#46 - Chris Aubrey Marcus (Part 2)

[0] They just have this dense, thick heel skin that curls over on each side.

[1] Yeah.

[2] Like a human flip -flop.

[3] You could hide a Q -tip from where the ankles, the calves go into the ankles.

[4] You could just tuck one in there and not even see it.

[5] We were talking about that, too.

[6] That's the thing that you least have sympathy for is someone who's overweight.

[7] You know, I sympathize with people who have glandular problems.

[8] Sure.

[9] But if you just...

[10] A fat fuck just gluttonizing all day.

[11] Have you ever fucked a fat chick?

[12] Say that again?

[13] Have you ever fucked a fat chick?

[14] I'm going to give you a second chance.

[15] I'm sure I have.

[16] Sure, I've blocked it out.

[17] It's been a long time.

[18] Actually, it's a little bit like, hey, it's more chick.

[19] And it actually, you know, you get sweaty and greasy.

[20] It's like you're fucking more woman.

[21] And I kind of enjoyed it.

[22] It was different.

[23] Do you feel more comfortable with your body, too?

[24] Because you're like, listen, bitch, you know you're fat.

[25] You know, I didn't think of it that way.

[26] It was kind of like, oh, there's skin and boobs everywhere and ass everywhere.

[27] Do you ever feel uncomfortable about your body?

[28] I could fuck any one of these folds in her stomach.

[29] Right.

[30] It was just weird.

[31] Like, I don't want to do it again, but it was definitely interesting.

[32] Who was it that told us that alien fucks with a shirt on?

[33] Was it Ari?

[34] Probably Duncan.

[35] I don't remember.

[36] Whatever.

[37] Point is, I guess if you were banging...

[38] I don't think it's alright.

[39] I think I'm incorrect.

[40] If you're banging...

[41] It might have been Louis C .K. Oh, I can see that.

[42] No, well...

[43] I think he actually has a bit on it, actually.

[44] I'm pretty sure that's it.

[45] Yeah, I think Louis has a bit on it.

[46] You know, if you're fucking a fat chick, you can loosen up.

[47] If you're banging some super hot...

[48] alpha female with perfect shape like why is she even letting me fuck her this is ridiculous right like i'm not even worthy but if it's a fat girl you're like bitch you know this is as good as you can get that's funny yeah there's definitely i mean and culturally you know there's some there's some cultures that still There's a lot of dudes who like him fat.

[49] They like him.

[50] I have a friend who likes thick girls, and he always jokes about it.

[51] Sam Tripoli.

[52] He jokes about it.

[53] He likes them thick.

[54] He likes them thick.

[55] He goes, I like a thick girl.

[56] Just so you say it out loud.

[57] I like them big.

[58] I like a big ass.

[59] And he's hilarious about it.

[60] That's what he likes, man. That's his type of woman.

[61] Always has been.

[62] And he's not faking it.

[63] That's what he likes.

[64] That's what's real.

[65] Everybody's got their own thing.

[66] So that's a fucking weird thing.

[67] Like when someone's got a little twist.

[68] Yeah.

[69] A little twist in what they're attracted to.

[70] I like a girl with a fucking, like a long foot.

[71] I don't want a big foot.

[72] I don't want a wide foot.

[73] But I like a girl with a long foot.

[74] I have friends who will look at a girl's feet almost first.

[75] Wow.

[76] And they'll be like, oh, no. No, look at her.

[77] She's got like a size 10.

[78] And they'll just be out.

[79] I'm like, what?

[80] I didn't even notice that.

[81] So the big feet?

[82] Big feet are bad or like weird toes?

[83] I'm like that with weak chins and weak eyebrows.

[84] If a girl has a weak chin?

[85] Or a weak eyebrow.

[86] Really small chins are disturbing.

[87] Yeah, they're disturbing.

[88] I don't like it.

[89] There's something wrong with you genetically.

[90] Right.

[91] Like if you're really missing a chin.

[92] Yeah, because it reminds me of like a frog or something.

[93] It's odd.

[94] It's an oddity.

[95] Like why is your lower jaw so small?

[96] Yeah.

[97] Like do you not have to chew things?

[98] Are you more evolved than me?

[99] Are you in the next stage where we're going to be eating liquid fruit?

[100] Can you blow that out into a bubble and make a nice song from your mouth?

[101] What is that?

[102] Is that evolution?

[103] Are they more evolved than us?

[104] I don't know.

[105] But what's up?

[106] And also, eyebrows.

[107] I don't know about you guys, but eyebrows bug me when chicks have really drawn -on eyebrows or just no eyebrow at all.

[108] That bugs you?

[109] It bugs the fuck out.

[110] Why do chicks trim their eyebrows?

[111] don't give a fuck.

[112] They don't even know.

[113] If a girl has big bushy eyebrows, we don't give a fuck.

[114] Doesn't make her less hot.

[115] Girls with a unibrow.

[116] But you know what?

[117] If a girl's really hot and she's got a unibrow, who gives a fuck?

[118] I can tolerate a unibrow.

[119] pretend she's some crazy Israeli bitch that just got out of the Secret Service over there or something.

[120] She's over here spying on you, but she falls in love and you're banging her.

[121] I don't think a uni brown would bother me at all, man. Hairy legs are tripped.

[122] What about facial hair?

[123] I dated a girl when I was really young who was...

[124] she was going to an all -girls school.

[125] She was going to an all -girls college, and her and her friends wouldn't shave their legs.

[126] They were like super feminist hippie chicks, and this just did not work out.

[127] The conversations that we had were...

[128] It was like they went to this completely all -girls school that was super ultra -liberal, ultra -socialist ideals, and their view of the world was very strange, and they wouldn't shave.

[129] Why should women have to shave and men don't shave?

[130] I'm like, how about we both shave?

[131] I'll fucking shave for you.

[132] If the only way to get you to shave is that I have to shave, I'll fucking shave.

[133] I don't mind having shaved legs.

[134] I think it's weird, but I'll do it if you'll do it.

[135] I can't fuck you, Hobbit lady.

[136] You got hair on your feet.

[137] That's just a trip, man. Girls don't be having hair on your feet.

[138] Please, stop that.

[139] But that's been, I mean, this female shaving has been going on for thousands of years.

[140] Right, but what is the reason for that?

[141] Is there an evolutionary reason?

[142] Why are we so much more attracted to less hair?

[143] And why is hair disgusting to us?

[144] Is it a hygiene thing?

[145] For pussy, right?

[146] It must be a hygiene thing, right?

[147] Like, you got all that crazy hair.

[148] I don't know.

[149] You don't even know what the fuck is in there.

[150] You don't know what's clean.

[151] Well, men are visual creatures too, so it hides the...

[152] But some guys like hairy pussies.

[153] Hairy pussies on the comeback.

[154] I mean, Harry Potter is very 2010.

[155] Sasha Gray and some of these girls, and they're rocking it.

[156] They got the bush.

[157] But they cut it off right at the top.

[158] I mean, they don't go all the way through to the full.

[159] So they let a top bush, but they don't let the butthole bush go.

[160] Yeah.

[161] So what do they do?

[162] They wax around all that?

[163] Wax their laser and laser around it.

[164] Just keep a landing patch?

[165] Or a tweezer.

[166] No, but it's not a landing patch.

[167] No, but it's a full triangle.

[168] Is that like a defiance thing?

[169] Like I'm going to redefine my sexuality.

[170] I think it's just that people get so accustomed to one thing that the new is hot.

[171] Probably it'll go in 10 years.

[172] Sasha Gray fascinates me. And one of the reasons why she fascinates me is because she's like the girl that like somehow or another is free of the porn and more into more like a mainstream.

[173] people's thoughts.

[174] You know what I'm saying?

[175] She's not just thought of it.

[176] She's elevated.

[177] She's left just the total porn world and she's permeated regular pop culture.

[178] And it's strange when something like that happens.

[179] How does one do that?

[180] There's always like...

[181] There's people that are super successful at something like Lance Armstrong.

[182] Boom, there's the guy.

[183] He's the guy who rides the bike.

[184] And Jenna Jameson.

[185] There's the super porn star.

[186] She's the one.

[187] And then there's a few that get through, the Tracy Lords that get through, and then other people know about them.

[188] But Sasha Gray is one.

[189] She's a unique one.

[190] She is.

[191] It's interesting because she's on the very hardcore side of the business, too.

[192] She's no holds barred.

[193] Whatever she's down with.

[194] But she kind of does it in a way where she's like, I want to explore all of the sides of sexuality, including the dark side.

[195] So she kind of has owned it from the beginning.

[196] I think that's made it better.

[197] You don't feel like Sasha, like, oh, poor Sasha.

[198] You're like, Sasha is doing what she wants to do, and she's doing it on camera.

[199] That, I think, has helped her out a lot.

[200] She got a big break with Steven Soderbergh's film.

[201] I didn't see that.

[202] Did you see that?

[203] Yeah, it was a little tough to watch the whole thing, but it was cool.

[204] Did it suck?

[205] Yeah, I would have liked it as a short movie.

[206] You seem reluctant to say it sucked.

[207] Well, I know Sasha.

[208] I know some of these girls.

[209] Well, she was an awesome actor, but look what she had to work with.

[210] Well, it was a cool feeling, but you can't drag that on for an hour and a half.

[211] What's the cool feeling?

[212] What is the movie about?

[213] It's kind of this very dark, kind of artistic...

[214] analysis of uh of a call girl you know and how that interaction is but it could have been done with one scene like you get it you get the scene you get the feeling you get how this interaction goes so in the girlfriend experience is she providing like an intimate call girl experience that it's like having a girlfriend is that what the premises exactly I saw like two minutes of it once on television that's just about right really but it just I saw the two minutes I saw was the last two she was like talking to this guy and hugging him and then they cut to black and I was like what the fuck is that just kind of a snippet that lasts a little bit too long that's a fucking strange thing man you ever have a buddy that's in love with a prostitute I've had guys fall in love with the stripper, like the T -Pain song.

[215] I had a friend who was in love with a prostitute.

[216] He was a guy I used to play pool with.

[217] Very nice guy.

[218] But he was unfortunate looking.

[219] And he did not do very well with the ladies.

[220] And he would go to this massage parlor and get jerked off by this one prostitute.

[221] And it was like one of those creepy massage parlors.

[222] It wasn't really a massage parlor.

[223] They'd rub you back and then just go, what's up?

[224] Pull your dick out.

[225] Let's do this.

[226] And he wanted to ask her out to dinner outside, and she wouldn't go out with them.

[227] And he was trying to figure out, like he was asking me what I should do.

[228] What the magic words were.

[229] What should I do to get her to come out with me?

[230] I really would like to see her outside of the club.

[231] Yeah.

[232] And I was like, oh, you're on your own, dude.

[233] I don't know.

[234] I don't know where the Rosetta Stone is that's going to translate that.

[235] There's so many things wrong with what you're trying to do.

[236] I mean, yeah, okay, what happens then?

[237] You become boyfriend and girlfriend, and she agrees, listen, no more in the mouth, only hand jobs from now on.

[238] Like, do you guys, do you come to an agreement, or do you accept the fact that this is what she does at work?

[239] That's work for her.

[240] That's tough.

[241] Strange, right?

[242] It's strange that we're so, it's so genetically attached.

[243] We're so genetically attached to controlling each other's sexuality.

[244] You know, you could have a wife that was a massage therapist.

[245] And she could be, ah, she gives great deep tissue.

[246] She'll let her rub you, Bob.

[247] Oh, really?

[248] Your wife's going to rub me?

[249] Is she going to rub me with oil all over my back?

[250] And am I going to groan?

[251] While she's rubbing me, am I going to go, oh, yeah.

[252] Oh, so good.

[253] And you're going to be cool with that?

[254] Yeah.

[255] It's okay because it's just rubbing your back.

[256] But if she rubs your dick and you make those same noises, I mean, basically, she's doing the same thing.

[257] She's just massaging you.

[258] But it just feels way better.

[259] But it feels too good.

[260] Too much.

[261] Too much.

[262] You're going to get psychologically attached to her rubbing on your dick.

[263] You can't do that.

[264] We draw the line.

[265] It's a funny paradigm, and it's certainly always been one -sided.

[266] I wouldn't even want a chick who does massages.

[267] I would feel creeped out.

[268] Get a bunch of my buddies come over and you massage them.

[269] I'm like, what?

[270] Could you imagine if you had a chick that was doing massages and you were really into her, and then one of your buddies started getting massages from her?

[271] You're like, hey, bro, what the fuck?

[272] What are you doing?

[273] And they have a nice long hug when they see each other.

[274] Thank you so much for the big tip.

[275] Oh, please, you're the best.

[276] Stop it.

[277] I'm not the best.

[278] You're the best.

[279] You kill me. I can't wait for the next one.

[280] When's our next one?

[281] When's our next one?

[282] When are we doing this again?

[283] Oh, stop.

[284] And you're like, hey, are you guys fucking?

[285] What's going on over here?

[286] God damn it.

[287] You're causing pleasure with your hands.

[288] And you're rubbing his ass cheeks.

[289] What's up?

[290] What's up?

[291] That's interesting.

[292] And then you have those conversations like, would you tell me if Mark got a hard -on while you were massaging him?

[293] What are you saying?

[294] Stop it.

[295] God.

[296] Yeah.

[297] There's a real distinction for me. And there's some people who won't let their girls get a massage.

[298] What?

[299] Yeah, for sure.

[300] They won't let them get a massage from another male masseuse.

[301] That's some Taliban -type shit.

[302] But, you know, and then it just is a whole variety of different levels of what people are comfortable with.

[303] Well, I can see that.

[304] No dude's fucking seeing you naked and rubbing your legs.

[305] He's going to look at your pussy.

[306] Yeah, for sure.

[307] For sure.

[308] I mean, it's an interesting paradigm.

[309] I mean, for me, I think I wouldn't...

[310] Me and my girl have a very open, honest relationship.

[311] Cue the music.

[312] We respect each other's ability to just want to go out and experience things.

[313] This segment of Chris Marcus's Pimp Hand is brought to you by the fleshlight.

[314] Please continue.

[315] There's a real hard line between...

[316] I'm totally cool with her getting a massage.

[317] And even in some perfect circumstance where there was some eunuch who needed to manually get her off at some point, I think I would be cool with that.

[318] A eunuch?

[319] Well, you know, whatever.

[320] They don't exist anymore.

[321] You'll be cool with, but they do.

[322] The Castrati still exists.

[323] They still chop their balls off so they can sing high.

[324] But some situation where it was very mechanical.

[325] She goes in for a service.

[326] He mechanically gets up.

[327] But at the point where it's like he's lusting and she's lusting there, that's where the fucking hard line is.

[328] You know, like, forget about it.

[329] No lust.

[330] Just physical.

[331] Yeah.

[332] No lust.

[333] For me, I can make the connection.

[334] It's the same as rubbing the back or doing something like that.

[335] It's the same as you going to the jerk -off salon.

[336] Right.

[337] You go there, some girl just rubs your balls with hot oil and jerks you off, and that's it.

[338] Nothing was going on.

[339] Purely mechanical.

[340] Thank you.

[341] That was great.

[342] That was awesome.

[343] I got rid of that.

[344] Not like you go out and talk about your childhood.

[345] I don't even know my dad.

[346] Oh, my God.

[347] I don't know my dad either.

[348] Next thing you know, you're holding hands, laying in the field, looking up at the stars.

[349] Fuck all that, man. That's just bullshit.

[350] Yeah, that's no good.

[351] No dice.

[352] The real question is going to be, what happens when we create artificial people and fuck them?

[353] And are people even going to bother with relationships?

[354] That's the real question.

[355] You are on...

[356] the brink of this with this fleshlight thing.

[357] Because now you guys are the first people that have created an effective artificial vagina.

[358] Right.

[359] All those other ones are bullshit.

[360] All those blow -up dolls, those are for bachelor party gag gift bags, all right?

[361] Those are silly.

[362] Nobody really fucks blow -up dolls.

[363] If you do, it's not good.

[364] You're better off jerking off.

[365] You might fuck one once, but they're not good.

[366] Yeah.

[367] You guys have...

[368] engineered a true artificial vagina.

[369] But this is just step one.

[370] Remember when TVs, when you go over your grandfather's house and the TV was this big giant ass fucking cabinet and the TV itself was only like 11 inches across and you needed this fucking monstrous piece of furniture with big tubes and shit in the back and wires and remember when sometimes sparks would come out the back and you'd have to open up that there was like a particle board back to it and you'd unscrew it and pull it back and look inside the bowels of this fucking beast.

[371] Now look at it.

[372] You can watch your little iPhone.

[373] It slips in your pocket, man. And it's way higher resolution.

[374] It's a much better experience watching a movie on your iPhone than it is one of those stupid TVs or an iPad.

[375] Jesus Christ.

[376] Yeah.

[377] The iPad of the fake pussy is coming.

[378] Hopefully, Fleshlight will be the ones to do it.

[379] Do you think so?

[380] Are you guys working with genetic engineers?

[381] Are you on the cusp of nanotechnology?

[382] Well, you know, I mean, all of that, that's kind of the golden goose.

[383] Like, the more realistic you can get it, interactive, you know, like fully.

[384] People have tried to do it, but no one's done it well yet.

[385] So, obviously, we're looking into it.

[386] I mean, things have to evolve.

[387] I mean, the Fleshlight.

[388] Are you looking into robotics?

[389] Yeah, well, to a certain degree.

[390] Do you have one eye on robotics?

[391] For sure.

[392] Like, hmm, just at a distance?

[393] Yeah, I mean, I don't want to get too much into it, but we've certainly explored all those different things, even making it so that they could register your performance.

[394] So you could almost log in and see how your performance is compared to somebody else on your machine.

[395] Like in Quartz?

[396] No, no. Like a video game.

[397] How do you register fucking as a game?

[398] You have high scores, like high score.

[399] You are devaluing the personal experience.

[400] You're taking it too far, man. 2 ,000 strokes.

[401] Shouldn't it be like three?

[402] You're not fucking a person who you're trying to make feel good.

[403] You're trying to shoot a load.

[404] Do this ten times?

[405] I'm like, why is it taking so long?

[406] You know what you should have?

[407] You should have, like, fleshlight pants for gay guys.

[408] There's, like, a thing, like, the end of the fleshlight, so it goes on their assholes.

[409] When other guys fuck the other guy, it feels better.

[410] You know, like, it feels like a pussy adapter for another guy's asshole.

[411] How do you know that they don't like the feeling of guys' assholes?

[412] I don't know.

[413] I'm just saying mix it up a little bit.

[414] They only have one type.

[415] Listen, if a dude is fucking you in the butt, he's fucking you in the butt, all right?

[416] You can't have a filter.

[417] for that.

[418] You want to hear something rather disturbing is that actually happened except the guy just put the fleshlight straight in his butt from the bottom.

[419] Oh, really?

[420] Yeah.

[421] Fish in the butt.

[422] I didn't see that, but our fleshjack team informed me. Okay.

[423] There was a video.

[424] Oh, it was a video?

[425] There was a video of this.

[426] So the guy stuffed the fleshlight up his butt and another guy fucked the fleshlight.

[427] Would that make you gay?

[428] Yes.

[429] Fish in the butt.

[430] I'm not sure.

[431] I don't know about that.

[432] Dude, if you do fish in the butt, it's gay.

[433] Listen, if you...

[434] Yeah, but I'm saying if a guy fucks you, you're a fleshlight.

[435] Okay, see, if you stuff a fleshlight up your ass, that's gay.

[436] If the guy fucks your fleshlight, is he gay?

[437] Is he gay?

[438] Is that what you're saying?

[439] He's just fucking a rubber vagina.

[440] It's gay if you're somehow touching a guy getting off.

[441] Okay, what if you don't touch him?

[442] What if you just assume a high mount?

[443] Spread your legs apart.

[444] He keeps his legs closed on top.

[445] Do you want me to say no for a reason?

[446] Shut up!

[447] Is he gay?

[448] Is it queer?

[449] Is that queer?

[450] That would be weird.

[451] One of our most popular selling units is called the stamina training unit, though.

[452] I have one of those.

[453] Explain this.

[454] Well, the concept is basically that your hand doesn't feel anything like pussy, so it doesn't prepare you to have sex.

[455] So there's a lot of anxiety, performance anxiety, people who don't last long enough, want to last longer.

[456] So we've been able to give them a product that's very highly sensitive inner canal so they can use it and get a little bit more prepared and sensitized.

[457] And people love it.

[458] We get feedback like, man, thank you so much.

[459] I've always had problems with this, but now I've gotten a lot better.

[460] Yeah, the first time you actually stick your dick inside a vagina.

[461] It's like, whoa.

[462] Yeah, I remember the first time I had sex, I came in one second.

[463] I came in one second.

[464] I stuck it, and I pulled it out, and there was just loads everywhere.

[465] Oh, my God.

[466] I barely made it.

[467] You have no idea what that's going to feel like.

[468] The first time I blew a load, I was in shock.

[469] I didn't even know that, you know, I wasn't, nobody told me shit, all right?

[470] My parents didn't tell me anything.

[471] And when I was, I guess I was like 14 or 15, 15, my girlfriend blew me and I busted one in her mouth and my ears rang and I was like, what the hell was that?

[472] Like, I couldn't believe that.

[473] Like, stuff comes out of you.

[474] Like, you could feel it come out of you.

[475] Like, whoa, oh, that's what I've been building up to.

[476] I didn't know that there was even an orgasm thing.

[477] I recall it.

[478] being like a 30 second orgasm though oh yeah like it lasted a ridiculous amount my fucking ears rang the first time I came my ears rang they haven't rang since Wow.

[479] Because I never gave myself a day off.

[480] I've given myself like one day off since.

[481] No, I did one time for my website.

[482] No, it was like 30 days or something like that.

[483] I tried to do.

[484] But yeah, you never recapture.

[485] It's like they say with heroin addicts.

[486] The first time they shoot heroin, it's this insanely beautiful experience.

[487] And from then on, you're chasing the dragon.

[488] Chasing the dragon, yeah.

[489] Yeah, you know that expression.

[490] Yeah, what is that?

[491] The first load you blow.

[492] It's like, as good as it gets, kids.

[493] Love it.

[494] Enjoy it.

[495] But the experience is so rough that it's terrible.

[496] I mean, you're just nervous.

[497] I remember, man, I remember the first time I'm trying to figure out how to use this condom and I'm going into the bathroom and I'm just like, it's not working right.

[498] And she's in the bed and she's ready.

[499] And I was like, literally like the face was hot and I just came out and just gave up.

[500] I was like, I'm sorry.

[501] We got to come up with a different paradigm to make this happen.

[502] Like, you know, and eventually you figure it out and work.

[503] But that first time is fucking brutal.

[504] Tough.

[505] Tough.

[506] What do you think about these fighters that hold off for months of time?

[507] That's ridiculous.

[508] They're crazy.

[509] They're distracting the shit out of themselves.

[510] Yeah, that seems like a really bad idea.

[511] That's so silly.

[512] There's no writing, no tests, no studies done ever that show a decrease in performance due to the fact that you're having sex.

[513] I think the distraction that you would get from not having sex would be way more problematic.

[514] That would fuck you up more.

[515] It would fuck up your train of thought.

[516] You wouldn't want to fight.

[517] You want to get some pussy cock up.

[518] fucking late.

[519] I've only gotten laid in eight weeks.

[520] I've been going through training camp.

[521] That's crazy.

[522] They seem to say that it builds aggression.

[523] That they just want to fucking conquer.

[524] I'm sure it does.

[525] How much aggression do you need, man?

[526] You're a fucking professional cage fighter already.

[527] Chances are you're aggressive.

[528] You need to be more fucked up.

[529] I wonder if they have better ground game, though, because they always want to get on the ground.

[530] I'll tell you who used to fight and who used to fuck right before he fought.

[531] Tyson.

[532] That should be the end of the discussion.

[533] I didn't abstain.

[534] I didn't abstain from sexual intercourse.

[535] It's just a natural feeling for me. I just had to make sure I was relaxed before my big fights.

[536] Those old Tyson training videos are beautiful.

[537] The best was his early fights, man, like Marvis Frazier.

[538] You ever watch the Marvis Frazier fight?

[539] That was his assault.

[540] He just ran up to that regular dude and beat the fuck out of him with his super alpha body.

[541] That shit didn't even make any sense.

[542] He came out of nowhere and got everybody excited about fighting again.

[543] For the longest time after Muhammad Ali, nobody gave a fuck about boxing.

[544] It's like the Larry Holmes era.

[545] Everybody's like, what?

[546] Larry Holmes is fighting Pinklin Thomas.

[547] Who gives a fuck?

[548] I don't even know if they ever fought.

[549] But you know my point.

[550] It was like, who gives a shit?

[551] Oh, Tony Tubbs.

[552] Who gives a shit?

[553] Michael Dokes.

[554] Whatever.

[555] Then all of a sudden, this crazy motherfucker moving 100 times faster than everybody else and just smashing people in the face at will.

[556] That's what we wanted to see.

[557] We didn't want to see close fights.

[558] Yeah, those fights were electric.

[559] We wanted to see assaults.

[560] Yeah, two minutes.

[561] It was worth it.

[562] Not really, though.

[563] People get pissed off sometimes.

[564] You have a bunch of friends over for pay -per -view because nobody gives a fuck about the prelims in boxing.

[565] That's one of the beautiful things about the UFC.

[566] You get a UFC card, you're not just getting the main event.

[567] You're getting a fuckload of other fights, and they're all well -matched, and they're all people you give a shit about.

[568] They're all exciting fights, especially the ones that actually make the air.

[569] So there's a bunch of shit to watch.

[570] So if the end fight is only like 15 seconds, like Anderson Silva and James Irvin or something, like, bam, it's over.

[571] You don't feel ripped off.

[572] You feel like, well, we saw a lot of shit before we saw that.

[573] Those Tyson fights, man. I'd have friends saying, I didn't even buy it.

[574] The last one was 30 fucking seconds.

[575] That's true.

[576] Heck yeah, man, but that's kind of the point.

[577] But you had to see it.

[578] It was an epic moment.

[579] The one I missed was the one where he lost.

[580] Yeah, I saw that.

[581] Because I was like, eh, who fucking, he's going to beat the shit out of this guy.

[582] Buster.

[583] I'm like, Buster Douglas was like 60 to 1 underdog or something crazy.

[584] Crazy.

[585] What was the, he was something nutty, right?

[586] Wasn't it like 30 to 1 or something?

[587] Yeah.

[588] He got the.

[589] And then I remember I watched it, I watched the tape, and I was convinced while I was watching the tape that he was going to win.

[590] I'd be like, Tyson's going to win this.

[591] I was like, I know he's going to win.

[592] I knew he got knocked out, but I was watching a fucking replay of it.

[593] And I was like, she's going to win this.

[594] I know he's going to come back.

[595] She's going to win this.

[596] It's been a big fucking joke on Joe Rogan.

[597] It doesn't make any sense, man. He can't be losing.

[598] Tyson doesn't lose.

[599] It's important when you're a kid to realize that there are human beings, that everyone's just a human being.

[600] Because there's a few people that just pass that human being mark in your brain.

[601] You know, like Mike Tyson or meeting somebody, meeting some famous dude.

[602] I met Ace Frehley when I was a little kid.

[603] And all of a sudden, he was just this dude.

[604] Ace Frehley was the lead guitarist of Kiss, for people who don't know.

[605] And my uncle used to work in an advertising agency.

[606] And we're in his office, and I'm hanging out with my uncle.

[607] And all of a sudden, this dude walks in, and it's Ace Frehley.

[608] And I was a huge Kiss fan.

[609] I didn't even have his makeup on.

[610] This is back when Kiss wore makeup.

[611] You didn't know who they are.

[612] He's like, that's Ace Frehley.

[613] I was like, what the fuck are you saying?

[614] I couldn't believe the dude was right there.

[615] And as you get older, you go, oh, that's just another dude.

[616] Yeah, same with Kenny Loggins.

[617] What's that, Brian?

[618] Can you imagine?

[619] There's people like Kenny Loggins that people think that way about.

[620] I met Kenny Loggins.

[621] Did you really?

[622] He's pretty cool.

[623] Did you dance with him?

[624] He's the one who plays the flute, right?

[625] What does he play?

[626] Oh, not Kenny Loggins.

[627] Kenny G. Yeah, Kenny Loggins.

[628] I met Kenny G. Footloose.

[629] I didn't meet Footloose.

[630] I met the flute dude.

[631] Does he play the flute?

[632] What does Kenny Loggins play?

[633] Clarinet or something.

[634] Is he the only dude to ever get that famous from playing that instrument?

[635] Right.

[636] He must be a bad motherfucker.

[637] Kenny G's like the Lance Armstrong of the flute or whatever the fuck he plays.

[638] Piper was pretty popular.

[639] What does Kenny G play?

[640] Saxophone?

[641] Does he play the sax?

[642] He does a little bit of saxophone.

[643] Or is that John Tash?

[644] I don't know.

[645] I just have a...

[646] Super white guy saxophone.

[647] A horrible chorus in my head.

[648] Super white.

[649] Yeah.

[650] Super white guy clarinet.

[651] Yeah.

[652] Still never gonna dance again.

[653] That kind of shit.

[654] Kenny G was giant for a while, man. And giant with anger.

[655] People would get angry at Kenny G music.

[656] You know?

[657] Like, dudes, like, comics always used Kenny G was an awesome punchline if you wanted to shit on somebody.

[658] You know?

[659] Why is that?

[660] I think it's the emasculation that he represented.

[661] Yeah.

[662] He represents dudes married to women they don't want.

[663] to be married to, out on dates, having to go to a Kenny fucking G concert and just sitting there in shit, in a world of shit.

[664] When you can be with your friends at the bar drinking and throwing darts and talking shit and watching sports and having fun.

[665] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're at a Kenny G concert, stupid, and you have a jacket on because she likes the way you look with jackets.

[666] I like a sport jacket.

[667] And you got your fucking sport jacket on.

[668] That's what raised the ire.

[669] Yeah, you're eating shit.

[670] That's it.

[671] That's the end of the show.

[672] That was romantic, ending it with Kenny G. Before we go, Joe, I brought a gift for you and Brian here.

[673] What do you got?

[674] So, you know, people kind of overlook a lot of very legal and very cool substances that are available.

[675] And so I brought you guys some blue lotus oil.

[676] Now, as you know, lotus oil was...

[677] historically prized from the land of the lotus eaters, kind of gives you this euphoric, poppied feeling.

[678] That's why it exists in a lot of Hindu artwork, right?

[679] The lotus flower.

[680] So it's actually quite, it takes like a ton of lotus oil to make this one little vial here.

[681] This might be loud as I undo it.

[682] Well, what is it?

[683] So it's a little vial here.

[684] Let me open this up here.

[685] Don't they extract like out of thousands and thousands and thousands of lotus?

[686] It's a ton.

[687] It's an actual ton of petals to make this.

[688] 2 ,000 petals.

[689] 2 ,000 pounds of petals.

[690] Yes.

[691] To make that little vial between your hands.

[692] To make a little vat.

[693] That's incredible.

[694] Like a little vat.

[695] So then they make this vial.

[696] How large is 2...

[697] Oh, he dropped it.

[698] Yeah.

[699] How large is 2 ,000...

[700] Look at this, folks.

[701] How large is 2 ,000 petals?

[702] It must be immense.

[703] Well, 2 ,000 pounds, yeah.

[704] I mean, 2 ,000 pounds of petals.

[705] Unbelievable.

[706] So it makes like an ounce of the oil.

[707] What does it look like in a room?

[708] They're so light.

[709] 2 ,000 petals.

[710] This takes a fucking ton.

[711] So it's very prized.

[712] So I took that.

[713] I actually review it on my blog, warriorpoet .us, and you can come check it out.

[714] So you took this?

[715] And I took it, yeah.

[716] How do you know how much to take?

[717] You had a third of a bottle.

[718] I had about a half of a bottle.

[719] It kind of comes out tough, so I give it a stiff shake.

[720] Is that what you – this was full and then you – No, no, this is brand new.

[721] This is brand new?

[722] This is brand new.

[723] So this is how it comes.

[724] It comes out full?

[725] I took maybe about half of that.

[726] I maybe took about half of that.

[727] And what does it do for you?

[728] It was pretty rad.

[729] You feel very euphoric and everything, all your sensations feel good.

[730] And it's not overpowering.

[731] It's not something that takes you and hits you with a hammer.

[732] But when you say I love you to your girlfriend, you really mean it.

[733] Listen, I – I really mean it all the time, dude.

[734] I'm not like you.

[735] You really mean it, but it's like you really feel it.

[736] You know what I'm saying?

[737] You feel the emotion.

[738] I really feel it all the time, dude.

[739] But it's rad.

[740] I'm not like you, man. I don't have problems with women.

[741] I had some crazy dreams.

[742] I dreamed I was like a...

[743] Never dreamed this before.

[744] I dreamed I was a vampire playing basketball, just throwing shots back.

[745] Like I'd steam out from underneath the basket and just reject some dude and Shaq dunk on him.

[746] You thought you were a vampire playing basketball.

[747] So it's just like super relaxed.

[748] Very relaxing, euphoric, like very kind of cathartic.

[749] Did you feel like you could still function?

[750] Oh, totally.

[751] Totally.

[752] It was very lucid and stuff.

[753] Do you feel intoxicated at all?

[754] Not really.

[755] You just feel like in a badass mood.

[756] And it's almost like the stuff that troubles you, they go away.

[757] What about your...

[758] Are you comfortable that your reaction time would be the same?

[759] I am, yeah.

[760] So you'd be able to drive and everything?

[761] Yeah, it doesn't have that kind of artificial feeling that some of the other opiates and sedatives and stuff kind of do.

[762] What if you were allergic to Lotus, though?

[763] And you're like, oh, shit, I just took the most Lotus ever.

[764] Yeah, no shit.

[765] How do you even find out if you're allergic to Lotus?

[766] Right, that gay test.

[767] Do you like Kenny G?

[768] Yeah, you can't take this shit.

[769] And on that note, that's a perfect way to end this.

[770] Thank you very much, Chris.

[771] That was a lot of fun, dude.

[772] Thanks for coming out.

[773] Thanks for...

[774] sponsoring the podcast with the Fleshlight.

[775] Go to Fleshlight .com and pick one up.

[776] And like we said, Brian and I have both fucked them and we give them two thumbs up.

[777] It is way better than just jerking off.

[778] I have a new segment to that bit.

[779] My bit on the Fleshlight is growing very strong.

[780] Anyway, thank you everybody for tuning in.

[781] I will be at...

[782] What'd you do?

[783] You killed it.

[784] I will be...

[785] There we go.

[786] I'm at the...

[787] Where is it?

[788] The Galaxy Theater in Santa Ana.

[789] That's my next gig.

[790] Oh, actually, no, I'm in London, but Brian doesn't have this up on the...

[791] The Ustream page.

[792] Oh.

[793] The Ustream page.

[794] Change that shit so it says it.

[795] I'm in London at the Leicester Square Theater, but there's two shows Thursday and Friday of next week, but they're sold out already.

[796] Sorry, bitches.

[797] You snooze, you lose.

[798] And then the Galaxy Theater in Santa Ana, October 22nd.

[799] What are you playing?

[800] Are you going to play Def Antwoord or Die Antwoord?

[801] That's my new favorite, man. Is this Die Antwoord?

[802] Die Antwoord.

[803] It's a South African band.

[804] And it means The Answer.

[805] It's a dope band.

[806] You ever heard these guys?

[807] Do you know them?

[808] No. I like it.

[809] They're dirty.

[810] They got a bunch of good shit.

[811] They got a bunch of good shit.

[812] And they got stupid tattoos and they're ugly as fuck.

[813] I love them.

[814] It's beautiful.

[815] I love it.

[816] Tomorrow, we'll have another podcast tomorrow, probably 2 to 3 p .m. Pacific with the lovely and talented Mr. Duncan Trussell, where we will discuss how the UFOs are coming and the government is preparing us.

[817] We've got some new, important information, ladies and gentlemen.

[818] See that big rubber alien pussy?

[819] That shit is real.

[820] And we're going to tell you everything tomorrow.

[821] Thank you, everybody, for tuning in to the podcast.

[822] As always, We appreciate it very much and we love you bitches.

[823] Thank you.