When Your Kids & Spouse Don’t Do What You Ask/Respect You

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[22] Do you have a hard time being assertive about your own needs?

[23] Do you sometimes feel like you do everything for everybody else but nothing for yourself.

[24] And when you are assertive and speak up, what happens when your spouse or your kids don't listen to you?

[25] What do you do about that?

[26] That's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[27] Welcome.

[28] This is Kirk Martin.

[29] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[30] Glad you are here.

[31] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[32] If you need help with anything, email us.

[33] My son, you're going to talk to our strong -willed son, Casey.

[34] His name, you can spell it, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[35] Tell us your family, what you're struggling with.

[36] We gather together as a family, we discuss it.

[37] We give you ideas and some strategies, some tips, some things to try.

[38] If you're interested in our resources, we can put together a custom package within your budget to help you.

[39] So family mission, it's what we do.

[40] So this is a bonus podcast because we got a lot of questions about this and I wanted to address some things that don't really have to do with your kids and everything to do with us.

[41] And if you've listened to us, you know that the large your goal and everything we do is not just to change your child's behavior, but to break generational patterns and the stuff that we inherited from our parents, because it carries into our marriage and into our family life, and it either replicates down the ages in negative ways, or you take back some control and you break the generational patterns and create a new family tree.

[42] The generational one of them that I got from my dad was fear and intimidation, yell and scream.

[43] that's how my dad controlled his four sons and so when each of his sons grew up and had kids guess what we all did same thing the greatest gift i have given my son that strong -willed son casey that you hear about is breaking that pattern so that when he gets married and has kids he won't repeat the same pattern this is a beautiful gift you can give your kids i've mentioned before in fact that i'm 54 and in hotel rooms and even at home sometimes in the middle the night when I get up to use the bathroom, I'm super quiet and I kind of tiptoe.

[44] And once Casey said, like, Dad, you're like a ghost in the middle of the night.

[45] And I didn't think anything about it until I realized when I was a little boy, we had creaky floorboards.

[46] And if I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I hit the wrong floorboard and it made a noise and woke my dad up, he would yell.

[47] And when you're a little boy, you don't like it when your dad yells at you.

[48] So here we are, 50 years later, it's still affecting me. Now, that's not a big deal.

[49] But where it does affect is if you grow up and you never learn how to speak up for yourself and you put everybody ahead of yourself and you don't take yourself seriously and you don't think that you're worthy of help, right?

[50] All these things actually do affect us.

[51] So one of mine was being too cautious.

[52] See, I hid and I didn't learn to speak up because I had.

[53] a father that I was afraid of, and I had two older brothers who took a lot of heat and wrath from my dad.

[54] So what did I learn to do?

[55] I learned to hide, right?

[56] But that doesn't work when you're a grown -up and you enter into grown -up relationships.

[57] And so why this came up is I'm mentoring another guy, and we're doing a lot of mentoring now because I can't travel.

[58] And so this is a grown man who's highly accomplished, but he says, he's like, I'm too cautious.

[59] I'm overly responsible for everybody else.

[60] And so what I'm working on him is realizing, and this has helped me actually.

[61] I know this is going to sound goofy.

[62] Make fun of it all you want.

[63] It doesn't matter.

[64] I only care about what works.

[65] And so sometimes I like to write things down and actually phrase them a certain way.

[66] And so what I've come up with with this gentleman, even with myself, was here's the narrative.

[67] When I was a little boy, I was cautious.

[68] I was and that was smart.

[69] It served me well.

[70] And when you struggle with things, always ask the question, how is this serving me?

[71] By doing everything myself, how does that actually serve me?

[72] Right?

[73] We end up getting resentful over it, but it serves you because now you have control, right?

[74] All those things that trip us up, it does serve us somehow.

[75] And what I wanted this gentleman, you to know and me to know, is we don't have to beat ourselves up for that.

[76] That was smart.

[77] When I was a little boy and I hid from my dad, that was brilliant.

[78] But I'm not a little boy anymore.

[79] And I don't have to fear that.

[80] And so I don't have to keep replicating that.

[81] Right.

[82] So for this gentleman, it was avoiding his mother's wrath.

[83] So now he gets to say, I'm no longer a little boy.

[84] I'm an intelligent, highly competent man. No one's angry at me. I have no one to fear.

[85] I can be myself and relax.

[86] And when you start saying that to yourself inside so you start to believe it, you start to act differently, right?

[87] And here's another one we went through with another person with a good mom.

[88] In the past, I have given other people the benefit of the doubt, but not myself.

[89] I have felt like I wasn't worthy of being accepted or liked as I am.

[90] From now on, I'm going to give myself the benefit of the doubt.

[91] That will take a long time.

[92] that takes time to retrain you because we've been doing have this for 50 years you may have grown up being overly responsible for your siblings how many have you had that happen well guess what happens when when you do that you take that right into your home life and now you're all too responsible for everyone and everything and you think it's your job to make everybody happy and at the holidays you are going to exhaust yourself and making sure everything is just so and you may grow up and become a nurse being in the medical field, become a social worker.

[93] Because guess what they do?

[94] They're overly responsible for everybody else.

[95] And you will notice, no offense to the nurses out there who are doing awesome work, love you nurses.

[96] But people that are nurses, social workers, tend to be really awesome at taking care of other people, but really terrible at taking care of themselves.

[97] Right?

[98] it was a great trait that served you well as a child.

[99] You helped the family run more smoothly because you had perhaps a mother or father who was checked out or an alcoholic, and that was helpful and necessary.

[100] Look, if you grew up with a parent that was an alcoholic, it's very, very likely that you ended up marrying someone who struggles in a similar way.

[101] Why?

[102] Because that was familiar to you.

[103] You grew up knowing it was comfortable.

[104] I know how how to manage my mother or father who struggles with this and then you meet the love of your life who wasn't really the love of your life necessarily but it was someone that you felt comfortable with because you knew his patterns because you'd spent 20, 25 or 30 years doing the same thing for your own mother or father and that's your comfort zone.

[105] I take care of everybody else and I develop a little bit of a hero complex in me of like I'm so good at that and it feeds me. It serves me well, but it's not good when you want to have a two -way relationship because that's a one -way relationship and eventually you will grow resentful because that other person isn't sowing into you and doing things for you, right?

[106] It was helpful and necessary, but you're no longer responsible to be everyone else's caretaker.

[107] You get to take care of yourself now.

[108] So what are we going to do?

[109] We're going to practice being assertive.

[110] When people ask you what you want, some of you reflexively say, oh, nothing, I'm fine.

[111] I get that at live events.

[112] By the way, we're booking live events again.

[113] So for schools, for churches, for synagogues, mosque, foster care conferences, we can do it by we can do it live.

[114] Just email Casey.

[115] The live events are spectacular.

[116] They are wonderful.

[117] There's so much energy there.

[118] And we get to such deep stuff.

[119] It's cool.

[120] So reach out to us.

[121] We'd love to come see you.

[122] And we want to get out of our house as well.

[123] So, right?

[124] We all want to get back on the road and interact with people.

[125] So I hear it at live events where I'll do, I'll do my workshop and then people come up afterwards and ask questions.

[126] And invariably, probably about 40 % of the moms will come and say, well, I don't want to bother you.

[127] I know you're tired.

[128] I know it.

[129] Right?

[130] I don't want to take your time.

[131] And then I see it.

[132] And then it's right there.

[133] It's like, oh, you, I just told you, I'm here to help you.

[134] I have time.

[135] Right.

[136] And the first thing you do is apologize for bothering me. Right.

[137] What is it in there that makes you feel like you're bothering other people, right?

[138] When your spouse or your kids or someone volunteers to help your plan, no, oh, no, I can get it.

[139] I'll get it myself.

[140] And I need you, want you, I don't need it, you need it.

[141] Stop it.

[142] Tell people exactly what you want.

[143] And this is going to be a little bit harsh here, but just hear this.

[144] If you don't care enough about yourself to let other people know what you want and what you need, why should anybody else care about you?

[145] Right?

[146] If you don't care enough about yourself to tell other people what you want and need, why would they care about you?

[147] Right?

[148] Do you feel unworthy of people serving you?

[149] We're afraid that your needs will be ignored.

[150] I get that and we'll take action to break those patterns.

[151] But let's practice being assertive in everyday situations.

[152] Ask a waiter for something that isn't on the menu.

[153] Try it.

[154] I did that in order to break this pattern in the early days.

[155] I did that to get over.

[156] Hey, I don't want to bother you.

[157] Ask the grocery store manager to check in the back for an item that's not on the shelf.

[158] Stop thinking you're bothering other people.

[159] The next time your spouse ask where you want to go for dinner, speak up boldly.

[160] Don't say, well, I don't care.

[161] Because you do care about it, because later, when you didn't go to the restaurant you wanted to go to, then you complained about it to your girlfriends or your sister, right?

[162] So instead just say, I'm really in the mood for Italian tonight.

[163] Why don't we go to Giovanni's?

[164] Good.

[165] Be specific.

[166] Instead of just saying, I could really use some help around here.

[167] You've got to let your kids, your spouse know the three specific chores.

[168] that need to be done.

[169] Other people don't know what you need unless you tell them.

[170] It's a big one when we get into the marriage thing.

[171] We just tell, honey, I just need some help around here.

[172] Well, I'm a man. You know what that means to me?

[173] You want me to come home and yell at the kids, right?

[174] That's what it sounds like to me. But if my wife says, honey, we've got three children.

[175] When you get home at the end of the day, I need about six and a half minutes of alone time or you are going to see me on the evening news.

[176] What I know is, my wife needs a little bit of a long time.

[177] She's been with the kids all afternoon.

[178] So what's my job?

[179] I come home.

[180] I grab some loose change out of the car.

[181] I whip open the front door and yell, Treasure hunt, and I throw some coins out in the front or backyard because little kids love treasure hunts.

[182] And now little kids are out on their hands and knees in the grass looking for coins, and my wife just double -locked the front door, and she can have her six and a half minutes, and maybe I'll even give her 10 minutes of alone time, right?

[183] and it works both ways.

[184] There are a lot of men that are working from home and wife outside to home.

[185] It doesn't matter.

[186] You have to speak up for yourself so that people know what they need.

[187] People will respect your needs when you respect yourself.

[188] We'll get to that in a couple minutes.

[189] Likewise, when other people offer to help you don't refuse because you don't want to bother them.

[190] What you're really saying is, I don't deserve people doing nice things for me. See, that's a really ugly pattern of thinking.

[191] And I'm not blaming you.

[192] You learned that when you were a little kid.

[193] That was just inculcated in you for decades, but we get to change it now.

[194] Instead, respond graciously.

[195] That would mean a lot to me if you would do that for me. Thank you.

[196] See, now you're going to make someone else's day because they wanted to help you.

[197] Let me use a little guilt on you, moms, because moms don't like you to ask for help.

[198] You have senior citizens all over your community.

[199] There are people who are retired.

[200] Many of a retired teachers.

[201] they've got kids who are grown and they miss having kids around.

[202] If you have a strong -willed child, if you're doing homeschooling, find someone a neighbor and say, hey, my son really struggles a little bit in school, but I know you're really good at math and you're really patient.

[203] Would you mind if you came and did a little schoolwork at your house a couple days a week?

[204] I guarantee you that lady she would love to do that or that gentleman down the street.

[205] Just make sure they're safe.

[206] Usually old people are.

[207] They would love to help.

[208] You are making their day because what do they do all day?

[209] They sit around and look at each other, waiting for Jeopardy to come on at night.

[210] And now you just introduce to them the ability to help someone else and be around a kid and make cookies for them and love on this other child.

[211] And it helped you, right?

[212] Or you're going to run in to find someone else who has the same negative pattern you have and they just like helping other people.

[213] We'll just take advantage of them instead of everybody taking advantage of you.

[214] I'm kind of kidding with that, but that's just how it works, right?

[215] Find those people.

[216] use them.

[217] You don't use them.

[218] Look, it's a gift.

[219] If you don't allow other people to help you, you are robbing those people of the joy that comes from giving to you.

[220] Right?

[221] So let's let them do it.

[222] So because we don't properly take care of ourselves and don't know how to be assertive, all of these secret thoughts and feelings build up over time until they become overwhelming.

[223] And you build up, if you're in marriage, I guarantee you, You've got a list a mile long of all the little resentments that have happened over time, right?

[224] Because of, and it's not only because of what your spouse has done, no guilt here, but it's because of what you have allowed to happen because you didn't take care of yourself or you didn't speak up.

[225] We're going to get to what happens when you do speak up and your spouse just dismisses you, right?

[226] But let's start to be assertive and take part, take ownership.

[227] I want my husband to come to bed with me at night.

[228] So what can you do to create an environment so he wants to?

[229] I wish my wife would be more intimate with me more often.

[230] It's not all her issue, is it?

[231] What can you do to make yourself more desirable?

[232] Hey, you're from women all the time.

[233] Husband doesn't really take showers or brush his teeth.

[234] Okay, dude, you're gross.

[235] I know why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

[236] You're gross, right?

[237] So sorry, but that's just a reality.

[238] I'm not sorry for that.

[239] If you don't brush your teeth and take shower, you're gross.

[240] and your wife's not going to want to have sex, right?

[241] Do no apology necessary.

[242] I just did you a favor.

[243] Take a shower, brush your teeth, and be a little bit more desirable.

[244] But more so what it is for most spouses is, what burden can you lift from your wife?

[245] Because if she's doing literally everything around the home, physically and emotionally with the kids, she's going to be too exhausted and a little bit resentful.

[246] But when you start calming the kids and de -escalating and taking the pressure off and lifting some of the burden, off of her.

[247] Oh, now she'll have a little bit of energy and she'll feel a little bit better about your relationship.

[248] And then you'll probably be a little bit more intimate, right?

[249] Take ownership of your own part, what you can change.

[250] I can't change my spouse.

[251] I can change myself.

[252] I can't change my child's behavior all the time, but I can change mine.

[253] Right.

[254] Well, I need to feel important to my husband.

[255] Okay, what does that mean?

[256] Because I can tell you what your spouse is thinking.

[257] I hate my job, I don't respect her like my boss, and I'm tired of office politics.

[258] But I do it every single day because I want my wife and kids to live in a good neighborhood.

[259] If I didn't have a family, I can live in a cardboard box and be happy.

[260] So yes, honey, you are important, right?

[261] We have, we all have different ways of defining things.

[262] So thank him for some of those little things he does.

[263] And practice being assertive.

[264] This is really important.

[265] Tell your spouse something specific that he or she can do that would make you feel important.

[266] I've mentioned this a lot of times, especially homeschool conventions and other like, we'll do church conferences where we speak a little bit longer and I'll do a marriage session.

[267] And one of the most important times in our marriage was when my wife came in the living room and I'm always like in football season.

[268] I'm always always on my laptop because I'm kind of always, you know, I own my business.

[269] So there's always kind of some work going on.

[270] And I'll just kind of glance up at her.

[271] And I'd say, uh -huh.

[272] Okay.

[273] Yeah.

[274] right kind of half -heartedly but one day I closed my laptop and I shifted in the seat and I looked at her and she said that's what I'm looking for and my response was why didn't you tell me years ago right I don't know what it means when when my wife says and this is for the wives out there and the husbands we don't know like well I just want to feel valued well here's how you're valued I do all this stuff, right, that hopefully takes the pressure off of you outside the house, maybe, I do all these things.

[275] And that's how I showed you, you were valued, right?

[276] And so, but when you get specific and say, when I walk into the room and you close your laptop and give me undivided attention for 60 seconds, 60 seconds spouses is a long time right now.

[277] I'm not meaning to sound funny, but I'm not into, oh, well, you just, you just need to look each other in the eyes for 20 minutes.

[278] you're not going to do it you can't do it you don't even know what to talk about if you had 20 minutes if you can't talk about the kids it's going to sound awkward um so some crazy weather we've been having lately huh huh right it's but for 60 seconds i guarantee for all the men out here if you walked in the kitchen tonight or the living room and you put your stuff down and your phone down and you looked your wife in the eyes for 60 seconds and you truly listen to her and you engaged, that wife will want you.

[279] Eventually, after you brush your teeth and take a shower, but she will want you.

[280] You will begin to connect, but that's, it takes both of us.

[281] You have to tell me, please, what specifically makes you feel valued.

[282] So a couple of the things on being assertive.

[283] And I know this is a little bit long, but it's a bonus podcast.

[284] And if you don't want to listen, you can just turn it off or listen to me at one and a half speed.

[285] But I'm taking my time on this because it's important.

[286] So being assertive without feeling guilty or sounding nasty.

[287] This is really important.

[288] It's great phrase.

[289] Being bossy is when you tell other people what they need to do or what they're going to do.

[290] Being bossy is telling other people what to do.

[291] Being assertive is when you tell other people what you want to do and what you are going to do.

[292] See, I can't live my whole life trying to get other people to change in telling them what to do.

[293] But I can tell them what I need, what I want, and what I'm going to do.

[294] Why are you afraid to speak up?

[295] Do you feel unworthy?

[296] Right?

[297] Are you afraid that your needs will be ignored?

[298] Because they always have been.

[299] So let's take a couple steps.

[300] Know what you want.

[301] You are responsible for your happiness.

[302] If you don't care enough about yourself to let them know what your needs are and what makes you happy, how are other people going to know what makes you happy?

[303] What do you need?

[304] I need how do you need?

[305] I need help with the kids.

[306] I need time to myself.

[307] I need exercise.

[308] I need a quality conversation with an adult, right?

[309] Moms of toddlers need that.

[310] I need to use my gifts and passions outside the home.

[311] I need to feel like I'm desired.

[312] By the way, that's a big one for men.

[313] More important than you can possibly imagine.

[314] Most affairs don't happen because it's just some physical thing.

[315] Even for men, it is a very emotional thing when they feel desired.

[316] And it works both ways, obviously.

[317] I need to feel like we're a couple.

[318] I need time with friends.

[319] So make it specific.

[320] I'm in a bad mood today.

[321] I don't need you to fix it or make it better.

[322] I need you to simply listen to me, vent, give me a hug, and let me sulk for a bit.

[323] See, if I'm a husband and you tell me, okay, so I don't need to fix it.

[324] No, just need you to listen, to acknowledge that I'm upset, give me a hug, and then just let me be.

[325] Don't try to fix emotions.

[326] Look, I wish I could do three hours, but we do that in the CDs and in the programs, where we go through these things of, and remind someone email me, remind me to do things on stop fixing other people's emotions.

[327] I don't, that's not your job.

[328] If your, if my spouse wants to be in a bad mood for a few hours, then she has every right to be a bad mood.

[329] It's my own immaturity that makes...

[330] Look, it's not virtuous.

[331] Well, honey, I just want to make you happy.

[332] No, it's not.

[333] It's this.

[334] I'm uncomfortable when you're in a bad mood.

[335] So now I want to fix your bad mood.

[336] Not for your sake, but because it makes me uncomfortable.

[337] See how that works?

[338] That's devastating two relationships.

[339] So you're all trying to change your kids' moods all the time.

[340] Why?

[341] Why are your kids not allowed just be in a bad mood?

[342] Why does that irritate you so much?

[343] Can I be honest?

[344] Of course I can't.

[345] It's my podcast.

[346] That's your issue.

[347] It's your immaturity, right?

[348] Relationships change when you can look at that child and say, I'm completely comfortable with your boredom right now.

[349] It's not my job to make you happy.

[350] I am not a circus clown and I'm not your entertainer.

[351] And if you want to choose to be bored, live in your boredom, be bored.

[352] Be bored.

[353] I'm okay with it because it's not my job because I have too much self -respect to think that my job is to walk through life trying to make everybody on this planet happy when I can't even make myself happy and when I do try to make other people happy I actually make them and myself unhappy is that not how it works but son daughter husband wife I believe that you're capable of handling this yourself I believe you're capable of overcoming your boredom and you'll eventually get tired of being bored and you'll come up with something creative because you've got an awesome brain and I can't wait to see what you come up with right that's healthy all these other things are so unhealthy honey when you get home wait just give me a three minute back rub on the sofa here's being assertive honey on Sunday afternoon I'd like to watch two football games I'd love for you to join me but you don't have to I just want to sit and eat a sandwich in front of the TV right like that's that's being assertive that's that's what I want here's one I need downtime when your family visits so after we eat lunch I'm going to spend an hour in the garage just cleaning up by myself so let me know if you need me to do anything before I disappear for an hour see that's better than just disappearing for hours at a time like well you don't like my family it's like no I like your family but I'm an introvert and they're a little bit much and so I need a little bit of time you know mine is hey when your family comes i'm going to make a list of stuff to get at the grocery store and i'm going to go out and get it that way i get to serve you but i also serve myself by giving an hour out at the grocery store by myself right so this is liberating because now as spouses you don't have to guess what each other's each other wants but i need you to practice it practice it with friends speaking up with your own mom and dad oh you want to talk about marriage stuff.

[354] By the way, we've got this New Year's sale going on, and we're including our calm couples marriage program in it for free because it's a big deal.

[355] You want to know a big one that hurts marriages.

[356] When one of the spouses, I'll just pick on the man here, when husband can't say no to his own mommy and daddy, and he puts his own moms and dad's needs ahead of his wife's needs or vice versa, that causes issues, big issues.

[357] Because my, uh, one of, uh, uh, uh, a, uh, husband or wife is afraid to disappoint their own mommy even though you're now 35 or 40 or 50 years old and so you subjectate what is best for your own family and your own marriage because you don't want to incur the wrath of your parents and now it's 40 50 years later that will hurt your marriage and that's why this stuff is so important because we don't talk about any of it it just gets under the surface for years of like oh we can't say no to his mom you know he won't speak up to his dad and they just run rough shot over us and over our kids and he won't speak up and guess what happens because hubby won't speak up to his own mom and dad now he puts his wife in the position of speaking up to the in -laws think that goes well no because now they hate her and now hubby see how that works and if you think that doesn't build resentments over years and that doesn't involve if that doesn't affect your sex life and everything else, it does.

[358] And so we have to do this stuff and speaking up to your child's teachers, to colleagues, right?

[359] And so next week what I'm going to go through in the podcast, and I'm not done yet, I'm going to go through demonstrating self -respect, but I'm going to go through if you want to have a difficult discussion with your spouse.

[360] This is deep stuff.

[361] It's going to take a little while, but I want to do it because it's really hard stuff that most people won't do.

[362] And that's why you bury your resentments because it's easier to just bury it than have that talk and be dismissed or get in a big fight like you do.

[363] So you know what?

[364] When I'm doing a live event, I'll look at the audience.

[365] And I oftentimes say this because it makes people uncomfortable and it's funny at the same time.

[366] But it's also true.

[367] And that's why I say it.

[368] I'll say at times 40 % of you in here.

[369] 40 % of the women in here are already counting down the days till their kids go off to college and then they're out of there.

[370] And you can see people shift in the seats and sometimes hobbies will look at their wife like, is that you?

[371] And most of the time they don't because they kind of know.

[372] But you know what the sad part is?

[373] Nobody talks about it.

[374] Five years go by and eight years and 10 years and 12 years and 14 years go by and 17 years and you never ever said anything and by then it's too late and I don't want it to be too late because it's devastating so demonstrating self -respect and I'll end on this being assertive telling other people what you want demonstrating self -respect is when you tell other people what you are going to do irrespective of what they do.

[375] Great principle here.

[376] I can't tell you what to do, but I can always tell you what I am going to do.

[377] And this is when we begin to take stronger action.

[378] You're going to start speaking up for yourself, but beyond speaking up, you're going to start taking action because strong -willed children and husbands do not respond until you actually do what you said you are going to do.

[379] Right?

[380] and it's going to make your kids, it's going to make your spouse uncomfortable, and that's good.

[381] Now, the first step is to apologize, because integrity demands that you lead and that you own up to your past.

[382] You may have to tell your kids, I apologize.

[383] For the first four, seven, nine, 13, 16 years of your life, I've led you to believe that I would do everything for you and require nothing of you.

[384] And I'm sorry I set that false expectation.

[385] From now on, this is my expectation.

[386] You each have three things that you're responsible for every day, just three.

[387] In return for doing those three things, I run a service, three services, a meal service, a taxi service, and a laundry service.

[388] I fix you food, I take you places, I do your laundry.

[389] If those three tasks of yours do not get completed, I will not fix special meals for you, and I will not take you places.

[390] And then you just have to follow through and do it.

[391] confidently, without a lot of words, without explaining, without rationalizing it.

[392] You don't have to, guys, you know what, after all I do for you, as soon as you go to after all I do for you, it is completely your issue and you need to own that.

[393] That's what you're apologizing for.

[394] Right?

[395] Because after all I do for you, you know what that is?

[396] It was a subtle form of manipulation.

[397] Right?

[398] And your own mother or father does this to you to this day.

[399] it's a form of manipulation because I did so much for you you owe me that's not how you build a relationship right so I want you to take action and when the kids come like you have to take me have soccer practice not happening and I just hold up three fingers three fingers three chores three things need to get done those things don't get done no special meals will I keep food in the house so my children won't starve to death and die Sure, but am I going to go out of my way?

[400] Look, am I going to keep busting my butt?

[401] I will tell you this.

[402] After we, when I stopped traveling so much, and I started, when I'm home, I'm responsible for family meals.

[403] Now I understand how irritating it is when you slave, you shouldn't be slaving over the stove.

[404] If you're hating it, right?

[405] That's your issue.

[406] Mix it up a little bit.

[407] Stop doing everything for everybody else.

[408] Make stuff that you like once in a while.

[409] mess around with some recipes.

[410] But when I'm working hard, because it is hard work sometimes to cook, and I'm putting a lot of effort in to make sure everything comes out at the time, and it's hot, and I put all that effort into making my family a good meal, and then I call people to come to the table, and they don't come right away.

[411] Oh, infuriating.

[412] And so what I let my son know, especially, is you don't come to the table, you're not eating.

[413] I'm going to sit down and eat.

[414] You're not getting left over, and you're not going to heat it up.

[415] This means a lot to me. When I do this, I am doing this as an act of service to you because I love you and also because I love these meatballs I'm making.

[416] I love you.

[417] My expectation is when I call you for dinner, you are there and you're ready to eat because that's a sign of respect.

[418] And if you do not demonstrate respect to me, I will demonstrate self -respect and I will not fix special things for you.

[419] Try me. And the attitude, look, that's different than, you know what?

[420] I do all this stuff for you when you can't, no, demonstrate self -respect.

[421] No, I'm not taking your soccer practice night.

[422] But the soccer coach is going to be really upset.

[423] I know he will.

[424] And you can explain to him that you didn't make it to practice or you were late because you didn't do your chores.

[425] Right?

[426] There's no name.

[427] You know what?

[428] If you would have done your chores on time, you wouldn't be late.

[429] I'm going to tell the coach, there's no snottiness necessary.

[430] I'm not snotty when I'm disciplined.

[431] When I discipline.

[432] I'm not upset.

[433] I'm just let you know quietly, confidently, without a lot of words, with a smile.

[434] after a shot of tequila or a glass of wine i'm kidding i don't even drink much i don't just a joke but if some of you need look if some of you need one glass of wine to help you with this i'm not recommending that but you know what i mean with a smile then i do it and i just let people know this is how i roll and now i'm being assertive and i'm demonstrating self -respect i do this example a lot of when the kids come down like, Mom, Mom, I'm hungry.

[435] I want you to sit on the sofa and put your feet up and read a book, a book you haven't read in 15 years since you had kids and say, listen, you've got two legs and two feet.

[436] You can go to the kitchen and get yourself a snack.

[437] And while you're there, you know what, I would like a snack and a glass of iced tea.

[438] And what you have just demonstrated very clearly, very simply, without a lecture about how everybody takes advantage of you is my needs are important.

[439] This is what I expect.

[440] And all you ask for is a glass of ice tea and a snack.

[441] It's not too much to ask, right?

[442] And you did it and begin doing that.

[443] Now, you may have to tell your wife, I want to apologize to you, honey.

[444] By my actions during our marriage, I have led you to believe that my opinion doesn't matter around the house and that I prefer to take a back seat with the kids, that I exist to manage your anxiety when you get overwhelmed, that I'm okay with you putting all of your energy into the kids, but not us, that I think it's okay to be blamed when I can't meet your expectations of perfection.

[445] As a result, I have withdrawn emotionally and acted like I wasn't interested, so I apologize.

[446] And then after you apologize, right, tell your husband, I want to apologize to you.

[447] By my actions during our 13 years of marriage, I've led you to believe I exist to do all the household chores alone, that I'm here to manage your moods when things don't go your way, and then I'm a dormant and that my needs are unimportant.

[448] As a result, I've become tired and cranky.

[449] I'm negative.

[450] I complain about the kids all the time and I'm worn out and I'm not fun to be around and I'm not the girl that you married.

[451] And I apologize for not speaking up.

[452] But after you apologize, then you have to state what you are going to be, excuse me, you have to state what you want very clearly and what you are going to do.

[453] You state it clearly, succinctly, firm, matter of fact, manner.

[454] You don't need to explain, rationalize, or rehash everything.

[455] I'm going to go through that.

[456] I'm going to try to do that next week in a bonus podcast, how to do that.

[457] But I encourage you, begin doing that this week.

[458] Start breaking some of those generational patterns.

[459] What a gift to your kids.

[460] What a gift to yourself.

[461] Look, how many of us are caught in these patterns of like, I talk to this guy, he's like, oh, I'm just cautious.

[462] I'm 54 at times I'm a little bit too cautious too.

[463] And I want to be liberated from that so we can enjoy life.

[464] So we can give out to others without being.

[465] without being negative all the time, without being resentful about things, so we can enjoy relationships.

[466] Let's do this thing.

[467] If you need our help, I'll mentor you.

[468] I'm available now.

[469] I've got a lot of time because we're not traveling.

[470] And I love this stuff.

[471] And I'll put my heart, heart and soul into this.

[472] This is very personal to me. Something I meant to say at times.

[473] Like, when I was talking this gentleman, I was like, this is personal to me. I care.

[474] It's not like a therapy appointment like okay we're going to schedule you for 50 minutes i'm going to sit there and just ask you questions this means a lot to me i want to see you free i want you to break those patterns i will email you i will text with you in between our appointments if you do the mentoring program so that in the moment when you're stuck and you're like oh i'm doing this what do i say if i'm available obviously i'll text you back and i'll give you a little script to do it if you invest in our programs and in doing this i'm asking you to invest financially, I'm asking you to invest emotionally.

[475] We've invested a lot of time in these programs, but I invest emotionally in this.

[476] This is not a business.

[477] It's a personal and family mission of seeing people break through this gentleman that I'm working with.

[478] I have so much respect for this man because you can hear brokenness in people.

[479] You can hear brokenness in 40 and 45 and 50 and 55 year old people who are like, I've labored under this my whole life and I just want to be free.

[480] How can that not move you to want to be free and want to help?

[481] So let's do this because I don't want your marriage falling apart.

[482] Because when your marriage falls apart, the stuff with the kids falls apart, it's not good.

[483] So let's do this.

[484] So what do you want to do mentoring?

[485] Or if you want to look up the New Year's sale, look, it's, I think our New Year's sale, I'm not going to say the price because you may listen to a year and a half from now.

[486] But it's low.

[487] It's basically the cost of one visit to a therapist office and you get 13 programs, like 30 hours of instruction with the marriage program.

[488] You'll get a workbook with it.

[489] It's a PDF workbook where all of these scripts are in it where you just walk through it step by step and it's realistic.

[490] Anyway, you get the point.

[491] If we can help you reach out Casey at celebratecom.

[492] We will help you as much as we can.

[493] Love you all.

[494] Take care.

[495] Let's break a pattern this week.

[496] Let's start on it.

[497] You can do it.

[498] So can I. See ya.

[499] Bye.