Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard XX
[0] Hi, I'm Monica, a .k .a. miniature mouse.
[1] I love boys.
[2] But I don't have one.
[3] And in fact, I've never had one.
[4] I could probably count on two hands how many dates I've been on in my entire life.
[5] And I decided it's time to change that.
[6] Hi, I'm Jess, and I love boys too.
[7] And in the opposite way of Monica, I can't count on all the hands in America how many people I've had sex with.
[8] And yet, I still don't have a boyfriend.
[9] And I want one.
[10] And I'm Dax.
[11] And I love Monica and Jess in so many ways.
[12] They don't have partners.
[13] And that is a huge mystery to me because they're both incredibly attractive, so fun, so smart, and have so much to offer.
[14] So what we decided to do is examine these unhealthy patterns and bring in experts and outsiders to help critique us, advise us, guide us, pretty much called bullshit on us, so that we can find the romantic companion that we're looking for.
[15] We started this thinking it was going to be just cute little dating challenges that we would go on and talk about and laugh about.
[16] Turns out it is very hard to be vulnerable in real time in public.
[17] Yes, I'm so excited.
[18] We're so loud.
[19] We romanticized pathological love.
[20] One to ten.
[21] How much do you want love?
[22] Go.
[23] You can't even get the sentence out.
[24] I would just eat around it.
[25] It's a little selfish.
[26] Why do I want something?
[27] And then why have I designed to defend?
[28] We must put the chum in the water for the sharks to come.
[29] Come, buddy.
[30] Monica's like, so apparently I have to join Raya this week.
[31] He likes fucking.
[32] You don't even have a kiss, a handheld, anything.
[33] Your frontal lobe is just in the way.
[34] Push -up, raw, low -cut top.
[35] That's what you should be doing.
[36] Masturbate every night.
[37] Rob's too uncomfortable for this.
[38] Please enjoy part three.
[39] Monica and Jess love motherly advice with Kristen Bell.
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[61] Monica don't like, Monica don't like boys, Monica love.
[62] Welcome to episode 3.
[63] Three of Monica Dress La Boys.
[64] Monica Dress Not Boys.
[65] We have a very special mom on our show today.
[66] My mom, Kristen Bell.
[67] I'm so excited to be here with my two first -born children.
[68] One younger, one older than you.
[69] Yeah, but that's not how it works.
[70] Families come in all shapes and sizes.
[71] Age is irrelevant.
[72] And height.
[73] And heights, yeah.
[74] And you two are like.
[75] my children and sometimes like my parents for sure well because no jess and i you monica you're obviously a lot like my mom because you're um just better at things than i am but uh and you keep everything on track but jess is also someone that i've gone to and i've had problems and like i need an evolved perspective because i'm feeling like a rebellious teenager and jess always helps me so in that case you're kind of like my father oh wow nice daddy issue hey hey We all have them.
[76] Yeah, we do.
[77] So we'll start with, I guess, talking about our challenges from last week.
[78] And in full honesty, it's been more than a week.
[79] But we did have to complete our challenge within the week, and we both did that.
[80] Just tell us about what happened when you deleted for five days.
[81] So my challenge was to delete all my dating and sex apps for five days.
[82] I deleted all of them, and there's four of them.
[83] Grindr?
[84] Tinder, Scruff, and Hinge.
[85] I've never heard of Scruff.
[86] Scruff is in the gay community a little bit more older, a little bit more hairier, a little bit more bears.
[87] Bears.
[88] Is it only gay community?
[89] Yes.
[90] That's why I haven't heard of it.
[91] Sure.
[92] But it's the same people.
[93] Yeah.
[94] Pretty much.
[95] They're all the same people.
[96] A lot of overlap, yeah.
[97] So I deleted them.
[98] Pretty scary.
[99] Day one was a little hard.
[100] Day two, more of a a gut reaction going to my phone, and then it got a little easier.
[101] I did feel like, by the way, I didn't go on one date or text one person or have sex at all for a week.
[102] So what if that's better or worse?
[103] I don't know, but that was really funny that it sure did cut off all communication, all hookups and all dates and all that.
[104] So it shows that that's your primary source of finding people.
[105] Yes.
[106] Granted, I had seven or eight people in rotation, in queue on my phone that I've been talking to with 818 numbers, 213 numbers.
[107] I don't know who, because I haven't met them yet.
[108] They don't get a name in my phone until I meet them.
[109] So I'm talking with a lot of 818 numbers and 310 numbers.
[110] But I didn't reach out to them either.
[111] And guess what?
[112] They didn't reach out to me either in that week.
[113] Yeah.
[114] That's interesting.
[115] That is interesting.
[116] Then I felt a little bit more present with my friends.
[117] I felt a little bit more present with my family when I hang out with them.
[118] I did catch myself more on Instagram and more on Catan when I was on my phone.
[119] So I do think the phone is more of an addiction than the apps.
[120] It's grabbing it, it's holding it.
[121] It is the phone.
[122] I played a lot of Catan.
[123] I hate how much I use my phone.
[124] And if I don't have work to do, I'll find myself going for it.
[125] I'm like, you don't have any work to do.
[126] Stop reaching for it.
[127] But there are other times when I just want to be on it because I want to be inside my head.
[128] And if you don't have it in your hand, then everybody's talking to you.
[129] And sometimes I use it as a safety net too Where I want to be an introvert And I just want to be alone inside my own head Right Sometimes I'll just go on and like Look at my contacts for duplicate contacts And just delete them But because it feels a little bit like the The technological version of cleaning your junk drawer I don't know Yeah another good hack for that Is going through emails and unsubscribing That feels real good Feels almost as good as blocking people I've never blocked You haven't?
[130] You got, I thought I wasn't being nice.
[131] And my husband blocks anyone and everyone.
[132] And he was just like, yeah, because I don't want my social channels to be a place for toxicity.
[133] So if you're going to be mean, you can't be a part of it.
[134] Yeah.
[135] That is a big part of Grindr is blocking people.
[136] And it's very hurtful and also save so much time.
[137] Yeah.
[138] I block often because it's a clear, no. You don't have to be friends with everyone is something I've been saying to myself for like five years.
[139] And it feels awful, but it also feels really healthy.
[140] And I think that, you know, humans don't like to reject or be rejected, but it is okay.
[141] Like, I guess I'm trying to think of even on where.
[142] Well, you can block texts.
[143] You have never done that.
[144] I told you the other night, I got a random phone call.
[145] Someone said, Kristen, how are you?
[146] I said, good.
[147] And then they hung up and then immediately started getting dick picks.
[148] My God, you didn't forward that.
[149] I was just going to say you should afforded them to get.
[150] Were they nice?
[151] Sure, they were, well, not, I don't know if I could judge because if I don't want to see a penis, it's not going to be nice.
[152] If I'm not in the mood to see a penis, there's no penis that I'm going to be like, I wasn't in the mood, but hold on, that's beautiful.
[153] I'm just like, no. I would.
[154] My answer is no. Right, sure.
[155] You're always in the mood, though.
[156] That's the difference.
[157] That really is actually the difference.
[158] It's not even a joke.
[159] Like, Kristen obviously does not have any desire to see a random person's penis.
[160] And you always have the desire to.
[161] Well, but everybody's different.
[162] And I'm sure that there are, like, I'm sure Jackie would want to see penises, even when she wasn't, like, thinking.
[163] Even when she's taken?
[164] Sure.
[165] She would be like, let me just grab a look.
[166] Like, I feel that way by dogs.
[167] I want to see every dog.
[168] Doesn't matter if I'm in the middle of writing my thesis for college.
[169] I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get a look at that dog.
[170] But I have a real quick question about blocking on Grindr.
[171] So do you get a notification when somebody blocks you?
[172] They disappear.
[173] So you have a whole chat and then it vanishes.
[174] How does it feel to get?
[175] Get blocked.
[176] I'm used to it and I enjoy it and I laughed.
[177] Oh, tons of times.
[178] I told this last time I don't give my Instagram out and I gave my Instagram to someone.
[179] I'm like, I'm going to be more involved and fine.
[180] If you're going to know me or meet me, I'll give you my Instagram.
[181] And as soon as I gave my Instagram, I got blocked.
[182] For whatever reason, I rarely get my feelings hurt because I don't like not knowing.
[183] Ambiguity for me is like that.
[184] That's one reason that I love talking to you.
[185] about my problems, Jess.
[186] It's because you are so evolved in knowing who you are and your worth.
[187] You have like accepted in your bone marrow that you are for some people and you're not for others.
[188] And the flip side works too.
[189] Some people are for you and some people are not for you.
[190] And I just, yeah, this whole thing with blocking people, it's like some people are going to like you.
[191] Some people aren't.
[192] You're going to like some people.
[193] You're not.
[194] It goes both ways, I guess.
[195] And for dating, especially it saves time.
[196] If I'm playing the Jess game, which is 5 ,000 guys a year.
[197] The blocking helps.
[198] You're going to say, okay, great, onward and upward.
[199] Because blocking in that case is mainly used as a, like, permanent no. That's kind of what they're saying.
[200] They're not saying you've done something offensive.
[201] I'm blocking you.
[202] You're my permanent no. Okay, but you didn't love getting blocked.
[203] I know that you didn't.
[204] Oh, that wasn't actually blocking that I'm thinking.
[205] What are you thinking of?
[206] The story you said when you went on the date, and then he said wasn't a match.
[207] See, that time, I'll just say it, we were going to have sex.
[208] I had to prepare for this sex, and it didn't work.
[209] I had to be cleaned out.
[210] You weren't prepped.
[211] I was prepping, and I couldn't.
[212] And I was thinking about lying to him saying something came up or an audition.
[213] But is it no option to, again, just sort of like peel back all these layers that humans deal with of just saying, I'm so sorry.
[214] I'd love to have sex.
[215] I couldn't evacuate, so it's just not going to be clean.
[216] I did.
[217] So I called him, and I explained it, and he laughed.
[218] So let's just go on a date now instead.
[219] And he said, great.
[220] So that's why when I got over there, I think it stung a little bit more because we weren't going to have sex.
[221] He canceled on the date.
[222] That's why I was triggered.
[223] And that's why I went to a Korean spa 15 minutes afterwards and jerked off in a steam room with a guy.
[224] And that's why half hour after that, I went to happy hour and four drinks.
[225] And it's all textbook.
[226] When you've said, it's not a match, whether you've seen them or blocked them or said no to a date or said no to sex, have you ever thought about what their processing might be like, having been rejected?
[227] Like, has that ever run through your head of like, oh, I hope he doesn't go home and, you know, have all these rejection feelings?
[228] No. I don't have a lot of codependency as far as other people.
[229] you think it's learned perhaps like this community has all these rules and all these boundaries I mean just like the straight community does but very learned and very rule of 50 ,000 hours 10 ,000 hours Malcolm Gladwell yeah but I'm going to go 50 ,000 hours I feel like from the stories I hear the process that you go through feels so compartmentalized this is sex period this is a date period this it's like I I'm not used to that I'm Well, the straight community doesn't take it like that, and that's partially because we tell, you know, girls growing up, like, don't ever let anyone deflower you, but be pretty.
[230] You're so pretty, but don't ever let anyone touch you.
[231] Yeah.
[232] Have sex.
[233] You have to fall in love.
[234] You have to fall in love, which I think is baloney.
[235] And I actually think it's kind of a great thing, the compartmentalization, because humans do have sexual urges.
[236] You want to take care of them safely and comfortably.
[237] And there's an etiquette to it with the water or whatever.
[238] but there is there in this you know what I mean there's this and then you go like oh I had to do I had an itch I needed it scratched you also had an itch you you got it scratched and I think the only time that that backfires is like when we're in a situation now where you guys might be looking for something that appeals to you in the longer term like if you actually just want to be single I don't think there's anything wrong with participating in that compartmentalization because everybody's got sexual urges and you need to get them out or you'll go insane and I think we do go insane as human beings when we don't let them out but you just have to make sure it's consensual and safe and yeah everyone's on the same page everyone's on the same page yeah that is true but then if you've declared that you want something more you want a relationship it gets muddy if then you're still doing the sex transaction but you also want that but that's why it doesn't work if you still do that it's the reason dachs got sober dachs didn't get sober because he missed Christmas or was seen by a hundred cars shitting on the side of the road in Santa Monica or almost got killed in Hawaii.
[239] Like those things didn't get him sober.
[240] What got him sober is he said, hmm, let me look at the math of my life.
[241] If I want to have a wife and a family and sit by a Christmas tree on December 25th, I probably can't be doing this, this, drugs and this kind of a lifestyle.
[242] So I always work from the solution backwards.
[243] What do I want?
[244] Okay, if I want, let's say somebody wants a completely stable family, then you begin to look for that and that involves cutting some other things that might have been fun or short -term or instant gratification cutting those out.
[245] Yeah.
[246] It's exactly something when you're like, I want abs this year.
[247] Okay, well, then you got to cut back on the cake and you got to go to the gym.
[248] Like, everything takes work, but there is a result that you wanted at the end.
[249] Well, it's the difference between wanting something and committing to something.
[250] so I can want a lot of things I could want to win the lottery I could want to be a series regular I'm not committed to doing that and that's why this whole thing is so interesting to me because I am starting to make small changes you know I went on a date the other day and I really said no we're not having sex and then the date progressed and he was pushing it and I'm like no if I know it'll happen if we go back to my house let's just and I tried to end this date four times but then the date lasted seven hours and we had sex.
[251] And I was just...
[252] You caved.
[253] Yeah, you did.
[254] And I wanted to cut that date into four.
[255] I want to get to know someone on smaller increments.
[256] My friend Katie has a fun tally where she says she has to know someone for 24 hours before having sex with them.
[257] But so she has to know them.
[258] So she has to go on the equivalent of dates that add up to 24 hours before.
[259] And that was her saying, it's not healthy for me. Or I'm just having sex too easily and I'm not loving it.
[260] It feels empty probably.
[261] Yeah, for her, I think it felt empty.
[262] And she was like, great.
[263] So I'll just, I got a number.
[264] It's 24 if I've known for 24 hours.
[265] So sometimes that's five dates that last longer.
[266] Sometimes that's 10 dates.
[267] Yeah.
[268] That's interesting.
[269] Sometimes it's one full day where it's just a great day.
[270] But that was her marker.
[271] But we have to figure out a way to get you capable of saying, I'm going to press pause now.
[272] And let's resume tomorrow or next week.
[273] I already know what the issue is.
[274] It's drinking.
[275] It's going on these dates and having two drinks, three drinks.
[276] Then the things that I wanted go into there are shaved off a little, gets a little fun.
[277] And then I start getting Lucy Goosey.
[278] He starts getting Lucy Goosey.
[279] Yeah, the conviction starts disappearing.
[280] That's exactly what happened on that one.
[281] When you go on these dates, is there any discussion up front?
[282] Not that this might be too much pressure, but is there any discussion or maybe it's it's in the app, in their bio, of like, what you want.
[283] When you start to sit down and get to know everyone, do you ever say, like, what's your end goal?
[284] Like, are you looking for something committed or are you just, like, hanging out?
[285] Like, does that ever get clarified for either person?
[286] That's a great question.
[287] That's in some people's Tinder bio.
[288] Mine is up in the air because I think things happen in the moment and organically what you feel like it's going to be.
[289] I don't like having a whole bunch of rules.
[290] And I do think some people on the...
[291] the apps are forcing sex too much and I do think some people on the apps are forcing dating too much like I want to find my partner in crime I'm a long term related only I want to find my right I want to find the guy that I delete this app for I want to fucking throw up like I'm I'm only into long term relationships I want to be like long term relationships happen they you can't look for them well well but those people have probably been through a long roller coaster of going what is healthiest for me?
[292] I want this.
[293] So I'm going to be very blunt and just say, look, I have to check these boxes.
[294] So if you're not in the mood, if you just want to hang out...
[295] I don't think I'd be going on a date with anyone that's super strict about whatever it is.
[296] But why look at it as strict?
[297] Why not look at it as...
[298] Knowing what they want.