The Worst Cow Thief

[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

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[3] Okay, let's get started.

[4] Hey, Benji, meet Conan and Sona.

[5] Whoa, hey, hey guys.

[6] Hey, Matt Sona, Conan.

[7] Conan had come last.

[8] I'm just trying to, you know, get this.

[9] A minute.

[10] Benji, I barely know you, and I already, you have terribly dishonored me. I'm very...

[11] I was giving you the honor, credit, you know, like the big building up to.

[12] Yeah.

[13] No, I could tell I was, you almost forgot to even mention me, Benji.

[14] It's really, really good to see you.

[15] It's really good to see you.

[16] Where are you coming from, Benji?

[17] I'm coming from Kampala, Uganda.

[18] So all the way over East Africa, excited to see you guys, Matt Sona.

[19] Congratulations and the twins.

[20] That's quite something.

[21] Oh, thank you so much.

[22] And Matt and the baby, I love you.

[23] Well, Matt just had one.

[24] so boring, but yeah, Sona really - He didn't even deliver it.

[25] Yeah, he was in the next room.

[26] He was in the next room, building a ship in a bottle.

[27] Benji, this is really exciting to encounter someone from Uganda.

[28] That's really cool.

[29] I've been to, we shot an episode of a show in Ghana, which is on West Coast.

[30] So I've never been to the East Coast.

[31] I'd love to go there someday.

[32] I can't believe you're, you know who we are and you're in Uganda, that's so cool.

[33] You're bigger than you think.

[34] You really should come this side.

[35] You really should come this side.

[36] It's fun.

[37] It's fun.

[38] I love the Ghana part as well, what you did.

[39] That was really fun.

[40] Sam Richardson was just flowing with everything.

[41] Oh, he's so good.

[42] He came with me. He's such a funny improviser.

[43] And of course, he's from Ghana.

[44] So he was my ambassador.

[45] and tour guide through that episode, which was fantastic.

[46] But you could do that for me in Uganda, you know.

[47] I would love to.

[48] Tell me a little bit about your life.

[49] What do you do?

[50] What's your life like?

[51] What's happening with you right now, Benji?

[52] So I am a cloud consultant.

[53] I did do cloud architecture work.

[54] That's really designing how things look in the cloud.

[55] Now I'm working on cloud finance management.

[56] So it's fun.

[57] I really love what I do.

[58] I work in Kampala, work from home, product of the whole COVID thing.

[59] And I work with a team in Geneva and Valencia and Philippines and Panama.

[60] So I love this.

[61] I actually, it makes me, it does make me very optimistic about the future.

[62] I'm not even kidding about this.

[63] I'm sincere that people, some of the new work that people can do because of the internet and technology and so many people can.

[64] can work together intimately from different parts of the world.

[65] And I think, I don't know, that's very hopeful to me. I love that.

[66] Yeah, it makes you much, much more exposed.

[67] I mean, I'm really exposed to a lot of things that go on in the world.

[68] And I enjoy my workmates as well.

[69] There's different vibes that you get from everyone.

[70] And you get to understand, you know, how different cultures work, how different people want to work, different areas want to work.

[71] I'm learning every day.

[72] I'm honestly learning every day.

[73] But, you know, that's, so that's, that's the work side of it.

[74] On the home front, I'm married.

[75] How recently did you get married?

[76] You seem like a young person.

[77] How long ago did you get married?

[78] That was good.

[79] I seemed like a young person.

[80] I got married one year back.

[81] Oh, this is, hey, congratulations.

[82] That's new.

[83] Yeah, one year and two weeks now.

[84] Oh, yeah.

[85] What kind of wedding was it?

[86] You know, is it, was it religious?

[87] Was it an intense ceremony or was it pretty casual?

[88] So we have three phases to our weddings.

[89] I did have, there was this, it starts with the introduction.

[90] That is where I'm actually not allowed to speak during that.

[91] The introduction is our parents meeting the other parents.

[92] We have someone who comes into what we call, as I transliterated, it's the go -between.

[93] So he talks to both sides of the parents, introduces them, and then we discuss the bride price after that.

[94] So that's the first step.

[95] The bride price.

[96] Yes.

[97] Because you must, it's ceremonially purchased the bride.

[98] Is that right?

[99] Yes.

[100] And this is fascinating because Sona went through this as well.

[101] Yeah, I did.

[102] Sona had a traditional Armenian marriage and needed to be purchased the day of the wedding.

[103] And it's not serious.

[104] It's not real.

[105] She wasn't really purchased.

[106] No, I wasn't.

[107] Yeah, because, you know, who could meet that price?

[108] Oh, no. You tried to make that a compliment, I think, and then it didn't work.

[109] It wasn't good.

[110] I didn't even really try, to be honest with you.

[111] Oh, okay.

[112] Okay.

[113] But I remembered, yeah, so this is fascinating to me. It was necessary for you to purchase your wife.

[114] Is that right?

[115] Yes, it's, well, necessary.

[116] Necessary for them to accept me in the family.

[117] And I'd also like to know what Sona's bright price was.

[118] That was, that's something.

[119] It's embarrassing.

[120] I think it was like $40.

[121] Oh.

[122] She went.

[123] I think it was, yeah.

[124] She went real cheap.

[125] Sona went real cheap.

[126] I'll give you 50.

[127] sold i'll give you 4199 just have to beat that 40 wow i'm on sale it's prime day so um you're you're not allowed to say what the price was are you no i'm not i'm not allowed to say so usually our payment is in terms of cows because of the tribe that my wife comes from and uh so each cow goes at about maybe $600.

[128] So, yeah, it's a pretty tense discussion.

[129] You know, I'm seated there thinking this may not work out if they ask for too much.

[130] Well, usually it does.

[131] But, you know, I'm really tensed up.

[132] I remember that day after the negotiations, I slept for 12 hours straight.

[133] That's how bad it was.

[134] Yeah.

[135] Well, you know, the other thing, too, is if you get too reasonable a rate, your wife's going to be angry.

[136] You know, she's, you'll never hear the end of it.

[137] She'll be like, two cows, that's it?

[138] What do you, you know, Benji, come on.

[139] Really?

[140] That's all I'm worth to.

[141] All I am to you is two cows?

[142] Well, I think the problem is the men in that case because they're just like, you know, you're worth two cows.

[143] You're not even that, you know, worth that much.

[144] So I wouldn't worry about her side.

[145] I'd worry about the men more.

[146] Wow.

[147] Yeah.

[148] So, anyway, you can.

[149] can't tell us what the actual price was, but apparently it all worked out well.

[150] And the ceremony, does her family like you?

[151] Now that you're allowed to speak and they can really get to know you for you.

[152] Do they like you?

[153] Has it gone well?

[154] Yeah, they really like me. We go out sometimes.

[155] We have some fun and it's normal now.

[156] I mean, there were some tense situations, but everything's normal now.

[157] It's just, that's my family.

[158] So I have to say good things now.

[159] well you just blew it by saying i have to you just you better you better scare up another cow fast benj you are leaching you are draining goodwill at a rapid rate if ever you had hit the nearest cattle ranch grab a couple of at least a couple of double doubles yeah exactly yeah uh okay so you have you've been married now for a while, and everything seems to be going well in your life.

[160] I mean, I'm happy for you.

[161] Yeah, everything's going well.

[162] You know, I have to complete that story on the cows because it sounds like I just gave cows one way, but usually we have, so there are three wedding occasions.

[163] The second is the traditional wedding where the bride's father officially hands over the bride to my father.

[164] I don't get the bride.

[165] And during that...

[166] What?

[167] Yeah.

[168] She's given to your father?

[169] Yeah.

[170] He's the caretaker and then he hands her over to me. Oh.

[171] I see.

[172] I see.

[173] Yeah.

[174] Wow, this is...

[175] It's kind of sweet.

[176] This is sounding...

[177] That's sweet.

[178] It is.

[179] She's leaving her family and entering your family.

[180] I mean, there's a sweetness to that.

[181] Yeah.

[182] I don't know.

[183] At the time that happened, I had some tears coming down and I had to just suck them back up.

[184] So it was really lovely.

[185] And, of course, that happened during the COVID lockdown.

[186] So that was also another story.

[187] We were not allowed to drive or anything.

[188] So that was announced the night before the traditional wedding.

[189] No. Oh, no. Yeah.

[190] So we had organized everything, DECOR, and, you know, the guests are coming.

[191] And all of a sudden, the president gets on the TV.

[192] and it's like, you know, guys, no more travel, Delta variant was really getting at everyone.

[193] So, yeah, I woke up and I didn't know if I was going to have a wedding that day, till about midday.

[194] And then you figured it out.

[195] You improvised.

[196] We improvised.

[197] We managed to get there.

[198] Some of us walked to the venue and did everything from that side.

[199] And at the end of the wedding, the traditional wedding, we actually get those cows back.

[200] So in terms of gifts.

[201] Okay.

[202] All right.

[203] Can I just say, Benji, you seem obsessed with the cows.

[204] You know, let's focus on the fact that you, the love of your life, you know, one day the mother of your children, you union in the eyes of God.

[205] Let's stick with that.

[206] The cows.

[207] And stop talking about cows.

[208] I just have one more cow question.

[209] If you get your cows back, why are the negotiations so tense if you know they're coming back to you?

[210] Well, sometimes you don't know if they're coming back to you.

[211] Oh, yeah.

[212] You actually don't know, yeah.

[213] Because the cows have a say in it, and if they're happy where they are, trust me, I've read up a lot on this.

[214] Were the cows masked?

[215] Were they COVID -safe cows?

[216] Are they vaccinated?

[217] But it sounds like you all have a sense of humor about these old, I mean, you take it seriously, but you can also have a sense of humor about it, right?

[218] Yeah, I do.

[219] And I like that you said I'm upset.

[220] with the cows.

[221] That would be something that my father -in -law would be happy about because on their side, they really love their cows.

[222] They won't eat them as much and they treasure them.

[223] So for me to be obsessed, it's me being accepted into the family on that side.

[224] Like, yeah, you also love our cows so we can, maybe they'll give me some after this.

[225] Who knows?

[226] Yeah.

[227] Oh, yeah.

[228] Let's put in a pitch.

[229] Hey, if you're listening to in -laws, you know, throw a couple of heifers his way.

[230] Yeah.

[231] I mean, Benji seems like a good guy.

[232] I think he's three cows, I think.

[233] You should be, you should gift him.

[234] How many cows do they have your in -laws?

[235] I said, enough with the cows, and now you've got me, I'm just giving up.

[236] We're all about cows.

[237] I'm completely giving up.

[238] How many cows do your in -laws have?

[239] Well, I don't think I'm allowed to say that.

[240] Wait, because that's not part of the ceremony.

[241] I'm just talking about, in general, how many do you think they have?

[242] Oh, can I take a guess at a number and you nod your head if I'm right?

[243] Yeah.

[244] 300.

[245] I was supposed to nod my head.

[246] No. I'll say 60.

[247] Yeah, about that.

[248] Okay.

[249] Well, you know, now that everybody in Uganda is going to know how many his in -laws have, what if they go after their cows?

[250] Oh, please.

[251] I bet that's why Benji wanted to keep it a secret.

[252] There's going to be, I would steal cows.

[253] Yeah, but Sona, it's not a secret that they have 60 cows.

[254] Well, I think they're wearing sun.

[255] No, cows are, they're pretty hard to hide.

[256] You think they're wearing sunglasses and hats?

[257] People in that neighborhood know, oh, wow.

[258] Look, Benji's in -laws, they've got all those cows in that field.

[259] How many do you think there are?

[260] I'd say about 60.

[261] Well, let's get going, you know.

[262] Maybe it's not polite to say.

[263] Benji, tell us, why don't you mention how many cows?

[264] Is it like saying how much money someone has?

[265] Is it not polite?

[266] It feels that way.

[267] It's like, just saying, you know, these guys have this much.

[268] Yeah.

[269] Well, I'm also, I want to know how soon I, would steal a cow.

[270] Yeah, I do too.

[271] Is it hard?

[272] I don't know.

[273] I've never been around cows.

[274] I'm not a cow per, I don't, I'm guessing you got to bring a, the proper automobile.

[275] Would it be?

[276] Yeah, let me suggest the Prius.

[277] The Prius is a good cow stealing car.

[278] How about a Miata?

[279] And then you just tie it up on top of the, of the car.

[280] You just like a luggage.

[281] I don't know.

[282] No, you don't know.

[283] You know what?

[284] I take back my $50.

[285] bed.

[286] You got to bring the trailer and stuff it in there and then you're out.

[287] You're the worst, you're the worst cow thief I've ever talked to.

[288] You've talked to a lot of cow thieves too.

[289] I do in my day.

[290] Oh, you do.

[291] Oh, okay.

[292] All right.

[293] I love talking to you.

[294] Is there anything, is there any question I can answer for you?

[295] Because I feel like, uh, I'd like to impart a little of my wisdom.

[296] Mm -hmm.

[297] Well, uh, I want to know.

[298] I mean, I'm, I'm really into tech.

[299] and I love the advancements that are going on in the world.

[300] And I wanted to know what technology field you'd manage to fake your way into.

[301] Wow.

[302] Well, I think as most of my listeners know, I'm very techphobic.

[303] My son, who's 16, is very talented and enthusiastic about computers and coding.

[304] And he has absolute contempt for me. because I don't know how to open an app and I often bat at it like, you know, I'm like a cat batting it, a piece of yarn.

[305] I don't know what I'm doing and I'm terrible with tech.

[306] So I'm trying to think, I cannot think of a single area of technology where I would be able to pass myself off as intelligent or competent for even seconds at a time.

[307] Sona, do you have any ideas?

[308] you've seen me. And Matt, Matt, you too.

[309] I think that you actually, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit.

[310] I think you're really good at bullshitting and like making up things.

[311] Oh yeah.

[312] So you could walk into the tech company and be like, guys, we got to, you know, do better on these, uh, on these springs.

[313] And then, right, I don't know.

[314] I'm not as good as you.

[315] That's why I can't figure it out.

[316] Right.

[317] But you're very good at pretending you understand things.

[318] Don't quit your cow thief day jobs.

[319] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[320] Yeah.

[321] You know what?

[322] Can I say, Benji, I think Sona's on to something.

[323] I would need a couple of key phrases.

[324] And as long as I have a few key phrases that maybe you could give me, you know what I mean?

[325] Like three or four key phrases, I might be able to get by for a while as a cloud computing expert.

[326] Do you know what I mean?

[327] But I would need you to give me a list of like, just right now.

[328] Give me a, yeah, firewall.

[329] What else?

[330] Virtual machine.

[331] Yeah.

[332] Database Hacker What's that?

[333] Database?

[334] Yeah, just basic.

[335] Well, guys...

[336] It's very basic.

[337] No, but...

[338] And also, maybe a couple that are a little fancier than that.

[339] Those are pretty standard.

[340] You got a little...

[341] You got a fancy one?

[342] Hmm.

[343] Ooh.

[344] It can't be cow -related.

[345] It can't be cow -related.

[346] I'm thinking like there could be something cow -related.

[347] Don't you think, Benji, you could introduce me because I'm sure there are people that you talk to who wouldn't be aware of who I am.

[348] and do your contacts around the world in different countries.

[349] You could say I've brought in a consultant.

[350] He's going to be dealing with the issues, and here he is.

[351] His name's Chris O 'Brien, and I could pop on.

[352] And Sona's right.

[353] I am pretty good at bullshitting and double speak.

[354] So I'd come in, and I'd say, guys, good to see you.

[355] We are having some issues, basically surrounding the firewall interactions with our virtual machines.

[356] Virtual machines.

[357] We need, we need, you know, to work and try and upload and upgrade our database systems so that they interact across all regional formats.

[358] What I'd like to do is begin by having each of you make a presentation to me on how we can achieve these goals in the near term, but also the far term.

[359] And I think I could get by.

[360] That was really good.

[361] Besides the regional formats, everything was just like.

[362] I think I could get by, yeah, and if anything didn't make sense, you could say, guys, he's very sophisticated, some of the jargon he's using is the latest jargon that you're not aware of yet.

[363] So just be patient.

[364] He'll bring you up to speed.

[365] And I think I can get away with it.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Well, listen, Benji, I hope someday to get to Uganda, because I'd love to meet you in person.

[368] Or if you get this way, it'd be nice to shake your hand.

[369] because you seem like an honorable, an honorable man, a good man, and I'm so happy that you're, well, trust me, it doesn't mean anything when I say it.

[370] Don't get carried away.

[371] So can Matt say it?

[372] Yeah, if Matt says it, it's like sincere and has real meaning.

[373] Matt, go for it.

[374] I will say it.

[375] I think you seem like a wonderfully honorable man. Oh, thank you.

[376] You know the value of a cow and you seem like a friendly guy and I would love to shake your hand.

[377] Truly.

[378] Come over soon.

[379] What's it like, Matt, to have a soul?

[380] What's it like?

[381] Does it feel good?

[382] It is great.

[383] I sold mine in 1993 to get into television.

[384] Well, so Benji, and seriously, congratulations on your new life with your wife.

[385] And I do wish you all the best.

[386] And do you listen to our podcast?

[387] Is that how you know what we're up to?

[388] I listen to it every day.

[389] My wife sometimes is just frustrated that she's hearing your voice.

[390] But she loves you.

[391] She does have a hate love relationship with you.

[392] What do you mean hate love?

[393] What did I ever do to her?

[394] Why does she hate me?

[395] I think it's the jokes and I love them.

[396] So we're always just like, I want to listen to this early in the morning and she's, you know, she's not a morning person.

[397] This is all different.

[398] She doesn't like my jokes?

[399] Okay, I, man, I'm calling this wedding off.

[400] I'm going to, this wedding is off, Benji.

[401] It's off, it's over.

[402] We're going to find you someone who's a Conan fanatic, okay?

[403] Well, I'll convert her.

[404] Oh, good.

[405] It hasn't happened yet.

[406] It's not going to happen.

[407] Yeah, trust me. My wife would agree with your wife.

[408] She is not a fan.

[409] Well, Benji, so nice talking to you.

[410] Continued success.

[411] Best of luck and really nice to have you as a friend.

[412] Nice talking to you guys, too.

[413] I really enjoyed this.

[414] Oh, this is great.

[415] Thank you, Benji.

[416] It was a pleasure.

[417] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[418] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian and Matt Goorley.

[419] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[420] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[421] Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[422] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.

[423] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.

[424] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.

[425] Engineering by Will Bechton.

[426] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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