Kathryn Hahn

[0] Hi, my name is Catherine Hahn.

[1] And I feel, um, I feel like I'd be lying about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Because I don't really know him.

[3] And I'm excited to get to know him today.

[4] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can do it.

[5] that we are going to be friends Until that we are going to be friends Hey Conan O 'Brien here Welcome to another episode If Conan O 'Brien needs a friend My never -ending quest To force very talented people In the business And in the world of politics And just in the world of life To be my friends often against their will And I'm joined as always by Matt Goreley Hey guys You do a great job, Matt, really do I don't know what you do but you do it very well.

[6] Oh, well, how do you know I do a good job then?

[7] I don't know.

[8] I wouldn't probe this too deeply.

[9] I just said it quickly to give the very fin patina of kindness that I know is required of people like me in moments like this.

[10] And you don't want to test this at all.

[11] You're a mensch.

[12] Yeah, thank you.

[13] It's a bare minimum.

[14] Speaking of the bare minimum, Sona, thank you very much for doing the job that you do.

[15] Not to its fullest, but the job that you do.

[16] Pleasure to be here, as always.

[17] Just such a joy to be with you in the same room.

[18] I do have something to talk to you about Sona, and this is an actual concern of mine.

[19] Okay.

[20] And I think our audience is aware that Sona is very pregnant now with twin boys.

[21] Yes.

[22] And you are going to be bringing them into the world any week now.

[23] Any week, anytime, yeah.

[24] And I'm going to be very honest about this.

[25] This is not a bit.

[26] This is actually something I felt a little bit.

[27] I am a middle child in a family of six, and in my family I could often feel a little bit lost in the shuffle, which can happen.

[28] And now for 11 years, you've worked for me. Twelve.

[29] I said worked.

[30] So you've been with me for 12 years.

[31] Yes.

[32] I was your priority.

[33] You didn't always act like it, but I was your...

[34] No, but I was your priority.

[35] And now that priority, I think, is going to shift.

[36] You think.

[37] I think it's going to shift when these twin boys show up.

[38] You think it's going to shift.

[39] I have...

[40] Yes.

[41] I believe that that's a possibility.

[42] You think there's still a chance you are going to be my biggest priority in life.

[43] Yeah, your best case, scenario is that there's one twin then you than another twin in priority order.

[44] I don't know.

[45] And that's not going to happen.

[46] I just don't know.

[47] I feel some of the same feelings that I felt back in, you know, the early 70s when my youngest brother, Justin, was born.

[48] He was the sixth.

[49] And I remember feeling another one.

[50] I'm shoved more into obscurity.

[51] And of course, they made a big deal about Justin.

[52] And my father was like, oh, Justin's going to be the smart.

[53] one and Justin will be the good one.

[54] And I remember feeling it was a tough time.

[55] Watergate was happening.

[56] The country was still recovering from the Vietnam War.

[57] And then I, of course, plunged more into obscurity with each additional child.

[58] Now you're putting me through the same trauma by having twins.

[59] And I'm wondering how I'm going to figure into your life once the twins show up.

[60] Well, first of all, you're a man in your 50s now.

[61] late 40s let's say no it's definitely not late 50s mid 40s early no I'm a man in my early 40s the fact that you still have these feelings is troubling but also you know you're right for a long time I was single I was having a good time like I could focus on you were having a really good time okay relax and then and then tack came in the picture and I'm sorry but tack my husband is also a bigger priority to me than you are.

[62] Is he really?

[63] Yes.

[64] He's my spouse.

[65] He's my life partner.

[66] But I pay you.

[67] No, that's not how life works.

[68] It's like Liza is a bigger priority to you, you know, and that's how family works.

[69] I don't know why I'm excited.

[70] Can you tell me what you think in terms of rank priority, like what's the priority list in my life?

[71] What do you think it is?

[72] Show business first.

[73] Oh, boy.

[74] I'm just telling you what my, that's how I, wake me up in the middle of the night and go, there's trouble and I'll say, what, the show, podcast, what's the problem?

[75] Okay.

[76] That's what I do.

[77] Just wake me up in the middle of the night.

[78] Oh, no, something terrible happened.

[79] What?

[80] My career, what?

[81] Then I'll start asking questions about children and wives and parents and stuff like that.

[82] What do you think the list is in my life?

[83] Like, how do you think you rank?

[84] I understand having to have close to similar billing with taxes.

[85] But I would think the order should be me, tack, very close second, podcast, children.

[86] Oh, my God.

[87] So the way I see it now is it's Oki first, my dog.

[88] What?

[89] Yes.

[90] Oh, my God.

[91] This is hilarious.

[92] So you're both crazy?

[93] You know what I love?

[94] She's all about her dog.

[95] She carries her dog around.

[96] She's one of those people that's like, oh, OKie just had an idea.

[97] I could tell.

[98] Oh, did you hear what Oki did last night?

[99] What do?

[100] He was thirsty, so I put out water and he drank it.

[101] Isn't that a good story?

[102] No. That's the kind of shit that Sona's always saying and I keep telling her when these twins show up, you're going to forget your dog.

[103] You just are because that's what happens and you refuse to believe me. I think you guys are both too close to it.

[104] You're too in the thick of it.

[105] I think the natural priority order is your two twin sons.

[106] Yeah.

[107] Your husband, your dog.

[108] Me, Coney.

[109] So who's our guest today?

[110] I feel like it's 1973 all over again.

[111] Okay.

[112] You were 10.

[113] Now you're in your late 50s.

[114] No. I was 10 then, but still somehow I'm only in my late 30s.

[115] Listen, I'm working on my publicist on a new date of birth.

[116] We'll get to that very soon.

[117] All right, let's move on to better things.

[118] My guest today is a very talented actress, you know, from such movies is How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Bad Moms and Spider -Man into the Spider -Verse.

[119] man is she having an incredible renaissance you can now see her as agatha harkness in the hit disney plus series one division she absolutely kills it everyone's talking about her i'm thrilled she's with us today katherine han welcome i am a huge fan of yours and then like everyone in the universe uh after your amazing turn uh on one division it's so nice that everybody the entire world has caught up which is uh is deserved because uh you uh You deserved this for a long time, and it's so nice that you hit it out of the park like that.

[120] Well, listen, let me reframe then the answer to my question at the beginning, which is that I would, I mean, because I would always feel very hopeful about becoming your friend, especially after that introduction.

[121] No, I feel, you know, I've been at this at this for a hot minute acting.

[122] And, you know, I've been like squirming around in different, like, nooks and crannies for a while now.

[123] So this has been, this is so crazy.

[124] Yeah, it's just been bonkers.

[125] And that for it to be like a Marvel situation is like, what?

[126] It's just all so kind of hyper surreal.

[127] I'm going to guess that people listening don't know this about show business.

[128] These people come along like yourself.

[129] They become so popular and they become, you know, you're so self -assured and you knew exactly what to do with your part on Oneavision.

[130] And everyone, once they see that, would have a hard to.

[131] time believing that she used to audition for stuff all the time and not get it.

[132] I mean, I still feel so close to that.

[133] I used to, when I was in school, take the metro, like I would get an audition at 30 Rock.

[134] I would take the metro down to 30 Rock, go to Banana Republic, buy a suit, change in the bathroom at 30 Rock, go up, audition at NBC, go down, return the suit, get back in the train, and go back up to school.

[135] many, many, many times.

[136] Didn't they catch on to you at some point?

[137] But if you remember...

[138] You're buying suits?

[139] Uh -huh.

[140] You're buying suits for like an hour?

[141] And then you return them and they're just soaking wet with sweat.

[142] Wasn't anyone asking any questions, Catherine?

[143] So much sweat.

[144] But it was a two -floor Banana Republic.

[145] So that kind of worked in my favor.

[146] As that I can kind of work the different cashiers.

[147] But yeah, oh, there was so many times.

[148] I was just talking about the backstage, the paper, and there would be the auditions.

[149] Like in the back, we would always joke about the no -pay nudity shows.

[150] Like, oh, please, sign me up.

[151] Like, I can't wait to wait in line for a no -pay nudity job in your stood film.

[152] Wait, what's a no -pay nudity job?

[153] They would have that.

[154] My husband would make - Listen, I don't know.

[155] I never showed up to one of them.

[156] Oh, Catherine, you know exactly.

[157] Oh, I don't know.

[158] Now you're this version of Catherine Hahn who doesn't even know what it is.

[159] I really want you to explain to me because I honestly don't know.

[160] There's a job where you're nude and you don't get paid?

[161] I think they want to be very clear up front that if you want this credit, there's going to be no pay and also you're going to be nude.

[162] If you still want to show up.

[163] Yeah, I think so.

[164] I think I did this.

[165] I swear to God, I think 86 to 88.

[166] I was a no paid nude.

[167] Yes.

[168] You know, in my situation, when Word got around and they saw the footage, I was paid not to be nude.

[169] I supported myself for a year and a half not taking my clothes off in New York City.

[170] It's a great paying gig.

[171] I made hundreds of thousands of dollars.

[172] Please keep your clothes on.

[173] Your skin looks like spam.

[174] Spam!

[175] Oh, it really does.

[176] Open a can of spam, and I encourage anyone to do that and look at it, and that is what my chest looks like when the shirt comes off.

[177] No, I think that the color of my legs right now looks like a fetal chick egg eye, like the palest blue pink.

[178] Like it's the palest, it's almost pale.

[179] blue, the color of my legs.

[180] You know what this is?

[181] This is the exact opposite of dirty talk on the phone.

[182] I've got chest like spam.

[183] I have a fetal, pale eye from a chicken that died before it could be patched.

[184] And I'm like, oh, yeah.

[185] Let's meet up.

[186] What's so funny is that you and I both have the handbone deeply embedded in our souls.

[187] I'm constantly mugging and doing.

[188] faces and on it's exhausting and i have that like i i know i definitely feel like i need to come home and just shut the machine down completely and my son is on to me now who's 14 and a half and he just like looks at me with such like kind of like a wistful kind of like a sadness for me like i feel so sad that you have to work so hard all the time like you don't have to work that hard, mom.

[189] Like, it's okay.

[190] Like, we've got your, you're, it's, we're okay.

[191] Like, we've got you.

[192] So I totally, I totally hear you in that department.

[193] I've been doing better the older I get.

[194] I certainly in my 20s and 30s, it was like, I would do, I was doing serious, I mean, in quotes, like, serious theater.

[195] Like, I thought, that's what I wanted to do.

[196] And I was that way in my family growing up.

[197] Like, we, it was like a hard dinner tape.

[198] We always used humor as like our, like, hard humor.

[199] Like, that's what, you know, we always did.

[200] I tried when I was in grade school to be in serious productions of things and have serious parts.

[201] And then I realized I actually did this and a shout out to my old music and drama teacher, Mrs. Steele.

[202] But she, I was in a production of some show.

[203] And it was a serious show.

[204] And I didn't have a huge part, but I started to, I remember it, I think it was Oklahoma.

[205] And not that that's the most serious show, but I didn't have the most comedic part.

[206] And I was supposed to hold a rifle.

[207] And I learned all these tricks with it.

[208] And I was doing tricks with the rifle and pulling focus, and people were laughing.

[209] And then I had a line, and I remember I started ad -libbing off my line.

[210] And, like, I broke the fourth wall at one point because it went such to my head, and I was like, well, that's a pretty good question.

[211] And then I turned to the audience and said, what do you fellas think?

[212] And the audience laughed, and Mrs. Steele said, can I speak to you for a second?

[213] This was after the show.

[214] Because I speak to you, don't you ever?

[215] And I'm like, huh?

[216] But I got big laughs.

[217] You know, I'm still in character.

[218] But what I'm saying is I understand that.

[219] And my, I think also my learning ground, too.

[220] And I remember very much thinking, oh, it's all about the dinner table.

[221] And I think Bill Murray said everything he needed to learn about comedy he learned at his dinner table because there was like 30 Murray's sitting around a table.

[222] And I absolutely believe that.

[223] It was all about the table.

[224] Who can score?

[225] Who can get dad to really laugh?

[226] Who can kind of run the table?

[227] That was what it was all about.

[228] Absolutely.

[229] It was my mom just like cutting down, just like just like just, like just, cut like at the knees like she just could just bite i mean she just knew exactly how to just like my dad would say one thing and then she would just like slice him at half like and we would all be laughing but it was like she was it was a tough tough table so when did your father walk out on the marriage i'm curious i think if you told all these stories like it was so fantastic my mom would just my mom would cut him off at the knees she never let him finish his sentence what happened to your dad oh we don't know he walked away Oh, my God.

[230] No, it sounds horrible.

[231] It was actually the opposite.

[232] They were married for a long time, but then waited until after we all left the home.

[233] But now they live like five blocks away from each other, and they're still very, very codependent.

[234] Yes, I mean, of course.

[235] But, I mean, I remember when you were telling that story about high school, I remember Sister Deborah was my high school directoress, and we did a production in an all -girl school of a play called Stage Door, which was about a group of actresses that lived in an apartment in New York City in the 20s.

[236] And I had to play the part of one of the actresses that had to go off, that had like a mental breakdown and she went off into another room and you hear a gunshot.

[237] And it's clear that she's committed suicide.

[238] It's very dramatic in front of like all the parents of the sophomores that are putting on this show.

[239] And the only place for me to go off stage was into the wrestler's room.

[240] Like there was no off stage.

[241] So I had to just, like, go off into the wrestler's room.

[242] And there was, like, two pieces of wood together.

[243] Like, I was my own folie artist.

[244] And we had to kind of, like, make a gunshot.

[245] And my mom and dad just, I remember them saying, like, the lead actress who was on stage just kept scanning the audience, like, squintinging into the audience for her parents the whole time.

[246] So that everything that was supposed to be any sort of dramatic impact that happened was totally gone by me just squint, by her squinting into the audience looking for.

[247] for her parents at the same time.

[248] But you know what I would have done in that play?

[249] If I was supposed to, I swear to God, if I was in fourth or fifth grade and my job was to go off in a very serious, like, check off play, go off stage, and then you hear a gunshot and I was supposed to have killed myself afterwards.

[250] It would have been like, ouch.

[251] Like from off camera, you know.

[252] My foot.

[253] And the teacher, the people would have maybe laughed or my friends would have laughed, and the teacher, Mrs. Steele again, would say, can I, come here, come here.

[254] I never want to see you again, you know?

[255] I didn't have that in me. I just could not do not do it.

[256] Yeah, it was very difficult.

[257] I was also polonious in Hamlet.

[258] And I had to be, I had to be, my big line was, oh, I am slain.

[259] And so I had to be behind a curtain and get that.

[260] That was very difficult, very difficult not to wink, wink, wink, nudge, I'm with you.

[261] It's hard.

[262] Oh, I'm slain.

[263] Oh, I am slain.

[264] That's what I would have done.

[265] It hurts a lot to get slain.

[266] Mrs. Steele wants to see you?

[267] What?

[268] I killed.

[269] I killed.

[270] Poor Mrs. Steele.

[271] She kept trying with me and I couldn't do it.

[272] She really, really wanted it to be about the work.

[273] But you know what was so funny is that, you know, with Agatha, there was this meme that went viral, which I know you're aware of, but of you giving that sort of exaggerated sitcom wink.

[274] And you say that all these people who've known you your whole life are like, there you go you know what I mean like you found you're capable of all this other stuff but they just there was some part of you I guess from your youth or if anyone who knows you would be like they're so happy for you that you got to do the big wink you know I mean in my IMDB page that had been like listed as one of of like my special skills had been over the top facial expressions that's on my chart under medical medical conditions over the top facial, yeah.

[275] For like so long.

[276] So we were laughing about the long game that somebody had been playing.

[277] Like, it was so weird and so amazing, the size of the mouth in that meme that went around.

[278] I was like, geez, Louise, look at that face.

[279] I mean, I mean, I have no social media.

[280] So I was being scented by so many different, like, factions of my life.

[281] It was very funny.

[282] Just, but of course, so surreal.

[283] And for it to happen in this chapter, it's just been like, what is reality?

[284] It's so weird.

[285] It's all so weird.

[286] That's nice.

[287] I mean, I've always had this theory about show business, which is you have to keep going into the casino and pulling the lever.

[288] And I try to tell that to young people, which is that they should gamble.

[289] No. No, you've got to get to Vegas and you've got to get a lot of coins.

[290] What I'm trying to tell them is you have to keep going back in and putting yourself out there, which you did.

[291] I mean, you had a very good and healthy career before this.

[292] this latest triumph, and so you're known and you're respected, but you kept going back into it in different ways.

[293] And I believe that that is the part that is actually as important as the talent somehow.

[294] Oh, my gosh.

[295] I didn't really have any grand expectations.

[296] Like, I didn't know what it was going to look like, but there just wasn't an option for me. Like, I just was an actor.

[297] So I didn't know if it was going to be on, I couldn't really see myself on a big screen.

[298] Like, that seemed really out of a different, again, like, I didn't see myself as having the, that felt too far away from me in Cleveland.

[299] Like, I just didn't.

[300] But it was, there was no doubt, like, that it was going to be, that that was my life.

[301] And, you know, I put myself, whatever, through school.

[302] There was a lot of just, like, what I was talking about, just like, a lot of time as a receptionist in a hair salon, like, a lot of time.

[303] Now, what's about that?

[304] because you were very good at that.

[305] Clearly.

[306] Maybe you should have stopped.

[307] Your hair looks amazing, by the way.

[308] Your hair looks fantastic.

[309] This is a horse tail.

[310] You can put a heavy wax on it and it'll settle right down.

[311] If anybody has a good mask recommendation, I could really use it.

[312] But, yeah, I was like my cousin got me a job at a hair salon in New York.

[313] And then I got, I went to grad school and I got my first gig out here on a medical procedural show called Crossing Jordan, or Crossing Jordash, as we affectionately called it.

[314] And I played a medical, a grief counselor in a morgue, which consisted of me having to sit across from one amazing guest star after the other who had to just drop into the most intense crying scene, like you could possibly, for like a half a day.

[315] Like it was like just amazing watching these people have to like pull it together and pull it out.

[316] So that was like a real, just a real school for sure.

[317] But I never felt like I just couldn't know, I just couldn't find my like creative self.

[318] It just didn't marry.

[319] I didn't, I was trying to, I was like acting at being an actor almost.

[320] Like I, I just didn't feel my authentic performer self that I felt when I was on stage really until my mid -30s.

[321] We have such a youth culture that so many people think, if you haven't blown up by like the time you're 22 or 23, you're screwed.

[322] And yeah, that's true if you want to be a major league athlete, or maybe if you want to be a supermodel, that's a ballerina.

[323] No, I love an old, old ballerina.

[324] That just starts at 45.

[325] I like one that starts at 45 and then they really come into their own in their 60s and the bones are giving out, but they just hit their stride.

[326] But I think what's so nice about you getting this, the role of Agatha, is that there's something eventually it brought together all of these things that you can do that you have access to that took you years to find and just genius casting that they thought of you.

[327] It's almost as if it was written for you.

[328] But I don't think, I think there are very few people who could have done that.

[329] I think there are very few people who could have, you know, who could have played it because you had to play such different realities and the, and the way that you guys would switch realities.

[330] It's It's a sitcom, but then it's really not, and it would keep evolving and have menace there, but you're also fun to watch.

[331] I can't think of someone else who would do that as well.

[332] And I think that that took you, that just takes a long time to be able to do that.

[333] I mean, I guess, like, you know, what's so interesting about all of this is, like, you just arrive, you're right, you're right, not to get too highfalut and I'll try not to, but, like, it does feel like this thing just kind of happened, like it's a gig.

[334] was like something happened in this particular gig that was, that called on something that was awesome timing.

[335] I'm going to hazard to guess that while you were doing it, you probably felt, oh, I know exactly.

[336] Yes.

[337] I know what this is.

[338] I know what this is.

[339] And you said earlier, you know, in my 20s or whatever I felt, or there are other times where I felt we all know what that feels like.

[340] I did a lot of TV, especially early on, where I felt like I'm trying to be this thing.

[341] people think I am this thing, and then it took a long time for me to just sit with.

[342] Own that thing.

[343] Own it.

[344] Yeah.

[345] Own that thing.

[346] Sounds, sounds dirty.

[347] Own that thing.

[348] But you were so, like, you were a, like a, just generosity.

[349] I just will never forget it.

[350] Like, and I'm not the only person.

[351] I mean, you know all this.

[352] But just to be such, for no reason to be sitting there on your couch, on your talk show.

[353] But just clarifying.

[354] Thank you.

[355] Clarifying, but just such generosity, not feeling like a comedian or particularly funny and just feeling like, oh, I'm not supposed to be here.

[356] This is not my world and you were, you were just a generous bird, so generous.

[357] And I was just full forever being.

[358] You know what, the thing is, I can't, I honestly can't.

[359] I wish I could take credit for saying that that comes out of like moral character.

[360] Oh, okay.

[361] When someone's out there with me, I want us both to have a good time or I will feel terrible.

[362] I want to make it work as a group.

[363] I want it to be a group dynamic.

[364] As long as my name's at the top of the bull, and as long as I get most of the money.

[365] Sure.

[366] I mean, these are just little caveats.

[367] No, sure, sure, sure.

[368] And as long as it's pretty clear, I'm top dog.

[369] Sure.

[370] You know, and that's really established again and again and again.

[371] And that merch, I want all the merch.

[372] But that shit aside, I want people to have a good time.

[373] Yeah.

[374] No, I mean, that shit aside.

[375] Did you get that?

[376] Did you get what I said, Matthew Gourley?

[377] I want Matthew Gourley to chime in because I want him to really understand that I need to be top dog, Matt, all the time.

[378] You understand?

[379] I only know that to be a universal truth for you.

[380] That's the only thing he knows.

[381] And you know, Matt, I know you dream about a piece of the merch, but you're never getting a fucking piece of this merch.

[382] Never.

[383] I'll never.

[384] I'm going to have all of it.

[385] But other than that, I want to support you.

[386] You know what I'm saying?

[387] As a performer.

[388] I know that I was dead to you before I was even born.

[389] Thank you.

[390] Sona, you're not getting merch.

[391] No merch for you.

[392] None at all.

[393] A small piece for your twins, just a small piece.

[394] Oh, okay.

[395] All right.

[396] I mean, I'll take a small piece.

[397] It's kind of, it's kind of amazing that you make them sit in on these Zoom these Zooms to just hear this over and over again.

[398] Over and over and over.

[399] Look, I've been told, Catherine, I've been told it's cruel and I've been told it's almost arbitrary and sick to a degree that I lash out this way for no reason.

[400] Yes.

[401] But I want it just made it so clear.

[402] No. Across the board.

[403] Merch means.

[404] that much to you.

[405] Oh, you have no idea.

[406] I've got to have all the merch.

[407] But that said, I think I'm a very generous man. Sure.

[408] Also, Catherine, can you take us away from here?

[409] Sure, yes.

[410] I'm going to just slide really quickly into the chat, my phone number and an address.

[411] You know what I was, I wanted to remember to ask you, which is, like a lot of people, my vintage.

[412] I grew up seeing reruns of the Dick Van Dyke show.

[413] And so it was so fascinating to me when and I'm sort of going to nerd out here, but when you guys recreated in that first episode, when you recreated essentially the Dick Van Dyke show in this alternate universe, it was a while before I realized you did it in front of an audience.

[414] You're on the actual set of the show and I thought, oh my God, you guys know what it's like to make the Dick Van Dyke show in a way.

[415] Do you know what I mean?

[416] It was the kind of performing, that kind of, I mean, it was, you cannot attempt that and screw it up.

[417] Well, you know, we got to, yeah, we got to rehearse it, which was a luxury, so we had some time.

[418] And then we rehearsed it like a play, like, you know, like they would back then.

[419] And then they also, and like you would have, you know, multi -cam now.

[420] But they used, like, the audience was dressed in period clothes.

[421] They had period lights.

[422] Like, all the operators were dressed in period clothing.

[423] Like the only time that they put the fourth.

[424] Wallup was, and then the audience didn't see that, was when the camera flipped for when Mr. Hart was choking.

[425] Yes, yes.

[426] So the audience didn't actually see that so that the laughter could keep going and there wasn't any confusion.

[427] The audience didn't see that.

[428] But what I was most, I think, like, skeptical of was Jack Schaefer who wrote the script.

[429] It was so spot on.

[430] Like, the jokes were so period.

[431] Bless you.

[432] Period.

[433] That I was like, is there going to be laughs?

[434] Like, it's so earnest.

[435] Like, I wonder if it's going to be And then the...

[436] Will this still be funny to people?

[437] Yes.

[438] Well, a modern audience laugh at this cadence, these kind of jokes.

[439] They did.

[440] It was so funny because when I was watching...

[441] And Sona, you know, I know that you felt the same way, but I was like watching that first episode and throughout, but I was always, because I'm such a TV fanatic, I was watching the Dick Van Dyke episode as if it was made in 1962.

[442] You know, I was watching...

[443] As it moved along, I was watching...

[444] watching it, and not intentionally.

[445] I wasn't trying to be a good watcher.

[446] I was just, I would fall into the rhythm that you guys set out.

[447] There's a rhythm.

[448] And the costume and everything, but it's almost like a, they should use that show almost as like a master class and these were the major styles of comedy on television.

[449] Yes.

[450] Because you could study it and you can really see that the rhythms and the way that you had to shift the way you performed and the kind of jokes you were doing.

[451] It's stunning and educational too.

[452] We got to do the, I mean, I'll never forget this, but we, you know, at the end of, I think it's episode seven, where I get to do that theme song, the Agatha All Along, and which was so fun.

[453] Which, by the way, I think went to number one.

[454] It went to, uh, Agatha All Along went to number one, reached number one on the iTunes charts.

[455] And you know what?

[456] I was like, yes, I love that song, so it deserves it.

[457] But how insane is that?

[458] I don't.

[459] It was, but so longers, but they, there, there's a shot at.

[460] at the very end where I have the dog and I have the witch cackle and that shot was literally in front of the original Bewitched House.

[461] So we were on the back lot of Warner Brothers and so that was like Matt and I when we were doing that we couldn't just the fact that we were able to do that the fact that that was like it baked into the history of that moment and like just the sitcom history was baked into the making of this show was like it was goosebumps city USA when we were making it.

[462] It was pretty great.

[463] My life as a kid was watching these iconic TV shows.

[464] And then cut forward to, you know, I'm in my 20s and I'm out in L .A. Getting started on my career.

[465] And I was on a date with someone once.

[466] And she said, oh, I know where the Brady Bunch house is.

[467] And she drove me to it.

[468] And I'm looking at the Brady Bunch House.

[469] And I thought, there's so many mysteries of the world that are supposed to blow our mind.

[470] And I'm, but this is the one that really blew my mind that, wait, how can I have seen that as a child?

[471] but now I'm here.

[472] And I've had that so many times time and time again where I've been on a back lot and someone said, oh, and yeah, and that's where Gilligan's lagoon was.

[473] And I'm like, what are you talking about?

[474] And then I insist on seeing it.

[475] It looks just like a swimming pool or something.

[476] And I go like, but where are there?

[477] I know.

[478] You're in your, sir, please.

[479] You're an adult male.

[480] You're having an episode.

[481] And I don't know, there's something about when you say being in front of the bewitched house, I think the only way to be in show business is just to kind of keep in touch with the awe of, wait a minute, how did I end up here?

[482] I'm from Cleveland Heights, Ohio, and I'm here, and I'm making one of these things, and when they say, action, I'm the one talking, and that's where the Bewitched House is.

[483] No, it's so crazy.

[484] Yeah, exactly.

[485] I'm still constantly, like, in awe.

[486] I mean, I remember back when I was doing Crow Joe, Crossing George, Crossing George, when my dad came to Vince.

[487] It didn't help that you never learned the name of the show.

[488] I think that probably hurt you, very badly.

[489] Very badly.

[490] And like the seven years of, but I remember being able to take my, being so proud that my dad came out to visit me and I borrowed, we shot it at Universal and we borrowed a golf cart and I was able to take him on the back lot tour of Universal and the psycho house is there in the Bates Motel and he's hilarious, you know, both my parents hilarious.

[491] He was so determined to get a picture of me in the window with the mother.

[492] You know what?

[493] She would be like this, and then she would come in.

[494] So it was like, you have to time it so that she would like come into the thing.

[495] And so behind the psycho house, it's like, you know, it's just a, it's like, all, you know, it's all pretend.

[496] It's just like a half of a house.

[497] And then there's like little stairs to get up to like dusty grandma who's been in the window for years and years.

[498] So I, he was like, come on, Catherine, come on.

[499] So I ran up because I wanted to give the state, like he wanted it so badly.

[500] He thought it would be hilarious.

[501] So I ran up the stairs behind the psycho house.

[502] And there's a picture of me like.

[503] Come on, like take the picture next to the grandma, who's kind of out of focus, just like, out her way off.

[504] But it's the best, the best.

[505] We still have it.

[506] We had a picnic in front of the Bates Motel.

[507] And like, to be able to say that we were able to do that together was kind of amazing.

[508] A lovely place to take the family.

[509] Come on, kids.

[510] Get in the car.

[511] Where are we going?

[512] We're going to have a picnic.

[513] We're out.

[514] At the Bates Motel.

[515] Did he A picnic Right from the Bates Motel Come on Keith You're going to love it You're going to enjoy it Glamping Yeah When did you come out here When did you come out to L .A?

[516] It was I think 2001 It was right after Yeah it was like right It was my first gig after grad school So I came like I came right after Were you, I remember Very clearly coming out here For the first time Me too And I'm going to date myself here because no one else will date me. Laugh track.

[517] Nice.

[518] No, that was real nice.

[519] I am a sucker for those.

[520] Oh, yeah.

[521] That's right to my heart.

[522] Guess what?

[523] Catherine, you're the only one.

[524] You're the only one.

[525] Maybe you should be our position on this show.

[526] Oh, no, I'm getting a call.

[527] I just lost the merch.

[528] They just took it away.

[529] No, I came out in 1985, and I was just out of college, and I got, and I, came here and had a cruddy car and I had a complete misunderstanding of what Hollywood was.

[530] Were you scared of this place when you went to L .A. when you got out here?

[531] I mean, again, I came out here with Crow Joe and so they put me up at the Oakwood apartments.

[532] Do you remember?

[533] Yes, I said it at the Oakwood.

[534] Oh.

[535] Best way to meet a divorced man. A divorced pregnant man. No, no. I was going to say it.

[536] It's the best way to meet.

[537] meet a divorced pregnant woman.

[538] I swear to God.

[539] That's amazing.

[540] Yeah, a woman who's like, I would say seven months pregnant, going through a divorce and hanging out at the hot tub.

[541] Totally.

[542] And there were so many, like, and so many child actors.

[543] Like, there were so many stage moms, so many child actors.

[544] There's an amazing documentary about that that's not.

[545] I can't remember what it's called.

[546] But about the pilot season and the Oakwood Apartments.

[547] I can't remember what it's called, but it was incredible.

[548] I'll explain to people.

[549] The Oakwood Apartments are the.

[550] I guess they're gone now, but it used to be where you stayed.

[551] And so that's where, before we got our apartment with no furniture, Greg and I stayed in an Oakwood apartment that's right in Burbank.

[552] It's very hard to describe.

[553] It's a period in my life.

[554] It still gives me the chills.

[555] But child actors.

[556] Recently divorced men in my case.

[557] That's what I saw.

[558] Right, right.

[559] And again, I saw at least three very pregnant, divorced women, or women going through a divorce.

[560] and proposed to all of them.

[561] We had, oh, the Hollywood Complex is the name of the documentary.

[562] It's amazing.

[563] But I remember, like, it's a furnished apartment.

[564] So that's why they were very popular.

[565] And I was working right across the street, which was at Universal.

[566] So, like, I remember walking in.

[567] There was, like, it was all carpeted, which is immediately like, oh.

[568] And then it was, like, in the drawers in the kitchen, there was, like, a can opener and two forks, fake ficus in the corner that's, like, you know, dusty.

[569] And I just remember feeling so lonely.

[570] They rented me a purple Suzuki sidekick.

[571] and I thought my idea of Los Angeles was that strip of Ventura from like all the way to to dye sushi so I was like oh there's there's Vivid Entertainment like I remember being like like I couldn't believe I was driving by actual that Vivid had like a legit looking a place no I swear to God it looks like a building that Google would be in but it's Vivid Video who makes all the porn and but it's this incredibly impressive building and I know I used to go by there all the time I just want to come in and talk to people you guys I'm a big fan of what you guys do well come on let me in all right but that was literally like what I thought it was first I thought I could walk to work because it was right across the street and then they were like no it's like you don't know what a studio is like I thought I could just walk into from the back entrance into Universal and then I had to say So I had my little Suzuki.

[572] Oh, God, that was depressing, you guys.

[573] Those were depressing, depressing days.

[574] And I don't know if you remember to die sushi.

[575] T -O -D -A -I, yeah.

[576] It was a sushi buffet, which is already, you know.

[577] I was on a way in.

[578] Do you enjoy this buffet at Tadai sushi?

[579] You used to, you know, when I was younger and I lived in the suburbs, it was like a fancy place.

[580] Yeah.

[581] And then you realized buffets and sushi don't really go together.

[582] No. It's like, you don't leave it out.

[583] You don't eat sushi.

[584] Cut -rate sushi.

[585] No. That was like the sushi on the conveyor belts.

[586] Like my son and I remember, there was one by the Arklight for a hot second by the Cineromadobe.

[587] And we were, we were, we had dinner there once and we kept watching the same, the same California roll, like, go round and around and around.

[588] And we're all like, still there.

[589] I don't know.

[590] Still there?

[591] I don't think so.

[592] It's still going.

[593] And also, just the idea now, especially after COVID, of food traveling on a, right.

[594] a long journey through a room filled with people what a great idea I want my food to have met everyone in the restaurant four times before I grudgingly put it in my mouth a lot of aerosol droplets please just think of where this raw tuna has been oh it's it's a nine mile journey through the entire restaurant and back again exactly before it wears you down all right I'll do it I'll put that in there.

[595] It's been sneezed on by everyone.

[596] I still drive, because I still live in Los Angeles or after years and years of being in New York and came back here, I drive around all the time and I see those places.

[597] I pass that Oakwood, or what was that Oakwood?

[598] I think now it's a nuclear facility.

[599] It just runs on despair, the despair built up there.

[600] Head shots, and headshots.

[601] Exactly, and you see all those places and you mentioned child actors.

[602] I remember, I think, first of all, were you not a child actor?

[603] Oh, I was definitely, yes.

[604] Yeah, what were you in?

[605] You were in some kind of, was it a local show?

[606] It was a local show called Hickory Hideout, and it was.

[607] You can't make that up.

[608] No, it was me. Time for Hickory Hideout, everyone.

[609] It was me and two puppets called Nutso and Shirley Squirley.

[610] Wow.

[611] We should.

[612] This is fantastic.

[613] We shared space with our local NBC affiliate, news affiliates.

[614] So, like, you would see the news desk, and then, When we would have our shoot days, they would just wheel in a giant tree.

[615] And then they would just shoot us with the news cameras.

[616] And I would like knock on, you know, me and this other little boy would knock on the door.

[617] And these two puppets would come out.

[618] And we would ask, you know, questions.

[619] And no, there was another puppet named Noah at Owl that was an owl.

[620] And we'd ask questions about like getting braces and whatever.

[621] QAnon.

[622] QAnon.

[623] Hey, Noot Owl.

[624] Well, Q &ON is actually a reality.

[625] Cabal rings, you know, that light stuff.

[626] Yeah, Mr. No -It -all was into all kinds of weird stuff.

[627] I remember him.

[628] The show in Boston, which was actually, I think, aired in other cities as well, was called Zoom.

[629] Z -O -O -N.

[630] Oh, very prescient.

[631] And it was very, I know, and it was very, um, yes.

[632] Did you see Zoom, Gordon?

[633] Yeah, yeah.

[634] Well, you're doing, we're on a podcast and you're doing a hand gesture and going like this.

[635] I know, I was trying to stay with you.

[636] And I had no idea what I was following.

[637] No, it was a Zoom.

[638] And the show was, come on and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.

[639] You're going to Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, come on, give it a try, you know.

[640] And kids got on Zoom.

[641] And I remembered in high school a guy telling me like, yeah, I went out with a girl who was on Zoom.

[642] We were all like, oh, my God, that might as, that was the most, I couldn't believe that I knew a guy who had dated a girl who was on Zoom.

[643] Sure.

[644] Yeah, but have you looked at footage of yourself at that age performing and thought, okay, you're doing a good job there.

[645] Good job, Catherine, or do you look at it in horror?

[646] I mean, a little bit of both.

[647] I wasn't like nailed it.

[648] Like I was where, definitely had a Dorothy Hamill haircut.

[649] I definitely wore.

[650] We all did.

[651] Gorley had one.

[652] I had one.

[653] We were adorable.

[654] Weren't we, Gurley?

[655] When you were singing that Zoom, Zoom, Zoom jingle, like, All I could imagine were the gentleman who were just half sloshed, like, so, like, basically alcoholics trying to compose it in someone's basement on a keyboard, just reeking of cigarettes.

[656] There was like a tone of sadness to that jingle that I can't get out of my head now.

[657] Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom.

[658] Yeah, see?

[659] Come on, give it a try.

[660] Oh, God.

[661] Yeah, there's something about it that's very sad.

[662] But, no, I don't know if I look back and I'm like, nailed it.

[663] But, you know what's interesting.

[664] I don't know if you ever did this, but kids, we've all experienced child actors.

[665] And, you know, there's a whole range.

[666] I mean, hardcore fans of ours know that really early on the run of our show, we used to do fake guests and try and fool the audience.

[667] And we had a young woman on, I mean, she must have been maybe 11 or 12.

[668] And she came out there.

[669] And I announced with all seriousness that she was in our like Andy Kaufman stage of, you know, let's fool the audience.

[670] And so we brought her out and we said, that she's, like, she's won the National Spelling Championship.

[671] And so she came out and she did a really good job.

[672] She nailed it.

[673] And the joke was that she couldn't spell anything.

[674] And the audience was really embarrassed.

[675] But then I think they, eventually they learned that they realized, oh, this is a, this is a joke.

[676] But the actress was terrific.

[677] And it was, it was only years later that someone said, by the way, that was Scarlett Johansson.

[678] No way.

[679] Yes.

[680] Yeah.

[681] And she's on this old late -night clip.

[682] You can look it up, this of the spelling bee, this champion.

[683] Oh, I'm going to look it up.

[684] But what I used to remember is that there'd be the kids whose mom, it was clearly the mom drilling this into them, but a kid who was maybe five coming up to me backstage at late night, or maybe older, like eight.

[685] I'm going to say eight, but going, excuse me, Mr. O 'Brien, I just want to say, my name's Peter, and I am such a fan of the work you have done in late night.

[686] It is so prescient.

[687] You have the ability to hold the audience both comedically, but also with an intelligence.

[688] And you can tell that this has been branded under their forearm.

[689] They don't know who I am.

[690] Their mother said, go and talk to that tall red -haired woman over there and convince him.

[691] Yeah, but it's just so, I felt so bad for some of these kids.

[692] It's so rough.

[693] I do too.

[694] You can tell when there is a joy in a child's eye, and then when you can tell when they've just been plied, when they're just getting plied with candy between takes.

[695] And that's maybe why they're there is because they're.

[696] being offered candy.

[697] Like it's so, it's really like, oh, yeah, yie.

[698] I mean, I was a curtain puller at the Cleveland Playhouse.

[699] Like, I was in it.

[700] I'm telling you, I was, first I played Salty the Psalm Book, P -S -A -L -T -Y, in church, in a play called Salty the Psalm Book.

[701] That was, I think, my first production I've ever done.

[702] That's the role to get in that production.

[703] It's the only role.

[704] I know.

[705] I was in Salty the Psalm Book.

[706] Oh, yeah, what did you play?

[707] Salty the Sondbook, asshole.

[708] There's no one else.

[709] Even if there was, it doesn't matter.

[710] But I remember, I remember staying up very late to make that costume out of a, I think it was a refrigerator or maybe a dryer or a laundry box.

[711] Right.

[712] Yep, the Book of Psalms, trying not to trip because I would be very embarrassing.

[713] And then it was like, I was in.

[714] I mean, I was just in, in, in, in, in, in.

[715] Talking to you, it's almost like you're out of time.

[716] And this is why I feel a kindred spirit to you because I think you and I were kind of, were two people that I've always felt I was kind of supposed to be around in the 1890s on stage.

[717] And it's like playing, doing five shows a day and coming out and going like, hey, folks, you know, now let me tell you something.

[718] I don't do, do, and I've always had that.

[719] And I look at you and I think, okay, this is someone else who, I talked to you, and even though you've grown up in the modern era and you were a very young person, I'm looking at you and you're like, well, no, I'm comparative to me. You're a child compared to me. And I'm looking at you and I'm thinking, I talked to you and you go like, yeah, when I was three, I was in Hickory Hideout.

[720] You know, I was a curtain puller.

[721] We were at the old Bijon theater.

[722] You know, for six years, that was the second half of a horse costume.

[723] I had a partner for a while and, you know, he did a so -and -so, you know, he did a fall -down act.

[724] Yeah.

[725] Pop my wig on fire in the footlights.

[726] Yeah, exactly.

[727] That's who you are.

[728] I love it.

[729] That's exactly it.

[730] That's why I was like, okay, got to talk to this Catherine Hahn because whatever it is, we're traveling in the same misguided journey, both of us.

[731] I love it so much.

[732] I'm telling you when I said that at the beginning of this, like, I want to be your friend, Conan O 'Brien.

[733] I really, really, really, really do.

[734] I knew it from the beginning and it's truer.

[735] It's truer now.

[736] I'm a polite Midwesterner, and I didn't want to.

[737] I want to presume.

[738] Okay, you know what it did?

[739] It took me about an hour, but I got you from, I don't know, it feels like a lie, to I'm, you desperately want to be my friend.

[740] And that, that means that this has been a successful episode.

[741] Listen, I want to thank you so much for doing the show.

[742] You're a delight, and I'm just very excited to see what you do next.

[743] And I can't wait to see you in person, too.

[744] Yeah, me too.

[745] Once this world changes enough that we can all hang, it would be.

[746] just be nice to get our top hats on and start with, get our cane, get our cane routine going.

[747] Exactly.

[748] You and I should work out a routine and then try and get invited to dinner parties together.

[749] And then pretend that it's impromptu, but wait a minute, they both brought hats and canes.

[750] And then, oh my God, this is so sad.

[751] Exactly.

[752] Catherine, an absolute delight talking to you.

[753] Just the best afternoon, you guys.

[754] Really, really, really.

[755] Thank you so much.

[756] And congratulations on everything.

[757] You've more than earned it, and I'm really happy for you.

[758] Oh, thank you so much for having me, you guys.

[759] And congratulations, Soda.

[760] Thank you so much.

[761] That's so awesome.

[762] Thank you.

[763] All right, mu, mu, mu, mu, such a pleasure.

[764] Bye, ma -a, ma -a -m -a -ma -bye, Catherine, thank you.

[765] Goodbye, you guys.

[766] Thank you.

[767] Really, a total pleasure.

[768] All right, do I screw this up if I just leave?

[769] Please don't delete this.

[770] Please don't delete this.

[771] And delete.

[772] Occasionally we like to look at the reviews on Apple Podcasts of this show and then just discuss them.

[773] And in a way, kind of review the reviewers.

[774] Do you guys want to hear one?

[775] Yeah, I find it mildly terrifying.

[776] You never know what you're going to hear.

[777] But this is the profession I have chosen.

[778] And I must accept the voice of the critics.

[779] Well, just to put you at ease right away, this is a five -star review.

[780] You can't get any better.

[781] Out of like nine stars?

[782] Nine and a half stars.

[783] Okay.

[784] Terrific.

[785] It's my favorite review.

[786] Here we go.

[787] Okay.

[788] This is titled Help Me Conan.

[789] And it's by Rocket Book Official.

[790] A fan on Instagram suggested I reach out this way.

[791] I'm having an issue with my husband.

[792] He wants to name our son, Conan, after you.

[793] At first, I thought he was joking, but as we progress, I realize he's very serious.

[794] The issue is, I have red hair, and he has a lot of hair, sort of like you.

[795] So this could be really creepy.

[796] We had a deal a while back that I get to name the baby if it's a girl, and he gets to choose the name for a boy.

[797] Maybe you can talk him out of it, please?

[798] Well, you've come to the wrong person.

[799] I say, I'm totally with your husband here.

[800] I think the name Conan is not used.

[801] No one uses this name.

[802] And I don't know if I've ruined it or whatever, but it's a valid, beautiful first name with like a great, you know, sort of Gaelic Anglo -Saxon heritage.

[803] And I don't know.

[804] I don't know why more people don't use it and I'm starting to feel a little self -conscious that I've ruined the name.

[805] I think Conan, the barbarian, may have ruined it.

[806] Yeah.

[807] Oh, I think so.

[808] I'm sorry.

[809] Did you want to ruin it?

[810] I kind of did want to be the one who ruined it.

[811] It does.

[812] That's the size of my ego, is that I'm hurt that I'm not the one who ruined Conan.

[813] Maybe this will make you feel better, but obviously my whole life, I only knew it as Conan the Barbarian.

[814] And then when your show came on, like everybody, it took a while for that to seep in.

[815] And then when I started working for you, Conan was so clear to me that I then saw the movie Conan and kept calling it Conan the Barbarian.

[816] Right, right.

[817] Yeah, it's funny.

[818] I remember that movie came out.

[819] I think I was in college, the first one of early college, maybe freshman year.

[820] And I went and saw it.

[821] And no one had ever really heard my name before because none of us really knew the comic books.

[822] And then this movie came out and I'm in the theater.

[823] And you just heard all these characters saying, Conan!

[824] Conan!

[825] And I had never heard my name outside of someone addressing me. Yeah.

[826] And, of course, it was all, I will kill you, I'll rip your head off, that stuff I had heard.

[827] Right.

[828] From various siblings and neighborhood thugs.

[829] And parents.

[830] I see in grandparents.

[831] I'll crush you.

[832] But I still think it's a great name.

[833] And I think if you, it's kind of like that old Johnny Cash song, a boy named Sue, where the character is named Sue and people tease him for it, but then he turns into like the toughest son of a bitch ever.

[834] Yeah.

[835] I think if your son has red hair and a lot of it and combs it up in a Papadour and his name is Conan, he's going to work so hard that he will eventually, because he'll have to, he'll have to surpass and rise above the torture and the teasing.

[836] He will eventually become famous, and he will replace Conan and Conan O 'Brien, he'll replace us both.

[837] Right.

[838] And then he'll be the new Conan.

[839] And that's what needs to happen.

[840] This needs to happen is that your son needs to pick up the mantle and become.

[841] the most famous Conan of all.

[842] Did people make fun of you?

[843] With your name?

[844] Yeah, yeah, they did.

[845] When the movie got really popular.

[846] Okay.

[847] I'm trying to think what did it make me do?

[848] I didn't work out.

[849] I know, I was going to say, it didn't, you didn't have the Sue effect.

[850] It's not like you became super tough.

[851] No. Like, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but.

[852] No, no, no. I didn't develop a razor sharp wit.

[853] No, I didn't really either do that.

[854] I think it's more just, I learned how to make a lot of faces and move my hips around in a strange way.

[855] What do you think this new Conan will be known for if it goes barbarian, comedian, something?

[856] Yeah.

[857] What do we think it could be?

[858] What's this new Conan going to do that makes him the most famous Conan of all?

[859] Well, there is a singer named Conan Gray, who's pretty popular, right?

[860] And there was Conan Nolan, the broadcaster, right?

[861] That's right, Conan Nolan.

[862] Yeah, but they slip by the wayside.

[863] This Conan Gray guy, is he really coming up on me fast?

[864] He is.

[865] I mean, you know, the real trick is to, like, type in Conan on Google and see which name comes up first.

[866] I'll do that right now.

[867] No, you know what?

[868] I don't.

[869] What if it's not, what if it's not O 'Brien?

[870] Then this is awkward.

[871] Well, let's find out if this Conan Gray is coming up fast on me. Conan O 'Brien.

[872] And second place is Conan Gray.

[873] Oh, so I'm still first place.

[874] And then Conan the Barbarian.

[875] Right.

[876] Conan the Barbarian.

[877] So Conan Gray is still in second position.

[878] We've, man, I'm going to sweat.

[879] this now.

[880] Yeah.

[881] How popular is he?

[882] Pretty popular, right?

[883] He's got a great face.

[884] Okay.

[885] All right.

[886] So, okay, sorry.

[887] Oh, so my face was all fucked up.

[888] No, I mean, no, he's like a cute singer.

[889] Right.

[890] He doesn't have like BDIs and thin lips and come on.

[891] You're winning.

[892] Can you just take that?

[893] I'm barely ahead right now.

[894] Is this like some young cute guy?

[895] Is that the idea?

[896] Yeah.

[897] Well, I'm sorry.

[898] I'm aging.

[899] I'm getting old and I'm falling apart.

[900] He's a good looking kid.

[901] Yeah.

[902] Show me a picture of this Conan gray.

[903] This is upsetting.

[904] I've worked hard to build this Conan name.

[905] Look at his face.

[906] That's a great face.

[907] There's a picture of him with a raven on his shoulder.

[908] Oh, my God, this guy is so much better looking than me. And you know what?

[909] He has a look of intensity that I can't manage.

[910] You're better looking than Conan the Barbarian.

[911] What?

[912] Well, yeah, no. No, you are.

[913] No. Conan the Barbarian.

[914] What are we talking about?

[915] We're talking about Schwarzenegger and his prime was an Adonis.

[916] was.

[917] Yeah, no, I'm really just trying to be nice right now.

[918] I'm getting my, no, I'm talking about Conan the barbarian now.

[919] Oh.

[920] The aged Conan Conan.

[921] No, hold on a second.

[922] Hold on a second.

[923] I'm looking at these pictures of Conan Gray.

[924] You really are scrolling.

[925] I'm really scrolling and there's a lot of pictures of him were very different.

[926] He's got, oh, there's a picture of him biting into an apple.

[927] See, I can't look like that biting into an apple.

[928] I'm just usually like, oh, good apple.

[929] This guy really looks, there's a picture of him from Equate magazine biting into an apple.

[930] And he looks like he means business.

[931] He wants to get that top spot on Google.

[932] I need my fans to rally.

[933] You know the way Beyonce has these fans who whenever someone threatens Beyonce, you know, or says something about Beyonce.

[934] She has the beehive.

[935] The beehive.

[936] I want that.

[937] The cone drones.

[938] The cone drones.

[939] Thank you.

[940] Oh, yeah.

[941] That's as cool as the beehive.

[942] They're both bees.

[943] You know what you're not, can you do me favor?

[944] You're not helping.

[945] We're on to something good.

[946] And you're just like an anchor dragging off the back of our race bar.

[947] I'm sorry, I'm helping.

[948] Listen, Matt, I'm serious.

[949] The cone drones.

[950] This is fantastic.

[951] You picture an army of like orange drones.

[952] I just want them to go.

[953] I just, we got to chip away at this cone and gray thing.

[954] Because I look at this guy.

[955] He looks like a million bucks.

[956] I hear that he sounds great.

[957] I can't compete with that.

[958] I'm rotting like an old pumpkin in the sun and this guy's coming up fast.

[959] I think there's two ways to handle this.

[960] You either have the Cone Drone Army, Google your name to raise it higher in the ranks, or Google Conan the Barbarian to surpass Conan Gray.

[961] No, no, your second idea is stupid.

[962] Your first idea is genius.

[963] I need the Cone drones to drive me way up high in the Google search so that Conan Gray fades like the gray light at dusk.

[964] You want to destroy this young man's career.

[965] Not destroy it.

[966] He can do other things.

[967] Do they still have copy shops?

[968] You want to work at like a FedEx office?

[969] Yeah.

[970] There's still things he can do.

[971] He's got a whole life ahead of him.

[972] How many years do I have left?

[973] One, 50.

[974] We don't know.

[975] But Conan Gray is here to stay.

[976] Well, here's the thing that's weird is that it started off with this person asking if they should name their kid Conan.

[977] Oh, please.

[978] You said, let's make you more famous.

[979] That kid's going to surpass you on the Google list.

[980] You know what?

[981] Can I just say?

[982] and I don't mean to, you know, this woman reached out and asked me for a favor, but we've got bigger things to worry about now.

[983] And I can't be, I can't get bogged down in your problems.

[984] Name the kid Conan Don't.

[985] I just got to jump out of this one.

[986] It's the Conan Gray thing you've now made me aware of that it's triggered my fight or flight reflux.

[987] Okay.

[988] And I have to do something.

[989] Okay.

[990] I have to, I gotta get the cone drones to put me ahead of Conan Gray.

[991] I just had a horrible realization.

[992] What?

[993] What happens when you, you go gray -haired.

[994] People are going to Google Conan.

[995] Oh, I know.

[996] Well, that's why I'm buying all these wigs.

[997] I bought all of Lucille Ball's old wigs at the Lucille Ball's estate sale.

[998] I have 600 Lucille Ball vintage wigs that I got at the estate sale, and I'm going to start applying them.

[999] You're going to see me 1950s Lucy, 60s Lucy, here's Lucy, Lucy's back.

[1000] You're going to see Stone Pillow Lucy when she did her star turn.

[1001] as a homeless person?

[1002] Sure.

[1003] I remember that.

[1004] Yes, I have that wig.

[1005] It's not a great wig.

[1006] But the point is, I'm set.

[1007] I've thought ahead about this.

[1008] And Conan Gray, it's nothing personal.

[1009] It's just you or me, man. It's you or me, and I've got to win.

[1010] Okay.

[1011] Okay.

[1012] The other realization I had is just us discussing this is going to make every listener go, what's this Conan Gray look like?

[1013] Oh, no. That's going to happen.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] Oh, no, and then they're going to look him up.

[1016] You know what?

[1017] Don't.

[1018] I will say.

[1019] You should.

[1020] You should.

[1021] He's cancer.

[1022] No, no, no, no, no, no, don't.

[1023] There's something, I noticed a virus or something on that, on that Google search?

[1024] I'm not sure I know exactly how computers work, but I'm getting, yes, a text now.

[1025] Oh, this is, oh, God, I can't believe.

[1026] This is too bad for the kid.

[1027] Yeah, there's a virus when you look up his name and that gets right in your phone.

[1028] It's already got into my phone and a blue foam is coming out of it now.

[1029] I wouldn't go on that, but it says here if you, oh, if you Google Conan O 'Brien, oh, that's cool.

[1030] Huh.

[1031] Yeah.

[1032] You get a free, uh, great.

[1033] just be cream donut.

[1034] Well, Rocket Book official, I hope we helped.

[1035] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[1036] I forgot your problem.

[1037] Sorry, I didn't really listen.

[1038] Good luck with whatever's happening.

[1039] I think it involved a human life.

[1040] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1041] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Goreley.

[1042] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1043] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1044] theme song by the White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering by Will Bechtin Talent Booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Brick Con You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan?

[1045] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1046] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1047] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1048] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Ear Wolf.