Matthew McConaughey

[0] All right.

[1] All right.

[2] Are you going to puke?

[3] No, I'm ready for this.

[4] All right, you got to close your eyes then.

[5] All right, let me see if I can do it.

[6] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

[7] It's an armchair expert.

[8] I'm your resident expert, Dan Shepard.

[9] I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

[10] How do you miss Mouse?

[11] I'm good.

[12] That's good.

[13] That's good.

[14] That's a good mouse.

[15] I would imagine you've already guessed by now from that stellar impersonation that Matthew McConaughey's on the show.

[16] today.

[17] I thought you were going to do the whole thing as him.

[18] I didn't know if I could sustain it.

[19] That was good.

[20] That was good?

[21] Yeah.

[22] All right.

[23] Am I duck in and out a little bit?

[24] Okay, great.

[25] You know Matthew McConaughey, who does it?

[26] My God, this guy is the most fun love and good time and where is it all well.

[27] Matthew McConaughey is a Golden Globe and Academy Award winning actor, author and producer.

[28] His credits include Dallas Biosch Club, Interstellar, True Detective.

[29] I lose a guy in 10 days.

[30] The wolf of Wall Street.

[31] Dazed and confused.

[32] Magic Mike.

[33] It's got a new book.

[34] Green lights available now.

[35] Let me give him some real service.

[36] You got to check out Green Lights.

[37] It's his new memoir, and I have read the bulk of it, and I fucking love it, as you'll hear.

[38] He is a rare bird.

[39] He is.

[40] He's a unicorn.

[41] He's a unicorn.

[42] There's a unicorn.

[43] Twit, twit.

[44] He, oh.

[45] That was good.

[46] That was in character.

[47] He would say something.

[48] I feel like he would.

[49] Yeah.

[50] You'd say unicorn.

[51] He'd say tweet, tweet.

[52] And it would make sense coming out of his mouth.

[53] Anyways, man, and we have a party talking to McConaughey.

[54] Thank you, Matthew McConaughey for coming on the show.

[55] And please enjoy Mr. McConnor.

[56] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[57] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app.

[58] or on Apple Podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[59] He's an object expert.

[60] Dax Randall.

[61] That's a deep dive.

[62] Where'd you get the Randall?

[63] I don't know.

[64] Yeah, you know, I probably picked it up for my brother.

[65] You're not sure exactly what to spell it out.

[66] My brother does this all the time.

[67] He's like, yeah, man, who's calling?

[68] He goes, this is the P -A -T.

[69] Okay, thank you.

[70] Slows everything down and spells it out.

[71] Now, I really wanted to do this in person.

[72] In fact, I think at one point I offered to fucking fly down to Austin because you tell me if you agree.

[73] I think we have rhythm.

[74] Well, you and I think we got rhythm too, and we both noticed sitting in two like little wicker lawn chairs in front of a lake at a friend of ours birthday party one morning or evening.

[75] I kind of think it was a morning.

[76] It was a morning, and I'll tell you from my point of view what happened, which is, you know, you're a very attractive charismatic.

[77] guy and a lot of people give you attention.

[78] So I kind of slow played you.

[79] I gave you your space Friday and Saturday.

[80] And then Sunday morning, I saw you in the morning.

[81] You just gotten out of the shower and I said, how are you feeling?

[82] And you go, I'm building towards it.

[83] I feel like shit now, but I'm around the corner from feeling pretty good.

[84] Give you time.

[85] I know, yeah, I've learned over the years.

[86] Don't get in a rush.

[87] The frequency will come.

[88] What's up, Rob?

[89] They're on.

[90] Yeah.

[91] The whole thing is through my ears.

[92] Yeah.

[93] Rob, basically what happened is we were just about to make love.

[94] And then Rob, pop.

[95] Don't blame Rob.

[96] Does Rob also know that you and I could go back and say the same things, but take two always sucks compared to take them?

[97] I don't believe myself, take two.

[98] I buy it.

[99] No, I don't either.

[100] And I do it in front of the camera and I'll go, do they know I was bullshitting?

[101] I was fucking acting right there.

[102] I was acting.

[103] I'm always better the first time.

[104] Me too.

[105] That's why I have to improv because I just don't believe myself.

[106] I got to say something a little different or I don't buy it.

[107] Okay.

[108] So this, me saying hello to you.

[109] you in the morning.

[110] Yeah.

[111] As I recall, built to you and I, yes, sitting on a lake, people like, you know, they had packed up their stuff.

[112] They were rushing out.

[113] We talked about the slow exits.

[114] Uh -huh.

[115] And both of our love for long road trips.

[116] And then you told me a story about your dad that I think of, I've said out loud in my head probably 20 times since.

[117] And we were talking about both of our dads died of, yours died of cancer, right?

[118] No, he died making love to my mother.

[119] Well, yes, he did.

[120] That's true, but I can't imagine that was the cause of death, was it?

[121] I mean, the cause of death, obviously his heart, the heart attack, his heart was unable to pump enough blood to the rest of his body to keep him alive at the time of climax, and that might have had something to do with two and a half to three packs of filterless camel's cigarettes.

[122] He smoked a day, and yet still coming back to us while he smoked one and had another one already lit in the ashtray.

[123] We go, pop, you sure you're supposed to he smoke?

[124] And he says, oh, yeah, doctor says, I got the heart of a 22 -year -old.

[125] hardler.

[126] Monica, how many times have I told you that?

[127] Oh, wow.

[128] I got the heart of a 22 -year -old I heard of words.

[129] Oh, my God.

[130] Yeah, it's the best reference I think I've ever heard.

[131] Back to this lake chat.

[132] Another thing was I had been dying to ask you this, you know, since I think I've been aware of you, which is at one point I just said to you, man, you have some constitution, right?

[133] Because me, you know, I haven't drank in a long time and I couldn't handle the mornings.

[134] I had to drink in the morning.

[135] then it turned into like three -day thing.

[136] And I see you fucking jogging every morning.

[137] And I just was like, you have the constitution I wish I could buy on a shelf.

[138] Well, thank you.

[139] I mean, discipline, I'd say probably some people close to me would say that would be one of my strengths.

[140] I mean, I never have been one of those people that, the next proverbial next day goes, oh, God, never doing that again.

[141] Well, bullshit.

[142] You are too.

[143] Hang on a second.

[144] And also, I'll check in the night before going, okay, what do we got tomorrow morning?

[145] You know, what's my situation here?

[146] What do we got tomorrow morning?

[147] We don't start till 11.

[148] That's pretty easy.

[149] Oh, we start at 7.

[150] Okay.

[151] Okay, risk reward here.

[152] What do we measuring this?

[153] Look at the group.

[154] What's everyone pouring?

[155] Is this night on the way down, or are we about to switch into third gear and go up?

[156] And then I've got to go, okay.

[157] And if I choose to say, okay, the rocket's going to launch here, and this could go till sunrise.

[158] I get my mind right there.

[159] I'll go head off that night and look in the mirror and go, hey, buddy, this is going to suck tomorrow morning.

[160] Now, we're going to bulldog through this.

[161] We're not going to make any excuses.

[162] We're going to get up an hour and after that.

[163] We're going to go run and sweat this damn thing out, and tomorrow's going to be hard.

[164] Are you in?

[165] And we'll shake on it or not.

[166] And then the next morning, just go, here we go, man, right at the baseline.

[167] Oh, that's great.

[168] That is great.

[169] And then I also told you a story while we were sitting there, which was a good friend of mine was with you on an island on New Year's Eve.

[170] You guys were having a great, great time, and eventually you outpaced him.

[171] And he had to shut it down around.

[172] I think he said three or four in the morning.

[173] and he could still hear you at the campfire and stuff.

[174] He then crawls out of bed at like 10 in the morning when he turns on the TV to watch the UT game and old Matthew McConaughey sitting in the fucking sidelines in Austin's Texas.

[175] And he goes, what?

[176] How did he time travel?

[177] How is he?

[178] And he said you looked amazing, full of energy, bright -eyed, bushy tail.

[179] And I was like, what a constitution.

[180] Ooh.

[181] You know, I mean, yeah, sometimes we do need more than 24 hours in a day, but they just haven't been given any more than that, the last I checked.

[182] So I'm just trying to make the tally.

[183] Oh, my God.

[184] So I'm reading your book.

[185] I'm a slow reader, but I'm too extremely slow reader.

[186] Truly enjoying it.

[187] You're such a good storyteller.

[188] Thank you, man. Thank you.

[189] I've been keeping diaries for 36 years.

[190] They end up in a treasure chest.

[191] I always have them with me next to me, daring to say, hey, one day I'm going to open those up and look at my past and see if anything's worth a damn.

[192] And I never had the courage to do it, really.

[193] I was just too scared of it.

[194] I'm not really nostalgic.

[195] I always like to sort of move forward.

[196] Hey, don't look back.

[197] What you did, you did.

[198] Part of that's, I think, cool.

[199] And the other part is I was just too scared to.

[200] Embarrassment.

[201] Oh, my gosh.

[202] I was glad we forgot about that party or whatever.

[203] I don't know.

[204] Maybe it's coming on 50.

[205] And I sat there and I had a few weeks.

[206] I looked over at it and that old treasure chest was barking at me and said, come on.

[207] Quit talking about it, big boy.

[208] And I was like, all right.

[209] And I told Camilla, my wife, and she was like, that's exactly what you need to do.

[210] Get the hell out of here with those diaries.

[211] Go pack up your cooler and your meat and go somewhere and don't come back until you got something.

[212] And I had always thought, like, hey, you know, I'll move on.

[213] In martyrdom, maybe Camilla or a good friend will open those up.

[214] And if it's anything worth sharing, they'll do it.

[215] And that was also a kind of a chicken shit call, too.

[216] So I took off with all those diaries.

[217] I went off to the desert on my own with no electricity.

[218] It's kind of the same thing on that next morning.

[219] I said, we're going to take our time here.

[220] see what unfolds, what comes out of these pages.

[221] And I got this idea that it's going to be all very academic stuff.

[222] Uh -huh.

[223] You know, I'm really thinking, oh, this is going to be like an educational tool.

[224] Well, after about four days, I'm looking at it, I'm going, that's not what this is.

[225] This is stories, people, places, prescriptions, poems, prayers, and a shitload of bumper stickers.

[226] You know what I mean?

[227] So it was philosophical, but it became much more poetic and storytelling with a much more storytelling narrative to put together chronologically than I suspected.

[228] Once I had those categories that I just rift off to you there, the central theme that sort of exposed itself was, man, you've had a lot of red lights and yellow lights in your life, hard times or bumps in the road, McConaughey.

[229] But you found green lights in them, either by turning them into green lights, denying that there was a crisis at all in the first place, or just waiting it out and seeing how, you know, the red light death of your father actually turns you into the man that you've become because you didn't have, him alive as a crutch anymore.

[230] So over time, going through the last 50 years of my life, I just know, geez, a lot of those yellow and red lights, I had turned into green lights and been talking to people.

[231] I see that that happens with a lot of people too.

[232] Yeah.

[233] They will turn green for us, either in this life or the next, tomorrow, or on our deathbed.

[234] So immediately I related to you because I have kept a journal too, very sporadically from about probably 17 to my late 20s, you know, just checking in occasionally.

[235] But then I got sober and I got kind of superstitious about, if I can't dedicate 20 minutes in the morning to writing this fucking piece of paper, how much am I really willing to put towards this goal?

[236] So I did it sociopathically for 13 years, never missed one morning.

[237] Yeah.

[238] But I wonder why you journaled.

[239] I journaled because I had an inflated sense of purpose.

[240] I thought I was going to be special.

[241] I wanted to document it if I'm being.

[242] dead honest.

[243] And you were correct.

[244] Seriously.

[245] I take these little adventures.

[246] I was on like a six -month road trip once.

[247] You know, I think I had fantasies of being Kerouac or something, but I was just curious.

[248] What even motivated you to write down your thoughts in your life?

[249] I thought that I was going to be special and all those things.

[250] Oh, good, good, good, good.

[251] I remember being in a movie theater.

[252] I don't remember the damn movie it was.

[253] And I remember consistently in a movie theater laughing at stuff, but I was the only one laughing.

[254] and then not laughing when the whole crowd laughed.

[255] I was always like, I liked the subversion of the second underbelly joke or the way it was delivered.

[256] I would laugh in the pause, the pregnant pause.

[257] I was like, that's funny.

[258] And not maybe the punchline.

[259] Then I would have certain albums I would listen to or music or also films I would watch that I would cry at.

[260] And everyone else was like, what are you crying?

[261] What's the thing?

[262] I was like, you don't get that, man, oh, gee.

[263] And so I'd find something sad that no one found out.

[264] I'd get ticked off at things that other people are like, what are you mad about that for?

[265] But I wouldn't get mad at what they're mad about.

[266] Yeah.

[267] So I started writing this down to go, are you a unicorn here, McConaughey, or what is this?

[268] And then got confident enough to say, oh, other people feel that way too, but you need to jot these things down because this may be a window into who you are as an individual.

[269] And I want to be autonomous as I can.

[270] I don't want to just say, hey, hey, when are you supposed to laugh?

[271] When are we supposed to cry?

[272] When am we supposed to get mad?

[273] When am I supposed to be happy?

[274] And I started jotting those down and sort of become a private investigator on myself.

[275] Yeah.

[276] And just enjoyed that.

[277] And then all of a sudden was like, well, if there's anybody to be interested in trying to understand no better person than ourselves.

[278] So that became a live project, very sociopathic about that.

[279] I did very early on notice that you typically go write in a diary when you're having trouble.

[280] Sure.

[281] And you're looking for an answer, right?

[282] Mm -hmm.

[283] And I learned after about eight years of doing it, I was like, oh, okay, don't just go to this diary when you're like, oh, I need to hide out and figure something.

[284] Make sure you take that 20 minutes when you're flying high and you're like, huh, I got it all figured out.

[285] Yeah.

[286] Because there's a science to that satisfaction.

[287] So let's write down, what are we been doing?

[288] Who were we hanging out with?

[289] What were you reading?

[290] What were you eating?

[291] Look, for me, it's like you also catch your ego.

[292] It's like a great time to check your ego because I'll be like ruminating on something.

[293] And then I'll write it on a piece of paper and I look at it and I go, oh, my God, you're repugnant.

[294] That part has helped me. Yeah, but don't you think that's, also, look, I don't think the ego gets enough credit.

[295] I'm a fan of ego.

[296] We don't have an ego.

[297] We don't have judgment.

[298] We don't have discernment.

[299] And there are certain things, trust me, that I've written down that I think, ah, da -da, and I look at it the next day.

[300] I'm like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[301] You and I mentioned it that morning and talking about, I think it's a brand of comedy that is my favorite, which is called delusional optimism.

[302] Yes, yes.

[303] It's one of the best things for comedy, the delusional optimistic character.

[304] The ones that's just like bulletproof, and you're like going, no, you're not.

[305] Yeah, or in the Blues Brothers, right, when that woman blows up, the phone booth they're in, and they go sky high, and then they come landing in when they land, the thing breaks up, and there's a bunch of quarters, and they're elated.

[306] And I'm like, oh, my God, what a great response to that.

[307] All affirmative.

[308] Now, it's been useful to me to have that.

[309] I've only really consulted it to be helpful once in my life.

[310] I was starting to move in...

[311] But the ego?

[312] No, no, the journal.

[313] The journal.

[314] Got it.

[315] So I was starting to move.

[316] and I had an audition for it.

[317] I just got offered it, right?

[318] And so I kind of just was putting off in my head what I was going to do.

[319] And three days before the movie, I'm in a hotel room, and I'm starting to think I'm a fraud, I'm not going to be able to do this, I'm terrible.

[320] And I just had the force, I just thought, I'm going to look at my journal from right before I started the movie before.

[321] I go back, I read it, I'm a fraud, I can't do this.

[322] Then I read day one of filming.

[323] I'm the best actor that's ever lived.

[324] I'm such an asset to this movie.

[325] And I was like, oh, this is just my pattern.

[326] And I'm just in fear right now.

[327] And that helped me just go like, yeah, whatever.

[328] I know where this is going to end up.

[329] But I needed to see it in writing, you know, it was helpful.

[330] And what about the fact that you also saw that, oh, I obviously give a damn enough to believe I'm a fraud leading up because I've got butterflies.

[331] And what the hell am I doing?

[332] I'm in the unknown.

[333] I'm unbalanced.

[334] And then all of a sudden, when they put me in the game, I perform and go, you damn right.

[335] I'm happy.

[336] Great, hey, better than the other way around.

[337] Oh, God, yes.

[338] I know a lot of people, and I've been in times of my life where the lead -up, I'm like, whoo -hoo, watch this, and then showed up and ate shit.

[339] I'm like, oh.

[340] Now, your childhood is spectacular.

[341] I think I have some overlap with you, but I just want to start immediately with the fact that your dad...

[342] You've got early -divorced parents, right?

[343] I have early -divorced parents.

[344] I also, dad was a big, big figure, big guy.

[345] My brother had to fight him.

[346] He wanted to fight me. He wanted to fight me, and he was about nine hours out of a hernia operation.

[347] So he's got his shirt off.

[348] He's just shoved me on the bed, and his stomach is just stapled together.

[349] And my excuse, I was so happy you wrote it the way you did, that you were honest, that you fucking, you were scared, and you weren't ready to do that because I didn't want to do it either, but I had the excuse of, I'm like, Dad, I'll fucking kill you if we fight.

[350] I'll kill, you know, I'll rip your, your inters are going to fall out.

[351] So I always had that as a crutch to lean on, but truth but told, I wanted nothing to do with it.

[352] No, it's something about your father.

[353] Oh, and yours.

[354] And your dad was six, four, and two sixty five.

[355] So that's, that's a hell of a scrap to get into.

[356] Yeah, it wasn't going to be much of a scrap.

[357] I mean, I was, like I said in the story, I mean, I pissed my pants, just the idea.

[358] And I said, my fists were like, it would have been paper machet.

[359] Yes.

[360] And he offered, you know, put his chin out.

[361] Come on, four to my one.

[362] Oh.

[363] You know, and it was not even, in my mind, an option that I wanted to engage with.

[364] Whereas your brother, Rooster, who's similar -sized you, he went to the end, right?

[365] He did.

[366] Well, that was his right of passage as he did earlier.

[367] And from that day on, him and my dad were best friends.

[368] But dad challenged his loyalty.

[369] It's in the book.

[370] He did a similar thing with me. And I would say it's sort of when he said the story to me when I asked him if I go to film school and he goes, don't have facet.

[371] That was sort of him going.

[372] you stepped out of line and you're bold enough to go your own way.

[373] Well, when he was with my brother Rooster and it's a story about going to roll the pipe, which they had always done that in their lives.

[374] Quickly, my God wants to...

[375] His dad sold oil piping and then his brother Rooster, who's considerably older than you.

[376] How much older is he?

[377] 16 years older.

[378] Oh, wow, yeah.

[379] He then, too, became a salesman.

[380] He starts crushing.

[381] He lands this huge account with a guy, and his dad was like, let's go steal some pipe, which they had done in the past.

[382] which they had done in the past.

[383] Got it.

[384] And he, dad says, let's go steal it from this guy.

[385] His new account.

[386] Oh, God.

[387] And my brother's like, oh, now come on, man. And then all of a sudden my dad starts to think, oh, wait, but where's your loyalty, son?

[388] With me or him.

[389] They're pretty drunk at this point, I'll add.

[390] Yeah.

[391] Rooster's just like not doing it.

[392] Oh, yeah, you're not going to listen to your old man. And they got into it, and two -by -fours were swung, and Rooster almost knocked him out finally.

[393] And Dad couldn't see and got up with the ground.

[394] and that's when dad cried and hugged him.

[395] It was like, that's my boy.

[396] Oh, my gosh.

[397] You bucked me, you told me, you told me no one can wait, dad.

[398] I ain't doing it, and I'll fight you for it.

[399] And that's when my dad was like, from that down, never another argument with Rooster, never like, you ought to do that.

[400] They were best buds because Rooster bucked him and said, uh -uh, uh -uh.

[401] What a mental game.

[402] Yep.

[403] Now, when I'm reading your stories, man, they're so similar to mine.

[404] So my childhood was, you know, there was a good amount of violence.

[405] There was a lot of divorces.

[406] There was, you know, I saw my mom get beat up.

[407] And I can tell the story in a very entertaining fun way.

[408] And I have for years.

[409] And to me, some of the, some of the shit that I think is really funny troubles other people.

[410] Or it sounds very scary.

[411] And I totally respect it.

[412] But your stories, you know, you have a sense of levity to them.

[413] And you put them in this context where it's like, yeah, it was really messy and it was fucked up.

[414] But it resulted in something I'm quite proud to have been given.

[415] Proud of honored.

[416] Honored to.

[417] Yeah.

[418] Now within that, though.

[419] You're smart as shit.

[420] And, you know, we've learned about aces, like, you know, childhood trauma.

[421] And they have a pretty profound effect on people.

[422] Do you also have a sense that, like, yes, some of the stuff maybe was a little too rough for a human?

[423] Is it just your point of view in life that's like everything happens for you and not to you?

[424] Or have you ever considered, like, you know, the fight you describe between your mom and dad is insane.

[425] So dad comes home.

[426] He wants more mashed potatoes.

[427] Mom thinks he's a little too heavy, flips the table up in the air.

[428] she grabs a knife, she hits him in the face with a phone, breaks his nose.

[429] Like, this is the kind of story I'd tell.

[430] And at the same time, I'm going, that's a very stressful situation for a kid.

[431] Yeah.

[432] So look, I mean, at the time, I was just a young kid for four years.

[433] I'm crying, mom and dad are screaming at each other fighting.

[434] I've seen where this could go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know.

[435] And the fact that 12 -inch blade was pulled out probably didn't make me go, oh, this could be mortal.

[436] But it was just another.

[437] it heightened the circumstances and it was, oh, no, screaming, no. And mind you, oblivious to me. This is a great thing about my parents.

[438] It's not like they were going to become objective in their own presence and go, oh, wait a minute, Matthew's over there.

[439] Maybe we should send him to the room.

[440] No, no stepping out of it.

[441] If you got front row seats to the rodeo, good for you.

[442] We ain't checking your ID, no matter how old you are.

[443] Here it goes live.

[444] There was also no, in our family, no, later on, hey, can we talk to you about that time?

[445] No, no, no. You didn't dive in.

[446] Because what was the last thing?

[447] The last image was the green light.

[448] After they're bloody, she's swinging this blade at him.

[449] They're dancing around this kitchen.

[450] And all of a sudden, he swipes this bottle of Heinz ketchup.

[451] And she's swinging out like this.

[452] And he's like, it starts slathering your ketchup.

[453] And dancing like a matador.

[454] Oh, my God.

[455] And he starts going, touche.

[456] It sounds like it's out of a Bukowski story.

[457] She's getting frustrated.

[458] She can't get him with the blade, and she's covered now with ketchup.

[459] All of a sudden, she's like, uh, drops a knife.

[460] She's crying and dead.

[461] Bloody nose, all going out.

[462] Jobs and ketchup, and then they just go, wop, end each other down on the floor and make love on the kitchen floor.

[463] I'm just talking.

[464] What?

[465] What?

[466] What?

[467] You know, so there was always a, there was always, you know, That's what they needed to communicate.

[468] Was it wild and violent in front of me and something you go, well, that's not really for four -year -old's odds or anyone's eyes, sure.

[469] But it was.

[470] You see the reverence and the honor I have but to tell another stories.

[471] And there's unequivocal love in my family.

[472] That's what I think supersedes all of this is the halo around any of the events.

[473] We knew we were loved.

[474] I knew mom and dad loved each other.

[475] I knew I was loved.

[476] My brothers knew they were loved.

[477] We had a saying, I love you.

[478] I just don't like you right now.

[479] Well, that was one of the times where they didn't like each other.

[480] My mom, to this day, goes, oh, I don't regret that fight or the other 20 of them.

[481] She goes, I needed that to communicate.

[482] My mom, whose middle finger is broken four times and goes like, she's like, oh, yeah, I started those fights, popping them in the head.

[483] I needed it.

[484] Well, I'm glad I don't need that like she does.

[485] I'm glad my wife, Camilla, doesn't need that like she does.

[486] I don't want to get into that state that my dad would have to get into with her.

[487] I don't want that rocky of a relationship.

[488] But it also, I think, is part of, maybe it's generational as well.

[489] Well, I was going to say it's in a context.

[490] And so I grew up in the 70s as well.

[491] And I also grew up in a very blue -collar area of Michigan where that kind of stuff was pretty regular.

[492] So you didn't feel alone or isolated or unique because it was happening to a lot of my friends and it seemed normal.

[493] So that's relevant as well, I think.

[494] I've never done any psychoanalysis on any of that stuff.

[495] That's why I'm here.

[496] I've worked through.

[497] I mean, I'm not in denial of it.

[498] When I tell about the love of my family, I tell about the times that we were disciplined or the times when mom and dad got in a fight.

[499] Maybe because it's so vital and so alive, and it never became something that was above the absolute love and passion.

[500] And I'm not here to judge it.

[501] I'm not here to say, you know, that's unfair and we should have called child protects it.

[502] No, none of that shit.

[503] It's what I saw, and when I tell those stories, I light up, not in fear.

[504] On paper, like you said earlier, you go, oh, no. But no, when I'm telling it or I'm writing it, my heart is swelling.

[505] I am beaming in love and pride and honor to tell those stories because they had great value in my life.

[506] Well, and you got through them.

[507] Essence is really is like, challenges are inevitable.

[508] How are you going to react to them?

[509] Resilience is a big thing.

[510] I mean, if anything, that's something that is really ingrained in our whole upbringing.

[511] is you get up to us yourself and you move on.

[512] You forgive and you forget.

[513] You don't go to bed holding grudges.

[514] You end up the fight.

[515] What, however bloody it is, let's make love before we go to bed.

[516] You know what I mean?

[517] Whatever I've got to beef with you, if we can't settle it tonight, forget school tomorrow.

[518] We'll stay up all damn night and deal this and work this out until you and I can hug it out and drop a tear and head off and we will never bring this moment up again.

[519] I can't hold a grudge on you.

[520] You can't play add it up with me. If I bring up two weeks later, well, Dax did it?

[521] Uh -uh.

[522] Now I'm in trouble again.

[523] for bringing the damn thing up because we settled that.

[524] That was over.

[525] We've moved on from that.

[526] You know, Pat gets busted with weed.

[527] It's violent.

[528] He lies.

[529] You know, how's it in?

[530] We take a 35 -minute truck right across town to the best burger joint to go get burgers and shakes and to bring them home, put them on TV trays, watch TV a while we eat dinner, which we never got to do unless someone got in trouble, and stay up past our bedtime and I'll go to bed -hugging and never another word said about it.

[531] So there was great resilience and we could move on quickly.

[532] Now, the loophole in that, I've found in my life, is if you're so resilient that you just hop back up and get on with it quickly, you never take time to actually get introspective and go, well, why did we do that?

[533] Yeah, yeah, how do I head that off in the future?

[534] Yeah, yeah.

[535] We're also guilty of being repeat offenders.

[536] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[537] We just so quickly hop back up and go, yep, we're good, we're good.

[538] Instead of going like, why did I step in that hole and trip into myself running downhill?

[539] Maybe I need to check that change something next time.

[540] Well, it will not surprise you, Monica, to learn that they were divorced twice and married thrice.

[541] Oh, that's nice.

[542] Isn't that wild?

[543] It was 39 years, yeah.

[544] I was live for one of them and my other two brothers were live for the other one.

[545] We thought they were extended vacations and it kind of were.

[546] I just want to have one last thing.

[547] I only started reevaluating some of my stuff now that I have two kids.

[548] Well, I just kind of look at these little kids and I know the ages I was at when this or that happened.

[549] And I go, hmm, that'd be a lot for my kids to have.

[550] handle.

[551] Absolutely.

[552] A whole lot.

[553] I think it would be more for them to handle than it was for me to handle.

[554] Same.

[555] Same.

[556] But also in that for me was like this great forgiveness for my dad who kind of split at three where I used to hate him over it.

[557] And I look at my kids now.

[558] And by the way, it's why I loved Interstellar.

[559] Once you have kids, the notion of missing your children's life is most sad.

[560] That's the last movie I cried in that movie.

[561] But he missed the whole thing.

[562] And the notion of missing the whole thing for me, I'd rather be dead.

[563] So it also led to like forgiveness.

[564] You know, so I'm also, I'm like critical at one point, but then also there's a bunch of forgiveness.

[565] Yeah, those two can be part and parcel.

[566] I say this in the book.

[567] You also find out when you get older that some of what your, who your parents were, the messenger and the message were two different things.

[568] Made me angry after my father passed away and I found out certain things.

[569] I was like, wait, wait, he didn't live by that?

[570] He taught me that.

[571] No. No. No, no, yes, he didn't.

[572] No, he actually didn't.

[573] Huh?

[574] First, it was anger.

[575] But very quickly, for whatever reason, I was able to get to, oh, okay, okay.

[576] Well, even if the messenger didn't follow through 100 % on the message, don't forget the message even if he did.

[577] You know what I mean?

[578] And there's a form of forgiveness in that.

[579] And it's also, it's all right to give each other a little break, you know, forgive each other.

[580] We're human.

[581] Stay tuned for more.

[582] Armchair expert, if you dare.

[583] What's up, guys?

[584] This your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[585] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[586] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[587] And I don't mean just friends.

[588] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[589] The list goes on.

[590] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[591] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[592] We've all been there, turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[593] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[594] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[595] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[596] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[597] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[598] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[599] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[600] I want to tell a couple of the fun ones.

[601] They're so funny.

[602] So Matthew's mom enrolled him or entered him into.

[603] to a, like, Little Mr. Texas.

[604] Oh, we need a picture of that.

[605] Oh, there's one in the book.

[606] He is the cutest motherfucker you've ever seen.

[607] I don't want to ruin it for you.

[608] So just tell us about Little Mr. Texas.

[609] Yeah, so we got on Banderer, Texas.

[610] I'm like eight years old.

[611] Oh, me, got my vest on, made out of a leather vest, tassels.

[612] I got my cowboy hat.

[613] I go down there to Bandera, Texas.

[614] And we get up there and we do the questionnaire, and we walk on a horse and stuff and go a lasso.

[615] And I'm pretty good at all.

[616] all these things and, you know, win the trophy.

[617] There's a framed picture of me with the trophy, and mom puts it up in the kit you want every morning.

[618] Look at you, son, there you are, Little Mr. Texas, the one and only.

[619] Little Mr. Texas.

[620] And so this going on daily, weekly, and then her introducing me, this is my son, you know he won Little Mr. Texas.

[621] He is Little Mr. Texas.

[622] Goes on, and now I'm just like, yeah, I'm Little Mr. Texas.

[623] Well, this goes on for, you know, Little Missed.

[624] Decades.

[625] He grew up thinking he was Little Mr. Texas.

[626] Okay.

[627] Well, I was, Little Mr. Texas.

[628] I was Little Mr. Texas.

[629] Until.

[630] Uh -oh.

[631] Uh -oh.

[632] Oh, no. I happened to zoom in on that trophy, name the plate on that trophy one day, just a couple years ago.

[633] Runner up.

[634] Oh, my God.

[635] Runner up.

[636] Look what's the gift she gave you.

[637] Yes.

[638] Oh, and she did.

[639] And to this day, I find, you know, called her out on it just here recently.

[640] She was like, ah, well, you were little Miss Texas.

[641] That's somebody.

[642] He and his family had too much money.

[643] They were able to buy that three -piece suit and shit for him.

[644] You're a little Miss Texas.

[645] She still denies it.

[646] In her mind, isn't that great?

[647] By the way, this just hit me now, but, you know, the greatest asset I was given and a big burden was my mom thought I was the second coming.

[648] She thought I shit gold.

[649] And that made me. I mean, that gave me way more confidence than I deserved.

[650] That was like the original BDE was mom thinking you were the shit.

[651] Yeah, what if you didn't become you because of, what if you just thought you were runner -up your whole life, you might not have become you.

[652] We're not talking.

[653] You know, I don't know.

[654] It's more than a malaprop.

[655] I mean, it's just.

[656] Little, no, that doesn't happen.

[657] We're at Guaro's, Matthews puts our enchiladas on the table.

[658] I'm like, that guy's pretty fucking handsome.

[659] I can't believe he's putting.

[660] I wonder what happens.

[661] I wonder who is really little Mr. Texas.

[662] We got to find out.

[663] He's out there.

[664] He'll come to surface.

[665] I want to do an investigative journalist piece on the real little Mr. Texas and just see how it all worked out.

[666] Yeah.

[667] What is he doing now?

[668] Oh, wow.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Because you know his mom didn't tell him he was runner up.

[671] No. And she probably didn't tell him that they outspent you either.

[672] That's true.

[673] He's probably having a horrible guilt chip about the whole thing since then.

[674] Okay.

[675] And then another great, like, really telling thing was, you know, Matthew's in seventh grade and there's like a poetry contest.

[676] Ah, yes.

[677] And he works his ass off on this poem, and then he reads it to mom, and then what does mom do?

[678] Yeah, I go back and write this poem that I'm pretty damn proud.

[679] I haven't showed to mom.

[680] She looks at it.

[681] She's like, yeah, it's not bad.

[682] Not bad.

[683] Go back to her room, try it some more.

[684] I go back to my room, work her hard for another two hours, come back, show it to her.

[685] She looks like, she goes, yeah, yeah, that's not bad.

[686] Here, have a look at this one.

[687] She pulls out this book, start your earmark, opens it up.

[688] She goes, read that one.

[689] I got this book, and I read it, and I go, If all that I would want to do would be to sit and talk to you, would you listen?

[690] It's good.

[691] She goes, you like that one?

[692] I go, yeah, I mean, that's really good, and it's short.

[693] The author was Anne, I think, Anne Ashbury, I think.

[694] She liked that, I go, yeah, like, she goes, do you understand it?

[695] I go, yeah, it's like, it's just, you know, it's like loving somebody.

[696] Sometimes you just want to, you know, you take some quiet time to talk.

[697] She goes, yes, you understand that.

[698] I go, yeah, I completely understand.

[699] She goes, write that.

[700] And I go, but it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a seventh grade poetry for contest and I got to write my, she goes, I know, but you understand that.

[701] I go, do you want me to write that and sign Anne Ashford?

[702] She goes, no. Listen, do you understand it for you?

[703] I said, yes, she goes, then you write that and sign your name to it.

[704] Oh, wow.

[705] So, so I write, why.

[706] Right.

[707] If all that I would want to be to sit and talk to you, would you listen, Matthew McCona and I fucking won that contest.

[708] Of course you did.

[709] Oh my God.

[710] What doc did we just watch?

[711] Where something like almost identical to that happen.

[712] We watched a doc recently.

[713] I don't remember.

[714] Oh, oh, oh.

[715] Oh, it was Lance Armstrong.

[716] It was Lance Armstrong because he was too young to compete in these triathlons.

[717] And so his parents just said, you're 18.

[718] You're 18.

[719] And so they started off with a little bit of a fit.

[720] and he fucking won those triathlons.

[721] And you're like, okay, so all right, that's informative.

[722] Yeah, right?

[723] You just start not on a very specific foot.

[724] Oh my God, yeah, that's exactly what it was.

[725] Mom was, she would be my substitute teacher.

[726] She tried to become the substitute teacher for my class.

[727] She also taught me in kindergarten.

[728] But she was the teacher that, mind you, we're, this is why we're sort of, in the chapter outlaw logic, we're like very, teach the real disciplines.

[729] if you've got to do this, you better to this, you better be honest, better to cheat, lie, dot, da, dot.

[730] But damn, man, I have mom as a substitute teacher.

[731] I come home, and she's like, here's the answer to that test tomorrow.

[732] It's a stupid, it's a stupid subject.

[733] And don't even read that book.

[734] She come in there and tell me, don't just shut that book.

[735] Quit studying.

[736] Here's the answer.

[737] It's a stupid subject, and you don't need to spend your time on it.

[738] Just take the answers and go make 100.

[739] I was like, you know, instead of being like, oh, it's harder because of my mom.

[740] I'm like, nah, this subject.

[741] I don't know why they're making you study this.

[742] Just shut that book.

[743] Don't say, here's the answers.

[744] But she was also, you know, in kindergarten, like, you know, they're studying trains.

[745] And she was like, what are we doing?

[746] Look at these damn books reading about it.

[747] Everybody, come on.

[748] Loaded up a bus, drove a bus to Amtrak, put all the kids on an Amtrak and, like, took it to Kerrville.

[749] Like, didn't even ask the principal, nobody.

[750] They landed back at like 8 p .m. that night.

[751] The local news is there.

[752] The parents are there.

[753] Where'd you take our kids?

[754] She's like, what?

[755] No teacher's assistant, nothing.

[756] Wrangled, like 20 -something kids.

[757] and just took them on the road.

[758] She's like, that's the best way you learn about a damn railroad track and a train.

[759] You go do it.

[760] You don't read about it.

[761] Okay.

[762] Okay, so then you, and I love how honest you are about it because you're just a charming motherfucker and you're handsome as hell.

[763] So you get to high school, this is a good one too.

[764] Do you mind that I'm going through all these?

[765] They're so fun.

[766] Go for it, man. Oh, okay, good.

[767] I mean, we could be talking about your whole acting career, but I think we know your acting career pretty good.

[768] This is more fun.

[769] Yeah, yeah.

[770] These are the stories of why I became an act.

[771] He's a good -looking dude.

[772] He's got some light, light acne.

[773] You know, a couple pimples.

[774] Sure, that's normal.

[775] But his mother is involved in, I guess we call now a multi -level marketing company where she's selling mink oil.

[776] At mink oil of mink.

[777] Yeah, oil of mink is a topical face solvent.

[778] So she notices that young Matthews struggling with a couple pimples and she says, son, you got to, you guys start using this product.

[779] It's revolutionary.

[780] So he starts applying it, liberally, I would assume.

[781] Yes, and religiously, I mean, right every night, right before bed, oil of meek, all over my face.

[782] Says it will bring out all the impurities.

[783] Okay.

[784] And then once it brings them out, they're gone.

[785] And then for the rest of your life, you have beautiful, clean, glowing skin.

[786] Sure.

[787] So worse before it gets better.

[788] Yes, yes.

[789] Darkest before dawn.

[790] Yep.

[791] And you're a fighter.

[792] You're willing to put in the work.

[793] You've already demonstrated that.

[794] I'm into delayed gratification.

[795] I'm up for early pain for long -term gain.

[796] Okay.

[797] So, as you might guess, the pimples are increasing in both volume and quantity.

[798] Got a lot of impurities in there, you keep it up.

[799] Oh, this is great stuff.

[800] Look at all these impurities servicing.

[801] Oh, my God.

[802] And they now become, I guess, cystic, right?

[803] Now you've got a real problem on your hands.

[804] I have a real problem.

[805] I'm kind of unrecognizable and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, you know, you're not, you got a real problem.

[806] And yeah.

[807] And so despite his mother's urging, he seeks counsel with an actual dermatologist who shits himself when he finds out Matthew's been rubbing oil of mink all over his face.

[808] Yeah, because it's for people for 40 years and over, not a 14 -year -old kid who's just going through adolescence who already has some oil coming through his pores.

[809] It's blocked all the pores completely.

[810] So for the last month, I've just swollen up and I have severe acne.

[811] and he says, if you don't get off of that and we don't get you on Accutane right now, you are 10 days away from having ice picks for the rest of your life.

[812] Oh.

[813] So I get on the Accutane.

[814] Yeah, yeah.

[815] So he gets on Accutane, and now we all know that has its own side effects.

[816] So I say very dry skin, cracking, all this kind of stuff.

[817] But here's my favorite part, because this is exactly what my dad would have done.

[818] His dad takes a look at this whole story, and he goes, we got a goddamn lawsuit on our hands.

[819] They ruin this beautiful boy's face.

[820] No, no, no, no. Yes.

[821] Yes, yes, yes.

[822] And the dad takes them to a lawyer.

[823] The lawyer says, I have to imagine you're in great emotional distress from this.

[824] And he's a bright boy.

[825] I look at clock the dad and dad's like, and I'm like, yes.

[826] High emotional distress.

[827] He had been doing well with the ladies.

[828] Now no one will talk to him.

[829] Of course.

[830] For a high schooler.

[831] Confidence is shot.

[832] Yeah.

[833] And he's now recording this and asking again, I'm going to go, Again, are you under, have you been under emotional distress?

[834] Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor's major emotional distress.

[835] Is your confidence down?

[836] All my confidence is much lower, sir.

[837] How are you doing with, like, girlfriends, and stuff?

[838] Well, the girls used to like me a lot more.

[839] It's like, they're just not interested anymore.

[840] It's actually people look at me funny when I walk around.

[841] I'm not doing near as good with the girls either.

[842] My dad and the lawyer sitting there and guys like, oh, shit, Jim, we're going to get 50 grand off of this deal easy.

[843] I mean, look at him.

[844] He's all slow up.

[845] Can't even recognize the kid.

[846] I mean, it doesn't say a damn thing on this bottle about not giving it to adolescent kid.

[847] It should have said that.

[848] This company's irresponsible.

[849] Oh, we got 50 grand, easy, all right?

[850] So I go through the acutane, creases them out, all this stuff, talk, you know, you get the dandruff, blah, blah, blah, but it works.

[851] As you know, in lawsuits, they go on a while.

[852] Well, about a year and a half later, now I'm a senior.

[853] The acutane's worked, skin's great.

[854] We're back.

[855] I get called in for the deposition now with the defense attorney.

[856] Right back in Jerry Harris's office, same office, where he's like, oh, 50 grand, you're all swollen up, look at you.

[857] So now I'm in there, and the guy across the table, he sits there, he goes, oh, my God, you poor, poor boy.

[858] Most so emotionally distressful, wasn't it?

[859] And I'm like, I can't believe he just used our term.

[860] He's slobbing me a softball.

[861] I'm going to hit this out of the park.

[862] I'm like, yes, heavy emotional distress, sir.

[863] My confidence was low.

[864] He's like, I bet it was.

[865] I bet you weren't doing near as well with the girls there.

[866] I was like, no, sir.

[867] I can't believe he asked me that question, too.

[868] I'm just, he's teeing me up.

[869] I'm like going, no, horrible.

[870] Girls wanted nothing to do with me. and he's, oh, and all that.

[871] Then you got that danger.

[872] I was like, yeah, it was horrible.

[873] And I'm sitting there thinking, this is the worst defense attorney in the world.

[874] He's just played all in my hands.

[875] We got this guy.

[876] We're going to get 50 grand or more.

[877] The reach on the table and pulls out this green yearbook.

[878] Opens it up.

[879] Turns it around, slides it in front of me, and goes, who's that?

[880] I look down, and there in this picture was myself next to a very pretty girl named Camisa Springs.

[881] Across her chest, she had a sash that said, most beautiful, across my chest.

[882] There was a sash that said, Most Handsome.

[883] Oh, wow.

[884] That year, I won Most Handsome.

[885] So all of a sudden it hits me, I'm like, Bob, we blew it, the case is done.

[886] And I looked up at him, and he goes, so emotionally distressedful.

[887] Huh.

[888] And it was like, it's over.

[889] And the case was thrown out on my dad been on.

[890] for a rigging a year going, God damn you, boy.

[891] I mean, I'm telling you, we got a case.

[892] We're going to make 50 grand, and you've got to go off and win goddamn most handsome.

[893] Damn it.

[894] Why didn't you sandbag that?

[895] We're an eye patch for a year.

[896] Jesus, huh?

[897] Yeah.

[898] That kind of brought me back to, so my dad, too, my dad was involved in many a lawsuit, and then another thing was he had all kinds of businesses, and one of them was, you couldn't call it selling it.

[899] It was under a charity guy, is a Hugs Not Drugs workbook that would be distributed to children to keep them off drugs.

[900] So when I was 15, he kind of wrangled me into this and he wanted me to start making calls to try to get donations from people.

[901] And if people donated, they got a little ad in the Hugs Not Drugs book, right?

[902] And it escalated to me actually going to like Rotary Club meetings at 15 and lying and telling these people that I had had a really bad history with drug abuse and that if I had had this Hugs Not Drugs book, I wouldn't have seen all those dark days.

[903] And your dad was in on this story?

[904] Oh, yeah, he helped me craft it.

[905] So I was touring Oakland County making these really impassioned speeches about how wayward I was and how I would have been saved if I had had this Hugs Not Drugs Workbook.

[906] And I crushed.

[907] I sold so many full -page ads.

[908] Matthew, that book never made it out.

[909] I think we sold a bunch of ads and I'm not sure that there was ever a distribution of the books.

[910] So how ironic, because now you can really tell us.

[911] It's very ironic, yeah.

[912] But I don't know that the Hugs Not Drugs book would have helped.

[913] I mean, I love that, yeah, I love how our parents, you know, used us to solicited us to like go, yeah, we're going to make, you to make some cash, son.

[914] Come on, no. Well, yeah, I grew up with a different kind of ethic, which is like by hook or crook, we got to get some money.

[915] Child labor, child labor.

[916] Oh, that's great.

[917] That reminded me the one where dad, my dad was out with a bunch of his friends.

[918] at a ranch, they were having, who could pee the highest contest?

[919] Yeah, let me break this down.

[920] Oh, yeah, this is news to me. Okay.

[921] So what they would do is they'd stand against the wall, then they put a little line over their head, and they had to pee over their own head, basically, when it was a shootout, yeah.

[922] And his dad was 6 '4, so that was an impressive height.

[923] For sure.

[924] That was the second tallest height, though.

[925] There was another guy there, a guy, Fred Smithers, who was about 6 -7.

[926] And so Dad had won the 6 -4.

[927] No one could pee over his head, but then nobody could obviously pee, no one could go higher up to 6 -7.

[928] They couldn't get that high.

[929] And they were like, Fred Smith's like, ain't nobody can piss over my head.

[930] And then my dad gets an idea because he's got his eye on this little miniature dirt bike in the corner.

[931] And he goes, my son can.

[932] And he goes, what?

[933] No way.

[934] And dad goes, yeah, he can.

[935] Well, dad had to drive 112 miles back home at whatever one in the morning to pick up my brother, Pat, wake him up out of bed.

[936] And of course, what are you doing your kid?

[937] And you wake up right in the middle of the night.

[938] You got to go pee.

[939] Dad's like, no, no, no, no, no. Come on.

[940] Hold on to it, son.

[941] Put him in the truck.

[942] Gave him a beer and said, Did you just sip on that and feel that bladder up?

[943] Well, 112 miles back, it's now about five in the morning.

[944] Oh, my God.

[945] Pat's in his underwear, and Dad shows up, and they're all kind of hanging out just until about to go to sleep.

[946] He says, get out, wake up, boys, here it is.

[947] My son's going to piss over your head, Fred Smithers.

[948] Fred steps up there, puts a mark, and Pat gets over there.

[949] Here's it by about five inches.

[950] Because what he had bet, what he had bet with Fred Smithers that I didn't add the story?

[951] He goes, I'll bet you that little motorbike that my son can do it.

[952] Why did he do that?

[953] Because Pat was asking for a motorbike for Christmas, but my dad couldn't afford it.

[954] So child labor, hook or crook.

[955] He loaded up the motorbike, took it home, Pat got a motorbike for Christmas.

[956] And he wagered his pickup truck.

[957] Yeah, it's like kind of sweet.

[958] Yeah, it's a mix.

[959] It's a mix.

[960] It's a mix of child abuse and super sweet.

[961] Yes, yes, yes, exactly.

[962] Wow, mixed messages.

[963] Okay, so you graduate from high school.

[964] Matthew's mother suggests that he go study abroad before he goes off to college.

[965] And so the Rotary Club says, yeah, we'll do this.

[966] We'll send you down to Australia.

[967] You can do a year in Australia.

[968] There's one thing.

[969] All these people we send want to come home in a couple months.

[970] They're lonely, whatever.

[971] They come home.

[972] So you got to sign a contract that says you are not leaving within that year.

[973] I'm not going to you.

[974] I'm telling you I'm going for the year.

[975] I'm not going to sign it.

[976] This feels weird to sign things.

[977] I'm going for years.

[978] Like, no, so I'm telling you.

[979] Everyone wants to come back.

[980] Everyone says they're going to go for the whole time.

[981] They all want to come back.

[982] So you need to sign this.

[983] Look, I'm not going to sign it, but I'll shake on it.

[984] I'm going for a year.

[985] That's my full intention.

[986] He agrees.

[987] So next thing I know, I'm on a plane, headed off to Australia.

[988] Really quick.

[989] Can I just say what your fantasy is of what's waiting now?

[990] Yeah, well, I'm picked Australia.

[991] They offered Australia in Sweden, all right?

[992] So I'm sitting there going, beaches, waves, Elle McPherson, English -speaking.

[993] Australia, it is.

[994] Good night.

[995] Here we go.

[996] Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, down under.

[997] How right.

[998] So, bam, I'm off, here we go.

[999] Now, I've got a family that's written that's going to be my host family.

[1000] And their note, oh, we're so glad to be having you.

[1001] Come over here, Matthew, we've got a great little spot here on the outskirts of Sydney.

[1002] It's beautiful.

[1003] We've got sunny beaches.

[1004] It's just great.

[1005] You're going to love it.

[1006] Wow, Sydney, Metropolis, major city.

[1007] All those, Elle McPherson's probably there somewhere.

[1008] Sure, you know.

[1009] We're going to surf.

[1010] Here we go, man. Well, I show up and get off the plane and this family.

[1011] You help me with what details not to do Because it's a 43 -minute story If I tell it full Okay, okay, okay The Dooley's meet him And how old's the boy?

[1012] They have a son, how old he?

[1013] He's about 26.

[1014] Okay, and they start driving.

[1015] My little brother.

[1016] Yeah, they're excited.

[1017] Oh, I bet.

[1018] It's his new little brother.

[1019] And they start driving, and all of a sudden, Matthew notices that the skyline of Sydney is pretty far in the rear of the mirror.

[1020] Okay.

[1021] But okay, I still see the beach.

[1022] then they get to another town, maybe it's 70 ,000.

[1023] He thinks this is it.

[1024] Nope, no, we still got a little while later.

[1025] Okay, well, this is getting a little dice here.

[1026] Now we're in a town of 12 ,000.

[1027] They've now said that's where they basically live.

[1028] And as they go through that town, he's thinking, okay, well, I can still see the beach.

[1029] And they go, well, it's a little bit further.

[1030] They end up in a town of 800 people completely inland, not by the beach, 305.

[1031] Population 305.

[1032] And these people are fucking.

[1033] They are fucking, dude.

[1034] It sounds like a horror movie.

[1035] It sounds like a horror movie.

[1036] The dad is tiny and rotund.

[1037] He wants to act posh and elevated and smart and he tells Matthew, you know, why don't you make us dinner?

[1038] And he says, great, I'm going to make you guys hamburgers.

[1039] And he goes, you know, I'm not going to make you hamburgers.

[1040] I'm going to make you cheeseburgers.

[1041] Because the man who invented the hamburger was smart, but the man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius.

[1042] The man immediately takes him to his office and he points to a picture of Winston Churchill, he says, Matthew, that man's a genius.

[1043] And he doesn't want you using that word.

[1044] I would like you to walk from now on in your duration of your stay here in our household.

[1045] You learn to appreciate fine wines, fine cheeses, and not to voice your opinion for the masses.

[1046] What?

[1047] Which part?

[1048] He goes a while ago, you stated, did not question, stated that the man invented the hamburger.

[1049] The man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius.

[1050] Matthew, that is merely your opinion.

[1051] And I went, oh, okay, cultural difference with me. It's just, it's a phrase.

[1052] Matthew, as I said, well, Mr. Duley, it's, look, it basically means I like cheeseburgers more than hamburger.

[1053] As I said.

[1054] Do you understand?

[1055] And I'm like, wow, what's going on?

[1056] Okay, yeah.

[1057] Well, quite a few other things happened after that that were.

[1058] It gets weirder and weirder, and let me say one of the things that's probably sensitive.

[1059] But the 26 -year -old boy also has a girlfriend.

[1060] Did she have a crush on me or did the mother kind of want us to have a crush on each other in front of their son who's 26 in front of everybody and got the whole family lined up one day, Saturday, and they're about to leave and I'm washing dishes and I get called in the room.

[1061] They go, give her a kiss goodbye.

[1062] Ew, God.

[1063] Give her a kiss on the lippies.

[1064] Ew!

[1065] I'm like, see, well, hold on, really quick.

[1066] Just two weeks ago, I was explaining to Monica that in New Zealand and in Australia, they love baby talk.

[1067] So Kissies, I just was excited.

[1068] You're now kind of confirming.

[1069] They love to do it ease at the end of things.

[1070] Yeah, yeah.

[1071] So, you know, and this was in the room with her and her boyfriend, my, your brother.

[1072] Their son.

[1073] My big brother.

[1074] And it was just, it was, it was off, it was rude.

[1075] I'm confused.

[1076] What's going on?

[1077] Does she have a crush on me or wait?

[1078] Is the mother trying to set up a situation here?

[1079] Is this just a bad joke going wrong, whatever.

[1080] Anyway, I handled the situation in as cool a way as I could with myself and her and she thanked me for it and now I was okay.

[1081] But again, I was like, what was that?

[1082] What was that?

[1083] All this time, I'm telling myself after everyone in these situations, okay, McCona, it's culture differences.

[1084] This is cultural differences.

[1085] So I keep taking the high road.

[1086] I'm not judging anyone.

[1087] Until the night came, this is about five months in, over dinner, 5 .30, where we had dinner every night.

[1088] Now, mind you by this time, I don't think I'm going insane, but when I look back, my diaries, I was kind of going insane.

[1089] And let me just say, this is the part I really related to you with, because my year in Santa Barbara, I just up and said, oh, I'm going to be fat -free.

[1090] And I just started jogging.

[1091] And I don't know why I got down to like 158.

[1092] I'm 6 '3.

[1093] I looked insane.

[1094] Like, I was so out of control that I just wanted to control whatever I could.

[1095] Something, some sort of reachable discipline to accomplish a day to keep your fucking sanity.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] I'm running six miles a day.

[1099] I've decided I'm going to be vegetarian.

[1100] I don't know how to be vegetarian.

[1101] So I basically eat a head of iceberg lettuce a night.

[1102] I get a knife of fork, a head of iceberg lettuce, and a bottle of ketchup.

[1103] We're going to go on that high store legacy?

[1104] And that's my deal.

[1105] I'm celibate.

[1106] I'm celibate.

[1107] I've decided to know that when I leave this year here, I need to go to South Africa and help free Mandela.

[1108] That's my calling.

[1109] And then after that, I'll become a monk.

[1110] Even though you went there for Elle McPherson.

[1111] So things really took turn.

[1112] El McPherson is way in the rearview mirror.

[1113] right now.

[1114] Yeah, you were going to be Foster, Surfboards, and McPherson, and now you're going to Tibet.

[1115] Wow.

[1116] The first letter back home was, hey, mom, dad, throwing some shrimps on the Barbie.

[1117] Love you, Matthew.

[1118] Now I'm writing like 16 -page letters in this very minute writing with way too many ads that is an adverb.

[1119] Just imploding, right?

[1120] I don't notice it.

[1121] And I've got two albums, three albums I'll listen.

[1122] MaxiPreece, Maxi -Preece, in excess, kick, and a YouTube's Rattel and Rum.

[1123] Rattel and Hum, one of the great albums of all time.

[1124] First CD I ever owned.

[1125] Really?

[1126] Damn good choice.

[1127] Good choice.

[1128] So here's my ritual every night.

[1129] Now mind you, this is still when I don't think anything's wrong.

[1130] We eat dinner at 5, 5 .30, I clean with the dishes.

[1131] Then I, as fast as I can, get back to my bedroom and bathroom.

[1132] I'm reading a lot of Lord Byron.

[1133] I get the bathtub nightly.

[1134] Read Lord Byron, listen to my rattle hum, jackoff.

[1135] Nightly ritual.

[1136] Have a yank.

[1137] Work it out.

[1138] But hey, everything's cool.

[1139] I'm nothing wrong.

[1140] Oh, my God.

[1141] Yeah, yeah, you're thriving, right, and sweat.

[1142] I'm doing great.

[1143] I'm in the honeyhole.

[1144] You are opening up your cultural horizon infinitely.

[1145] You went down there to get worldly, and your fucking world became a pinprick.

[1146] Oh, my gosh, extreme close up.

[1147] So I think I'm fine, cultural differences.

[1148] Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm not even halfway through this year a trip.

[1149] And one night I get this, the dinner's neighbor.

[1150] Matthew, we've decided that for the generation of, have you stayed here in Australia, you will refer to us as mom and pop.

[1151] Isn't this a horror?

[1152] This is a horror movie.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] But again, I take the high road.

[1155] And I go, well, thank you for thinking of me that way.

[1156] And I remember, you love this text.

[1157] I remember saying this line.

[1158] And I remember it's clearly in my mind, like, thinking I needed to give that comment some more context.

[1159] I go, thank you for thinking of that way, but I've got a mom and dad.

[1160] And they're still alive.

[1161] I remember throwing that little, like, if I just throw that one in, that'll win the argument.

[1162] They'll understand if I say, and they're still alive.

[1163] Yes.

[1164] Yeah, like, oh, and by the way, now you understand, right?

[1165] Anyway, and anyway, they'd as I said, for the duration of your story, you've tried to his mom and pop.

[1166] Well, I got to clean the dishes, made sure to go call everyone their name, not mom and pop, when I said good night.

[1167] And the next morning, my alarm clock was a howling, shrieking voice of Mrs. Dooley screaming, Hey, you are cool.

[1168] Can you believe this?

[1169] Oh my God, this is so horrifying.

[1170] I go, you know, to her, and I mean, I really liked her.

[1171] She was a really caring lady, and I go to her and put my arm around her, and then we just have a cry fest, and I'm going, man, you got your sons.

[1172] You wouldn't want them calling anyone, mom, and that.

[1173] You wouldn't want me, and we cried it out and hugged it out.

[1174] You're 18 and you're comforting an adult.

[1175] Yes.

[1176] Anyway, went through the year.

[1177] finally got the person to run.

[1178] Real quick.

[1179] He eventually, thank God, went to the Rotary Club, I assume, and said, I'd like to try another thing.

[1180] Not because I don't love it, but I just want to have as many experiences as I can.

[1181] I didn't sell them under the bus or anything.

[1182] And I just said, look, I'd love to, is there any other families that could take me in?

[1183] I mean, I got a year here, could I, maybe, fake, you know?

[1184] And it was tough times over there.

[1185] The economy wasn't great.

[1186] You're taking another exchange student.

[1187] You got another mouth to feed.

[1188] Let me check into it.

[1189] Well, the guy who had managed the bank that I worked at earlier as a work experience job, agreed, I liked it, his family liked me, I liked them.

[1190] They took me in.

[1191] Hold out, hold out, hold out.

[1192] There's one great thing.

[1193] So he gets cleared to leave, and then he tells his host family the Dooley's that he's going to leave.

[1194] Yeah, how is that going out?

[1195] And they just basically ignore it for a day or two.

[1196] They don't bring it up.

[1197] Ignore it for four days.

[1198] So this comes up.

[1199] We agree on this that I'm going to move out.

[1200] Mr. Dooley agrees, me, Mr. Dooley.

[1201] the president of the road who talked.

[1202] It's brought up in the Thursday night rotary meeting on a microphone in front of everybody.

[1203] Shane and Matthews is going to be leaving the Dooley, he's going to move over with the Toonsot.

[1204] And everyone, hey, here.

[1205] And thank you to the Dooley's for paying such great hosts.

[1206] Yay, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[1207] And thank you to the so -and -so's for taking Matthew next interview.

[1208] Now, then we meet afterwards, hug out, shake hands.

[1209] See you Tuesday.

[1210] The guy who's going to pick me up that I worked with at the bank.

[1211] It's going to pick me up Tuesday at 6 p .m. Great.

[1212] All set.

[1213] Then I ride home with Mr. Julie.

[1214] Not a word is said about me, leave you.

[1215] We get home.

[1216] Next day, not a word said.

[1217] Dinner, silence the next day.

[1218] Not a word said.

[1219] The family knows now, but not a word said.

[1220] The next day, that was Thursday.

[1221] So Friday nothing said.

[1222] Saturday, nothing said.

[1223] No group over for the family to come over for a goodbye dinner for our exchange student, Matthew, no, no, no, no that.

[1224] No one's there, just our family.

[1225] 5 .30 dinner, nothing said.

[1226] Sunday, again, nothing said.

[1227] Monday, not a word is.

[1228] said, it's just silence.

[1229] I'm getting a silent treatment.

[1230] And not one word of, oh, you're leaving.

[1231] Tuesday night is come up.

[1232] Tuesday, we're at dinner.

[1233] Find my final sit down with the doolies.

[1234] I've got my iceberg lettuce and my catch -up.

[1235] I'm talking, here we go.

[1236] I've been packed since last Thursday night.

[1237] Now, I packed up that night when I got on once we agreed.

[1238] And I'm sitting and going, this is so weird.

[1239] This is so weird.

[1240] I go back to my room after we eat.

[1241] It's about 5 .45.

[1242] I've cleaned up.

[1243] I'm quadruple checking my bags, man. Make sure I got everything, which I do.

[1244] And all of a sudden, I get a knock on the door.

[1245] Open in.

[1246] There's Mr. Dooley.

[1247] Hi there.

[1248] We have decided that the duration of your stay, you'll be staying with us.

[1249] So unpack your bags.

[1250] You'll be staying with us for the duration of you stay in Australia.

[1251] Again, I take the high road.

[1252] Mr. Dealey, thank you for, well, for offering your home and your family.

[1253] Y 'all've been great.

[1254] And, you know, it's my year over here.

[1255] I just want to be.

[1256] I just want to be a lot.

[1257] I just to make sure I get with other families, I have a different experience.

[1258] Oh, oh, oh, I...

[1259] As I said, I'm packing bags.

[1260] You'll be staying with us for the duration of you stay here in Australia.

[1261] Well, I fucking lost it.

[1262] I threw a left hook through the door, and it was a plywood door.

[1263] I remember my arm going all the way through the other side, and I ripped it out, and the plywood had cut my arm all up, and I had blood running all down and wood shards and shit here.

[1264] And I'm just fucking shaking.

[1265] Probably got a piss spot just started on my crotch.

[1266] And I sat there and I said, Mr. Dooley, you get your...

[1267] that fucking ass out of my way right now or I'm gonna take you out the fucking back door and drag you down your gravel driveway and you're gonna be pulling fucking rocks out of your back for the rest of your fucking life.

[1268] Turned around and scamp it off down the hallway and I'm going, what the fuck, man?

[1269] Oh, he found your breaking point.

[1270] Congratulations.

[1271] I found a break point.

[1272] I'm wiping sweat off my brow, go clean up my arm, pull the shards out, going what's going on all about it in the news, beep, beep, beep.

[1273] I look at six o 'clock.

[1274] Guess who's here?

[1275] to pick me up.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] My next family.

[1278] I get my fucking bags.

[1279] I go down the hallway, past that office where he took me to tell me you talk to Winston Churchill and down through the living room, out the kitchen, through the garage, into the, and there's my man Maco, who's there to pick me up in his land cruiser.

[1280] And around him, glad handing and hugging and drying tears is the Dooley family.

[1281] Oh, my God.

[1282] Is it?

[1283] And I roll my bags up and they help put them in and they're like, oh, you're such a great young lad.

[1284] Oh, God, Jesus.

[1285] Experience has been great.

[1286] We're going to miss you so much.

[1287] And I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah, y 'all too, man. You know what's going on?

[1288] And even Mr. Dooley's drying a tear, man. Oh, wow.

[1289] Oh, man, we're going to miss you.

[1290] Man. I get in the car we drive off.

[1291] They sit at the top of driveway, wave all the way to her back on the highway.

[1292] And I'm like, what the fuck?

[1293] Now, cut to five months later.

[1294] It's my last night in Australia.

[1295] The last five months were much easier.

[1296] And less acid trippy?

[1297] Yeah.

[1298] Less twilight.

[1299] I never found L, but still, you know.

[1300] So everything went well.

[1301] I still maintained being celibate, actually, and came off the old iceberg lettuce and ketchup diet a little bit and ran three miles instead of six, put on a little bit of weight, and still thought I might be going to South Africa to help free Mandela, but thought that maybe a monk wasn't my way in life because I wanted to communicate and like people again.

[1302] Yeah.

[1303] So we're around the last night doing what we always did, drinking port wine, playing guitar, reading Woody Allen's side effects.

[1304] laughing our ass off, telling the stories.

[1305] And all of a sudden, one of the families that I had stayed with, they were all friends.

[1306] The last three families I stayed was all friends.

[1307] One of them goes, hey, Maca, how in the bloody hell do you stay with the doleys hell?

[1308] I was like, what are you talking about?

[1309] What?

[1310] He's like, oh, yeah, man. They're out of my man. How'd you do that?

[1311] I'm like, what?

[1312] They start laughing.

[1313] I'm aghast going, you fucking, you knew?

[1314] Yeah.

[1315] And they laugh even harder.

[1316] Now we're all rolling around, and I start laughing.

[1317] And I was like, was this a big Aussie prank?

[1318] Was this a six -month bit?

[1319] Wow.

[1320] I say it in the book.

[1321] I mean, was I in a crisis?

[1322] Sure.

[1323] But I was denying there was a crisis.

[1324] And there's great value in that.

[1325] I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you right now if I didn't have that year in that six months with those duties.

[1326] I was in high school, rolling, you know, popular.

[1327] I had money in my pocket of four handicapped.

[1328] Little Mr. Texas.

[1329] Little Mr. Texas.

[1330] You still think you're little Mr. Texas.

[1331] Still thinking of Little Mr. Texas, right?

[1332] And then all of a sudden, I run into a great amount of resistance and am forced to go inward because I have no crutches, I have no friends, I have no cars, I've got no girlfriends, I got nothing, nothing.

[1333] And I'm there at the dulae's imploding.

[1334] But it was good overall, and I honestly know that I would not be sitting here now if I did not have that year over there.

[1335] Yeah, yeah.

[1336] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[1337] Now I just want to touch down on a couple things, which is you more than anyone in a very applaudable way, you've jagged left, you've jagged right, I think you've evaluated and you're like, this was good.

[1338] Now I'm going to take a completely different mountain.

[1339] I see that peak.

[1340] I'm going to try to climb that.

[1341] I just wonder, yeah, what is it that you learned there that has allowed you to go from my favorite performance?

[1342] Malbatos is packing a 454, 411 out back.

[1343] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1344] You know, to take that role and make it what a it was and then have this, you know, time to kill experience and then being a ton of hugely successful romantic comedies and then go like, okay, now I want to do something else.

[1345] Those are all hard things to pop out of and pop into other things.

[1346] And so you have some resilience.

[1347] And I'm curious, what is the process?

[1348] And more importantly, in those periods just before you made these left or right turns, were you feeling humbled by it or were you feeling scared?

[1349] Like, what were those feelings that led up to those big jags.

[1350] A lot of fear, but a lot of sleepless nights not sleeping well with the life that I was, what I was doing, say work -wise or where I was heading.

[1351] So a lot of fear from that.

[1352] Because I go between, I'm sure like you, man. I mean, on one hand, I'm so damn thankful to be in this position.

[1353] So on one hand, I'm going like, who the hell do you think you are to even be thinking like, oh, I want to get out of this.

[1354] You're successful at what you do.

[1355] You're making money.

[1356] Look at where you live.

[1357] So on one hand, I'm that.

[1358] On the other hand, I'm like, well, no, no, no, wait a minute.

[1359] I still respect that.

[1360] I'm not being disrespectful to where I am.

[1361] Right.

[1362] You're not being ungrateful.

[1363] No, right?

[1364] I'm not going to be arrogant with it, but I know I want something different and I want to try and get it.

[1365] And either I can go to it or like I did before, I took the two -year hiatus with no work when I got off for romantic comedies.

[1366] If I can't get what I'm going toward, I'm going to, by process of elimination, stop doing what it is that I am doing.

[1367] and what is coming to me. So I've had phases where I didn't rebrand.

[1368] I unbranded by just going, I'm pressing full stop.

[1369] And I'm out, no one sees me. No one knows where the hell I am.

[1370] So all of a sudden, two years later, McConaughey becomes a good idea, a new good idea.

[1371] I've been pretty good when I look back saying, I got to get the hell out of here because I got to hear myself think.

[1372] I don't know who's wagging who.

[1373] Whatever happens, I don't care if I fail at this career.

[1374] I need to be wagging the dog and not the tail wagging me. Yeah.

[1375] It's almost like the analysis of when the leave a party, right?

[1376] You're like, okay, that person's out of the party, that person's out of the party, I'm still standing here, huh?

[1377] It's either time for me to find a new party, or I'm going to be the last one standing here.

[1378] Yeah, well, and the hard part for me probably in particular is that my greatest strength is resilience, and I can look around at those people at the party and going, why they quit so soon?

[1379] So I'll stick with something, you know, and go, I'm going to, so sometimes it's bowling through to the other side, just persisting and enduring.

[1380] I'm going to keep my head above water until I come out the other side, and things will change for me. Sometimes, times it's like, no, I'm going to back up.

[1381] I'm going to readdress this.

[1382] I'm going to pivot, make a different decision.

[1383] And there will be consequences that come with that and consequences that come with the persistence part too.

[1384] I think as much as I acting my celebrity, this never for one second inside of me been like, oh, that's who you are.

[1385] Oh, that's your identity.

[1386] That's your existence.

[1387] That's what I mean when I say where just keep living comes from.

[1388] I mean, that's our right as humans first.

[1389] Maybe it's the spiritual side.

[1390] Maybe it's a family.

[1391] side, maybe it's self -respect side of going, hey, are you being as true as you can to you right now, McCona.

[1392] Okay, so what I really relate to is like, I'm from a family of hustlers.

[1393] My dad was a car salesman.

[1394] My mom started as a jander, built a business.

[1395] Like, I'm all about the hustle.

[1396] So yes, I've been in these moments where I'm like, you got a much nicer house than you were ever supposed to have.

[1397] You got the cars you weren't supposed to have.

[1398] So shut the fuck up.

[1399] But then I also am addicted to challenges.

[1400] You know, that's really what I'm addicted to is I like that.

[1401] That's the soul feeder is the, can I do that?

[1402] That's it.

[1403] Right.

[1404] And let me go try it out.

[1405] And then I'll know if it doesn't work, I can look in the mirror and go, yep, guilty.

[1406] If it does work, I can also look in the mirror and go, yep, guilty.

[1407] That's a great feeling.

[1408] It's the unknown.

[1409] When you're being wagged, you're like, how did I end up here?

[1410] I'm not feeling any demarcation between events.

[1411] It all feels like one thing and my feet aren't really on the ground.

[1412] That limbo.

[1413] It is a gilded cage, right?

[1414] So what you're getting offered in that point and time, is very hard to turn down if you have the background that you had or that I had, which is like, who the fuck am I to say no to that many zeros?

[1415] My family said that to me. Not Camilla, but my blood family.

[1416] Yeah, and if I do, will I ever get those amount of zeros thrown my way?

[1417] Because while I've been seen as ungrateful and all these things, and did I jinx myself?

[1418] Did I get cocky?

[1419] Why did I jackknife my situation?

[1420] It was going well.

[1421] So everyone out on the outside, I go, you are catching green lights.

[1422] But then that's for each of us to, only each of us can answer what our own personal green light is, you know.

[1423] Would I be right from the outside to say that it's kind of Wolf a Wall Street, that's the breakthrough, to where you wanted to go creatively as an actor?

[1424] Well, the first thing that came through is 20 months of dry.

[1425] No offers came through nothing.

[1426] First, it was just romantic comedies that said no to, and then it was just nothing for a year.

[1427] And then the first thing that came my way was I think Killer Joe, maybe it was Lincoln Lower, I think it was that little run, Killer Joe, Paperboy, Magic, Mike, Mud, Wolfo Wall Street, then Dall Spires Club, which I had control of the Al Spires Club, just no one to make it with me. Yeah.

[1428] And then it was a run there of like, oh, there's the dramatic fare that I want.

[1429] I talk about it in the book.

[1430] I mean, the romantic comedies were great.

[1431] They were fun.

[1432] It just got to where I felt like, oh, I'd read them, and I'd go like, oh, I could do this tomorrow morning.

[1433] And that's cool.

[1434] I don't know if I wasn't getting complacent, but I was just warning.

[1435] I didn't know how to do any more real work.

[1436] that would make me go, oh, oh, oh.

[1437] And that's the theory I've got in the book about the art of running downhill.

[1438] There's a lot of times where when it's easy, we should be damn appreciative if it's easy and go, do not make this straight line crooked, bro.

[1439] You're rolling downhill.

[1440] Do not trip yourself in faceplant.

[1441] And you're also making a living doing this and you enjoy it.

[1442] Don't get all heady on this situation.

[1443] There's other times where we go, I need a little resistant here.

[1444] I need some gravity here.

[1445] I need to run up against something so I can mold something different of myself.

[1446] So it's a fun one to measure in many, many different circumstances.

[1447] Well, I think I told you when we were sitting by that lake, mud for me is, that's probably my favorite movie for years.

[1448] There's something about it.

[1449] I think from where I grew up and there's a badlands kind of vibe to it, it's so great.

[1450] Everything's so patient, understated, real, no hurry.

[1451] It's so awesome.

[1452] That's a very special film to me. Probably, I know it's one of my favorite, maybe my favorite, because, you know, my dad's been, been, he moved on in 93, five days after I started my first role in Days Confused, which was kind of serendipitous, that his life overlapped with me starting the first thing that would not, that would be more than a hobby.

[1453] Yeah.

[1454] But Mud, I've always seen my dad, and I see him when I daydream many times coming to me and going, hey, buddy, you see in this movie, Mud?

[1455] McNusory's got, oh, come on, we're going to, we're going to watch tonight.

[1456] It's a good one.

[1457] Yeah.

[1458] I can just hear him with his arm around me saying, oh, it's a good one.

[1459] Yeah.

[1460] And that, that gives me tingles.

[1461] different from different times.

[1462] Everything about it, I'm like, yep, this is where I'm supposed to be at all times.

[1463] It's the people there.

[1464] It is that mix.

[1465] It's the blueberry and the tomato soup of Texas.

[1466] That freedom in progress, progressive thinking that Austin has, next to the backbone being the capital, traditional legislation, and surrounded by a vertebrae of red counties, is part of what makes it beautiful.

[1467] If it was surrounded by more blue, I don't know that Austin would be the place it is.

[1468] You're right.

[1469] There is a unity there.

[1470] And at the same time, it's a come one, come all.

[1471] All you've got to do is be yourself, place.

[1472] It's not saying stay out, Red Counties.

[1473] It's going, no. We're still wearing boots and scraping shit off our boots in Austin, too.

[1474] You know what I mean?

[1475] So it's a great push pull with the university.

[1476] So you've got 50 ,000 students right here at an institution which has youth coming up, liberal arts, questioning things, progress, and across the street.

[1477] you've got the Capitol, and there's the suits and ties and the backbone of a legislation that has been around for a long time tradition.

[1478] And where those two reach out and engage and play is the honeyhole.

[1479] You know what I mean?

[1480] That push -pull.

[1481] If the Capitol wasn't there and we weren't surrounded by the resists, our identity could sort of pander out and become a little too obtuse.

[1482] You know what I mean?

[1483] Yeah.

[1484] Yeah.

[1485] Yeah.

[1486] No, it's a weird, wonderful yin -yang that is just palpable when you get there.

[1487] My last question for you.

[1488] So I have many times on here expressed deep gratitude that I don't have sons.

[1489] I am so glad that I don't have to be in the position where I tell the son, listen, you're just going to have to knock that motherfucker out.

[1490] I'm sorry, you're getting picked on, you can get picked on the next eight years or you can blast this dude once in the nose and that'll be that.

[1491] I don't want to be a part of that cycle.

[1492] And yet I don't know what other vice I could give.

[1493] also don't want to fight my son when he's 18.

[1494] Like I'm so informed by my childhood that I don't know how I would transition into this world.

[1495] I certainly want my kids to live in.

[1496] So I just wonder with you having boys, how have you set that course?

[1497] Great question because I'm in process on that obviously.

[1498] My son's are 12, the one that came in and brought me, the yogurt man to go seven.

[1499] And then they have a sister in the middle.

[1500] I would say that is one way right there.

[1501] They have a sister in the middle.

[1502] In some form of fashion boys, you're going to be younger, Livingston, you're going to be older, Levi, and you're going to be in the same school a lot of times.

[1503] You'll look out for your sister in whatever fashion that.

[1504] She's your sister.

[1505] Now, you've got to look out for each other as well and yourselves, but that's your sister.

[1506] Look out for her.

[1507] And you're going to know the boys that like your sister.

[1508] Now, you be real honest.

[1509] Do you condone?

[1510] Do you approve?

[1511] Because we're going to go to you.

[1512] When your sister gets first date, I'm going to go to you.

[1513] You know, you know that boy.

[1514] Is he a good young man?

[1515] Is he worthy of taking your sister out?

[1516] So giving him a sense of that is one, you know, I've got one child that is very much a pacifist that he's going to turn the other, wants to turn the cheek every time.

[1517] With him, I have to lean him with going, hey, that's beautiful.

[1518] At the same time, people will try and take advantage of that and will sit there and keep pushing it if you don't stand up for yourself and fight back.

[1519] And so there will come a time probably on that proverbial playground that you can have sent him to physically do something, or I've said this, and it's happened before, You know what your answer is to that kid on the soccer field that's picking on you?

[1520] You go down right now and score on his ass.

[1521] And just when you go by, don't gloat.

[1522] Or you go guard him.

[1523] Tell your coach you want to guard him.

[1524] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1525] And then beat him.

[1526] And then beat him.

[1527] And don't say a word.

[1528] Do that as your version.

[1529] The other child is much more physical.

[1530] And if him, he's more the one I'm going on like going, you don't have to hit everybody.

[1531] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1532] You know what I mean?

[1533] You can talk some of these out too.

[1534] Yeah, you can.

[1535] But you can, and he's by no means a brute or a bully, but he's much more physically confident and would be the one that would much more quickly go, oh, yeah?

[1536] Yeah, and you see him work it out between themselves a lot, too, though, especially in these COVID times where we're not on the playground with everyone in the school physically.

[1537] You see them work it out.

[1538] I mean, our youngest one has tested our oldest one because he's actually more physical and will come out you harder.

[1539] And the oldest one is faster, though, and a little smarter at things.

[1540] And I've talked to him, like, all right, if you don't want to engage with Livingston on the physical side, just outwitted.

[1541] Yeah, judo win.

[1542] You know, and so just tee it up to where you're tricking.

[1543] And he'll be like, oh, how did you get the last piece of cake?

[1544] I thought I said, because I knew where to put it or whatever that is.

[1545] So, I mean, I'm still navigating year by year, day by day with them.

[1546] And as I'm told, it's about to get all more complicated because those teens come up.

[1547] And we'll see.

[1548] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1549] Yeah, well, you got to get that oil of mink out.

[1550] Oil of mink out, baby.

[1551] Start conditioning that skin.

[1552] Get it glowing.

[1553] Well, that's, you know, another big question here, and you know this, man, and being in the affluent positions we're in, coming from similar backgrounds where we had different resistance and given to us in different ways, from where we live to what we drive, to how we were raised, disciplined, everything else.

[1554] How do we give our children the right amount of resistance to be autonomous individuals?

[1555] because if we're saying yes all the time and going, yeah, just use all this influence.

[1556] It's who we are.

[1557] It's how life is.

[1558] Yeah.

[1559] We're doing them a disservice.

[1560] I know.

[1561] I think about it all the time.

[1562] I'm like, I look at my kids.

[1563] I go, they got a goddamn swimming pool in their backyard.

[1564] I knew one kid in my town with a swimming pool.

[1565] Yeah, how can you tell me, what do you mean you're bored?

[1566] You're bored?

[1567] Well, that's good.

[1568] Now, go figure it out and you're not turning on the tube.

[1569] You know, whatever that is.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] I also think, like, oh, my God, like, I grew up somewhere where I wanted to go.

[1572] somewhere.

[1573] There was a Shangri -La and I wanted to visit, but they're already here, so I'm like, I don't know where are they going to want to go.

[1574] You know, it's all interesting.

[1575] And at the same time, we want our children to own de affluence that we have.

[1576] Don't do any false modesty.

[1577] Like, no, my dad and mom aren't.

[1578] They're not.

[1579] No, yes, we are.

[1580] Keep your chin eye.

[1581] You know, and someone says, oh, I bet you live in big eyes.

[1582] So don't get shy and go, oh, don't feel guilty about this.

[1583] Own it.

[1584] Yeah, and acknowledge your privilege and know that you've got a responsibility to help people.

[1585] Yep.

[1586] Yep.

[1587] You know, I had a responsibility to try to go get all this shit.

[1588] Now you've got a responsibility to help other people who don't have the shit.

[1589] Yep.

[1590] And take it up a notch in another way.

[1591] But what do you know, we talk about this until a lot of time in our family.

[1592] We all want relevance, but we need to ask ourselves, first, relevant for what?

[1593] You know, and what's America say success is right now?

[1594] Well, generally, fame and money.

[1595] Sure.

[1596] Well, that value system's a little out of place.

[1597] We try to talk to kids.

[1598] It's not about the bigger thing is better always.

[1599] You know, I have that thing in the book about when you can ask yourself if you want to before you do.

[1600] Yeah.

[1601] You know, you get all these things.

[1602] You and I grew up in ways where if you get offered something, you go, yeah, I mean, shoot, I never had a option before.

[1603] And then you have to go, wait a minute, do I really like my jeans pressed?

[1604] No, I don't.

[1605] And also, I'm sure you've had the same experience I did, which is like, okay, I got all these things I thought were going to magically make me feel a certain way.

[1606] And then I had those things and said, oh, no, I still need purpose.

[1607] I haven't given myself purpose.

[1608] Me fucking saying lines in front of a camera ain't purpose.

[1609] Right, right.

[1610] And I think that's the ongoing thing.

[1611] You know, I mean, I've got that Langston Hughes poem, America yet, has really been sticking in my mind with so much about, not just for America, for the world, for each of us individually, to realize that we never arrive.

[1612] Right.

[1613] But if we just stay in the race and commit to the chase and go, Ah, well, I mean, we're trying to achieve the unachievable.

[1614] And so just keep trying it to stay on the adventure of it.

[1615] And that's when, if you're a believer, that's where I think God's going, there we go.

[1616] Yeah, I think a lot of the general anxiety is a fantasy that we will achieve this utopia and then we will build a wall around it.

[1617] But that is not how this is all working.

[1618] Every single generation after us is going to want to take it somewhere else.

[1619] And that's the given.

[1620] Yes.

[1621] Indeed.

[1622] You're awesome.

[1623] Your fucking book is so well written and so.

[1624] fun to read.

[1625] I cannot wait to finish it because I got to find out about the peyote and the cave.

[1626] Is there an audio version?

[1627] Yeah, I did and I do the audio version too.

[1628] Oh, that's great.

[1629] I read it.

[1630] I'd perform a lot of those characters we were talking about.

[1631] Oh, that's awesome.

[1632] When is that out?

[1633] The audio version.

[1634] I think the same day, October 20th.

[1635] October 20th.

[1636] Okay.

[1637] Oh, this is great.

[1638] Oh, if I could hear you telling these stories I just read.

[1639] Yeah, it was fun to do the audio too.

[1640] But thanks for talking about it, man. I quite enjoyed talking to you.

[1641] And it's been too long since we sat around that lake and said we were going to do it.

[1642] And here we are.

[1643] And next time maybe we'll do it in person.

[1644] Yeah, can't wait.

[1645] You're wonderful.

[1646] We do have rhythm.

[1647] I was right.

[1648] And I can't wait to see you again next.

[1649] I look forward to seeing you too.

[1650] All right.

[1651] Be good, man. Bye, man. Amen.

[1652] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1653] Here we go.

[1654] It is fact check.

[1655] Fact check time at the Apollo.

[1656] I don't know that song.

[1657] That's not a song.

[1658] I just put together a bunch of words and they barely went together.

[1659] I thought it was the song that you love from Lawson Translation.

[1660] Oh, midnight at the oases.

[1661] Oh.

[1662] Put your camel to bed.

[1663] That one?

[1664] Yeah.

[1665] Oh, my God.

[1666] That's the one.

[1667] It gives me the worst feelings.

[1668] Icky's.

[1669] Really icky feelings.

[1670] Because I think the woman was staring into Bill Murray's eyes where she sang that, quote, sexy song and it just wasn't sexy.

[1671] Yeah, owie.

[1672] Boy, taking a big swing on being sexy is scary.

[1673] I know, but also like necessary, right?

[1674] You gotta do it, you gotta do it, but you gotta figure out what is sexy and what is just too perverse.

[1675] Well, sexy is authentic.

[1676] How about this?

[1677] Know your fucking audience.

[1678] Well, yeah, authentic is a great, thank you.

[1679] That's probably the key.

[1680] Yeah, because if she was trying to be sexy, that's what's cringy.

[1681] Yeah, that's the rough part.

[1682] Yep.

[1683] Also, again, now on to step two, which is less important, know your audience.

[1684] Agreed.

[1685] But if it's a stranger, in that case, it was a stranger, you can't know your audience.

[1686] Well, how about this?

[1687] You go, you go, midnight at you.

[1688] I'm just kidding.

[1689] Can you imagine?

[1690] Like, you would see pretty quickly.

[1691] And then you just try to play it off like it was a joke.

[1692] Okay.

[1693] I'm down with that.

[1694] But then what if that guy, the audience, actually hates jokes.

[1695] And so then you have to do, so take three, okay?

[1696] Okay.

[1697] Midnight at the O .A. Bad look.

[1698] I'm just kidding.

[1699] Can you imagine?

[1700] And can you imagine if I make jokes all the time?

[1701] That would be the worst.

[1702] I hate jokes.

[1703] Let's fuck.

[1704] Okay.

[1705] You handled that well.

[1706] Did I steer back?

[1707] Yeah.

[1708] This is a parallel park.

[1709] Parallel park.

[1710] Parallel park.

[1711] That was good.

[1712] Your buddy Callie's in town.

[1713] Yes.

[1714] My B .F. Your Erin Weekly.

[1715] is in town and it is lovely.

[1716] And she's living in London.

[1717] London.

[1718] And I asked her for some intel about your theory on brake pedals.

[1719] So we asked her about some intel about the brake pedal.

[1720] Because she's been there since January.

[1721] So going on 10 months.

[1722] Yes.

[1723] Yeah.

[1724] And from what I heard, I can't give specifics.

[1725] But from what I heard.

[1726] It seems very true.

[1727] It seems a little true.

[1728] It's hard for you to admit.

[1729] I'm going to say a little true.

[1730] Okay, you leave a little wiggle room.

[1731] I don't know that it's that the women don't have a break pedal, but it does seem like the men do have more of a break pedal in the English culture than a here.

[1732] And just act in general more of the role that a female would play here.

[1733] Conventionally, yes.

[1734] Anyway, I just thought you'd find that interesting because we can never really find real down.

[1735] on that.

[1736] And she's doing some research for us.

[1737] Yeah, we got a nice piece of anecdotal data that supported my theory.

[1738] Do you take her to your new house?

[1739] I'm taking her today.

[1740] Okay.

[1741] Can I tell you something that you have to get at your new house?

[1742] Yes.

[1743] Okay.

[1744] You're going to get annoyed by this because I'm in love with the entire product line.

[1745] But another thing, Delta Fawcett.

[1746] Oh, tell me about part three.

[1747] Listen, another thing Delta Scent, Delta Fossits, is this glass rinser.

[1748] Oh, okay.

[1749] I got to say, maybe I've seen one at a restaurant.

[1750] What does that mean?

[1751] Okay, well, let's just start with the problem.

[1752] I complain, and I know you have it too.

[1753] You want to clean out a glass.

[1754] You cannot get the sponge in there and your hand to get the corners that seem where the base of the cup meets the walls of the cup.

[1755] I have a particularly hard time doing it with our blender bottles that I shake up all my drinks in.

[1756] There's so much residue left.

[1757] Yes, and so what you do is then I resorted to get.

[1758] getting this big, stupid, long scrubber.

[1759] That doesn't work either.

[1760] And it takes up way too much room on the sink.

[1761] So then it's under the sink.

[1762] The whole thing is a pain in the neck and I hate it.

[1763] The glass rinser, all you do, girl, is you set the glass upside down on this sprayer.

[1764] The glass rinser has a super high -powered water jets and it reaches every little corner.

[1765] And all you just, you set it down and you look at the glass.

[1766] and it's spotless.

[1767] Oh my, I want that.

[1768] My coffee cups.

[1769] Another time that I really hate, I hate cleaning those coffee cups, put it on the glass renter, high power jets, done.

[1770] Also, I really wish we had it when we have baby bottles.

[1771] That was because I have so much anxiety that you really want to get your baby bottles clean, obviously because your baby's drinking out of it.

[1772] You don't want to gunk in there.

[1773] And those are nearly impossible to clean because the mouth is so narrow.

[1774] Dang.

[1775] These people are geniuses.

[1776] They're revolutionizing the kitchen.

[1777] There's no question about it.

[1778] They're also incredibly easy to install.

[1779] I need that.

[1780] You must have it at your new house.

[1781] Okay.

[1782] And in fact, I'm getting one for sure when we build the new attic.

[1783] You are?

[1784] Absolutely.

[1785] We need that for our $2 ,000 mugs.

[1786] Well, these expensive lefty mugs are just floating around this attic dirty.

[1787] I hate to say that.

[1788] Because we don't have a glass rinser here.

[1789] But we're going to get one.

[1790] Yes.

[1791] I'm going to take her there to the house.

[1792] And then I'm probably, I would like to figure out a way for us to eat Houston's.

[1793] Oh, that's going to be toughy.

[1794] I might have to be a pickup, which doesn't sound fun.

[1795] Yeah, that's, that's going to, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[1796] That reminds me, I bought a new car yesterday, a new old car.

[1797] Yeah.

[1798] And I had to ride my electric bicycle out because I didn't have anyone to get me. You did?

[1799] Yeah, well, because you have COVID.

[1800] I do not.

[1801] Don't say that.

[1802] You had Cali there and you hadn't been, you had been tested, but the results weren't in yet.

[1803] Yes.

[1804] So I couldn't hang with you.

[1805] That's right.

[1806] So I had to ride my electric bicycle over to get this new car.

[1807] How far was it?

[1808] Well, it was out in Mount Washington, which is, I was not far from Pasadena.

[1809] I could have just kept on going into Houston's.

[1810] Wow.

[1811] That is a long way you rode your bike.

[1812] Well, I wrote it even further when I dropped off my last purchase, the 454 SS, when I dropped that off, farther away than the airport.

[1813] What?

[1814] Yes, you don't know.

[1815] I told you the story.

[1816] And then I rode my bicycle, my electric bicycle, back 26 miles through a war zone.

[1817] And remember, I was saying, oh, my God, the city's got so many facets to it.

[1818] Anywho, I don't think I remembered it was that far.

[1819] Gee.

[1820] This was not far.

[1821] This was only five miles.

[1822] You know, the Houston says the crow flies is probably only seven and a half miles from here.

[1823] But, you know, through the highway system in L .A. It can be a beat down.

[1824] Oof.

[1825] Anyways, are you going to drive out there and get it?

[1826] I don't know.

[1827] TBD.

[1828] We are not supported by Houston's.

[1829] I just want to say that.

[1830] But we are mentally supported by Houston's because we love it so much.

[1831] And it brings us joy.

[1832] We do.

[1833] I haven't eaten there in so long and it breaks my heart.

[1834] I know.

[1835] I like the environment.

[1836] The food is off the charts, but the environment is really spash.

[1837] It's very sexy in there.

[1838] That's where the woman could have sang that song and it would have worked.

[1839] The context would have bolstered, would have buffeted, would have booted her performance.

[1840] It would have supported her performance.

[1841] The landing would be just musky enough that you'd be like, yeah.

[1842] Like, I'm into.

[1843] Yeah.

[1844] Put your camel to bed.

[1845] Why does someone put their camel to bed?

[1846] Is that mean you tuck it in?

[1847] Two options.

[1848] One, you've misheard.

[1849] Yeah, likely, likely.

[1850] And two, the camel cigarette put it out.

[1851] Oh, no, but an oasis exists in a desert where you ride camels across.

[1852] It's clearly an Arabian nights theme song.

[1853] Oh.

[1854] Midnight at the oasis.

[1855] Put your camel to bed.

[1856] Could the oasis be a club and it's saying lights out?

[1857] What's it called?

[1858] Last call.

[1859] Last call.

[1860] Don't let the door hit you in the ass.

[1861] Well, the only oasis that was in my area growing up was the standard gas station oasis truck stop where Timothy McVeigh planned the Oklahoma City bombing.

[1862] Do you know that?

[1863] For real?

[1864] For real.

[1865] Oh, my God.

[1866] He's part of the Michigan militia.

[1867] Oh.

[1868] And this gas station was just five miles from my house.

[1869] Wow.

[1870] You could have stopped him.

[1871] I should have stopped it.

[1872] If you get to time travel.

[1873] Yeah.

[1874] I know you're going to go hang out with my grandma and do naughty things that I won't want to hear about.

[1875] Although, remember, I amended that and I really just want to take Brett Pitt back with me so that those two can make love and I can witness it.

[1876] That's true.

[1877] But also, while you're like in route, can you stop Timothy McVeigh?

[1878] Would you, okay, this is a, this is, well, first.

[1879] No, you're, this is a trap.

[1880] But go ahead.

[1881] Why is it a trap?

[1882] Because I'm going to, there's going to be an ethically correct question and there's going to be what I'd really want to do question.

[1883] No. Do you feel like if you could time travel, you would go back and change something like that, something big?

[1884] Man, is it's, it's always so hard to say.

[1885] I wouldn't.

[1886] You wouldn't kill Hitler.

[1887] I, yeah, it is hard to say because I think people would be mad at me. But it's like the movie frequency.

[1888] And see, I don't know if you remember that movie with, I think, Dan Quay, Quail, Quaid.

[1889] Dan Quaid.

[1890] That's his name.

[1891] I think it's Dan Quaid.

[1892] No. It's not, it's Daniel Quaid or Danny Quaid.

[1893] Daniel Quaid.

[1894] It's Daniel Quaid.

[1895] Okay.

[1896] And his brother, Randy Quaid.

[1897] Dennis.

[1898] Oh, my God.

[1899] Oopsies.

[1900] Sorry, Dennis.

[1901] This is a great actor who I like a lot.

[1902] He is very good.

[1903] It's silly that I, yeah, great balls of fire.

[1904] He played Jerry Lee Lewis.

[1905] He's got a great buddy, boxes.

[1906] You know, he's a...

[1907] You know everything about him, but in his name.

[1908] He was married to your girl from, uh, you got mail?

[1909] Meg Ryan.

[1910] For years, yeah.

[1911] Really?

[1912] You got it.

[1913] You got mail.

[1914] You got it, mail.

[1915] Okay, well, frequency.

[1916] So in that movie, um...

[1917] He's communicating with his son over a shortwave radio.

[1918] That's right.

[1919] And he's dead.

[1920] He's a firefighter and he dies at the beginning.

[1921] So, of course, the sun wants to stop that.

[1922] Oh, yeah.

[1923] And it turns out you shouldn't do that.

[1924] Or let's take a lesson from back to the future when Biff takes that sports almanac, like a list of victories.

[1925] And then he becomes super rich.

[1926] And then we can't.

[1927] Yeah.

[1928] It's really hard to say because, you know, well, World War II, it's hard.

[1929] But, you know, all you'd have to do, you wouldn't have to kill Hitler.

[1930] You'd have to go back and kill.

[1931] the assassins of Archduke Ferdinand.

[1932] So then there'd be no World War I. Right.

[1933] But here's the thing.

[1934] Guess what?

[1935] There probably would be a World War I. Like the Austro -Hungarian Empire probably would have invaded some shit.

[1936] They had an excuse.

[1937] I don't know.

[1938] It's hard to know.

[1939] It's so hard to know.

[1940] But what if you killed Hitler in the second you stabbed him in the gullet, you vanished?

[1941] Because somehow by killing him led to a different version of how we discovered the nuclear bomb.

[1942] And maybe everyone had it at once.

[1943] And then maybe it was all nuclear assault the first time they were used.

[1944] And maybe there's no humans here.

[1945] Exactly.

[1946] That is a lesson from frequency.

[1947] You bring one person back to life.

[1948] Some other people go.

[1949] God.

[1950] God, what a movie.

[1951] What a great tale.

[1952] Great lesson.

[1953] I wonder how many people were like on the fence about whether they wanted to time travel or not.

[1954] And they saw that and they go, well, that settles it.

[1955] I'm not going to do it.

[1956] I mean, I kind of thought about it You did Well, I would definitely time travel I would just try not to tinker with anything Yeah, but you would If you brought Brad If you brought Brad, if you brought Brad, if you brought him To my grandma, you are, you're going to vanish me If you do that Oh, because you think she won't be able to get enough of it Well, obviously Is it that I'll vanish you Or you'll be even prettier Because you'll have half of Brad Pitt's DNA and you.

[1957] It won't be me. You understand that, right?

[1958] It'd be you.

[1959] Exactly you, but you'd be better at riding motorcycles.

[1960] No. One time I, you know, I think this is the thing kids think a lot.

[1961] Like, I think I was telling Delta about this way too young.

[1962] But she is a very big brain.

[1963] She could understand it.

[1964] Not the faucet, Delta, your daughter.

[1965] Oh, right.

[1966] We're not supported by Delta, the daughter just so everyone was.

[1967] Well, we are.

[1968] Again, like we're supported by Houston's.

[1969] We're supported by them emotionally.

[1970] Oh, okay.

[1971] That's true.

[1972] So Delta the daughter said something about then that person would be my mom or dad or something.

[1973] And I said, well, actually, no, if mommy had a baby with a different person, it wouldn't be you.

[1974] It would be a new person.

[1975] That's a mix of mommy and that person.

[1976] And it wouldn't be you.

[1977] She didn't care.

[1978] Oh, good.

[1979] Yeah.

[1980] But anyway, so if Brad Pitt and my grandma engage in sex.

[1981] Actual Activity.

[1982] Sexual Congress.

[1983] Which is likely.

[1984] Oh, God.

[1985] They saw each other.

[1986] Even, okay, here's the thing.

[1987] This is how slight it is.

[1988] Even if they do.

[1989] And my grandpa and my grandma still have the same life.

[1990] Like just extra, just one night.

[1991] She has a little secret that she keeps tight in her heart.

[1992] And at night, she, you know, maybe she lets the fingers do the walking.

[1993] Oh, my.

[1994] And remembers that evening with Brad Pitt, who were.

[1995] arrived in a spaceship.

[1996] Oh, fingers do the walking is masturbating?

[1997] Well, it used to be a phone book saying for the yellow pages, let your fingers do the walking.

[1998] And their logo was two fingers walking because people go through the pages.

[1999] They'd flick the pages like, just like, chich, ch -ch -ch -ch -ch -ch.

[2000] Okay.

[2001] So I'm now using that.

[2002] Please don't sue me yellow pages if you're in existence still.

[2003] You could let your fingers do the walk -in.

[2004] Wow, it's a euphemism for masturbation.

[2005] For your grandma.

[2006] Oh, okay.

[2007] I don't want to get.

[2008] Granny bation.

[2009] I guess it'd be grandma, grand masturbation.

[2010] Grammasturbation.

[2011] Yeah, grand masturbation.

[2012] It sounds like Grandmaster flex a little bit.

[2013] It sounds a little...

[2014] Ronchy?

[2015] No, it sounds a little like white supremacist.

[2016] Graham masturbation?

[2017] Something about Grandmaster.

[2018] Yeah.

[2019] Oh, yeah, with all the clan members.

[2020] Exactly.

[2021] They have those goofy titles like Dragon Master and Imperial Knight of the Seventh Kingdom.

[2022] But I guess I could also think of it in terms.

[2023] of Harry Potter.

[2024] I'll think of it in that way.

[2025] Terrence Posner.

[2026] Yeah.

[2027] So my grandma and Brad Pitt engaged, even if it's just one time at random night, still the mix of over the egg.

[2028] Ovum?

[2029] The egg that would have been, the egg that would have been mixed up with my grandpa's sperm to make my mom.

[2030] No, no, hold on a second.

[2031] She's not getting pregnant, but I'm going to tell Brad pull out.

[2032] And we're going to visit her in a moment in her cycle where she's not ovulating.

[2033] This isn't going to be it.

[2034] I don't think you can't plan that.

[2035] Well, of course you can plan that.

[2036] Listen, listen, listen.

[2037] Not a baby, not a baby, but what if because she has sex with Brad, she doesn't, she has a period, okay?

[2038] Okay.

[2039] I don't know how that's going to affect that.

[2040] Yeah, because some eggs are going to get released during her period.

[2041] Oh, you mean why does Brad?

[2042] Because, okay, I'll tell you why.

[2043] Hold on.

[2044] Brad can't affect your grandmother's ovulation.

[2045] Let me tell you something about her period.

[2046] Okay.

[2047] When Brad comes over, it's a Friday night, she's going to start her period on Saturday.

[2048] Okay.

[2049] So she, instead of having sex with my grandpa to make my mother, she has sex with Brad.

[2050] No, no, no. Backup.

[2051] And he pulls out.

[2052] Everything's fine.

[2053] Then he leaves.

[2054] He comes back to 2020.

[2055] And she has her period back.

[2056] Well, hold on.

[2057] Just to be clear, he's coming back to 1997.

[2058] I'm going to swing in and get Legends of the Fall Brad Pitt to have sex with your grandma.

[2059] Oh, I'm sorry.

[2060] I forgot about that.

[2061] I got a couple stops I make.

[2062] Okay.

[2063] So then she has her period.

[2064] So then after that she has sex with my grandpa and makes a girl.

[2065] But that girl's not my mom because my mom was the period egg.

[2066] That still doesn't make any sense.

[2067] No. Yeah.

[2068] It doesn't.

[2069] Yeah, because the egg that's coming out in one period is not the same as the more different eggs how does brad pit affect grandma's cycle i told you this is so easy to follow oh you're saying that she had sex with brad instead of on the day of conception no no no no i can look up when normala was born okay and i can backdate that and i'll get brad in there before they that moment okay this is so easy to do correctly without any butterfly effect oh yeah butterfly effect another one Man, this is a really well -worn thought experiment.

[2070] It is.

[2071] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2072] I didn't invent it.

[2073] No, we're diving into a lot of well -worn material.

[2074] All right.

[2075] Well, Matthew McConaughey, speaking of movie stars, speaking of hot, hot movie stars.

[2076] There's few people, well, there's no one I would want to trade lives with.

[2077] I like mine the most.

[2078] Yeah.

[2079] But if at gunpoint, I was either going to dematerialize and never have existed, or jump into someone's body.

[2080] Yeah.

[2081] He'd be high on my list.

[2082] What about Brad?

[2083] I think Matt's having more fun.

[2084] Wow.

[2085] I think he's having a lot of fun.

[2086] I've met his wife.

[2087] She's absolutely stunning and nice and smart and lovely.

[2088] Yes.

[2089] He lives in my favorite place already.

[2090] That's true.

[2091] He drinks successfully.

[2092] That's true.

[2093] You could do worse.

[2094] You might.

[2095] By the way, we should commit some real.

[2096] time to who would be our backup body okay all right i like so i'm just i'm throwing him in there right now there might be others that that end up passing him but i don't i can't think of one now i would trade bodies with hmm mm -mm well it's not just trade bodies it's the whole you're them okay if i'm them bill gates ruth bader Ginsburg she's passed Yeah.

[2097] Oh, do they have to be alive?

[2098] Of course.

[2099] Oh, okay.

[2100] Yeah, I can't pick, like, Stalin.

[2101] Well, then I would have lived that life and I would have felt happy.

[2102] I don't know.

[2103] Well, not as Stalin, but.

[2104] No, no, as Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[2105] Okay, let me think of someone alive.

[2106] Yeah, thriving.

[2107] Comparable age, preferably.

[2108] Ooh, maybe Michelle Obama.

[2109] Oh, really good.

[2110] Yeah, that would be a life.

[2111] And you could sleep with your dream.

[2112] Yeah.

[2113] And look, mine's the opposite of yours.

[2114] I'm not picking a life that's easy.

[2115] I know you want to be proud of yourself.

[2116] And I want to have a great time.

[2117] I feel like I'm already burdened with trying to do the other thing.

[2118] And it seems nice to just have a good time.

[2119] Yeah, I'm not interested in that.

[2120] Yeah, you don't want a good time.

[2121] For a good time, don't call me. Are though, I know who you might be.

[2122] Oh, who?

[2123] Michael Jordan.

[2124] Well, I hadn't thought about boys.

[2125] I might be Tom Brady.

[2126] Really?

[2127] Although, he's not having as much fun as McConaughey.

[2128] Jordan?

[2129] I would not pick.

[2130] I might pick Zazzy Beat so I could stare at myself in the mirror all the time.

[2131] I would never need to do anything but stare in the mirror.

[2132] You know who I'd pick.

[2133] Who?

[2134] Well.

[2135] Uh -oh.

[2136] I'd probably pick, I was going to say Jennifer Aniston.

[2137] Obviously.

[2138] Oh, yeah, you would have been on friends.

[2139] I would have been on friends and married.

[2140] You would have banged Brad?

[2141] That's right.

[2142] Or Dave Chappelle.

[2143] You'd want to be him.

[2144] I would definitely want.

[2145] You'd be real proud of yourself if you were him.

[2146] I'd be so proud of myself.

[2147] I'd be enlightened.

[2148] I'd be magical.

[2149] I'd be a genius.

[2150] That'd be exciting.

[2151] He seems to have a good time.

[2152] He's been through the ring or too.

[2153] He's been, yeah.

[2154] And he made a decision of high integrity.

[2155] He navigated right out of it.

[2156] I love it.

[2157] In the calmer waters and weather.

[2158] I was thinking about him last night as I was falling into my slumber.

[2159] Are you, is this a boy -girl difference?

[2160] When you like someone that much, are you horny for them?

[2161] So I am not horny for Dave Chappelle.

[2162] Okay.

[2163] But I am.

[2164] You want his respect.

[2165] More than anything.

[2166] Yeah.

[2167] And I'm never going to get it.

[2168] No. There's no. What would he, what would he be?

[2169] Hey.

[2170] Hey.

[2171] Hey.

[2172] Oh, no. Well, I just don't think we do.

[2173] The things that the people that he seems to admire, hold on, are like really talented hip -hop artists.

[2174] That seems to be who he respects a lot.

[2175] He hangs out with a ton of hip -hop artists.

[2176] That's why Tillib's friends with him.

[2177] He hangs out with enlightened people.

[2178] Yeah, who also can slang great verse.

[2179] Well, no. Can Bradley know and they're friends?

[2180] No, but he is a better actor than us.

[2181] He's not exclusive.

[2182] He's a much better actor than us.

[2183] Okay.

[2184] I'm going to quit everything, and then I'm going to start a new profession where Dave Chappelle will respect me. Oh, well, we got to find out what it could be.

[2185] He, of course, would respect you.

[2186] I'm having fun.

[2187] You don't do the things that I feel like he's drawn to.

[2188] He's probably not going to cross paths with me. No, actually, I'm not going to say that.

[2189] I'm going to will that into being.

[2190] Okay.

[2191] And we're going to be friends.

[2192] Okay, great.

[2193] Would you be satisfied just being best friends with them, but he doesn't respect you?

[2194] No. I would rather us not cross paths.

[2195] if that were the case.

[2196] All right, here's your options.

[2197] Okay.

[2198] One is he has the most undying respect for you.

[2199] Like he's listened to all 250 episodes, and he's like, this is the best woman on planet Earth, and I never want to meet her.

[2200] Yeah.

[2201] Or you are best bros with Dave Chappelle.

[2202] You hang with him.

[2203] You go to his live shows in the cornfield in Ohio.

[2204] He, like, runs material by you.

[2205] You guys go out to eat.

[2206] You get to hear all of his interesting points of view on every little topic under the sun.

[2207] and your besties, I think you would...

[2208] But listen, you think I'd pick the first...

[2209] I do.

[2210] And that's horrible.

[2211] It's just ego, I think.

[2212] But listen, that is ego.

[2213] But I'm also smart enough to know, which is why he respects me, because I'm smart enough to know this, that the situation you just laid out is impossible.

[2214] Why?

[2215] You can't be...

[2216] He especially can't be, because he has such high integrity.

[2217] He can't be that close with someone.

[2218] running material by them and not respect them.

[2219] I have zero people in my life who are in my top tier who I don't respect.

[2220] In this hypothetical I created, that is the case.

[2221] Okay, well.

[2222] They're like, who do you love more than anyone?

[2223] He'd be like, Monica.

[2224] Who's the most fun to be around?

[2225] Monica.

[2226] Do you respect her?

[2227] No. That's how we go.

[2228] Oh, my God.

[2229] Because he's like, what does that mean or respect her?

[2230] I like her.

[2231] That's what's important.

[2232] Yes.

[2233] Yes.

[2234] I hate this question.

[2235] I'm breaking through more stuff than your therapist.

[2236] I think I'd pick the second because he'd want me to pick the second and I'd gain his respect.

[2237] Oh, my God.

[2238] Oh, my God.

[2239] It's the worst pick.

[2240] Okay.

[2241] So I only have one fact for Matthew.

[2242] Okay.

[2243] Good because we ate up all of his time with a bunch of hypotheticals about Brad fucking your mom getting remarried No, not my mom.

[2244] I mean, your granddaddy.

[2245] Granddittles.

[2246] Well, he's fucking over my granddaddy.

[2247] Gram masturbation, which maybe is racist.

[2248] Yeah.

[2249] We don't know.

[2250] Yeah.

[2251] The glass sprayer is unparalleled.

[2252] Oh, yeah.

[2253] And, okay.

[2254] And now we're here to the fact.

[2255] And Dave Chappelle, in my respect.

[2256] Or left her up.

[2257] Lies in the balance.

[2258] Okay.

[2259] Now, Laura sent me one fact is who is the real little Mr. Texas.

[2260] Oh, wow.

[2261] Is it known?

[2262] Listen, I can't.

[2263] Find it, but I can find.

[2264] He was runner up.

[2265] Yes, as we learned.

[2266] That's another thing I'd gain if I took over his life is I would have been runner up in a beauty pageant.

[2267] I didn't have a shot at that in my real life.

[2268] You couldn't find the real life little Mr. Tachia?

[2269] No, I saw a list of the people, but it didn't say who was the winner.

[2270] Oh.

[2271] And there were a few people who were like, my brother was in that pageant with Matthew McConaughey, but nobody is claiming winnership.

[2272] Well, because he was so disparaging about.

[2273] their advantage, their financial advantage, they're embarrassed.

[2274] Oh, man. I hope this leads to us finding out.

[2275] If you know the real winner of the Little Mr. Texas, is it Little Mr. Texas?

[2276] That's right.

[2277] I'm so sorry.

[2278] If you are the winner, I don't mean to laugh at it.

[2279] 1977.

[2280] If you're the winner of 1977, Little Mr. Texas pageant and or you know one, and better yet, if you're associated in any way and you can put us in the case, contact with them.

[2281] We'll interview them.

[2282] I'll say that right now.

[2283] We'll do it on a fact chat, right?

[2284] Yes, we will.

[2285] But we need photographic evidence and shit.

[2286] Not that you and I would know if it was faked or not.

[2287] Yeah, we're going to need some hardcore evidence.

[2288] I'm going to run it by Dave Chappelle.

[2289] Yeah, he'll know.

[2290] He can sniff out of fake in a second.

[2291] He doesn't respect you at all.

[2292] He wants to go on every vacation he ever takes in his life with you.

[2293] All right.

[2294] Well, look, we got to get Dave Chappelle on here, if for no other reason to settle this debate.

[2295] He is my number one guest.

[2296] That's a really good number one guest.

[2297] Thank you.

[2298] Yeah.

[2299] Man, if, if for me, wait, between him and Bill Murray, that's a, that's a real.

[2300] That's a, that's a tough one.

[2301] That's a Sophie's choice.

[2302] I get that.

[2303] Oh, I never really wrap this up real quick.

[2304] So he was on the Letterman interview show that's on Netflix.

[2305] I watched it.

[2306] last night, so I went to bed, Dave Chappelle, not Bill Murray, Dave Chappelle, and I went to bed thinking about him in my slumber.

[2307] No, I was not horny for him.

[2308] Right, right, right.

[2309] Thank you.

[2310] Ding, ding, ding.

[2311] But I did think, wow, this person is an anomaly.

[2312] Okay, okay.

[2313] And he's a gift to this earth.

[2314] Uh -huh.

[2315] You think he's a god.

[2316] So last.

[2317] Oh, well, I'm just, you're, you're, you are teetering into deity status.

[2318] Well, no, I don't think he's a deity.

[2319] He takes shits and stuff.

[2320] Of course.

[2321] Of course.

[2322] I don't mean that.

[2323] And he doesn't want to be that.

[2324] He makes that very clear.

[2325] He doesn't want to be anyone's leader or anyone's anything.

[2326] He's not comfy with it.

[2327] But it's because of that.

[2328] Have I already aired my grievances against the Dalai Lama in here?

[2329] I don't know.

[2330] It's not the time or place.

[2331] Yeah.

[2332] I don't think we should do that.

[2333] All right.

[2334] All right.

[2335] That's all.

[2336] I love you.

[2337] Love you.

[2338] Good night.

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