Mike Birbiglia

[0] Hi, my name is Mike Barbiglia, and I feel terrified about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pears, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Hello there and welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend podcast where I use whatever power I have left in show business to make people, literally make people that I admire be my friends, joined as always by my compatriots, my assistant Sona Movsessian.

[4] Yes.

[5] Am I saying that correctly, Movsessian?

[6] Yeah, I'm hoping after 12 years you've learned how to pronounce my name, Conan.

[7] It's Movesessian, I believe.

[8] Movesessian.

[9] Yeah, why are you saying you believe?

[10] But that's not your real first name, is it?

[11] No, we've talked about this.

[12] It's Tallene.

[13] Thanks for reminding me. And, yeah, that's not my real name.

[14] But it's my middle name.

[15] Well, Conan is not my real first name.

[16] So there you go.

[17] Oh, what's your first name?

[18] Bruce.

[19] I am Bruce O 'Brien.

[20] I wish.

[21] Bruce O 'Brien would be cool.

[22] No, it's not a good name, Bruce O 'Brien.

[23] My first name saved my ass because it's like that song, that Johnny Cash song, a boy named Sue, where his dad calls him Sue and then he turns into this amazing fighter because everyone wants to fight him.

[24] The fact that my name was Conan meant that I had to develop some kind of quick physical strength or a quick sort of wit.

[25] I don't think I developed either, but I did have to be quick on my feet in various ways.

[26] And so I do think my name saved my ass.

[27] What about you?

[28] Matt Goreley, producer extraordinaire.

[29] Do you like your name?

[30] Do you like Matt?

[31] It's kind of boring.

[32] And I always got Gurley instead of Gorley when I was a kid.

[33] I might have talked about that before.

[34] And then when I went to Ireland to visit my old family homestead, I said, hi, I'm Matt Gourley.

[35] And he, they were right all along, all those bastards in elementary school.

[36] Yeah.

[37] And you know what?

[38] Even if it wasn't, the Irish would love to tell you it was girly.

[39] Oh, maybe that's what they're doing.

[40] Oh, they're just, they love to take the piss out of you.

[41] I'm back and I have a few extra things to say.

[42] What?

[43] What happened?

[44] A few extra things to say.

[45] How did he get back in here?

[46] I hated this experience.

[47] How did he?

[48] I can get him whenever I want to.

[49] I'm the pass code.

[50] Oh my God.

[51] This is, ladies and gentlemen, let me explain what's happening.

[52] Our guests for today's podcast, Mike Barbiglia, has finished his interview.

[53] He's signed off because we're doing this in a COVID -safe way.

[54] So he's in a secure bunker.

[55] somewhere in dead of Massachusetts.

[56] Not true.

[57] All true.

[58] Another one of your classic lies.

[59] Everything on this whole podcast is a lie.

[60] So then you burst back in.

[61] You signed off.

[62] You're supposed to be gone.

[63] This is the part where I pretend I haven't talked to you yet, you prick.

[64] And now you've ruined the illusion.

[65] How do you feel now, Brabiglia?

[66] You know what?

[67] I had a nice time.

[68] And then I thought about it.

[69] And then I logged off and I thought about it.

[70] I thought, you know what, they're laughing at me. They're not laughing with me. We were laughing at you.

[71] Mike, since you're here, why don't you just take the introduction into yourself right now?

[72] Mike, here's the deal.

[73] You've ruined what I thought was a beautiful illusion.

[74] I mean, first of all, this isn't just, I know you do a podcast, and like many podcasts, you just throw something together and serve it up.

[75] Mine is nothing like that, but go ahead.

[76] This is a beautifully constructed Swiss watch.

[77] It's a gorgeous mechanism.

[78] A lot of thought goes into this.

[79] And what we like to do is have this chat first and then talk to the guest.

[80] Now, in reality, we already talked to you.

[81] But then you come busting back in to our Zoom session while we're recording this and you ruin everything.

[82] How do you feel about that?

[83] Let me ask you this, Conan.

[84] Has anyone other than you ever described the podcast as a Swiss watch?

[85] No. Yes.

[86] I was talking to a Swiss watchmaker.

[87] about six weeks ago and I was complimenting him on his craftsmanship and he said it's nothing like what you do this is a Swiss accent said the guy who has no idea what he's doing he said it is like what you do with your podcast I am never be you will never be welcome in Switzerland Conan O 'Brien No. What do I care?

[88] They're like, we're putting up Conan with borders.

[89] We don't want him to ever see him.

[90] Look, I didn't have time.

[91] I didn't have time.

[92] My guest today, my guest today is hilarious comedian, writer, director, and actor who's performed in front of audiences worldwide.

[93] His best selling book, The New One, is out in stores, his podcast, working it out, is available wherever you go for podcasts.

[94] I'm thrilled.

[95] He's with us today.

[96] Mike Berbiglia, welcome.

[97] I would have introduced you so much better than you introduced yourself.

[98] I don't think I should be me introducing.

[99] I think my equity goes way down with the audience.

[100] Way down, not even close.

[101] I'm anxious.

[102] I'm anxious genuinely because I was analyzing this today.

[103] I was very anxious about doing this because I was an intern on your late -night show on NBC in the 90s.

[104] And so you were technically my boss, even though we didn't really interact.

[105] And then I think that dynamic never goes away.

[106] No, nor should it.

[107] Look, you, a bunch of people, Mindy Kaling, John Krasinski, Mike Pence, were interns.

[108] Oh, I'd heard Pence had done late night.

[109] Yeah, yeah.

[110] He was an intern in 94, 95.

[111] Ellie Kemper.

[112] L .A. Kemper, that's another one.

[113] J .J. Walker.

[114] there have been so many people who were interns on the show.

[115] Jimmy J .J. Walker was an intern on late night with Conan O 'Brien.

[116] Yes, and it's awkward because it was long after good times.

[117] And he was in his early 60s.

[118] And I remember it was just awkward for all of us.

[119] At that point, his catchphrase was dino might?

[120] It was dino maybe.

[121] Yeah, exactly.

[122] But once an intern for Conan, always an intern for Conan.

[123] Now, you said we didn't have any interactions.

[124] It's all a blur to me, the 90s man. We were all doing so much.

[125] We were all doing so much Coke.

[126] Yes, it was so much Coke.

[127] It was just Coke flying everywhere around the offices of late night.

[128] Did we have interactions?

[129] Did we have?

[130] We didn't.

[131] We were told during our intern orientation that we should not speak with you, however.

[132] However, but there's a huge caveat.

[133] Because, for good reason, because there's so much going on in your day.

[134] So it's like, so everyone's busy.

[135] Everyone has their own job.

[136] But they said, if you want to make an appointment to meet with Conan to talk about your career and you're like, he's totally open to doing that.

[137] Yes, and I've done that many times.

[138] And then I made my appointment.

[139] Uh -huh.

[140] And I, and then I got Mono.

[141] Oh, you're kidding.

[142] And I had to leave the show.

[143] Oh, wait.

[144] Oh, my God.

[145] Halfway through the summer.

[146] And so we never had our sit -down.

[147] But maybe this is our sit -down.

[148] You know what?

[149] This is our rescheduled sit -down.

[150] I can't believe Mike Brubiglia, an intern on my show, was scheduled.

[151] At the time, you must have been, what, early 20s, right?

[152] I was 19, actually.

[153] 19, okay.

[154] Yeah.

[155] And you were scheduled, and that was going to be the conversation where I told you all the stuff that I told Krasinski and Mindy Kaling and Ellie Kemper, the stuff that made them stars.

[156] That's when I was going to tell you all the secrets.

[157] and you got mono, you know?

[158] And that's set your career back years, I think.

[159] You were going to be like, don't take the part they offer you that's the lead.

[160] Be the person at the desk that seems like they're a side character.

[161] And then later they sort of become everyone's America's sweetheart.

[162] Exactly.

[163] That's what I was going to tell you.

[164] But you got mono.

[165] Wow.

[166] Okay.

[167] Well, I'm glad that's very infectious.

[168] I'm glad we didn't have that meeting.

[169] Kiss and disease.

[170] Yeah, I got out.

[171] Listen, what's what the, you have had so many health issues, which you have, I don't want to say turn to your advantage, but I'll say exploited.

[172] You have used.

[173] I think both of those mean the same thing.

[174] You've harvested your illnesses.

[175] Conan, that means the exact same thing.

[176] You have taken these things and turned them towards your own purpose.

[177] to aid and abet you.

[178] Conan, it's almost like you don't want to see me in a positive light.

[179] I think, here's my impression.

[180] A lot of people say, and listen, you know that you are beloved, you are a hilarious comedian, the work you've done.

[181] Mike Briglia, that's a guy who gets a lot of top -notch respect.

[182] But I, and people say, the great thing about Mike is that he's taken all these things that have happened to him that other people would be sort of crippled by or, or, you know, sidelined by, and he's used them in his comedy.

[183] And I say, no, the people I respect are the people who go through terrible, terrible things and just shut up about it and don't use it for any creative purposes.

[184] FDR didn't do stand -up nights.

[185] He didn't do open -mic nights who was like, you know, and then I got polio.

[186] You know, you didn't hear him saying that.

[187] He just shut up.

[188] I'm sorry to interrupt, Conan, but how dare you mock one of our greatest presidents?

[189] I'm not mocking him.

[190] I admire him for what he did.

[191] I admire that he decided not to turn all that stuff into a killer stand -up set.

[192] He just shut up about it.

[193] He beat the Germans in World War II.

[194] That's what he did.

[195] But no. And you could have done that.

[196] You could have sublimated all that pain and all that suffering.

[197] And instead, you had to go into comedy.

[198] Sick.

[199] It's a hook.

[200] I mean, Yeah, so the things that you're referencing are, I have a sleepwalking disorder, which is serious, I jumped through a window.

[201] I had cancer when I was 20.

[202] Oh, my God.

[203] I had a Lyme disease like 10 years ago.

[204] I mean, I have, I had type 2 diabetes that reversed that.

[205] I've had a lot of stuff.

[206] You've had a lot of stuff.

[207] I got to get the vaccine.

[208] If you know anybody, Conan, if you know anybody.

[209] I don't understand why you don't have the vaccine.

[210] You feel like someone you'd be at the top of the list because you have had the list of things that have happened to you stunning to me. It's a lot of stuff.

[211] And then on top of that, I have like a family history that's ridiculous, which is my dad had a heart attack when he was 56, and his dad had a heart attack when he was 56.

[212] And so I'm just setting aside that whole year.

[213] And I'm getting an Airbnb by the hospital, I'd keep in a flexible schedule.

[214] I mean, what are the odds I don't have a heart attack at 56?

[215] Well, okay, first of all, I have some questions, and let's pretend I'm a doctor.

[216] Are you on a statin right now?

[217] I'm actually not, but I, because I reversed my, I reversed my type two.

[218] I'm trying to avoid the statin.

[219] Do you take a statin?

[220] Yeah, I've been taking a statin since long, when it was experimental.

[221] I was taking a statin in 1964 at the age of one.

[222] I was saying a statin when it was intravenous and it caused a high fever.

[223] So I don't know why you're not on a statin.

[224] I want you on a statin immediately.

[225] I want you to want to stand that.

[226] And by the way, you and I, you and your armchair diagnosis, you and I both have that in common.

[227] Our parents are both doctors.

[228] My dad's a retired neurologist.

[229] Yeah, my doctor, my doctor, my dad.

[230] Funny that I can't call him my dad.

[231] What does that mean?

[232] I call him my doctor.

[233] I have no warm feelings towards my father at all.

[234] My dad is a microbiologist.

[235] Oh, wow.

[236] So he, and what's interesting, and I don't know if it's the same for you, but when you grow up and your father is a doctor, what happens is they're dismissive of any ailment that you might have.

[237] And so I don't know if it's the same for you.

[238] Especially when your mom has it.

[239] Yeah.

[240] Well, I'm serious.

[241] Like, I would go, we would, Anything we said to our father, he'd be like, eh, the body heals itself mostly.

[242] Yes.

[243] That's what he would say.

[244] He would say totally.

[245] And so you could maybe con other parents that you shouldn't go to school.

[246] And my dad kept those tubes with the throat cultures in them.

[247] You know, the stuff that everyone's getting jammed up their nose now for COVID.

[248] Yeah, yeah.

[249] He fed you those.

[250] He jammed those into the back of our throat.

[251] Oh, my gosh.

[252] And he is not a dexterous man. So he acted like Jackie Gleason with a pool cue, and he would just, Jam it back there and scrape it around and we would gag and be like, yeah, he'd lose his temper and go, settle down.

[253] And then he'd pull it out with chunks of throat on it and flesh.

[254] And we didn't want to go through that.

[255] So we just shut up and we went to school.

[256] And so that was, so he sort of did that as an activity instead of like soccer.

[257] Yes.

[258] His thing, his activity was jamming sticks down our throat.

[259] And that cheer for you, he'd cheer for you at the game.

[260] Yeah, exactly.

[261] And then nobody, none of us wanted to complain about an illness.

[262] So I was originally, I lost eight brothers that way to various easily curable illnesses.

[263] Oh, my God.

[264] So I lost eight brothers to diseases that were largely cured in the 18th century, like palsies and fluxes.

[265] I'm finding this line of humor very offensive.

[266] I hope you are.

[267] I hope you are.

[268] But I can't believe you.

[269] I found, but speaking of illness, like, When I was moved by your fresh air interview when you said that you were sort of later in life diagnosed with some level of depression, but you always thought you didn't have it because your friends would be like, lying, you know, couldn't get out of bed kind of depression.

[270] And I was actually, I related to that because I've always been like, no, no, my friends have depression, but I don't have depression, because I get stuff done and I get out of bed and I work hard, blah, blah, blah.

[271] And it's like, I think I, I'm in, your universe of that.

[272] Yeah, it was a big, I mean, for years and years, I used to say, I'm not depressed.

[273] Depressed people can't get out of bed.

[274] And I have great empathy for people that have had real depression and when you read accounts of it, this, the idea of existing is horrifying to them.

[275] They're that miserable.

[276] And I never had that, but I was highly anxious all the time.

[277] Like, wake up in the night, wander around the third floor of our house as a kid, just high levels of anxiety, uh, and that lasted for years and years and years and years and all through my early comedy career.

[278] And I just thought, well, that's just anxiety.

[279] And then it took all actually going and seeing a professional who said, well, no, anxiety is kind of a subset of depression.

[280] Yeah.

[281] Um, and so, uh, I didn't, I was the same as you though.

[282] And I think there is kind of an Irish thing.

[283] I know that your mom is Irish.

[284] Is that correct?

[285] My mom's Irish.

[286] Yeah.

[287] There is an ingrained Irish thing.

[288] that I know I have, which is, no, I'm good, I don't have that.

[289] I'm all right.

[290] I don't have that.

[291] I'm fine.

[292] I'm good.

[293] And I'm, it's almost unbecoming to complain sometimes about an illness or focus on yourself in that way, especially about mental health.

[294] But as you know, Conan, I use that to my advantage.

[295] Well, you, I think in a very calculating way, You've taken, I mean, lucky you with the cancer.

[296] Oh, my God.

[297] Oh, my God.

[298] The second you were diagnosed, you were like, yes!

[299] That's finally, that's finally an angle.

[300] That's an angle I can use.

[301] Doc, doc, help me out.

[302] Can you find anything else?

[303] It's really, it's fascinating to me because you had these things happen to you, which are quite unusual.

[304] The rest of us are like, I think, exaggerating.

[305] what we are, I'm a big exaggerator, as you can probably imagine.

[306] And I've had some real kooky things happen to me, but I've exaggerated also.

[307] And I was stunned that like you were, so many things have happened to you where exaggeration was not even necessary.

[308] Yes.

[309] You know?

[310] No, no. That's, Ira Glass has always said that about me with, because he's worked on two movies with me and a bunch of stories for this American life.

[311] And he's like, he's like, you can't follow your own sleepwalking story for the rest of your life.

[312] You jump, through a second story window in your sleep, like, there's no, there's nothing you can do that sort of a better story.

[313] Can I ask?

[314] Because it was so one thing that confused me is I always thought, even if you're sleepwalking, there'd be some part of your brain that wouldn't let you do something that would imperil you.

[315] Do you know what I mean?

[316] That's what, Conan, that's what your, that's what your dad told you.

[317] Yes.

[318] You mean my doctor.

[319] No, but I'm serious.

[320] I, I, do you think, was your brain thinking it was doing something else when you jumped out?

[321] window?

[322] Yeah, so my brain thought the dream was that there was a guided missile headed towards my motel room at La Quinta Inn and Walla Walla, Washington.

[323] And I jump out of bed and go, what's the plan?

[324] They said there's missile coordinates are set on you specifically.

[325] So in my dream, and then it turns out because I've ran behavior disorder, it was in my life, I jumped through the window so as to detonate outside the window when the guided missile hits me for the sake of the platoon.

[326] And so So then I jumped through the window, through the glass, like the Hulk, and I land on the front lawn, and I'm, and I get up and I'm running, and I'm running, slowly realizing I'm in the front lawn.

[327] And this is actually, to this day, my favorite part of the story, as I'm, people always go, like, when did you wake up?

[328] And I say, as I'm running, I'm realizing I'm on the front lawn of Lakinta Inn.

[329] And I was, for an instant, relieved that I hadn't been hit by the missile.

[330] I was thinking that would have been a disaster.

[331] At least I'm still in the game, but I'm bleeding, you know, and I've glass in my legs and all this stuff.

[332] I have to walk to the front desk and be like, I just had an incident.

[333] I'm staying at the hotel.

[334] I just had an incident.

[335] It jumped to the window.

[336] And so I went to the emergency room.

[337] They took glass out of my legs.

[338] But that, yeah, I mean, it's horrible.

[339] But I've even had it, I had sleepwalking the other night.

[340] I mean, I...

[341] You're still doing it.

[342] I do it every, particularly, and maybe I'll end up getting some emails from doctors and folks, Because whenever I talk about it, people always chime in and they go, the answer is, you know, and it's always like some kind of herb or some kind of, you know, it's always like, no more carbs.

[343] And I'm like, I don't know if it's no more carbs, but maybe, you know.

[344] And it always seems to happen in December, January.

[345] If I look at my, I put it, whenever sleep walking happens, I put in my calendar.

[346] And it's been happening, it's happening in a little bit of February.

[347] It's been happening a lot lately.

[348] And I think it's the anxiety of the election and the, you know, inauguration, everything.

[349] I mean, it's just like, it's just been stressing me out.

[350] And I, it's nothing like jumping through a window, but it's like waking up like in, in my bedroom hallway kind of thing.

[351] But you know, all of these things can be a gift.

[352] And one of the things that's, I think, and I remember thinking this when you, when I saw a sleepwalk with me, that when you described this, what I remembered thinking is, in your subconscious, you were in a dangerous situation and you behaved valiantly.

[353] You did a brave thing.

[354] Yes.

[355] Yes.

[356] Yes.

[357] and what occurred to me is all of us are always wondering how would we measure up in a situation like that and part of me is suspicious that if I was sleepwalking and thought and was in a similar situation I would try to sacrifice someone else around me. Yes, yes, yes.

[358] So what we know through this terrible event that you went through is yeah, you got some glass in your leg and it was very traumatic but we know that you're a brave, selfless person because of that.

[359] You would have knocked on Matt's door and said, I'm going to throw you through a window.

[360] I would have said, yes.

[361] I would have, in the, if I would have been sleepwalking, I would have said, Sona, come to the second four of the La Quinta Inn, bring Matt Gourley with you and a missile's headed this way, but it's filled with candy and embrace it when it hits you.

[362] I will be, I will be in my car several miles away, but it's filled, trust me, it's just a pinata, you'll be fine.

[363] So I hope you, Conan, I hope you don't find this offensive.

[364] I find that to be calculating.

[365] Damn it.

[366] So you're saying that, oh, maybe, maybe you and I have more in common than I've, I ever imagined.

[367] You know, I saw, I saw your last, uh, live show, live show.

[368] I remember, you, you came.

[369] I came.

[370] And I was so thrilled and I saw you in the audience because you're a big man. You know, it's so funny because I didn't think, I never think people can see me in the audience.

[371] And I forget that basically I look like Jane Lynch, you know.

[372] I mean, she's much more attractive than me, but I'm a very tall, attractive woman.

[373] And so people can, I have a big balloon head.

[374] And so people see me. But I saw your one -man show and I saw it in downtown Los Angeles and I absolutely loved it and I had this weird feeling of because I had I knew that you know we've talked about it before but I knew that you had interned with me and I had this sort of feeling of pride like uh my my old friend is doing well like if someone if someone if someone who had any uh and then I realized I did nothing to help you in anyway so you know who am I I mean literally it's like I wrote a bus with you and I was sitting up towards the front and you were in the back.

[375] And then later on, you went on to big things and I'm like, I'm proud of him.

[376] You know, you're a role model and you've always been so nice to me. You've had me on the show for years.

[377] And then I know that we never had our meeting, but I will say that that summer changed the course of my life because your writers, Brian Stack and Brian McCann, Kylie, like a handful of writers.

[378] I would ask them, I would go, like, I want to be a writer.

[379] I want to be like a writer for this show.

[380] Like, what should I do?

[381] And some of them said, do stand -up.

[382] Some of them said, I did stand -up.

[383] Some of them said, I did improv.

[384] I went back to college.

[385] I learned how to do stand -up.

[386] I learned how to do improv.

[387] Like, I just went all in on essentially everything your writers said.

[388] And I will say, like, it's from the top down.

[389] That was like one of the nicest group of writers you could ever imagine in addition to being so funny.

[390] You know, it's nice as we've always been blessed with really.

[391] good people.

[392] I mean, here we are, what, 27, 28 years later, which is unbelievable, but to even contemplate.

[393] But to a person, the writers I work with now are really, I mean, you'll back me up on this, Sona, because you know them as well as I. They're just really moral, good people, and I should pay them, but.

[394] We have some similarities, you and I, but then we, there are some differences.

[395] When you were growing up, you considered becoming a priest.

[396] And I have to tell you, not for a second did I ever think, priesthood.

[397] And I grew up in a very Catholic family.

[398] What was that all about, do you think?

[399] What was the...

[400] Well, I was, similarly, I mean, I was going to say you're in Somerville, but you weren't in Somerville.

[401] I was in Brookline, Mass. You grew up in Brookline, and I grew up in Shrewsbury, which is outside of Worcester.

[402] Yeah.

[403] And, um...

[404] And Worcester is where all my people are from.

[405] We're all from Worcester.

[406] Oh, really?

[407] Yeah.

[408] My parents just, I think they were chased out of Worcester and had to flee to Brookline.

[409] But literally, my entire extended family, like on both sides, they're either in Worcester or Millbury or, you know, and every single person went to Holy Cross College.

[410] First of all, my dad went to Holy Cross College, and that's how we ended up there.

[411] Second of all, I think the only way to leave Worcester is to be chased out.

[412] It's the chase, it's chased out 95.

[413] I mean, I got the crap beat out of me by kids in Worcester when I was, like I, like I remember in ninth grade, I went to St. John's in Shrewsbury, which had a ton of kids from Worcester.

[414] I mean, they just saw me as a mark.

[415] They were like, this guy.

[416] They were like, we're going to, we're going to practice punching on this kid.

[417] I love how there's no end to the pettiness of turf wars, meaning, meaning, you know, you can come.

[418] contemplate like, oh, a West, an L .A. gang might have a problem with a New York gang.

[419] But when people from Worcester are saying, look at him, Shrewsbury, let's get him.

[420] What are you talking about?

[421] Find Shrewsbury on a map.

[422] What are you so mad about?

[423] So you grew up on the same ad campaigns, Jordan's Furniture.

[424] Jordan's Furniture, Waltham, yes, yes.

[425] Wallham, Nashua, Avon, and Redding.

[426] I used to listen to all the ads insisted on mentioning every single town in Massachusetts.

[427] And so my childhood was constantly hearing A, Danbury, Needham, Newton, you know, Brockton, Braintree, Burlington.

[428] And you're just like, you don't have to name them all.

[429] We got it.

[430] We know, we'll find it.

[431] We'll find your store.

[432] Just don't name every single place.

[433] So to get, oh, to get back to the precincts, I went to St. Mary's School for six years.

[434] and the joke I always make is I was an altar boy as a kid and the answer is no I wasn't and I think it's because they knew I was a talker I have that look about me but I was lot I really was lucky like I mean it happened a lot and I was lucky but I always remember being on the altar and watching the priest and going like I want to be up there and I feel like you'll relate to this part because I thought he's killing yes yes I mean these priests They kill with nothing, no material.

[435] Our priest at St. Lawrence, he used to prowl the stage like a stand -up comic.

[436] And this is in the 1970s, and he'd prowl the stage, and he'd be making jokes and killing with the crowd, the crowd, the parishioners, the crowd.

[437] The crowd.

[438] They'd be killing at the club, I mean, Christ's home.

[439] But then he would, when he would do this thing where he had this kind of Jimmy Cagney, wise guy attitude.

[440] And he'd keep his hands in his pockets and he'd be jingling the change in his pockets and going, yeah, I tell you, I tell you.

[441] And, and, you know, talking about whatever, lepers and Jesus and water into wine and stuff like that.

[442] But then he would end the way a Catholic priest is supposed to end the whole, when the service is over, he says, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

[443] You know, and this guy would go, love and peace to love and serve the Lord.

[444] And then he got, He'd go like, is he go, love and peace to love and serve the Lord.

[445] Have a nice day.

[446] Have a nice week.

[447] See you around.

[448] Oh, my God.

[449] I'm like, what?

[450] He'd be like, you know, like he was ending his variety show.

[451] Have a nice day.

[452] Have a nice week.

[453] See you around.

[454] And you're like, and I used to think.

[455] Yeah, go ahead.

[456] My brother Joe was always more of the class clown growing up.

[457] And so we would sing that song, which was, Christ has died.

[458] Christ was risen.

[459] Christ will come again and we'd be I'd be sitting with Joe at like Christmas Mass and he would do like spoof versions he would go Christ has lied Christ was in prison Christ will come at 10 and I always thought that that's pretty witty Christ will come at 10 is a solid joke even as a grown up yes I that's pretty good I you know he was like the weird owl of church well I have this story I don't know about But you, but you were not a class clown, right?

[460] No, no. My whole thing is, like, I was the kid growing up where I would look at the class clown, and I would be so confused by why people were laughing, because he'd walk in and be like, you're fat, you're gay, I'm out of here, you know.

[461] And I was always a little fat and a little gay.

[462] Like, I never got along with that guy.

[463] Man, that was bad.

[464] I don't know what your problem is.

[465] I love that guy.

[466] I wish I'd kill for material like that.

[467] I remember the class clown literally in, like in gym class, like to be, I'm being crude, but it was real.

[468] He'd pull his dick out and he would whack people with it like it was a wet towel.

[469] And people would be like, Kenny's hilarious.

[470] I'd be like, he's not hilarious.

[471] No. That's not funny.

[472] No, this is my point.

[473] You're making my point for me and beautifully, which is I was not the class clown.

[474] I was always horrified by the class clown.

[475] You know, the class clown was the guy who would get up when the teacher was out and move.

[476] the clock around ahead 15 minutes so that, you know, class would end earlier.

[477] And the class clown would be doing all this outrageous stuff.

[478] And I would think, you can't do that.

[479] That's, stop that.

[480] Leave that.

[481] That's a timepiece.

[482] You can't alter a time piece.

[483] That's a time piece.

[484] You know, whatever.

[485] I, I've said this before, but class clowns always die in a motel shootout when they're like 28.

[486] Oh my God.

[487] That's dark.

[488] But it's true.

[489] They're like, you know, they start out being the class.

[490] Hotel shootout.

[491] Yeah, they end up.

[492] I love that you double down on that detail.

[493] You go, no, no, Mike, it's true.

[494] It's true.

[495] Look it up.

[496] Anyone who's ever been a class clown, if you're beating people with your penis in gym class, it's only four more steps to, I've got a sod off shotgun, I'm crouching behind the ice machine, and I'm shooting it out with the Braintree police.

[497] Like, that's just a number of, steps and it's not that many steps.

[498] I feel like you and I have a thing in common which is like when I relate to you most when I see like your movie Conan O 'Brien can't stop.

[499] What makes you, what do you relate to in that part?

[500] I have a chapter in Sleepwalk With Me, the book, which is called literally I Can't Stop.

[501] And it's all about it's that same thing.

[502] It's like it's when I see you touring, you just have this thing of like it's right after your show and off the air that you went on tour, right?

[503] And it's like, no, no, I got to keep entertaining people.

[504] That's what I do.

[505] That's my whole thing, you know?

[506] And I have the same exact instinct, which is like, I've been doing virtual shows in the pandemic.

[507] A lot of comics don't do it.

[508] And I'm like, well, of course we do.

[509] That's what we do.

[510] We entertain however we do it.

[511] It's kind of an old school.

[512] First of all, it's not a choice.

[513] It's just you're, it's, I think, who we are.

[514] And my wife, all through pandemic, my wife Liza has been saying we've got to get you an audience this is...

[515] That's so insane and literally I should put my wife on this right now to talk because your wife and my wife should have a conversation sidebar about us that I think would be healing for them and it would probably help our marriage well also my wife's tired of my material your wife's tired of your material and so what I'm talking about is like a couple swap that's not sex at all.

[516] What I'm talking about is a couple swap where I...

[517] Okay, I'm listening, I'm listening.

[518] No, no, there's no sex.

[519] There's no sex.

[520] Trust me. No, I'm listening.

[521] Keep going.

[522] Keep going.

[523] Tell me more about this.

[524] We're swingers, but how it works is I, uh, your wife has to listen to my material and my wife listens to your material.

[525] That's how it works.

[526] And so, which, which, which is, which pivots me to my, one of my main questions.

[527] for this podcast, for you, even though I'm not supposed to have questions, which is if we're friends, like the podcast says, then you need to give me your email address.

[528] Oh, yeah.

[529] You can have my email address.

[530] Okay, great.

[531] I'll give it to you right now, and they'll edit it out.

[532] I'm going to write it down.

[533] I'm not kidding.

[534] This is real.

[535] I'm going to email you.

[536] I think we'll set it up.

[537] We'll set up the Zoom.

[538] No, but you know, okay, this is a true story.

[539] We have two dogs, and one of them is quite old, and he's got this.

[540] arthritis.

[541] And so there's a woman who's a terrific vet who comes by once in a while and just checks on his hip and works on his hip a little bit and does a little ultrasound.

[542] And then he's much better for like two weeks.

[543] And she comes by every now and then.

[544] And I'll just, I'll throw a name right there.

[545] Her name's Dr. Heather.

[546] And we just call her Dr. Heather.

[547] And she's terrific.

[548] And she comes by.

[549] And all through pandemic, occasionally once a month or something, So I'll see her out in the yard working on our dog, Bosco.

[550] And I happen to know that she's, she's really funny and she's got a great sense of humor.

[551] And she's a really good laugher.

[552] So whenever I see her out there, I practically run out into the yard with my mask on.

[553] And she's got a mask on.

[554] And I'm like, hi, Dr. Heather.

[555] And she's like, oh, hi, Conan, good to see.

[556] I'm like, yeah, good to see me. Good to see anyone.

[557] And she'll start, like, trust me, substitute, like, some actual funny stuff in there and I will be, I will do 40 minutes and people have to come and take me away.

[558] And so that was the thing that actually affected me too when I was, I was a control room intern at late night in the 90s for that summer.

[559] And so I would see you warm up the crap and your warm up and I don't think anyone knows this because they never see the warm up unless they come to the live show at Rock Center.

[560] You are like You're like a vaudeville entertainment.

[561] You're doing songs, you're doing jokes, you're playing guitar, you're doing everything.

[562] Yeah, it was crazy because I had to tone it down in the early days of late night, 93, 94, 95.

[563] I was, I don't know if it's insecurity or just not knowing what the fuck I was doing.

[564] I would go out and I would do a full show before the show.

[565] And the crowd loved the show before the show, I think, because it was all about.

[566] them and I would give 110 % and often when I look at if I happen to look at a show from 93 or 94, I can tell in the monologue I'm out of breath from the from the unaired warm up where I was singing and juggling and doing all this stuff and then I learned later on it's not good for the show if you give them the best 10 minutes up front and then that's it's the same thing.

[567] by the way, if your audience is Dr. Heather.

[568] Exactly.

[569] I'm just throwing it out there.

[570] If you blow the strongest 10 minutes up front with Dr. Heather, you got nothing to close you.

[571] Dr. Heather has a restraining order against me. She's like, I owe him again.

[572] And I'm like, and it's just because she's such a good audience.

[573] And I'm, I think that's my favorite, that's my favorite kind of laugh in the world.

[574] My daughter's five now.

[575] And that's like such a good age.

[576] for the hardest laughs at the dumbest jokes.

[577] Right.

[578] You have one child?

[579] Is that right?

[580] Yeah, yeah, Una.

[581] She's five and, she's actually almost six.

[582] She's five and three quarters if you want to get specific.

[583] It's amazing.

[584] And like one of the things that I discovered recently is that knock knock jokes are endlessly hilarious to five -year -old.

[585] So it's like, like, so I, so if I just made one up, I go like, knock -knock.

[586] Who's there?

[587] Conan.

[588] Conan who?

[589] Can anyone open the door?

[590] I'm freezing out here.

[591] And it's like, and she's, I'm telling you, my daughter loses her mind.

[592] It's great.

[593] And also, you're, she's, you're doing deconstruction comedy.

[594] And a five -year -old loves it.

[595] I also love when they tell jokes.

[596] And I remember, I think it was my son when he was like four or five got into, I can make up jokes.

[597] And they don't, kids jokes make no sense.

[598] No, no, there are a lot.

[599] they would kind of get the rhythm of it and it'd be like, what did the guitar say to the antelope?

[600] And you'd go like, I don't know, Beckett, what did the guitar say to the antelope?

[601] You've got some nerve.

[602] That's not your soup.

[603] And you'd be like, what?

[604] But there's part of me that also loved, hey, they kind of have the rhythm.

[605] And who's to say that's not a great joke?

[606] She's, yeah.

[607] It's so funny because whenever I talk about my daughter, everyone always thinks that she's still one year old.

[608] because in the show and in the book, she's one -year -old.

[609] And so I have to constantly be like, no, no, she's like, things are great and she's five.

[610] And because she's at that age right now where everything she says is adorable.

[611] Like the other night, I said, mom's going to put you to bed tonight.

[612] She said, she's not your mom.

[613] She's my mom.

[614] And I said, that's what my therapist keeps telling me. Because if you think about it, all, all.

[615] All toddlers have a Boston accent.

[616] They're like, I'm tired.

[617] And Boston toddlers are like, I'm wicket tired.

[618] That's true.

[619] The Boston accent, is just a child's accent that never matured.

[620] That's what it is, right?

[621] Yes.

[622] That's fantastic.

[623] So are you doing, I know you're doing stuff obviously on Zoom and you're doing, I mean, you're doing.

[624] I'm doing, literally I'm doing five.

[625] live shows Valentine's weekend that are all different, all new, like all new material.

[626] Right.

[627] And it's like the live version of my podcast.

[628] My show is called, my podcast is called Working Without, where I work out material with other comedians, and I hope to see you on it very soon.

[629] I will, I would, I have your email address.

[630] I would love to do that.

[631] Seriously, I would be honored to do it.

[632] Okay, awesome.

[633] So I work out new material, and then I do it in these live shows.

[634] So I'm doing it Valentine's weekend, five shows.

[635] And then the final show, 100 % of the proceeds go to regional food banks because food banks are just doing the Lord's work right now.

[636] Unbelievable.

[637] I worked with a and work with a food bank that's run by, no relation, but a really close friend of mine, Father Paul O 'Brien, which is in Lawrence, Massachusetts, which is like per capita, the poorest, one of the poorest urban areas in the United States.

[638] And he told me once years ago, So if you're trying to get a kid, a young person to not do drugs or, you know, not commit a crime, if you're trying to get them on the right path, you can't make any headway if they're hungry.

[639] The first thing you have to do is feed them.

[640] So he mobilized a bunch of people and put together this amazing food bank in Lawrence Mass called Core Unum.

[641] And it's fantastic because people are served.

[642] They don't serve themselves.

[643] They're served with a lot of dignity.

[644] and it gave me a real respect for, like, that's the first thing you have to do is feed people.

[645] Like, you can't get, you take care of that, and the hierarchy of needs, that's number one.

[646] I'm going to write that down, core, unum.

[647] I'm going to have that be one of the food banks that we give to with the Valentine's Day.

[648] Oh, seriously?

[649] That'd be really great.

[650] Oh, absolutely, yeah, yeah.

[651] What if you found out, Ben, that you looked into it and then I'd made it up to make myself sound like a good guy?

[652] Like, you looked into it, they're like, there's no core unum.

[653] In Lawrence?

[654] That is so.

[655] And it's like, and then they, went, were you talking to Conan?

[656] And you were like, yeah.

[657] Oh, no, no. He just says that.

[658] Conan does that.

[659] That's new, that's new Hollywood.

[660] Hey man. New York, New York Conan used to give to food banks.

[661] Hollywood Conan?

[662] He just has made up stories about food banks.

[663] About food banks that don't exist.

[664] And he's always saying he cured a disease that we looked into it and that disease never existed either.

[665] Oh, God.

[666] I know you're doing a lot of work also for, uh, comedy clubs, and you're doing this thing that I just wanted to give a shout out for, because I think you do this with Roy Wood Jr., which is you launch this thing, tip your weightstaff .com, which is a way to help people.

[667] And I know that Gary Goldman's been Nikki Glazer, John Mullaney have been helping out with this.

[668] That's a great way to help keep these places going at a time when they've all been shut down.

[669] Yeah, we started that in March, because I was driving to the Buffalo Helium Comedy Club, and I was listening to the radio, and the scientists, and I was going, oh, I think I should be heading home now.

[670] Right.

[671] And then I drove home, and I've been in ever since.

[672] But then the first thing I was talking to Roy Wood Jr., and we were like, well, what are the comedy club staffs going to do?

[673] Because comedians could make it for a few weeks, a few months.

[674] But a lot of the weight staff is week to week.

[675] And so we did this thing called Tip Your Weight Staff, and we raised, you know, probably three quarters of a million dollars to different, it was a goal.

[676] Go fund me that all are housed on tip your weightstaff .com and are still there.

[677] So if you can go and you can put in your zip code and find your local comedy club.

[678] That's a great idea.

[679] That's a terrific idea.

[680] Support your weight staff.

[681] What I'm going to do is launch something that sounds like that.

[682] But the funds go to me. That's what I'm going to do.

[683] I love thinking.

[684] Do you do this?

[685] I do this all the time.

[686] I think of what's the worst thing I could be caught doing?

[687] And then I like what's the worst behavior, you know, that I could exhibit.

[688] Yes.

[689] Yes.

[690] And, uh, Me, me, so that's the kind of thing.

[691] Sona, you're familiar with this.

[692] I will go on at length at work about, I could start a charity and then they could find out that the money goes to me so I can buy Arabian ponies.

[693] And then the pictures of me in the press being like completely unrepentant.

[694] Like, screw you.

[695] You know, no, you said you were helping lepers.

[696] I'm entitled to an Arabian pony.

[697] I don't know why.

[698] It's a sick thing, but you are legitimately doing wonderful work.

[699] And I'm just, you know, usually these tend to go very quickly, or they feel like they go very quickly.

[700] And you and I've been talking for quite a while, and it's just flown because you're such an easy person to talk to.

[701] And in many ways, I feel like such a kindred spirit.

[702] I think our minds work in similar ways.

[703] And so.

[704] Why don't you do one of your stupid commercials and then wrap it up?

[705] You dick Why don't you do one of your dumb fucking commercials And get out of my room This is my private office I see what you're doing You're making me hate you So I can, you're, I see what you're doing You're negging me so I break up with you That's your classic Classic Irish Catholic move All right No no I gotta bring it back I'm sick of you No no no No I got to bring it back I hate you.

[706] I hate you, Mike Bribiglia.

[707] And I don't support you or any of your wonderful endeavors to help the needy.

[708] Oh, God.

[709] No, I so appreciate it.

[710] And I've, I mean, again, I have a boss.

[711] You're my boss for the rest of time.

[712] So even if you were like, Mike, if I came on the podcast today and you were like, Mike, a position just opened up to be an intern on my podcast.

[713] Unpaid, unpaid intern on my podcast.

[714] I would be like, I'll be on the next plane to Los Angeles.

[715] Wow.

[716] What terrible, terrible business instincts.

[717] But I'm going to email you, and the email is going to be striking up a friendship that will be long lasting, and I will glean all of your wisdom, and I will use it against you until you die, Conan O 'Brien.

[718] Which I will eventually, in a hundred.

[719] 10 years, as the devil assured me when I got the late night show.

[720] Hey, listen, Mike, this was an absolute joy.

[721] And thank you so much for taking the time to do this.

[722] And I look forward to doing your podcast and being kind of a prick on it.

[723] That's what I'm going to do.

[724] I'm going to be sort of monosyllabic on your podcast and not helpful.

[725] That's my plan.

[726] Jesus.

[727] Well, I want to thank Matt and Sona because you're doing, you're doing God's work listening to this gas bag.

[728] Go on and on and on.

[729] When does he stop?

[730] I mean, he made a documentary about how he can't stop.

[731] I feel heard instead of having to hear all the time.

[732] And the rest of you on this Zoom, we're not even going to say your name.

[733] They're just all sitting there, figuring out a way to monetize it.

[734] That's what they're doing.

[735] I'm talking to you, Adam, and you, Aaron, and Joanna, and Jen.

[736] We're all judging you in real time.

[737] This will not be edited.

[738] Hey, is that a sheet hanging up behind you?

[739] Yeah, yeah, it's a sheet.

[740] I mean, it's all like, this is all like, I mean, I have sound, I mean, I'm surrounded by, like, by, like, pillows.

[741] You know, in the sixth sense, that, in the sixth sense, that, in the six, sense that little fort that the kid makes to hide from the scary monsters that it looks like that's where you are right now that's what i uh that's so funny because my my daughter made it with me and we call it for the for the podcast we call it the pillow there you go and ira glass made this point which is the only practical skill from growing up in childhood that applies to radio is building force yes and that's why that's why that's why my voice sounds like like silk.

[742] That's why this is a perfect voiceover for security blankets thing that you're selling.

[743] Was it the weighted?

[744] I don't know.

[745] I don't even know what we're selling.

[746] I add it later on.

[747] Your ads, I'm like, I was listening to your ads.

[748] You're episode the other day.

[749] I was like, he's giving them way more for their money than their paying.

[750] Yes, I do that.

[751] I tend to do that.

[752] Like, that's a two -minute ad of Conan O 'Brien doing a sketch for.

[753] For them.

[754] For Halliburton.

[755] You know, it's always me. I always forget, like, what the product is.

[756] And then later on, I'm like, oh, right.

[757] Yes, they make machine guns.

[758] I did find it unfortunate when you did that ad for Enron.

[759] I think they got a raw deal.

[760] And you know what?

[761] If their checks clear, I'll read the copy.

[762] Enron, it's time for a second look.

[763] That's what I say.

[764] Hey, Mike, we're biglia.

[765] You are a scholar and a gentleman and I admire you and I'm glad to know you and I can't wait to know you better.

[766] You too.

[767] Thanks, Conan.

[768] Thanks for being my new friend.

[769] Last week, we did a segment on a show called Big Dick History.

[770] Oh, for God's sake.

[771] And even though we're recording this before that comes out, the reviews have been raves.

[772] People are clamoring For more big dig history.

[773] Really?

[774] Okay.

[775] Yeah.

[776] Well, you know, what happened, and I'm reticent.

[777] You know me, I only like to operate on the highest levels, never get in the gutter.

[778] Uh -huh.

[779] But I'm always dragged down by my compatriots.

[780] We were chatting about history podcasts.

[781] I love a history podcast.

[782] I cited some of the ones I listen to revolutions.

[783] I listen to Dan Carwin's hardcore history.

[784] I always like to try and learn something by finding out more about history.

[785] I know, Matt, that you enjoy a history podcast from time to time.

[786] And we were talking about that.

[787] And then I, was it Sona who introduced the concept?

[788] Was that, was that you, Sona?

[789] Well, in my defense, you brought up Rasputon.

[790] I just said, I brought up, I was talking about Russian history of the early 20th century.

[791] I started talking about the revolution, Tsar Nicholas.

[792] I brought up Rasputin.

[793] And the minute I said Rasputin, Sona was like, he had a big dick.

[794] I said what everybody was thinking.

[795] And I mean, and I mean, Sona was in like, you weren't even listening.

[796] you had gone into, because we're doing this over Zoom, I could see that your eyes, your eyes were like almost fully closed.

[797] You were almost completely checked out because Matt and I were chattering on about World War I, the increasingly dire position of Tsar Nicholas.

[798] Zarr Nicholas.

[799] Sona was out like a light.

[800] And then I just said, of course, and then there's Rasputin, and you went, he had a big one.

[801] And suddenly, you weren't just awake, but you had superpowers.

[802] You could have lifted a Volkswagen over your head in that moment.

[803] Yeah.

[804] And then you started firing off names of other historic figures that you believe probably had, were well endowed in the penile department.

[805] And that started one of you, miscreants, foul -mouthed wretches, saying, hey, we could have a show called Big Dick History.

[806] Yeah.

[807] And then I changed my tune.

[808] because then I realized, wait a minute, these history podcasts are kind of a big deal.

[809] Yeah.

[810] And then sex podcasts are a big deal.

[811] Aren't these two women that discuss sex on a podcast?

[812] Huge, you know.

[813] And there are various sexual podcasts.

[814] And that got me thinking, I felt like Edison in that moment.

[815] Oh.

[816] Discovering the light bulb.

[817] Huh.

[818] Or Tesla, inventing the electric car, the Tesla.

[819] Oh, Tesla, huge dick, huge dick.

[820] And alternating current, too.

[821] I love that people don't think Tesla just invented the Tesla.

[822] And not alternating current.

[823] But anyway, my point is, I thought, wait a minute, this could be, and no, there's no pun here, no crass pun, this could be huge.

[824] This could be massive.

[825] Yeah.

[826] This could be engorged.

[827] This could be a giant podcast because you'd get history fans.

[828] Yeah, giant thick podcast.

[829] This is a backdoor pilot for the pilot that will spin off of this and eclipse the other podcast.

[830] A big girthy pilot for a throbbing.

[831] It'll be a throbbing podcast.

[832] Yeah.

[833] Yeah, turgid podcast.

[834] I mean, this thing is just saluting full tilt.

[835] It's just a vainy podcast with a flag just flying on it.

[836] I hate both of you.

[837] I think you're awful people.

[838] If you guys take it too far in that direction, it invalidates it.

[839] I see.

[840] The way it has to be is I have to keep this on the straight and narrow, so to speak.

[841] What I have to do is keep it somewhat rooted in history.

[842] Sona, you just love your filthy talk.

[843] Yeah.

[844] But I think that if we really did talk about, hey, you know, who historically was known to have maybe a large member, and then maybe we talked a little bit about their careers and maybe how their penis influenced their success or their failures, that could be a real podcast that satisfies both constituencies.

[845] Right.

[846] Don't you think?

[847] I see where that makes sense, yeah.

[848] Yeah.

[849] You act like you're above it, but when I brought up Rasputin, you're like, yeah, resputin, the monk, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[850] And he's like, and he had a big cockaroo is what I think you see.

[851] said at the end of that.

[852] I don't talk that way.

[853] That is exactly what you said.

[854] Matt, I'm sure I didn't say that, and you'll now play a tape to disprove that that was said.

[855] I'm sure it's going to be you in the Magooch voice going I said a cockaroo!

[856] I love how I can, that's how easily I can be lured.

[857] I know.

[858] I'm trying to be above it all and a scholar, and then you guys, all you have to do is tempt me a little bit, and I go, that guy had a real a Kakaroo.

[859] Oh my God.

[860] I honestly don't know who.

[861] I mean, Sona, you brought up, oh, John Dillinger.

[862] I know he had a giant penis.

[863] And I actually know the story behind that, which is after he was shot and killed.

[864] They let the press like into the morgue.

[865] And it looks like he has a giant penis underneath the sheet.

[866] But from the other angle, you can tell that it's his hand.

[867] And which is in the, you know, So it was his hand pushing up on the sheet.

[868] But the problem is whenever I try to say to Sona, no, that guy I don't think really had a big penis.

[869] Here's how that legend got started.

[870] She accuses me of trying to, of having penis envy.

[871] Yeah.

[872] About, uh, you immediately had that explanation.

[873] Like, you know a lot about John Dillinger, but you also know that his penis was not as big as people said it was.

[874] I actually have read someone dispute that.

[875] And so I, you know...

[876] Just an interesting thing to read about him.

[877] What about Milton Burrell?

[878] Milton Burrell, everyone knows he had a massive, massive penis.

[879] He and also Forrest Tucker is also famous for having a large member.

[880] Forrest Tucker was on F Troop, on the TV show F Troop.

[881] There's that famous show business story where, I mean, it's a famous story where Milton Burrow and Forrest Tucker are at some event together.

[882] Sword fights.

[883] And everyone knows they both have massive penises, and someone is trying to egg them on into comparing their penises to see who has the bigger one, and they're about to do it.

[884] And famously, I don't know if this is an apocryphal tale or not, but famously a friend of Milton Burrell said, hey, milty, just take out enough to win.

[885] Meaning his was so big that all he had to do was take out like a third of it, and he would win.

[886] Well, there we go.

[887] We've done it.

[888] That's big dick history.

[889] I really hope that would have like gone into a sword fight, like a dick sword fight.

[890] No, all right.

[891] A dick fight.

[892] I'm sorry.

[893] I want this to be a better podcast than where it is right now.

[894] Now look.

[895] A cockaroo!

[896] You realize if we ever had any chance to win like a prestigious award for this podcast, like something really prestigious, because I do think we have a really good podcast and people really do seem to enjoy it, it's all going to go to shit once big dick history hits the airwaves and I'm the, I'm the logo.

[897] The logo is me winking and going, a cackaroo.

[898] I'm never going a pee body, the Mark Twain or the pee body or all those things are out the window.

[899] Come on, pee body is the perfect organization to give this podcast an award.

[900] The part of the body that peas, pee body.

[901] We should get a dick award.

[902] It's so lame, Matt.

[903] No, come on.

[904] So lame.

[905] No, because that was just childish and silly and wordplay and beneath you.

[906] Well, I can have my cock and eat it, too.

[907] Oh, come.

[908] I hate this.

[909] These prestigious awards are now lost to us.

[910] Because you guys have me on tape several times as saying a cockaroo.

[911] Someone is behind you taking your Emmys away.

[912] Every award I've ever won.

[913] is going to be stripped from me. I'm going to be like someone who was found to be doping.

[914] Except I wasn't doping.

[915] I think I tried to conduct myself well in my career and I did win some nice awards and now all stripped because the committee discovered that I have a podcast that I produce called Big Dick History.

[916] And that the opening of the show is me saying, hey guys and girls, strap yourselves in because you're going to see a real big a cockaroo.

[917] Everything I've tried to do in my career is gone.

[918] Oh my God.

[919] You leaned into it, though.

[920] Yeah, you're reinventing the medium.

[921] You're bringing Big Dick energy to podcasting.

[922] Can I tell you something?

[923] Which is never been done.

[924] I do think this could be a huge moneymaker.

[925] I think this could be, and I, Adam Sacks, he's the genius behind all things.

[926] Get in here.

[927] Don't you think you're very respected in the podcast community, Big Dick history.

[928] Is that a money maker?

[929] I think it could be really huge.

[930] Yeah, I think we can make a lot of money.

[931] I see major merch potential.

[932] Now, I see merch potential, but what about advertisers?

[933] Are there advertisers going to want to be on?

[934] I think we're going to be getting a call from Roman, like, tomorrow.

[935] Oh, yeah.

[936] Yes.

[937] And when we know that when we did this last week, Aaron already registered the domain Big Dick History, so we're good.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Aaron, is that true?

[940] Did you register the domain Big Dick History?

[941] We own bigdickhistory .com.

[942] Wow.

[943] I can't believe it was available.

[944] Turns out Sona tried to buy it five years ago, but then she got high and forgot.

[945] She's the only...

[946] The other trend in the podcast industry now is that there's a lot of derivative opportunities.

[947] People look at podcasts as pilots for potential derivative.

[948] So I could see this being a, you know, a documentary series, maybe on HBO Max.

[949] You're not thinking the BBC for this.

[950] Good evening and welcome.

[951] I'm the ghost of Peter Houston.

[952] of tonight big dick history you've all wondered did gangis khan what was he packing well today we rip apart whatever lies between us and gangis's throbbing member to find out the truth but before we begin of course it's always customary for kona brian to come out and say his signature mr o 'brien could you come out here please yes uh thank you uh sir eustenov famous ghost Please, Mr. Abine, continue.

[953] Yes, thank you.

[954] Here we go.

[955] Ah, Kagor.

[956] Did they fly you out to England just for that?

[957] He's a ghost.

[958] You don't have to fly me anywhere.

[959] You don't have to fly to me to ghost.

[960] He'll just appear anywhere.

[961] Oh, I'm sorry.

[962] Okay, I didn't know the ghost rules.

[963] No, you're not wrong, though.

[964] Used enough ghosts afraid to fly.

[965] He's on a no -fly list.

[966] Yeah, he takes trains.

[967] I love a ghost that's afraid to fly commercially.

[968] I'd rather not.

[969] You're a ghost.

[970] You can just materialize in Conan's home in Los Angeles.

[971] No, seriously, I don't enjoy flying.

[972] It's very frightening.

[973] You're a ghost.

[974] You died 25 years ago.

[975] Please, I'd rather not fly.

[976] I'll just stay here.

[977] Also, why do you need to get paid?

[978] You're a ghost.

[979] Oh, my God.

[980] Well, that concludes another distinguished episode of Big Dick History.

[981] Ah, Cogaroo!

[982] Hey, I'm still here, guys.

[983] You've got to sign off.

[984] You've got to sign off.

[985] I know, but this is fun.

[986] It would be fun if we kept talking.

[987] It's sad and it's getting sadder by the second.

[988] And I'm saying this as your best friend.

[989] I was told this show was about friendship and I'm here to live it out.

[990] Signing off, assholes.

[991] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[992] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[993] Executive produced by Adam.

[994] Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[995] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[996] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[997] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[998] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[999] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1000] Got a question for Conan?

[1001] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -251 -2821 and leave a message.

[1002] too could be featured on a future episode.

[1003] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1004] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.