#126 - Freddy Lockhart (Part 1)

[0] Freddy Lockhart is in the building.

[1] Buckle up, bitches.

[2] Here we go.

[3] The guy.

[4] I thought you were going to get the girl today.

[5] It's for Freddy.

[6] Oh.

[7] Happy Sunday.

[8] Happy Shark Week.

[9] Oh, yeah.

[10] It's Shark Week every three months, man. They're wearing that Shark Week out.

[11] Freddy Lockhart is in the building, ladies and gentlemen.

[12] Maybe one of the only humans that I know that says son more than I do.

[13] Yeah, I say son even when I look at the sun, son.

[14] Yeah, it's all bright today, son.

[15] I say it by myself when I'm in the car.

[16] When I see dudes on the phone, get off the phone, son.

[17] When I get the phone up to their ear, which is illegal under California law.

[18] I wonder how many fucking people have died directly as a result of idiots being on their phone, texting and driving and talking on the phone by their ear and losing out the peripheral vision.

[19] I bet it's staggering numbers.

[20] It's a lot worse than I thought it was.

[21] At first I was like, oh, it's probably the worst as eating or doing other things in the car.

[22] But no, there's so many times you're just at the stop.

[23] Like, really, stop Facebooking.

[24] It's a green light.

[25] Yeah, there's a lot of people that just won't let that shit drop.

[26] Yeah, I have to make a point.

[27] And, you know, you're winding mountain road almost, you know, dying.

[28] Just a tweet.

[29] Isn't that how they thought that Paris Hilton...

[30] Was it Paris Hilton's plastic surgeon?

[31] Yeah.

[32] They thought he did it, but it was just a lie.

[33] But it sounded so good.

[34] I don't know why they ever clarified it.

[35] Just leave it out there.

[36] You know, he was...

[37] The one who rolled over the cliff in Malibu.

[38] Yeah, he tweeted about his dog and then a couple seconds later died.

[39] And they were thinking that he was tweeting while he was driving.

[40] But they don't know.

[41] He could have been reading his tweets.

[42] Yeah.

[43] You know, he might not have been actually driving.

[44] But how the fuck do you go off a cliff?

[45] Especially if you had driven that clip many a time.

[46] Yeah.

[47] It's like, I know Laurel Canyon like the back of my hand.

[48] I can drive it close.

[49] Unless you think you're in a goddamn Porsche commercial and you're going sideways around corners.

[50] There's this video that made me want to get a GT3.

[51] Before I got one, there's a video of a Porsche on a mountain road.

[52] It's a GT3 on a mountain road.

[53] It's some badass fucking rally driver.

[54] And he's on a mountain road.

[55] And it's like turning left and right.

[56] And he's going sideways around every corner.

[57] Just knows what the fuck he's doing.

[58] Knows how to handle that thing.

[59] It looks so much fun.

[60] You got one?

[61] Yeah, I got a GT3.

[62] I got rid of that Barracuda.

[63] Oh, did you?

[64] Yeah.

[65] Well, you never drove it.

[66] It just went out for shows all the time.

[67] Well, I never drove it, and it went out for shows for the first six months that I had it, and then it almost killed me. I've talked about this many times on the show, so in the interest of brevity, when I got home one day, the suspension fell off in the driveway.

[68] The suspension detached from the frame.

[69] And I was like, what the fuck?

[70] That could have happened like 10 minutes ago when I was going 70 miles an hour on the highway, and I'd be a dead person.

[71] That's like a quarter million dollar car.

[72] Yeah, yeah.

[73] Well, it didn't cost me that much, but it's probably worth that much.

[74] But I got rid of it, and then I got the Porsche.

[75] Did you sell it on the Barrett Jackson?

[76] No, I sold it to a dude that I know.

[77] Oh, no, sure.

[78] Some rich character.

[79] Is he driving around?

[80] Yeah, yeah.

[81] He owns like a big Ferrari refurbishing place, and he loves cars.

[82] He's got 100 cars.

[83] I remember you would show up with that every once in a while, and then Fat James would go.

[84] I think you'd pay him like the same.

[85] Yeah, I paid way to give him a hundred bucks.

[86] I give everybody a hundred bucks to watch it.

[87] And then one of the dudes that I gave a hundred bucks now is one of the cameramen for TMZ.

[88] So he comes down to the improv.

[89] And I'm like, what's up, dude?

[90] And he's like, hey, remember you used to make me car your car for a hundred dollars.

[91] That's a terrible impression of him.

[92] I don't know why.

[93] You know what?

[94] That's all he deserves.

[95] Some guys will say that's a terrible impression.

[96] That's all he gets.

[97] That's all he gets.

[98] He ain't a bad dude.

[99] He's just a little on the shy side.

[100] I wasn't jerking up.

[101] I didn't say you were.

[102] What's wrong with you?

[103] Is he a comic?

[104] Is he trying to be a comic?

[105] I don't know.

[106] He's a nice guy.

[107] You know, I actually even lived in the same apartment.

[108] I don't want to say lived with him.

[109] In the same room?

[110] Not in the same room.

[111] I lived with him at Wheels' place.

[112] Are you and Wheels living in the same apartment sometime?

[113] No, actually, he moved in after I moved out.

[114] You might have been renting somebody else's house.

[115] You don't even know.

[116] I was there for like a month, and then I moved into Caliendo's house.

[117] And then those guys later on, you know, they were like, hey, thanks for closing.

[118] I'm like, yeah, that's good.

[119] What is that?

[120] You know, he's one of those weird, weird guys.

[121] If you don't know who we're talking about, there's this comic named Wheels.

[122] And he used to open for Dice Clay back in the day.

[123] And his claim to fame, he even had it on his website, was the night that Dice couldn't follow him.

[124] He killed so hard, Dice couldn't follow him.

[125] What the fuck are you talking about?

[126] Like...

[127] If you've never seen Dice perform, love or hate Dice, Dice is a goddamn pro.

[128] Yeah, nobody does it.

[129] Nobody goes on and Dice is like, I can't do it.

[130] Yeah, I can't follow it.

[131] It's impossible.

[132] It's never happened ever.

[133] But this dude is also like, his stories are, I don't want to call him a compulsive liar, but that's the only description that fits.

[134] Grandiosity?

[135] Yeah.

[136] Well, we did the La Jolla ones, and he was like, you know, I was a professional pool player.

[137] He's telling me he's a professional pool player.

[138] I go, really?

[139] He goes, oh, yeah, I hustled.

[140] I go, dude, I didn't know that.

[141] I go, I've been looking for someone to play pool with.

[142] Come on, let's play pool.

[143] We'll play with a dollar a game.

[144] Dude owes me like 30 bucks.

[145] I won 30 games in a row.

[146] I'm like, this is ridiculous.

[147] Where will you play in pro?

[148] Because I'm going to go over there and start robbing people.

[149] He never got out once.

[150] Never got out once.

[151] I'll tell you one thing.

[152] He's a hell of a cook, though.

[153] Have you ever had his food?

[154] Yes, I did.

[155] He catered, and he brought it to the comedy store, and it was really good.

[156] Yeah, yeah, he's a hell of a cook.

[157] But I don't want to believe he made it.

[158] I want to believe that he fucking stole it from some Mexican dude.

[159] He's got some poor guy working for it for five bucks an hour.

[160] I didn't even think about that right here at Vons next time.

[161] There's a lot of those guys in Hollywood, man. You would meet a lot of guys that are just completely, totally full of shit.

[162] But you know something, when you're on the level, it takes me a while to figure that out.

[163] It took me years in Hollywood to figure it out.

[164] I'm just like, why would people lie about that, you know?

[165] And especially now, it's like, I have the internet.

[166] Yeah, well now the problem is they've established a long tradition of lying.

[167] They subscribe to it themselves after a while, and they create this world that they want to live in.

[168] Well, I think a lot of it is also just impulsive.

[169] The liars that I've known, it seems like they just can't help it.

[170] Like, they have a hard time not lying.

[171] You know what's the weirdest is successful liars.

[172] I'm not going to name any names, but there's comics in this business.

[173] Eddie Griffin.

[174] Yeah, okay.

[175] You're not scared.

[176] I love Eddie Griffin.

[177] I love Eddie Griffin, but Eddie Griffin's in the back of the comedy store once.

[178] I went eight rounds yesterday with a world champion kickboxer.

[179] And I'm going to tell you what, for the first three rounds, for the first three rounds, the nigga was getting the best of me. But for the last five, he didn't want none of this.

[180] He's got a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other.

[181] Meanwhile, this guy's a movie star.

[182] He'll tell you things like, when I was studying at Harvard and before Yale, but after Oxford and before Johns Hopkins, I said to myself, Eddie, I'm going to do some comedy.

[183] The thing is, he was a very talented dude.

[184] A brilliant dude.

[185] It's like he had all of these attributes, but then he would just like...

[186] Oh, nigga, I've been to the moon three times.

[187] I'm like, I'm sure you have not been to the moon.

[188] I don't think you have.

[189] He's a liar movie star.

[190] Yeah, and that's what I don't get.

[191] It's like you knocked it out of the park.

[192] You did something that .001 % of people in this town do.

[193] Congratulations.

[194] And here you're trying to tell me that you own Coca -Cola, too.

[195] It's like, come on.

[196] He's so crazy.

[197] I'm already impressed.

[198] But that's why he's so talented.

[199] He can just get on stage and just talk shit.

[200] He's one of the few guys that I've ever seen that will get on stage and not have a fucking clue as to what he's going to talk about.

[201] Right.

[202] And he'll stay up there for five hours.

[203] And you know what he always did?

[204] It's like I'd always extract.

[205] One thing I liked from a comic, even if I didn't like that comic very much, is he could bask in silence.

[206] He could just sit there and think of his next thought.

[207] He's stupid.

[208] And he goes, I ain't going to say shit.

[209] Yeah.

[210] And just sit there with his face and smoke and stare.

[211] Well, he'll also...

[212] Let it seem like you were supposed to be dwelling on the last deep shit he hit you with.

[213] Yeah, like he just inundated you with an avalanche of intellect.

[214] Like, oh my god, let me come up from all this.

[215] We're exposed to, by being comics, and by being comics in the pressure cooker that is Hollywood, you're exposed to psychological lessons that the average person just never gets to...

[216] deal with.

[217] You know, you get to watch someone become crazy.

[218] You get to watch someone, you get to watch someone lose their shit when they get a little bit of fame.

[219] Those guys are fascinating.

[220] Oh, yeah.

[221] You know, the people that get a little development deal and all of a sudden they're yelling at people and ordering people around.

[222] Dude, you know the best story that ruined you?

[223] You know the story of the Boondock Saints, the kid, the Troy Duplicate who made that?

[224] Dude, we have talked about this on the podcast very recently.

[225] There's a documentary right there.

[226] That's it on the floor.

[227] Overnight.

[228] That's the perfect example of that.

[229] For the folks that don't know, there's a guy that made the movie The Boondock Saints, and they made a documentary on him called Overnight, and he's just an insufferable cunt of a human being who got some success and fucked it all up.

[230] And kind of success, though, I haven't heard of since then in Hollywood.

[231] Like, they bought the bar the kid worked at.

[232] They didn't, though.

[233] He promised it was part of the deal.

[234] Miramax, Harvey Weinstein promised to buy him the bar and co -own the bar.

[235] Because that was back then when they had hopes that, like, hey, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon did it.

[236] We're star makers now.

[237] We're going to take indie scripts and make them big.

[238] That was kind of their thing in the late 90s, Miramax.

[239] You know, they're huge into that.

[240] And so, yeah, that kid gets that deal.

[241] And he's talking, like, people are lining up to make...

[242] I haven't seen that kind of heat around a script since then.

[243] No. The dudes who were lining up to get in there, all Boston Irish dudes, were like, really?

[244] clamoring to get in there.

[245] And then it started to whittle down to all you have is Willem Dafoe, who was in it from the beginning, but that's the only guy I think who stayed attacked.

[246] If you see the movie, though, man, it's an amazing documentary on what can happen to you.

[247] Get at it all.

[248] Yeah.

[249] You can lose your shit, man. There's a lot of people.

[250] I've met so many people that have just completely lost their shit along the way to just mediocre success.

[251] Just a little tiny bit.

[252] And you see them...

[253] you know, letting you know they got a million dollar guarantee in this fucking show.

[254] They're going to put it on right after Friends.

[255] There's no way it's going to fail.

[256] Yeah, we're in.

[257] But don't you think it's funny, though, like in the grand scheme of things, that the bigger they are, usually the cooler they are.

[258] Like a Tom Hanks is probably not a dickhead.

[259] You know what I mean?

[260] Some of them, yeah.

[261] Or say in the world of comedy, Chris Rock shows up to the comedy story, shows up alone with a notebook, asks us if he can go on.

[262] Right.

[263] Or say, you know, he's arguably the top comic in the world, at least one of the most recognizable.

[264] Right.

[265] Now take somebody who's like maybe the 156th best comic in the world.

[266] Like Minstilium.

[267] Yeah, something like that.

[268] They want to get on stage and Bogart go on.

[269] Act like Patton's showing up to a war theater.

[270] It's like you can't, you know, if the number one guy is exercising that much humility.

[271] Everybody below needs to follow suit.

[272] It's an amazing dance that you play when you're trying to get attention on stage because you're trying to get these people to look at you.

[273] So you're trying to perform the most entertaining set possible.

[274] In the best way possible.

[275] But in some way or another, you have to divert all that adulation away from yourself.

[276] You have to figure out a way to accept it and then turn it right back to the people.

[277] You can't bathe in it.

[278] You can't take it seriously and think that you are the shit.

[279] Or you will suck.

[280] And you've got to remember, too, we're not saving fucking lives.

[281] You know what I mean?

[282] And that's like another thing, too.

[283] It's like with comedy, but you have so many other interests.

[284] It's like we have 23 and a half hours a day to spare.

[285] You can either become just a fucking miserable prick, or you can educate yourself or pick up another passion.

[286] Or you can become completely obsessed with your career in quotes and not have any other thing that you turn to and then lose your shit.

[287] Because to me, a career allows you to do all the other things you wanted to do.

[288] It's like, okay, now I have a pass to do the other things I want to do.

[289] There's an interesting thing that Marc Maron just did.

[290] He did this keynote speech at the Just for Laughs, and I listened in on it because I have this sort of love -hate thing with Maron.

[291] Marin helped me out when I was an open -miker and gave me some real solid advice and real solid compliments.

[292] And I remember, you know, I'd only been doing comedy for a real short period of time, less than a year, and Marin was established.

[293] And I was like, wow, I can't believe this guy just, you know, just totally pumped me up.

[294] And I was like, I can fucking do this.

[295] You know, I felt like, you know, I got, you know, from a guy like that who was real stingy with compliments.

[296] Sure.

[297] You know, so.

[298] For years, I've been trying to be so fucking nice to him because of that.

[299] So every opportunity to shit on him or to fuck with him, I've avoided and ducked because I felt like I owed him for something that happened when we were really young.

[300] That's why I did his podcast, even though he said some stupid shit about me. He doesn't even know me. We didn't even have conversations.

[301] What did he say about you?

[302] He said a bunch of really dumb shit.

[303] One of the really dumb things that he said is that I've done more bad to comedy than Mencia has because of doing Fear Factor.

[304] And his rationale, this is a true argument, his rationale was that in doing Fear Factor, I had taken work away from stand -up comics who also worked as writers.

[305] So the idea is that in me being a stand -up comic who also has a side job of hosting somehow or another these other stand -up comics, their side job of writing sitcoms outside of stand -up comedy, their side job is somehow or another more valid.

[306] It's still not comedy.

[307] It's still not stand -up comedy.

[308] You're talking about a guy who's a massive plagiarist who just ruined comics' lives.

[309] And you're comparing them to me because I hosted a game show.

[310] Watching this, listening to this keynote, now I understand a little bit better.

[311] Because three years ago, he was talking about how he was so depressed.

[312] He couldn't get any road work.

[313] He couldn't get booked anywhere.

[314] No one wanted to have meetings with him.

[315] Nothing was going on.

[316] And he was thinking about committing suicide.

[317] And this was just three years ago.

[318] This was before he started doing his podcast.

[319] And this is while all the shit was going down.

[320] Three years ago, I wasn't doing Fear Factor, but I'm sure before then, the bitterness was just as much.

[321] When some people see other people get success, they fester, and it drives them fucking crazy, and they want to look for holes in it.

[322] They want to look for things that are wrong with it.

[323] Instead of saying, oh, look at that fucking guy.

[324] He's going to do it.

[325] I love Drew Carey.

[326] I wouldn't want to host The Price is Right for a fucking million dollars an episode.

[327] I'd be like, God damn.

[328] That's what he's doing?

[329] The Price is Right?

[330] Or is that a...

[331] Yeah, he took over Bob Arkin.

[332] But you know what that shows me?

[333] That you're a creature who is survival of the fittest.

[334] When this business changes, you adapt.

[335] Well, he decided to take a job, is what I looked at it.

[336] I mean, look, Drew Carey's a great personality.

[337] He's a warm, friendly guy.

[338] You know, like, what's the other guy's name?

[339] The black dude who sings?

[340] Oh, Brady?

[341] Yeah.

[342] What's his name?

[343] Wayne Brady.

[344] Wayne Brady.

[345] Why do I want to call him Will?

[346] I can't remember his name.

[347] I smoke too much weed.

[348] But anyway, when he does his show, which one is he doing?

[349] He's doing one of those daytime shows too.

[350] Oh, is he doing his hot show?

[351] Yeah, one of those fucking either Price is Right or the other one.

[352] You know what I mean?

[353] Name that tune, whatever the fuck he's doing.

[354] It's not good.

[355] And it's one of those things where you look like it's like soul -crushing shit.

[356] But it's just a fucking gig.

[357] When I see Drew Carey, I don't go, fucking Drew Carey sold out.

[358] Like, look at Drew Carey selling out.

[359] But Maren has this thing because he was so unsuccessful.

[360] He looks for reasons why other people's success is either invalid or negative or bad.

[361] But this fucking festering.

[362] personality of constantly obsessing about his career and negativity.

[363] It was a fascinating keynote.

[364] One of the things he said that he joked around, it was a really funny joke, I'm the guy who thought Louie's TV show should have been called Fuck You, Marc Maron.

[365] You know, because they started out together, you know, so he's got some fucking crazy jealousy about Louie.

[366] Did you know him in Boston or New York?

[367] Yeah, I knew him in Boston when I was an open mic.

[368] You know, he was, I'd say him kind of with me, he was always...

[369] He's a cunt to everybody.

[370] He's a cunt to everybody.

[371] He's a cunt to Jamie Kilstein.

[372] He's a cunt to Ari Shafir.

[373] Brian Callen wanted to beat him up.

[374] He's been a cunt to me. He's a cunt.

[375] And the reason why he's a cunt is because he's a cunt to himself.

[376] He's not happy.

[377] Because Callen's a really nice guy.

[378] Callen's as nice as can be.

[379] He's the coolest, nicest guy ever.

[380] He insulted Callen on stage in front of Callen's friends who came to see him in New York.

[381] And Callen wanted to kill him.

[382] Callan, you know, Callan even, like, said something and threatened him and said, look, I'll hit you.

[383] Like, okay, you want to fuck with me and fuck with me in front of my friends?

[384] Like, I'll hit you.

[385] I don't know what happened or who.

[386] This is just the stories that I'm getting, but I know that he gave Ari unsolicited criticism, and I know he fucks with Killsteen.

[387] Brian, are you fucking with the levels constantly?

[388] No, I'm just tweeting.

[389] You're fucking with my head, bro.

[390] Leave it alone.

[391] But why is he doing that?

[392] He's doing that because he's doing that to himself.

[393] His whole mind is fucked.

[394] He's a guy who's been doing comedy forever, but still can't get successful.

[395] We were in Irvine the other day.

[396] We did the Irvine Improv.

[397] And I'm like, do you guys pretty much sell out here every weekend?

[398] He's like, not when Marc Maron was here.

[399] He's like, barely got 100 tickets sold to each show.

[400] And I was like, 100 tickets at the Irvine Improv?

[401] Like, that's impossible.

[402] It's like this career that he's had for all these years, 25 -plus years, he's obviously done a lot of shit wrong until he did this podcast.

[403] And this podcast, he's just nailing it.

[404] The podcast he figured out.

[405] what he is good at is really getting into people's minds.

[406] He knows his own neuroses.

[407] He knows his own, his own fears and hopes and dreams and stand up.

[408] And he can relate to other comics.

[409] And then now he's sort of like calming down and being, but he still does douchey shit.

[410] Like Anthony Bourdain is going to be on my podcast.

[411] Oh, seriously?

[412] Yeah.

[413] And he wrote, uh, Hey, I heard you're going to do Rogan's podcast, but he ain't me. You know, it would be deep.

[414] And that's exactly what he wrote.

[415] He ain't me. It would be deep.

[416] Like, come on me. Go, go.

[417] Take a goddamn yoga class, okay?

[418] Go to one of those places where everybody just hugs everybody.

[419] You know what I mean?

[420] Just go and get some hugs, man. This negative, festering fucking kind of thinking is exactly what we're talking about where people don't have shit outside of their career.

[421] They don't have a bunch of other things.

[422] Yeah, if you have something going on, I could care less about what's going on with others.

[423] They've never taken away from me. If you're not taking work away from me, which, you know, nobody is.

[424] Nobody is.

[425] You know, I'm fine with that.

[426] That comedy cop thing to me ends about a year into comedy when it's like, holy crap, I've got my own thing to say now.

[427] I don't want to be concerned with who goes on for me, who goes on after me. I don't care.

[428] Well, it's another thing that Maren had said on his show once about his parents never fostered a healthy sense of competitiveness in him.

[429] And he's one of those guys that, like, if he's losing, he'll just turn the board over.

[430] He'll just fucking...

[431] Take your ball and go home.

[432] And it's that crazy sort of...

[433] fucking dysfunctional thinking that that thinking that this disconnected is what it is you're disconnected from other people and you want it all yeah you want all the adulation you want all the love and if you're not getting what you need fuck everybody else then negativity starts you start throwing your negativity at other people and the only way you can truly be positive at all is if you feel like you're getting enough positivity to be okay i got a good level here i got a good stash of positivity now i can be nice It's a fascinating psychological study to watch all these guys, to watch these Marc Maron guys that were literally on the brink of suicide.

[434] And I think I try to like Marc.

[435] I really do.

[436] I try to be nice to him as much as I can.

[437] I try to like him.

[438] But it's like, man, I have a hard time seeing all that.

[439] I want to just throttle a guy like that and go, look, let's sit down and write down what the fuck is wrong with you and just work it out for once and for all.

[440] Let's not deal with this for 25 fucking more years.

[441] Let's figure this shit out, man. It's not Frankie Pace, this thing, man. God!

[442] Exactly.

[443] Exactly.

[444] You know, let's not go that better.

[445] He's a fucking guy.

[446] That guy, he got mad at me once because I called him.

[447] I said, the old school comedy talent of Frankie Pace.

[448] That's why I said old school.

[449] And he doesn't understand that old school is like skills.

[450] He's like, my man's old school.

[451] Like, my man's an old school Gojo Ru karate guy.

[452] You can say that to a dude and he'll give you some knuckles.

[453] He'll be laughing.

[454] You know, that's like a compliment.

[455] But when I called him, you know, an old meemaw, he sucks.

[456] I shouldn't even have said old school.

[457] Like, I said, go on stage without your stupid fucking devil horns and your bag of shit that you bring with you everywhere.

[458] And even a Vita without the talent and ability.

[459] Here you go.

[460] He's a cunt of a human, but it's the same thing.

[461] It's like, here's a guy who doesn't feel like there's enough positivity out there, and if he hasn't stockpiled a big stash of it, then it's, oh, these fucking kids, they think they're funny, and all you do is talk dirty, and all you do is this, and all you do is that.

[462] Yeah.

[463] So he goes on stage and introduces me after I introduced him with this old school thing.

[464] And he goes, this guy thinks I'm old school.

[465] And then he shits on me, and he starts shitting on my jokes.

[466] And this is all before he brings me up on stage.

[467] So I go on stage.

[468] I don't even know exactly how to handle him.

[469] So I go on stage.

[470] I go, first of all, dude, before I address any of what you just said, so I just start talking to him as he's walking through the crowd.

[471] I go, old school's a positive thing.

[472] I go, am I right, folks?

[473] And they start clapping.

[474] I go, it's like a rapper term.

[475] I go, when you say someone's older, he goes, yeah, well, then you must be new school.

[476] I go, are you trying to say that I'm not good, that you don't like me?

[477] I go, what are you trying to say?

[478] So then I start smiling, and instead of getting upset at him, I start mocking him.

[479] I go, do you not like me?

[480] Do you not like my comedy?

[481] I go, what's the matter?

[482] I go, does it make you feel uncomfortable when people laugh harder at my shit than yours?

[483] And that's when he got fucking pissed off at me. And he goes, you fucking wish you were as good as me. I go, come on, man. We all just watched you.

[484] You ain't that special.

[485] I go, didn't you guys see him?

[486] I go, you saw him, right?

[487] I go, what has he got, like, devil horns on and shit?

[488] I go, what was that?

[489] Was that good?

[490] Was that amazing?

[491] Was that some breakthrough shit?

[492] I go, look at you, you little fat fuck.

[493] And he goes, you're going to look like me when you're my age.

[494] I go, do you think you look like me when you were my age?

[495] I go, what the fuck are you talking about?

[496] What are you saying?

[497] I'm you?

[498] You're me?

[499] Are we one?

[500] You're a cunt.

[501] You're a cunt of a man. Get out of here.

[502] What a bitter fuck to be like, you look like this, son of a bitch.

[503] He's that guy, though.

[504] He is the last guy you want to be.

[505] The business owes me something.

[506] This business doesn't owe you a goddamn thing.

[507] There's a lot of those guys, though, man. It does.

[508] And people always say, too, it's like Hollywood.

[509] It's so crazy.

[510] It's so hard to make it.

[511] It's the fairest business I know.

[512] Yeah.

[513] It never shoos talent away.

[514] No, no, no. Get out of here.

[515] We don't need it.

[516] They never shoe talent away.

[517] But those guys who can find all these things wrong, whether it's the club booker or whatever, especially at the comedy store, you'll find guys that's like, I'll always say, what other club is putting you on?

[518] Right.

[519] Silence.

[520] They can never tell me another club.

[521] Well, the Comedy Store's got a fucking half a million assholes that really shouldn't be on stage.

[522] Right.

[523] But they've snuck into that system back in the 1970s and stuck there.

[524] Yeah.

[525] You can go there any given night, on a Monday or a Tuesday, and you'll see three or four comics you can't fucking believe are professional comedians.

[526] Right.

[527] At the Comedy Store.

[528] Yeah.

[529] In Hollywood.

[530] Man, when I was...

[531] That's Mecca.

[532] The best of the best and the worst of the worst.

[533] The worst.

[534] Beyond bad.

[535] The attic is high and the basement goes real fucking deep.

[536] But there was a lot of room clears back in the day.

[537] We would see them.

[538] We would look at the – that's the face you – that's exactly what you'd say.

[539] You would look at the lineup.

[540] You would see Freddie Lockhart, and then you'd look at before you, and you'd just go, oh.

[541] Dude, I remember when I worked the cover booth, and I turned my shirt inside out because I was embarrassed to work there because I have to answer to the likes of why is it a Guglia Rossi on stage or a Dave Pierre or whoever they were putting on, giving eulogies as they do.

[542] And I remember you drove that NSX, and I remember it was like if I saw that NSX pulling up, you were like the Calvary.

[543] It's like, oh, a legitimate – Bonafide comedian, a real comedian that I can show all these people that I had to look in a straight face in charge of $20 to see the likes of Dave Pierre up there telling, why doesn't my cell phone work with the antenna down, but up, it works.

[544] Wow, huh?

[545] That was his closer.

[546] Wow, that poor guy.

[547] He stopped doing comedy, and he started doing some, like, I think he started doing some sort of humanitarian work or something like that.

[548] I forget what he did.

[549] He was a really nice guy.

[550] He was.

[551] I sold that guy my car for, like, nothing.

[552] Dave Pierre, sorry, I switched it.

[553] Dave Teitelbaum.

[554] Oh, Dave Teitelbaum.

[555] Doesn't that sound more like Dave Teitelbaum?

[556] Dave Pierre, honestly, I don't even remember.

[557] Dave Pierre was a sweet guy.

[558] I don't even remember his act.

[559] He worked at the store, too, though.

[560] Really, really, really thin guy.

[561] Yeah, Dave Pierre.

[562] Real skinny and funny.

[563] I had a nice Volkswagen, a Scirocco.

[564] Oh, yeah?

[565] I think that was what it was called.

[566] No, not the Scirocco.

[567] Maybe it was a Scirocco.

[568] Whatever.

[569] It was like a Volkswagen, a pretty sweet Volkswagen.

[570] And I started, that's what I got, like one of my first development.

[571] Wait, what year was this?

[572] This was 94 when I first came to Hollywood.

[573] What year was the Volkswagen?

[574] 92, 91, something like that.

[575] It was a nice car.

[576] It was a decent car.

[577] Your first new?

[578] Yeah, my first new car.

[579] And I got a Supra Turbo.

[580] And so I had this other car just laying around, and, you know, Dave was telling me he needed a car, but he doesn't have any money.

[581] I'm like, how much money you got?

[582] And he wound up giving me like $1 ,000 for it or something like that.

[583] I just gave it to him.

[584] I forget what it was exactly, but, you know, the car was worth like $10 ,000.

[585] Oh, that's awesome.

[586] I just gave it to him.

[587] I was like, go ahead, take it.

[588] He's a nice guy.

[589] Dude, I bet he still drives that mother car.

[590] He lives in it now.

[591] It's got 300 ,000 miles on it, thanks.

[592] There was an interesting place because of that very reason, though.

[593] The lesson of the Comedy Store was that there was no rules there.

[594] It was chaotic and ridiculous, and it made no sense.

[595] a guy like Eddie Griffin would go on at 9 o 'clock and stay on stage until 3 o 'clock in the morning, like all the time.

[596] It's a pool with no lifeguard.

[597] There's just a bunch of kids swimming and some are jumping off the roof.

[598] But because of that, a lot of people develop that sort of habit of just going on stage and not giving a fuck about the clock.

[599] And I did too, and I'm guilty of it for sure.

[600] I did a lot of long sets there.

[601] But you were doing them a favor though, and you're also a guy who gave back to the club.

[602] It's like there's little things that go without saying.

[603] You give us a new roof, a new sound system, let them run the light.

[604] Charles Fleischer would give me a Sacagawea coin to do 40 extra minutes.

[605] Yeah, well, he was kind of crazy.

[606] You know, Fleischer's a strange guy.

[607] He's a deep dude, though.

[608] He's out there.

[609] He's been at the store lately.

[610] I haven't seen him in a while.

[611] I think they banned him.

[612] They banned him from the store.

[613] We catch up every once in a while.

[614] They banned him?

[615] Yeah, something happened.

[616] They stopped giving him sets.

[617] Which one of these is yours, man?

[618] No kidding.

[619] I haven't drank any of them.

[620] Yeah, they stopped giving him sets.

[621] Something happened, he got pissed, and then he started going over to the Laugh Factory.

[622] He's a genius, man. He's a fascinating dude to sit down and talk to.

[623] I want to get him on the podcast.

[624] I got his number once at a Starbucks, but then my fucking BlackBerry fell in the toilet, and I lost it.

[625] I lost it before I stored it on the computer.

[626] I think I might have his number.

[627] He's a fascinating character.

[628] He's the voice of Roger Rabbit, for people who don't know.

[629] But he's also a scientist.

[630] In the back of the comic story, he said he came up with some new geometric structure.

[631] He's been working on it for the last 30 years.

[632] six days.

[633] He's working on this mathematical structure.

[634] He fucking brought it in.

[635] It was pieced together with little plastic.

[636] I go, how long did it take you to put this fucking thing together?

[637] He pieced it all together himself.

[638] This weird, multi -sided geometric pattern.

[639] I'm like, wow, what a weird guy.

[640] Yeah, very weird, but he's one of those guys.

[641] I wonder what his house looks like.

[642] I would love seeing.

[643] He was married for a long time, and now he's single.

[644] He's one of those guys that probably when his wife left the house, instead of crying, you're probably like, Sigh.

[645] Now I can get to work.

[646] Now I can go work on my machines.

[647] I bet he has a lathe and all sorts of industrial stuff in his garage.

[648] Shit that just dudes don't have at home.

[649] There's a lot of dudes that like building things, man. Adam Carolla has a full cabinetry construction set up at his garage.

[650] He's got the dopest place where Adam does his podcast.

[651] He's got a killer studio set up where it's like couches and microphones and all that.

[652] A whole staff.

[653] He has a staff.

[654] When I was there, there was like...

[655] Five or six people working for him, manning the video cameras and working the phones and all this different shit.

[656] And then he's got this back area where he keeps his cars, where he also has carpentry equipment.

[657] He's, like, building fucking cabinets and shit.

[658] Oh, that's awesome.

[659] He's a strange cat.

[660] He's one of the weirdest become.

[661] I mean, I would consider him a stand -up comic now.

[662] He wasn't for a long time, and now he is again.

[663] But he's one of the weirdest of those guys.

[664] Because he's such a, he doesn't watch comedy.

[665] He's not a fan of comedy.

[666] Yeah.

[667] But to him, it's like, he goes, well, it's just easy for me to do.

[668] So I just kind of go do it.

[669] That's a dead -on one.

[670] He just fucking does it.

[671] I never met him before.

[672] It's funny.

[673] He's great.

[674] There's these guys that have been around forever.

[675] I met Tom Arnold recently.

[676] I did a pilot with him.

[677] He was super cool.

[678] I had no idea what he was doing.

[679] You've got to catch him on the right mixture.

[680] Oh, yeah.

[681] You might catch him when he's on some weed and he's friendly as fuck.

[682] You catch him and he's gacked out and he wants to cut your fucking heart out with a fork.

[683] I don't need my heart getting cut out with a fork because I need us to go to network.

[684] People are complaining that the audio is fucked up, Brian.

[685] Yeah, I was getting some reverb in my ear.

[686] I'm scared to touch it.

[687] All right.

[688] Well, that's not good because then...

[689] It's good on the MP3, but that's what I was playing with earlier.

[690] Well, how do we know what it sounds like on the Ustream?

[691] See, the problem is this laptop doesn't have a headphone jack because it only has one jack for headphones.

[692] Well, doesn't this one have a headphone jack?

[693] Yeah, but...

[694] I mean, if I can plug it in there and listen to it, I can try it.

[695] Yeah, why don't you plug it in there and listen to it?

[696] Jesus Christ.

[697] I don't want to interrupt you.

[698] Well, I want to find out what's going on, man, because the last one was terrible, apparently.

[699] You get mad at me. I don't get mad at you always, just when you're retarded.

[700] I was just playing with the levels.

[701] Tell me not to.

[702] Okay, tell me what's going on now.

[703] Now you listen to me. Here, hold on.

[704] I'm talking to you.

[705] Brian, Michael.

[706] It's Ustream right now, so I'm getting a big spinning ball.

[707] Ustream is very nice for having us on and all that good stuff, but it seems like it kind of sucks.

[708] I see a lot of complaints about it all the time.

[709] It's free, you know?

[710] At least you don't have all the ad things.

[711] Are you getting there?

[712] Yeah, see, it's all static and stuff.

[713] Still?

[714] How bad does it sound?

[715] Yeah.

[716] Does it sound really bad?

[717] It sounds shit like shit.

[718] Well, why don't we disconnect it from that thing?

[719] How much of a pain in the ass?

[720] How long would that take?

[721] Well, the problem is that it makes no sense at all.

[722] The audio...

[723] Oh, damn.

[724] Brian, we can't have this.

[725] Hold on.

[726] This is terrible.

[727] Wait, can I show you something, though?

[728] Here's the audio that your computer is saying it sounds like.

[729] Yeah, I understand that, Brian, but it's going...

[730] Okay.

[731] This plug that's going in here, it's the same plug.

[732] Brian, I don't care.

[733] What I'm saying is it sounds terrible for the people that are listening on Ustream.

[734] So how do we fix that?

[735] We're going to stop.

[736] We're going to stop.

[737] We'll be right back.

[738] We're going to stop, folks.

[739] We're going to fix this.