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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Welcome to the staring contest that Karen and I just.
[18] hat.
[19] God, it brings out the best in us right at the top of a Minnesota.
[20] So you just don't know what's happening.
[21] It's just a lot of energy and a lot of readiness.
[22] And then we don't know where to put.
[23] No. How about right into these microphones?
[24] How about it right right into your own hometown murders are about to read you?
[25] Go.
[26] You started.
[27] Okay.
[28] This is a step is called weird stuff hidden inside a wall.
[29] Short and lighthearted.
[30] Oh, and we're reading these before we're going, this is going to be while we're in Europe.
[31] So oh my God, we're in Europe.
[32] So oh my God, we're in Europe right now.
[33] Oh my God, I love trains.
[34] UK, yeah.
[35] I love a canal.
[36] I love them all.
[37] God, thanks for getting us over here, listeners.
[38] So here are some of that take place in those places.
[39] Hi, guys, all humans and pets included.
[40] I don't know if you're still reading the stuff hidden in wall stories.
[41] Oh, we are.
[42] But here's mine anyway.
[43] When my grandfather died a few years ago, my parents moved into his old house, and as they were cleaning up the place they found, they moved around some old cupboards.
[44] They noticed that the wall, all behind those cupboards was hollow and there was a hidden trap door in the wall.
[45] Ooh.
[46] They were really excited to see what was in there, but were slightly disappointed to discover that it was mostly just some papers and not a huge stash of money or a confession to a murder or something similar.
[47] Okay, maybe that was just my true crime obsessed ass, lull.
[48] Included in those papers along with old letters was my grandpa's diary from when he was traveling in Israel and other places, which were probably somewhat interesting.
[49] However, the best thing they found was a very meticulous food diary.
[50] My grandpa had kept in the 70s because he had tried to figure out why he had stomach issues.
[51] His diet included, quote, about 10 bagels for dinner.
[52] Oh, my God, my boyfriend.
[53] Ten bagels.
[54] Ten bagels for dinner.
[55] Turns out he has saliax disease.
[56] Yeah.
[57] She said, I wonder why he had indigestion.
[58] the fact that he wrote that down and then hit it is such an unassuming in such an unassuming place still makes me laugh and quote about ten bagels has become one of my family's catchphrases yes what do you want for dinner about ten bagels please i could eat about ten bagels right now this isn't a creepy story and hopefully you didn't find it boring also sorry my writing is bad my first language is finished that was the most perfectly written letter oh my So about 10 bagels was written in finish originally.
[59] I'd finish about 10.
[60] Someone kill me. Don't kill me. Love you guys.
[61] Thank you for the amazing podcast.
[62] It has kept me company during long hospitalization periods for my eating disorder.
[63] And thank you for talking, learning, and teaching about mental illness the way you do.
[64] Love Andre.
[65] Oh.
[66] That was so hilarious.
[67] Yeah.
[68] And also get healthy.
[69] Be happy.
[70] Yeah.
[71] Let's all try to be happier than we seem to allow ourselves to be with all this shit.
[72] Yes.
[73] Please.
[74] That was such a good story.
[75] That was so good.
[76] I mean, look, on the weekends, I get very about 10 bagelsy where I'm like, hey, you know, I have all these weird rationalizations about eating bagels on the weekend.
[77] But it's the weekend.
[78] I don't know what I'm thinking.
[79] It's like I've earned it somehow, which I have not.
[80] ever i have to say so someone recently wrote me a thing about like uh their eating disorder issues and how me talking about food and having having had a eating disorder helped and like and i just wanted to write and tell them that one of the things that really helped me get over it was learning how to cook and being obsessed with cooking which made me like really more into food and stuff yeah so if i can toast that bagel out maybe make your cream cheese at home how i don't know i'm sure they're an instant pot recipe online somewhere.
[81] Here's how you do it.
[82] You take a cup of milk and you put it on the window still in direct sunlight.
[83] You do that for three weeks and then you scrape off the green mold.
[84] Yeah.
[85] Cream cheese.
[86] Done.
[87] And then put that green mold into some blue, make up blue cheese.
[88] You have blue cheese now.
[89] That's right.
[90] Now you have blue cheese salad dressing that you can pour over your cream cheese and your bagel.
[91] Yeah.
[92] Get the bagels from a store though.
[93] Don't fuck around.
[94] Don't make them?
[95] Yeah, don't pretend you can make a bagel.
[96] You can make cream cheese all day.
[97] They make them for you.
[98] Okay.
[99] You go.
[100] Okay.
[101] Subteline is found in a chimney.
[102] Love it.
[103] Hello, ladies, felines, canines, and mustaches.
[104] Yes.
[105] That's great.
[106] This is the way.
[107] That's what we're looking for.
[108] I was trying to do a cheer at the beginning.
[109] First of all, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the amazing podcast and the community that has grown as a direct result of your openness with regards to mental health issues.
[110] Oh, my God.
[111] They love us in our mental health over there.
[112] we how how can we have ever known that our mental health issues would be helping so many people who knew what a nice payoff for having so many mental health issues I mean who knew payoff in the long run because of both yourselves and the Facebook support group my mental health issues do not have a hold over my life anymore awesome thank you no thank you my mom no I'm having a conversation by myself don't me to go my mom recently had to have her chimney swept get your minds out of the gutter this is my mother hey hey get your minds out of the chimney so she hired a company to do it my stepdad who was once arrested for murder while at sea what was talking to this week oh we're just going to breathe past that okay oh that's the second story I get it oh shit I love she explains that okay okay this is going to be a little bit of a longie okay um let's do it okay so uh was talking to the sweep so her dad that was arrested once for murder at sea was talking to the sweep the chimney sweep and he started talking about the more interesting jobs they'd done recently the sweep the sweep said that they'd been hired to sweep the chimneys at an old fancy house in monmouth um they were working on one chimney but the brush got stuck this happens a lot because birds sometimes nest in them they went up to the roof to drop a weight down to clear the blockage but it wouldn't budge.
[113] Oh, my God.
[114] The next step was to estimate where the blockage was and carefully remove bricks from the chimney and pull the blockage out that way.
[115] Ooh, that's like surgery.
[116] Oh, it's going to be a body.
[117] Lo and behold, after removing a few bricks, they find the skull of a child.
[118] Oh, my God!
[119] Yes.
[120] Now, you're on the side, you're on what I would imagine to be a slanted roof.
[121] Sure.
[122] Pulling bricks out of a chimney.
[123] And then you're rooting around in there thinking you're just going to pull out a nest or whatever.
[124] Yoink.
[125] A little tiny child's gone.
[126] Oh, no. The police were called, but it was soon established that this was the remains of a very young chimney sweep.
[127] What?
[128] Apparently, this was a common occurrence as the sweeps would be overcome by fumes and die in chimneys.
[129] Oh, babies.
[130] Oh, my God.
[131] Whoever hired the sweeps clearly gave no fucks and just left him up there.
[132] That's insane.
[133] Oh, my God.
[134] I can't wait to see you in Manchester and May stay sexy and remember not to leave child laborers and fancy chimneys.
[135] Riannan.
[136] Can you imagine the family that fucking lived there at the time?
[137] Like, did they tell them when they were like, no, okay.
[138] I bet they didn't.
[139] No, I bet they didn't.
[140] Well, because also, now I want to know from that family, that house must have been haunted.
[141] Yeah.
[142] Little skeleton up in the chimney the whole time.
[143] Oh, my God.
[144] Jesus.
[145] Europe.
[146] What are you doing?
[147] You're so old.
[148] You have all these things hidden in you.
[149] What's it?
[150] Do you want to read?
[151] Oh, oh, sorry.
[152] Yeah.
[153] This is just that my dad's murder story.
[154] My stepdad joined the merchant navy during the 70s because his mom was a straight up bitch.
[155] Anyway, sometimes that's what you got to do.
[156] One time the boat docked and my stepdad was in charge while the goods were being loaded and unloaded.
[157] And this meant that there were some people in the boat who were unfamiliar with the ship's protocols.
[158] And there were these massive doors on the deck to put goods in.
[159] And when the doors were closing, an alarm would sound so that everyone got out of the way, probably because she was unfamiliar with the ship's protocols, a poor woman got crushed to death by the closing door.
[160] And because my dad was in charge, he was arrested for murder.
[161] Oh, my God.
[162] Because I guess he was supposed to stop stuff like that from happening.
[163] Anyway, he spent some time in an interview room while the local authorities made inquiries and ultimately came to the conclusion that the death was a horrible accident.
[164] He was also arrested on espionoff charge charges one time.
[165] But we're not supposed to talk about that since step grandma didn't know what happened.
[166] And like I mentioned before, is a massive bitch.
[167] When she dies, I'll write to you again.
[168] Oh, my God.
[169] Riannon, you're two for two.
[170] That was amazing.
[171] That was great.
[172] Okay, this one is called, da, da, da, da.
[173] It's called I'll see your $1 ,100 under a tree and raise you 100 genitals in an alley.
[174] No. Yep, that's the name of it.
[175] Hello, and then it says insert original greeting here.
[176] Nice.
[177] Ladies, I, if minisodes can now feature stories about finding suspicious heaps of paper in public places, I have got a mystery for you.
[178] During my second year of university in the stupidly uphill city of Bristol, I'd have an hour -long walk up a massive hill to get home, and mainly to avoid having to make small talk with classmates, learned all the little secret shortcuts along the way.
[179] Wow.
[180] Fucking amen.
[181] Kind of love it.
[182] There was one particular shortcut, five minutes from my home, we called Murder Alley.
[183] Not because anyone was killed there, to our knowledge.
[184] It was just a very long, narrow, closed in from above by trees, inhabited by rabid foxes, and the kind of point.
[185] place you'd expect a man in a trench coat to leap out at any second and flash you.
[186] You get the idea.
[187] Sure.
[188] Great.
[189] Absolutely walk through there.
[190] Yes.
[191] Get down in there.
[192] Do it.
[193] One summer's day, I was wandering up murdered alley alone and came across a large brown envelope on the ground.
[194] I looked around to see if anybody was there who might have dropped it.
[195] Nope.
[196] Peeping out of the envelope facing downwards was a huge stack of photos.
[197] I could tell by the markings on the back they were professionally printed and larger than normal size.
[198] Bearing in mind, this was a question.
[199] a posh family area.
[200] I bent down to pick them up thinking, oh, somebody's dropped their wedding photos on the way to show a friend.
[201] I'll have to look to see if I recognize any faces so I can get them back to the owner.
[202] Oh, no. Turn the stack over and realized it would be very difficult to find the owner.
[203] There were no faces, just photo after photo, uh, of close up photo of some very hairy lady parts against various backgrounds.
[204] There may have been man parts too.
[205] I don't remember.
[206] I just saw enough to appreciate that the lighting was pretty well done.
[207] Oh.
[208] Then freaked out, threw them all up in the air and ran a home.
[209] What a wedding that was.
[210] When my three male housemates asked why I was so sweaty, I told them I'd stumbled across a huge pile of high -resolution vaginas and ran because, well, nobody ever teaches you at school how to react in that exact situation.
[211] That's true.
[212] All three immediately sprinted to murder alley to rescue the pictures.
[213] by the time they got there the envelope and its contents had gone i don't know if it was found by a grateful passerby a bit of a bunch of fucking kids the person who dropped them or whether it was a set up from one of those prank tv shows years 10 years later still wonder about the mystery porn and how it got there hope it found a good home stay sexy and if you find mystery genitalias in a dark alley take them home with you they might be somebody else's cup of tea lots of murdery love charlotte that is I mean, it's hacky, but I think that might right there to be the distilled essence of the difference between men and women.
[214] Yeah.
[215] Women pick those pictures up and are like, oh, my God.
[216] And, like, throw them up in the air, like Vera with the straws at the beginning of Alice.
[217] And then three guys hear about it and run on high speed.
[218] I feel like I'd keep, I feel like I'd look at them, put them back down and walk away.
[219] I feel like up close vaginas with different.
[220] backgrounds just feels like nothing good is happening.
[221] I feel like also it's a good enough story without needing proof.
[222] Like you don't need to bring them home.
[223] Look what I found.
[224] You can also just saying this is what, look, oh my God, I found this thing is like enough.
[225] Well, also between the time where you find them and you bring them home, if they're just in your bag, how do you explain that to somebody that like, what if you like something happened and suddenly you're like, why do you have 50 pictures of assorted vaginas?
[226] When your bully comes and steals your backpack, like he does every day after school.
[227] And then you become pussy backpack or what it is some terrible nickname.
[228] You're bringing pussy back.
[229] Do you want a really quick ghost story before we go?
[230] Or do you have another one?
[231] I have another one.
[232] Hey, this is exciting.
[233] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[234] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[235] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[236] Who killed Saz?
[237] And were they really after Charles?
[238] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[239] This season, murder hits close to home.
[240] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[241] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[242] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[243] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[244] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[245] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[246] Goodbye.
[247] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[248] Absolutely.
[249] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[250] Exactly.
[251] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[252] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[253] That's right.
[254] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[255] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[256] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[257] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[258] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[259] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[260] Connect with customers in line and online.
[261] Do retail right with Shopify.
[262] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[263] important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify .com slash murder goodbye the subject line here is the hot dog murders oh no hello karen georgia stephen and collection of pets i grew up in a small town called uh o to be next to is it lester good luck stephen i think it is L -E -I -C -E -S -T -E -R.
[264] Or is it Lichester?
[265] I think it's Lichester.
[266] Do you?
[267] Where nothing really happens, except expect what is known except what is known as the hot dog murders.
[268] Disclamor, I wasn't born when this happened, so all my information is from news articles and my parents and friends.
[269] In the early 1990s in Lester, or Leicester, whatever the fact this is.
[270] Leicester.
[271] Stephen any luck uh lester fuck yes there's a reason i watch bbc america every goddamn moment in my life in the early 1990s uh in lester there was a turf war between two rival hot dog van owners oh my god which involved disappearances protection rackets and arson among other things such as two people being murdered always seemed to bit over the top to me to be honest in august of 1990 gary thompson and john weston were found dead in the Thompson home with around 60 ,000 pounds missing.
[272] These murders were dubbed the hot dog murders as Gary Thompson was an owner of a chain of hot dog vans.
[273] Two men were sentenced to life in prison for double murder after one claimed it was a burglary gone wrong.
[274] However, the other man, Warren Slaney, still maintains his innocence claiming that he was at a family party at the time of the murders.
[275] The men convicted of the crime claimed it was due to a robbery gone wrong.
[276] however when it was talked about in my hometown they say it was set up by another fast food van owner i grew up around the corner from the house that the murders occurred in and have met has spent many a time listening to my dad tell me the story about the man killed over the killed there over hot dogs bit weird i know personally i like to believe that the murders were ordered by another hot dog van owner like a fast food based gangster film however he was most likely a high -end drug dealer who used the hot dog vans as a front and got shot when someone tried to rob him of the drug money.
[277] I tried to find more information, however, due to it being the 90s, there wasn't much online.
[278] Due to it being the 90s.
[279] Anyway, that you'd enjoy this is it's one of the stupidest names I have heard for murder.
[280] Yeah, that's why Hot Dog Anything I love.
[281] Yeah.
[282] Thank you for your show.
[283] You guys are helping me through my Mountain of Uni work and you've given me a new love for podcast.
[284] Yay.
[285] Stay sexy.
[286] Don't get, and don't start a phone.
[287] fast food van chain SSGM Alice oh now I want a hot dog hot dog vans hot dog vans pulling up oh my god why isn't there a hot dog van in my neighborhood because vans are the scariest vehicle oh yeah and hot dogs are the grossest food but you can always go down to Costco you're right you've solved my problems all of them let's hear that ghost story just a quick couple lines of ghost story this is called a short lighthearted story hello karen georgia stephen and creatures this is a short and scary story that happened to my cousin Alex in London a few years back.
[288] He was staying with my aunt for a couple days in her creepy, tiny, dark English apartment.
[289] Alex was watching TV in the living room, and he heard my aunt calling him from the kitchen saying, Alex, time for dinner, sweetheart.
[290] As he was standing up to go to the kitchen, he heard her shout out from the bedroom.
[291] Don't go in the kitchen.
[292] I heard that voice too.
[293] I'm a huge fan of the podcast.
[294] Stay sexy and don't get Lord Mimi.
[295] What?
[296] That's all?
[297] that's not enough what the please send us your ghost stories what voice was the real voice how does he know the one from the bedroom was really her well unless the bedroom would be like don't go in there come in here instead come in here and get these knitting needles out of my hand right come help me with my bunions come put your finger in the socket right don't help me with my bunyan come put your finger in the socket I'm going to guess it's that one that's fake but how will we know but what it was the ghost trying to like feed her to death with what in the kitchen ghost food yeah oh right it's poison rolls i eat ghost food i love ghost food it tastes ashy though it's all ashes send us your ghost stories please god that was unsatisfying me it was almost i like it better than any than i like it better like because it's like almost like a b12 shot of ghost story.
[298] Yeah, and you can fill in the rest of it with the B12 your body already makes.
[299] The idea that the person whose voice you heard, it wasn't that voice and the person is there.
[300] Yeah.
[301] Well, imagine the aunt.
[302] She's like, what the fuck?
[303] I just heard my own voice.
[304] I mean, who was it?
[305] Mm -mm.
[306] Mm -mm.
[307] Your twin sister that she in, in the womb had eaten.
[308] Eaton.
[309] Because she was the stronger plan.
[310] And then her sister, twin sister was like, come have dinner.
[311] and she's going to feed him her her twin her own it's the revenge meal she was going to feed her the placenta tacos oh that's good for your skin now i know i wouldn't mind placenta tacos is so gross i know if this was an episode of this would be called placenta tacos okay send us your stories my favorite murderer g -mout uh thanks for listening you guys and stay sexy and don't get murdered a goodbye goodbye Elvis you want cookie