#121 - Bryan Callen

[0] It doesn't feel like a podcast.

[1] It's a broken experience.

[2] Oh, the blackout.

[3] I want to be riding a horse when I hear that music.

[4] Yeah.

[5] The wind in my hair.

[6] Yeah, that's how it starts, baby.

[7] Smile on my face.

[8] Wild times.

[9] I could live in the wild times.

[10] Let's get on our horses and just ride.

[11] That's what I want to say once.

[12] Be out there on that prairie and I could survive not talking to anybody.

[13] Damn right.

[14] All I need is a match, a bowie knife, and my dick.

[15] It's always that character, that Charles Bronson dude who wants to live in the woods by himself and doesn't bother anybody, but the government has to go out there and fuck with him and he winds up killing everybody.

[16] What is it that we admire about that guy who doesn't need anybody?

[17] That's the American way.

[18] Self -sufficiency, man. I don't need anybody but myself.

[19] I'm self -reliant.

[20] Yeah, but with a lot of guys, the loner would be kind of creepy, but Charles Bronson had a way of pulling it off.

[21] That was admirable.

[22] There was nothing Ted Kaczynski about him.

[23] Charles Bronson was a badass and God help you.

[24] If you were a fan and tried to come up to him, this guy, I know Adam West, you know, Batman told me a story 16 years ago about how Charles Bronson was reading a book in a bookstore.

[25] And this guy comes up and goes, excuse me, Mr. Bronson.

[26] I'm a huge fan.

[27] And Charles Bronson goes, fuck off.

[28] And goes right back to his book.

[29] Just like that.

[30] I was like, Oh, okay.

[31] It's hard to know.

[32] how much of that is the truth.

[33] God damn it, people are so full of shit.

[34] He was notorious for being just not the friendly.

[35] He was a tough, he was a real tough guy, actually.

[36] You know, when he did Hard Times, if you've never seen Hard Times, Youngsters.

[37] Yeah, Youngsters, please.

[38] It's one of the goddamn all -time classics.

[39] It's a beautiful movie.

[40] And it's really like the first underground cage fighting movie.

[41] They actually fought in a cage.

[42] Bronson was in his 50s when he shot that.

[43] Was he in his 50s?

[44] 50s?

[45] Because you see his body.

[46] It's ridiculous.

[47] He had a lot of Native American in him, and I think he used to be like an acrobat or something.

[48] Something along those lines, yeah.

[49] He was in a circus, I think.

[50] Even with Wikipedia, we're just bullshitting through this.

[51] He was in the circus, yeah, yeah.

[52] He was in the circus.

[53] He did capoeira in Brazil.

[54] In Brazil, he did capoeira.

[55] That's always my favorite stuff when people go, no, this guy I know, this guy, there wasn't UFC, dude.

[56] He fought in the underground in Burma.

[57] 17 confirmed kills under his belt.

[58] There was a lot of guys who just made up a bunch of shit like that in the 70s.

[59] Greatest.

[60] Remember the guy who did the movie Kickbox?

[61] No, not Kickbox.

[62] No, no, Bloodsport.

[63] Bloodsport, yeah.

[64] Frank Dux.

[65] Yeah.

[66] Yeah, he's a ninjutsu guy who went out there to the Kumite and just fucked everybody up.

[67] Damn right.

[68] Supposedly, he had a story.

[69] Remember Dim Muck, which was Death Touch?

[70] There was a guy named Raphael Torre, and I've talked about this guy before, because this guy snuck through my crazy radar, and I realized that there was something wrong, and then it turned out he was a killer.

[71] Like, I didn't know.

[72] I was around this guy.

[73] He was a friend of a friend.

[74] He was a friend of Eddie's.

[75] And I was around this guy a couple times, and normally my crazy radars are really good.

[76] Yeah.

[77] But this guy.

[78] Snuck right through it.

[79] And he was such a pathological liar.

[80] This is one of the things that he did.

[81] He was a fake black belt.

[82] One of the things he did was he had a friend drive him to this spot and he said, I'm going into the woods.

[83] You can't come any further.

[84] I'm going to go to this Kumite and I'll be back in two days.

[85] So his friend drives him into the woods and then he sees him like walk around and like hide behind a tree.

[86] And it's like, what the fuck is he doing?

[87] Right.

[88] So he kind of hangs back to watch and the dude starts walking back down the road where he came from.

[89] Like, so the guy drives off, right?

[90] He goes like, I don't know what the fuck is his deal.

[91] was but he wanted to be dropped off in the woods he the guy comes back two days later with a trophy like he comes out of the woods and he has a story about well i had to fight 50 men All bare knuckle.

[92] Some guys chose to have glass on their hands.

[93] Some guys not.

[94] Just had just crazy, nutty, fake cage fighting stories.

[95] Meanwhile, it was probably just a guy fuck fest.

[96] I got to put this handkerchief in my pants.

[97] Don't worry about it.

[98] It's just a signal.

[99] It was nothing.

[100] There was no, nothing happened.

[101] He made up the whole thing.

[102] There was no Kumite out there.

[103] He just came a lot.

[104] He just went to the.

[105] Yeah, same thing.

[106] I had the guy in a headlock, then I fucked him.

[107] Well, he wound up killing a guy by choking him to death.

[108] Oh, really?

[109] Yeah, that's the story, is that this guy was just this crazy pathological liar, and he wound up hooking up with his girl, and the girl was married, and he choked the husband to death.

[110] Oh.

[111] Nice guy.

[112] So in real life, when you choke somebody to death, instead of just choking them jujitsu style, you have to continue to choke them when they're already passed out.

[113] You have to hold it for a while.

[114] Yeah, you just hold it.

[115] Because in the movies, it's like, and then they pass out, and they're like, ah, he's dead.

[116] But in real life, you have to do it from it.

[117] Some people would die from it.

[118] In Glorious Bastards, when he chokes with his hands, that's really hard to do.

[119] Really hard to do.

[120] Even put a guy out by choking him.

[121] It hurts, but it's all a matter of how much you can tolerate.

[122] It cuts your breathing off because it crushes your windpipe if the guy's got good thumbs.

[123] But it probably won't put you unconscious.

[124] It's hard.

[125] It's hard.

[126] You can't do it.

[127] It's not something I practice.

[128] But some guys will tap to that.

[129] Like, kickboxers, when they first start fighting in MMA, they tap to, like, forearms across the neck.

[130] Like, a guy will just stack them and get a forearm on their neck, and they just can't deal with it.

[131] Well, they don't know how to react to it, probably.

[132] Yeah, I've seen it a few times.

[133] Like, high -level kickboxers like Tom Erickson.

[134] I think Tom Erickson did actually tap a guy with a rape choke.

[135] He actually grabbed his neck like this.

[136] Wow.

[137] What we would call the rape choke.

[138] Wow.

[139] Yeah, and he tapped the guy.

[140] Some dude taps in humanly strong hands, though.

[141] Tom Erickson.

[142] was 300 pounds, all -American wrestler, gorilla.

[143] You're going to tap.

[144] There was one point in time when Tom Erickson was the scariest guy on the planet, and he kind of missed both boats as far as fame, and a lot of people don't know about Erickson because of that, but if you go back to when Erickson fought Kevin Randall and smashed him and knocked him unconscious, he was fucking really close to 300 pounds, corn -fed, just one of those big, crazy white boys, and a powerful wrestler, just a real good wrestler.

[145] I'd love to have rape choke strength.

[146] other guys, just grab a guy and go, you're going out.

[147] But Erickson got, he was getting famous right at the time where the UFC was falling apart.

[148] And so he went to fight over in Japan and he just never really, it just, what his, the peak of his athletic talent and the peak of his, you know, his possibilities, they didn't collide together correctly.

[149] One of the things I was thinking about is like, just for MMA, like if you're tennis players, MMA seems to be, to stay on top, like what the way, say Anderson Silva or GSP.

[150] is so extraordinarily difficult because there are so many good guys now coming up.

[151] And more importantly, it looks to me like a lot of these guys are really learning how to box because they're coming out of boxing gyms.

[152] When you learn how to box and you can punch now, instead of punching like a wrestler, they're punching like boxers.

[153] When you don't have gloves, you make one mistake.

[154] You're going to sleep.

[155] There's this guy, Fabio Maldonado, that's been fighting out of Brazil, and he just fought recently.

[156] And this fucking kid, he's got nasty hands, dude.

[157] And he fought Kyle Kingsbury, who's like a serious athlete, 205.

[158] And Kyle Kingsbury was grabbing in the Muay Thai clinch and he was just ripping hooks to his body.

[159] And Kingsbury had to let it go, which is rare.

[160] Most of the times when a guy gets you in the Muay Thai clinch and you punch his body, the guys can take it.

[161] But he turns his punches over so good and he's so loose with them.

[162] They just, blam, blam.

[163] Like there were just vicious body punches.

[164] You see the difference between a guy who could really punch.

[165] Like if you got a guy like Manny Pacquiao.

[166] And you gave him those little gloves.

[167] Forget it.

[168] Let me tell you something, man. If you don't take Manny Pacquiao down the first five, ten seconds to fight, you're getting fucked up, man. Did you see what happened to the back of Ricky Haddon's head when he hit him with that hook?

[169] I thought he was dead.

[170] Dude.

[171] I was like, I've never been like, oh, my God.

[172] He got shut off.

[173] The thing about Pacquiao is he's a little guy.

[174] He's only 147, 150 pounds.

[175] But he hits fucking hard for a little guy, dude.

[176] I watched him physically hit the pads.

[177] Freddie Roach was holding pads for him.

[178] I watched it.

[179] And dude, first of all, the punches come so fast and all of them are hard.

[180] So maybe there's a guy who could punch 40 % harder than him, but he might only hit you once.

[181] Pacquiao's going to hit you 18 fucking times.

[182] I think a lot of guys can't train for that kind of speed.

[183] You can get your sparring partners.

[184] When I watched what he did to Margarito, who is a bigger guy and has been through wars and has actually never been hurt, Margarito's a rough, rough customer.

[185] Well, he got hurt by Mosley before that.

[186] Mosley beat him up.

[187] But he was psychologically fucked because they caught him with plaster in his gloves.

[188] Yeah, that's right.

[189] I remember that.

[190] And they made him fight anyway.

[191] That's crazy shit.

[192] He knew he was going to be suspended.

[193] He was going to be vilified.

[194] He's such an assassin.

[195] And to see Manny Pacquiao take a bigger man like that and do whatever he wants.

[196] Oh, he's a monster.

[197] Pacquiao is one of the, if not the greatest of all time, top two.

[198] I mean, I think, I would think he's number one.

[199] And people will argue with it, but goddammit, he's won world titles in eight different weight classes.

[200] Who the fuck has ever done that?

[201] I would love to have seen him fight Duran.

[202] Yeah, oh my god, oh my god.

[203] Duran at 147, the Duran that beat Sugar Ray in the first fight.

[204] And that really wasn't his best weight class.

[205] Duran's best weight class was 135.

[206] 135 is one of the greatest lightweights of all time.

[207] If you watch his fight with Ken Buchanan when he won the title, he was a fucking vicious Panama streak.

[208] Just an animal, man. He was a born fighter.

[209] You see these documentaries on that guy.

[210] It's like a pit bull.

[211] It's like a game -bred dog.

[212] They went to interview him in Panama when he was a kid, when he was a contender, when he was coming up.

[213] And they're following him in the streets, asking him about boxing, where'd you learn how to box?

[214] And in front of these reporters, he grabs a cat by the tail and throws it into a brick wall.

[215] Oh, my God.

[216] Yeah, in front of him.

[217] You know, he, I remember when they, there was an old interview and you could probably YouTube it where he's being asked by like Brent Musburger or someone about his fight with macho, Hector Macho Camacho.

[218] He had some fight with, you know, it was later on in his career and, and you'd hear him say some stuff in like Spanish.

[219] And Brent Marsberg, well, and the interpreter would say, because Brent Marsberg, do you feel like you're fighting in the outside?

[220] It's going to be hot.

[221] Is the heat going to affect you?

[222] Or do you think you're used to that, you know, against someone like Macho who moves around so much in a ring?

[223] He goes, he just goes, he's referring to Mr. Camacho as a homosexual.

[224] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[225] So Martin Marsberg would be like, well, yeah.

[226] But do you think that you're fighting now with 10 -ounce glasses?

[227] 12 -ounce gloves now.

[228] And you are a harder hitter.

[229] And a lot of people say, do you think that's going to favor you in the fight?

[230] Are you going to go to the body?

[231] Do you think more than the chin?

[232] He's still referring to Mr. Macho as homosexual.

[233] And then finally, I think the third time, whoever it was, he was like, he's still calling him a homosexual.

[234] Well, anyway, that's Roberto Duran.

[235] I guess we're not going to get anything out of him.

[236] He was impossible, man. He was just like a guy, a true fighter.

[237] Well, also, I mean, he grew up in Panama, man. I think if you grow up in a tough country, you know, you grow up in a spot like that.

[238] You grow up poor.

[239] Noriega, they say Noriega and he were friends.

[240] Like Noriega liked him a lot.

[241] Everybody would like him.

[242] He's Roberto Duran.

[243] You can't not love a true fighter.

[244] A true fighter.

[245] representing your country they had other guys you say it'd be a pedroza wasn't he from panama as well i think he was cuba was he yeah i don't know i don't remember i thought he was from panama but but duran was one of my favorite fighters of all time And the guy couldn't even speak English.

[246] It didn't matter.

[247] He just was such a savage.

[248] It's going to be interesting to see guys like Nick Diaz who are coming out of Andre Ward's camp and stuff, and these guys who are really studying boxing.

[249] And even though you have to know everything in MMA, which is what I love about it, you are going to get some guys who are going to become incredible boxers.

[250] And I think that it's going to be an issue about you're going to have fights that last.

[251] You can't have very good punchers.

[252] You can't slip when you don't have gloves.

[253] When guys can punch that hard, I think something's going to have to give there.

[254] Right.

[255] You can't make as many mistakes.

[256] Yeah.

[257] I mean, Cain Velasquez is great, right?

[258] We know how great he is.

[259] Now, he has to fight Junior Santos.

[260] And Santos can hit.

[261] So somebody's going to catch somebody in that fight.

[262] And it doesn't necessarily mean it's the better fighter.

[263] It might mean that you just got caught.

[264] Or your game plan was a little too hasty.

[265] Yeah.

[266] You've got to be very careful.

[267] You saw the Czech -Congo -Pat Barry fight.

[268] Yes, I did.

[269] Which is the craziest ending in any fight ever.

[270] I mean, that's a perfect example of why you have to be so careful.

[271] mma it's unbelievable and pat barry is explosive oh my god and he went after him man he decided that he was getting criticized for his fights and he was kind of boring and people were saying he doesn't you know take enough chances well he showed why he doesn't take enough chances because look when you take chances you can get knocked the fuck out yeah and he was a fight it was a fight he was winning easily if he just fought at a disciplined pace that probably would have never happened right and that's experience yeah right yes experience but it's also he chose to fight in an exciting style on purpose he wanted to throw caution to the the wind and just go, you know, kill or die, kill or be killed.

[272] And I think he, he did that.

[273] He did exactly what he wanted to do.

[274] But some guys never do that.

[275] By the way, Shea Kongo taking those shots.

[276] God damn.

[277] I've never seen a body like that.

[278] It's the most ridiculous thing.

[279] He's a superhero.

[280] He's a transformer.

[281] He's a superhero.

[282] He's an extreme mesomorph.

[283] That's what that guy is.

[284] That's exactly what he is.

[285] He's just super muscular, like perfect athletic frame.

[286] He's not the best heavyweight athlete, though, which is weird.

[287] I mean, Cain Velasquez is a way better heavyweight athlete, which is weird because if you saw the two of them together, I mean, the average person looks at Chet.

[288] Congo and Cain Velasquez.

[289] Get the fuck out of here.

[290] That black guy's going to kill him.

[291] That's like wrestling.

[292] You roll in jiu -jitsu and some guy comes in and he's got this beautiful body.

[293] You can move him and manipulate him.

[294] Then a guy shows up and he looks like a plumber with a bit of a belly and he's just immovable.

[295] I think it's how your body's balanced.

[296] Congo is always dangerous to anybody because he's got some pop in those hands, dude.

[297] He's the only guy to really hurt Velasquez too.

[298] He's tough as shit.

[299] He went three full rounds with Cain and Cain beat the fuck out of him in that fight.

[300] He's obviously durable because Kongo caught him with some big punches.

[301] Mir put him to sleep, but Mir got him in a guillotine.

[302] Mir's guillotine is nasty.

[303] And he did it so perfect.

[304] If you watch the way he locked it up, he cinches it up.

[305] He blocks off the neck with his left arm and squeezing with his right.

[306] Mir is one of those guys, man. If he catches you, especially in the early part of the fight where he's not even a little bit tired and you give up an arm or a choke or something like that, he's going to break your neck, man. I can't wait to see my boy Mayhem Miller, who's my become a good friend.

[307] I just love that guy.

[308] I want to see him fight Michael Bisping.

[309] It's going to be great.

[310] I love Mayhem.

[311] I just love watching him.

[312] I love his whole attitude.

[313] I love he never stops moving.

[314] He will never stop moving.

[315] I wish people could see what he did.

[316] But I was in Vegas.

[317] We were laughing and talking.

[318] He kept moving around.

[319] We're joking around.

[320] And then finally, he got so excited.

[321] He walked out in the hallway and he went.

[322] Nobody was watching.

[323] He just kind of punched the air and ran down the hallway for no reason.

[324] I was like, he just spazzed out the hallway.

[325] I was so excited.

[326] Then he came back in.

[327] He beats up air.

[328] Well, he knows.

[329] He's got some extra energy.

[330] He's got to get rid of it.

[331] Smart guy, by the way.

[332] Yeah, he's supposed to be doing what he's doing.

[333] You know what's crazy is you can look at him and see that guy.

[334] I'm not going to fight that guy.

[335] That guy's scary.

[336] But last night, Jake was in the audience at one of your shows.

[337] What's his name?

[338] Jake, right?

[339] Jake Ellenberg.

[340] Yeah, yeah.

[341] And he sat in my seat, and I'm like, who's this guy sitting in my seat?

[342] I'm walking up, and I look at his ears.

[343] I'm like, I'm out of here.

[344] Jake was there.

[345] Jake was there.

[346] He came to my show in Vegas with Mayhem.

[347] Jake Ellenberg's got a fire hydrant on his shoulders.

[348] It's like, dang.

[349] He looks like somebody took clay, and they were a bad sculptor.

[350] They chipped out his head.

[351] Nah, this is good enough.

[352] That dude's a tank, and he's scary as fuck.

[353] He's going to fight Jake Shields.

[354] That's going to be a very interesting fight.

[355] He's a very good striker.

[356] Yes.

[357] I think he's a better striker than Jake.

[358] Oh, he's a lot better striker than Shields.

[359] But Shields has got some wicked takedowns and his top jiu -jitsu.

[360] If he gets on top of you, you're fucked.

[361] Jake Shields is one of the best in the world at finishing guys in MMA and jiu -jitsu.

[362] His jiu -jitsu is real simple.

[363] He's always used no gi.

[364] He's not a gi guy, so he doesn't have any gi habits at all.

[365] If he gets on top of you, He's a wrestler, so he's got awesome positioning and control, and he's strong as fuck.

[366] And he'll squeeze off arm triangles on you all day.

[367] If he catches you...

[368] If Jake Shields gets on top of you and he gets you in a bad position, you're fucked, man, because it's like a level.

[369] It's a really high, high level of jiu -jitsu that that guy brings.

[370] If he gets you in a checkmate position, the odds are that you're going to squirm out of it.

[371] Like, look, he got Paul Daly in Elite XC.

[372] In Elite XC, they were fucking him.

[373] The fight goes to the ground for more than 15 seconds.

[374] They stand you up.

[375] Like, literally, they told the referees to stand fights up, even if they're active.

[376] Like, Roy Nelson got stood up when he was in fucking side control working on a Kimura and Andre Arlovsky.

[377] and they stood him up.

[378] It was completely ridiculous.

[379] Well, Jake Shields' jiu -jitsu is so tight, he caught Paul Daly with an arm bar even under those rules.

[380] He doesn't need much time, dude.

[381] He gets a guy like Daly on the ground.

[382] He's like, give me that.

[383] Crazy.

[384] It's just that high -level stuff.

[385] It's nuts.

[386] But he's got to get it to the ground.

[387] That's where Ellenberger throws bombs.

[388] And if you can defend the takedown, that's a huge part of it.

[389] And Ellenberger moves good on his feet, too.

[390] That's the other thing.

[391] He's not a dude who just stands there like a robot.

[392] There's some guys who just kind of wade in.

[393] He moves.

[394] He moves on his feet.

[395] He moves on his toes.

[396] That's a tough fight.

[397] That's an excellent fight.

[398] What's your call on the Bisping Miller fight?

[399] I can't wait to see the series because the series is going to be hilarious because Mayhem is...

[400] He's never going to stop fucking with him.

[401] He's so funny.

[402] And I've already heard some shit that's gone down.

[403] I can't divulge any information and give you any previews, but there's already been some crazy shit going down, and Mayhem is having a blast.

[404] He's a true entertainer.

[405] He loves it, too.

[406] I'm around comics all the time.

[407] That dude's hilarious.

[408] He's a true personality.

[409] He's got bigger -than -life personality.

[410] He's so entertaining.

[411] I love hanging out with the guy because it's just always fun.

[412] You want to get some insight into him, read his articles.

[413] He's smart.

[414] Yeah.

[415] He's a good writer, man. He's a good writer.

[416] I have no doubt.

[417] He's a really smart guy.

[418] You look at him, he's got dyed hair.

[419] He's like, hey, hey, hey.

[420] Smart.

[421] Very smart.

[422] He's got a great take on things and a very thought -out take on things.

[423] And if you read his blogs, he's very proud of them.

[424] He's a very good writer.

[425] And he could fucking easily write a book, and it would be a great book.

[426] Because there's a guy who's lived some crazy shit.

[427] Well, my buddy Anthony Tambakis, who's a novelist, actually was talking to him about his novel.

[428] He said, you should write a book.

[429] I think he's going to call it total mayhem or something.

[430] This is great.

[431] Yeah.

[432] Why not?

[433] Just tell his story, man. His fucking stories of getting in fights with his dad and just growing up, getting in fights on his block.

[434] Well, I said the first time I met him, we were in Vegas and I walked up and I said, dude, you know, I got to just be honest in a t -shirt.

[435] You don't look that tough.

[436] I mean, besides the nose and the ears, but you look at his back and he's a big guy, but it's kind of lanky.

[437] I mean, if you, if he said I'm a, I'm a tennis pro, I'd be like, that makes sense.

[438] You're a tennis pro.

[439] You're not, he doesn't look like an MMA fighter.

[440] He's not like a, like, like Jake, you look at his ears and his neck.

[441] Like, wow.

[442] But mayhem from behind looks somewhat slender.

[443] This is a gay conversation.

[444] Yeah, exactly.

[445] This is how stoned I am.

[446] I've been listening to you guys like as if you guys were all gay guys, like talking about other guys.

[447] You're talking so much louder than everybody else.

[448] But in the steam of the shower, what I'm trying to say is that he tends to, just the way the water rivlets off his body.

[449] A man is holding me down.

[450] I can't believe you're butt fucking me. This is so weird.

[451] I can't believe you've got that kind of top game.

[452] Just don't smile at me because then it makes it really gay.

[453] For the last five minutes, I've been thinking about that.

[454] And you're like, you know, like you said, beautiful body.

[455] You said you should see his, if he gets a hold of you on top, you know, you're like, you just replay the whole thing, what you're saying and act like you were talking about other guys, like gossiping.

[456] It's one of the funniest things.

[457] And by the way, you're probably right.

[458] Psychiatrists have a field day.

[459] First of all, you know what?

[460] All psychiatrists would have a field day.

[461] field day talking about jiu -jitsu.

[462] It seems so good.

[463] Two guys in their 40s.

[464] Yeah, two guys in their 40s passionately talking about fighting.

[465] One guy has a very, very manly beard.

[466] The other one just shaved his off and he's got a backwards baseball hat and he's pushing 50.

[467] Cut to us in hour one.

[468] No shirts.

[469] No shirts.

[470] I'm hot.

[471] I'm not going to wear these pants.

[472] I got this new lotion I'm using on my chest.

[473] I don't know if it's the right choice.

[474] Let me see.

[475] How does it feel like flowers, bro?

[476] Man, you feel as slippery as a slide.

[477] I finally found the secret of listening to MMA talk.

[478] Now I will not have eyes glazed over anymore.

[479] I'll be giggling like a motherfucker.

[480] Pretend it's talking about gay sex.

[481] Cuts me wearing a bandana for no reason.

[482] A lot of people still don't know that Brian was the one.

[483] I had a thing called Getting Pumped that Howard Stern used to play a bunch of times.

[484] It was on my first CD, I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday.

[485] And it's me and this other dude working out in a basement.

[486] It's me and Brian.

[487] Fuck, that was fun.

[488] And Kelly Kirsten.

[489] Kelly Kirsten played my mom.

[490] I remember when we laid that down.

[491] Yeah, that was fun, dude.

[492] dude.

[493] That was very fun.

[494] Anyway, if you ever meet Mayhem, ask him to tell you the story about when he was in Florida and he ended up ninja -ing like six guys because he was dancing with a girl and the guy's like, are you trying to disrespect me?

[495] He was like, nah, I'm not disrespecting.

[496] The guy's like, and he throws a punch and Mayhem basically goes, hey, get it with an elbow.

[497] Get it, knocks him out.

[498] He goes, I gotta get out of here.

[499] He goes out there and like six guys come out.

[500] He's like, uh -oh, here it goes.

[501] They had no idea what they were getting into.

[502] It's like a bunch of, you know, coyotes coming in on a pit bull or something and they're like, ah, let's get him.

[503] He's like, knock you out.

[504] There was a pile of bodies around him.

[505] Wow.

[506] Yeah, I mean, you want to fight him?

[507] You've thrown a couple punches in your life?

[508] You took some karate in high school?

[509] Go have fun.

[510] Have fun with Mayhem Miller.

[511] Well, what people don't understand the difference between a professional fighter and a regular human being is this is something they're doing every day, all day, for hours.

[512] And Mayhem doesn't take time off.

[513] He doesn't get fat.

[514] If Mayhem doesn't have a fight going on, he's still training.

[515] He's still doing jiu -jitsu.

[516] He's still doing his boxing.

[517] He's still doing everything.

[518] It's literally like trying to have an argument with a guy, and all you have is a book on the language, and he's fluent.

[519] in it.

[520] So he's going to tie you in knots.

[521] That's exactly what it is.

[522] That's what it's like.

[523] It's like fighting is like a language.

[524] And everybody's like, hey, you got a fucking haymaker, bro.

[525] Let me tell you something about this hay.

[526] He sees it coming before you do it.

[527] A mile away, he's going to kick your knees out from you.

[528] And giggle while he's doing it.

[529] And laugh.

[530] And then you're going to realize he doesn't get tired because he's fucking doing it for six hours a day.

[531] I remember getting drunk with Eve Edwards and Nate Marquardt.

[532] We were shooting this movie in Pittsburgh and Eve started just practicing.

[533] This is Warrior, right?

[534] This comes out in September?

[535] Yeah.

[536] And it's been testing through the roof.

[537] This is where you play me. I play you.

[538] Remember I called you and I said, I'm playing you in a movie.

[539] I called you.

[540] I go, I'm playing you in a movie.

[541] Can you give me some advice?

[542] He goes, I just try to take myself completely out of the equation.

[543] And that really helped.

[544] I just would call the fights.

[545] But they wrote some funny stuff for me. I'm a smart ass, you know, in the movie.

[546] Nice.

[547] Nice.

[548] It was a good time.

[549] But I remember rolling around.

[550] What is your name in the movie?

[551] Brian Callen.

[552] Is it really?

[553] Yes.

[554] That's beautiful.

[555] Brian Callen.

[556] Perfect.

[557] Yeah.

[558] I don't know why more actors just don't do that.

[559] No, because.

[560] The way I got the part is I put the writer and the director together.

[561] Imagine that.

[562] Tom Hanks stars as Tom Hanks, a knight.

[563] They should do that.

[564] Danny DeVito as Danny DeVito.

[565] A short twin of Arnold Schwarzenegger, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[566] Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[567] Do you think Schwarzenegger is ever going to bounce back?

[568] Do you think anybody will ever take the guy seriously again?

[569] I don't think so.

[570] Mainly because it depends on how he reacts to it.

[571] But if you're older now, first of all, nobody wants to see him as an action hero.

[572] Number two, you know, look, I understand infidelity.

[573] I can understand as a man, you may stray.

[574] Let's all be respectful.

[575] Let's all be forgiving, etc. Not that I've ever had thoughts like that.

[576] But the point is that if you're going to funk the housekeeper, first of all, that's outrageous.

[577] But I'll give it to you.

[578] I don't know.

[579] Maybe she had big heads.

[580] She was ovulating.

[581] She smelled like something.

[582] You were bored.

[583] I get it.

[584] You're the king of the world.

[585] How about pulling out or wearing a condom?

[586] I don't know.

[587] How about not giving her a baby?

[588] I think the whole thing is the wild thing.

[589] The whole thing of doing it is you're not even supposed to be doing this.

[590] And she's sucking your raw cock.

[591] And you just look at that fucking housekeeper pussy.

[592] This is my house.

[593] I fuck everybody in my house.

[594] And you just think about it.

[595] Should I pull out?

[596] Conan doesn't pull out.

[597] Shoot a load into where like Conan should.

[598] Yeah.

[599] When you're the king of the world, why not?

[600] He's the king of his world, man. The guy's living in this $20 million mansion.

[601] Apparently, right after this happened, they put the house up for sale.

[602] And it wasn't, hey, he didn't own it.

[603] He sold it to someone else.

[604] But this is the house where all the affairs took place.

[605] And he sold it to like some professional golfer or something like that.

[606] And that guy put it up right away.

[607] Wow.

[608] And he might have put it up right away because people started hassling him.

[609] Yeah.

[610] Overwhelming stench that drives spooge everywhere.

[611] Hey, wait, this house smells like cum.

[612] And infidelity.

[613] This is weird.

[614] You hear it echoing in the walls like a mass murder in a haunted building.

[615] That building's haunted with him coming.

[616] Coming all the time.

[617] Coming.

[618] I'm coming.

[619] I'm coming.

[620] And he fucked her for 10 years, man. He did?

[621] He was fucking her for 10 years.

[622] You were so excited.

[623] I thought it was a one -off.

[624] Oh, no, no, no. Oh, my God.

[625] No, no. He was banging her in the bed.

[626] That's outrageous.

[627] He was banging her in the bathroom.

[628] He was banging her everywhere.

[629] think of it as a tool for masturbation type thing like like she was just like a fleshlight okay you obviously have a problem with women yeah what are you talking about dude that's a human being yeah but it's also his maid so he kind of thinks of it as a tool she actually has a face that looks a little bit like mayhem miller's and i'm not attracted to that but uh i guess he is she was a big who knows what she looked like when she was younger i think he could make a comeback if he does a movie like cop land i don't know if you remember what she looks like i don't mean to make fun of she looks like the mexican female version of krs1 What?

[630] Listen, she has a daughter.

[631] That's all.

[632] She's a pretty lady.

[633] That's what I'm saying.

[634] I'm a big Harris One fan.

[635] That's the son of the police.

[636] Good for her, man. She was doing what she was.

[637] No woman can say no to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[638] He's in the house.

[639] My cock is out.

[640] Did you ever see Copland, though?

[641] That was kind of a weird movie for Sylvester Stallone, where it was kind of like he played a little chubby.

[642] I think if Arnold does a movie like that, where he plays a character that's kind of down on his luck, coming back, kind of like a dirty cop.

[643] or something like that.

[644] I think he could do it.

[645] There's a stench of failure.

[646] I want to see a good actor do that.

[647] I don't know how good an actor he is.

[648] I don't go to the movies to see Arnold Schwarzenegger do dramatic acting.

[649] But you also thought that as Sylvester Stallone when he did copy.

[650] No, no, no, no, no, because Sylvester Stallone did Rocky.

[651] Okay, you got to remember, he did some shitty ass movies, but Sylvester Stallone did fucking Rocky.

[652] Wrote and acted in it.

[653] It was one of the best movies ever.

[654] And hung in there because they wanted to give that movie to someone else.

[655] They wanted to give that movie to some other stars.

[656] And he said, No, this is my movie.

[657] And when he wrote this and did this, in the end of the movie, he doesn't even win.

[658] That's what a lot of people don't even realize.

[659] He loses in that movie.

[660] It was inspired by a losing performance by Chuck Wepner when Chuck Wepner fought Muhammad Ali.

[661] So he wrote all this shit out, did it himself, and acted his fucking ass off.

[662] He became a goof kind of later, and I love him.

[663] When I say a goof, I'm saying a guy who does these big, crazy, cartoonish movies.

[664] Don't forget how great those movies were.

[665] When you were a young man and I saw First Blood, it was one of the best movies I'd ever seen.

[666] I loved it.

[667] It was great for who you were at the time and at the time it came out, you know, being 14 or whatever.

[668] But...

[669] Rocky's still a badass fucking movie.

[670] Yeah, but I mean, if you take away the fighting, I haven't seen Rocky maybe 10 years.

[671] Oh, the fighting is not good.

[672] No, I know, but is the acting actually good?

[673] It's unbelievable.

[674] I actually just watched it three days ago.

[675] Yeah.

[676] And I'll tell you something right now.

[677] That movie holds the test of time.

[678] It is still one of the great movies.

[679] And one of the most moving movies.

[680] When he's down, he's going, stay down, Rock.

[681] Remember Burgess Meredith?

[682] When he comes, that actor who comes, and he says, I want to be a manager, Rock.

[683] 76 years old.

[684] Oh, yeah.

[685] I want to be a man. It stinks.

[686] You know, it's my place.

[687] And he does that whole thing.

[688] Then he comes running out.

[689] Oh, brilliant, bro.

[690] It was such a beautiful.

[691] It was brilliant.

[692] It was one of the greatest character pieces ever written, in my opinion.

[693] Yeah.

[694] When he's angry and he's like, this is all he's got in his house and Bert's around there and he's yelling and screaming.

[695] That was so fucking real.

[696] And then he was so moving when he looks at Adrian and he goes, remember when I said that stuff they said about me on TV didn't hurt?

[697] It did.

[698] And he walks away.

[699] Your heart breaks for him, man. Yeah, it's like when he gets his shit together and got up and starts drinking raw eggs, you're fucking, you start moving in your seat and you get goosebumps.

[700] A lot of people credit that movie.

[701] Jesus, I've got to watch this movie again, I guess.

[702] A lot of people credit that movie for ushering in the fitness craze in America that happened shortly after that.

[703] Dude, I was, whatever I was when it came out, 11 or something like that, I drank raw eggs and ran around my block.

[704] Damn right you did.

[705] I almost threw up.

[706] I remember doing that too, but I just don't remember the acting of him.

[707] Dude, he was a bad motherfucker.

[708] It's a weird thing.

[709] It's like, how does a guy, I guess he just gives up on good movies and says, let's just make something crazy and explode and have a good time.

[710] Let's have a good time, everybody.

[711] Yeah, that might be it.

[712] But I also think what happens is, like with Arnold or anybody, when you surround yourself, and it's almost impossible to avoid, when you surround yourself with an army of people that make their living off you, what happens, I think, is that, like anything, a politician who's been in power too long, you lose self -awareness because everybody's telling you.

[713] You're perfect.

[714] You're great.

[715] They laugh at your jokes and everything.

[716] You're the emperor.

[717] And I think that the biggest trapping of that kind of fame is that you start to drink the Kool -Aid.

[718] Right.

[719] And you lose perspective.

[720] You lose self -awareness.

[721] You keep playing the same note over and over again because people keep telling you it's great.

[722] And instead of like actually putting yourself back in the real arena, which is competing with what's really going on and having people really give you real critiques.

[723] You know, I was in an acting club.

[724] class and Burt Reynolds showed up and he did some scenes in class.

[725] And I thought to myself, Burt Reynolds at 70, whatever, is still not only doing scenes in class, but kind of failing in front of people and having a teacher critique his performance.

[726] And was he getting a lot of white pussy because of this young white actress?

[727] I didn't see that, but that's probably why anybody would be in an acting class, by the way.

[728] Was he Burt Reynolds from Boogie Nights?

[729] He was so good and so hilarious.

[730] You know, he did a scene from Carnal Knowledge with Catherine Bell.

[731] Anyway, but...

[732] Well, he's another guy, right?

[733] Go back to Deliverance.

[734] Burt Reynolds was a bad motherfucker.

[735] Yes, he was.

[736] He was a bad motherfucker.

[737] And then he got vain.

[738] And then he got weird.

[739] You start wearing a wig and you get plastic surgery.

[740] I don't think so.

[741] Still, though, dude, those fucking...

[742] There's something about him in those Smokey and the Bandit movies where you really wanted him to succeed.

[743] He was a great movie star, man. Yeah.

[744] Dude, he was a good -looking guy who was always happy.

[745] He always had a smile on his face.

[746] He had a silly mustache.

[747] And he was always getting the girl...

[748] and you wanted him to.

[749] He was a fucking man. You wanted him to get away from the law.

[750] He was a man's man. Yeah.

[751] And by the way, he made a fucking mustache work.

[752] He fucking rocked that mustache, son.

[753] I grew a mustache.

[754] I did this thing for a Californication.

[755] I had a mustache.

[756] I look like I should work in a deli.

[757] Yeah.

[758] That's as sexy as I get.

[759] Like, I should be making sandwiches.

[760] He looks like a fucking, you know, a leading man. I look like an ape.

[761] Very hard to pull off a mustache.

[762] I go human.

[763] This is why I got human here.

[764] And then I go to ape.

[765] And then I shave it down to human.

[766] I went with a mustache once.

[767] Just a goof.

[768] And Mrs. Rogan was like, what the fuck is that on your face?

[769] Terrible, right?

[770] He looked like a caterpillar.

[771] Yeah.

[772] Like a big, fat, thick bug.

[773] I look like an aggressive gay man who makes sandwiches.

[774] I fuck guys and I make sandwiches in my deli.

[775] You know who works on?

[776] Brian Jarvis.

[777] You know that comedian Brian Jarvis at all?

[778] Brian Jarvis has a Tom Selleck mustache.

[779] And if you know his comedy and you know his face, it's just perfect.

[780] When you say aggressive gay man, for a while, I never knew that crystal meth was so popular in the gay community.

[781] I had no idea that meth and amphetamines and speed and amyl nitrates and a bunch of like really crazy chemicals were so prevalent in the gay community.

[782] So I would occasionally run into dudes that were gay, especially around West Hollywood near the comedy store that had this.

[783] crazy fucking look in their eye.

[784] They were like really obviously gay.

[785] I didn't know they were hopped up on drugs.

[786] So...

[787] In my silly 25 -year -old just -moving -to -L

[788].A.