Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hey.
[5] Hi, Linnea.
[6] How are you?
[7] Good.
[8] It's so nice to meet you guys.
[9] Thanks for spending time with me today.
[10] Well, you know, why don't you wait until you see how this goes?
[11] Yeah, okay, fair.
[12] That would be my advice to you is when we're done, you might feel differently about this experience and wish that we hadn't spared time for you.
[13] Okay, that's fair.
[14] That's fair.
[15] Sona, would you maybe...
[16] Well, I take it back.
[17] Sona could tell you that she has her own regrets about meeting me 11 years ago.
[18] Yeah, so much wasted time.
[19] And that might be, when you're done, you'll be like, that was a huge waste time.
[20] Well, let's find out how busy Linnea is and what her life's all about, and that's how we'll know whether this was good use for her time.
[21] Where are you coming to us from, Linnea?
[22] Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
[23] Oh, I love Milwaukee.
[24] That's a lovely place.
[25] Yeah.
[26] And that's a fun town.
[27] Tell us a little bit about yourself, Linnea.
[28] Well, I'm a, I'm an art director here.
[29] I have two very large cats.
[30] We have a robot lawnmower named Becca.
[31] Okay.
[32] Well, hold on just a second.
[33] There's a lot.
[34] There's a lot I have to ask here.
[35] First of all, art director very quickly.
[36] What are we talking like at an advertising firm, art director for?
[37] Yeah.
[38] Yeah.
[39] So we're, I'm at a branding firm.
[40] We brand for hotels mostly.
[41] Oh, okay.
[42] Yeah.
[43] And a lot of our clients have haunted hotels.
[44] What?
[45] And it, yeah, in our offices.
[46] Do you specialize?
[47] It's your company specialize in, we'll, you know, if you've got a haunted hotel, we'll help you brand.
[48] Is that what you guys do?
[49] Yeah.
[50] I'd like to think so.
[51] Yeah.
[52] I'd like to think that we like help people with their haunted hotels because what do you do?
[53] What do you do?
[54] Are we talking shrieking headless woman running down the hallways at night?
[55] Keep waking everybody up.
[56] That kind of goes.
[57] I mean, I think all sorts.
[58] I think, I mean, we have a hotel down in New Orleans and someone, like, died getting hit by a horse and buggy and, like, went back up to her room and died.
[59] And now she, like, haunts the hallways and people, like, see her around.
[60] You know, that just seems like, I'm sorry, that seems like a dick move.
[61] She knew she was badly injured and she made her way back to the hotel and then dies there.
[62] And so it's like, screw the hotel for the rest of time.
[63] You know what I mean?
[64] She should have died on this.
[65] street and then just haunted that corner of the street.
[66] And who cares?
[67] You're just driving by and for a second you hear, uh, but then you're, you're quickly past that spot.
[68] But to, yeah, I would want to, I would want to be a ghost for a whole hotel.
[69] I get it.
[70] I feel like you would too, Conan.
[71] Like, if you were like, how many people can I terrorize in the afterlife, you would maximize your options?
[72] You know what I would do?
[73] If I was a ghost in a hotel, I just keep giving it a mediocre or Yelp review.
[74] I'd be a ghost that was like, I'd be an online ghost that was just saying kind of passive, aggressive, if you like slow service, this is a good hotel, like nothing that bad and constantly dragging down the hotels star rating just a little bit.
[75] But there'd be no running around, you know, shrieking or, do you know what I mean?
[76] I mean, none of that.
[77] I think most ghosts are going to go online in the next, I think in the next 15 years you're going to see most ghosting, you know, going online.
[78] That's what's going to happen.
[79] And people are going to be terrorizing people there because it's just, it's more efficient.
[80] You just, yeah, you just get like a ghost on your screen.
[81] You're like, oh, no. Well, for a second.
[82] But I'll see, it's not even that bad.
[83] It's just a ghost is just there being kind of snarky.
[84] And then if you say that you, if you liked the new top gun, it's like, really, you liked that?
[85] You know, and then, whoa, loser much.
[86] And so it's just that kind of attitude from ghosts.
[87] I think that...
[88] They're cyber bullies, but they're ghosts?
[89] They're sort of trolls.
[90] They're just trolls, but it's all passive aggression.
[91] Those are the kind of ghosts that I would favor.
[92] Now, you mentioned large cats.
[93] Let me be indelicate.
[94] How large are we talking?
[95] I mean, they're like 20 pounds.
[96] Jesus, Christ.
[97] Wait, 20 pounds, like if they're wearing Flemish armor, or 20 pounds soaking wet?
[98] Uh, both?
[99] I don't know.
[100] Soaking wet, I guess.
[101] I mean, you're saying just 20 pounds each?
[102] Yeah, yeah.
[103] Are we all right?
[104] Are we allowed to fat shame a cat?
[105] Yes, I think so.
[106] I think so too.
[107] Thank you.
[108] I would never.
[109] Someone doesn't sound very into it.
[110] Well, Sona.
[111] I just don't know how you're going to do it.
[112] Oh.
[113] What do you do?
[114] I mean, I can go get him.
[115] I'll hold him up.
[116] We can fat.
[117] I want to see this cat.
[118] Yeah, at some point.
[119] But I don't want you to put your, pull your back out, lifting.
[120] this, you know, probably not too hard to catch.
[121] Just put some roast beef on a string.
[122] Oh, my God.
[123] Jesus.
[124] Look at that.
[125] Oh, my God.
[126] That's Odin?
[127] What do you've, this Odin.
[128] Does he have, how many, how many hams a day does he eat?
[129] I'm sure more than he, than I give him.
[130] Are they finicky eaters?
[131] What a massive cat.
[132] No, no, they love, they love treats.
[133] I give them, they love string cheese, actually.
[134] Right.
[135] But these cats look like they eat large sandwiches.
[136] You know what I mean?
[137] Like they're not, they're not nibbling.
[138] Yeah, they're not nibbling on kibble there.
[139] They look up at you.
[140] If you put a little fish in their bowl, they're like, and then you go, oh, sorry.
[141] And then they put a giant fucking BLT in their bowl.
[142] And they're like, rah, rah, and then they eat it.
[143] That's the thing.
[144] They're just constantly hungry.
[145] We're just constantly feeding them treats.
[146] and things that we're eating ice cream.
[147] They love ice cream and tuna.
[148] Well, who doesn't love ice cream?
[149] Okay, so these cats, did you know they were going to be heavy cats when you got them as kittens?
[150] Yeah, yeah.
[151] Yeah, we knew that we were getting a large breed.
[152] So they're Siberians.
[153] And we actually got them because my husband is hyper or is allergic to cats.
[154] And these are, they have less allergens in their fur.
[155] So we had to go and do the whole like allergy test at the breeder's house.
[156] house.
[157] Linnea.
[158] Before we got them.
[159] Lenia.
[160] Your husband, your life partner.
[161] Let's give him a name.
[162] Let's give him a name.
[163] Brian, Brian.
[164] Brian, you stood up and promised to love and cherish him for all time.
[165] He has one weakness, which is he's allergic to cats.
[166] Yes.
[167] You went out and bought two 20 -pound cats.
[168] Sure did.
[169] We just like went all in.
[170] I know.
[171] It's a huge cat or nothing.
[172] Right.
[173] And guess what's the right choice between those two?
[174] Nothing.
[175] Huge.
[176] I mean, when you held up that cat, Odin, he looked ashamed.
[177] He knows.
[178] Oh, he did.
[179] Conan.
[180] You don't think he goes online and looks at svelt cats online and has image, you know, sort of, I mean, we all do things like that, you know?
[181] You look at spelt cats online?
[182] No. I go on, I go online and I look at like really thin comedians.
[183] And I'm like, oh, look, you're so thin.
[184] you know, not like old chunky here.
[185] And I get way in my head about it.
[186] And I'm sure your cats are doing that too.
[187] I, oh, man. It's a big cat.
[188] You feel sorry for them, but then you asked if you could fat shame them.
[189] So I don't know what side you're on right now.
[190] I was faking, feeling sorry for them.
[191] That's what I thought.
[192] Okay, that makes, that's on brand for you.
[193] Yeah, it felt like I should just sort of throw that out there.
[194] Like, oh, you know, that must be tough for them.
[195] But really, those are just massive, massive, massive.
[196] massive cats, and that's unbelievable.
[197] But, you know, it makes sense, I guess, as Siberian, you think about it, and I like to think about things.
[198] It's Siberia.
[199] It's very cold.
[200] One of the coldest habitats on Earth.
[201] It's cheap.
[202] Very cold.
[203] And so these cats have to be covered in fat in order to survive.
[204] And so you live in Wisconsin, so, you know, they got to do what they got to do.
[205] During the summer, do you ever shave them just down to the skin and let them sit in chairs near the pool?
[206] You know, we haven't, but that's a great idea.
[207] I do have to brush them a lot, though, because they get, there's a lot of fur on them.
[208] Yeah.
[209] Well, you could probably, you know, sell that on Etsy.
[210] Should just, like, give him a drink, put him in a chair.
[211] Yeah, they would chill.
[212] Give them a bowl of ice cream, you know.
[213] I would think so.
[214] Yeah.
[215] Well, I think, man, the cats are a, I'm sorry, the cats are, they're bloated, but I wish them the best.
[216] I think it's fascinating that you are doing branding for hotels sounds almost exclusively that are haunted.
[217] And I don't know why so many hotels are haunted, but I think we should do like a public service announcement.
[218] that if you think you're on death's door, try to move into a large open field because then you'll haunt a space that no one's occupying.
[219] But to, I think, again, this victim you described who was hit by a horse and buggy who said, I've got about eight seconds left on Earth, I'm going to hot put it back to that nice hotel.
[220] She had to go back to the hotel so she could haunt it.
[221] Maybe it was a plan.
[222] Who knows?
[223] I'm always interested in this whole thing about ghosts.
[224] You know, sometimes you find out, okay, they died here in this space, so that's why they're hunting this space.
[225] But other times you find out they're hunting a space and you find out later on, so they were shot here in this castle or beheaded in this castle?
[226] Oh, no, they died 600 miles away.
[227] And then I think, you asshole, what are you doing here in this castle?
[228] That's a common problem.
[229] I think ghosts should haunt, inhabit, and terrorize the space where they died.
[230] That feels like it's fixed.
[231] But this business of getting to pick and choose in the afterlife where you're going to hunt?
[232] This is bullshit.
[233] It's really selfish.
[234] And also, I know there's a lot going on in the world right now.
[235] I'm not in some bubble.
[236] I know that there's a lot of economic turmoil and there's a lot of turmoil around the world.
[237] There's, you know, Europe is threatened with a war.
[238] I mean, armies are on the march.
[239] There's this terrible virus.
[240] But I'm going to put this at the top of the list of problems right now.
[241] And I think I'm justified doing it, saying, yeah, ghosts haunting places where they didn't die as bullshit.
[242] It's tough on business in an already bad economy and should be restricted, completely restricted.
[243] Yeah, you tell them, come, you tell those ghosts.
[244] Let's take on the ghost lobby.
[245] Yeah, ghosts.
[246] I don't know why I'm going to do kind of like a Fargo accent.
[247] Yeah, you ghosts.
[248] Is that convincing?
[249] You're probably familiar, Linnea, with that kind of accent from like the movie Fargo.
[250] I think that sounds great.
[251] Wouldn't they say, hey, ghost?
[252] They'd say that, right?
[253] Hey, you ghost?
[254] Isn't that sort of like getting up north?
[255] They wouldn't say ghost.
[256] They wouldn't say ghost.
[257] Yeah, that's more like Fargo.
[258] Oh, easy there.
[259] Easy there, ghost.
[260] Yeah, ghost, did you die here?
[261] Ghost?
[262] Yeah.
[263] You didn't die here, ghost?
[264] That's more Wisconsin.
[265] Wait, you, you, that's like the Adair accent.
[266] Wait, you died in Florida, ghost?
[267] And then you, you took a, you took a, you took a, you took a, you a Delta flight and now you're haunting this place?
[268] That's not right, ghost.
[269] Yeah.
[270] I'm going to tell that to the ghost in our office because they, the ghost that's haunting our office has traveled now.
[271] This is our third office and it just keeps following us.
[272] I know why.
[273] Listen, you need to go back to where you passed away because.
[274] Yeah.
[275] Well, that ghost is just embezzling.
[276] I hate to tell you.
[277] And probably if you see missing office supplies, that's just, man, you've moved three times and the ghost comes with you.
[278] Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
[279] And then puts in for overtime because the ghosts there all night.
[280] You know, I'm just going to say.
[281] It just loves working.
[282] Very quickly.
[283] And Linnea, this is by way of apology, that whole sort of Fargo accent ghost thing I did, I think that's one of the worst things I've ever done.
[284] I was going to, I was going to say something, but you kept going with it.
[285] Ghost, I mean.
[286] It made no sense.
[287] I felt like you were making fun in my accent.
[288] No, no. I don't.
[289] Oh.
[290] I'm just, I'm just realized.
[291] now that, you know, that was a bad direction.
[292] Oh, my God, and please.
[293] A bad way to go.
[294] Everyone listening, ladies and gentlemen, that riff that I went on about a Milwaukee ghost and I apologize.
[295] I can't think, and guess what?
[296] This gets us back to our first point, Linnea.
[297] What a waste of your time.
[298] So much.
[299] No. Oh, no. I feel terrible.
[300] I'd feel worse if you had more lean cats.
[301] Yeah.
[302] Linnea, how can I help you?
[303] How can, is there a question I can answer for you?
[304] Is there something I can do for you?
[305] Yeah.
[306] I want to make your life a little better.
[307] I like you.
[308] Well, oh, thanks.
[309] I like you too, Conan.
[310] Thank you.
[311] Matt's not here.
[312] Just Conan's fine.
[313] Me too.
[314] That's all right.
[315] Yeah.
[316] I mean, we deal with a lot of ghosts at our agency and different types of ghosts.
[317] So I just wanted to know what kind of ghosts you would be if you were a ghost.
[318] Oh, damn.
[319] What?
[320] Sorry, that was instinctual the way I answered that.
[321] Oh, my God.
[322] Well, to be fair, to be fair to Sona, I would be one of those mischievous ghosts.
[323] Do you know what I mean?
[324] Yeah.
[325] My thing would not be horror.
[326] Like a prankster ghost?
[327] Oh, no. I'm, I know.
[328] No. Pranks take imagination and work and wait.
[329] And then you have to wait.
[330] Like, hold on, hold on.
[331] She's going to the refrigerator.
[332] Wait until she sees that I poured out half the milk.
[333] You know, I don't know, I don't think so.
[334] I think I'd be a ghost that just sort of hung around and was kind of a nuisance and people couldn't decide if they felt sorry for me or if they just didn't like me. You know what I mean?
[335] But I think it would be that level of ghost.
[336] Yeah.
[337] It would not be, you know, it would not be a running down the hallway slashing ghost.
[338] It would not be a ghost who's moved.
[339] That business of where ghosts...
[340] So no, no, no one would be scared of you.
[341] They would just...
[342] Oh, God, no. They would just be sad.
[343] The other thing is...
[344] You just bring the mood down in the room.
[345] Yeah.
[346] People would say, that's so weird.
[347] I went on, you know, Prozac three years ago, and I've really been feeling much better, but lately I'm just kind of anxious, and I just feel a lot of pity and ennui.
[348] And that would be, oh, you know, did Conan die in your house?
[349] And they'd be like, no, that's just...
[350] did.
[351] Conan died 15 miles from here, but then took an Uber over here and just decided to haunt my house.
[352] And doesn't even really do much of anything except, you know, moves the yogurt around that I put the Post -it -on that said, this is my yogurt, that kind of stuff.
[353] But I have a beef with ghosts that rearrange furniture because I think they're sort of trying to pretend that it's spooky, but really, they're just obsessive -compulsive.
[354] Oh, really?
[355] There is a ghost in that same hotel in New Orleans, and he is a prankster ghost and moves people's shoes around, apparently, like in the room, just like...
[356] If that's how you're spending your afterlife, what kind of life did you really even have?
[357] You know what I mean?
[358] That's the way to look at it.
[359] I know, yeah.
[360] We only get one afterlife.
[361] Use it wisely, you know?
[362] You're just moving shoes around.
[363] You know what I mean?
[364] Maybe he wants people to be lost in their room and never leave it.
[365] So he has to move the shoes around so they can't leave.
[366] Yeah.
[367] Just like traps in there.
[368] We're also talking about an eternity.
[369] Like I think after a while you start off with a lot of like, oh, I'm going to make a difference in the ghost world.
[370] And then after a while you're like, I'm just going to move these shoes.
[371] You just got tired.
[372] You're like, this is where I'm at now.
[373] Ghosts are no different from us.
[374] Their goals get smaller and smaller over time, you know?
[375] Right.
[376] Oh, interesting, yeah.
[377] Ghosts are, and I can relate to that.
[378] You start out thinking I'm going to conquer the world.
[379] And then like all of us later on, you're like, maybe I'll just move some shoes.
[380] Yeah.
[381] You're just going to move some shoes around.
[382] I think that's plenty.
[383] I'd be a ghost that didn't haunt at night.
[384] I'd be sleeping.
[385] I'd be a very well -rested ghost.
[386] My haunting would happen around...
[387] You'd hunt during the day.
[388] I would haunt four to five.
[389] One hour a day?
[390] Yeah, that's it.
[391] And then I'd be getting a lot of sleep.
[392] And I'd be watching whatever streaming service they have.
[393] And that's what I'd do.
[394] You caught up on your shows, you know.
[395] Yeah.
[396] Well, Linnea...
[397] Why not?
[398] Yeah, I want you to be honest with this, Linnea, because our time here has come to an end.
[399] And you started out thanking us preemptively for sparing our time for you.
[400] Do you feel like you really prevented us from doing anything valuable?
[401] Do you think that our time with you, what?
[402] Do you feel like...
[403] Do we owe you an apology?
[404] No, my gosh.
[405] No, never.
[406] Never, never.
[407] All right.
[408] No. Linnea.
[409] I very much enjoyed this.
[410] Thank you so much.
[411] I very much enjoyed talking to you.
[412] I'm going to say one thing about your cats, low carbs.
[413] Yeah, oh, well, I don't know.
[414] They're going to wake me up at night.
[415] It's not going to go well.
[416] I bet you would.
[417] And they don't just, when they wake you up, they kick the door down, don't they?
[418] They do, yeah.
[419] It comes off.
[420] They come and stop around.
[421] It's like an ATF raid.
[422] Just do you feel like?
[423] They come in with horns, all the squeaky toys they can find.
[424] Oh, God.
[425] All right.
[426] It's not a joke.
[427] You're living in hell.
[428] Linnea, thank you so much.
[429] It was really nice talking to you.
[430] You seemed like a lovely person.
[431] And try out my Milwaukee guy talking about ghosts, riff on other people.
[432] See how it goes over, okay?
[433] Yeah, I'll go out right now and just yell.
[434] You go, it's ghost, it's ghost.
[435] I'm telling you, it's going to kill.
[436] It's going to kill.
[437] It's going to destroy.
[438] Thank you, Linnea.
[439] Destroy.
[440] Thank you.
[441] It's going to kill.
[442] People love it.
[443] Terrible.
[444] Quiet.
[445] Last word.
[446] I got last word.
[447] Bye.
[448] Nope.
[449] Bye, Linnea.
[450] It's awful.
[451] It's awful.
[452] Sorry.
[453] It's bad.
[454] It's bad.
[455] Ghosts.
[456] Ghost.
[457] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[458] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley.
[459] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[460] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[461] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[462] Supervising producer Aaron Blaired.
[463] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Bechton.
[464] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[465] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher.