Tiffany Haddish

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax Shepherd.

[2] I'm joined by Miss Monica Mouse.

[3] Hello.

[4] Miss Monica.

[5] Hi.

[6] I have been looking so forward to this guest for six and a half years.

[7] Yes.

[8] And we finally got her.

[9] And then the version of which we got her could not be more exceptional.

[10] Yeah.

[11] I'm not going to ruin any of it for you.

[12] You'll hear all of it, but it's an interview that shouldn't have happened.

[13] Yes.

[14] Through sheer will.

[15] Yes.

[16] Yes.

[17] Tiffany Haddish.

[18] I love Tiffany Haddish so much.

[19] She's an award -winning actor, a stand -up comedian, and a best -selling author.

[20] You love her in girls' trip, night school, the unbearable weight of massive talent, haunted mansion, the after party.

[21] You probably read her book, The Last Black Unicorn.

[22] And she has a new essay collection out tomorrow called I Curse You with Joy.

[23] So check out, I Curse You with Joy.

[24] It's phenomenal.

[25] It's out tomorrow.

[26] Please enjoy Tiffany Haddish.

[27] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[28] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[29] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[30] He's an armchair expert.

[31] You made it.

[32] Monica.

[33] You have a bunch of hands.

[34] Nice to meet you, Monica.

[35] I'm nice to meet you.

[36] Yeah, but let's talk.

[37] What would you, we got you a coffee.

[38] I don't drink coffee.

[39] I drink tea.

[40] Okay, what kind of tea would you like?

[41] Mint tea.

[42] We have spearmint tea.

[43] Yeah, that's the same thing.

[44] That's the thing.

[45] That's Monica's favorite.

[46] You ever see these?

[47] Oh, yeah.

[48] And then I got, um, kind of...

[49] I'm not really hungry.

[50] Can I put them next to you since you change your mind?

[51] I'm kind of worried about you.

[52] You are?

[53] Yes, of course.

[54] Well, you're a trooper, I got to say.

[55] I think I would have been like, uh, I'm re -schedged up.

[56] I should probably offer to just come back tomorrow.

[57] But I can't.

[58] I don't have time tomorrow.

[59] Well, then you got to come.

[60] When a car spin around, I was like, if this thing flip, flips over.

[61] What do we do next?

[62] How am I going to flip this myself?

[63] Yeah.

[64] And then I was just like, God, more bad you're okay.

[65] I'm fine.

[66] Do you have one of those seatbelt cutters slash window smashers?

[67] No, I don't have that.

[68] You need to get that.

[69] I just got one.

[70] I don't get in car accidents often.

[71] Yeah, you've been driving this car for six years.

[72] This was your first.

[73] Yeah.

[74] The worst in that car is maybe backing up.

[75] into a yellow pole.

[76] Okay, that happens.

[77] Like, or the Beverly Hills Hotel when you come out that parking structure.

[78] Oh, is that the Beverly Hills Hotel right there where the Grammy Parties be at?

[79] Yes, but when you were saying that, I have to admit I was picturing Chateau, which is a disaster.

[80] Oh, that one sucks.

[81] Have you ever pulled into the Chateau?

[82] No, I don't even mess around pulling in over there.

[83] It's so scary.

[84] Yeah.

[85] You're better of just leaving it on sunset and walking up the hill.

[86] Yeah, that's mostly what I do.

[87] I park at the live factory and walk down there.

[88] That's clever.

[89] So it's 138 days.

[90] That's a long fucking time.

[91] And that interview that I did, I think it was in January.

[92] So then it came out at the beginning of February or something like that.

[93] And I think I said it's been like 49 days or something like that.

[94] So whatever that was.

[95] So what's interesting, though, is you chose to do that then right before the holidays.

[96] Yeah, it was like November or something.

[97] Is that mega for you?

[98] I'm an addict.

[99] So that's a long time.

[100] I don't think I'm an addict because it doesn't bother.

[101] Which is shocking.

[102] I'm a workaholic.

[103] I am a laughaholic.

[104] That's a good one.

[105] I need to hear laughs.

[106] I need to be laughing.

[107] If a day goes by and I don't hear somebody laughing or if I don't laugh, it's going to be hell on earth.

[108] Okay, it's going to be a problem.

[109] It's dark.

[110] I'll get to the point by the end of the day.

[111] I'm like, I didn't hear anybody laughing today.

[112] I pull up a YouTube video and just babies laughing.

[113] Whenever I get down or whatever, baby's laughing.

[114] It clears the energy.

[115] They do have the best laugh.

[116] The best laughs in the world is contagious.

[117] It's the realist.

[118] So I try to not eat meat for like 30 days.

[119] And I was doing good, and then I'm definitely addicted to me. And it's definitely chicken I got to fucking have in pastrami.

[120] I love pastrami.

[121] Have you gone to Langers?

[122] Yes, I've been to Langers.

[123] That's in New York.

[124] Right by MacArthur Park.

[125] Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[126] It's like 85 years old.

[127] Yes, yes, yes.

[128] Because if you had not been there.

[129] And they put the juice on there and all that.

[130] That would be the first hang we would have is Langer.

[131] Yeah.

[132] And it's time travel because everyone in there is 85 years old and it looks like 1972 in there, and you feel like you time warp.

[133] Okay, pastrami chicken.

[134] Candy, you like candy.

[135] I do like candy, but only around this time.

[136] That's not an isom, because you're about to have your period.

[137] Right now, I could go for some sour sticks or the sour, uh...

[138] Oh, sour straws.

[139] Or sour powers, sour powers, sour powers.

[140] Sour powers.

[141] Sour power strips.

[142] Okay.

[143] I don't know about this.

[144] You don't know about the sour power strips?

[145] No. But you used to have to buy at the liquor store back in the day, and you can get three for 25 cents.

[146] But I like that with pickle, like you wrap a pickle with the sour.

[147] This is phrasing.

[148] Wow.

[149] Or stick a Jolly Ranch.

[150] inside a pickle or a mint inside a pickle.

[151] Oh, my God.

[152] You're wild.

[153] Around this time, I did the pickle in Kool -Aid, like a real good deal pickle and you dip it in Kool -Aid powder.

[154] Oh, my Lord.

[155] That's one of the weirdest things.

[156] One day I'm going to invite you to my house and you tried.

[157] You're going to be like, this is fucking dough.

[158] If you like sweet and sour.

[159] Well, I like sour.

[160] I'm more of a savory, like the chicken yacht.

[161] I would never, I'd say that, but I was vegan for a year.

[162] But I would never again try to quit me. That's a joke.

[163] We're supposed to eat meat.

[164] I don't think we are.

[165] No, we are.

[166] I don't think we are.

[167] Okay, let's have our first flight.

[168] Okay, let's do it.

[169] By the way, our teeth are shape, I don't think we are.

[170] You know why?

[171] Can we pause for just a second?

[172] Yeah, we can pause.

[173] However.

[174] But we're going to resume this because I got a knockout punch to that retort.

[175] This is her.

[176] Hi, Tiffany.

[177] Good afternoon.

[178] I had a service order for your Tesla.

[179] Yes.

[180] Are you at a safe location?

[181] Yes, I'm in a safe location.

[182] My sister Tuesday is with the car right now because I had to be at work.

[183] Okay.

[184] It's going to be about 60 minutes.

[185] Good Lord.

[186] Why 60 Minutes?

[187] Do you know how famous I am?

[188] Oh, I'm so sorry, dear.

[189] It's all good.

[190] Can I pat you in with my sister?

[191] Sure.

[192] Okay, so she can know, too?

[193] Whose name is the membership under you?

[194] My name, Tiffany Haddish.

[195] Okay, you want to send me your membership card to this number?

[196] Yeah.

[197] Yeah, I'll send you my membership card to that.

[198] What's your name?

[199] My name is Mike.

[200] Mike.

[201] Are you going to be the one picking up the car, Mike?

[202] No, it's going to be a driver.

[203] You're going to tell me who?

[204] who that is?

[205] I'm going to see which driver gets free, and I'll let you know most likely it's going to be either Carlos or David.

[206] Carlos or David?

[207] Send Carlos.

[208] No, send David.

[209] I like the name David.

[210] No. David's lazy.

[211] No, David's not lazy.

[212] David is a good, strong name.

[213] No, get Carlos on there.

[214] He's a hater.

[215] I'm sorry.

[216] Okay, I'm going to send you the insurance now.

[217] And are you a triple insurance also?

[218] No. What insurance are you?

[219] Stay far.

[220] Yeah, we're not allowed to Say that on this show.

[221] We'll cut it out.

[222] I'm actually doing a podcast at the same exact time.

[223] I'm at work.

[224] One second.

[225] I'm so sorry.

[226] We're not sponsored.

[227] Don't say stay far and we got a. I don't even know what the name of one of others.

[228] I got to lock the number into send.

[229] I'm going to do this.

[230] Copy that.

[231] Then I'm going to do this.

[232] Make this move.

[233] I'm going to do this.

[234] And then.

[235] Oh, don't do that.

[236] Oh, I got to do this.

[237] Then I'm going to do this.

[238] And then I'm going to do that.

[239] And then bam.

[240] Don't be giving out my personal information.

[241] You haven't given an.

[242] I'm sure Mike is panicked right now.

[243] Hello, the tow truck guy, he told me to hold on for a second.

[244] I wanted to merge him with you.

[245] Either David or Carlos is coming.

[246] He said it's going to be 60 minutes.

[247] 60 minutes?

[248] That's the what the fuck I'll fit.

[249] But Liz's told me at 345.

[250] That's what they had told her, but then he just called me and said 60 minutes because he don't know.

[251] Is that Tuesday?

[252] Yeah, it's Tuesday.

[253] Hey.

[254] Dax said, hey.

[255] But he don't know if it's going to be Carlos or David that's going to be available.

[256] So, Day, he don't hunk up on me now.

[257] I'm going to send you his phone number so you could call him.

[258] Yeah, all right.

[259] Send me his number.

[260] Okay, love you, bye.

[261] We can be done with the show now.

[262] That was perfect.

[263] Talk about privilege.

[264] Shoot, I'll be back to my car before they even get to me. Exactly.

[265] Be like, you know what, Dad?

[266] She's drop me off where you pick my ass up at.

[267] I'll handle this.

[268] This is some bullshit.

[269] Where was we at?

[270] Just skip it.

[271] Why is meat important?

[272] Meat.

[273] Okay, you want me to tell you why our teeth aren't resembling those of other omnivores?

[274] Yes, because that's where I was about to go with.

[275] With the teeth.

[276] Cooking.

[277] We have been cooking meat for two and a half million years.

[278] So we didn't need to have those teeth and those teeth are expensive.

[279] You have to dedicate a lot of nutrients and growth to them.

[280] So we don't have anything extra.

[281] We wouldn't carry around these big canines if we didn't need them.

[282] So since we've been cooking meat for two and a half million years, cooking it allows us to eat it with these teeth.

[283] So our teeth have genetically modified is what you're saying, because we've been cooking meat.

[284] Yeah.

[285] In the archaeological record, we know 100 % humans have been eating meat forever.

[286] Mm -hmm.

[287] You're not buying it.

[288] I got to tell her.

[289] I think humans eat bugs.

[290] Sure, they eat bugs.

[291] I think humans should be eating more vegetables.

[292] I feel like my teeth.

[293] Okay, I don't know how your teeth is, white man, but my teeth like eating vegetables better than meat, but the way my intestines work, the way that the bacteria set up in my body, the parasites in my body, likes fried chicken and likes baked chicken.

[294] Yeah.

[295] And loves, loves, loves that chicken, that rotissory.

[296] When it's all smoky and stuff, and it's just spinning and spinning the juice dripping off of it.

[297] And I just want to lick the skin.

[298] When it's all, you know, crisp and everything.

[299] We know, we know.

[300] I don't like blood.

[301] I do like red meat, but mostly just beef.

[302] Where are you at on steak?

[303] Well done.

[304] I don't want it to look like it's on this period at all.

[305] If I cut into it and anything pink come out, I don't want it.

[306] You're out.

[307] I'm done.

[308] I don't even want to eat it.

[309] I'm going to eat around all the burn parts.

[310] I like my meat horse.

[311] Hard and not red.

[312] Should we let people in on what has had?

[313] I think they might have been able to reverse engineer what happened, but poor Tiffany was in route to the attic and got into an accident and was spun around violently.

[314] And we don't know one another, despite you think might have met an NFL event.

[315] But putting that aside, I don't think we know each other.

[316] So I said, I'll come pick you up.

[317] I think we actually met.

[318] I wanted to say, but then I don't want to hurt your feelings.

[319] But I think we was in jail together.

[320] Okay.

[321] Well, that's a lot more likely than us being at an NFL event.

[322] Or I really want to say I've seen you at this dope dealer's house that I used to date, but I don't know.

[323] Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[324] That's probably true.

[325] That also is true.

[326] That's what I really want to say, but I don't want to put you on blast.

[327] But since you said you as an addict, I said, fuck it.

[328] Oh, yeah, we go.

[329] Listen, you know where we may have met, actually?

[330] Is that a CASA event?

[331] Have you been to CASA?

[332] Yes, that's where it's at.

[333] It was an event.

[334] I hosted the CASA banquet maybe five years in a row.

[335] And I performed at it.

[336] Yes.

[337] It was in the beginning, right, when Girl's Trip took off.

[338] Yep, and you told your story.

[339] Mm -hmm.

[340] That's what was weird.

[341] That actually solves everything because going, into researching you, I don't know your story, but for some reason, I knew it.

[342] Why do I know she was in foster care and ship?

[343] So I think it was the cost of men.

[344] Very different from an NFL event.

[345] And we kissed in the mouth.

[346] Yes, we did.

[347] I said, please don't tell my wife.

[348] And you said, I will never tell anyone until I'm on your podcast.

[349] And then I kissed your wife in the mom.

[350] Yeah.

[351] And we saved so many foster care.

[352] So many lives.

[353] Okay, so you were in a car accident.

[354] I went and picked you up.

[355] There was an incredibly handsome guy, Justin, helping.

[356] When you show up at an accident like I just did, there's so many people around.

[357] And I'm trying to figure out who's she with?

[358] Was she in the car with anyone?

[359] I was by myself.

[360] Who's this handsome guy?

[361] There's some fans.

[362] It's a different experience when you're famous and you get in a car accident.

[363] I was trying to decide if I was going to act like I was fucked up.

[364] For them?

[365] Yeah, when the car spun around, I was sitting there.

[366] I was trembling a little bit and I was like, where did my phone go?

[367] Because it flew out of the holder.

[368] And it hit me in the arm and the leg.

[369] And I was like, where's the phone?

[370] And then I picked the phone up off the floor.

[371] And then I was like, let me try to get the car out of the middle of the road.

[372] And thank God, nobody was coming from the other direction.

[373] Yeah, because you got knocked into oncoming traffic.

[374] And thankfully there was no traffic.

[375] And so I tried to push the car over it.

[376] Didn't I want to go?

[377] I was like, come on.

[378] Come on, Tiffany.

[379] You can do it.

[380] Get over there to the side of the road, girl.

[381] And I pushed it up and you hear the car.

[382] Yeah.

[383] It fought.

[384] There was a big long rubber mark where you had driven it down the road with three wheels.

[385] And if you paid attention, you could see the spin in the middle.

[386] And I didn't step on the brake either because you know they say, don't pound on a break.

[387] During a crash?

[388] Take your feet off.

[389] You had the wherewithal during that to go like, I want a break, but I'm not.

[390] going to break.

[391] I find that hard to believe.

[392] You think I broke?

[393] I'm telling you, I have taken enough race car classes.

[394] I went like this.

[395] Feet all the way up.

[396] Oh, shit, they hit me. Drunk drivers always live because they're loose.

[397] Bud, bug, bug, bug.

[398] Okay.

[399] So you had a moment, though, where you were thinking about acting super injured?

[400] Yeah, yeah.

[401] So my first thought was, jump out this car, cuss these motherfuckers out.

[402] Right.

[403] That was my first thought.

[404] You motherfuckers, you didn't hear me honking at you?

[405] How do you stop?

[406] That's what I wanted to do.

[407] Then I was like, fuck, you're famous.

[408] Do not behave that way.

[409] That's inappropriate.

[410] And then I see the guy get out the car and he's walking towards me. He's like, are you okay?

[411] He's like, oh, shit, I hit my favorite person.

[412] And I'm holding the phone and I'm like, who do I call first?

[413] Who do I call first?

[414] And I'm trembling.

[415] And I'm like, did I fuck this guy before?

[416] Do I know him?

[417] Okay.

[418] And I'm like, trembling.

[419] I'm looking at him walking up.

[420] And I'm like, maybe I bought weed from him back in a day.

[421] You're forgetting that he knows you from.

[422] television?

[423] I'm just wondering, do I know him?

[424] Okay.

[425] He kept saying, are you all right?

[426] Are you good?

[427] And I rolled the window down and I said, I guess, maybe.

[428] That's good, noncommittal.

[429] Now you can go either way.

[430] I'm trembling though.

[431] So I'm like, okay, trembling is good.

[432] You're releasing trauma.

[433] And I'm like, should I get out of this car limping?

[434] Do I even want to limp?

[435] Tiffany, your ass do hurt because you've been doing all them bar classes.

[436] You've been really working in booty muscles.

[437] You're just so.

[438] Punishing them, really?

[439] Yeah, well, I'm just building them.

[440] I'm trying I'm going to melt the cellulate in the fascia.

[441] And I'm like, do you want to do this?

[442] And then I'm like, no, I always operate out of honesty and truth.

[443] There's a lot of adrenaline rushing.

[444] You don't know how you're going to feel in three hours.

[445] Because I debunked, I was like, let him go.

[446] I sat there for a minute.

[447] And then the dude walked up, the handsome guy, Justin.

[448] Very handsome.

[449] And I'm like, I know I know him.

[450] I just don't know why I know him.

[451] And then he walks over to the window.

[452] He goes, you okay?

[453] Tiffany, right?

[454] And I was like, yes.

[455] I call my sister first.

[456] You're going to have to let the PR people know.

[457] You got to let this person know.

[458] You have to let that person know.

[459] She's like, oh, shit, I'm coming to get you.

[460] Where are you at?

[461] And then I was like, you got to call this.

[462] She's like, I'm going to call this person first.

[463] And I'm like, oh, shoot, okay.

[464] She's like, but are you alive?

[465] I'm like, I called you.

[466] I think I'm fine.

[467] So far, I feel pretty okay.

[468] And then he's like, do you need a ride?

[469] I'll take you.

[470] And I was like, why do I know your face?

[471] I do know you.

[472] And he was like from the comedy store.

[473] And I was like, bet.

[474] That's exactly where I know you from.

[475] And I was like, oh, and I don't hit on you a few times.

[476] I apologize.

[477] Okay, right, right.

[478] Again, he was inordinately handsome to be helping on this.

[479] It seemed like it was cast in a movie.

[480] It's a meat cute.

[481] Also, he was in tremendous shape.

[482] The first thing I said to him as I walked up is, boy, you're handsome and what shape you're in.

[483] And he's 52.

[484] He's 52.

[485] Did you miss all that?

[486] Yeah, I missed all of that.

[487] When I saw him, I did gush a little bit and not from my face or anything, like little blood came out.

[488] Oh, okay.

[489] And my ovaries turned.

[490] Okay.

[491] Not about to.

[492] It started.

[493] Oh, it started this morning.

[494] It's here.

[495] up in the blood.

[496] I woke up in the blood this morning.

[497] And then I got out and I walked around to see the damage and I was just looking.

[498] I said, damn, you fuck my shit up.

[499] And the guy goes, but are you okay?

[500] And then I turned around and looked into the bushes and said, why every time on my period, always some bullshit happened on day one?

[501] Yeah.

[502] The fuck on day one?

[503] I know.

[504] The devil is too busy.

[505] Take a vacation.

[506] And then I turned around and look back at the guy and say, it's just a car.

[507] Are you okay?

[508] Right.

[509] You got your sense.

[510] That's nice.

[511] Yeah, you let up a little steam.

[512] You jumped a lot of hurdles to get to a nice place.

[513] Because if this was 2003, if it was 1998, I might have pulled a bat out and be like, I'm going to fuck your ass.

[514] I'm fucking up my car that Tyler Perry gave me. But I didn't do that.

[515] Yeah.

[516] You wouldn't have had insurance.

[517] You had a whole host of other problems in 90.

[518] In 98?

[519] In the Geo Metro?

[520] I had insurance.

[521] Oh, my shit was constantly uninsured.

[522] Oh, no. My shit was insured.

[523] It was $12.

[524] It was a 1995 -95 metro.

[525] That shit was not that expensive.

[526] Yeah, yeah.

[527] I had a metro as well.

[528] Wow, so dependable.

[529] Do you at all regret letting it go?

[530] I feel like you should have kept it just so you could look at it every now and then.

[531] I know where it's at?

[532] Can we get it?

[533] We could get it every story.

[534] I'm being sincere because I let my Honda Civic go.

[535] That little car got me everywhere and I was broke.

[536] And I'm like, I need to bring that little guy up.

[537] I had over a million miles on it.

[538] No. You should have been in a commercial with it.

[539] Over a million miles.

[540] God bless the GM Metro.

[541] It's like a million five.

[542] We got to get that car.

[543] I know exactly where it's at.

[544] Every now and then you should go out and sit in it.

[545] and then like really internalize where you're at.

[546] I just sit in it and cry.

[547] It used to be my cry space.

[548] After you already made it?

[549] Mm -hmm.

[550] Over what, generally?

[551] Any old thing or the same thing?

[552] Usually the first day of my period.

[553] Usually the first day of my period.

[554] Something crazy happens.

[555] We caught you on a hell of a day.

[556] Yeah, you did.

[557] Day one of the period.

[558] It was supposed to start two more days, but I guess that eclipse fucked my shit up through my cycle off.

[559] Did that throw things off for you?

[560] Oh, yeah, it messes everyone's periods up.

[561] Are you a water sign?

[562] No, I'm a fire sign.

[563] Oh, I can see that.

[564] What does that mean?

[565] Oh, I know your birthday.

[566] You're December 3rd.

[567] Uh -huh.

[568] 1 ,900 and none of your fucking bitch.

[569] 79.

[570] I'm 75.

[571] Now, listen, what's really ironic is really within that car accident, everything I've learned about you today is that play.

[572] One is, like, when I go on to 7 -Eleven and shit's going off, I love one.

[573] There's, like, two crazy people screaming at each other, and maybe the guy's going to come from around the corner, and maybe I'm going to be in the middle of it.

[574] I'm an arousal junkie from the trauma.

[575] I'm good in these situations.

[576] And so you're in this chaotic situation.

[577] But you're like, oh, yeah, take my foot off the break.

[578] I feel this way.

[579] The shaking's going to pass.

[580] Like, part of it is you're trained for this.

[581] Some other people would be like screaming, losing their mind.

[582] They wouldn't be on the phone.

[583] It'd take them 35 minutes to get their shit together.

[584] And you're kind of rolling through it.

[585] It's telling.

[586] Y 'all been through a lot of shit.

[587] And do you find that you're pretty calm when shit's going sideways?

[588] Yeah, from what I remember from therapy and all the classes I've taken over the years, you're not supposed to react to things.

[589] respond.

[590] First sign of mental illness is when you react to situations, as opposed to responding to them.

[591] Right.

[592] You hopping out of the car screaming would be a reaction.

[593] And that's a mental illness.

[594] Yeah.

[595] And that would have been my very first desire to get out and defend myself, basically.

[596] Yeah.

[597] But he didn't jump out of the car coming at me aggressively.

[598] They didn't like try to pull off and leave.

[599] But you were doing your thing and another human being that you have no control over changed the course of your day.

[600] And for me, it means more than just that thing.

[601] back to million times I thought I was just doing my day and other motherfuckers changed the course of my day.

[602] So it goes straight back to a feeling that's not even a car accident.

[603] Right.

[604] Is it out of my face swelling right now?

[605] No. Do you feel it?

[606] Can I tell you what you're going to feel them out?

[607] It's not going to be your butt or your back?

[608] It hurts.

[609] It does.

[610] Maybe the phone hit my face too.

[611] Oh, shit.

[612] Do you want ice?

[613] We could get you some.

[614] Do you want to go home?

[615] No. I'll drive you home.

[616] No, because I'm just going to sit around and cry.

[617] Okay.

[618] Well, then stay here.

[619] But you know what's going to hurt tomorrow, which doesn't hurt at all right now.

[620] I've been with you now for 45 minutes, and you've listed a bunch of different things.

[621] You're back hurt, but then that might be your period, you decided.

[622] Yeah, I decided that's my cycle.

[623] Tomorrow morning, you're going to go, oh, my neck is sore.

[624] Because you've got hit from the side and you spawn.

[625] What really happened that you have been?

[626] What really happened?

[627] And maybe my head hit my shoulder really hard.

[628] That could have happened, yeah.

[629] I think Rob's probably going to get you ice.

[630] Oh, okay.

[631] Because the side of my face hurts.

[632] Let's get to this right now.

[633] It's throbbing.

[634] Do you hate the idea of someone getting you ice?

[635] A little bit.

[636] When you said he's going to get you ice, I kind of was like, no. I didn't want to say, like, don't do that.

[637] But you know what?

[638] I'll probably need it.

[639] Yeah.

[640] That's another hurdle.

[641] One of my things I wrote down.

[642] You figured it out.

[643] I don't like people doing shit for me. I hate surprises.

[644] Also, you don't want to be pitied.

[645] No, I hate that.

[646] This is the sentence I read where I was like, okay, I know you.

[647] You had an eighth miscarriage.

[648] And you didn't want to tell any of your friends because you didn't want them calling you.

[649] Are you okay?

[650] Are you okay?

[651] Are you okay?

[652] Now, there's two versions of that.

[653] One is you just hate being pitied.

[654] My thing is I have to be indomitable and strong as fuck.

[655] If I'm not and people don't think that about me at all time, they're going to try to take advantage of me. People are going to try to take advantage of you regardless.

[656] That's not it.

[657] But if someone was to feel bad for you, what would that mean?

[658] That I can't heal.

[659] That you're weak.

[660] No?

[661] I don't want to even say that word.

[662] Why do you say that words?

[663] That's what I'm saying.

[664] I mean it's not true.

[665] It doesn't mean you're weak.

[666] I know it doesn't mean I'm weak.

[667] that they treat you that way.

[668] Do you have a charger in here just in case my phone dies that's on 1%.

[669] That'll be another thing we'll send Rob for.

[670] He's going to be busy.

[671] We've all been busy.

[672] I've never picked a guest up.

[673] This is kind of fun and novel for me. And I'm not going home in an Uber because they kidnapped people.

[674] No, no, I'll take you home.

[675] I'll take you home to dinner.

[676] Some fried chicken.

[677] I mean, it's Popeye.

[678] We'll hit Langers.

[679] You called on your own, which I do want to tell people because most people in your situation who are famous, who get in a car accident are coming to a podcast.

[680] One would probably just forget the podcast, who cares?

[681] Second group would tell their public says, hey, I got in a car accident.

[682] I obviously can't go to this thing.

[683] Tell them.

[684] You called yourself.

[685] Because I knew they wouldn't call you guys.

[686] But that's so nice.

[687] Did anybody call you guys?

[688] You did, but I do think the assistant texted or called or something.

[689] But also, you called, you said specifically, hey, I got in this car accident, and I'll still do it.

[690] And I was overhearing this, like, are you kidding me?

[691] I'm not bleeding.

[692] I'm not broken.

[693] I can still talk and communicate.

[694] And if something happens, if I do have a concussion or I do have like internal bleeding going on besides my regular normal bleeding, can you get me a charger as well, love?

[695] Thank you so much.

[696] iPhone, yes, thank you.

[697] Well, there's two different kind of charge ones.

[698] Do you have the newest one with the new charger thing or the conventional?

[699] This is conventional.

[700] Here, you can take the whole thing.

[701] It's a little heavy.

[702] It's for weightlifting.

[703] It's to build my booty.

[704] I do squats with that phone.

[705] Oh, that feels so good right now.

[706] Maybe he did hit your face.

[707] It seems like you did.

[708] Okay, we shouldn't eat meat.

[709] Okay.

[710] If you had a concussion, we would be here to then take you to the hospital, I guess.

[711] Oh, my God, I hate going to the hospital.

[712] Yeah.

[713] Can we just do hospital stuff here?

[714] Dax would love to perform surgeries.

[715] Well, you got to start with just a general physical to assess where you're at.

[716] No peps mare.

[717] You're not putting a finger in my booty.

[718] Where were we at before he handed me to ice bag?

[719] I was talking about how much I hate if anyone thinks I'm weak.

[720] If you assess me as weak, then you'll be confident enough to try to take advantage of me. But people try to take advantage anyways.

[721] People prey on people that they think are vulnerable.

[722] Is that why you're so muscular and buff?

[723] Yeah.

[724] You even walk your posture is like, oh, Donkey Kong punch you in the head.

[725] Yeah, that's all from that.

[726] That's stepdad's that were violent and boys that were violent and all that stuff.

[727] And I'm sending a message to the world.

[728] The tattoos.

[729] Everything's transparent.

[730] Move on to someone else.

[731] There's an easier target.

[732] Yeah, this is not the one.

[733] That's all I need you to know.

[734] I'll fight back.

[735] There's someone else that won't pick them.

[736] I'll fight back too, and I'll enjoy it.

[737] That's the problem.

[738] That's what I'm working on.

[739] We would be the worst couple of all time.

[740] Let me tell you something about men in relationships.

[741] I do not argue with men.

[742] Now, I may say some smart -ass shit that's going to piss you off, but I would not yell and scream with you.

[743] If you're yelling and screaming at me...

[744] Two people in a relationship, neither can be soft, weak, and vulnerable.

[745] That's a recipe for...

[746] One has to be, and I will be, but I will say to sleep.

[747] The biggest, most fucked up shit that's going to hit your soul.

[748] And it's going to hit you on the inside.

[749] Two days later.

[750] You'll be like, oh, fuck.

[751] I just heard what she said.

[752] I didn't do the math.

[753] That was evil.

[754] She penetrated my spirit with that one.

[755] What's the longest you've been with a guy?

[756] Five years.

[757] Well, you were married.

[758] Was that your longest?

[759] I guess, yeah.

[760] Do fuck buddies count?

[761] No. No. Okay, then five years.

[762] And that's with the ex -husband?

[763] Yeah.

[764] Since then, what's the longest?

[765] Two years.

[766] Do you have a pattern that you've noticed that generally spells the end?

[767] Yeah, usually at the nine -month mark.

[768] Do you start losing interest at the nine -month mark?

[769] Mm -hmm, especially if he's never taking me anywhere, no trips, no nothing.

[770] Because I don't like surprises.

[771] I'm not super big on gifts, but I like adventure, so that's quality time.

[772] I like touch.

[773] I like super groping and shit, but a nice pat on the back.

[774] You want to connect physically with the person you love.

[775] Look at my eyes when you're talking to me. Let me know that you hear me. I like kind words.

[776] I'm easy.

[777] Cheap as fuck.

[778] You cook a meal.

[779] I cook a meal.

[780] Maybe you don't cook at all.

[781] up some onions for me or something, I think that's so fucking awesome.

[782] Wash my car, I'm wet.

[783] I think that's super romantic.

[784] He watched the dishes, clean up something.

[785] Oh, acts of service, fix something for me, I'm sucking your dick.

[786] You heard it here.

[787] That's a good playbook for any dude who wants to take Tiffany out.

[788] That's right.

[789] Acts of service, man, that's hot.

[790] So acts of service is interesting.

[791] That's what my wife's love language is.

[792] It's a lot of women's love language.

[793] Yeah, I think that they want to receive that.

[794] I'm verbal affirmation.

[795] I want to hear.

[796] Good words.

[797] I want to be told that you like me. Too much, probably.

[798] And my wife's a genius because she has figured out to just give me just a hair less than I want.

[799] And then I've been intrigued for 17 years.

[800] So are you an arousal junkie?

[801] My therapist said to me once, because I was also reading your history with antidepressants, and it was virtually identical to what I experienced.

[802] You had vaginal dryness?

[803] That is a common side of that.

[804] Yeah, yeah, just dust.

[805] Just to say.

[806] Yeah, yeah.

[807] Do you see Dune?

[808] It was shot in my pussy when I was on Paxil.

[809] I made a ton of money on location rental.

[810] Hilarious.

[811] But what I felt, and I learned the term of while I was on it, was blunting or bunting.

[812] I was like, I was sitting on a river in North Carolina that I have sat at many, many times, and I know how it's supposed to smell, and I know how it's supposed to feel, and I'm like, where did it all go?

[813] And then I went off of it a couple years ago, and my current therapist, he's like, yeah, that makes total sense.

[814] You are an arousal person.

[815] You like smells and sounds and excitement and thrills.

[816] And that's what keeps you alive.

[817] I like what I see.

[818] Kind of like a little chaos.

[819] My bedroom proves that it's a mess.

[820] So many things, so many knick -knacks, so many clothes.

[821] I love clothes.

[822] Me too.

[823] I hate hanging them.

[824] Like if a man came into my life and said, I'm going to fold your clothes and put them away for you, I'm sucking his dick straight up.

[825] Yeah, while he's folding.

[826] Look at you made this space on a bed.

[827] you.

[828] This is your face and I'm going to suck your dick for that.

[829] Because I will wash the clothes.

[830] I will put the clothes in a basket.

[831] I will pour them on a guest bed.

[832] I'll pour them on my bed first.

[833] And then I like to snuggle up to them.

[834] They smell so good.

[835] Warm.

[836] Yeah, I'm warm and stuff.

[837] And I'll take a nap in them.

[838] Roll around in them.

[839] Like a kitten.

[840] I do roll around in this.

[841] Then I will fold them eventually.

[842] They're like your babies.

[843] And put them in their space and then I never put them away.

[844] Yeah.

[845] I just start getting dressed right from the bed.

[846] Monica's got a very similar relationship with her.

[847] And she loves clothes and she buys so many clothes.

[848] I love clothes.

[849] I do also just throw them all over the place.

[850] But it's interesting because I was just talking to my friend about this who has a very chaotic mind.

[851] She is all over the place.

[852] She has ADHD.

[853] And her space is very clean, which I found shocking because my brain is very organized.

[854] It reversed.

[855] Counterintuitive.

[856] Yes.

[857] It was almost like I can live in a messy space because my brain.

[858] It won't overwhelm you.

[859] It won't overwhelm me. and hers is the opposite.

[860] I relate to her.

[861] I have anxiety from how much shit is crooked and out of place.

[862] It doesn't bother me. But I feel comfortable and clutter a little bit.

[863] I feel snugly.

[864] Cozy.

[865] Yeah, cozy.

[866] We got it.

[867] That is it.

[868] Comfort and I'm also always single and I do wonder if it is a little bit that where it's like, lived in my face.

[869] Look, let me tell you something.

[870] A man hasn't been in my bedroom since 2017.

[871] Okay.

[872] A man hasn't been in my bed to bed.

[873] Did I like to sleep in since 2017?

[874] But I will fuck them in the guest.

[875] On the couch, in the kitchen, on a left seat.

[876] Because you're not letting anyone into that space unless there's my space.

[877] It's my dead.

[878] I get so mad when something breaks in the bathroom.

[879] I'm like, let me figure out how to fix it myself.

[880] And if I can't fix it myself, then I'm like, okay, let me organize my room.

[881] Let me clean my room and have the plumber come in, fix this bathroom.

[882] And then get the fuck out of here.

[883] And I'm like messing shit up immediately.

[884] It's your nest.

[885] Yeah, my nest.

[886] Can we start at the beginning a little bit?

[887] Yeah.

[888] Born in South Central, but moved out to San Bernardino County.

[889] What age?

[890] When I was six or seven?

[891] Okay.

[892] There's a lot of parallels.

[893] Geo Metro, SMC.

[894] So dad leaves at three.

[895] By the way, he's from a country I'd never heard of.

[896] And I think I know geography.

[897] Eritrea, right next to Ethiopia.

[898] Have you ever heard of Eritrea?

[899] No, but I'm not very good at geography.

[900] I was like, there can't be a country I'd never heard the name of until today.

[901] It's only 32 years old now, I think maybe.

[902] Oh, wow.

[903] So that helps.

[904] It was part of Ethiopia.

[905] How did Mom meet him?

[906] She was banking at Founders Bank, Buckingham and Martin Luther King.

[907] He was working at the gas station across the street He was sitting on a bus stop She thought he was a guy that she had met at a convention And told him to get in the car She's like, I'll give you a ride I know you from the convention She's like, what are you doing on the bus stop?

[908] Get in the car, get in the car, get in the car He gets in the car He probably thought he's about to get molested And then he starts talking She was like, wait a minute You're not who I thought you were Because he has a thick accent Yeah and he had a shirt on that said Michael And the guy that she met his name was Michael Oh Michael's not his actual name That was the shirt they had at the gas station So how long were they together?

[909] about four years.

[910] Within six months of them meeting, she was pregnant with me. He was fertile.

[911] Yeah, but she lost her virginity to him.

[912] Oh, she did?

[913] How old was she?

[914] That's what she say.

[915] Sure.

[916] 21.

[917] Nope.

[918] Well, now, maybe.

[919] Maybe.

[920] Maybe.

[921] Maybe.

[922] She was a travel witness.

[923] And she says she only was with him and then my stepdad are the only two men she's ever been with.

[924] We try to catch her slipping up, like get her to tell her.

[925] It was the only two men she talks about.

[926] So he leaves, do we know why?

[927] Yeah, because he was selling green cards illegally.

[928] And he was on the run ever since for like 27 years.

[929] Until he was found for your wedding.

[930] So my ex -husband, so I made him on a cruise and I thought he was too old for me and kind of gross from the telephone conversations, right?

[931] And then I had changed my number.

[932] Cut to years go by and I'm on who's got jokes.

[933] He sees me on who's got jokes and he starts looking for me. He finds my number.

[934] He finds me. He's a private investigator, so he can find anybody.

[935] He calls me. I remember who he is.

[936] I'm like, dang, if you could find me, maybe you could find my daddy because I have been looking.

[937] And that's what we bonded over.

[938] on the boat.

[939] He's telling me he's a private investigator.

[940] And I was like, let's just change number so you can find my dad.

[941] But he never found my dad back then.

[942] And then on the first phone conversation, I was like, if you could find my dad, I'll give you whatever you want.

[943] And I'm thinking, like, I'll go on a few dates with him, maybe give him a little ass, something, you know, just whatever.

[944] Sure, a little something.

[945] A couple hundred dollars, whatever.

[946] Yeah, whatever takes.

[947] And so then he said, well, if I find your dad, I want you to marry me. I laughed super hard and and said, sure, okay, whatever.

[948] You're not going to find them because I ain't found him all this time.

[949] And then And over the course of three weeks, he was getting in my head.

[950] I was 26 at the time I was young, dumb.

[951] How old was he?

[952] 38?

[953] He was running game on me, but I was falling in.

[954] By the time he hit the three week mark, I'm in love.

[955] You know, this man is in my brain.

[956] Once he felt confident in that, then he had my dad call me. Wow.

[957] That's a move.

[958] There was a dude that knew my dad that called me and talked to me first.

[959] And then that dude gave my dad the phone number, and then my dad called me. Did you have a lot of resentment?

[960] I wanted to resent him so bad.

[961] I was playing out.

[962] When I first see him, I'm going to kick him in a moment.

[963] balls, why you didn't take care of me?

[964] Why would you abandon me?

[965] Why would you abandon me?

[966] Yeah, I got this fucking pattern you gave me now.

[967] I wanted to be so mean to him.

[968] But as soon as I heard his voice, it's like my whole soul new, all that went away and I was just so happy to hear his voice.

[969] The little girl in me is like Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

[970] It felt so good.

[971] That was a good hide.

[972] My soul was like, okay, this is good.

[973] Isn't it fucking wild how we're linked like that because we're half of them and it's just what it is?

[974] Yeah.

[975] Biology.

[976] And a part of it.

[977] Part of me didn't want it to be true because I had this fantasy of who he was and what he was and what he was doing.

[978] And the fantasy is always better than the real life.

[979] You had 23 years to work up some stories.

[980] Stay tuned for more of a firemature expert if you dare.

[981] We've all been there.

[982] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers and strange rashes.

[983] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[984] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[985] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[986] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[987] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[988] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[989] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[990] What's up, guys?

[991] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[992] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[993] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[994] And I don't mean just friends.

[995] I mean the likes of Amy.

[996] Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[997] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[998] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[999] Now, for me growing up without a dad in the house and around, I was really susceptible to masculinity.

[1000] That was the hole that it left for me. What is it for a girl?

[1001] I didn't know how to be around men.

[1002] I didn't know how to treat men.

[1003] I didn't know how to really communicate with them.

[1004] Are you easily duped by them?

[1005] Always duped.

[1006] But also, I hung around a lot of boys.

[1007] tomboyish and all this stuff and taking advantage of a lot, manipulated a lot.

[1008] But I was okay with that because I feel like, oh, I'm learning something.

[1009] Yeah, you have such a positive spin on everything.

[1010] I'm learning things.

[1011] I know next time that ain't going to happen.

[1012] And then it might happen again, but in a different way.

[1013] Maybe I see the flags.

[1014] I know this is going to happen, but he's kind of fine.

[1015] Fuck it.

[1016] Yeah, I've already dealt with the fallout of this before and I live.

[1017] I won't be hurt over it.

[1018] It's going to be exciting.

[1019] It'll be a story to tell.

[1020] You go to San Bernardino County.

[1021] Yeah, we moved to Promona first and then we moved to Colton.

[1022] You already had the step dead or mom met the?

[1023] The stepdad already had the stepdad.

[1024] And a little brother by the time we moved to Colton and my other sister was born.

[1025] They end up having four children together, two boys and two girls.

[1026] Mm -hmm.

[1027] And what do you think about him?

[1028] I think he's damaged.

[1029] He went through a lot, probably growing up.

[1030] I don't know everything that he went through, but I think he wanted to be a good person.

[1031] I think he wants to do good things.

[1032] Did he have addiction stuff?

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] And that's none of my damn business.

[1035] I only ask him about him because mom gets in a really bad car accident.

[1036] You said at one point, you're under the belief he could.

[1037] cut her breaks.

[1038] You're being very generous about how much you like this kind of hobby.

[1039] You're being compassionate.

[1040] I didn't say I liked them.

[1041] You did not say that.

[1042] I don't hate them either.

[1043] I think people do things or say things because they're going through something.

[1044] They think it's going to be a great idea.

[1045] It ain't necessarily going to be that.

[1046] And when I sit back and look at it all, where my life had been better, if that didn't happen, maybe.

[1047] Maybe not.

[1048] Maybe I'd be the most unhappy bitch.

[1049] with dysfunctional parents.

[1050] I still got dysfunctional parents, but their dysfunctions created my greatness.

[1051] I do believe that we get to choose who we born to, and maybe I'm wrong, but I like to believe in this fantasy because I think everybody has a purpose.

[1052] Even if you're here for one day, there's some reason that you've got to come in and do whatever you're supposed to do and get out, and you can change your purpose and all that.

[1053] And I feel like I would never have fulfilled all the things I've fulfilled up to this point and been the influence that I've been, and helped others the way I've helped them, had I not had those three major players around me, if I didn't come through my actual biological father and my biological mother, and has she not been with him, who knows, she was very good with money, very smart business woman, so charming, so everything, and I love her very much, but I don't know what came back out of that accident.

[1054] She changed radically after that.

[1055] Yeah, and it was scary.

[1056] She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but you also feel like it's kind of C -T -E.

[1057] That's what I feel like it is.

[1058] But when she came out of that accent, she had a radical kind of shift in her personality, and she got really kind of dangerous to be around.

[1059] Very dangerous to be around.

[1060] I just want to say one thing, because I really feel like you do, by the way, which is I love my life so much, and I'm so happy with it that I would never fuck with anything that happened.

[1061] Getting Melissa, I'll keep it, because I love where I landed.

[1062] I don't want one of the things to have been not there.

[1063] But I also can look at it and go, that was wild.

[1064] I can have both.

[1065] I can have judgment over and gratitude for it.

[1066] I don't know if I'm at the place where I wouldn't have made adjustments.

[1067] I wish I had the guidance to maybe not fall into some of the things that I fell into.

[1068] To know how to let go of things.

[1069] I think my room is evident of me not letting go of things or not letting go of certain emotions or feelings for people.

[1070] And I'm trying to apply this rule that I learned in home economics, when in doubt, throw it out.

[1071] I'm so good with food.

[1072] And I'm getting better now with relationships.

[1073] And I'm still working on my clothes.

[1074] certain knick -knacks because I don't have no doubts about that.

[1075] I like this shit.

[1076] This is mine.

[1077] You went into foster care at 13.

[1078] So like everything that you had, that you define yourself by, that it gives you comfort, you've got a clean slate at 13 of you've got now nothing to represent who you are.

[1079] So fucking A you want your shit and it means a lot to you because you have it now.

[1080] And you've lost it before.

[1081] Your life disappeared once.

[1082] So of course.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] That's okay But I would like to clear my space You can do it slowly And then I put more shit in there What you would have to believe And this is this thing I'm trying to do I'm trying to get to a place where like No one's coming for me No one's gonna try to victimize me I have got to accept where I'm really at And so I feel like what would be similar Is like no one's ever gonna take your shit Which is hard to believe, isn't it?

[1085] Man, somebody stole all the pennies And dollars and money I had And my hello kitty piggy bank, I felt like they had snatched a piece of my spirit.

[1086] And it had to be somebody I know.

[1087] And I felt so violated.

[1088] And it could have been three people.

[1089] It could have been my dad.

[1090] It could have been the bitch that I let stay in my house with her daughter.

[1091] So it could have been her daughter.

[1092] So four people.

[1093] Or it could have been my boyfriend at the time.

[1094] But this was as an adult.

[1095] This is as an adult.

[1096] And I think it was my boyfriend at the time because he also stole my vacuum cleaner.

[1097] He mailed my vacuum cleaner to his house.

[1098] Who does that?

[1099] Yeah, that's stealing for the...

[1100] motion behind it.

[1101] Because I got a hunch he didn't love vacuum.

[1102] I don't know.

[1103] Did you notice he loved vacuuming so much?

[1104] No. I had went on Instagram and said, man, I would love this vacuum cleaner.

[1105] And somebody sent me one of the vacuum cleaners and then one of my home girls bought me the vacuum cleaner too.

[1106] And he could have just asked me for it.

[1107] I would have gave it to him.

[1108] But I was thinking, oh, I'll give this to my mom and my sister, this other one and we'll have twin vacuum cleaners.

[1109] You're matching vacuums.

[1110] And this motherfucker stole it.

[1111] Sent it to himself.

[1112] And then the Hello Kitty Bank wasn't like somewhere out in the open.

[1113] It was in a box, under some wigs, in the back of a closet.

[1114] So whoever did it, had time, and they was digging.

[1115] And I know he'd be digging because he was going through old text messages on the iPad.

[1116] He was controlling and jealous.

[1117] Yeah, it's fucking weird.

[1118] And couldn't fix shit.

[1119] I had to put my own damn bidet in.

[1120] Oh, my.

[1121] That's a good skill.

[1122] You can't put this bidet in for me?

[1123] He's too busy vacuuming.

[1124] Yeah, he just loved vacuuming.

[1125] He didn't wash an old dish.

[1126] Didn't help pay a light bill And I'm like, go back to your house You're not even helping pay a bill Where's the service?

[1127] Eating my ass is not going to be enough It's something, but it's not enough It's not enough.

[1128] Anybody will do that.

[1129] You're in foster for two years -ish?

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] What's the darkest period?

[1132] Is it being with mom and seeing this person You don't recognize anymore?

[1133] Yeah, that's the most fear.

[1134] Is going to live with grandma A sweet spot at all?

[1135] It was, but it was also scary too because mom had more access A lot of fights and stuff.

[1136] Because I didn't know how to deal with her.

[1137] She didn't know how to deal with me. And then I'm a teenager at this point.

[1138] And I'm like, you know, feeling myself.

[1139] I'm taking care of my sisters and brothers really good and being helpful to my grandma.

[1140] So there was some issues.

[1141] Was Woodland Hills an adjustment?

[1142] What's the vibe in Woodland Hills?

[1143] At that time, it was very valid.

[1144] Even the Latinos there, I feel like they were trying not to be Latino.

[1145] Everybody was trying to be what they saw Nickelodeon.

[1146] But then there was this small group of like black kids that were like, fuck that shit, crip, blub.

[1147] Very small group of black kids like that.

[1148] I mean, very small, maybe five.

[1149] But the whole school was maybe 3 % black.

[1150] And my whole thing was I'm going to make friends with everybody and give people to help me do my homework and help me get through this shit because I'm not smart enough to get through.

[1151] I'm dumb.

[1152] What an ironic thing to say.

[1153] But you've already figured out you can regulate mom by being funny.

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] You can diffuse things.

[1156] You can let the tension out.

[1157] It becomes a really useful skill for survival.

[1158] It is a tool to survive, a shield, you will.

[1159] Yeah, and you become the mascot of the school.

[1160] So you're class clowny?

[1161] Yep.

[1162] Well, no wonder you're addicted to laughter.

[1163] It's safe.

[1164] It's safe.

[1165] It's safe.

[1166] It's there for survival.

[1167] You don't see a lot of people beating somebody and laughing at the same time.

[1168] They got to be really, really psychotic.

[1169] Yeah, if they got a heart on in their laugh.

[1170] Raging boner.

[1171] It's more of a cackle.

[1172] It's more of a cackle.

[1173] Maniacal laugh.

[1174] Yeah, yeah.

[1175] Beating and laughing, that's not someone saying.

[1176] Pure.

[1177] evil is laughing and hitting you at the same time.

[1178] Most people are not evil.

[1179] Right.

[1180] Most of the time when they're hitting you is, mm -uh, uh, I'm swearing.

[1181] Listen to me when I tell you to do this thing.

[1182] Yeah, they do.

[1183] They start punctuating their movements to their sentence.

[1184] Yeah, you're right.

[1185] And you're also dyslexic, and obviously your life is so fucking busy with the four kids the trying to modulate mother in and out of places.

[1186] So clearly you didn't get any help, I'm guessing.

[1187] I think I was super.

[1188] late at fifth grade.

[1189] I learned to read in fifth grade finally.

[1190] But you were in high school and you really still can't read.

[1191] I'm like on a second or third grade level of reading.

[1192] And I'm just looking at the shape of words and guessing what they are.

[1193] I felt stupid.

[1194] I just knew I was stupid.

[1195] It's so fucking crazy talking to you that you could convince yourself of that.

[1196] But everybody was saying, you're so stupid.

[1197] Girl, you're stupid as hell.

[1198] You got to be the stupidest motherfucker I know.

[1199] Damn, you're dumb.

[1200] And you're so fast.

[1201] It's crazy.

[1202] You're actually brilliant.

[1203] Thank you.

[1204] The notion that this little girl would not know she's brilliant is like a fucking travesty.

[1205] But everybody is like, that's how you got to be careful how you talk to kids.

[1206] They're listening and you help paint their world.

[1207] And I didn't realize that they're stupid was saying I was funny.

[1208] Right.

[1209] That word is used to be funny too.

[1210] In fact, black folks use it a ton.

[1211] When I make black girls laugh, they always call me stupid.

[1212] You're so stupid.

[1213] Damn, you dumb as hell.

[1214] Yes.

[1215] You dumb than a motherfucker.

[1216] Yes.

[1217] I'm like, hey, I'm dumb.

[1218] Because you were already thinking that Or in your head Like I can't even read I'm already confused I hate to feel confused It's scary right That fucking feeling My sister's like You are just a control freak I'm not a control freak I just don't want to feel confused Because I don't like surprises Because you're trying to confuse me And then I'm gonna get all like And then they're gonna pull the rug out The shoes gonna drop I hate that shit So you start doing comedy at 17 16 Okay 16 or 17 You go to the left be 17.

[1219] You go to the laugh factory.

[1220] You got like a counselor.

[1221] Social worker.

[1222] Yeah, let's not dress it up.

[1223] It's not counselor.

[1224] It's a social worker.

[1225] Yeah.

[1226] Yeah.

[1227] Counselor is something completely separate.

[1228] I ended up getting in that court order just after.

[1229] But basically, he or she gives you a choice.

[1230] Go to the laugh factory.

[1231] This is why.

[1232] I mean, again, when you look back at your stories, like, some of these things are impossible that someone would have said that to you.

[1233] No, she gave me a choice.

[1234] Do you have gratitude for this woman?

[1235] Yeah, great gratitude.

[1236] I ended up calling her and thanking her.

[1237] And she's like, I just remember you being the nicest, sweetest, little girl, and you kind of knew what you wanted to do, and you always made your way to go do it.

[1238] We would tell you, no, you would figure out a way to make it happen.

[1239] I wanted to go to hell middle school, and they were like, no, you got to go to this school.

[1240] And I'm like, no, I'm going to hell middle school.

[1241] I would catch the RTD at the time.

[1242] It was an RTD back in the day, the public translated, take three hours to get there.

[1243] I did not care.

[1244] I'm going to this school.

[1245] And the police kept coming and get me and stuff, or a social worker, come and get me. Like, you're delinquent, you've got to go to this school.

[1246] And then I went in front of the judge, said, this is the school I want to go to and this is why.

[1247] And he's like, hey, let her go to that school.

[1248] Why does everyone care?

[1249] Most of these kids don't even want to go to school.

[1250] Whatever school you want to go to, you can go to that school.

[1251] We're happy you want to go to school.

[1252] Because you can't read.

[1253] I don't know what you're going to do there.

[1254] Man, I have fun.

[1255] I have fun getting people to read to me and I exercise my memory skills and communication skills.

[1256] Do you have a great memory?

[1257] Pretty good.

[1258] But it feels like once I started to really read, it started going down.

[1259] It dwindled away.

[1260] My theory on it, most dyslexics I know have a really, really good memory for all.

[1261] oral stuff.

[1262] So like anything I've heard, because it's the only way you were going to get the info.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] You tell me a story.

[1265] Like if I run to you in 12 years, I will remember most of this story.

[1266] Same here.

[1267] I love audiobooks.

[1268] I love taking newspaper articles and dropping it and speechify or I used to have that thing.

[1269] Remember back in the early 2000s where they had that pin that you could graze across the words and it was speak in a robot voice, speak it out loud to you?

[1270] No, I never had that.

[1271] You didn't have that?

[1272] I saved my money up to get that.

[1273] It was $56 and I got that bitch.

[1274] And I would scan it across words and it would say those stuff out loud.

[1275] And it made it easier for me to remember.

[1276] Just hearing other people say something is just way easier for me than reading it.

[1277] That's why I did good in college because mostly the professor tells you everything ultimately you got to know.

[1278] And I would just remember everything they said out loud.

[1279] When they speak, do you like look at their mouth, look at how they move their body.

[1280] When they say certain words, little ticks they do.

[1281] For lots of reasons.

[1282] And then I can memorize all that shit.

[1283] And then I could copy them later too.

[1284] What year were you at SMC?

[1285] It was 98.

[1286] I was there in 98, and then I went to UCLA in 99 in 2000.

[1287] We might have been wandering the campus together.

[1288] Were you in the drama classes?

[1289] Not at all.

[1290] I signed up for the theater program immediately, the Spanish class.

[1291] Ooh, I failed that one like so many times.

[1292] Man, I took Spanish so many damn times.

[1293] We always got like a D or C. That's better than I did.

[1294] I had to go take it at West L .A. college because I couldn't pass it at SMC.

[1295] I had to keep dropping it.

[1296] Like, I'd get to that day.

[1297] Now we're not going to pass this.

[1298] We got to get out of here.

[1299] So you should.

[1300] start doing stand -up, and are you immediately comfortable up there?

[1301] Yeah, I felt safest up there.

[1302] I had already won all these drama festivals.

[1303] It was the Southern California, whatever, drama competitions, and I had won in monologues already.

[1304] So I felt extremely comfortable, the safest place.

[1305] Like, nobody can hurt me up here.

[1306] There's a whole room full of witnesses if anybody tries to do something.

[1307] And I felt like the mastermind tickling people's souls, getting them to smile, getting them to laugh.

[1308] even if they didn't laugh just getting them to not make any sound whatsoever and just look at me even if they're just looking like I'm like they're not doing anything now yeah they're not aggressive I'm getting attention and it's not negative it doesn't hurt and so you have a long run of doing comedy and you're on every show that was ever made in some period before you end up as a regular you're on new girl you're on my name is earl between stand up and doing the Were you making a living?

[1309] I was doing okay.

[1310] I would have some months where it'd be like, oh shit, I don't know I'm paying my rent.

[1311] Let me try to talk to some more comedians.

[1312] The one thing I did realize, especially in comedy, it's about relationships.

[1313] If you want to make money in comedy, you need to be cool with other comedians.

[1314] Most of my jobs have come from other comics because comedians evolve into writers, producers, showrunners, directors.

[1315] They evolve into all these other things.

[1316] And they also end up becoming promoters, bookers for clubs in different shows and stuff.

[1317] So having those positive relationships created an opportunity for me to make money.

[1318] So if my money was getting really, really low, and I'm like, oh, shit, how am I going to pay my rent in this little car note for this raggedy car?

[1319] My million mile metro.

[1320] Right.

[1321] But I didn't I have paid it off.

[1322] Anyways, I would call different comics I knew that had rooms and be like, hey, do you need me to perform?

[1323] Hey, can I open up for you?

[1324] And a lot of times when I ask to open up for people, they would say, no, you can't open up for me. But I'm going to call such as such.

[1325] You know, I'm like, oh, I ended up in the hospital.

[1326] I got this crazy medical bill.

[1327] And my insurance isn't covering any of it.

[1328] So I need help.

[1329] I don't need you to give me money.

[1330] Can you tell me where I can get some money?

[1331] I call up comedy clubs constantly asking for spots.

[1332] You know, send cookies and make some dinner, bring it up to the bookers.

[1333] It seems like you have a good relationship with virtually every comedian.

[1334] When does Kevin Hart enter your life?

[1335] Kevin Hart enters my life early when I was like 24.

[1336] You were like living in your car when you guys met?

[1337] I knew him before.

[1338] And then I ended up living in my car.

[1339] Okay, the GM Metro.

[1340] Yes.

[1341] And we were doing a comedy playground together at the Laugh Factory on Wednesday night.

[1342] And it was like comedy playground featuring Kevin Hart.

[1343] And so we were his sidekicks.

[1344] We'd do these sketches and we would tell jokes.

[1345] And then they did this thing.

[1346] Ask a black woman and tiff tips.

[1347] Me on stage by myself.

[1348] I want to hear a tiff tip, actually.

[1349] What was the angle?

[1350] Dirty nails, dirty D. Get that thing away from me. You don't want to B .E .C. Keep the things away from me. So the Carmichael show, that's your first series regular role, right?

[1351] Yes.

[1352] And does that change your life?

[1353] That does make a huge adjustment to my life.

[1354] You know, you're getting these amount of paychecks.

[1355] I was supposed to have this many episodes and then.

[1356] They dropped down to this many episodes, and then, like, it might go up a few episodes.

[1357] That first season was a little dicey.

[1358] The second season was a lot better because they realized people like this character.

[1359] And then the third season, they fell back on using my character as much.

[1360] And I think that's because I got too expensive.

[1361] Sure.

[1362] Oh, sure.

[1363] But Lil Rel, we interviewed him in Toronto, and I like that dude so much.

[1364] That's like my bestie.

[1365] I had a hunch.

[1366] He's such a genuine sweet soul.

[1367] And we also interviewed Girard, which was incredible.

[1368] That was fun, too.

[1369] I love him, too.

[1370] 17 is the wildest year of your life.

[1371] It was a fast year.

[1372] My dad died that year.

[1373] Girl's trip came out that year.

[1374] My book came out that year.

[1375] My very first comedy special came out that year.

[1376] It was a lot.

[1377] Probably like 17 jobs that year.

[1378] Yeah.

[1379] I guess that's the year I become aware of you.

[1380] Remember being just an immediate, enormous fan of yours?

[1381] Like, oh, this is a very special force of nature, and she's here now, and this will be fun.

[1382] Thank you.

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] You were one of those people where everyone thinks, Not everyone, but a lot of people are like, oh my gosh, overnight success, never heard of her.

[1385] Now she's in 20.

[1386] I'm sure you've heard that a million times.

[1387] It's so crazy how long it takes to get to quote overnight success.

[1388] Yeah, by 2017, you're 38.

[1389] We left out hosting SNL and winning an Emmy for that.

[1390] That is a radical fucking...

[1391] I know.

[1392] And I auditioned for that show three times and didn't get it.

[1393] And now I know why.

[1394] And I'm glad.

[1395] Why didn't you get it?

[1396] I would have imploded in that environment.

[1397] It's a lot of pressure.

[1398] I don't think I was mentally strong enough.

[1399] I probably would have figured it out, but at first I would have felt to some really bad things.

[1400] I wasn't ready.

[1401] She was not ready.

[1402] She was supposed to be the host, not the cast.

[1403] And went an Emmy for it.

[1404] I mean, my God.

[1405] That part.

[1406] Pretty rad, too, to have auditioned, not got it, and then roll in as a host and be the best of the year and get an Emmy.

[1407] That's also a cool move.

[1408] That's a great move.

[1409] That's a great move.

[1410] Much better story.

[1411] And it'd be the first African -American female stand -up comedian to host.

[1412] Yeah.

[1413] Let me repeat that.

[1414] The very first African -American.

[1415] American Jewish stand -up comedian female to host.

[1416] Hold on.

[1417] Let's go again.

[1418] The very first dyslexic, African -American, Jewish female stand -up comedian to host.

[1419] Wow.

[1420] It's awesome.

[1421] Did you experience, because weirdly for me when everything came true, is when the addiction got the worst and when I was suicidal for the first time of my life.

[1422] Because I had had this story about if I had this and I had that and I had that, I was going to finally feel good and I was going to feel safe and I was going to feel optimistic and we'd be good.

[1423] And then I got all those things and I was like, I'm more scared than ever.

[1424] Why didn't that fix everything?

[1425] Did you have that moment?

[1426] My moment was a little different.

[1427] If there is addiction, which I don't think there is, but I was drinking the most when I was married because I didn't have to be super responsible for myself.

[1428] Like, because he said, I'm going to take care of.

[1429] I'm going to do this.

[1430] I'm like, well, fuck it then.

[1431] You do it.

[1432] Right.

[1433] I'll be back here tipping.

[1434] I feel like that's when I was getting really bad.

[1435] But once I got to that certain level of success that, I'm like, okay, this is past where I wanted to be, but this is great.

[1436] I wasn't sad because I'm where I want to be here.

[1437] This was not enough.

[1438] I was sad because my mom can't really enjoy it the way I would like her to enjoy it.

[1439] My grandma wasn't able to enjoy it the way I would have liked her to enjoy it.

[1440] My father is gone, and my friends are acting different.

[1441] It's gone from us helping each other and being there for each other to give me this, Tiffany.

[1442] Always hearing problems instead of laughing.

[1443] laughing with each other and enjoying each other like we normally would.

[1444] It was so funny the first time somebody was like, yeah, Tiffany, I need a little help.

[1445] I need some help with some money.

[1446] I'm like, okay, cool, what you need?

[1447] And I'm thinking they're going to say, like, how we've always said to each other, $100, $200 or something.

[1448] They're like, yeah, I'm going to need like $20 ,000.

[1449] Oh, my God.

[1450] $20 ,000.

[1451] The fuck?

[1452] I had the exact same moment, and the person said $56 ,000.

[1453] And I go, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1454] And they're like, oh, I had just gotten myself in all this debt.

[1455] And I know if I could clear it out this way, I wouldn't have to pay the thing.

[1456] and I'll pay you back.

[1457] And I was like, 56.

[1458] They won't pay you back, though.

[1459] No, no. They'll never pay you back.

[1460] And I've developed a policy.

[1461] At first, my policy was, if you need this money, I will lend you half of the money.

[1462] And if you can pay me back by my birthday, great.

[1463] If you can't pay me back, I still love you.

[1464] But you just never can ask me for money again.

[1465] That's a pretty lenient policy.

[1466] People started resenting me. They started being really mean and nasty to me. So then my new policy now is, I love you.

[1467] And I really value our friendship.

[1468] I prefer.

[1469] you to be my actual friend.

[1470] But if you need this money, then I'll give it to you.

[1471] But no, it's going to alter this.

[1472] Know that we probably won't be friends anymore because I don't want you to resent me. Because they weirdly resent you.

[1473] Yeah, because you remind them, too, that they owe.

[1474] Every time they see you, they're getting like new shoes and shit and you're like, new cars.

[1475] That's how you went on vacation.

[1476] That's cool.

[1477] That looked fun.

[1478] Yeah.

[1479] And they say they're going to pay, I'm going to get the money.

[1480] And it's like, okay, four years have gone by bitch.

[1481] And then they're like, new titties, new this, new that.

[1482] Are those my titties?

[1483] Tommy Tug.

[1484] Like BBLs.

[1485] What is that my ass?

[1486] Is some of my money on that ass?

[1487] You're walking around with my ass.

[1488] I felt just very disappointed in people.

[1489] Already my expectations was very low for people before then because of all the stuff that happened as a teenager and in my 20s.

[1490] But at that point, I'm holding an expectation for you at the bottom of the barrel and you just went underneath the fucking barrel.

[1491] So now I'm like zero expectation.

[1492] I expect everyone to be a piece of shit at some point, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

[1493] But I'm not going to let you get close enough.

[1494] to be the full piece of shit that you could potentially be.

[1495] So everyone's sort of out a tiny bit of an arm's length.

[1496] You don't think that's long.

[1497] I think that's a little...

[1498] Uh -uh, because...

[1499] Uh -uh.

[1500] Uh -uh.

[1501] No, I kind of like this.

[1502] I get to look at everybody.

[1503] And I can spend time over here, spend time over here, but I'm spending time at a distance.

[1504] And what I love is I've developed this thing where once a month I have a game night and I invite all the people that I care about to the game night.

[1505] And it's so many people that want some of my time that want to spend one -on -one time with me and all this stuff.

[1506] But it's too many people here now.

[1507] You get a little bit You get a little bit You get five minutes You get 10 You might get 25 And we're playing games And now if you want to ask me For money You gotta ask me in front of everybody If you want to ask me For some shit You have asked me In front of everybody Somebody's liable to come interrupt this conversation If you ask me For some weird ass shit But then who gets your secrets Your sister?

[1508] Who do you have In your life Who you can just be full?

[1509] I don't keep no fucking secrets No fucking secrets No more Fuck secrets Well that's also a good policy Yeah Just say it all Well, yeah, I read a thing.

[1510] So I'm like you in that.

[1511] I'll just say everything.

[1512] And then I'll get compliments for being honest.

[1513] But I also know that I don't deserve them so much.

[1514] What's really happening with me and I feel like it's the same with you is I refuse to let anyone shame me. I already lived in that out of my youth.

[1515] Right.

[1516] So I'll just get it out there before you can even try to fucking shame me. Every time I shit my pants, I come in here on the podcast for millions of people.

[1517] I say, shit my pants this morning.

[1518] You did?

[1519] Not today, but a lot of days.

[1520] Once a year I do.

[1521] Diarrhea?

[1522] Yeah, a little bit.

[1523] It's never a full of vac.

[1524] I've never had a log in my pants.

[1525] The first time that happened to me was like the day after my 21st birthday.

[1526] I realize I can't drink brown liquor.

[1527] Oh, yeah.

[1528] Alcohols.

[1529] No, brown liquor is not good for me. Yes, we're going to work.

[1530] Not for your wardrobe.

[1531] No, no, no, no, no. And I was at work, picked up a suitcase again.

[1532] And I was wearing a thong.

[1533] Oh, cut the shit.

[1534] I'd fill down my leg.

[1535] And they would not let me go home.

[1536] I had to rip the lining out of my uniform.

[1537] uniform pants, throw my panties away.

[1538] Oh, it's so humiliating.

[1539] Get rid of my socks.

[1540] Neighbys try to call me doodoo girl.

[1541] Hey, doodle girl.

[1542] I'm like, what?

[1543] You had called me dooky girl.

[1544] Do do, do, do.

[1545] I ain't perfect.

[1546] Ain't nothing wrong with that.

[1547] You kind of are, though.

[1548] No, I'm not.

[1549] Yeah, you're pretty radical.

[1550] I've been farting over here the whole time.

[1551] That's perfect.

[1552] You're falling in love with me. That's my love spell.

[1553] Elixir.

[1554] Now, when you wrote Last Black Unicorn, also 17, you told your story.

[1555] Did you think at the time you wrote that book, like, I'll write this book and that'll be that.

[1556] Or did you get a sense that you would also write again?

[1557] I thought I'd write that book.

[1558] And then it was so many pages.

[1559] I was like, I'm going to have to do another one because this is too long.

[1560] I don't like super long books.

[1561] So I took a bunch of stuff out.

[1562] And I didn't elaborate.

[1563] So you had a pile of things that you liked and did want to share, but just out of space, you were like, we got a pair of this down.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] And then I put it in this new book that's coming out May 7th.

[1566] I curse you with joy.

[1567] There's a million.

[1568] wonderful stories in it we could talk about it's not a million okay you're right that'd be too long be way too fucking long too much shit there's probably 25 30 stories in it how about that a perfect amount of stories how about that enough to make a movie stay tuned for more firemchair expert if you dare so I do want you to tell one of them because my favorite actor of all time Nick Cage he's my dude tell me your Nick Cage story there's a an actual chapter called Nick Cage.

[1569] Yeah, I probably should have sent that to him before I did it, huh?

[1570] No, he'll love it.

[1571] How could he not love this?

[1572] I'm jealous at Nick Cage when I read that story.

[1573] So I was 17, in that movie Faceoff came out.

[1574] I'm in the movie theater with this guy on the date.

[1575] I'm making out.

[1576] He starts filling around.

[1577] And you haven't done any of this yet?

[1578] I have never had an orgasm before.

[1579] Okay.

[1580] Now, here's finger in him.

[1581] Now I'm enjoying it.

[1582] You're more romantic in the story?

[1583] You want me to do it the sexy way?

[1584] I wrote it in a more romantic.

[1585] When I tell it to a man, I just make it more, you know.

[1586] Well, we have a big female listener base.

[1587] When I tell it to the ladies, like, if it was just me and her in here, I'd be like, so first.

[1588] Yeah.

[1589] Think of me as a lady.

[1590] I like the buildup.

[1591] Okay.

[1592] So we at the movies.

[1593] Oh, my God.

[1594] Nobody else is there.

[1595] Like an 8 o 'clock movie?

[1596] It's like a late night movie and nobody else was in the theater.

[1597] We're in the back of the theater.

[1598] He knew.

[1599] He was a pro.

[1600] He was definitely a pro.

[1601] He was like three or four years older than me. Wow.

[1602] He's like 21.

[1603] He can drink.

[1604] He can try.

[1605] He knows how to try.

[1606] He had a raggedy votes wagon and we're in there, we're in the theater and we're watching a movie and the movie's pretty good and we start making it out.

[1607] We start kissing.

[1608] And then he started feeling all over my body, exploring places and everything.

[1609] And going all up under my skirt and everything.

[1610] Wrapping on the outside of my panties.

[1611] What a pro.

[1612] He wrote.

[1613] He took his time.

[1614] And now I'm trying to act.

[1615] I'm watching a movie and he kisses me on my neck and stuff and I'm like looking at the movie and everything and looking at him smelling his ear oh he started by licking your ear no he was like kissing on my neck oh he did lick my ear a little bit yes he did oh you remember that part of course I do I remember every step of this it's funny because now I do not want anybody to ever fucking lick my ears because I have been through some other shit after that this is before I was damaged okay before I was destroyed four of the eggs were not cracked yet before I was really Before I keloid scarred on my soul of ecstasy So You know, he's doing all this stuff Whatever to me And then he's under my skirt And he's like feeling around In between them lips and everything And I'm like, oh my God I never felt nothing like this before And he's like fiddling the thing And I'm like Oh my goodness, my eyes is closed And then I open my eyes And when I open my eyes The camera It's on Nicholas Cage's eyes Close up on his eyes So it's his eyes And my eyes are locking in And I am having an orgasm.

[1616] Your first orgasm with somebody.

[1617] Not in your life.

[1618] In my life?

[1619] You hadn't played with yourself?

[1620] Fuck, no. No. It was the 1900s.

[1621] What pornography was available to me to know how to masturbate?

[1622] Okay.

[1623] You hadn't humped a pillow or?

[1624] No. Okay.

[1625] No, I'm not accusing you anything.

[1626] I had to have to teddy bear and stuff before, but not to like orgasm.

[1627] Not to the climax.

[1628] Just like humping a bear a little bit like, oh, that tick us.

[1629] That feels weird.

[1630] Yeah, that's good.

[1631] With tight jeans.

[1632] Ooh, that's crazy.

[1633] I never had an orgasm before.

[1634] And your locked eyes with Nicholas Cage.

[1635] Oh, locked eyes with Nicholas Cage.

[1636] And I'm like, am I peeing?

[1637] I don't know what's happening right now.

[1638] I'm not making any noise.

[1639] I'm just like, I guess I am making noise.

[1640] My feet are going up and he's like, yeah, that's it, that's it, that's it, girl.

[1641] And I'm like, oh, this is so exciting.

[1642] Holding a fucking stare with Nicholas Cage.

[1643] And it was like, bam.

[1644] So then cut to the unbearable way to massive talent.

[1645] And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm going to work with Nicholas Cage, and I'm doing scenes with Nicholas Cage.

[1646] And you never bumped into him.

[1647] He's very elusive.

[1648] Never bumped into it before.

[1649] Yeah, I guess so.

[1650] Or you got to be in karaoke places.

[1651] Reptile houses.

[1652] I don't know.

[1653] We're going to be in a haunted house.

[1654] So I get to set, and it's COVID.

[1655] I've been in lockdown in Leaks for two weeks.

[1656] They've already been filming.

[1657] I get to set.

[1658] There's a guy from me in this hot pink leather jacket and all this stuff.

[1659] There's all these patches all over in Mr. Vegas or whatever.

[1660] And I'm like, oh, fuck, that's Nicholas Cage.

[1661] And we start rehearsing the scene.

[1662] and he has his mask on and so it's just the eyes.

[1663] It's isolating just the eyes.

[1664] Oh, my God.

[1665] And my body is like, yo, those are the eyes.

[1666] And I'm like, uh, no, no, gross, no. There's this whole conflict going on and I'm like having the hardest time saying my lines.

[1667] I'm having the hardest time doing anything.

[1668] It's like I just learned how to fucking act that morning.

[1669] I'm the way that's at.

[1670] Like, it is fucking horrible.

[1671] They didn't even use any of us.

[1672] scenes in the movie.

[1673] Because it was so bad.

[1674] I'm sure the director's like, why did I hire this bitch?

[1675] Why do they say she's great?

[1676] I don't get it.

[1677] I don't understand.

[1678] And I asked for a rehearsal beforehand.

[1679] I was kind of nervous.

[1680] Yeah.

[1681] So then I said, you know what?

[1682] I got to tell you story.

[1683] And it's probably very inappropriate but I think it's the only way I'm going to be able to get through this.

[1684] It's the only way that my brain is going to be able to calibrate and focus because this is not who I am.

[1685] It's too loud in my brain.

[1686] And you're looking at me with your eyes.

[1687] Are you using your eyes to look at me?

[1688] Looking at me with your nostrils, if you're just looking at me with just like your cheek.

[1689] I got to tell you the story.

[1690] He was like, go ahead and tell me. I said, but it's very inappropriate.

[1691] I don't want you to take it to the wrong.

[1692] It's inappropriate.

[1693] He was like, I can handle an inappropriate.

[1694] Tell me, what's going on?

[1695] What's going to tell me?

[1696] And I was like, all right, I'm going to tell you.

[1697] So I told him the story.

[1698] But you gave him the quick one, obviously.

[1699] Did you tell him, like, kissing and the knack?

[1700] No, no, I gave him to a quick version.

[1701] The cliff notes of it.

[1702] And he burst out laughing.

[1703] Of course.

[1704] And he was like, oh, that's crazy.

[1705] You know, my first watch.

[1706] I saw me in a movie, or she was on a date with a car.

[1707] She said, I'm going to marry that guy.

[1708] And then we got married.

[1709] And I'll say, none of that's going to be happening over here, right?

[1710] I just need to say that.

[1711] What if he took you two face off?

[1712] He found it playing somewhere in Budapest, then he took you there, still off the table.

[1713] I mean, he's married.

[1714] We got to forget.

[1715] He wasn't married yet at the time.

[1716] They were engaged.

[1717] And if he would have offered to take me to the movies to see that, I'd have been like, I've seen it already.

[1718] I'd much rather go karaoke Maybe we can go see Dracula's castle or something Let's go look at a palace I would much rather do a lunch I told my story And then it was like the best work day ever And we hit it off immediately And he started telling me stories about industry stuff I start telling him stories about stuff We became friends Is he rad?

[1719] I want him to be rad so much Red?

[1720] Rad Rad Rad Yeah white boy talk I haven't heard that shit is so long I've ever heard that since 999 he is rad some of the other actors were feeling some type of way because they're like we've been waiting for all this time and he hasn't been talking to us like that I said you didn't share a story about you having an orgasm for the first good jerk off watching face off then come in tomorrow and I'm like no I'm sure he likes you they're like no he doesn't like me he doesn't talk to me he doesn't talk to me he likes to have conversations with you but I was asking him questions too like how do you manage being in this business what was it like you were so young, what do you feel like was your biggest pitfalls?

[1721] What was the things that knocked you off your rocker that you just couldn't believe happened?

[1722] Where were the good moments?

[1723] What did you do with your money?

[1724] How did you make it grow?

[1725] And he was like, shit, I fucked my money off.

[1726] You're kind of like, oh, that's the fucking, very famously.

[1727] In fact, you should have avoided that question.

[1728] If you did not a little more research.

[1729] He had castles and he had a business manager that was fucked up.

[1730] And he told me. Because also, that was in the movie.

[1731] Yeah, yeah, true.

[1732] I was like, how did you let that slide by?

[1733] He was like, I was out there.

[1734] I was doing this.

[1735] I was doing that.

[1736] Working his hands off.

[1737] Like, fucking just, who pays attention to that shit when you're fucking making money?

[1738] He's right.

[1739] And he's like, Tiffany, what are you doing?

[1740] You need to make sure you do this.

[1741] So I love talking to people that have made those mistakes.

[1742] Yeah, that's true.

[1743] Because they can tell you how to avoid them.

[1744] And I'm telling him, this is what I want to do.

[1745] Like, every time I do a movie, I'm going to buy a piece of land, put it in a business or a trust for my family and do this, put in my family.

[1746] He's like, how many kids do you have?

[1747] I'm like, oh, I don't have any kids, man. He's like, what do you care about the family?

[1748] And I'm like, no, because I'm going to be all.

[1749] one day, and I'm going to need somebody to take care of me. They're probably going to want to get money for it.

[1750] He's like, you're very smart, very intelligent young life.

[1751] And then it meant so much to me to hear him say that I was smart.

[1752] I would come on set and he would be like, Tudor!

[1753] Like, he would light up.

[1754] Of course.

[1755] Wouldn't it be so funny if the rest of the cast every day would go up to him and make up a story about when they orgasmed in front of him so that he could start loving them too?

[1756] But I didn't tell all of them what I said because some of them didn't speak English, but also because I felt like it was inappropriate.

[1757] Like, you shouldn't be telling your coworkers.

[1758] Yeah, and you generally know.

[1759] I was bombing hard.

[1760] Also, and it was respectful the way I did it.

[1761] Also, much better if a woman's telling a dude that story than a dude telling a woman.

[1762] Like, if you're a young actor, male on set and you're with an older actress, you don't need to tell her that you came watching her eyes.

[1763] It's gendered a little bit, too.

[1764] I mean, I'm going to be honest with you.

[1765] When you hit 60, some young buck.

[1766] When I'm, like, 60, 70 years old and I had some young guy.

[1767] That's true.

[1768] I was watching girls' trip and you were really handling that banana.

[1769] And this girl that I like was like, oh, let me try that.

[1770] And it was like, yo.

[1771] And I just wanted to thank you, Tiffany.

[1772] And I would say, you're welcome.

[1773] And you know what?

[1774] I'm not going to do that for you, young man. That's someone else's job.

[1775] These mortgages.

[1776] Oh, that's great.

[1777] I wanted to ask you one thing about dating because I feel so bad for every woman who has become powerful and shiny.

[1778] I can not handle that?

[1779] But what's even worse than they can't handle it, they're attracted to it.

[1780] I'm thinking of the billionaire.

[1781] The story that I heard that to me really illustrates what you're up against when you're a powerful woman who has her own thing going is.

[1782] They're attracted to that so much.

[1783] But then the second they're with it, they're so threatened by it that they want you to stop it.

[1784] Is that the pattern of a lot of these?

[1785] I think even the poor man. Yeah.

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] They're threatened by the attention and the other people you know.

[1788] and that you make your own shit.

[1789] You don't need them that's threatening.

[1790] I think that's why a lot of successful women turn into lesbians.

[1791] Interesting.

[1792] Because women don't have that problem like men do, or not nearly as much.

[1793] Exactly.

[1794] Another woman is not going to be like, oh, she makes more money to me, fuck this bitch.

[1795] They're going to be like, she makes more money to me, and I keep that house clean, and we go on fucking awesome trips, and we have a blast.

[1796] Right.

[1797] And she fucking body rocks the shit out of it.

[1798] Like, she's so affectionate towards me or whatever.

[1799] They're not threatened by it.

[1800] No, and the other woman's not feeling like, well, I do all this shit for her.

[1801] There's an even exchange.

[1802] I think it's possible between a man and a woman.

[1803] But that's why, like, I don't ever spend more than $20 on a dude unless it's a business thing and it's like, oh, I sent flowers.

[1804] Or he works for me and he's doing this thing.

[1805] And it's still not me. It's the company that's doing that shit.

[1806] I'm not doing that shit.

[1807] But the field of men you have to select from is really, really small.

[1808] Men that are so confident in who they are that they're not threatened by how much you have going on.

[1809] Yeah.

[1810] Or not threatened by other.

[1811] rich men being around.

[1812] Or movie stars.

[1813] I don't think I'll ever fuck a movie star, ever.

[1814] You've never fucked a single movie star?

[1815] I fucked a entertainer.

[1816] Okay.

[1817] That could be anything.

[1818] They could be a sports person.

[1819] I don't think I'll ever do that again.

[1820] Really?

[1821] I think I'll fuck one again, but never be in a relationship.

[1822] There we go.

[1823] Because you think they're more sensitive to this ism?

[1824] Girl, yes.

[1825] They egos, you know.

[1826] And then I think men really want you to be submissive.

[1827] And I am submissive, but not in all realms.

[1828] Yeah.

[1829] You're not going to extinguish your flame to make someone else feel better.

[1830] No, you can't do that.

[1831] That's such a betrayal of yourself.

[1832] And a lot of men want that, right?

[1833] Either stop doing all the shit you're doing or let me pimp you out.

[1834] Let me run your business.

[1835] Let me decide where you get to perform.

[1836] Let me decide when you get to go on vacation.

[1837] And I wouldn't mind that so much if it was a we thing.

[1838] We decide when I work this job.

[1839] When a man makes me feel like I'm his property, I'm his little dog that he walks or that he shows off at a phone.

[1840] Yeah, show pony.

[1841] I do not like that shit at all.

[1842] I don't mind if we go to the party and he's like, look at it.

[1843] Don't she look so good?

[1844] I love his dress on her.

[1845] That's great.

[1846] Cute.

[1847] Borderline for me. It is borderline.

[1848] Dudes who date someone that's attractive because they want to get the approval from other people, your dude should say all that to you at home.

[1849] But those dudes that are really showing, I'm always like, what's going on here?

[1850] You really don't need to do that with me because people already.

[1851] You're already wowing people.

[1852] I got a DUI and that shit was on the Korean news.

[1853] I am popping.

[1854] Korean news.

[1855] I'm popping, motherfucker.

[1856] I'm international.

[1857] Any studios say she's not international.

[1858] Be like Google.

[1859] Was your DUI in the Korean news?

[1860] First of all, Google famous black women who have been arrested for DUI.

[1861] There's nobody else.

[1862] Yeah, I don't think I know of one off the top of my head.

[1863] But I didn't know about yours until I was researching you today.

[1864] But I got a talk argument with this other female comic because she's like, you just ruined your whole fucking career.

[1865] I said, ruin my career.

[1866] If anything, I'm able to prove to the studios that I'm international, bitch.

[1867] I'm on that level, bitch.

[1868] And I won't be on this level forever.

[1869] But you know what?

[1870] It was me and Josephine Baker that popped up in the motherfucking article.

[1871] Me and Josephine, motherfucking baker.

[1872] That bitch is a legend.

[1873] She gets off to a bunch of kids.

[1874] I got 40 kids living in my goddamn units and shit.

[1875] I'm doing something, bitch.

[1876] That's how I felt about it.

[1877] And she was like, excuse me. What was the hardest chapter to write for I curse you with joy?

[1878] There was one that was super hard, and I ended up taking it out because I felt like I don't want to talk about it.

[1879] What I learned from the first book is you're going to have to talk about it.

[1880] Well, yeah, there's a whole section where you're answering the fucking questions that you can't escape from the first book.

[1881] Let me just finally tell you the answers of this and you can just pipe down about it.

[1882] I'm relive it.

[1883] I'm done with it.

[1884] It is what it is?

[1885] But one in the book that made it were you on the fence about?

[1886] Maybe the getting stoned one, because I didn't want to sound racist.

[1887] Tell us the getting stone one.

[1888] You didn't read it?

[1889] I didn't read the getting stoned one.

[1890] Do you know what happened?

[1891] Yeah, this is behind the curtain.

[1892] This has never happened to us in six and a half years.

[1893] You were in the schedule for tomorrow.

[1894] I was?

[1895] Yes, as was an expert on compassion.

[1896] We're recording another show we do at 10 o 'clock this morning.

[1897] And all of a sudden, Rob goes, oh, my God, the expert's five minutes away.

[1898] And we go, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1899] That's tomorrow.

[1900] Everything that was in Thursday's schedule was supposed to happen today, which has never happened in six and half years.

[1901] And I immediately was like, Tiffany's going to be here in four hours.

[1902] Like, I need to read this book.

[1903] So I read as much of it as I could.

[1904] So I'm not going to lie to you.

[1905] But normally, because we had this bizarre fuckup, I would have known the getting high story.

[1906] Are your feelings hurt by that?

[1907] I just want to check out.

[1908] No, no, I'm not because I probably wouldn't have read it either.

[1909] Well, no, I did as much as I humanly could.

[1910] I did as much as I humanly could.

[1911] I drank some tea with somebody, some marijuana tea.

[1912] We had some conversations.

[1913] And she wanted me to get a arrested with her.

[1914] And I'm like, yo, if I get arrested, they might not let my ass out.

[1915] They're going to let your white ass out.

[1916] Why didn't you want to get arrested?

[1917] To protest something?

[1918] Yes, protest.

[1919] You know white women when they want to get arrested, why they want to get arrested.

[1920] That is not racist.

[1921] Well, I did say some shit in there, like, your white ass is going to be out the next day.

[1922] They might decide to make an example of me and keep me. Exactly, yeah.

[1923] They like to make examples of people like me. You getting arrested is a totally different?

[1924] It is.

[1925] Listen, I'm going to be honest with you, when I started hearing the term white privilege.

[1926] I'm like, my life didn't feel all that fucking privilege.

[1927] I got defensive.

[1928] I'm like, what was the privilege?

[1929] But then I was like, oh, but you know what?

[1930] I was a hardcore addict for 10 years.

[1931] I was in and out of the hood buying crack.

[1932] I got pulled over all the time fucked up.

[1933] No one ever searched me. And I was like, okay, real talk, I would have been in prison.

[1934] So fast.

[1935] If you was a black man, it's just the way you are?

[1936] Yes.

[1937] No, I'm dead.

[1938] Especially if you had them same eyes and you had skin the color of mine.

[1939] Maybe you would have got locked up so fast and you would have been somebody's bitch.

[1940] Probably worse.

[1941] The way I talked to people, I would have got shot.

[1942] That all hit me where I was like, oh, yeah, despite all the shit and the government cheese, I got to be an addict in a way that no black dude can be an addict.

[1943] You got to have a comeback, like Grace.

[1944] Where's the dude from, um, is it Roger?

[1945] What you talk about Willie?

[1946] Oh, J .J. Oh, what did you talk about Willie's?

[1947] The older brother, Michael something.

[1948] His name's not Michael something.

[1949] But he never got to say.

[1950] The older brother.

[1951] Yeah, he was on drugs.

[1952] He was selling drugs, doing drugs, all that stuff, no comeback.

[1953] What black male actor or female actor, which one has come back from that?

[1954] Who's the black Robert Downey Jr.?

[1955] Right.

[1956] Yeah, it's true.

[1957] Well, now you've stumped me, but I'm going to mold this over.

[1958] I'm inclined to think you're dead right and that there isn't a single example.

[1959] I don't even know any women.

[1960] I know of women that have done drugs.

[1961] Well, the person, though, that I'll say a sports person, and not to contradict you.

[1962] I take your point in you're dead right.

[1963] So I'm not trying to contradict you.

[1964] I'm talking about - But Daryl Strawberry.

[1965] He had the most publicized drug habit and was in the news all the time.

[1966] and he is in all these documentaries now and he's very loved again and people have a lot of compassion I'm so grateful for it because he's such a sweet fucking guy But is he playing baseball anymore?

[1967] Well he kind of passed his window of playing professional baseball Right There's no comeback Is he a coach?

[1968] Is he a team manager?

[1969] Most baseball players They end up becoming what Like coaches, team managers, owners, something.

[1970] Point taken, I agree with you.

[1971] Privilege.

[1972] Yeah.

[1973] And I'm hoping my white privilege kick in at some point.

[1974] I'm betting on my 17%.

[1975] Well, Tiffany, this was every bet as fun as I hope to be.

[1976] I have not written any other actor more DMs on Instagram than I have you over the year.

[1977] Is that true?

[1978] Yeah, I've sent messages.

[1979] I have to find out right now.

[1980] I stay out of the DMs because it'd be penises that pop up.

[1981] I don't fuck with DMs either.

[1982] So when I send it, I'm not expecting really anything, but I've sent.

[1983] them because I'm a huge fan.

[1984] Let's see.

[1985] It's Dax Shepherd, right?

[1986] Yeah, I think so.

[1987] And you DM me?

[1988] Yes, ma 'am.

[1989] You DM this Tiffany Haddish that has a blue checkmark.

[1990] Yes.

[1991] What if it was the other?

[1992] Because you don't even follow me, sir.

[1993] Listen, I'm going to start crafting you one.

[1994] See if it pops.

[1995] And see if my history.

[1996] I just sent you one.

[1997] Because you are a lot.

[1998] Scary.

[1999] I'm scared.

[2000] I am too.

[2001] Did you DM my Twitter?

[2002] This is on Instagram.

[2003] I bet it's Twitter.

[2004] You're right.

[2005] Per diem to me is you a lie.

[2006] Let me go look on my ex account.

[2007] Yeah, but I don't have one anymore.

[2008] I quit it like a year and a half ago.

[2009] Oh, because you didn't want to pay.

[2010] That was before that.

[2011] I was just like, this place makes me upset, and I get my feelings hurt here.

[2012] Why am I here?

[2013] Maybe there might be some old messages in there for me because you said.

[2014] But I've gone.

[2015] I don't know how that's going to come up.

[2016] This was a full disaster.

[2017] This was a major disaster because I have sent you DMs, and I don't really know how to explain this.

[2018] And I asked Ike Barronow.

[2019] We could call Ike right now.

[2020] And I've asked everyone I know.

[2021] We've definitely asked your people a lot.

[2022] That I can vouch for, for sure.

[2023] Do we need to pull up those emails?

[2024] She's on the case.

[2025] I feel like I'm getting the experience of what it would be like if we were dating for three months.

[2026] And we were dating for three months?

[2027] You thought I lied to me?

[2028] You thought I lied to you?

[2029] Oh, for real?

[2030] Look me in the eyes.

[2031] Do you think I really didn't send you DMs that I haven't tried to reach out to you?

[2032] I think that you sent DMs.

[2033] I think that you sent DMs.

[2034] to the wrong Tiffany Haddish.

[2035] I think you've been...

[2036] I think you've been manipulated.

[2037] Because there's a lot of people that pretend to be me online and they're not me. Was there a blue check mark?

[2038] That is something also you might do on accident.

[2039] The silver lining of this...

[2040] Getting to know you.

[2041] Getting to know all about you.

[2042] Oh, look at this.

[2043] Getting to like you.

[2044] Getting to snoop on you.

[2045] Getting to know you like me. I like you.

[2046] I like you.

[2047] I like you a lot.

[2048] I've never gone to pick up a guest, but I would a hundred more times.

[2049] Thank you.

[2050] What if I would have told you?

[2051] I'm at the police station.

[2052] I need you to get me out of here.

[2053] I'm being serious.

[2054] Do you have this?

[2055] When you know other people have had your thing, I, without knowing you would probably be a lot.

[2056] I know I'm supposed to be there right now, but I'm here at the police station.

[2057] If you could come get me. You heard his story.

[2058] He's dying to pick people up at the police station.

[2059] I know.

[2060] I know.

[2061] I know how to get to all of them.

[2062] That would have been a way better story to tell them.

[2063] too.

[2064] Tiffany, how did you end up at the police station?

[2065] So what had happened was, what I witnessed was.

[2066] But I'm being sincere, when you know people have been through the shit, kids who are going through it, who have been through the shit, who are scared of the adults in their house, I will be there for those people.

[2067] So, like, if I think, or I know, I heard, you got in a carceton, I'm like, oh, I'll go right now.

[2068] I was shocked when you said that.

[2069] I'm coming.

[2070] It could have been anywhere.

[2071] Really?

[2072] Yes.

[2073] But I was right down the street.

[2074] Unfortunately, I don't get to prove it.

[2075] You're going to have to get fucked up somewhere, like, down in Orange County.

[2076] I'm going to call.

[2077] Korean news.

[2078] We'll hear all about it.

[2079] Oh, my gosh.

[2080] You know what's crazy, too?

[2081] I was like, dang, I need to be back driving my Volkswagen Eos.

[2082] I ain't driven it in a minute.

[2083] Well, you're going to be.

[2084] Yeah, I'm going to be driving.

[2085] If you had a necessity for the next few days.

[2086] What kind of car I want now?

[2087] Tiffany, I love this, and it was everything I thought it might be.

[2088] And I'm really excited that we got to have you.

[2089] I'm excited, too.

[2090] I hope everyone gets, I curse you with joy.

[2091] You know what it makes me think of a little bit?

[2092] is thank them honey.

[2093] Octavia.

[2094] Oh, yeah.

[2095] Octavia's got the greatest, thank them, honey.

[2096] No matter what, they lowball her.

[2097] Thank them, honey.

[2098] Yeah, I forgot about that.

[2099] I curse you with joy.

[2100] It's kind of like, thank him, honey.

[2101] Well, I like that.

[2102] Bless your heart.

[2103] That's when I be really mad.

[2104] I really don't want to fuck with you.

[2105] Bless your heart.

[2106] It's a mess.

[2107] Bless you.

[2108] All right, Tiffany.

[2109] Now I'm going to drive you home.

[2110] Thank you, honey.

[2111] This will continue.

[2112] Another entire episode of the, the car ride home.

[2113] My phone is charged up a little bit.

[2114] We'll put the audio record.

[2115] Audio record.

[2116] Look at me as a kid.

[2117] Oh.

[2118] Oh, no. That was a good time.

[2119] Oh, that was before the keyloid.

[2120] She deserved all the stuff.

[2121] Smiling at my granny.

[2122] Oh, sweet.

[2123] Oh, grandparents.

[2124] Aren't they the greatest?

[2125] They're the best thing in the world.

[2126] I wish I could resurrect people.

[2127] The only thing that breaks my heart, I don't ever get this feeling work.

[2128] I wish someone could see me succeed or be proud of me. I would kill to bring my Papa Bob back.

[2129] to life and just hang with them for a few days in my life and go like, I'm kind of here because of you.

[2130] Yeah.

[2131] Thank you.

[2132] Thank you.

[2133] Thanks for being such a sweet man. I mean, I used to tell my grandma, thank you all the time and like, look at her in the eyes.

[2134] I love you.

[2135] And she'd be like, girl, calm down.

[2136] You're being weird.

[2137] Go ahead, clean and wrong much.

[2138] And I was just loved hugging her and smelling her wigs and stuff.

[2139] She heard it, though.

[2140] Sometimes I'll be putting her wigs on now.

[2141] All right.

[2142] Adore you.

[2143] I'm weird.

[2144] Everyone read, I curse you with joy.

[2145] I sir hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom Mrs. Monica comes in and tells us what was wrong.

[2146] Yeah.

[2147] We're your daughter.

[2148] I take naps at random times, too.

[2149] All these patterns are emerging.

[2150] Between me and Aaron?

[2151] You, Aaron, Charlie.

[2152] Not that he naps, but like figuring out that I only hang out with people that are athletically superior to me. And now this one, I'm drawn to nappers.

[2153] I napped yesterday.

[2154] I used to nap a lot, a lot, a lot.

[2155] I don't really anymore unless I'm really tired or often the week leading up to my period, which is now.

[2156] I don't know why.

[2157] I feel bad for you.

[2158] I rarely get hit with that.

[2159] It'll happen occasionally with jet lag or an illness where it's like you get to one hour of the day.

[2160] It's like 1 p .m. and all of a sudden you go like, oh, I have to lay down right now.

[2161] Your body's like, like, I quit.

[2162] Oh, look who's here.

[2163] Were you taking a nap?

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] He knew it.

[2166] I knew it.

[2167] And then Monica said, I took a nap yesterday, and I said, well, we're really discovering some patterns about who I'm drawn to.

[2168] Nappers.

[2169] Super athletic nappers.

[2170] It's not fair to call me super athletic.

[2171] Counterintuitive, too.

[2172] I don't associate super athletes with also nappers.

[2173] Well, you have to nap to rejuvenate your muscles.

[2174] Yeah.

[2175] I actually do think that's why partly I napped.

[2176] Okay, this is a great thing for us to talk about.

[2177] Right.

[2178] I'm in a dilemma.

[2179] Oh, great.

[2180] We'll have advice, whether it's right or wrong.

[2181] I need both of your advice.

[2182] So I'm back on my wogs.

[2183] In case Aaron doesn't know.

[2184] Yeah.

[2185] Oh, my wog is a lap of walking, then two laps of walking.

[2186] running lap walking two laps running well to say jogging so that wog makes sense no but but it's running because i'm running fast um the combo then you should call it a wan no okay okay you're branding's a is you were you asking a branding question well no i guess it's a jog and then i'm not sprinting but i'm running at a pace like i'm not just like i'm running this you're not gonna like this okay and i don't think there's any science to what i'm about to say But I think anything over an eight -minute mile is a jog, and anything sub -seven's a run.

[2187] Sub -seven or sub -eight?

[2188] I know.

[2189] That's weird.

[2190] Let's do seven and a half minutes.

[2191] No, I think eight or under is a run.

[2192] Okay.

[2193] I think if you're running a couple miles, most people that are runners, I remember when I offended Malcolm Gladwell, and I said he jogged.

[2194] Well, that's what you're doing now.

[2195] But he's, he is a runner.

[2196] Yeah, he is.

[2197] Like, he runs six -minute miles for five, six miles.

[2198] I don't know, I feel like that's a run And then there's jog as like elevated heart rate Pushing yourself Okay, whatever.

[2199] I run two laps And then I walk briskly one And the one that I walk is long Like it's a two block And has an uphill So it's a whole thing I have going, okay?

[2200] I'm back on it and I'm normally doing it around sixish between like six and seven this whole thing takes about an hour first of all god bless you that's a hard time to motivate to work the evening yeah but you gotta bang that out in the morning no i'm tired in the morning okay are you tired in the morning um extremely tired in the morning see you're your friends are tired in the morning i don't do anything till the afternoon aaron had no improv training but he is the king of yes ann are you tired in the morning absolutely No, I can tell he is.

[2201] That's another type you're attracted to.

[2202] And, okay, so I, I'm out at that time.

[2203] There's a group of people.

[2204] This is like eight or nine people, all with at least a dog.

[2205] They're standing at the corner of Commonwealth and avocado.

[2206] They're standing in my path.

[2207] And they're standing in the sidewalk.

[2208] Some of them are on this like grassy part But they're taking up this whole sidewalk And they see me And sometimes they'll move their foot But they are not making space And it's so many people And it slows me down It messes me up And it like I never I never get this angry But it feels unjust It feels entitled We just had a narcissist person on It's so narcissistic And I don't really know what to do about it because there's so many of them I do feel kind of outnumbered yeah like I feel shy to call it out yeah but it's so rude like it is crazy yeah it's outrageous like they see me now I have to admit something I'm a little ahead of the curve on this dilemma because you guys had a girl's dinner last night so anytime Kristen comes home from these girls dinner she repeats the dinner I say what's everyone up to.

[2209] And she goes, oh, Erica's got this great idea for a new business.

[2210] Amy said Ryan's doing this.

[2211] And I hear from everyone.

[2212] And she said, and Monica's having a hard time with these people while she runs.

[2213] So I kind of already, I'm abreast of this situation.

[2214] Oh, okay.

[2215] How did you feel when I was telling it?

[2216] Like, how do I act?

[2217] Like, do I act like I haven't heard it?

[2218] Well, by the way, this is actually an old, this is a reoccurring dilemma in your life.

[2219] Because years ago when you were doing this, you would sometimes sound off in here about people, dogs.

[2220] They wouldn't pull them out of the way or they'd be taken, yes.

[2221] So you had a previous grievance.

[2222] There's a lot of bad etiquette with the sidewalks.

[2223] Sidewalk etiquette.

[2224] Yes.

[2225] So, and this is going to be probably two down the middle for you, but first of all, yes, they're rude.

[2226] They should move out of the way.

[2227] They should not even, they should party in the grass or in a driveway.

[2228] Exactly.

[2229] They should still be social.

[2230] I think that's great that they're gathering.

[2231] Yeah, that's obviously not the problem.

[2232] No, I know.

[2233] Don't defend them.

[2234] First of all, I'm on your side because what they're, doing is rude and they shouldn't do that.

[2235] So you're right.

[2236] Secondly, there are two variables in this equation.

[2237] There's you and then there's this group of eight people.

[2238] And so I think you should change your route.

[2239] I think you should just do another route because you are destined to just get frustrated over and over and over again and you're never going to be able to get them to move.

[2240] And so why put yourself through the inevitable frustration, maybe just run a different block.

[2241] There's so many blocks.

[2242] They all are really different.

[2243] They are all, the participants.

[2244] Oh, the blocks are so different.

[2245] Yes, so after like the, on my third time of this or fourth, whatever, it was like my last lap, I did think, I was like, I can't run by them again.

[2246] So I then ran the whole two block instead, so I didn't have to cross over them again.

[2247] Yeah.

[2248] And it sucked.

[2249] Yeah, so again, I want to reiterate, you are.

[2250] in the right, but I have to recite the surrounding prayer, which is God grant me the serenani to accept the things I cannot change, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[2251] So I would argue this is a situation that you're powerless over, that you can't change.

[2252] So your best course of action is acceptance, which is this blows.

[2253] I probably can't change it.

[2254] But why can't I?

[2255] I keep thinking this is what I would do.

[2256] I don't think you'll do it, but you may. Maybe if they make a small can, air horn can.

[2257] They do, they make those.

[2258] Yeah, but you, like, as you're coming up, just go, brop, burp, burp, right.

[2259] So that is a way to get on, and then if you want to be the person blowing a fog horn, like, people go like, have you seen that crazy bitch over there's on Los Felis?

[2260] She's got a foghorn.

[2261] I actually, I don't give a fuck if they think I'm crazy.

[2262] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2263] Then this, you should do this then.

[2264] But I don't want to carry that.

[2265] No, I know.

[2266] That's why I said if they make a real small one.

[2267] Oh, right.

[2268] Like a Lady Remington version.

[2269] I could, like, hold in my little lemon.

[2270] Just like a bike one.

[2271] Yes.

[2272] It's like hard enough.

[2273] Yeah, like a key chain one.

[2274] Mm. Yeah.

[2275] Like Mace.

[2276] And, like, one of them said, excuse us.

[2277] Didn't move.

[2278] But didn't move.

[2279] Like, it's active.

[2280] It's actively.

[2281] Well, I can imagine what, I'm so scared to.

[2282] go ahead paint a defense for them but i can imagine there they might be being just strictly utilitarian about it where they go there's eight of us that would have to move versus one of her that would have to move so it makes more sense that the one person would move than the eight people would move but it doesn't because it's a sidewalk yes again you are completely in the right you don't own it's for movement it's not for parking it's literally for people to walk and move freely and get to where they need to get and not have to run in the street or walk in the Street.

[2283] Alternative strategy you won't take either, but along the lines with what Aaron's saying is I would run right through the middle of them and I would fart, as loud as I can.

[2284] And then I promise you when I come tomorrow and they see me jot and they'll be oh, fucking here's that fucking gross guy, you fucking sicko, and they would all move out of the way because they don't want to get fart particles on them.

[2285] Maybe fart spray.

[2286] Everything I have involved in the can.

[2287] You love your a can of hairspray in a lighter just run by torching in the air.

[2288] Kristen had a good advice.

[2289] What was hers?

[2290] It's the best advice I've heard out of these.

[2291] Better than farting in the middle of them?

[2292] She said that maybe you could say, hey, guys, it's really hard to keep up a run, so if you see me coming through, can you please move?

[2293] And that is good, but also I don't really.

[2294] You feel like they don't deserve that?

[2295] No, I like.

[2296] When are you doing this?

[2297] Drive down there before your wog?

[2298] Hey, gang.

[2299] About 20 minutes, I'm going to be taking a run.

[2300] I'd have to stop in the middle of the wog, do it, and then can, exactly.

[2301] And it would work.

[2302] There's no way they're like that big assholes.

[2303] They probably would accommodate.

[2304] But I imagine, I mean, my best guess is they're doing what I suggest it, which is like eight of us versus one of you.

[2305] Yeah.

[2306] Just move so eight of us don't have to be inconvenienced.

[2307] That's really dumb and annoying.

[2308] Do you run so fast that if you were running in place while you're talking to them, it's too much?

[2309] Yeah.

[2310] I definitely, that's a big slowdown.

[2311] It's already a slowdown even when I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. So you really are booking.

[2312] You might be doing seven and a half mile.

[2313] I'm running fast for the run.

[2314] I think you are in a wand.

[2315] A rocky.

[2316] You'd have to do rock.

[2317] Rock.

[2318] Okay, but I'm going to stick with long.

[2319] Well, now you're the person in the sidewalk.

[2320] No, I'm not.

[2321] You're trying to change my thing I invented.

[2322] You feel entitled to do that.

[2323] Anywho, yeah, or maybe I should just, when the narcissist episode comes out, I should just blast it as I'm running.

[2324] Jog with a big jambox?

[2325] So they hear it, loud and clear.

[2326] I just really, it really bothers me because it's, it's, it really bothers me because it's, it's, It is hard to get back on this routine, and I don't like it, and I'm doing it, and it's good for me, and they are making it.

[2327] They're impeding you.

[2328] Really unpleasant, and it's already unpleasant.

[2329] Right.

[2330] It's easy for me to be like, I don't want to deal with that today, so I'm not doing it.

[2331] Can you harness that ire in the moment to push you harder and faster on your rug?

[2332] I can't go harder and faster if they're blocking.

[2333] No, but I'm saying once you get beyond them, you harness that.

[2334] Well, that is what happens, actually.

[2335] You run your ass off.

[2336] I get, like, really mad, and I'm going fast, but then it's, like, messing up my brain.

[2337] It's not good.

[2338] I bet you're getting gains out of it, though.

[2339] No, I'm not.

[2340] Don't make it that.

[2341] Don't make it that.

[2342] Trying to reframe it all.

[2343] We know reframing is powerful.

[2344] You would be so pissed.

[2345] Oh, we know exactly how I would deal with this.

[2346] I'm not claiming any.

[2347] Would you push them all out of the way?

[2348] If I locked eyes with someone they saw was running towards them on the sidewalk and they chose to just stay planted, I'd probably run right into them.

[2349] I mean, I essentially am.

[2350] I'm just like, still.

[2351] I'd say excuse me right before I hit them.

[2352] But yeah, I think, what do you think you'd really do, Aaron?

[2353] Yeah, I think I would probably run into them too.

[2354] Which is not, that's the very ill -advised approach.

[2355] It's not good.

[2356] I'm really unimpressed by eight people that they can't get out of your way, especially your way.

[2357] We haven't even thought of this.

[2358] Try jogging with the picture.

[2359] of baby monica and as you're approaching them show them and go i'm just this little baby and they would probably jump out of the way and then run behind you to protect you in case anything happens what's the breakdown of the genders lots of genders are all the dogs small or will they attack you no there's big ass dogs were wolves it's out what if one of the guys was a werewolf That's going to get hairy.

[2360] Literally in figuratively.

[2361] I also feel like annoyed by their group.

[2362] I don't know what the, what's happening with that group, but why isn't one person in the group nice enough to say, hey, guys, maybe we should not stand in the sidewalk.

[2363] All these people suck.

[2364] Like, what?

[2365] You're not going to like this, but you'll have to agree.

[2366] You'll have to agree that I'm right about this.

[2367] If this was a movie, the very last scene.

[2368] Me cute.

[2369] The last scene of this movie would you, you would be with those guys and girls having a blast.

[2370] You would have joined them.

[2371] Never.

[2372] I know, but I'm saying that this was a movie.

[2373] Movies are stupid and they're not based in reality.

[2374] Some are, some aren't.

[2375] But don't you think that would be the obvious way to end this movie?

[2376] Yeah, it'd be an easy way.

[2377] It'd be a bad writing.

[2378] Lazy?

[2379] Yeah, lazy, thank you.

[2380] Lazy writing.

[2381] Anyway, if anyone listening has ideas or if anyone listening, is in this group, please, please just ask the other members to, like, there's people in walkers and stuff.

[2382] There's people.

[2383] Do you think maybe they move for them?

[2384] I bet they'd be.

[2385] I bet they, I bet everyone didn't mean to not move for you.

[2386] But after they didn't move the first time, now they have to hold their ground.

[2387] Oh, you think they're just like, oh, fuck, we better double down?

[2388] Oh, they just stand their ground.

[2389] I mean, I hate that for you.

[2390] What if as you jog by, they lifted their shirts up and they had pistols in their waistband?

[2391] Oh, my God.

[2392] One time is fine.

[2393] Like, it would be one thing if every now and then they weren't moving, but every time.

[2394] Mm -hmm.

[2395] It just feels so entitled in a way that's absurd.

[2396] Very triggering.

[2397] Very.

[2398] Yeah.

[2399] Do you think there's any merit to what I'm saying?

[2400] about one of the two variables has to change.

[2401] I don't, this is the route for my run.

[2402] So it's not going to be you.

[2403] So we got to get these eight people to change.

[2404] And you can hardly even run in the grass to get around it because all the dogs.

[2405] Like it's a bad situation.

[2406] It's a roadblock for you.

[2407] It's a full roadblock.

[2408] So what if there were a roadblock?

[2409] Yeah, that is a situation that's not entitled.

[2410] Like that is an actual when you use the AA thing.

[2411] That's, I can't control that.

[2412] Right.

[2413] Do you feel like you would be surrendering to them to alter your route?

[2414] Like they would have won?

[2415] No, it's, that's actually going to cost me. Like that route, new route, whatever it is, is going to probably be harder.

[2416] See, my hang up in that situation was I would feel like they won and I hate feeling defeated.

[2417] That's not if.

[2418] I just want to run in the way that I fucking do, yeah.

[2419] That could be a headline like, angry woman mows down eight people.

[2420] That's how people do get, this is how people get pushed to the edge.

[2421] Now that's a movie.

[2422] Yeah, well, it's called Falling Down.

[2423] You remember that when Michael Douglas.

[2424] He just had enough.

[2425] I love you guys, but you really weren't helpful.

[2426] Well, I don't think a great friend gives the advice they necessarily were wanting to hear.

[2427] No, Kristen gave me good advice.

[2428] It's not one that I want to like.

[2429] Were you annoyed with her at all?

[2430] No, I wasn't.

[2431] I was like, that's good advice.

[2432] I don't want to do it because I'm scared.

[2433] But it's sound.

[2434] Yeah.

[2435] What was it?

[2436] Excuse me. It's kind of hard to keep up my pace.

[2437] Yeah.

[2438] Excuse me. It's hard for me to keep up my run.

[2439] I understand you guys are all hanging out.

[2440] But if you see me, can you just make space for me?

[2441] Here's, I've printed out a wallet -sized pictures of me as a baby.

[2442] These are for you.

[2443] Just when you think about that when you see me, see this little baby coming down the street.

[2444] Aren't you proud of her?

[2445] Do you have anything to add?

[2446] I agree.

[2447] It sucks.

[2448] I deal with that with school drop -off where there's, like, parents in a group that walk.

[2449] And then I've got Vincent with me and they don't move.

[2450] People are not, like, conscientious.

[2451] It makes me very mad.

[2452] Yeah.

[2453] It's an epidemic.

[2454] It's a. The most feel is, like, just a disaster.

[2455] Very popular city.

[2456] We live in a very populous city.

[2457] Anyway.

[2458] Is it illegal to block a sidewalk for a certain amount of time?

[2459] What have you called the cops on them?

[2460] Most certainly.

[2461] I bet it is illegal.

[2462] It's only if it's for an unlawful purpose.

[2463] Oh.

[2464] You think they're conspiring?

[2465] You just have to prove they're conspiring to commit a crime.

[2466] Yeah.

[2467] What else could they be doing?

[2468] Okay.

[2469] Well, that was my best.

[2470] beef.

[2471] Now, this is interesting.

[2472] So, oh, God, I'm so, I'm so outnumbered here.

[2473] So this is going to be hard.

[2474] Is this a boy girl thing?

[2475] No, it's a couple singles thing.

[2476] Okay.

[2477] At our girls, and I don't, none of us said any.

[2478] We never say anything that's secretive to the group because we're all close -knit group, so who cares?

[2479] But this is just like a bigger question.

[2480] Like, should we assume that everyone went home to their partners and replayed all of our interactions?

[2481] actions.

[2482] Not in this dinner, in all of our dinners.

[2483] Is it assumed?

[2484] Well, I think you're positioning it as, are they going to tell everything or nothing?

[2485] And I don't think it's either of those things.

[2486] Your partner comes on and you go, how is dinner?

[2487] And they go, good.

[2488] They're not going to, they can't leave it at that.

[2489] What happened?

[2490] Oh, we were laughing about blah, blah, blah, right?

[2491] Now, are they going to betray whatever level of secrecy that you all five have?

[2492] And again, And if it's a secret that all five of you are sharing, I don't think it's that deep of a secret because you're already sharing it with five people.

[2493] But even in that case, I don't think necessarily that Kristen's going to say something that was presumed to be in confidence of that five people.

[2494] Yeah.

[2495] In general, this is a thing, right?

[2496] Where because someone's in a couple, if you tell them something in confidence, should there be an assumption that it just goes without saying that the partner will know?

[2497] What do you think?

[2498] Yeah, I think you should assume they're going to tell their significant other.

[2499] That's also.

[2500] Yeah.

[2501] I just think it's, this is why it's unfair, I think.

[2502] Because, yes, that is what single people assume.

[2503] They assume that if they're telling someone who is in a partnership goes without saying unless you say explicitly that their partner is going to just know.

[2504] But if I tell a friend, that's a betrayal.

[2505] I don't know.

[2506] about that.

[2507] My assumption is you do tell your friends stuff.

[2508] You tell me stuff.

[2509] We all tell our friends.

[2510] No, but again, out of the group, right?

[2511] Like, if you're telling me something and then you hear later that I was talking about it with someone close to me, someone else, you probably wouldn't love it.

[2512] And yet, if I find out that you told Kristen something, I have to sort of just be like, yeah, I guess that's just like the way it goes.

[2513] But it's not fair.

[2514] I don't know if I agree with that, though, summation, because I think you do tell your friend's stuff I tell you, and you tell me stuff your friends have told you.

[2515] And I think people tell each other things they've heard.

[2516] I don't really think it's unique to couples.

[2517] Yes, do people tell their spouses stuff?

[2518] Most certainly.

[2519] Yeah.

[2520] But I'm only, and you don't agree, but I would argue people do that with their best friends as well.

[2521] Yeah, they do.

[2522] Yeah.

[2523] But I think the other person feels that they have an entitlement of.

[2524] Betrayal.

[2525] Betrayal, and it's the same thing.

[2526] Yes, if you're going to feel betrayed someone told their best friend something you told them, then you should equally feel betrayed that they told their spouse.

[2527] Yeah.

[2528] I think you're an exception, but I do think a lot of people have this where they're just like, well, obviously my husband knows or obviously this person knows.

[2529] And it's like, well, that's not fair.

[2530] Well, that gets into a really fun thing about every time I watch one of these shows, like CIA shows, can you imagine being married to someone that was not allowed to tell you what they did at work?

[2531] All day, every day?

[2532] They accepting that?

[2533] That seems crazy to me. My hunch is they do tell their spouses all the secrets of the state.

[2534] I don't think so.

[2535] Do you don't?

[2536] I really don't.

[2537] It's probably neither one or the other.

[2538] There's probably some mix of people that are sharing too much.

[2539] Often, too, I don't know, often.

[2540] I know one example of two people who are in the CIA who are married.

[2541] So maybe they intermingle a lot.

[2542] Maybe they both have the right security clearance to tell each other's stuff.

[2543] I don't know if they tell each other stuff, but they're both in the CIA, so they recognize the importance of it.

[2544] Oh, right, like they might not press each other.

[2545] Right, exactly.

[2546] But it would be very weird to be partnered up with somebody that their work life, which is half of their life, is completely unknown to you and never will be known to you.

[2547] It's kind of cool.

[2548] Because then you don't talk about work.

[2549] You just talk about other stuff.

[2550] What else is there to talk about?

[2551] But if I was married to someone in the CIA, I'd be like, tell me about your work.

[2552] It's so excited.

[2553] I didn't actually want to know.

[2554] You force them.

[2555] I would be like, I'm dying to tell someone about my work.

[2556] I know.

[2557] I don't think you'd really have.

[2558] I'd get married just to tell someone about it.

[2559] They can at least, I think, enact that marriage clause, right?

[2560] Spousal privilege.

[2561] Oh.

[2562] I think there is a little safeguard in that one.

[2563] That was happening in the Bob Durst documentary.

[2564] When they were deposing.

[2565] his wife.

[2566] Yes.

[2567] The lawyer kept stopping the questioner and saying, that's, you know, privileged marriage.

[2568] Right.

[2569] Oh, that she doesn't have to say?

[2570] Yeah, there's private communication between her and her husband.

[2571] Okay, but see, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

[2572] So there's spousal privilege, but not best friend privilege.

[2573] No, right.

[2574] Now you got a real leg to stand on on that argument.

[2575] That's not fair.

[2576] Right.

[2577] Maybe you can get that privilege legally if you go to the courthouse.

[2578] I'm going to try.

[2579] And ask for it.

[2580] Okay, well, this is for Tiffany Haddish.

[2581] Oh, what a party.

[2582] I can't wait for you here this one, Erin.

[2583] Yeah.

[2584] It's a good episode.

[2585] But, okay, also, so yeah, we went to dinner our last night at the Chateau Mar -Mau.

[2586] I was shocked a year that you guys went, so it was for Molly's birthday.

[2587] Yeah, she had never been.

[2588] She had never been.

[2589] But my understanding was you and Kristen are anti -Shato.

[2590] I'm not anti -sheish.

[2591] Yeah, but didn't you think, as well, you were telling me it's too, you didn't agree with them, not letting people in and stuff?

[2592] No, I don't like country clubs, and then you were trying to equate that to the chateau.

[2593] Right.

[2594] And I like the chateau, my mom.

[2595] Yeah, of course, it's great.

[2596] Because I don't think also because she was saying, which I understand, she was like, it's exclusionary.

[2597] But she was also acknowledging that she just thinks she doesn't belong there.

[2598] Yeah, her own insecurity.

[2599] Yes, exactly.

[2600] Because what's interesting, yeah, and this is a cute thing about Kristen, is she doesn't necessarily feel cool sometimes.

[2601] Like, cool is a trigger for her.

[2602] Yeah.

[2603] And that place is like the quintessential cool place in Hollywood.

[2604] Fucking Belushi died there.

[2605] It's the place.

[2606] Again, it is and it's not.

[2607] When you go, it's a great vibe.

[2608] It's like very, it's very fun Hollywood.

[2609] But I'm not like looking around thinking everyone's cool.

[2610] How do you, sorry, how do you get in?

[2611] Are you able to get.

[2612] Reservation.

[2613] Oh, okay.

[2614] So that's why I can't hate it that much because it's not that exclusionary because I just made a reservation and got it.

[2615] Oh, okay.

[2616] Where there would be selection is if you rolled in there.

[2617] without a reservation, you would not get a table.

[2618] Yes.

[2619] Unless you were a desirable guest for that.

[2620] But exactly.

[2621] And so that, and I made that point.

[2622] I said, look, I think we think that because there's all this lore about the chateau.

[2623] And it is this like old Hollywood place.

[2624] But every single restaurant we go to as a group, it's the same thing.

[2625] You either have to have a reservation or they wouldn't let us in unless you were fancy.

[2626] It's all the same.

[2627] Yeah.

[2628] There's just something about that specific place that's triggering.

[2629] But I love it.

[2630] Anyway.

[2631] but it came up on this episode.

[2632] So it was a ding, ding, ding.

[2633] Oh, yeah.

[2634] And I would say it is, I buy in.

[2635] That place has this magic where you, like, you feel like, oh, I'm in Hollywood, California.

[2636] Like, I dig it.

[2637] Yeah.

[2638] It's fun.

[2639] It's a fun place.

[2640] Oh, my God.

[2641] The cookies were so good.

[2642] I loved the cookies.

[2643] You love cookies.

[2644] Also, and I don't, I shouldn't say this.

[2645] I shouldn't say it.

[2646] Am I going to say it?

[2647] Say it.

[2648] You can cut it.

[2649] They have these candles there that are so good.

[2650] They smell so good.

[2651] And they've been out of stock for what I found out was six years.

[2652] Oh, my.

[2653] What could that be?

[2654] And they used to sell them at Claire Vivier also.

[2655] So sometimes I would, but they were hidden, but it was a hidden secret.

[2656] So I would get them there.

[2657] And then whatever, the past couple of years, they've been out of stock there.

[2658] And so I went up and said, you don't have the candles, do you?

[2659] And she was like, we do have.

[2660] them.

[2661] No way.

[2662] Why did it take them six years to restop?

[2663] I just don't know.

[2664] Okay.

[2665] What does the smell?

[2666] I can't even describe it.

[2667] No, but so, and she said, she said, I had a wait, you know, I had this crazy weight list.

[2668] And when I was calling people on it, they would be ordering 20.

[2669] Sure.

[2670] A scarcity mentality.

[2671] And I then was like, well, I need, I need four.

[2672] Okay.

[2673] For me. Mm -hmm.

[2674] And then I thought.

[2675] They sell candles at Chateau's, well, you're saying?

[2676] saying?

[2677] Yeah.

[2678] Oh, okay.

[2679] But I don't know if I want to tell people because I thought you were going to sell out.

[2680] That's what I thought was coming to.

[2681] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry, yes, these are for sale, but out of stock for six years.

[2682] So, I decided instead to buy enough for the girls and give everyone one.

[2683] So you got five and kept one for yourself?

[2684] I got six.

[2685] And kept two for yourself.

[2686] Yeah, but one I'm going to give to Kristen.

[2687] She left early.

[2688] Okay.

[2689] There's six of them.

[2690] Oh, there were six of you there.

[2691] I thought there was five of you there.

[2692] So I did the right thing.

[2693] Good job.

[2694] And I'm hoping it...

[2695] Carmically, you'll probably be an endless supply of the candles now.

[2696] Or carmically, maybe those people will not be on the street anymore.

[2697] I'm hoping that sort of evens out somehow impact that.

[2698] Okay.

[2699] I'm not...

[2700] I could have bought them candles.

[2701] Oh, my God.

[2702] You got to make a day of it.

[2703] You know if you could just offer them cash.

[2704] No one suggested that.

[2705] That's true.

[2706] Hey guys, what's it?

[2707] Five bucks a pop.

[2708] You guys get out of the way when I come?

[2709] I take more than five.

[2710] Maybe 20 a piece.

[2711] 20.

[2712] Yeah, 160 bucks.

[2713] Get them out of there.

[2714] I can go fuck out of here.

[2715] Go fuck off.

[2716] Spend this 20 somewhere, you rat.

[2717] More people will come.

[2718] These are trash people.

[2719] Yeah, there'll be 100 people.

[2720] We can get with their hands out.

[2721] Okay.

[2722] So you said bunting or blunting.

[2723] Is the term for when your antidepressant robs you of your highs?

[2724] Antidepressant bunting.

[2725] About half of users who take selective serotonin SSRIs report a sense of emotional.

[2726] Blunting, a psychic flatness that limits their emotional range, particularly their ability to experience positive feelings like pleasure and joy.

[2727] So it is blunting.

[2728] Have you experienced that, Aaron, at all?

[2729] Maybe when my cocktail wasn't quite right, I experienced that.

[2730] Uh -huh.

[2731] But I don't experience it now.

[2732] Either do I. Well, what was weird is I did the first time I ever tried it, and then I got off of it, and then I did it again for a period of time, and I didn't experience it the second time.

[2733] Yeah, you got to get it right.

[2734] You got to get the right thing for you.

[2735] It was like the same medicine, same dose.

[2736] Oh, weird.

[2737] I basically was just like at some point.

[2738] Well, it's worth the blunting to be able to sleep leading up for this job.

[2739] And then I got on it and I was like, oh, that's weird.

[2740] I don't have it this time.

[2741] Weird.

[2742] Maybe the first round was psychosomatic.

[2743] Like I know I'm on something.

[2744] I have reservations about being on it to begin with.

[2745] Or maybe your body.

[2746] I mean, it takes a minute to adjust to these two.

[2747] Yeah.

[2748] So maybe it was more that.

[2749] Yeah.

[2750] Okay.

[2751] You mentioned you met her at a coffee.

[2752] Kasa event.

[2753] Kasa, if people don't know, is court -appointed special advocates.

[2754] And it promotes court -appointed advocates for abused and neglected children.

[2755] And your mom is a Kasa.

[2756] Yeah, she was for years and they're really awesome because they just become this.

[2757] There's so many changing faces when you're in Foster, both between who you're staying with and then you're going to see doctors and you're getting evaluated and maybe at school you have things.

[2758] So this person joins you on all those things supervised visitation with a parent then you know the diagnosis from a doctor all this stuff and they're just consistent and they're with you and then when it comes time for the court case for the judge to evaluate whether they should be returned or not to their parents or stay in foster care the you know the opinion of the casa is weighed because they've gotten to see the whole thing yeah it's really cool a casa that's a great question i guess you you just call and volunteer i know my mom had to do i think you do classes and stuff well as a part of yeah i mean you just call and volunteer and get going on it and then yeah there are different classes that she would take from time to time and learn about you know different developmental stuff that's common with kids that are in foster and it's very sweet man it's so it's the people that volunteer to do that are so awesome there's a article that's that i enjoyed it's a seven -minute read though so I'm probably not going to read it unless you want me to unless this is a Taylor Swift situation.

[2759] Is there two minutes of it you want to hit us with?

[2760] It's hard to do that.

[2761] Okay.

[2762] It's about meat.

[2763] Meat eating.

[2764] Because you and Tiffany get in a conversation about meat.

[2765] Oh, oh, about whether.

[2766] Yeah, she said we're not designed to me. That's not true.

[2767] But there's conflicting information.

[2768] And this is from Scientific American.

[2769] So I trust it.

[2770] I trust it.

[2771] And it is, for 2 .4 out of the 2 .5 million years, we've been eating animals.

[2772] So start with that.

[2773] That's the first sentence.

[2774] But then there's a lot more to it.

[2775] And I have one other thing that you don't ever see a deer eating a dead raccoon carcass.

[2776] Animals that are herbivores eat plants, period.

[2777] They can't eat meat.

[2778] They don't have the right stomach for it.

[2779] Yeah.

[2780] And you don't see a lion or a tiger eating a food.

[2781] field of grass when they're hungry.

[2782] So just the simple fact that if you can observe the animal eating the food, that is proof that's the food they're supposed to eat.

[2783] That's the food we were evolved to eat.

[2784] Yes, we couldn't, if we were herbivores, we couldn't eat meat.

[2785] But we are omnivores.

[2786] We are, yeah.

[2787] So we are able to eat vegetable.

[2788] Of course.

[2789] Yeah.

[2790] And so.

[2791] But if we weren't supposed to eat meat, that would make us vegetative.

[2792] That would make us herbivores.

[2793] And we couldn't eat it.

[2794] Yeah, exactly.

[2795] Well, that's clear.

[2796] We're not herbivores.

[2797] But, I mean, there's so much evidence for vegetarianism being so good for us.

[2798] Yes.

[2799] I don't have a claim that vegetarianism isn't very healthy.

[2800] That's not at all.

[2801] She said we don't have the teeth of an animal that eats meat.

[2802] Yeah.

[2803] That's how it started.

[2804] And I said, well, that's because we have been cooking the meat for millions of years.

[2805] And so it allows us to have different teeth.

[2806] Yeah.

[2807] Anywho, it's called, does humanity have to eat meat?

[2808] have to.

[2809] Yes, and it's scientific American.

[2810] We don't have to.

[2811] Right.

[2812] Okay, yeah.

[2813] Yeah, we don't have to eat meat.

[2814] Yeah.

[2815] That's not my claim at all.

[2816] Or even that being vegetarian isn't healthier.

[2817] I don't think there's a good enough studies.

[2818] Okay, that's good for us to clarify.

[2819] Yeah, yeah.

[2820] I'm not saying that at all.

[2821] I'm just, there is a group of vegetarians that claim humans aren't supposed to eat meat.

[2822] And that is just factually incorrect.

[2823] Yeah.

[2824] I'm entitled to say one thing after that stupid degree.

[2825] It's that.

[2826] That's fair.

[2827] This species is designed to eat.

[2828] plants and animals yeah okay cool well anyway let's see what else sour power strips she loves them i looked them up they look delicious enough for you to hit add to cart no no okay they're not for me i like them you do yeah i eat candy like fucking crazy so you know what i mean the thick they're thick oh you know wow well he's tell tell monny about your new treat you brought with you.

[2829] Oh yeah, I just finished them actually.

[2830] Sorry.

[2831] What is it?

[2832] They're nerd gummies.

[2833] So do you know what the nerds are?

[2834] Okay.

[2835] So they're gummies with nerds all over them for the outer shell.

[2836] Encrusted with nerds.

[2837] So is it a thick gummy?

[2838] Like is it a big piece?

[2839] They're pretty small.

[2840] They're all different sizes, but they're pretty small like the size of a rock.

[2841] It looks like a tiny little nerd rock.

[2842] Oh, my gosh.

[2843] That sounds nice.

[2844] But we said that, oh, by the way, you saw them and just didn't notice.

[2845] Oh, yeah, I just had some on the table when we played Spade Saturday.

[2846] And when I looked over, it looked like a dumb little toy.

[2847] It looks like kind of something the girls would play with.

[2848] Maybe I'm sure I thought that.

[2849] Yeah, it was like a bouncy something.

[2850] Overly colorful.

[2851] Oh.

[2852] And then I saw everyone slam one in his mouth and I was like, what?

[2853] He's eating the girls' toys.

[2854] Now, Ruth, he turned me on to him because she's, yeah, she's really guided me along my candy journey.

[2855] because she loves candy too.

[2856] Oh, really?

[2857] And so I always, if I don't go into her bedside drawer, that's where she stashes her candy.

[2858] Because you have to hide the candy from the kids, too.

[2859] Oh, sure.

[2860] So I like just see what's doing, you know.

[2861] Like, what does she got today?

[2862] Because there's candy from everywhere that gets into the house like, Trader Joe's candy.

[2863] Random, that fucking sour tape.

[2864] And I fought it for a long time, but I'm there.

[2865] I just love candy.

[2866] And I never fucking ate candy in my life.

[2867] Wait, really?

[2868] It's new?

[2869] Yeah, it's new.

[2870] Am I right?

[2871] And then it started with these ginger treats.

[2872] Yeah.

[2873] That was like the gateway candy.

[2874] It's almost salty.

[2875] It's healthy and it's, and I used it to curb my appetite so I would stop eating every five seconds.

[2876] I would ate those.

[2877] Yeah.

[2878] Cutest routine was like, I noticed it in the Dune.

[2879] So we go in the dunes, and then at night, Aaron and I will get on the couch to watch our movie at night as we always do.

[2880] And Aaron goes and gets like 12 of his ginger treats.

[2881] Oh, wow.

[2882] And he'll put him out on the bed.

[2883] And he's like, oh, yeah, these are my ginger treats.

[2884] So I don't go eat something more.

[2885] And then I got into those ginger treats a little bit on that trip.

[2886] Yeah, it's fun.

[2887] I hate ginger treats.

[2888] Oh, yeah.

[2889] People hate them or love them for sure.

[2890] I wish I loved them because they're like, I think healthy.

[2891] I hate to be terminally unique, but I didn't hate it or love it.

[2892] I was like, I certainly didn't love it, and I didn't hate it.

[2893] I think I got a heartburn from them before.

[2894] They're spicy.

[2895] Yeah, they're spicy.

[2896] You're yourself an ulcer.

[2897] They're only like five calories.

[2898] Yeah.

[2899] Yeah, and there's something to do.

[2900] That's what I liked.

[2901] It's almost like dipping or something.

[2902] It's just like something that satisfy the oral fixation.

[2903] Yes, definitely.

[2904] So now the candy, though, I, the nerd.

[2905] Okay, so the nerds came about, I, And these small packages, like a gas station package, you know?

[2906] And Ruthie said, now, if I got into a package that was open, I would eat the package.

[2907] And she's like, God damn it.

[2908] They're like four bucks.

[2909] And you can only get them at a gas station.

[2910] And there's so few in there.

[2911] And I'm like, well, that's fucked.

[2912] Because now I like these, but I'm not going to spend four bucks.

[2913] $16 a night.

[2914] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2915] Because I want more than a package when I sat down to have some.

[2916] Also, four bucks a night's a pack of cigarettes.

[2917] You might as well go back to buying fucking camels.

[2918] I guess I'm out of the game for 19 years.

[2919] But there's the bag that I brought here.

[2920] Fucking score on Amazon, of course.

[2921] Oh, nice.

[2922] A humongous bag for six bucks.

[2923] That's like has 10 gas station packages.

[2924] Oh, wow.

[2925] And yes, I ate that entire package.

[2926] because since I've been here.

[2927] Economy of scale.

[2928] Yeah, we love it.

[2929] Liberal arts education.

[2930] Is there any candies you eat, Manny?

[2931] I'm not a huge candy gal.

[2932] I'm more of a cookie gal.

[2933] Yeah.

[2934] Although I like candy.

[2935] I just don't brave it.

[2936] Do you think that it should be cookie boy?

[2937] I'm a girl.

[2938] I know, but in this rare situation, could you be?

[2939] I'm a cookie boy.

[2940] No, I can be a cookie monster.

[2941] Okay, cookie monster.

[2942] That's a good compromise.

[2943] Do you eat cookie crumble?

[2944] Crumbull cookies Do we crumbs off the table When other people Have cookies Do you mean Cookie Chris?

[2945] What do you mean?

[2946] Do I have that wrong?

[2947] There's like a Fancy Cookie place Oh C -R -U -M -B -L Or something I know what you mean Okay Crumble cookies It comes in a pink box I've seen them They're like gourmet Cookies I saw that in New York I didn't have it Okay Well I'm sure they got one Around the corner They're all over Michigan It's a big box of cookie powder?

[2948] It's not powder It's not crumbles cookies It's delicious Full -sized cookies Full -sized cookies With a hundred different flavors And flavors of the day And fully intact cookies Soft they're like The downside to that See I like cookies now too I like everything I like everything Well you're a cookie boy That I am a cookie boy there And the cookie month I can get on all fours and eat your cookies.

[2949] There's like cinnamon toast crunch.

[2950] Oh, wow.

[2951] And the downside is there are a thousand calories.

[2952] Oh, because there's so, like, so much going on.

[2953] Oh, God, yeah.

[2954] Speaking of calories.

[2955] Oh, you know what?

[2956] They come with a, I'm really calling Ruthie out on all of our, like, fucking bad habits we've developed lately.

[2957] Oh, she deserves to go.

[2958] bring some home.

[2959] I mean, you and I are Captain Bad Habits.

[2960] That's true.

[2961] That's true.

[2962] Yeah, yeah.

[2963] That's, that's very true.

[2964] She does, she fucking earns it every day.

[2965] She doesn't eat them every day.

[2966] But this is, they cut, you can get a cookie cutter.

[2967] I think that's designed specifically for crumble cookie.

[2968] So you just, this is like Dungeons and Dragons all of a sudden.

[2969] I feel like it's veering into nerdingness all of a sudden.

[2970] I can't believe how much I know about it.

[2971] Yeah.

[2972] And it cuts it into four pieces.

[2973] Now, obviously you can do that with a knife.

[2974] It'll take not that long.

[2975] But I think it's to manage your pigginess, you know.

[2976] I'm a piggy boy.

[2977] Like maybe a quarter every once in a while.

[2978] Maybe it just slows you down a hair.

[2979] And if you guys want to know anything more about this company, I'll let's tell you.

[2980] I feel like you were paid on the side.

[2981] I know.

[2982] I know.

[2983] You're another fact.

[2984] You got to get this on the air.

[2985] Forward slash Aaron.

[2986] Yeah.

[2987] That's for Aaron weekly for 10 % off.

[2988] I drive out here in a Lamborghini.

[2989] Oh, wow.

[2990] But man, I'm not going to call out the restaurant because it was so fucking delicious.

[2991] But my God, we were at a steakhouse.

[2992] Aaron and Charlie and I Monday night.

[2993] And the calories were on the mess.

[2994] menu and i've never seen anything like this the tomahawk steak was 2400 calories yeah the um the loaded baked potato was 1500 calories the wedge salad we got was 800 yeah 8 60 or 890 yeah just shy at 900 that's the salad yeah we were like we found the fries were the lowest caloric thing yeah the onion rings oh yeah onion rings better than the salad or the baked potato and then the The only other thing was the crab legs were 600 calories, but that wasn't including the butter.

[2995] We got three bowls of butter.

[2996] We had to have eaten six, seven thousand calories.

[2997] My first question, this can't be normal.

[2998] Like, the first thing I saw looking at the menu was the calories.

[2999] And I'm like, now this fucking makes you want to not really.

[3000] I want to eat everything that we ate when I go to get a steak.

[3001] Right.

[3002] And I don't want to think about it.

[3003] I know it's going to be a lot.

[3004] Exactly.

[3005] Exactly.

[3006] I'll deal with it the next day and eat good.

[3007] I agree.

[3008] I don't want to know that.

[3009] I don't want to see that.

[3010] Yeah, but that was, it was a lot.

[3011] We laughed.

[3012] We're like, there's no way the salad is as much.

[3013] Is that just because the dressing?

[3014] It has to be it's lettuce and bacon, I guess.

[3015] Crumbled blue cheese.

[3016] I mean, the bacon was delicious and fresh.

[3017] It was an outrageous salad, but it was about the same as like a Big Mac value meal.

[3018] Like, it's kind of crazy.

[3019] Gallery -wise?

[3020] Yeah.

[3021] Wow.

[3022] Well, you know, the thing is it's a California law, and it's all about how many locations you have more in a certain amount.

[3023] I'll tell you, I did this with CPK.

[3024] I went to CBK, post that law.

[3025] I was like, fuck this, part of you chicken sales.

[3026] Yeah, talk about a salad that's like 4 ,000 calories.

[3027] Yeah, and it's not definitely under that, but it is definitely higher than I was expecting.

[3028] The one that blew my mind at CBK was the hummus.

[3029] But this fucking chickpeas.

[3030] How are we getting up this hot?

[3031] And I was like, and I've not been back.

[3032] So I guess it's a good law in that way, but I hate it.

[3033] I'm going to start wearing a blindfold when you go out to eat.

[3034] Tell the waiter you forgot your glasses and ask them.

[3035] Not bring the menu, I already know what I want.

[3036] Yeah, I don't like that.

[3037] It kind of ruins.

[3038] It ruins the magic of eating out.

[3039] In this case, it made for a good conversation.

[3040] It did.

[3041] Well, mostly it was entertaining because we learned from our server that there's a certain actor that eats their three nights a week.

[3042] and he is very skinny, and we're like, what is he ordering?

[3043] We're like, what does he order?

[3044] The onion rings every day?

[3045] The locale menu.

[3046] Well, maybe this person does a lot of running, not jogging.

[3047] We'll cut it out, but it's, he's so thin.

[3048] He's very fit, yeah.

[3049] Three days a week?

[3050] Dang.

[3051] Eating that fucking menu.

[3052] This is making me starving.

[3053] Yeah, it was, I got to tell you.

[3054] I didn't want that so bad.

[3055] That meal we had Monday night was one of the best.

[3056] meals i've ever had really good in your whole life it was up there like so effusive and there's no way isn't that great though that i i do believe that i know i know it's cute that you actually think it i do but there's no way the steak was so good and we got we got lamb we got a rack of lamb that was yeah we always slid her yeah we always lamb and maybe the the experience i could see but the food bowl bowl it was the perfect marriage of like that's funny i got the same kind of response um from Ruthie.

[3057] She did.

[3058] Because you told her it was one of the best videos.

[3059] You guys.

[3060] But you know this is the foundation of Aaron and I's friendship, which.

[3061] You know, it was a hurdle for me with you for a while.

[3062] It's not anymore.

[3063] I have radical acceptance.

[3064] Well, and I don't want to be a downer or paint us as victims, but I have thought a lot about this because you should have seen Aaron and I at the hotel in Orlando.

[3065] I don't think any two human beings have ever had more fun.

[3066] at Disney World than Aaron and I. And I was like, I was thinking about one of my favorite parts of you, and especially our friendship, is like, you and I can get so excited for anything.

[3067] And again, not to be a bummer or make us victims, but I do think, like, there are a lot of bad times.

[3068] So when the good times were good, we were both like, oh, fuck yeah, and let's feel it.

[3069] And like, it's here.

[3070] And we're out of that fucking trailer with insanity that's happening there.

[3071] in this field, but I just think that by comparison, when the good times happened, I think we really knew how to make the most of them.

[3072] Yeah, that makes sense.

[3073] Yeah.

[3074] And that's kind of the foundation of our friendship.

[3075] We get so pumped for the stupidest shit.

[3076] Fuck yeah.

[3077] Yeah, that's a great, I think that's a great way to be.

[3078] I can't take it seriously anymore ever when you say things are the best or the most.

[3079] I'm just, I'm racking my brain of when I had a better one to punch in that rib.

[3080] I'm lying those lamb.

[3081] What about Emily Burger?

[3082] That for a long time was your favorite.

[3083] That's good.

[3084] It is really good.

[3085] It's a good meal.

[3086] Now it's good.

[3087] Emily Burger's, it's also the best.

[3088] Yeah.

[3089] We just have different definitions of best.

[3090] Well, there's genres.

[3091] Is it the best taco?

[3092] Is it the best burger?

[3093] This was the best steakhouse experience I've had.

[3094] I think other than my date with McConae, which is also the best.

[3095] I'm, I mean, I just, I am, because, okay.

[3096] Okay, Jess and I have this, too, because we've been trying to figure out our top five desserts of all time over the span of our life.

[3097] And it's hard for me. Like, I'm really thinking about it.

[3098] I have not committed.

[3099] Like, I won't commit.

[3100] And, you know, we go to three restaurants in three days.

[3101] And he's like, these three are on there.

[3102] And I'm like, no, no. No further.

[3103] Yeah, exactly.

[3104] Yeah.

[3105] All to say, I don't trust that.

[3106] Like, oh, yeah, this, this and this that I had last week.

[3107] or in my top five of all time.

[3108] No, and same for you.

[3109] I can't trust it.

[3110] Can't trust you.

[3111] How about this?

[3112] Have you been burned?

[3113] Like, if I told you something that was great and then it wasn't?

[3114] Do you have you had a Maya experience where I sent you to Olga's in Thousand O?

[3115] No, I like Olga's.

[3116] You did take me to Olga's.

[3117] But you're more white trash like me. I do.

[3118] Yeah, you like a lot of that stuff.

[3119] You like your garbage food.

[3120] I do.

[3121] Yeah, we both do.

[3122] Dominoes.

[3123] We love Domino's.

[3124] I love it.

[3125] What a pie.

[3126] I do love it.

[3127] It's a gourmet pie.

[3128] And a rectangle sandwich.

[3129] some burger came.

[3130] Yes, these are tens.

[3131] Yeah.

[3132] But can you think of a time I was effusive about a place or vouched for a place and you went and you're like, well, that was a fool's errand?

[3133] No, no, no. I don't think that's happened.

[3134] But I just think it's like, not everything can be the best.

[3135] You know what I think it is?

[3136] It's my issue.

[3137] You don't feel safe.

[3138] Yeah, I don't.

[3139] Unless you're the best.

[3140] Yeah.

[3141] And that's really sad.

[3142] We talked about you're in a nice baggage, and that's yours.

[3143] And that's heartbreaking.

[3144] Yeah, I want to be the best.

[3145] Best friend.

[3146] I want to be everyone's best.

[3147] Everyone's number one.

[3148] I want that.

[3149] But also.

[3150] Because then you can't be replaced or excluded.

[3151] Yeah.

[3152] Of course.

[3153] Yeah.

[3154] But also, it is a trust thing.

[3155] How do I know what you're saying to me?

[3156] I mean, this is now we're getting deep and I don't even really mean you, but in general, if everything's the best and I'm also the best, then immediately I'm not the best because it means just everything's the same.

[3157] And I don't, Ben, you know what, I don't need to be the best.

[3158] I do.

[3159] But also, again, if you step into our mindset, which is, it is the best.

[3160] No, it's not, it's not, it's not, hold on.

[3161] It'd be one thing if we were saying you're the best, but we didn't mean it, or we weren't experiencing it.

[3162] If we had said this restaurant was the best, but we didn't like it, that's scary.

[3163] But, like, you hook Aaron and I up to a polygraph and ask us if that was the best steakhouse we've ever been to.

[3164] We're passing that test.

[3165] I know, but that was.

[3166] That's unsafe to me that you do believe it.

[3167] And then next week you do believe it.

[3168] And then that week you do believe it.

[3169] But the primary thought should just, the most important thing is if we say you're the best, that's true.

[3170] All that matters is that you're the best.

[3171] It's true.

[3172] But inherently, can't you just say you're great?

[3173] No, because you're the best.

[3174] God.

[3175] Like, I loved it.

[3176] It was great.

[3177] Oh, my gosh.

[3178] I want to go back.

[3179] Like, these are things I can wrap my head around.

[3180] But, but it's why, I mean, look, I'm not, it is my issue.

[3181] I'm not, it's not your, either of your issues.

[3182] But I understand, I fully understand what you're saying.

[3183] But all that matters to me, it's like, if you tell me I'm the, let's say this, you say to me, Monica, you're the funniest person I've ever met.

[3184] What's important to me is that you really believe that.

[3185] Now, if you tell Jess, he's the funniest person you, I don't actually care.

[3186] As long as you were sincere about when you told it to me, that makes me really happy.

[3187] Okay.

[3188] Yeah.

[3189] I just can't.

[3190] I'm just not like that.

[3191] Would that how would that affect you, Sharon?

[3192] No, I can.

[3193] The same.

[3194] No, with who?

[3195] Me or him?

[3196] Yes.

[3197] The same.

[3198] Aaron, wouldn't you, if I'm not.

[3199] When I said you were the funniest person I've ever met and then you saw me the next day tell Jess he was the funniest person, wouldn't you be like, hmm, hmm, hmm, I think I would believe that you thought I was the funniest.

[3200] They just said it to, just to be nice.

[3201] Oh, that's great.

[3202] That's a lot of confidence.

[3203] So I think I would believe you.

[3204] Yeah, I just think if I heard someone.

[3205] I think Sassy Feld would say you and I are the funniest person she's ever met.

[3206] she'd say people and that's more normal that's a normal thing people would do but I'm just going to say here and now if I heard someone say that I'd be like you're an unpredictable person and you're full of shit right not you because you I haven't heard you say that but I wouldn't like it but I do I catch myself in this all the time but it's not it's not hypocritical like there are several people I think are the funniest comedians a lot And they're in a group of fun and comedians.

[3207] Because they've hit a level that's not been surpassed.

[3208] It's like, yeah, it's like a gold medalist.

[3209] There's multiple gold medalists.

[3210] You know, it's like Hussein Bolt one year and then it was another.

[3211] And I can say to both of them that.

[3212] You're the fastest person I've ever met.

[3213] Yeah, or you're the fastest person.

[3214] But like, that's not true.

[3215] One of them is faster than the other.

[3216] I think there are multiple comedians that I don't think one's better than the other, but I think they're the best there is.

[3217] But can't it just be like You're one of the best there is Or you're one of the funniest comedians In the world Like there's a way to frame it Where all of that is true But it becomes immediately not true By verbiage alone Yeah I know what you're saying You know what I mean Semantically it's incorrect Yeah I guess I'm obsessed with grammar Yeah because the spirit's more important to me Than the semantics of it Okay But for the record Richard Pryor's the funniest That's ever lived And actually he is but also David Letterman is just as funny as him and is good and the best comedian to ever live and Bill Murray So those three Those three are your favorite comedians Of all time I gotta go I gotta go Do you sign off on that list?

[3218] I like that list I mean Richard Pryor's a given Yeah I mean I'll do you want to add anyone To the best of all time Dave Chappelle No he would make I would call him the best comedian Of all time Yeah for sure But but Richard Pryor though Oh yeah Richard Pryor is for sure the best of all time And I think Dave would recognize That he's the best of all time And that he's the best of all time and that Also Richard Pryor's better I can't Gallagher Oh the dice man Oh god Now we're got Oh Oh Okay well we solve nothing But we, that's all right.

[3219] We had fun doing that.

[3220] We sure did.

[3221] That's all that matters.

[3222] I love you.

[3223] Love you.

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