Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[1] Want to talk to Conan?
[2] Visit team cocoa .com slash call Conan.
[3] Okay, let's get started.
[4] Hi, Jill, meet Conan and Sona.
[5] Hey, guys.
[6] Hi, Jill.
[7] How are you?
[8] I'm well.
[9] How are you?
[10] We're doing very well, thank you.
[11] Jill, where are you right now?
[12] In the world, in the world.
[13] In the world, yeah, yeah.
[14] A farm doesn't narrow it down too much, but you're on a farm.
[15] I think I can do the rest.
[16] No, I actually can't.
[17] I have no idea where you're from.
[18] I'm just outside of Vulcan, Alberta, which is in Canada.
[19] The town is called Vulcan?
[20] The town is called Vulcan.
[21] Yes.
[22] It's in Southern Alberta.
[23] Southern Alberta, okay.
[24] And tell us about the town of Vulcan.
[25] Paint a picture for us, would you?
[26] So there's about 2 ,000 people.
[27] And I don't know if you guys are Star Trek fans, but the town is kind of taken on the Star Trek theme.
[28] Wait, as in the Vulcans that are on Star Trek?
[29] Wait a minute I don't understand what you're saying So I just thought it's just a town called Vulcan And of course Vulcan goes back to ancient mythology So it doesn't necessarily have to I mean I'd be a moron if I said oh like Star Trek But then it turns out you're telling me That the town is leaning into it right And it has a Star Trek theme Yeah so there's a Starship Enterprise As you're going like through town Like a giant statue Yeah Is everybody emotionless and very logical there?
[30] A lot of people who live here think it's weird, but why didn't grow up here?
[31] My husband did.
[32] Who decided this?
[33] This wasn't a communal decision?
[34] Everybody was like, yeah, let's do a Star Trek thing.
[35] Yeah, I mean, to be honest with you, I'm from Kirk, Massachusetts.
[36] And we didn't do any.
[37] We didn't lean into this at all.
[38] You guys are from Vulcan and you lost your mind.
[39] When you say there's a statue of the USS.
[40] enterprise.
[41] You mean like there's it, how big is this thing?
[42] How big are we talking?
[43] Like huge.
[44] Like maybe it's, I don't know, like 30 feet across.
[45] Like it's, it's.
[46] Yeah.
[47] Do people.
[48] And there's a Trek Center in town.
[49] Like they'll host, um, they have Spock Days in the summertime.
[50] What's a Trek Center?
[51] And people will like, it's like a Star Trek Museum.
[52] Like they have a few costumes from the show.
[53] Wait a minute.
[54] I'm sorry.
[55] Well, they say their costumes from the show, but they're just costumes, okay?
[56] First of all, trust me. It's like a spirit of Halloween store.
[57] Yeah, exactly.
[58] Don't, don't, don't ask too many questions about those costumes.
[59] This is unbelievable to me that a town has surrendered its dignity like this.
[60] This is, I mean, this is absolutely incredible.
[61] Yeah, so they have a spock days in town.
[62] So there'll be clangons, you know, walking down the street.
[63] And, but also there's a rodeo at the same time.
[64] so there'll be Klingons and cowboys like passing each other.
[65] What is this town?
[66] Wait a minute.
[67] So there'll be Klingons walking down the street but also cowboys but also random Spocks.
[68] Now we know that Spocks and Klingons don't get along.
[69] So that's like...
[70] Yeah, we know that.
[71] Do cowboys and Klingons get along?
[72] Actually, Cowboys and Klingons probably do.
[73] Really?
[74] Yeah, yeah.
[75] That would make sense.
[76] What's a Klingon look like?
[77] Ritchie forehead.
[78] Oh, I know that.
[79] Yeah.
[80] Yeah, they've got that.
[81] that bumpy brow.
[82] The old bumpy brow.
[83] So, Jill, this is fascinating to me. You guys ever bump brows?
[84] Yeah.
[85] So, Jill, you live here and you live there happily.
[86] Do you ever get, I would think people would just get tired of.
[87] Look at me. I'm Spock.
[88] Yeah, it's Thursday.
[89] Enough with the Star Trek, you know?
[90] Or is it okay?
[91] I don't know.
[92] I feel like nobody talks about it.
[93] And I honestly know nothing about Star Trek.
[94] So it's kind of weird.
[95] But I just moved here because my husband, grew up here and just yeah it's it is what it is yeah well you must really you know what i gotta say you must really love your husband that's what's nice i do is that yeah he invited you to basically join him in a child's bedroom uh and called it a town and now it's like you're imprisoned on the hollow deck or something oh god well i you know i debated whether i should say that yeah no you didn't you don't I did.
[96] You know what?
[97] I think whenever you say you debated whether you should say something or not, you always say it.
[98] Never once have you not said it.
[99] And I do apologize.
[100] Well, listen, Jill, we have a lot to, first of all, okay, so we know now we have a picture, boy, do I have a picture of where you live?
[101] And I'll be coming to Vulcan.
[102] I want you to tell the people I'll be coming.
[103] You should bring Schlansky here and do like, he can go through the Star Trek Museum.
[104] Oh, my God.
[105] Actually, that's kind of a cool idea.
[106] Right.
[107] There's only one flaw.
[108] I'd have to travel with Jordan Schlansky.
[109] Ah, yes.
[110] The most annoying person I've ever met.
[111] What do you do?
[112] You said you're on a farm.
[113] What kind of farm?
[114] What do you grow there?
[115] We kind of have a hobby farm with animals, but what we do for work is we own a commercial greenhouse.
[116] What do you grow in the greenhouse?
[117] We grow native plants, but we specialize in wet.
[118] plant plants.
[119] So we like to call ourselves swamp farmers because we're growing like cat tails and bull rush.
[120] But we grow them for wetland restoration work that we do.
[121] Oh, that's very noble work.
[122] I think that's good.
[123] We need, we must preserve and protect our wetlands.
[124] We must also live long and prosper.
[125] Yeah, there you go.
[126] Are you doing it right?
[127] You live in Spocktown.
[128] And you're asking me if you're doing the Vulcan salute correctly.
[129] Is this how it goes?
[130] I don't know.
[131] Why don't you tell us?
[132] How did you even get in past the city limits if you didn't know that?
[133] That's the equivalent of a credit card in that town.
[134] Oh, that'll be 3550 for this bird seed and I'll give the old live long prosper sign and you're good.
[135] So you well no, Jill, this isn't unusual at all.
[136] You live in a fake Star Trek town populated by Vulcans, Cowboys, and Spock's.
[137] And you grow swamp mush in your greenhouse, right?
[138] Yeah.
[139] Yes, that's right.
[140] This is fantastic.
[141] This is amazing.
[142] I do like, first of all, I do think environmentally it's fantastic that you're restoring wetlands.
[143] That's a big deal.
[144] I think people for a long time just filled wetlands with cement and said this could be a parking lot.
[145] I did that.
[146] Well, I didn't even need a parking lot.
[147] I just wanted to chase some.
[148] some rare rare creatures out of their habitat.
[149] Just kidding.
[150] So you do that and do you have animals too on this farm?
[151] Yeah, we have, well, I've been breeding fainting goats for about seven years.
[152] I don't know if you're familiar with.
[153] I've heard of fainting goats.
[154] Going on with your life.
[155] I know.
[156] Nothing you do.
[157] There's no straight line or right angle.
[158] It's all twists and turns with you.
[159] Like, is that a breed?
[160] Have you heard of those?
[161] Yeah.
[162] Do they faint?
[163] Yeah, it's like a congenital thing.
[164] Like, it can happen in humans and horses, too, where it's a nervous response.
[165] If they get nervous or excited or scared, they freeze up and essentially, like, fall over.
[166] Why would you want more of those?
[167] Why would you breed them?
[168] Yeah.
[169] I'm sorry.
[170] Is that a rude question?
[171] We're all thinking it.
[172] Oh.
[173] No, it's fair.
[174] It's fair.
[175] It's fair.
[176] Son has a good question, which is, and listen, I was about to say I'm not questioning any of your life decisions when in fact I'm looking at my notes and that's all I've done Jill but why that's a good question why would you want to breed fainting goats is it do they enjoy fainting all the time is it pleasurable I don't think they do it's okay most goats can like can jump out of fences they're really hard to keep So fainting goats, they can't really jump or climb.
[177] So they're really, they make good acreage pets.
[178] And they're a miniature breed.
[179] So they're super cute.
[180] And what do you need to do to make them faint?
[181] I mean, can you just show them that, you know, this is the latest recession information that's coming from Wall Street.
[182] And they'll just go, ble, clung.
[183] Or show them a picture of a chupacabra.
[184] Pretty much anything will make them faint.
[185] and you show that's so anything will make them faint i don't know most things yeah now do you have or if they're excited you like come out with treats they'll yeah they'll just faint yeah yeah yeah i have a brother that does that um he just topples over when you show yeah no no if my oldest brother if you if you walk in with uh you know like a whole pino's pizza you know pino's pizza coolidge corner yeah of course and uh if you walk in with a pino's pizza he he suddenly goes rigid and he falls over.
[186] And that's why we've covered the whole first floor with mattresses.
[187] Speaking of which, do you have to put down anything on the, on the, do you have to put anything, lay anything down so that when these fainting goats fall, they, they're okay?
[188] They're outside.
[189] So they just fall on the ground.
[190] But we had a few goats in the house.
[191] I had one, she was bottle fed and lived in the house for a few months.
[192] She kept falling down the stairs.
[193] Like she'd try and climb up the stairs.
[194] And she'd get too excited and fall down.
[195] Wait a minute I'm not How are they still alive?
[196] Yeah, how is that alive?
[197] Did you get a stair chair?
[198] Yeah, for my grandmother, we got a stair chair.
[199] And it would be like, and the goat's just coming down.
[200] And then the goat gets to the bottom of the stair chair and gets off and comes into the room and you're watching the movie Get Out and the goat goes, it falls over.
[201] How long are they fainted for?
[202] How long are they out?
[203] Yeah, how long are they out?
[204] Just a couple, just a couple seconds, yeah.
[205] If I'm like a predator, I'm looking for fainting goats.
[206] I'm going to eat all of them.
[207] That was the theory of how they kind of came, you know, about is that they were bred so that they would be the sacrificial goats in with the herd of the rest of like regular goats.
[208] So if a predator came, they would faint and.
[209] Yep.
[210] That's a terrible.
[211] You nailed it.
[212] What a terrible destiny.
[213] What a terrible destiny to be bred so that when trouble breaks out, you fall over and the predator is so busy eating you that the regular goats get to run away.
[214] But you sacrifice your life for the herd.
[215] It's heroic.
[216] It's not heroic at all.
[217] It's called a genetic destiny.
[218] They're weak.
[219] You know.
[220] But they weren't evolved that way, right?
[221] They were bred that way?
[222] That's what I heard.
[223] Yeah.
[224] That's what I heard.
[225] Well, you've done no research.
[226] You, you, oh, Jill, we have much to discuss with you.
[227] You Vulcan goat killing.
[228] God damn it.
[229] Cowboy friendly.
[230] Swamp farming.
[231] Spock high -fiving.
[232] Swamp herder.
[233] Jill, I don't know what to say.
[234] You have a fascinating life.
[235] I love it.
[236] And now, where's your husband right now?
[237] Where is he?
[238] Oh, yeah.
[239] Well, I made him leave that house.
[240] We have an 11 -month -old, so I...
[241] A child or a goat?
[242] Child.
[243] Or cling on.
[244] Yeah, and is the child faint ever, too?
[245] What if the child is watching all these goats topple left and right and thinks that's just learns that behavior?
[246] And then you slightly say, oh, I just went to a dry bar and got my hair blown out.
[247] What do you think, little Mikey?
[248] Oh, bong.
[249] That's the sound everybody makes when they think.
[250] Wow, so you told your husband, take the child.
[251] What's the child's name?
[252] Bill.
[253] Okay.
[254] Bill e. Goat.
[255] Nicely done, goarly.
[256] Oh, wait a minute.
[257] Hold it.
[258] No, badly done.
[259] No, that was very good.
[260] I'll give you that.
[261] Bill e. goat.
[262] I'm trapped in a hell of my own making.
[263] So when you said, hey, will you take our...
[264] I've got to talk to Conan, Sona, and Matt Gourley and explain our situation predicament with them.
[265] Can you take our son, Bill?
[266] Where do you think he took him?
[267] My guess is someplace Star Trek themed.
[268] No, they're just in town at my in -laws.
[269] Oh.
[270] Yeah, I know.
[271] But that still could be Star Trek theme.
[272] It's in town.
[273] Yes.
[274] Yeah, it's in town.
[275] We don't know what your in -laws are into.
[276] Do Star Wars people ever come to town?
[277] And does that get tense?
[278] I don't know.
[279] Like for example, Matt here is a real Star Wars fan.
[280] He gets offended if I bring up Star Trek.
[281] But I'm wondering if Matt was just traveling along with his lovely wife and his daughter, and they stopped through town and Star Trek.
[282] And he got out and maybe was wearing a T -shirt that said Yoda Rules, which is an actual shirt he has.
[283] No. Would he be beaten?
[284] Would he be attacked?
[285] I mean, depends on when you come.
[286] If it's during Spock days, then possibly.
[287] Wait, is there a beef between the...
[288] Yes, there's major beef.
[289] So you're saying it's possible...
[290] No, there isn't.
[291] Yeah, yeah, there is.
[292] But why?
[293] They're completely different franchises.
[294] That makes no sense.
[295] Sona, this is shockingly naive of you.
[296] And, yes, there's a long beef.
[297] Please, let me get back to the point, which is that you are pretty much a...
[298] assuring me that if I can get Matt Gourley there.
[299] Oh, wait a minute.
[300] Hold it.
[301] Wait a. On a spock day in your town of Vulcan, that he will be attacked.
[302] I mean, I'll protect you, Matt.
[303] Thank you.
[304] No, you're missing the point of what I'm trying to do here.
[305] No, you're also forgetting that I'm going to come with the neighboring town of Wookie from Wookiee, from Wookiee, Saskatchewan.
[306] Okay.
[307] And we're going to come on and do a big rumble.
[308] Yeah.
[309] I'm going to get my friends from.
[310] I'm getting my friends from Bones, Iowa, who are going to come in.
[311] You know, Bones, Bones McCoy, the doctor.
[312] Okay.
[313] Jim, this man is dead.
[314] Yeah, yeah, okay.
[315] Where the hell were you?
[316] Well, I thought you meant like Bones, the show.
[317] Yeah, the show.
[318] With like...
[319] No, when you say Bones, no one thinks of Bones the show.
[320] Matt and I both did.
[321] Oh, and now Adam's raising his hand.
[322] He thought that too.
[323] Yes, both of all of us did.
[324] So you guys think that my references are a little out of date.
[325] No, I mean, if you would have said DeForest Kelly, then we would have been somewhere, yeah.
[326] Or Bones McCoy.
[327] Can I leave?
[328] Can I just leave the room?
[329] No, no, no. Is it okay if I'm not here?
[330] No. You need to learn these things.
[331] I'll take Jill with me. No. You know what I love?
[332] We're talking to Jill, who lives in a town of 2 ,000 people.
[333] Her only friends are feigning goats and the occasional Spock and Cowboy, and she grows ragweed that lives in a swamp.
[334] and while we were all bickering about Star Wars versus Star Trek I saw her eyes dart around and she got bored and that is an accomplishment she's on her Zoom right now is just a static picture she put up of itself and she left she left she's outside right now with some smelling salts trying to bring old Gertie out of it hey Jill did you have a question for me yeah okay yes So wetland science is still kind of emerging.
[335] Oh, boy, I get this question all the time.
[336] Okay, wetlands.
[337] This nothing gets my interest when someone starts a question.
[338] Now, wetland science is still emerging.
[339] Now continue.
[340] Okay.
[341] There's a possibility in my lifetime I'll be able to discover a new wetland species.
[342] If this happens, what would you name it?
[343] Well, I mean, sorry, but I would love to have a species.
[344] he's named after me. Of course.
[345] Yeah.
[346] I would say it's the, you know, the Conan route, you know, something like that.
[347] I mean, I'm sorry, you're asking me, and I would love to have something live on after I'm gone.
[348] We all know that these tapes will be destroyed.
[349] It's in my wife's will.
[350] Tapes.
[351] They're like in a library, the tape library.
[352] I don't know how things work anymore.
[353] Oh, oh, oh, like there's a cloud.
[354] I don't think so.
[355] A cat just reared its head.
[356] What do the goats do when they see the cat?
[357] Wow, look at that cat.
[358] Is that a fainting cat?
[359] This is Kenny Powers.
[360] Kenny Powers.
[361] Kenny Powers.
[362] What?
[363] The goats don't like the cats, actually.
[364] We had one goat who lived in the house, his name was Stu.
[365] And any time the cats would come in, he would get, like, oddly aggressive and make these hilarious noises.
[366] Be great if we widened out a little bit and we just saw goat hooves up in the air straight up, just everywhere.
[367] I'm just imagining hundreds of goat hooves going straight up in the air.
[368] And, you know.
[369] Yeah, do they ever, like, faint in a chain reaction, like dominoes or anything like that?
[370] What if you scare the first one?
[371] He falls and hits the second one, scares the second one.
[372] You could arrange them so they make a, fan and then they go up a ramp and they make a jump you know like anyone else setting up dominoes oh we have to do that yeah don't they hurt themselves when they fall we did this I'm sorry I don't know what your problem is good God you ask the same question twice in one of no they're fine Sona they're good well Jill Jill, I don't know what to say to your question.
[373] I don't care.
[374] I pretended to care earlier about the wetlands because it sounded economically and ecologically responsible.
[375] But I don't really care.
[376] And if they're going to name it after something, I'd like a star or a celestial happening named after me or even a hurricane, a terrible hurricane.
[377] Okay.
[378] Well, you could just go buy a star named after you.
[379] No, I don't want one of those.
[380] I think you can do that.
[381] vessel.
[382] Wait, you want to like have it named after you, like people who discover things get things named, but you're not discovering anything.
[383] Oh, who needs to know that?
[384] No one in show business really does anything.
[385] We just take credit for shit.
[386] It's true.
[387] There's the lead singer of Dire Straits, Mark Knopfler, has a dinosaur named after him.
[388] Yeah.
[389] Yeah.
[390] What?
[391] It's all worked out by our agents.
[392] Um, listen, you're going to hear from my representation.
[393] You're going to hear from a Gavin Pallone.
[394] Uh, and he is going to hammer out this deal where I get a wetland species named after me. And of course, I get, he's going to get 10%.
[395] Actually, knowing him, he'll probably get 15 for 20.
[396] Anyway, that's not the point.
[397] The point is that we're saving the earth and that my name will live on and that my manager will get a cut.
[398] You feel good now?
[399] Okay.
[400] Yeah.
[401] All right.
[402] I am.
[403] Is he going to get part of the flower?
[404] Paid for having a plan?
[405] 15 % of the flower?
[406] Like one pedal?
[407] Do you understand how show business works?
[408] Is it if I sell the plant, you get 10 %?
[409] Trust me, we'll take care of that.
[410] Okay, we're going to bioengineer this swamp plant so that it gives you a nice, sweet, mellow high.
[411] And then I'm going to move this stuff.
[412] We're going to sell it in playgrounds all across America.
[413] Hey, I'm doing what I got to do to put bread on the table.
[414] Jill, this took a turn, a very dark turn.
[415] I want to say to you, it has been lovely talking to you.
[416] You live a very strange, unusual life, but you seem like a lovely person, and you seem quite contented, and I wish you all the best.
[417] I applaud you.
[418] I applaud your fainting goats, your Spocks, your Vulcans, Cowboys, that massive statue that's in town, and everything that's happening in that weird corn of the world that you call home.
[419] And Sona, did you want to find out if the goats hurt themselves?
[420] Do they hurt themselves?
[421] Yes.
[422] And we're out.
[423] Thank you, Jill.
[424] Thank you guys so much for having me. This was fine.
[425] I am a huge fan of the podcast, and Sony, your book is great.
[426] I'm reading it.
[427] I'm reading it.
[428] Thank you so much.
[429] Thanks for reading it.
[430] That's so Cool.
[431] Thank you.
[432] Thanks, Jill.
[433] Let's edit out.
[434] Any praise for the book?
[435] No, no. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.
[436] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.
[437] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[438] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaireoff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.
[439] Music by Jimmy Vivino.
[440] Supervising producer Aaron Blair.
[441] Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
[442] Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm.
[443] Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
[444] Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[445] This has been a team Coco production in association with Stitcher.