Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz

[0] Okay, hi, my name is Thomas Midditch.

[1] Hi, my name is Ben Schwartz.

[2] And I feel sizzling with an apostrophe instead of the G. And I feel curious about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[3] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell.

[4] Until that we are going to be friends Until that we are going to be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[5] This is the show where basically I'm on a quest to find friends, make friends, enhance existing friendships using the podcast format.

[6] And as always, in my efforts, I am aided or hurt by the addition of two other people, Sonam of Sessian, my assistant son.

[7] Do you think you help me?

[8] I think I help you a lot.

[9] Do you think you help me in my everyday life?

[10] I think you would be lost without me. Okay.

[11] As my assistant...

[12] I think you need me in your life.

[13] Okay.

[14] And I think you should give me a raise.

[15] And I think you should just continue employing me. Remember the time you told me you wanted to live in Santa Monica near the beach?

[16] And so I gave you a raise just so you could live near the beach in Santa Monica.

[17] Remember that time?

[18] Do you remember that time?

[19] I do.

[20] I really wish you would exercise just some sort of humility.

[21] and just not see that story that makes you look so good.

[22] I think that you should just do nice things without having to talk about them on a podcast that a lot of people are listening to.

[23] I do too, but once Sona wanted to live near the beach of Santa Monica and she didn't have enough money and I said, well, how much money would you need so I gave her a raise to cover it so she could live there.

[24] So I'm a good guy and that proves it.

[25] Hey, and also...

[26] Oh my God!

[27] Matt Gourley is here.

[28] You're so awful.

[29] Matt, how are you?

[30] I'm good.

[31] I'd sure love to live in Santa Monica.

[32] Well, how much money do you need to make it happen?

[33] You know what I might do?

[34] I will write you a blank check.

[35] Sounds great.

[36] And then you just fill in the amount.

[37] Okay.

[38] Because I help people, and this is being recorded and going out there, I help people.

[39] Yeah, this is being recorded and going out there.

[40] It's on record.

[41] Yes.

[42] Okay.

[43] So it's on record that I'm a good guy.

[44] We're all agreed.

[45] And then you're giving me a blank check.

[46] Let's move on.

[47] All right.

[48] Because that got awkward and I'm embarrassed that it came out that I'm so nice.

[49] Embarrassed and ashamed.

[50] I'm very excited.

[51] about our guests today.

[52] These are some young whippersnappers, some young kids.

[53] Young whippersnippers.

[54] These are blazing fast guns with hot hands.

[55] I'm talking, of course, about Middletich and Schwartz.

[56] Yes, these guys, Thomas Middletich, Ben Schwartz, are extremely talented, and they improvise, which I'm told is where there's no script.

[57] It's a high wire act where somebody says something and then you say something and then someone else says something.

[58] before you know what you've made magic.

[59] I don't understand it.

[60] I wanna question these gentlemen about their tricks.

[61] They're gonna be performing soon at the Wiltern Tuesday on March 26th.

[62] If you've not seen them, they are a delight.

[63] I'm being serious here.

[64] Middle Dishan Schwartz, the Wiltern Tuesday, March 26th.

[65] Doors are at 7 p .m. The show is at 8 p .m. Don't know what you'll be doing for an hour, but that's your problem, not mine.

[66] Yeah, bring a Ouija board.

[67] and some beef jerky to kill an hour.

[68] Tickets.

[69] Tickets at middle ditch and Schwartz .com.

[70] Gentlemen, gentlemen, it's an honor.

[71] Thank you for being here.

[72] I'm coming after you hard today.

[73] I would love it.

[74] Yeah, and I'll tell you why, because I resent your youth and your fun approach to comedy.

[75] It enrages me. You're both these young, funny guys.

[76] He's taken off garments of clothing while he's doing this.

[77] Why are you getting nude, dude?

[78] Well, because, first of all, you need to see what a body this age looks like.

[79] Jesus Christ.

[80] This is what happens to a male body when a lot of years go by.

[81] And I'm sick of you guys pretending it's all good because we're improvising and it's all fun.

[82] Look at this.

[83] Look at this.

[84] I'll tell you what, sweetheart.

[85] Pants are off now.

[86] Jesus Christ.

[87] That used to be a penis.

[88] You wear a long, Johns?

[89] Used to be.

[90] Look at it.

[91] It's huge, but I can't feel.

[92] anything.

[93] Oh, it's dead meat.

[94] It does nothing.

[95] And this is the part of the podcast where I say that was tightly scripted.

[96] Conan Thomas and I wrote that about a month ago.

[97] Yes.

[98] And we've been workshopping it in Canada because we didn't want anyone to see it.

[99] No, not anymore.

[100] Juddapitel gave us notes.

[101] Yes.

[102] Of all people.

[103] That's right.

[104] Notes, notes, notes, guys.

[105] He said it could be longer.

[106] Yeah, he did.

[107] The penis, not the bit.

[108] Oh, hello.

[109] Listen, I'm sorry.

[110] I went for a joke and you're not supposed to do that in improv.

[111] Improv is not supposed to have laughs.

[112] Lafs.

[113] Nobody's supposed to laugh in improv.

[114] There shouldn't be laughing, and I just committed an error.

[115] Fraud.

[116] But I wanted to talk to you guys because you're young, it's all fun, you're hilarious guys, and the whole thing pisses me off.

[117] It just enrages me. I see you having fun in comedy.

[118] I never had fun.

[119] It was always a stressful thing?

[120] It was stressful.

[121] People lost their lives in my day.

[122] Wow.

[123] We've lost many good people in comedy.

[124] and then you guys come along with your long hair and your jazz cigarettes and your cool approach and I just wanted to...

[125] Hey, what brand of cigarette is that?

[126] Oh, it's jazz.

[127] And that's jazz.

[128] Middle Distant Schwartz Company presents.

[129] Jazz flavored cigarettes.

[130] Come on, cigarettes, you know how.

[131] Badoop doop doop.

[132] And all that jazz.

[133] No, see, right?

[134] Now I'm laughing and you didn't put any effort into and you just had fun.

[135] And I don't like it.

[136] He's taking off his skin now.

[137] He's taking off his actual skin now.

[138] You're going to look at my skeleton and you're going to see how angry I am that you youngsters are improvising.

[139] Oh, old Conan Bones.

[140] I love Conan Bones.

[141] Conan Bones.

[142] Did you ever on your show have when you, instead of a stand -up, do you ever have a comedy act where it was an improviser or a sketch or something like that or not really?

[143] We never really had pure improv.

[144] It's funny because I'd like to clarify.

[145] something.

[146] I did come in hot, and I did come in fast and hard, and I went after you guys.

[147] I mean, you took off your goddamn skin.

[148] I took off my skin, and now I am a chattering Mr. Bone's skeleton.

[149] And...

[150] Little jangles over here.

[151] This is a pretty spooky podcast.

[152] It always says a job offer is coming in from Pirates of the Caribbean.

[153] Hey, all right.

[154] You best believe in ghost stories.

[155] Johnny D. You guys jealous much?

[156] Johnny D. Orlando B. Listen, you're going to, people are going to have to listen to this podcast several times to get all the references.

[157] It's pretty hard as they care of me. This is, yeah, this is the first podcast I've done so far where people are going to have to listen to it nine times.

[158] Yeah.

[159] With a Wikipedia page open.

[160] Duos are make -em -up fellows on the, on the show.

[161] Well, no, what I was going to say is that we have the, from the late night show, all through the years, the different incarnations of 25 years of what's pretty much acknowledged to be foolish, bullshittery, the improvisational part was always in the interviews.

[162] We never did, I don't think, pure improv on the show because I always had this feeling that I started out in improv.

[163] I mean, as a performer, I started out in improv.

[164] Yeah, I started out...

[165] What was your improv team?

[166] That sounded aggressive and questioning like a police detective.

[167] Well, it's probably like Toast Monkey or something.

[168] Oh, I bet no, you were in Harvard, weren't you?

[169] So that would be your improv team?

[170] No, no, I didn't do improv.

[171] there.

[172] I didn't do improv there.

[173] I did, when I first came out to LA in 1985, I immediately wanted to do improv.

[174] I knew that that's what I wanted to do.

[175] And this is back when people were doing improv, but it wasn't, I knew that I wanted, like with a guy who's like, okay, we're going to play this game.

[176] Yes.

[177] And I, and I, so I went in LA, it was the groundlings.

[178] So the first thing I did was called the Groundlings.

[179] They said, no, we're full up.

[180] And I, and I, and I, right now for classes, and I said, well, I really want to get started.

[181] And they said, okay, there's a class you can take, a woman named Cynthia Sagetti.

[182] She teaches it at the old Coronet Theater.

[183] Yeah, that's, we perform at Largo there now.

[184] Yes, and now it's Largo, but there's a little tiny room across the alleyway, and she said, and they said, this woman, Cynthia Segetti teaches a class there, and you literally go in and put, like, a $20 bill in a jar.

[185] I love it.

[186] And you go into the, and you go into this room and I went into the room.

[187] There was a class of people.

[188] Some were doing it.

[189] I mean, one woman, I'm not kidding, was doing the improv.

[190] She was an older woman who had had a stroke and her doctor had told her this would be good physical therapy for you.

[191] God, that's comedy gold.

[192] I'm sorry, but that's great.

[193] And she was doing it.

[194] And she, you know, God bless her, she would get up there and she would do scenes.

[195] But that was the caliber of you had her and then at the other end of the spectrum, a young woman who's also just fresh out of college, like myself, who immediately I thought, man, she's good, Lisa Kudrow.

[196] Oh, wow.

[197] And we became friends in that class, and then we both used to talk about, yes, we used to kiss.

[198] Did you guys kiss?

[199] Well, we kissed, first of all, the old lady and I were seeing each other.

[200] Of course.

[201] Because that was also part of her physical therapy.

[202] Oh, you still got it, dude.

[203] You still got it.

[204] You know what?

[205] Is that what you guys came to see today?

[206] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[207] I want to see you shoot it out of the gun.

[208] Right out of that big old gun.

[209] All right.

[210] Let's, you know, let's settle down, fellas.

[211] You know, because, again, you're having fun with comedy and you're young, and it's getting me pissed.

[212] We're just trying to have a good time.

[213] Well, that's not, damn it, that's not the point of this.

[214] Right.

[215] The point of this is to suffer, make choices, and then regret them.

[216] That's true.

[217] Comedy should be hard and arduous.

[218] Yes, exactly.

[219] Exactly.

[220] There are people who say that.

[221] Like my wedding night.

[222] Oh, boy.

[223] I don't think the audience has heard this character yet.

[224] This is a character I do who's just awful.

[225] And he makes awful jokes.

[226] I love him.

[227] And I don't have a name for him.

[228] And that's why you improvises will come up with one.

[229] Oh, we think of incredible names.

[230] Yeah, yeah.

[231] I was thinking like Blodney Crangerfield.

[232] What is it?

[233] Blodney Blangerfield.

[234] What is it?

[235] I don't know.

[236] Crotney Blangerfield?

[237] I don't know.

[238] Crodney.

[239] What are you doing?

[240] Get off the stage, Crodney.

[241] Yeah, I'll get off the stage when.

[242] I have stage four cancer.

[243] Oh my God, crying.

[244] You lost the whole audience, crying.

[245] We're leaving.

[246] Yeah, fuck them, man. He needs his own adult swim show.

[247] I can see him getting 11 minutes.

[248] Keep it in the 11 -minute format.

[249] Boom.

[250] So anyway, back to my story, which everyone wants to hear.

[251] You and Lisa Kudrow?

[252] No, we would do improv together.

[253] Was it short form or long form?

[254] Was it like a little game?

[255] It's got a little game.

[256] We tried, no, no, we tried all kinds of things.

[257] And I went through the experience of, you know, we did groundings classes, but we also experimented and joined other groups.

[258] We joined one group that performed in the basement of the Scientology Center.

[259] And so our group had nothing to do with the Scientology Center, but they rented out their theater to us.

[260] So people that came to see our show, we'd say, come see us at the Scientology Center.

[261] And so many people thought that we were trying to get them to join Scientology.

[262] But we weren't.

[263] We were just saying, look, that's your choice, but this is where we're doing our show.

[264] Admission is free, but you did have to get your mitochondorians registered.

[265] Yes, exactly.

[266] Absolutely.

[267] But anyway, I started out in improv.

[268] I love messing around with other comedy people and playing.

[269] But when it came to the show, I always thought, because my background was as a writer, we got to stop.

[270] Stop goofing around.

[271] Goofing around.

[272] Well, no, goof around, get the good stuff, but then sit down and write it and go through.

[273] the part of making it presentable and ready for television.

[274] So when you do your sketches, though, are they word perfect?

[275] Is it like exactly what you and your writing team wrote back in the day, late night or even now?

[276] Yeah, they were always pretty much...

[277] You'd do exactly what the cue cards were kind of.

[278] Yes, because sometimes when they would get really conceptual, we wanted...

[279] I always wanted it to reflect what the writer came up with.

[280] You sorkened it.

[281] Sorkened it, yes.

[282] We, uh, and so I would still improv in front of an audience, um, scares the shit out of me. Gives and it does.

[283] It, it, it, it, it, I've had to, recently a friend of mine who I did improv with way back in the day, a really funny guy, Mike Castagnola, he passed and we had, uh, sort of a memorial show for him, and they asked me to come and perform at it.

[284] And I was in the alley about to go on and play improv games in front of an audience, and I was petrified.

[285] I was much more, and I've done scary things in show.

[286] business, but I was just, I was right back to 1985, 86, 87, and scared out of my mind about doing improv.

[287] It's crazy.

[288] I have the opposite experience.

[289] Whenever I go up, uh, the odd few times, I'll go up and do stand -up.

[290] I'm just, I'm like, this is, why do I do this to myself?

[291] Stand -up seems terrifying.

[292] I used to do stand at the beginning of my career, and it was far more terrifying to me than improv.

[293] But also an improv, when Thomas I are up on stage or even at the beginning, when you fail, you fail with somebody.

[294] You know what I mean?

[295] And so when you succeed.

[296] It matters who you're failing.

[297] With, like, they'll be, if I get thrust into a bunch of people I don't know, I'll be like, okay, I wonder how this thing, this thing's going to go.

[298] But I could probably go into just about any old situation where this, this fuck, this fucking tool.

[299] Jesus, Thomas, say something nice.

[300] He was gesturing to a Catholic bishop.

[301] Yes, there's a bishop behind a bishop in the middle of a service.

[302] But I love, in the middle of a service.

[303] Thanks, dude.

[304] What is that doing here?

[305] He works with the poor in Calcutta.

[306] I don't know why.

[307] Fuck.

[308] Threaten your lies, you pito.

[309] Oh, my God.

[310] But you know it's...

[311] Okay, that's nice.

[312] Yeah, peter.

[313] There he goes.

[314] We're all like pediolite.

[315] Great.

[316] The stuff that you drink when you have diarrhea.

[317] Don't do your fucking ads in the middle of our act.

[318] Crodney Dangerfield?

[319] It's Crodney Blangerfield, you.

[320] I don't want to get sued by the Dangerfield people.

[321] You're on a thin line.

[322] You're on a thin line of getting sued.

[323] If we stick to Blangerfield and don't mention Dangerfield, yeah.

[324] No worries about a lawyer, she.

[325] Your accent is totally different than it was at the beginning, Rod.

[326] That's because I've had several strokes.

[327] Another stroke since?

[328] Yeah.

[329] Oh my God.

[330] I'm rapidly deteriorating due to an occlusion.

[331] I like to, I like getting this glimpse into seeing what Conan thinks improv is.

[332] Come on, aren't we having fun?

[333] Sure, I think I could do it.

[334] Let me see here.

[335] You know, I've always wanted to, I've always really liked the idea of me being a guy who is, on stage, like you two are brilliant improvisers.

[336] You're up there.

[337] You're doing this brilliant improv and I come out and I'm just angered.

[338] Angered by it and I'm like, now stop it.

[339] Now no, no turning into it.

[340] You're not going to turn into a cowboy and you're not going to turn into a horse.

[341] This isn't a doctor's office then.

[342] This is a stage you're making it up on the spot.

[343] It makes no sense.

[344] You have a candle and a big nightgown.

[345] Yeah.

[346] This is not comedy as I've come to know it.

[347] Now, I'll do the setup and then you do the joke about Trump and that will be that.

[348] this improv thing is it is like an elusive medium I would say and I get why you know like writing comedy and sketch you know and a lot of sketches very influential for me and obviously when you're producing a television show or something of that nature you can look at the script you can preview it you can kind of like you have a sense of what it's going to be like and actually it's the quest that Ben and I are on is somehow like how are we going to how are we do on stage and translate it through a screen.

[349] Whenever we do shows, we make a big point of there's no photography, no recording.

[350] Right.

[351] Because we want people to have an experience in the moment and also the idea is that this show will only exist for this show.

[352] Yes.

[353] No other character, no other joke.

[354] It's just, so we're going to have someone together, which is such a special and fun feeling.

[355] The audience, I feel like enjoys it.

[356] But then now that we're like, hey, we should try to make a special.

[357] And someone's like, well, what is it?

[358] We're like, well, we literally have zero footage of it.

[359] Yeah.

[360] I think that's, uh, I applaud that.

[361] I think it's very cool that you hesitate to use the word because it sounds too highfalutin, but sacred, you know, it is, if you wall off the experience and say, this is happening right now and it's totally about you two working off of each other, that's a beautiful thing.

[362] I think that's great.

[363] But we, I guess we should say what we kind of do.

[364] We get a, Thomas, will Thomas will ask a question to the crowd, and it'll be a real question and we say at the beginning, don't make a joke out of it.

[365] So one of the questions...

[366] We'll have like follow -up answer.

[367] Yes.

[368] One of the questions, what's the one that we've used more than once?

[369] So what do you, what's something coming up in the near future that you're either excited about or dreading or nervous about?

[370] And so someone will say, you know, marriage or who knows what they'll say.

[371] Then we get into context of what that means for them, why they're nervous, where they're from, we learn.

[372] And then then we talk to the audience just to get them comfortable.

[373] And then we start, we say, okay, guys, now here comes the show.

[374] Nobody talks for the rest of the show.

[375] And then for an hour, we make up everything.

[376] There's nobody else.

[377] And what we do is we have one story throughout.

[378] There's no edits.

[379] It's not short form anything.

[380] It's just there's no edits.

[381] Yeah.

[382] I don't know.

[383] Yeah.

[384] I was looking at you because you made eyes at me like, now I will speak.

[385] And I was looking at you, and you froze like an elk in front of a semi.

[386] It's social cues.

[387] They're tough sometimes.

[388] Okay.

[389] There's a bunch of premises that I agree with.

[390] Like doctor -patient and like first date.

[391] You know, I was really going someplace profound.

[392] Oh, man, say it to me, say it to me. No, no, no, because, you know, Middle Ditch is so desperate for a laugh.

[393] I got a couple of goofs, if you want.

[394] You know, no, that's not what I'm about.

[395] I've never been about jokes and bits.

[396] Conan, your dick is out.

[397] Is that what that is?

[398] Whoa.

[399] I thought the fire department left a hoseback.

[400] He's back, baby!

[401] That's right, my name's Blodney Blangerfield.

[402] Are you sure?

[403] Are you sure that sure?

[404] I'm not sure.

[405] I don't even sound like I did when the podcast started.

[406] Now there's a slur.

[407] I really think I'm dying.

[408] Say your point.

[409] The point is, I have at times been in improv situations where I thought the audience was being overly generous and it bothered me because there's something implied sometimes in certain improv situations where the audience is being really supportive, like almost overly supportive.

[410] and people will make a choice that isn't that funny or there's not productive and people are like, no, we just, you're making it up and we really appreciate it.

[411] And that, I am a self -loathing sort, that would bother me. It would bother me when I thought the audience was there to help us through this journey as opposed to, because I don't know, I felt that it hits some nerve with me that just wants probably things to be difficult.

[412] No, I know what you mean.

[413] earn it.

[414] I think you, I definitely see that a lot with kind of like, what do I want to say, like younger shows, like people who are kind of early on in their, in their improv, because you're, you need, you want to be supportive, like half the people in the crowd are like, maybe your classmates.

[415] That's a cliche is, yes, when sometimes is when people are doing improv, half the crowd is friends that are there to bolster them.

[416] Yeah.

[417] Yeah.

[418] And they're just, like the mattress.

[419] And they're encouraged.

[420] And maybe.

[421] It's a great mattress.

[422] But I will talk about that later.

[423] Should we talk about that?

[424] That's an ad.

[425] No, no, no. You know, speaking of ads, I should take a quick break.

[426] Yeah, yeah.

[427] Let's talk about it.

[428] You should, but will you?

[429] Yes, I will.

[430] Oh, of course.

[431] It's time for this segment Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[432] Yep, but I'm chipping away at it.

[433] It's nice you enlisted all of our help to help you pay off the mortgage on your beach house.

[434] Oh, please, don't tell me you're not getting a little something out of this.

[435] I don't have a beach house.

[436] Yeah, I don't have a beach house.

[437] You don't either, right, Matt?

[438] Yeah.

[439] Well, this is getting awkward.

[440] Yeah.

[441] There's a very powerful movement in America right now to go after people that have a beach house and take it from them, give it to the masses.

[442] Maybe that's what I'll do.

[443] I might donate it.

[444] Listen.

[445] To me and Matt?

[446] Yeah.

[447] No, I'll see to it that you never get it.

[448] What?

[449] So anyway, here we go.

[450] We're back.

[451] I'm here with the Middle Ditch and Schwartz.

[452] terrible, terrible lawyers.

[453] Can I say something to what you were saying, when you're saying when you're almost like the audience was kind of on your side too much at the beginning, I do a show which Thomas has done with many times called Snow Pants, and what we'll do is it'll be a bunch of improvisers, and then one person who's never done improv before but is many times a big celebrity.

[454] Connor?

[455] Oh, you could, of course, do it whenever you want.

[456] We do it for charity.

[457] Like big celebrity?

[458] Like JJ Abrams did it, and like Jane Fonda, Blake Griffin did it and all these people did it.

[459] Those are B -listers.

[460] Of course, yeah, I'm sorry.

[461] Conan O 'Brien would want to do it.

[462] I think of JJ and we're friends, and I just want to get that out there.

[463] But I think of him as a behind -the -camera guy.

[464] Of course.

[465] So that puts him on a B -list.

[466] Yeah.

[467] Yeah, of course.

[468] Well, like, Letterman, Leno, they all done it.

[469] Yeah, Colbert did it.

[470] Corrin did it.

[471] You know what?

[472] I know for a fact, Letterman and Leno love improv.

[473] They love it.

[474] What they love is getting out to a situation where it's just no jokes.

[475] and you just go, you just feel it out in the moment, they live for it.

[476] Yeah, I was lucky enough to do both of those shows as a guest, and I think you are absolutely correct that it was just, they were, they were just like, before both interviews, they came out to me and they said, you know what, let's just fucking throw out the questions and do whatever you want to do.

[477] I was like, really, David, really?

[478] Yeah, let's just expose our, let's just, you know, just play it loose.

[479] See what happens.

[480] Let's not write our jokes.

[481] Am I really a joke guy?

[482] Your Letterman is really weird.

[483] This is Letterman when he's had some helium.

[484] And he's been crushed, he's been crushed in a car accident.

[485] Oh, no. He's really, yeah.

[486] Well, anyway, I'm David Letterman.

[487] So when those celebrities come out, the audience, because we also introduce it when we do the show, we introduce it that this person never did improv before.

[488] You know, and they're with people who have been doing it for 20 years.

[489] They will get laughs just for the attempt at the beginning.

[490] But, and I think that goes to what your point is, especially if you go on stage because, you know, you've been doing it.

[491] doing this for a long time and people want to laugh and they're rooting for you.

[492] But I will say after that first six, seven minutes, then it's, they're on their own.

[493] Then it's like that.

[494] This is what, you just brought up something that I find to be actually very refreshing.

[495] I have found over the years and years and years that I've been doing television that when a big celebrity does a surprise walk on, there is two minutes of yay, yay, yay, and grace period.

[496] After that, they're judged on their performance.

[497] And I find that to be kind of beautiful.

[498] Yeah.

[499] I mean, I've had the luxury of being able to interview some of the biggest stars in the world and they come out and people are like, oh my God, this is amazing.

[500] But then audiences, and any, this is just any audience.

[501] This is an audience that waited in line in New York City or Burbank and they come in and oh my God, there they are.

[502] If that's massive celebrity then starts to betray that they're egotistical or that they're out of touch or if they start to kind of drift or bore people, audience checks out.

[503] And I've always said, I kind of love that, that there is a great democratic leveling that happens when people, and if I walked out in one of your shows, I think there'd be a brief moment of, oh my God, it's him, and oh my God, what a body.

[504] You know, you don't see it because he's sitting down a lot.

[505] A applause break for the body.

[506] And, you know, he is the best.

[507] comic ever and people just shitting their pants that would probably go on for 40 minutes well then cleaning up the shit that'll take another 15 it doesn't take that long if you use uh uh high power hose wait for the ad part high power hose what don't we talk about my cock again you're sammy davis junior now i know i'm bodney blinger oh you're bodney now i can't remember what i laid out before now it's sad now it's sad he's losing his memory your whole left arm is just frozen now Am I in comedy?

[508] He's on the ground.

[509] Thomas, get the defibrillator.

[510] I can't, yes, and.

[511] Clear.

[512] Ah.

[513] We all wanted it.

[514] We all wanted it.

[515] No, I'm better, and I don't like jokes anymore.

[516] I just want to find it naturally through improv.

[517] Oh, there you go.

[518] Have a good day.

[519] Walk through these banana peels real quick on your way out.

[520] Make sure not to slow it.

[521] Whoa!

[522] I did my own sound effects.

[523] No, I can't remember what we were talking.

[524] I think the show is yours to win and after it's yours to lose.

[525] And we want people to leave and be like, wow, you know, like, I can't believe they made that up on the spot, but also like, oh, I want to do that.

[526] That looks like, when I saw Longford for the first time, I was like, I want to do that so bad.

[527] I don't want to inspire anyone.

[528] There's enough.

[529] There's enough people doing improv.

[530] You're right.

[531] But you know what?

[532] There aren't enough of podcasts.

[533] My man. Which is why I got into this game.

[534] Hey, congrats, by the way.

[535] Oh, thanks a lot.

[536] Yeah.

[537] Top podcast.

[538] Yeah.

[539] I heard you guys beat Oprah.

[540] everybody's talking about it yeah everyone downstairs was like hey here we beat Oprah you know what every in every endeavor that I've attempted in my life I've beaten Oprah every single one yes I came out with an ag a magazine called C oh yeah destroyed oh that's incredible yeah you came out with the color orange instead of the color purple that really crushed yeah I did and that movie won twice as many Oscars are you serious yep I must have missed the Oscar a lot of stuff is happening in my imagination where I beat Oprah yeah oh wow I had a daytime talk show I'm listening and it was the most watched talk show of all time by women.

[541] What was it called?

[542] It was called Conan.

[543] Are you sure?

[544] Yeah.

[545] Daytime Conan.

[546] You know, some of the guests.

[547] We actually have Oprah here.

[548] Can we bring her in?

[549] I'd rather you did.

[550] Are you sure?

[551] We have Oprah right here.

[552] Did's not doing Oprah in front.

[553] I'd rather you did it.

[554] We'll do that also when there's a I'd rather Oprah not come in and confront me about these facts because, no, but you know, it's very interesting to me. There's not doing Oprah.

[555] Yeah.

[556] There's something, there's, there's something I'll say, of you from yourselves.

[557] Yes.

[558] I have noticed something over the years.

[559] It's something actually that I think I first noticed with Johnny Carson, who I know is, you know, he was this guy that I would watch.

[560] It's ridiculous now that I explain to younger people about Johnny Carson.

[561] Johnny C. Johnny C. When I say, oh my God, the legend, Carson, they think I'm talking about Carson Daily.

[562] Oh, wow.

[563] It would be from Last Call.

[564] Yeah, exactly.

[565] And that's your hero.

[566] He is, actually.

[567] I patterned everything I've done on Carson Daily.

[568] but Johnny Carson I used to notice on his best of reels when he would or best of compilations most of it was not written sketches most of it was him playing in the moment it was him toying in a moment with something that had gone wrong so there had been a mistake something had gone off the rails a guest had misspoken or famously someone threw the tomahawk and it hit the crotch accidentally, which is, you know, the iconic talk show mistake of all time.

[569] And the guy went to remove it and Johnny stopped him and just soaked up the applause because when the Tomahawk hit the silhouette, it looked like suddenly the silhouette had an erect penis.

[570] And this is in like 1963.

[571] And Johnny stopped him and said, welcome to Frontier Briss.

[572] And it was like this massive, like one of the biggest laughs in TV history for like 20 years.

[573] It was a mistake.

[574] And he played in the moment.

[575] and I've always noticed that my favorite moments on the late night show are mistakes.

[576] It's always been someone misspeaks, someone, something goes off the rails and you acknowledge it and you play with it and audiences sense it.

[577] I really do think humans know when something is not artificial.

[578] I don't know how they know the difference, but they know the difference.

[579] I also think that's why on talk shows why I was a page for Letterman and that's why you had like Jack Hanon all the time because you never knew what the fuck those animals were going to do and you knew you were going to get a moment that's like oh no what's happening what's going to happen you know what i mean that's silly monkey yeah well sona you can speak to this hi sona hi sona came with me when i did this i'm still here hi no that's better that's the voice we know hey sona have you met bladney blanger no no no no no please don't i've actually met him before in the office a few times And she doesn't mean the TV show the office.

[580] Oh, no, he's sick again.

[581] We weren't confused.

[582] We weren't confused.

[583] No, but Sony, you'll speak to this.

[584] I decided to do this stand -up tour with a lot of stand -up comedians that I really like that had been on my show.

[585] And during the period of time when we were changing our show format, I went out on the road.

[586] And for the first time in my life, I developed an act.

[587] I had ideas of different things that I would do, and I popped up in different clubs and tried it out.

[588] But here's what was interesting to me. I had this act that was working, you know?

[589] It did what it needed to do, and it was very autobiographical.

[590] It was about me, but I knew where the laughs were.

[591] But what happened is I would do the act, and that was fine.

[592] And then at the end, on the spur of the moment, the first night of the show, I think in Washington, D .C., I decided to just take questions from the audience and that turned into for me anyway the highlight and I started to feel a little bit like yeah I'm gonna go out and do the act you know this is after we did 18 cities I think we did almost 20 20 shows or something in 18 cities I think after a while I started to feel like I'll go do the act and that's fine but I was really looking forward to the happening that was the Q &A because it would get out of control people would get up and say I don't like my boss and I would say get him on the phone and we could play you could play I could play I could play I could could play and I and and people could see the difference yeah they could smell the difference that Conan's really playing now and it's not that they didn't like the act but I felt the sort of purity the joie de vivre if you will yeah I think I think that also has a lot to do and this goes along with your improv it has a lot to do with using people in the audience who aren't involved in your act but are just you know they're there's pure moments where they're just real people who are asking questions.

[593] It's real people who you're getting information from.

[594] Automatically, you have a connection to the audience because you're incorporating them.

[595] Yeah.

[596] Humans like to watch humans, like figure it out.

[597] Yes, they like, you know, Lauren Michaels said once, um, get out of my office.

[598] Yeah, get out of my office.

[599] That's my wallet.

[600] No, Lauren Michael said to me once, I think I had had a guest who was difficult and, you know, I was there.

[601] This is, you know, probably like 1995.

[602] You got to understand, 95.

[603] Oh, God.

[604] I know.

[605] She's Hamilton hadn't been invented yet.

[606] Yeah.

[607] Actually, this is before Alexander Hamilton was born.

[608] Wow.

[609] So we still have a ton of time.

[610] Yeah.

[611] The musical was out and no one understood it.

[612] Oh, they wrote the musical before.

[613] Oh, yeah.

[614] Oh, yeah.

[615] No, Hamilton was born to justify the musical.

[616] Are you serious?

[617] The musical was written in 1685?

[618] Was he a bastard or not really?

[619] He did all those things.

[620] He had parents, but he had to kill them.

[621] He had to justify the play.

[622] Yeah, because he's a stem.

[623] He's a stem cell kid.

[624] I had no idea.

[625] Yeah, they grew him.

[626] Oh, okay.

[627] But he told me once, I had a really difficult guest, and Lawrence said, people like to watch you work.

[628] And I thought, that's interesting.

[629] They do.

[630] People could identify with me. I'm there with the difficult guest.

[631] I'm trying.

[632] I keep rolling up my sleeves and jumping back in and trying.

[633] And they appreciated seeing someone who they knew.

[634] Yeah.

[635] working in the moment to try and, and failing, but trying.

[636] And I think...

[637] It's also different from what they're used to.

[638] They probably see you do these interviews in a particular way, and they see that it's going differently so that, you know what I mean?

[639] They can watch as you're trying to pull it back on track.

[640] Yes.

[641] And so those became, some of those became, I mean, I learned to appreciate mistakes.

[642] These are all things I realize I learned in improv.

[643] I just had to relearn them on the late night show, which is be honest with the audience.

[644] Yep.

[645] I don't, if a joke doesn't work, I never pretend it does.

[646] If something happens in a moment, I acknowledge that it happened.

[647] And also, one of the first piece of advice that I got in improv is I, my teacher noticed I had a really quick mind, this woman, Cynthia Sagetti, and she was very important to me because I was doing really well in the class and always getting laughs.

[648] And she said that she wanted to talk to me after the class.

[649] And I thought, yeah, probably to give me a medal.

[650] for being the best improviser ever.

[651] I was getting, I was pretty cocky, 22 -year -old guy.

[652] And she said, don't think too much up there.

[653] You're letting your brain, you know, lead the way.

[654] Your writer's brain is getting in the way.

[655] You're planning too much.

[656] You're thinking too much.

[657] And I thought, this is not what I expected.

[658] Right.

[659] I thought I was going to be rewarded for my strength.

[660] And it's the whole yin -yang in improv and in comedy.

[661] If you're thinking too much and you're trying to be too clever, you lose.

[662] Just as much as if you're, you know.

[663] That's literally the mantra of a home that we spent some time at with UCB.

[664] Yes, don't think.

[665] Well, you know, one of the things that really I was envious of...

[666] There you go, Amy.

[667] Free plug.

[668] Wow.

[669] Is Polar listening to this right now?

[670] Amy Polar, the first thing I do when we finish the podcast is we put it on a wax cylinder.

[671] Are you serious?

[672] And we have someone take it to her house so she can listen to it.

[673] That's crazy.

[674] Yeah, and it's all the UCB people.

[675] Not just Dame.

[676] Bezzer, Ian Roberts.

[677] All of them.

[678] But one of the things that, first of all, as a plug to UCB, one of the things I'm internally grateful for is when we were doing the late -night show, all those improvisers were in New York, the UCB people.

[679] And we used them to perform the comedy on the show.

[680] And we always had this just great luck.

[681] Oh, my God, wait a minute.

[682] Amy Poehler was playing Andy's sister.

[683] Ian, Besser, Walsh, all these people would come in at the drop of a hat and do these amazing performances for us.

[684] And I'm realizing we just happened to be at the right place at the right time.

[685] Right.

[686] And your writing staff was composed of probably half improvisers too, because Stack and McCann and Gazer.

[687] All the, we always had great improvisers and still do on staff, but our secret weapon in my career has always been working with great improvisers.

[688] And I started this all to say that UCB, for example, I was a little envious that that didn't exist when I came out to L .A. I remember feeling a little jealous.

[689] Like, UCB, I was just jealous that it wasn't around.

[690] And because I think their approach to improv is very pure.

[691] And I, and I, I think they have the correct philosophy.

[692] Yeah.

[693] There's a funny, because I have a lot of admiration for both forms.

[694] We got to call it, which one's better in the end?

[695] You'll tell us at the end.

[696] But I've had improv friends roll their eyes and say, oh my God, stand up.

[697] I can't bear it.

[698] I can't watch someone do their act.

[699] I can't.

[700] And I've also had standups sort of say, oh, you know, making it up as you go along.

[701] How about crafting it ahead of time?

[702] And I, it's interesting how there's a little bit of a, maybe an unspoken Hatfield -McCoy, you know, a feud between the two.

[703] We've never performed a show at a stand -up theater.

[704] Like someone, I literally met someone from that worked at a laugh factory and they're like, oh, have you ever been?

[705] I was like, it's weird.

[706] I've never been to Laugh Factory, the Improv, Comedy Store, any of them.

[707] But we've done UCB and, well, I don't do stand -up.

[708] Just give it a try.

[709] Yeah, I did at the beginning.

[710] But, and then for improvisers, there's some stand -up shows, but it's very rare that you get a mix of one show that's both.

[711] And it's weird.

[712] And also, by the way, if you do the groundlings track and we're doing, and I'm doing the UCB track, we might never meet each other.

[713] Like, I'm meeting improvisers now that we came up at the same time.

[714] But because we did different theaters, I never even met them before.

[715] Right.

[716] And they're great.

[717] Well, I love your approach.

[718] And I am very confident that if any two people can crack long form as a TV show.

[719] I really honestly, no joking around, think you guys can do it.

[720] I also think this is a great time, very great time in broadcasting because there is so much content out there that I think, and with the Netflix of it all and the total expansion of available platforms, and I even, I hate the word platforms, but I'm saying it.

[721] Media platform outlet.

[722] Media platform outlet, integration, Here comes the bishop again.

[723] Insemination.

[724] did someone say in...

[725] Fuck and shit.

[726] He's back!

[727] Stay under the table, dude.

[728] Yeah, if I'm under the table, I know what I'm doing.

[729] I don't know why I set you up.

[730] Yeah.

[731] It was your crotch because of a blow job.

[732] What?

[733] We get the joke.

[734] You're under the table blowing one of us.

[735] Yeah.

[736] Why'd you make...

[737] I was worried you got.

[738] I just didn't get it without an attention.

[739] We got it.

[740] So I laid out more information.

[741] Why are you picking your nose?

[742] Because I'm...

[743] Oh, no, he's gone again.

[744] Get the defibrillator.

[745] He's been past, get him, get him, get him.

[746] No. Let him die.

[747] Let him die.

[748] Any last words?

[749] It's his time.

[750] Oh, he brought his own heart monitor.

[751] Yes, own heart monitor.

[752] Later.

[753] Later in heaven.

[754] We cut to.

[755] We cut to heaven.

[756] Hey, I'm up in heaven now.

[757] Yeah.

[758] We're the brage, yeah Okay, go back, later in hell And welcome to hell Oh, that's the devil Hey, it's me, Johnny Devil Oh, Johnny Devil So it's just a coincidence that your last name is devil Yes, I'm not the man who runs this place You married into it?

[759] I'm married into it, I think I'm doing a pretty good job I don't tell you where everything is You sir, you just came down from heaven, huh?

[760] Yeah, they didn't like me there because they say I lay out too much information with my jokes.

[761] Later, back on earth.

[762] And clear.

[763] I'm back.

[764] No. Hell didn't want me. Fuck that.

[765] I told you it wasn't enough time.

[766] Yeah, they said I lay out too much information from my show.

[767] Jesus Christ.

[768] So I guess now I live forever.

[769] Speaking of living forever, that's what it feels like to be married to my wife.

[770] Beez.

[771] Hey, why are you making that noise?

[772] I just took apart what you laid out.

[773] Okay, listen.

[774] To pay you to a compliment, And I'm delighted that you two are in the world and being so damn funny.

[775] And I mean, it's crazy.

[776] You're playing Carnegie Hall.

[777] You're going to do long -form improv at Carnegie Hall.

[778] It's crazy.

[779] That is a testament to what you two are doing and you're on the right track.

[780] Yeah, I would be honored to jump on stage and ruin your rhythm at any time, you know?

[781] Would be a dream.

[782] Seriously.

[783] That means so much coming from you.

[784] It means quite a bit.

[785] Well, I think we're going to end this podcast right now.

[786] Actually, I say we're going for a cool 30 more.

[787] Cool 30?

[788] I think so, too.

[789] But as prospectors who have wheels for feet.

[790] Bad burn it, I can't get up this hill because my feet are wheel.

[791] How am I going to pan for gold if I can't get up no hill?

[792] Daddy, mommy, I can't get up the hill because of my feet to put weight.

[793] Yep, three prospectors with feet.

[794] as well.

[795] Yep.

[796] And curtain.

[797] Don't you wish a curtain would actually come down?

[798] A heavy one that's squeaky too.

[799] Bang!

[800] Yeah, and it does would come up.

[801] And there's always this stage manner of, I decide, like, a tech guy used to know.

[802] God, Jesus, ready.

[803] I told you, like, getting mad on the earpiece.

[804] I'm getting, get us, can someone get us, Sona, make sure Gourley isn't here today, but make sure that we get a big old curtain here for the podcast.

[805] Oh, that's great.

[806] We can have it come crashing down at the end.

[807] That's going to be money well spent Something no one will ever see A visual gag for a podcast Guys, thank you very much for being here You can't see it but I'm shaking their hands What a good hand, oh terrible handshake But what a fun time It was too far away It was too far away This was a pleasure Thomas, now you say something I think it served its purpose Oh, five Shit, what a tool He did great Peace out Ew, no Make it end in a real way At least say, like, one love or jaw rule.

[808] Don't take peace out.

[809] Middle Ditch and Schwartz.

[810] That was that.

[811] Perfect.

[812] Yikes.

[813] Yikes.

[814] And now it's time for a segment called Coner O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[815] Hey, let's get to some voicemails, huh?

[816] Talk to the people.

[817] This next one is from Stephanie.

[818] Hi, Conan.

[819] This is Stephanie in Atlanta.

[820] I was just wondering, since you have so many celebrities in your phone, Are they listed under their real names or do you have special code names for them?

[821] And if so, what are they?

[822] Thanks.

[823] That's an excellent question, Stephanie.

[824] The answer is I do use code names.

[825] I am very responsible.

[826] So if my phone were ever stolen or misplaced, I have code names so that people can't then look up that celebrity because I believe in that.

[827] So Jennifer Aniston is listed as Sally Chipchop.

[828] But then are there emails like...

[829] Excuse me, I'm not...

[830] I'm not done yet.

[831] Who's Tom Hanks?

[832] Tom Hanks is Ronan cornstarch.

[833] I take these things very seriously, and I'm just trusting listeners out there not to remember that these names just would disregard them.

[834] But I'm good friends with Sean Connery, as you know, Sona.

[835] Yes.

[836] And he is Lord Shits with a Z. and but you know what he calls all the time and it just comes up Lord Schitts.

[837] But I know that that's Sean Connery who loves to get himself, he loves him some scotch and he loves to, and of course he's often in Scotland and he's calling it a different time.

[838] Okay.

[839] But Sally Fields is Henrietta Dabbada.

[840] Dame Judy Dinch.

[841] I call her Dens.

[842] Denshalababa.

[843] Taylor Swift is Lieutenant Colonel Charles Schaefer.

[844] Do you have any politicians like, let's say, Kamala Harris?

[845] Yeah, she's in as Lady Gaga.

[846] Now, see, that seems like someone might think that's Lady Gaga and call, yeah, but they'll call Lady Gaga.

[847] And when Kamala Harris answers, it'll be kind of a weird conversation.

[848] So that one, I love you when a star was born.

[849] She'll be like, what?

[850] I'm trying to run for president.

[851] And they'll say, run for president.

[852] Aren't you satisfied with the Oscar win?

[853] And it'll just be a really cool conversation.

[854] And I do have a lot of celebrity friends, probably more than other celebrities.

[855] Oh.

[856] I'm very friendly, and I'm an influencer.

[857] Okay.

[858] Well, I do.

[859] I have a podcast.

[860] I have a television show.

[861] I have some properties, various properties.

[862] Okay.

[863] I think I'm an influencer.

[864] I'm in charge.

[865] of your contacts like I help organize that I don't let you I do not let you near these okay to be honest with you I do not let you near these oh okay because I don't see any celebrities in in the context that I have I do not want you to know my secret name for Sean Penn which is Wargar the Wonder Dog I don't want you knowing that do you see something like Wargar the Wonder Dog in his context no these are contacts that I keep separate from you because you, I just can't have you knowing this stuff.

[866] Okay.

[867] Do you know what I mean?

[868] Okay.

[869] You know that I hang out with a pretty cool crowd.

[870] Yeah.

[871] When I think cool, I think Conan O 'Brien.

[872] I don't want you knowing my secret name for Ice Cube.

[873] What is it?

[874] Ice T. You know, there is a rapper, an actor named Ice T. No, but he's, I thought he was just on Law & Order.

[875] Yeah, but he used to be a rapper.

[876] Well, didn't we all?

[877] Yeah, that's true.

[878] We did together, I think, the three of us?

[879] Yeah.

[880] What?

[881] We were good.

[882] We used to go to malls.

[883] Any others you want to tell us?

[884] That's a lot.

[885] Yeah.

[886] I mean, I've told you a lot.

[887] Okay, you don't have to.

[888] But.

[889] Try one.

[890] Presidential historian Dolores, Kearns Goodwin.

[891] Kearns Dolores.

[892] Ha, ha, bada.

[893] Everybody sounds a little Scandinavian or something.

[894] Vin Diesel.

[895] Oh, yeah.

[896] Oh, yes.

[897] Vice Admiral Stemowick.

[898] Venerable newsperson, Katie Couric.

[899] She's called Chiichum.

[900] Is there an origin to that one?

[901] When I was at NBC, she stole a chia pet from me. And then I forced her to buy me a new one, so I call her Chia Chum.

[902] Which one did she buy you?

[903] She got me, I think it was the Al Sharpton.

[904] Do you have him in your phone?

[905] He's Alice Longworth.

[906] You got to be responsible when you're a celebrity and you have celebrity friends.

[907] You have to be a responsible person.

[908] You can't be irresponsible, is what I'm saying, which is the opposite of responsibility.

[909] Do you think people have you in their phone and they give you a code name?

[910] You know, it's a really good question.

[911] I mean, every now and then I see someone's phone vibrate and it says sex machine on it.

[912] And I'll think, is that possibly a message that I left?

[913] But I don't know.

[914] I think we plumb the depths we found, find out a lot.

[915] Yeah.

[916] I really do seriously ask my listeners to show me and the celebrities that we've outed today to just, if you do find my phone, let's show some respect.

[917] right give them their privacy because people that go into show business to get their image out there desperately want their privacy yeah thank you Conan o 'brien needs a friend with sona moseccian and conan o 'brien as himself produced by me matt goarly executive produced by adam sax and jeff ross at team cocoa and Colin anderson and chris bannon at earwolf special thanks to jack white and the white stripes for the theme song incidental music by jimmy vivino show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[918] Got a question for Conan?

[919] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[920] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[921] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts are downloaded.

[922] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.

[923] I don't know.