Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] Hey, moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic horse.
[4] hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[5] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[6] I feel like myself again.
[7] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[8] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[9] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order, at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.
[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, It starts with AG1.
[19] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[20] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[21] Check it out.
[22] So you have a child who lies to you or isn't fully honest about things or sometimes kind of hides things, obfuscates a little bit.
[23] and so you never really know what's going on, and that's disconcerting to you.
[24] And so I get emails, they'll be like, oh, my son is dishonest.
[25] And sometimes what we really find out, it's not really dishonesty, it's distrust.
[26] And that's what I'm going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.
[27] This is a short one, quick one.
[28] I want to hit it hard.
[29] Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.
[30] You can find us to Celebrate Calm .com.
[31] Thank you for listening to the podcast.
[32] Please share this with others.
[33] If you need help, reach out to our son.
[34] His name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateColma .com.
[35] Let's know about your family.
[36] What are you struggling with?
[37] We get together as a family.
[38] We discuss it.
[39] We reply back to you pretty quickly.
[40] With detail, strategies, some ideas for you because that's our family mission.
[41] If you need help with anything else, just contact Casey.
[42] We have in this episode, I think I'm going to focus a lot on the no BS program.
[43] And I would just say this.
[44] If you have a middle school or high school child, you should have this.
[45] It is the instruction manual that you didn't.
[46] get when you came home from the hospital with a strong will child or if you adopted that child is 25 specific action steps that will rebuild your relationship so here's the deal with this situation i was talking to a family phone consultation and um they're like you know i've got this son and he's really interested in history and you know we were at this special school dinner and he got up there and he was supposed to state what his major was going to be in college but he didn't want to say he was going to be a history major and so they were really concerned because he kind of lied and if you dig into it here's what you find he's got family all around him who's giving him a hard time because a history major isn't going to make enough money and that's not like a hard scientist he's not going to be like an engineer or a physicist or something else right and so he's hearing all of that and so he changes his story because he doesn't want to put up with all of the judgment that's coming and he doesn't feel accepted as he is.
[47] And I would say for many of your strong -will kids, from an early age, that's what it feels like.
[48] Nobody really understands me. Schools against me, teachers are against me. Everybody assumes the worst about my motives, that I do things for the wrong reason.
[49] And it feels like I'm swimming against the upstream, against society.
[50] And nobody really gets me because I'm just in trouble all the time.
[51] That's a horrible way to go through your childhood.
[52] And that will lead to a lot of negative things.
[53] So deep, deep acceptance of your child really, really important.
[54] By the way, let's please watch how we talk to kids about things.
[55] Who says you can't make a lot of money being a history major?
[56] If any of you are fans of Dan Carlin and hardcore history, he is one of the most passionate guys about history and he has built a really great organization and following doing that.
[57] So as long as you're passionate about something, you make a fine living and even a great living, and who cares if your child loves this and it's inside of him, you should want him to do it.
[58] So here's what I think is really going on.
[59] After I got done with this consultation, I kind of wrote this thing out, and I was like, is this dishonesty or distrust?
[60] Now, I get it.
[61] This kid is, he's a thoughtful, intuitive, deep thinking kid.
[62] He's a feeler.
[63] And you've got to watch.
[64] Watch your kids who are very sensitive.
[65] They're often very sensitive, even physically to things, but they're sensitive.
[66] And so that can cut both ways, right?
[67] Some of it is they assume that teachers don't like them.
[68] They feel things so deeply.
[69] It also means that they can also be very intuitive in feeling the pain of other people and they can have a big heart toward people who are struggling.
[70] And they're often chameleons, right?
[71] They kind of change their colors to fit in a little bit, which is honestly a fantastic skill to have.
[72] We just want them to be confident in how they do it, right?
[73] Part of it is they don't like being watched or pressured.
[74] Please know that about your strong will kids.
[75] If you are standing over them, watching them, pressuring them, and not giving them space to touch the hot stove themselves to figure things out, here's what they're going to say.
[76] I'm out.
[77] I'm out.
[78] I'm not going to do things with you metaphorically or physically watching over me. I want to figure some things out on my own.
[79] I want to know that it's okay to try some things in a different way and not be judged for it and not be disappoint everybody that is hugely important so here's a key point consider this with your child maybe every time your child has spoken up told the truth told you something that he registers the disappointment on your face and he's simply tired of it he simply doesn't want to have to deal with it anymore Because some of you, like me, are type A people.
[80] And you've got a plan.
[81] You went through life a certain way.
[82] And your child doesn't go through life that same way.
[83] And you're nervous.
[84] You're anxious about his future.
[85] And you want him or her to do it a certain way.
[86] And so when your child did open up and did tell you the truth in the past, did you register disappointment?
[87] Did you say, you know, that's good?
[88] But did you really accept that?
[89] Were you curious and say, hey, that's a good.
[90] an interesting take.
[91] That's an interesting path.
[92] I wouldn't have thought of it.
[93] I'm curious.
[94] Why does that appeal to you?
[95] Because I'd really like to learn.
[96] Were you curious?
[97] Or do your kids register the disappointment and what they say over time is?
[98] It's just not worth it.
[99] Why?
[100] You tell me to open up and tell you the truth.
[101] But then when I do, your reaction to it is usually try to convince me otherwise talk me out of it.
[102] And I'm just tired of it.
[103] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface, and it's the same with acne.
[104] Phyla isn't just about fixing acne you can see, it's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[105] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[106] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, phila is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[107] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene, it's safe for kids of all ages and dermatologist approved.
[108] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[109] Tackle acne's root causes.
[110] Get 25 % off your first order of phila with the code calm.
[111] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[112] That's p -h -y -l -a -com and use code calm.
[113] And so this kid, my assumption was he's just tired of it.
[114] And so he doesn't want to have to deal with it.
[115] So he just tells people what they want to hear so that he can go and do his own thing.
[116] Right.
[117] And here's a common thing.
[118] This isn't always true.
[119] But for dads, a lot of what motivates us and helps us and hurts us as dads is we want our kids to be successful.
[120] Here's what mainly drove me. and drives me as a dad.
[121] I want my son to be successful.
[122] And what I see is he's missing on opportunities to do certain things because some of your kids are anxious and they won't go for it.
[123] They won't jump into things.
[124] And this one dad I was talking to is like, yeah, I always regretted that I didn't do ROTC.
[125] I should have done that.
[126] And so watch what happens as the dad.
[127] I'm now dealing with the regrets that I had when I was younger that led me to not be as successful as I should have and I love my son and I don't want him to miss out on things like I did so now I'm going to make sure that I'm on him all the time right so when dad sees his son making the same mistakes a dad can often get angry about it and react I know that because with case and I we have the same triggers wait we're sometimes jerks at the same time so when he's impatient I look when Casey is impatient what happens is I recognize that same trait inside of me. So I snap at him because I don't want him to be like me in that way.
[128] And then it becomes this vicious cycle.
[129] So dad's moms watch out for that.
[130] Now moms, again, this is as a whole.
[131] Here's what a dad wants.
[132] I want my child to grow up and be successful.
[133] Mom's tend to want, well, I want my child to grow up and be happy.
[134] Right.
[135] So mom's thing is like, oh honey, you'd have so many friends and you'd have and you'd be so happy if you just did it that way.
[136] don't want you to do better.
[137] I want you to be happy in life.
[138] And so when your son or your daughter doesn't make those decisions, you begin to lecture and get on him.
[139] Right.
[140] And you say things of like, oh, honey, you don't know what you're missing.
[141] I hate that phrase.
[142] Is there anything worse?
[143] Oh, you don't know what you're missing.
[144] Truth is, yeah, you know what?
[145] I do know what I'm missing.
[146] Okay?
[147] And I'm okay.
[148] Or I don't know what I'm missing and I'm okay with that.
[149] But don't impose what is meaningful to you on me. Don't assume that your child cares about the same things that you care about.
[150] Now, when it comes to anxiety, I don't have a problem and I encourage you to give your child tools so that, one, we're going to normalize anxiety.
[151] Of course, of course you don't want to go do new things.
[152] It's scary.
[153] It's normal.
[154] Nothing wrong with you.
[155] And then I give tools like having someone at the place where they're going to go, give my child a job to do, so it makes it a little bit easier for him to participate.
[156] It brings down the barriers.
[157] So I don't give up on it.
[158] I'm just saying don't impose your stuff on your child, right?
[159] So with dad's like, well, I want to be successful and I missed out on things when I was a kid, so I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen.
[160] And mom's like, I just want to be happy.
[161] So we have to begin with a deep, deep acceptance of who your child is, right?
[162] We have to show that we understand him, because that also helps him understand himself.
[163] That is huge so he doesn't feel like there's something wrong with him.
[164] Much of the time in the No BS program, what we're going through is this process of releasing your child from your expectations, releasing them from being just like you so you can accept them and they feel confident.
[165] Nobody's going to feel confident if I always feel like people are disappointed in me. So here's a good thing that you could do.
[166] Apologize, right?
[167] I did this with Casey all the time.
[168] Hey, Case, listen, I need to apologize.
[169] The reason I just snapped at you is because that's something I've struggled with, and I shouldn't be taking that out on you.
[170] I'm projecting what I'm angry at myself about and putting that on you, and that's not fair.
[171] And, Bob, maybe you explain you, say, honey, I love you so much.
[172] I love you so much, and I just want the best for you.
[173] But it's my issue.
[174] It's my issue because I'm trying too hard sometimes, and I haven't accepted you as you are.
[175] Can you imagine what it would feel like for parents of a teenager or a middle schooler or even a third grader to come along and say, I need to apologize because I haven't always accepted you as you are.
[176] It probably does it feel like I'm always pressuring you to be someone else or to be just like me?
[177] How awesome a question would that be to do that?
[178] So you're going to now teach your child a new skill, how to speak up and say things that didn't that disappoint you, right, to have him actually practice and say, Mom, Dad, I didn't do my assignment.
[179] See, he usually can't do that, not because he's dishonest, but it's because Dad gets angry and Mom lectures and makes them feel like a failure.
[180] True?
[181] Now, it could be that mom gets, right, it doesn't matter, which one?
[182] The parents get angry, then you lecture, and you make him feel like a failure.
[183] So guess what your child learns?
[184] well I can't tell them the truth it's not worth it because now I'm just going to get hammered for that right and so that's a new skill for him you could even give your child a script to use even a code word hey football that means dad I want to go outside and play catch and I need to tell you something that you may be not like but I'm giving you a heads up because I use that code word we're going to go toss the ball around and I want you to know please don't react and make me feel like I'm this tall because I'm it takes some courage to tell you the truth.
[185] And I'm doing that.
[186] So that code word thing, awesome.
[187] It's also a new skill for you.
[188] How to not react to your child and show that disappointment and anger.
[189] How to accept your child as he or she is and normalize things and actually problem solve instead of shaming them, right?
[190] Another great question to ask your child.
[191] Does it ever feel like we've misunderstood your motives?
[192] Does it ever feel like nothing you can do will please us.
[193] If so, then I apologize.
[194] See, what we entered this conversation with was, well, we have a dishonesty issue.
[195] When in reality, it's a distrust issue.
[196] They don't trust us enough sometimes to tell us the truth because of how we react.
[197] And it's also a skills issue.
[198] Child needs to learn how to speak up and tell the truth and be assertive about what his or her needs.
[199] And we need a skill of learning to not react so that they do own up.
[200] So we own, each person owns his or her part in this, and that's an awesome thing, right?
[201] And something you can tell your child sometime is, we haven't made it easy for you to be honest because we've been waiting with the wagging finger.
[202] We've been, we've been lecturing you and moralizing to you about integrity issues when it wasn't an integrity issue at all.
[203] It was an issue that you just couldn't trust us.
[204] and so we apologize for that right now that that will change behavior in the home that will change relationships and remember it is relationships that change behavior consequences don't change behavior relationships do giving people new skills do so I'm going to encourage you very bluntly if you do not have it yet go to the website celebrate calm .com forward slash no BS get that program it's It's 25 specific action steps, short and sweet.
[205] I made it so guys could do it and would do it because men won't go through like 30 hours of stuff, but they'll go through something that's very specific.
[206] And you go through these action steps one by one.
[207] You will rebuild that relationship with your child and you will learn new skills.
[208] It is an awesome thing.
[209] If you need to help, reach out to Casey.
[210] Thank you all for listening.
[211] Thank you for letting me be tough on you.
[212] It's because I want the relationships to change and I know we're capable of so much more.
[213] So thank you.
[214] Love you all.
[215] Bye -bye.