Oops, All Ads!

[0] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[1] Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] Hello, Conan O 'Brien here, and welcome to, well, we've never done an episode like this.

[3] This is an unusual one.

[4] Let me explain.

[5] It's called oops, all ads.

[6] That's oops, comma, all ads.

[7] And there's a reason for this, okay?

[8] And the reason is this.

[9] We, of course, have a thriving community in the United States, and they hear our often ridiculous ad reads.

[10] The ads just completely fall apart sometimes.

[11] and this can be quite amusing to some people.

[12] Some people say they actually prefer it to us actually trying to be funny.

[13] So this, it's become a little bit of a thing.

[14] The problem is that in the international market, and we do have a very healthy group of fans all across the world, they don't get to hear the ads.

[15] The ads are not included in the podcast for reasons that I cannot even comprehend.

[16] very technical.

[17] The term dynamic ad insertion comes into the conversation, and whenever I hear that, I lose all blood pressure and pass out.

[18] But suffice it to say, all of our fans across the world internationally don't get to hear some of these ads.

[19] So someone had the idea, what if we did an episode of all of our favorite ad reads, which means most of them have gone horribly wrong, or just falling apart, or I went off on a tangent, and I want to point out two things, because that's what you're going to hear now is some of our favorite ads that we've done over the last few years.

[20] First of all, when we first aired these ads, yes, money did change hands, unless the ad was so unprofessional, the company decided not to pay, but we were too busy giggling to even notice, which I think happened on a few occasions.

[21] However, this time, I think it's just important to let you know that no money is changing hands this time around, meaning we're airing these ads just because they make us chuckle and they seem absurd, but the companies aren't paying this second time around.

[22] This is just a freebie on us.

[23] I just didn't want you to think that this episode was a money grab.

[24] We put comedy first.

[25] and, well, comedy alongside money, let's be honest.

[26] They're just neck and neck, racing it out.

[27] And it's not really comedy anyway, so...

[28] It's really not comedy, yeah.

[29] It's just people having mental breakdown slowly over time on a podcast.

[30] And second of all, the other thing you need to know is that earlier on on the podcast, when we were first starting out, I used to say that I was doing the ads to pay for my beach house.

[31] and that was just the conceit.

[32] So what we would do is Matt Goreley would add beach sounds in the background while I was doing the ads.

[33] And so if you hear beach sounds in the background of an ad, that's what's happening.

[34] It's because I was saying, hey, I'm going to do this ad now for this toilet seat to pay for my beach house, and it was a bad investment, but I need to make some quick cash, and then you'd hear the sound.

[35] So that explains that.

[36] I think I've covered everything, haven't I met?

[37] There's a couple more things.

[38] For instance, you're being humble.

[39] We should mention that you won the I -Heart Radio podcast award for best ad reads.

[40] I mean, come on.

[41] I don't know that I was being humble.

[42] Okay, you're being forgetful.

[43] You forgot.

[44] I forgot.

[45] Yes.

[46] We won, as they say in the Christmas classic Christmas story, I won a major award.

[47] And, yes, and it's, we won this award for our reads.

[48] So, yeah, because we all know how important awards are and how much they bolster my ego.

[49] So, yeah, there's that.

[50] And then also, the reason that international audiences don't hear this is because of dynamic insertion, which just means that the ads can be placed geographically depending on where the clients buy them.

[51] So that's why a Ford ad might go only in the United States, but say not to Latvia.

[52] Well, why can't Latvia have a Ford ad?

[53] Well, they can, but that's probably going to have to be paid for by Ford Latvia.

[54] Oh.

[55] Have you been to Ford Latvia?

[56] Been there?

[57] Hell, I am it.

[58] Wow.

[59] Okay.

[60] Now, you know who didn't win Improvisor of the Year Award?

[61] Oh, what?

[62] Who?

[63] Who?

[64] I'm on pins and needles.

[65] Who is it?

[66] Who is it?

[67] Well, it wasn't you, Matt.

[68] Oh, come on.

[69] I'm sorry.

[70] I'm robbed.

[71] Because every time I throw you the ball, you go, huh, me, I am it.

[72] Anyway.

[73] And then there is one last thing.

[74] Yeah.

[75] And that is that these segments that you're going to hear, these chunks of ads, are going to be broken up thematically.

[76] So the first one you're about to hear is about merchandising.

[77] Oh.

[78] Okay.

[79] And again, what you're about to hear, not the way.

[80] way an ad should be read, and I think, I'm surprised we got paid, if we got paid, I'm sure some of these people refuse to pay, and I wouldn't blame them, because often if I think the ad will be funnier, if I go off on a wild tangent, that somehow ends up defaming the product, oh, go that way.

[81] And if it means we don't get the check, well, we don't get the check, because we're thinking of you first, and the check second, and then I think of my family, third.

[82] There you have it.

[83] All right, here we go.

[84] Let's take a listen.

[85] Look, I spent a considerable amount of time speaking from the heart on this show about missing Maine dress shirts.

[86] Have I not?

[87] Sona, isn't that true?

[88] Yes.

[89] You know what I'm talking about, those comfortable dress shirts.

[90] They're made of performance fabrics that move as your body moves, and my body moves quite a bit, and these shirts move with me. Well, now, what, too much?

[91] Yeah, the tone was creepy.

[92] Yeah, sorry, I don't know what happened there.

[93] I was swallowing a lozen.

[94] Anyway, Mizzen and Maine now makes pants.

[95] Ladies and gentlemen, if you're driving your car, you might wanna pull over the side of the road.

[96] Misen and Maine makes pants.

[97] Okay?

[98] And these are comfortable, performance quality, everything that their shirts have, they now come in a chino.

[99] You know, have you ever been like running or jogging or doing karate?

[100] And you think, this would look so cool if I was wearing chinos.

[101] Now you can.

[102] You can stretch their wrinkle resistant moisture wicking, which is important for me. A lot of steam comes off this chassis.

[103] Oh, my God.

[104] I run hot and comfortable.

[105] Very comfortable.

[106] I'm like a nuclear reactor with long thin legs.

[107] Ew.

[108] And no self -esteem.

[109] Anyway, you might be thinking, oh, come on.

[110] Mizan and Maine is, they make these dress shirts.

[111] Why are they making you know, chinos.

[112] Well, they're doing it.

[113] They're doing it.

[114] They look like regular pants.

[115] There's no answer.

[116] There was no answer.

[117] They're just doing it.

[118] They're just doing it.

[119] Well, they're doing it.

[120] No, they look like regular pants and they're very comfortable.

[121] You'll never want to take these off and people will complain because you never take them off.

[122] You're in a shower, pal.

[123] Why are you wearing chinos?

[124] Ah, Mizzen and Maine.

[125] So drop your pants because Mizzen and Maine has better ones.

[126] Head on over to Miznumain's website at www .comfortable .a .f in their pants.

[127] This was written for me. I would never say that.

[128] Use code Conan at checkout to receive $10 off your order.

[129] That's www .comfortable.

[130] Dot AF with the code coner for $10 off.

[131] Missing it in Maine!

[132] It's never felt better to look your best.

[133] Well, it's officially the holiday season.

[134] If you're looking for gifts for friends and family or maybe just for yourself, because let's face it, you deserve gifts more than anyone else, especially those other creeps in your life.

[135] Make sure to scope out my merch.

[136] That's right.

[137] What does people want more than anything, more than a diamond ring or a gold watch?

[138] They want Conan merch.

[139] Podswag .com is the home of all the great stuff with my podcast logo on it, and they have a couple of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend bundles specifically for this holiday season.

[140] What says I love you, Mom, more than Conan merch on the holidays.

[141] Podswag is going to be giving out discounts all throughout Black Friday weekend and on Cyber Monday.

[142] And for even more merch, check out our Team Cocoa Swag through Red Bubble, who will also be doing major Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales.

[143] Come on, this is what I'm getting my family for Christmas.

[144] I love you, kids.

[145] Here's merch with Daddy's face on it.

[146] Go to Podswag .com and Redbubble .com for all your holiday shopping needs.

[147] Happy shopping, Happy to holidays, yeah.

[148] There's some products that I can't talk about enough.

[149] Products that I believe in so much that, no, seriously, I have to talk about them again and again and again until people get it.

[150] And one of those is fracture.

[151] No, seriously, I know you may have heard me talk about fracture before, but I'm going to go at it again because I don't think you get it.

[152] I really don't think you're listening to me. Everyone out there who's listening right now takes photos, and you share photos.

[153] Oh, good for you.

[154] I took a photo.

[155] Hey, look at my photo.

[156] I got a photo.

[157] It's on paper.

[158] Oh, look at mine's on my phone.

[159] Well, good for you.

[160] Who cares?

[161] That's what everyone does with their photos.

[162] But not fracture.

[163] These prints that fracture makes are made by printing directly on glass.

[164] You're writing this down, directly on glass.

[165] And then your photo's on glass.

[166] And you can display it and it's on glass.

[167] It even includes a wall hanger, so you can hang it up on the wall and see.

[168] that it's glass.

[169] They're cool looking.

[170] They sent us one.

[171] It was really amazing.

[172] The prints are made in Gainesville, Florida.

[173] A place I can't talk enough about.

[174] You love Florida.

[175] I do.

[176] And my favorite part of Florida, as I've said, is Gainesville.

[177] So spring.

[178] You mentioned spring, didn't you, Sona?

[179] I did.

[180] It's the season.

[181] Yeah.

[182] You didn't mention it, though.

[183] I tricked you.

[184] I didn't.

[185] I wasn't sure if you wanted to say.

[186] Spring is a time of refreshing and renewal.

[187] Fracture encourages you to refresh your walls.

[188] See what I did there?

[189] Yeah.

[190] Shelf spaces this spring with the moments that matter most to you by putting your photographs on glass.

[191] And I'm telling you, we got one of these.

[192] Fantastic.

[193] Yeah.

[194] And when I got it, I said, I remember, you said, oh, you'll probably want to talk about this a couple of times.

[195] And I'll say, Sona, I'm going to want to talk about this many, many, many times.

[196] Yeah.

[197] Because Fracture puts your photographs on glass, and it looks awesome.

[198] And I'll fight anybody who says that it doesn't look awesome because it does.

[199] And no one says that because it always looks awesome.

[200] Visit FractionMe .com slash Conan for a special discount on your first fracture order.

[201] Don't forget to pick Conan O 'Brien.

[202] He's a friend in their one question survey.

[203] One question survey.

[204] I don't have time for a survey.

[205] It's one question.

[206] Okay, I have time.

[207] After checkout to tell them who sent you.

[208] Fractureme .com slash Conan.

[209] Don't blow it.

[210] Fracture.

[211] They know it.

[212] I don't have a tattoo.

[213] But if I did have a tattoo, I would get one that said it's all about the undies.

[214] Okay.

[215] I do believe that it all started.

[216] with picking the right underwear in the morning.

[217] It does.

[218] Get the right underwear because it's the first layer that goes on and it covers essential areas.

[219] So you want to have the right underwear.

[220] Do you not?

[221] Do you believe that underwear is important?

[222] I do.

[223] I don't like the way you say things like essential areas.

[224] I think it's, though.

[225] Essential areas.

[226] You owe it to yourself to wear the softest undies in town.

[227] They're making me say that.

[228] But seriously, you do.

[229] And that's why I love meandies.

[230] Miandis uses the coveted micromodal fabric.

[231] That's a full three -time softer than cotton.

[232] Hey, cotton can suck it.

[233] Because three -time softer is micromodal fabric.

[234] Take a hike, cotton.

[235] Take a walk, cotton.

[236] Just move on down the road, Cotton, because micromodal fabric's in town.

[237] Yeah, cotton can suck it.

[238] Take it easy.

[239] I did it once, and that was enough.

[240] I was piling on.

[241] Not only will you feel like your loins are being hugged by joy itself.

[242] Oh, my God.

[243] But me undies gives you multiple style options for both men and women.

[244] You know, men can try the boxer brief with fly.

[245] It's the same great cut as boxer brief, but with an added option for guys who prefer to go through the gate versus over the fence.

[246] These are terms I've never used in my real life, but I read the copy.

[247] What if you want to go around the fence instead of through the gate?

[248] I'm confused.

[249] Meandies is also the go -to for the softest loungeware on the planet, including super comfy lounge pants and onesies.

[250] Because you know what?

[251] Sometimes on a weekend, I like to just lounge around the house.

[252] Yeah.

[253] And I like to wear loungeware when I'm doing it.

[254] Like a onesie.

[255] Yeah.

[256] You like to wear onesies.

[257] That little trap door on your butt.

[258] Anyway.

[259] Meyundies, they've sent us this stuff.

[260] We all wore it.

[261] We all wear it.

[262] I love it.

[263] I love every time they send us the shipment of this stuff, it's fun.

[264] And you know what?

[265] It also goes quickly.

[266] We put the box out of Meyndies.

[267] Before you and I can even get to it.

[268] Yeah.

[269] People were Aaron Blair over in digitals, grabbing the Meyundies.

[270] And he wears sometimes four four of Meundies at a time.

[271] It's ridiculous.

[272] Weird.

[273] Yeah.

[274] What's that?

[275] They're great.

[276] And he's wearing one on his head right now.

[277] Now Meyundies has a great offer for my listeners.

[278] Any first time purchasers get 15 % off a pair of the most comfortable undies you will ever put on and that's right there's more of free shipping when you go to meundies .com slash conan that's meyundies .com slash conan to get your 15 % off your first pair free shipping and a 100 % satisfaction guarantee ah me yundies various areas if it's okay so now I'd like to talk about a sensitive issue That's cool with you.

[279] It's about guys in a certain health problem.

[280] I'm not going to say this as delicately as I can, but it's erectile dysfunction.

[281] Oh.

[282] You know, that's something that some men struggle with.

[283] And there's this product, Roman, that's created an easy way to get checked out by a doctor and then get treated.

[284] There's no awkward face -to -face where you say to the doctor or your dentist or whoever you're going to.

[285] I need an erectile dysfunction drug.

[286] I had a guy fitting me for orthotics once, at a shoe store.

[287] And I said, can you get me an erectile dysfunction drug?

[288] I was escorted out of the shoe store very quickly.

[289] Anyway, you handle everything online.

[290] All you have to do is visit get Roman .com slash Conan, get FDA approved erectile dysfunction meds, delivered to your door discreetly.

[291] Maybe they even could put something else on the package.

[292] here's that drug you need to keep you from having a constant erection wouldn't that be great like yeah man I'm just ready to go 24 -7 and it's a problem because I work literally around Hummel figurines and I'm always smashing them man even Gorley's laughing at this one he's hard to get it's too specific I know but you work at a Hummel figurine store you've got a constant erection you turn what's that smash what is it to my right smash You just broke 35 little Hummel figurines The poor little alpine boy in later Hosen hiking up a hill He knew what he was in for And that's an idea If Roman wants to use that Go ahead and use it For a free online visit Go to get roman .com slash Conan It's time to Have an erection again It's a terrible slogan Try to think of a slogan Roman, it's time to have an erection again.

[293] I don't see what's wrong with that.

[294] Roman.

[295] Can you imagine if we got like James Earl Jones to say that?

[296] Roman, it's time to have an erection again.

[297] That's a good, I don't see anything wrong with that.

[298] That tells you exactly what's happening with this product.

[299] You're welcome, Roman.

[300] You can have that for free.

[301] God, I don't understand how you make money in this business.

[302] He's drawing pictures of erections on his head copy.

[303] In all fairness, those pictures of erections were drawn long before I read this ad.

[304] You know, some artists work in clay, some in oils.

[305] I draw erections very well.

[306] You know what some I'm really happy about right now?

[307] My parents don't know how to get a podcast.

[308] Okay, we're back.

[309] We hope you're enjoying our kind of best -of show.

[310] If you can call this best -of, maybe it's worst of, I don't know.

[311] but this is a podcast, a special podcast dedicated to playing some of our best slash worse slash most unprofessional ads that we've done over the last couple of years.

[312] And as an exciting twist, we're going to actually have a real current ad break in this episode, which means I know you said you didn't get paid for these ads that reran, but you're about to get paid for some ads that will be dynamically inserted and international audiences, once again, you're shit out of luck.

[313] That's terrible.

[314] So we're going to great lengths right now to make sure that the international audience can hear our ads and also to make a show of how we don't need to make money off these old ads.

[315] And then some terrible man has inserted real ads into this podcast without my permission.

[316] The old bait and switch.

[317] Oh, my God.

[318] This enrages me. Well, there's nothing I can do about it now.

[319] So, and I wish I was more involved in the podcast, but I'm so involved in my humanitarian projects around the world that, well, I get distracted, you know.

[320] Oh, so you'll be donating the income of this episode to your charities?

[321] What's that?

[322] I can't hear you.

[323] You're breaking up.

[324] Yeah, and these are ads you read.

[325] You are the one who's saying these ads.

[326] So where did you think they were going to go?

[327] I'm just, I'm confused in general.

[328] I thought I was leaving voicemails.

[329] I didn't realize these were advertisements I was doing and I thought that these were voicemails and that this was for charity.

[330] And so now that you know that, you're still okay with this going ahead?

[331] Well, I think there's nothing to do now.

[332] I think that ship...

[333] One of my favorite expressions is that ship has sailed.

[334] Far be it for me to stop the machinery of commerce.

[335] I am just but one man. So as much as I'd like to stop this, I think we must now proceed with some real ads that are much less funny than the ones you're going to hear on the special.

[336] We'll be right back with some more ads after these ads.

[337] That are actually funny after these ads, which will be less funny.

[338] Do you understand?

[339] No, but let's do this.

[340] Okay.

[341] My head is splitting.

[342] All right.

[343] All right, we're back with our exciting special episode dedicated to some of our favorite silly or disastrous ad reads.

[344] And Matt Gourley, what is the next theme that we'll be pursuing?

[345] The next is a series of three food ads, which is very exciting.

[346] Sona, I know you're a big food -e.

[347] What?

[348] What the hell was that?

[349] What happened there, Matt?

[350] What's going on?

[351] I think he got scared that he said you eat like he was dissing you in some way.

[352] That's right.

[353] That's exactly right.

[354] Well, we all know you eat a lot of food.

[355] Sona.

[356] She's not, because the thing is, Sona's not a foodie.

[357] She just eats food.

[358] You're right.

[359] Let me tell you what happened.

[360] There's a sheet here and it says, these ads are about food, these are food ads.

[361] And it says in parentheses, AKA Sona's love of food.

[362] So I was going to say that, but I didn't want it to come across like, all you do is eat.

[363] Well, that's exactly what happened.

[364] It is what happened.

[365] That's exactly what happened.

[366] That happened.

[367] That was the result of what happened.

[368] Well, I do love food and...

[369] Can I just say you appreciate food?

[370] I do.

[371] And I think that that's the way to put it, not in Matt's crass way.

[372] And that's just more, whatever.

[373] I don't know what Matt's problem is, but I myself, Conan, being more sensitive and also a real diplomat.

[374] I think you appreciate food and I think that's a lovely quality you have.

[375] Thank you.

[376] And you're a remarkable person.

[377] Oh, wow.

[378] Okay.

[379] But I do notice in a lot of the food ads, you're always like, hey, Sona, you like this food.

[380] And then I'll always have to be like, yeah, I love that food.

[381] And then that's like the ad.

[382] Would you like me to show a montage over the 13 years that you've worked for me from the television show, including the tour beginning in 2010, all the way to just, last year.

[383] The montage of all the many times we've shot remotes and you happen to be eating food in the background.

[384] Would you want me to do that?

[385] I don't think so.

[386] No, I really don't want you to do that.

[387] I don't want to do it either.

[388] That would take a lot of time and money and that's a lot of footage.

[389] Okay.

[390] Trust me. I don't think there's time enough.

[391] Oh.

[392] Anyway.

[393] Yeah.

[394] Please.

[395] Well, again, apologies from Matt Goreley and a prize to Conan O 'Brien for handling this very adroitly.

[396] Oh, thank you.

[397] Here's the Award right here.

[398] Oh, beautiful.

[399] It's made of gold.

[400] All right, let's continue.

[401] Matt, take it away.

[402] Here we go.

[403] I'm in a van in Ghana.

[404] That's the music playing on a car next to me. And when I'm in Ghana, I think of one thing.

[405] Unforgettably creamy Heinz mayonnaise.

[406] Put it on a mouth -watering turkey club, mix it in with some garlic ioli.

[407] Man, you know what you're talking about.

[408] So when you're in a van, in Ghana.

[409] Make sure you have your creamy Heinz mayonnaise with you.

[410] Don't forget those new Heinz mashups.

[411] Everyone's talking about it here.

[412] Mayo chup, Mayo Q, Mayo must, and cranch, Van and Gana.

[413] Try something new.

[414] Try unforgettable creamy Heinz mayonnaise.

[415] I. Lobster bites are back at Long John Silver's me mates.

[416] The copy actually says they want me to read it this way.

[417] Now guess, guess.

[418] can set sail to Long John Silver's for a treasure of tasty delights.

[419] This is the kind of thing I would do to make fun of the ad or just be, or whatever.

[420] This is how I order a pizza when I order a pizza over the phone.

[421] Anyway, made of wild -caught 100 % Norway lobster tail, Long John Silver's lobster bites, a pair of the sweetness of lobster tail with a light buttery breading.

[422] Hey, a light buttery breading to pack a flavor adventure and every bite.

[423] Yep.

[424] They got those lobster bites and fish combo.

[425] Yeah, that's got one side, two hush puppies, and a drink, or go bigger with their lobster bites and fish platter, with two sides and two hush puppies.

[426] I don't know why Kennedy came in.

[427] Anyway, go even, beggar, with the lobster bites family feast with your choice of fish or chicken.

[428] Lobster bites, your choice of two sides and eight hush puppies.

[429] So now it's Kennedy and the pirate.

[430] A pirate.

[431] Anyway, long John Silver's offers a. abundant seafood variety and a great prices.

[432] Order in restaurant or sail past the line with online ordering at LJ

[433].Silvers .com

[434] for