159 - Live at the Lyric in Baltimore

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVeyne, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] What's up, Baltimore?

[17] All the way in the back, all the way in the back.

[18] Oh, my God, the loudest ever.

[19] Yes.

[20] Wow, good job, guys.

[21] Very bold of you to give us an opening standing ovation.

[22] This totally unearned standing ovation.

[23] Thank you.

[24] Wow.

[25] You don't even know what we're about to say.

[26] Oh, man. Here comes our Christian agenda.

[27] Ready?

[28] In rap form.

[29] Yeah.

[30] Yes.

[31] White Rack, Christian White Rapp, for two hours straight.

[32] Horrifying.

[33] That's right.

[34] That's what this tour is all about.

[35] Hi, everybody.

[36] Thanks for being here.

[37] Thank you for coming out in the fucking snow.

[38] In the snow.

[39] What is that shit?

[40] What are you guys doing?

[41] It's freezing and then it's wet?

[42] What the fuck?

[43] The lovely woman who drove us here at Tammy was like, you know when you're a kid and your parents' bun, you up to go out in the snow, and we're both like, no. We're from California.

[44] I only know that because I watched a Christmas story 17 times.

[45] That's right.

[46] And then you have to pee.

[47] I know that because it happened in a movie.

[48] Yeah.

[49] But no. No. We've only been taken two already fallen snow.

[50] Yep.

[51] Where the sun is shining brightly.

[52] And people are like, hurry up and play before it melts.

[53] Go.

[54] That's the snow.

[55] We know.

[56] We both had a, when we got to Philly yesterday, we both had to go buy like winter clothes because even though Vince was like it's going to be cold, it's going to be cold, we're both like okay.

[57] Yeah.

[58] And then we went out there and I was like, this hurts a lot.

[59] I did that thing that's very, it's very California where I go out and then I'm like shut up, polar vortex.

[60] Big deal.

[61] And on the walk home from CVS, I could not feel my pinky.

[62] I was like, I've lost I've already lost one digit and I've been out out here for four minutes.

[63] It's the least important, did it?

[64] Unless you're a Cokehead.

[65] I don't know.

[66] What'd you say?

[67] Oh, shit.

[68] I'm going to have to grow my thumbnail really long.

[69] Do it all backwards and weird.

[70] No more tea parties.

[71] You'll never be a proper lady again.

[72] Nope.

[73] Well, fuck it.

[74] Hey, this is a different dress from last night.

[75] That's right.

[76] I changed it.

[77] Oh, cool.

[78] I just noticed.

[79] Thank you.

[80] And you know why.

[81] The other one didn't have pocket.

[82] That's right.

[83] Thank you so much.

[84] Thank you.

[85] That's my super casual, put your microphone in your pocket walk.

[86] Then everyone on Broadway knows how to do.

[87] Amazing.

[88] How about your dress for a job?

[89] Okay, so this is my new thing.

[90] And this, remember last tour at the end?

[91] I was like, I'm going to wear whatever I want now.

[92] And you were like, you should buy a dress on every weekend and wear it.

[93] Yes.

[94] And I was like, that seems.

[95] hard, and then I did it.

[96] I bought this yesterday.

[97] I think it's going to be the last time it happens.

[98] And I was just walking and I found a Buffalo Exchange I went in.

[99] They had a vintage rack.

[100] It basically said Georgia on it.

[101] And I bought this for $12.

[102] Hell yeah.

[103] Thank you.

[104] We love a bargain.

[105] We love a bargain.

[106] And the reason I bought it is because this is how I pick vintage clothing.

[107] When I pick it up off the rack, it makes me laugh.

[108] I'm like, I have to wear this.

[109] Doesn't this look like I'm, um, what's that movie?

[110] Working girl?

[111] Or nine to five.

[112] Dugga, douga, douga, douga, douga, dougas.

[113] Rolling out of bed and sexually harassed, rolling out of bed, sexually harassed all day long.

[114] Dabney Coleman sexually harasses me. Don't tell Dolly, I sang it like that.

[115] She'd be so mad.

[116] And you can tell I didn't plan on wearing it because I would never normally wear silver and gold together.

[117] but I had a different dress I was going to wear so fuck it here's what we do yeah we're going to get some spray paint we're going to spray paint that belt the whole dress yep you stay in it we'll put a washcloth in your mouth we're going to spray that thing down this is life on the road oh this is the podcast my favorite murder by the boy Karen Kilgara hi this is my voice This is Georgia Heart's Dark Stephen couldn't come He said he doesn't like you Would I ever do that Every time we talk about Stephen Because he's the first person that hears all of these live shows He sits at home This little headphones That also have mustaches on them And he hears them first So I always try to say something terrible Up top Because I know that it hurts him deeply No he's not allowed in the snow His mustache just breaks off you know like and that's um a major artery for him so he would die he would die if it froze off of his face it's really it's something to behold yeah tell you that so we had to leave him so we left him at home we left him at him home we left adamant home um we had to talk to somebody day who was like tell me a little bit about uh your live show and i go well it starts with this huge dance number and they didn't laugh then he goes really Really?

[118] I'm like, oh, you don't know who we are at all.

[119] Then I was like, yeah, I guess we should start working on that dance number.

[120] I guess we need to start giving the people something at the top of this.

[121] You already did 9 to 5.

[122] What more do they want from you?

[123] Dunga, dug it.

[124] We could all do it.

[125] It's easiest song to sing.

[126] Usually, oh, did you bring this rug from home?

[127] I brought this rug from home.

[128] I bought it at Buffalo Exchange.

[129] It was $3.

[130] They have such nice rugs at Buffalo.

[131] No. No, I was going to say we don't have a ton of anecdotes for you here because we came, we thought we were going to die in the car ride here.

[132] We drove up from Philly.

[133] It's so fucking frightening when you turn.

[134] So Vince is like the chillest dude ever.

[135] He's my husband.

[136] I can tell when he's not chilling out.

[137] Thank you.

[138] And our tour manager.

[139] That's why he's in this story.

[140] so he's driving here and he grew up in Michigan so snow shouldn't phase him and he is fucking leaning over the hand he's leaning forward I called them the handlebars he's leaning over it's a bike okay we're all in a tandem bike all on Vince's 10 speed yeah it's cute he was so determined and I was how you doing baby do you need anything do you want me you know and I'm just freaking out myself I was I think I looked down the entire time because I was just like, I feel like, I don't understand how, like, that idea that you could just hit an ice patch and go spinning away into infinity.

[141] It's like the scariest shit.

[142] Dude.

[143] It's nuts.

[144] You guys know that there's places that don't snow, right?

[145] Yeah.

[146] The roads never have ice or salt on them at all.

[147] I asked him when we were walking in Philly.

[148] So is that, is that salt?

[149] I didn't.

[150] I thought it was snow.

[151] Who's littering?

[152] Dang.

[153] Melting.

[154] Is it rice?

[155] Oh, we, by the way, we have an inn in the FBI.

[156] What?

[157] Vince's niece, Erin, is in the, I have a fucking niece in the FBI I found out recently.

[158] We're clear.

[159] Let's get out of here.

[160] Cut to her, and she's running the Cleary Starling.

[161] Climbing a fence.

[162] Climbing up a rope.

[163] Gray sweatsuit.

[164] Is that what she's like?

[165] Sexual harassment.

[166] Sexual harassment.

[167] Sexual harassment.

[168] Folks like me in silence of the lambs.

[169] Terrible.

[170] That's right.

[171] That's what she did.

[172] Should we stand?

[173] I guess we should.

[174] Okay.

[175] Looks like it.

[176] Ooh.

[177] Gorgeous.

[178] It's like chocolate and peanut butter.

[179] This absolutely looks like someone went back in a time machine to IBM headquarters in 1980.

[180] They're like, we'll have two of your highest chairs.

[181] Okay, so now commences for the next, what, 60 minutes, me awkwardly trying to sit and look casual with a microphone.

[182] That's all I do on these things.

[183] There it is.

[184] What's your...

[185] It's very weird.

[186] Someday we'll have bespoke chairs, but until then...

[187] That are built to our bodies.

[188] That's when I would stop listening if I were you.

[189] Please stop supporting us when we start building bespoke chairs for live shows.

[190] We've gone too far.

[191] I beg you.

[192] We won't know.

[193] We won't be able to call it ourselves.

[194] You have to be the ones.

[195] Yeah.

[196] It's this tricky little spot.

[197] It's an odd position to be in.

[198] Do you want to tell them about the podcast casually?

[199] Oh, also, my $12 dress doesn't sit well.

[200] This might be why whoever owned it before me got rid of it.

[201] Because it kept riding up.

[202] Look at this.

[203] Dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga.

[204] Yeah, that's a lot of material in just a spot that helps nothing.

[205] It feels like a jellyfish.

[206] Uh -huh.

[207] It was living in my dress.

[208] That's dangerous.

[209] Well, I could just pee on it at any moment, though, if I needed to.

[210] That's a jellyfish, right?

[211] Yeah.

[212] Oh, also, I'm not wearing my spanks tonight because they sphration.

[213] Imagine it.

[214] We got paid the same.

[215] But it's, but it's, but it's, but, I can't follow that up.

[216] No, what were you trying to say?

[217] It's because they smell like beef jerky.

[218] Like, literally.

[219] For real?

[220] So we went, Vince and I found a beef jerky store.

[221] What flavor?

[222] All of them.

[223] Terriaki?

[224] Yes.

[225] No. We found a beef jerky store.

[226] Oh.

[227] We bought a ton of beef jerky.

[228] I'm not fucking just saying that.

[229] Like, I stink.

[230] Oh.

[231] My fuck, and I accidentally put my tights.

[232] These smell, too, but I needed to wear them.

[233] In the same bag as the beef jerky.

[234] Oh.

[235] I honestly thought you were like, I might have a medical condition.

[236] I'm starting to emit the smell of beef jerky through my pores.

[237] Jerky spanks.

[238] It's a real problem.

[239] It's a real, it's an issue women face today.

[240] Dunga, dunga, dunga.

[241] So, yeah, so this is a true crime comedy podcast.

[242] I bring it up because, as you well know, some of you insist upon bringing outsiders to these shows.

[243] You insist upon dragging those who don't know what's going on, making them sit next to you, whether it's because you're codependent, or someone just flaked out on you, whatever it might be.

[244] There are people here who need a bit of an explanation.

[245] So just for those people, speaking to you, we need you to know this is, although comedy is, involved.

[246] We don't think that the worst thing that can happen to a human being is funny.

[247] It's not what we joke about.

[248] It's just because the George and I in the way we communicate with each other, being funny people.

[249] That's how conversationally we kind of process this incredibly terrible news that you'll be getting from us.

[250] Just the worst.

[251] Starts bad, gets worse.

[252] That's our guarantee to you.

[253] For this show, Oh.

[254] Yeah.

[255] So anyway, all of this is just to say that if you listen to the podcast, you know, that we have the benefit of your doubt because you've heard the way we talk about this and you understand the way we do it.

[256] If you don't know the podcast, you hear True Crime Pommany podcast, you think that's offensive, that's wrong, they shouldn't be doing that.

[257] You know, we just have to say to you, get the fuck out right now.

[258] We just have to.

[259] It's very simple.

[260] It's, um, you're either.

[261] or you're out.

[262] That's all there is too with this fucking thing.

[263] And we fucking get it if you're out.

[264] You know, oh my shit, ma 'am.

[265] We're out too.

[266] Believe us.

[267] I cannot follow sleep without a thing first, you know, pill form of some sort.

[268] So I get it.

[269] I love that somebody in the audience I'll just be like, oh, permission to take my pills.

[270] Here I go.

[271] Zah, next.

[272] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[273] Absolutely.

[274] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[275] Exactly.

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[291] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[292] Goodbye.

[293] Hey, this is exciting.

[294] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[295] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[296] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[297] Who killed Saz?

[298] And were they really after Charles?

[299] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[300] This season, murder hits close to home.

[301] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are high.

[302] higher than ever.

[303] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[304] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[305] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[306] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[307] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[308] Bye.

[309] Goodbye.

[310] Can, oh, I go first?

[311] You do.

[312] Okay.

[313] Um, okay, uh, this is a classic.

[314] This is a, uh, what?

[315] I'm going to do the murder of Carolyn Wasilovsky, a .k .a. The Crybaby, uh, what the Crybaby movie was based off of.

[316] Oh.

[317] Written by your, and everything by your friend John Waters.

[318] He's here?

[319] No, he's not.

[320] Wouldn't that be amazing?

[321] Don't.

[322] I thought he'd come.

[323] I would be so excited.

[324] My favorite scene in any movie ever.

[325] And now I can't remember which movie it is.

[326] But it's the one where Divine dances down the fucking street to the camera.

[327] Female trouble, thank you.

[328] So sorry.

[329] My apologies.

[330] I'm not a total water's head, as some people are.

[331] But it truly is when I was watching that movie with my friends.

[332] That scene started, and I laughed so loud and so hard.

[333] because it's divine just dancing, like, to the song down the street.

[334] But she's looking out toward, so I think what I heard was the behind the scenes of John Waters, they just, he was in a car with the camera, and they were like, okay, ready, action, and then just did it.

[335] And everybody in the shot didn't know they were going to be in a movie.

[336] I don't know if they got permission slips from anybody.

[337] Doubt it.

[338] It was just her fucking jamming down the street.

[339] And if you haven't seen it, please do yourself the favor.

[340] look up female trouble dancing.

[341] It's the best, it's the most joyous, beautiful thing I've ever seen.

[342] And now let's talk about murder.

[343] That'll be a little something for after when you need to pick me up after this shit.

[344] Palet cleanser.

[345] Okay, so Carolyn Loretta Wasoluski, she was born on June 12th, 1940, in nowhere else but Baltimore Maryland.

[346] Yes.

[347] She's the eldest of seven.

[348] children.

[349] But that's got to be rough, right?

[350] Well, because if you're the girl and you're the oldest of seven, like my dad had eight brothers and sisters, my aunt Teresa was the oldest, and you're like the second year junior mom.

[351] Yeah, they buy you.

[352] They buy you.

[353] They have you.

[354] So you take care of the other ones they eventually have.

[355] That's right.

[356] Right?

[357] Yeah.

[358] So that's, that was her.

[359] And she, her family lives in Morel Park, and she's a freshman.

[360] Moral Park?

[361] Moral Park.

[362] That's what I didn't say.

[363] No, I was asking.

[364] I wasn't correct to you.

[365] No, I think you're right.

[366] I wish you would.

[367] And she's a freshman at Southern High School.

[368] And so she was a nice girl.

[369] She was really smart, book smart and everything.

[370] But she fell in with a bad crowd because around this time, when?

[371] In the early 50s, in the early 50s, these like Rebel Without a Cause greasers started getting like fucking big just like you saw in Crybaby with The Pompidore.

[372] They were the Fons, but before the Fons was the Fons.

[373] But they were like the Fonz, but not a middle -aged Jewish man in Hollywood.

[374] Which is what the Fons actually was.

[375] That's right.

[376] Yeah.

[377] So she was like, these people look like they're having fun.

[378] I'm going to join them.

[379] And she wasn't wrong.

[380] So the local rebel gang, just like in Crybaby, which John Waters took from, they're called the Drapes, which is cool.

[381] And the girls are known as the drapes.

[382] So her nickname with them was Peaches.

[383] and it's mostly teens although she's kind of dating a 22 year old guess how old she is here I know I don't guess also she was talking to me oh we're real close to this thing Jesus Christ I don't know where you're she's 14 what the fuck she's 14 she's the principal of my grammar school oh what I know.

[384] I mean, I'm sure some of the retouching from the black and white photo put more makeup that's what it is.

[385] That's what it is.

[386] But it kind of makes me glad that when I was a juvenile delinquent at 14, which I was, I didn't look anywhere near older than 14 because I bet you get away with a lot more shit.

[387] That's right.

[388] You know what I mean?

[389] Yes.

[390] And people, if you look older than they assume you can handle heavier shit.

[391] Exactly.

[392] So, but she was a sweet girl and the juvenile delinquent gang that she hung out with.

[393] They did petty crimes like stealing cars.

[394] That doesn't seem petty.

[395] Not petty at all.

[396] Don't.

[397] That's not.

[398] You're going to get in trouble for that.

[399] And holding hot rod races as well.

[400] Which seems very dangerous.

[401] That's still petty.

[402] Okay.

[403] Smart, kind.

[404] By the time she's 14, she's already gained a reputation, which is like, fuck you, fucking slut shamers.

[405] But, you know, it's the time when like, you don't, like girls didn't wear pants at the time.

[406] You had to like dress properly and act properly like your mom or whatever.

[407] And sometimes she'd live home for a couple days, but she always came home and, you know, apologize to her parents.

[408] But she's also feisty and she's looking for excitement.

[409] And since she looks so much older, people mistook her for being in her 20s or 30s sometimes.

[410] Yeah.

[411] Yeah.

[412] Fuck, man. They're like, can you fill out this insurance form?

[413] People kept asking her to fill on insurance forms all the time.

[414] I can't.

[415] I don't even know my own social Security number.

[416] Lady.

[417] Okay, so on the night of November 8th, 1954, at 6 .15 p .m., Carolyn tells her family that she's going to meet her friend, Peggy, and they're going to register for a dance class at the local elementary school.

[418] You know, fucking chill, right?

[419] Probably lying to her parents.

[420] I did it a lot.

[421] Her parents are like, you're going out wearing that.

[422] We don't make it.

[423] She's in a tight pink top black skirt with accent arrows which I think are these.

[424] Yeah.

[425] Right?

[426] Those are pleats.

[427] Okay.

[428] I think.

[429] I'm not a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, but...

[430] But she looked like a cute greaser girl, you know?

[431] Yeah.

[432] And she had her blonde hair and curlers, covered the scarf, and she had a little jaunty scarf around her neck as well.

[433] She went out in curlers?

[434] Yeah.

[435] I love it.

[436] So she was definitely going to her friend's house, right?

[437] Because you know what I mean?

[438] Yes.

[439] So maybe they were going to mean do something else.

[440] Or maybe they were just, you know, being innocent teens, we don't know.

[441] Because she doesn't return home that evening, and her parents get worried.

[442] And it's a school night, so her family searches in streets in their neighborhood, and they can't find her anywhere.

[443] Her friend Peggy says she never showed up at her nearby trailer park home, and she never arrived at the school to register for the dance either.

[444] And no one can figure out where she went after she's.

[445] left home and it's like she just vanished into thin air.

[446] And then the morning, the next morning, November 9th, 1954, a train engineer is driving a, is it Pensi or is that a typo?

[447] Penny, or Pensi.

[448] They don't have them anymore, apparently.

[449] A train.

[450] The Pensie Express?

[451] Yeah.

[452] Does that have something to do with Pennsylvania?

[453] Oh.

[454] Yes.

[455] They're all mad.

[456] We do it all the time.

[457] Why don't you know the nickname?

[458] of trains.

[459] So this train's coming in to Baltimore.

[460] The Pense Express.

[461] The Pensee.

[462] Coming in.

[463] Our friend from Harrisburg.

[464] It's pulling into Baltimore.

[465] That still exists.

[466] Thank God.

[467] It's just under the Belvedere Avenue Bridge.

[468] And as the train goes closer, the train conductor realizes the odd shape that he sees lying in the tracks.

[469] And there's a body.

[470] it's Caroline Wazelouski So by chance there's a journalist on the train named Bill Stump And he said, quote The train slowed down And no one knew what the hell was going on And then they were diverted to another track They passed by and saw all the cops milling around and shit And like knew something was up Carolyn has been beaten And there's scratches and bruises all over her body And the murder becomes massive news locally And I read one article And it called her, it quote called, like, you know, she was a teenage rebel.

[471] Like, they really picked up on that.

[472] And in a way that, as we know now, it's like, maybe she deserved what she got.

[473] Girls don't be, like, fast, you know?

[474] Yeah.

[475] Because they called her a jazz lover.

[476] God forbid.

[477] Jazz lover.

[478] Uh -huh.

[479] And boy crazy.

[480] Which is like, yeah, we were 14.

[481] Yes.

[482] What the fuck?

[483] Fuck off.

[484] Seriously.

[485] So the medical examiner reports that the cause of death.

[486] is a skull fracture, and the Emmy places her time of death at 11 o 'clock the night before.

[487] And the last train to pass under the bridge was 10 .30, so they think, like, right after that happened, she was killed somewhere else and brought to that place.

[488] And she put up a fight, and they said there was no sign of sexual assault, but then I read there's no evidence of violent sexual attack.

[489] So I think that just got misprinted.

[490] I mean, come on, man. And the strangest clue is that written on Carolyn's thigh is the name Paul in lipstick.

[491] Creepy, right?

[492] Yeah.

[493] So, the evidence shows that she's probably not murdered where she was found, and so it doesn't, they find the murder site eventually.

[494] It's down the street from her house, in a vacant lot, eight miles away from the bridge where she was found, and it's a lot near the Baltimore and Ohio's railroad something something yard.

[495] Pensey.

[496] Pensey.

[497] And they find her shoes and all their personal belongings there.

[498] They speak to the family to try and trace her final movements, but they can't come up with anything concrete or anyone who saw her.

[499] And it's one of the most intensive manhunts in Baltimore history.

[500] So there's all these leads.

[501] What's up?

[502] One of them is, so Carolyn recently had testified in her friend's sexual assault case.

[503] Her friend had been sexually assaulted.

[504] testified against the person.

[505] And so it was theorized that maybe it could have been payback for her cooperation.

[506] And the accused man is questioned by police, but he's released due to lack of evidence.

[507] Like, there's just not a lot of information about these people, but they all sound guilty.

[508] Yeah.

[509] You know?

[510] Every single person's a suspect.

[511] Yep.

[512] Another major suspect is a dude known as Ralph Garrett.

[513] He had been missing since he drove his wife to work that Monday morning, the same day Carolyn had disappeared.

[514] He lives close to Carolyn, and witnesses saw a, claim they saw the two of them together that night.

[515] And they also, witnesses also said they saw a two -tone car near where her body was found, and this dude Ralph drives a similar car.

[516] So they can't find him anywhere.

[517] And then his car is found abandoned in a nearby town the day after Carolyn's body was discovered.

[518] And then the next day, his body is discovered on the railroad tracks near where Carolyn had been placed.

[519] he's fucking hanging from a belt from a brake wheel on top of a gondola car holy shit he fucking killed himself right by where her body was found and abandon his car in another town okay see everyone's guilty yes there's a lot going on yes let's see da da da da da da blah blah they check the car to see if the tires match the tires at the steam of the crime.

[520] And we can't find anything that says if they are or not, so that's good.

[521] And neighbors described him as a steady, decent guy.

[522] So the cops were like, can't be him.

[523] Oh, right.

[524] So his wife, though, everyone was like, well, why did he kill herself right there?

[525] And his wife said that her husband had been depressed since the week before, which he annually had this depression at the same time where his mom died every year.

[526] So she said that's why it happened, I swear.

[527] And so he's ruled out as a suspect.

[528] I don't think so.

[529] Over the next few months, 300 people are brought in for questioning, including a bunch of Carolyn's draped friends.

[530] And this dude, Rocky, is a 22 -year -old guy who is dating her, and he gets brought in for questioning for several hours.

[531] And he was supposed to have been on a date with Carolyn that night, and he doesn't give the police any.

[532] any new information though, and he isn't seen as a suspect at all either.

[533] And after 300 question 300 people, they don't find any promising leads, and the case eventually goes cold.

[534] Wow.

[535] Yeah.

[536] So Carolyn's funeral is super popular, and the newspaper writes, although Carolyn had gained a reputation for living beyond her tender years, the last rights were those for a little girl.

[537] Oh.

[538] And she...

[539] Because she was a little girl.

[540] Yeah, guys, even though she listened to jazz every once in a while.

[541] Yeah, fucking...

[542] Truly.

[543] And here's, her drape friends were the pallbearers.

[544] Isn't that a crazy thought?

[545] So sad.

[546] So sad.

[547] And she was buried next to the grave of her grandfather.

[548] And, yeah, okay.

[549] So meanwhile, a kid from an upper middle class Catholic family in suburban Baltimore named John Waters.

[550] Okay, sorry, side note, sidebar nation, my favorite gif in the world.

[551] Both of my two favorite things in the world are John Waters -related, and yet I don't know the name of his films offhand.

[552] Anyhow, there's a gif where it's this picture, and then slowly a little pencil comes in and just puts a pencil -thin mustache.

[553] It's the best, and the second it's there, it looks exactly like him right today.

[554] I see it.

[555] It's so funny.

[556] Oh, I should have found that one.

[557] And then, so he became obsessed in the, like, he was from a, God damn it.

[558] Where do I point this?

[559] Just everywhere.

[560] Okay, it's not working.

[561] So he becomes obsessed with drapes and, like, the drape culture, and it has a huge impact on him.

[562] He grows up fascinated by these kids he sees out in Baltimore.

[563] He's obsessed with them, and he never forgets Carolyn, and he read all about her.

[564] He said, it was very, this is what happens to girls who hang out with drapes.

[565] And he saw the whole deal as a class issue.

[566] Because, you know, she was in the lower class, he was in the separate class, he didn't fucking get it.

[567] In 1990, John Waters releases his film Crybaby, starring Johnny Depp, as a leader of the delinquent gang, also called The Drapes.

[568] He is on record saying that Carolyn Wazelouski's case is the one, is the inspiration behind it.

[569] and I tried to watch it today and I didn't finish it, but it's interesting.

[570] You know?

[571] I mean, I just can't get over Tracy Lords and what a haughty she is.

[572] Yeah, she is.

[573] Like, what the fuck?

[574] How do you look like that?

[575] So, oh no. What are you going to do?

[576] I just want to, before I start my murder, I want to talk about history a little bit.

[577] It's a civics.

[578] It's a civics issue.

[579] Oh, man. I just fucked that up.

[580] Steven!

[581] You need to make it harder.

[582] Stephen.

[583] For me to do that.

[584] Why did you do that, Stephen?

[585] So Carolyn Wazelouski, the killer has never been caught, but the case has never gone away.

[586] People are still fascinated by, to this day.

[587] Though more than 60 years have passed since her murder, the death is one of Baltimore's more famous and legendary unsolved murders, and that is the murder of Carolyn Wazelouski.

[588] Wow.

[589] So, so do you believe that the guy that killed himself and was at the railroad tracks as the person who did it?

[590] Yeah.

[591] You do?

[592] But why Paul, why was the name Paul written in lipstick?

[593] I don't know.

[594] Yeah.

[595] So weird.

[596] Maybe she did that herself because there was someone named Paul she liked.

[597] Yeah.

[598] And she was just messing around with her friend.

[599] Yeah.

[600] No, it's really sad.

[601] Well, you know who else is sad?

[602] Abraham Lincoln.

[603] I'm so sorry.

[604] I don't give a shit.

[605] I think you know me well.

[606] know that I don't give a single shit about anything.

[607] I can't believe you're going here.

[608] Oh, I'm going.

[609] Oh, you better go.

[610] Look at it.

[611] We're back.

[612] We're back entirely.

[613] Pinkies, raised.

[614] You guys.

[615] There is so much terrible murder in the city of Baltimore, as you all know.

[616] So much.

[617] Baltimore has a higher murder rate than Chicago Guys Crazy You're the reason people get mad at us Yeah That's oh okay I thought you were going to give us a social commentary Yeah exactly And then I'm also going to announce my Candidacy for president I know two things Baltimore has higher murder rate than Chicago and that Lincoln is sad so when I was looking for my story I was just looking for something that might be a little less fucking depressing or the thing that reminds you of the day -to -day bullshit or whatever and then I stumbled upon the Baltimore plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln do you know about this?

[618] Baltimore Baltimore came together scheming as a fucking city and he were like, he's going down.

[619] It's pretty amazing.

[620] Now, here's my disclaimer that I need to say before I start this story.

[621] I am the last person who should be telling you the story.

[622] When I was in fifth grade, I went to public school where we studied the presidents in sixth grade.

[623] And then I switched school to the Catholic school in town for like junior high where they had already studied the presidents in fifth grade.

[624] So I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about right now.

[625] In terms of politics, the president, the year, the beard, like I just, this man's a stranger to me in many ways.

[626] I learned a lot, and it was fun.

[627] But I also am very serious.

[628] scared right now.

[629] Very, very scared.

[630] I'm definitely in an area that I don't belong in.

[631] I'm in an area where there are historical podcasts that people host where it sounds like they want to kill you the whole time, so I'm scared to be in their territory.

[632] Everything about this is very dangerous.

[633] We're here with you.

[634] Here we go.

[635] And that's why I love this job.

[636] Thank you so much.

[637] Okay, so Abraham Marie Lincoln was born He gets us every time we love it on February 12th 1809 in a one -room log cabin we've all been shoved down your throat not mine in sinking spring at sinking spring farm in Hardin County Kentucky his family then relocated to Hurricane Township in Perry County Indiana in Indiana.

[638] What did you say?

[639] Indiana.

[640] Spell it like you say?

[641] Say it like you spell it.

[642] I'm from France, so I don't really know how to say your city's nends.

[643] Indiana, in 1816, and when he was seven, he were, oh, they moved there when he was seven, he stayed there until he was 21.

[644] And then in 1830, 21 -year -old Abe, and we can just go through a, series of portraits.

[645] Let's see that face.

[646] Let's see that mug.

[647] Oh, so different.

[648] Look at all the looks Abe Lincoln has.

[649] He looks old for a 21 -year -old.

[650] What's that?

[651] A dark suit and a beard?

[652] Let's see those teeth.

[653] That's an old -looking 21 -year -old.

[654] It was, you know, working on farms back then was hard on your collagen layers.

[655] They didn't have SPF and Botox.

[656] They did.

[657] and moist coconut oils.

[658] That was my favorite last night.

[659] Georgia kept talking about cleaning something, and she kept suggesting coconut oil as the cure -all cleaner.

[660] It was making me love.

[661] It works.

[662] You guys should try it.

[663] It really works.

[664] Coconut oil.

[665] Buy my coconut oil.

[666] Drink it, clean with it.

[667] When he's 21, he moves to Illinois.

[668] Sure.

[669] Just like you guys.

[670] And he helps his dad set up a new farm there.

[671] Then he sets out on his own.

[672] He is a boatman, a store clerk, a surveyor, a militia soldier, and finally a lawyer.

[673] I feel like from now on to be president, you have to have been all those things.

[674] Yes.

[675] Or at least two of them.

[676] I'm sorry, when were you a boatman?

[677] Okay, let's forget about what your thing is.

[678] sorry president of Starbucks you haven't done it he's the one we're mad at no billionaires allowed um okay so in 1834 he's elected to the Illinois legislature serves for about 10 years in 1846 he's elected to the U .S. House of Representatives he is a member of the huig party um his platform consists of, among other issues, the opposition to the expansion of slavery in the territories.

[679] Good for him.

[680] So he was, yes, as we all know, a great abolitionist in a time of slavery in this country.

[681] So in 1858, Stephen Douglas is up for re -election for the Illinois seat in the Senate.

[682] And good old laughing Abe.

[683] Right.

[684] sunshine.

[685] You simply can't find one with teeth.

[686] You can't.

[687] I challenge you to do it.

[688] So he's pissed because Stephen Douglas is very pro -slavery.

[689] He's all about that rhetoric.

[690] And Lincoln is strongly opposed to his political views, so he decides to run against him.

[691] He wins the Senate popular vote, but he loses the election.

[692] I'm with her.

[693] Seems not right.

[694] Seems fucking wrong.

[695] Seems like a bad system.

[696] Yeah.

[697] Seems like it's what 1836, so they'll fix it by in the next hundred.

[698] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[699] Don't worry.

[700] Okay.

[701] Don't worry.

[702] Oh, God.

[703] What's going on, you guys?

[704] We laugh so we don't cry.

[705] That's right.

[706] But here's the thing.

[707] He ran such a strong race that all the Republicans at the time now see him as a viable option for presidency.

[708] So, of course, they ask him to do it.

[709] He's hesitant at first, because he's all like, I'm from a farm and a hundred feet tall or whatever.

[710] And they're like, just fucking do it.

[711] Just do it.

[712] People love them.

[713] Stop it.

[714] He's like, flatter me a little more.

[715] I don't think I can't.

[716] Please, I think I'm busy.

[717] And that'd be funny if Lincoln was super coy.

[718] He was kind of a tease.

[719] It's been lost to history.

[720] Look at him He's a chameleon He's like Ted fucking Bundy He just always changes It's amazing, yeah Just So many looks, Abe So After gaining even more popularity From his 1860 Cooper Union speech in New York City Oh sure Abe Lincoln receives the official endorsement, right?

[721] I mean, I'm saying these words I have no idea what they mean I now am very slowly starting to understand what people are like I love to learn I'm like you know what I might get around to some learning it seems like it would be a good idea for me he gives the Cooper Union speech that you and I talk about all the time it's my favorite so it was like so long oh my God love this long and boring and boring he receives the official endorsement it's just like four straight hours of this He receives the official endorsement.

[722] Did I say that already?

[723] Okay.

[724] Okay, so let's cut to the action.

[725] At around 2 a .m. on November 6th, 1860, Abraham Lincoln receives word he has won the presidency of the United States.

[726] Sure.

[727] Sure.

[728] But he wins by a very narrow margin, and most of the other candidates were very very very.

[729] very pro -slavery.

[730] And so his victory immediately sparks a secessionist movement.

[731] So he decides what he's going to do is take a 13 -day whistle -stop train trip from Illinois to D .C. So that along the way, in all the northern states where people are abolitionists, he can go and shake hands and calm people down and say it's all great and we're going to be fine.

[732] and then in the handful of cities that he could possibly pass through on this train that are below the Mason -Dixon line, he can go extend a hand of peace and say, hey, don't worry about it, everything's going to be okay, but no more fucking slavery in this country.

[733] That's his plan.

[734] Yeah, right.

[735] And everything worked out fine.

[736] And it was fine.

[737] So when the government offers, him a military escort to go along with him on this train trip, he refuses saying that he dislikes, quote, ostentatious display and empty pageantry.

[738] And security.

[739] Abe, it's a security detail.

[740] It's not Marty Grau.

[741] Like, no one's going to, again, there will be no feather boas the entire time.

[742] But he's like, no, I'm a man of the people.

[743] Don't protect me. Great.

[744] But meanwhile, everyone's super worried because from, the day he was elected, from the moment it was announced that he was elected, he starts getting this insane amount of mail, so much so that he has to hire a young Bavarian immigrant named John Nicolet to act as secretary and help manage and respond to the correspondence.

[745] Stevens.

[746] It's his Stephen.

[747] Nicolay had kind of like a big bunch of hair on this side and a weird mustache.

[748] He loved cats.

[749] That he touched.

[750] history tells us.

[751] What if we're like, Stephen, just tell us, are you a young Bavarian immigrant?

[752] Please, be honest.

[753] I want to see your papers.

[754] So, this poor guy, John Nicolet, is opening and reading these letters and finds an overwhelming amount of death threats.

[755] Great.

[756] Of course.

[757] Now, when Lincoln's warned about these deck threats, he chocks them up to angry hyperbole because he's an optimist and he believes in the best of people.

[758] Fuck that shit.

[759] Jesus Christ.

[760] Never do bad.

[761] You, of all people.

[762] So, even though people are taking the time to write to him and say, I'm going to stab you, I'm going to shoot you, and I'm going to blow up that train, he's like, let's take this trip, everybody.

[763] Perfect.

[764] So, there is a Philadelphia Railway executive named Samuel Morse Felton.

[765] And it's essentially, he's pissed at Lincoln because he knows the real estate.

[766] risk.

[767] And there's so many threats to blow up the train.

[768] And he's like, that's my train.

[769] This is my living you're fucking with that you're being all bold.

[770] Like, don't worry about it.

[771] They're like, no, I'm super worried.

[772] So he believes there's a deep -laid conspiracy to capture Washington, destroy all avenues leading to it from the northeast and west and prevent the inauguration of Mr. Lincoln at the Capitol.

[773] He hires Alan Pinkerton to come and investigate.

[774] So you've heard of the Pinkerton Detective Agency, but mixed feelings.

[775] We don't remember, we don't remember this part of the class.

[776] Is he good?

[777] This part of the story.

[778] They're very famous, but there's some problems, but not in this story.

[779] So let's not worry about it right now.

[780] We can't solve at all.

[781] Let's worry about this guy.

[782] So Samuel Felton Hires Alan Pinkerton And he's like I really need you to make sure that the president isn't killed And nothing happens to my precious, precious train He loved trains He loved trains He loved to lay on his belly And watch them go by Pinkerton is a Scottish Alan Pinkerton's a Scottish immigrant Who had once been a barrel maker In a village, also in Illinois, but he did some vigilante work helping neighbors catch a ring of counterfeiters and so then he...

[783] You got to fix that.

[784] That's a nightmare.

[785] That's a nightmare for her.

[786] Or is it?

[787] I'm so sorry.

[788] You basically outed yourself as a scream sneezer at a place at the place where we're all so sensitized to it.

[789] There's nothing she could do.

[790] She had to do it.

[791] She couldn't not sneeze.

[792] Are you leaving?

[793] Bye.

[794] Not everyone can handle this.

[795] You're going to miss a great bunch of history.

[796] So fascinating.

[797] Okay.

[798] So Ellen Pickerton, he actually was the first official detective in the city of Chicago.

[799] Then he opens his own agency.

[800] Yep, Chicago.

[801] Pinkerton jumps of the chance to help the president and the train.

[802] So as this time is passing, more southern states are threatening to secede from the union or choosing to secede from the union.

[803] And Maryland is becoming increasingly divided, and anti -Northern sentiments seem to be winning the fight.

[804] So it's a major concern because virtually every route that Lincoln could possibly take to Washington, D .C., to run through Baltimore.

[805] It just has to.

[806] Your inevitability.

[807] I just see the mat that, like, cartoon train like screeching through.

[808] Right, through.

[809] And at the time, Baltimore was the nation's fourth largest city.

[810] It had more than 200 ,000 residents.

[811] And that's twice as many as Chicago.

[812] Chicago's never going to let us come back.

[813] I know.

[814] They're like, going back to Chicago, oh yeah, I went to the Baltimore.

[815] show they're talking shit about us the entire time then they attacked a scream sneezer it was fucked up they fucked up so Alan Pickert did decides to go full on oh hold on oh there he is can we stop it with this look isn't he gorgeous those blue blue eyes he looks so bored I bet you I bet his beard smells like beef jerky.

[816] Anything?

[817] Yeah.

[818] Kind of hot.

[819] So Alan Pinkerton decides what he's going to do is go full on Donnie Brasco and go undercover.

[820] He enlists his top agents and including a new recruit named Harry Davies and five weeks before the inauguration they all travel to Baltimore to scope it out.

[821] And what they do is Pinkerton gets a room at a boarding house near the Camden Street train station and so gorgeous and he poses as a southern stockbroker named Johnny Hutchinson and so that allows him access into Baltimore's basically business circle with all the moneyed people.

[822] Then Harry Davies takes on the identity of an extreme anti -union man and he starts letting people know, hanging out, letting people know that he is willing to contribute financially to any endeavors that will benefit the South.

[823] He's like, hey, I like slavery.

[824] I like slavery.

[825] Yeah, that's right.

[826] And then people are like, me too.

[827] People are like, uh, Ixnay.

[828] We talk about it secretly.

[829] Okay.

[830] Well, what happens is they both hear endless anti -union rhetoric from nearly everyone they meet.

[831] So, Lincoln announces that he's going to travel to D .C. on what they call an open and public manner.

[832] So, he'll be stopping frequently along the way to greet the public, and the itinerary of this whistle stop train tour will be made public.

[833] Great.

[834] Great.

[835] So now all the shooters and stabbers and letter writers know exactly where he'll be every day, every hour of the day.

[836] So everyone's like, why are you doing this?

[837] Is this what your whole presidency is going to be like?

[838] He made it as...

[839] Did someone someone fall out of the balcony.

[840] We're skipping ahead to the real assassination.

[841] Oh, that's offensive.

[842] Please, don't even.

[843] I know you.

[844] Okay.

[845] So he's like, Whistle Stop train trip, make it as unsafe as possible.

[846] Everybody, let's get on board.

[847] Okay, so with the threat of Maryland secession looming and with Baltimore being the only slave -holding city, that's now on the journey, apart from Washington, D .C. itself.

[848] Pinkerton immediately goes into panic mode.

[849] And now, at this point, Lincoln is receiving daily death threats, including one threatening the death by spider -filled dumpling.

[850] What?

[851] Yes.

[852] That's a delicacy in some places.

[853] If you're a bird.

[854] Meanwhile, Harry Davies has befriended an anti -union.

[855] man named Otis K. Hillard.

[856] And Hillard is a lieutenant in the civilian militia called the Palm Meadow Guards.

[857] So on the morning of Monday, February 11th, 1861, Lincoln packs up, boards his train, gets on to that first leg of the trip to D .C. And the next day, which is February 12, Davies and Hillard are hanging out in Davies room.

[858] Hillard asked Davies if he's seen an itinerary of Lincoln's journey and tells him that he's figured out a way to seamlessly track the progress and location of Lincoln throughout the journey undetected.

[859] Google Maps.

[860] No?

[861] Ways.

[862] Otis Hillard invented Google Maps.

[863] No one gave him credit.

[864] They thought he was insane.

[865] He's, yeah.

[866] He's the Ways guy.

[867] He's like, here's the thing.

[868] The train will show up, but then they'll be like a little thing that looks like a ghost that says don't go this way.

[869] Everyone's like, okay, Otis, sounds good.

[870] Now, on the other side of town, where the rich bitches are, Pinkerton is in mid -conversation with a businessman named James H. Luckett, and that guy hints that there might be some trouble for Lincoln as he passes through Baltimore.

[871] So Pinkerton slips Lucket $25, and basically is like, I want to contribute to the efforts of whatever is being planned against him.

[872] The old $25 bill?

[873] Who's on that, do you think?

[874] At the time.

[875] President.

[876] Never mind.

[877] What other presidents were there?

[878] Tell me of the leaders of this country.

[879] Taft?

[880] Okay.

[881] See, taft in a bathtub, kicking it on the 25.

[882] Sorry.

[883] It was too risque, and they had to get rid of it.

[884] He has one toe up in the air.

[885] Pinky.

[886] Taffed.

[887] Well, pinky.

[888] Big fat taft.

[889] That was his nickname.

[890] Um, I've only heard gossip about Taft.

[891] I never heard the actual facts.

[892] Okay.

[893] So taking the bait, Luckett says he can't tell Pinkerton what the plan is, but that he offers to introduce him to the head of the operation, a man named Captain Cypriano Ferdadini, huh?

[894] Pinkerton meets with Ferdinini, Ferrandini.

[895] Guys.

[896] Oh, do we have a photo?

[897] Is he have a beer?

[898] I don't think so.

[899] He finds out that Ferrandini is planning to.

[900] Lincoln himself when he passed through Baltimore.

[901] So after talking to him for a couple days, Pinkerton pieces together through rumors and reports, and he figures out the plan.

[902] So, quote, a vast crowd would meet at Lincoln's train at the Calvert Street Depot, and here it was arranged that a small force of policemen should be stationed, and as the president arrives, a disturbance would be created, and it would then be an easy task for a determined man to shoot the president and aided by his companions succeed in making his escape.

[903] So, so, it's going to be a, what, what, I don't over there?

[904] Got it.

[905] Hoops, clop, clop, clip, coconut shells.

[906] Great.

[907] So Pinkerton, of course, is like, holy shit, this is really happening.

[908] He rushes to send a secret telegraph warning to, um, uh, uh, That other guy.

[909] Norman Judd, who is, I pause because he was part of Lincoln's suite, which I think is like his street team.

[910] But I don't know.

[911] And who really cares?

[912] So Pinkerton tells Davies to meet with Hillard again to try to get more info on that side of what that plan is.

[913] So on February 18th, Davies has dinner with Hillard, and Hillard openly confirms that his national volunteers unit is soon going to draw lots to see who will kill him.

[914] Lincoln.

[915] So Davies pretends he wants in, and Hillard agrees to take Davies with him to the meeting at which they're going to pick the killer.

[916] So now they're in.

[917] So that night, they go to a secessionist house with 20 other men, including Ferrandini, who's dressed in funeral blacks, and they basically put on, they light candles, or I think it was all candles back then, right?

[918] But they light them.

[919] The lighter?

[920] Yeah.

[921] The first Bick ever.

[922] Also, Otis Hillard invented that.

[923] And they were just like, dude, stop.

[924] You're acting nuts.

[925] They gather in a circle and hold candles, and Davies is forced to swear his allegiance to this group.

[926] And then they all draw folded ballot slips from a box to see who will be the killer.

[927] They keep the draws anonymous.

[928] Nobody says anything.

[929] And then they all leave.

[930] And they first played truth or dare before they go.

[931] Sounds like a sleepover.

[932] There's a lot of kiss, kiss.

[933] And then people are like, stop it.

[934] Everybody ran out crying.

[935] All Davies knows is that he didn't draw the bad ballot and neither did Otis Hillard.

[936] So he rushes back to tell Pinkerton about this creepy meeting.

[937] And the kissing.

[938] And the kissing.

[939] And then he tells his mom.

[940] And so Pinkerton knows now this is happening, we have to act.

[941] So the morning of February 21st.

[942] Now, it's been three weeks since Samuel Felton has hired Pinkerton, only three weeks.

[943] So Pinkerton basically devises a plan to evade the attack by getting Lincoln's train to get to Baltimore early.

[944] So he books it up to Philly and to pitch this idea to Lincoln.

[945] So he says, he explains to the president, if you get to Baltimore, Baltimore early, it'll throw everyone off the trail, and then by the time February 23rd rolls around, you'll already be safely in Washington, D .C. They'll be sitting here waiting to kill you in Baltimore, and we'll have the last laugh.

[946] But this plan requires that Lincoln reduces caravan to only one or two people, which of course would leave him completely exposed.

[947] But that's not the reason Lincoln says no. Lincoln says no because he said he already made a commitment to raise the flag over Independence Hall in Philadelphia the next morning and then visit the legislature in Harrisburg in the afternoon.

[948] Dude.

[949] But I mean, can't cancel?

[950] He won't cancel.

[951] So Pinkerton has to come up with another plan.

[952] And the second plan essentially works the same way it just, Lincoln would get to Baltimore a little later than Pinkerton wanted, like kind of pushing it a little bit.

[953] But enough ahead of the schedule.

[954] to still foil the attack.

[955] So Lincoln agrees, and on the evening of February 22nd, after he follows through on all of his fucking obligations in Philly and Harrisburg, like a big nerd, he excuses himself from a dinner with several prominent Pennsylvanians, and he goes upstairs in the building that they're in, and he's given a beaver hat and a shawl to disguise himself.

[956] That's the best disguise.

[957] Isn't that good?

[958] Because beaver hats Don't attract attention at all Beaver hats on a what, six foot five man Nobody would know But then a nice light blue shawl That his grandmother crocheted It's like, what's that trapper doing With my grandma's shawl?

[959] Leave him alone.

[960] Okay, so Then he's, so he's disguised And they Sorry, they whisk him off to the station where he boards a train, a night train from Harrisburg, back to Philly, and so he can catch the 11 p .m. train to Baltimore.

[961] But the problem is that the Harrisburg train might not arrive in Philly in time for him to board the 11 o 'clock train.

[962] They're worried about the connection.

[963] So Pinkerton sets up a decoy.

[964] He creates an important package, which is just a box that's stuffed with old railroad reports and wrapped up in paper.

[965] Oh, my God, is Abraham in the box, too?

[966] he becomes tiny somehow and old railroad reports and he gives it to Felton and then Felton goes and tells the railway workers so this is like the president of the company coming down and being like you have to this package is so important and you have to get it on the train basically he creates the diversion everyone's focusing on this package and they say they have to get Oh And then I bring up Abe Lincoln's package That's why he had a look on his face I'm 10 years old I'm so into history I don't get sex jokes anymore What a nerd Breathless with historical facts So Lincoln's on his on the train.

[967] He's on his way to Philly.

[968] The plan's in motion firm to get onto that 11 o 'clock train on a different railway than it was announced on the public itinerary that they released, and arriving at a different Baltimore station that was initially announced.

[969] So he would arrive in Baltimore in the dead of night.

[970] A sleeper car would then be unhitched from the train and drawn by horse to Camden Street Station.

[971] Right?

[972] Cool.

[973] And as cool as something can be in 18, yes, whatever it is, 60, one.

[974] And then they were going to couple it to a Washington, U .C. bound train.

[975] So to ensure everything went according to plan, Pinkerton actually hires alignment to go cut the telegraph communication line between Harrisburg and Baltimore so that there was no way anyone could go and send a telegram that Lincoln was coming.

[976] Do do do do do, boop, the tall guy's coming.

[977] He's not smiling.

[978] But he seems to be having a good time.

[979] Ask him how he feels when he gets there.

[980] Okay, so here's the hitch.

[981] The train from Harrisburg, having orders to move quickly, gets to Philly early.

[982] They get there too soon.

[983] So the president is now at risk of being recognized with the other passengers at the station because he's not going to, like, stand around and, like, get gum or whatever.

[984] Yeah, but he's got that great disguise on.

[985] The fucking beaver on his head.

[986] So...

[987] What if he just a...

[988] Okay.

[989] Just a living beaver.

[990] Shh, shh, the plan.

[991] Go to sleep.

[992] Don't ruin the plan, Jerry.

[993] So to fix this, Pinkerton decides that Lincoln is the safest place he could be would be in a moving carriage.

[994] Because then the only people that will know he's in there are the people with him.

[995] He won't be spotted, whatever.

[996] So they go get a carriage, stick him in it in his disguise, and then they give the carriage driver insane directions.

[997] Like, they tell him, they give him all these.

[998] really complicated direction.

[999] They're like, and you need to keep your eye out for this person like on the road.

[1000] So basically the driver is distracted.

[1001] He drives around in circles for like an hour and then the plane train comes.

[1002] And then there's a rip in the time space continuum and a plane lands.

[1003] I'm so scared right now.

[1004] You're doing great.

[1005] You're doing great.

[1006] basically they get back to the station, they get on to the train when the train arrives without being seen.

[1007] Great.

[1008] Right?

[1009] So while the train from Harrisburg to Philly allowed Lincoln and his team to travel in private, their own car, their train from Philly to Baltimore is like public.

[1010] He has to share it with strangers.

[1011] Ew.

[1012] Right?

[1013] Gross.

[1014] So what they do to maintain the president's anonymity is now they get a female Pinkerton named Kate Warna and she poses as a woman who's traveling with her sick brother and she goes to the conductor and says can we please sit in the back of the train my brother's very ill and he needs rest and I don't want him woken up whatever this is not what she said at all please I beg you with all the the conductor buys her story and gets them reserved seats in the back of the train.

[1015] So then they get to be on this train with a little curtain pulled between their area and the rest of the great unwashed.

[1016] So it's a four and a half hour train ride.

[1017] Oh, fuck that shit.

[1018] With only a curtain dividing the president of the United States and everybody who kind of wants him dead.

[1019] But despite the looming threat of danger, Lincoln remained in good spirits the whole time, even joking with his team.

[1020] Yeah, because he doesn't fucking take it seriously.

[1021] Come on, dude.

[1022] Dude, you're going to die, dude.

[1023] Doesn't he know history?

[1024] Also, what are the jokes?

[1025] What are a, what's a Lincoln joke?

[1026] Yeah, that makes it laugh.

[1027] Pull my beard.

[1028] No, do it, really.

[1029] You'll love it.

[1030] They get to Baltimore, they whisked Lincoln off to the connecting station to his next train.

[1031] That train is delayed.

[1032] So his, of course, the good spirit's fucking high tail it out of there and he becomes queen bitch and is like, what the, who's playing is this?

[1033] So the sun's about to rise and all they can do is sit there and wait for this train to come.

[1034] So finally, but it does come and he slips on.

[1035] They barrel out of Baltimore, Baltimore.

[1036] They head for D .C. by 6 a .m. on February 23rd, Lincoln's train arrived safely in Washington, D .C., mission complete.

[1037] And later that morning, Davies and Hilliard arrive at the assassination site only to see that Lincoln has already passed through.

[1038] And with Davies, right?

[1039] With Davies beside him, Hillard expresses his bafflement as to how the president could have gotten wind of the plot.

[1040] And that's when Davies turned to the camera and says, dude, I have no idea.

[1041] Winks, clicks his heels up in the air, freeze frame, credits roll.

[1042] Oh, hold on.

[1043] And so, as we all know, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated to, this is his, that's an actual picture of his inauguration day.

[1044] Wow.

[1045] And here's the up close.

[1046] Oh.

[1047] Look at Mary Todd rocking that outfit.

[1048] Yes.

[1049] And that is the crazy story of the Baltimore plot to assassinate Abraham.

[1050] Ham Lincoln.

[1051] Was a wild fry.

[1052] Can you believe our history?

[1053] Can't believe it happened.

[1054] Do we have time for a hometown?

[1055] All right.

[1056] Karen's going to tell you a story.

[1057] Here's the part where I tell you the rules.

[1058] Hi.

[1059] Hi.

[1060] There it is.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] All right.

[1063] I can't believe you guys didn't touch the fried mozzarella back there.

[1064] Oh, yeah?

[1065] It's got us fried mozzarella.

[1066] All right.

[1067] Carry on.

[1068] Oh, thanks.

[1069] Thanks, Vince.

[1070] Yeah.

[1071] Okay, so let me just tell you really quick.

[1072] You have to listen to the rules first.

[1073] But you know the rules, but you have to listen anyway.

[1074] So this is a time for a hometown murder.

[1075] We would love a Baltimore story.

[1076] Maryland.

[1077] Definitely Maryland.

[1078] Nowhere else.

[1079] Don't do it.

[1080] Don't do it.

[1081] Don't think you should do it.

[1082] Why are you special?

[1083] You can't be so drunk.

[1084] You can't tell your own story.

[1085] If I'm not allowed to be.

[1086] I love your spirit, but no fucking way.

[1087] It's such a nice idea, but, I mean, seriously, it's like tomorrow morning you show up at that side of the stage.

[1088] Please have a beginning, middle, and end.

[1089] That's the best way to tell any story.

[1090] And anything else?

[1091] Everyone hates you.

[1092] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1093] Keep it quick, because people hate you for getting picked.

[1094] Okay.

[1095] Let's kind of get the lights up at times.

[1096] tiny bit.

[1097] Three sisters?

[1098] We don't have three mics.

[1099] That sounds like a nightmare.

[1100] Yeah, yeah.

[1101] Yeah, yeah.

[1102] Go over here.

[1103] Hi.

[1104] Wow.

[1105] Hi, guys.

[1106] This is.

[1107] In here.

[1108] Am I right?

[1109] Okay, turn them down or she'll go.

[1110] Yeah, that's crazy.

[1111] That's horrifying.

[1112] It's scary.

[1113] Thank you.

[1114] Okay.

[1115] Don't look at the audience.

[1116] Don't look.

[1117] Jessica.

[1118] Hi, Jessica.

[1119] Hi.

[1120] It's Jessica.

[1121] Hi.

[1122] Hi.

[1123] Hi.

[1124] Hi.

[1125] Hi.

[1126] Hi.

[1127] I meet you.

[1128] Here, come in the center.

[1129] Go here.

[1130] This is Jessica, everybody.

[1131] How do people tell me I look like you?

[1132] Oh, yeah.

[1133] We look a lot of like.

[1134] Don't we?

[1135] Oh, yeah.

[1136] Just see it.

[1137] All black.

[1138] Thank you.

[1139] Where are you from?

[1140] Yeah.

[1141] What's your story?

[1142] So I'm going to tell a story.

[1143] It's not my technical hometown, but it's my college town.

[1144] UMBC.

[1145] Oh, Retrievers.

[1146] Go.

[1147] What?

[1148] Really?

[1149] Yes.

[1150] Their mascot.

[1151] Because you like the mascots.

[1152] His name is.

[1153] True Grit.

[1154] He's a golden retriever, and he's fierce.

[1155] You swear that's real?

[1156] I swear to God, it's real.

[1157] Google it.

[1158] Okay, oh, I will.

[1159] We did really good at basketball last year.

[1160] Congratulations.

[1161] Thank you.

[1162] Yes.

[1163] 16 seed beat the number one.

[1164] It's a good school.

[1165] She said Google it.

[1166] We're in honors college.

[1167] Oh.

[1168] Thank you.

[1169] Wait, let's talk a little bit more about this college.

[1170] It's a really good school.

[1171] It's a great school.

[1172] Except for the murder.

[1173] Oh.

[1174] Oh.

[1175] So this is a UMBC and MySpace murder.

[1176] And there was a student there by the name of John Gomer.

[1177] Um, and he met a lovely lady on MySpace named Josie Brown.

[1178] And, uh, they went on a date.

[1179] They were driving back to his apartment on campus.

[1180] Details are fuzzy.

[1181] I'm trying to remember them all.

[1182] But I guess he wanted to fuck her.

[1183] She did not.

[1184] Um, she said, drive me home.

[1185] He said, sure.

[1186] So we're like, okay, but somewhere along the route, he got upset that she would not fuck him and got her out of the car or she asked out, we don't really know what happened.

[1187] He beat her to death.

[1188] I know.

[1189] So he beat her there, left her there and just went back to college.

[1190] Like nothing happened.

[1191] A couple months go by, body is found.

[1192] Multiple reports say he tried to cut off her fingers but only did one hand.

[1193] And removed her bottom jaw.

[1194] Jesus.

[1195] So she wouldn't be identified.

[1196] But luckily, he pocket dialed her while he was beating her.

[1197] It was all caught on her voicemail.

[1198] So he is now in jail, prison, for the rest of his life.

[1199] Yes.

[1200] Oh, my God.

[1201] And that's the UMBC murder back in 2005.

[1202] Jesus.

[1203] Horrifying.

[1204] But it's the worst.

[1205] Thank you.

[1206] That was amazing.

[1207] Great job.

[1208] Oh, wait.

[1209] Oh, we have a present.

[1210] Is it a Canadian Kit Kat?

[1211] No, we forgot the present.

[1212] Do you have the present?

[1213] Oh, yeah.

[1214] It's a keychain someone made that says Murderina.

[1215] Oh, it's so cute.

[1216] Thanks, you ever made this.

[1217] I love it.

[1218] Yeah.

[1219] Thank you.

[1220] Here, I'll take that.

[1221] Thanks.

[1222] Great job.

[1223] Thank you.

[1224] Oh, that was horrifying.

[1225] Jarring.

[1226] Okay.

[1227] Thank you guys for coming tonight.

[1228] Thank you for listening.

[1229] Thank you for supporting us.

[1230] we're so grateful and so lucky that we get to do this and drive in the snow and come see these warm friendly faces.

[1231] It's wonderful.

[1232] Thank you.

[1233] Yeah, this was an amazing show and we say this all the time.

[1234] That's the problem with posting live shows as people hear our speeches at the end, but we say it because we honestly mean it.

[1235] This is our dream come true.

[1236] I mean like because of your support, because of you guys coming out, getting tickets showing up, we got to write a book.

[1237] Like, the reason that's happening is because of you guys.

[1238] And so we're so excited that we get to do it with you.

[1239] So thank you so much for being with us throughout this fucking insane situation that we are in.

[1240] And thanks for coming out.

[1241] And do us a favor and stay sexy.

[1242] And do!

[1243] Bye, Baltimore.

[1244] Thank you.