that you were being put through the ringer.

[923] Right.

[924] But you were willing to be put through the ringer, which I think made it an amazing show.

[925] Right.

[926] Well, I mean, look, I don't think I've ever been treated that poorly.

[927] But, I mean, I think being in this business, you are being put through the ringer.

[928] I mean, well, meat grinder.

[929] That's why our poster was, you know, her throwing herself with a big smile on her face into a meat grinder because you're signing up for it.

[930] But, I mean, that's what it is, you know, if you're a guest star on a show and, you know, they just don't have time to be nice to you.

[931] They're busy.

[932] They're trying to figure out their other stuff.

[933] And, you know, it's, it can be, it's hard.

[934] You have to be completely egoless.

[935] You have to be tough and understand what's, and not take anything personally, you know.

[936] Right.

[937] Yeah, I don't know.

[938] I loved every, I love every moment playing that woman, every moment that even like she's clocking being hurt, but then thinking it, okay, that never happened.

[939] And all of a sudden, everything's fine.

[940] Yeah, yeah.

[941] Send it around.

[942] I'll tell you what to think.

[943] I'm fine.

[944] I'm fine.

[945] You know, I just love that.

[946] She's relentless.

[947] She's relentless.

[948] She's relentless.

[949] And then there's like a part of that at first, you know, I'd be, when we came up with that character and, you know, And working it out, I thought I was making fun of her.

[950] But as we were going on, I started to admire her that, well, she's tough.

[951] It turns out she's tough as nails.

[952] She knows what she wants.

[953] And here's, unfortunately, you know, the moat full of crocodiles.

[954] You have to cross to get there.

[955] And all right, no problem.

[956] I'll do it.

[957] I'll just walk, step lightly.

[958] You know, like.

[959] Oh, hey, he took my ankle off.

[960] That's right.

[961] I got another one.

[962] Yeah.

[963] I mean, she's just, everything's fine.

[964] It's fine.

[965] And here's how.

[966] And there's a big part of me that rationalizes things, you know, sometimes to my detriment.

[967] But I don't know.

[968] That was so fun to me. So, but I understand that people had a problem watching that, especially that first season.

[969] Plus, because it was like 2005, I think.

[970] Right.

[971] You know, when we did that.

[972] And I don't know.

[973] Well, I don't want to say any more about it.

[974] The, yeah.

[975] Okay.

[976] I just ran out of thoughts.

[977] That's a good way to end a sentence.

[978] And I'm not.

[979] I'm done, period.

[980] You mentioned your husband.

[981] I'm a huge fan.

[982] I've spent a lot of time with your husband, Michelle.

[983] One of the handsomest men continues to be one of the most, and he's effortlessly handsome.

[984] He just, he's this incredibly good -looking, worldly guy with a great sense of humor.

[985] Yeah.

[986] And I love being around him and aspire.

[987] At times I'm around him and I'm like, I want to be like Michelle.

[988] He just is always dressed well and he's funny and he has a funny and he has a friend.

[989] French accent, which I think gets you 50 % off everything in life.

[990] Doesn't he get discounts because he's as a French accent?

[991] I think so.

[992] Yeah.

[993] Yeah, I think so.

[994] I think, yeah.

[995] A lot of times people think, some people think he's like doing a caricature of a French guy.

[996] And I'm like, no, that's, that was him.

[997] Or maybe I should keep it to myself, you know.

[998] Well, he does insist on, he's the one that always orders the wine.

[999] Yeah.

[1000] Whenever we go out, he orders the wine and he really orders it carefully and smells it and he does the thing that a French caricature would do.

[1001] Yeah, exactly.

[1002] Do you know what I mean?

[1003] Yeah, no, I know.

[1004] He's just missing, you know, the baguette and a beret on his head.

[1005] And a bicycle.

[1006] Yeah, and a bicycle, exactly.

[1007] But I feel like he's a good counterweight to, I mean, that's what a lot of marriages are, as you find the person who can not bring what you bring to the table, but bring something different to the table.

[1008] You know, and you have all of these superpowers, and then he has these strengths in this completely different area.

[1009] He was able to say, like, oh, my baby, you don't worry about it.

[1010] You know, it's good.

[1011] Yeah.

[1012] No, it's true.

[1013] I mean, yeah, it's true.

[1014] I don't know what to say without getting all, you know, goopy about it.

[1015] But, you know, I don't know.

[1016] I had a bad, I had a bad dream last night.

[1017] And you know, like when you want to scream at the villain in your dream and you're paralyzed, right?

[1018] You can't.

[1019] And somehow I was able to get out really clearly.

[1020] a no. And I thought, oh, because when I heard it coming out of my mouth, it woke me up, and Michelle had grabbed me and yanked me to him, like, rescued me. And that wasn't a dream.

[1021] He did it.

[1022] That's fantastic.

[1023] Just this morning, I was kind of blown away.

[1024] And then we woke up, and I went, you rescued me. And he went, yes, my baby.

[1025] Oh.

[1026] Wait, who was the villain?

[1027] I don't know.

[1028] I mean, I didn't know him.

[1029] Oh, you didn't know him?

[1030] No, I didn't know him.

[1031] It's not like a famous person.

[1032] No. No. Was it Gerald Ford?

[1033] Yes.

[1034] No, it wasn't.

[1035] It was Gerald Ford, no. It was former president Gerald Ford.

[1036] No, it wasn't.

[1037] I won't a specific person.

[1038] It wasn't, but I sense it was sort of like a, you know, like a neo -Nazi type something.

[1039] I don't know what it was.

[1040] And I think, I don't know, it was an argument that, you know, because it's me, I knew it was going to end in he was going to try to kill me. So, yeah.

[1041] That's great.

[1042] No. I think my wife would push me away.

[1043] I've got to get up in an hour.

[1044] Get to the bus stop.

[1045] Get out.

[1046] Well, have you tried to rescue her?

[1047] No, I have.

[1048] Maybe, see.

[1049] I know your wife.

[1050] No. She's the best.

[1051] She's very good.

[1052] God, I love her.

[1053] Doesn't rescue me in bed, though.

[1054] Well, oh.

[1055] I'm going to try that tonight.

[1056] I'm going to try.

[1057] I'm going to test her.

[1058] And see if she thinks her from the jaws of them.

[1059] I'm going to yell out.

[1060] No, no, you're getting me. No. And see, does Liza pull me towards her to protect her?

[1061] protect me or does she push or smack you awake or smack you awake and say shut up go to go to the guest room I've got to get up soon and I know what I'm betting on Lisa what I times up oh not hashtag just oh my God you know are you going to speak up for me and when they when they when they come from me and the hashtag I don't know your life yes yes of course I don't know oh I like how you quickly separated you yourself for me. Well, I don't know your life.

[1062] Yeah, of course.

[1063] Yeah, yeah, sure, please.

[1064] I've, I've made myself.

[1065] Why?

[1066] What's?

[1067] No, I've ruthlessly, I've ruthlessly for many decades made myself asexual.

[1068] And I, that's my protection.

[1069] And it's paid off.

[1070] See?

[1071] It's paid off.

[1072] All those years, people saying, maybe a little more sex appeal.

[1073] And you're like, no, there's a reason.

[1074] I don't know why.

[1075] There's a bad time coming.

[1076] There's a bad time coming.

[1077] I know what I know.

[1078] And I'm going to be gender neutral.

[1079] Wouldn't that be funny if I also got crazy?

[1080] And you're the one who told me be asexual.

[1081] It'll pay up.

[1082] You said, I know what I know.

[1083] In 86, you said, I know what I know.

[1084] Gender neutral.

[1085] Lisa, spending time with you is one of my favorite things in the world.

[1086] Me too.

[1087] It's just so weird to have you come in because this is how we talk anyway and that there's microphones here and I'm going to make tens of dollars off of this.

[1088] This was a real treat I love you, and I thank you so much for being here.

[1089] And I want to...

[1090] Let's get another dinner on the books where I get to spend time with your husband.

[1091] Okay.

[1092] My true love.

[1093] That's true.

[1094] Oh, my God, he's got great...

[1095] Hair.

[1096] He's just got great hair, great silvery hair, and he's always got a cool tan.

[1097] Yeah, he's handsome.

[1098] He's really good -looking.

[1099] He is.

[1100] All right, Scott Weird.

[1101] There's no one better than Lisa Kudrow.

[1102] I'll say that.

[1103] I'll say that now and I'll say it forever.

[1104] Thanks, Conan.

[1105] Love you.

[1106] Love you, too.

[1107] Peace out.

[1108] Tupac.

[1109] What?

[1110] Why did I ruin it with Tupac?

[1111] I don't know.

[1112] And now it's time for a segment called Cohner O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[1113] Okay, this is a bit of an experiment.

[1114] I have been traveling in Sydney, Australia, shooting a show, a travel show of Cone Without Borders episode.

[1115] I also did a live show while I was there.

[1116] Kind of lost my voice, but I think it's coming back.

[1117] And now I'm on an airplane.

[1118] along with Mr. Aaron Blair.

[1119] Hey, everybody.

[1120] We found a small nook of the airplane.

[1121] I don't know if we're allowed to do this, but, uh, Blay, you've set up some podcast equipment.

[1122] There's a lot of wires all over the floor.

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] No, it really is in this day and age, uh, surprising that we haven't been tackled yet.

[1125] We are 7 ,430 miles from Los Angeles.

[1126] We have about 13 hours until our flight lands.

[1127] If you had to guess what was the outside air?

[1128] temperature.

[1129] I would say it's 32 degrees below Celsius.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] And in Fahrenheit, that'll be minus 26.

[1132] That's a great guess.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] I wanted to just talk briefly.

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] Because I think the point of this podcast, part of it is to entertain.

[1137] I want to say about 5 % of it is to entertain.

[1138] And I think 95 % of it is for people to learn more about me. That's right.

[1139] And really get to know me. And so I thought maybe I'd talk quickly about my travel routine.

[1140] That's something people are probably, I travel a lot.

[1141] people probably want to know what my routine is.

[1142] Yeah, and you do have a very specific routine.

[1143] I do.

[1144] I'm wearing a very comfortable sweat pant that looks like regular pants.

[1145] They're like dress sweatpants.

[1146] I could go run a marathon right now or I could go to a bat mitzvah.

[1147] In case a bot mitzvah breaks out on the plane.

[1148] Often.

[1149] You're ready.

[1150] Or a bris.

[1151] I think there's a bris in business class.

[1152] I'm currently, you're probably wondering when I'm reading.

[1153] You're a voracious reader.

[1154] I'm reading Robert Caro's book.

[1155] working.

[1156] It's a book on his working methods.

[1157] And I'm also reading Chernow's book on General Ulysses S. Grant.

[1158] Here's what I do.

[1159] Whenever I read a book on a historic figure I, in a way that's probably sick, I see parallels between his life and mine.

[1160] Oh no. So I'll be reading about his siege of Fredericksburg and I'll think, yeah, that's like the time I got into a fight with my landlord in L .A. This is back when I was paying $300 ,000.

[1161] $80 a month for an apartment.

[1162] And we got into a squabble.

[1163] I held out the way Grant held out.

[1164] I could read about Julius Caesar, you know, fighting the galls.

[1165] And I'll be thinking, yep, that's me. That's me that time that I thought that they overcharged me at the right aid for my hand cream.

[1166] So, yeah, it's sad.

[1167] But I will drink a lot of water and I will go to the bathroom to urinary.

[1168] every eight minutes.

[1169] That's a lot of very specific information.

[1170] I am very good at urinating.

[1171] Everyone has things they do well.

[1172] Okay.

[1173] As I'm urinating, yes.

[1174] If you're standing outside the bathroom I'm using, you'll hear me shouting, I'm good at this.

[1175] Was it a God -given gift or is it through a lot of practice?

[1176] It's like anything else.

[1177] Practice.

[1178] How do you stay healthy?

[1179] I didn't this trip.

[1180] I got sick.

[1181] Well, you've noticed.

[1182] Right.

[1183] That's true.

[1184] Yeah.

[1185] I shake a lot of hands.

[1186] Yes.

[1187] It's just a habit I've had I was wondering about that.

[1188] I always lick the palms of my hands and say, hmm, good handshake.

[1189] But, you know, we're here.

[1190] We're traveling.

[1191] This is another thing to do.

[1192] This is another travel tip.

[1193] Moisterize a lot while you're on the plane.

[1194] Oh, is that right?

[1195] Yeah, bring some moisturizer.

[1196] Your face.

[1197] Moistrarize your hands.

[1198] I like to moisturize my chest and my upper thighs.

[1199] It's not normal.

[1200] Just constantly keep areas moist because a plane will dehydrate you.

[1201] Do you like a scent or unscented?

[1202] No, no. Well, if it's going.

[1203] to be a scent.

[1204] I want it to be something like a beef.

[1205] I like to smell like a flank steak that's been cooked medium rare with scallions.

[1206] That's the, that's the scent I like.

[1207] Like you just came out of a Mongolian barbecue.

[1208] Here's another good thing you can do to kill time on a flight.

[1209] I like to walk up and down the aisles and introduce myself to people.

[1210] Oh, okay.

[1211] Try and get the word out on my career.

[1212] If they have their sleep mask on, I just lift the sleep mask, poke them.

[1213] They're often a little startled.

[1214] And then I say, hey, Conan O 'Brien, TBS.

[1215] I'm on 11.

[1216] You can also see my travel shows on Netflix.

[1217] They get upset, invariably.

[1218] And then I explain to them, look, this is the profession I've chosen.

[1219] Yes.

[1220] And you chose to be on a flight with me. So, you know, 25 years in show business.

[1221] It's not an accident.

[1222] Every flight you're on working the crowd.

[1223] It's pretty clearly an accident.

[1224] It's up there with a, it's like an oil spill.

[1225] It's a bad accident.

[1226] Here's another thing you can do to, on a long flight.

[1227] Yes.

[1228] Folks, if you're listening, record a podcast.

[1229] Always bring recording equipment with you and an affable sidekick and record a podcast.

[1230] Just why not?

[1231] What?

[1232] We have 15 hours.

[1233] We have 15 hours.

[1234] I think this should be a 15 hour episode.

[1235] I think people should.

[1236] And I can keep giving you updates.

[1237] We are now at 575 miles per hour.

[1238] We've picked up speed over the Pacific.

[1239] Do you have an estimated arrival time?

[1240] Well, I just have to guess, but I'm going to guess it's going to be 555 a .m. in Los Angeles.

[1241] I think one thing I've always admired, about you is you keep in shape.

[1242] Thank you.

[1243] And you were showing me some stretches.

[1244] I like to do a lot of invasive crotch stretches on a plane.

[1245] I like to do that stretch.

[1246] It looks like you're crouching down on the floor.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] It really does look like, you know, I don't know how to say it.

[1249] Like you're defecating, but you're not.

[1250] You're not.

[1251] Occasionally it happens.

[1252] But, you know, I don't know how loudly.

[1253] What do you think is going to sound like?

[1254] I am listening to this on noise canceling headphones.

[1255] And it is a very loud.

[1256] yeah that is the that's the sound of this flight this Qantas Airlines flight they are not paying me any money to say this but this is a good airline it is and one thing actually that's kind of great I've never seen before that Qantas does is they gave us all pajamas a top and a bottom they just gave me a top oh really yeah oh that's interesting and I said where's my bottom and they said exactly and it gave me a meaningful look I don't even know what that means I'm jet lagged under moisturized and babbling like a chimp I will say one thing I think that surprised me about, and this happened on tour as well, is you have a certain regimen in the morning that you like, a certain, there's a consistency, something you always eat.

[1257] Yeah, I bring puffin cereal with me in a little bag.

[1258] I eat my puffin cereal.

[1259] I think it's the most emasculating thing in the world to carry your own breakfast cereal.

[1260] I've often been humiliated, but I like to, I like it because it's, you know, it's a fairly healthy cereal.

[1261] It's very low in sugar.

[1262] But to walk into a dining room and have the hostess see you, yes, I'm a married man and I'm a faithful married man, but I would still like women to see me as a help me out.

[1263] Everyone wants to be wanted, a sexual being.

[1264] A sexual being, thank you.

[1265] Yeah.

[1266] I hate walking into the dining room when I'm traveling to get, eat my breakfast.

[1267] And I have a little, you know, I have that little wax bag that comes inside the cereal box.

[1268] Yes.

[1269] And it's got the puffins in it.

[1270] And I have a little elastic band around it and it's all rolled up and they always say the same thing what will you be having and I say well I'll you know I'll have coffee and I'll have some orange juice and just an empty bowl and some almond milk and then I hold up the bag and I say and I already have my puffins and this is a real thing this is a real thing this is a true thing you're not kidding not me I go oh I've got my puffins and I hold up this sad wrapped up wax bag with elastic and I can see right then and there they know that I am incapable of procreating, that there is no seed in this man. There is no sexual threat here.

[1271] This is why my wife never worries about me on the road because she knows that the greatest prophylactic in the world is my bag of puffins that I carry into the dining hall.

[1272] That's true.

[1273] Listen.

[1274] Uh -oh.

[1275] Okay, right now this is the no podcast announcement.

[1276] Oh.

[1277] Okay.

[1278] Oh, and just one other announcement.

[1279] If anyone on board is recording a podcast, please cease immediately.

[1280] It's in violation of international rules.

[1281] I will say it is funny because we are sitting in this weird little nook and flight attendants keep coming around the corner and going like, oh, they act scared because your podcast equipment and, I mean, it could be anything.

[1282] It's chaos.

[1283] It does look like it fires surface to air missiles.

[1284] It's chaos.

[1285] There's a lot of lights and wires everywhere.

[1286] I think we should wrap this up.

[1287] It's a mess.

[1288] I think we're minutes away from being seized.

[1289] How do you plan on spending the next 14 hours and 40 minutes?

[1290] I want to meet everyone on the plane.

[1291] Sounds good.

[1292] I may go up into the cockpit and talk to those guys.

[1293] Oh, Lord.

[1294] I like to make surprise announcements.

[1295] Okay, from 31 ,000 feet, that's minus 35 degrees Celsius.

[1296] Quantis Airlines Flight, this is Conan O 'Brien, wishing you all very little turbulence in your day.

[1297] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1298] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1299] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1300] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1301] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1302] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review feature on a future episode.

[1303] Got a question for Conan?

[1304] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1305] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1306] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1307] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.