5 Quick Holiday/Family Survival Strategies

[0] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority, because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.

[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.

[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.

[19] with AG1.

[20] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[21] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[22] Check it out.

[23] Hey everybody.

[24] Welcome to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] This is Kirkmart Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[26] You can find it's Celebrate Calm .com.

[27] I wasn't going to do with podcast before Christmas but I just got this really really cool email from a family so here's the setting they're on the way to grandma's house for the holidays there's four of them mom dad two pretty strong will kids about ages 10 and 12 and so mom had an idea and I'm not guaranteeing this is going to work but they got all of our programs and so you download them right to your iPhone Android tablet computer whatever you want so they they download it eat different programs to each of their phones.

[28] So as they're driving along, dad is listening to the dad's CD, mom is listening to Straight Talk for Moms, and the kids are listening to my son's CD program, Straight Talk for Kids.

[29] So here's what they decided.

[30] After an hour, just do an hour, come back and tell me, what have you learned?

[31] So first, strong will kid, boy, pipes up.

[32] I learned I need to stop giving all of my power to my sister because she irritates me and then I react to her but that gives her power over me and I don't want to do that anymore.

[33] Well, dad pipes up.

[34] Well, guess what?

[35] I've got to stop giving all of my power to you, son, because you're really good at pushing buttons.

[36] But I want to apologize to you because I have taught you that you can get me irritated and that you have control over me, and instead of being the leader, I've been following and I've reacted to you and I apologize to you for that because what I really know is you want my engagement, you want my intensity, and I'm going to start giving that to you in positive ways, right?

[37] And the car got really quiet and the mom inside was like, that was worth everything in order for me, for my husband to finally stop reacting and complaining about our son because she said, and this is cool because she's emailing me while they're driving.

[38] And so she's like, to get this through to my husband to see that our son isn't just a little jerk, but that he really wants his father's engagement and intensity and do some positive things.

[39] This is a really cool breakthrough.

[40] So they asked their daughter, so what did you learn?

[41] And so she won't answer because she's one of our kids and they keep hounding her.

[42] And she eventually says, apparently you all have not been listening very closely because that guy says that you need to give the strong will child a little bit of space to process.

[43] And when you pressure me, I'm not going to do what you say.

[44] So they started kind of getting a little upset.

[45] better, right?

[46] And you know what she said?

[47] She said, give me some space.

[48] I will not tell you what I've learned, but I'm going to show you.

[49] Oh, boom.

[50] I love that kid.

[51] I'll adopt her right now.

[52] Not really, because she's difficult.

[53] But I love, I love that attitude.

[54] So mom ended it by saying, here's what I learned.

[55] I need to get better at saying no. And I'm going to say no to grandma and grandpa to my mom and my dad because I've been spending so much time trying to please them and not making them upset.

[56] And then I sacrificed my own family.

[57] And so I'm going to tell them that instead of staying for four nights this week, we're going to stay three nights.

[58] And then we're going to go somewhere and we're going to enjoy some family time together.

[59] And she said the car erupted in cheers because she always commits too long and it ends up being really boring and they all fight.

[60] So I thought, that's cool.

[61] What a cool idea that this family had to do that.

[62] So I just encourage you.

[63] I wouldn't do the hour -long thing.

[64] I'd say listen for 20 minutes, listen to 30 minutes.

[65] Let your kids listen on their iPhone.

[66] By the way, in case I forget to say it, you can download these programs.

[67] Don't give them to your parents.

[68] Have the grandparents listen and say, you clearly don't understand my kids and it's a different era.

[69] I know you like.

[70] Anyway.

[71] So five quick tips.

[72] I want to do five quick tips to get you through this holiday family time with your sanity intact.

[73] Number one, be assertive.

[74] Tell people what you want and need.

[75] Look, being bossy is telling other people what to do.

[76] Being assertive is telling other people what you're going to do or what you need.

[77] Have an exit plan like this mom.

[78] Make it a short visit.

[79] Have a code word in your home because your kids are going to get overwhelmed.

[80] There's too many people around.

[81] and have a little bit of an exit plan for when you go places, right?

[82] If you have a Christmas party, don't stay the whole time.

[83] Leave a little bit early if you want to.

[84] There's nothing wrong with that.

[85] And I'll give you, look, here's one of my favorite ones.

[86] My way, because I'm kind of an introvert, is when I'm at a big family thing during the holidays, I'll say, hey, anybody need anything from the grocery store?

[87] Boom.

[88] Then I get to go to the grocery store, either by myself, take a kid, take a family member, whatever.

[89] But I get out of all of that chaos.

[90] And now I've got a mission at the grocery store gives me a little bit of time away.

[91] And so I frequently use that, oftentimes in the same day.

[92] Oh, looks like we ran out of milk because I just poured it down this drain.

[93] I'm going to the grocery store.

[94] Anybody need anything, right?

[95] We forgot batteries.

[96] So I'm going to the CVS, whatever it is.

[97] Use those things.

[98] There's nothing wrong with you.

[99] that because you know that you need it number two kind of related plan for downtime look your kids i want your kids to engage with everyone i want them to engage i want you to be engaged i want you have a good time with your family but some of your kids just get overwhelmed easily so plan on some downtime i'm not talking about go play your video games all the time but take their legos give them other things to do but allow them to have some space away from everybody else and don't take it personally and don't react when everybody judges you about what you're doing with your kids, whatever.

[100] Plan some downtime.

[101] It's really important.

[102] Number three, do what this mom did.

[103] Say no to your mother, your father, your mother -in -law, your father -in -law, your friends.

[104] Say no at parties, right?

[105] Don't go everywhere you're at.

[106] You don't have to please other people, moms especially.

[107] Stop trying to please everybody else.

[108] I want to release you for.

[109] from that expectation that you can somehow make everybody happy or that you can create the perfect holiday or it's the perfect Christmas.

[110] It's not happening and your job isn't to make everybody happy and your job isn't to go around and try to fix everything and smooth everything over and make sure everybody's happy and they have the right thing.

[111] Look, for other adults in your life, they're grown adults.

[112] Expect them to act like adults.

[113] If things don't go well, expect them to deal with disappointment.

[114] And actually, same thing.

[115] your kids but stop taking all of that on yourself or you will put too much pressure on yourself and your kids and your family to do everything uh uh perfectly don't rush around say no to you know if you want to say no to materialism to doing to false expectations of what christmas is supposed to be like don't rush around you get to make the choice whether you enjoy this time or not you get to make that choice and for some of you it's going to be really hard to say no to your parents because they've used guilt and manipulation on you, but you need to.

[116] And some of you, it's the best thing you can do for your marriage.

[117] Because because you can't say no to your mommy or daddy, you subject your spouse and your kids to all kinds of things that they don't want to do.

[118] And that's all, look, it all comes back to controlling yourself and changing yourself, not other people.

[119] By the way, a little quick aside here, look, we've got a lot.

[120] I hope this doesn't offend you.

[121] All throughout our family, we have a lot of kids with special needs on the spectrum.

[122] I've got a little nephew.

[123] He's a little Aspy kid.

[124] Don't judge me. I love little Aspy kids.

[125] And I know people are like, don't call him Aspy.

[126] I love the little name because I think it's actually a lot of great qualities come with that.

[127] And so my mom was always like, well, when Brace comes in the house, he doesn't greet me like I greeted adults when I was a kid.

[128] I was like, I get that mom.

[129] But he's not.

[130] being disrespectful.

[131] It's not that he doesn't like you.

[132] It's when he walks through the door of your house, he's instantly overwhelmed because his brain is so busy and he's so busy trying to process everything and all of the noise and all of the people and it's all out of his control that he doesn't yet have the self -awareness and he doesn't have that internal control yet to get through all of that, walk through and come to his grandma.

[133] He's overwhelmed.

[134] He's overwhelmed.

[135] so instead of putting more pressure on him and causing him to not like you by always uttering little comments about how your other grandkids say hi but Bryce doesn't instead why don't you be a little bit of a lifeline to your your grandson who struggles a little bit and want you when he comes to your house give him a job to do and you create a success form and you give him something to do that he loves doing instead of artificially making him come and hug you and by the way you're really old now and he might not want to hug you because you're really old and I'm kidding it's my mom but anyway you know what I mean relax with that stuff please teach your parents about your kids teach your relatives so they understand share the CDs download it to look download it to their phone and say listen stop to look we're going to take an hour and you're going to stop judging me because I know what everybody thinks if I just discipline my kids they would be better yeah I've tried that before These kids don't care about consequences.

[136] So for the next hour, why don't you listen to this stuff?

[137] Maybe you'll get some insight.

[138] You'll have them listen to the Strong Will Child Program or the ADHD one.

[139] It'll change the way they see your child.

[140] Number four, unstructured time is really, really tough.

[141] So I want you to set your kids up for success.

[142] If your kids are home, if you're home all through the holidays, every day is unstructured time.

[143] And so here's an idea.

[144] Have a theme for each day.

[145] Have camp days.

[146] Hey, it's Camp Harrington today.

[147] for our family name what are you going to do today is it about cooking something is it a place you want to travel is it something you're going to make together as a family is it is a camp day going to be giving to other people so you're going to go feed people the homeless shelter or you're going to take some food down to the animal shelter for the the the straight animals there what is your day about give it some theme a theme could be small business day we're all all going to start a little business today and try to earn some money that gives some structure to it when you go to your relatives house have your relatives grandma grandpa aunt's uncles give your strong will child a specific job mission or project to do using your child's particular gifts talents and passions something they're good at doing so when your child walks through the door and say oh man jacob i'm psyched you're here listen i'm building something in the garage.

[148] I know that you're really good with your hands and building with Legos and you can see in three dimensions and I can see you being an engineer and architect one day.

[149] Could you come help me with this project?

[150] Your child would be on cloud nine.

[151] And now someone, a relative is seeing the good qualities in him and instead of having to correct him the whole time for his behavior, his misbehavior, his impulse behavior, you've given him a job to do.

[152] When your kids are focused on a specific job that they're good at doing and they like doing, your kids Rock.

[153] So whatever it is, I don't care.

[154] Could be coming up with a music video, could be cooking, sewing, creating something, doing something outside, doing something with sports.

[155] Have your relatives, especially greet them at the door and give them a job to do.

[156] Could be fixing their electronics around the house.

[157] It could be setting up your grandparents with the grandparents with their own Facebook account so they can keep up with the kids and grandkids.

[158] Number five, and this is related to it.

[159] Have a real life report card reading.

[160] Here's why.

[161] School's going to come up.

[162] All the relatives are going to ask, so how are the kids doing in school?

[163] Because that typically all anybody cares about.

[164] And if you have more than one child, you likely have one child who's awesome because she pays attention and raises her hand and she studies so hard and she's so driven and motivated.

[165] And she's doing so well.

[166] And she's on an honor roll.

[167] She's going to go to college and she's already taking our SATs in fifth grade.

[168] And she's awesome.

[169] But then you have the strong will child who doesn't necessarily do that well in school and this is just going to reinforce to that child something's wrong with you you're not as good as your siblings and nobody likes you as much and everybody's going to get on that child the whole time it's going to be miserable so he doesn't even get a break from school when he's away from school so set him up for success if you've listened to previous podcast or the ADHD program you'll hear an idea I had that I love create a report card for your child a real life report card So when they come home with a regular report card, you can place appropriate emphasis on it.

[170] But then you can say, but I created a real -life success report card.

[171] Here are the qualities necessary for success in life.

[172] Persistence and tenacity, creativity, problem -solving, compassion, figuring things out, ingenuity.

[173] Guess what?

[174] You're awesome at all those things.

[175] And so when your relatives ask about your child, how's doing school, say, oh, I just want to tell you about my son, here's what he did last week he came up with this idea to build a robot to take apart the toilet to do whatever and he started on it man that kid when he's interested in something he works for hours at a time because he's persistent i love that quality you know what else he did last week he saw a neighbor down the street struggling with something he got out of his warm home and walked ran down to their house and he helped mrs johnson that old lady down the street with x or y You know why?

[176] My son's got a big heart, right?

[177] And you can pull your child and say, Jacob, come in here.

[178] Tell everybody how much money you made last night, building your own little business, walking dogs in the neighborhood, shoveling mulch, shoveling snow, raking leaves, doing whatever it was.

[179] Let everybody know and let your child be impressive to them, right?

[180] And show your family the other side of your child.

[181] And then you can say, you know what, here and down.

[182] of that money and guess what he did.

[183] He took some of that money and he bought Christmas gifts for kids who wouldn't normally get them because my son's got a big heart and he's awesome.

[184] And you're not being defensive at all.

[185] You're just showing another side to your child that nobody else really ever sees, right?

[186] You can tell him like, oh, yeah, is he still pushing your buttons all the time?

[187] Yeah, but you know what I realized?

[188] I'm listening to Celebrate Calm Guy and he let me know that my child pushing my button is really my issue because I've too many buttons to push.

[189] And if I would stop reacting to my child and instead of giving intensity in negative ways, I actually gave him a job to do or helped him run his own business, he'd stop pushing buttons and we'd be getting along a lot better.

[190] And by the way, I downloaded all of his programs onto your phone.

[191] So instead of judging me for the next few days, maybe you could listen to them and then we can figure out a way together that you could support me because raising a really strong -willed child is pretty tough.

[192] And if just discipline and consequences worked, I would have done that already.

[193] You know why?

[194] Because I'm not an idiot.

[195] And so, if you want to get on board and help me out, I encourage you to listen to these, and it would be really cool.

[196] But the whole idea is you're showing them a different side of your child, and it's a really cool thing.

[197] So I want you armed with this.

[198] I want you going, enjoying time with family.

[199] I want you to say no. I want you to have an exit plan.

[200] I want you to not try to please everybody.

[201] Relax moms.

[202] Enjoy your time for once.

[203] ask other people to serve you instead of doing everything for everybody else set your kids up for success and come up with ways that during these holidays no matter where they are they can use their gifts talents and passions whatever they're good at doing to help other people and to serve other people and you will not only survive the holidays you will actually enjoy them so to everybody out there happy Hanukkah merry Christmas happy holidays happy new year if i forgot anything i forget I'm sorry, but I just want to wish you and your family a really meaningful time together.

[204] If we can help you in any way, reach out to us.

[205] We're at celebrate calm .com.

[206] You can email my son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com, or call us at 888 -508 -501.

[207] We've extended a Christmas sale.

[208] You know why?

[209] Because we just figured why not run it until Christmas.

[210] And we don't want to make any changes.

[211] We're getting all kinds of good testimonials.

[212] So if you need help, go on the website, download the programs.

[213] If you order by this Saturday before Christmas, we will be shipping right up until they close at the post office, and some of you will get the physical CDs by Christmas, some of you after.

[214] But no matter what you purchase, you will automatically get the instant downloads that come right to your phone, computer, tablet.

[215] So you can listen literally right away and do that.

[216] But if you don't order it to you later, it's fine.

[217] All right, however you want to do it, but this runs through Christmas.

[218] So it's right there on our website, celebratecallum .com.

[219] Look, there's a tab that says Christmas sale.

[220] It's an awesome, awesome deal.

[221] And we love helping families.

[222] So if we can help you any way, just let us know.

[223] Thanks so much.

[224] Bye -bye.