“I Feel Like I Lost Myself In Raising Kids.”

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[22] You know what's frustrating?

[23] When you can see like what your kids need to do differently in order to be successful, when you can see in your spouse clear things that need to change and you love them and you want the best for them and you put all of your energy into trying to change these things.

[24] And at the end of the day, nothing changes.

[25] And you end up frustrated and exhausted because you've spent all of this time managing everybody else's emotions, right?

[26] You run interference between your spouse and the kids because you don't want things to escalate and you walk on eggshells right around that strong will child or around that spouse who sometimes loses control and then the siblings are fighting and you feel like you have to be the referee to break things up and then this one child takes so much more energy than the other one does and then you can't give the other one enough of your time and so you feel bad about that and you've got all this guilt and you think what did I do wrong like I'm trying my hardest.

[27] I'm doing everything I know to do.

[28] And yet it doesn't seem to help.

[29] And like my parents judge me, that's a hard place to be.

[30] And that's what we're going to talk about today, how to fix that, how to change that on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[31] So welcome.

[32] My name's Kirk Martin.

[33] I'm founder of Celebrate Calm.

[34] We're glad you're here.

[35] If you need any help, you can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[36] If you need personal help, reach out to us.

[37] We're not a business.

[38] We're not a company.

[39] We're not a podcast.

[40] We're a family like yours.

[41] who struggled with everything, who learned the hard way.

[42] You're going to reach out to Casey.

[43] That's our son, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com, because he's the inspiration for Celebrate Calm, the original strong -willed child who will help you, who will listen to you, who will ask you about your family, and then we talk about it as a family, and we make recommendations on things you can do, and then we will provide recommendations on specific resources that are best customized for your family and we'll even customize it for your budget so we're here to help reach out to us so this is what we're going to talk about today that whole pattern that I just mentioned because it is based on some recent emails and well it's based on 20 years of talking to moms basically but some recent emails and some phone consultations and this mom just email and said look I've been listening to I got the calm couples marriage program because I want to help our marriage and I'm listening to all the parenting stuff and I'm trying to come up with ways like my intent was to get my husband and my kids to change and what I realized was I'm spending so much time and emotional energy trying to motivate them to be giving and generous and motivated and all those things we want for our kids that I had stopped being those things myself.

[44] See I was living my life trying to change everyone around me, and now I've become exhausted, frustrated at my wits end, and resentful, right?

[45] And what she realized, because what we teach is, quickest way to change your kids and other people is to first control yourself is it was all in my control, right, to change myself, but I'd become a person that I didn't even like being around.

[46] But two big things that she said, and then I'm going to show you how to work this out is, So I'm changing myself.

[47] See, I don't know what my husband is going to do.

[48] He may never change.

[49] He may leave.

[50] But I will become a different person, a new person inside, a person with confidence, with self -respect, who's assertive, who speaks up for herself.

[51] And she said, I'm doing that.

[52] And I'm noticing a change in my spouse, in my husband.

[53] He's listening to me more.

[54] and it's not because I badgered him and told him that he's not a good listener, it's because I'm changing.

[55] And then here's the second part.

[56] My kids, because she's got a couple teenagers and some younger ones, have begun hanging around me more.

[57] And I started to think, why is that?

[58] Did I tell them?

[59] Did I badger them?

[60] No, it's because I'm more pleasant to be with.

[61] And so I'm actually attracting, I'm changing my family most effectively, not by focusing everything on them, but by focusing on changing who I am.

[62] It is incredibly powerful when you do that.

[63] And we get this question all the time of, what can I do to change my husband?

[64] I was like, I don't know, probably nothing.

[65] I can't change your husband and neither can you.

[66] Right.

[67] And I've got lots of ideas for things for dads to do.

[68] And so they need to listen to.

[69] the dad's CD and all of this stuff, whatever.

[70] But this summer, here's my challenge for you and to you.

[71] Let's reinvent you as a human being.

[72] Because you know what happened?

[73] You got lost somewhere.

[74] You're lost because you lost yourself in this frantic, unrealistic, unrealistic expectation that you are going to create a perfect family and manage everybody's emotions.

[75] And you spent all this time on others, on your kids, on your spouse, and what they're doing and how you're trying to change what they're doing and you lost yourself.

[76] And I want you to cast off those unrealistic expectations.

[77] It is not your job, moms.

[78] It is not your job to make your kids and spouse happy.

[79] It's not your job to make sure they're successful.

[80] They have to own that because it feels like you've been pushing this big boulder up Mount Everest your entire life and it keeps rolling back on top of you.

[81] Now, I love your persistence.

[82] Pretty awesome.

[83] But let's stop that.

[84] Let's break that pattern.

[85] And I'm going to say something that I want to, I want it to hit hard.

[86] I don't do any blame or guilt.

[87] None of that.

[88] But I want this to hit a little bit.

[89] So I'm going to say this in a particular way.

[90] You chose to run yourself ragged.

[91] You chose that.

[92] Your little, your baby, when your kids were babies in their arms, they didn't say, Mom, here's what I want.

[93] I want you to revolve your whole life around us and drop anything that you're doing and just take care of us until we're 18 or 22 or 30.

[94] and just do everything for us and nothing for yourself and run yourself ragged and become emotionally and physically unhealthy and have adrenal issues that's what we want they didn't say that it's a pattern look it's not your fault it is a it is and there's no blame in here it was a pattern that you probably learned from your parents and then you just perpetuated that pattern right so it's not that it's your fault it's a perpetuate it's a pattern that you perpetuated from your parents where you didn't even think about it.

[95] You just found yourself in that trap that moms usually found themselves in of like, well, you just, but you chose it.

[96] The good thing is you can un -chose it and you can do something different, right?

[97] You played a part in this pattern so you can break it.

[98] Here's what happened, though.

[99] You chose to run yourself ragged hoping that your kids, your spouse, PTA, people at church, whoever it is, that they would notice and care and acknowledge.

[100] knowledge, all of your sacrifice.

[101] And the truth is, they didn't, and they haven't, and they won't.

[102] They're not going to do it.

[103] You can't make them respect you.

[104] You have to demonstrate self -respect.

[105] And when they didn't, guess what happened?

[106] You did what most moms do.

[107] You just double down.

[108] You were like, I didn't work the first time.

[109] I'll double down on it.

[110] And I'll do even more.

[111] And then, right, that doesn't work.

[112] And so all that resentment, after all I do for you.

[113] So for the next, 30, 60, 90 days.

[114] Look, we have a unique opportunity.

[115] We're coming up on July.

[116] There's no school pressure right now.

[117] There's anxiety in the world, but there's no school pressure.

[118] We have the time.

[119] Why not change who you are and become a different person, become that joyful, more carefree person you want to be?

[120] So what are you going to focus on?

[121] Because guess what?

[122] You've centered your entire life about what everybody else wants to do, right?

[123] And you know what's funny?

[124] So you're doing stuff you're doing stuff in your house and your home and you're probably doing it for your kids for your spouse for other people and then they barge into the room and they demand something from you and you drop what you're doing which wasn't even anything you've necessarily wanted to do and now you're going to go take them and run them places and pay for it but what about you what about you and this isn't selfish at all i have zero i have zero fear that anybody's going to hear this and become like a selfish mom or selfish parent you're listening to a parenting podcast.

[125] It tells me that you're open to change and you want to become a better person.

[126] But here's what I want you to do.

[127] I want you to take, and this came from, this is another email, came from a mom.

[128] I want to read this because it's really powerful.

[129] So she's going through the program.

[130] She got the Get Everything program.

[131] And let me do a quick thing because we're doing special sale this week.

[132] Two things that you might want to look at.

[133] If you go to celebratecom.

[134] You'll find a products page.

[135] And under there, you'll find Calm Couples Marriage Mentoring.

[136] It is it is my son's favorite program of ours.

[137] As he listens to it, he's like, Dad, this is the best thing you guys have ever developed.

[138] Like, this is fantastic.

[139] He feels like he's actually prepared for marriage because he's been through, because it's about getting relationship skills and changing yourself and becoming a new person.

[140] It's really cool.

[141] And we did this so that even men like it because most men won't go to marriage therapy.

[142] Look, we made it $99.

[143] It's $99.

[144] It could possibly change, save your marriage and keep you from divorce.

[145] But if it doesn't, it'll change who you are so that next time you're in a relationship when that happens, you're a new person and you're healthy.

[146] Maybe for the first time in your life because you're going to break those patterns.

[147] So look that up.

[148] There's also the Get Everything package and we will include the marriage mentoring program for free if you get that.

[149] And that one is on our website too.

[150] We've slashed prices 70%.

[151] It costs a little bit less than two trips to see a therapist, but we give you 30 hours of practical stuff.

[152] It'll change who you are.

[153] If you need to help financially, if you need help in any way, email Casey at Celebrate Calm and he'll help you and we'll get you set up for that.

[154] So the mom's listening, she's going through the program.

[155] And this is what she got out of it because this is what I say in it.

[156] Your needs and wants are no greater than anyone else's, but your needs and wants moms are no less important than anyone else's, no less important.

[157] See, you've become maybe the martyr, mother.

[158] Did everything for everybody else, nothing for yourself.

[159] And what is that created?

[160] Has that created gratitude on the part of others?

[161] No, they just take advantage of you.

[162] And then you become resentful, right?

[163] There's a nasty little pattern.

[164] So here's what a mom did, and I want to use this as an example for what you can do.

[165] By the way, some of you have spoken up and you've been assertive with your husband and he's just dismissed you and he won't take it seriously.

[166] And that causes a lot of pain, a lot of pain because, look, you can't always change that and that's going to cause you pain, but here's what you can change.

[167] You can change yourself.

[168] You can become a different person like that mom said, I don't know what my husband's going to do, but I can become a different person.

[169] So I'm working with this mom, and here's what we came up with?

[170] I was like, so what are you curious about?

[171] Tell me about you.

[172] So she said, I've wanted to do, I've been interested in video editing.

[173] And I'm like, well, that's pretty cool.

[174] Sounds like you're a creative person.

[175] Let's do that.

[176] And I said, so what was your profession?

[177] Like, what were you doing before you decided to stay home with the kids?

[178] Well, I was a physical therapist.

[179] I'm like, oh, that's an awesome thing.

[180] means you're a pretty bright person and you're good with people.

[181] And so did you have a specialty?

[182] Turns out she was really good at fixing knees.

[183] And so I was like, why don't you start your own side business?

[184] You know, you want to stay home with the kids still.

[185] You don't want to be away all the time.

[186] But why don't you start a side gig as a physical therapist who specializes in hurting people, helping people who have hurt their knees?

[187] Because you could do home visits.

[188] You could do that out of your house.

[189] there's ways to do that and she's like oh that would be really cool but then she said but you know what i have a fear of failure and i was like isn't this interesting mom that when we start talking about you and what you want to do there's all this hesitancy right like well i'm just not sure i can do that well where does that come from well comes from my childhood because my parents never really believed in me and they never really affirmed me and i was never uh was never good enough for them and i was like watch how interesting this is.

[190] All of those patterns.

[191] In focusing on changing yourself, you will go so deep now because now you're coming face to face.

[192] Look, see if this makes sense.

[193] Typically, it's, I'm thinking about the kids.

[194] Think about the kids.

[195] You've got to study harder.

[196] Do this.

[197] Push through.

[198] When you have a problem, you've got to push through.

[199] And I'm going to give you all this advice.

[200] And I'm going to spend my whole life, eat healthy, do all these things.

[201] And I'm going to change my spouse.

[202] And when we're doing that, 100 % of the focus is on trying to change another human being.

[203] But now I challenge this mom of like, well, what about you?

[204] And now of a sudden she's got to look inside.

[205] And what do we discover?

[206] She has a fear of failure.

[207] When things get hard, she wants to get shut down.

[208] Well, guess what the kids are doing?

[209] And now you have an opportunity not to lecture them, but to show through your own life, yeah, I'm vulnerable.

[210] And I'm going to push through this.

[211] And I'm going to do something new.

[212] Because when things get tough, I get even tougher.

[213] And I'm going to push through.

[214] And now you're going to start breaking power.

[215] that have been there since your very childhood and those patterns get changed by you and then your kids don't grow up and have to repeat the same patterns and make the same relationship mistakes and the same marriage mistakes, all of those things.

[216] It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

[217] We're not talking about becoming a selfish, self -absorbed person.

[218] We're talking about becoming a more healthy, whole, emotionally mature person who can deal with marriage.

[219] Look, quick thing on marriage.

[220] And I realize this because another mom said, oh, my husband said I'm miserable and controlling.

[221] I'm like, oh, that's really good for your marriage.

[222] But in fact, it is.

[223] Because if you can own this, look, we don't tell people the truth when they get married.

[224] Oh, we're going to share our lives together and we're going to have kids and a white picket fence home and all of this.

[225] No, it's not.

[226] That's not what it's about.

[227] You're going to be shackled together with another human being that's just as broken and selfish as you are.

[228] And occasionally what's going to happen after 8, 10, 12, 15 years of marriage, they're going to tell you things like, well, you're too controlling and you're miserable.

[229] And you have one of two options.

[230] Say, F you to that guy and go and leave, which understandable, right?

[231] Or actually, I have three.

[232] Turn it around.

[233] Well, I wouldn't be so miserable if you actually listen to me and help that around the house and I didn't have to manage your emotions for the past 15 years while you were escalating everything.

[234] Well, that's helpful as well.

[235] But what if in marriage, what if you're shackled to that person because that person knows you deep down and instead of getting defensive and this is hard because you've been hurt but instead you can say huh so that guy I'm married to said I'm controlling and miserable what if there is some truth to that I'm not excusing the way he's saying it and that the fact that he may have perpetuated some of that but why not use that information and say huh I guess I am controlling and I guess I've become miserable because I try to control everybody else and you use that as information and say, okay, so here's what I'm going to do.

[236] And this is where this all comes full circle.

[237] So this mom, I'm like, sign up for a course, learn how to do video editing, right?

[238] Start thinking about what's the name of your new business?

[239] Who are you going to reach out to?

[240] How are you going to find clients?

[241] How are you going to do it?

[242] And when the kids walk into the room and your head's in a book and you're looking at something and you're all into something and they're like, mom, can you do this for us?

[243] You're like, hey, hold on, hold on.

[244] I'm taking this course and I've got to do the certification.

[245] And when your kids, when fall starts and they're studying for school and you're studying for your exams or you're getting a license or certification, they get to see you doing what you want them to do.

[246] And when you talk to your husband, you're like, hey, I'm thinking about starting this business on the side.

[247] You're really good at building websites or you're good at this.

[248] Could you help me with this?

[249] And then when you're vulnerable to your family and say, yeah, I'm not, I kind of want to do it, but I'm afraid.

[250] And then you're going to hear your kids say, but mom and your husband hopefully you're really good at this because you're you're great with people and you know your stuff with the physical therapy you could do this and now all of a sudden your kids and spouse are supporting you because you gave them something to support because until now all of your time is focused on getting them to change now you're changing yourself and you're alive and you're passionate you've got energy and you're excited about things and you're asking them things, hey, could you guys help me with that?

[251] I want to do this video showing what to do with a knee.

[252] Who wants to be in my video to show the proper exercise and show the wrong way to do it?

[253] And kids, teenagers, you're awesome at social media, so maybe you can run my social media campaign and show me how to get a YouTube channel so I can start showing these videos and get a following and start building my client base, right?

[254] And you can still do that and be an awesome mom and be an awesome wife, but be an awesome person and you change yourself.

[255] And that's what happens every single time.

[256] Does that make sense?

[257] It's a cool thing.

[258] And here's what the mom said.

[259] When I started living this out, I began to be confident and I had more respect for myself.

[260] And what it did was my kids started treating me more respectfully.

[261] My husband started talking to me like that more respectfully.

[262] when I started stepping back from controlling everyone else, they learned to step up.

[263] It's cool.

[264] So I encourage you.

[265] Let's do that.

[266] Why would we not do that for the next six weeks, next eight weeks so that we're ready for the fall and we put a new you in motion?

[267] I don't know what's going to happen to your spouse and your kids, but I can tell you if you work on yourself, we can create a new you and you're a healthy you and I'll work with you on that until the day I die.

[268] to be here for that.

[269] So if we can help you, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, go there.

[270] Do get the marriage program.

[271] It's $99.

[272] It's going to teach you entirely new ways to have healthy relationships with everyone around you and to have proper boundaries and learn how to communicate and handle conflict.

[273] Teach your kids how to do this stuff, right?

[274] Let them see you do it in front of them and work through it.

[275] And then if you want that, get it.

[276] If you want it free, get the everything package.

[277] If we can help you, email Casey.

[278] We will help you.

[279] Listen, we're here for the long term.

[280] This is, uh, uh, it's a family.

[281] We're all still changing and growing ourselves.

[282] And that's why we keep this fresh because we all realize the deeper we go, the more issues we have.

[283] So love you all.

[284] Talk to you soon.

[285] Stay safe.

[286] Bye -bye.