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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVey, DeVey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Got to crank it all the way up.
[17] Crank it.
[18] You look like a little baby today.
[19] Do I?
[20] Yeah.
[21] Thank you.
[22] What's going on?
[23] Your face?
[24] Youth?
[25] Fuck, no. I looked at myself and I was like, I like an old.
[26] That's nice to hear.
[27] Thank you.
[28] You're welcome.
[29] I'm bloated, and so it's filling out on my wrinkles.
[30] I'm bloated and gross.
[31] And so, you know, how that fills out your wrinkles.
[32] It looks great.
[33] Thank you.
[34] The bloated gross look is really good on you.
[35] Drinking last night works well on you.
[36] Yeah.
[37] We started, right?
[38] Is this it?
[39] Yes.
[40] Oh, good.
[41] Is this the way?
[42] Thank you.
[43] I feel like sneak starts are our best way.
[44] Sneak starts and compliments.
[45] The best way to start anything.
[46] Were you in on me telling Georgia she looked like a baby?
[47] I was all there for it.
[48] Yeah.
[49] Great, okay.
[50] Great.
[51] Just so people know what I was talking about.
[52] Thank you.
[53] Yeah.
[54] They know that we're actually like nice.
[55] I don't know.
[56] I don't know why I'm having a fucking depressed day.
[57] So it was nice to start with telling me a lot.
[58] Thank you.
[59] That's right.
[60] Now you have to say something nice about me. Good luck.
[61] luck.
[62] Good luck.
[63] You look gorgeous.
[64] I did think when I walked in that you look pretty, your cheeks are really rosy, your skin is glowy.
[65] It's because I haven't left the house in days.
[66] So when I actually go out, I'm like, you guys, I'm out here.
[67] Your cells are like, what?
[68] Oh my God, outside.
[69] That's good.
[70] That's better.
[71] Be outside with people.
[72] Welcome to my favorite murder.
[73] I ate del Taco last night.
[74] Chili cheese fries.
[75] Did you, for real?
[76] Oh, because you drank and then you had some D .T. afterwards?
[77] Yeah, I didn't even drink that much, but it was Vince's birthday, and he was like, let's get Del Taco, and I just want to support him.
[78] You've got to.
[79] You know?
[80] Your husband is making you.
[81] All I made, all he ate was tacos, but I had fucking chili cheese fries.
[82] We got a lot of tweets from people who tell us, I had Del Taco for the first time.
[83] Right.
[84] Or like, you guys talk about it, and we wanted to know, we wanted it, because, like, that's your thing.
[85] Or what should I order?
[86] Right.
[87] We've gotten one said, or what should I order?
[88] I feel like we should tell, or I got to say, the chili cheese fries are fucking on point.
[89] will change your life at 2 a .m. Also, there's a, I like, there's just a plain old soft taco.
[90] I don't like soft tacos, but their regular tacos are good, for sure.
[91] Okay, fine.
[92] Also, yeah, they make crinkle cup fries, which is like so junior high cafeteria that it's really heartwarming.
[93] They're good.
[94] And they're guacamole if you dip, they're frenchrised of guacamole.
[95] Oh, yeah, you love that.
[96] There's April Richardson's name.
[97] We're sitting at the Earwolf Midrural Studios right now for the very first time.
[98] Oh, my God.
[99] We are here in, we're at the midroll.
[100] Well, they really are the Earwolf studios where there's so many of your favorite podcasts get recorded.
[101] Yeah.
[102] And there's a table.
[103] Nerd poker.
[104] A Hollywood Handbook.
[105] Who charted?
[106] One of my favorites.
[107] Who charted?
[108] Everything is here.
[109] It's here.
[110] We're sitting at, they have this big, like, wooden table where you were, court and everyone writes their name when they're here.
[111] And so there's all these, I see April Richardson right there.
[112] Paul Tompkins right there.
[113] Who else is there?
[114] Thomas Middletch I saw over here.
[115] Ronan Beverly right here.
[116] Just we, you know, sure we could just be naming names off the top of our head, but trust us.
[117] It's the names we're looking at at this table.
[118] Promise.
[119] And then I just wrote SSDGM right here.
[120] Oh, did you?
[121] I did.
[122] I didn't want to write our names.
[123] I thought that might look dumb, but.
[124] I mean, there's a lot of self -consciousness on this table.
[125] You can really see it.
[126] There's people who made, who made big swings, who made very bold choices of drawing pictures or really trying to make a statement.
[127] Other people just put their name on here.
[128] Anyhow, goodbye.
[129] Anyways, oh yeah, you already said, but this is my favorite murder.
[130] The minisode.
[131] That's Karen Kilgiriff.
[132] That is Georgia Hardster.
[133] Hi.
[134] Hi.
[135] So this is where we redo your hometown murders that you send us at my favorite murder.
[136] I think this is going to be really distracting for me this table.
[137] I can tell.
[138] Look into my eyes.
[139] I know.
[140] I'm like, I am going to.
[141] going to.
[142] I'm going to demand that they put like a cheap tablecloth down whenever we're going to record here.
[143] Because basically you just have to see who's there.
[144] Hey, look.
[145] Jason Sclar.
[146] It's just like really, it's really distracting.
[147] It is.
[148] I'm not going to look at it anymore.
[149] Okay, good.
[150] So we redo your minisodes that you go, or no. That you send us.
[151] We redo your hometown murders that you send us.
[152] That's right.
[153] Although if you want to type up a minisode, the way it should be done, or obviously we're open to it.
[154] Yeah.
[155] Do you want to go?
[156] Actually, can I start with this one, the like, girl, this is, so we got a letter in the mail at our PO box and old school.
[157] Old school.
[158] And there's a piece of lined, you know, regular three line paper, three ring line paper.
[159] You got it.
[160] There we go.
[161] And you're like, I look at it and this person has written pencil and it's like the cutest, you're like, oh my God, I wrote like that in junior high.
[162] Like this person's hammering is adorable.
[163] Okay, ready for this?
[164] Yeah.
[165] Dear Karen and Georgia.
[166] Oh my goodness.
[167] Hi.
[168] My name is J -la.
[169] I'm a huge fan.
[170] Seriously.
[171] I'm 13, by the way.
[172] My mom got me hooked on this podcast.
[173] Whenever we're in the car together, it's all we listen to.
[174] My mom, it's like the cute, look at this handwriting.
[175] I can't.
[176] Oh, my God.
[177] It's like puffy and adorable.
[178] And there's an M -F -M with hearts around it at the top.
[179] J -la.
[180] Is her name J -L -A?
[181] It's J -A -E -L -A.
[182] Yeah.
[183] J -L -A.
[184] Okay.
[185] We listened to it.
[186] I guess I shouldn't have said her last name.
[187] Okay, thank you.
[188] Stephen's like, I'm already on that, bleeping that out.
[189] It's like way ahead of you.
[190] It's all we listen to.
[191] My mom lets me listen to it because it, quote, instills a healthy fear of murder in me. Smart.
[192] But it's a plus you guys are hilarious.
[193] I have a hometown murder.
[194] This one is sick.
[195] So a few years ago, a coach of my school kidnapped Haley Owens and killed her.
[196] Witnesses said that he asked her for directions.
[197] Then he pulled her into his car.
[198] They tried to chase his car, but failed to catch it.
[199] A few hours later, she was found dead in his basement, stuffed in a storage bin.
[200] She was only 11.
[201] Turns out he was on meth.
[202] Some of my friends knew him, and some went to school with her.
[203] Insane.
[204] Jela B. with a heart.
[205] P .S. In the drawing, the Ds are banjos from the banjo murder stories.
[206] And so she made us this drawing, too.
[207] Stay sexy, don't get murdered.
[208] Look at that drawing.
[209] I swear I'll play.
[210] put it on Instagram.
[211] It's like a really cute drawing.
[212] It's very cute.
[213] The word murder is spelled in like a bunch of, like one is the banjo course and then there's like some trees and from the forest in there and there's a hatchet and a knife and it's adorable.
[214] And it looks like a, you know, a standard, like a butter knife as well as a murder knife and axe.
[215] Because it's not always planned.
[216] That's right.
[217] And some rope.
[218] Did you notice the U as rope?
[219] I just saw that through the paper that you're holding.
[220] Oh my God.
[221] We'll post that on Instagram.
[222] Beautiful job.
[223] What a horrible, especially from a 13 -year -old, an absolutely horrible story.
[224] Yeah, it's funny to go from, I'm 13 and we love you.
[225] Anyways, I'm 13, and here's the worst murder you've ever heard.
[226] Here's an incredibly terrible thing that happened to a very young child.
[227] Wow, Jala.
[228] I mean, you know, remember to counterbalance your love of true crime with some fun stuff, please.
[229] What do we recommend for 13 -year -olds?
[230] Run and Stimpy.
[231] I don't know.
[232] Bob's burgers.
[233] I mean, just to run around.
[234] in a circle for a while.
[235] Love and happiness.
[236] Pinwheels.
[237] What do you guys like?
[238] Tons of gum.
[239] Just like four pieces of gum at once.
[240] Oh my God.
[241] Try it.
[242] That is actually really fun.
[243] That hurts my mouth.
[244] Just like as much hubba -bubba as you can fit into your mouth.
[245] Okay.
[246] Okay, I love it.
[247] Here's my first one.
[248] Okay.
[249] This is called first responder, the sheriff, the lion, the celebrity, and the fucked -up old couple.
[250] That was the original name.
[251] What the Wizard of Oz was going to be?
[252] Then they're like, you know what, let's get a scarecrow instead of the fucked up old couple, because they're too creepy.
[253] I guess.
[254] Okay.
[255] Roll call, Karen, Georgia, Stephen and beloved menagerie.
[256] Oh.
[257] Brilliant.
[258] I had never followed a podcast before MFM, and I have been a vivid, listen, an avid, sorry.
[259] An avid listener.
[260] I want her to be a vivid listener.
[261] Avid and vivid do look really alike.
[262] They're pretty similar.
[263] An avid listener is since your fourth episode dropped.
[264] Yeah.
[265] dropped like a missing alien album what's up my boyfriend who has splurge for VIP tickets at the fort Lauderdale show by the way nice brag is a first responder cool this story is from 1986 when he was wet behind the ears 18 year old sheriff's deputy and was on a solo midnight shift patrol in rural Florida locks a hatchie to be precise um the call my boyfriend was responding to was a signal 70 which was livestock on the highway it was one a am so he headed over to the loxahatchie trailer park where the call had been generated looking for a sheep or a cow seeing none of the aforementioned he left the safety of his 1980s cop car think clunky black and white with one single light bar across the top yet we know what 80s cop cars look like okay you don't need a cop spleen us right we've seen him we watch chips.
[266] No, those are motorcycles, huh?
[267] We watch cops.
[268] We watch cops.
[269] I could have just gone with the obvious one and then get it.
[270] I think that's what you meant.
[271] Probably.
[272] Okay, and he went to knock on the trailer door.
[273] The elderly couple who had called peered through the window at him and started pointing frantically behind him.
[274] Oh my God, my God.
[275] He turned around to see a fully maimed lion walking towards me. Oh my God.
[276] I was not expecting that.
[277] The elderly couple refused to open their door or let him in, what the actual fuck.
[278] In parentheses, it actually says that.
[279] So he pulled his gun, again, think 1980s, long -barreled revolver, aka Dirty Airy.
[280] Yeah.
[281] And tried to make it back to his cop car unmalled.
[282] My boyfriend is an animal lover, but as he was desperately trying to fumble through his baseball -sized key fob, no auto unlock back then, and make sure he didn't accidentally shoot his gun off, he dropped his keys as the, The now interested lion started to pad toward him.
[283] Oh, my God, oh, my God.
[284] He made a run for his locked cop car, jumped on top of the light bar, and reluctantly aimed a six -shooter in the lion's direction.
[285] As the lion was about to put his front paws up on the car window to get a better sniff of my man. Oh, my God.
[286] A long -haired, shirtless man came crashing through the bushes, driving a golf cart screaming, don't shoot, don't shoot, he's a friendly lion.
[287] My boyfriend yelled back, I don't give a fuck how friendly he.
[288] is he's a lion get him the fuck away from me or i'll shoot him the man grabbed the lion by the ear and pulled him into the golf cart passenger seat and zoomed off i don't even give a shit if this is a lie i don't either so enjoyable but please don't lie on these um leaving my boyfriend sweating and shaking on top of his car gun drawn keys in the dirt as he calmed down he realized that the long -haired man was actor steve sypec who was well known in the area for owning big cats and playing Tarzan on TV.
[289] One of the things I really love about being a first responder are the stories he yells, or being with a first responder, are the stories he tells.
[290] Wow.
[291] He yells.
[292] What are the yelled stories I heard in it?
[293] The stories he tells about his colleagues, the insider information that I'd never be privy to.
[294] For example, for the next two plus years, my rookie cop would regularly find toy lions in his car, his desk drawer, his locker.
[295] Can't wait to meet you in November.
[296] Thank you all for the inappropriate times.
[297] You've made me snort laugh whilst in the gym wearing headphones, SSDGM, Linda.
[298] That is the best.
[299] That's so hilarious.
[300] It's so funny, too, because my dad, there was always had pranks being pulled on him or was pulling one.
[301] I feel like there's something about, like, letting off steam for first responders.
[302] My favorite one is they used to, they made fun of my dad because he always had the same duffel bag.
[303] like he brought his stuff to and from the firehouse in this one duffel bag and they accused him of never cleaning it out like that it was always just the same stuff in there and so a guy put this old ashtray it was like an iron ashtray of a Viking boat he put that in the bag and my dad said he carried it around for like a month before he knew it was in there they were right they were right oh my god he would just take out the things that were dirty and watch them and like yeah just stuff like that I mean I think he washed his clothes No, no, no, I meant you an ashtray in a bag.
[304] Sounds disgusting.
[305] Yes.
[306] That's fucking hilarious.
[307] Yeah, I guess it's like, oh, thank God when a case doesn't go horribly wrong, we should at least make fun of it.
[308] Yes.
[309] Oh, wow.
[310] Right?
[311] It's also a way of probably keeping people in line a little bit where it's like the next time you react, you have to think, whatever I do I'm going to get shit for for the next three years.
[312] Yeah, there's going to be a nickname made out of this case or this, whatever.
[313] Okay.
[314] Let me see here.
[315] This one's kind of, we can save it for the end if it's bad, if the ending is bad.
[316] So, okay, this is called Satanic Sex Ritual Stabbing in Milwaukee.
[317] Ooh.
[318] Hi, all.
[319] That's easy, too.
[320] Hi, all.
[321] Wisconsin is definitely not lacking in murders and serial killers, but this was a crazy, not murder story that occurred right near my apartment a few years ago.
[322] In November 2011, an 18 -year -old man was found naked and bleeding in the street just a few blocks from my apartment.
[323] He had been cut and stabbed over 300 times.
[324] He was transported to a local hospital while police followed the bloody trail to a nearby apartment.
[325] The door was open, and when they went inside, police found knives, duct tape, rope, blood, and books on Satanism and other occult topics, including the necromanic ritual book and the werewolf's guide to life.
[326] Have fun with your werewolfism.
[327] That's so stupid.
[328] I know.
[329] Go to a carnival.
[330] that's like that is the dumbest I immediately picture a werewolf wearing jeans like with one leg crossed his hand on his hip yeah he's gonna have fun in this life he's gonna make life worth living yeah sure you're a werewolf but don't let that hold you back there's all these other days besides the one day where there's a full moon okay apparently this guy lived in arizona and met two women online rebecca janler and raven quote scarlet larabi uh raven larabi i think you have to pick one or the other Yeah.
[331] If you're already raving, you don't need Scarlet.
[332] No, give that to someone else.
[333] Give it to your friend Lisa.
[334] Yeah, give it to another cough girl.
[335] He took a bus to Milwaukee to participate in a consensual satanic ritual act with them.
[336] According to the women, the encounter, quote, quickly got out of hand.
[337] They tied him up, stabbed him repeatedly, and held him captive for two days.
[338] According to the hospital, he had approximately 300 wounds on his back, face, arm, legs, and neck, basically everywhere.
[339] Rebecca was in the apartment when the cop showed up and blamed most of the hospital.
[340] of it on Scarlett, whose real name she didn't know.
[341] Oh, no, it's Raven.
[342] It should have asked Karen.
[343] Both women were arrested, but I don't think they were ever charged.
[344] The guy survived and apparently updated his Facebook status to, quote, stitches.
[345] Stay sexy, don't get murdered, Laura.
[346] Well, he's really, he's just taking it very lightly.
[347] Yeah, he's like, yeah, I guess I did go over there for some satanic sex ritual.
[348] I mean, I hope he doesn't blame himself because even though it's a satanic sex ritual, I don't think anybody thinks that that means I'm going to get stabbed 300 times.
[349] Once you're tied up, you're not in control anymore.
[350] Which is the point of tying someone up, I guess.
[351] So you're not.
[352] Then fun things are supposed to happen.
[353] Right.
[354] Fun dirty stuff and not stabbing.
[355] Silk scars, you know, sexy tie up stuff.
[356] Also, anytime the number is that high, I just go like, just right now picture, poke.
[357] yourself in the back of the hand 10 times.
[358] And that's irritating.
[359] You get stabbed three fucking hundred times.
[360] And then think of the fucking, the like, what are the nurses called that are still learning at a nurse, the person who had to count all of those stab wounds?
[361] Oh, yeah.
[362] The medical assistant?
[363] Medical assistant.
[364] Oh, my God.
[365] Like, can we just say it's over 40?
[366] Please.
[367] No. Just round it up for all of these?
[368] No, Derek, you have to count them all.
[369] We need it for the file.
[370] Yeah.
[371] Okay.
[372] This next one.
[373] The subject line is Beach Day with My Dead Dad.
[374] Oh, I saw that movie.
[375] It was great.
[376] Okay, hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, Elvis, Mimi, Dottie.
[377] Oh, the new guy was like, who's that?
[378] Karen, your face when you said, Dottie.
[379] I knew you haven't been paying attention when I talked about how cute she is.
[380] Dotty.
[381] Dottie.
[382] Who the hell?
[383] Oh, Dottie.
[384] George and all the other precious animal friends everywhere.
[385] Well, fuck Frank.
[386] He gets nothing.
[387] Okay.
[388] First of all, I promise this isn't a week in a Bernie situation.
[389] situation.
[390] She knew.
[391] Secretly, I love your, oh, secondly, I love your podcast.
[392] I mean, something's wrong.
[393] I mean, that's probably true for a lot of people, though.
[394] That is actually very true.
[395] Did you see the girl that took the picture of the back of the guy, and she said, he's so pissed that we're listening to your podcast on the way to Las Vegas?
[396] And you said, I kind of, I'm on his side right now.
[397] That's so uncool.
[398] If someone doesn't want to listen to my favorite murder, I think they are in the right.
[399] well also just being forced to listen to a podcast like that's that's not car consensus that's not fun times road trip no that's we're our personalities being forced on some poor dude who looks like he just wants to listen to car talk yeah but like you don't have to listen to car talk either you both can listen to hey you go you meet in the middle yeah terence Trent Dorby you can listen to what's a neutral podcast this american life is a good one everyone likes that there's something for everyone.
[400] You know what, Vince and I like to listen.
[401] Oh, we put it on when you were in the car that one time.
[402] Stone Cold Steve Austin podcast.
[403] The best.
[404] Something for everyone.
[405] It is so funny.
[406] It's so funny.
[407] It is the most enjoyable thing.
[408] Next time, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls together in a car, don't force your personal beliefs on other people.
[409] Just listen to Stone Cold Steve Austin's podcast.
[410] Listen to the one where he talks to himself where there's no guests.
[411] Yes.
[412] I mean, it's literal hours of entertainment.
[413] Truly so enjoyable.
[414] So good.
[415] Okay.
[416] So, yeah, there.
[417] All right.
[418] We just started.
[419] Okay.
[420] Secondly, I love your podcast.
[421] I cannot wait to see you guys in Madison in October.
[422] Hi, can't wait.
[423] I naturally started listening to you the week after you were in Milwaukee.
[424] Y 'all were amazing.
[425] Make my days at work go by so much faster.
[426] Thank you.
[427] Here's my ghost story.
[428] Sorry to disappoint, but it's not a scary one.
[429] And no one was murdered.
[430] My dad died when I was 16 years old.
[431] We were incredibly close, and I was a total daddy's girl.
[432] Losing him was really hard.
[433] That's such a young age to lose a parent.
[434] I'm sorry.
[435] Every year on his birthday, I would try to do something nice to remember and celebrate him by doing some of his favorite things.
[436] Drink martinis, watch old Westerns, go outside, eat apple pie.
[437] Go outside.
[438] See, I'm not like your dad.
[439] I don't go outside.
[440] Okay.
[441] So a few years ago, I was feeling especially bummed on his birthday, just missing him a lot, so I decided to go out of town.
[442] I was living in Green Bay at the time, and I found myself in Manitouac.
[443] Is that how you pronounce it?
[444] It's the one from making a murder.
[445] I think you're right.
[446] Manitouic?
[447] She, in parentheses, yes, making a murder, Manitouic.
[448] Okay.
[449] I was driving down some side road by the lake where I found the tiniest little beach, completely separate from everything and everyone and everything.
[450] The beach was maybe 30 feet by 20 feet.
[451] I'm not a geometrist.
[452] It was small.
[453] there were two chairs on the beach so i decided to pull over and sit in one of the chairs and just watch the lake there was absolutely no one around perfect because i really knew i needed to ugly cry and i didn't want anyone to see when i sat down i immediately started crying but then i suddenly felt fine felt totally fine i felt comforted and safe a complete 180 after an hour of watching the waves i got up to leave the beach and on my way out i saw Clear as day, my name written in the sand, Kate.
[454] It was at least three feet tall.
[455] I know I would have seen this on my way in.
[456] It took up most of the beach.
[457] Ooh, I just got chills.
[458] I got chills if I am their whole body.
[459] Also, no one spells their name like me. Most people spell it with a K. She spells up with a C. I knew my dad was with me. But this was just a slap in the face I needed to know.
[460] He hasn't totally left me. Hey, this is exciting.
[461] season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[462] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[463] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[464] Who killed Saz?
[465] And were they really after Charles?
[466] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[467] This season, murder hits close to home.
[468] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[469] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[470] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[471] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll.
[472] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[473] Only Martyrs in the building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[474] Goodbye.
[475] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[476] Absolutely.
[477] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[478] Exactly.
[479] And if you're a small business, owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
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[494] Goodbye.
[495] Oh, my God.
[496] Sometimes it's terrifying to know that we're not alone.
[497] But it's also good to know that the people we've loved are also hanging around.
[498] Sorry, sorry, sorry.
[499] God damn, you, Stephen.
[500] She's saying that because Stephen picked it.
[501] This is not a random.
[502] You ladies keep it up.
[503] I have no cool witty closing.
[504] I'm sure it'll come to me after I send this love, Kate.
[505] P .S. Karen, you were amazing on how did this get made in Georgia.
[506] Your drunk history gives me life.
[507] Okay, bye.
[508] Sorry, that got me. Good.
[509] That got me good.
[510] Seeing her name in the sand and then it spelled differently.
[511] And also, she walked in that way unless somebody snuck up and as a nice treat wrote her name in the sand.
[512] Well, then it's just creepy.
[513] Well, yeah.
[514] Then it goes the opposite direction.
[515] That's not a nice treat.
[516] Someone followed her from fucking Green Bay.
[517] And knew her name.
[518] And knew her name.
[519] I knew the spelling.
[520] That was magical.
[521] And that there were two seats there.
[522] Yes.
[523] And that she didn't, she went to like purge it.
[524] But then it was like, oh, no, that's not actually how I feel.
[525] and then chilled it out.
[526] Daddy.
[527] I mean, that was beautiful.
[528] Yay.
[529] As someone who likes their dad.
[530] That got me. Same here.
[531] Should I read, I've done two now because I did Jailas.
[532] Should I do one more?
[533] Yeah.
[534] Want to?
[535] Have you done two?
[536] Well, I did the opening one.
[537] And then I did my satanic sexual one.
[538] Oh, that's right.
[539] Do another one.
[540] Okay.
[541] Right.
[542] Steven's like, no. You looked at Stephen.
[543] It's been four hours.
[544] Steven, can we please?
[545] You've been recording for, like, what if we time didn't exist in this room suddenly?
[546] That's how we found out.
[547] I survived, question mark, the laziest kidnapping attempt in history.
[548] Yes.
[549] And then it says, lighthearted, exclamation mark.
[550] Everything about this.
[551] All right.
[552] Hello, Mordorino family.
[553] I wanted to write in about this for a long time, but I have anxiety.
[554] Have you heard of it?
[555] But I finally worked up the nerve.
[556] Can you imagine having anxiety to write a funny?
[557] You're, honey, you're fine.
[558] Oh, okay.
[559] Diana, you're good.
[560] I get it.
[561] I grew up in a quiet suburb on Long Island, not much happening there.
[562] But my first job at 15 years old quickly led me, led to me being a manager at a Carvel in a not -so -nice area by 16 years old.
[563] Carvel.
[564] They do the whale thing.
[565] That's right.
[566] We finally, fudgy the whale.
[567] They finally have them out here now, like, in the grocery store freezer section.
[568] But we've never, Californians have never had a freestanding carvel.
[569] store.
[570] No, I've never had Fudgy the Whale of you.
[571] And we've never, no. And I've never seen any commercials.
[572] Have it for our 100th episode, we have a Fudgy the Whale.
[573] Stephen, please.
[574] I'm on it.
[575] I'm on it.
[576] Steven, can we have a Fudgy the Whale?
[577] Can we have us?
[578] For when we're 100.
[579] Um, blah, blah, ba, 16 years old by manager.
[580] Remember that when you had a job as a kid and they're like, you're a manager?
[581] And you're like, I'm a manager.
[582] Sounds great.
[583] I guess I have keys now.
[584] Right.
[585] I thought I was big timing at Hot Top.
[586] Okay.
[587] To give you an idea, we were robbed multiple times at Knife Point, and I once broke up a violent fight in the parking lot while police cars sat quietly nearby.
[588] No. That's what the neighborhood was like.
[589] So one night as a tiny child, so one night as a tiny manager child, I was locking up the store alone at 10 p .m. after the last employee left.
[590] Well, I sat outside to wait for my father because obviously I couldn't drive myself yet.
[591] The parking lot was empty and dark with the exception of one shady looking white van on the far corner of the lot.
[592] Oh, after only a moment of me being outside, the van's lights turned on, and it sped around the lot to pull up and screech to a halt in front of me. The driver didn't do anything at all, but the side door flew open.
[593] What?
[594] And an older man was crouched inside.
[595] Oh, I see the driver was just sitting there.
[596] An older man. There's two guys.
[597] Scary.
[598] Yeah.
[599] Let's see.
[600] And he yelled at me. He looked at me and yelled at me, get in aggressively.
[601] And instead of running for my life in terror, I politely said, oh, no, thank you.
[602] As if this were normal.
[603] The man paused, looked like he was thinking over what to say next, and finally said, it's really cold outside, as though it were a question and not an objective fact about the 10 p .m. about 10 p .m. in December.
[604] At the time I was just confused and I said, okay, still no thank you.
[605] and the man made a disappointed huffing sound and slammed the sliding door closed and the van drove off and out of the lot in a hurry a few minutes later my dad shut up and i told him about the weird thing that happened he freaked out obviously and even as i was retelling it i realized just how messed up it was that even just minutes later anyway that's how i survived a very lazy crime through absolutely no fault of my own i hope you enjoyed and i just wanted to add that as an avid murderer and current sex worker you guys are angels for trying to contribute to the frequent stereotyping and mockery of violence against sex workers.
[606] My day job is in health care and I can tell you that while my colleagues and I face violent behavior at both my jobs, at one at one it's considered a tragedy at the other it's met with a, well, what did you expect?
[607] I love you all.
[608] Please stay sexy and don't get murdered, Diana.
[609] Wow.
[610] Well, first of all, that story is fucking hilarious.
[611] No, thank you.
[612] I feel like I would do that.
[613] You know what?
[614] No, I don't, yeah, I'm not going to.
[615] But it's just a polite thing of, no, thank you.
[616] Yeah.
[617] Not, K. Fuck you.
[618] No. No, thank you.
[619] Not going to do your dumb thing.
[620] Oh, it's so good.
[621] Oh, it's really good.
[622] That was good to hear from you.
[623] And I'm glad you made that point about sex workers.
[624] It's good when people get to speak for themselves.
[625] Totally.
[626] Oh, yeah, totally.
[627] All right, should we do this last one?
[628] Okay.
[629] The subject line is the battlements of celestial fire.
[630] Ready?
[631] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, Elvis, Mimi, Dottie, Frank, and George.
[632] That's someone that did the whole lineup.
[633] They did their research.
[634] You really don't have to do that anymore.
[635] I like murderino family is really succinct.
[636] That's a good one.
[637] Okay.
[638] Although I understand it's fun to say it.
[639] Yeah.
[640] It's fun to see the variations because you never know what we're going to get.
[641] That's right.
[642] Or who's going to die.
[643] Okay.
[644] I went to a hippie college in Western Massachusetts.
[645] There were a lot of urban legends floating around like the Velvet Elvis painting that had once been used to smuggle Coke and the guy who lived naked inside a rolled -up carpet.
[646] I'm sorry, we're going to need two separate emails about those, please.
[647] Okay, but this story is my favorite, and it's one that actually happened when I was there.
[648] There was this guy, let's call him Spidey, in my freshman class.
[649] He was an unsavory character who wore sparkly shirts and was a shitty DJ at parties.
[650] Oh, God.
[651] This just makes me think of my friend Dave.
[652] uh devoud who is a dj and uh but he doesn't wear bad shirts okay i heard multiple eyewitness accounts of people entering their shared dorm bathroom to find spidey wearing a bathrobe and washing his dick off in the sink apparently after having sex with his girlfriend parentheses side note said girlfriend once told me i looked like a parrot and yelled at me for leaving my dresser drawers open fucking college man a parrot uh you look like a parrot um okay well those are beautiful so and exotic yeah they're smart so spidey aka dickwash who was apparently a coke dealer one day a rumor started floating around that he gotten caught and kicked out of school a few hours later a post appeared on the college message board by someone calling themselves the battlements of celestial fire oh my god a self -proclaimed on -campus anti -drug vigilante group they claimed responsibility for spidey getting caught They said that they had set off the fire alarm by lighting a fire outside Spidey's room.
[653] Then when Spidey left, they'd gone in and taken all of the drugs out, put them in plain sight so campus security could see them.
[654] You don't have to light the fire.
[655] You can just pull the fire alarm, right?
[656] No fire is actually needed for a fire alarm to go off.
[657] So these assholes are like, drugs are bad.
[658] We're going to start a fire that might hurt people.
[659] Fire is good.
[660] A fucking place where people live.
[661] Oy, yeah, yoy.
[662] so the battlements of celestial fire warned everyone that they were on a mission to eradicate drugs from the whole school spoiler alert it didn't work hippies love drugs they tried to stay anonymous but we figured out who they were a bunch of square white dudes i always picture them in all white wearing oakley's fucking narks bye i love you guys that was more of like a mystery drug story right i like it sure i mean so it turned out the The dick washing was just a, you know, like an interesting.
[663] Enhancement of a story.
[664] It was kind of like painting the picture for us.
[665] Painting the picture with dick washing.
[666] An embellishment.
[667] You didn't paint the picture.
[668] You watched the dick of the story.
[669] Now I'm thinking of our 11 -year -old that listens.
[670] 13.
[671] Don't worry.
[672] Wait.
[673] Who was 11?
[674] I thought someone was 11.
[675] The girl who got murdered and her story was 11.
[676] They're all babies.
[677] No one was.
[678] 11.
[679] All right.
[680] But, come on, you knew, you laughed at dick jokes when you were 13.
[681] Hell yeah.
[682] That's all I wanted to hear.
[683] At 11.
[684] Please.
[685] Dick jokes.
[686] Come on.
[687] Yeah.
[688] What's more exciting?
[689] I had the, um, the book, Truly Tasteless jokes.
[690] Oh, I had that too.
[691] Oh, I used to carry it around.
[692] I couldn't believe how.
[693] You're like, what's his name in your back pocket?
[694] You had, instead of Catcher in the Rye.
[695] Yeah.
[696] True.
[697] David Chapin.
[698] Yeah.
[699] They're like, she's fine.
[700] Don't worry.
[701] She'll be, yeah.
[702] Don't worry.
[703] She'll go off on her own for a while.
[704] All she's going to do is kill it at every show.
[705] She fucking her poor.
[706] Come on!
[707] Yes.
[708] Leaning across that table.
[709] Up top.
[710] Killing it.
[711] All right, guys, this has been the most insane minisode I think we've done so far.
[712] Thank you guys for listening.
[713] Send your not minisodes, but your hometown murders and beyond to my favorite murder at Gmail.
[714] I think right now we're doing first responder.
[715] We like a ghost story.
[716] I love a ghost story.
[717] I mean, clearly there's no...
[718] There's not a lot of rules.
[719] Yeah.
[720] We just want to hear.
[721] great stuff, great stories you have to tell us.
[722] A crime, a crime involved or something like that would be great.
[723] A threat of crime helps just because we're supposed to be doing a certain kind of podcast.
[724] Because people tuning in in the morning on their commute on Monday morning are like, can I please?
[725] I just want this one thing that I like.
[726] That one story that has the theme of your show.
[727] Just one bloody axe.
[728] Right.
[729] But thanks you, thanks for listening, everyone.
[730] Yeah, stay sexy.
[731] And don't get murdered.
[732] Bye.
[733] Bye.