Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[0] Hi, my name is Julia Louis Dreyfus and, oh, shit.

[1] I, as I was saying, and I thought, you just had a hard time with your name.

[2] No, no, because as I was saying my name, I thought, what if I can't pronounce my name?

[3] And then I couldn't pronounce it.

[4] Now I'm having an incredible excited.

[5] Do you feel anxious about being Conan's friend?

[6] No, I feel anxious about being on this fucking thing right now.

[7] All right, here, let me try again.

[8] Okay, God.

[9] Here we go.

[10] God, damn it.

[11] Okay.

[12] And I feel a tad hopeful, but not really, about being Conan's friend.

[13] What is that all about?

[14] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[15] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[16] because I can tell that we are going to be friends Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend This is a special episode This is the season finale I didn't understand anything about podcasts When this thing began Didn't know what to expect And here we are 36 episodes later And of course it takes a village And in my case that village Is my trustee assistant Sonam of Sessian Hey Sona Hi Conan and Mr. Matt Goreley.

[17] How are you, Matt?

[18] Hi, Conan.

[19] I'm good.

[20] How are you?

[21] I'm good.

[22] You know, we banter quite a bit, and there's a lot of verbal jousting and attacks upon one another.

[23] Mostly me attacking you guys, to be honest.

[24] But I do want to be sincere for a second and say, this has been a delightful surprise this podcast.

[25] I started off with no expectations and got kind of talked into it, and we started doing it.

[26] And I think from the get -go, been having a blast.

[27] And here we are 36 episodes later.

[28] And it's been really fun.

[29] I don't know how you guys feel.

[30] I love it.

[31] I think now is a good time to thank you for asking me to be a part of it.

[32] It's awesome.

[33] It's really fun.

[34] I think that, I don't know, I felt always a little nervous about podcasting because I didn't think I would be interesting at all, I guess.

[35] I don't know.

[36] Yeah, but people love you on the podcast.

[37] I don't know.

[38] That's nice.

[39] You know what?

[40] The thing is it's great.

[41] You're very good at being yourself.

[42] So your natural disdain for me. It comes out very naturally.

[43] But also, you're a great counterbalance to, as we are in life, what I've always say, I say this all the time, the way Sona and I are on the podcast, that's us all day at the show.

[44] Right.

[45] And you literally just drop a microphone while you and I are yelling at each other about coffee.

[46] you're whatever, and you mocking me, you think my hip -hop freestyling is awful.

[47] It's the worst thing I've ever heard.

[48] I disagree.

[49] Oh, you disagree.

[50] It's terrible.

[51] But let me just say also, I know we make a lot of fun, but I love you.

[52] I love working for you, and this has been an absolute blast.

[53] And I love that I've met Matt Goorley.

[54] Let's throw it over to Matt Goorley.

[55] You guys, that means a world to me because this has been a joy for me. I literally got off a plane from doing.

[56] another goddamn podcast and was told, hey, you're going to be working on the Conan O 'Brien podcast.

[57] And I went, well, what's that?

[58] And they told...

[59] Wait, you didn't know who I was?

[60] No, I knew who you were, but I knew you didn't have a podcast.

[61] Hold on.

[62] Okay.

[63] But what were your preconceived notions about, Coen, O 'Brien?

[64] What do you mean?

[65] I'm a fan.

[66] I knew, I know all your stuff.

[67] Are you kidding?

[68] No, I'm not, that wasn't convincing to me. What do you want?

[69] You feel like a guy that's covering.

[70] I'll sign an affidavit.

[71] Listen, that's, I'm not going to go fishing for compliments.

[72] It's clear there.

[73] There's no fish in that pond.

[74] So I'm going to pack up my rod and reel and move on.

[75] Gorely, you're very good at this.

[76] You're very good.

[77] I do give you a hard time because you're an absurd person.

[78] You really are.

[79] You can't tell me you're going to, you do give me a hard time in the same sentence.

[80] Oh, yes, I can.

[81] Yes, I'm very good at this.

[82] And I can do two things at once.

[83] But you do a very good job on the podcast.

[84] You know your podcasts.

[85] A terrific job.

[86] You do the edits.

[87] You set it all up.

[88] You really are a pro.

[89] you're also one of the most ridiculous people I've encountered in my life.

[90] Can I just respond in two words?

[91] Sure.

[92] You are.

[93] I will just respond with I am rubber.

[94] You yourself are made of glue.

[95] Oh, wow.

[96] Whatever you say.

[97] Rickshay is off of me because I'm rubber.

[98] I do live in your head.

[99] And then sticks to the glue, which is what you are.

[100] Pigeon pie.

[101] Your mother's name is Winifred?

[102] Wellford.

[103] Oh, I'm sorry.

[104] How ridiculous have me. and you two go to the park and sketch together.

[105] You own Dwight Eisenhower's telephone.

[106] What happened to this tender moment we had?

[107] I thought we were really going to land that and stick that landing.

[108] You are a strange sprite from another land.

[109] Maybe I am.

[110] Who's somehow...

[111] Maybe I am.

[112] There's something elfin about you, even though your dimensions are quite normal.

[113] You are a sprite.

[114] Maybe I am.

[115] You live in the woods.

[116] I am going to lean into this.

[117] And I think I'm going to come next time.

[118] Later, Hosen.

[119] You are.

[120] I know we've just scratched the surface on how strange you are.

[121] Yes and no, that's the problem.

[122] But it's not the way you characterize it.

[123] Pretty good judge of character.

[124] Now, this is the season finale episode today, but that doesn't mean the fun has stopped.

[125] Starting on August 5th, we're going to have six weeks of mini episodes with my really good friend, Dana Carvey.

[126] These shows are called Deep Dive with Dana Carvey.

[127] It's six episodes of hilarious, madness, courtesy of Dana, who's just a brilliantly funny guy, and his brain is a magical, silly, ridiculous thing.

[128] And I just love playing with him.

[129] And so look for those.

[130] There's going to be six of them dropping once a week.

[131] We're going to be back with season two of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend in a couple of months.

[132] And we look forward to seeing you then.

[133] And I just want to thank everybody who contributed this season's.

[134] All my guests, we just had 36, terrific guests.

[135] Actually, I think it was more like 37, because it's, remember when we did Schwartz and Middle Ditch?

[136] That's right.

[137] You're right.

[138] That's how good I am.

[139] Wow.

[140] Oh, that was pathetic.

[141] Anyway, all my guests, my team here, Airwolf, of course, you know, we got Will, we got Blay over there, working hard.

[142] What do you do here, Blay?

[143] What are you doing?

[144] I keep it all going, man. Oh, my God.

[145] Okay.

[146] Mistake.

[147] Why you ask me?

[148] Mistake.

[149] Mistake.

[150] I apologize.

[151] That was a bad idea.

[152] I apologize to anyone who was driving.

[153] I apologize to anyone who was driving and just veered into a tree because an over -eager need monster jumped through your speakers.

[154] Anyway, thanks to the Earwolf gang and of course you, the listeners for tuning in every week, yeah?

[155] Adam and Jen.

[156] Yeah, Paula.

[157] Yeah, just to, I mean...

[158] Oh, I don't know if you wanted to include them.

[159] Well, no, I wanted to do.

[160] cut them out.

[161] Oh, I'm sorry.

[162] I don't know if we were still recording, but if you wanted to read...

[163] What I like to do is withhold praise from some people so they try harder next year.

[164] It's a sick game I play.

[165] No, and guess what?

[166] I looked into it.

[167] Caligula did this to his people.

[168] Great guy.

[169] Napoleon.

[170] Good fella.

[171] A lot of the great...

[172] Paul Pott.

[173] Yeah, Pol Pot did this a lot.

[174] And it's how he ceased power.

[175] Listen, I've done my homework.

[176] Stalin did this a lot in the 40s.

[177] So, no. No, Jen deserves a tip of the cap.

[178] Paula and Gina, who booked everybody.

[179] And Adam, who is the guy who runs it all.

[180] Adam has got the most beautiful eyes of any man I've ever seen.

[181] He does.

[182] And eyelashes, too.

[183] Yeah, he's got eyelashes for days.

[184] Seriously, I want to lick his eyeballs.

[185] Nothing to do with his contribution to the podcast.

[186] I don't know actually what he does with the podcast.

[187] Be frank, I don't either.

[188] Yeah.

[189] And you know what?

[190] Very little money's been trickling my way.

[191] and I do notice that he's driving around into Bentley now.

[192] So I'm very suspicious of him.

[193] Well, anyway, we just thanked a whole bunch of people.

[194] I know you all probably fast -forwarded through that part because it's like an award shows.

[195] We're thanking a bunch of people they don't know.

[196] And that's why I wasn't going to thank anybody.

[197] I was going to pretty much say this was a one -person effort, Conan O 'Brien, you're welcome.

[198] Because that's faster.

[199] Come on.

[200] It's faster.

[201] But that's not nice.

[202] Well, are we here to be nice?

[203] If it was just you, you'd be sitting here just talking to yourself and no one would be recording anything.

[204] Which is what I do at home anyway.

[205] My wife is always hearing me talking to myself in a room in the house and she's always saying, I'm enjoying the show up here.

[206] Really love listening to your one -man show.

[207] That's absolutely true.

[208] Hey, we don't have time to mess around because we have a very special guest today.

[209] I wanted someone really fantastic for this, our season finale, and, damn did we deliver.

[210] My guest today is a comedy icon who has won 11 Emmys, nine SAG Awards, a Golden Globe, and the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

[211] She played one of the most iconic sitcom characters of all time, Elaine Benis on Seinfeld.

[212] She won six consecutive Emmys for her role as Selena Meyer on the HBO series Veep.

[213] And it's hard to stress this enough.

[214] I'm truly delighted and honored.

[215] that this insanely talented person is with us here today.

[216] Julia Louis Dreyfus, thank you for joining us.

[217] I mean, are you going to have me over to your house for dinner?

[218] Yes.

[219] I would have you over.

[220] The problem is you have to be reciprocate.

[221] What does that mean?

[222] I want to be in your life a lot.

[223] I want to be a regular part of your life.

[224] I want to be able to tell people I can't.

[225] I'm going over to Julia Louis Dreyfuss's.

[226] Oh, look at you saying it with ease.

[227] Yeah.

[228] I'm better at saying your name than you are.

[229] I would love it because you are beloved.

[230] I'm not here to embarrass you.

[231] You are absolutely beloved.

[232] And I would, it would be good for me in the business.

[233] It would be, I'm not lying.

[234] It would be good for me if I said, love to.

[235] Can't do it.

[236] Hanging with Julia Louis Dreyfus.

[237] I'm going over to her place.

[238] Can't.

[239] She's making me a custard.

[240] Whatever.

[241] And then people are like, wow.

[242] Well, Conan is the shit.

[243] You would say kiline pie.

[244] Okay.

[245] Is that what you like to make?

[246] Yes.

[247] Okay.

[248] Wow.

[249] And, yeah, I'll have you over.

[250] Would you really?

[251] Yeah, how old are your kids?

[252] They're in their late 40s.

[253] How unusual.

[254] No, they are, my daughter is 15.

[255] Uh -huh.

[256] And my son is 13.

[257] I'm going to tell you something.

[258] We made a, what some parents think was a controversial decision.

[259] But my wife made the decision, and then I went to along with it to let our kids watch VEP because...

[260] When?

[261] How long ago?

[262] They started watching it a year ago and quickly caught up, but, you know, it can be quite adult in its language.

[263] You think?

[264] Yeah, I think.

[265] But we decided it was the best comedy they could be watching.

[266] We let them watch The Simpsons and we let them watch Veep.

[267] We have like a very, it's rarefied air.

[268] and my kids died.

[269] They just loved it so much.

[270] Oh, good.

[271] I'm so glad.

[272] So I told them yesterday, they don't give a shit about my career, my kids, in a really healthy way.

[273] They actually have contempt for it, as do many.

[274] They read the trades, and they, but I told them that I was coming here.

[275] By the way, my children don't give a shit about my career.

[276] It's good, right?

[277] Oh, yeah, because come on.

[278] I mean, it's what you do for a living, but whatever.

[279] Exactly.

[280] Yeah, exactly.

[281] Anyway.

[282] I would like it if they were a little in awe, but no. They, or just pretended, but they found out that I was coming here to talk to you and my stock went through the roof.

[283] Oh, that's nice.

[284] Yeah, no, you're absolutely adored.

[285] I mean, many places, but in our home, you are so fucking funny.

[286] Thank you.

[287] That's so nice.

[288] No, no. I mean, I would hope that you would know that at this stage.

[289] Thank you.

[290] Thank you very much.

[291] Well, I'm very proud of Veep, that's for sure, and that's a lot of sweary stuff for your 13 -year -old, but I figure...

[292] Here's what my wife does.

[293] When someone goes on a long run on the show of just, I mean, they're really...

[294] Like Dan Beckett all.

[295] Yes, and it's the intense, cum, jizz, guzzling, you know, cock, whatever, taint, the whole thing.

[296] And it's this intense run, my wife goes, la, la, la, la, la, la. And I'm like, they can hear it.

[297] but they can hear it That doesn't hurt the comedy It's Come on I know It's ridiculous So we'll be watching VEEP And she'd be like And she'd be going Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry And I'm like okay All right But also name dropping I just went to Ghana with your friend Sam Richardson Boy don't I know it I saw that because I didn't know He was doing it And then I saw on Instagram First of all How much do you love Sam?

[298] He is, Sam Richardson, is so lovely and nice, but also so damn quick and funny.

[299] And you forget he's just one of the best improvisers alive.

[300] And by the way, he's part of royalty in Ghana, which is so incredibly exciting and cool.

[301] But I'm so happy you had that experience with him.

[302] I mean, that was like you were gone a week or something crazy, right?

[303] Yeah, I was gone for a week, yeah.

[304] Yeah, that's so cool.

[305] It was great.

[306] My phone's on.

[307] Okay.

[308] All right.

[309] You couldn't pronounce your name, and you have a live phone and a podcast.

[310] I'm just going to, excuse me, it was on?

[311] Yeah.

[312] Guess what?

[313] When we're good friends, 50 % of the time, that'll be me, saying I'm coming over.

[314] You can error drop me your contacts right now.

[315] Okay.

[316] I'm going to say I'm coming over for Keyline Pie.

[317] I'm just going to say, KLP.

[318] I'm an idiot.

[319] No. Yeah, it's true.

[320] Because people like you so much.

[321] I was on the way in today.

[322] I was thinking, wouldn't it be funny?

[323] if I just went after you in the podcast.

[324] Do it.

[325] Just a take down.

[326] Just do it.

[327] I'm up for it.

[328] And you called your publicist after when she went down.

[329] And you were like, how was it with Conan?

[330] You was like, I got to say, it was rough.

[331] And I was like, you know what?

[332] You've had a free ride for too long.

[333] And then I just came at you with all this stuff.

[334] I would love it.

[335] Some of it was true.

[336] Some of it isn't true.

[337] And it was just.

[338] First of all, what is true that you're going to come after me about, you motherfucker?

[339] You know.

[340] You know what you did.

[341] Look at you.

[342] You're getting all red.

[343] That happens so easily with me. Okay.

[344] Okay.

[345] This just done.

[346] Okay.

[347] Something unplugged?

[348] Yeah.

[349] No, I just fixed it.

[350] I've never had, you're the finale, season finale guest, and you've had more trouble with the easiest things.

[351] Your headset?

[352] Pronouncing your own name?

[353] Simple things are giving you a hard time.

[354] I'm not sure my insurance is clear when I drive out of here.

[355] I can feel myself driving straight into the Warner Brothers gate.

[356] I feel that coming on.

[357] It's going to happen.

[358] Yep.

[359] You do this thing that I absolutely love that I...

[360] Yeah, that I absolutely hate.

[361] You do this thing I hate.

[362] Truly Louis Dreyfus, if that's even your real name, we did a little research on the Internet.

[363] You do this thing that I think is so essential to all my favorite people in comedy.

[364] You, because in a lot of ways, you've been a trailblazer, and you have been, no, you've been iconic in, I would say, let's be fair, in probably the biggest sitcom of, one of the biggest sitcoms of the second half of the 20th century, and that's really the only time TV existed, so why even say that, Conan?

[365] It just shows that you are good with numbers and years and stuff like that.

[366] Yeah, I mean, you're much better than those sitcoms from the 1880s.

[367] But you have men a lot for a long time to a lot of people.

[368] And then, you know, sometimes I've read articles where they say that your heroes among women are like Lucille Ball, Cloris Leachman, to these different people.

[369] And you said something that I think appeals to me across the board, regardless of gender, which is you're not afraid to look silly.

[370] You're not afraid to humiliate yourself or you're not afraid to put yourself in an undignified position when you're doing comedy.

[371] and I always think, God bless you.

[372] I prefer that.

[373] Lack of dignity is where you're sort of headed.

[374] Yes.

[375] Yeah.

[376] I mean, you have to do that.

[377] Yes.

[378] Yes, you do.

[379] But it can be kind of agonizing.

[380] In what way?

[381] Well, in two ways.

[382] One is, if you fail doing that, it's a humiliation that has no bottom.

[383] It's just deep humiliation.

[384] Yeah.

[385] And if you succeed, there's still an element of humiliating.

[386] Yes.

[387] Because, you know, it is still, you have to look a fool.

[388] And so it's great to have success doing that.

[389] But it's also kind of wincy at the same time, if that makes any sense.

[390] It makes perfect sense to me because I've had a lot.

[391] Well, I've had a lot of experience with I'm very silly and I'll take big swings.

[392] Can you be a dick?

[393] Are you really mean?

[394] Do you get mean?

[395] I'm going to throw this to my people.

[396] Oh, okay.

[397] Matt Gourley, Sonam Obsessian.

[398] Who do you want to go, Sony?

[399] You've got more history.

[400] All right, I got that answer.

[401] Yeah, you got the answer you needed.

[402] You know, it's shortened and real, like, just sharp.

[403] These people really perked up.

[404] Oh, my God.

[405] They climbed out of their coffins.

[406] They came to life.

[407] I would say that I have a gear that is, you tell me if I'm wrong.

[408] I think I am a genuinely nice person, and I do care about people, but I am so talented at being mean.

[409] Yeah.

[410] I'm so good at it.

[411] And when I do it with my staff or in the writer's room, they'll be laughing so hard.

[412] They're crying, but I'm like, none of this can ever be on TV because it's just too, you know what I mean?

[413] Well, wait a minute.

[414] I'm like a ninja.

[415] But I'm not, wow.

[416] I'm not sure I follow.

[417] In other words, you're saying that you have a mean streak that you can direct at them?

[418] Is that what you're saying?

[419] I can sort of take on, I don't know.

[420] I would say you make being passive aggressive in art, but it's enjoyable and it's fun in a way.

[421] But it's still being passive aggressive.

[422] He's not being a dick in the sense that everybody hates him.

[423] He's being a dick in the sense where everybody just kind of admires him.

[424] It's a very creative way.

[425] I'm very creative.

[426] I got to tell you something.

[427] I think she's being super nice and trying to keep her job right now.

[428] I'm telling you, I think you're a real dick.

[429] That's what I'm picking up on right now.

[430] I don't care about losing my job.

[431] Yeah, she doesn't.

[432] She would be happy to lose your job.

[433] Well, Gourley, you tell me you're newer to this.

[434] Yeah, you're a real cock sucker.

[435] Yeah.

[436] Yeah, I got it.

[437] I got it.

[438] It's all good.

[439] Okay.

[440] I love how your eyes got really wide and sparkly when you got the good juice on Conan.

[441] You got the tea on Conan.

[442] You're just, you, I saw it.

[443] They just sparkled and got huge.

[444] I mean, you have large eyes anyway.

[445] I'm trying to understand you.

[446] Have you come to save us?

[447] I'm going to drive us out of here and straight into a wall.

[448] Let's go.

[449] Paula, I want you to come to my defense.

[450] Paula Davis.

[451] Defense.

[452] There's no one in here who will defend you.

[453] No, no, Paula.

[454] I just want to say one thing.

[455] Paula's been with me since 1993.

[456] And we knew each of you.

[457] before that I'm starting it live.

[458] So you've known me like 30 years.

[459] Long time.

[460] Yeah.

[461] So do you want to say anything here?

[462] Here's what I want to say.

[463] He ripped you to shreds.

[464] It's really funny, but to the delight of everyone else.

[465] So you have to avoid being victimized.

[466] Like if I have to ask him something, I do it alone because otherwise I'll be victimized.

[467] Is that right?

[468] Right.

[469] Right.

[470] Right.

[471] Yes.

[472] So would you say I'm a bad person?

[473] No, I'm crazy about you.

[474] Now, the problem is, this doesn't get to come out that often.

[475] There's this gear I have that can't be on TV much.

[476] It's been there a little bit every now and then.

[477] I do have a huge Catholic conscience.

[478] So I don't want to get...

[479] No, I don't think you're a morally bankrupt person.

[480] I don't get that sense.

[481] It's like Kamala Harris saying to Joe Biden, I don't think you're a racist.

[482] But anyway, let's talk.

[483] Well, we've established that.

[484] Enough about me, I do think that there are a lot of people in comedy that want to they want to be in comedy but they also want to be cool.

[485] Did you sense that sometimes where there are people that, and they don't understand that you kind of, it's this weird deal where you have to risk not being cool.

[486] You know, like being worried about being cool shouldn't probably go with comedy.

[487] It doesn't go with comedy.

[488] It doesn't go with it at all.

[489] Unless you're making fun of yourself for wanting to be cool.

[490] Unless you take it to the, turn it inside out.

[491] But other than that, yeah, it doesn't have any place.

[492] Now, when I watched Veep, which I've established that I absolutely adore, I was watching it and I was thinking, this must have been somehow therapeutic for you to play Selena Meyer because you got to be completely, I mean, it's fun to be that uncaring about other people, or at least to inhabit that role for a chunk of your day.

[493] Yeah, it is fun.

[494] It was spectacular fun.

[495] It was enormous hard work to do that show.

[496] But once we got it, you know, sort of when things would click into place, it was a dream.

[497] Like the best job I've ever had in my whole life.

[498] Really?

[499] Yes.

[500] And I had a few good jobs.

[501] Right.

[502] This was like incredible.

[503] That cast, too.

[504] Just there was not a – It's a very deep bench we had.

[505] Yes.

[506] I thought it was almost to the point of absurdity where I kept adding up.

[507] the, you know, like, wait, Gary Coles there.

[508] I know.

[509] I mean, I just could add so many people, every single person, there's so many of them I can't even come up with their names right now.

[510] That's fine.

[511] We know who they are.

[512] They are fantastic.

[513] Tony Hill, Kevin Dunn, Reed Scott, Anna Klompsky, Sam Richardson.

[514] I mean, it goes on.

[515] It just went on and on and on.

[516] Matt Walsh, Tim Simons.

[517] Yes.

[518] I was blown away by whoever.

[519] is getting all these people, no one plays a false note.

[520] But I thought for you particularly, did you leave a day on that set where you felt kind of like, hey, I got that out of my system?

[521] Like, I got to be such an uncaring, you know, person.

[522] I got to be so mean in so many different ingenious ways.

[523] No, I didn't sort of, that, no, not that, but I would leave set thinking if assuming the day had gone well.

[524] that, oh, we, we nailed that scene, you know.

[525] But it wasn't like about being, because at the risk of sounding too actory about this, I came at it from a different angle, you know, not being mean so much, but about being, you know, what her point of view is, which is the only point of view.

[526] Yes.

[527] Yeah.

[528] She is, what's interesting now, because that show did such a brilliant job of, being funny on its own, but also being hyper -relevant to what is happening right now.

[529] Yeah, that was, by the way, a complete accident most of the time.

[530] It's lightning in a bottle.

[531] It just, I could tell, like, you didn't start out to do that.

[532] Oh, my God, no. No, quite the opposite.

[533] I mean, we had sort of a line in political history that we didn't cross.

[534] Timeline, I should say.

[535] So I don't think anything beyond Carter, Reagan, it was around there.

[536] And we didn't go anywhere near real history.

[537] After that, yeah.

[538] And we were very, very deliberately never identified party, which turned out to be a godsend.

[539] So, you know, all of those.

[540] And yet, the show, we would do things like the vaccination stuff that was.

[541] in the most recent season.

[542] And then the next thing you know, everybody's getting measles and whooping cough and everything else.

[543] And it's a huge political, you know, football.

[544] Also, it was so interesting that this character of Jonah Ryan, who is comically, comically inept and unlikable.

[545] And to the point where if he had existed on television eight years ago, you would have said, well, he's funny, but he's a little like Larry Linville on MASH.

[546] Like, no one can exist in the world who's that.

[547] Do you know what I mean?

[548] Oh, it would have been too cartooning.

[549] Yes.

[550] But sadly, it became, wait a minute, you can go on stage and say, we have proof now, that you can go on stage and say 750 absolutely reprehensible things and still become the President of the United States.

[551] I found that.

[552] And the lie, you're extremely.

[553] extraordinary stupidity.

[554] Yeah.

[555] And just let it out there.

[556] Yes.

[557] You know, like talking about the airports during the Revolutionary War, that was a very veep -like moment.

[558] Yes.

[559] That that orange turd was.

[560] Trump did mention that, yeah, during the colonial revolution, we did, we captured the British airports.

[561] And then he blamed that on the teleprompter.

[562] Sure he did.

[563] which is very Selina Meyer Yeah I know It is though It's so fascinating to me That you could say If If I said Well we all know that 17 years ago I married a cactus And my children Are three sailboats And then people said Conan what the hell was that And I went Hey man it was on the teleprompter That's not an excuse No it certainly is not I'm supposed to know that, wait a minute, that's not right.

[564] I'm supposed to proof my speech before I make it, for example.

[565] But, yeah, there were just so many things with Jonah Ryan where I thought that character, it went from being silly and kind of cartoony to, oh, they really were, the show was making the point that he can say and do anything and survive it and even go up in the polls.

[566] Yes, exactly.

[567] Yeah.

[568] Rise up.

[569] Yeah.

[570] All right.

[571] Let's tune to happier topics.

[572] You talk a lot, you've talked a lot in the past about frustration and how you think frustration has been part of your career and that it's been good for you.

[573] Is that, how do you explain that?

[574] I guess it's been good for me in retrospect, but yeah, I feel frustrated all the time.

[575] And it's sort of fueled, I guess, my ambition and maybe it's fueled my take on playing different roles to a certain extent, maybe.

[576] I mean...

[577] When you say you're frustrated all the time, does that mean if we got in a time machine and went back to you at 18, you'd have a level of frustration?

[578] Oh, yeah.

[579] Okay.

[580] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[581] I mean, I wanted to, like, get on.

[582] I wanted to get on with things and, you know, do another play, and I couldn't be bothered with school, and I just had to, you know, and we had to get this show up, and we had to get, you know, There was always, for me, sort of a to -do list of things that I had to get done that was sort of, I mean, frustrating is a little pejoratives, but I think somebody coined that in an article.

[583] But I think maybe there's an element of that that's true.

[584] I mean, but it implies that somehow I'm unhappy and I'm not really unhappy.

[585] What if we change the word to impatience?

[586] There was like an impatience to like, I've got something to.

[587] say, I've got stuff to do, and I want to get it done.

[588] Yeah, there we go.

[589] Impatience.

[590] I like that.

[591] That I can relate to.

[592] Yes, yes, yes.

[593] I felt the same way at 18, 19, like, let's go.

[594] And people would say, let's go what.

[595] And I would say, you don't understand.

[596] I got to go.

[597] I got shit, I got to do.

[598] That's right.

[599] People thought I was, you know, crazy.

[600] And I was.

[601] But I understand that.

[602] I understand the impatience and how that can fuel you.

[603] And then you get to this interesting thing where you you've had these terrific achievements, but the impatience level probably doesn't really drop much.

[604] No, it doesn't diminish at all.

[605] Yeah, what's that all about?

[606] Well, you've got to keep going, right?

[607] I mean, I don't want to, like, I want to keep working.

[608] Yeah.

[609] So now I've got to find something else to do, right?

[610] Yes.

[611] Well, that's very, I'm somewhat impatient.

[612] I'm trying to cool it a little bit because I could use some downtime because it's been a rough couple of years.

[613] But I got to find another gig that's really excellent.

[614] And, you know, that's low -hanging fruit, finding really good material, as you well know.

[615] So.

[616] Never really went looking for it.

[617] I was always just happy with the giggle here and there.

[618] Yeah.

[619] No, I know what you mean.

[620] There's a...

[621] I want to keep working.

[622] I like doing this shit.

[623] I like playing like this.

[624] So I want to keep going.

[625] There is a point that I think you could probably relate to where you have this, you look at your career and you're in this very rarefied air of these great accomplishments.

[626] And then it's easy for people to say what more could you possibly want and they don't understand that it's, like, for example, you get the Mark Twain process.

[627] and that's a huge deal, and it's fantastic.

[628] And you deserve the hell out of the Mark Twain Prize.

[629] But there's a part of you that might be thinking, this is nice, but there's a lot more to do.

[630] Yeah.

[631] And this is nice.

[632] And by the way, you've got to make a speech to prove that you – they say, here, we're giving you this award, and you're like, oh, that's so exciting.

[633] And you have to make a 15 -minute speech after we give it to you.

[634] And for me, that was profoundly terrifying.

[635] I'm like, oh, my God, the pressure for that moment.

[636] And then also, I'm not done.

[637] I mean, as I was watching this thing as we were at the Kennedy Center and there are at the Kennedy Center and all these huge stars are coming out and singing your praises and...

[638] It's kind of like being at your own funeral.

[639] Yes.

[640] And I said to Brad, I did say to him, am I dead?

[641] I mean, is this like, this is intense, you know?

[642] It got to be kind of like so much you sort of would feel dizzy, you know?

[643] I mean, it was a little match.

[644] Well, I've been there to perform for other people, and they sit up in a box at the Kennedy Center.

[645] Yeah.

[646] And they preside over everyone talking about them at the Kennedy Center.

[647] I know.

[648] And I was thinking, you need a real healthy ego to be able to handle that with no qualms.

[649] Do you know what I mean?

[650] Like, of course.

[651] Proceed.

[652] I didn't have an, of course, feeling it all.

[653] Exactly.

[654] No, I could tell you.

[655] I would not think that you would.

[656] Yeah, I was very anxious.

[657] But I enjoyed it.

[658] It was, I was glad it went off okay.

[659] Yeah.

[660] All right, let's take a quick break because there is more to do.

[661] Okay.

[662] There's more to do in this business.

[663] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[664] For both of us.

[665] Right.

[666] I know.

[667] Believe me, I know.

[668] Man, your eyes get huge.

[669] Oh, sorry.

[670] Tense.

[671] They just pop right out of your head.

[672] That's in a craas, wonderful.

[673] And we're back.

[674] Look at that.

[675] Isn't it like there's no time at all went by?

[676] Yeah, that was cool.

[677] It was like we just popped into a time machine and out again.

[678] And then we're right out again.

[679] Okay.

[680] You got on your note list there.

[681] Says here, all kinds of stuff.

[682] It says go after Julia Louis Dreyfus.

[683] It looks like you did a shit ton of research.

[684] You didn't even fill out the first.

[685] Oh.

[686] See, there's all this stuff too.

[687] But I don't like to use the research.

[688] church.

[689] I didn't know you're on Seinfeld until I looked at this piece of paper.

[690] You played Alani?

[691] Uh -huh.

[692] Alani beans.

[693] Yeah.

[694] Have you made your piece with the fact that you will never walk by a TV set that 30 % of the time isn't playing Seinfeld?

[695] No, I have not.

[696] You have not made your piece with that.

[697] No. Uh -uh.

[698] I have not.

[699] But I don't, maybe you can appreciate this.

[700] I don't really like to watch any of that.

[701] I had a great time doing it and stuff, but It makes me anxious to go back and look at it.

[702] So I just sort of avert my eyes for the most part.

[703] Right.

[704] You're in an airport.

[705] You're someplace and it's in the background and you just, you avert your eyes.

[706] Correct.

[707] You turn to the side.

[708] Yeah.

[709] You did SNL.

[710] I did.

[711] As did you.

[712] I was a writer there.

[713] Yeah.

[714] But I look back on my SNL years.

[715] People must say, oh, you must have so much fondness for your SNL years.

[716] And what I'm fond of is the experience, I liked being thrown into the deep end at such a young age.

[717] I know you were much younger than I was when I, I think I was 24 when I was on Santa Live.

[718] And you were much younger than that.

[719] I appreciated getting thrown in the deep end.

[720] I wouldn't change anything.

[721] I did kind of find it terrifying, even as a writer, you know.

[722] And I don't know what, it's hard to explain that to people.

[723] How many years were you there?

[724] I was there for three seasons.

[725] Yeah, me too.

[726] Yeah, it was very scary and I was ill -equipped.

[727] I was not a writer.

[728] And so I just came in as an eager actress.

[729] Right, right.

[730] You know how that works.

[731] I've been an eager actress.

[732] Yeah, I know.

[733] So it was not exactly what I thought it was going to be at all.

[734] But you met Larry David.

[735] I met Larry David, my third year there.

[736] He was only there for one year.

[737] and we bonded in misery and then a few years later Seinfeld came about but I will say that being there and learning sort of the agony of doing the show and how that is to say as I'm talking about SNL doing a live show and having the heartache of that because I didn't really excel there in any way except I did learn certain things by failing and in retrospect And so it sort of informed my life moving forward from that point, for sure.

[738] Would you agree with this?

[739] I have a thought sometimes, which is I wouldn't change a thing.

[740] For everything, I wouldn't change it.

[741] Everything that's happened.

[742] All the ups, all the downs, I wouldn't change a thing.

[743] Would you say that about your own career?

[744] Or if you could go back and change a few things, would you change them?

[745] Oh, sure.

[746] You would change them.

[747] Oh, yeah.

[748] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[749] I'd change him.

[750] Yeah.

[751] But I don't say that sort of regretfully.

[752] I mean, if you're really asking me. Yeah, I am, yeah.

[753] Yeah.

[754] I think you would change a thing.

[755] I would.

[756] I was trying to trick you into.

[757] Yeah, because I don't think that's an honest answer.

[758] I was just saying that.

[759] I was lying.

[760] To get me to get into your trap, which, by the way, I avoided completely.

[761] You'll notice that.

[762] I'm stealth.

[763] You know what?

[764] Man, your eyes are working over time.

[765] Your eyebrows are darting around.

[766] you are a crafty.

[767] Let me explain something to you.

[768] I'm not aware of that.

[769] I'm just talking to you, okay?

[770] And people, you know, people, friends mine will say, what are you doing?

[771] You've made it so clear that you hated that this or you don't like that person.

[772] I'm like, what are you talking about?

[773] Just doing nothing.

[774] I'm just sitting there listening.

[775] And I don't have any control over this, it seems.

[776] This face.

[777] It just goes off on its own.

[778] It's so great.

[779] It's so loved about soap opera acting is that the...

[780] Oh, fuck.

[781] No, no, no. My headphones came off from that.

[782] Your headphones just came off.

[783] No, no, I'm not saying you are this, but I'm saying that there's...

[784] Yeah, you're saying that.

[785] No, I am not.

[786] What I'm saying is...

[787] Here it comes.

[788] This is it.

[789] No, no. In soap operas, someone will say, Jeffrey's coming to the party, and the woman will go, ooh, Jeffrey.

[790] And they'll be like, is everything all right?

[791] And she'll be like, I mean, it's fine.

[792] I'm looking forward to seeing Jeffrey.

[793] Now, in real life, it's clear.

[794] No, you're not looking forward to seeing Jeffrey, but all you have to do in a soap opera is go, ugh, I mean, I can't wait to see him.

[795] Right.

[796] And then everything's okay.

[797] Okay.

[798] Your face has been doing that to me throughout.

[799] You've been showing absolute disdain and disgust for some of the areas.

[800] Well, this is the face that I'll be giving you when you come to my house for dinner.

[801] And I'll say, oh, what a keline pie.

[802] Conan, you don't like it.

[803] I love Keelma.

[804] I really do.

[805] Oh, fuck.

[806] Do you really see us hanging around a lot at your house?

[807] I mean, I'd be coming around a lot.

[808] First of all, that's not true.

[809] And second of all, I would love to see you and have you at my house.

[810] Except the only thing, I will say this.

[811] I don't really like, I like to bake, but I don't really like to cook that much.

[812] And I used to live to cook, but I've lost pay.

[813] patience with it.

[814] So that's the one issue we're going to have to come over.

[815] Postmates, right?

[816] We'll postmate something.

[817] Yeah, that's fine, I guess.

[818] I don't really, I don't believe in postmates because I think that's not going to work very well.

[819] I feel like the food is going to come cold.

[820] It usually does.

[821] I mean, I don't want to put down postmates because maybe they're going to buy into something here.

[822] But no, they're not.

[823] We'll fuck them then.

[824] It's not going to work.

[825] The food's cold.

[826] And they often get the order wrong.

[827] Sorry, Postmates, but you just do, you know?

[828] I didn't order this, you know.

[829] This isn't what I asked for.

[830] You took two pizzas and you put a hamburger in the middle of them and wrapped it into a burrito.

[831] That's not.

[832] So, you know, that's not what I asked for.

[833] So sorry, Postmates, you had your chance.

[834] You could have bought an ad.

[835] We're going to figure this out.

[836] We're going to figure out a way to get dinner at my house.

[837] What about your husband and I've worked together before and I really like him, but he may not want me around.

[838] Why?

[839] Because you're so good looking.

[840] I didn't think I was.

[841] Honestly, so no. Well, you're the kind of guy I like, because you've got that red hair thing going, and I like that.

[842] Let's stay on this topic for a little bit.

[843] So I'm your type is what you're saying.

[844] Well, you were until you just asked me that question.

[845] You know, I could feel that slipping away.

[846] Sona, did I handle that badly?

[847] Yeah, you did.

[848] Yeah, I got way too.

[849] I wrecked that quick.

[850] But fuck, I just got way too happy about that.

[851] But we'll recover from that and we'll move on.

[852] I know that you are in this position now where everyone's saying, okay, I want to be part of the next Julia Louis -Dreyfus thing.

[853] Do you know what you're going to do?

[854] Do you have any ideas?

[855] No. Right now I'm in post -production on this movie that I made with our friend Will Farrell.

[856] Oh.

[857] And so I'm working on that film.

[858] but it hasn't come out yet.

[859] And other than that, I don't have a plan yet.

[860] I'm formulating it.

[861] Why, you got any ideas?

[862] I'll do anything you want.

[863] I'm time to work.

[864] When are you going to catch a break?

[865] Yeah, I think that probably is the, I'm going to say it again, it's just the way you've always been.

[866] This is who you are and this is who, I relate to it very much.

[867] which is I like to make stuff.

[868] I've had people say to me because, believe it or not, now, I'm the old guy in late -night television and people say like, yeah.

[869] Really?

[870] I am the old guy now.

[871] I started out as, for two -thirds in my career, I was the young punk, and then overnight, you've lasted longer than you.

[872] You're the grand old.

[873] You're like, what happened?

[874] It switched in one day from you're not old enough to have a show.

[875] But anyway, I find that I've had people now say to me, so do you think you'll wind it down soon and drift off into the sunset?

[876] And I think, I like to make stuff.

[877] Yeah.

[878] I really like it.

[879] Totally.

[880] You know, why are you trying?

[881] Why?

[882] Why would you wind down?

[883] No. I mean, unless you need to go wind down and you're desperate for a break, but I don't get the sense that that's who you are.

[884] No. Oh, God, no. Yeah.

[885] Well, I'm not that way either.

[886] No. That's why you and I will work together one day on the movie.

[887] I know.

[888] I do that.

[889] It's a movie.

[890] Oh.

[891] It's a movie I'm writing called He's Her Type.

[892] Starring Conan O 'Brien and Julia Louis Dreyfus.

[893] Your name can go first.

[894] But it's all about you.

[895] You're in a really good marriage.

[896] Yeah.

[897] Everything's solid.

[898] Yeah.

[899] And then you see this guy on the beach.

[900] Who at first you think is a Belgian woman.

[901] But then you get a closer look.

[902] And it's called He's My.

[903] It's a rom -com.

[904] And nothing ever happens.

[905] It's just He's My.

[906] my type.

[907] Right, because it's a senior citizen, Ron, come, right?

[908] I don't know.

[909] It's one of those.

[910] Are we seniors?

[911] No. We are not.

[912] We're getting there.

[913] I got news for you, a friend.

[914] We're getting there.

[915] Don't you speak to me in those tones.

[916] Oh, I'm speaking to you like that, and it's not going to stop.

[917] Oh, my God.

[918] Old man. Yeah.

[919] You look fantastic.

[920] Thanks.

[921] I got my hair blown out, so that's what happens.

[922] I know.

[923] This is what happens on a podcast.

[924] You come in looking absolutely stunning, and then it's a podcast.

[925] Yeah.

[926] There's no visual record.

[927] I thought I was doing your show today.

[928] I didn't realize it was a podcast.

[929] I'm kidding.

[930] You know, I want to see more tape on you until you're ready to do the show.

[931] I want to see more proof that you've got what it takes because the show is, that's a high honor.

[932] This is our finale.

[933] This is our final podcast of this really fun season.

[934] And I will be honest with you, I cannot think of a better person to end the, you.

[935] this really lovely season that we've had that's been such a joy and such a surprise, when I found out that you were willing to come on the final episode, I was filled with absolute incandescent.

[936] No, incandescent joy.

[937] Oh, that's so nice.

[938] No, no, no, I mean that.

[939] And I'm speaking for everybody in the room and everybody in our, this whole building was just like, oh, my God, I can't believe she's going to do our last episode.

[940] It's just, first of all, thank you.

[941] And second of all, I'm surprised you have that reaction.

[942] And third of all, I think maybe we didn't talk about anything that was interesting enough.

[943] I'm worried now we didn't do enough talking about something.

[944] Oh, my God.

[945] Paula, can you lean in and just do...

[946] No, should we say something about anything?

[947] No. It was fantastic.

[948] You said lots of things about lots of things.

[949] It was great.

[950] We're not supposed to talk about...

[951] It's not one of those where we talk about, you know, the cooling of the earth or the heating of the planets.

[952] Oh, yeah.

[953] Well, I'm a scientist.

[954] It's too bad.

[955] We're missing that opportunity.

[956] You have some theories, don't you?

[957] You bet you.

[958] No. All right, fine.

[959] Sitting here, getting to mind meld with you is a joyous thing.

[960] It really is.

[961] Thank you.

[962] I'm so pleased to be here, and it's a treat to do a podcast with people who are laughing when you make a joke.

[963] It's so nice.

[964] Oh, is that?

[965] They don't do that on their places?

[966] I've been a podcast before where nobody's around, and you're just sort of like in the ether.

[967] Yeah, that's how they usually go.

[968] Yeah, right?

[969] Yeah.

[970] I don't, I don't, he's a podcast, he's a huge star in the podcast world, not Gorley.

[971] That's going a bit far.

[972] No, no, it is.

[973] He says, he's a maestro at the podcast, I'm told.

[974] I've not witnessed it myself, but.

[975] You didn't bring your A game to this one?

[976] No, no, I'm phoning this one.

[977] Yeah.

[978] Calling from home.

[979] Yeah, with Michelle Obama, I don't think, did you say a word with Michelle Obama?

[980] No, I didn't.

[981] Pretty quiet.

[982] How did that go?

[983] I'm going to listen to that.

[984] on my way home.

[985] She was fantastic.

[986] Yeah, she was great.

[987] She's a rock star that one.

[988] She's a rock star, yeah.

[989] But I have to say, it's been a season of him.

[990] You mentioned Will Farrell.

[991] We started with Will Ferrell.

[992] It's just been all these terrific people, but I...

[993] I love Will, by the way.

[994] Will is a absolute delight, and he is that person.

[995] I had the joy of sitting with Will on a...

[996] We were flying.

[997] It was like American Airlines.

[998] This is years and years ago, and we're both flying from one coast to the other, and we happened to be seated next to each other.

[999] And we did a comedy routine together for the entire trip.

[1000] We were not once real with each other, but it was too much fun, and we couldn't stop.

[1001] I totally get it.

[1002] It's just one bit after the other.

[1003] That's a guy who comes to play.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] And in the most amiable way, it cannot be described how much fun it is to work with that guy.

[1006] Yeah.

[1007] And at the end of the day, I really enjoy people.

[1008] obviously there are different types but when people are there to have fun and they're willing to be we mentioned Sam Richardson earlier but people who are willing to be funny when you bump into them in a restaurant and there are no cameras and they're willing to play and they're willing to just go with it that always makes me believe when I was a kid I thought that's what this business would be and then I've had some people disprove it and some people prove it And I've always thought, I want to be one of those people that tries to prove it.

[1009] Totally.

[1010] You know, you can meet me at a Walmart in an aisle and we'll have a really funny thing happen.

[1011] Yeah.

[1012] You know.

[1013] Yes, of course.

[1014] And there's no record of it and no one tweeted about it.

[1015] And it just was a happening.

[1016] It's incredible.

[1017] And when you find people like that that want to prove that theory, hang on to them for dear life because those are the real ones, you know, right?

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] Yeah.

[1020] Yeah, the way I'm hanging on to you.

[1021] Oh, God, I didn't mean it like that.

[1022] We're changing the title to Conan's a creep.

[1023] Anyway, thank you so much.

[1024] I love you.

[1025] I love your work.

[1026] And I'm just so happy that you came in today.

[1027] Thank you for having me. I'm delighted and honored to be here, really.

[1028] Guys, do you want to review the reviewers, the iTunes reviews?

[1029] Okay.

[1030] Wait, what is this?

[1031] This is where we take a look at some of the reviews written about the podcast on Apple Podcasts.

[1032] That's terrifying.

[1033] We've done this before.

[1034] You can handle this.

[1035] I, you know, I protect you through these.

[1036] You don't need a lot of times.

[1037] Oh, so there's really bad ones you're not reading.

[1038] No. No, this is how my, is this, honestly, how my brain works?

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] I know it is, and that's what I know.

[1041] I don't choose any of those.

[1042] Wait, that mean, you just said I don't choose any of those.

[1043] That means they exist.

[1044] You can't go anywhere on the Internet without that happening.

[1045] There are bad ones.

[1046] about Sona and me. There are bad ones about everything.

[1047] No one.

[1048] You just told me there's really shitty stuff about me that you're not going to tell me. Oh my God.

[1049] Because it's to be discounted because it's creepy, crazy people.

[1050] And I'm not saying there's not, you know, relative in criticism.

[1051] There's just some people that go to town in a way that says more about them than you.

[1052] How do we get down this hole?

[1053] You just put me in a bucket and lowered me into a deep will of despair.

[1054] No. No, but you made it quite clear to me. You have one of the highest rated podcast.

[1055] I'm saying.

[1056] So what?

[1057] What?

[1058] All I hear is one of.

[1059] Why not thee?

[1060] And then all I hear...

[1061] Hold it.

[1062] I'm not done yet.

[1063] And then you tell me that there's people out there that wish me dead.

[1064] No, that's not what I'm saying.

[1065] Come on, man. What happened there?

[1066] What are you a drug dealer?

[1067] Hey, man. Hey, man. This is some good shit.

[1068] All right, let's get into it.

[1069] I can handle it.

[1070] Okay, this is titled, Can I Work for You, Dead Serious, Five Stars by Smelly Y -C -T.

[1071] This is one of my all -time favorite podcasts.

[1072] I've been a long time.

[1073] time fan of Conan's gone to many tapings and enjoyed everything he's ever done.

[1074] I'm super serious about wanting to work for you.

[1075] I will help out in any way possible.

[1076] When Conan yells for his lunch, I'll get it.

[1077] If Sona or Matt need their feet rubbed, I'll rub.

[1078] Please consider hiring me to work for any of you.

[1079] Your energy is awesome and I feel like I relate to each of you in so many levels.

[1080] Keep up the great work and thank you for the laughs.

[1081] Okay.

[1082] And then also...

[1083] Wait, who was that person?

[1084] Smelly Y -C -T or something.

[1085] Smelly?

[1086] I thought that was a lot of things you said.

[1087] The feet rubbing those times are over.

[1088] No, no, no. Yeah.

[1089] I want to join Team Coco gives five stars by Coco Hopeful.

[1090] Oh, what I would give to work as Sona and Matt's assistant or just in any way that's connected to Team Coco and the macab, witty, and hilarious banter that goes on with Conan.

[1091] Love the podcast.

[1092] Wait, what did you...

[1093] It sounded like you were going to...

[1094] I know there was more, but the picture went away.

[1095] Oh, God, you're a strange guy.

[1096] I'm not a strange guy.

[1097] You're an odd fellow.

[1098] You are an odd fellow.

[1099] Yeah, man, your comebacks are just fantastic today.

[1100] You're throwing high heat.

[1101] Oh, my God.

[1102] Incredible fast balls from Matt Gordland.

[1103] You are.

[1104] Oh, man, this season break can't come soon enough.

[1105] Okay, let's get into it.

[1106] That's nice, Sona.

[1107] I would like you to note that the job you routinely complain about is one people really want to have.

[1108] I know.

[1109] They can have it.

[1110] You wouldn't leave me. No, I wouldn't.

[1111] I need to, I want to buy a house.

[1112] I need to keep working here.

[1113] You wouldn't.

[1114] You wouldn't because of your love and affection for me. I want to buy a house.

[1115] And I...

[1116] You deserve a house.

[1117] Thank you.

[1118] And so, yeah, I need this job.

[1119] But if someone wants to come in and do everything I'm supposed to do...

[1120] We have that.

[1121] It's Jeff's assistant.

[1122] Jeff's assistant, David routinely does the things that you don't do because you're goofing off.

[1123] I am.

[1124] You know what?

[1125] For real, though, I know how many people want this job because people tell me they want my job on a regular base.

[1126] and that I appreciate that I have my job.

[1127] But it doesn't alter your behavior at work.

[1128] It doesn't.

[1129] That is fantastic.

[1130] I mean, I find that fascinating.

[1131] Why?

[1132] But I think it would take three weeks for anyone to get in that job and be in the exact same outlook as you.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] You ruined this job so quickly.

[1135] How did I do that?

[1136] Because when I, do you remember?

[1137] I think we may have talked about this, but I'm not sure.

[1138] I came in, I was professional, I took notes, I cared.

[1139] And then once I talked to my grandma on the phone, and I was speaking to an Armenian, and I hung up, and you were like, what was that?

[1140] It sounded like you were arguing with Dracula.

[1141] It did.

[1142] Can I just say?

[1143] I was in my office, and I heard all of a sudden, I'd only hear you go like, oh, hi, Conan.

[1144] Okay, Conan.

[1145] Hey, good show, Conan, blah, blah, Conan.

[1146] And then all of a sudden, I hear you pick up the phone, and you started to go like, Sri Braudia, Crozen, Dravidura, Hir Barg, Gondisinda.

[1147] Oh, the sun is coming.

[1148] I must get to the coffin.

[1149] And I was just like, what the hell is going on?

[1150] I didn't know you could do that.

[1151] So it was just a little bit shocking.

[1152] But then I think we were off to the races because it was soon after that that I started Michael Jackson passed away and I called you and I said I demand a private viewing but I don't want to run into Tito and you believed that I knew Michael Jackson and when I came to work I saw your pad and it was like private viewing avoid Tito you were writing it all down and you were trying to figure out I thought he was serious and what were you thinking that he's going to get a private viewing with Michael Jackson's body.

[1153] I was like, how do I do this?

[1154] Who do I call?

[1155] Whose publicist do I reach out to?

[1156] And then this later showed up, I don't know, some, one of the tabloids did a thing of like the meanest people on television.

[1157] And I was in the list, like the meanest people.

[1158] Are you sure it was a tabloid or the New York Times?

[1159] Girl, y 'all give it to you on that one.

[1160] Because they also print a lot of fake news.

[1161] But, no, they said, Colonel O 'Brien is a, you know, horrible boss who forced his assistant to get him a private viewing of Michael Jackson's body when he died.

[1162] Well, because we talked about it.

[1163] Oh, okay.

[1164] We may even have talked about it somewhere.

[1165] We talked about it somewhere.

[1166] Yeah, we did.

[1167] And it got out there, and they printed it like it was a real thing.

[1168] Oh, my God.

[1169] Which was hilarious.

[1170] Like, I just loved that I was in the pantheon of the cruelest people in show business.

[1171] So what I'm saying is I started off being very professional and wanting to do this job properly, and then you came in the picture and just ruined that.

[1172] Well, I think other things, too, your predilection for edible marijuana.

[1173] That's, uh, okay.

[1174] You're a fan of your drink.

[1175] Matt, should we hired an assistant?

[1176] Let's do it.

[1177] Your drink?

[1178] You like a drinky -winky every now.

[1179] I do like a drinky.

[1180] Although you've, you've, you know, married life you've cleaned up a lot.

[1181] I have.

[1182] You were a crazed pirate three years ago.

[1183] you really were you were an insane crazed pirate you know what we would go on road trips for the show and you would be swinging from ropes from the rafters with you know a duby in your lips holding a jug of triple X tequila you know I'm a notorious recluse in the homebody but I would love to party with you because you just seems like you would be the most fun I was a great partyer back in the day Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1184] And you know who's not a good partier?

[1185] Me. I can be fun.

[1186] I'm fun.

[1187] I like to, you know, talk, but.

[1188] You're not the guy who's going to do a kegstand.

[1189] No. But you are the guy who's going to make everyone laugh.

[1190] I'll make people laugh, but if I did a kegstand, I'd be somehow maybe the first person to be paralyzed doing a kegstand.

[1191] Oh, no. Yeah.

[1192] Do you don't party?

[1193] Well, I mean, what do you mean by party?

[1194] Well, that's what I mean.

[1195] I like to tie one on.

[1196] I like to have.

[1197] I like to hang out with friends.

[1198] What he likes to do is he likes to call his mom.

[1199] He likes to get Winifred on the line.

[1200] Wellford.

[1201] Wellford.

[1202] And he likes to get together with his mom.

[1203] And he gets, oh, those really, you know those wheat fins that have the caraway seeds?

[1204] He likes to get those.

[1205] Those are crazy.

[1206] And some stilton cheese.

[1207] Yeah.

[1208] And then he loves to get just a mellow yellow soda.

[1209] And then just chill, man. Just watch the sunset.

[1210] You two have so many similarities.

[1211] I think that the one friend that you, you really made Conan is Matt, and I think you need to admit that.

[1212] Nope.

[1213] Okay.

[1214] Never mind.

[1215] Yeah, I'm not quite ready to admit that either.

[1216] Stick around for season two.

[1217] Yeah, we'll see if it happens.

[1218] See if I sign up with Freak Show over there.

[1219] Sorry, man. Hey, man. You had it coming, man. I sure didn't.

[1220] That's a nice watch again.

[1221] Don't compliment me. Yeah, I'm not complimenting you.

[1222] I'm wondering how you got that nice watch.

[1223] Someone here is taking the podcast money Because I'm certainly not getting it Who's getting the podcast money?

[1224] We are God, well look at that watch You always make fun of him For mentioning something the listeners can't see And you complimented his watch And no one can see it I am a master At painting a picture I didn't hear what you said I'm just gonna Pretend I didn't hear it I am an expert at painting words.

[1225] So when I point the finger at other people when I compliment a watch and throw stones at glass houses when I paint a picture of a watch people can see it.

[1226] Now when you say things like has this picture of myself.

[1227] You didn't describe it though.

[1228] You just said it's a nice watch.

[1229] I didn't even have to.

[1230] It's the way I said nice watch.

[1231] Everyone could imagine it.

[1232] And you know what?

[1233] Whatever watch you imagined was the watch.

[1234] That's the kind of powers I have.

[1235] Let's go home to our podcast home.

[1236] Yeah.

[1237] Well, those were good reviews.

[1238] Was that what we did?

[1239] We got lost on a long tangent and now it's like a nine hour podcast.

[1240] I've always wanted to keep this podcast toyed.

[1241] We do.

[1242] And that's what I've always What's your poem?

[1243] Why did you pronounce it like that?

[1244] Yeah, you just did a mic Myer's from Goldmember.

[1245] It's Toit.

[1246] Remember when he's the Dutch guy?

[1247] Yeah, that's what it's from.

[1248] I'm Dutch, isn't that freaky?

[1249] I think you were trying to be like hip and cool.

[1250] Were you thinking you're saying like nois or something?

[1251] In that internet parlance that people do?

[1252] Toy!

[1253] Toy!

[1254] Toy!

[1255] That's going to come around now.

[1256] People are going to start saying that because I said it.

[1257] Anyway, I like to keep this podcast, like my body nice and toy.

[1258] I don't like podcasts that indulge.

[1259] Oh, it's two and a half hours long of people meandering and blithering and blathering.

[1260] I want this podcast to be like my naked body, nice and see -through?

[1261] Toit.

[1262] Toit.

[1263] You want a podcast that you can see blood coursing through veins?

[1264] I am.

[1265] Remember those models, the invisible man?

[1266] Yeah, yeah.

[1267] The model that you can see the circulatory system.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] Get the woman and that's me. Toit.

[1270] toit the podcast should be toit this is so stupid all right that does it for our season finale we are coming back for another season two of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend but yeah this is this is our last episode for this season and it's been an absolute joy started out as a complete lark I didn't know what to expect and I have had a blast and if you've enjoyed listening half as much as I've enjoyed doing it, then that's a bad ratio and I should definitely improve.

[1271] So stick around.

[1272] Season two will be coming up I believe in October and hey, check out Dana Carvey starts in August and that'll be August 5th, I think those start.

[1273] Those are going to be really funny.

[1274] All right, thanks for sticking with me and we'll see you soon.

[1275] I don't know how people sign off on podcasts, so you can see I'm struggling.

[1276] Tip your waitress.

[1277] Be kind, rewind.

[1278] Come on, let's put you to bed.

[1279] I'm old.

[1280] I'm so old.

[1281] Let's get out of here.

[1282] Let's get out of here.

[1283] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1284] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1285] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1286] Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

[1287] Incidental music by Jimmy Vovina.

[1288] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[1289] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1290] Got a question for Conan?

[1291] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1292] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1293] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1294] This has been a Teen Coco production in association with Earwolf.