Procrastinators, Perfectionists & Kids Who Resist Work—5 Ways to Help

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[23] Welcome to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[24] This is Kirk Martin, founder to celebrate Calm.

[25] I bet you have a child who when things get difficult, don't know how to push through, or they refuse to push through.

[26] They shut down.

[27] They have a meltdown, a tantrum, right?

[28] They'll often give up.

[29] They'll throw their papers on the floor.

[30] And we as parents get freaked out because we're like, hey, you're going to have tough things in life.

[31] Things aren't always easy.

[32] You're going to have to learn to push through when times are hard.

[33] And I get that.

[34] But here's some context.

[35] I bet none of you wake up every morning and say, hmm, I hope I face some tough.

[36] challenges today because that'll give me an opportunity to grow as a person.

[37] Maybe if you're Tony Robbins, but he's a freak.

[38] But otherwise, none of us do that.

[39] And so, but you're going to, your kids have to do it.

[40] We want to teach them how to do it.

[41] And so a couple things.

[42] You're going to experience this now as you're doing schooling from home.

[43] You're going to encounter this on a nearly daily basis.

[44] And I want to give you some tools right now to help you with that.

[45] But my real goal is long term.

[46] And here's the opportunity we have during this really horrible but unique time in our history is to learn how our kids' brains work and to give them skills so that when life returns to normal in a few weeks or months or years, they know how to do this for the rest of their lives because one day your kids are going to be back in school, but they may be in college and you're not going to be able to be there to babysit them and they need to learn how their brains work.

[47] So this This is both short -term but very long -term.

[48] If you have our ADHD University program, please get it out.

[49] Please pull it up on your computer and please listen in detail because we share a lot of this more so on how their brains work so that you can understand how to help them.

[50] So let's go through this, how to get kids to push through.

[51] So some of you may have, some of the problem may be you have a perfectionist, right, who just gives up when work gets hard.

[52] So here's something you can do.

[53] Begin to normalize imperfection, right?

[54] This is something we started to do at our house is at dinner instead of asking the kids, hey, what did you try, what did you do today that you did really well?

[55] What did you accomplish?

[56] Instead, start to say, hey, what did you try today that you struggled with or even failed at doing?

[57] Even more powerful than this is when mom and dad share their own failures with the kids, right?

[58] because you can say like, hey, today at the office, I present a new idea to my boss, and he said my assumptions were way off, and I was kind of embarrassed at first, and I was bummed, but then I use this feedback, and I made my proposal even better, because it's really helpful for kids to know that you're not perfect, and that failing is part of everyday life for everyone, and you can make this part of your family culture, that you're always growing, you're always trying new things.

[59] You're learning from failure.

[60] And it's something that we tried to inculcate in our family and in all the kids we worked with is, no, I want you to try that.

[61] I want you to push the limits.

[62] I want you to fail.

[63] And that doesn't mean you're a failure.

[64] It just means you're learning.

[65] And it also means you had the courage to do things other people didn't.

[66] And so make it into a good thing.

[67] remember give your kids some space when you're correcting their homework instead of like hey come here you need to look at your work I'm going to show you all the things you did wrong right like nobody's really motivated by that but you could say hey nice job on the math worksheet listen I circle number four number nine number 13 and number 17 so look I've got to go good laundry I've got to start on dinner once you look at those and if you need some help come grab me because you're giving a child's space to do his work and to experience his failure there, instead of you standing over and pointing it out, you let him know.

[68] He's got to work on those things.

[69] And then you gave him space, which is really, really helpful when we do that.

[70] So here's the hard part.

[71] You're going to have to take a few steps to help your kids push through when things get hard.

[72] I want you to normalize it instead of, I don't know why you give up when things get hard.

[73] You know what?

[74] If you would just try, if you would just apply yourself, that is so unmotivating and so actually, it's very damaging and hurtful to your kids and it's going to make them shut down and say, well, that's you.

[75] Right?

[76] Like, I, I've seen you not push through, right?

[77] And if they were honest, they'd say, yeah, I've seen you and dad, you and mom in your marriage.

[78] You certainly don't push through and do anything difficult.

[79] You've buried years of resentment.

[80] You don't even bring it up anymore because one of you dismisses the...

[81] Anyway, I could go on and on for that.

[82] You know that hit hard, didn't you?

[83] Because you don't push through when things get hard.

[84] You just hope that it goes away and one day it'll get better.

[85] And by the way, it's not.

[86] So, email Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[87] That's our strong -willed son who never wanted to push through, but he's a beast now.

[88] Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[89] So if you need help in your marriage, because you're not pushing through and working on things, email him because we'll give you a special on that because times are tough, and we want you to work on your marriage.

[90] And by the way, if you're spending a lot of time together at home, you're going to have to work on your marriage because I guarantee you're going to irritate each other so much and you don't get to go to the office to get away from your spouse.

[91] And now you can't, anyway, email him.

[92] He'll help you out.

[93] We have a thing called the Calm Couples University.

[94] You do it right from home.

[95] safe, easy for guys to do.

[96] Very practical, step by step.

[97] I talk to them like men.

[98] It's awesome.

[99] But in case he'll help you out with that.

[100] So I want to normalize.

[101] I want to normalize this.

[102] So here are some words, this phrase I love.

[103] Of course.

[104] Of course it's difficult.

[105] Of course writing assignments are difficult for you.

[106] I've got this really busy brain that's filled with all kinds of ideas and stuff rummaging through your brain.

[107] And to get those thoughts from head to paper, of course that's difficult for you.

[108] But I believe you're capable, when I give you some tools, I believe you're capable of actually writing really well.

[109] Right.

[110] So we're not using it as an excuse, but I'm saying, of course you want to give up when things get hard.

[111] It's human nature.

[112] You want to give up.

[113] Why?

[114] Because it's mentally and emotionally taxing.

[115] But that's what everybody else does.

[116] They just stop and they give up.

[117] But I don't believe you're made to be like everybody else.

[118] See, really exceptional people?

[119] They push through.

[120] So if it's really hard and you want to give up, you're in a perfect place because that's when everybody else gives up.

[121] So right when you're about to stop, when you're about to give up, that's exactly the point at which I want you to keep going.

[122] You know all that persistence you have?

[123] By the way, in your brain you can see that persistence you have to annoy me all the time and to bug me and ask me for things 100 million times and not let go and to argue with me and argue your point like a little attorney?

[124] you yeah that same persistence that's annoying look I want you to use that persistence of yours to push through and when you do it's going to feel so great so satisfying and you're going to be proud of yourself and I believe you're capable of doing it see that's a lot better than saying you know what I don't know why you just give up when things get tough how are you ever going to be successful in life okay I guess I'm not let's just drink right there's no right instead I'm saying I'm normalizing it of course it's difficult of course you don't want to do it who does but I believe that you're capable and that's a great phrase to learn so one of the things I want you to teach your kids how to do is to jump start their brain we go through this stuff in great detail we have a program called the no BS program it's called no BS instructional manual for strong will children it's usually 300 bucks why because it's worth it and it'll change your relationship with a strong will child and give them tools you know I mentioned that writing thing before if your kids struggle with writing we go through exactly how to do it on that no BS guide.

[125] It's really, really cool.

[126] So it's 25 action steps.

[127] It's usually 300 bucks.

[128] We've made it $99.

[129] Why?

[130] Because I want tools in the hands of parents and I don't want you to have an excuse.

[131] It's still $99, but it's a lot cheaper in therapy.

[132] It's a lot cheaper and it's a lot better than yelling at your kids and destroying your relationship.

[133] So if you want it, go to celebrate calm .com.

[134] Look at the little tab called No BS.

[135] We've had so many, so many emails regarding that on how helpful it is.

[136] So anyway, go look at it.

[137] But you've got to jumpstart the brain, right?

[138] Because if your kids, especially if they're on screens, their brains start to shut down and to go from screens to doing schoolwork is going to be brutally difficult.

[139] So, once you get psyched up, and I want you to teach your kids how to jumpstart their brains.

[140] What we've learned is doing homework after physical exercise is extremely helpful because you get those endorphins flowing.

[141] I encourage you use intense music to create rhythm in the brain.

[142] Just know it's going to be music you don't like.

[143] Why?

[144] Because you're old and you're a parent.

[145] And that's the way it always works.

[146] You're not going to like their music.

[147] It doesn't mean you have to let them play cop killer music and stuff with really bad language.

[148] But if they like their music and it's intense and they do their work, I don't really care what you listen to.

[149] By the way, you can also experiment with classical music.

[150] But some kids don't need classical music.

[151] It just sounds awesome.

[152] Oh, we're going to listen to classical music.

[153] It sounds awesome and we do use that but sometimes good intense music that pumps your child up a little bit really really helpful many of your kids tend to work best in short bursts followed by an immediate and small reward than another short burst of intense energy and here's a huge insight that nobody really tells anybody that's made like this it's not about managing your time it's about managing your energy if you have a brain like this you have to understand how your child's brain works because some kids work better in spurts.

[154] Some kids work better late at night, especially after you go to bed because it's quiet then.

[155] Some work better in public.

[156] So you work intensely, then you give an immediate reward, then work intensely.

[157] Sometimes you have to change places in the house where you work.

[158] A lot of research on that.

[159] But know that managing your energy is huge.

[160] My son and I use this on a daily basis.

[161] We know when we work best.

[162] I'll give you an example.

[163] When is there.

[164] By the way, this is why many of your kids during the school year will wait until late at night after you go to bed to do their school work, because it's when things quiet, down, and the world's slow.

[165] During the week when everybody else is at work, I'm usually doing non -work stuff.

[166] However, on the weekend, sometimes at nights, at different times, I can feel stuff.

[167] I'm very, very sensitive, and so I can feel this.

[168] So watch, Sunday afternoon, at about 4 o 'clock in the afternoon.

[169] There is no kind of quieter time any day of the week than kind of Sunday at 3 or 4.

[170] It doesn't have that, like compare that to Monday through Friday when times are normal at 3, 4 o 'clock in the afternoon.

[171] No way.

[172] The energy out on the roads is crazy.

[173] Mom's dad's going to pick up the kids from school, getting off work, getting from one place to another, right?

[174] All that negative energy is around.

[175] I don't like it.

[176] I stay inside.

[177] But on Sunday afternoon, 3, 4 o 'clock, I do a lot of work.

[178] I can get a lot of work, and many of your kids can hyper -focus.

[179] They struggle to focus on things that don't care about, but when they're motivated, they can hyper -focus.

[180] On a Sunday afternoon, I can get work, I can get two to three days' worth of work done in two or three hours.

[181] I am so locked in.

[182] I am so focused.

[183] There's something to that.

[184] so use this time off to observe your kids and notice when do they work best my son prioritizes all of his activities every day by how he's feeling by his energy flow by when he works out when he's best at thinking certain days he knows he saves for just doing paperwork and filing and little monotonous work but he needs to do really good thinking work he has certain times when that works.

[185] So learn that.

[186] Teach it to your kids.

[187] Break projects into smaller chunks and make it easier to go through step by step.

[188] We want to create small successes, create small wins, right?

[189] Because some of these things are really, really difficult for your kids to do.

[190] And when they see it, whether a writing process, program, uh, uh, essay, they've got to write, or maybe it's math, whatever subject.

[191] It's emotionally and mentally taxing.

[192] So, acknowledge that, provide the exercise, music for a quick burst to get a success, celebrate it, take a short mental break, and then hop back on it, right?

[193] That's why, by the way, a lot of people use procrastination as a natural tool because it helps stimulate your brain.

[194] Because if you wait until the last moment, you get an adrenaline rush, which brings blood flow to your brain helps you concentrate.

[195] So what we have to find, if we don't want to procrastinate, is what's a greater reward than delaying the hard work?

[196] if I do that hard work right now, what is the payoff that I get 20 minutes or two hours for now?

[197] There's a principle called the banana principle.

[198] If you're at an office and you provide free bananas and free oranges in a corporate break room, the bananas get taken first every time.

[199] Why?

[200] Because they're easier to peel, right?

[201] Because Harvard research has showed if you can make something even 22 seconds easier, people will be much more likely to try that.

[202] activity.

[203] Let me give you a weird one.

[204] And this is the kind of insight we give on the no BS program because it's not your typical stuff and it's stuff that can really help.

[205] I know this is weird.

[206] And some of you have brains like my wife that are a little bit more neurotypical, right?

[207] She can just work nine to five every day, steady stream of work.

[208] We're not like that.

[209] And your kids probably aren't like that.

[210] So this is a weird one in how I notice this.

[211] So I'm responsible in our home for cleaning the bathrooms.

[212] Why?

[213] Because I didn't do that for the first probably dozen years of our life, and I'm trying to give back and be the one who does all, just trying to do a lot of the small things that usually my wife would have done before.

[214] And I just want to, I'm in a mode of life where I want to give back and I want to do the tough stuff so she can focus on her stuff, right?

[215] And so, and by the way, I'm a little bit OCD, so I kind of like it.

[216] So there are some days where I just get the urge to clean, right?

[217] If you just schedule it and say on Tuesday morning, you're going to clean the bathrooms, no, I'm not.

[218] But if I get the urge to clean, right?

[219] And so I go down and I go down the hallway to the bathroom.

[220] And then I find that the cleaner and the paper towels aren't in the bathroom, here's what happens.

[221] If I've got to walk all the way back down the hall or upstairs or downstairs and go get the supplies, I'll probably move on to something else.

[222] I know that it may sound weird.

[223] So here's what I did.

[224] In each of the bathrooms, I have little cleaning caddies in each bathroom.

[225] So when I get in that mood to clean, when I walk into the bathroom, there are always paper towels and sponges and cleaners and spray.

[226] So there's no resistance to cleaning when I get the urge.

[227] So reduce the resistance and the friction for getting things done at home and during homework.

[228] and realize many of your kids will not push through in school because they simply don't care.

[229] But when they do care about something, they will do it.

[230] And that may just have to be enough for you.

[231] See, when Casey, when our son was young, he didn't push through.

[232] He wasn't super disciplined in school.

[233] But then he'd get up at 5 .30 a .m. on a Saturday or Sunday morning, and he'd work all day at the ice rink officiating hockey games because he was, motivated to do that and he liked the money.

[234] So you've got to find it.

[235] Look, it's there.

[236] Your kids have these qualities.

[237] You have to find it and recognize and celebrate it where you see it, not just where you want it.

[238] And then your next step after jump -starting the brain is to find out what your kids are, what they care about so that you can motivate them internally.

[239] So I encourage you, work through this this weekend.

[240] See how it works for your kids.

[241] Notice how their brains are motivated.

[242] Go get the no BS instruction manual.

[243] It's deeply, deeply discounted.

[244] And we show you through 25 action steps how to do this, how to rebuild your relationship with a child who's shut down, how to jumpstart their brains, how to get them to do writing assignments.

[245] We teach you how to internally motivate to find things they care about so they'll actually care about school.

[246] But it's not going to be because you care.

[247] If we can help you in any way, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com.

[248] We will be glad to help.

[249] you.

[250] We can customize anything you need, and we're here for you because we know how difficult is to have strong -will kids and be home with them all the time, but I want you to enjoy your kids.

[251] Thank you so much for listening.

[252] Please share this.

[253] If you like the Calm Parenting Podcast, let other people know about it.

[254] That'll be a nice thing.

[255] Hey, thanks for joining us.

[256] We'll talk to you soon.

[257] Bye -bye.