Armchair Anonymous: Black Friday

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] You did it.

[6] Right now, potentially.

[7] As we speak.

[8] As we speak.

[9] You're being killed in a Black Friday sale.

[10] Yes.

[11] What timing.

[12] If you were listening to this in your earbook, while there was a riot happening around you at a audio video store, the Sim has a sense of humor.

[13] Sure does.

[14] Someone's going to be witnessing something bonkers while they listen to this.

[15] It's just odds -wise, we have the numbers to suggest that someone will witness something while listening to this.

[16] What upcoming prompts is going to be, has the thing ever happened to you while you're listening to an episode of the thing?

[17] Like six years from now, I think we'll have enough to do.

[18] But this is about the craziest thing people have witnessed on Black Friday.

[19] And this was fucking wild.

[20] So funny.

[21] I don't know who thought of this prompt, but it was the best prompt.

[22] Do you remember who thought of this?

[23] Who deserves credit?

[24] I think it was me. But I could be wrong.

[25] It's such a good prompt.

[26] I could be wrong.

[27] I'm mad I didn't think of it.

[28] But we have people that were both customers.

[29] We have employees.

[30] We have it all.

[31] And they're hair racing.

[32] Yeah.

[33] In some cases, life -threatening.

[34] I mean, it gets so bonkers.

[35] I loved this one.

[36] This was really, really great.

[37] So happy Black Friday shopping to everyone.

[38] If you're witnessing something, do I have any advice?

[39] You know, be as tall as you can in a riot.

[40] You want to go see what's coming your way.

[41] Like it's a bear.

[42] You get big.

[43] Get big.

[44] Find something to stand on.

[45] Try to figure out what direction the mayhem's moving in and move out of it.

[46] Oh, my God.

[47] I'm so excited for shopping.

[48] I've thought about it like six or seven times in the past two weeks looking forward to I'm going with Callie we're going to Brentwood Country Mart.

[49] That's what someone's going to see on Black Friday.

[50] Someone's going to be at the Country Mart listening to this episode and they're going to see Callie and Monica.

[51] I know.

[52] And that's great.

[53] Come say hi if you do.

[54] There's media only barely mediocre sales there.

[55] Right.

[56] But we're still going.

[57] I'm very excited.

[58] Buy them something if you see them.

[59] Oh, that would be great.

[60] Just walk up to them and hand them get.

[61] Okay, don't trap me into this.

[62] So anything you want, bring it up to the counter and say, put it on Monica Padman's credit card.

[63] You'll have left your credit card at many of the outlets there.

[64] I'll leave it on.

[65] I'll put an armchair expert card out.

[66] Don't go to that thing, whatever it was you're going to the Brentwood market.

[67] It's not safe.

[68] I'll be there in a monster truck doing donuts and I might kill people in accidents.

[69] So stay away.

[70] All right.

[71] Please enjoy crazy Black Friday stories.

[72] All times come and go.

[73] Take them slow.

[74] You got to know I'm going to keep on shining.

[75] Hello.

[76] Hello.

[77] How are you?

[78] Are we fellow Michiganders?

[79] We are.

[80] I currently reside in Phoenix, but I've only been here for two years.

[81] But yes, I'm from Michigan.

[82] Look at this beautiful.

[83] beautiful map you have behind you of the lower peninsula and the Uper, and it seems to be divided up into counties?

[84] Yeah, that's right.

[85] I had it custom made.

[86] Why break it into counties?

[87] What's your interest?

[88] I moved all around the different counties, so I wanted it to represent a little bit of every single county that I moved into.

[89] And Phoenix, how is it treating you?

[90] Phoenix has been treating me well.

[91] It's 80 degrees, and it's almost Halloween.

[92] And they don't do Devil's Night there, so you don't have to, like, Quake and Fear on the 30.

[93] No, you don't have to make sure you're in by like 5 .30 p .m. So weird.

[94] I have your fire extinguisher at the ready at all times.

[95] Yeah.

[96] Definitely don't miss that.

[97] Okay, Sean, you have a crazy Black Friday story.

[98] I do.

[99] So this happened, I want to say about 19 years ago.

[100] I was 13 years old.

[101] Only thing I wanted for Christmas was a laptop.

[102] Don't know what I was going to do with this laptop, but I wanted it.

[103] Sure.

[104] Walmart has them on sale on Black Friday for $250.

[105] So my mom's like, if you want this laptop, you have to come with me and we have to go get it and you have to try to get it.

[106] I like this.

[107] So we're at this Walmart.

[108] It's about four something in the morning.

[109] I'm excited.

[110] I'm like, I'm going to get myself a laptop.

[111] I'm pumped.

[112] My mom breaks down this game plan for us, which all the time sounds like a great plan.

[113] She says, we're eighth in line.

[114] There's only 15 of these.

[115] scary yeah this is when things were very limited you know 2003 there was like 15 of this or 10 of that so she says when those doors open you are the only young person in this line so you need to just sprint to back of walmart and get this and i'm like okay pumping myself up i'm going to sprint back there wait can i ask you a quick question did you do any reconnaissance did you go to the walmart so you know exactly where to run yes my mom did Oh, smart.

[116] She's been doing this years prior.

[117] So she says, actually, you're thinking you should go back to the electronic station, but they put high ticket prices somewhere else.

[118] So she tells me they're going to be in like the bikes area.

[119] Oh, my God.

[120] They make it hard for people.

[121] And your mom's got the intel.

[122] So the doors open and I immediately sprint in there.

[123] It's complete pandemonium.

[124] And sure enough, I get the laptop and make it back there.

[125] I'm like the fourth person who gets back there and I'm able to get this laptop.

[126] Super pumped.

[127] Now the plan is to find my mom.

[128] 2003, no cell phone.

[129] So laptop underneath my arm.

[130] I'm walking, looking for my mom.

[131] All of a sudden, a woman comes up to me and immediately shoves a shopping part directly into my chest and stomach and just takes the win out of me. No. To the ground and drop the laptop.

[132] Oh.

[133] And she grabs it.

[134] And she grabs it and walks away.

[135] No. She batter rammed you when it became dislaught.

[136] She grabbed it.

[137] She grabbed it.

[138] I'm crying.

[139] My stomach's hurting.

[140] And the worst part of it all is no one stopped to help me. I'm a child at this point.

[141] I'm 13.

[142] This is a grown lady who did this.

[143] At least 40.

[144] Oh.

[145] So I'm now crying because I'm in an excrues.

[146] shrew shading pay, but because I just lost my only Christmas gift that I asked for.

[147] Yes.

[148] Oh, it's a double whammy.

[149] So I get up and my mom comes around the corner and she's like, why are you crying thinking I'm crying because I didn't get the laptop?

[150] I explained to her what happened.

[151] And my mom's RN, she's a nurse.

[152] So she immediately has me take off my coat and pull my shirt up to look for like injuries.

[153] And sure enough, the imprint of the shopping car is like on my chest, I'm completely red, bruising, is going to probably set in at some point, and I watch a flame go off in my mom's eyes.

[154] Oh, yeah.

[155] Yeah.

[156] So now she's like dragging me by the arms, like, what does she look like?

[157] What does she look like?

[158] And we're like on a manhunt.

[159] Yes, as she should be.

[160] Yeah.

[161] So I'm like, mom, forget it.

[162] She's probably trying to check out and leave right now.

[163] So we make a quick turn and head towards the registers.

[164] And sure enough, she's at mine.

[165] Oh, boy.

[166] What happens next, it was just so quick.

[167] My mom releases me and now she's on top of this woman completely fighting her oh my yes yes and cursing and then security comes up and like pulls the two apart escorts us out and I guess the police were already in the parking lot they were ready yes they were like ready for this so now I'm hysterical because I'm injured I lost my laptop and I think my mom's going to jail oh no for a laptop you're not quite sure yet what you'll do with.

[168] So the police talked to us, they ask us all these questions, and they immediately start asking me the questions I explain what happened.

[169] They said, hey, we can take you both to jail for assault right now.

[170] One for assault of a child, and the other, because you just assaulted this adult.

[171] However, does anyone want to press charges?

[172] And so immediately, he's like telling this woman that, hey, assault of a child's going to go down a lot harder.

[173] I advise you not to press charges against her.

[174] Yeah, of course.

[175] He says, I don't want to press charges.

[176] It's fine.

[177] And my mom goes, oh, I'm pressing charges.

[178] Take her to jail.

[179] And she gets handcuffed.

[180] Wow.

[181] And put in like the back of this police car.

[182] Police says you are no longer allowed in Metro Detroit Walmart.

[183] To your mother or to the woman in the car?

[184] To both of us.

[185] Everyone's lost their Walmart privileges.

[186] Everyone's lost their Walmart privileges.

[187] And I didn't get a laptop that year.

[188] Oh, no. Lost on PA.

[189] Given now you're some years away from the event, would you have preferred that your mother confronted her and then you received the computer and then you ended up with it?

[190] Or do you like exactly how it went down?

[191] I love how it went down.

[192] Yeah.

[193] It was very satisfactory.

[194] I think I got a PlayStation that year.

[195] Oh, wow.

[196] So had you ever seen your mom in action like that, or was that the first time?

[197] I know that my mom responds very quickly, but it's very verbal.

[198] But I think seeing her child being injured by just really set something off.

[199] She was there for the DVDs.

[200] $5 DVDs.

[201] The cart was loaded.

[202] She just abandoned this car.

[203] Like, her whole mission was over once she saw, this is square grid on her child's chest.

[204] Yes.

[205] Oof.

[206] And then someone ended up with that $250 laptop, which is crazy.

[207] And they don't even know when they turned it on what led to it.

[208] Yeah.

[209] It's crazy.

[210] It took a few years before I went Black Friday shopping again.

[211] Okay, so it didn't soil it all together.

[212] It sounds like your mother was not going to let that stop her from.

[213] It sounds like she was a pro.

[214] I think she went to Target.

[215] These places have had to have been sued over the years, right?

[216] I mean, you just can't unleash 1 ,000 people into something with that limited of resources.

[217] 15.

[218] Yeah, it's total chaos.

[219] And I think that's why they started to change the amount of the items.

[220] I mean, it was bad.

[221] Like, I'm sobbing, looking for my mom, and no one's stopping.

[222] No one's caring.

[223] Right.

[224] They're all there to get that fucking cabbage patch doll.

[225] $25 bike that your kid can't ride because there's a blizzard on Christmas in Michigan.

[226] Oh, man. We snap right into that primitive life or death.

[227] 100%.

[228] Yeah.

[229] Wow.

[230] Black Friday.

[231] What a story.

[232] I'm kind of envious.

[233] Of her mom.

[234] To get to see your parent defend you is got to be a pretty.

[235] Here's the problem.

[236] When I was with my dad, people weren't fucking with me. It was quite clear he was ready to get hostile at any moment.

[237] So I didn't really, you know.

[238] That's true.

[239] Now, oh, that's not true.

[240] Oh, and it's one of the finest days.

[241] And again, like you, it was followed by something really traumatic, but ultimately worth it.

[242] So I'm swimming at a neighbor's house.

[243] I stay with my grandparents in the summer in Livonia.

[244] Nice.

[245] My best friend lives in Livonia currently.

[246] Okay, boom.

[247] I'm at a neighbor's house swimming.

[248] I did this all the time.

[249] That neighbor had their family member over this man. And this man got really drunk.

[250] And he was fucking weird.

[251] And I was swimming.

[252] And then he jumped in and he thought a funny game would be to hold me underwater.

[253] and he's hammered and I'm trying to get away from him and he's clawing at me and he scratches my back up terribly bad I get out of the pool I'm on the verge of crime but I'm not going to show that because it's at this girl Danielle's house who I'm in love with so I leave immediately I walk into my grandma and grandpa's house my papa bob at the time's probably 68 ex golden gloves boxer big guy I come in start crying immediately what happened Mr. Fox's brother and I turn around my whole back is scratch marks and Papa Bob fucking stands up marches over to the house I'm trying to follow my grandmas don't go over let Papa just handle it I get myself away from her and by the time I get to the backyard Papa Bob's got this guy on the ground and he's like you ever touch my kid again blah blah blah blah, blah, blah.

[254] Couple choice words and then marched back to the house.

[255] And I was like, that's right, y 'all.

[256] Papa Bob's here.

[257] That's what it is.

[258] I definitely think the scenario would have been different if my mom and I haven't separated.

[259] She targeted a lone child in Walmart.

[260] Yeah.

[261] Anyways, I felt very loved, as I'm sure you did.

[262] Same.

[263] Yeah.

[264] All right.

[265] Well, listen, happy Black Friday shopping to you.

[266] I hope you get to witness something fun and not be involved in it.

[267] And great story.

[268] Thanks for telling us, Sean.

[269] Thank you.

[270] Thanks for having me. Yeah, our pleasure.

[271] Bye.

[272] Oh, my God.

[273] I hate all these people who are hurting all these kids.

[274] There's weird people in the world, Monica.

[275] I love Black Friday.

[276] You do?

[277] Yeah, I go every year.

[278] You do?

[279] Yeah, it's Callie and I's tradition.

[280] And you get there super early and stuff?

[281] Well, not really.

[282] I mean, I wake up at like eight.

[283] You have things circled?

[284] Recently, we've been going to the Brentwood Country Mark.

[285] What's happening at the Brentwood country mark?

[286] Like Jenny Kane.

[287] She has a Black Friday sale?

[288] Most stores have 20 % off some items or something.

[289] It's not like Wal -Bart.

[290] It's not crazy.

[291] $20 laptops.

[292] Yeah, it's a racket.

[293] You know, it's a racket to get you in there, but it works.

[294] And it's fun.

[295] And we have lunch, and then sometimes wine.

[296] Always times wine.

[297] Yeah, and it's so fun.

[298] It's such a fun tradition.

[299] Oh, that's nice.

[300] Traditions are really fun.

[301] They are.

[302] I've never participated.

[303] I'll get you something from Jenny Kane this year.

[304] Okay, great.

[305] Some shoes.

[306] That's what you think I need?

[307] Yeah, I think I just learned that you think my shoe wear could come up a notch You immediately were like, I'm gonna get you shoes I'm gonna get you something like shoes.

[308] Yeah, these fucking flippers you wear every day.

[309] I love that her mom was into the DVDs because that is like a thing My Christmas list was packed with DVDs Did your mom and dad go to Black Friday's ill?

[310] Sometimes.

[311] Oh again not foreign the more But they can get wrapped up in a thing like coals.

[312] Oh, things go down at Coles.

[313] They like going to Coles.

[314] They found a Coles target.

[315] They'll do 50 % off, 80 % off.

[316] Yeah.

[317] You know who loves Cyber Mondays?

[318] So Kristen's father is undoubtedly right now already planning his attack of the online space.

[319] Oh, sure.

[320] He lives for Cyber Mondays.

[321] He'll start talking to me about it like a month beforehand.

[322] It's good to plan because things do go.

[323] That's when I do all my Christmas shopping is you just do it on Cyber Monday And then everything's done You use it a lot Yeah I don't do the Black Friday But I'll do Cyber Monday I feel like I'm really missing out On all this stuff It's the same technique right It's this day is for Christmas shopping Right That makes sense Okay JJ is here Here it comes Okay Here we go Hello We got a ringer Hello JJ how are you I'm well How are you all Are you a J crew model by chance You guys You know, you're distractingly good looking.

[324] It's really something.

[325] Thank you.

[326] You are too kind.

[327] Monica, look at the jaw.

[328] I see.

[329] Whoa.

[330] Can you see me turning red?

[331] No, your skin's too porcelain and uniform to show any colors.

[332] And a very nice outfit.

[333] Thank you.

[334] I'll tell my wife, she told me to go without the cardigan.

[335] Oh, no. Always throw on that cardi.

[336] Got her.

[337] Yeah.

[338] Okay.

[339] Okay, so, JJ, what line of work are you in?

[340] I am a pharmacist.

[341] Oh, wow, wow.

[342] God, so not only hot, but have your fingers on all the goodies.

[343] I feel good.

[344] Okay.

[345] All right, well, you're already married, so there's nothing that Monica and I can do about this.

[346] Yeah, let's just get to the story.

[347] Yeah, you were getting frustrated now.

[348] Okay, so this is a Black Friday incident.

[349] Yes, my wife actually put in my story.

[350] for me. So this has been kind of a whirlwind of the past 24 hours.

[351] Okay.

[352] It's 2004.

[353] I was in high school working my first real job as a sales associate for a now defunct electronics retailer that went by the name of Circuit City.

[354] Oh, yes.

[355] I know Circuit City.

[356] I said Circuit City today.

[357] You did?

[358] Yeah, when I was describing the restaurant we went to on, I was like the kind of strip mall that would have a Circuit City.

[359] Oh.

[360] Okay.

[361] The first memory I have, I drive up and I see these like oil barrels that have been repurposed into fire pits.

[362] So it's 3 a .m. Associates had to show up that early because the big openings at 5 a .m. And so these barrels are lit on fire.

[363] They're kind of scattered throughout the parking lot.

[364] What the fuck?

[365] It's Mad Max for sure.

[366] Yeah.

[367] They're casting these shadows and silhouettes of hundreds and hundreds of people that are lined up snaking throughout the parking lot from the entrance all the way to the back of the building.

[368] It's post -apocalyptic.

[369] It definitely felt that way.

[370] And people had to wait in lines back then because you didn't even know what you wanted, right?

[371] Until the sales ad came out.

[372] Right.

[373] The sales ad apparently had been delivered.

[374] And all of these folks are out there.

[375] And I worked in the entertainment section, which is like the television and home audio.

[376] Uh -oh.

[377] It's where they put all their best sales people.

[378] Yeah.

[379] And so we're getting prepped.

[380] Everyone's kind of excited, but also kind of nervous.

[381] And I'm, like, dusting off my badge.

[382] So around 4 a .m. We hear some gunshots.

[383] No. Yeah.

[384] It's just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

[385] That's right.

[386] Naturally, I run straight towards the source of the sound.

[387] Yeah.

[388] I'm looking out in the parking lot.

[389] There's not a lot of commotion going on.

[390] The cops had arrived very quickly, and they were apprehending two guys.

[391] And my store manager is coming back inside, and he's squeezing through the sliding front entrance.

[392] And I'm like, you know, what happened?

[393] Is everything okay?

[394] And I'll never get the look on his face.

[395] It was just of utter disappointment.

[396] You know, that look of, like, disappointment in humanity.

[397] Right.

[398] Yeah, yeah.

[399] And he's like, explains to me, one gentleman was shooting off his firearm to break up a knife fight between two other guys.

[400] One of accused the other of cutting in line.

[401] Uh -huh, sure.

[402] So the guy with the gun was actually kind of a peace officer.

[403] He's a good guy here.

[404] Yeah.

[405] The morality police.

[406] The guy discharging his firearm is a good guy.

[407] Yes.

[408] You know, what I'm not.

[409] ever forget is nobody moved.

[410] Oh my God.

[411] They wanted to protect their spot in line.

[412] That's right.

[413] Yeah, we are dealing with seasoned professionals.

[414] What is wrong with everybody?

[415] You got to get that stereo equipment, man. What year was this?

[416] 2004.

[417] I think it's important for context.

[418] People now take it for granted that you can go to Costco and get a 75 -inch TV for $800.

[419] 2004, the plasma TV was brand new on the scene.

[420] I'll admit something that's so embarrassing.

[421] It's my most ostentatious purchase of my life.

[422] I was doing a movie at Sony called Zathura.

[423] I found out you got a 50 % discount.

[424] I bought a 64 inch plasma XBR TV that retailed for 23 ,000.

[425] And I bought it for 11 ,000 because I was saving 11 ,000.

[426] It's the stupidest thing I ever bought.

[427] I knew if I was ever broke, I'd look at that purchase.

[428] But it was a different time.

[429] These TVs represented something incredibly significant.

[430] To have one was a big status symbol.

[431] And so to get one for half price at Circuit City was a different scenario than it is today.

[432] We need to acknowledge that.

[433] I'm so glad you brought that up because we could just nerd out, I think, over that.

[434] The plasma, they were outrageous, astronomically priced.

[435] LCD hadn't really entered the market and pushed it off yet.

[436] Right.

[437] And the technology, everyone flipped out when I saw a flat television.

[438] That was it, you know?

[439] And it was the birth of high definition.

[440] My TV, which I bought, you couldn't even see anything in HD yet.

[441] I saw it at the store.

[442] They had filmed a few hours of content in HD.

[443] And that was honestly a paradigm shift.

[444] Like, whoa, I feel like I'm there.

[445] It was a game changer.

[446] 23 ,000.

[447] Wow.

[448] Yeah.

[449] Brie was like, you're bringing a $23 ,000 TV home to our one -bedroom apartment.

[450] We spend $600 a month on rent, and I'm like, you better believe I am.

[451] Look at the savings.

[452] I know, the savings will get you.

[453] They got me. Okay.

[454] We're not finished, though.

[455] Oh, good.

[456] Yeah, oh, yeah, buckle up, Monica.

[457] And so we've got the gunshots.

[458] Life goes on, apparently, 5 a .m. comes around, and it's time to open the doors.

[459] And I don't know how the managers determined which one of them was going to open it.

[460] But the only female manager drew the short straw.

[461] I don't know if you've witnessed this.

[462] It's such an event.

[463] You can watch videos on YouTube.

[464] but a significant concentration gradient occurs where you've got a lot of people on one side of a door and then like, you know, someone who weighs a buck 20 on the other side and the moment she flips the deadbolt, she has her nose broken.

[465] Oh!

[466] From the door retracting with such force.

[467] And it reminded me of that scene in the Lion King where Mufasa is getting trampled by the wildebeest trying to save Simba.

[468] Yeah.

[469] By the way, come on, guys.

[470] We sent the lady.

[471] I mean, we honestly, we sent the lady up front.

[472] I know.

[473] I'm not happy to admit that.

[474] I'm in the back of the store ready to go.

[475] It wasn't my call.

[476] I wouldn't have done that.

[477] Okay.

[478] But unlike Mufasa, she gets up and like an absolute boss walks over to the customer service desk, grab some tissues, and just shoves them in her nostrils because we've got work to do.

[479] And at 18, if that doesn't inspire you to just.

[480] you know, take a bullet trying to sell a plasma TV with the extended warranty.

[481] I don't know what's going to get you out of the armchair.

[482] Lead by example.

[483] But this is the thing.

[484] How did the managers of these stores convince these kids working that all of this is worth the $4 .99 they're making an hour?

[485] At 18, and this goes for all age groups, I think, but definitely for younger ones, where you have no prior experience to base something off of.

[486] And you can normalize anything.

[487] Knife fights, gunshots, broken noses, and we still have one more to go.

[488] And I'm just going, oh, okay.

[489] Sure, sure.

[490] Also, when you're 18, you like some action.

[491] I like some action.

[492] You're talking about girlfriends?

[493] Because that's the whole reason I'm there is, like, to make some spending money to take my girlfriend next door to Applebee's.

[494] There's that.

[495] But then there's also just, if shit's going down in my town, I want to see it.

[496] Like, I've got an appetite for action at 18.

[497] They didn't send me to war.

[498] So let's see what we got, Milford, Michigan.

[499] We keep rolling for a whole 45 minutes without incident.

[500] There are two groups, Black Friday mornings.

[501] You've got the first group who, like, camped out in the parking lot.

[502] They're going to get in and out of your store with the sale items that they came for.

[503] And then there's a second group.

[504] And these people also spent a really long time in line and out in the cold.

[505] And these folks come in to discover you have a finite inventory.

[506] Oh, shit.

[507] Yeah.

[508] And you're breaking bad news left in.

[509] right.

[510] And, you know, you're saying things like, no, sir, we don't have that computer package anymore.

[511] It's sold out.

[512] Or, you know, ma 'am, I'm sorry we don't have, with that a paddle on VHS.

[513] Oh, ding, ding, dang.

[514] That was flying off the shelf in 2004.

[515] It was.

[516] I was selling it.

[517] Believe me, it's a very big title for Paramount.

[518] So I had the opportunity to break some bad news to this, who I thought was a nice, unassuming old lady.

[519] I tell her we don't have the 32 -inch RCA television with the built -in DVD player that she had come for, and she immediately just starts beating me with her rolled -up Circuit City sales ad.

[520] Sure.

[521] They come with it.

[522] Okay.

[523] And she's just batting around.

[524] That's right.

[525] And I'll tell you where I went wrong.

[526] It was such a violation of social norms.

[527] I thought she had to be kidding.

[528] Right.

[529] Yeah.

[530] Like she's going to turn in a second and laugh.

[531] That's exactly right.

[532] So that's what I did.

[533] And I'm not laughing at her.

[534] I'm laughing like, you know, people are starting to stare at us now and we're both in on it.

[535] Ha, ha, ha, funny, funny.

[536] And then I rock eyes with her.

[537] And that was the moment I realized that only one of us thought something was funny here.

[538] She's hitting me on the shoulder at first.

[539] And that was where, like, made its way up the neck to the face area.

[540] The high value target we've already discussed.

[541] I was in high school at the time.

[542] So classic boy growing up had some experience and some fights.

[543] And so I got my defensive position.

[544] That's where you make some good fists and you bring them up to your face and then you curl up into a ball on the ground.

[545] And she's just going whole hog on me. Got my ass kicked.

[546] And is she yelling anything while she assaults you?

[547] It was hard to hear over the beating.

[548] This kind of sounded like a giant paper mache teradactyl.

[549] just flapping its wings.

[550] I'm pretty sure I made out, like, take that and who's laughing now, young man?

[551] So kind of polite still.

[552] Yeah.

[553] She didn't lose her lady -like composure balls, too.

[554] Well, she's a southern bell.

[555] Who intervened?

[556] How did this conclude?

[557] I don't know.

[558] I think a part of it just got blocked out of my memory.

[559] You know what I think happened is I think she ended up finding the TV at Best Buy.

[560] You think so?

[561] She knew she had to go elsewhere.

[562] She was like, I can't waste my time with this.

[563] I got to go get in the TV.

[564] Yeah, this isn't going to get me. me, the TV with the built -in DVD player I'm looking for.

[565] I'm taking my business elsewhere, yeah.

[566] Wow, what a great.

[567] Yeah, but I got to imagine ultimately wonderful, like a good experience.

[568] Well, it wasn't, but you kind of get some thick skin and some emotional resilience.

[569] Well, you just get a great story.

[570] Like, you were inside the belly of the beast for one of these Black Friday sales that had gunshots, knife fights, broken noses, and assaults by elderly women.

[571] I think the moral of the story is respect your elders, not because they told you to, but you need to kind of understand the inherent dangers of entering the arena of hand -to -hand combat with a senior citizen who's just found out that they're not getting that good deal.

[572] Right.

[573] All bets are off.

[574] All bets.

[575] Well, they do have a latitude.

[576] They have a leg up.

[577] Like, you're not going to punch them back.

[578] That's right.

[579] They know it.

[580] They weaponize your ethics against you.

[581] This is what some of the more rogue nations.

[582] against us.

[583] They know that we have a moral compass and they leverage it against us.

[584] That's right.

[585] That's right.

[586] Well, JJ, what a harrowing and wonderful story.

[587] It makes me pine for the days of Circuit City and crews in the aisles and dream me. And Jay Crew, let's not forget.

[588] Yeah.

[589] You guys are too nice.

[590] Hey, you know who is a bigger fan than me?

[591] Come say hey to Daxon Monaco.

[592] Hi, guys.

[593] Get in here.

[594] Get in here.

[595] I'm so excited.

[596] What's your name?

[597] My name's Anna.

[598] I'm a huge arm cherry.

[599] Just want you to know.

[600] Thank you.

[601] How long have you and JJ been an item?

[602] Like 13 years or so.

[603] Wow.

[604] Oh, wow.

[605] What do you do?

[606] He's a pharmacist.

[607] I am too.

[608] And you're a drug act.

[609] And you are too.

[610] Oh.

[611] No, I'm a pharmacist as well.

[612] Did you guys meet in school?

[613] Yeah, we went to Auburn University.

[614] Oh, uh -oh.

[615] But listen, Monica, listen, listen, listen.

[616] Roll tide.

[617] No, that's, well, they don't like that either.

[618] Absolutely not.

[619] But I do love Georgia and actually applied to go to Georgia.

[620] They have a good pharmacy school.

[621] They do.

[622] And ultimately, Auburn won out.

[623] But, you know, I will say go dogs for you.

[624] I appreciate that.

[625] That's an olive branch.

[626] I have to say one thing.

[627] Monica, my best friend and her partner are going through IVF right now.

[628] And she just did her egg retrieval last week.

[629] And your podcast is awesome.

[630] And they said it's like their therapy session every week.

[631] And they just feel.

[632] like finally like somebody's talking about it and telling them how it really is oh i love it thank you so much i hope you feel so good i do i do i do i'm proud of you thank you yeah i mean i'm happy go dogs roll that tie nope nope no one here likes that i got to make up like my own signature roll tie too too how do you how do you put up with them it's just the money i think that's a good point They hope to one day fill a prescription in Birmingham and run into either of you.

[633] Absolutely.

[634] All right.

[635] Y 'all take care.

[636] Take care.

[637] Bye.

[638] Thank you.

[639] We've all been there.

[640] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[641] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[642] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[643] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[644] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[645] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[646] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[647] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[648] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[649] What's up guys?

[650] It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[651] Okay, every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation and I don't mean just friends.

[652] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[653] So follow, watch and listen to Baby.

[654] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[655] Here's Harrison.

[656] Harry.

[657] Prince Harry.

[658] What if it's Prince Harry?

[659] He loves Black Friday.

[660] Poor Prince Harry's never been to a Black Friday sale.

[661] And yet another thing he's been robbed up.

[662] Hi.

[663] Hi, Harrison.

[664] It's so awesome to be talking with you.

[665] And that's your name Harrison.

[666] I don't have to obscure it for any kind of legal reasons.

[667] No, you can call me by my real name.

[668] I think I did commit a couple crimes in the story, but I should be fine by now.

[669] Statue of limitations is your friend.

[670] Exactly.

[671] Okay, so you have a Black Friday story.

[672] Yeah.

[673] This story takes place like 10 years ago in Omaha, Nebraska.

[674] Let me just think about that.

[675] Omaha, Nebraska.

[676] Okay, great.

[677] You're there.

[678] I'm there.

[679] Right.

[680] And wouldn't you know it takes place at a mall, which we spent a lot of our time at malls.

[681] Prior to this, I had never done anything for Black Friday.

[682] I had kind of like a pessimistic attitude towards it, waking up at 4 a .m. to go shopping.

[683] It's not really my thing.

[684] I've seen the YouTube videos of people breaking down doors and getting in fistfights for TVs.

[685] Like, not for me. But I did have like this morbid curiosity to it because I love to people watch.

[686] I have the same hobby.

[687] I love it.

[688] So this particular night, it was one of the first times that the mall was doing a midnight opening.

[689] Oh, God, this sounds dangerous.

[690] It's like they already have a bad idea.

[691] just keep trying to figure out how to make it even fucking worse and more dangerous.

[692] Let's start this thing at midnight when everyone's getting out of the bars.

[693] Oh, exactly.

[694] And that's kind of what we were thinking.

[695] We're like, oh, we can do midnight.

[696] We'll make a night of it.

[697] We'll make some drinks.

[698] We'll go to the mall.

[699] This sounds awesome, by the way.

[700] Make drinks and go to the mall.

[701] Oh, yeah.

[702] So that was the whole plan.

[703] I grabbed my girlfriend, Brittany, and my cousin Jake, and we head up to the mall, but we stop at the Nebraska version of a 7 -Eleven to get our version of big gulps, basically just trying to make the biggest cocktails we can to last us through the night.

[704] The plan is we're going to start at Dick Sporting Goods, maybe do a little shopping for ourselves, since whatever, it's Black Friday, might as well.

[705] And then we'll head into the mall and do some walking around the halls, getting a little buzz, do some people watching.

[706] Maybe we'll see some of that Black Friday chaos that we've seen on YouTube.

[707] We never make it past Dick Sporting Goods.

[708] Oh, great.

[709] We get to the store, and at first it's pretty underwhelming.

[710] It's really crowded, long lines, and the deals aren't awesome.

[711] It's essentially just a very busy day at the mall.

[712] But at midnight, so there's that.

[713] We are drinking, so, you know, having a little bit of fun at least.

[714] Brittany did find a pair of shoes that she wanted.

[715] My cousin, he grabbed a sweater, and we get in line.

[716] And to kind of put some perspective on where we're at, we entered through the parking lot entrance to Dix, and we are now all the way across, they set up these checkout kiosk right outside the mall entrance.

[717] So we have visuals on the mall.

[718] We can see inside of it.

[719] We're just not quite there yet.

[720] We're in line for like maybe 10 or 15 minutes.

[721] And we start to hear some commotion coming from inside the mall.

[722] And I'm thinking like, oh, is there a fight breaking out?

[723] It's like kind of distant.

[724] Can't really make it out.

[725] But I'm also kind of thinking like, shit, we're missing it.

[726] Like that Black Friday chaos that we wanted to see is happening elsewhere.

[727] stuck in line buying shoes.

[728] Full -priced shoes.

[729] Right.

[730] And then the yelling starts to escalate, and it becomes, like, just panicked screaming.

[731] And Dick Sporting goes, everyone in there is, like, quiet.

[732] We're trying to figure out like, okay, what's going on?

[733] Next thing we know, there is a mob of people sprinting directly at us.

[734] Oh, exiting the mall.

[735] Trying to leave.

[736] visiting the mall, it is a complete, just like, wall of terrified faces running into Dick's sporting goods.

[737] Oh, my gosh.

[738] It takes me a while to really process what's happening.

[739] People are whizzing by me, and I'm just standing there holding Britney's hand.

[740] I'm just like, what's going on?

[741] And it wasn't until this woman was kind of charging right at me, and we lock eyes.

[742] And I see just this look of absolute dread in her eyes.

[743] Like, I've never seen this face on.

[744] anyone before.

[745] It was just pure terror.

[746] Oh, my God.

[747] I will, like, never forget this woman's face.

[748] It is, like, burned in my brain.

[749] And that's when it clicks for me. We have to get the fuck out of here.

[750] Yeah.

[751] You're now thinking there's, like, a shooter inside or something.

[752] Yes, that's kind of where our heads went.

[753] So, holding Britney's hand, I start bolting to the door.

[754] We're now a part of a stampede.

[755] Like, we're fully engulfed by people.

[756] People are crashing into us.

[757] We're running through the clothing racks, just like bumping into shit.

[758] It's like the white walkers have come over the wall.

[759] Oh, absolutely.

[760] Oh, shit.

[761] I don't know where my cousin is at this point.

[762] So I'm...

[763] Fuck him.

[764] You got to get him to get him to the safety.

[765] Right.

[766] But I'm worried about him, even though he's ripped.

[767] He's older than me. There's no reason why I should feel this sort of like protection on him.

[768] But I'm screaming his name.

[769] Brittany spots him.

[770] He's running behind us behind some people.

[771] And he sees us stopping looking for him.

[772] He's like, what are you doing?

[773] Go, go, go.

[774] Oh, God.

[775] So we're taking off.

[776] It feels like we're in.

[777] in a zombie apocalypse film just like running in this stampede.

[778] We get to the exit, and at this point, there's already a bottleneck created of people trying to leave because Dix, they have these big doors, but they're more tall than wide.

[779] So it's actually quite like a narrow exit.

[780] So we're in this crowd trying to shove through, trying to get out.

[781] We're watching people.

[782] They have still bags in their hand.

[783] They have merchandise.

[784] A guy had a pair of skis.

[785] And I'm thinking, like, what the hell, assholes?

[786] Drop your shit.

[787] This is life or death.

[788] We've got to get out of here.

[789] We finally break through and we get a safe distance from the doors.

[790] We're trying to collect ourselves.

[791] We have no idea what's going on inside the mall.

[792] Adrenaline's going crazy.

[793] We run into a guy who just arrived at the mall.

[794] He comes over to us.

[795] He says, what's going on?

[796] I just got here.

[797] Did they already sell all the iPhones?

[798] Exactly.

[799] And so I have no information to give, but he then points down to my hand and he says, well, at least you made out with a pair of shoes.

[800] And so I looked down And sure enough, I just jacked the pair of Nike's that we were going to buy I was one of the assholes carrying merchandise Sure, you were a looter now Oh yeah And I wasn't the only one My cousin, he accidentally sold a sweater Sure, things happened I'm sure the ski guy didn't pay for those And we all basically just robbed Dick's sporting goods At this point, we're not going back in there to return these items either Like these are ours You'd go home Yeah, yeah.

[801] Brittany somehow made it out with her big gulp intact, fully loaded.

[802] So we spent the next 10 minutes just taking turns, slamming that down while we try to relax and figure out what the hell's happening.

[803] Cops show up and we do eventually find out what went down inside.

[804] So apparently outside one of the shops, there was a line forming and some dudes got into a little scuffle started shoving each other.

[805] One of them gets knocked into one of those metal signs.

[806] the ones kind of outside the shop that's like two for one that's hot topic or something like that it gets knocked over and as it hits the tile it makes a loud clack sound so everyone in that area assumes gunshots oh it was a false alarm not a thing it was nothing everyone's already been well they've all had the pump prime with these YouTube videos Yeah.

[807] They're waiting.

[808] They know at any moment this thing's going to pop off.

[809] So they thought it was a gunshot.

[810] Yeah.

[811] They suspect gunshots.

[812] They start panicking, picking up every shopper along with them until eventually snowballs into us, which picks us up because we felt the fear just as much as anyone else.

[813] Like, it was the most scared I've ever been of nothing.

[814] A lot.

[815] Wow.

[816] And that woman with the dread.

[817] She was running from a shooter.

[818] This would be you, Monica.

[819] A hundred percent.

[820] They even end up reopening them all after.

[821] Like, the cops come.

[822] Like, all right, everyone, chill.

[823] Like, nothing's going on.

[824] They reopen it.

[825] And we're like, nope.

[826] That was enough for you.

[827] That was enough.

[828] One mob title wave.

[829] Wow.

[830] Yeah, it was pretty terrifying.

[831] Last Black Friday experience for me, for sure.

[832] Well, you got all the upside without any of the Carnage, really.

[833] I mean, you got to get the whole mob thing, you know, the panic, the riot, you stole shit.

[834] And then really no victims other than dick.

[835] But yeah, you know, whatever.

[836] That's a bad day for dick.

[837] Yeah.

[838] We made out pretty well.

[839] We kept the shoes.

[840] My girlfriend at time, who is now actually my wife, she's actually here right now.

[841] And I know she would love to say hello if that's okay.

[842] Bring Brittany in.

[843] It's Bitney, Britch.

[844] She's the person who introduced me to armchair expert.

[845] Hi.

[846] Now, be honest, you knew you were still holding the shoes, right?

[847] Like, he painted it as you got out there, look down, oopsies.

[848] But I think we both know.

[849] You were like, fuck it.

[850] I'm not dropping these shoes.

[851] Why would I?

[852] No, I do remember that very vividly.

[853] That guy coming up, we had no idea until that guy was like, you have the shoes.

[854] Yeah, it was a total oh shit moment.

[855] I'm like, what?

[856] Yeah, these are nice people.

[857] I have a similar one, but much more culpable on my end.

[858] My cousin and my best friend Aaron Weekly and I were on a flight home from, I think, Colorado.

[859] We're going to land.

[860] My cousin's 22 or 20.

[861] We want them to buy us beer before we part ways.

[862] So we go to the closest liquor store to the airport in Detroit.

[863] We walk in, the door's wide open.

[864] The main lights aren't on, but there's other lights on, which is kind of weird.

[865] And then as we get in the store, we're hearing like a siren, but it's very muted.

[866] It's not like the kind of siren you would expect from an alarm system.

[867] But we're in there for about a minute and a half before it occurs to us.

[868] Oh, this liquor store is closed and someone broke in.

[869] And now we're here.

[870] And we're like, oh, fuck.

[871] We got to get out of here.

[872] And then we both grabbed a case of beer and then ran out and laughed.

[873] Of course.

[874] Yeah.

[875] And I think we stole a rack of cigarettes, too, that was on the counter.

[876] Okay.

[877] we were kind of thinking like well shit while we're at it we could have grabbed a couple things on the clothing rack that's the thing you get greedy in these situations that was us we're like well we intended to buy beer so we are taking some beer fuck there's a rack of cigarettes let's grab those two i guess you are in your most primal self especially you guys you were like someone's attacking us we're going to die like just grab everything yeah grab the kids grab all of our stuff Grab the skis.

[878] Grab the snowboards and the leggings.

[879] Oh, I'm so glad you guys have found each other.

[880] Oh, thank you so much.

[881] It's been a pleasure to meet both of you.

[882] Great to meet you.

[883] Okay, take care.

[884] Here comes Abby.

[885] Oh, a car.

[886] We love a car.

[887] We've not talked to anyone in a conveyance.

[888] Here we are.

[889] I was just coaching, and so I, I had to leave, and this was the closest to a closet I had.

[890] Abigail, what kind of coach are you?

[891] I coached cheerleading.

[892] Yes.

[893] I had a feeling.

[894] We all had a feeling.

[895] And part of it is that brick.

[896] All of the gyms have this brick.

[897] This is actually the high school I teach at.

[898] So I coach at my high school.

[899] Wow.

[900] The one you attended as well?

[901] Oh, no. Absolutely not.

[902] I did not cheer in high school.

[903] I'm so sorry to Monica.

[904] That's okay.

[905] It's okay.

[906] You're leaving the future.

[907] takes here in high school.

[908] Is it competition?

[909] Is it football?

[910] Is it basketball?

[911] All of it.

[912] So I coach all of it.

[913] I am really good at reading rules and getting other people to win.

[914] Okay.

[915] I love that.

[916] Okay.

[917] You had a Black Friday experience.

[918] I did.

[919] Okay.

[920] So I used to work at a department store.

[921] And on one of the Black Fridays, I had the opportunity to work, I guess, to phrase it nicely.

[922] I had a shift from 1130 p .m. on Thursday Thanksgiving.

[923] to 7 a .m. on that Friday, that was actually, like, the good shift.

[924] So as an experienced, Black Friday salesperson, I show up 30 minutes early.

[925] I'm, like, getting in there.

[926] I'm dressed up because I was supposed to be working, like, jewelry or custom something.

[927] And I was not.

[928] I show up, and my manager goes, you're going to be in children's.

[929] We've upgraded you to a manager.

[930] You're just going to figure it out.

[931] Good luck.

[932] Oh, my God.

[933] Upgrade you do it.

[934] It's like they deputized you because the bad guys are here.

[935] And they also told me that I'm working with three people who it's their third day.

[936] Oh.

[937] I get there and I'm checking people out.

[938] Wait, the store is open at 11 .30 p .m. Yeah, we opened at 6 p .m. on Thanksgiving that day.

[939] And you roll all the way through the night?

[940] Correct.

[941] Yeah, we did not close.

[942] Yeah.

[943] This has been happening lately.

[944] What year was this?

[945] This was roughly four years ago.

[946] Okay, yeah.

[947] So 2017, 18.

[948] Yeah.

[949] I don't think they do this anymore at this location.

[950] because it gets bad.

[951] I quit after this moment.

[952] So I'm in Children's, we're two hours in, and this little kid who should not be out at this hour is with their guardian, and he looks at me in the eye, and he goes, I think I'm going to throw a lot.

[953] And I said, as he does, he project out vomits all over my register counter.

[954] No. And I'm sitting there, I'm like, okay, okay, what do I do?

[955] I grab the very thin paper towels that don't actually do anything, and I'm like shoving it into one of those really tiny trash cans with the thin liners.

[956] and I hear across the department, someone go, holy shit, Abby, we knew you.

[957] And I was like, okay, okay, come back over here, finish ringing this lady out.

[958] I'm scooping throw up into a trash can.

[959] And I go into the dressing room to see what this teenager was yelling about because it's her third day and she needs money, whatever.

[960] I walk in and there is a poop that is the size of a loaf of bread.

[961] On top of a pile of clothes, it smells, it's not solid.

[962] It's disgusting.

[963] Once again, no cleaning supplies, only thin trash flanners, and add your clothes.

[964] And the kicker is in my heart, I've worked your lung.

[965] I am supposed to be cleaning the poop off and putting the clothes back out.

[966] And I'm like, I don't have time.

[967] Wait, you can't put poop clothes back.

[968] Well, it's a time of crisis.

[969] You got to make some decisions.

[970] Hold on, Abigail, Abigail.

[971] I need a little more info about the poop.

[972] So upon seeing it, was it your conclusion that someone had been trying on a garment, lost control, then took off the garment and scudoodled, or someone made a big pile and then leaned over it and used it as a toilet?

[973] What did it seem like had happened?

[974] Great question.

[975] It looked like they had maybe made a pile so I wouldn't have to clean the seat off and then had proceeded to dump on the clothes.

[976] Store policy would be for me to find the clean ones and put them back out and then and get them clean so we could still sell that.

[977] It's not a good place to work.

[978] This is why she didn't give the name of the retail store.

[979] No. And so I'm like looking at this and I'm trying to shove all these clothes into a one gallon thin plastic thing.

[980] From the little tiny trash can in the corner.

[981] Yes.

[982] And already there's a trash can of puke still under the register because I don't have anywhere to take it.

[983] So I'm walking my bag of poop flows back and I get in there and it's a cube.

[984] There's two registers and two registers.

[985] It stinks.

[986] I go another two hours.

[987] Hold on, hold on.

[988] Abigail, you brought it back to your station.

[989] There's nowhere else to put it.

[990] There's no back room of this place or stairwell.

[991] Not anywhere where I could take it and not get yelled out by my manager for leaving.

[992] So I have bag of poop, bucket of puke, under the register.

[993] We're going, we're going.

[994] Can you even wash your hands?

[995] I mean, your hands are covered in puke and poop.

[996] It's all I can think about.

[997] I had sanitizer.

[998] It was kind of fine.

[999] So I am now ringing people out again.

[1000] And this lady comes up and she has probably $500 worth of infant baby clothes.

[1001] And she goes, I have a coupon.

[1002] And I was like, ma 'am, there are no coupons.

[1003] It's Black Friday.

[1004] Everything's on sale.

[1005] And she goes, it's this one.

[1006] And it's clearly something she made or got off the internet.

[1007] And I'm like, ma 'am, I'm so sorry to tell you this.

[1008] I can't take your coupon.

[1009] She whips out a pocket knife and says, give me the discount.

[1010] Internally, I'm going, I have a few options here.

[1011] I could walkie -talkie and risk getting stabbed and know that security's not going to come because I'm on the other end of where security is in the building.

[1012] I could just give her what she wants and then get fired or and then this is what I choose to do.

[1013] I don't know why.

[1014] I said, ma 'am, you can stab me. I beg you, please just do it now.

[1015] Maybe I'll get to go home.

[1016] Wow.

[1017] Gangster.

[1018] There's a need.

[1019] closes her knife, walks out and I scoop her $500 worth of clothes into the puke bucket and say, I can help whoever is next.

[1020] Oh, my God.

[1021] Wait, you're getting unhinged.

[1022] Yeah, it's like you're processing refugees coming off of a boat.

[1023] You're in wartime.

[1024] You're making crazy decisions.

[1025] Also, yeah, because you were trying to salvage clothes with poop.

[1026] And now you put clean clothes into a bunch of puke.

[1027] None of this is adding up.

[1028] I have a hunch what happened between the poop and the knife.

[1029] I know exactly what happened.

[1030] When that knife came out, you're like, I'm fucking out of here.

[1031] And I might be out of here on this shit.

[1032] I'm done.

[1033] And so fuck these clothes.

[1034] Right?

[1035] I was so over it and I was like, I do not even care because I know that the clothes are worth maybe 50 cents.

[1036] Uh -huh.

[1037] They mark them up so much.

[1038] I was just so over it.

[1039] So I was like, screw it.

[1040] Who's next?

[1041] Like, let's keep this line going.

[1042] Yes.

[1043] I was so tired.

[1044] I was so over it.

[1045] It was like four in the morning and I had three hours left and I was like, if I get stabbed, I might be able to go home.

[1046] Yes.

[1047] Wow.

[1048] It was bad.

[1049] Was that your last shift ever there?

[1050] Unfortunately, no, because I was a broke college kid.

[1051] So I made it until I got to my student teaching semester where my beautiful and wonderful grandmother then was like, you're going to live with me and not work there.

[1052] Okay.

[1053] I like that.

[1054] When your shift concluded, whose responsibility was all the buckets in the trash bags?

[1055] Did you then get a cart and take them somewhere to an incinerator?

[1056] Where'd all that shit end up?

[1057] Did the person just inherit it?

[1058] I was instill and like a rule following employee.

[1059] So I took my bucket and bag to the best of my ability and walked it down to the loss prevention area and said, here you go.

[1060] There's some loss that has occurred today.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] And they said, oh, you didn't clean it?

[1063] And I said, no. So how would you have cleaned it?

[1064] You don't have a washer and dryer in your cube, do you?

[1065] No. I was supposed to figure it out.

[1066] And I was like, mm, I figured out.

[1067] Most things, there was a lot of angry people.

[1068] I'd cleaned up puke and poop just fine.

[1069] But the second that knife came out, I was like, I am done.

[1070] While she had a weapon was not the angriest or scariest woman there.

[1071] It was just the most absurd choice in reaction to what I had said.

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] So I had been cuss at.

[1074] I mean, retail is hard, but Black Friday, everything is said.

[1075] It is just nuts.

[1076] My character was attacked.

[1077] And I was like, I get a $10 an hour.

[1078] This is heartbreaking.

[1079] Abigail, I do hope, though, that over the last four years, when times get tough at the school you're teaching at, we all have bad days, I do hope it's been a really helpful thing to look back and go, you know, there's not shit and puke under my feet.

[1080] No one's got a knife at me. It could be worse.

[1081] Yeah.

[1082] Oh, Abigail.

[1083] I'm glad you made it out.

[1084] Me too.

[1085] And to all the brave men and women out there in retail who are dealing with this insanity, you know, we tilt our hat to you.

[1086] Really?

[1087] We salute you.

[1088] You're a hero, Abigail.

[1089] Thank you.

[1090] I feel like I did my time, and now I can move on.

[1091] Yeah, you served.

[1092] Oh, well, what a delight that was for us, not you.

[1093] All right, well, be well, thanks for telling us that story.

[1094] It was great meeting you.

[1095] Yeah, it was great meeting you.

[1096] Thank you.

[1097] Bye.

[1098] Okay, bye -bye.

[1099] Bye.

[1100] Wow, those were fun.

[1101] That's crazy.

[1102] I had over -delivered from my expectations.

[1103] It did.

[1104] I'm glad that there were people on both sides of the line.

[1105] Me too.

[1106] Employees and shoppers.

[1107] I love shopping.

[1108] Okay.

[1109] Well, hopefully you'll come back from your Black Friday this year with some stories to report.

[1110] Well, you will, even if nothing happens.

[1111] We know that about you.

[1112] Well, one time, I guess this must have been like six years ago or more.

[1113] I went to Black Friday with a friend and her mom.

[1114] We went at midnight.

[1115] Oh.

[1116] And we went to the Beverly Center.

[1117] We did some shopping, fine, good.

[1118] But here's a critical mistake we made.

[1119] We went until H &M, I want to say, and they gave us these scratch tickets.

[1120] Oh, wow, like a lottery.

[1121] Basically, like, you scratch it off and you get some amount off.

[1122] But you couldn't cash it in until seven.

[1123] In the morning.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] But at this point, it was already like three.

[1126] Oh, my God.

[1127] So we stayed at the mall.

[1128] Oh, my gosh.

[1129] We got home at eight.

[1130] to get the savings.

[1131] Was it substantial?

[1132] At like an H &M.

[1133] Oh my gosh.

[1134] It went from like $11 to $7?

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] Wow.

[1137] Okay.

[1138] That's a darned dirty one.

[1139] It was a bad decision.

[1140] You felt dirty when you left.

[1141] I did.

[1142] You felt like you sold your integrity.

[1143] And it was the morning.

[1144] Yeah.

[1145] That's how I always felt.

[1146] Yeah, you're on Coke and the sun's up.

[1147] You're driving home from my buddies and other people are jogging.

[1148] They're starting their day.

[1149] I was on Coke in a way.

[1150] And you sold yourself for a few bucks.

[1151] That's right.

[1152] Oh, my God.

[1153] I do it again.

[1154] I hope you do it again this Friday.

[1155] All right, I love you.

[1156] Love you.

[1157] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[1158] We don't have a thing song for this new show.

[1159] So here I go, go, go.

[1160] We're going to ask some random questions.

[1161] And with the help of our Jerry's book, it's suggestions.

[1162] On the fly, Ryan Bush.

[1163] I love why I'm Rhymed Dish, enjoy.

[1164] Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1165] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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