#94 - Joey Diaz (Part 1)

[0] Just give me like a right now.

[1] We're on a Ustream right now.

[2] Oh, my God.

[3] We're live.

[4] Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by the Fleshlight.

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[6] Enter in the code name Rogan.

[7] You get 15 percent off.

[8] All right.

[9] And with that said, buckle up, bitches.

[10] Here we go.

[11] Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house.

[12] Oh, yeah.

[13] A lot of people have been complaining that this is lame music.

[14] A lot of people have been saying, you know, this song is just not befitting of such a fucking dynamic podcast.

[15] Why you got some fucking fruity tootie tunes playing there?

[16] Why don't you got some?

[17] Because we don't want, first of all, we don't want the song to overshadow the show.

[18] What if the song is better than the show?

[19] And you're like, why don't you fuck stop talking and play some more of that groovy music you were just hitting me with?

[20] Joe Diaz is in the motherfucking house, bitches.

[21] What's up, baby?

[22] That's all you need to know.

[23] Forget about that goddamn opening music.

[24] Don't be tripping.

[25] Shit.

[26] Don't be tripping, people.

[27] Don't get your shit together, kids.

[28] The best is when somebody complains about that song and then they send you their, like, keyboard.

[29] Oh.

[30] They're songs of death.

[31] And they'll send it to you a thousand times.

[32] Just in case you didn't get it the first 50 ,000 times when I sent it.

[33] This is a new one.

[34] I've put some echo to the drums.

[35] It's a little bit different now.

[36] That's great.

[37] I'm ready to leave, Joe Diaz.

[38] If this fucking earthquake comes, I'm gone, baby.

[39] Back to the mountains with the full posse.

[40] Load him up in the Lexus.

[41] Leave everything behind, Hollaberk.

[42] What locations could still get hit in this country?

[43] You got San Francisco, Oregon.

[44] California, Nashville, what other points is the fault on that we...

[45] Well, there's other faults.

[46] There's a fault near New York.

[47] Right, there's a fault near New York.

[48] Yeah, there's a bunch of faults, man. It's like, here's the deal, honestly.

[49] We know what moves on a regular basis, but that doesn't preclude things from moving on a unique basis.

[50] There could be some fucking new shit that happens anyway.

[51] We don't have this shit wired.

[52] We don't know what the hell's going on.

[53] There's some recent study where these scientists are going to drill into the Earth's mantle all the way through the fucking core.

[54] It's going to take five.

[55] They're trying to figure out how to do it.

[56] It's like they're like little kids.

[57] It's like, well, we know we can't use a regular drill because it'll melt.

[58] So they're trying to figure out how the fuck they're going to get a drill that drills all the way down to the mantle.

[59] And you ask them why.

[60] What are you doing?

[61] Is there leprechauns down there?

[62] They're going to give you gold?

[63] What's going on?

[64] Is there aliens down there that are going to suck your dick?

[65] What are you doing?

[66] Why are you drilling down to the mantle?

[67] Because people are silly fucks, and we just want to see what's up.

[68] We just want to see what's up.

[69] We want to try.

[70] Sometimes you've got to dig a hole to find something.

[71] Yeah, but what the fuck?

[72] Fuck, man. What if they dig a hole through the Earth's mantle and the Earth becomes like a fucking balloon with a hole in it and just goes flying around the galaxy?

[73] What if lava shoots out of it like a balloon?

[74] You know how you go and you blow up a balloon and you let it go?

[75] How about that?

[76] What if the Earth becomes like that?

[77] Like a balloon that doesn't, is not tied off at the end.

[78] And the Earth flies around the galaxy all fucking haphazardly like a balloon.

[79] What if we find out the Earth is really made out of rubber?

[80] This whole mantle and all this other bullshit, this is just outside the balloon.

[81] This is like the decoration on the balloon.

[82] But if you pop that motherfucker, it will just fly around.

[83] Yeah, we slamming at Jupiter and shit.

[84] We slamming at other planets.

[85] That's just the most fucked up thing about space is that occasionally planets hit each other.

[86] Goddamn, son.

[87] Could you imagine what kind of chaos there would be in this world if we saw a planet coming our way?

[88] If you saw Mars.

[89] Like, for sure, Mars is coming.

[90] It might take five years, but it's going to hit the Earth, and we're fucked, and there's not a goddamn thing we can do to stop it.

[91] There it is.

[92] You see it in the sky.

[93] It gets a little bigger every night.

[94] By the time it got real close, people would be losing their fucking minds.

[95] It'd be a party.

[96] It'd be fucking great.

[97] It wouldn't be a party.

[98] You know what it would be like?

[99] Oh, like Road Warrior with knives and stabbing people.

[100] It would be like that scene in Event Horizon.

[101] You remember that movie Event Horizon with Lawrence Fishburne?

[102] You don't remember that?

[103] Badass fucking science fiction movie.

[104] Sam Shepard and I think it's Sam Shepard and Lawrence Fishburne.

[105] And it's about a spaceship that punches a hole through a wormhole.

[106] They travel to a distant part in the galaxy by folding the space and time together like two pieces of paper, punching a hole through it and arriving on the other end.

[107] But when they did that, they didn't realize that they actually went to hell.

[108] So these guys get to this Event Horizon ship.

[109] It comes back.

[110] Everyone's dead, and they get a video of the crew and the captain and everything.

[111] They find out later in the movie what happened to them, and they're pulling their own eyeballs out and screaming shit and latting and killing each other and biting each other apart and cutting each other open.

[112] That's what it's going to look like.

[113] It's not going to be like, everyone's like, we're going to be fucking.

[114] You're not going to be fucking, okay?

[115] When there's Mars, it's like 100 times bigger than the moon.

[116] Would you kill yourself?

[117] Maybe a thousand times.

[118] I don't know what the fuck I would do.

[119] I think I would fucking kill myself.

[120] I would kill yourself.

[121] I would just close my fucking eyes and wish for the best.

[122] I'm not tapping out that fucking easy.

[123] Can you pull up that song, Dreamweaver?

[124] Can you pull up that song right now?

[125] You're not pulling that song up.

[126] It's too early for that shit.

[127] We got to establish the show first.

[128] You're going to hit it with this gay music and shit.

[129] No, I want to hear what you would do.

[130] I want to hear what you would do over that song.

[131] No, I don't want to do nothing.

[132] First of all, that shit wouldn't happen in our time.

[133] We got no fucking problems.

[134] If I see shit coming, I just go home, stock up on some fucking herb, get some good books, and wait for the shit to drop.

[135] What are you going to do?

[136] You're going to get on the 405 with these fucking idiots?

[137] You know, what are you going to do, get on the 110?

[138] Guys with helicopters will just be pissing in your head out of their helicopter and laughing at you where you're stuck in this stupid grid.

[139] There won't be no fucking helicopters.

[140] There's haters in this fucking city.

[141] They'll be shooting you down.

[142] We're going, we're going, we're going.

[143] It's going to be fucking chaos.

[144] Yeah, you know, it's interesting.

[145] People didn't really learn about human behavior from the Rodney King riots.

[146] But that's what should have taught you.

[147] This is what's possible with something so simple as...

[148] A verdict for someone who you don't even know, who you saw get beat up, and they let the cops go.

[149] And these motherfuckers were going crazy, throwing rocks at white people, smashing their fucking, and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[150] It was a racially charged issue.

[151] I understand people have this feeling of an unfair society, and it's set up.