How To Handle Chaos, Whining, Meltdowns & Sibling Fights

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[22] So all heck is breaking loose.

[23] Kids are melting down.

[24] Maybe a couple of them are fighting.

[25] One's having a big tantrum, right?

[26] Everybody's negative.

[27] they're whining, complaining, dinner's not turning outright, everybody's kind of upset.

[28] There's just this negative thing all in your house, and your first instinct is to fix it, right?

[29] Because that's what we've been trained to do.

[30] Fix it.

[31] But how do you like it when your spouse tries to fix your emotions and your mood?

[32] You don't like it.

[33] And neither do your kids.

[34] So we give you plenty of strategies, right?

[35] We teach you in the moment how to lead your kids to calm.

[36] Motion changes emotion.

[37] We give anxious kids a specific job.

[38] We give lots and lots and lots of very proactive strategies.

[39] But today, I want to give you a challenge, something to try this week.

[40] Because I like these weekly challenges because it's top of mind.

[41] It's one thing to try this week.

[42] And I'm going to teach you that on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[43] So welcome.

[44] This is Kirk Martin, Founder Celebrate Calm.

[45] We're thrilled that you're here.

[46] We appreciate you sharing the podcast with other people because everybody's struggles with their kids, especially with a strong -willed child.

[47] If you ever need help, reach out to our strong -willed child, Casey, because he was like three kids in one with all of his emotions and his talking back and all of his energy that he had.

[48] And he will help you because he kind of gets this because he was your child.

[49] And he's seen all of this.

[50] He was with all those camps we had with 1 ,500 kids in our home.

[51] Poor Casey was growing up then.

[52] And he wake up and there were like kids coming into his bedroom.

[53] So he gets this and he will help you.

[54] Tell us about email him, Casey, C -A -I -C -C -A -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[55] Tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what you're struggling with.

[56] We'll reply back personally.

[57] You know how many emails we get?

[58] Like, there's this lady, a good mom who emailed, and I emailed her back.

[59] And she's like, OMG, I can't believe.

[60] I thought this was just some form thing and I was going to get some automated response.

[61] No, you're not.

[62] Because we're a family like.

[63] yours and this is personal to us we really take it personally we want to help and we'll give you ideas if you need help with our resources Casey can put together a custom package for you based on your specific needs and your specific budget it's actually pretty cool or you can just browse through all of the specials that we have on the website right now and I believe this week we're doing a special when you get everything of a free shipping option that was Casey's idea so here's what I want to focus on this week.

[64] I want you to learn to sit in the chaos without having to fix everything because that's our first instinct is to stop the meltdown, stop this, get them to be quiet, change their attitude, fix that mood over there, get the siblings to stop fighting.

[65] And I get it, if there's bloodshed and someone's getting hurt, obviously you've got to jump in and do something.

[66] But this week, I want you to sit in the chaos.

[67] And I was reminded of this.

[68] I've got a couple emails this week, especially from guys, which is really cool.

[69] I love when guys do this.

[70] Here's the one that I'm basing this off.

[71] He said, I got your everything package.

[72] I love the no BS because I'm a no BS kind of guy.

[73] It's short and sweet.

[74] And what I learned from you is how to sit in the chaos because at work, my job is to always fix things.

[75] I'm a fixer.

[76] I'm fixing.

[77] I'm coming up with all these different things.

[78] But what I've learned to do with my kids when I come home is to sit.

[79] And I'm learning when I sit, I begin to see situations more clearly.

[80] See, and now I'm going to veer off of this guy's email.

[81] So what you will find is in that moment when you're always in that mode of trying to fix everything, you're reacting all the time.

[82] because as soon as you start to feel that energy in your home change and some of that tension come in, you want to fix it and you begin to react.

[83] And when you react to your child, you're giving your child power over you and you're getting in that reactive mode and it tends to escalate things.

[84] And you'll notice this with your own anxiety, right?

[85] Because your anxiety and my anxiety, that's our biggest, is really that and our control issues are our biggest enemy as parents.

[86] because when we get anxious, we tend to project into the future.

[87] And I can't tell you how many parents of even four and five -year -olds.

[88] Already like, wow, my daughter's doing this.

[89] And I'm just concerned that one day she, I was like, she's five.

[90] Do not project into the future.

[91] And don't project into the future with your teenager.

[92] Because when you were 13, you weren't all that awesome.

[93] You may think that you were, but you weren't.

[94] And you changed a lot over time because life has a way of maturing us.

[95] and your kids especially will grow up because what happens is they're stove touchers and they're going to learn the hard way and you're going to want to fix it because you don't want them to experience pain and in fact sometimes the most important thing that they can experience is to experience it for themselves that hot stove actually teaches them and i'm reaching for some notes here because i wanted to recall a story as doing a phone consultation with a couple and it was really interesting uh what these these parents said as we were talking, the situation, what I was trying to convey to the mom especially, I was like, yes, you're the mom.

[96] So when you see your child experiencing something hard, because you love your son as a mother, you don't want him to experience the pain.

[97] And so you try to fix it and make it all better.

[98] But watch how interesting this is.

[99] And this is sometimes what I like about phone consultations is the ability to talk to the husband and wife and get them to understand each other.

[100] Your husband in the same situation does want your son to experience some pain because he loves his son and knows that for some kids that's the best way for them to learn.

[101] See, we often look at each other and we're like, well, my husband just doesn't or my wife doesn't.

[102] No, you both love your child.

[103] And because mom loves her child, she doesn't want to experience a little bit of difficulty and for the dad because precisely because he does love his son he wants him to right and so you have to really work together but sitting in the moment and in the chaos will help you one it helps you lead your kids to a different place because when they're all wound up if you enter that arena and your anxiety you're projecting out of like oh i need to fix this or they're going to grow up and be sociopaths and or you are an order person, right?

[104] You are a structure and order person.

[105] You need lots of order.

[106] That's me. And so whenever you encounter disorder in the home, Legos on the floor, kids being upset, noise bothers you.

[107] Your initial instinct is, I better shut that down right now.

[108] And you're not, you're not even recognizing that you're not doing it for your kids.

[109] You're doing it for yourself because you can't handle it.

[110] And so you begin, it's what I used to do in case he was little, I'd shut that down right away.

[111] Why?

[112] Because I couldn't handle the disorder.

[113] So when I began sitting down, physically sitting down, it changed my body posture, changed my tone of voice so I could talk in an even matter -of -fact manner so that I could lead my child because I want you to lead your child to a calm place.

[114] Telling them, you need to calm down now is not leaving them.

[115] That's escalating and creating more chaos in the home.

[116] And what you will find is when you sit in the chaos, you will teach and problem solve.

[117] See, instead of fixing and solving the problem for your kids or to satisfy your own control issues and your own anxiety, instead, you'll be able to teach them how to problem solve and fix the situations themselves.

[118] See, that's what we're after, isn't it?

[119] I want, you want your kids to learn how to be responsible for their own actions, for their moods, for their behavior.

[120] But inadvertently, by us trying to fix everything and jumping in all the time and trying to make everything all better, we make it worse.

[121] How many of you have found the more you jump in and you tell your kids, guys, kind of go, got to go, to the car, to the car.

[122] And the more you rush your kids, the slower they go.

[123] When you wake your kids up in the morning and you're kind of anxious, like, we've got to get up.

[124] come on you gotta go because school's ready look like we don't have time for this and and you can feel that inside of you that's your anxiety and that dumps all over your child and your child resists it moms and dads your kids are not rejecting you they are rejecting your anxiety because your anxiety tells them that they cannot get ready ready quickly enough they cannot do something to your satisfaction because you will never really be happy with it because if they would just apply themselves a little bit more.

[125] They would be capable of accomplishing so much more.

[126] And that anxiety causes your kids to resist because they know inherently they cannot satisfy your anxiety.

[127] You always want more.

[128] You always want it done more quickly, better.

[129] And so when you learn to sit, you will start to recognize, oh, this is about me. Somewhere on one of the programs, I talk about the toaster moment.

[130] It's a famous moment in our home when Casey, we were at a house in Northern Virginia, and Casey came down the stairs, and I started to get on him.

[131] Did you get all your school work done?

[132] Because I heard you upstairs, because I know you're procrastinating.

[133] Did you get it done?

[134] And what I realized was, in that moment, I was getting on him about his schoolwork, but the real issue was I had procrastinated with my own work.

[135] And because I had done that, I was projecting my own issues onto him.

[136] That's not a cool thing to do.

[137] And so in that moment, because I was learning how to control my own anxiety and sit in the chaos, I looked at him and said, Casey, my apology, that's not your issue.

[138] That's my issue, because I'm laid on with my own work.

[139] I apologize for dumping my stuff on you.

[140] It was just emailing with a really great mom.

[141] And she was talking about how her parents raised her and her brother, and her brother turned out to be not always that responsible person, and she struggled a little bit, and so she's got a young child, and she's already worried, well, my parents did this way, what if I repeat their mistakes, and I do it the same way, and what if my child grows up, and she's not, and what I had to ask the mom, and we're having a nice discussion, so it sounds kind of jerky to me, to you maybe what I asked her, but I said, look, I'm just going to be honest with you.

[142] Why are you projecting, why are you asking your daughter?

[143] Why are you asking your daughter to deal with your own baggage?

[144] You're dumping your own baggage from your childhood onto your child, expecting your child to carry a load that you can't even carry.

[145] And there's no blame and no guilt in there, moms and dads.

[146] I don't do that.

[147] What I want is a recognition and honesty and humility, because humility is a very powerful thing to say, yes, I'm dumping all of that anxiety on my teenager and my teenager is now resisting me and pulling away not because he's stolen and defiant teenager all the time but because he can't handle the pressure that I'm putting on him or maybe it's the 4 -year -old or the 8 -year -old or the 10 -year -old or whatever it doesn't matter what the age is but you've got to deal with your own stuff and most of us carry stuff from childhood that we don't even realize and we're dumping that on our kids, your control issues, your anxiety.

[148] So this week, I really want you to practice this.

[149] Learn to sit in the chaos and learn to see the situation more clearly.

[150] I often do this example at live workshops.

[151] By the way, we're traveling again.

[152] That's awesome because we love live events because there's so much energy and we get to answer people's specific questions.

[153] So if you have a school, a church, a synagogue, a mosque, an organization, email Casey, because everything's.

[154] opening back up again hopefully and so we'd love to be back out there just ask us and we'll come so let's say you have two siblings and they're fighting and typically what happens is we get uncomfortable we want to break it up and we want to fix it and we come in and we send one child to his room and the other child to his room and inadvertently we just sent our kids away from the very person who has the wisdom to teach and help them and we rewarded the one child who's the provoking child right because the provoking child needs brain stimulation wants to get his brain brain stimulates so he irritates the reacting child who obliges and then mom he's picking on me he's being mean and then we come in as adults and we add our own chaos to the whole situation and inadvertently reward the child who needs brain stimulation you know go to your room how many times and now what that child learns is if I want my brain stimulated I'll just pick all my brother because then my mom and dad yell at me everybody's upset now I get sent to my room which isn't a bad thing because I hoard food up there and I've got my video games there.

[155] So inadvertently, we also teach the other child who's always reacting that he's kind of a victim, that he has no choice in the matter, but he does.

[156] But when I sit in that room and now instead of lecturing about how they need to learn how to get along better and be friends, they don't care.

[157] Instead, I can read the moment and I can teach them and say, hey, Jacob, it's a provoking child.

[158] So here's what I know about you.

[159] You've got this awesome brain.

[160] loves to be stimulated because it's filled with ideas and you're a go -getter man and so when you get bored you don't like being bored so you end up picking one your brother because you know he's going to react to you now two issues with that one is that you now become dependent on your brother you need him to react because if he doesn't then you've got to do something even worse and that caused you to get in trouble and that's the second issue when you irritate your brother and pick on him and do those things you always lose your stuff so that's not like the best option to me You can keep doing it if you want, but you're going to get the same result.

[161] But here's another idea.

[162] You've got that awesome brain.

[163] It's very creative, right?

[164] And I also know this about you.

[165] You love money because many of your kids really like money.

[166] It's not that they're greedy because they often have very big hearts.

[167] You love money and you have a big heart.

[168] So here's an option.

[169] When you get bored, instead of just picking on your brother, why don't you and I brainstorm three, four, five different ways for you to earn some money in the neighborhood?

[170] because, man, you are a born entrepreneur, and you can start making some real money, my friend, and you've got a big heart, and with some of that money, you could give some of that money to St. Jude's to help kids with cancer.

[171] And in fact, if you do that, I'll even match part of that.

[172] So your choice, how you want to use your brain and handle those situations.

[173] See, now instead of go to your room, you're a bad kid, nobody likes you.

[174] No wonder, no wonder you're always in trouble.

[175] so he internalizes I'm a bad kid because we didn't really teach him anything.

[176] Well, we sent him to his room to teach him that you can't pick on your siblings.

[177] You didn't teach him that at all.

[178] He already knows he shouldn't do it.

[179] You just send him to his room and you didn't give him any tools and you didn't even teach him anything.

[180] Because look, punishment isn't discipline.

[181] Discipline means to teach what we just did when I sat there and observed, I taught him about his brain.

[182] And the beautiful thing about that is well here's the negative thing.

[183] If you don't teach him about his brain, he'll never know how to use it and he'll go through life seeking stimulation from taking bad risks and maybe in teen years doing stuff that you don't want him doing because he's driven by the whim of his brain.

[184] But now you've just empowered him and educated him and said, I want to teach you about how cool your brain is and here's how you can use it in negative ways.

[185] Oh, but here are some really cool ways you can use that brain.

[186] I just gave him options.

[187] And then with the other child, I can teach him and say, look, I get it.

[188] Your brother has a lot of energy.

[189] And I get it.

[190] You find him irritating because he's breathing and because he's your sibling.

[191] And that's how siblings have thought about each other literally since the beginning of time, Canaan Abel.

[192] So if all you're ever going to do is react to people who are irritating, to situations, that are irritating, you are going to be powerless in life and you are going to be miserable.

[193] And I can't help you with that.

[194] But if you want to learn how to get control of your own responses, if you want to learn how to control yourself instead of controlling your brother and everybody else you're ever going to meet in life, oh, I can teach you how to do that, assuming that you've learned how to do that moms and dads, which I want you to do.

[195] Right.

[196] And now the two kids, who instead of separating them and sending them away, instead, I each taught them a new life skill.

[197] That will begin to reap benefits with fewer sibling fights because now you start to talk a different language instead of, guys, keep it down in there.

[198] Why can't you just play well together for 12 minutes?

[199] You didn't teach them, you're pleading with them not to bother you.

[200] And instead of pleading with them not to bother you, I'm not teaching them.

[201] But that began with me controlling my own anxiety over their fighting and they're squabbling.

[202] That began with me controlling my own anxiety, controlling my own control issues.

[203] And I walked in the room instead of creating my own chaos, I sat in the midst of the chaos and I taught.

[204] That's a beautiful thing.

[205] And that's what I want you to practice this week.

[206] We're good with that.

[207] If you need help, reach out to us.

[208] If you want to learn how to do this, the special we're doing this week, we have a special on everything.

[209] It's there on the website go.

[210] But on the get everything package, because we teach you literally everything we know.

[211] It's 30 plus hours worth of strategies.

[212] We're doing free shipping.

[213] We've dropped the price 60%.

[214] If you need help, if you want something smaller, smaller package, email Casey, C -A -S -C -E -Y -C -C -E -Y -C -C -E -E -Watcom.

[215] He'll help you out with that.

[216] We can work within your budget.

[217] We can work within whatever you need, okay?

[218] so thank you for listening i didn't plan to go through all that today i'm super excited because this podcast actually turned out better than i had kind of outlined it on paper and i love that i like this sibling example so let that sit in your brain this week email us we'll help you out and um love you all talk to you soon bye bye