Kristen Bell Returns Again

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dack Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[3] Hello.

[4] Oh, my God, this is a little tip of an upcoming thing.

[5] We had a guest on that had your same name.

[6] Yeah.

[7] And to mitigate confusion, we'd establish early on that I would never refer to you as Monica throughout the interview.

[8] So a good deal of my brain was preoccupied with all of your nicknames.

[9] You did a great job.

[10] Until the end.

[11] It was really fun.

[12] I ran out at the end, even though that is one of your monikers.

[13] You could have said moniker.

[14] Moniker.

[15] Yeah, fuck me. Damn it.

[16] Anyways, yeah, it was kind of a fun thing.

[17] That's upcoming.

[18] Very fun.

[19] Okay, today, you've loved her and everything you've seen her in.

[20] If you've seen her in something and you didn't like her in it, then you're a piece of shit and you need to get down to an optometrist, have your eyes looked at, have your ears checked because she's all around delightful.

[21] Yes, acting robot.

[22] Acting robot.

[23] My bride, Kristen Bell, is here to talk about her new show, which from the bottom of my heart is absolutely brilliant.

[24] I can't believe they pulled it off.

[25] It is called the woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[26] That's the first time I've said it correctly.

[27] On Netflix, out now.

[28] Please enjoy Kristen Bell.

[29] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[30] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[31] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[32] I might have made a tactical blunder, just going to be ahead of it, which is I just now 1 .2 pounds, Sloppy Joe, seconds before.

[33] You did house it.

[34] Strug looks great.

[35] I like to power wash it once a year.

[36] That's what you want to do with a meddle and wine trub.

[37] We're getting close.

[38] In fact, the power washer is plugged in, so maybe this would be the weekend.

[39] Plugged in to the Uler.

[40] That's right.

[41] Oh, great, great, great, great, great.

[42] Great, great, great update.

[43] You're about to hear a really unfortunate event that's happened in the last two days.

[44] Would you like to start the story?

[45] Starting what, a week ago?

[46] No, it was about, it was three days ago.

[47] Three days ago.

[48] Oh, okay.

[49] Irrelevant.

[50] Doesn't matter.

[51] I just want people to know how long you were smelling it.

[52] Yeah, we'll get to that.

[53] Okay, yeah.

[54] Okay.

[55] So in our bedroom, you know, the girls sleep on the floor of our bedroom and a, A few nights ago, I smell a really raunchy smell, and I'm like, who's farting?

[56] Uh -oh.

[57] Right.

[58] You go to the obvious first.

[59] Right.

[60] All three of them are like, sorry, it's me. So I go, okay, my family has gas.

[61] Big D. You know?

[62] Make up in the morning, wow, nobody's gas has dissipated.

[63] Something smells, but it also smells like it's burning.

[64] Oh.

[65] I'm glad you're pointing this out because I might have even mentioned this on the show a couple weeks ago.

[66] I had profound gas one night.

[67] And so I woke up to you opening up like the French doors, like full blast.

[68] Mm -hmm.

[69] I needed oxygen.

[70] Right, right, right.

[71] You were trying to create a nice crosswind to whisk away the smell.

[72] And of course, I felt quite guilty because I knew minimally I contributed to it and perhaps was the leader of it.

[73] So, yeah, to work in conjunction with the flow of the gas coming out of you.

[74] I wanted it to go out of the window.

[75] Right, right, right.

[76] So we had an explanation, ish, which was the gas.

[77] Yeah.

[78] But next morning, still smell it.

[79] God, you know what?

[80] I'll wash the sheets.

[81] Okay, great.

[82] Wash the sheets.

[83] Nothing.

[84] You know what?

[85] I'll open the French doors again.

[86] I'll light some candles.

[87] That always does it, right?

[88] It airate the room.

[89] That night, I go to bed.

[90] I'm like, does anybody else smell this like rotten garbage, like burning garbage smell.

[91] Now, Delta, the little one, she is smell sensitive.

[92] So she goes, you know what?

[93] I do smell it.

[94] Lincoln and Dax.

[95] We're out.

[96] It was like motorcycle riding.

[97] Let's go.

[98] She is very sensitive to smells.

[99] 100%.

[100] Yeah.

[101] But Lincoln and Dax can't be bothered.

[102] So Delta and I are, well, being gaslit.

[103] Oh, literally.

[104] Yes.

[105] To put it plainly.

[106] Dax and Lincoln are like, there is nothing in here.

[107] We're watching how it's made, which is what we watch to go to bed.

[108] So the next morning I'm like, I got to figure out what this is.

[109] Right.

[110] We all go to work and go to school.

[111] That evening, I said, Lincoln, get up here.

[112] We're smelling every square inch of this room.

[113] There was also just, I want to add, we conscripted the girls to look under all the furniture in the room thinking there could be a stray dog.

[114] Tertie.

[115] Oh, that's a good.

[116] A dog doodle.

[117] A dog doodle.

[118] A poody.

[119] A pooty.

[120] A pooty.

[121] Or maybe a cracho fell underneath the bed and his rotting.

[122] Chicken wings.

[123] Food gets eaten up there.

[124] So I lean down and smell the mattress.

[125] Dax's corner, his feet corner of the mattress.

[126] And I almost hit the deck.

[127] I almost passed out.

[128] It was so strong.

[129] And I said, Lincoln, get over here.

[130] Don't gaslight me. Tell me if this smells.

[131] She smells it.

[132] She's like, ooh, that is raunchy.

[133] We lift up the sheets.

[134] It's not the sheets.

[135] I lift up the mattress cover.

[136] It's not the mattress cover.

[137] Well, it's saturated, but I lift up the uller.

[138] The uller smells.

[139] And just really quick, an uller is this nice little bladder that goes over your bed, and then it runs through a network of tubes either warm or cool water, whether you want to warm the bed or cool the bed.

[140] Right.

[141] And I'm a sweater, so I use it every night.

[142] Yes.

[143] And it needs to be filled with water, and every time it beeps and says it needs water, you say...

[144] What do I say?

[145] Oh, she's a thirsty, bitch.

[146] That's what you say.

[147] She's a thirsty bitch.

[148] Yeah.

[149] Well, obviously, I'm not using it in the day.

[150] So it's always a nighttime escapade.

[151] Right.

[152] So, you know, I'm half asleep or whatever it is.

[153] I'm not at my best.

[154] No one's at their best.

[155] The broom on, I can't turn on all the lights.

[156] Right.

[157] Let me just add one thing.

[158] This story does have a point.

[159] Okay.

[160] I need everyone to know that.

[161] So I run downstairs, get to ax.

[162] I'm like, I found it.

[163] I found it.

[164] This is what smells.

[165] He sits on the end of the bed and he goes, Oh my God, I remember a couple nights ago, she beeped like she needed water.

[166] She was thirsty.

[167] She was thirsty.

[168] And he grabbed a cup of liquid.

[169] Oh, no. Well, let me just, I got to just add a detail.

[170] Every night's the same thing for me, as you know.

[171] I bring in two blender bottles full of water.

[172] I consume one of them.

[173] And then the other one goes into dump in the curate.

[174] In my mind, I always have two fresh waters in the blender cups.

[175] Right.

[176] And I'm sure that in your mind, that's all you have.

[177] your nightstand, but you have, like, a bunch of tokens, a bunch of knick -knacks, you have some sunglasses, you have a ton of tissues, you have some workout powder, some pre -imposed workout powder, you have a protein shake, you have books, you have so many tists.

[178] I'm allergies, folks.

[179] So the point is, it was messy.

[180] He grabs a bottle of liquid, pours it in there.

[181] Turns out it was probably an old protein shake that's been running through the uller for two days.

[182] Longer, longer.

[183] Longer.

[184] So disgusting.

[185] It had been out 10 days before I had dumped that in there.

[186] Oh, that's irrelevant.

[187] It is.

[188] The point is we were sleeping.

[189] Well, I just wanted everyone to know it had some time to rot.

[190] Burning garbage.

[191] Yeah.

[192] So then I look it up and it's like, yes, it has a UV setting.

[193] Great.

[194] We put the UV setting on.

[195] Get real.

[196] No. Okay.

[197] You can't flush putty through there, pop on the UV and expect to have drinking water at the end of that.

[198] So I take it off.

[199] I put it in the tub.

[200] I try to drain the water out of it.

[201] That doesn't really work.

[202] Dax takes it downstairs and hooks up.

[203] the power washer to it to push everything out of the tubes.

[204] Sorry, Uler, I'm sure they're like, that's not what we designed it for.

[205] You're not supposed to put a power washer into the tubes.

[206] Also, it doesn't take pre - or post -workout powder.

[207] It also might have been athletic greens.

[208] It doesn't take athletic greens.

[209] Don't put a protein shake in your uller.

[210] I remember, as I admitted later, I should have brought this up.

[211] I should have.

[212] This is a failing on my part.

[213] But again, it was the middle of night.

[214] I was like, oh, this bitch, there is thee.

[215] And then I poured it all in.

[216] And then when I set it back on the nightstand, I thought, was that liquid red at the bottom?

[217] And the only thing red I have is the pre -workout you spoke of earlier.

[218] So I think perhaps there was some pre -workout, maybe.

[219] So Kristen found it, right?

[220] But we concluded it was very late.

[221] We all had to go to sleep.

[222] So we go to sleep.

[223] You slept on it?

[224] Yeah, because you couldn't smell it at this point because we had washed the sheets and the duvet cover and the pillowcases and everything.

[225] So if you didn't put your nose in it, you weren't getting all that much.

[226] And we agreed, like, we'll do this in the morning.

[227] was late when you discovered that.

[228] Previously, I couldn't even smell it in the air.

[229] But once I got a scent, like a hound dog, the whole night, it's all I could smell.

[230] And I was having a dream all night where I was being asked to fix this.

[231] And I was trying to get the water out, drain that.

[232] And I needed vinegar in my dream, I decided.

[233] I knew vinegar was going to solve this.

[234] And about halfway through the process, I turned a light on because it was too dark.

[235] And I realized when I had poured out the uller, that the excrement was like all these larvae in a pupil stay, black.

[236] Not just was the whole floor black with maggots.

[237] I had been standing in it and it crawled up my legs.

[238] So now I have pupil state bugs all over my legs and I need vinegar so bad.

[239] And I kept dumping shit in it and it kept smelling it because in real life I was smelling it in my sleep.

[240] Like when you have to pee at night and you have a dream that you pee and then you're walking away and you're like, God, I still got to pee.

[241] I don't know if you guys do that.

[242] You ever do that?

[243] Yeah.

[244] It was that.

[245] It was very eventful the last couple days.

[246] The uller is currently drying on chairs on the deck.

[247] It smells terrible.

[248] I don't think it's going to be.

[249] It's going to be a full total.

[250] Yeah, I believe it's a real bummer.

[251] So the uller is cool.

[252] Like you can have each side of the bed, have a different temperature and stuff like that.

[253] Because I put mine on warm usually.

[254] Yes.

[255] Yeah.

[256] So while you, Dax, were out of town, I stayed with Molly one night.

[257] Uh -huh.

[258] And they have an uller.

[259] and I was sleeping on Eric's side of the bed because you guys were out of town and his side of the bed is so cold.

[260] I mean, it is like zero degrees and I was wrapped up in all these blankets but it doesn't matter because you're laying on top of it.

[261] Of ice.

[262] And it was so cold and then when Molly would go to the bathroom I would just touch her side which was so warm.

[263] I was just like trying to get some warmth when I could.

[264] It was freezing and I was like, wow, he sleeps like this.

[265] And likes it.

[266] Okay, hold on a second, though.

[267] You and I have had a couple different debates about the fact that you and Molly clearly have a burgeoning romance.

[268] You go on romantic occasions.

[269] Yes, and you guys are in hot tubs together drinking wine and looking at each other at the sunset.

[270] Now come to find out you guys are also sleeping together.

[271] Well, if we're going to have a sleepover, we're going to share a bed.

[272] Okay, all right.

[273] I mean, we do that if we're going to be in a hotel or something.

[274] Well, yeah, because we want to chat.

[275] Sure.

[276] We want to chat and we want to talk right until.

[277] the moment where we go to sleep.

[278] Maybe it's a gender thing.

[279] I mean, Aaron and I will sleep in the same bed, but as you guys know, we're both too big to kind of share a bed and his snoring historically has been an issue.

[280] Well, no, because like when Jed slept over, there was a time you were out of town when the girls were really little and Jed slept over and we slept in the same bed.

[281] I mean, Jed is not interested in women so that there was no threat there, but he's also my best friend.

[282] And then, as you remember, Bob, our pool guy, took you aside a couple days.

[283] later and freaking tattled on me. Yeah.

[284] He said she had a man sleep over Dax.

[285] And I was like, Bob, why don't you mind your business?

[286] I know, I don't like that.

[287] Back off, Bob.

[288] I mean, it's nice like he was doing that for you, but also it's rude.

[289] But like Bob doesn't have bro code with you.

[290] Well, I just, in Bob's defense, he predates you.

[291] But he doesn't know the situation you guys have.

[292] Maybe it's fine.

[293] Bob made assumptions.

[294] Yeah.

[295] Yeah.

[296] Well, he just brought it up.

[297] He didn't say like your wife's cheating.

[298] on you, he just said, it seems like I need to tell you, I saw a man coming and going while you're out of town.

[299] Look, A, Bob is older than us.

[300] He's from one or two generations prior to ours.

[301] So, you know, he's got a different thing he's working with.

[302] Yeah.

[303] I just now I feel like there's surveillance.

[304] We don't have them anymore, sadly.

[305] Now, that's Carly and Yurt's problem now.

[306] Well, he's not dead.

[307] No, we didn't lose him.

[308] We just moved.

[309] Yeah.

[310] No, we fucking love Bob.

[311] And Bob's still under the employ of that house.

[312] And now probably keeping an eye out, I imagine for a yurt.

[313] He's probably watching my sister like a hawk when he's over there.

[314] Although I wonder if he'll flip it for her and keeping his eyes on yours.

[315] If it's about loyalty, it should be.

[316] Carly.

[317] Yeah, it should be that he's looking out for Carly.

[318] Yeah, because they've known each other for 16 plus years.

[319] Okay, so we are here to talk about your new show.

[320] And your colonoscopy.

[321] Oh, two hot topics.

[322] Oh, hot.

[323] Well, let's start with the colonoscopy.

[324] Okay.

[325] Does that sound down?

[326] Yeah, you had one.

[327] I had an elective colonoscopy.

[328] Performed by Bob, our pool guy.

[329] Right.

[330] Well, he had all the tubes.

[331] Did you use the Uler tube?

[332] Did they, okay.

[333] Oh my God, maybe that's why it smells.

[334] It all adds up.

[335] So, yes, you're supposed to start getting colonoscopies.

[336] I think at 45 and 40, if you have any family history, I do.

[337] So I was like, get in there.

[338] Yeah.

[339] And I'd never had one before.

[340] And you can't eat for 24 hours.

[341] It used to be that you took this, like, dank liquid.

[342] but now there's pills.

[343] I've had like six or seven of them only had the liquid previous.

[344] And then when you got one, of course there was some breakthrough in technology.

[345] And you walk in with a little bottle of pills.

[346] And I was like, what the hell is this?

[347] They were quarter -sized pills and you have to take 15 of them 10 hours before and then five hours before.

[348] So I took it at night before I went to bed.

[349] And then I wasn't, I guess, prepared for what was going to happen afterwards because it really is like it's drain out.

[350] It's absolute drain out.

[351] It's a power wash, if you will.

[352] Yeah, yeah.

[353] Ding, ding, ding.

[354] Ding, ding.

[355] You have to wake up at three in the morning and do it again.

[356] Here's what I wish they would have told me. You don't eat for 24 hours.

[357] Okay, that's fine.

[358] I get that.

[359] You also don't sleep for 24 hours because you are up power washing your insides.

[360] Right.

[361] The whole night.

[362] You can't go to the bed.

[363] It's unbelievable.

[364] So I prep, wake up in the morning.

[365] I'm so exhausted.

[366] I go in, but I'm also kind of excited.

[367] You know, like I like having medical information.

[368] New audience.

[369] Oh, also new audience.

[370] And you know, I love doctors.

[371] I got a thousand questions.

[372] Your mom is a nurse, so, you know, there's a lot to be done there.

[373] And I walk in, everything was super duper easy, super duper nice.

[374] The week prior, when I was filling out the forms, I had taken Lincoln into the office, and she looked at my doctor, and it was like, nice to meet you.

[375] And she said, are you the doctor that's going up my mom's butt?

[376] So, yeah, I went, and it was absolutely great.

[377] Everyone was so nice.

[378] Now, when I was on the table, like, being prepped prior to getting the N. I felt like I asked them a thousand medical questions.

[379] I just felt like I had all of them.

[380] There were like eight people in there.

[381] Not gastrointestinal.

[382] No. Just all encompassing health issue.

[383] How long do you flush a wound out?

[384] Like all these things, like is it actually better to cover a scab or do you want to let it dry out?

[385] You know, like all the things that you would want to ask.

[386] Is this under anesthetic or pre -anesthetic?

[387] Oh, pre -pre -pre.

[388] And then they give me the anesthetic.

[389] And of course, I remember talking for 0 .5 seconds before I was out.

[390] Yes.

[391] And then when I woke up, nothing was uncomfortable.

[392] They said I aced the exam.

[393] And I said, did I say anything fun while I was waking up from the anesthesia?

[394] And she said, you complained a lot about the toilet paper in your house.

[395] Okay.

[396] Because what I realized is I had slept in a separate bedroom because I knew I was going to be up on the toilet all night.

[397] Sure, in and out, in and out.

[398] And somehow the motorhome toilet paper, which is really easily biodegradable and disintegratable, was stocked in that spare bedroom.

[399] It's like less than one ply.

[400] Oh, it's like using cardboard.

[401] Thin cardboard.

[402] Okay, now, I didn't ask this at the time.

[403] I let this blow right by because I didn't want to get in a dust up over this.

[404] But now that you're here on air, it seems like a good time for a dustup.

[405] Are you positive that was motorhome toilet paper, not that horrendous fucking toilet paper you bought so that there'd be no plastic waste?

[406] I'm not sure.

[407] Yeah.

[408] We'll have to look at it.

[409] Because I'm pretty certain it's that one you.

[410] God, and I finally said, look, I love the environment, but I can't be putting my finger through the tissue every time I wipe my butt.

[411] There's got to be some kind of standard of performance in toilet paper.

[412] Now, there's some other things you can, there's wiggle room, right?

[413] Your water pressure is 30 PSI instead of 45.

[414] You can live with that.

[415] Right.

[416] But you grab some tissue.

[417] You've made a mess back there.

[418] And the last thing you need to add to your plate is that as a puncture.

[419] Yeah.

[420] So I, finger brown.

[421] I hate to say this, but I think you may have been hoisted by your own partard.

[422] Okay.

[423] All right.

[424] That's fair.

[425] I don't have enough information to have a report.

[426] I just don't know how the moho toilet paper would have got into the house because it only lives in the mojo.

[427] Well, look, there are miscellaneous items all over the house.

[428] I mean, there are books all over the floor.

[429] They're rolled up rugs on a shelf.

[430] Like, there's a lot of items in different places in the house.

[431] So wasn't that far off.

[432] We have a distribution center.

[433] Yes.

[434] As we've said.

[435] And also, the girls just walk through rooms.

[436] And it's like a teenager late night in a grocery store.

[437] They're taking things off of shells and putting them.

[438] where they don't belong just for shits and giggles.

[439] Rethinking at two aisles over.

[440] Yeah, and just because they're mischief makers.

[441] Anyway, the only other thing that happened was when I was waking up, they said, you did tell us all that you would teach us how to play spades.

[442] All the nurses said that, I promised them, you guys got to know how to play spades.

[443] I'm going to teach you.

[444] And I don't remember that at all, but apparently I was dreaming of spades.

[445] Also, if you don't know the game Spades, what do you even think this game is?

[446] Is it like an athletic game?

[447] Is it pickle?

[448] Is it baseball?

[449] Is it like, what are you offering to teach them?

[450] Do they even know it's a card game?

[451] But what they're supposed to do to someone under anesthetic is just go, yeah, okay.

[452] Why?

[453] Well, I think because anesthesia in your brain, these are all assumptions I'm making.

[454] You didn't ask them?

[455] I didn't.

[456] She was triaging her questions.

[457] So first was like scabs had to get an answer to that.

[458] Yeah, well, no, this was when I woke up.

[459] I was assuming that if someone's groggy, you don't ask them to be at full capacity.

[460] You sort of just agree with.

[461] them and you say, do you need to pee?

[462] How are you feeling?

[463] Are your eyes blurry?

[464] Like, you're doing an actual medical triage on them, not asking them to make sense.

[465] And I imagine these doctors and nurses hear a lot of bullshit falling out of people's mouths.

[466] Well, Uncle Grandpa, famously under anesthetic, said something about I'd like to play with my peepee.

[467] He did?

[468] Yeah, yeah.

[469] I may have the exact sentence wrong, but it was definitely like childlike, about about that he plays with his peepie.

[470] This person, Uncle Grandpa, is a very esteemed intellectual.

[471] Oh, yeah.

[472] He's the last person you think you're going to hear, say, I play with my meeting.

[473] Does he get Grandma?

[474] No, she said.

[475] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[476] I think it's a pretty well -known story.

[477] We remember my story, which I was told once before, but it's worth repeating, I think, now because we're on the topic.

[478] But I went in for a colonoscopy, and ironically or not, I was, I want to say, like, six years sober when I did this.

[479] And I actually was thinking, because I got sober at 29 the first time, and so I was, like, 35 and I prepped on an airplane ride back with Kimmel from Memphis and they had gotten Blue City barbecue, my favorite barbecue in the world.

[480] So the prep was miserable.

[481] It was torture because I just sat and watched people eat barbecue, couldn't eat, blah, blah, blah, had been also thinking in my head, not like planning, but wondering as addicts do.

[482] Like, I got sober so young and I'm not as crazy anymore and I'm not as all these things.

[483] I wonder, would I have a different reaction to drugs.

[484] This is what I was thinking just prior to think.

[485] So I go in for the colonoscopy.

[486] I get the plunger and I feel it and I go, oh, right.

[487] Oh my God.

[488] That's what drugs feel like.

[489] Immediately it was like, oh, right, I can't.

[490] Like, this isn't for me. I like this too much.

[491] And then the woman says, can you feel it?

[492] And then I say as I'm drifting this like out, I go, well, you just went from a six to a ten.

[493] Sincerely thinking that's a funny joke.

[494] The woman wasn't a six at all.

[495] I know we're not saying this anymore.

[496] But this.

[497] is an old story.

[498] And by the way, the nurse was beautiful.

[499] So to me, it was an obvious joke.

[500] It's also a neg.

[501] Well, it's a drinking joke.

[502] Or I'm going to drink you beautiful is a old drinking joke.

[503] And it's just not the thing to say to a nurse who has needles and the ability to knock you out.

[504] A woman doesn't want to be objectified or evaluated, even in the context of a joke.

[505] But again, those were my intentions.

[506] Alas, I wouldn't do it again.

[507] Alas, I was also fucking on drugs for the first time in seven, eight years.

[508] And this is the point of story.

[509] So I don't remember that.

[510] I remember feeling that feeling and then coming to letting out like a 95 second fart that I couldn't, I couldn't believe it wasn't going to stop.

[511] The first thing I asked, Kristen, is like, did you have a 90 second fart?

[512] Wow.

[513] Okay, shit.

[514] I guess it makes sense.

[515] So much error.

[516] They put like six feet of camera up your ass.

[517] Yeah, that does make sense.

[518] I don't remember.

[519] I'm jumping back one more colonoscopy just quickly because Laura took me to my first one, my mom.

[520] And so she was waiting for me. And you know, it's in one of these recovery rooms where there's like 20 beds and little sheets around things.

[521] and I'm in one little sheet.

[522] I had a private room.

[523] Well, yeah.

[524] At the Hyatt?

[525] I thought maybe when I had the seizure and you were there, you were going to get us into a private room and your presence did not.

[526] I didn't do chat.

[527] Oh, man. Okay.

[528] First colonoscopy, I come out and I'm laying on my side and the nurse says, you're going to feel the need to pass gas.

[529] That's natural.

[530] And as I'm about to say, I don't feel like a 90 -second fart to the point where it's so long that I think they've punctured a hole at the top, like airs going through.

[531] What's going on?

[532] All of a sudden I hear my mother start giggling, giggling, giggling, louder, louder, louder, like, Christian.

[533] She's in hysterics.

[534] By the time they wheel me over to her curtain, she's opening it to go to the bathroom because she has tinkled in her pants a bit.

[535] So she laughed so hard from my loud fart that my mom peter pants in the recovery room.

[536] What a family.

[537] Farts are funny.

[538] What a fucking family, though.

[539] Wait, your mom was also getting one at the same time?

[540] No, she brought me because I was like, sad.

[541] 17 or 18, and I had to be driven home and everything.

[542] And so she just was like nine feet away with only little curtains separating me, from her from the 90 -second fart.

[543] Okay.

[544] Now, fast forward to the one I said, you just went from a six to a ten.

[545] Don't remember saying that.

[546] I come two, and the nurse is giving me a ton of tube.

[547] She goes, I see you didn't do your prep.

[548] And I go, what?

[549] And she goes, there was some stool in there.

[550] She literally was shaming me. That is so embarrassing.

[551] And I go, no, no, no. did the thing I did everyone was eating ribs and smoke sausage I didn't have a fucking bite and I did the fleet thing and I've been no she's like no you didn't you had stool in there she must have said I had stool in there four times I was so shamed by her and so I got home and all that stuff's wearing off and kind of I'm getting little snippets of what happened throughout the process and I remember saying that joke to her oh was that lady it was that nurse all of a sudden I remember myself saying that and I was like that is why you don't do drugs because you lose your self -awareness of what's appropriate what's funny what will make people feel good and then there's wreckage the woman shames you about your stool for a long time in front of the other doctors and she goes home insecure if you're listening woman who shamed me you're fucking beautiful there we go and I did not have stool in there we both know no no no no no we know two things to be true you're a fucking smoke show and there was no stool.

[552] But you were fine.

[553] You didn't have anything?

[554] No polyps.

[555] A plus.

[556] Good.

[557] And the cool thing about colonoscopies now guys, which is another reason to sign up to get them, is anything that they find in there.

[558] Like girls know a ton what polyps are because we have pap snores forever.

[559] And they can remove it while you're under, while you're getting your colonoscopy.

[560] So he saw anything he didn't like.

[561] He saw a right hand turn up there that he was not into.

[562] Snip, snip, snip.

[563] They remove them as they find them.

[564] As they find them.

[565] Which is so great.

[566] You don't have to come in for another appointment.

[567] The other thing I got was there's a breath test now, and you can do this to the same colonoscopy doctor, your gastrointestinal person, where you put like an oxygen mask onto your nose with a little two tubes, and you just breathe normally for 15 minutes.

[568] And this gigantic...

[569] Mainframe from the 80s?

[570] No, printer.

[571] It looks like a gigantic Xerox printer, tells you whether or not you are a candidate for stomach cancer.

[572] Oh, great is that?

[573] It doesn't tell you if you have it, but there is a bacteria that is a precursor to stomach cancer.

[574] And it tells you if you have that bacteria.

[575] So if you have it, your GI doctor goes, take these antibiotics.

[576] We're getting that bacteria out of your body.

[577] If you don't have it, he's like, you literally can't get stomach cancer.

[578] I'm going to add another pro tip in there.

[579] While you're out, if you elect to get put out, as I did, ask them to also run the camera down your throat because I'm only going to speak for men.

[580] And we see a lot of men in the news who get throat cancer, tongue cancer.

[581] So often that is from HPV.

[582] It's from oral sex in your youth.

[583] And you would see them on your genitals, but you, of course, don't see them in the back of your throat or the back of your tongue.

[584] So, as we all know, HPV can come cancerous.

[585] So you want it, get a fucking, you want that camera to go down your throat too.

[586] But here's the thing.

[587] My doctor told me that my breathing test was so that they didn't have to put a camera down my throat.

[588] But you also had an HPV vaccine.

[589] You're young enough that you were vaccinated.

[590] for HPV, which I wasn't.

[591] No one my age was.

[592] Well, no, but what I mean is the breath test is a replacement for a down the throat.

[593] No, it'll show if you have the precursor to develop stomach cancer.

[594] But not throat.

[595] It's not going to show warts in your throat that have become cancerous.

[596] The breath test won't do that?

[597] Wouldn't you have like scratchy throat all the time?

[598] You don't have a ton of nerve endings in your esophagus because it would feel painful as you swallowed all the time like you can kind if you notice like even you the other night you thought you had something stuck in your throat or you something may be swallowed up or whatever you had a lump in your throat and then you honey i brought it up you when she said this that you often feel like your pill gets stuck in the back of your throat when you swallow it the reason that there's so much ambiguity i don't think a pill can get stuck in your throat like that i don't know the point is it's not like if something was on your hand you could feel so much about it you'd be able to tell exactly where the item is on your hand you have all these nerve ending you have some tactile sense of what it is.

[599] Your throat's not like that.

[600] When I was little, I had what we thought was strep throat, but when they looked, I did have ulcers up and down my throat.

[601] And it, I mean, it hurts so bad.

[602] It felt it.

[603] I thought I had strep throat.

[604] So I could feel it.

[605] Wasn't it like a kind of broad pain and not an acute?

[606] I don't remember.

[607] Okay.

[608] Because when I've had that, it's like a soreness in a band around where that stuff is, and it's not like a cut on your hand or whatever.

[609] I don't know how much what you're saying applies to everyone.

[610] And maybe this is just, because I have worked with my throat as a tool for my job for 25 years.

[611] I am insanely aware of every part of my throat, my throat muscles, my soft palate, my heart palate, my esophagus, when it's closed, when it's open, the flaps, the vocal cords.

[612] I have an extreme sense of acute awareness down there.

[613] Sure, let me go in reverse.

[614] Your organs don't have nerve endings like your skin, right?

[615] You can't feel the inside of your stomach.

[616] You can't feel the inside of your heart.

[617] You can't, like you get stabbed.

[618] Most people that get stabbed, they'll feel it like on the entrance and the exit, but they're not, you can't feel your organ get punctured so much.

[619] There's really no purpose to it because the pain sensor is all for you to move, right?

[620] So you feel it on your skin so you move.

[621] But what are you going to, how are you going to move is something's in your stomach cutting it?

[622] Although remember that one chapter in the body keeps the score, my favorite book, where the woman was having a hysterectomy and her anesthesia took, but her pain medication did not.

[623] And so she was under.

[624] She was completely knocked out, but she could feel everything they were doing.

[625] And so she felt them going inside.

[626] She said it was so hard to articulate the sensation, but it was as if she was on fire.

[627] And when she woke up, she actually didn't remember for a while, but she started experiencing symptoms of PTSD at home.

[628] And she started...

[629] Pits, tits, slits, and dicks?

[630] She started seeing a therapist, and they were like, I wonder why you're so irritable, why you're having these outbursts, why you're having this depression.

[631] And they did some sort of therapy session on her.

[632] She started remembering that she was awake during the surgery.

[633] Her body was experiencing all the pain, even though she wasn't alert.

[634] And it was just a mistake, but she had PTSD because of that.

[635] What did that story just made you think of, Monica?

[636] I went straight to the virgin who got pregnant story.

[637] Mary?

[638] You think it's a fable?

[639] No, don't you remember?

[640] There is a virgin who got pregnant because she got stabbed in the uterus or somehow semen was on, maybe in her stomach.

[641] And she got stabbed twice, and the semen actually got stabbed into her ovum.

[642] She had a baby, and she was a virgin.

[643] There has been a virgin birth.

[644] There was a stabbing involved.

[645] That seems so, like so many variables.

[646] It seems impossible.

[647] Impossible.

[648] But it was in a news article.

[649] It is impossible.

[650] But when you put seven billion people on Earth, guess what?

[651] The impossible starts happening.

[652] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[653] I know.

[654] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[655] If you dare.

[656] We've all been there.

[657] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[658] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[659] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[660] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[661] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[662] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[663] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[664] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon Music.

[665] What's up guys?

[666] This your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[667] the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[668] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[669] And I don't mean just friends.

[670] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[671] The list goes on.

[672] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[673] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[674] Have you had any, Monica, PTSD about your earrings yet?

[675] No, I haven't.

[676] My ear is healing lovely.

[677] Oh, wonderful.

[678] I picked at some scabs a couple nights ago, so there might be some open, a tiny bit of open wound, but it's doing great.

[679] It's doing great.

[680] The swelling has gone down.

[681] Oh, good.

[682] It's on the mend.

[683] It is on the mend.

[684] All I have to do is decide, do I do that again?

[685] Do I re -pierce?

[686] Can I suggest maybe some of these guys to you while you're thinking?

[687] So the guest has removed one side of the headphones.

[688] She's exposing mid -year, I would say, on the proximal side.

[689] No, on the distal side of the earlobe, a cuff.

[690] Three separate cuffs.

[691] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[692] Yeah, okay, I can't see the three separate right now because my eyes are bad.

[693] Rob, you got it?

[694] We're going to get an ECU of this.

[695] Okay, hold on, hold on.

[696] So they're by Fry Power.

[697] Oh, good another earring.

[698] Which is a very cute jewelry company, and it's the one we had to make Laura's ring.

[699] Remember Laura's birthday ring that we made?

[700] Yeah, Fry Power.

[701] And they're all of these awesome, like, enamel earcuffs.

[702] Oh, Rob's really getting in there.

[703] He's doing a great job.

[704] I love an ear cuff.

[705] It's not uncomfortable.

[706] Zero.

[707] I can't even, I don't even know that it's there, and that's even under the headphones.

[708] Anyways, I was just thinking that since you do want more ear jazz and you want to tell a bigger story.

[709] I do.

[710] That's what you call it, an ear story.

[711] Oh, I didn't know that.

[712] Oh, yeah.

[713] Are they using R word of vent ties?

[714] No. No, it's a neck mess.

[715] How you set your necklaces up is a neck mess, and how you do your earrings is an ear story.

[716] Oh, my gosh.

[717] You don't know anything.

[718] I don't.

[719] Get out of that chair.

[720] So I was just saying.

[721] These might be a key interim of like maybe you don't want to go for the piercing.

[722] A compromise.

[723] That's a good idea.

[724] That's a good idea.

[725] I'll consider it.

[726] And in your mind, what have you filed as being the reason that that happened?

[727] Do you think you're allergic to gold?

[728] Do you think there was something wrong with the earrings?

[729] What do we think happened?

[730] It's two for two.

[731] It's not like one got infected.

[732] You're right.

[733] And if I'm being honest, another one was infected as well.

[734] So I have three piercings on the lobe on each lobe.

[735] And then I had the two cartilage piercing.

[736] when I got the two cartilage piercings, that's when I got the third lobe piercing.

[737] So my left ear, that third lobe also got infected.

[738] So the place had some dirty shit.

[739] I pulled that one out when I was at my parents' house and my ear was black.

[740] And then my mom, of course, took the opportunity to berate me and remind me that when I was little and I got my ears pierced, I had a lot of issues with the earrings that I can only have pure metals.

[741] Pure metals.

[742] And, I mean, solid gold.

[743] Surgical steel posts.

[744] Yes.

[745] And so the earring must not have been.

[746] And it was like black and weird looking.

[747] Did you go to like the mall for these?

[748] No, I went to a really.

[749] Can I also say one thing that is another theory?

[750] And this is just the mom and me. If you touch an open wound that's trying to heal, you get bacteria in it.

[751] And you play with those earrings so often, Monica.

[752] And you're always talking about pus and scabs and smells.

[753] And it's like you're putting, I know, but you're putting bacteria from your hands in there when they're trying to heal.

[754] Like I wonder if you try it again, would you do an experiment?

[755] Like if you get any other piercing, would you just go, okay, for one month, I'm actually not going to touch it.

[756] I can promise you that I'll try.

[757] Oh, wow.

[758] But I can't promise you that I can execute because I don't want to let you down.

[759] And it's hard for me to.

[760] No, you're not letting me down.

[761] I don't touch it.

[762] I didn't touch the third lobe very much.

[763] I did touch it some.

[764] Very much.

[765] But that's it.

[766] You're putting bacteria from the world into that tiny little hole that's trying to.

[767] Daily.

[768] When you don't realize you do something, I think you don't realize how much you touch it.

[769] You're right.

[770] Anna has yelled at me a lot about that.

[771] She catches me a lot touching the earrings and she yells.

[772] Your food.

[773] Yeah.

[774] Yeah.

[775] Can you show mom your legs?

[776] Well, never mind.

[777] You moisturize the shit out of them.

[778] yesterday.

[779] You didn't?

[780] Uh -uh.

[781] Oh, okay.

[782] They're really hairy right now.

[783] Yesterday, Monica was comparing legs with a guest, a very similar skin tone Monica and the guest, and Monica was complaining about being ashy.

[784] You know, we've had now this eight -month debate that ensnared all these other celebrities and having to tell them everyone about their bathing rituals because I've urged Monica to stop washing her limbs and going to the PTSD model, which is pits, tits, slits, and dicks.

[785] That's all you wash when you shower.

[786] Pits, tits, slits, slits, and dicks.

[787] She won't even try it.

[788] I have tried it, kind of.

[789] Tits, slits.

[790] Tits and dicks.

[791] Why do you wash your tits?

[792] Just because it makes the rhyme complete.

[793] That's what I said.

[794] Because an arm cherry came up with pits, tits, and slits.

[795] Okay, got it.

[796] So we'll keep tits in there because it makes more exciting.

[797] I mean, you don't want, like, oils on it.

[798] Your a ariol is maybe.

[799] There's a hole in there.

[800] I've never washed my boobs.

[801] I've never washed my bras.

[802] I wash my bras three times a year.

[803] And we know why, because yesterday one got fucking destroyed.

[804] You had to put one in the grave.

[805] I had to put a bar.

[806] bra down yesterday.

[807] It was really sad because it snapped in the washer, which tells me I have been washing that bra too often.

[808] Great conclusion.

[809] Are you drying?

[810] This is the kind of conclusion Monaco have as well.

[811] You're not supposed to dry them.

[812] They're not to be dried, brassiers?

[813] No, you want to hang dry those.

[814] That and like workout clothes, anything with spandex.

[815] But you should also wash your face.

[816] You have to.

[817] I disagree with that, but that's fine.

[818] That's not a hell I'm going to die on, But the arms, you don't need to wash your arms and your legs.

[819] They're in pants all day.

[820] You want them to smell good.

[821] All you do is the water goes over and you just, by the way, every dermatologist in America has got on the message boards to confirm that I am right about this.

[822] So I'm not even.

[823] What do I say about feet?

[824] Because I've never washed my feet.

[825] And the only thing.

[826] You're supposed to pee on them.

[827] Okay.

[828] Slow down.

[829] So the only thing is when we were on The Good Place, Mike had written a line that where Eleanor was being made fun of by Michael, Ted Danson's character.

[830] And he's like, that says here, you never.

[831] wash your feet in the shower and Eleanor kind of looks guilty and then that day I said to one of the writers I was like wait but you guys are making a joke but I never wash I've never washed my feet can I tell you something if you're listening fucking absolutely don't wash your feet in the shower because it's dangerous as fuck you might as well put ice on the bottom of your tub if you are so hell -bent on washing the bottom of your feet after you're out of the shower sit on the turlet and then wash them with a wash cloth do not put soap on your feet you could sit in the tub and do it Still, like, you're going to make positive.

[832] You've got no slippery soap on the bottom.

[833] You're going down.

[834] You're talking concussion.

[835] I also kind of feel like with shampoo and soap falling to the ground, enough hits my feet and rinses them.

[836] Also, what, you should pee on your feet.

[837] That's how you can avoid getting athletes' foot.

[838] Okay.

[839] Girls have a harder time with that.

[840] You can aim and we can't.

[841] You're right.

[842] You're right.

[843] I guess you could pee and then just, like, step all in it.

[844] What about those little baby buckets back when I was a baby?

[845] There's these little tiny little things They would give babies baths in You know what I'm talking about how?

[846] Yeah.

[847] It's just kind of like a rubber plasticy little baby tub.

[848] Put that in your shower And then step in it And then yawn if you're a girl And fill up the tub.

[849] We give horrible advice on this show.

[850] I can concede that that last one's bad advice.

[851] I will say Monica, I understand what you are saying about wanting your body to just like have a pleasant smell.

[852] But do you think you could do that with like a coconut oil or a lotion or something?

[853] Because that's what I do is, like, I'll put, like, a coconut oil on after the shower, but I haven't necessarily washed my limbs.

[854] That's, I mean, look, you're doing the conventional moisturizing routine.

[855] We talked about your skincare routine yesterday.

[856] Your skincare video on vote.

[857] We talked about that with the guest as well.

[858] And I'm going for, like, the soap smell, like the natural smell from my volcanic ash soap.

[859] I just want to smell like that.

[860] Yeah.

[861] And I do smell like that.

[862] I wonder if we can make that into a purpose.

[863] perfume for you.

[864] Because you can send it into a scent place and be like, this is my favorite scent.

[865] You can?

[866] Yes.

[867] This is my favorite scent.

[868] I want to smell like this, but I only have it in a soap.

[869] I want it in a lotion.

[870] I want it in a perfume.

[871] I want it in an oil.

[872] And it can do it.

[873] Okay.

[874] Can I ask you a question?

[875] Oh, sure.

[876] Yeah.

[877] So you just learned that about the volcanic soap and you've got a nice solution for her.

[878] That's great.

[879] But you've also known for a year now that I love the smell of my ball soap.

[880] And then I said, I wish it was a cologne.

[881] I've said that like 30 times.

[882] and funny.

[883] Yeah, I have it written in my planner to do that for your, like, I know.

[884] I, that's why I know that you can make a scent because I've looked it up.

[885] Oh, that's even better.

[886] Don't ruin it.

[887] Okay.

[888] I just forced you into ruining it.

[889] No, it's not ruin.

[890] I'll still give you a fun gift.

[891] I just didn't know why you wanted Monica to have a nice perfume like her thing, but you didn't care.

[892] Because I already wrote it.

[893] Maybe you don't like the smell of my ball.

[894] No, I do.

[895] I already wrote it down for you as a gift.

[896] In one of my notebooks, I have a page where it's what people say and like good, gifts for the future.

[897] Okay.

[898] Which, by the way, can I say one thing?

[899] I don't think you entirely unwrapped your popcorn present because I unwrapped the second half of it.

[900] There was a part in the box that had bubble wrap.

[901] It is a motorcycle helmet that they have hollowed out and put popcorn decals all over that has a handle.

[902] Get out.

[903] And the inside is a popcorn bowl.

[904] I did not see that.

[905] I know.

[906] I unwrap the bubble wrap.

[907] For people who don't know, Aaron and I, when we go shopping for popcorn, we're never certain which one has the most butter because every one of them is a superlative.

[908] Butteriest butter.

[909] Extra butter.

[910] Movie theater, extra butter.

[911] Extreme.

[912] McButtery's buttery.

[913] Yeah.

[914] Electric butter.

[915] Redden butters.

[916] And so my ideal was to come out with too much fucking butter flavor.

[917] And then I said it enough times that by God, Mr. Redenbocker sent us a box of too much fucking butter.

[918] They printed new boxes.

[919] Yes.

[920] It's not a sticker.

[921] or they printed boxes.

[922] They put them through Orville, through the switch.

[923] Orville himself.

[924] Yep.

[925] Dax's too much fucking butter, movie theater popcorn.

[926] And in it, they included a little remote control car that has a popcorn bowl on top.

[927] So you can deliver the popcorn.

[928] And what I realize is the other half of it that was just under bubble wrap is a hollowed out helmet that is a popcorn bowl.

[929] Man, I wish I would have realized that for the football game.

[930] Okay.

[931] So colonoscopy check.

[932] Ulerchieck, and can we now talk about your show?

[933] Sure.

[934] Because I'm rabid for it.

[935] Have you watched it?

[936] I have not.

[937] I'm excited.

[938] Oh, my God, is it fucking.

[939] Okay, so let's start at the beginning.

[940] First of all, three people I was in the groundlings with wrote this, Hugh, Rachel, and Larry.

[941] Okay?

[942] That's fun.

[943] And then when you pitched me the idea, which was like, gone girl, but a comedy, I said, that is swinging for the fences.

[944] Like that is going to be one of the hardest needles to thread of laughing yet having story with suspense that drives those things.

[945] Mind you, I'm sure it's what people thought when Edgar Wright wanted to make Sean with the Dead.

[946] Like, well, wait, what's, Sean of the Dead?

[947] How is it going to be a comedy and Gore?

[948] Whatever.

[949] Brilliant.

[950] Well, so I had some reservations.

[951] I'm naturally probably, as you would say, our pattern has been, as I'm a little more protective of you than you are, which is its own thing and its own thing to observe, which is like, you really just pick the things you like, which is impressive.

[952] And you've had some losers from that, and you've had some outrageous winners from that.

[953] And I've not been right at predicting none of them, so it was useless.

[954] But I thought, who, this is a big old swing.

[955] Yeah.

[956] This is a big, big swing.

[957] And so I was a little nervous.

[958] But now I've seen the finished thing.

[959] And it's incredible.

[960] It's, I can't believe they did it.

[961] We also got to give a big shout out to Michael Lehman, the director of it, because he directed all of the, True Blood.

[962] True Blood.

[963] He directed Heather's.

[964] Oh, yeah, originally, yeah.

[965] But, like, and I think some Westworlds, like, he's a really high -end TV director.

[966] Yeah, and the Veronica Mars reboot.

[967] Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

[968] I pulled him in for that, yeah.

[969] Right, so he's just so talented.

[970] And so he made the world so perfect.

[971] And I kept saying to Kristen while we were watching it, like, if this isn't the power of the formula in action, I've never seen it so strong.

[972] This genre is bulletproof.

[973] This genre of a psychological thriller, particularly the ones written by women for women, it is absolutely bulletproof because how we attempted to build suspense while increasing the absurdity and were somehow able to lovingly poke fun at this genre.

[974] Celebrating.

[975] Celebrating it with smiles while keeping people interested in the whodunit of it all.

[976] That's cool.

[977] And the whole time we were shooting it every single actor I was looking at my scene partners and we were both going what are we doing?

[978] Are we terrible?

[979] Is this anything?

[980] Yeah.

[981] What are we even doing here?

[982] Yeah, all your scenes with Tom Riley are so incredible and he might have the hardest job in the show because he has to be scary and set up all this comedy and look like a fucking insane person quite often.

[983] He has to play so many different roles because what the audience might not realize is the formula for this is that you meet a woman who is very sympathetic.

[984] She's going through grief.

[985] She's drinking too much.

[986] You want her to succeed, but she's making bad choices.

[987] Did she see a murder?

[988] She utters the obligatory line, I know what I saw.

[989] And then you're in.

[990] But what you don't realize is all the other characters in the show, you're not actually seeing them.

[991] You're seeing her imaginary version of them.

[992] So at one moment, he moves in across the street.

[993] She wants him to be the husband she's always needed.

[994] And he looks fabulous and he's so studly.

[995] And then when she starts to get scared and thinking he done it in the who done it, he done it, she starts to see his venom.

[996] And so you're viewing all of these other characters in the show through your female protagonist's eyes.

[997] So they are just a rainbow of different people.

[998] Yeah, I'm laughing, laughing, laughing.

[999] But then the end of each episode is super effective cliffhangery formula that I'm like dying to.

[1000] to watch the next one, and then jokes, jokes, jokes, I'm scared, jokes, jokes, fuck, who did do this?

[1001] Like, you're sucked into both things at the same time.

[1002] It's incredible.

[1003] I'm really, really impressed.

[1004] Thank you.

[1005] Say the name of the, of course, I didn't do research on you, but then it occurred to me, I should have at least written the title down because I'll never know the title.

[1006] Why don't you take a crack at it?

[1007] Think of the title sequence that you loved.

[1008] Oh, it's the funniest title sequence I've ever seen, because the title of the show is a paragraph.

[1009] So it's the woman in the window across the street from the girl in the bedroom.

[1010] The woman in the house Across the street From the girl in the window They almost shortened it So when they set up the title sequence It's like they're trying to go through it But it's a paragraph So now in the title sequence They just kind of smash cutting to words But there's too many words So it starts going really fast And they just pop out for this entire title It's just the word from The And it's all nonsense Oh my God The title sequence is an A plus joke It is an A plus joke This was my main concern If you recall I was like Boy, this is tough because you've got to hook people into the reality of the show.

[1011] But also, if you don't let them know that it's a satire, they're going to be like, why is Kristen in this show?

[1012] That's kind of what my fear for you was.

[1013] My protective fear was that.

[1014] And so I kept thinking, like, you guys need to wink a little bit more earlier on.

[1015] That's where the finest tuning happened, which they dialed it perfectly.

[1016] And so never in my mind was I thinking, oh, there might also be a title sequence between that first scene and this and the title sequence itself might.

[1017] tell you it's insane.

[1018] That's why I wanted to keep the title so bad, because there was talk from a lot of business people that were involved of like, oh, well, it doesn't fit in the box, we needed to be easily searchable, all the things that you need to maintain when you're running a platform like Netflix.

[1019] And you have data.

[1020] You know if it's a, uh, uh, wedding crashers, hang over.

[1021] And this was the hill that I died on.

[1022] I called everyone there and I said, I will not stop calling you until you agree to keep this title.

[1023] You have to keep the title because you have to let people know that we're winking.

[1024] If only because, in all the scenes that I was doing, particularly in the scenes with Tom, the dialogue, it was like so on the nose, and for lack of a better description, just kind of not great.

[1025] Terrible.

[1026] Yeah, and you're reading it, and you had to completely relinquish who you were as an actor, because as an actor, I would normally go, huh, hey, can I talk to the writer real quick?

[1027] This is a tiny bit on the nose.

[1028] Is there another way I could say this that might be more interesting?

[1029] And Tom and I had to fight our instincts because you actually have to surrender to the genre.

[1030] You're not in charge as an actor.

[1031] You have to let the genre live.

[1032] Also, actually even more complicated, a new genre.

[1033] A satire thriller.

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] Maybe there's others and I don't know about it.

[1036] So if you made one, I'm sorry.

[1037] We did quite a bit of research trying to figure out what our tone would be.

[1038] We wanted it to be subtle.

[1039] We wanted the jokes to be like, you start to notice that my character has a fat ego about, you know, she's an artist, of course.

[1040] And she's always dressed really well, even though you're like, where did she get her money?

[1041] Because in every single one of these, the undoing, they're always like a preschool teacher and they're wearing Louis Vuitton and you're like, how?

[1042] Well, that's funny.

[1043] And she was a great painter.

[1044] A great painter.

[1045] And then they show the paintings.

[1046] It's so average.

[1047] But everyone who walks by him is like, wow, you did these?

[1048] You got a paint again.

[1049] Because that's her version of them saying it.

[1050] Sort of, but it's also not necessarily, it's the genre of like, wow, she was so talented.

[1051] The Gone Girl protagonist had given up some great careers of journalists, maybe.

[1052] to move to the town.

[1053] God, I love that book, though.

[1054] And we love the author, Live Show Chicago, if you recall.

[1055] Oh, yeah.

[1056] Jillian Flynn.

[1057] And by the way, like, Jillian writes the best of all of them.

[1058] And in the ones in the 80s, we felt like, were Tom made this point the other day of, like, they were a little kitsier.

[1059] Like, you have, like, basic instinct.

[1060] They were a little bit more wink, wink, or stylized.

[1061] They were almost, like, intentionally be movies.

[1062] Yeah, yeah.

[1063] But they've gotten really, really sincere.

[1064] You see, like, the undoing, and you're like, whoa.

[1065] I think that's where Rachel Hugh and Larry were like, hey, maybe we could kind of poke fun at this a little bit.

[1066] Wouldn't that be interesting?

[1067] And I have to assume Rachel must actually love those shows because she seems to be an expert of that genre.

[1068] She's read every single one and watched every single one.

[1069] And so much so that she had so much incredible input, like the bookcase that we never even do an insert of behind my character as she's looking out the window, this half the season, there's all these books lined up.

[1070] And it's like, the woman on the grid, the girl in the floorboards.

[1071] The all the stupidest titles The Lady in the Rafters.

[1072] Yeah, that you could imagine.

[1073] What is the undoing?

[1074] The Nicole Kidman, Hugh Grant one.

[1075] Oh, we didn't know who killed who.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] That was a weird one.

[1078] Because it was not for me, but it was for me. Same, same, same.

[1079] Yeah, those cliffhangers made me want to keep watching.

[1080] But the whole time I was watching, I was like, I don't like this, but then I had to finish.

[1081] I hope people have the same reaction with this show.

[1082] Yeah, yeah.

[1083] I don't like this.

[1084] This is bad, but I've got to.

[1085] I got to get through it.

[1086] It's so fucking good.

[1087] When does it come out?

[1088] It's available on Netflix.

[1089] The woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[1090] Yes.

[1091] Damn.

[1092] That's like, is there an acronym for that?

[1093] Yeah, we have a hashtag and it's incredible because it's all just a jumble of like, it's literally like you smash the keyboard.

[1094] It's very fun.

[1095] Do you know that that's Ricky Glassman's unique skill?

[1096] Do you guys know that about him?

[1097] What?

[1098] He can make acronyms real time.

[1099] Like you could say 20 things.

[1100] And he immediately will give it to you as an acronym.

[1101] It's a real superpower.

[1102] That's very cool.

[1103] Speaking of new shows, everyone's got a new show.

[1104] Ricky's got as we see it, which is great.

[1105] It's a beautiful show.

[1106] I need to watch that too.

[1107] Lots to watch.

[1108] Oh, so yeah, congrats.

[1109] I haven't felt this way, and this is no disrespect.

[1110] You've been so many wonderful things.

[1111] House Eliza was great.

[1112] Of course, good place is great.

[1113] But I haven't been hooked by one of your shows since we're on Mars.

[1114] Where, like, if you recall, you try to do.

[1115] interrupt me on like episode three and I yelled yeah you were like shut up you're talking to weevil like you're having it out with weevil yeah which i thought was so sweet because you watched it just because you thought i got to get through this girl's work we're dating now i got to know what she's done i just told that story like this week and i phrased it exactly the same way i guess i'm going to get through this you know and then you got hooked that made me so happy and i'm hooked like when this is over i'm you know blast through the remaining four so fun you know what's cool too is in some ways it's Yellowstone -esque.

[1116] Yeah, in the drama of it all.

[1117] Yeah, where you're just kind of like, I'm shocked how much I love this genre or whatever it is.

[1118] Well, there's so much fun to be had.

[1119] There's so many stereotypes that all we have to do is show them.

[1120] We don't even have to make fun of them.

[1121] Like one of your favorite runners, you said, was my neighbor Carol is constantly talking about her husband, Scott.

[1122] Scott has a very big meeting tomorrow.

[1123] Please keep it down.

[1124] Scott has important clients coming in.

[1125] You have to be a good.

[1126] Did you get any of our mail?

[1127] Scott is expecting a very important letter.

[1128] Like, she's so into Scott's career.

[1129] And it's the stupidest runner and it means nothing.

[1130] But it really makes you laugh when it happens.

[1131] Oh, wow.

[1132] And it reminds you, oh, yeah, there are people that talk like that.

[1133] Yeah, it's so wonderful.

[1134] That is so fun.

[1135] I'm so excited.

[1136] Oh, that's really, really good.

[1137] What else you got in the Hopper, Love?

[1138] Tighten of industry that you are.

[1139] Oh, wow.

[1140] You've really turned your sword to the producing world, and I don't know that people know that.

[1141] You produced, what, seven or nine shows at this point?

[1142] I produce a few things, yeah.

[1143] Doree me. Doree me on Amazon.

[1144] It's entertainment, but it will give your child a music education.

[1145] It was formed in the wake of music being slashed from public schools, and we thought, why can't we teach music theory in an entertainment show?

[1146] And it's got really catchy songs that Jackie Tone wrote, and we love it.

[1147] And a friend of ours child's already obsessed with it, which is like all you want.

[1148] Oh, yeah, lots of kids.

[1149] Yeah, our daughters sing it all the time, and they don't like anything I'm in.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] Yeah, another show that will be out on Nickelodeon at the end of.

[1152] of 2022 called The Tiny Chef.

[1153] Oh, and he's the cutest little fella.

[1154] If you don't follow him on Instagram, you must, The Tiny Chef.

[1155] How does he talk, Love?

[1156] Can you do him?

[1157] I could never do him.

[1158] And that's saying a lot because I can do a lot of voices.

[1159] Yeah, he is the sweetest.

[1160] The show comes out with Nickelodeon and Imagine.

[1161] We're producing at the end of 2020.

[1162] I'm very excited about that.

[1163] And then you're out pitching something with a lot of our friends, brother.

[1164] Oh, yeah.

[1165] And then Monica and I have a little side hustle of a producing.

[1166] We might try to make something.

[1167] Bigger out of mom -splaining, the little digital show we do.

[1168] And then pitching a show with Ryan Hansen to Universal that's looking very likely.

[1169] And, yeah, lots of behind -the -scenes producing stuff.

[1170] Even developing a show with Jess.

[1171] Developing a show with Jess, yes.

[1172] And developing a show with these guys I love called the Dumb Dads Pod.

[1173] Oh, yes.

[1174] Who are these comedians.

[1175] And they just do a ton of funny TikTok and Instagram videos about the dad world and being a stay -at -home dad.

[1176] and I find them so entertaining.

[1177] Yeah, taking a lot of people and trying to get them a show.

[1178] Yeah, some action.

[1179] Put them in the game.

[1180] Piece of the pie.

[1181] Also, because you just said, I can do most people, which is the truth.

[1182] You're a certified mimic.

[1183] And this, again, ding, ding, ding, Yellowstone.

[1184] One of our favorite characters on Yellowstone, if you watch it, is Grandpa.

[1185] His grandpa, who he's kind of taken Jimmy under his wing.

[1186] He's one of the cowboys that's branded.

[1187] Side note, before you do the impersonation, I guess we're on season three and fucking Grandad takes his top off and we hit the deck This guy's carrying about 190 pounds of lean muscle mass. No, it looked like a still from fight club.

[1188] Who is it?

[1189] He's like, I don't want to offend him, but he's way over 70.

[1190] I don't think he's way over 70, but he's not a spring chicken.

[1191] He plays the older guy.

[1192] The names are sometimes hard for us so we just call him Grandpa.

[1193] And if you put basically like gray hair on Charlie in a big gray, mustache.

[1194] It's exceptional.

[1195] And there was no hint of it prior to this.

[1196] Just all of a sudden, he's in the bunk house in an A -frame.

[1197] They're playing a drinking game and they take their shirts off and we were like, whoa.

[1198] We were freeze -framing and popping pitchers.

[1199] I mean, we immediately are on with Luke Grimes saying you better find out who grandpa's trainer is.

[1200] But anyways, this is how he talks to Jimmy.

[1201] So I'm going to try to make this not a spoiler, but he and Jimmy are going to the rodeo.

[1202] I can say that.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] He always calls him Jimmy.

[1205] And he says, you'll be swing.

[1206] women in buckled bunnies, no time, Jimmy.

[1207] And then they get to the rodeo and this really attractive cowgirl stops and says hi to Jimmy.

[1208] And grandpa says, that's a buckerel bunny, Jimmy.

[1209] Oh, goodness.

[1210] So the entire time we watch Yellowstone, Kristen repeats every one of Granddad's lines.

[1211] And you do it pretty good.

[1212] The sister, too, as I recall.

[1213] People who haven't seen Yellowstone, like me, I can't relate.

[1214] But you can do so many impressions, so maybe you should do a couple others that people will know.

[1215] Okay, well, for the folks that watch the Crown, she does an incredible whoever.

[1216] Margaret Thatcher.

[1217] Oh, yeah.

[1218] Yeah.

[1219] Yeah.

[1220] It's spot on.

[1221] She does, what are I?

[1222] The problem is I don't have the lines in my head.

[1223] I guess your honor, your majesty?

[1224] Yeah, I need to know the words, though.

[1225] I got it.

[1226] I'll find it.

[1227] I'll find it.

[1228] We've plenty of time.

[1229] Yeah, so much.

[1230] I'll be a shorter letter know.

[1231] Oh, man. They might be, yeah.

[1232] But what about like, Drew, that's what I mean.

[1233] Like, I don't know if everyone knows all these people, but to show your real skill level, it needs to be someone that everyone knows.

[1234] Drew Barrymore, which I know you do.

[1235] Well, the problem with her is, as you'll recall, is that if she's a. around the person, she can nail it.

[1236] Like, if they're in her orbit, she can do them spot on.

[1237] But then that's where your memory gets fucked up.

[1238] Because you used to do an incredible Vince Vaughn, which I've only heard Justin do.

[1239] Yeah.

[1240] Do you remember how he talks?

[1241] He'll go like, yeah.

[1242] I mean, that's the only thing you might want.

[1243] Oh.

[1244] Yeah, that's good.

[1245] He has that kind of, um, yeah.

[1246] I mean, that was also going into Owen Wilson a little bit.

[1247] But yeah, he has that, uh, I don't know, why don't we just give everybody a cell phone.

[1248] Yeah.

[1249] Yeah, cell phone.

[1250] Cell phone.

[1251] And then Drew, come on, miracle.

[1252] What was the whale's name?

[1253] What was the whale's name?

[1254] Come on, bam, bam, you can do it.

[1255] So good.

[1256] When she's talking to them.

[1257] Bam bam, bam.

[1258] Come on, bam, bam, bam, you can do it.

[1259] Oh, man, it's solid.

[1260] It's so good.

[1261] You and Justin need to get together and do like a kind of mimic fucking podcast or something.

[1262] SNL missed an opportunity.

[1263] Oh, they shit the fucking bad by not having you on there.

[1264] They did.

[1265] Yeah, they blew it.

[1266] They blew it.

[1267] And now they don't have anybody to do impressions because they missed me. There was somebody else.

[1268] Oh, who did we just watch the viral video?

[1269] Oh, I know.

[1270] This is my favorite.

[1271] Monica, when you showed this to me, I thought.

[1272] Rob showed it to me to also give credit.

[1273] It's the best video to come out of 2021, 100%.

[1274] And it goes a little something like, um, the show, you.

[1275] Well, what's it called?

[1276] You.

[1277] Well, I never did a show on measles.

[1278] We never did a show on measles.

[1279] What's he talking about?

[1280] Stupid.

[1281] You!

[1282] It's called you.

[1283] There's a show on Netflix called Laura Ingram.

[1284] It's so good.

[1285] That's a show on Netflix called Laura Ingram.

[1286] And she just, she does not believe him.

[1287] Let me just say what our household is, is like generally you and I have like nine different things we're stuck on and just all day long you see you're like, back up.

[1288] What's his name?

[1289] Back up.

[1290] Terry, back up.

[1291] That amazing firework video where Terry didn't back up quick enough.

[1292] So anything, something's like a misfire in the kitchen and you got your hands full and shit's dropping.

[1293] Either of us would just be like, Terry, back up.

[1294] Or now it's always, what's you talking about?

[1295] Stupid.

[1296] That is an incredible clip.

[1297] Oh, boy.

[1298] Oh, boy.

[1299] So talented, so pretty, so kind.

[1300] What a gift to America.

[1301] That's right.

[1302] I'm so proud of you.

[1303] I really hope people watch the lady in the dog house watching a kitten have soup on a roller coaster.

[1304] Watching a kid and have soup, yes.

[1305] A woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[1306] Thanks for giving me some air time.

[1307] I appreciate you both.

[1308] And you, Wobby -Wob.

[1309] Well, I love you.

[1310] and I really want everyone to watch the woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[1311] Ooh!

[1312] That's a buckled bunny, Jimmy.

[1313] That's a buckle bunny, Jimmy.

[1314] I love you guys.

[1315] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1316] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1317] You're dressed like a who?

[1318] A teddy bear Yeah, I'm in skims Oh my gosh Kim Kardashian skims Oh she has her own line Oh yeah Skims is a huge Wait she owns skims Yeah Oh I didn't know that I thought you were saying like she had a line No no no Skims Is Kim Kardashian Wow It's a very Good product Speaking of the Kardashians You would be better to answer this.

[1319] Remember in first episode of cheer, they're showing them all be famous.

[1320] Yeah.

[1321] And they go on the Ellen show.

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] Was that a Kardashian?

[1324] A Jenner.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] How tall is she?

[1327] She's a model.

[1328] Oh my goodness.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] Kendall Jenner.

[1331] Okay.

[1332] She's got to be like pushing six feet, I think.

[1333] I mean, cheerleaders are small and Ellen is of average height, I suppose.

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] But she looked really, like I was out there.

[1336] She's a runway model.

[1337] She's very tall and very beautiful.

[1338] Oh, wow.

[1339] Bruce's daughter.

[1340] Bruce and.

[1341] Caitlin and how do we say that?

[1342] Because it was Bruce's daughter.

[1343] I think I would, I'm going to say, oh, fuck, yeah.

[1344] It's Caitlin and what's her name?

[1345] I'm blanking.

[1346] Chris, it's Chris Kardashian and Caitlin Jenner's daughter.

[1347] Right.

[1348] Kendall Jenner.

[1349] You know, the documentary series, we watched.

[1350] The sports documentary series.

[1351] Yes, the one with Malice in the Palace.

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] And they did Jenner.

[1354] Exactly.

[1355] And they did Bruce's whole story.

[1356] Right.

[1357] And Caitlin is telling it.

[1358] But Caitlin is referring to that time as Bruce.

[1359] Right, right, right, right.

[1360] But Caitlin's also just an enigma additionally because she didn't want gay marriage to be legal.

[1361] There's like a lot of paradoxical things or what I would imagine.

[1362] She's a controversial character.

[1363] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1364] It's called untold.

[1365] Untold.

[1366] Such a good show.

[1367] Such a good thing.

[1368] And a ding, ding, ding for an upcoming guest.

[1369] I'm not going to spoil anything, but we have a guest in route that was a part of that series.

[1370] Yes.

[1371] Oh, we were talking about the Kardashians.

[1372] So Chloe is the one I saw on Ellen and she's...

[1373] No, Kendall.

[1374] Oh, oh.

[1375] Kendall Jenner.

[1376] Kendall Jenner.

[1377] So, okay, so there's Kendall Jenner, Kylie Jenner.

[1378] Okay.

[1379] Those are kids of Chris, Chris, Cardassian and Caitlin.

[1380] Okay.

[1381] So those two sisters.

[1382] Then the other three sisters are...

[1383] From Robert Shapiro.

[1384] That's right.

[1385] Robert Kardashian.

[1386] They're from Robert Kardashian and Chris Kardashian.

[1387] Was, okay.

[1388] Okay, so Shapiro was OJ's attorney, but Kardashian was his good friend who hooked him up with...

[1389] That's how he got confused.

[1390] Who was also on his team.

[1391] In the mix there.

[1392] The dream team.

[1393] Yeah.

[1394] Yeah, yeah.

[1395] Well, that's an interesting name for it.

[1396] I think they called it that.

[1397] Really?

[1398] Mm -hmm.

[1399] Oh.

[1400] So.

[1401] Well, first of all, your little bear outfit just made me think of a video that Charlie sent me from Instagram.

[1402] I don't know if you've seen it, but you know my great fantasy is to fight a mountain lion.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] Yeah.

[1405] Think about it all the time.

[1406] And I don't want to fight a bear.

[1407] I don't have any desire to fight a bear.

[1408] I don't think I can win that fight.

[1409] And there's a video of this kind of older man with a beard.

[1410] He's a mountain man. And it's like, at his like mountain house and there's a screened -in porch.

[1411] And he's out there with like his cat or his dog.

[1412] And as his dog walks by the screen door, which is open, a fucking bear comes at it.

[1413] And the guy immediately drops on his knees like a Greco -Roman wrestler.

[1414] I said to Charlie, this guy definitely was like a college wrestler.

[1415] He's old.

[1416] And he gets in his firmest position.

[1417] There's a bucket next to him.

[1418] He swats the bucket at the bear.

[1419] And then he lunges up like a fucking Greco -Roman.

[1420] and shoves this bear.

[1421] They're in it for a minute.

[1422] He wrestles a bear and gets the bear out of the fucking screened in porch and wins.

[1423] And then slides a couch in front of the door opening.

[1424] And this guy, if you just glanced at him and you said, by the way, in five seconds, this guy's going to be fighting a very large bear.

[1425] You're like, that guy's gone.

[1426] And guess what?

[1427] That's the thing about these guys with wrestling skills.

[1428] You just don't know.

[1429] You don't know.

[1430] Or Oscar Day, La Jolla.

[1431] If you were to meet Oscar Day, La Jolla, do you even know who that is?

[1432] I heard the name.

[1433] The boxer.

[1434] He was a tremendous middleweight boxer, I think middleweight.

[1435] Tremendous, tremendous, legendary.

[1436] So cute.

[1437] So cute and kind -looking.

[1438] And he was on an episode of Punked.

[1439] And the whole time I was sitting there looking at him, I think he probably boxed at 145 or something.

[1440] So I am much bigger than him.

[1441] Yeah.

[1442] And he's so sweet -looking.

[1443] And I'm thinking, man, you know, that guy flips you off in traffic and gets out of his car.

[1444] You see him walking to your car.

[1445] You're out in two seconds.

[1446] Look at this little cutie guy.

[1447] coming at you.

[1448] I said to him, and we have boxing gloves, and I'm wearing a boxing ring.

[1449] And I said, you know, don't hurt me, but I would like to experience the combination.

[1450] Oh, wow.

[1451] And he said, okay.

[1452] And Monica, I felt two punches before I saw the first one coming, which was the third.

[1453] Oh, my God.

[1454] You couldn't see the jab.

[1455] The jab was invisible.

[1456] He was so fast.

[1457] That's amazing.

[1458] Oh, it really doesn't matter what size of this person is you, you're getting hit.

[1459] You can't even respond.

[1460] Wow.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] And then he talked.

[1463] told me, you know, which was interesting, was BTS about boxing.

[1464] He said, I said, oh, my God, you're so fast.

[1465] I've never experienced someone move their hands that fast.

[1466] It's like, it's boggling.

[1467] And he said, and you know, it's only at best half of boxing.

[1468] He said, you either have a chin or you don't.

[1469] People are born with a chin or they're not.

[1470] What's that mean?

[1471] You can knock them out.

[1472] Like, you can hit them in the chin all day long.

[1473] That's the button.

[1474] That's generally where when guys get knocked out, they get hit in the jaw, and it shoves their jaw back and it's in your top, whatever, the physiology, that's when people get knocked out.

[1475] It's generally right on the button, which is your chin.

[1476] Got it.

[1477] And the very, one, my favorite fighter, all grown up was, Julio Cesar Chavez, the guy, you couldn't knock out.

[1478] He had fought a hundred fights undefeated.

[1479] And his record was, I don't know that it'll ever get matched.

[1480] He was at one point, like, 99 and 0 or something.

[1481] And it's because you could, there was no knocking him out.

[1482] They took an x -ray of his cranium.

[1483] It was abnormally thick as people could have.

[1484] Wow.

[1485] Yeah.

[1486] Finner or thicker craniums, and that's just half of the thing is, like, half of it's administering punishment, and the other half is taking punishment.

[1487] And if you don't have that second half, it doesn't really matter.

[1488] BTS.

[1489] BTS.

[1490] Okay, so this is kind of an interesting fact check because it's seconds after we have concluded the interview, I had Rob take some facts down for me. This will be interesting.

[1491] Yeah.

[1492] This is your first ever fact check?

[1493] Yeah.

[1494] And under fire, real time.

[1495] Oh, my God.

[1496] It's exciting.

[1497] This is really exciting and novel.

[1498] Okay, first one on here.

[1499] Does Bob the Pool guy look out for Carly or Keith?

[1500] Oh.

[1501] And it seems like he texted Carly to ask.

[1502] And Carly said he would still tell Dax only if Keith or I cheated.

[1503] So he's still very loyal to you.

[1504] And I see he.

[1505] So that's good.

[1506] That's good.

[1507] That's good.

[1508] Okay, Kristen asked how long do you flush a wound out?

[1509] she asked the nurses this.

[1510] It says rinse the wound for at least five minutes to remove dirt, debris, and bacteria.

[1511] Wounds that are large, deeper, bleeding non -stop should be treated by a professional.

[1512] Oh, yes.

[1513] Kristen asks, is it better to air a scab or wrap it?

[1514] To promote an optimal healing environment, keep it covered, says bandaid .com.

[1515] Well, I gave a follow -up, non -biased one.

[1516] Oh, there's more.

[1517] Yeah, just right here that Diet Coke is safe.

[1518] from Diet Coke .com.

[1519] The Cleveland Health website says airing out most wounds isn't beneficial because wounds need moisture to heal.

[1520] Leaving a wound uncovered may dry out new surface cells, which can increase pain or slow the healing process.

[1521] Okay, this is a great question.

[1522] Is it normal to fart after your colonoscopy?

[1523] Oh, you know, I don't know the answer to this.

[1524] Yes.

[1525] You may have a bloated gashes feeling in your abdomen after a colonoscopy passing gas and belching will help.

[1526] Walking or lying down on your left side with your knees flexed, may relieve the discomfort.

[1527] That's what you did?

[1528] For the 90 -second fart when I was a team.

[1529] She encouraged me to do that.

[1530] Oh, she did.

[1531] He's like, pull your knees up, Land.

[1532] Did it smell?

[1533] No. Okay, yeah, it's just sound because it's just air.

[1534] Hilarious sounds because that long, you're going to get almost every octave of a fart, every kind of flappy sound, a high -pitched scream, a thunderous roar, a thunder clap, in a fireworks display, it's the grand finale.

[1535] Wow.

[1536] Yeah.

[1537] Yeah, it's spectacular.

[1538] Honestly, it was fun.

[1539] I mean, the fact that my mom peed her pants on the fucking bed is, that's the cover of the whole thing.

[1540] Laura's pretty famous for peeing her pants.

[1541] In fact, with any luck, because Laura will be at the PDX show.

[1542] Oh, yeah.

[1543] My mom, maybe we can make her pee her pants at the show.

[1544] That would be nice.

[1545] And if she does, we'll call her on stage and point at the pee stain and everyone can laugh and point at my mom.

[1546] Oh, that's a good time.

[1547] Yeah, everyone will love that.

[1548] Especially my mom.

[1549] She loves to have her pee pointed out.

[1550] By a few thousand strangers.

[1551] The woman who got pregnant from stabbing.

[1552] Thank you.

[1553] Yes.

[1554] 15 -year -old girl, African nation of what looks like Lesotho.

[1555] L -E -S -O -T -H -O.

[1556] Okay, yeah, just before she was stabbed in the abdomen, she had practiced Valacia with her new boyfriend and was caught in the act by her former lover.

[1557] The fight with knives ensued.

[1558] a plausible explanation for this pregnancy is that the sperm gained access to the reproductive organs via the injured gastrointestinal tract.

[1559] And she had some disorder where she didn't have a vagina.

[1560] Right.

[1561] So there was more whole.

[1562] Yeah, yeah.

[1563] She did have some kind of congenital thing, I believe.

[1564] Wow, that's just so many factors coming together.

[1565] She probably has a lot of pussy pack.

[1566] I want to know what was going on with her vagina, that it was inoperational yeah do we think it was closed like there was no because she would have had to have a urethra vulva showed no vagina only a shallow skin dimple was present below the external urethral midas between the labia menorah technically known as a blind vagina oh oh my god what if the doctor like so imagine like for her there was this horrendous violence episode she probably comes to in the doctor she's 15 so we don't know how many other vaginas she's seen she she is finding out so much stuff she's like okay so you were stabbed um you're pregnant and you have blind vagina oh she already knew about her blind vagina well that's if she didn't know what a vagina was supposed to be like she only knew her vagina this article says the patient was well aware the fact that she had no vagina oh speaking of blind Blind vaginas.

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] My glasses should be coming in any day now, for my eyes.

[1569] Oh.

[1570] And what did they say when you were in there?

[1571] Like, you have a drastically wrong prescription?

[1572] Moderate.

[1573] Moderate.

[1574] Actually, he was like, yeah, you can wear them, like, whenever.

[1575] You don't have to wear them all the time.

[1576] I think he was basically saying I had mild.

[1577] Moderate to severe psoriasis?

[1578] No. Mild to no issue.

[1579] Oh, my gosh.

[1580] I know.

[1581] Mild to blind.

[1582] Hicca pops.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] Hicapops are disres.

[1585] designed to outsmart the body's hiccup response.

[1586] When certain nerves in your mouth, throat, or abdomen are irritated, your brain sends a signal to your diaphragm that tells it to contract.

[1587] This causes the air to rush toward the back of your throat, making that uncomfortable hicc sound that comes leaping from your mouth.

[1588] The ingredients in hiccopops reset the hiccup, reflex, and return your breathing to normal.

[1589] All this happens in just a few seconds while you enjoy a delicious...

[1590] Is this on the bag of hiccopops?

[1591] He's on their website.

[1592] Delicious what?

[1593] Delicious ingenious lollipop.

[1594] Uh -huh, uh -huh, uh -huh.

[1595] Band -Aid .com.

[1596] Okay.

[1597] I've been reading so much Sedaris lately, and he has this story.

[1598] I don't know if you've ever read it about, like, he has these ice breakers.

[1599] So, like, when he's traveling around domestically, he asks people, like, what their annual rainfall is.

[1600] And then he has one where he says, you know, what sound does chickens...

[1601] Oh, this is when he travels internationally.

[1602] He'll ask what sound a rooster makes.

[1603] And every language has its own interpretation.

[1604] of that sound.

[1605] Annamanapia?

[1606] Like, you're trying to write out the sound of the work.

[1607] Hickup is probably a great one too as an icebreaker.

[1608] Like, I wonder nationally how people have written out that sound.

[1609] Oh, interesting.

[1610] Like in Germany, I wonder what, or how do you say hiccup.

[1611] Okay, that was for my Spanish -speaking audience.

[1612] We can ask Anna how they say.

[1613] Oh, in Spanish.

[1614] How would you say this?

[1615] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1616] Yeah, that's a great idea.

[1617] I'm going to ask her.

[1618] Okay, real -time ask.

[1619] Stay tuned for next week.

[1620] T -T -B -D.

[1621] Okay.

[1622] Oh, my God.

[1623] The acronym for the show.

[1624] This is great.

[1625] Wow.

[1626] T -W -I -T -H -A -T -S -F -T -G -I -T -W.

[1627] Wow.

[1628] The woman in the house at the...

[1629] What is it?

[1630] The woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[1631] The woman in the house across the street from the girl in the window.

[1632] So what's interesting is, you know, when they send screeners, like if we have a guest on and they have a show, they'll send us like, and the show's not out, they'll send us a link, right?

[1633] Or they'll use these different apps.

[1634] Well, Netflix, in Genius, as they always are, it's just, it's on Netflix.

[1635] So like if you have the code, you just get a four digit thing, you search it, you hit play, just ask you for a four.

[1636] So it's already on their server.

[1637] You don't have to go to a separate platform and sign into that whole bullshit.

[1638] So what's great, though, is that when you search it, it brings it up in the full menu.

[1639] So I just type in woman and you get all these women.

[1640] And to see that, title card or the one sheet next to all the others is really laughable it's really really just visually hysterical there's way too many fucking words oh my god that is so funny um look she's not even here now and i'm going to tell you it's fucking outstanding no i believe it i believe it i'm excited to watch it okay who plays grandpa on yellowstone lloyd his name is lloyd yep yep yep and then he's played by fory j smith fory j smith and now rob did you do any subsequent research because i got a hunch he's a real cowboy like when i saw that body i'm like there's no explanation to that body other than that motherfucker's lived hay bales for decades he's a skilled horseman who works as a stunt man there we go stunt man that makes sense i wonder if de Castro knows him and if so i wonder if i can hook up with his trainer because the thing the gains he's making are impossible oh we haven't talked about gains in a while yeah two times gains Forie is such an interesting name And I saw today The most popular baby names of 2021 Oh I thought that was interesting And what were they?

[1641] Top boy name is Arlo Arlo Top girl Okay Speaking of Gaines Perfect 10 Charlie Perfect 10 Erica She's going to hate this And I almost texted it to her And I was like Actually it's going to break her heart I can't.

[1642] Yes, because I happen to know three people that named their son Atlas.

[1643] Like, I had three friends that named their kid Atlas independently.

[1644] And I made the mistake of telling one Nate.

[1645] Yeah.

[1646] Because we're besties.

[1647] Yeah.

[1648] And I could tell like, that was a mistake.

[1649] No one wants to hear that.

[1650] He was upset.

[1651] Well, and I was upset because Lincoln came out, the movie Lincoln came out right after we named Lincoln, Lincoln.

[1652] And I was like, oh, this is going to lead.

[1653] do a rash of people naming their kids, Lincoln.

[1654] You know what, it's okay.

[1655] This didn't used to be an issue.

[1656] Now everyone wants a unique name.

[1657] They don't want anyone else to have their name.

[1658] No one had that before.

[1659] It used to be you threw the Bible up in the air wherever it landed.

[1660] You found a name on one of the pages that was exposed and that was your child's name.

[1661] Joseph, Peter, Mary, you know, the whole gang.

[1662] Yeah, just those, those three.

[1663] We did look at the list when we were naming to a boy.

[1664] Yeah.

[1665] Oh, wait.

[1666] Is there a name?

[1667] We have a name, but we haven't told anyone.

[1668] Tell us.

[1669] I don't like secrets.

[1670] I don't think Natalie left.

[1671] All right, fine.

[1672] Okay, but anyway.

[1673] Rob is smart.

[1674] All to say, Erica really, if they are to have another child and if it is to be a girl, she has a name that she is dying for.

[1675] She wants it really, really bad.

[1676] And it's the number one name on the girl list.

[1677] Mave.

[1678] It's a great name.

[1679] Is it a shortening of Mavis, the Powerball winner, who I hear from all the time on Instagram.

[1680] So Mave is the Powerball winner Has gotten so popular that people And they learned her nickname was Mave Yeah And Maven too, right?

[1681] That's a thing Yeah, but this is just Mave M -A -E -V -E.

[1682] M -A -E -V -E.

[1683] I can't throw any stones I live in a glass fucking house That's the thing.

[1684] I think it's a beautiful name.

[1685] Oh, no, I like the name.

[1686] I mean the propulsion to have an original name for your kid which I do wonder if that's an American thing, oh my God, I'm so glad we're on this topic because I've been wanting to air this grievance forever.

[1687] When I took German in ninth grade, they gave us our German names.

[1688] Oh.

[1689] I can't tell you how many fights I was in about this.

[1690] My German name was Axel.

[1691] That's great.

[1692] My name is Dax in Germany.

[1693] It doesn't matter if I, there's no such thing as I have a different fucking name in another language.

[1694] That's insane.

[1695] I still call Total Wolf.

[1696] He's American.

[1697] His name's Total Wolf.

[1698] He's American.

[1699] His name's total.

[1700] wolf he doesn't come to american and speak english and change it to tom you know but this is kind of like the hiccup thing onomatopoeia maybe maybe they read that and they pronounce that they get rid of the consonant maybe no no no no no she just made she took popular german names and assigned them to us indiscriminately or at least because mine had an x she at least put the effort in to pair up an x but i literally had battles with fellow classmates that they're like no that's your name in german i'm like no it's not.

[1701] Oh, I see.

[1702] My German friend would introduce me as Daxx, not Axel.

[1703] That's right.

[1704] Germany is Deutsche in German.

[1705] Germany.

[1706] Wait, am I just, I might be just fucking up my point.

[1707] You ruined your point.

[1708] Shit, I was coming so far.

[1709] Yeah, it's a different word.

[1710] Yeah, but that makes more sense because that's what the English labeled it on a map versus what the Germans called themselves.

[1711] That kind of makes sense.

[1712] Okay, and so your name is Axel in Germany.

[1713] I don't think it is.

[1714] Wow, you, you, you, Wowie, wow.

[1715] Hoisted by my own fatard.

[1716] Your own fart tard.

[1717] Oh, my God.

[1718] That's it.

[1719] Thank you, Rob, for taking those facts.

[1720] You're welcome.

[1721] They were great.

[1722] My favorite one was to promote an optimal healing environment.

[1723] Keep it covered, says Band -Aid.

[1724] With a Band -Aid brand Band -Aid.

[1725] Love you.

[1726] Love you.

[1727] Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[1728] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[1729] Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.