5 Ways To Survive Thanksgiving with Family

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[24] Yes, it's Thanksgiving time, which means time with extended family.

[25] and that always means you've got extended family who really understand your kids, they're patient, they don't judge you, we know that's not true.

[26] So this is a special edition of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[27] Welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[28] So on Facebook, I asked, hey, what are your pain points?

[29] What are you struggling with?

[30] And I said, I'll go ahead and do a quick podcast.

[31] So I don't know how quick it's going to be, but I'm going to kind of just scroll down the Facebook post and answer questions.

[32] So this is, an overall strategy I would use for kids of almost any age, set your kids up for success over all the holidays, but over Thanksgiving.

[33] I want to create successes.

[34] I want to have treasure hunts wherever you go for little kids.

[35] Give your kids specific jobs or projects to work on.

[36] I would ask relatives, grandpa, the aunt, the uncle, whoever say, oh, my child is awesome at doing X, could you work on a project with him?

[37] So you're setting, it's just like we do at school, right?

[38] I want to use a child's natural gifts, talents, and passions, right?

[39] I want to use those in practical, constructive ways, very practical ways, so are there things they can build together?

[40] If grandpa's really great at doing X or grandma or aunt or uncle was really great at doing a certain thing and your child is, why not get a project work?

[41] on projects are great because sometimes well one it can eat up a lot of time right and for some of you the most practical part is we just need to get through the next couple days so how do we eat up some time in a constructive way just saying like guys we're just gonna have fun and get together too vague you gotta have a plan so let's have something to look forward to because maybe one of the relatives takes your child out to Home Depot to buy some materials that they can build some with it with or to a store or to get groceries to make something special, whatever it is, or something with crafts.

[42] So have a project.

[43] Put your kids in a position to succeed, right?

[44] And give, look, I don't know that your family is always going to be willing to really understand you or your kids, but you can be proactive and say, look, this is what I know that my son loves to do.

[45] He's very good at it.

[46] And if you give him a job doing X, look, it could be outside.

[47] Some of your kids love doing outdoor work, shoveling mulch, helping someone build a deck, moving stuff.

[48] Whatever it is, give them jobs to do, right?

[49] Adult -type jobs for many of our kids are actually really, really helpful.

[50] Maybe it's fixing something around the house.

[51] Maybe it's tankering with things, taking something apart.

[52] and part of this is getting your kids to do things they're good at doing because that builds confidence but it also helps your relatives see your kids in a different light right because what's the first thing they're going to ask how's school going so far this year and you know those of you that have a child who loves school and does well at school well it's like smiley face and like oh i'm taking honors class or i've got all a's and the teacher said i'm the best and then some of your other kids are like, well, I didn't get suspended this semester, right?

[53] That was good.

[54] So, you know, ask your family say, don't ask about school unless you want my child to respond with, fine, right?

[55] Ask them about what a project they've worked on, something they built, right?

[56] What was the, you know, look, it's reality.

[57] Your kids play video games.

[58] So instead of tiptoeing around it, why don't have a family member say, so I've heard you're really good at X video.

[59] game or whatever it is, building that.

[60] Can you show us, can you show us the game and why you're so good at it?

[61] Can you imagine yourself's face lighting up instead of like, well, when we were kids, we didn't have video games and we didn't play?

[62] Like that ever helps anything?

[63] It just makes grandpa and us sound old.

[64] So take an interest in what your kids are interested in, right?

[65] Look, conversation with things.

[66] Let your kids do some stock picks.

[67] A service purpose.

[68] project, making, baking something, show off those talents.

[69] You know, think of a theme for the weekend.

[70] Is there a particular theme that, because your kids tend to be very good with, they need context, and a theme ties everything together.

[71] Maybe when we're going to grandparents' house, it's like something camp.

[72] What are we going to focus on?

[73] Do you have a trip coming up next summer, and you can focus on that?

[74] By the way, that's good for discussion time if you don't want to do politics.

[75] which is probably smart, you can talk about, hey, next summer we were thinking about going to California or Spain or wherever, and you talk about it and start talking about interesting things.

[76] Well, where would you want to go if you could go anywhere?

[77] Have people ask your kids questions because your kids are actually very, very interesting, right?

[78] Especially when they're really curious about something.

[79] Set boundaries and speak up for yourselves.

[80] We have a had this dynamic with Casey, because all you know, Casey was very challenging child.

[81] So we always had a game plan for it.

[82] And we had boundaries, and we knew we would need some time alone.

[83] So we planned things out of like, hey, at 2 o 'clock, I'm taking Casey, we're going to run over to X and do that.

[84] Or we would run errands.

[85] That was one of my favorite things, by the way, like, oh, did anybody forget anything from the grocery store?

[86] Okay, good, I'm going to go.

[87] I know there's a stop and shop like 60 miles from here.

[88] So I'll be back in three.

[89] hours.

[90] That was my plan.

[91] So, but there's, but have an escape plan to go somewhere.

[92] Look, you're going to be judged and misunderstood.

[93] That's part of the human condition.

[94] And I don't have, look, I can't control other people.

[95] I can't control what their responses are.

[96] You're going to be judged.

[97] You're going to be misunderstood.

[98] And you're just going to have to, uh, uh, I was going to say grow up and deal with it.

[99] But I don't want to be hard.

[100] harsh with it.

[101] It's accepting that that's a fact of life and trying to not let it bother you so much.

[102] It does hurt and it's hard.

[103] If you have our downloads, the programs, download them on grandmas or your parents or your aunt and uncle, the aunt uncles.

[104] Download it right to their phone.

[105] Say, listen, I've got something for you to listen to.

[106] If you were to do one, it would be enjoying your strong will child.

[107] It's insight into strong will kids and just say, look, I understand, if you want to have a talk, hey, I understand that the way we parent this particular child looks odd to other people.

[108] And I know it's unconventional.

[109] And I know everybody else has opinions on that.

[110] And I appreciate it.

[111] Because I know that the reason you're sharing your opinions is because you love us and you want the best for us and for our child.

[112] I'm going to ask this of you.

[113] Look, do I really think that all of their intentions are good?

[114] No, they're judgmental and they just, you know, and it's in every family.

[115] You got to pick on somebody.

[116] So who's going to be the easiest one?

[117] You, because you've got the child because, you know what, if they would just discipline that kid, he'd be able to do it.

[118] And you're like, right?

[119] Like, we didn't think about that.

[120] Now, you could use some sarcasm to think, thank you.

[121] We never thought about actually, you know, setting clear boundaries and following through and given consequences.

[122] That's such a new thought to us.

[123] Thank you.

[124] I don't want you to do that, but you all have already done those things.

[125] So you could say thank you for that.

[126] I appreciate that.

[127] Look, I'm going to ask something of you.

[128] Before you comment on my child, I would like you to listen to this.

[129] Maybe give them one of, share one specific podcast we have, one of the five, or 10 minute ones that you find helpful and say, before you comment about this, could you listen to that podcast and then tell us what you think?

[130] Or if you have our programs, we do have a big Black Friday sale, download it.

[131] You order it and it comes right to your phone, your computer, and you can share that with your relatives.

[132] And have discussions about that if you want.

[133] But I want you to have some boundaries and speak up and say beforehand, look, it's overwhelming me. Our child, our kids get overwhelmed when we come over.

[134] So we're going to come over.

[135] We're going to engage mom, dad, uncles.

[136] If you could get our kids involved doing this working on a specific project.

[137] Our kids are good at this.

[138] That would be awesome.

[139] But at some point, we're probably going to take a two hour break as a family and maybe just go for a ride and go see something because we need that.

[140] And look, if they choose to get offended by that, then they're choosing to get offended by that.

[141] that and you can't do anything about that because look sometimes people just want to judge and sometimes people want to get offended that's just the way family life is and there's not a lot that you can do about it except for you know don't spend so much energy trying to manage everybody else's emotions and everybody else's responses why don't we practice that okay here's a challenge Let's practice that over the next few days.

[142] Stop trying to control the emotions, the responses, the conversation of other people.

[143] That'll serve you all throughout the rest of your life.

[144] And instead, focus your energy on controlling yourself and being assertive what you need.

[145] I can't always tell other people what to do, what to think, what to say, but I can always control what I do, what I think, what I say.

[146] And let's model that for our kids, right?

[147] Look, a couple of people put like, well, it's really cold so we can't go outside.

[148] Look, I don't want to say not true, but take enough clothes.

[149] I want you to get outside, right?

[150] Now, if it's blizzarding, we'll still go outside.

[151] Blizzards are fun to be out in, right?

[152] Go outside.

[153] Play football, bundle up, get the fresh air, explore, do stuff outside, right?

[154] Burn off some of that energy.

[155] If you're expecting a high -energy little kid to go and behave perfectly, You're setting that child up for failure, and that's not fair to the child.

[156] Your kids have to have some spaces to run, to do some things.

[157] One of the moms put this that, I guess she's going to the in -laws and the mother -in -law, you know, they've got little kids, so you know you want the host to pick up all the breakable stuff, right?

[158] It makes sense.

[159] But the mother -in -law said, like, we don't care, just bring your kids.

[160] Well, now mom frets the whole time, like, oh, I don't want my kids to break it.

[161] I don't want to make it.

[162] And so I gave a challenge to her on Facebook of like, like, no, take your mother -in -law up on her word.

[163] Look, you've been given a gift.

[164] You have a mother -in -law who's not being super picky and not being like, don't let the kids such us, don't do that.

[165] She's like, no, just let them come and be kids.

[166] You've got a gift there.

[167] So take her up on that.

[168] Now, personally, I would encourage one of my kids to break something.

[169] And let's test grandma and see, let's see if she really meant what she said.

[170] But I would let it roll.

[171] practice letting that go.

[172] Stop trying to control.

[173] Look, all of our problems in life come from trying to control everybody else and their responses and their reactions.

[174] Let's give our kids tools to succeed and give yourself tools to succeed.

[175] Here's a good one.

[176] Random note.

[177] Older kids.

[178] Let the older kids, your teenagers or a 10 -year -old, teach the rest of the family something new.

[179] Maybe they teach them something about technology.

[180] It's one of the greatest strategies there is is to have a kid teaching an older person and adult how to do something, setting them up for success.

[181] So you've got family there that is just difficult, or you've noticed that they treat you differently when everybody else is around versus when you're just alone.

[182] And so my advice is this, just don't give energy to it.

[183] And choose, choose just not to engage in a drama.

[184] Because you know what happens sometimes with family?

[185] We like the drama.

[186] We like talking to our spouse for three hours on the ride over there about, you know, Aunt Joan and my sister or your brother and how they are.

[187] We kind of get off on that a little bit.

[188] And we're guilty.

[189] Look, we have to admit, we're often guilty of judging them.

[190] Sometimes we're judging them for judging our kids.

[191] Either way, you're still judging them.

[192] And so sometimes, you know what you have to do?

[193] just let it go.

[194] I'm just choosing not to engage in the drama.

[195] Some people, not going to say some of you, because you listen to the Calm Parenting podcast, you know better, but some people like the drama.

[196] You may really kind of thrive on it.

[197] So you've got to let it go.

[198] Now, the person who asked this question, because they're a friend, that's not you.

[199] I know that's not you.

[200] But here's what I would say.

[201] Let go of it in this sense.

[202] Don't try to change or fix it.

[203] This is the situation.

[204] This is how that person has been for the past 12 or 15 years.

[205] It is what it is.

[206] This is who she is.

[207] And so I let go of trying to change it.

[208] See, that's liberating in itself.

[209] I'm letting go of trying to change that situation.

[210] It hasn't changed in the past decade.

[211] What makes me think that this Thanksgiving is going to be different?

[212] so instead of being worried about it and talking about it the whole time and really trying to figure out like how am I going to handle this instead I just accept it that this is the way the situation is now I'm not going to do that if it's abusive situation right that's different that calls for being assertive and maybe you leave maybe you don't go to your parents house if it's abusive but otherwise I'm just going to let go I don't have to change it and I don't have to fix it.

[213] Not everything has to be fixed.

[214] You just live in the discomfort and you try to lessen the discomfort but you know what really lessens the discomfort?

[215] You being comfortable with it, right?

[216] You let go of the discomfort and then it makes it not so awkward.

[217] And stop wondering, here's another one.

[218] Stop trying to figure out why that person treats you like that right because we spend an enormous amount of energy like god just you know i can't figure out like what did i do to deserve that or why does she and we spin every year over the same thing and guess what you've done that for 10 years you haven't figured it out and you know why because sometimes there's no reason why sometimes the person who's doing that to you they don't even know why they're doing it why because they probably have some stuff from childhood that they don't realize that they're going through.

[219] And so what I my usual, so let me finish on that on that part of stop trying to think that you even need to change it because you don't.

[220] And you don't have to fix it.

[221] And you don't have to understand why that person treats you like that.

[222] See, you're making more of it than it needs to be.

[223] It just is the way it is.

[224] And that's the way she feels about you.

[225] And there's nothing you can do about it.

[226] And it's not your fault.

[227] And And so you can just let it go and live in peace with that of knowing, I don't have to figure everything out, right?

[228] That's a, that's kind of a cool place to be.

[229] So I really like that a lot.

[230] What about talking about politics during Thanksgiving?

[231] Look, as much as possible if you want, I talk about other things, like where's everybody going on vacation?

[232] Why would you, I'm curious, why would you go to Alaska?

[233] What do you want to see in Alaska so much, right?

[234] Like, look, we all know this stuff.

[235] We're all adults.

[236] At every party, at every get -together, you're going to have at least one overbearing person.

[237] You're going to have the person who talks all the time and dominates conversation.

[238] You're going to have one person that probably drinks too much, right?

[239] You're going to have the people who are really persnickety and the control freaks.

[240] Then you're going to have the ones who are totally like, well, they don't have any structure in their life.

[241] Why?

[242] Because it's just human beings, and that's the way it is.

[243] So stop trying to fight everything.

[244] and fix everything and just enjoy a little bit.

[245] Oh, I know what I was going to say.

[246] My default mode now is I just go to mercy, right?

[247] I can't figure it out.

[248] I can't change people.

[249] Why are they like that?

[250] I don't know.

[251] Why am I such a jerk, right?

[252] Why am I so flawed?

[253] I don't know.

[254] Do I want everybody figuring out all my issues?

[255] No, I'm trying to figure it out myself.

[256] All I want from other people is a little bit of mercy to know that, yeah, I'm pretty aware that I have a lot of issues, right?

[257] so let's go the mercy route with that if you need to speak up speak up and when you do it be assertive about what you need and be very confident here's one for some of you don't apologize all weekend oh that's a good one someone write that down and emailed to me don't apologize for yourself now look if you do something wrong apologize but something oh listen I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean to it makes you sound weak and it makes people not respect you, right?

[258] And don't apologize for your kids being kids.

[259] So your kids were outside and they tracked in something into your in -law's house.

[260] Now, it's perfectly fine to say, hey, sorry about that mess, but don't go overboard.

[261] It's like, no, kids are supposed to be kids and they get to do kid things, right?

[262] But don't go overboard with it.

[263] Sensory seekers, you're going to have to get some sensory exercise, whether it's in a basement in a back, yard wrestling, tight, tight squeezes, roll them up in a blanket and play games with them.

[264] Look, here's the other thing.

[265] You're going to have some meltdowns and blowups.

[266] Cousins, Casey and his cousin were one year apart.

[267] You know what they did every time we got together?

[268] They played beautifully together.

[269] No, they didn't.

[270] They fought all the time and they irritated each other and they had little red faces and tears coming down and snot all over the place.

[271] They're nasty and they always they always got sick every single Thanksgiving or Christmas they got sick.

[272] And they had like sibling rivalry as cousins.

[273] Now they're older so they get along fine but it's just the way it is.

[274] Don't fight it so much.

[275] Okay so you've got a family that tries to lay down the law and they've got to win the power struggles again i would ask them to listen to one short podcast download the programs ask them to do that set them up you know what i used to tell my dad and many of you know that my dad was a really tough rough guy i'd say dad i will do the disciplining of my son i want you to be grandpa spoil my spoil my son spoil your grandson but do not discipline him I'll take care of that.

[276] Well, you're not taking care of it.

[277] Well, then judge me. But don't discipline him.

[278] When you're gone, I want him to have good memories of his grandpa.

[279] So go and get him donuts because we won't give him to them.

[280] Right?

[281] So you go do it if you want.

[282] Oh, here's a big one.

[283] Many of you are going to have kids that walk into the room and everybody's going to want it hugs and grandma wants kisses.

[284] And you may have a child who has sensory issues, child on the spectrum and they just don't want to do it and you're going to be uncomfortable and you're just going to have to live in that discomfort no this is my kid don't put the pressure on your child look my mom before she passed we've got a lot of aspy stuff in our family and one of the grandkids he'd always come in the house and my mom was like well when we were children when you walked in a house you greeted the host of the house and you came in and you I was like, I know, mom, I know, but this is who he is.

[285] Like, why are you getting offended at what a seven -year -old is going to do?

[286] Look, I grew up, I was extremely shy.

[287] I was voted shy in my high school class.

[288] I didn't want to go and say hi to everybody.

[289] I just wanted to go in and get comfortable.

[290] It's overwhelming.

[291] You have little kids or even, look, it's overwhelming for us and we're adults.

[292] You walk in.

[293] What do many of you do when you go to another person's house.

[294] Hey, what can I do?

[295] How can I help you out?

[296] You want me to flip hamburgers?

[297] You want me to make something?

[298] You want me to do something?

[299] So let your kids walk in and just say like, Mom, listen, she'll warm up to you a little bit.

[300] But just give her some space, right?

[301] If you give a kid a job when he, here's a good one.

[302] So this shy, in this case is in the Facebook post, seven -year -old shy, slightly anxious daughter.

[303] Okay, that's me. So she walks in and now all these people are looking at her expecting something of her.

[304] Well, your kids aren't good with all those expectations.

[305] But what if grandma or Aunt Susie said, oh, Rebecca, so glad you're here.

[306] Hey, could you do me a favor?

[307] And then give her a job to do, to go do the job.

[308] Because in the course of doing that job, it gives her some space.

[309] It gives her time to warm up.

[310] You're creating a success.

[311] Now you're not demanding come give your grandma what was my my in -laws were from this come come come give your grandma some sugar i was like i don't want to give you sugar you're old you're smelly and you're all wrinkled and i don't want to give you a kiss i'm like right so it's like so you walk in instead of all those expectations oh i'm so glad you're here could you do me a favor i really need some help doing x and now you give your child a job and it gives the in -laws chance to say yeah okay so your little kid not that awesome with social graces oh by the way here's their social graces you know what mom and dad you know what answers you know what your social graces are being judgmental oh yeah you say things like bless your heart yeah all that stuff but you're you have the right social graces but underneath there you have a nasty mean heart i want no part of that I'd rather have my child, not have social graces, but have a compassionate heart.

[312] Anyway, that's my own thing.

[313] But I set them up for success, and now Aunt Susie gets to say, oh, Rebecca, you're really good at that.

[314] Hey, do you think you could help me with X?

[315] Your kids will warm up with that.

[316] So let's not be judgmental toward the in -laws, even though they deserve it, because we all deserve it.

[317] But then again, we all deserve and need mercy.

[318] Let's instead give them some tools.

[319] We're all going to be under one roof navigating cousin's relationships.

[320] Yeah, that was Casey and his cousin.

[321] Yeah, it's embarrassing at times.

[322] So in that moment, let's have a go -to plan.

[323] When, not if, when your child melts down over something not going his way, something being off, let's have a go -to plan.

[324] What is it that your child could do?

[325] Is there something you could hide outside?

[326] do outside in the basement a job to do that grandpa could give your uh your son or daughter to do do when they do get a oh hey you know what jacob i just i just remembered i'm i need your help with some could you come to the basement or could you go downstairs and get that for me have an established plan see having a job to do helps bring order see when i'm upset and everybody's watching now I'm going to be furious because now I've got shame I'm embarrassed I don't know how to calm down but I do know how to fix things I do know how to do some yard work out back I do know how to do X let's have a plan going in a change in routine is going to mess your kids up so as much as possible have a few traditions that remain the same no matter where you go you know a pre -bed routine as much as possible have a couple things that are always the same, no matter where you go.

[327] Let's just know that it's not going to go as well as planned.

[328] The kids are not going to go to bed on time.

[329] They're going to be a little bit more tired and cranky.

[330] So we can adjust to that and we can adjust our expectations and we can feed them, hopefully feeding them decent stuff.

[331] Look, I'm not going to do a whole nutrition thing here, but I would take your own snacks.

[332] They're going to be eating some sugar.

[333] They are.

[334] So I want to counter that with some good protein and things, whether it's protein bars, whether it's things with nuts, whether it's a banana with peanut butter.

[335] I use peanut butter a fair amount because it's very easy for me. Like when we're driving across the country, I can drive with my meat and put peanut butter on a banana or an apple and it's safe.

[336] And it helps for me personally, that helps counteract some of the other things.

[337] So let's just be proactive with some of these things.

[338] Everybody's going to insist on the traditional foods and your kids don't want stupid turkey and stupid dressing and stupid gravy.

[339] And so pack the P .B. and J. Take the mac and cheese.

[340] Maybe you make the mac and cheese a special Thanksgiving way.

[341] And just let everybody, well, I don't know why he's not eating turkey.

[342] Just say, like, look, I don't know either.

[343] I also don't understand why you're so judgmental.

[344] I also don't, you know what else?

[345] I don't understand.

[346] I don't understand why you haven't gotten it, that we've been coming for Thanksgiving for 10 years now.

[347] And none of our kavetching and talking and worrying and judgments and everything, none of it's fixed everything.

[348] You know what I'm learning?

[349] Grandma and Grandpa, you know what I'm learning, Aunt Susie?

[350] I'm learning that when I accept my kids as they are.

[351] And this isn't accepting letting them tell you to go whatever yourself and letting them do.

[352] whatever they want.

[353] Not that.

[354] But I'm just learning.

[355] Yeah, my kids are a little bit different.

[356] And so he likes P .B. and J. And so if he wants to eat P .B. and J for Thanksgiving, why is everybody trying to control what other people are eating?

[357] Like, it's not probably one of the most unhealthy things there is?

[358] Why is everybody worried about that?

[359] Right?

[360] By the way, what we're eating probably isn't all that healthy.

[361] So we probably shouldn't even be eating what we're eating just because it's the tradition.

[362] So, you know, you can do it with some grace, but you can be assertive in getting people to back off of like, why is it so important?

[363] Why is this ruining your Thanksgiving that my son is eating peanut butter and jelly and mac and cheese?

[364] You know, he's probably eating that is because he's got so much anxiety because everybody's fixated on trying to control him.

[365] He's actually eating a perfectly fine little meal over there and everybody's getting all worked up.

[366] He probably has anxiety because of all of you.

[367] I'm kidding.

[368] Look, some of this is, I'm tired and the sarcasm's coming out.

[369] So do the sarcasm underneath your breath with your spouse and I give you permission once in a while.

[370] Let loose with a little bit if you want.

[371] Look, you're human.

[372] You're allowed to joke too.

[373] You don't have to be perfect.

[374] I want to be gracious and merciful and understanding.

[375] But I can also go back at people and say like, hey, back off.

[376] Why?

[377] And ask them.

[378] Say, look, one of the things I'm learning from this Calm Parenting podcast guy is I've got control issues.

[379] Now I'm understanding where they came from.

[380] And I don't want to spend my entire life trying to control everyone else, controlling what they think politically, controlling what they eat, controlling how they think.

[381] Nope, I'm learning.

[382] That only leads to frustration for me and for the person I'm trying to control.

[383] So I'm trying to learn how to control myself and my own anxiety so that my kids don't have to grow up and repeat these generational patterns, right?

[384] Get into a talk on generational patterns.

[385] That'll be fun.

[386] Managing expectations.

[387] Look, my all statistic team will want to be by himself and not talk much if he hangs indoors, respect that.

[388] It's who he is, right?

[389] Do we, look, are we, let me think about how to phrase this.

[390] There's that family member that's going to talk way too much and dominate everything, right?

[391] Well, do we, it's just who he is.

[392] That's what that person does, right?

[393] So your teen just needs some time by himself, honor that, respect that.

[394] And and just know that they're going to make comments.

[395] And so let them know, you could ask in a merciful way, say, you know, I wonder what it would feel like if you walked for a day in my son's shoes.

[396] Have you ever thought what it might feel like to be him?

[397] To be made in a certain way, to be made this way.

[398] And then you have to come and navigate a social situation that's extremely difficult.

[399] knowing that half of your family, the ones who are supposed to love you and accept you as you are, talk about you behind your back.

[400] What do you think that feels like?

[401] Why do you think he loves spending time outside?

[402] Why don't we instead say to him, you know what I like about you?

[403] You know your boundaries.

[404] You know what makes you happy.

[405] And you're spending time outside.

[406] And I love that you do that.

[407] And I really respect that about you.

[408] look now I want to be angry and say is that so freaking hard to do back off look I give you permission don't walk in and wail away right away but at some point you can say would it be too hard would it be so hard for you to look at my daughter and compliment her on something she does well and it wouldn't be wrong of you to say would you just back off just back off the kid you're not fixing anything, you're making it worse.

[409] Now, if we want to establish a new rule at Thanksgiving, that we all get to point out each other's flaws, I'm game, my friend, because I'm an observer of human nature.

[410] Who do we want to start?

[411] We want to go youngest, oldest, oldest, youngest.

[412] Who wants to start first?

[413] Because I'm ready.

[414] I've got lists I have in my head for years on each one of you, but I will practice my faith and start with me. Here are all of my issues.

[415] I'm a people.

[416] I'm a people please, you just go down the list.

[417] Why don't we just get it all out on the table?

[418] Why don't we just make a list of all of our own flaws?

[419] Because I can start with my own.

[420] I'll tick off 10 of my own right now, things I've struggled with my whole life, things I struggle with right now.

[421] Is that the game we want to play?

[422] Or are we here to be a family?

[423] This is supposed to be the place where my son has to go to school every day and get judged by all the other kids and all the teachers.

[424] And it's hard going through life like that.

[425] It's really hard.

[426] You want to walk a day in his shoes.

[427] We're here to be family.

[428] And this is the one place where my son needs to hear.

[429] You're really good at X. I really respect you for that.

[430] Or maybe he needs to hear nothing.

[431] And you just respect the fact that he needs some space.

[432] So if you want to be good family, love my child and accept him as he is instead of trying to fix him because he's been through his whole life like that.

[433] There's nothing wrong with that.

[434] I want to do all of these things, but there's nothing wrong with that either.

[435] We're hosting hubby loves cooking, being in charge of the menu, but he's a perfectionist about the furniture, the house, the carpet.

[436] So guess what?

[437] Wife is on edge the whole time.

[438] Look, I don't have a nice answer for you.

[439] Your husband is awesome.

[440] He's doing the cooking.

[441] He's doing all of that stuff.

[442] And so I honor him for that.

[443] I also know, probably, if I'm being realistic, that's a control issue.

[444] And he likes that.

[445] So it's not always like, well, I cook and I do all these things.

[446] No, those of you who take charge of the cooking, yes, you're very giving.

[447] I'll give you that.

[448] But you're also, part of it is probably you want to control the menu.

[449] So I want you at some point to be honest with your husband and say, it's exhausting and overwhelming trying to manage everybody else because you can't control yourself.

[450] Hubby, I love you.

[451] I married you because of X, Y, and Z, but it is really emotionally draining.

[452] And I'm becoming resentful because because you can't handle little things being awry I have to manage your emotions for you and what I want you to know is there's no judgment in that I have all I have my issues too but what I want you to know is that can't go on forever I'm exhausted doing it I am growing resentful that I married someone who can't control himself and so I honor you for cooking.

[453] I thank you for taking that thankless job on.

[454] But what I want more than anything else is for you to start to work on that and deal with imperfections of life because you married an imperfect flawed woman and we have imperfect flawed children.

[455] And I am tired of it and I'm exhausted and I can't do it anymore or else I will end up leaving.

[456] you.

[457] You don't have to say that, but that's just the truth of what happens.

[458] And that's the truth.

[459] Look, that's truth.

[460] You're tired of managing his emotions because he can't control them himself.

[461] I would encourage you, download to his phone.

[462] The dad's program that we have for men is me talking to men like men and teaching them.

[463] You've got to learn how to control your emotions.

[464] The reason you try to control your child's behavior and everybody else's behavior is because you can't control your own, and I need you to step up, and we have to do that.

[465] Right?

[466] That is a reality that will impact your marriage and your life and your entire family life, and we have to deal with these things head on, right?

[467] Otherwise, it just won't happen.

[468] Okay, I'm going to wrap it up because I went a really long time.

[469] I hope you found this helpful.

[470] I hope you find it enjoyable.

[471] I hope you can listen to this while you're on the way to the in -laws house.

[472] If we can help you in any way, reach out K -C -C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[473] Go to what?

[474] Celebrate Calm .com.

[475] I would get the Black Friday special.

[476] Download it.

[477] Look, if we can give you 35 hours worth of tools and they can help change their relationships and help even release us from some of these things like trying to fix all these situations, that would be worth it and more, right?

[478] So download that.

[479] It'll be an instant download and then play it on the drive.

[480] Listen to it while you're there.

[481] Maybe put it on while someone brings something.

[482] Hey, could you listen to this 10 minute little segment from this program and then we talk about it?

[483] Or I'm going to go do X. Could you listen to 10 minutes of this?

[484] And then when we get back, we can maybe discuss a different way to handle this with my child.

[485] look there's nothing wrong with that either anyway hey thank you happy thanksgiving to all of you love you talk to you soon bye bye