Stop Trying to Save Your Marriage

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[22] I do not think that you should focus on trying to save your marriage.

[23] Stop trying to save your marriage.

[24] How's that first?

[25] a Valentine's Day message?

[26] Well, I'm going to explain why.

[27] On today's episode, it's a bonus episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[28] I'm going to try to make this very short.

[29] Welcome.

[30] My name's Kirk Mart.

[31] I'm founder, Celebrate Calm .com.

[32] You can find us to Celebrate Calm .com.

[33] If you need any help, email our son, K -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[34] I do not think that you should focus on trying to save your marriage.

[35] And I'm going to tell you why, because I don't think it will work.

[36] Because what ends up happening is you try to focus, well, I'm going to save my marriage.

[37] It's too nebulous a concept.

[38] It's too vague.

[39] We're going to save our marriage.

[40] It sounds really overwhelming to your spouse.

[41] And what it really sounds like is you're trying to change me. That's what ends up happening.

[42] You end up going through and you're like, well, this isn't good.

[43] And you try to change your spouse.

[44] And it never works to try to change your children.

[45] It doesn't try to work to try to change your spouse.

[46] Instead, here's what I'd encourage you to do.

[47] Instead of trying to save your marriage, instead of working, we're going to work on our marriage.

[48] No, let's not do that for the next two weeks, the next two months.

[49] Instead, let's put all of that energy into this.

[50] I'm going to focus on myself.

[51] I'm going to break the negative patterns, the immaturity, the insecurity that I brought into my marriage.

[52] I am going to work on that.

[53] And I am going to learn I, now my spouse, I am going to, to learn new relationship skills.

[54] I'm going to learn how to handle conflict because virtually nobody knows how to handle that.

[55] On our regular parenting podcast, as we talk about all the time, how do you handle conflict, power struggles with a defiant or melting down child?

[56] And I go through the steps.

[57] It's the same thing with your marriage.

[58] It's learning how to handle conflict.

[59] I love the love languages.

[60] But you can know and understand the love languages all day long, but it doesn't doesn't matter if you don't know how to handle conflict and the difficult parts of relationships.

[61] And we don't because the people who married us, look, I'm not blaming you or me. It's the people who married us, the pastors and priests and other people who marries who were not honest with us.

[62] And they should have told us when we got married, let me tell you what you're about to embark on.

[63] You are about to have a union, marriage is the union of two, imperfect, deeply flawed people who are usually very young and don't even realize all of their flaws, all of their insecurities, their fear of abandonment.

[64] You don't even know why you're getting married.

[65] You're driven by forces.

[66] You're not even aware of yet that you won't even find out to about 15 or 20 years later that you had a fear of abandon in being alone.

[67] So you married this first person that came along, right?

[68] Or you met this guy and you thought that you could fix and change him.

[69] And you grew up.

[70] When you were a kid, you were the caretaker.

[71] You learned that your parents paid attention when you took care of everybody and you were overly responsible.

[72] So you became overly responsible.

[73] And now you're going to fix this guy and guess what?

[74] You're going to have kids together and you're going to try to fix them too.

[75] And you're going to try to fix them too.

[76] And you don't even know that.

[77] And you get married.

[78] And then guess what happens?

[79] You're going to get grow up and then you're going to have kids, a strong will child.

[80] And you're going to disagree on discipline because one's going to be too soft and coddle the child and the other one's going to be too harsh.

[81] then you're going to slowly drift apart, right?

[82] And you'll try to do some things, and the wife will speak up, but the husband will dismiss her concerns, and she'll eventually say, you know, I tried, but he just won't listen, he dismisses me. And so I'm just going to focus on the kids, and I neglect the spouse.

[83] And then we figure, after the kids go off the college, maybe we'll work on it, or maybe we'll just try someone new.

[84] Isn't that what happens?

[85] Because we don't learn how to handle conflict, and we don't even know all of our own brokenness.

[86] And look, I know this because, look, we get 100 emails a day.

[87] Guess how many are on marriage?

[88] None.

[89] Maybe one every once in a while.

[90] It's all about fixing the kids.

[91] We have this calm couples marriage program.

[92] Look, we've extended our set.

[93] We're including it free.

[94] Back in the day, we charged $697 to $997 for the marriage mentoring program because it was worth it, because it can change everything.

[95] And it's one of the most important things you can do for parenting.

[96] But over time, people just don't focus on their marriage because they don't know where to start.

[97] And their husbands don't want to go to marriage therapy because they feel like they're teamed up on.

[98] And so we're including it free with a calm parenting package for another week because it's so important.

[99] And I promise if you go through this program, if you already have our stuff and you have it, pull it out, go through it.

[100] If you email me every day, I will read your email and I'll mentor you through it.

[101] You can sign up for mentoring with me, but I'd rather you just go through the marriage mentoring program.

[102] program and just follow the steps and email me occasionally.

[103] I will help you through it because it is really important.

[104] And if you do that, if you focus, so let me do this.

[105] Stop trying to save your marriage and instead focus on changing yourself.

[106] Here's what will happen.

[107] Number one, and I can guarantee this will happen.

[108] You will become a better person.

[109] You will become a more content person.

[110] You will become a more emotionally, whole, more mature person that you like and that you respect, you are going to spend the rest of your life with you.

[111] The rest of your life you are with you.

[112] Your kids are going to grow up and leave the home.

[113] Your spouse may leave the house, but you will be with yourself for the rest of your life.

[114] And wouldn't it be awesome to be with a person who you look at in the mirror and you're like, I respect this person.

[115] I respect you because you have worked so hard at this and you have changed and you have broken some of those negative patterns.

[116] And you've overcome some of those things that you kind of inherited from your parents.

[117] And you, you are a new person.

[118] I can tell you that someone who has been through this process who did it the hard way, the wrong way, and then eventually did it the right way, when I was ruthless with myself and I didn't focus on my marriage or my spouse or my kids and I focused on myself, it changed who I am and I like it.

[119] And it benefits me every single day of my life.

[120] I like it.

[121] You may, I can't guarantee this, but you may just attract your spouse to you even more because they may look at you and think that's the person I thought I was marrying look what she has become her he has become that is powerful it may just spur them on to change because you changed yourself you didn't try to change them I know what will happen this is true it will take the pressure off your spouse to change because I guarantee you if you go to a husband and you say honey we need to work on our marriage we need to go to a marriage therapist Nope, no, no, no, we don't.

[122] Because you know what it is?

[123] We're going to go in an office, and you and the therapist are going to team up on me, and I'm going to feel overwhelmed, and I'm going to feel helpless to change, and nothing I do is ever going to be good enough.

[124] It won't work.

[125] But when you focus on yourself, it gives your, watch, in parenting, it gives your child space to step up and control and learn to control himself.

[126] And when you focus on yourself, it gives your spouse some time and space to really look inward and to work on himself or herself.

[127] Now, if your spouse does not get on board, because I don't guarantee that, when you listen to the Calm Couples program, I am explicit.

[128] I cannot guarantee you that this will save your marriage because that is not my goal, because it doesn't work.

[129] My goal and my promise is that you will change yourself.

[130] If your spouse gets on board and begins to change, you have a shot at a brand new marriage with two emotionally whole people, which is awesome in what you've wanted.

[131] If your spouse does not get on board and you end up getting divorced, which I do not want, but if it happens, or if you are a single person, I can assure you that your next relationship will be the one that you want because you will not make the same mistakes.

[132] You will not marry a person for the wrong reason, right?

[133] Many of you, you married a controlling guy because your dad was controlling or he had emotional issues.

[134] And so you learned as a child, you learned how to manage his emotions.

[135] So you grow up and you started dating people and you found out the guys that you dated a lot and the guy that you married were very much like your dad because it was comfortable to you.

[136] See how that works?

[137] You were used to having that in a man and you ended up marrying a person who was just like that.

[138] And that's not healthy.

[139] But the next, time around, no, you're not going to grow old to be the cat lady.

[140] You will be mature and you will be a whole person.

[141] You will attract to you other mature people who've got their stuff together and now you have a shot at creating the kind of relationship that you always wanted.

[142] Not by saving your marriage, not by trying to change your spouse, not by putting your energy into trying to save and work on your marriage, but by working on yourself.

[143] Do it.

[144] Do it.

[145] Do it let's do it for the next two months work on that email me i will encourage you i'll help you work through the program if we can help you go to celebrate calm .com get the special and let's hit it hard let's do it that's exciting i don't know what will happen if i try to save my marriage but i do know it happens when you work on yourself it is a beautiful beautiful thing and i can't wait to see the new you it's an awesome place to be love you all let me know if we can help you thanks so much bye Bye -bye.