Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Hi, my name is Nicole Beyer, and I feel, hmm, giddy about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[1] Giddy, I'll take Giddy.
[2] Fall is here, hling the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[4] We are going to be friends.
[5] Hello there.
[6] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[7] I am the aforementioned Conan O 'Brien and joined I believe in I believe that these should be a little more formal joined by the erstwhile I'm the aforementioned friend buddy no no you're no friend of mine He needs you You are an appendage You are a necessary part in a very large car A small greasy part It's still a part It's necessary Matt Goreley And then of course Yes, you are necessary.
[8] Without you, the transmission would...
[9] It's too late.
[10] I quit.
[11] The car broke down.
[12] Okay.
[13] All right.
[14] Wait, I just replaced it with a different part.
[15] And it's humming along even better than before.
[16] I'm free.
[17] Leave me on the road.
[18] I'm the useless part on the car.
[19] No, no, of course not.
[20] These were all just jibes, joshes, and jokaroos.
[21] I'm just kidding with you there, Sona.
[22] You look good.
[23] Man, your hair bun, and we describe to the listener right now, it's really high.
[24] Is it?
[25] Yeah.
[26] Yeah, and your headset is pushed up against it.
[27] I'm sorry.
[28] I have coils in it.
[29] Why do you have coils in there?
[30] Because it can put my hair in a bun without messing out my curls.
[31] You know what's fun?
[32] Isn't that crazy?
[33] Look at that.
[34] Yeah, look at that.
[35] Yeah, there's two of them holding them together.
[36] Good Lord.
[37] Don't make things about jokes about how, like, how greasy it is and stuff.
[38] Oh, no, I was going to do that.
[39] So much product in my hair.
[40] You already called me greasy.
[41] Doesn't this look like a Victorian birth control device?
[42] It is.
[43] It does.
[44] It's a weird spring.
[45] That's how my first child was not conceived.
[46] You've kept track of all the children that have not been conceived over the years for different reasons.
[47] The billions and billions of them.
[48] Okay, you're taking a lot of metal out of your hair.
[49] Are you okay?
[50] What's happening?
[51] How do you get through an airport detector?
[52] You have a Saturday night special in there.
[53] You told me about my hair being up.
[54] You have an early printing press in there.
[55] You can keep so much stuff in that thick hair of your hair.
[56] can conceal so much.
[57] It's a vein of iron ore. Yeah.
[58] It's just two coils.
[59] Look, a late 50s Japanese robot just came out.
[60] Ha, Kaiju!
[61] Oh, stop it!
[62] Oh, man. Yeah, I got a lot.
[63] There's a lot in there.
[64] There's a lot in there.
[65] Yeah, you're one to talk about hair being high, though.
[66] Yes.
[67] You're too high hairers over here.
[68] We are.
[69] I'm a low hair guy.
[70] You are.
[71] Yeah.
[72] I got nobody.
[73] That's right.
[74] And I got nobody.
[75] Oh, my God.
[76] Oh, God.
[77] I got no friends.
[78] Do you have friends?
[79] I actually don't know if you have friends.
[80] You've asked me this before, yes.
[81] I have...
[82] But seriously, who are they?
[83] What do you mean?
[84] I got Jimmy Blades.
[85] I got J -Town.
[86] I got Malarkey McConville.
[87] You got Bill, et cetera.
[88] You don't have any friends, do you?
[89] Do you have like a group?
[90] We're not bros. We don't fall in bro class.
[91] Do you have friends?
[92] Of course I have friends.
[93] I have great friends.
[94] No, but you say that and then fake names come out and you do jokes to divert, do you really have friends?
[95] Yes, and those aren't fake names.
[96] They're nicknames, but they're the nicknames of my best friends.
[97] That's not, that was not.
[98] Your bros, your entourage.
[99] That's what bros do is they give each other nicknames.
[100] Not these bros. These are, um, we're not bros. We're just, we're like boom companions.
[101] Yes.
[102] We're just pals.
[103] We call each other buddies.
[104] Hi, buddy.
[105] All right.
[106] That's nice.
[107] Do you have nicknames for your crew?
[108] I know, I don't.
[109] Okay.
[110] Do you?
[111] Yeah.
[112] What are your nicknames for your crew?
[113] One is awful.
[114] I've been calling her.
[115] Piss since we were 12.
[116] Oh, I remember this because at your book event, she said, hi, what's her real name?
[117] Christina.
[118] Yeah, I wouldn't know that.
[119] Yeah, how do you get Piss from Christina?
[120] Well, it was amazing because she said, hi, I'm Christina.
[121] You probably know me as Piss.
[122] So why do you call her Piss?
[123] We were 12 and I accidentally said, I was going to say Chris and I said Piss instead.
[124] And I was like, oh my God, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
[125] And then I just called her Piss forever.
[126] It's great.
[127] She saved under my phone as Piss when my parents are like, I say, oh, Christina's coming over.
[128] they're like, piss.
[129] I was like, yeah.
[130] And everyone just knows her as piss.
[131] It's awful.
[132] And she has two kids now.
[133] So I'm trying to stop calling her piss, but it's stuck.
[134] Yeah.
[135] It's solid.
[136] That's a solid nickname.
[137] That's a good nickname.
[138] Is it?
[139] Yeah.
[140] No. It's not good.
[141] Well, it's better than urine.
[142] Yeah, that's true.
[143] That's two syllables.
[144] Has she ever gone on like a loveline radio show connection thing and go like, I'd love to send a song out to Brian.
[145] Would you tell him that piss loves her?
[146] She won't refer to herself as Pitt.
[147] She did when I met her.
[148] That's true, but I think that's because she knows you know, you're meeting her in my context.
[149] I was in a bookstore yesterday and I saw Sona's book and this is a legitimate bookstore.
[150] What the hell does that mean?
[151] And I held up the book and said, oh my God, my assistant wrote a book about me and the woman who runs the bookstore said, are you okay with that?
[152] And she thought it was, you know, like a mean tell -all.
[153] And I said, yeah, it's all pretty truthful, sure.
[154] But the woman who ran the bookstore was really horrified.
[155] Oh.
[156] Is you talking about this New York Times bestselling book?
[157] Yeah, New York Times bestseller.
[158] It's incredible.
[159] Are you, does it anger you that I am a New York Times bestseller?
[160] No, because you got in under a special category.
[161] What is the, what do you mean?
[162] Immigrant writing.
[163] Okay, that's not, I'm not even an immigrant.
[164] That's not even a category.
[165] What are you talking about?
[166] It is.
[167] That's, well, yeah.
[168] No, you can't make things up to make it make more sense.
[169] No, I am very proud of you.
[170] There's something legitimately wrong that I am and you haven't yet.
[171] Like, you will eventually.
[172] Well, first of all, yes, whenever I decide to write my tome, it will immediately rock it to the top of the charts.
[173] It will.
[174] I really, it's minded just off of your back.
[175] I'm just saying it.
[176] It's a very funny book.
[177] Yes.
[178] And listen, I do not begrudge you any of your success.
[179] Not at all.
[180] But, but this is ironic and it felt like you would approve.
[181] I shoplifted the book.
[182] Oh, wow.
[183] You were a great idea.
[184] Yeah.
[185] And then the old woman caught me on my way out.
[186] So I struck her several times and ran.
[187] And now I'm wanted.
[188] You could never shoplifted.
[189] I could never beat up an old woman.
[190] I know that part I was like, oh, that makes sense.
[191] I went to, I swung at her.
[192] She ducked and she said, come at me, swizzles stick.
[193] I found the shoplifting part more strange than you beating up a woman.
[194] I know.
[195] That would happen.
[196] An old lady.
[197] Anyway, my guest today is a hilarious comedian who hosts the popular podcast.
[198] Why Won't You Date Me?
[199] And the hit Netflix baking show Nailed It.
[200] She's nominated for three.
[201] Good Lord.
[202] Three Emmys this year for Nailed It and her comedy special, Nicole Byer, BBW.
[203] Big, beautiful weirdo.
[204] I'm thrilled.
[205] She's here.
[206] I'm a big fan.
[207] She always makes me laugh.
[208] Nicole Beyer, welcome.
[209] I was commenting when you came in, you are extremely busy.
[210] You're a very busy person, and I'm happy for you because everything's going your way.
[211] But, I mean, you're doing so much right now, and you're handling it okay?
[212] Yes.
[213] Okay, you got to pause and think about it.
[214] Okay, sometimes I get real tired.
[215] And, okay, so I recorded a podcast with my best friends this year.
[216] It's called Best Friends.
[217] and we had a live show.
[218] And at the live show, I was like, Sashir, did we record this week?
[219] I literally don't remember.
[220] And she was like, yeah, we had to put a disclaimer at the top to say that you were really tired.
[221] I truly don't remember doing it.
[222] And before we started, I do like vaguely remember sitting in front of my computer being like, and Kimmy, our producer, being like, do you want to do this another day?
[223] And I was like, I'm here, let's do it.
[224] And then I listened to the episode.
[225] I sound like I'm in slow -mo.
[226] Well, first of all, how are you right now?
[227] Are you going to remember this appearance on this podcast, you will.
[228] Yes, I will.
[229] You're present.
[230] Yes, I went to sleep at midnight 30.
[231] Midnight 30.
[232] So I'm good, well rested.
[233] Good.
[234] And because you know what?
[235] I've known you for a number of years.
[236] You're one of my favorite all -time guests because you are a love.
[237] Seriously, you're, first of all, no one sings my name like you do.
[238] That Conan song you do is just amazing.
[239] And failed to chart for reasons we don't understand.
[240] It's the lyrics.
[241] It's the lyrics, you think.
[242] Yeah, because it's just Conan.
[243] Any other name.
[244] I would have done much of.
[245] Nigel.
[246] Up the charts, number one.
[247] Otis, number one.
[248] No, but, you know, I've known you.
[249] You're such a warm -hearted, upbeat person.
[250] Whenever I'm with you, I, when you leave, I'm in a better mood, and my skin is exfoliated, everything.
[251] I'm just in a, I'm in a better world when I hang out with you.
[252] So I can't imagine you losing your temper.
[253] Like if you show, because there's a lot of people imposing on your time right now, you're hosting different TV shows, you've got stand -up specials, you're the queen of the podcast, you've got all this happening.
[254] You must lose it sometimes.
[255] Sometimes, I don't like when people are mean or rude to me or like speak to me in a certain kind of way, especially if we're all just trying to work together.
[256] Recently, there was this PA, his name is Winston, I hate him.
[257] Yes!
[258] Go!
[259] Go, go, go.
[260] And he was just so rude to me. He was bringing me to set on a golf cart, and he was like, he knocked on my door, the hardest anyone has ever knocked in the whole wide world.
[261] And truly, like, my trailer was shaking.
[262] He was like, nah, they need you in five minutes.
[263] And I was like, okay.
[264] And then he knocked again.
[265] He's like, it might be a moment.
[266] And I was like, it might be a moment.
[267] So I just said, take me now.
[268] And he was like, no, it might be a moment.
[269] And I was like, Winston, just take me. And he was like, no. And I was like, no. And then he took me. And then they ended up using me. And then we got into it again the next day.
[270] And then I was like, hey, Winston, I think you're rude.
[271] I don't like the way you talk to me. He's like, I don't like the way you talk to me. And like, no offense, Winston, the reason you have a job is because of me, so maybe be nice to me?
[272] And then he was like, no. And then I was like, leave.
[273] And then he was like, no. And then I just moved him to a different department.
[274] Okay, first of all, I'm going to make it my mission in life to fuck up Winston.
[275] Yes, I hate Winston.
[276] He suck.
[277] Winston, I'm coming for you.
[278] Yes.
[279] And no one's afraid of that.
[280] You just made him strong.
[281] You listen to me when sending I'm coming for you.
[282] I'll thrash you with my thrashers.
[283] I don't know.
[284] You have long arms.
[285] I think you could really hit somebody without them seeing it coming.
[286] Well, why'd you just say long arms?
[287] They're all so well -muscled.
[288] Sure, yes.
[289] There's force behind the long arms.
[290] Bluh.
[291] Can you do anything in editing to make that sound a little more?
[292] To make your arms look bigger?
[293] No. I meant audio on what she's saying.
[294] Yes, see you some muscle.
[295] Please.
[296] I need testosterone for that and that's not happening.
[297] You could go to Mexico you can get anything you want.
[298] You're right.
[299] I went to a pharmacy and they asked me if I wanted steroids and I was like, does it look like?
[300] I've been using steroids.
[301] Why are you asking just me?
[302] I'm in a group of people.
[303] I was very confused.
[304] I was like, do people down here get steroids to be fat?
[305] I was very confused and nobody answered my quote.
[306] Oh my God, I'm so tired.
[307] My question.
[308] I'm telling you, I have pharmacists all the time that come out of the pharmacy, see me on the street and try and lure me in to give me free testosterone.
[309] So this is something I've encountered before.
[310] They're like, please, it's on us.
[311] It's on the house.
[312] We just want you to be a little bit more masculine.
[313] Please, it's for the greater good.
[314] That'd be very funny.
[315] It's not funny when you live it.
[316] Yeah, so I can see, first of all, you, I understand that.
[317] I don't understand why Winston.
[318] I don't understand this world we're in where Winston thinks he can talk to that way.
[319] I don't know either.
[320] Because you're the person who is, yes, paying his way.
[321] Now, that doesn't mean you can be rude to him.
[322] But it certainly doesn't mean he can be rude to you.
[323] Yeah, and if I'm short with you, I will apologize.
[324] Because, you know, sometimes you feel a little pressure to do things or there's a ton of shit on your plate and you're short with somebody.
[325] But I always try to be like, I'm sorry.
[326] Was I rude to you?
[327] If I was, I'm sorry.
[328] I just want everyone to be nice, you know.
[329] Well, that's not happening.
[330] But it could.
[331] I think it, I don't know.
[332] Maybe we're just not wired that way, humans.
[333] It should.
[334] You're right.
[335] You're right.
[336] It should be that way.
[337] But clearly, humanity, we don't know.
[338] That's a whole bigger question we need to answer is, can all humans be nice.
[339] I'm not sure they can.
[340] You can.
[341] All you have to do is just be like, I'll be nice right now.
[342] And then if you catch yourself not being nice, you just go, I said, I want nice.
[343] Yeah.
[344] You could take some pointers from her, I think.
[345] My audio hasn't been, my headphones were one out.
[346] I didn't get that last part.
[347] But I'll go back and listen for it later.
[348] And I won't repeat it.
[349] You'll have to listen.
[350] No, I don't listen to this podcast.
[351] You know what I can't imagine in this same category is Sona, my assistant, who's out right now, the person who fills in for her is David Hopping.
[352] And David, I can't imagine you getting angry at someone.
[353] It's rare.
[354] And I've heard it's scary when it happens.
[355] Well, I mean, first of all, if you ever lost it on me, I don't even know it involves alcohol.
[356] Oh.
[357] Oh, no. You have to be a little buzz to do it.
[358] Otherwise, I just bottle it all in.
[359] Okay.
[360] Have you been really mad at me and not been able to let it out?
[361] Speak freely.
[362] I think so.
[363] No. They haven't.
[364] Well, can I just at least hear what it's like when you're angry?
[365] I don't think I can even channel it.
[366] Well, try it.
[367] Hey, you know, David, nice shirt, you know, who died and then gave you the shirt because the shirt looks like a dead person.
[368] David, you've been blacklisted from Disneyland.
[369] How about this?
[370] David, your mom's stupid.
[371] What?
[372] What?
[373] That's your angry?
[374] What?
[375] Oh, wait, he's coming across the table.
[376] He's going to have some angry.
[377] Oh.
[378] It's drinking angry water.
[379] He's drinking.
[380] water angrily.
[381] No, I can't imagine David getting mad.
[382] I just can't.
[383] I'll fix your little red wagon.
[384] You'll probably say something like that.
[385] I'll adjust the wheels on your little red wagon.
[386] Mr. That's the way you would get angry.
[387] You do have like an adorable, gentle face.
[388] So I feel like if you yelled at me, I'd be like, come on.
[389] Yeah, yeah.
[390] You would, what are we doing here?
[391] Now, how are you adjusting to fame?
[392] You're quite well known.
[393] And when you are walking along, Are you okay with people saying, hey, I know you from Nailed It?
[394] Do they, are you okay with that?
[395] Yeah, it doesn't really happen that often.
[396] I'm pretty like, I'm moderately successful.
[397] The world grounds me. I remember I was once going to Seth Myers to do his show.
[398] And there was a ton of paparazzi.
[399] It was the first time I'd been your paparazzi.
[400] But I think Kevin Hart was there.
[401] And I think they were there for him.
[402] And as I was walking, they were like, you know, taking pictures being nice.
[403] And then I heard a small child, I go, Mama, who is she?
[404] And then the mom said, that's a person.
[405] So the world truly grounds me at every turn But when people recognize me It's very nice I just went to Comic -Con There's so many nerds What a thought I just went to NASA and bunched into some scientist What's that all about?
[406] It was as if a casting director casted all these people They were like I was like this is like movie level nerds Like it was wild But there's this little boy who came to the podcast recording I did And he was really sweet He asked for a picture His parents did And then I was speaking to him He wouldn't answer me And he like started welling up with tears And I was like do you hate me Do you like me?
[407] Do you like me?
[408] He like nodded his head And I asked him if he wanted to hug And then he like really started bawling And that was really really sweet So things like that are really like nice Well kids must recognize you because Oh kids love me They love you It's so wild Never in my wildest dreams That I think children would like me But I guess They don't see adults having fun very often.
[409] Like usually it's like a parent being like, don't do that.
[410] Yeah, I'm tired.
[411] And then I'm like, bab, blah, here's a cake.
[412] They're like, I like that, big lady.
[413] That adult's fun.
[414] So I think that's why they like me. But kids are also so honest, so I take it as a huge compliment.
[415] Oh, they don't lie.
[416] If a kid doesn't like you, a kid will say I don't like you.
[417] Yeah, I don't like you at all, but they seem to really like me. So whenever adults are like, you're not funny, I'm like, children think I am.
[418] So you're wrong.
[419] That's what I say to people.
[420] I have my own version of that.
[421] Well, people with very low intelligence like me. People whose prefrontal cortex hasn't formed yet really love me. So there.
[422] Accident victims.
[423] People that lost a part of their skull at a hunting accident think I'm hilarious.
[424] It gets very, very specific.
[425] Yeah, but are you, so you handle it pretty well.
[426] It sounds like you're doing well with all of this.
[427] John Zena.
[428] one said to me, because I was like, oh, don't you hate it when people are like, I can't see you?
[429] He was like, no, Nicole, that's what people know about me. They're just trying to connect.
[430] They don't know me really.
[431] They just know what I show them.
[432] And when they say it to me, I'm happy because they're taking it in and they like me. And that's nice, isn't it?
[433] And I was like, I know.
[434] I didn't realize John Sina is such a font of wisdom.
[435] Oh, he really is.
[436] He sounds like an oracle and a Greek tragedy, you know?
[437] He kind of is.
[438] Let me tell you the truth.
[439] John Sina, I've heard you, I mean, I've met him, and he's seen.
[440] seems like a very intelligent, nice guy.
[441] But I love that he's that grounded.
[442] Yeah.
[443] And then when people complete the course, they'll be like, you can't see me. Oh, man, I wanted to finish this just to meet you.
[444] And he'll be like, meet me. Oh, all right.
[445] I'll come down and I'll meet you.
[446] And they're like, oh, I didn't know.
[447] And he'll, like, go down and he'll, like, meet them and hug them and talk to them.
[448] He's the nicest person I've ever met in my whole life.
[449] And it's also so funny when people complete the course.
[450] They're always like, Tresita, I love you.
[451] And I'm like, I'm sitting here too.
[452] I'm waiting for a compliment.
[453] Do you want to give me one?
[454] It's like, you know, John Cena totally eclipses you.
[455] I find it, I'm the same way.
[456] I always find it refreshing when things bring me back down to earth like that because I find that in life, whenever you have a moment of, oh my God, I really enjoy your work, it's quickly followed by someone else saying something that takes you in the exact amount that the other person raised you, it takes you in the other direction, equal and opposite.
[457] Yeah.
[458] And it balances out.
[459] out the universe.
[460] Yeah, after stand -up shows, ladies like to be like, oh, you inspire me to, like, show my arms.
[461] Fat ladies don't like to show their arms.
[462] So they'll be like, you help me with that.
[463] And then their boyfriends will be like, and I think you're pretty funny.
[464] Didn't know who the fuck you were before.
[465] But like, now I kind of know.
[466] And like, you should keep doing this.
[467] You're good at it.
[468] And I'm like, thank you.
[469] So I was at a party recently, and there was some interesting people at this party.
[470] And it was, it was, I won't say where it was.
[471] but just people that I don't think are around showbiz folk much and someone said to me I'll have to say I'm a big fan of your work even though I don't understand your sense of humor and I said excuse me and he said I really I really am a fan big fan I really don't like your sense of humor but I'm a fan and I don't understand and this person was in their 70s I think and he said where you've got that you know that sense of humor you have And it's not for me at all, but I'm a fan.
[472] I'm a fan.
[473] And I thought, stop saying I'm a fan because if you don't like my sense of humor, you do not like me. And that's okay, but you can't have it both ways.
[474] And so it was really fascinating me. Perplexing.
[475] Wait, he was 70?
[476] I want to say he was in his 70s.
[477] Were you at a retirement home?
[478] Is this where this was?
[479] Is that why you don't want to say you hang out of retirement homes?
[480] I often go to retirement homes to try and get validation from much older people.
[481] Were you in hospice?
[482] Yeah.
[483] No, it was an older gentleman.
[484] They're allowed to roam the earth.
[485] Are they?
[486] They are.
[487] Yeah, not without guidance.
[488] Yeah.
[489] So anyway, I just, I like that.
[490] Literally, on, I spent the next, on the ride home, I'm in the car with my wife, and I'm just saying, big fan, don't enjoy your comedy.
[491] I don't understand.
[492] Maybe he likes your height, your hair.
[493] We did make out for a while.
[494] He likes them juicy lips.
[495] It was, it was fantastic.
[496] You know, how are you with criticism?
[497] because here's how we're different.
[498] I don't seek out comments about myself on the internet, but I know that you read stuff.
[499] Sometimes.
[500] You read DMs and stuff.
[501] I would, that's just something I would never do.
[502] Well, I read them because I read like nasty come -ons on why won't you date me. So I like go through my DMs and whatnot.
[503] But yeah, if somebody wants to say something mean to me, that's fine.
[504] Comedy's subjective.
[505] My check's clear.
[506] If that makes you feel better, then like by all means, sure.
[507] I'll retweet you.
[508] I'll respond to you.
[509] My favorite one was, this man was like, I hate you, you suck, you stop doing comedy, kill yourself.
[510] And I was like, did that make you feel better?
[511] And then they wrote back, I was having a really bad day.
[512] I'm sorry I directed it at you.
[513] Keep making people laugh, but not me. Wait, was this the 70 year old?
[514] Yeah, same guy.
[515] Same guy.
[516] I'm probably a son or something.
[517] But I was like, I love that you doubled that.
[518] It was very funny.
[519] I think this is true most of the time.
[520] If someone's writing something horrible, if you could immediately knock on their door, you would probably encounter someone who didn't really feel that way about you.
[521] There's a lot of stuff online.
[522] First of all, I think there are a lot of people who think online is to hate.
[523] It's for extremes.
[524] You're the best in the world or I wish you would die.
[525] You're Satan.
[526] And there's no in between.
[527] But if you did confront those people in real life, I don't think a lot of them would double down on that feeling.
[528] Yeah, I think very few people would be like, no, I meant it.
[529] Fuck you.
[530] But I think most people would be like, oh, I was just looking for attention.
[531] And if you need attention, like, that's fine.
[532] I don't know.
[533] I don't mind when people have negative things to say.
[534] Right.
[535] Because everything is subjective.
[536] Do you know what I mean?
[537] I wish you could say I do.
[538] I do.
[539] But like, what difference does it make to your life?
[540] That's something about myself that I wish I could change.
[541] I wish I had a little bit more what the fuck in me. I think that would be very good for me to have that because I'm still, if I feel that someone's displeased, my initial reaction.
[542] Now, it doesn't mean I can't recover from it, is what did I do wrong?
[543] Did I offend them in some way?
[544] Is there a way I could fix this?
[545] And I wish I didn't have that.
[546] My dial is up to 11.
[547] I wish I could take it down to like four.
[548] I think that would be...
[549] Well, if someone says something negative about you and you know you didn't actually offend them, just like open your bank account after and be like, that's good.
[550] That's a good idea.
[551] My wife won't let me have access.
[552] Oh, no!
[553] She controls the money.
[554] I understand.
[555] I understand.
[556] I bought millions and millions of dollars worth of ventriloquist dummies and my wife got legal control of and in the intervention all the ventriloquist dummies were there and they sided with my wife.
[557] She's got a point.
[558] And you were doing their voices.
[559] I was doing their voices.
[560] I was running to each one.
[561] It's really sad.
[562] There's no money for your children to have an education.
[563] I like this reality where she didn't just leave you.
[564] You know, she's like, no, I'll get the money.
[565] No, no, she wants a few more years.
[566] She sees that I'm still an earner.
[567] She wants a few more years.
[568] And then she'll put me in the home where everyone there will say.
[569] Big fan, but we don't like your comedy.
[570] I've never understood your comedy.
[571] It doesn't work for me. How's your life going?
[572] You know, with the sex life.
[573] May I ask me and Trude?
[574] I mean, this is something that you're always very open.
[575] about and I don't get to ask anyone else that you know you could I try not employees because that's called harassment I learned that the hard way I'd say oh so you'd like to work here at team cocoa would you well first question how's your sex life and then I find out from these quote lawyers that I'm in the wrong so anyway I learn my lesson my sex life is pretty good she'd be having it it be good she'd be giving them titty's hot That's nice.
[576] Wait, you like having them haunt?
[577] Yeah, honk, honk, honk.
[578] Doesn't wait, I'm just sorry.
[579] That would, doesn't sound like, if things are heating up, if things are heating up, and a guy is like, a hanka, hanka, honka, honka, honka, honka, honka, honka.
[580] I would think you would go south.
[581] Yeah, and they're dancing around the room.
[582] I'm here for a hank honka honk, honk.
[583] I was once going down on a man, and I was like, give me that dick and he was like Nicole you can't do that anymore I will not have sex with you anymore if you do that so I like fun times other people don't oh wait he didn't like that you said in a sort of a fun I'm gonna suck your dick well first of I just say no one wants no one wants oral sex from Cookie Monster it's I won't have that dick cookie crumbs just go flying along with other things and so that's no no one I could see the guy being a little thrown off by that are you doing a lot of voices and schick when you're well not anymore because people don't enjoy it well I don't know you might okay I'm just saying I mean am I allowed to speak freely here no I think I think I just just saying hypothetical if you or I were engaged in something like that that that's your brand and I mean am I allowed to speak freely here no I think I think I just just saying hypothetical if you or I were engaged in something like that that that's your brand and I I would be honored to have that.
[584] You know what I'm saying?
[585] Oh, wow.
[586] Are you hitting on me?
[587] Well, maybe.
[588] Maybe.
[589] Where's this going?
[590] Come on.
[591] That would be a magical and erotic treat through the wonderlands of Nicole Byer's sex life.
[592] I know, but first of all, back off.
[593] Yes.
[594] Do I need lawyers?
[595] You do, and you need a lot of lawyers now.
[596] I do apologize.
[597] No, no, no, no. But I think what you're saying is valid.
[598] I know you, and I know that if someone was, if you were a lover, was engaged in an act with you and suddenly started to impersonate one of the Watergate burglars.
[599] Pretty hot.
[600] You would love it.
[601] I'd probably finish right there.
[602] Yeah, yeah.
[603] You're constantly closing your eyes and pretending it's Halderman and Ehrlichman.
[604] That flat top, man. Oh, boy.
[605] Freak.
[606] Anyway, so, but this, in the current situation, all is well.
[607] Have you found someone who appreciates your sense of humor in sensual moments, or is it just across the board?
[608] You're not allowed to do that.
[609] It's like across the board.
[610] Most of the people I've hooked up with are like, please don't do that.
[611] There's got to be someone that appreciates that.
[612] That's who you are.
[613] I think this is wrong.
[614] Is this Winston again?
[615] Well, I think it might be maybe, I don't want to speak for people, but maybe they don't want like a performance.
[616] Like they want just me, which is just kind of quieter.
[617] No, I scream a lot at home.
[618] I don't know, less on, I guess.
[619] Like I'm loud, but I'm not like necessarily.
[620] necessarily performing.
[621] So maybe people want like real connections or something like that?
[622] I have to say it's not even what you're saying but if I heard give me that dick I might try I might run away because I think someone wants to take it from me that's what it sounds like you know it sounds like it's going to leave my body and go with them and I would be afraid well no I don't want to take it well here's the thing if in the wild if you encounter a creature and they said the worst thing you can do is run.
[623] But if you get scared, that's the natural reaction.
[624] If I heard, give me that dick, I would start to run.
[625] That's just what I would do.
[626] Oh.
[627] In life, whenever I've heard, give me that dick, I run.
[628] Well, you're not allowed.
[629] What you're usually hearing is give me that comma, dick.
[630] Meaning like, give me that pen, dick.
[631] Oh, no, and work.
[632] That's constantly I'm running.
[633] Yeah.
[634] And I forgot, I didn't hear the comma.
[635] I didn't hear the pause.
[636] Yeah.
[637] But, well, that's good.
[638] You know, I'm glad that you're.
[639] How do you meet people?
[640] Can I ask that?
[641] Oh, apps.
[642] It would be nice to meet someone in person, but I'm on Tinder, Raya, OKCupid, Bumble, Hinge.
[643] There was a thing, it was like a Fat Lady app, and I can't remember.
[644] I think it's called like Woo Plus.
[645] And I'm sure, oh, coffee meets bagel.
[646] I think there's another one.
[647] But yeah, eight apps.
[648] I'm like eight apps.
[649] Can I say something?
[650] I can't list this number of anything.
[651] I can't name that number of anything in the universe and you just tore through those I've been on them for a long time it's been a long time okay so you go on these and I'm a complete stranger in this world I have been married for a long time I was never on an app so I don't understand it I don't understand how it works do you then go meet these people in a neutral area yeah well I mean it depends what do you like if you're trying to fuck you go to, like, a place with a bed, like a home.
[652] Or if you're trying to connect, you go to, like, a bar or dinner, you meet them in public.
[653] And it's made clear when you respond which of those two it is.
[654] Yeah.
[655] I'm like a police officer, by the way, question.
[656] So, romantic.
[657] No, I just want to know.
[658] I don't know how it all works.
[659] I don't know anything about that.
[660] So usually, I like when people message me first.
[661] So they'll say something like, hey, cutie.
[662] And I'm like, hi.
[663] I'm never excited to answer anybody.
[664] And then lately, because I'm older now, so now I'm, like, horny for love or whatever.
[665] I'm like, I want love, I think.
[666] You know, a dick is a dick.
[667] It just has to be attached to someone nice now.
[668] I just use someone to be nice to me. So I'm not looking to hook up anymore.
[669] So you have to, like, ask me on a date.
[670] Right.
[671] So I understood, understood.
[672] Because I didn't, I don't know how I would do if I, I were somehow single now and on apps.
[673] I don't think you would have to get on an app.
[674] Did you know you're famous?
[675] So, like, people would find somebody for you.
[676] They'd be like, Conan.
[677] Who are these people?
[678] Who would find them?
[679] Who would find them?
[680] Who would find them?
[681] You have friends.
[682] You do have friends.
[683] I know you do.
[684] Same for you, too.
[685] You're famous now, right?
[686] I'm mildly successful.
[687] Yeah, I bet you could just have your pick of the litter.
[688] No. You'd be surprised.
[689] I am surprised.
[690] I think there might be, sometimes, there are men who are intimidated by a successful woman.
[691] And that shouldn't be the case, but I'm sure that is, and you are quite successful.
[692] Thank you.
[693] You do very well.
[694] You're bringing in the bucks.
[695] And then you meet some guy, and he works at Jiffy Loub and he's intimidated.
[696] Yeah, but he shouldn't be, because he could change the oil in my Jeep.
[697] We can do it together.
[698] That's nice.
[699] You have a Jeep.
[700] Uh -huh.
[701] Okay.
[702] Yeah, so if you see me, don't wave.
[703] No, I'm kidding.
[704] You can wave.
[705] I got a Wrangler, because it's an interactive car.
[706] Because it has a Jeep wave.
[707] You go, boop.
[708] If you see other people in another Jeep and go, boop, you're supposed to give them the V sign?
[709] Yeah, you drive and you go, boop.
[710] And nobody ever does it back to me, and it makes me so sad.
[711] People in Tesla's give each other the finger.
[712] Yeah.
[713] Because they know the other guy's an asshole, too.
[714] Did you know that there's a model S, a model three, a model X, and a model Y, and it spells out sexy?
[715] Yes.
[716] Isn't that?
[717] I think it's so funny.
[718] That's a long play, by the way.
[719] because they had to unroll out each one slowly over time.
[720] It's funny if you know it's coming from anyone other than Elon Musk, you know.
[721] I think it's funny either way.
[722] I mean, he is objectively very, very funny.
[723] He's so funny.
[724] There's also the whoopee cushion function in the Tesla where you can...
[725] It's pretty funny.
[726] What?
[727] You can set a whoopee cushion to the stereo spectrum of any of the four seats to make it seem like one person.
[728] And the car farts.
[729] Yeah, yeah.
[730] And guess what?
[731] That burns up.
[732] All the carbon that you're saving with the battery is, is used up by the fart function.
[733] They have to burn.
[734] There's a, there's a bucket of coal in every Tesla that burns so that the little practical jokes in the Tesla can operate.
[735] No one knows why that's necessary, but it does.
[736] So it's not carbon neutral anymore.
[737] Did I hear that you took up a special hobby during the whole shutdown, the whole COVID shutdown?
[738] What is it?
[739] I was told you were doing pole dancing.
[740] Oh, yes.
[741] Well, I was doing it before the pandemic.
[742] And then during the pandemic, I spent a lot of time doing it because I was like, what the fuck else am I going to do?
[743] But yeah, I love pole dancing.
[744] It's hard.
[745] I have to say, years ago, I took a course because there was a, I was taught a course on the late night show.
[746] And someone came on and was showing me how to pole dance.
[747] And I was stunned at how hard it is to support your body on that pole.
[748] It's so hard.
[749] And then you wake up the next day and you're like, hmm, muscles I didn't know I have hurt.
[750] Yeah.
[751] But so many single dollar bills.
[752] So many.
[753] I don't know how the girls dance over the dollar bills and don't slip and fall.
[754] Oh.
[755] Because I slip and fall over nothing.
[756] Right.
[757] I think there's a lot.
[758] There's just a lot you need to learn if you're going to be a stripper.
[759] Mm -hmm.
[760] I would love to be a stripper.
[761] Would you really?
[762] Oh, yes.
[763] If I had just taken a couple different paths, probably I'd be a stripper.
[764] Yeah.
[765] I think it's fun.
[766] Well, it might be fun to do once, but to do it over and over and over again.
[767] That same creepy guy always gets the same chair at the bar.
[768] Yeah, but then.
[769] about myself and keeps asking for pour some sugar on me and keeps holding a very small bill out that you're supposed to come over and squeeze it between your titties, you know?
[770] And then you look at it and it's like a $2 bill.
[771] Who's on the $2 bill?
[772] I think it's Gerald Ford.
[773] But anyway, it's very, it's not a good bill.
[774] Who is on the $2 bill?
[775] Thomas Jefferson?
[776] Is it?
[777] I got it right?
[778] Yeah, it is Thomas Jefferson.
[779] Yeah.
[780] I have a bunch of $2.
[781] of bills.
[782] Do you really?
[783] Yeah.
[784] Any time I get one, I keep it.
[785] I keep them too.
[786] You guys have them all.
[787] We have all seven $2 bills that are left in circulation.
[788] I have one as well.
[789] I have like four or five of them.
[790] I just like them.
[791] This is a date.
[792] This is us making a connection on a date.
[793] It's all about $2 bills.
[794] I have some as well.
[795] Who's on it, do you think?
[796] Well, it's Jefferson.
[797] It is Jefferson.
[798] Among us, we have $24.
[799] Later at a wedding chapel in Vegas.
[800] I mean that is kind of like a first date First dates suck I really hate them It's just small talk for like an hour and a half Yeah I haven't been on a first date since I think it was 1971 So it's been a long time No I'm kidding I'm not that old I was like that's so long I'm not that old I was like how old are you I was No but it's been so long I mean, it was my, yeah, my wife is my last first date.
[801] It better be my last first date.
[802] How long have you been together?
[803] 22 years.
[804] Oh, that's so nice.
[805] Yeah, it is good.
[806] I should probably put in a better response than, yeah.
[807] He went, oh, 22, that's so nice.
[808] Yeah.
[809] Yeah, she, we've been to get the 22 years.
[810] Shee, it's been really great.
[811] Shee.
[812] I love it.
[813] That's very nice.
[814] That's what I want, 22 years.
[815] That seems nice.
[816] I'm not sure you do want that.
[817] What?
[818] I'm sorry.
[819] I'm just, I'm like a provocative therapist.
[820] What do you think I want?
[821] Well, in the past you said you want.
[822] To fuck.
[823] Yeah.
[824] But I told you I'm horny for love.
[825] Right.
[826] But do you want, are you looking for someone who you'll marry and grow old with?
[827] Well, I don't know if I want to get like married, but I do want like a partner.
[828] And I do not really want to grow old in general because like the older I get, the more things hurt.
[829] So I'd like to stop time here.
[830] But I would like to spend time with someone for a long time.
[831] That's nice.
[832] I believe, call me a romantic.
[833] If you put that out...
[834] Thank you.
[835] I believe that if you put that out there, that it happens.
[836] I really do.
[837] I think when you're ready for it and you put that out there, which you just did, that can happen for you.
[838] Well, from your lips to God's ears.
[839] Is that the saying?
[840] Yeah, but it's not God.
[841] Who's involved in this?
[842] Who is it?
[843] Well, I believe it's from your mouth to God's south.
[844] What?
[845] What does that mean?
[846] I don't know.
[847] It just came out.
[848] What happened to?
[849] What happened to?
[850] How about this, Corley?
[851] Are you okay?
[852] Write them down first.
[853] Write them down first and pass them over to David.
[854] And if he thinks they're good, he'll give you the thumbs up.
[855] Meaning dick.
[856] Oh, meaning dick.
[857] Oh, no. Give me that God dick.
[858] Oh, God.
[859] I don't think I want God's Dick.
[860] Let me explain something.
[861] He has a new baby and he's sleep deprived.
[862] What kind?
[863] We got a girl.
[864] Oh, that's nice.
[865] Yeah, she's a sweetheart.
[866] like her?
[867] I love her tears.
[868] Wait, she's brand new?
[869] She's nine months.
[870] Oh, okay, yeah.
[871] And she'll give her time.
[872] You'll get annoyed.
[873] Oh, really?
[874] Also, he's not getting any sleep.
[875] That was the whole point of this tour.
[876] Oh, I see.
[877] And so he just lately has been saying stuff.
[878] And all of us are scratching our heads.
[879] We don't know what's happening with him.
[880] I'm going to get this back and just say, never say that.
[881] Yeah, yeah, don't say that.
[882] Okay.
[883] Hey, I want to congratulate you.
[884] You got nominated.
[885] You're nominated for two Emmys.
[886] This year.
[887] Three.
[888] Oh, three.
[889] Can you even?
[890] Isn't that wild?
[891] I saw three on my sheet and I took one off.
[892] Oh.
[893] Just because I felt some, I'm like, no, no, no, that's too much.
[894] I'm going to take you down a notch.
[895] No, no, it says here, too.
[896] But that's great.
[897] Three Emmys.
[898] Emmys four.
[899] Nailed two for Nailed it.
[900] One is Outstanding Host.
[901] One is for the actual show.
[902] And then the other one's for my special.
[903] Outstanding writing.
[904] That's fantastic.
[905] Yeah, I'm really excited about that one because I like, I mean, I'm excited about the Nailed one too, but like, like, The stand -up one, and I put, like, my whole heart and soul into it, and I toured with it for a long time.
[906] And then I just spent so much time and then the look of it.
[907] It all came together, the opening.
[908] Yeah, I just, it's my, it's my masterpiece.
[909] How long a set is it on the special?
[910] Is it like an hour?
[911] It's an hour.
[912] That's fantastic.
[913] Good for you.
[914] Yeah.
[915] I'm curious.
[916] So, do you have plans for the Emmys?
[917] Like, what are you going to do?
[918] How are you going to approach this?
[919] Well, I'm going to go.
[920] Yeah.
[921] Some people don't Some people don't No, I'm going Good And I'm going to wear a fabulous dress And I'm going to look so fucking good I'm going to lose to RuPaul Twice Well you have this all mapped out Then on the way home I'll get a flat And then I'll cry a little bit Goes in the tire or losing to RuPaul again And I'll be like, it's the tire Because you knew you're going to lose to RuPaul And then I get home And I'll get ready, I'll go to the other Emmys Because I have to go to two I have to go to the creative arts And then the Emmy Emmys I don't know.
[922] I don't really have a plan.
[923] I'm rooting for you.
[924] I want you to win this.
[925] Yeah, me too.
[926] But you know what?
[927] It doesn't really matter if you win or not.
[928] You get to go and you have this amazing dress.
[929] You're going to have a great time.
[930] Yeah, I had fun losing last year.
[931] But I will say there wasn't enough food.
[932] They put just bottles and bottles of wine on the table and no food.
[933] Well, the situation, I think last year was because of COVID.
[934] Oh, yeah.
[935] They were trying to thread this weird needle.
[936] So they said, well, have people in a room.
[937] but it'll be a strange room.
[938] Strange, like half outside, half not outside room?
[939] Yeah, and there'll be a mister that's suiting disinfected over everyone, like it's a salad bar all the time.
[940] And we're going to reference COVID a lot, which will be kind of a downer.
[941] And we don't want to show, I don't know why they didn't want people to have food, but they didn't.
[942] But they put some wine there because I think they wanted to grab some of that golden globe vibe of people getting a little trashed and crazy.
[943] Yeah.
[944] So I don't know.
[945] This year is going to be very different, think, because we all know, COVID's completely done.
[946] COVID's done.
[947] We're having a great time.
[948] Now you've just got to worry about monkeypox.
[949] Monkey pox.
[950] Isn't that wild?
[951] You got to admit, it's such a good name.
[952] It is.
[953] Monkey pox.
[954] I mean, COVID -19, and then you're supposed to remember all the different variants.
[955] Whoever's doing the publicity for COVID sucks.
[956] Yeah, monkey pox.
[957] Very hot.
[958] That's fantastic.
[959] Very in.
[960] Yeah.
[961] Yeah.
[962] I think it might get vaccinated.
[963] It doesn't seem like a good time.
[964] Do you worry about these things in general, about health and disease?
[965] Are you someone who's phobic about that?
[966] I am not.
[967] I'm almost, I just don't think about it that much, but some people have really been affected by it.
[968] I don't think about it a lot.
[969] With COVID, I was like, well, I'll just be safe because if I shut down a production, that's like a lot of people in their money and whatever.
[970] But with monkey pox, it just seems real fucking bad.
[971] Like, you get like rashes and shit.
[972] I don't want that.
[973] That's a person that's like, I don't want it.
[974] I had COVID.
[975] It wasn't that bad, but it also wasn't fun.
[976] And I could have done without.
[977] Right.
[978] I have very few people who said I just had COVID and you know what?
[979] Fantastic.
[980] Amazing.
[981] Yum and yum.
[982] Give it to me again.
[983] Best sex in my life was with COVID.
[984] I came so hard after I got COVID -19.
[985] That is a weird side effect you never hear.
[986] Fauci didn't bring it up much.
[987] But when Fauci got COVID you have to, you know what?
[988] He was gone for a while and then he came back and he was very giddy.
[989] Very, very excited.
[990] Very happy.
[991] Fauci was like, damn, I came hard.
[992] And everyone was like, Dr. Fauci, please.
[993] Well, you don't have to run that by, David.
[994] That's fine.
[995] Oh, yeah, it is fine, right?
[996] Yeah, I'm getting a, I'm getting thumbs up from everyone in the booth.
[997] Yeah, trust me. I haven't figured this out yet.
[998] No, you have not.
[999] Okay.
[1000] But I'm glad.
[1001] I'm glad that, so you had your, when did you have COVID?
[1002] I went to upfronts in New York.
[1003] And whenever upfronts were, I think that was in May, I came back with COVID.
[1004] Yeah, it was a super spreader event.
[1005] Yep.
[1006] It was pretty wild.
[1007] I got mine at a sex party.
[1008] Oh, yeah?
[1009] Yeah, yeah.
[1010] Oh, no. Someone coughed right into your dickhole.
[1011] And the COVID just traveled.
[1012] I saw it happen.
[1013] I watched it happen.
[1014] And they went, damn it.
[1015] Yeah, someone was like, give me that, Nick.
[1016] And you're like, no. That's why I'm afraid.
[1017] I get it now.
[1018] Because the last time someone said, give me that dick, look what happened.
[1019] You got COVID.
[1020] Yeah.
[1021] Well, you're going to, I'm going to help you.
[1022] I'm going to get involved in your life.
[1023] Okay.
[1024] Because my job now is to find you a good partner.
[1025] That's what I'm going to do.
[1026] So you have to tell me what you're looking for.
[1027] Okay.
[1028] Employed.
[1029] Okay.
[1030] Handsome.
[1031] Tall.
[1032] I guess you don't have to be tall.
[1033] Why tall?
[1034] I just, I like the feeling of someone like, uh, enveloping me. Because people are listening right now.
[1035] And you know what?
[1036] We have, a lot of people listen to this podcast.
[1037] This is a good chance to get this message out.
[1038] Give me a height minimum for you.
[1039] Minimum, I think I'm really tall, so I'm going to say 6 -2.
[1040] Okay.
[1041] Maximum 6 -5.
[1042] Anything bigger.
[1043] That's scary.
[1044] Wait, how tall are you?
[1045] I'm 6 -4.
[1046] Okay, great.
[1047] You're not scary?
[1048] No. But if the hair is puffed up, 6 -5?
[1049] 6 -6.
[1050] 6 .6?
[1051] 6.
[1052] 6 .000.
[1053] So, yeah.
[1054] No, but I'm 6 -4, so I would still slide in under the ball.
[1055] bar.
[1056] Well, probably not for other reasons, but we'll get, we'll talk about those later.
[1057] Impenance.
[1058] Um, okay.
[1059] Uh, old war injury.
[1060] Um, so 6 -2, what else about this fellow?
[1061] Let's see.
[1062] Employed, nice, attractive.
[1063] Uh, I don't know.
[1064] I think that's it.
[1065] That's it.
[1066] We have to have things in common.
[1067] Ooh, a good sense of humor.
[1068] Right.
[1069] Likes to tee -he -he.
[1070] Because I didn't understand what you meant by good sense of humor So I'm glad you said likes to Tee.
[1071] You know, I'm just trying to clarify.
[1072] Big hands.
[1073] I like big hands because I have big hands.
[1074] That's a strange one, I have to say.
[1075] I like big hands.
[1076] Yeah, I like big hands.
[1077] Okay, okay.
[1078] What else?
[1079] Have you ever, sometimes I've been hanging around with someone and I'm, it's not something you think you notice right away, but then eventually you look down, you'll be talking to a guy, and then you'll see that his hands are just so tiny.
[1080] So tiny.
[1081] Yeah, and it's a little, I know.
[1082] you mean you think they're up to something it's a little jarring yeah you ever see a scary movie too a long time ago yeah oh he's like get my good hand it's just a tiny hand i don't want i don't tiny hands i like big meaty hands okay what if a guy tricked you and wore like uh fake gloves or got a bunch of bee stings oh okay we just had big's myths but they tricked you they tricked you because they heard this and they checked every box and they said i can't wait now to to date and become the long -term boyfriend from Nicole Beyer and then they reached over to shut off the app and had the podcast on it and looked down at their hand and it was this tiny little hand and they tricked you.
[1083] I guess if they went through the trouble of getting a realistic prosthetic hand to make it seem like a bigger hand I think I could forgive it I could be like wow you really did something nice.
[1084] Right and then in the end you realize I didn't care about that all along I cared about you.
[1085] You realize yeah exactly and then I'll be like I'm shallow and then I go through a journey and they've taught me so much and it's great so that's my love story okay well their hands have to be big enough to honk my titty how is this thinking that if they're too tiny you'll get more of a you'll get a honka honga honga honga honga is just doing it for you Nicole Big hong oh god I'm like no I just need big hongs oh my god get your prosthetic hand now.
[1086] Hold on a second.
[1087] Hold on a second.
[1088] Hold on a santa.
[1089] We'll get it.
[1090] And that's me coming.
[1091] Do you ever say that as your orgasm?
[1092] And that's me coming.
[1093] That'd be fantastic to announce it that way.
[1094] That's really funny.
[1095] That's fantastic.
[1096] That's fantastic.
[1097] You should look to a camera.
[1098] You should have a camera there.
[1099] So he could look to the camera.
[1100] And that's me coming.
[1101] And that's me coming.
[1102] And then little credits come up.
[1103] Produced by, directed by.
[1104] Gordon, are you putting me in a porn?
[1105] Well, yes.
[1106] I don't think I could do a porn.
[1107] You don't think so?
[1108] I don't think so.
[1109] Just because I'd be, like, worried about my performance and the angles.
[1110] Mm -hmm.
[1111] That's about it.
[1112] So the whole, all the other questions it might come up.
[1113] Wouldn't bother you at all.
[1114] what's this doing for my psyche, all that kind of stuff?
[1115] No, I think that's all fine.
[1116] Okay.
[1117] I'm just like, the angles.
[1118] Like, do we have them all?
[1119] Right.
[1120] And then also it's like, you've shot like scripted shit.
[1121] You get it from like different angles, like a wide, a mid, a close up.
[1122] Yeah, yeah.
[1123] Do they do that in porn?
[1124] Well, first of all, the times I've been involved in porn or even contemplated it, I've always insisted on director's cut.
[1125] I want to be able to sign off on the final product and say, I'm not happy with this shot.
[1126] I'm not happy with that shot.
[1127] Many of my comments about my work, my complaints have been about my actual body.
[1128] So we've done CGI and stuff like that.
[1129] I see.
[1130] We've enhanced everything.
[1131] And we've come up with a very different product in the end.
[1132] But if you ask for control, you'll be quite happy.
[1133] Okay.
[1134] I feel like you're doing a bit, but I think that's good advice to ask for control.
[1135] I loved it for a second.
[1136] You thought I was actually really contemplating doing a point.
[1137] I don't know.
[1138] Maybe.
[1139] I thought about it.
[1140] But I don't know if it's good money.
[1141] I'm just going to say, I don't know.
[1142] I don't think it would be good money.
[1143] You're looking at me?
[1144] We both looked at you.
[1145] And it is.
[1146] Trust me. It's great money.
[1147] But is it?
[1148] Oh, no, I can't be unless you're a name, I think.
[1149] You have to be a name.
[1150] How do you become a name in porn?
[1151] Well, you're already a name so you could just go into porn and then you've done it.
[1152] You know what I mean?
[1153] You go reverse engineer it.
[1154] I'm going to say, I don't know.
[1155] First of all, I don't think the money would be that great.
[1156] Me either.
[1157] I really don't think so.
[1158] Hmm.
[1159] What about softcore like Skinimax porn?
[1160] Does that still exist?
[1161] It should.
[1162] You know, I'm sure it does.
[1163] You should.
[1164] Where things get all...
[1165] You're looking at.
[1166] Where there's like everything get...
[1167] It's all foggy.
[1168] It's all fog.
[1169] Like stone through Vaseline or like panty hose on the lens.
[1170] And not because of a cinematic technique.
[1171] It just was random that there was panty nose around.
[1172] Just got thrown.
[1173] Just got thrown.
[1174] And they said, keep rolling.
[1175] Yep.
[1176] No, I think these are all bad ideas.
[1177] Okay.
[1178] I think these are all bad ideas.
[1179] I think the important thing that you should stick to is, I like this mission that you have to find a real person to be with who is going to be your partner, your confidant, your best bud.
[1180] That's what you want.
[1181] Yeah.
[1182] Yeah.
[1183] I think that's good.
[1184] Yeah, whenever a couple is like, that's my best friend.
[1185] I'm like, ooh, that seems nice.
[1186] A best friend that you get to fuck, that's like a double, double.
[1187] I've had a hard time finding that Hallmark card.
[1188] Where's the best friend I like to fuck parts?
[1189] Right here we go, here we go, right here we go, right here.
[1190] Well, that's the only thing is, I mean, over the years and when you've been talking to me, you've been quite vocal about physical attributes you're looking for a guy and sexual needs and things like that.
[1191] And so that might be intimidating.
[1192] There might be some guys out there.
[1193] I would like a big dick.
[1194] Well, I know, but if you...
[1195] I can't believe I forgot that.
[1196] Yeah, but you don't stop me be intimidated.
[1197] to some guys who feel they don't measure up in that department.
[1198] Okay.
[1199] And then they think, well, I can't.
[1200] And maybe there's a guy who is just sort of normal, average.
[1201] And he now thinks, and he'd be a fantastic partner for you.
[1202] Okay.
[1203] But he now feels that that's not possible.
[1204] I'll revise it.
[1205] I would like a dick that's nice.
[1206] What do you mean?
[1207] Nice, like kind?
[1208] Yeah.
[1209] Yes, a kind giving dick.
[1210] It does volunteer work.
[1211] It does volunteer work.
[1212] Yeah, it feeds hungry, chill.
[1213] It ties.
[1214] It gives up 10 % of its income to charities.
[1215] I like a tithing dick.
[1216] It just gives to a very good services.
[1217] Yeah, yeah, exactly.
[1218] No, just like nice to look at.
[1219] Handsome dick.
[1220] You want a handsome dick.
[1221] A handsome one, yeah.
[1222] Or someone who knows how to use it.
[1223] Or we can just go get another one.
[1224] If you could get a little dildo or something.
[1225] Oh, I thought you meant to have a transplant.
[1226] No. I don't think they do that.
[1227] They don't.
[1228] Because you can't get, like, who's donating?
[1229] They do not.
[1230] They do not.
[1231] Why are you saying it like that?
[1232] Trust me. Trust me. They do not.
[1233] And it's a crime.
[1234] Maybe one day in the future they will.
[1235] We have a richest country in the world with the most sophisticated.
[1236] And you'd think that people would put a little bit of effort.
[1237] They'll put one right next to it, but they won't swap it out.
[1238] Right next to it.
[1239] I have seven different sizes.
[1240] Like a pan flute?
[1241] Yes.
[1242] You can play all kinds of complicated songs on it.
[1243] Well, that's as good a place as any to stop this nonsense.
[1244] I'm very happy for you.
[1245] You're a lovely person, and it's going so well for you.
[1246] I'm really happy that you're nominated for all these Emmys.
[1247] You're crushing it.
[1248] You're out there killing it, and you're a very good person.
[1249] You really are.
[1250] Oh, thank you.
[1251] You are.
[1252] You know that.
[1253] Yeah, I try to be a good person.
[1254] I don't know.
[1255] Sometimes, no, I think.
[1256] think I'm a good person.
[1257] You are.
[1258] You are.
[1259] All joking aside, you're a good person.
[1260] Thank you.
[1261] Yeah.
[1262] And I know.
[1263] I really had to think about it.
[1264] I was like, am I?
[1265] Who does I mean to today?
[1266] Nobody.
[1267] No, you are.
[1268] You're just incessantly kind to people when you have such a good spirit.
[1269] Oh, thank you.
[1270] No, I'm just a big...
[1271] I feel the same way about you.
[1272] Well, thank you.
[1273] You are kind.
[1274] You gave me my first late night appearance.
[1275] And late night is funny because they're like, well, you have to have a tape to get the, you know, to book the spot.
[1276] And I'm like, well, how do you get the tape if no one will let you on?
[1277] And then you let me on, which was really kind of.
[1278] you well it was smart because you really make me laugh and uh and also i really loved our different appearances together because you were so good at being funny and nice and generous and then uh but also really making me squirm in a way that people absolutely love you know and it was just real that's what i loved about it is that it was so real yeah it's just it's fun it's fun to play off of you it's you're a very giving comedian I don't know it's just fun and naturally there's some uptight stuff Catholic stuff there that put us together and people would be like oh my God this is fantastic I love this so we have to we have to take this act on the road someday let's do it yes I would do it yeah we got to figure something out we got to do something together where we bottle that for just just a little bit of time and sell it to people and make lots of money no we'll give it away money money And then we'll invest it and make more money.
[1279] You've changed.
[1280] Please come back soon because I love talking to you or I'll come visit you.
[1281] But this was great.
[1282] Thank you so much.
[1283] You're going to go to my house?
[1284] Well, no, I wouldn't just show up at your post.
[1285] But I mean, I'll show up on your podcast.
[1286] There's one of your projects.
[1287] Yes, please.
[1288] That'd be nice.
[1289] Wait, do you have a best friend?
[1290] A best friend?
[1291] Yes, so Shear and I have a podcast called Best Friends.
[1292] I sure do.
[1293] And we interview best friends sometimes.
[1294] Oh, that's nice.
[1295] Who's your best friend?
[1296] Well, here's the problem.
[1297] If I say my best friend, it's going to...
[1298] People might get angry.
[1299] Get goarly upset.
[1300] What?
[1301] Because guess what?
[1302] Big shocker, it's not goarly.
[1303] Oh, no. It was until like a day ago when you started having a meltdown on the podcast.
[1304] Oh, yeah.
[1305] Oh, yeah.
[1306] I'm going to throw out my God oral sex idea.
[1307] Just see how it goes.
[1308] I stand by it.
[1309] Yeah, you should.
[1310] Nicole, thank you so, so much for coming here.
[1311] Thank you for having me. I know you're really busy, and it was nice of you, and it made everyone stay here, so thank you.
[1312] Oh, well, thank you for having me. This was fun.
[1313] Oh, good.
[1314] I'll truly come back any old time.
[1315] And I'm going to find you this fella.
[1316] You only wrote down 6 -2.
[1317] I have the full list here.
[1318] He has the full list.
[1319] I only retrieved the pen late, and then I didn't want to write Big Dick.
[1320] No. And 6 -2 -6 -5 employed, nice, handsome sense of humor, titty -hunk -in -hans.
[1321] and big dick or a kind dick Yeah, kind, yeah, got it Kind's nice The proper amount of veins Yeah What?
[1322] And where would you put that Could you, what did you do that for?
[1323] What did you do that for?
[1324] Why'd you do that?
[1325] We were ending so nicely It was all coming together so nicely How many veins?
[1326] Where are the veins?
[1327] Yeah, how many, what's the range What's too many veins?
[1328] Too many's where you're like Ah, this one looks angry.
[1329] You know, where it looks like the Holt's arm That's too many.
[1330] Well, maybe it's having a stroke or something.
[1331] Not Hulk.
[1332] No Hulk's arm and what's too few veins?
[1333] When we are like, is it alive?
[1334] They do make little shocking paddles for penises.
[1335] They do.
[1336] Clear, clear.
[1337] Catoch, Coutuch.
[1338] Try it again.
[1339] Coutuch.
[1340] Cetucia.
[1341] Cetucia, Cetucia.
[1342] I'm okay now, fellas.
[1343] I'm ready to go.
[1344] No, no, take it easy.
[1345] Relax.
[1346] Breathe.
[1347] We'll get jumping around.
[1348] I don't know what happened.
[1349] I blacked out.
[1350] Things started to heat up and then, oh.
[1351] All the penises that I give life to always work at the library.
[1352] Oh, sorry, I fainted there.
[1353] I just got a little nervous.
[1354] You okay now?
[1355] I'm fine.
[1356] We all had to shock you back.
[1357] I've got to get back to the ram.
[1358] book library that I work in.
[1359] Thank you so much.
[1360] Thank you.
[1361] We have to address the elephant in the room, which is that Sona Mossessian is not present.
[1362] We have to address the sona not in the room.
[1363] Yes.
[1364] Yeah, okay, instead of the elephant in the room.
[1365] Right.
[1366] Well, I think the elephant in the room is that Sona is not in the room.
[1367] Right.
[1368] She's not an elephant.
[1369] Okay.
[1370] This is the worst who's on first routine I've ever heard of my life.
[1371] Third base.
[1372] and here they are, Gorley and O 'Brien with The Elephants Not a Sona and the shortest vaudeville career in history It ran from 1901 to 1901 Well no, I want to address the fact that Sona can't be here today because and she's such a regular part of the podcast And this I find absurd She's on a book tour She wrote a book about her misadventures And she's on a book tour And if you had told me when I met Sona all those years ago and she became my kooky assistant that I would lose her for a period of time because she's out promoting the book she wrote I'd have laughed you off the face of the earth.
[1373] God bless her.
[1374] I mean, this is proof, as the great Don King would say, only in America.
[1375] Only in America.
[1376] Should we address the David in the room?
[1377] Well, that's what I'm getting to because Sona's so busy now with she has these twins, Mikey and Charlie.
[1378] I prefer Mikey I have I have major beef with Charlie and now she has a book and I think she's starting a chain of restaurants I just call it persona stop no stop off at goofballs order your food and watch it and not show up I'm sorry who works restaurant but because she can't be here and she's so busy I have an assistant who took over for Sona you know It's, I'm hoping a temporary arrangement.
[1379] Oh.
[1380] Sorry, but we love them.
[1381] Well, we'll get to that, David.
[1382] I'm not firing you here.
[1383] I'm just letting you know that it's human.
[1384] You're trying to fire me so many times.
[1385] I know.
[1386] So David Hopping took over.
[1387] David Hopping was Sona's assistant because she didn't want to do anything.
[1388] And now David's pretty much my full -time assistant until Sona's done promoting her other schemes.
[1389] So David, Hopping, welcome.
[1390] Where are you from, David?
[1391] Carlinville, Illinois.
[1392] Yeah, Carlinville, Illinois.
[1393] And where is that?
[1394] That's in the southern part of Illinois?
[1395] It's like central.
[1396] It's like a little bit south of Springfield.
[1397] Okay.
[1398] Very good.
[1399] How long a drive is it to get to the St. Louis Arch?
[1400] Like a little over an hour.
[1401] Yeah.
[1402] These are good stories.
[1403] Yeah, this is going really well.
[1404] I'm so happy to be here.
[1405] So what's the rainfall there a year, would you guess?
[1406] It rains.
[1407] It rains occasionally?
[1408] It rains, yeah.
[1409] There's weather.
[1410] There's snow.
[1411] That's your agricultural report.
[1412] It rains.
[1413] And it accumulates.
[1414] And there is.
[1415] wet ground after it rains.
[1416] Okay.
[1417] David, you have just humiliated yourself.
[1418] Or to humiliate you because you put me here.
[1419] Oh, oh, Jesus.
[1420] You put him here and you asked him those questions.
[1421] You're right.
[1422] You could say that I'm complicit in these crimes, but I disagree.
[1423] And this is my reality, so I'm innocent of all charges.
[1424] And I'm set free and awarded a $600 ,000 prize.
[1425] From who?
[1426] David, you're feeling, isn't it crazy?
[1427] See, Sona has a book.
[1428] She has a book.
[1429] It's really good.
[1430] It is very, I've read it too.
[1431] It's basically a how -to for me taking over.
[1432] Did you ever think?
[1433] And ultimately, the way this should end is you write a book and go on a tour.
[1434] And then do I get my own assistant?
[1435] Yes.
[1436] This is what I'm trying to tell you is this is those Russian dolls, a doll within a doll, within a doll, you now read Sona's book, learn how to totally screw me over and not do your job.
[1437] Then you write a book about that.
[1438] Then you take off.
[1439] Then we hire someone who will fill in for.
[1440] for you.
[1441] Mm -hmm.
[1442] Do you know?
[1443] Who will?
[1444] Yeah.
[1445] Do you have anyone in mind who you think would be good?
[1446] Should we have Maddie to it?
[1447] Maddie Ogden?
[1448] Oh, I thought you met me. Oh, Matt, Matt, Maddie?
[1449] No. No. Maddie who works here.
[1450] I think Betty, who's out, yeah.
[1451] She's a very fashionable young woman.
[1452] She's always wearing different cool outfits.
[1453] Mm -hmm.
[1454] And she's crucial to the running of the podcast.
[1455] She is.
[1456] Yeah.
[1457] So, okay, she'll take over then.
[1458] Wow, you've got this all worked out.
[1459] Yeah, it's a big plan I've had for a while.
[1460] I would like to point out quickly that you have your own podcast.
[1461] I do.
[1462] And what's it called again?
[1463] It's called Back to the Best.
[1464] Okay.
[1465] Back to the best.
[1466] And it's about...
[1467] It's about like 90s, early 2000s nostalgia.
[1468] Okay.
[1469] Our Instagram is at BTDB Podcast if you want to follow us.
[1470] What do you?
[1471] It's knock it off.
[1472] You're asked him.
[1473] This is the one...
[1474] No, I didn't ask him for...
[1475] Our website is BTDB Podcast .com.
[1476] Everyone's got their own scheme.
[1477] Yeah.
[1478] Also, he sells watches out of the trunk of his car.
[1479] Yeah.
[1480] I'll give you a discount.
[1481] Yeah.
[1482] They're all a really good, high -quality, digital watches from the late 80s.
[1483] Wow.
[1484] I just like to plug my Tupperware business.
[1485] I'd do the Tupperware parties.
[1486] Uh -huh.
[1487] Uh -huh.
[1488] I would like to plug something I'm doing at some point.
[1489] Wait, I'm not doing anything.
[1490] I love this.
[1491] Just remember.
[1492] Kind of thing.
[1493] No, so I'm happy for Sona that she's hit the big time.
[1494] And she had an event last night, I think, in Seattle at a bookstore.
[1495] And apparently tons of people showed up.
[1496] Oh, heck.
[1497] That's so full, yeah.
[1498] That's so great.
[1499] It was packed, yeah.
[1500] I was probably always the hope.
[1501] Maybe Conan will be there if people show up.
[1502] I don't know.
[1503] And I think that's probably a lot of the appeal of the book.
[1504] Who can say?
[1505] But I'm excited for it.
[1506] I really am seeing the print copy because your name is just redacted.
[1507] There's a lot more in the entire book.
[1508] What I love about her book is that there's so much about it that's real.
[1509] It is real.
[1510] She's telling real stories.
[1511] They're all honest to God true.
[1512] And wow, what an unprofessional relationship we've had for a year.
[1513] I know the dynamic between you when I was reading this book sometimes my jaw was dropping.
[1514] Yeah, yeah.
[1515] What?
[1516] Who's more wrong here?
[1517] These are two idiots.
[1518] Two idiots who've been, it is proof there is a god.
[1519] Yeah.
[1520] Because whoever put us together has a sense of humor.
[1521] It is, I love Lucy.
[1522] But Ricky and Lucy are both insane.
[1523] So, yeah, anyway, I'm very happy for her.
[1524] And David, if this means you're here, then it must be a good, sign that all's going our way because you're a lovely fellow.
[1525] Oh, thank you.
[1526] It's true.
[1527] And I know that you enjoy working with me. I do.
[1528] You don't have to say that.
[1529] No, you're not under oath.
[1530] He pays me. I have to.
[1531] If I don't, I get fired instantly.
[1532] Now, is it interesting, I share you with our producer, long -time producer now of almost 30 years, Jeff Ross.
[1533] Yes.
[1534] So you're technically Jeff's assistant and my assistant.
[1535] Yeah.
[1536] But I get the feeling that if push came to shove, you'd be more loyal to me. I don't know if I feel comfortable answering that You don't have to.
[1537] You shouldn't.
[1538] Jeff is right out there watching this.
[1539] No, Jeff is out there watching this.
[1540] As your legal counsel, I advise you not to answer that.
[1541] Thank you.
[1542] I want to do one of those things where I put my hand over the mic and whisper at here.
[1543] You just push the mic away.
[1544] No, Jeff's car needs to go into the shop.
[1545] I ask you to take my car into the shop and you say, well, no, I have to take Jeff's car into the shop.
[1546] And I tell you no, cancel that, take mine.
[1547] What do you do?
[1548] I feel like Jeff would probably just tell you.
[1549] me to take yours.
[1550] But also, Jeff trusts me more with his car than you do.
[1551] Well, first of all, I drive a Rolls -Royce.
[1552] Okay.
[1553] Made of Marzapan.
[1554] Yep.
[1555] I am a very...
[1556] I wanted to...
[1557] I wanted to show people my status and I thought I'll get a Rolls -Royce, but then I thought, no, it should be even more effete than that.
[1558] So I had it made by a great baker -slash -engineer out of Marzapan, and I drive it around.
[1559] And it's got a horn that goes, Oh, God.
[1560] It just keeps going.
[1561] Can you push his mic away?
[1562] Yeah.
[1563] And then there's a car, it has a car alarm that goes, I'm being stolen, I'm being stolen, I made the mosa pan.
[1564] I'm being stolen, I made the mosa pan.
[1565] Yeah.
[1566] Remember when I had you, I parked it in the sun and it started to melt and I had you move it?
[1567] Yeah.
[1568] That was a good time.
[1569] Good improv.
[1570] I said, yeah.
[1571] Remember that?
[1572] Oh, I forgot to say and.
[1573] Yeah.
[1574] No, no, I know.
[1575] Yeah.
[1576] And then I moved it.
[1577] Yeah.
[1578] And then I moved it.
[1579] Listen, I think you're, I do think you're a terrific person.
[1580] And I'll say this about David.
[1581] I call him first ring hopping.
[1582] Whenever I call him on his cell, he picks up usually on the first ring.
[1583] Wow.
[1584] Sona, 15 rings, goes to someone else's voicemail.
[1585] Then I'd have to like, I mean, trying, I would send her telegrams.
[1586] I would drive to her house.
[1587] The contrast between David and Sona when I'm trying to contact them absolutely amazing.
[1588] I have to say I love Sona, but I would choose you as a sister.
[1589] Wow.
[1590] I think Mikey and Charlie would choose you as the parent right there, as the primary caregiver.
[1591] Oh, please.
[1592] She's already lost two of them.
[1593] Oh, that's only two.
[1594] She lost both of her kids?
[1595] She lost them.
[1596] Because she's on the book tour?
[1597] Oh, God.
[1598] No, no, she took them on the book tour.
[1599] She did.
[1600] She did.
[1601] Yeah.
[1602] I heard them in the background.
[1603] Well, I heard, you know, Mikey.
[1604] Oh.
[1605] What's your beef with Charlie?
[1606] Charlie didn't laugh when I tried to entertain them both.
[1607] Mikey gave it up.
[1608] Charlie was just sat there and stared at me and sort of looked like, eh, I don't get it.
[1609] He'll come around.
[1610] And I went through that in the 90s.
[1611] I don't need that again.
[1612] It's a lot of people's first reaction.
[1613] I'm sorry, I cut you off.
[1614] You were saying something?
[1615] I don't remember.
[1616] Perfect.
[1617] Well, David, that is so David hopping.
[1618] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.
[1619] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessey, and Matt Gourley.
[1620] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1621] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1622] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1623] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1624] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1625] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1626] Engineering by Will Bechtin, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1627] You can rate and review, this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1628] Got a question for Conan?
[1629] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1630] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1631] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1632] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.