Armchair Anonymous: Nurses

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[3] Welcome, welcome to Walk to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] Oh, wow.

[5] You really...

[6] What happened?

[7] Well, it just got stumbling, but I loved it.

[8] And we were just talking about my verbal dexterity going in the toilet.

[9] I loved it.

[10] Welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[11] I'm joined by Monica Mouse.

[12] That was great.

[13] We talked to our favorite members of the medical community today.

[14] Yes.

[15] Nurses.

[16] Nurses are like Vietnam Special Forces vets.

[17] They've seen it all.

[18] Yes.

[19] I am so grateful.

[20] Oh, me too.

[21] For those peeps.

[22] I'm grateful for doctors.

[23] We love doctors.

[24] But when you're in the hospital, you start seeing.

[25] Yep.

[26] Yeah, this place is run and functions because of the nurses.

[27] Exactly.

[28] It's incredible.

[29] And when you ask nurses to tell you crazy stories, you're going to get some fucking crazy stories.

[30] And so, in a nutshell, stop listening right now.

[31] Switch to something else.

[32] 100 % don't listen to this episode.

[33] It's full of all kinds of gore.

[34] Just prep yourself for every episode we ever do of this show.

[35] Just prep yourself that things could be squeamish.

[36] And this one especially.

[37] This one is four for four.

[38] squeam like you cannot be eating your lunch like first of all don't listen to this episode but if you because you're so indignant and insolent and you're such a rascal and a contrarian that you got to listen do not do it anywhere near or around any feeding okay telling you now if you puke in your lap of your car yeah and fly into a ditch that's not on us that's on you you are the one that was irresponsible we're warning you now we'll see you next Friday on an episode you can listen to you.

[39] I do want to mention people we're curious about their not being an episode last Friday.

[40] And basically the explanation of that is we quit.

[41] Now, we do four a month.

[42] That's right.

[43] And sometimes there's five Fridays in one month.

[44] Yes.

[45] Five times one month sometimes.

[46] Yeah.

[47] And on those fifth Fridays of one month, no armchair anonymous.

[48] Yeah, things, just the schedule gets a little funky sometimes.

[49] And that's why every now and then there is one.

[50] And we're sorry.

[51] There should be 52 a year.

[52] And next Friday.

[53] Oh, no. More bad news?

[54] June's a little different, too.

[55] June is a bit diff.

[56] We don't have an armchair anonymous for you, but we have something else for you that is very fun and interesting and different.

[57] And that will be our 600th episode.

[58] Oh, it will?

[59] That abridged?

[60] Yeah.

[61] Wow.

[62] Oh, my God.

[63] Six -hondo.

[64] I've already started telling people over past 600.

[65] Do you do this?

[66] No. I can get ahead of myself.

[67] We technically are if you count like all the other shows.

[68] And what's in the can.

[69] Yeah, and what's in the can.

[70] I'll just say after 600 interviews, it's like my new thing I'm saying.

[71] After 600 interviews, I'm so rough to be around.

[72] I'm telling you to have to hear me say after six.

[73] Anyways, I hate myself.

[74] Don't listen to this episode.

[75] Fuck you.

[76] Go get crazy.

[77] Let's party.

[78] Oh, God.

[79] Yeah.

[80] Love you.

[81] Come and go, take them slow.

[82] I had them both.

[83] Remember one thing, you got to know, I'm going to keep on shining.

[84] Hello.

[85] I can hear you.

[86] Can you hear me?

[87] Yes, we can hear you.

[88] You can hear us.

[89] This is lovely.

[90] Laura, how are you?

[91] Where are you at in the world?

[92] I am in Minneapolis.

[93] We had a great live show in Minneapolis.

[94] We very much enjoyed it.

[95] Yes, I was there.

[96] You were there.

[97] Yeah.

[98] Okay.

[99] Okay, so are you a nurse, Laura?

[100] I'm a nurse.

[101] I've been a nurse for 11 years.

[102] Wow.

[103] I've always worked in health care.

[104] And I'm actually in school right now to be a nurse practitioner.

[105] So I'm getting my doctorate.

[106] Oh, and what things will you be able to do that you can't currently?

[107] So I'll be a family nurse practitioner, so I'll be able to diagnose right prescriptions from have your yearly physical.

[108] Oh, my God.

[109] Well, congratulations.

[110] Thank you.

[111] So what year did this event happen?

[112] Ten years ago, I think.

[113] So you were first at it?

[114] Yeah.

[115] I was working at a clinic, taking phone.

[116] calls.

[117] So call that triage, right?

[118] So we're taking phone calls from patients.

[119] This particular gentleman that was calling, I will call him Mr. T. Right.

[120] For everyone's safety.

[121] Yeah.

[122] So he called in and he was telling me about some pain he was having.

[123] Of course, because this is an interesting story, it was rectal pain.

[124] Okay.

[125] Sure, sure.

[126] Yeah.

[127] So going about the questions, how long have you been in pain?

[128] It's been about a week, he told me. And I said, well, what's been going on?

[129] Anything new?

[130] anything different.

[131] Now, about divulging too much.

[132] The clientele of patients that I worked with at the time, it was not unusual to get calls like these.

[133] Like, I had somebody call one time that had gotten something stuck in his urethra.

[134] Oh, sure.

[135] You know, just different acts that got them in places they didn't want to be.

[136] Could happen to any of us.

[137] Exactly.

[138] Exactly.

[139] Trying new things.

[140] This gentleman, he called and he told me once we had spoken for a little bit that he had something inserted in the rectum.

[141] Okay.

[142] Okay.

[143] So nicely tried to ask.

[144] What was this?

[145] What size?

[146] Just so I was aware.

[147] And he told me it was a can of cooking spray.

[148] Oh.

[149] Okay.

[150] A can of cooking spray.

[151] Like Pam.

[152] Oh, I'm not allowed to sell.

[153] That's exactly what it was.

[154] He told me a can of pan.

[155] I was trying to not.

[156] I think they'd be flattered to know that their products were so loved that people ended up having sex with them.

[157] He got the name brand.

[158] Sure.

[159] He's splurged.

[160] Yeah.

[161] Exactly.

[162] Okay.

[163] Wait.

[164] So he says yes.

[165] A new thing.

[166] was this can of cooking spray.

[167] Yep, that's what he had tried.

[168] And then, you know, unfortunately, he could not remove it.

[169] He had tried to pull it out on his own.

[170] What?

[171] It was all the way?

[172] He lost the end?

[173] Yep, he could not get it out.

[174] Oh.

[175] Oh, my God.

[176] He had had pain for five days.

[177] Wait, it was in there?

[178] No. He kept it in there for five days?

[179] Yep, yep, five days.

[180] And I'm on the phone with him, like in the middle of the clinic.

[181] So there's not really any other options here.

[182] been there five days.

[183] It's not coming out with me telling you to do something over the phone.

[184] Yeah, you're going to come down.

[185] Yeah.

[186] So he's going to come down to the hospital.

[187] Can't drive.

[188] He's got to ride on all fours probably, like a doggy in the back seat.

[189] Well, he didn't have anybody to drive him.

[190] So I had to call an ambulance for him.

[191] He was very hesitant about that because he was worried about leaving his apartment and cat, if I remember correctly.

[192] I called 911 for him.

[193] So I got to tell 9 -1 -1 what was going on, listened all the way until 9 -1 -1 got there.

[194] And then it just so happened that the doctors that I worked with also worked at the hospital.

[195] So we got to find out the process.

[196] Yeah.

[197] So he went in through the emergency room and, of course, they wanted imaging.

[198] They wanted to see inside what was going on.

[199] Absolutely.

[200] Is the cap in there?

[201] Yeah, the cap was a huge question of mine.

[202] The spray nozzle.

[203] So he had a tear that actually the Pam can was holding from making him go septic.

[204] Oh.

[205] Oh, my God.

[206] It saved his life.

[207] The gap.

[208] It was plugging the tear.

[209] Whoa.

[210] It completely perforated.

[211] Yep.

[212] But because the can was so stuck in there, it was holding from anything getting into his bloodstream for that time.

[213] Yeah.

[214] And then it was surgically removed.

[215] Oh, my.

[216] Now, do we think they took forceps and spread the anus so wide that they were able to get in there?

[217] They very well could have.

[218] I mean, obviously we know it stretched that far.

[219] Right.

[220] Clearly, at least one time.

[221] He got it up there.

[222] Oh, my goodness.

[223] And then they just sutured him up, I guess.

[224] They sutured him up.

[225] They treated him with a whole bunch of antibiotics.

[226] I mean, the amount of Pam that's just been sprayed up his body.

[227] Oh, you think it?

[228] I don't know.

[229] I can't speak to that part of it for sure.

[230] He's all oiled up.

[231] Oh, my God.

[232] Wow, Laura.

[233] That's my claim to fame is this story.

[234] Like, everyone's like, oh, tell people your Pam can't story.

[235] Yeah.

[236] I wish I could interview him, to be honest, because I want to know if he had some thought about making sure he's holding on to the leash.

[237] somehow that you know or if he thought no I can push it all the way in there and then I'll just push it out he probably thought there's no way it could go all the way in it was also probably super impacted with oh clearly because he couldn't defecate anything oh wow can you imagine just being in your house and having a pam can up there and knowing you needed to get it out talking yourself in and out of calling yes for three days straight yeah exactly what it was I'm sure oh it's really acceptance it's going, you know what, this only ends in a hospital.

[238] I got to accept that.

[239] How often do we think he walked over to the toilet to try to get it out, like every five minutes?

[240] Yes.

[241] Oh, how old was this person?

[242] He was in his 60s.

[243] He had lived some life.

[244] This is something I would associate with like a late teenager.

[245] Like that felt good.

[246] This felt good.

[247] Let's try this.

[248] I would imagine you're experimenting.

[249] So it's kind of life affirming.

[250] No, but it's because he's afraid to leave his house because of the cat and stuff and so he's lonely.

[251] Oh, I know.

[252] Okay, but be that as in May, it is a weird age to be experimenting about whether you like cooking cans up your ass.

[253] My hunch is either he already knew he loved that, and this one just got away from him.

[254] Well, I am only allowed one story, but he did experiment with other things too.

[255] Oh, wonderful.

[256] No. You're free to tell us that.

[257] Prior to the can incident, ballpoint pen, and he tried that in his ureth and also did not go well for him.

[258] It was not surgical, but it was not what he wanted from the experience.

[259] Now that I hear this detail, I wonder if part of his kink is being at the hospital getting that stuff removed.

[260] That could be it.

[261] Then why would he wait five days?

[262] Because that's too many times to fuck up.

[263] But do you think he'd wait five days?

[264] Then he'd just put it up and call.

[265] The first incident was like a quick.

[266] This is a trauma.

[267] It does not feel good.

[268] It hurts.

[269] Also, that's not supposed to be pleasurable.

[270] The can, like, I guess in theory, could be.

[271] But you're ethra.

[272] You know how they say you start like eating more and more spicy.

[273] food as your taste buds wear out as you get older.

[274] You know, maybe he was testing his pleasure centers.

[275] He was desensitized to everything normal at this point.

[276] Oh, my God.

[277] And he was like, I need something new.

[278] He's not the only person I've heard put something up a male urethra to try to obtain pleasure.

[279] What?

[280] This is why they need to teach better sex education.

[281] Unless there's a healthy way to do that.

[282] Maybe there is.

[283] No shame involved.

[284] I just know that that is something that people do to seek pleasure sometimes.

[285] Right.

[286] I just want to know if it's ever worked.

[287] It must have won.

[288] I agree with you.

[289] Oh, Laura, what a tremendous story.

[290] You know, as soon as you hear something's in the rectum, your mind just, what's it going to be?

[291] What's going to be car keys and can of cooking spread?

[292] That's big.

[293] Yeah, it's a good size.

[294] So every time everybody goes to the grocery store now.

[295] Please imagine that in your rectum for five days.

[296] Well, Laura, thank you so much for sharing that story with us.

[297] And congratulations.

[298] Thank you very much.

[299] You'd be one -stop shop for me. You could do everything I pretty much need.

[300] I mean, do you mind if we keep your number because we have ailments sometimes?

[301] Call me anytime.

[302] I won't be able to practice in California.

[303] Dang, okay.

[304] That's probably better for you somehow, I bet.

[305] I wouldn't be too bummed about that.

[306] So nice meeting you, Laura.

[307] Yes, you guys too.

[308] Thank you so much.

[309] All right.

[310] Take care.

[311] Bye.

[312] What a sweetie.

[313] Oh, I loved her.

[314] Speaking, I was going to ask her, but this is going to be hard.

[315] We are about to have four nurses, and I do have a medical issue I've been keeping to myself.

[316] Oh, you can ask one of them.

[317] They'd be happy to advise you.

[318] It's not a rash.

[319] I just haven't told anyone.

[320] Is it like David's lump or whatever?

[321] Well, kind of.

[322] But I'm not scared to talk about it.

[323] I'm just keeping it to myself because I don't want to spread the rumor that I'm a hypochondriac.

[324] Oh, further perpetuate.

[325] But it does hurt.

[326] Okay.

[327] Let's ask Lucy.

[328] Hello.

[329] Hello.

[330] How are you?

[331] I'm wonderful.

[332] Are you intoxicated with the new spring and the warm?

[333] and the rejuvenation?

[334] I would be, except I'm studying for a graduate school exam right now, so I am intoxicated with knowledge.

[335] Okay.

[336] And very little else.

[337] That's a powerful elixir.

[338] We just talked to another nurse who's in graduate school as well.

[339] Just getting her doctorate degree, yeah.

[340] You guys work so hard, you nurses.

[341] Yeah.

[342] Definitely shout out to all the nurses during COVID era.

[343] Oh, my God.

[344] That was some serious extra work for sure.

[345] Yeah.

[346] Are you wearing purple eye shadow?

[347] No. Or is that the glasses?

[348] It's probably the glare.

[349] Full disclosure, I had to fashion this whole little office scene.

[350] My professor does not know that I'm in his office currently.

[351] He has left for work for the day.

[352] And I was like, what office has no windows and some not terrible lighting?

[353] And probably good Wi -Fi?

[354] No, this is great.

[355] Yeah.

[356] This is like two episodes in one.

[357] This is like one of you.

[358] Secret professors.

[359] I have one of those, too, but I'll say that.

[360] God, that is so exciting.

[361] Listen, you should try purple eye shadow because it looks great.

[362] Oh, thanks, Monica.

[363] Just say that you've been advised by your friend Monica to try it.

[364] Yeah.

[365] Okay, we're really excited to hear this.

[366] Yeah, please tell us your crazy nurse story.

[367] So I'll start with a little framing.

[368] I'm a new graduate nurse.

[369] I've got my hair done.

[370] I'm wearing my cute new scrubs.

[371] And I've got on a new watch that I got for graduation.

[372] And I'm just really excited.

[373] It's like my second week ever of being a new nurse.

[374] And so I've got my own patient now.

[375] And I'm taking care of this gentleman in a neurointensive care unit.

[376] So in neurointensive care, we do a lot of neurotrauma.

[377] So like motorcycle accidents.

[378] Brain and spinal cord.

[379] A lot of stroke.

[380] So this particular patient was a stroke patient.

[381] He had a specific type of stroke called a subarachnoid hemorrhage, which is just a bleeding stroke.

[382] That differs from what, a blood clot stroke?

[383] Correct.

[384] So we would call that like an ischemic stroke, which is like a clot.

[385] For this particular stroke, he had lost the ability to talk.

[386] And we actually didn't have a great explanation for that medically, but this gentleman since the time of his stroke was not speaking.

[387] And unfortunately, he was also having a ton of liquid stool.

[388] So diarrhea.

[389] And I don't know how many nurse stories you guys have done yet, but I suspect you will get a lot of poop stories.

[390] We love our poop stories.

[391] We love our poop stories.

[392] Yeah.

[393] That's why the nurses are fun to party with.

[394] This gentleman is having copious liquid stools, filling the bed.

[395] Oh, not uncommon in our ICU patient population.

[396] Unfortunately, their electrolytes are imbalanced.

[397] You don't have to tell me about electrolyte.

[398] Yeah.

[399] You just got her heart as a rock and brought up electrolytes.

[400] And you with the poop, Dex.

[401] Yeah, we're both fixing to explode over here.

[402] Well, that's the theme of this.

[403] So this gentleman's got a lot of liquid stool, we've seen it a lot.

[404] And if you didn't know this, one of our great solutions in the ICU for liquid stool is actually to put in a rectal tube.

[405] And so similar to like a fully catheter or a urinary catheter that goes in your bladder and drains out urine, we can actually put in a big tube that you inflate the balloon inside the rectum.

[406] And then the stool just goes right through this too.

[407] This is great.

[408] It's a great invention.

[409] As you can imagine, though, Not that fun to put in.

[410] So as a new nurse, you get a little bit hazed.

[411] And anybody that needs a rectal tube, it's definitely your job.

[412] And it just so happened that this was my patient.

[413] Oh, boy.

[414] My senior nurse, so the nurse who's training me is like, all right, you're putting in the rectal tube.

[415] And I was like, okay, I got this.

[416] So this is pre -COVID.

[417] So all I'm wearing is just a nice pair of gloves.

[418] Face is fully exposed.

[419] I'm wearing my cute scrubs.

[420] I've got my hair down probably because I'm feeling cute.

[421] Yeah.

[422] Watch is glist.

[423] We lay this gentleman on his side and he's in position, so to speak, so that we can insert this rectal tube.

[424] And, you know, stool is still kind of pouring out of him.

[425] So to insert this, I just take my two fingers and I put it inside this little pocket where the balloon is that's going to put this tube in.

[426] And then you kind of loob up your hand.

[427] So I've just lubed up my fingers and then I gently start pressing this little balloon right against this gentleman's anus.

[428] You've lubed up the balloon as well, obviously.

[429] balloon is lubed up.

[430] My gloves are lubed up.

[431] Yeah.

[432] Up to your elbows and loop.

[433] Yeah.

[434] You want to make this as comfortable of a process as possible.

[435] And so I've got my two fingers, my index and my middle finger, just ready to insert.

[436] And as you sort of introduce your fingers right to that area, things tend to get tighter.

[437] Sure.

[438] And that's exactly what that anal sphincter is supposed to do.

[439] So this gentleman starts really clenching down.

[440] So I push a little harder and he's clenching even harder.

[441] And my senior nurse who's standing behind me is like, hey, you need to push hard.

[442] Oh, God.

[443] No action.

[444] This gentleman is clenching more and more.

[445] He's airtight.

[446] Now another nurse is kind of walking by.

[447] She can sense that there's maybe some action going on in this room.

[448] And so she pops her head in and she's like, oh yeah, you need to push way harder than that.

[449] So I keep pushing.

[450] And at this point, I've got some like forearm strength going into this.

[451] And I'm like, guys, I'm pushing pretty hard.

[452] And they're like, all right, let's do a little bit more lube.

[453] So I lube up a little more.

[454] I'm pushing a little harder.

[455] And I think they think I'm being maybe lazy or maybe I'm just timid because this is my first time doing it.

[456] But I'm pushing pretty hard.

[457] And as I'm pushing and pushing and pushing, all of a sudden, this gentleman coughs at a rather inopportune moment.

[458] And my entire forearm slides inside this man's body.

[459] I am a guest.

[460] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[461] Oh, my God.

[462] You went from you could not get the tip in.

[463] So you were fissing this poor gentleman.

[464] I fully fisted this man. Oh, my God.

[465] My forearm is quite literally almost elbow deep in this man. And the nurse is behind me. They've never seen anything like it.

[466] They don't know what to do.

[467] Oh, my God.

[468] This man turns his head to look at me, and he says, what are you women doing fucking with my ass?

[469] So we realized he could speak?

[470] Oh, my God.

[471] No, you cured him.

[472] I do say that to this day that I cured this man. So then I have to slowly take my forearm out.

[473] I'm slipping it out.

[474] You can imagine my entire forearm is now covered in this gentleman's feces.

[475] I am so disgusted.

[476] I look, and I realize my brand new one.

[477] watch, he's not on my wrist.

[478] No. This isn't, this is not, no, no. So I turn to my senior nurses and I say, I don't have my watch anymore.

[479] And they were like, well, you took your watch off before we started, right?

[480] And I said, no, I was wearing my watch.

[481] And they were like, do you think, I said, yeah, I think it's in there.

[482] Hold on, though.

[483] This is so insane.

[484] But you've got a balloon in there as well, right?

[485] So the balloon is not yet inflated.

[486] Oh.

[487] So it is not airtight in there yet.

[488] Uh -huh.

[489] I have to relube my hand for a reinsertion process to then retrieve my watch, which gratefully was just in what we call the rectal vault just inside the anus.

[490] Oh.

[491] But it was in there.

[492] Oh, my God.

[493] Yeah, I mean, that's what would have been tight on your way out that would have caught that watch.

[494] It must have slipped right off.

[495] my fingers and that duck bill position you know right oh my god that yeah you were making your hand as small as possible to get it out of the man's body oh absolutely and then of course I had to reinsert this rectal tube because all this mucking around to get the watch out dislodged the whole thing oh my god this is such a nightmare what's up guys it's your girl kiki and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[496] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[497] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[498] And I don't mean just friends.

[499] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[500] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[501] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[502] We've all been there.

[503] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, and fevers and strange rashes.

[504] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[505] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[506] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[507] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[508] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[509] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[510] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[511] Kind of wish that that was the end of the story with this gentleman, but a couple of weeks later, he's still in the ICU.

[512] As you can imagine, when we have these rectal tubes, we want to do everything to bulk up people's stools so that it's not liquid anymore.

[513] Yes.

[514] He achieves that goal and, in fact, kind of swings the other direction and now he's a little constipated.

[515] Rectal tubes out at this point.

[516] I'm unfortunately his nurse again, but he's speaking, so I've cured him.

[517] That's amazing.

[518] He says, you know what?

[519] I need to go to the bathroom.

[520] Can you help me to the bathroom?

[521] Say, great.

[522] Help this gentleman to the bathroom.

[523] He's sitting in there and he's like, you know, I think it's going to be a while.

[524] I'm still feeling really constipated.

[525] Would you mind bringing me the phone?

[526] and so I was like, yes, sure, thinking naively that this gentleman is going to be making some phone calls or maybe listening to voice messages while he's waiting for the magic to happen.

[527] So this innocent little new graduate nurse brings him the hospital phone, and I ended up knocking on the door every few minutes like, how's it going in there?

[528] How are we doing?

[529] Have we accomplished our mission?

[530] And he just kept yelling, go away, go away, come back.

[531] Finally, after 20 minutes, I was like, I really have to check on him.

[532] And my senior nurses are like, you have got to make sure he's okay in there.

[533] These senior nurses.

[534] Boy, they're riding like a rented mule.

[535] Oh, they're brutal.

[536] So I opened the door and this man is, let's say, satisfying his other needs with a phone call to a special friend.

[537] Okay.

[538] I mean, he hasn't been talking and now he can talk again.

[539] All the other functions had been restored.

[540] Yep.

[541] Wow.

[542] What a trip for him.

[543] He really came out on top.

[544] I can't believe your whole arm was up his ass hole because it went past the glove, right?

[545] So your regular arm was in there.

[546] Oh, inches past the glove.

[547] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[548] She's not wearing like waiters.

[549] Well, that's not like those gloves you wear.

[550] For surgery?

[551] No. No, for plumbing.

[552] For plumbing?

[553] Yeah, you know, like gloves you'd buy at Home Depot.

[554] Dishwashing?

[555] Dishwashing.

[556] Plumbing.

[557] Oh, okay.

[558] Anything water related.

[559] Honestly, I wish I had been wearing those gloves.

[560] I know.

[561] Would have helped you out.

[562] COVID wasn't all bad for nursing staff.

[563] We now have like these little disposable gowns we can wear.

[564] And for procedures like that, I think I would now.

[565] Yeah.

[566] Not just from this experience, but in general, we don't want other people fluid on us anymore.

[567] Oh, yeah, you're like true.

[568] Those days have passed.

[569] Yeah.

[570] Yes, we're past that.

[571] Oof, that was great.

[572] Oh, Lucy, you've seen it all.

[573] You've seen it all.

[574] You've touched it all.

[575] You've been all the way in.

[576] All the way out.

[577] Lucy, what a pleasure meeting you.

[578] We wish you a ton of luck with your studies.

[579] Great to meet you guys.

[580] Thanks so much.

[581] Bye.

[582] We've talked to two nurses and we forgot to ask if they have Munchausen's.

[583] Shut.

[584] I know.

[585] Shit, shit, shit.

[586] Now our pool.

[587] This episode was supposed to be brought to you by Munchausen.

[588] Yeah, now it can't be.

[589] Our sample size is now too small.

[590] Well, we'll deduce if one does and one doesn't.

[591] 50%.

[592] We can go ahead and count that sample size is accurate.

[593] Or we can just limit to one and then we can say definitively.

[594] They all have it or none of them have it.

[595] Hello, how are you guys?

[596] Hi there.

[597] We're good.

[598] Michael?

[599] Is it Michael?

[600] It is, yes.

[601] You have some beautiful garments behind you.

[602] Thank you.

[603] They're my wife's.

[604] I'm hanging out in her closet and she would be very upset with me if I did not mention that she is the one that got me into the show.

[605] Uh -huh.

[606] Give her credit.

[607] Yep.

[608] As with any good thing in my life, she gets the credit.

[609] Okay, wonderful.

[610] Okay, so Michael, you are a nurse, I presume?

[611] I am.

[612] Been a nurse for about six years, mostly in critical care setting, ICU setting.

[613] Okay.

[614] The story I'm going to share actually is from my time when I was a CNA.

[615] So before I became a nurse, and actually my first week as a CNA.

[616] What's a CNA, certified nursing?

[617] Yep, certified nursing assistant.

[618] Very critical to the health care field, definitely undervalued.

[619] Yeah.

[620] Before I get into the story, I just think it's important for me to just mention that I'm not trying to be exploitive of somebody who is going through a crisis, going through something that is either a chronic or acute event for them.

[621] The thing that we often say in health care is you laugh so you don't cry.

[622] Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[623] Oh, yeah.

[624] That's kind of you to say.

[625] And obviously, you'll protect anyone's identity.

[626] Yep.

[627] In this case, I'm just going to say that she was a young woman.

[628] I'm not going to say if that was the actual case, but just to kind of protect the identity.

[629] So this happened when I first moved to Richmond, Virginia.

[630] I was working in politics, looking for a job to kind of get me through to another cycle, perhaps, and a friend of mine got me into mental health care working at a psychiatric hospital.

[631] Whoa.

[632] He said, I can get you on.

[633] You can be a CNA, help the nurses.

[634] He said it's a great job.

[635] It's very interesting.

[636] And that was an understatement.

[637] I bet.

[638] Oh, my God.

[639] First week on the job, first time on the floor where I was going to be working, was considered the ICU for mental health.

[640] This is my introduction to mental illness in America, had not seen that up close before this.

[641] Yeah, I bet it was quite shocking.

[642] Yeah, it is a locked unit.

[643] The nurse's station is locked as well.

[644] I thought it would be a good idea to kind of get my feet wet and just kind of sit out with the patients and sit on the milieu.

[645] You know, I'm watching patients walking around the unit, and I'm noticing one patient just kind of pacing up and down, back and forth.

[646] that's a common occurrence, but what's not common is that she then walked to a table and flip the table upside down.

[647] I stand up, kind of push myself against the wall, waiting for some help because I'm also locked out of the nurse station because I'm the new guy without a key.

[648] Yeah.

[649] So eventually the nurses come out, escort this patient to the back of the unit, and they're like, okay, we got to get her some medication to kind of help her relax, help her calm down.

[650] And she tells them initially that she's not taking shit.

[651] The staff ends up having to gently put hands on to administer what we call a B -52, which is Benadryl, Adavant, and Helldall.

[652] Okay.

[653] The patient gets this medication.

[654] It doesn't work right away.

[655] She continues to escalate.

[656] So she disrobes, and they're like, okay, well, she's back there by herself.

[657] Just kind of let her calm down on her own.

[658] Well, then she defecates on the floor.

[659] And we're like, okay, well, we'll get to that later.

[660] Let her just do her things.

[661] Yeah.

[662] She then takes the shit and she starts eating it.

[663] Nope.

[664] No. No. No. No. Okay.

[665] Everyone's like, fine.

[666] Let's let her finish up.

[667] She's hungry.

[668] My eyes are huge at this point.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Oh.

[671] Really quick.

[672] What's the reaction of your colleagues?

[673] They've been there done that.

[674] Like, was it no biggie or did that even raise some eyebrows?

[675] That was kind of the startling thing for me because some of them just like, yep, another Tuesday.

[676] Yeah.

[677] Oh, Lord.

[678] You can learn a lot from the reaction.

[679] Oh, yeah.

[680] That's for sure.

[681] So even when you're psychotic, shit.

[682] still tastes like shit.

[683] So it comes back up.

[684] She starts vomiting.

[685] Oh, my God.

[686] There's like triangle sadness.

[687] It is.

[688] Just absolutely awful.

[689] Oh.

[690] But the patient then still has her clothes with her, and she then begins to tie them around her neck.

[691] So now we have to go out with the patient to keep her safe.

[692] She's covered in vomit and shit.

[693] Oh.

[694] The walls and floors are covered.

[695] Oh.

[696] And so we gown up.

[697] It looked like what I would ultimately wear for COVID patients.

[698] You got the gown on, you got the face shield on.

[699] Like you're a riot police.

[700] And are you guys not allowed to just handcuff her to the bed?

[701] Ultimately, like sometimes you do need restraints.

[702] That's a great question.

[703] This patient did end up in restraints for a period of time until she was able to calm down.

[704] But it took us getting her in there while she was covered in her own excrement.

[705] Oh, yoy, yoy.

[706] The sad reality that I realized that day is that the janitorial.

[707] territorial services, although they are great.

[708] They do not clean up any bodily fluids.

[709] And that is up to the nursing staff as well.

[710] That's a boundary that the janitors, they say, we got to draw a boundary.

[711] I get it.

[712] If I could set that boundary, I would set it for myself as well.

[713] Well, and then you were low man on the totem pole.

[714] Did you have to?

[715] Oh, yeah.

[716] I was out there cleaning it up as well.

[717] And you kept at it.

[718] That's what's crazy.

[719] You stuck with the job.

[720] I remember going home that night and just looking at my wife and I was thinking like I have no idea what I got myself into here yeah yeah I ended up absolutely loving it ended up going back to school for nursing and that's what I'm still doing now it was a calling yeah yeah that was fuel it takes such a special person to be I'm telling you I say this all the time in here I'm more grateful for nurses I think when you're in trouble and you can't control your bowels yeah and you're eating poop that you don't get thrown in a pit and lit on fire I know but there's kind people who care for you is impossible I know I appreciate you saying that Matt.

[721] Munchausen.

[722] Oh, do you have Munchausen's disorder?

[723] Do I?

[724] No. We regretted.

[725] We were supposed to be polling you guys to find out how many suffered from Munchausen.

[726] Yeah, but we forgot for the first two.

[727] So now we're down to a 50 %.

[728] Yeah, now we're going to have to draw some big conclusions from very few numbers.

[729] Okay, so no Munchausen's for you.

[730] That's a no on Michael.

[731] All right, great.

[732] Okay, well, it's great meeting you.

[733] Thank you so much for telling us that story.

[734] Yeah, thank you guys both so much.

[735] All right, bye -bye.

[736] Bye.

[737] Man. What a life.

[738] So far, nurses don't have Moonschosen's.

[739] Zero percent so far.

[740] They say they over -index, but I'm not seeing it.

[741] I think they're under -indent.

[742] Not in our studies.

[743] I think we can assume the first two do.

[744] No, we're doing real science here.

[745] Both of them started with an L. Yeah.

[746] So, yeah, looks like probably they have Moonschouss.

[747] They both have U's in their names.

[748] That's weird, too.

[749] Hello.

[750] Hey, guys.

[751] Oh, my God.

[752] Look at your cool hat.

[753] Okay.

[754] This is my roommate's hat.

[755] Oh, okay.

[756] Look at your roommate's cool hat.

[757] It's very cool.

[758] She loves you guys, and it was black, and she tiedied it.

[759] Oh, my God.

[760] For the audience, it's an armchair expert.

[761] It's an armchair, yeah.

[762] Armchair expert.

[763] Established, whatever here.

[764] Well, at one point, it was established.

[765] All right, am I using your real name?

[766] Is it Brianna or Brianna?

[767] Brianna.

[768] Brianna.

[769] Got the southern twang in there.

[770] It's perfect.

[771] Okay, and where are you at in the world?

[772] I am in Jackson, Mississippi.

[773] We've not met a ton of folks from Jackson, Mississippi.

[774] No way.

[775] I'm sure you haven't.

[776] Small kid rock sings a song about it.

[777] Okay, claim to fame.

[778] Good start.

[779] If you guys come down, we have a lot of southern food.

[780] You'll leave with type 2 diabetes, I'm sure.

[781] Okay, that's always my goal on vacation.

[782] I get very close.

[783] And are you born and raised in Jackson?

[784] I was born and raised in Jackson.

[785] I just moved back a couple years ago from Nashville.

[786] I was in Nashville for about four years.

[787] Why did you leave?

[788] That's where we're going.

[789] So it was a hard move, but I was in the Air National Guard, and their base is here, and I was a flight nurse with them.

[790] Okay.

[791] And so it was getting really hard to travel back and forth.

[792] So I came back home.

[793] Probably will venture off somewhere.

[794] It's hard for me to stay in one spot.

[795] Well, that's why one joins the military, I suppose.

[796] That's right.

[797] So you're a nurse.

[798] I am.

[799] Before we hear your story, do you have Moonshausin disorder?

[800] I absolutely do not.

[801] But I have seen it.

[802] You have seen it, though.

[803] In the nurse population?

[804] Not as a nurse.

[805] You've seen people admitted who had Moonschowson's.

[806] How do you proceed in that without, I guess, disrespecting?

[807] Like judgment.

[808] Yeah, what do you do?

[809] It's hard.

[810] You got to play along.

[811] You do.

[812] And obviously, it's not like you see the patient for the first time.

[813] And you're like, boom, that's what they have.

[814] Right.

[815] But it's the track record of coming in so many times.

[816] And then there being nothing wrong.

[817] Yes, it gets tricky.

[818] It does.

[819] And also, I'm now realizing there's a very thin line between hypochondria.

[820] in Moonschausen's.

[821] Well, right.

[822] One, you're intentionally trying to get intentioned, but it's on the same continuum, I think, right?

[823] I agree.

[824] I would like to actually talk to maybe like a psychiatrist or something and ask them, how do you differentiate between the two?

[825] Yeah.

[826] Yeah, because I was always under the impression that Munchausen, and especially Munchausen's by proxy, where you make someone sick.

[827] Yeah.

[828] You actually are sick because you like drank the bottle of cough medicine so that when you go in, there's a real something, quote, wrong.

[829] Was hypochondria, you're just worried something's wrong.

[830] And I agree that's the distinction, but I'm just now realizing those are very close neighbors.

[831] I've seen that by proxy, well, it was a mother to a son, but would bring them into the emergency room.

[832] It was a young boy.

[833] They're probably not as aware, but you would do these million -dollar workups because you have to obviously listen to what the patient says.

[834] Yeah, you can't risk that you're wrong.

[835] It's hard.

[836] Yeah.

[837] That's very interesting.

[838] Well, and that wasn't even your crazy nurse story.

[839] No, but working in the emergency.

[840] room, you have so many of them.

[841] I'm sure.

[842] Hard to pick one, I bet.

[843] Nothing surprises me. This story I'm going to tell you guys is definitely in my top five.

[844] Okay, great, great, great.

[845] So I did travel nursing for a while.

[846] So this wasn't in the state of Mississippi.

[847] It was in another emergency room.

[848] I took an assignment in.

[849] And I was working night shift.

[850] We usually get three to four room assignments in the emergency room.

[851] And the nurse that had the day shift will give us that report about what's going on.

[852] So get there.

[853] Everyone's huddled around the nurse's station.

[854] I'm like, oh, gosh, what is it this time?

[855] And they were like, Brianna, you have room 10.

[856] Get ready.

[857] Oh, God.

[858] Oh, that's all the warning.

[859] Right.

[860] And I'm a black cloud.

[861] I was known for that, which in the nursing world means you're the person that when you come onto the shift, everything goes to shit.

[862] Oh, no. Oh, boy.

[863] I'm pretty immune to this.

[864] I was like, okay, I'm ready for it.

[865] Whatever.

[866] Let's bring it.

[867] To back it up, when I walked in, you have to pass room.

[868] and I looked on the floor and I see these white feathers, but I'm not thinking anything yet, right?

[869] I haven't heard the story.

[870] White feathers.

[871] Wow.

[872] Could be a pillow, could be an animal.

[873] Right, anything.

[874] So the nurse takes me just a little bit outside of the room.

[875] The door is shut and she says, I need to tell you the story before you go in.

[876] Yeah.

[877] So that you're not shocked.

[878] And so she proceeds to tell me that boyfriend and girlfriend, they're dressed in chicken costumes.

[879] Oh, my God.

[880] They were role playing.

[881] Obviously, boyfriend is the rooster and the girlfriend is the hen.

[882] Obviously.

[883] Well, you never know.

[884] You never know.

[885] Guy could want to be a hen.

[886] I was being very sarcastic.

[887] That anything obvious would be a part of any of these sentences.

[888] Apparently, boyfriend wants mother hen here to sit on eggs and then continue to have sex.

[889] Stop the sex, sit on some eggs, resume the sex, that kind of back and forth.

[890] Watch you sit on some eggs.

[891] because it arouses you, apparently.

[892] Okay.

[893] And then uses the eggs because obviously they're going to break.

[894] They're fragile as like a lubrication.

[895] Oh, no. Bad idea.

[896] Yeah, I had a lot of questions.

[897] Yeah, sure.

[898] So that was, I guess, what was going down here.

[899] And as I continued, eggshells were being pushed further up.

[900] Of course.

[901] Yeah.

[902] Girlfriend decides, okay, this is hurting.

[903] So let's take a pause from this.

[904] He's like, She's like, stay in character.

[905] For real, Tony.

[906] Oh, I guess they decided to keep their chicken costumes on and come to the emergency room as if this is not as embarrassing as it should be.

[907] Right.

[908] What was shocking to me is that there was no embarrassing sense in the room at all.

[909] This is what we were doing.

[910] This is normal.

[911] Wow.

[912] Good for them.

[913] Owning it.

[914] They would not be shamed.

[915] Yeah, you own your stories.

[916] But there's a practical aspect of this, which is like, clear.

[917] clearly get out of the chicken outfit before you go to the emergency room because even what's law enforcement to think that you've just robbed a bank in disguise.

[918] I mean, you can't be driving around like a chicken.

[919] I mean, you can.

[920] We live in a free country.

[921] Of course, you can, but it's not advisable.

[922] No. I mean, you could get pulled over in a chicken outfit.

[923] And if the officer, I'm sorry, but we have to go to the emergency room.

[924] Then you have to tell your story all over.

[925] My wife's vagina is full of eggshells.

[926] Oh.

[927] Oh, that's got to be terrible.

[928] And so there is a bedside pelvic exam you can do in the emergency room.

[929] And of course, that's what we did.

[930] But there were some other things going on.

[931] So a plot twist to the end of this story is it's not just eggshells.

[932] There's a hot dog.

[933] There's a hot dog in there.

[934] This is so out of a genre.

[935] This is like a cowboy appearing in Pulp Fiction.

[936] This makes no sense.

[937] This is like the rumor.

[938] Also, the rumor at every high school where someone gets a hot dog stuff.

[939] up their vagina, but really that's never happened, but I guess it has.

[940] Yes, it has.

[941] This is my first time experiencing.

[942] We do see a lot of foreign bodies in the rectum, but this was definitely a new experience.

[943] They did end up sending her to surgery to make sure there was no fragments left behind because I believe it had been there for a minute and she was having other symptoms, you know, not just pain, but discharge and whatnot.

[944] Oh, boy.

[945] Wow, so they got her all cleaned up and sewn up and everything and were you in a small enough town that you saw them again?

[946] I did not see them again.

[947] If it were me, I would move.

[948] You would.

[949] Yeah.

[950] This was a small town, a very small town, because usually the assignments you take as a nurse are in towns where they can't get a lot of staffing.

[951] There's a big shortage.

[952] Yeah.

[953] I can't believe they were still in their costumes when you walked in there.

[954] Just standing.

[955] I know.

[956] I mean, like, this has nothing to do with shame of their sexual routine.

[957] No. I'm so supportive.

[958] of it.

[959] It's a little blowhardy to show up in the outfits.

[960] I agree.

[961] Oh, wow.

[962] Well, Rihanna, that was incredible.

[963] I'm happy for you and sorry for you that you witnessed all that all at once.

[964] I feel the same way to this day.

[965] Well, it's great meeting you.

[966] Yes.

[967] Thanks for sharing.

[968] Good luck with everything.

[969] Thank you.

[970] You too.

[971] All right.

[972] Take care.

[973] All right.

[974] Bye.

[975] Bye.

[976] It's a mystery.

[977] Wow.

[978] It's a mystery.

[979] I didn't realize these would become mysteries, but you can hear there.

[980] We know zero percent Munchausen's.

[981] Zero percent.

[982] Yeah.

[983] Although she's.

[984] observed it but that doesn't count for nurse the nurse population yeah so zero percent that's the lowest rate of anything ever well we learned a lot and honestly from the bottom of my heart god bless you nurses i mean honestly i'm so grateful yeah it's crazy the bravery it is true sacrifice yeah but you know the action's good like i can also see the appeal shit's happening you're not bored at work especially if you're in that ICU oh oh oh oh oh All right, well, I love you.

[985] I can't actually doubt anyone will hear any of this because I'm going to tell them very firmly not to listen to this episode at the top.

[986] So, all right.

[987] Okay, bye.

[988] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[989] I want to sing a tune or something?

[990] Oh, okay, great.

[991] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

[992] We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of our Jerry's book and some suggestions.

[993] I'm a flyer rhymed dish On the flyer rhyme dish Enjoy Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early And ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app Or on Apple Podcasts.

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