Jeff Goldblum

[0] Golly, hi, my name is Jeff Goldblum.

[1] And I feel blank about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Well, I feel, let me be truthful.

[3] And I feel, well, to the extent that we're friends, and I feel we have a deep connection, but I wish we'd spend more time together.

[4] I'm available for your friendship, however, time -consuming, or any aspect of it.

[5] We've been friends in the sense that we have, in the way that we have on these shows and seeing each other here and there.

[6] You've, of course, I've enrolled you and I finagled you into being part of that show, that a little movie that I did, and you were so sweet to do that.

[7] And then what else?

[8] Oh, we did it.

[9] We did it.

[10] We were there at some voiceover we were doing.

[11] It was one of your things.

[12] Yes, yes, yes.

[13] So, and then I think we, did I have a date with you or just ran into you at the Soho house?

[14] That was lovely.

[15] And I've always said, let's, and we've exchanged information, but we've never availed ourselves of it.

[16] I've always said, yes, let's come over to my house and let's do many things.

[17] I do all manner of things.

[18] So I love being your friend, however it does or doesn't pan out.

[19] But I tell you again, I'm available for the deepest, closest, and most time -consuming kind of friendship.

[20] Jeff, everyone else has answered with one word.

[21] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the back.

[22] Brand new shoes Walking loose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Because I can tell that we are going to be friends Hey you're listening to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend A podcast That I have invented for the sole purpose Of forcing people to be friends with me And so far it's kind of working That's what I like about it And also, I've thoroughly enjoyed talking to everyone that I've had a chance to interview so far, but I will say this.

[23] I believe, deep down in my heart, that the podcast was probably invented so that I could talk with Mr. Jeff Goldblum in an intimate forum.

[24] He is, of all the people I've interviewed in 25 years in television, he has the most unique style, way of expressing himself, mannerisms.

[25] and I thought I've got to get him into a very small podcast room and just let the sensuality bounce off the walls.

[26] Here to keep things from getting too out of hand are my minders, Matt Goreley, Matt.

[27] Hi.

[28] Matt, you're like, I'm going to a Catholic school and you're a woman who's a 55 -year -old matron who's watching me dance.

[29] And if I get too close to Jeff Gobloom, you're going to thwap me with a ruler.

[30] Yeah, I may just, but I'm kind of into it, though, too.

[31] Yeah, he's that kind of guy.

[32] Yeah.

[33] You know what I'm talking about?

[34] Sona?

[35] Yes.

[36] Jeff Goldblum, you've got to admit, he's, he is a delight.

[37] A delight.

[38] Yes.

[39] I'm in.

[40] Well, no, no, this is.

[41] I am on board.

[42] This is my date.

[43] So anyway.

[44] What?

[45] Wait, what?

[46] You guys are just here to watch for a little bit, and then we'll all take a break, and Jeff Gobloy will go get some tapas.

[47] You think this is a date?

[48] I, in my mind, I do.

[49] My wife understands, or she will when I tell her.

[50] Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Goldblum.

[51] Well, they didn't tell me that was the thing.

[52] Let me see.

[53] No, no, no, no, that's good.

[54] That's good what you did.

[55] Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, that is so you.

[56] You just went on a jazz riff.

[57] It was lovely.

[58] That was lovely.

[59] I don't believe that you are available for any amount of time.

[60] You have two young children.

[61] Yes, that's true.

[62] I don't care how time -consuming.

[63] Well, at some point, I might say, Conan, you know how many times you've called me today, and no, I wish I could.

[64] I'm just putting the kids to bed.

[65] I don't imagine that'll happen, though.

[66] But, you know, in between that and now, feel free to call on me for any old thing.

[67] If you'd said yesterday, you know, I watched the Super Bowl yesterday kind of by myself.

[68] Oh, is that true?

[69] Well, the kids were there and my wife, and then a couple of her friends came over, but that was about it.

[70] That's called being with your family.

[71] That's not by yourself.

[72] Well, that's true.

[73] That's true.

[74] of other people, but it wasn't like a party.

[75] So it was almost a party, but not a party.

[76] Boy, you would have been, I would have served you any kind of chips you wanted if you would have come over and liked to heard your play -by -play.

[77] It was a dreary affair, really.

[78] The kids lost interest early on.

[79] We're running around like maniacs and then just kind of collapsing.

[80] And the other people, I don't know, were not so interested in it.

[81] I was watching it, and it was a dreary few hours.

[82] I'm a Pittsburgh Steeler fan.

[83] And I didn't want the Patriots to win.

[84] Sorry, sorry to all your listeners who might feel otherwise.

[85] Anyway, I was just kind of dreary and weary about the whole thing.

[86] But if you'd been there is my point, oh boy.

[87] Well, see, this is the thing.

[88] You and I do have a connection, which is when you come on my show over the years, and this is the reason I really want to go on the podcast, I have a connection with you that's unlike my connection with anyone else.

[89] I don't often understand it, but you are a feline.

[90] You purr almost.

[91] Yes, exactly.

[92] And you come out, we're both very tall.

[93] Same height exactly.

[94] I think we are the same height.

[95] Eye to eye.

[96] We see eye to eye.

[97] Yes, oh, very good.

[98] And you come out and we start this mind meld.

[99] And I often, when our interviews over, I don't know what it is we've said.

[100] I don't know if we've said anything of consequence.

[101] But people always say, oh, my God, that was entertaining.

[102] but I often don't know what happened.

[103] Do you know what's happening when you come out?

[104] No, just now when I, we just finished another episode.

[105] I enjoyed it very much.

[106] But yeah, when I came back, I went, geez, what did I, what did we talk about?

[107] I did, I said that out loud, I think, I said, what did we say?

[108] You started at one point, because it was all uncharted.

[109] Yes, at one point you started, you pointed at my shoes, and you just started talking about shoes, and then, and you kept making those little noises the way you do.

[110] I called them a micro -organ.

[111] Yeah.

[112] And then on the show, you said something like that.

[113] And I said, not so micro.

[114] Oh, really?

[115] Oh.

[116] And I said, yeah.

[117] They're all overwhelmingly powerful.

[118] Oh.

[119] Oh, yeah.

[120] Oh, they are.

[121] Oh, they sure are.

[122] You know, that's the other thing I want to talk about.

[123] Like a skipping stone.

[124] Remember the old Andy Griffith opening?

[125] And they'd skip those.

[126] It's like a...

[127] They skip a stone on the time.

[128] Multiple, yes, ecstasies.

[129] Just skipping along the surface of the water.

[130] Okay, you're hearing the description of Jeff Gobloom describing his orgasms, multiple orgasms that fragment.

[131] That fragment and skip and hop And one orgasm exploding into another Exactly so Hey somebody said Is this true That your orgasm Is resembles the way you sneeze And I'm one of those multiple sneezers Speaking of which I'm a serial A chew, a chew, a chew How many was that?

[132] It sounds frightening for your partner You know, it really does It sounds like they don't know What's happening That would be frightening It would be when is this quake over You know Maybe so many aftershocks too those are the those catch you by surprise too you can't will you attest Matt Gorley and Sona that he is moving he is he is writhing Jeff as he's talking you can't see this because it's podcast but he's undulating slowly from side to side like a cobra as we were talking involuntarily I started to rotate my crops I've never seen anyone gyrate vertically yes you're yes Is he's still doing?

[133] My field never goes fallow.

[134] Always changing the seed.

[135] Wait, now you're creepy.

[136] Oh my God, I love it.

[137] I just because I understand, okay, I'm going to take you through my history of Jeff Goldblum.

[138] When I was a kid and I love television, this show came on TV, and I've mentioned this to Jeff before, but this show came on television.

[139] that was much better than any show I had seen on TV.

[140] It was called 10 Speed and Brown Shoe.

[141] And it was starring a brand new actor I'd never seen before, Jeff Goldblum, and alongside with Ben Varene.

[142] And it was a great show, and you were fantastic.

[143] And I was, I don't know how, was I 16, was I 17?

[144] Well, it was 1980, I think.

[145] 1980, I would have been 16, 17 years old when that came out.

[146] And I was blown away by the show and by this guy, Jeff Gullum, I just thought he's hilarious.

[147] And sure enough, he starts showing up in movies and then you made the fly and I thought, this movie is scary, but this, the guy playing, Brundle, Seth Brundle is, I believe he's real and I really like him, and he's funny and he's but he's he he's frightening the transformation to someone frightening is real and I had a lot of empathy and I thought this is one of the best horror movies I've seen when that movie came out I thought this is one of the best horror movies they've made in the last 20 years and I thought it was really you I really just believe you know yes great cast and and direction and script but I really thought that was you and I just I love you in things I think and I'm saying saying that because I have noticed that when you show up in Thor Ragnarok, you steal the show.

[148] You just, it's a delight when you're, your character, when you showed up in the first Jurassic Park, just delightful.

[149] And over and over and over again, you've managed to get this part of yourself out there on the screen because you are, it is a part of you.

[150] You are an imp.

[151] You're impish.

[152] You know, you're impish.

[153] You're very...

[154] Somebody, for Jurassic 2, when I did the second Jurassic movie, I read a review and somebody said, yes, Mr. Goldblum, this looks like a giant gnome.

[155] You shouldn't read those things.

[156] Even when they compliment you, it's never good.

[157] Sona, do I read things?

[158] Never reads anything.

[159] If someone writes an incredibly nice thing about me, everyone says, we've scanned it 35 times.

[160] It's only nice and it's superlatives.

[161] I'm like, okay, just put that in a drawer.

[162] I'll read that later.

[163] I know what you mean.

[164] I'm highly sensitive, too.

[165] That's right.

[166] Well, you get inoculated these days because there's so much opinionating going on.

[167] And so people must be saying horrible things all the time.

[168] And so you go, oh, okay, I'm not going to read below.

[169] I'm not going to read it, you know.

[170] Don't read comments on the internet.

[171] Yeah, so you can avoid.

[172] You start to learn how to avoid things, yeah.

[173] Do you?

[174] Although a producer, I did a play once, and I got bad reviews.

[175] Which play?

[176] Should I say?

[177] Because I'm going to go on to tell a story.

[178] Oh, boy.

[179] It's still a wound.

[180] It's still an open wound.

[181] Is it a play I would have seen you in?

[182] Maybe.

[183] I may reveal it at the end of this story.

[184] See if you think I can or I'm going to have a breakdown if I do.

[185] But the reviews were poor for me. Poor, poor.

[186] Bad, bad reviews.

[187] And then the producer of the theater company, famous producer, said, oh, come on in.

[188] To cheer me up, I think, the day or the day or something.

[189] two after it opened and said, you know, you're a wonderful actor, and this is what I appreciate about you.

[190] And I read something, I heard it was good.

[191] I heard we got a good review, because they were generally bad for the whole show, the whole production.

[192] I heard we got a good review.

[193] My assistant lady, blah, blah, my sona or something, bring that review in, and I'm going to read it to Jeff.

[194] He needs something to cheer him up.

[195] And he started to read it.

[196] He hadn't read it what other people say, this is a show is fine and dandy.

[197] It's good, except for Mr. Goldblum, an actor I used to admire.

[198] He goes, oh, never mind, never mind.

[199] He went to all that trouble.

[200] He went to all that trouble.

[201] Didn't realize it was going to be another blow and said, well, and then ended the interview too shortly after.

[202] He said, well, what can I say, Jeff?

[203] Here, and he had a lot of bric -a -brac on his desk, kind of mementos.

[204] He said, would you like to take something?

[205] He wanted to give me a present.

[206] He said, here, do you like Bert and Ernie?

[207] you take this little, it was a tiny bird to take this with you.

[208] I said, okay, thank you.

[209] A little rubber bird is what he gave you in exchange for reading you a bad review.

[210] Yes, it was still, it was a horrible.

[211] I'm imagining when you walk around, people are very excited to see you and they have good feelings towards you, which isn't the case with everybody.

[212] But I've also been an admirer of your lifestyle.

[213] You know, for many, many years, you were a single man on the prowl.

[214] and always I don't know how proudly I was But you were I enjoyed my single life You did enjoy your single life You did and you had a good time I'd like to go on dates I like dates Some people say Oh I don't like that terrible dates I like them What do you like about dates?

[215] What do you like about dates Well the new new Investigation and possibility And potential And you know Oh God Oh I know that part Yeah.

[216] Now, would you, I would imagine, I always thought when I was a young man and I would go on a date, there are all these things that you have to deal with, which is, you know, oh, I don't have any money, my car is terrible.

[217] I remember going to a restaurant and thinking, am I going to be able to afford this?

[218] All those problems.

[219] But then you're Jeff Goldblum and you're single and you're famous and people like you and you've got incredible clothes and you walk into a restaurant, right this way, Mr. Goldblum, right this way, and you're with this beautiful woman.

[220] That must make a date a very nice experience.

[221] Well, yeah.

[222] I mean, I've been with my sweet, sweet Emily now for seven years, so I hardly...

[223] You don't even remember those times, do you?

[224] I don't remember those times, no, they've become a blur, but...

[225] Because I filmed most of it.

[226] You did?

[227] Yes, I have films of all of your dates.

[228] Really?

[229] I'd like that.

[230] I'd like to sit with you for a week or two and go through all that footage.

[231] It would take four months.

[232] Oh, really?

[233] Yeah.

[234] It's nice.

[235] Well, you know, I'm sure I benefited from, you know, sometimes being able to, you know, get a leg up on the situation.

[236] So to speak.

[237] So to speak.

[238] With one thing or another.

[239] But of course, as we know, none of those things really make a happy life or a happy situation or a happy connection with you and somebody else.

[240] That's very finely personal and nothing that can be affected by money or the trappings of any.

[241] Any old thing.

[242] You've taken to this whole enterprise like a duck to water.

[243] Yes, I have.

[244] I have.

[245] Well, she's spectacular.

[246] She's great.

[247] She's absolutely great, isn't she?

[248] And these kids, thank goodness so far, are miraculous.

[249] You can always get out.

[250] If the kids don't turn out great, you can just walk away.

[251] There's very little emotional scarring.

[252] Let me just walk away from a child.

[253] Well, you have, of course, Liza.

[254] You talk about my wife that way.

[255] the way you said my wife's name Of course you have Well no I hardly know your wife But I'm sure What?

[256] You're sure what?

[257] I'm sure I will thrash you I will thrash you about the head and shoulders With a cudgel I enjoy that You know it's so funny For you everything's essential experience This is what I've noticed About Jeff Gobloom Everything is essential experience You know, like, here, apply this.

[258] It's time to put this drywall up.

[259] You've got to put this drywall up.

[260] We've got to get this, uh, mm, drywall.

[261] Why not enjoy it?

[262] Yeah, find the studs.

[263] Get the nail.

[264] That cudgel business got me going.

[265] The line, as we know, between pleasure and pain is sometimes papyrus thin.

[266] Madness, pure madness.

[267] But, no, but I was so interested in you.

[268] as I still am, because you've got, of course, you're too lovely kids.

[269] Yeah, I want to exchange all manner of notes and have play dates and all kind of things.

[270] I'd like to see you with your kids.

[271] Yeah, I'm a fun.

[272] Well, you can attest, so now I'm a goofy dad.

[273] I'm very goofy with my kids.

[274] I think you're a goofy person in general, and I think you are very goofy in front of your kids.

[275] Yes.

[276] I play the fool.

[277] But they seem over it sometimes.

[278] Yes, yes.

[279] They, like America, have grown weary.

[280] no not at all but i realize about myself being a now that i'm a dad that i'm a jokester i like to make joe i like to laugh they make me laugh and i like to make them laugh and i'm always joking emily's going you know she kind of lays down the law has to that's how it goes yeah you know be the constructor of guardrails and this and that and sometimes she gets critical of me in fact like you know i'm an intrusion and you know come on are you going to help this along or are you just going to make jokes you know to which i'm sensitive do you get sensitive to that if she of course.

[281] Criticizes you?

[282] I know.

[283] Yes, I'm sensitive to all criticism, but especially from your spouse.

[284] I know.

[285] And, you know, yes, occasionally if my wife, who's fantastic, but if she, if, I'm careful, because she doesn't watch the show, but she does listen to the podcast.

[286] But I love her, I love her dearly, and she's a terrific mom, best mom ever, but occasionally she'll say, oh, you maybe could have helped out more in that situation, or you could have done this, you could have done that.

[287] And I feel like I'm a wounded bear.

[288] at that point.

[289] I'm with you.

[290] Yeah.

[291] It's horrible.

[292] Just this morning, what happened just this morning?

[293] I started to kind of fumigate inside myself and, you know, and by the time we went.

[294] You would fume.

[295] I fumed.

[296] I didn't fumigate.

[297] If you fumigated, you would have.

[298] Yeah, that was cleaning out myself.

[299] Humigating is what I tried to clean myself out.

[300] But I was fuming.

[301] Yeah, sorry.

[302] I tried to make a new use of the word fumigating.

[303] I was fulminating.

[304] Yeah, there you go.

[305] Yeah, something like that.

[306] Fulmating.

[307] Yeah.

[308] I was marinating in my own juices and some kind of dark, dark aujou.

[309] But.

[310] Insanity.

[311] She's great.

[312] She's like, talk about a duck, not taking to water, but a duck when they have a run in, they flap their wings and they don't, doesn't buy them anymore.

[313] They don't carry a grudge or hold anything.

[314] Everything is of the moment.

[315] I need to be more like that myself.

[316] And I am.

[317] She's teaching me that.

[318] You know what I believe it is.

[319] I believe that in those moments, when we have those interactions with our wives, we're making them our moms and we're feeling scolded by a mom.

[320] Yes.

[321] And it's, uh...

[322] Yes.

[323] I really think that that is true.

[324] And then what you have to do is the work in your mind of saying, this isn't my mom.

[325] You're not my mother, you're not my mother, yes.

[326] This isn't 1971, and don't turn her into that.

[327] That's not fair to her.

[328] I'm sure that's true.

[329] I'm sure that's true.

[330] do you have a therapist because I could be your therapist well you know um you know this may be I don't know not a million laughs but I'm my therapist who Gary Shandling connect me to she was his therapist and I was pals with Gary Shandley became my therapist and she was wonderful Lou Katzman and but I don't know over the course and then for the last decade I would just see her as needed once a year if I'm getting into her out of a relationship or I've had some some problem And then, Emily, a couple of years into our relationship, said, gee, wouldn't it be lovely if we had a baby?

[331] What would you think about that?

[332] And it wasn't strategic or off -putting or untrustworthy at all.

[333] And I said, wow, this is serious.

[334] I'm so serious about you.

[335] This is so delightful that I should really consider this.

[336] Now, let's go in to see Lou.

[337] She hadn't met Lou Katzman.

[338] And we did.

[339] Lou Katsman sounds like an agent.

[340] I know.

[341] Like a 1940s agent.

[342] Lou Katsman.

[343] Get me Lou Katsman.

[344] You're screwing with the wrong guy.

[345] Lou Katzman's my agent.

[346] You're going to hear from him.

[347] Well, she was Luanda Katzman.

[348] She's a southern lady who married, you know, a Katzman.

[349] That's how she became Katzman.

[350] Anyway, she was very good.

[351] And over the course of that next year, we excavated all my fears, considerations about it.

[352] And after a year, I said, yeah, this could be peachy and we'll get married and have a baby.

[353] And then she, having never done it before, I know you can do this too, got herself able to officiate at the wedding.

[354] yes so she she officiated our wedding she was wonderful then she died a few months ago oh sorry to hear that yeah that's okay but why did i bring up oh so i need a new therapy yes this is this is a fertile time you know i feel as self reliant as ever you know i'm sorry but i always enjoyed therapy i found it to be a real great uh fruitful bone to chew on if i'm not mixing my metaphor is to there's no fruitful bone you wouldn't yeah no there's no bone there's no bone in fruit.

[355] And there's no fruit covered bone.

[356] Yeah, another way of saying.

[357] Yeah.

[358] That's right.

[359] Except is there no, no, no, no, no, no bones in fruit.

[360] Everyone in the room is backing out slowly.

[361] It's just the two of us.

[362] But this is such a fertile time.

[363] Yes, all the, the, the maternal connections that might be there potentially with your wife and all the new sensitivities and new passions and new mortality thoughts and this is a fertile time to talk with somebody smart and yeah I will uh I can help you in that area if you want I could be your therapist or I could recommend a therapist either both I think both would be good recommend recommend I'm sorry I think I have good so no I give good advice don't I you do but you're not like a licensed therapist I mean what are you talking about how hard could it be I'll just say hmm That sounds interesting, and how does she feel about it?

[364] Okay, well, our time's up.

[365] No, he's very good.

[366] He's very empathic.

[367] And I've never had a problem telling a therapist absolutely everything and being entirely truthful.

[368] Even with you, I'd be, should I tell them that?

[369] I don't know.

[370] We're pals too.

[371] You know, that's a different thing.

[372] Yeah.

[373] But you won't tell me the name of the plays you've been in.

[374] And then, you know, you're a cagey.

[375] You're one, one cagey minx.

[376] Let's take a quick break, a very quick break, so that I can.

[377] can do some ads.

[378] Things at Cash Cow.

[379] And now it's time for a very special edition of Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house.

[380] Let me explain quickly if my voice sounds any different.

[381] I am in the airport in Australia, Sydney, Australia right now.

[382] I just finished a week of shooting an episode here for Netflix.

[383] I also did a live show in which I made possibly the mistake of singing as loud as I could.

[384] while playing the guitar, the ACDC song.

[385] You shook me all night long in front of 2000 mystified Australians.

[386] But when I was done seeing this song, my voice was completely gone.

[387] So now I sound like a little bit like the great singer, Lou Rawls.

[388] Look them up, kids.

[389] I'm here with Andrew Blair.

[390] Thanks, Clay.

[391] Yeah, Aaron Blair, yeah.

[392] What did I just call you?

[393] You called me Andrew.

[394] Oh, my God, I've known you forever.

[395] That's true.

[396] That's how jet lagged I am.

[397] Yeah, 18 years.

[398] Okay, well, I'm here with Simon Blair.

[399] he does a great job we're back sitting here with uh it's a wonderful product jeff goldblum whenever i'm with you i find myself looking at what you're wearing what you've you've got a great watch on thank you uh i like your ring you had a uh a pinky ring for a while did you commit to it or did you get panicked here's what happened uh you know um i i i dreamed while in this in this cycle with Andrew Viterra one night that...

[400] He's here a stylist.

[401] He's my stylist.

[402] Of a pinky ray.

[403] And I liked it.

[404] And I'd be wearing it now, except tactily playing the piano and just going around.

[405] It's, I'd rather be naked on my hands and everywhere, you know.

[406] Would you like to be naked all the time?

[407] For that matter.

[408] I bet you're very comfortable with your naked body.

[409] Well, I wouldn't strip right now.

[410] No, no. No one was asking you to, I might pass a note to that effect, but I wouldn't ask you.

[411] but I get the sense that you're someone who has, you don't seem like an inhibited person.

[412] I think you'd walk around naked at home, purring, you know.

[413] You should see the kids before they get the idea that nakedness is somehow interesting or significant at all.

[414] They sure like to be naked.

[415] Boy, kids, you watch, you get to watch the human being.

[416] I'd never been around kids before, but you get to watch the human being in their unspoiled, full selves.

[417] And it's wild, isn't it?

[418] to nakedness is certainly one of them.

[419] Comfort with their bodies.

[420] Unselfconsciousness is part of their thing, of course.

[421] And speaking of which sexuality, too.

[422] Eroticism, arousability, and all sorts of things.

[423] A couple of these boys, wow.

[424] And they're always playing with it.

[425] As a matter of fact, I came home, listen to this.

[426] I did that red nose day, you know, with Richard Curtis, you know, and they give you at the end of that thing, if you want a couple of...

[427] Red noses.

[428] Red noses.

[429] Well, he'd done it before, but sure enough, he hadn't done it a while.

[430] I came in, he was naked.

[431] I came in the room.

[432] Who was naked?

[433] Charlie.

[434] Oh, Charlie, your son?

[435] Oh, I thought the guy who gave you the red nose was naked.

[436] No, no, not Richard Curtis.

[437] Three and a half year old.

[438] Let's be really clear.

[439] Richard Curtis was not naked.

[440] No, in my house.

[441] Although he's a redhead, too.

[442] You and he...

[443] What does that mean?

[444] We're all perverts?

[445] Not at all, but I'm looking at one of the foremost redheads in the cosmos.

[446] I think the most, yeah.

[447] Possibly the most.

[448] Anyway, he had this red head.

[449] nose on his penis.

[450] What?

[451] Your son put it on his penis?

[452] He did.

[453] And he was just having the best time because he's funny and he likes to make jokes.

[454] I think I've infected him with my joke making, you know, bone.

[455] And speaking of which, he had the red nose on his penis and, you know, walking around.

[456] Yeah, it was quite a sight.

[457] But he likes it.

[458] You know, they, boy, they slap it and they pinch it and they do all kinds of things.

[459] And they get erect.

[460] They get erectile, as you know, I'm sure.

[461] Often.

[462] And we try not to, you know, make any big deal about it either.

[463] Well, you're supposed to shame them.

[464] I don't think so.

[465] Really?

[466] That's what I...

[467] Okay.

[468] But no, sexuality and sex was not spoken about in my home.

[469] Really?

[470] Probably not your home either.

[471] Well, Wares had a weird...

[472] Shirley and Harold were the parents.

[473] Shirley had a particularly...

[474] Hmm.

[475] She would vacuum the house naked.

[476] What?

[477] Your mom would?

[478] Yep.

[479] She would go around with the...

[480] vacuum cleaner somehow.

[481] Yeah, she thought, I think her general credo was the human body is, you know, in the new freedoms.

[482] This is in the new freedoms era.

[483] Fine it, Andy.

[484] I'm part of the youth culture.

[485] She didn't want to want to be left out of anything.

[486] Anyway, she was, but she also was given to a complicated and probably unrealized sexuality.

[487] I'm just guessing.

[488] I'm just guessing because we already, well, maybe so.

[489] Maybe so.

[490] Anyway, she would go around.

[491] So, so.

[492] You saw your mom vacuuming nude.

[493] That must have had an influence on you.

[494] And it was a whole Philip Roth novel, to be honest with you.

[495] I won't go into it.

[496] But there was probably a lot of complication to be excavated at a later date.

[497] Right.

[498] With a professional.

[499] Which I've done some with professionals.

[500] Yes.

[501] Well, you should continue to do it.

[502] And I would continue to do it.

[503] Really?

[504] I would.

[505] You're invited.

[506] You have a standing.

[507] Would you let me sit in on a therapy session?

[508] Or do you feel, I wouldn't repeat anything.

[509] You trust me, don't you?

[510] Well.

[511] With a microphone and then we air it?

[512] Yes.

[513] Yes, I have another story I just thought of Let's hear it It sounds like a horror story I can't possibly tell this Why?

[514] Why not?

[515] Oh no, no Does it involve an erection?

[516] Yes Oh, but don't they all Don't they oh, wait Let me just ask a couple of questions And you can, does it involve your childhood Or maybe later years?

[517] My childhood?

[518] This story that you can't tell Does it involve your childhood or a little later on?

[519] Now we're getting to my adolescence Ah, newfound, yeah.

[520] And you learn that your powers increase.

[521] Yes, exactly.

[522] Your sexuality, you blossomed.

[523] Like a zucchini blossom.

[524] It is a zucchini blossom like a fruit in its...

[525] Fruit with a bone, with a bone in it this time, without the bone removed.

[526] What's the matter with us?

[527] They're going to come.

[528] What's the matter with us?

[529] Don't drag me into this.

[530] People are going to identify where we live and warn the neighbors.

[531] Listen, you...

[532] You are...

[533] You are...

[534] I said too much.

[535] No, no, no, no. I'm feeling warm under my sweater.

[536] Yeah, I think we're all feeling warm.

[537] You know, I think it's good that there are other people in the room.

[538] If it were just the two of us, it would be somehow, A, more exciting, be scarier.

[539] But it's good that we have mixed company, too, because Sona...

[540] Sonia, you'd tell us if this went too far, right?

[541] No, this is great.

[542] I don't know what's happening, but I'm enjoying it.

[543] It's very homoerotic.

[544] Really?

[545] You two are both moaning a lot.

[546] Yes.

[547] I have to say, I've always had, I, you know, I'm going to be completely open.

[548] I've always had just this affection for Jeff Goldblum.

[549] And then it, it passes on to like this, also this tactile, like, when I see him, I like to give him a hug and shake his hand.

[550] And he makes these very pleasing sounds.

[551] And so, yeah, it could be attraction.

[552] If it is, sexuality is a scale.

[553] We all know that.

[554] It's a spectrum.

[555] Matt, isn't it a spectrum?

[556] Certainly, I mean, this is the first time I've met you, and I am bewitched.

[557] He is.

[558] It's true.

[559] You are one charming son of a bitch.

[560] He's so sweet.

[561] Do you know the theme song for Bewitched?

[562] Bewitched.

[563] Is that that?

[564] That's Giants, that's Jeannie.

[565] That's I dream of Jeannie.

[566] Never mind.

[567] We're wrong.

[568] Oh, wait.

[569] No, no, no, no. Who played that, who played, wait a minute, Barbara Eden.

[570] No, no, it does not.

[571] It does not have lyrics.

[572] No, you're thinking of the movie.

[573] It used to.

[574] Yeah, she'd come in on that room.

[575] You witch, you witch.

[576] Yes, yes, that's it.

[577] Did it.

[578] Hey, you're jazzy.

[579] Hey, you could have played one of the, if they were looking for another, you know, Dick the husband, you know, because they went through a Dick replacement on that.

[580] There was Dick.

[581] They did a creepy thing on that show, which is, Dick Sargent, Dick York.

[582] Dick York had to leave the show because of a back injury.

[583] Oh, I didn't know that.

[584] And he was ill. He had to leave the show, and he was replaced by Dick Sargent, and they never said anything.

[585] I always find that scary in sitcoms when they do that, and everyone acts like it's the same person.

[586] I know.

[587] I know.

[588] I'm going to make another observation.

[589] I know you play jazz.

[590] You're very passionate about jazz.

[591] You've made this album, which is incredible.

[592] Really, the musicianship.

[593] But what's interesting is it It's no coincidence to me that you like jazz Because I think when you speak, it's jazz You know what I mean?

[594] It's very, you speak very musically And you bring things up and they occur to you And you follow them where they're going And then you dip back and then you find it different It's got a rhythm Is this make any sense at all?

[595] Sure it does, yeah.

[596] I was always naturally just excited about jazz And rhythmical things and different harmonic things and improvisation, particularly.

[597] Then I studied acting with Sanford Meisner, whose cornerstone of his technique is this particular improvisation.

[598] And even though I like to do scripted material, do I do a David Mamet play or, you know, Martin McDonough play and that, you have to, as you know, be exactly on the words.

[599] Or a Wes Anderson movie who doesn't want you to replace and with thee, etc. And then you find a kind of freedom and interesting nuance within that.

[600] That's a very beautiful creative experience.

[601] But I do enjoy doing Portlandia or Thor Ragnarok on which we improvised a lot.

[602] And I like improvisation.

[603] I like, and as you know, these talk shows, which interest me terrifically, early on, I would go on a talk show and sort of adopt the cliche and conventional posture that, oh, I like the work to speak for itself.

[604] What am I doing on this show or that?

[605] Really, because I was frightened.

[606] That occurred to me. And, but I came to see it as an opportunity for something that I enjoy doing and something that could be very special.

[607] A little improvisation with somebody who's top notch at it, you know, playing ostensibly yourself, but in a short way, what's, you know, I love everything about it.

[608] And I think it's, if there's, if you're in an environment where you feel safe, where you know that, no, we can let this go and we can let this, let's see what happens.

[609] Yeah.

[610] What do we got?

[611] Who cares?

[612] Today when I was on the show, you know, it's a radio.

[613] Rachel, whom I really enjoyed doing it.

[614] She's one of the segment producing.

[615] Said, well, we talked for a little bit on the telephone, and now I've got some questions that he may ask you.

[616] I said, well, she could have said, well, no, here.

[617] You better, you know, get ready for this.

[618] She said, okay, well, that's the best anyway.

[619] So I really didn't know anything that was going to occur when we went.

[620] And that's my kind of favorite thing.

[621] Your whole segment today was a cry for help.

[622] It was, my segment.

[623] All right.

[624] All right, well, listen, we, uh, I think we should go out to dinner.

[625] Now, here's what I ask.

[626] It's a deal, yeah.

[627] Is it just you and I?

[628] Do we get the wives involved?

[629] I think we should do all, you know, all variations of it.

[630] We should do, yes, you and I, then we should get the wives involved.

[631] Maybe you and I just first.

[632] Okay, dokey.

[633] You know, it's because the wives, they can get in the way.

[634] What?

[635] So maybe, just you and I. Okay.

[636] Would it be an Italian restaurant?

[637] What kind of cuisine are we talking about?

[638] Well, we could pick the, you know.

[639] Geez, I don't know.

[640] What kind of...

[641] I love food and I love all different manner of ambiance.

[642] What would you...

[643] What do you imagine?

[644] I see you in a very stylish restaurant.

[645] I think it would be important that it be a kind of a cool look.

[646] You know, I think that...

[647] No, I'm not saying it shouldn't be stuffy.

[648] I don't see you going to a stuffy restaurant.

[649] I don't like stuffy.

[650] I don't like fine food dining for that reason much.

[651] I don't like lengthy...

[652] But you're also a Pittsburgh guy.

[653] You might like a T -Bone steak, ribs.

[654] I like a...

[655] steak.

[656] I go for the leaner cuts of meat these days.

[657] I like a nice filet, a petite filet, yeah, at here or there.

[658] But I would do anything.

[659] But I like, you know, I did this little thing with Jonathan Gold before he passed away, speaking of which, who was wonderful.

[660] Do you know him?

[661] Did you see that documentary City of Gold?

[662] Yes.

[663] It makes you appreciate Los Angeles in a whole different way through his eyes.

[664] He was brilliant.

[665] He was brilliant.

[666] He said, you know, he made me think that, hey, this is a good place to raise kids.

[667] You can, if you drive around and expose them to the right things.

[668] This is a place of diversity and cultural interest.

[669] And food -wise, you go to these little mini -malls that I used to think, ah, ugly, ugly town, you know.

[670] But no, no, no, you can appreciate the indigenous family, authentic offerings that they have.

[671] And so we could go to Jadlata.

[672] We could go to, you know, this Thai place that was on his list.

[673] I have yet to go down the hundred, his last hundred of the list.

[674] But, you know, Musa and Franks.

[675] I like Musa and Franks.

[676] You know, I do this with a couple of friends of mine, Greg Daniels and Rodman we have a tradition where we find restaurants, Los Angeles restaurants, and the rule is they had to be in operation before we were born.

[677] And it took us to all these really interesting places downtown that have been around since the 40s or the 50s or sometimes the 20s, and you'll find out, oh, this is where the police detectives always eat and there's sawdust on the floor, but if you get the pot roast is great, and they're, they're kooky places that no one knows about.

[678] Sounds great.

[679] But I took my daughter last weekend.

[680] I took my daughter Nev down to downtown L .A. We went to Little Tokyo, and we found this little Korean barbecue place.

[681] And it was like a little hole in the wall.

[682] We went in fantastic, just a great man. We brought a friend of hers.

[683] And she's very interested in, you know, Korean and Japanese culture.

[684] And so we went into all the little shops.

[685] And L .A. is really amazing that way.

[686] It's incredible.

[687] So maybe we'll do something like, that you and I. Korean barbecue.

[688] There's a place called Suit Bull Jeep.

[689] Do you know?

[690] Suit Bull Jeep?

[691] Yeah.

[692] You go there and you cook things right on this little grill there.

[693] I said, I got the squid.

[694] And they, with a scissor, they come over with a big squid and they start cutting off some of the legs like that.

[695] It was kind of great.

[696] I like all that stuff.

[697] Let's go.

[698] Let's do some exploring.

[699] Because I have not gone out.

[700] And that's the one great thing about having kids.

[701] It must make you go, gee, let's, I need to expose them anyway to all sorts of things.

[702] And seeing it through.

[703] their eyes is kind of delightful.

[704] Well, enough with them.

[705] You get plenty of time with them.

[706] I see you and I going to a restaurant.

[707] No kids.

[708] They sound delightful, but mine neither.

[709] They're not there either.

[710] It's just you and I. It's a good idea.

[711] Night when there's no work the next day.

[712] And Muso and Franks, I asked, I ask, and no work the next day, really?

[713] Well, I'd like to just make sure that I have a clear schedule.

[714] Plenty time.

[715] Jeez.

[716] I'm getting frightened.

[717] But I'm intrigued, strangely.

[718] But I asked on the day that I worked with Jonathan Gold, I said, what do you think about Musa Franks.

[719] He said, yes, that's good.

[720] It's good.

[721] It's still good.

[722] Yeah, go there.

[723] And of course, the atmosphere is very nice.

[724] But, you know, they have things on that menu, speaking of before we were born.

[725] Right.

[726] Like Sherbet, you never see, you know, you see Sorbet these days, but Sherbet they have.

[727] That was all over the, when we were kids.

[728] Sherbert was what you ate all the time.

[729] And then it just went away.

[730] Went away.

[731] Or became Sorbet, I don't know.

[732] Yeah.

[733] It's like asbestos.

[734] One of those fun things we have when we were kids that we're not allowed to enjoy anymore.

[735] Yeah, that's right.

[736] My parents smoked Chesterfield cigarettes, pack a day or something, you know, in the car, and you get the four of us in the car and, you know, smoke away.

[737] My mom chewed tobacco.

[738] She did not.

[739] Okay, she didn't.

[740] It would have been fun if she did.

[741] Who was, who played the grandma, who played on Beverly Hillbillies?

[742] Irene Ryan.

[743] That's exactly right.

[744] And what did she smoke?

[745] Excuse me. Can we all pause for a second?

[746] Can we all pause for a second?

[747] That was fucking fast.

[748] That was me. Okay.

[749] Can we just, can you, I want someone, I want some, an engineer to look at the time between, I didn't know that was coming, the time between when he asked him when I answered.

[750] There was no cutting.

[751] It was like you were already thinking about her.

[752] You said Irene Ryan.

[753] Answered it ahead of time.

[754] When's the last time you talked about or thought about Irene Ryan?

[755] Probably a week ago.

[756] And I'm not kidding.

[757] I was very influenced by television as a child.

[758] I really appreciated those performers.

[759] She was amazing.

[760] Died before her, you know, her time really, ahead of time, she died really as the series ended, I think, and yeah, she was a, she was a young, she was much younger than she was playing.

[761] Yeah, she was a terrific, terrific actress.

[762] She was wonderful, but we'd never heard about her before then.

[763] I'm sure one could look her up and see that she was in movies.

[764] Irene Ryan, Beverly Hillbillies, Beverly Hillbillies, a very funny, creative show.

[765] Oh, yeah, Max Bear Jr., Max Bear Sr. was a heavyweight champion, of course.

[766] Buddy Ebson, I was riding down, I think in the mid -70s, When I first came to L .A. Riding down Lassianig or something, who pulls up next to me?

[767] Mr. Ebson, a friend was with me, but I didn't have the authority or confidence to go.

[768] And I think I went, Mr. Ebson, and he didn't see me, and he went, and the friend kept ribbing me about that.

[769] Oh, Mr. Ebson.

[770] My greatest joy in life is, of course, Ellie Mae, Donna Douglas.

[771] Donna Douglas.

[772] Sorry.

[773] The cement pond.

[774] I'm going out with the critters in the cement pond.

[775] She was fantastic.

[776] Yes, we could go on and on.

[777] Right around my adolescence, as a matter of fact You know what, really, I said Gilligan's Island Oh my God You know what I was, I was into Marianne much more than Ginger I was into Ginger No, I knew Ginger wouldn't give me the time of day But I knew that Marianne would like me Really?

[778] And she would take me back in the coconut trees I met you know ginger It happened right around the time I was Speaking of the story that we didn't tell Right around I was coming of an age with Oh my God age.

[779] Yeah.

[780] And she was the one of my first, the first, in fact, stimulant into some new phase in my maturity.

[781] You know, she's still with us, and we could probably contact her and let her know that she made you a man for the first time alone.

[782] She did, indeed.

[783] Listen to this.

[784] She was 20 years later in my early 30s, maybe, I did this show about jazz with Forrest Whitaker, where we played.

[785] It was called Lush Life.

[786] I played a side man, a sax.

[787] I pretended to play the saxophone.

[788] But I was a womanizer of some kind or not.

[789] And then we played a gig, and I was supposed to get together with this lady, older lady who I just met there.

[790] And we went up to an upstairs bathroom or bedroom and had sex quickly.

[791] And then a little scene happened between us.

[792] I had the part with the producers and the director.

[793] We auditioned several women.

[794] including Tina Louise.

[795] Oh my God.

[796] So you got to meet her?

[797] I got to meet her, and we did the scene together in which she had to sit on my lap and kind of a coup and maybe we kissed her briefly.

[798] We did it.

[799] Isn't that crazy when we've had this experience, because I've had the same experience, where someone that I, you know, found very sexually stimulating in puberty, and you think, well, that would never, never meet them.

[800] And then later on, you meet them and they hug you and they're affectionate.

[801] It's very crazy when that happens.

[802] I had that with Farah Fawcett.

[803] Farah Fawcett.

[804] Yes, yes.

[805] Farah Fawcett came on my show.

[806] And after the show, I went into the dressing room, and she just said, well, I had a really great time.

[807] And, you know, the next thing I, she just hugged me. She gave me a nice hug.

[808] And she was, and I was in a very small room.

[809] hugging this woman who was the apple of my eye, a tender age.

[810] I know exactly.

[811] I met Farrah Fawcett.

[812] Our band was playing a cigar club in Beverly Hills, on Cannot Drive.

[813] She was there.

[814] And we found ourselves, anyway, we shared an embrace.

[815] The police are coming.

[816] Quick, I let's get out the window now.

[817] Sona called the police.

[818] This has been, I feel like there's an alternate universe where you and I do a podcast that I think lasts 800 hours and food is brought in and occasionally we sleep but we still murmur.

[819] I look forward to it.

[820] Yes, maybe that alternate universe is very close to this one.

[821] We can get there quick.

[822] An absolute delight.

[823] And you know, I'll say this about Jeff Goldblum as we sign off.

[824] He is what you think he is.

[825] is.

[826] He's one of the more authentic people I've come across.

[827] He really, he really is Jeff Goldblum.

[828] This is not an act.

[829] And it's delightful.

[830] I adore you.

[831] Coming from you, high praise indeed.

[832] And I all cherish this moment forever.

[833] I doubt it.

[834] I think you'll forget it very quickly.

[835] But still, it was a nice thing to say.

[836] That's true.

[837] Jeff Goldblum.

[838] Conan O 'Brien.

[839] And now it's time for a segment called Conan O 'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach.

[840] House.

[841] Conan, Sona, this is an important moment.

[842] It's time to discuss the results of the latest drawing contest.

[843] The one we did as a blind drawing contest so that nobody was voting for or against a person, but for the art itself.

[844] How do you guys feel about your results before I tell you?

[845] I've never been less nervous about anything in my life.

[846] In my deepest, most sound, REM sleep.

[847] Because I'm so confident.

[848] I am an artist.

[849] Oh, my God.

[850] I think, I feel completely unthreatened by Sona's cabin of dildos that she's inked.

[851] And I think that I'm going to win.

[852] I don't think I'm going to win.

[853] I know I'm going to win.

[854] Okay.

[855] Here's the thing.

[856] I didn't feel good about it when I drew it.

[857] I didn't feel good about it when I saw it this morning on Twitter.

[858] and if I was Conan, I would feel the same he is spilling right now.

[859] I would feel very confident about his doodle.

[860] Also, you called yourself an artist, but you just, you're really good at doodling.

[861] All you doodle is doodle.

[862] This calls for doodling, so I doodle.

[863] I know, I'm just saying.

[864] If I was in a contest that required me to paint like Rembrandt, I would because I always match the occasion.

[865] That's my ability.

[866] Okay, no, I didn't feel good about this.

[867] You're right, my house looks like it was made of dildos, and I don't, everything just didn't work.

[868] And I think I just want to, again, go to, what comes to mind to me is that dildos would be a terrible building material for a cabin.

[869] Not that I know, not that I have a lot of experience, but I think they're wobbly.

[870] Well, it depends on what they're made out of.

[871] What?

[872] Aren't dildos wobbly?

[873] Not all of them.

[874] I think...

[875] Some are strong.

[876] Wait.

[877] Gourley?

[878] What do you mean?

[879] This is just common knowledge.

[880] You really jumped in.

[881] Sorry.

[882] Yeah, you did jump in.

[883] And you say, well, actually, that's a common misconception.

[884] No. There are many kinds of dildo.

[885] But I'm also considering...

[886] And they have many consistencies depending on your needs, said Gawley.

[887] Why, there's the IK35B -7.

[888] I'm casting my vote persona right now.

[889] I'm considering that I think that though they look like dildos, they're made out of wood like a log cabin.

[890] So these are like George W. Washington -era dildos.

[891] Yeah.

[892] I think that I definitely cornered the dildo market.

[893] I think people who like dildos would like my cabin better.

[894] I think people who like drawing would like yours.

[895] Washington -era dildos, common misconception, not made of wood.

[896] Made of ivory.

[897] Oh, so you know a little something about dildos yourself.

[898] No, I know a lot about history.

[899] Uh -huh.

[900] So ivory is common.

[901] God, I'm so wanting to throw this your way.

[902] I have the power to just reveal these results.

[903] Sona.

[904] Yeah, but the fact that you're gritting your teeth and you're frustrated and you don't seem happy right now, even though you want Sona to win, I'm a master at reading faces.

[905] I have won.

[906] I have won overwhelmingly.

[907] This isn't even close.

[908] You know?

[909] Yeah.

[910] This is like the Civil War battle of three forks, or was it five forks?

[911] Right in with your answer.

[912] The results of the second blind drawing contest of a log cabin with a smoking chimney and a lumberjack.

[913] Let's get to the part where I win.

[914] Excuse me. If people haven't tuned in, they need to know.

[915] Okay.

[916] Drawing two sonas comes in at 18%.

[917] Oh, my God.

[918] Drawing number one comes in at 82%.

[919] 18 % to 82%.

[920] Hey, how you feeling now, Goldwater?

[921] Oh.

[922] Do you even get that?

[923] There's so many young people that don't get that.

[924] Goldwater ran against Lyndon Johnson in 64.

[925] He was crushed.

[926] But 82 % to 18%.

[927] That's amazing.

[928] This is important.

[929] There are 2 ,204 votes in.

[930] There are still 20 hours left in this poll.

[931] Yeah, sure.

[932] You know, I don't feel good about it.

[933] We felt it was enough that we could call the election.

[934] It was like the Nixon lands.

[935] I prefer the Lyndon Johnson Goldwater example of 64.

[936] Yeah.

[937] Okay.

[938] All right.

[939] Or maybe it's just two people who doodled and one doodled better.

[940] Right.

[941] Yeah.

[942] One shows a cabin of, you know what?

[943] There's an old Bible passage.

[944] It says when you build your house upon the sand, you know, you're going to fail, you know.

[945] And I think you built your cabin upon dildos.

[946] You know what?

[947] I would never think to do this, but your hubris is so large right now that I'm tempted to challenge you to a drawing contest.

[948] Do it.

[949] No, no, no. I don't think you can handle it.

[950] Well, first of all, Matt, I'm like a Western gunfighter.

[951] I can't fight every goose.

[952] Hayseed who stumbles into town with a rusty six -shooter.

[953] Do you know what I mean?

[954] You can if that person gets insulted and pulls a gun.

[955] Yeah, but your gun that you're going to pull because you just got off the wagon and you're like, gosh, there's Wild Bill Hickok.

[956] I think I'll take him on.

[957] And then you whip out this six -shooter that your pappy gave you and it's all rusty and the barrel falls off and all the pieces fall into the mud.

[958] And you go, oh, Mr. Hickok, can you come back here?

[959] Well, I'll assemble my gun.

[960] And I'm already gone.

[961] I'm in a saloon.

[962] So, no, I can't take the time to walk back and sift through the mud and help you put together your ancient pea shooter so that then we can stage a contest in which you're killed.

[963] You're a coward.

[964] No, but you now, it's just like, huh, I bet I'm a better drawer than you, and then I'll beat you.

[965] And then you'll be like, wait a minute, I found a friend who's good at drawing.

[966] Let's get him in here.

[967] and now you'll draw against him.

[968] But what if you don't beat me?

[969] Oh, God.

[970] This is just depressing.

[971] You're the worst winner.

[972] You're such a terrible person when you win.

[973] This is me. Deal with it.

[974] Okay.

[975] You know what I'm doing?

[976] I'm patterning myself after Trump.

[977] I really am.

[978] He has taught us that when you win, you just talk about it incessantly, and that's what I, you know, that's what I want.

[979] Well, then I'll beat Trump.

[980] I won that doodle off, by a lot of votes.

[981] Yeah, and did you have Russia help you?

[982] I did get assistance in Russia.

[983] I got a lot of assistance from Russia.

[984] Okay, we can do a, you and I, let's do a, we'll do a drawing contest sometime down the line.

[985] But let's move on.

[986] Because I do think there's important matters that we need to address.

[987] We have, I'm told, a massive amount of listeners out there that are relying on us to guide them through this dark period in American history.

[988] So in this segment.

[989] we need to now go to something.

[990] Do you want to take a voicemail?

[991] Sure, I'll take a voicemail.

[992] Okay.

[993] This isn't a question.

[994] Because somebody tells Sona to not say Freddie Mercury, say Freddie Mirr -Merc, year -re.

[995] I know I just messed up.

[996] What the fuck?

[997] But still.

[998] She said it about 40 times in the Markmanon episode.

[999] Who can't know where there is going on?

[1000] Wait a minute.

[1001] What's this guy's name?

[1002] Did I pronounce Mercury wrong?

[1003] He did.

[1004] Do I still pronounce it wrong?

[1005] There it was right.

[1006] Mercury.

[1007] No. There you did it wrong.

[1008] No, no, mercury.

[1009] Mercury.

[1010] Yeah, sometimes you go mercury.

[1011] Well, okay.

[1012] Okay.

[1013] And you know what?

[1014] Let's just back this whole thing up.

[1015] First of all, I love that this guy is getting on his last nerve.

[1016] He heard you on one podcast and he's ready to pull his hair out.

[1017] I've been with you for ten.

[1018] Calm down, bro.

[1019] I've been with you for ten years.

[1020] You have tormented me with your actions.

[1021] and this guy's complaining?

[1022] Okay.

[1023] Well, all right.

[1024] Okay.

[1025] First of all, I didn't know I was saying the word wrong, but I also didn't know I pronounced my G's heart until you said it every single time I say a word that's like walking, talking, hangover.

[1026] You always say you go hangover.

[1027] And I've tried to help you because I want you to assimilate to this country.

[1028] I was born in this country, but...

[1029] We don't know for sure.

[1030] Yes, we do.

[1031] There are no records of your birth.

[1032] There are.

[1033] It's called the birth certificate.

[1034] It is the record of my birth and it is from Monobello, California.

[1035] I've asked your parents to produce.

[1036] I asked your parents to produce records and they shrugged and then they handed over some leaves.

[1037] And I said those are leaves.

[1038] Now listen, I love them.

[1039] They're a great.

[1040] The Armenian people are a great and proud people.

[1041] And that, you know what?

[1042] Going off of that, I was raised by immigrants.

[1043] I was surrounded by immigrants and a lot of the words I say are incorrect.

[1044] and I used to sing questions.

[1045] I can't say the word brewery or prerequisite.

[1046] I can't say those words.

[1047] There are a lot of things I say incorrectly.

[1048] What was brewery?

[1049] A place where they make beer.

[1050] Is it brewery?

[1051] Bury.

[1052] You can't do it?

[1053] I can't say it.

[1054] Say it again.

[1055] Burry.

[1056] Burry?

[1057] Can you say the English, the fine English clothing maker, burberry?

[1058] Can you say that?

[1059] Burberry.

[1060] Say I bought some burberry at the brewery.

[1061] I bought some burberry at the brewery.

[1062] Burberry because...

[1063] This sucks so hard.

[1064] Say I got some burberry.

[1065] I bought burberry at the brewery.

[1066] For Freddie Mercury.

[1067] Yeah.

[1068] I bought burberry at the brewery for Freddie Mercury.

[1069] Okay.

[1070] You're having a total meltdown.

[1071] This is so stupid.

[1072] Here's the thing, though.

[1073] A lot of the words that I say incorrectly are because I was saturated with a lot of accents growing up, I think.

[1074] It is true.

[1075] Your parents have very thick accents.

[1076] No, well, my mom has a thicker accent.

[1077] Then my dad came here in the 60s.

[1078] He's fine.

[1079] He's not.

[1080] that bad.

[1081] But it's not.

[1082] It's not just him.

[1083] It's all my aunts and uncles.

[1084] I speak three languages so I can do that.

[1085] What is his name?

[1086] What's this guy's name?

[1087] First of all, fuck this guy.

[1088] Yeah, that was, I didn't like his tone.

[1089] And I'm going to stick up for you.

[1090] I did not like his tone at all.

[1091] And if he were here, I would beat him within an inch of his life.

[1092] Yeah, thank you.

[1093] But he's not here.

[1094] So we can only imagine the beating that he would have.

[1095] Thank you for sticking up No, I do stick up for you You're my friend I care about you And I don't like Someone being snide to you What I do find interesting Is that Freddie Mercury Is one of your all -time heroes You love Freddie Mercury I do love him, sure And so it's interesting That you would mispronounce His name of all names Do you know what I mean?

[1096] I didn't know I was mispronounce Can you Do you pronounce everything perfectly?

[1097] I do you?

[1098] that's not true oh I'm sorry but I edit this podcast and you say mortgage mortgage instead of what mortgage I say what I mean mortgage you say I got to pay off my beach house mortgage yeah you know why I do that do you know why I do that do you know why I do that no I don't I do it because it has a foxy charm and I do it intentionally because if a celebrity says I have to pay off my mortgage then people say, what a dick.

[1099] Who cares?

[1100] You're a celebrity.

[1101] You probably have the money to pay it off.

[1102] We don't want to hear about your problems.

[1103] Probably with a supermodel right now, you know?

[1104] But I always say, I got to pay off my mortgage.

[1105] You never say it like, no. Like a sexy baby?

[1106] No. It's got a little bit of a Midwestern twang when I do it.

[1107] And I do it on purpose.

[1108] Yeah, but you shimmied your shoulders when you say, oh.

[1109] I got to pay off my mortgage.

[1110] It's got a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of the, late Carol Channing in it, it's what I'm doing is I'm being folksy.

[1111] Yeah.

[1112] Yeah, I do that.

[1113] I do that intentionally.

[1114] I am a master wordsmith.

[1115] I'm a professional speaker of words.

[1116] And anytime you think that I'm mispronouncing something, there is an intention behind it.

[1117] Even when you asked her parents to propose her birth certificate?

[1118] Yeah, you mess that word up.

[1119] No, that's actually, that was a mini -stroke.

[1120] That doesn't count as mispronouncing when you have a cerebral.

[1121] occlusion.

[1122] Okay.

[1123] Now, back to Sona.

[1124] Well, actually, can we continue on you for a second?

[1125] Sure.

[1126] Because you also came from a family that has a lot of accents.

[1127] I don't think I have it.

[1128] It creeps in.

[1129] New England creeps in when you talk sometimes.

[1130] I hate that I'm mispronouncing words right now.

[1131] But anyway, I think Sona should get a pass because the fact that you're speaking, which as well as you do is a miracle.

[1132] Oh, God.

[1133] You've been here, whatever, six years, seven years.

[1134] You came here and not...

[1135] I've been working for you for 10 years.

[1136] Okay.

[1137] You came to America and...

[1138] Oh, God, my God.

[1139] No, this is you, this is a big...

[1140] Remember the first day you came to work and you were frightened by the elevator?

[1141] And I said, you said, magic room took me to...

[1142] And I was like, no, no. Let's use the stairs and we'll talk about that later.

[1143] Those are all true facts.

[1144] But Sona, I am proud that I have been your tutor.

[1145] And your gateway to this wonderful country.

[1146] I want this to end.

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] So, yeah, I'm going to mispronounce words.

[1149] And you can suck it, the guy who left this voicemail.

[1150] I'm with you on that one.

[1151] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1152] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1153] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1154] Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song.

[1155] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1156] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1157] Got a question for Conan?

[1158] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1159] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1160] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1161] on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1162] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.