Armchair Anonymous: Naked in Public

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Shepard.

[5] I'm joined by Lily Padman.

[6] Hi.

[7] This is a goodie.

[8] This is naked in public.

[9] Yeah.

[10] Oopsies.

[11] Oopsie daisies.

[12] Oopsie.

[13] Yeah, this was fun.

[14] You had asked me, I think, mid -interview, if I had ever been accidentally naked in public.

[15] But, of course, never accidentally.

[16] Yours is always on purpose.

[17] Intentionally.

[18] Yeah, yeah, intentional.

[19] And I was thinking I had I, which I think there's a chance I have.

[20] Like, if I was in the dorm bathroom and I forgot my clothes and I'd, like, run across.

[21] You think you did that?

[22] That didn't happen, but I have a memory of something.

[23] sort of like that happening.

[24] I don't think you would do that.

[25] It's a point meets world episode.

[26] I think you're thinking of.

[27] No, it happened to me. Maybe.

[28] No, Rob, it happened to me. I don't know.

[29] I don't actually think it happened to me. No, but my friend Kim is so funny.

[30] She is one of the smartest people I've ever met, but sometimes her common sense, I don't know for some reason it doesn't add up.

[31] One time we were cooking together.

[32] This was a long time ago, though, and the recipe said fill the pot with an inch of oil.

[33] Mm -hmm.

[34] And she's, And she was like, so does an inch mean like an inch circle?

[35] Oh, circumference or diameter?

[36] Yes.

[37] And I said, no, it's an inch of.

[38] Nor would oil ever stay in one measurement.

[39] And she, because she was so smart, she didn't take my word for it.

[40] Oh, okay.

[41] And she just did an inch.

[42] No, she got other information.

[43] Oh, okay.

[44] But anyway.

[45] She got nude?

[46] Yes, she was staying over at my apartment when I lived with Anthony.

[47] and she showered and forgot the towel and clothes.

[48] She didn't know what to do because Anthony could have been in the house.

[49] She said she ran naked, all wet.

[50] She ran to the kitchen and just grabbed a whole bunch of paper towels.

[51] Oh, yeah, that's a bizarre way to handle that situation.

[52] It makes no sense.

[53] No. But anyway, she was naked.

[54] They were like running out to her car, getting in the car, driving with the windows down, so she gets a lot of air on her, to air drive.

[55] I mean no sense.

[56] Rent a motorcycle.

[57] I guess she didn't know where a towel would be.

[58] I hope that, yeah.

[59] If she knew Anne chose the paper towel, then.

[60] So people do end up naked, I guess.

[61] And that was a bonus.

[62] You got a bonus one just now.

[63] But this one's pretty safe -ish to listen to.

[64] And what I liked about a lot of these is I would have guessed, let's just say a lot of these weren't intentional.

[65] Yeah.

[66] Yeah, which is kind of fun.

[67] Please enjoy naked in public.

[68] times come and go good times take them slow you gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining hello hi oh my god right out of the gates it works this is so rare Melissa you have no idea I know I have this nice fancy headset that my boyfriend who's really good at tech helped me set up it's gorgeous I feel like I'm on um on hold with AT &T and AT &T operator that are like Britney Spears you know oh yeah sure great Back.

[69] She just posted quite a video.

[70] I didn't see it.

[71] Yeah.

[72] She's in a little bikini and she lowers it.

[73] So I presumably you can see her new tattoos, but you definitely almost see Volvo and I almost sent it to you.

[74] Oh my.

[75] Actually, what a fucking ding, ding, ding.

[76] This is naked in public.

[77] Oh, wow.

[78] Oh, my God.

[79] What are the odds?

[80] Okay, so Melissa, please tell us what happened to you.

[81] How did you become nude?

[82] It's probably my most embarrassing story of my life.

[83] So I was in Hawaii.

[84] I was on Oahu.

[85] This was back in.

[86] 2010.

[87] So I just graduated from high school.

[88] And so nine of my friends and I decided to take our senior trip to Hawaii.

[89] Oh, fun, fun, fun.

[90] Not sure how we got permission to go to Hawaii unsupervised, 10 girls.

[91] But we were pretty good kids and we didn't do a lot of fun, crazy activity as while we were in Hawaii because we didn't have a lot of money.

[92] We did a lot of laying on the beach.

[93] But there was one day where me and three of my friends splurge and we said, we're going to have an adventure day and we're going to go parasailing.

[94] Oh, here we go.

[95] We get on this speedboat.

[96] There are two guys who run the excursion and drive the boat.

[97] There's a couple, a man and a woman who are on their honeymoon.

[98] And then there's a young girl.

[99] She's about eight years old with her grandmother.

[100] Hold on.

[101] There's a young girl with grandma.

[102] I guess I'm just immediately relieved that you're a woman.

[103] You know, just forecasting where this story goes.

[104] Yeah.

[105] It is better that I'm a woman, but it's still when you're eight, probably a little traumatic.

[106] So we get on the boat.

[107] We're all chatting.

[108] No one who was on the trip with us had been parasailing before, including me and my friends.

[109] So didn't really know what to expect.

[110] The guys who drove the boat and ran the excursion were very cute.

[111] So me as 18 -year -olds are flirting, asking them where we should go that night.

[112] You know, if you want to meet up at a club.

[113] Oh, wow, that aggressively.

[114] I love it.

[115] Yeah, we were pretty forward about it.

[116] So we get out to where We're going parisailing, and me and my friend are the first two to go up.

[117] So you go up in pairs.

[118] We stand up and we go to the back of the boat, and the guys are getting us ready and telling us how it all works.

[119] So they have a harness.

[120] It has two holes for your legs.

[121] And we're all wearing life jackets.

[122] And then the harness goes up your legs to your groin and it clips around your torso.

[123] And then there's a hammock part of the harness that you sit on when you're in the air.

[124] And so they put the harness on the ground.

[125] I step into it.

[126] They pull it up my body and they buckle it for me. And then And me and my friend are connected.

[127] They hook us up to the line.

[128] We sit on the back of the boat.

[129] We're on our butts with our legs extended straight out in front of us.

[130] And they had kind of prepped us on, okay, once the boat starts moving, you'll just float up into the air off the back of the boat.

[131] Your legs are extended.

[132] But then once you're off the boat, you can let your legs hang.

[133] You're sitting in your little saddle that's on your harness.

[134] We do.

[135] It all goes great.

[136] We are up in the air.

[137] A little bit scary at first, but it's beautiful.

[138] Before we get to the grand finale, let's just talk about parasailing for a second.

[139] So I did it one time in my life, similarly, very young in Cancun with friends.

[140] I think you think at first it's going to be like very adrenaline -inducing, but it's quite calm, right?

[141] Monica, you've done it?

[142] Never done it.

[143] You've never done it.

[144] Okay, it's quite soothing, right?

[145] And you're just kind of up and there's nothing overly throwing about it.

[146] Yeah?

[147] I thought it was going to be kind of like skydiving when I went in.

[148] Same.

[149] It doesn't even really feel like you're moving.

[150] You just have beautiful scenery and I don't love heights, but you don't really even realize that you're up that high because you're looking straight and around and not down at the ocean.

[151] Agreed.

[152] And you're like, well, worst case, I'm going to fall in the water.

[153] So that really alleviates some of them.

[154] Yeah.

[155] Are you a good swim?

[156] I mean, I can swim and we had to wear life vest.

[157] The one thing I will say, though, is like you're up high enough that if I fell from as high as you are, it would probably hurt.

[158] Like, that would be scary.

[159] Yeah.

[160] Do you think you die?

[161] But not splat.

[162] No, because you have a parachute behind you.

[163] I don't think it would be as dramatic as free -falling.

[164] Yeah.

[165] Also, you'd be falling into water that's not flat.

[166] That's what you don't want.

[167] You want it broken up.

[168] I don't want any of it.

[169] You don't want to do it.

[170] I'm not doing it.

[171] Okay.

[172] Monica's not going to do it.

[173] She's not joining you guys on the next one.

[174] That's fair.

[175] You may feel that way even more.

[176] Yeah.

[177] So you're up in the air, a beautiful view.

[178] You and your girlfriend are chatting.

[179] Oh, this is lovely.

[180] Look at that.

[181] There's our hotel.

[182] There's the nightclub we're going to.

[183] Yeah, with our new boyfriend.

[184] Oh, my God.

[185] It's so exciting.

[186] They kind of signal to us.

[187] from the boat.

[188] Okay, your time's coming up.

[189] We're going to start reeling you in toward the boat.

[190] So they start to pull us in.

[191] And we didn't know this was going to happen because no one had gone before us and we hadn't been parasailing.

[192] But as we're getting closer to the boat and closer to the water, they start dipping us in and out of the water.

[193] So they're like maneuvering it so that our bodies are going in and out.

[194] Intentionally to give you a thrill.

[195] Exactly.

[196] And it's sort of this like cheeky fun.

[197] You know, we're streaking like, oh my gosh, we're getting wet.

[198] See at the club.

[199] Like, we think it's hilarious.

[200] So like I said, I have a life vest on.

[201] And then I'm wearing swimsuit bottoms.

[202] And they tied on the sides.

[203] Uh -oh.

[204] I didn't double nata, you know, I thought nothing of it.

[205] And I don't really realize, but as we are being dunked in and out of the water and moving forward with the boat, the water and the movement is loosening my swimsuit bottom.

[206] All of a sudden, both sides are untied and it completely falls off.

[207] It disappears.

[208] Into the ocean.

[209] Disappears into the ocean And so if I had been wearing a swimsuit bottom That didn't tie on the side It may have come off my body But it would have gotten stuck on the harness on my legs Yes But because it opened on the side Kind of like a diaper It could slip through the harness Through my backside It was lost And we're moving forward We're on a speedboat It's completely gone You realize it while it happens No, a few seconds after Oh, okay Also ow That would be so painful Just a harness on your vagina It's on your thighs and then under your butt.

[210] My vulva was completely exposed.

[211] Like, it was almost highlighted by the harness.

[212] Yeah, okay.

[213] It's really pulled your thighs apart, and there's a real clear shot.

[214] And so I turned to my friend.

[215] I'm like, oh, my gosh, my swimsuit bottoms are gone.

[216] You know, what do I do?

[217] She's like, you can't do anything.

[218] We're getting pulled back onto a boat.

[219] And so they had told us when we left that the way you come back onto the boat is you kind of float back in in the exact same position, seated with your legs extended.

[220] You float up and then you land on your butt.

[221] At this point, I'm in the air.

[222] We're close enough to the boat that everyone can see that I'm naked from the bottom down.

[223] Are you trying to cover it with your hands?

[224] Yes, I did my best.

[225] But what happens is when I land, my friends are cracking up, as you can imagine, including my friend next to me, they think it's the funniest thing in the world.

[226] It's the greatest thing that could have happened to them.

[227] Yes.

[228] And then the guys who drove the boat, also I think the best thing that could have happened to them.

[229] Absolutely.

[230] And then the couple who was on their honeymoon just completely avoided eye contact, did not want to engage, totally understand.

[231] And then the grandma is sort of shielding the young girl's eyes and trying to protect her from this awkward encounter.

[232] So as I land on the boat, I'm covering myself and one of the guys who ran the boat is like, Well, I need you to stand up and get out of your harness.

[233] Like, you're connected to the back of the boat.

[234] Thank goodness I had worn a dress when we were walking to the boat.

[235] So she throws me my dress and I hold it in front so it's a little more covered.

[236] He has to come up to me and unbuckle my harness around my waist and then pull it down my body, like down my bare ass.

[237] Oh, my.

[238] Well, I'm trying to cover myself and step out of the holes and everything.

[239] You know, free show.

[240] So then I go back to like where everyone's sitting.

[241] And the only other thing is that now I'm like, I need to put this dress on.

[242] So something is covering me. But I have to take my life vest off and then put the dress over my swimsuit.

[243] So I have to turn around and show everyone my bare ass.

[244] Why isn't anyone getting you a towel?

[245] Good question.

[246] So we didn't have towels.

[247] Like it was warm and we were 18 and some of my friends didn't even wear clothes over their bikinis.

[248] And so I'm of course mortified.

[249] Everyone has a good laugh.

[250] My friends are up next, and I tell them, I'm like, make sure your bikini bottoms are tied really, really tight.

[251] Double knot.

[252] And if you find my bikini bottoms in the ocean, please grab them because I wanted them back, which I did not get them back.

[253] A moment has passed.

[254] I'm like, super embarrassed, but at least it's over now and I'm covered.

[255] One of the guys who runs the excursion, looks at me dead in the eyes and goes, you have the widest ass I've ever seen.

[256] Whites?

[257] Whiteest?

[258] Oh, my God, I thought I heard why.

[259] Me too.

[260] Me too.

[261] Oh, sorry.

[262] I mean, both are insulting, but at least one you can change.

[263] You could go to a tanning salon.

[264] But also, what the fuck?

[265] He didn't know what to say.

[266] You don't say anything.

[267] I think he was trying to be funny.

[268] Also, there were still three other girls with us who he still could have maybe hooked up with.

[269] So maybe he was just trying to still make a good impression.

[270] We didn't see them at the club that night.

[271] You didn't?

[272] It didn't work out.

[273] No. I thought maybe when you.

[274] landed on the boat, you were going to accidentally fart.

[275] Oh.

[276] That's crazy.

[277] Maybe it's water -induced enema.

[278] Yeah.

[279] Yeah.

[280] That could have happened for sure.

[281] Yes.

[282] Wow.

[283] Oh, Melissa.

[284] What a beautiful story.

[285] You know, it's of the youth.

[286] It's the vacation.

[287] This is what it's all about, right?

[288] It is.

[289] Friendship.

[290] Yeah, it brought me and my friends closer.

[291] I was like, well, you see me naked now.

[292] You can see me naked.

[293] I'm still friends with them, and it still comes up every once in a while.

[294] We'll reminisce about it.

[295] Also, this is a good PSA.

[296] If anyone's going parasailing, where specific bottoms?

[297] I have been one other time two years after this, and I wore one piece because I'm not taking chances ever again.

[298] Well, that's great.

[299] You weren't permanently scarred.

[300] You got back on the horse.

[301] I figured it can't get much worse than that, right?

[302] Well, Melissa, wonderful meeting.

[303] Thank you for telling us that story.

[304] This is a blast.

[305] So thank you so much.

[306] Oh, thank you.

[307] Have a great day.

[308] Hope we talk to you again.

[309] Yeah, thanks.

[310] Have a good one.

[311] All right.

[312] Bye -bye.

[313] Wow.

[314] I wonder if those boys remember that story or if it happened so often.

[315] Yeah, I feel like they knew it was going to happen and they didn't want, like, they do this on purpose.

[316] Wait, that's a very low opinion of these boys.

[317] Yeah, I do.

[318] I do.

[319] I have had a low opinion because he also should not have said that to her after she was just so humiliated.

[320] Yeah, he shouldn't have.

[321] But I think the intention was what she was saying, which is like, I'm going to try to break the awkwardness of this moment.

[322] I know.

[323] It's just not connected to the reality.

[324] Yeah.

[325] They maybe knew better not to dip them in the water.

[326] if you were in a suit like that, too.

[327] Oh, he did it on purpose.

[328] No, I know, I mean, to your point, you might be right.

[329] No, no, no, hold on, guys.

[330] I'm sure everyone gets the dip down part, because there's nothing thrilling about going up in a parasat, and I think they figured out this is the fun part.

[331] No, I think they figured this is what happens a lot when you do a dip down.

[332] Bathing suits fly off.

[333] Well, definitely incriminating would be if during the dip down, a guy pulled out a very large 90s camcorder and started recording.

[334] Or they skipped the grandma's dip down.

[335] No dip down for the eight -year -old, the grandma, or the man. Oh, God.

[336] All right, Jeannie, Jan. No, probably Jeannie.

[337] Genie.

[338] Or Jean.

[339] Hello.

[340] Hi there.

[341] Pronounce your name for us.

[342] Gene.

[343] Is that what you were thinking?

[344] No, because there's so many letters, right?

[345] We got six letters for Jean.

[346] So we were thinking, Jan?

[347] No, that can be it.

[348] Where are you at, Jean?

[349] I'm actually at my parents' house right now in New York.

[350] but I'm from Boston.

[351] Oh, just spent the night at the airport there.

[352] Good.

[353] Yeah, yeah.

[354] There's always the laser.

[355] That's fun.

[356] Yeah, it was a wild ride.

[357] Have you gone out to Martha's Vineyard if you're from Boston?

[358] Only once.

[359] Martha's Vineyard near in Tucket are beautiful.

[360] Great place to be naked in public.

[361] By the way, if you got to pick locations.

[362] Definitely is.

[363] So when does your story take place?

[364] February 2012.

[365] I'm a freshman in college, and it's also my birthday.

[366] We're in the dorm buildings.

[367] We're having a good time.

[368] We're drinking.

[369] listen to music.

[370] We're playing games.

[371] And then all of a sudden my one friend comes up to me and my roommate and she's like, guys, I have an idea.

[372] We're like, okay, like, what is it?

[373] And she's like, let's go streaking.

[374] And we're like, immediately.

[375] Yeah, let's go.

[376] Oh.

[377] So then we go down like a side staircase.

[378] And to also give you a little background about the campus.

[379] So the area that we lived in, it's probably a mile radius of 20 different dorm buildings from four stories.

[380] So then we have these high rises.

[381] It's like a mini -city.

[382] The high -rises are like 25 stories.

[383] So thousands and thousands of students just live in this really tight area.

[384] But as we get down there, before we go out, we're getting ready.

[385] You're starting to undress.

[386] And then my one friend that offered the streaking idea up, she goes, actually, I'm not going to streak.

[387] I'll just videotape.

[388] Like, you guys go ahead.

[389] Oh, boy.

[390] I'll be right behind you.

[391] Videotape.

[392] But at the time, social media wasn't as big.

[393] So it was more just for our own enjoyment.

[394] Sure, sure.

[395] Well, you wanted proof of the daring act.

[396] Yes.

[397] So we fly out the door.

[398] I don't think I've ever run so fast in my life.

[399] It's freezing cold in the middle of winter.

[400] There's no one out that we see.

[401] Did you guys talk about what route you were going to run?

[402] Are we just going to sprint out the building and see where you landed?

[403] We're just going for it.

[404] Okay, no plan at all.

[405] No plan.

[406] Okay, great.

[407] You can't overthink that because then you'll talk yourself out of it.

[408] Great point.

[409] My roommate was like a five -foot little nugget, but super fast.

[410] So she's leading the way, just running as fast as she can sprinting.

[411] So we make our way out and we go around one of the high rises.

[412] We come around and there's this group of boys out there smoking.

[413] So we like stop in our tracks and our eyes widened and we're like, oh my God.

[414] And then they obviously stop and they notice there's two naked girls coming at them.

[415] We just immediately book it back and they're like yelling.

[416] They're like, come back, come back.

[417] And, you know, we're gone.

[418] We get back in.

[419] We're laughing hysterically.

[420] I feel like we just got away with murder, put our clothes back on and go back up and keep partying.

[421] So fast forward a week later, it's Valentine's Day and my roommate and I both have Valentine's very conveniently that are roommates on our floor.

[422] We're just spent on Valentine's Day and then all of a sudden you hear this knock on the door.

[423] She's like, Gene, like, open up.

[424] The cops are here.

[425] We're like, fuck off.

[426] The cops aren't here.

[427] It's like, I'm so serious.

[428] The cops are here.

[429] You need to come to our room now.

[430] Lo and behold, there's two cops just standing in the middle of our room.

[431] And they're like, are you, Gene?

[432] blah, blah.

[433] And they're like, there's no point trying to deny this.

[434] We already confirmed with your friend Mary who is videotaping.

[435] Like, we know it's you.

[436] You just have to say yes.

[437] What?

[438] Also, that's aggressive.

[439] Yeah.

[440] So we're like, okay, it's me. And they hand me this envelope and they say, we're not going to arrest you right now, but you are going to have to appear in court and you're going to have to be tried as a sex offender.

[441] So running around naked last week.

[442] No. Mine goes blank.

[443] Like, sex offender.

[444] Yeah, that rules out jobs you can have, places you can live.

[445] You can't live by a school.

[446] It changed your whole life.

[447] And then there was a female cop there.

[448] And she goes, you can't be doing this.

[449] How we found out about this a week later was I was working that night.

[450] And someone ran a stop sign.

[451] When I pulled the kid over, he goes, you shouldn't be pulling me over.

[452] You should be arresting the girls running around Southwest naked.

[453] He rolled over on you to get himself out of a stop sign violation.

[454] Also, what does that have to do with his running through a stop sign?

[455] Yeah, very Trump -esque.

[456] Yeah.

[457] Yeah.

[458] Crazy.

[459] By the way, the fact that she even took him seriously, I would have been like, okay, partner.

[460] This feels like the patriarchy.

[461] I did just see the Barbie movie.

[462] We've all been there.

[463] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[464] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[465] But for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery, like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[466] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[467] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[468] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[469] Follow Mr. Ballin's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[470] Prime members can listen early and add free on Amazon music.

[471] What's up, guys?

[472] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[473] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation, and I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[474] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[475] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[476] I guess the other officers that are working, she goes, can you go check the video footage to see if there's girls running around Southwest naked?

[477] And, you know, obviously, there we are.

[478] It's illegal.

[479] Well, it has to be right.

[480] You can't have a law that's like men can't run naked, but women can.

[481] No, no, no. I understand that it's illegal, but I didn't know it would make you a sex offender.

[482] I thought you had to, like, prove.

[483] Imagine it's a 55 -year -old guy who's running naked through an elementary playground.

[484] That's clearly sex offender.

[485] So they just have to have one law that says no right and wrong.

[486] You can't make the law so specific.

[487] Yeah.

[488] So then the next day I have to call my parents and tell them, you know, I'm going to be tried as a sex offender.

[489] Oh, my God.

[490] Oh, boy.

[491] So I call them like, mom, dad, explain the whole story.

[492] And it's just dead silent.

[493] I'm like, uh, hello?

[494] My mom loses it.

[495] She's like, are you fucking kidding me?

[496] We're coming to get you.

[497] You're done.

[498] You can't handle college.

[499] Like, we're pulling you.

[500] And then my dad blows up.

[501] He's like, if you want to run around naked like a boy, you need to go get a sex chain.

[502] My daughter can't be running around college.

[503] And then he's just thinking like, so my brother could run around.

[504] What's happening?

[505] I don't like that at all.

[506] Okay.

[507] Real mixed bag of reactions.

[508] Yeah.

[509] So we go to court.

[510] It actually ends up being no big deal.

[511] But Judge is kind of like laughing at it.

[512] And they're just like, girls, just don't get in trouble the next six months and don't do this again.

[513] We got them totally fine, you know, records clean.

[514] But the best part now is that this is my mom's favorite story to tell.

[515] She goes around, like, tells all of her friends, like, new people.

[516] She's proud of it.

[517] She's so proud.

[518] I'm just so proud you would feel confident in your body.

[519] Oh, wow.

[520] How the tables have turned.

[521] She was, like, so excited that I was coming on here to tell this.

[522] She's like, oh, I can't wait to listen.

[523] Results really dictate what the real reaction is going to be.

[524] Yeah.

[525] Oh, wow.

[526] Have you done any streaking sense?

[527] then?

[528] You know, into waters.

[529] Okay.

[530] Yeah.

[531] Skinny dipping.

[532] No public loop.

[533] Yeah.

[534] Right.

[535] Okay.

[536] Okay.

[537] What a story.

[538] Wow.

[539] I'm really glad you got off free.

[540] Right.

[541] And I didn't get pulled out of college.

[542] Yes.

[543] If I can, my best friend, Kate, I was hoping to give her a shout out.

[544] Of course.

[545] She is like your biggest fan.

[546] She's been listening since day one.

[547] She's the one that told me to start listening.

[548] Kate, we love you.

[549] We appreciate you.

[550] And thank you for turning Gene on to us.

[551] Yes.

[552] Keep proselytizing.

[553] That's it.

[554] well great meeting you and thanks for that story and we're very happy that you're not a registered sex offender because sometimes property's cheaper next to schools you know you don't want to close that door thank you i'm happy too all right great meeting you bye guys that's so scary oof yeah well i can happen with peeing in public too i knew a girl that she got threatened with that for getting caught peeing in public oh really yeah buy a cop she almost got put on the list wow i feel like i see men peeing in public all the time you do where i mean there's like Four people outside, they're peeing.

[555] Well, there's unhoused folks that are using the whole city.

[556] Charlie posted a video the other day of him peeing in public.

[557] Oh, he did?

[558] Off the back of a boat.

[559] Yes.

[560] Oh, great.

[561] I did most of my peeing in Martha's Vineyard outdoors.

[562] You're acting surprised.

[563] Well, I was in privacy, private land.

[564] Okay.

[565] Yeah, never at the mall or gas station in the parking lot or anything.

[566] Hello?

[567] Still connecting.

[568] I got you.

[569] Yay!

[570] Oh, hello, Holly.

[571] Hi, how are you guys?

[572] We're so good.

[573] We haven't been together in the attic in a long time, so we're very excited.

[574] And this is a complete accident that we're both wearing.

[575] I had to tell white and black shoes.

[576] By the way, the black shoes, too, Monica.

[577] I didn't even notice that part.

[578] And we have black headphones on.

[579] At least I got the headphone memo.

[580] You did the headphone memo.

[581] Holly, what year and where did your public nudity take place?

[582] Which one?

[583] Wonderful.

[584] Just kidding.

[585] This happened five years ago.

[586] We're mid -20s.

[587] My boyfriend now has been.

[588] and I go to Outside Lands, which is a huge three -day music festival in San Francisco.

[589] Oh, what's the venue?

[590] It's in this huge park, which actually is kind of part of the story, because it's not close to anything, and there's no great hotels to stay at that are near the place.

[591] And so I found this small boutique hotel that was near a shuttle to get to the festival.

[592] So it's just my boyfriend and I, and when we arrive, it's very clear it's one of those lipstick on a pig situations.

[593] It looked good on the website, but when you got there, it was clearly like a 1960s apartment building that they put some decor on, barely passing as a hotel.

[594] Yeah.

[595] It was tiny, and we don't really care because we're going to spend our whole time at the festival.

[596] So day two of the festival, we have an amazing day.

[597] We see Blink 182, Childish Cambino.

[598] Oh, wow.

[599] And I know you guys love Leon Bridges.

[600] Yes.

[601] Yes.

[602] He was there.

[603] Outside land sounds great.

[604] I got to go to Outside Land.

[605] Yeah.

[606] You do.

[607] We saw Paul Simon the next day.

[608] What?

[609] Oh, my God.

[610] A great lineup.

[611] Very eclectic and lovely.

[612] I like every one of those options.

[613] We had a magical day.

[614] So magical.

[615] Of course, we decided to keep the party going and go to an after party in a warehouse with a DJ until 2 a .m. Holly, are you comfortable telling me whether or not you were on MDMA or anything?

[616] I'll say we didn't do anything Monica wouldn't try once.

[617] Okay, Greg, great, great.

[618] I'll code it.

[619] And we make it back in one piece, but we have been out 14 hours of the day.

[620] Right.

[621] This is, of course, the one night that I decide to go to sleep naked.

[622] Okay, great.

[623] Was it really hot or something?

[624] Or you just don't want to be encumbered by anything?

[625] Who knows?

[626] It might have been, like, wearing the same festival clothes for 14 hours.

[627] Yeah, yeah, okay.

[628] Yes.

[629] So I do go to bed naked.

[630] That is the last memory I have before waking up in the hotel elevator.

[631] Of course, still naked.

[632] Oh, my goodness.

[633] So I'm trying to orient myself.

[634] I start pressing buttons, and the buttons won't even illuminate.

[635] What?

[636] I'm stressed.

[637] So it turns out it's one of those new elevator systems where you need to scan your key in the elevator to get to your floor to then scan your key again to get into your room.

[638] Of course my pits and slits do not have my room key in it.

[639] You didn't store your key and your PTSD.

[640] That would have been too smart.

[641] So while I'm coming to you, I'm like deeply considering it's most likely this is a nightmare.

[642] Yeah.

[643] All of a sudden, the elevator does start to move.

[644] But it's not for me. The door is open and a security card three times my size is in front of me. And he goes, girl, did you pee yourself?

[645] No, wait.

[646] What?

[647] Wait, what?

[648] Your nudity isn't the most striking thing, clearly.

[649] No, it's multifaceted.

[650] I looked down and I did in deep, you know my God.

[651] I know exactly what happened.

[652] She thought she was going to the bathroom, so you left your room and got in the elevator and took a squirt.

[653] Were you on Ambien?

[654] No, I was not.

[655] I was not.

[656] But I was just sleepwalky.

[657] Guys do this with closets a lot.

[658] When they're drunk, they pee in a closet.

[659] I don't hear it so much with girls because we use.

[660] usually sit down.

[661] Yeah, you'd probably fall and then wake up.

[662] So I thought the hotel door was the bathroom door.

[663] Again, it's very small.

[664] So they're like next to each other.

[665] Go out there.

[666] Elevator's really close.

[667] Think that's the bathroom.

[668] Oh.

[669] And got in it.

[670] Oh.

[671] And let it rip.

[672] Oh, my God.

[673] So the security guard, he goes, what room are you in?

[674] And I don't know.

[675] But then he very confidently goes, oh, I know what room you're in, which I was very happy.

[676] to hear.

[677] He takes the elevator with me, walks me through the halls naked.

[678] I'm like covering my boobs with my forearm, my frontal region.

[679] I choose those two, but I'm bare -ass naked.

[680] That house is yours.

[681] I don't have three arms.

[682] Yes.

[683] He has a master key to open any door in the hotel.

[684] So he goes to the door, he thinks is mine, uses his master key, opens it.

[685] And four people pop up out of two beds to see a naked girl and a huge dude in the middle of the night.

[686] And I don't know if there was some mischief going on in this room, maybe that he associated my nakedness.

[687] Oh, like, maybe he'd already told them to keep the noise down a couple times.

[688] It was an orgy, and so she left naked in the middle of the orgy.

[689] Orges, there was a lot of drug use in debauchery and, yeah, orgy, nice.

[690] I will give these people credit that they were asleep, but I tell them, like, no, this is not my room.

[691] And all of a sudden, can't explain it, but a miracle happens.

[692] I remember my room number.

[693] He takes me there, uses his master key again.

[694] My husband is also naked.

[695] He wakes up to me and a huge guy in the doorway, very disoriented, frantically trying to cover his body with sheets.

[696] And I say thank you to this guy.

[697] Like, to this day, I think he's an angel.

[698] I would love to see the security guard again and thank him.

[699] Big ups to you for being such a gentleman.

[700] He didn't even humiliate you about The yawn in the elevator.

[701] I mean, he kind of did.

[702] And he probably was responsible for cleaning it up.

[703] I imagine he had to bring some towels to that elevator.

[704] Yeah, somebody did.

[705] Yeah, somebody did.

[706] He really was such a gentleman.

[707] I say thank you.

[708] I go immediately to bed.

[709] Next morning, I wake up.

[710] The hotel landline is ringing.

[711] And my boyfriend's just giving one word answers.

[712] Hings up, looks at me, and he goes, it's going to be $500.

[713] Oh.

[714] Which for what could have occurred, I think you can get arrested for that.

[715] Yeah, a few different things.

[716] Intoxication, evacuating in public, there's got to be.

[717] Oh, Lord.

[718] Exactly.

[719] So $500 I'm totally cool with.

[720] And we have to go to day three of this festival.

[721] And I have to, like, make the decision, am I going to go down a deep shame, wormhole, stay in, not show my face?

[722] Or laugh it off, go to the festival.

[723] So I choose laughing.

[724] Because the hotel is so small, I know I'm going to see these people that have been working on finding me, probably saw my security footage of me naked.

[725] And as I'm walking by, I put my sunglasses on, because this is probably my only Keith Moon, Joe Walsh moment of my life.

[726] So I walk on, I go, that's rock and roll baby.

[727] Oh, good job.

[728] That was your, okay, yeah.

[729] Well, you paid the 500 now you're like, you're back in the black.

[730] I didn't.

[731] This hotel still sends me marketing materials to this day, which I find is really funny.

[732] Have you returned to this festival?

[733] No, because of COVID, it was shut down for several years.

[734] and now I'm a little too old for those antics.

[735] Yeah.

[736] There's a perfect time to go to those festivals.

[737] I was like 25.

[738] Just ideal.

[739] How fun.

[740] Was it fun?

[741] I mean, it's funny, funny, I guess.

[742] Well, it's fun for the security guard.

[743] I think he liked it.

[744] Yes, yes.

[745] He certainly got a good story.

[746] The next day he was telling his buddy's like, door opens, there's a woman in there.

[747] There's yawn everywhere.

[748] She's naked.

[749] And those four people also have a fun story.

[750] Lots of people.

[751] You give a lot of gifts.

[752] And it didn't cost $500 to clean up the yarn.

[753] So they made money.

[754] You're probably right.

[755] Yeah, but they use $12 of Fantastic or Lysol wipes.

[756] Yeah.

[757] Holly, that's spectacular.

[758] Thank you so much for sharing that story with us.

[759] I'm such a long time fan and I'm so excited to talk to you guys.

[760] So thanks for having me. Thank you so much.

[761] Bye.

[762] Bye.

[763] Oh, wow.

[764] Those are fun.

[765] There's a lot of ways to end up naked in public.

[766] I know.

[767] I love the array.

[768] Yeah, I guess I would have thought most would involve a decision.

[769] 75 % of these didn't even involve a decision.

[770] Well, I think that makes sense because the way we phrased the prompt was ended up.

[771] That's true.

[772] Which I was hoping was accidental.

[773] In a way, this should be a cautionary tale, which is these people didn't decide to be naked in public.

[774] In that way, it could happen to any of us.

[775] All right.

[776] That was great.

[777] Love you.

[778] Love you.

[779] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[780] We don't have a thing song.

[781] We don't have a thing song for this new song.

[782] show so here I go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchair we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rindish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcast Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.