Chelsea Peretti

[0] My name is Chelsea Peretti.

[1] I feel excited about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] I'm not buying it.

[3] I'm totally, there was, it was the delivery.

[4] The delivery was way over the top.

[5] Should I do another take?

[6] Nope, we're going to go with that one.

[7] Okay.

[8] All right.

[9] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello, it's Conan O 'Brien needs a friend I'm Conan O 'Brien.

[10] Usually I say welcome to, but today I just said It's Conan O 'Brien, is that okay?

[11] Well, it's true, it is Conan O 'Brien.

[12] Yeah, it's like saying it's Dragnet or Why would I use such an old reference?

[13] We're going to get so many letters.

[14] No, I'm going to use a new reference, you know, because that was too old.

[15] It's saved by the bell.

[16] What are you getting closer?

[17] Let's bring us in the late 80s.

[18] Who did that?

[19] I'm trying slowly to try it.

[20] What's that?

[21] Well, who did that?

[22] What are you talking about?

[23] It's saved by the bell.

[24] Who said that?

[25] No one did.

[26] Yeah.

[27] No one's going to notice you said something different.

[28] Okay.

[29] So now I made a big thing of it.

[30] You shouldn't have done that.

[31] I said it's Conan O 'Brien needs a friend and that felt a little strange to me. And then I started commenting on it.

[32] Yeah.

[33] I want to do the thing where we take it again and I tell you that I'm going to edit that first part out, but leave it in.

[34] So you're definitely going to edit this out, right?

[35] Absolutely, boss.

[36] You know I wouldn't lie to you.

[37] How often have you done that seriously?

[38] I think every time.

[39] So you've never, anytime I've stumbled or fumbled and said you'll take it out and you say, yeah, don't worry, boss, you leave it in?

[40] Unless it, yeah, if it's to comedic effect, I absolutely leave it in.

[41] But unless it's like a sensitive thing.

[42] So you lie to me?

[43] Yeah.

[44] Yeah.

[45] I'm okay with that, actually.

[46] Yeah.

[47] Yeah.

[48] And you know, you're going to clean it up and people are going to think we're.

[49] And it's not like I rush around listening to the podcast.

[50] No, you don't.

[51] So you can get away with murder.

[52] I don't think you even know how to find it, right?

[53] I have tried every dial on the radio.

[54] I saw you at Amoeba Records the other day looking for the podcast in a rack.

[55] Yeah, but you know what's weird?

[56] There is now a vinyl of the podcast that came out.

[57] And I realize my radio joke doesn't work either because we're on Sirius XM 104.

[58] So all of my quips.

[59] don't work.

[60] Full circle.

[61] Because we're everywhere.

[62] We're on vinyl.

[63] We're on the radio.

[64] You know what else has happened, too, is that, you know, when you ask a parent, have you checked out the podcast and they go, where do I watch it?

[65] Yeah.

[66] You know, that now is true because the podcast is on YouTube.

[67] So most people are watching it and now the parents are right.

[68] This is horrible.

[69] This is great.

[70] How are you doing all right?

[71] I'm doing really well.

[72] Sona left and made a very large sandwich while we were talking.

[73] When do you guys go down this, like these kinds of avenues, I'm just like, Let them just go.

[74] Let them just keep talking.

[75] That's why I'm constantly saying to Matt before we start, I'm going to stop for a second and think about a good thing to talk about.

[76] And you always say, just go, just go, just go, just go.

[77] This isn't, this isn't good.

[78] This isn't good.

[79] No one's going to say, oh, man, what a, that was a sweet treat they just served up.

[80] This is a dog's breakfast.

[81] It's a mess.

[82] People don't want good podcasting.

[83] They want real podcasting.

[84] Okay.

[85] Is that true?

[86] I don't know.

[87] I made that.

[88] I know.

[89] I don't know.

[90] That's like saying, I'm glad you're not a car manufacturer.

[91] I'd have to recall this podcast over and over again.

[92] Exactly.

[93] What is this car?

[94] Hey, hey, I just was driving the car and the wheels fell off and it crashed and a bunch of people in the car were killed.

[95] I feel terrible and I'm badly injured myself.

[96] Yeah, this car was just, we improvised.

[97] We just threw it together and that's real, man. I would say since I've been doing podcasting since 2006, I should be trusted.

[98] But the sad truth is I should be put out to passion.

[99] Sure.

[100] Right, because you're now, 2006, that makes you, you were in on the very first podcast where you talked about the moon landing and stuff.

[101] Right?

[102] That's the very, the very early podcasts.

[103] Yes and gentlemen, President Eisenhower has died.

[104] That's the kind of podcasting you did at the beginning.

[105] That's right.

[106] Incredible.

[107] Yeah.

[108] When they were on pods.

[109] That's right.

[110] iPods.

[111] Yeah.

[112] Which is why they're called podcasts.

[113] I never thought about that.

[114] Are you serious?

[115] I didn't.

[116] It's, yeah, it's a pun on broadcast.

[117] But.

[118] podcast.

[119] Yeah.

[120] And now the iPod's been gone for what?

[121] A decade?

[122] How long's it been gone for?

[123] 15 years?

[124] Mine was stolen.

[125] Really?

[126] From my car.

[127] Yeah.

[128] That was me. Oh, come on.

[129] I thought it was funny.

[130] I smashed your window and I took your iPod and threw it away.

[131] That's a prank.

[132] Isn't that a prank?

[133] Or is it just a crime?

[134] That's a crime.

[135] Okay.

[136] I get confused what they are a lot.

[137] I pulled a prank on an old woman last night.

[138] I knocked her down and I took her purse.

[139] No. Yeah.

[140] Do you about those pranksters that robbed the bank the other day?

[141] That was me. What?

[142] Yeah, it was with my friends.

[143] It was just my friends.

[144] It was just Just a prank.

[145] You were wearing a nun mask.

[146] But you never go back and say it was a prank.

[147] You just keep what you steal?

[148] Yeah.

[149] Okay, cool.

[150] I call it a lucrative prank.

[151] That's my defense.

[152] It's a prank.

[153] You know the way people are always doing that.

[154] They're going around.

[155] They have like some YouTube channel they're trying to start and they'll go around and prank people.

[156] And I just think, yeah, often you look at them and go, I think that's a kind of a crime.

[157] Yeah.

[158] That's a fine line.

[159] There really is.

[160] Some of them, because they have to do whatever they can.

[161] And now some of them are like, they're getting desperate.

[162] They're stealing stuff.

[163] Yeah.

[164] You know?

[165] Yeah.

[166] But they're not pranks.

[167] I think they're just like, I can do this.

[168] So I'll do it.

[169] I think this started out as a prank.

[170] This podcast.

[171] And then, you know, it grew into whatever it is now.

[172] It may still be a prank.

[173] I don't know.

[174] Well, the big prank is we've told you this thing goes out and it never does.

[175] No one's listening to this.

[176] Oh my God.

[177] We come every day.

[178] So you.

[179] hire people to drive by in cars and shout out the window, which just happened in Dublin, there was talk of gerbils.

[180] That happened to, I mean, sorry, that was in Dublin.

[181] I was walking along the Liffie River.

[182] And people are shouting stuff out from the podcast.

[183] And I think, wow, Gourley is just paying people out of my own pocket.

[184] Yeah.

[185] Infestation.

[186] Well, that's ridiculous.

[187] What?

[188] I don't know that people yell that in like foreign countries.

[189] If they're like, there was talk of gerbils.

[190] Why do you make, you make people do that?

[191] And you said, do that to me. First, it was catechai's God made her.

[192] Now there was talk of gerbils.

[193] Pretty soon we should move on to a new one.

[194] I like there was talk of gerbils so much, so I don't want to stay with it for a bit.

[195] And it's still one of my favorite fan encounters is when someone came up to me and I don't know where they were.

[196] And they had an ex and I can't remember which country they were from.

[197] And they said, there were rumors of hamsters.

[198] Like they put it to Google translate.

[199] There were rumors.

[200] And he said it like, oh, I've got it.

[201] There's Conan.

[202] There were rumors of hamsters.

[203] And I said, dude, you are so close.

[204] I'm going to give it to you, but it's talk of gerbils.

[205] And you saw his whole face fall.

[206] Cat a guy as Zeus fashioned her.

[207] It's catacit.

[208] As corncob released her.

[209] Kid cat.

[210] You should have just let him have it.

[211] I should have, but I'm a stickler.

[212] I'm a stickler.

[213] I'm like, yeah, one of those uptight deans in one of those movies.

[214] You are.

[215] You are.

[216] You are that guy.

[217] in like animal house animal house i mean i was thinking c u yeah oh or old school you're you're that guy in old i was i'm obsessed with those characters and uh one of the simpsons episodes i wrote it was an obsession of mine that homers has to go to college and his only uh his only knowledge of college is from those movies so he's convinced that he's like we got to take the starch out of this dean's shirt he's obsessed with that and he shows up and i just wanted the dean to be the dean is the nicest He's a young guy who's like, hey, man, I used to, you know, play bass with the pretenders if you want to jam.

[218] He couldn't be nicer.

[219] And Homer's like, we're going to get him and get him good.

[220] That was my obsession.

[221] That's great.

[222] Yeah, well, a long time ago.

[223] Long, long time ago.

[224] Well, should we do it?

[225] Should we get into the old Shizzo?

[226] The old Shizzo?

[227] I sure I haven't been drinking yet.

[228] What if we're laughing now and two years from now I'm in a catatonic state?

[229] Come on.

[230] And they're going through all of these hints with Gorley and they're saying you didn't know that his cerebellum was just wanted to hasten it.

[231] This is all going to be played back for you one day by a neurologist and both of you are going to be in the Hague as war criminals.

[232] You could have saved him.

[233] When he said it's time for the Shazzo, you didn't know that he was bleeding into his cortex?

[234] You just laughed.

[235] All right.

[236] My guest today is a hilarious comedian whose podcast, Call Chelsea Peretti releases new episodes every Thursday.

[237] Chelsea Peretti, welcome.

[238] I'm thrilled to have you here.

[239] I really am.

[240] Actually, I am really genuinely happy to be here.

[241] I am.

[242] I swear, there's no way to sell it, but I am.

[243] I first of all, I want to thank you for your stunning portrayal of my assistant Sona.

[244] in your character is Gina Linetti on Brooklyn 9 -9 because I will say something you played this iconic character and it's one of your thousand accomplishments but you play this character who is a terrible assistant and I swear to God I always thought like this character is so much like Sona who's been my assistant forever and then gorgeous oh thank you yeah but then there's an episode where Gina gets an assistant So Gina doesn't do anything.

[245] And then she has an assistant who's basically just writing down her insults, you know.

[246] And Sona got an assistant who works for me. And by the way, as a massive fan of yours and Brooklyn 9 -9 -10.

[247] Can she also?

[248] He, he.

[249] Oh, can he co -assist and also split assist me?

[250] Yes.

[251] Yes, he can.

[252] My current assistant lives in Joshua Tree and he's building like a hobo camp with yurts.

[253] What?

[254] I'm kind of, I'm kind of indicted.

[255] need let's get the word out he like remote assists me and he's not good with like dates and times that's me too that's how i took it got so bad and the fans got to know sona and they got to know that our relationship so we did a remote once where i brought in a um was it it was an hr was an hr rep from tbs an actual hr rep from tbs an actual hr rep who's a real person and she was kind of just talking to both of us and she said to sona what do you think your issue is and she said I have a real mental block about helping Conan.

[256] And I said, you're my fucking assistant.

[257] But I loved when, because David Hopping's the guy who took over for you.

[258] And when that episode came out, David and I were talking about this because it's just hilarious that you got an assistant.

[259] And you refuse to help me. That's true.

[260] It's the long con. It's very, very clever.

[261] Yeah.

[262] Thank you.

[263] Anyway, it's a very incredible portrayal of something that really happened in my life.

[264] I love that.

[265] yeah well goodbye that's all we needed thank you for having me oh my goodness thank you for being here we have a lot to talk about because I am in addition to somewhat being in comedy I'm also a lover of comedy and you have been your I was looking at all the points of intersection that you've worked in in comedy and it's crazy how many different shows you've been involved in how many different like whether it's stand up or whether you've worked for a bit a brief stint on SNL working with people like Sarah Silverman, like you've kind of been everywhere and done a lot of amazing stuff.

[266] And yet, what happened with me?

[267] You know?

[268] You're here.

[269] This podcast is the sign that you've...

[270] Your point still stands.

[271] The point still stands that your career is in terrible trouble.

[272] Yeah, it's in tatters.

[273] I need this more than you know.

[274] Yeah, I mean, I love comedy.

[275] I always, I think it's like my religion.

[276] I envy people who have a religion.

[277] space in a way, although lately not as much.

[278] But anyway, I just, comedy is everything to me. So was it always like when you were a kid?

[279] I think so.

[280] I mean, it kind of shifted in junior high because I was always like weird in elementary school.

[281] How weird because I'm usually I can beat people that say they were weird when they were a kid.

[282] Well, I didn't self identify as weird.

[283] Let's say that first.

[284] I was listed on on like if you went to the supermarket, if someone passes a bad check, it would just say like weird kid.

[285] There was a photo of me. I was identified, not self -identified, identified by everyone as weird kids.

[286] That's how I was identified by others that way.

[287] And I didn't, and I, for example, I wrote a play called Gertrude's Revenge.

[288] And the subtitle was all popular kids beware.

[289] Like, never, never a more heartbreaking play to be written by your child in elementary school.

[290] And yet no intervention of any kind.

[291] Also, any child in the modern era who's named Gertrude would be justified in seeking revenge.

[292] Why would I choose that name for my protagonist?

[293] Enid evens the score.

[294] Like, I chose a weird name.

[295] It was in my blood.

[296] So, yeah, I don't know.

[297] I just felt very uncomfortable in elementary school.

[298] Then junior high, I flipped weird to funny.

[299] And so that was when I started to feel really funny.

[300] What was your appearance like?

[301] How did you dress?

[302] Horrific.

[303] Ugliest I've ever been.

[304] Junior high, I had a perm but straight bangs and braces.

[305] Wait, wait, wait.

[306] How do you pull that off?

[307] Do you go to two different salas?

[308] I did that too.

[309] Bangs grow fast and I would curl them in one like hard, shiny curl like forward.

[310] And then my nose would be like protruding out.

[311] I was so skinny that I had no face to bounce.

[312] anything, it just looked like a piece of paper, you know, under a sheath of bings.

[313] And, you know, my knees were bigger than my legs.

[314] Like, it was just bad.

[315] Seventh grade was the all -time low.

[316] Eighth grade, it got a little better.

[317] But yeah.

[318] And what are you wearing?

[319] What kind of things are you wearing?

[320] Okay.

[321] This was the era of, you know, Gap clothes, big huge plaid, Gap shirts, big jeans.

[322] I mean, kids in my school were wearing Oakland Raiders jackets, starter jackets.

[323] And it You're familiar with Elise, Conan?

[324] I'm not familiar with Elise.

[325] And I say that proudly.

[326] What is Elise?

[327] It's a shoe brand that was popular in Oakland in that era.

[328] And Nike Cortez, I'm sure you had a pair.

[329] Oh, sure.

[330] I'm wearing them now.

[331] But not on my feet.

[332] Don't ask any questions.

[333] Where's that HR lady?

[334] Bring her in.

[335] Hey, that's a very vague joke.

[336] No, I just love HR people.

[337] They're fun to talk to.

[338] They really are.

[339] They're a good time.

[340] They really are fun to talk to.

[341] I love it when they come and speak to me for things I've done.

[342] Yeah.

[343] It helps everyone feel at ease.

[344] We've talked, Conan.

[345] Why?

[346] Yeah.

[347] Well, I used to pretend to be the HR person.

[348] Oh, I hated your HR person.

[349] Because what was it?

[350] Because you would just do this with your hands.

[351] You'd be like, shut up.

[352] Go have a baby.

[353] I just, wait a minute.

[354] I would not say that.

[355] Oh, my God.

[356] Who are you?

[357] I would put fake.

[358] She would say, Why is there no HR here?

[359] And I'll say, I'll go get him.

[360] And I would leave and I would come back.

[361] And I would, I'd be like, what's going on?

[362] Just suck it up.

[363] Yes.

[364] Just suck it up.

[365] And she'd be like, that's you making glasses with your fingers.

[366] That is not HR.

[367] H .R. H .R. suck.

[368] Admit that your crimes were greater than mine.

[369] No. All right.

[370] You're fired.

[371] Okay.

[372] So you were very interested in comedy.

[373] But did you, when I was a youngster, I never thought, there's no way like this can be a living.

[374] I didn't think it was a way to, is that something you thought?

[375] I mean, unfortunately, I, like, wanted to be rich and famous when I was young.

[376] So I think I did have, I thought it would be easier.

[377] But I don't know.

[378] I guess it is weird to want that and then achieve that.

[379] That's pretty, pretty weird odds.

[380] The best part about being famous is people at the checkout line stopping you and saying to someone else at the checkout line who's working another register, Hey, you know this guy?

[381] That's just you know who it is?

[382] And the other guy's like, no. Come on, think.

[383] I don't know.

[384] Wreck your brain.

[385] Remember?

[386] It's the weird kid from the bullet to board.

[387] Yeah, exactly.

[388] But they would have, I've had that.

[389] That's my least favorite thing would be someone going, hey, you know this guy?

[390] You don't think it's worse when they go up to you and go, what are you from something?

[391] You probably don't experience that.

[392] I don't experience it as much because.

[393] I'm, no one else looks like me. I don't know.

[394] People have either.

[395] I'm racking my brain to think of someone who looks like you so I can say it.

[396] It's like, I've said this before, but it is like if Big Bird from Sesame Street was walking through a supermarket and someone said, I know you from somewhere.

[397] You know, like you either know Big Bird or you don't.

[398] So.

[399] Yeah.

[400] I hate the charade of having to like supply my resume.

[401] Your resume.

[402] Yes.

[403] That's stressful.

[404] But what I love is going to restaurants and having an easy time going to restaurants.

[405] Okay.

[406] I have a friend who is enraged that she won't be able to get into a restaurant, so she'll call me. Yeah.

[407] And I'll say, well, I'll go with you.

[408] And I go with her and we get in.

[409] And she's sitting there enjoying this really nice meal being like, this is not right.

[410] This isn't fair.

[411] And I'm like, hey, then.

[412] Amy.

[413] We don't say her last name.

[414] But yeah.

[415] She'll go to the.

[416] trouble of making me take her, but then be enraged.

[417] This is wrong.

[418] Could I have more bernet sauce, please?

[419] Thank you.

[420] Not wrong enough.

[421] That's, I thought you were going to say that once you walk her in, you leave and then she eats alone.

[422] I wonder if that move works.

[423] You could start a side business.

[424] That would be a great business.

[425] The restaurant's like, we're going to have to take that table back.

[426] Oh, no. Do you think that would work?

[427] No. You walk in and you sit with them for a second, and then you say, I have to go.

[428] I have diarrhea.

[429] Yeah, exactly.

[430] No one ever questions diarrhea because no one wants to get into it.

[431] Yeah.

[432] And then they can't take that table back.

[433] And then they find out that I've been doing that at restaurants all over town.

[434] And also, I like the idea that I'm not like Leonardo DiCaprio, you know.

[435] So there'd be plenty of restaurants where I wouldn't get in.

[436] Hold for laugh.

[437] But anyway.

[438] Sorry, got to go.

[439] Let me guess, sir, diarrhea.

[440] That's right.

[441] Yeah, that would wear out fast.

[442] The words.

[443] the words all over town.

[444] Diary O 'Brien.

[445] That's me. So would you say, because I know that you stand up, you did stand up for years, who is your influence?

[446] Who is the person that we were watching when you were young that made you, you were like, that's who I want to be?

[447] I mean, honestly, it wasn't so much stand -ups.

[448] Like, I loved Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy.

[449] Like, I would watch his VHS of, you know, Best of Eddie Murphy, Saturday Night Live.

[450] and Steve Martin.

[451] And, you know, I do remember watching Eddie Murphy Raw with my grandmother for some reason.

[452] But it was at her insistence.

[453] Yeah.

[454] We're going to watch it again.

[455] I'm like, no, yeah, she influenced me. I remember Adele Givens on Deaf Comedy Jam.

[456] Dev Comedy Jam I used to watch a lot of.

[457] But, yeah, I wasn't like a crazed stand -up fan like a lot of stand -ups.

[458] You and I were at a social function.

[459] There were a lot of stand -ups there, and everyone was going on listing the stand -ups at influenced them.

[460] And I remember, I can't remember what you said, but I just, we were going around the room and I was thinking, it wasn't, for me, me, it wasn't standups that, that excited me the most.

[461] It was sketch players and comedic actors that made me really excited about comedy.

[462] Yeah.

[463] I mean, listen, lately I've really been, I don't do stand up as much.

[464] And what I really think about it is, there's almost no one I want to hear talk for an hour straight.

[465] You know what I mean?

[466] Like, I think it's a flawed art form.

[467] Okay, this podcast is 55 minutes.

[468] So we just get you in out of the wire.

[469] We're both talking.

[470] There's an interplay.

[471] You know, it's like someone standing on stage and talking.

[472] It's just, it's.

[473] I always want there to be another reality to come in.

[474] So I was so happy doing late night because I could be talking and a man could interrupt me from the audience who's dressed in a beekeeper's outfit and a whole other reality could come out.

[475] That's the world I always wanted to live in.

[476] I wanted to start doing something or talking as a normal person.

[477] But then I wanted to be stopped by.

[478] either a bear wearing a diaper or a guy pretending to be a gold miner, you know, and then I wanted maybe some tape to be involved that took us to a different reality.

[479] That was the world that I was always happy with.

[480] Yeah, I like that interplay and the whole comedy game and the playfulness of those kinds of moments.

[481] And so, yeah, I think for me, stand -up, it was one of these things where I kind of love, hated it, and I kind of just kept doing it.

[482] And I was kind of good at it.

[483] But I never, like, you know, what I realized, like, I would get off stage and I don't.

[484] feel good.

[485] But most comedians, I know, get offstage and feel incredible about themselves.

[486] You know, they're like on a high.

[487] Whereas I'm like the one person who didn't laugh, the joke I forgot, whatever it is.

[488] I feel like I'm fixating on, you know.

[489] What didn't happen.

[490] Yeah.

[491] Or comparing it to my best show I've ever had and it doesn't live up or, you know.

[492] Yeah.

[493] I have found at times when there were times when it wasn't clicking and I would almost in a masochistic way, the way you like pick at a gab or a wound, I would, I'd be like, oh man, they're not, they're not with me. I'm going to enjoy this.

[494] I'm going to enjoy this silence right now.

[495] I didn't, I found it usually wasn't the way to go, but there were times, times when it felt like it saved my sanity anyway.

[496] Yeah, it's, I think that that's what people loved about you because I feel like, then it feels like we're on your team.

[497] Right.

[498] We're relating to like, yeah, in acting, comedy acting, I like to be the person And it's like, this is crazy.

[499] You're all crazy.

[500] You know, and I feel like, I feel like you are doing that a lot as well.

[501] Like surrounding yourself by insanity that you clearly approved.

[502] I was there at rehearsal.

[503] My favorite thing that was to act like, what is happening?

[504] Yeah, like, balping at it.

[505] Yeah.

[506] No, this is wrong.

[507] And it's like, no, no, no. I was at rehearsal.

[508] I was there the night before.

[509] I'm part of all of this, but I love pretending.

[510] Yeah.

[511] Whereas actually, a lot of the madness here is, is, I mean, there is no. script with this, but there are many times where I'm quite upset with both of you.

[512] Yeah.

[513] Yeah, most of the time.

[514] Yeah, that seems to be the secret formula.

[515] Yeah.

[516] It's just raging.

[517] I was curious because you and I have a similar experience, which is you, did you temp for a while?

[518] I did, yes.

[519] I tempt also in the leaner times of my career.

[520] I was a temp.

[521] Yeah.

[522] When I was either a student or when I was working a serious job, I wasn't at all funny.

[523] I was just did what people needed me to do and kept my mouth shut to the point where later on when teachers found out that I was having success in comedy they were stunned.

[524] And I remember it as a temp just doing the work and then I was in between writing jobs with my partner Greg Daniels, who you know.

[525] Who I love, yeah.

[526] Let's just say you know him.

[527] I love the guy.

[528] You know why?

[529] Lemon cakes, Christmas lemon cakes, I did get those for a span of years.

[530] I've never gotten one from Greg.

[531] Really?

[532] No. I don't think he sends him anymore or I'm not on the list anymore, but they're delicious.

[533] Greg, he did one of the funniest things, which is that he showed up at one of my Christmas parties about seven years ago with this giant tower wrapped in plastic of like fruit and nuts.

[534] And it's all very exotic.

[535] And I look at it and it says to Greg from the sound editing team at, you know, H and B. and Greg had crudely crossed it out and wrote love Greg making no attempt to hide the re -gift and I loved that more than any real gift.

[536] It was so funny that he could have gotten me. Yeah, that's pretty good.

[537] One time I was at Aspen Comedy Festival and I received a large fruit basket and I was like, oh my God, the festival sent me this fruit basket and all my friends were like, what?

[538] We didn't get one.

[539] And everyone was like, jealous and upset.

[540] And then my mom was like, did you get the fruit basket?

[541] And I realized it was from my mom.

[542] And it was another crushing blow in a series of crushing blow.

[543] Shouldn't it have been nicer that it was from your mom?

[544] No. I thought it was like, hey, best of the fest.

[545] Here you go.

[546] Pineapple.

[547] A phone call.

[548] There's a phone call here.

[549] Someone's saying they love you very much.

[550] Is it the industry?

[551] No, it's your mother.

[552] Then fuck it.

[553] Send it to the voicemail.

[554] I love you and I'll always cherish you.

[555] Is it Warner Brothers?

[556] No. It's your mother and father.

[557] Fuck!

[558] What's wrong with us?

[559] That's terrible.

[560] I know.

[561] It's really broken.

[562] It's very broken.

[563] In the heyday of the Aspen Comedy Festival, I don't know who was running this thing, but they just threw money at it.

[564] Yeah.

[565] And I'd be in New York and they'd say, hey, Conan, do you want to come out interview Steve Martin and all of your comedy heroes and I'd be like yeah and they'd say great and then they'd fly me out there and they'd say here's a you know here's a parka that says Aspen Comedy Festival diamond encrusted skis and I'd say are these blood diamonds and they'd go like maybe and no it's just you just were like what is who's paying for all this and then I guess some someone took over the festival and looked at the books and said, this is insane.

[566] The books were cooked.

[567] The books were, I don't know what was happening there.

[568] This is actual cocaine on these mountains.

[569] Yeah, exactly.

[570] This actual cocaine on the mountain and there was a whole slope where you could just ski on Rolexes and I was like, this just feels wrong.

[571] But okay, I guess I'll go.

[572] Yeah, all the affluence of yesteryear.

[573] Like every writer's room I was in there like, we used to eat steaks every day, you know?

[574] And like, then it would be like, like even at Brooklyn they would cross out a certain dollar amount entree like you could only order under.

[575] No, it's funny.

[576] I come to NBC in 1993 to do the late -night show and my introduction is to go to an up front, which is where all the advertisers get together.

[577] Love up fronts.

[578] Oh my God.

[579] So chill.

[580] I know what I didn't know.

[581] Love up front.

[582] No, but I go to an upfront because they say, oh, is this new kid, Gunn -Lebrian, you know, it's, you'll see.

[583] It's going to be something, you'll see.

[584] And I, which was a terrible slogan, by the way.

[585] That's the best they're out.

[586] You'll see.

[587] He'll be something, I suppose.

[588] I don't know why Norm McDonald is saying it.

[589] But I show up and huge ice sculptures of peacocks.

[590] And then, you know, you've got to think about it was friends.

[591] It was cheers.

[592] It was.

[593] And so giant fountains that, you know, I've heard it.

[594] I'd heard of liquid chocolate fountains, but just craziness.

[595] It looked.

[596] It was madness.

[597] And then I'll never forget when I, one of the last up front I went to, it was a tent.

[598] that was leaking because it was raining and it was a cash bar and that was over I want to say that was like a 15 year period but that was just how things changed and now I know now it would be like an individual camping tent and everyone gets to go inside I don't know it was uh yeah it wasn't there was a crazy time there where there were three or four networks and they would do things like I I missed this phase but they would tell me oh two years ago it was a cruise and all the advertisers were taken on a cruise and massive stars mingled with them and everybody was eating, you know, squab.

[599] I don't even know what squab is.

[600] That's delicious.

[601] Yeah, but it sounded like madness and it is very, very different times.

[602] Yeah, it's like Robin Leach set up a promise, you know, in my youth.

[603] Remember run away with the rich and famous?

[604] And like, I watch that.

[605] I'm like, wow, like this is going to be me someday.

[606] And then now it's like, eat the rich.

[607] I'm like, ugh, wrong timeline, you know?

[608] Where is Robin Leach?

[609] I'm sure he's passed on to his reward.

[610] He's got to be buried in the best place in heaven.

[611] A golden casket.

[612] I don't know where he is.

[613] He's definitely.

[614] He died.

[615] Yeah, 2004.

[616] Oh, recently.

[617] Recently.

[618] Wow.

[619] Well, anyway, I had the same thing where there's, yeah.

[620] You know, I thought Dog the Bounty Hunter died, and I used to do a joke about it where I go, Dog the Bounty Hunter died.

[621] Yeah, I know, that one hurts or this one hurts or something.

[622] And then someone just told me he's alive and that was fake.

[623] It was him at a show.

[624] He stood up.

[625] Excuse me. It was fake.

[626] Can you look up another death?

[627] Is this your death research?

[628] Yeah, yeah.

[629] Eduardo.

[630] Hey, Eduardo, am I still alive?

[631] This is death tiles of the rich and fairs.

[632] let's just spend the remainder of our time looking up celebrity deaths dog is with two G no he's still alive yeah he's still alive it's not like the hog D -A -G -U -E you know we should do we should turn this whole podcast into who's alive his wife died oh maybe that's what it was yeah yeah try not to be all smiling when you say that Edward Eduardo just said that with the biggest smile like that's a terrible tragic loss his wife I was just glad I found the the writer information.

[633] Yeah, well, just think about what you're saying.

[634] What a win for you.

[635] That's why they won't let you work at the hospital anymore, Eduardo.

[636] Your grandpa's dead.

[637] Eduardo, I was just happy that I had the right information.

[638] I was excited that I was right.

[639] He is dead.

[640] You've done something that absolutely terrifies me, which is you directed.

[641] Yeah.

[642] I'm terrified of the idea of directing.

[643] Yeah.

[644] I feel like I'm a boss.

[645] I like to direct small things, but if I was the formal director of a movie, I would be very frightened.

[646] Yeah.

[647] Well, it's weird because I think I am sort of an anxious person.

[648] I was thinking about trying beta blockers.

[649] Do you ever done that?

[650] Sure.

[651] Really?

[652] Wow, you went dark.

[653] I know.

[654] Let's define our terms because I want to make sure we're defining our terms.

[655] Beta blockers are, for example.

[656] I don't know.

[657] You looking at me?

[658] Yeah.

[659] Eduardo, right?

[660] That's what we want to ask.

[661] What's that?

[662] Has anyone ever died from Wait, wait, what's that?

[663] I just trying to define our terms because Medicines that lower blood pressures is what it's defined by the Mayo Clinic.

[664] And I thought of Xanax or something.

[665] Oh, no, I've not done that.

[666] I have not, I'll be clear.

[667] No, I've not.

[668] I don't think it was a blood pressure medicine.

[669] I thought it was for anxiety things.

[670] Years ago, my dad told me to take it for stand -up.

[671] It says that beta -blockers cause the heart to beat a little more slowly.

[672] Wow, I got to try it.

[673] It also says dog the bounty hunter has just passed.

[674] Oh, yes.

[675] Wait!

[676] No, he's back.

[677] He's back.

[678] This is a site that monitors his heart beats, and it's very slow.

[679] According to Blaze research, also a person may develop depression when taking beta blockers.

[680] Really?

[681] That's a confusing mix.

[682] Can I just say this?

[683] You brought up beta blockers.

[684] Yeah, sorry.

[685] It completely threw everyone off.

[686] Yeah.

[687] So have I taken medication for anxiety and maybe a bit of depression?

[688] Yes, I have.

[689] Well, I wasn't going to, I wouldn't have presumed to ask you that.

[690] I thought that beta blockers was more like, hey, I have a show, I'm nervous, I'll take this, and it helps you be calm.

[691] I wouldn't be like, are you on anti -anxiety mitts?

[692] Oh, I'm okay with telling people that because I'm a believer in people getting help.

[693] But no, the thing I do to the thing I do to help me before I have to go out in front of people is prepare.

[694] I think that is the best medication, prepare.

[695] And whenever I feel, that's the thing that calms me down is if I feel like I, put some thought into it and was prepared before I went up there.

[696] Uh -oh, everyone's scrambling around on the background.

[697] The beta blocker, they're like, beta blockers, beta blockers.

[698] It was fascinating.

[699] He's an apple.

[700] So what is, okay, difference is beta blockers are typically prescribed to treat high blood pressure and heart problems, and they are prescribed off -label for anxiety.

[701] Xanax is a different kind of drug, a benzodiazepine that is a type of tranquilizer, widely prescribed for anxiety.

[702] Yeah, developed by the Nazis.

[703] Oh, it always goes back to them.

[704] Sorry.

[705] Is it really?

[706] Well, there's a whole book about the Third Reich and how the Germans developed the benzodia drugs.

[707] It's a handwritten book by a crazy person who lives in Vermont.

[708] It's a book I found on a park bench after I wrote it.

[709] It's actually a very good and I think quite popular book that you could look up, Eduardo, so we could tell people about it.

[710] Wait, so there's a Nazi drug now?

[711] No, no. This is off the rails.

[712] I apologize.

[713] No, you should.

[714] These are my favorite ones.

[715] My favorite ones are, my favorite ones are like this, where we bounce around.

[716] I talk about Nazis.

[717] Yell at each other.

[718] The Nazis have to make one appearance.

[719] Always.

[720] What's it called?

[721] Blitz?

[722] Drugs in the Third Reich?

[723] Yes.

[724] Blitz in the Third Reich.

[725] It's all about how the Benzo class of drugs, why did I read it?

[726] That's exactly what I was.

[727] You're in a bookstore and you're like, do, do, do, do, blitz.

[728] Wait.

[729] Nazi drug makers.

[730] Because it was all about how they were, it explained, you know, they were all fucked up out of their minds.

[731] Oh, yeah.

[732] Yes, on various.

[733] And the Fuhrer was taking a million different things.

[734] So, yeah.

[735] And so anyway, I'm going to get this thing back on the rails.

[736] Do you have like one of those SS jackets in your closet?

[737] It's not in my closet.

[738] I wear it one.

[739] It's a jacket I regularly wear when I'm driving my mask.

[740] my vintage motorcycle with sidecar What's everyone so mad about?

[741] It's beautiful leather Sona you've written Miss me many times and said cool long jacket but not knowing what it meant Oh man SS is just you know little lightning bolts I was like oh he likes thunderstorm He works with the electrical company Right right No I did not I okay so you see what our podcast is like I love it and it's a it's a train wreck but we like that part of it tell us about yours call Chelsea Peretti I want to talk about this because you're a delightful person I would listen to you for hours and hours and hours I really would so I want to hear about the podcast great news I've recorded many episodes it is a reboot of a podcast that I started I forget when but a long time ago like 2014 2011 before there were podcasts yeah basically Exactly.

[742] Kind of it was like the time where podcasts felt like zines and not that many people had them.

[743] Now it's like everyone's a brand and yada yada.

[744] But I take phone calls from random people.

[745] I just post the number and people call and it puts me into my fight or flight mode, which I think is a funny place to be for me. Great place to be.

[746] Yeah.

[747] Yeah.

[748] So I just take calls.

[749] And then I have sound effects that I play and I have topics.

[750] I have an obsession with bear attack survivors.

[751] Let's talk about that.

[752] I love, listen, I have, just so you think that I, I read widely and weirdly.

[753] So I have read many books.

[754] I have read many books about bear attacks.

[755] Sona lives in bear country, right?

[756] I do.

[757] There's so many bears in Altafina.

[758] He read the book called the Third Reich Bears Training Regiment.

[759] Yeah.

[760] All your books somehow.

[761] One of their early, when they invaded Poland, it was mostly bears that went in.

[762] And they were all hyped up on.

[763] Benzos.

[764] And they were wearing long leather coats.

[765] Elizabeth Banks' movie is loosely based on it.

[766] Lusely based on the invasion of Poland.

[767] But anyway, so what have you learned about bear attacks?

[768] Because this fascinates me. Well, they can run around 40 miles an hour.

[769] What?

[770] Yeah.

[771] Yeah, you can't outrun.

[772] Don't try to outrun a bear.

[773] Oh.

[774] Yeah.

[775] I've learned that groups of three are statistically much less likely to be attacked than one or two people.

[776] So if you're ever walking around in bear country, bring two friends.

[777] But yeah, I mean, you know, the whole time I had my first run, I was like, Baratac survivors call in.

[778] Not a smart strategy to get a Bear Attack survivor because it's just statistically unlikely.

[779] You're a statistics guy.

[780] I love it you.

[781] Because I come from improv, yes, I am.

[782] I know my stats.

[783] So you get that.

[784] And so anyway, this time I just searched, I trolled around online and I found Bear Attacks and I had my producer reach out to those.

[785] survivors and see if they would come.

[786] So I've gotten two so far.

[787] Oh.

[788] And so they were attacked and they survived.

[789] Yeah.

[790] Okay.

[791] But what I'm saying is were they, uh, these chilling stories?

[792] Well, that's the thing that I'm like always trying to calibrate.

[793] Like what's the perfect level of bear attack for it to still be funny and register comedic?

[794] Wow.

[795] Very light attack.

[796] If it's still going to be funny.

[797] A light mauling.

[798] Yeah.

[799] Because there's a guy that had a call.

[800] That's a cuddle.

[801] You know, a swat.

[802] But, like, the guy I just had, he was 17, and a grizzly bear attacked him.

[803] He was alone on a mountaintop and sees a grizzly bear barreling toward him.

[804] Can you imagine?

[805] And so, like, see?

[806] No, this is good, yeah.

[807] So the bear, like, lunged at him to kind of, like, see what he would, see if he would flinch, you know?

[808] And then it slapped him.

[809] That was what I thought was comedic.

[810] It actually slapped him.

[811] But keep in mind, a swat.

[812] Slap from a grizzly bear can take your head off.

[813] It basically, he said, I mean, it actually, I hate to say it, it really did sound cartoonish.

[814] And I'm really into sequences of actions as well as sounds.

[815] He said the bear said, chomp or clack his teeth right by his head and then slapped him.

[816] So clack, slap.

[817] Then his body flew up horizontally and the bear before he hit the ground bites his thigh.

[818] Jesus.

[819] Yeah.

[820] Now, did he lose any limb?

[821] No. But he lives with like constant pain.

[822] Why did he let the guy go?

[823] Why did the bear let the guy go?

[824] They do sometimes.

[825] They just, they just.

[826] He passed out.

[827] Yeah.

[828] Yeah.

[829] So you know a little bit about this.

[830] No, I've read a bunch of books about bear attacks.

[831] You really have?

[832] I have.

[833] What are you supposed to do?

[834] Curl up?

[835] Well, it depends.

[836] It's there's black bears.

[837] There's brown bears.

[838] You much would, you would, you would, you're better off in general, uh, encountering a black bear.

[839] Yeah.

[840] Grizzlies are scary.

[841] They're usually not a. problem.

[842] They're, you know, just as afraid of us as we are of them.

[843] Would you come on my podcast as a bear expert?

[844] You know, what I want to do?

[845] I want to come on as a bear.

[846] We're talking to a grisly here.

[847] I did have to ask the guy like, would it be triggering to you if I played a bear growl sound effect?

[848] That's terrible.

[849] This man was almost lost his life to a bear and you're, and you said, lives in constant pain.

[850] And you can't get that out without laughing.

[851] I feel better now.

[852] You feel better.

[853] Eduardo, turns out you're not the sociopath in the room.

[854] We are kinfolk, you know.

[855] But yeah, so he, listen, he came on a comedy podcast.

[856] So I figured he would be all right with it.

[857] But he was like the most kind, sweet guy.

[858] Couldn't have happened to a better person.

[859] But the truth is, is like, there's really nothing you can do.

[860] really what it comes down to.

[861] Unless you're holding bear spray for the entire hike, but he was on a 40 -day camping trip.

[862] Oh, that's on him then.

[863] And it was on day 29.

[864] Yeah.

[865] That's why I only stay in hotels.

[866] Nice hotels.

[867] And still, I've been attacked several times.

[868] Offline, I'd love to know what your favorite are.

[869] On the elevator.

[870] No, that's the other thing, too, is the more you read about bear attacks, the more there is no like certain rule.

[871] There just isn't.

[872] They're mostly it's don't surprise them.

[873] You always know that for brown or a black one, you're supposed to play dead, one, you're supposed to get big and make a lot of noise.

[874] Is that, that's not true?

[875] If it's brown, play down.

[876] Right.

[877] Oh, that's what it is.

[878] I'm literally confusing.

[879] I've learned nothing.

[880] You're totally, you're totally mixing these things up.

[881] If it's black, let it stack.

[882] It's a mixed metaphor or something.

[883] Yeah.

[884] If the bear slaps, we're a cap.

[885] You know, the That's why there isn't one thing you're supposed to, I mean, it just varies so much.

[886] But I think the big things are make noise as you walk, which is why when you're in bear country, you're supposed to wear like a bell so that you don't surprise bears.

[887] And the other thing is all types of bears, this holds true.

[888] It just feels like we should get this right.

[889] You're supposed to hit a cowbell.

[890] Like, how annoying would that get?

[891] Doin, doink, doink, then the bears attack because they really hate the sound.

[892] They're like, I was trying to hibernate, and you're just going.

[893] Doink, doink, doink, don't.

[894] Well, why do you, also, you're not supposed to be rhythmically bopping from side to side.

[895] You have to enjoy it.

[896] Otherwise, what's the point?

[897] Jennifer Samples, who is a producer for Tim Coco and a huge outdoor person, just texted me saying black attack Brown lay down.

[898] Oh, nice.

[899] Wait, wait a minute.

[900] You're supposed to attack a blackout.

[901] Yeah, that's what she said.

[902] And then she put a nerd emoji.

[903] Can I just say something?

[904] I want to legally distance myself.

[905] Hey, if you see a black bear and it's hundreds of yards away from you, attack it!

[906] She's listening and texting me in real time.

[907] Why don't we just go on the offensive now?

[908] Let's go get all the black bears.

[909] She said, and then she, because she's listening to us right now, she says, yeah, get big.

[910] For the black bear.

[911] Get big.

[912] No, but what I'm saying is this whole thing of you attack it.

[913] It sounds crazy to me. I thought it was black fight back.

[914] Well, fight back.

[915] Fight back.

[916] Fight back is different than black.

[917] Because again, I just don't want people listening to this.

[918] And they're at the zoo and they see a black bear behind bars.

[919] And they squeeze in there and start wailing on it.

[920] I see you.

[921] Remember, when it's black, you must attack.

[922] No, no, it's sedated and it's behind bars.

[923] Oh, no. Like, are these official limericks from the.

[924] Parks and Recreation Department?

[925] Like, who comes up with these?

[926] Yeah, did they find the rhyme first?

[927] And they're like, eh, it's 50 -50, but it's a good rhyme.

[928] Sometimes they have really good advice, but it doesn't rhyme.

[929] Yeah.

[930] So they don't tell it to you.

[931] They're like, nothing rhymes with pigeons.

[932] So we won't tell people about the killer pigeon.

[933] A smidgin.

[934] We actually play this game with my son.

[935] We go, well, when he was little, we go, like, nothing rhymes with smidgin.

[936] And then da -da -da.

[937] And one was, nothing rhymes with pony.

[938] And I swear he was like three years old.

[939] and he said, Nina Simonee.

[940] No. Prodigy.

[941] And I was like, holy shit.

[942] This kid.

[943] But I don't want him in the biz.

[944] He's really into it now.

[945] No. Six years old.

[946] I'm like, don't do it.

[947] I really want him to be a marine biologist.

[948] That's what we all want for our children.

[949] Yeah.

[950] Yeah.

[951] I can't believe our producer, Jeff Ross, admitted to me once.

[952] For years, I've been like doing a Jeff impression, which is basically Jackie Mason.

[953] Jackie Mason going like, let's get some soup, let's go, blah, and then, you know, he's all about the business and he's all about, you know, he's reading the trades and, let's go, let's go to a good restaurant.

[954] And then he told this once, yeah, I want to be a marine biologist.

[955] And I said, and then I just picked, I just pictured Jeff at the bottom of the sea, like texting different, different eight.

[956] Instead, brum, yeah, and the most, and the most, yeah, little bubbles, and when the bubbles hit the surface, it's like, Let's get some soup.

[957] But the most exotic, rare fish in the world will go by.

[958] But Jeff is busy texting.

[959] Can they get me into Craigs?

[960] Craigs is not even that good.

[961] Don't say that.

[962] You know what I love?

[963] There's, I know.

[964] The chicken, treffled chicken.

[965] I don't.

[966] That's good.

[967] I've been to Craigs like twice.

[968] But one of the funny things is I once went, and I didn't know this, but there's the paparazzi hangout outside.

[969] And it was hilarious because I had just come from a Robert Carrow.

[970] event where I was reading, he was talking about his works, famous biographer of Lyndon Johnson.

[971] That's what I'm doing in my spare time.

[972] And I walk from that event with the book that he signed for me. And I step out and all the paparazzi put up their cameras to like, oh, you know, it's Conan.

[973] Let's just get this in case he dies tomorrow.

[974] We got one.

[975] And I just hold up the book and because they're clicking away.

[976] And because I'm holding up a biography of Lyndon Johnson, all the cameras go down.

[977] And it was like putting up a cross in front of them.

[978] I tried to turn my moment into a teachable history moment and hold it camera.

[979] Did you ever look for it?

[980] Oh, if someone can find me holding a Robert Caro book online walking into a restaurant.

[981] Let's search Conan Craig's Getty images.

[982] I think I'm very good at Google searching.

[983] I'm trying to come for your job.

[984] My guess is it doesn't exist because I think at that point they all smash their cameras.

[985] Yeah, they don't post the rejects.

[986] All those guys quit the biz.

[987] They all became missionaries after that day.

[988] But they're all doing the Lord's work in various.

[989] Look, Eduardo can't find it.

[990] Of course you can't find it.

[991] Wait, look up LBJ going to Craigs.

[992] Maybe that'll work.

[993] Yeah, we'll see Lyndon Johnson there.

[994] I'll see why you keep this guy around.

[995] You know, it's funny because in some interview, you were talking about how you were pretty sure that when Get Out was released, you were like, you thought that, or maybe it was just a joke.

[996] I'm pretty sure it's a joke, but it's a joke, but that Jordan was writing about your family.

[997] Yeah, because, well, the funny thing is everyone was like, oh, is this about her?

[998] And I was like, yeah, it's a documentary.

[999] Like, that was, that was a joke.

[1000] But now years later, I'm like, maybe it was.

[1001] Like, you know, like, I would be too, like, self -confident that I'm not a monster, you know, to go, no, it actually is.

[1002] about me. It's the perfect cover, you know.

[1003] Yes.

[1004] Oh, couldn't.

[1005] Assuming that my husband loves me, you know?

[1006] That is funny how the initial reaction of most people who are in the business is they want their kids to have nothing to do with it.

[1007] Isn't it?

[1008] Because it's awful.

[1009] I mean, I, when I first started stand -up and, like, they would, like, they, I don't know who they is, but if there was a YouTube clip online, the comments, like, when I first experienced what that was like, I cried for like two hours.

[1010] And then you get a little better at it.

[1011] It just makes you like, oh, I remember I did your show and your social media team posted a photo and I was all gussied of.

[1012] You know, this is going to end badly.

[1013] I was in like a sparkly dress and a makeup artist took like a big swing and did like a bold, what I would call a bold eye.

[1014] And one of the comments was, what is that?

[1015] And I was like, there's really no, like, there's, there's really nothing that cuts to the quick, faster.

[1016] than what is that?

[1017] It's like three words.

[1018] And you decimated me. But, you know, so it's, why would I ever want my child to experience that?

[1019] That's why I don't post his photo.

[1020] I mean, I've posted photos of myself as a kid and people are like, you look like a boy.

[1021] And I'm like, you're, you're attacking a child.

[1022] So why would I ever want to subject my own child to it?

[1023] I think, yeah, I think, first of all, I came to the conclusion a long time ago.

[1024] I've had guests, on my show over the years talked to me about oh the previous time I was on I got some negative comments and they will quote it and it's you it's actually you you're trolling all your guests because I want them to learn if they're annoying I thought Helen Mirren could get better and that's why I did it and make better choices no I my reaction was always why are you looking at that I know but because Because I don't, I, I, the last thing in the world I would ever choose to do, I got plenty of mean things said about me back in the old days pre -internet when they were, when it was critics saying, and more than happy to bring up my physical flaws and all kinds of stuff.

[1025] But you're perfect.

[1026] Thank you.

[1027] But, but I, I, so I remember that at the time and thinking, oh, this is terrible.

[1028] So the idea now that, and that was just when there were.

[1029] just a couple of hundred critics in America who are all saying terrible things.

[1030] But now there's millions of people.

[1031] Right.

[1032] I would not choose to go looking for it.

[1033] I know.

[1034] I mean, I don't really, like, I do limit it.

[1035] You know, I've started playing Blockudoku, which I'm replacing a lot of my Instagram time on and stuff.

[1036] And I don't read all of it, but I definitely read some of it.

[1037] I just don't have the personality where I can't read stuff.

[1038] Like my movie, like some people wrote bad reviews, I'm like, okay, I'm going to read it.

[1039] I can't not read it.

[1040] I need to like, I guess part of me does feel like I'm going to learn something from it.

[1041] That's good.

[1042] That's good.

[1043] I mean, if you can do it, if I think there's something that I can learn, then yes, I do want feedback, but I kind of want it to be constructive feedback.

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] Not, what is that?

[1046] I hope you die feedback because I can't do anything with, hey, Conan, I hope, you know, why are you still alive?

[1047] I can't, that doesn't help me in my work.

[1048] Right.

[1049] It helps you in your mirror work where you're just like, why are you still alive?

[1050] Why am I?

[1051] Those things cut deep sometimes.

[1052] You really, it sticks with you.

[1053] But yeah, I don't know.

[1054] I just don't have the personality of like if being that evolved.

[1055] I don't know that it's evolved.

[1056] I might just be afraid to look.

[1057] I'm not saying what I'm doing is evolved.

[1058] I'm just saying that's a choice I made a while ago to just.

[1059] It seems it seems like, you know what?

[1060] I don't have willpower in a lot of ways.

[1061] It seems like a very like puritanical that you can do that.

[1062] I'm puritanicillian.

[1063] I'm wearing iron underwear right now.

[1064] I'm very puritanical.

[1065] And every time I disappoint myself, I turn these two screws on either side, which also is a little erotic.

[1066] All let me make sure we get the word out.

[1067] Call Chelsea Peretti.

[1068] Yes.

[1069] It's podcast.

[1070] And I'm going to come on as a...

[1071] Bear expert.

[1072] Bear expert, which is a...

[1073] All I know is if you see a black bear thousands of yards away from you and it's walking away...

[1074] Attack it.

[1075] With its baby.

[1076] don't jump on your bike and grab a scythe and go after it.

[1077] I'm coming for you, Bear!

[1078] That just seems cruel, but I adore you.

[1079] I'm so happy that you came by, and you're always so nice.

[1080] You came on my show.

[1081] You were always hilarious.

[1082] And you've had a spectacular.

[1083] I'm glad you exist in the world.

[1084] That's very nice.

[1085] Let's get that online.

[1086] That balances out that I hope.

[1087] You know, really one of my biggest regrets was Joan Rivers used to do that show, like in bed with Joan Rivers.

[1088] And I was, they asked me to do it and I like, scheduling didn't work out and then she died.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] Yeah.

[1091] And so now I'm like, you really do have to tell people like.

[1092] So you're here because you thought I could go at any minute.

[1093] I thought you're getting close.

[1094] Yes.

[1095] Guess what?

[1096] This is a great booking tool.

[1097] Yes.

[1098] We should start to putting out there, oh, Conan, we're a little worried about him.

[1099] Conan's under the weather.

[1100] Anthony Hopkins is here to talk at length about whatever I want to talk about because he's worried you're going to go yeah he's worried i'm going to go yeah that's funny well please come please please come back he doesn't please come back and i would love talking to you and um go in peace we both want each other to die yeah what's going on go in peace it's not uh rest in peace it's a stone's throw from rest and peace it's how they used to end mass when i was a kid go in peace to love and serve the lord Except our priest would always have, he'd go, he must have just say, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

[1101] And our priest was a real, like, he acted like Jimmy Cagney, and he jingled change in his pocket.

[1102] And he'd go, go, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

[1103] Have a nice day.

[1104] Have a nice week.

[1105] See you around.

[1106] Wow.

[1107] Wow.

[1108] That's the New New Testament.

[1109] Do you think he was on the spectrum?

[1110] I think he was on Nazi benzos.

[1111] Oh, no. Sorry.

[1112] Nazi priests.

[1113] Nazi priests are the best kind of priest.

[1114] All right, bye.

[1115] Okay, this segment is airing after our conversation with none other than Chelsea Peretti.

[1116] And in that segment, we found ourselves talking about bear attacks.

[1117] Quite irresponsibly.

[1118] Very irresponsibly.

[1119] Yeah, that was not a great thing.

[1120] We're here to clear the air, which is that no one in this studio, especially Chelsea Peretti, but including myself, is an expert on what to do in a bear attack.

[1121] We started saying some shit.

[1122] But anybody who's tuning into Conan O 'Brien needs a friend to know how to survive in the woods is a fool, in my opinion.

[1123] And no one should be listening to us.

[1124] And keep in mind, no lawyers contacted us.

[1125] We even ourselves, we're like, this is ridiculous.

[1126] We're going to get someone killed.

[1127] Yeah.

[1128] We are doing this because of our conscience.

[1129] We just want to make sure that, well, collective, the three of us together have one conscience.

[1130] Oh, okay, okay.

[1131] Yeah.

[1132] Did you really read all those books on Bear Attacks?

[1133] I have read a lot on Bear Attacks.

[1134] but do I remember with great authority what to do and what not to do?

[1135] No, I don't.

[1136] Do you think anybody knows?

[1137] Now, see, but that's just what the bears want you to think.

[1138] You know what I mean?

[1139] I think the bears are also online putting out a lot of misinformation.

[1140] Exactly.

[1141] They've got a Russian server farm working for them.

[1142] They're typing on a computer.

[1143] Grizzly bears love that whole thing of just lie down in front of the grizzly and we won't bother you.

[1144] That's right.

[1145] That's Grizzlies sitting at computers, putting that out there.

[1146] The best way to avoid a bear deck is to lather yourself in gravy and lie down in front of a bay.

[1147] Bring a gravy boat.

[1148] Pour the gravy on you.

[1149] Lay down on a large platter with an onion in your mouth and lay still for the bear.

[1150] Signed, I am not a bear.

[1151] So I don't know what to do in a bear attack.

[1152] And we have a producer on the show.

[1153] She's a researcher.

[1154] Jen Samples does an amazing job.

[1155] And she claims to know.

[1156] But she said, she texted him when we were talking to Chelsea Peretti.

[1157] And she said, if you see a black bear attack, which sounded crazy to me because it sounded like the black bear could be six miles away on a far ridge, smelling a dandelion.

[1158] And your job is to race over there and start punching it.

[1159] Jen Samples does, she goes hiking and like every weekend.

[1160] She's always doing outdoor stuff, always camping.

[1161] And she texted me during the Chelsea Peretti thing saying, if you see a black bear attack.

[1162] We can get her on the phone.

[1163] on the phone?

[1164] Yeah, get him on the phone.

[1165] All right, yeah, let's call her up.

[1166] So my question is...

[1167] What if it's a bear on the other line?

[1168] Yeah.

[1169] Big bear.

[1170] No, no, he's saying like, Jen's not here right now.

[1171] All right, we got her on the phone here.

[1172] You want to take the phone and you can hold it.

[1173] Okay, why don't you hold it?

[1174] I'm holding it.

[1175] Yeah.

[1176] Jen, can you hear us?

[1177] Yeah.

[1178] Okay.

[1179] Jen, you're not being patched through in any kind of sophisticated way that I would expect from Eduardo, who is a mastermind.

[1180] Instead, Blay just is calling you on a cell phone and Sona's holding it.

[1181] I'm holding it.

[1182] I just said Son is holding it.

[1183] I know, but I'm saying, of all people in here, I'm the one who's holding it, which is a really bad idea.

[1184] Yeah, because you drop stuff.

[1185] Okay.

[1186] You dropped your twins many times.

[1187] Anyway, so, Jen, we want to clear the air because Chelsea Peretti was talking about what to do during a bear attack.

[1188] We got the sense that she didn't know what she was talking about.

[1189] She induced me to talk about it.

[1190] I started saying shit, but I'm not sure I'm right.

[1191] And then you text in and say, when you see a black bear attack, which sounds crazy to me. You don't attack a bear that's minding its own business.

[1192] Okay, I'm not saying like, go after a bear.

[1193] Well, that's what it sounded like.

[1194] Yes, but, like, you want to, like, make yourself big and, like, bang pots and pans and, like, you know, kind of just, like, make yourself taller than the bear.

[1195] That's what my wife did when I met her.

[1196] When I met my wife and tried to talk to her in a bar, she started hitting pots and going, La La La!

[1197] I had to re -approach many times over the years to get her.

[1198] Anyway, so you're saying a black bear.

[1199] Now, a grizzly, what do you do?

[1200] Well, okay, so here's the rhyme, because we haven't even gotten into polar bears, and that's a whole other bear.

[1201] Oh, my God.

[1202] What about koala bears?

[1203] Well, yeah, I don't know.

[1204] Those ones, you know.

[1205] But, okay, so the rhyme is as follows.

[1206] It goes black attack, I stand by that.

[1207] Brown lay down.

[1208] So, like, play dead because...

[1209] If you fight back, a grizzly brown bear is going to just kill you.

[1210] And it's horrific.

[1211] And then white, good night.

[1212] So you're just screwed.

[1213] Like, if you run into a polar bear, you're dead.

[1214] I've always heard if it's polar, go solar.

[1215] Honestly, not going to work.

[1216] No, try and just get, because it's responsible.

[1217] They are bears that respect going green and being more responsible in your use of electricity.

[1218] Well, you bring up a kind of interesting point.

[1219] Jen, how much of this is.

[1220] contingent upon this this rhyme did they reverse engineer this is there science to this where you get in your facts yeah i'm telling you there because okay i listen to a lot of podcasts about bear attacks also i am fascinated by bear attacks and i spent a lot of time like camping up in grizzly bear country up in montana so i do a lot of research and i like to be prepared when i go there obviously having bear spray is key up there too but yeah i it's it's proven fact i think i think that's like the go -to run, like the National Park Service and everything goes by.

[1221] So I say, so, so a bear spray is good and also wearing the cologne jupe.

[1222] They're just bottled the same.

[1223] Same formula.

[1224] Tracy Morrigan's brought me a bottle of jupe.

[1225] And man, uh, I think that would work on a bear too.

[1226] Dwarter, you have some confirmation here.

[1227] Yes, I can kind of confirm what Jen's saying.

[1228] I went to the to nps .gov, which is national park service.

[1229] And they say, if a black bear charges and attacks you, Fight back with everything you have.

[1230] Do not play dead.

[1231] There you go.

[1232] It says, and furthermore, it says direct punches and kicks at the bear's face and use any weapons like rocks, branches, or bearer spray to defend yourself.

[1233] So that's for black bears.

[1234] Okay.

[1235] If a grizzly slash brown bear charges and attacks you play dead.

[1236] Do not fight back.

[1237] Cover your head and neck with your hands and arms, lay flat on your stomach, and spread your legs apart.

[1238] Keep your pack on.

[1239] It will help protect you during an attack.

[1240] Take.

[1241] Stay still and don't make any noise.

[1242] You're trying to convince the bear that you aren't a threat to it or it's cubs.

[1243] Do not get up right away because the bear may still be in the area.

[1244] Wait several minutes until you are sure the bear is gone.

[1245] You know what I did?

[1246] I did some of this research and I went camping not long ago and I brought a casket and a suit and when a, uh, and a suit and when I saw a brown bear in the area, I put on the suit and got in the open casket.

[1247] And you hired a bunch of people to come to your funeral as actors.

[1248] I hired nine.

[1249] I hired nine.

[1250] I hired nine.

[1251] people to just look sad and be around me. And they were all killed.

[1252] They were killed because they were, I also brought food for them to eat, because that's what would be happening at a wake.

[1253] So they were all picking at chicken salad.

[1254] The bear attacked and killed them.

[1255] But I was safe, and then the bear actually stopped and crossed himself.

[1256] And then didn't he give a little speech?

[1257] He gave a short speech, which is like, this was a life well lived.

[1258] And I think they did a good job on him.

[1259] He looks pretty lifelike.

[1260] Oh, my God.

[1261] And he did remark that I looked paler than most dead people he'd seen.

[1262] And that was a baller, but yeah, exactly.

[1263] So anyway, wow, okay, this is good.

[1264] We just wanted to make sure, Jen, that we got some real information out.

[1265] But I do want to underline that when Jen said, if you see a black bear attack, what she meant is if the black bear has attacked you.

[1266] Do not start searching for black bears and then randomly just punching them with your fists.

[1267] That's, I think, a terrible thing to do.

[1268] Yeah.

[1269] Yeah, let's make that clear.

[1270] That is not what I'm saying.

[1271] Well, it's what it sounded like.

[1272] It sounded like if you can find a black bear, punch him in the back of the head.

[1273] Don't find it?

[1274] Thank you, Jen, so much.

[1275] Of course.

[1276] Don't koala bears have, like, gonorrhea?

[1277] Gonorrhea.

[1278] Yeah, so.

[1279] Yeah, they do.

[1280] What's the rhyme for that?

[1281] Well, definitely don't lay down and spread your legs.

[1282] Okay.

[1283] Well, I'm sorry.

[1284] Come on.

[1285] I'm just picking up the other advice.

[1286] Spread your legs.

[1287] That's what you said about the brown bear.

[1288] Spread your legs.

[1289] That's just what the bear wants.

[1290] that bear has done any time in prison Why did Anyway Okay well thank you very much Jen and I'm glad that we were And you know what I think we were responsible here I agree Because sometimes people get confused They're listening to a couple of comedic fools Talking and they might You know misremember later on I think the lesson here is listeners should come here For their nature facts from here on out Yes If it's polar go solar I apologize again for this podcast, and it should be stopped, and we will stop it eventually.

[1291] Take care.

[1292] God bless.

[1293] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goorley.

[1294] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[1295] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

[1296] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1297] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1298] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1299] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1300] Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

[1301] Additional production support by Mars Melnik.

[1302] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Britt Con. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1303] Got a question for Conan?

[1304] Call the Team Coco hotline at 669 -587 -2847 and leave a message.

[1305] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1306] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.