Anxiety & Defiance: Change Your Child Overnight

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[22] So how do you actually change some of this behavior literally overnight?

[23] what do you do with a child who struggles with anxiety who struggles to going new places resist new things who becomes defiant and just refuses to go how do you stop everything from escalating and actually get your child to participate in social activities how do you do all that stuff that's what we're going to talk about today on the calm parenting podcast so welcome this is kirk martin founder of celebrate calm you can find us at celebrate calm .com we have an Instagram page, look up, just Google Calm Parenting Podcast on Instagram.

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[26] If we can help you reach out to us, you will talk to our strong -willed son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com, and tell us about your family.

[27] We will help you.

[28] We will give you ideas and suggestions.

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[30] By the way, quick note, we've extended the Black Friday sale.

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[42] So let's talk about this.

[43] Let's talk about these situations because many of you have kids who do struggle with social skills.

[44] They struggle with new experiences.

[45] So common example.

[46] You rush into the living room from the kitchen.

[47] You call upstairs.

[48] expectantly.

[49] Hey, Jacob, hey, your first taekwondo classes tonight, get downstairs.

[50] Crickets.

[51] You don't hear a thing.

[52] Honey, I'm not going to ask you again.

[53] We don't have time for this tonight.

[54] You need to get downstairs and eat before we go.

[55] Again, crickets.

[56] Nothing.

[57] Ugh, here comes yet another power struggle.

[58] And it's been this way since your child was in your womb.

[59] Right?

[60] You try to sleep.

[61] He kicks.

[62] Always wanting to the opposite of what you.

[63] you have planned.

[64] And you're frustrated because you're trying to do this for your child.

[65] You don't need to spend the extra money and extra time to do this dumb class, right?

[66] But you thought it would be a good outlet for your child and a way for him to maybe make some friends.

[67] And so you're a little bit anxious and you're irritated.

[68] By the way, that's normal.

[69] You should feel anxious and irritated and frustrated and overwhelmed.

[70] Those are all normal feelings and being calm doesn't mean you all of a sudden become Gandhi and nothing bothers you.

[71] No, that's what alcohol does and we don't want that.

[72] So you're going to feel things and it's normal.

[73] Being calm means that you feel these things, you can get triggered but you don't react to those feelings because otherwise it escalates every time and it ruins your relationship.

[74] And by the way, it just doesn't work, right?

[75] But you're anxious and frustrated because you paid $135 for this class and you hate wasting money.

[76] And now you're going to be late again.

[77] And you hate walking in late because it's embarrassing.

[78] And maybe you were raised by career military father like I was who said, if you're not five minutes early, you're 10 minutes late.

[79] And it's a trigger for you.

[80] And now your child's doing his little delaying tactic.

[81] And that's irritating you.

[82] But here comes the moment of decision.

[83] You know how your child is going to react.

[84] He's going to resist, yell, and call you names.

[85] His face is going to turn purple as he screams, I'm not going.

[86] Taekwondo's stupid, you're stupid.

[87] Or even worse yet, he'll say, I'm not going.

[88] You can't make me. Challenging your authority.

[89] And he's going to sob crocodile tears, and he's going to try to talk his way out of it, complain that his stomach is upset, that he doesn't feel well, and he's going to plead with you.

[90] Just let him stay home this week, but next week, I promise, Mom, I promise I'll go.

[91] Please, Mom, look, you know that.

[92] You know this is what's coming, because you've heard it and you've seen it at least 20 times, 30 times, maybe 100 times, so you know what's about to happen.

[93] The real question now is this.

[94] What are you going to do differently this time?

[95] Because that's the only real variable here.

[96] You are not going to get him to change his behavior in this moment.

[97] The only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior.

[98] Are you going to react or respond?

[99] Are you going to inflame the situation or diffuse it?

[100] See, because we're so anxious and rushed and we take.

[101] these challenges to our authority so personally, here's your default mode.

[102] And I only know this because this is what I did dozens and dozens of times before I changed.

[103] You end up doing and saying things like the follow.

[104] You better get your little butt in the car or you're going to lose all your privileges.

[105] Do you understand me?

[106] I don't have time for this right now.

[107] Do what I say or else.

[108] Look, there's no need to be upset or scared.

[109] It's just a simple 45 -minute class.

[110] I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult.

[111] I used to say that all the time.

[112] That'll wound a kid's spirit, right?

[113] That hurts.

[114] Your brother never had any trouble doing this class.

[115] Oh, that's helpful compared to their sibling.

[116] If you want Kane and Abel to happen in your home, keep doing that, right?

[117] How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions?

[118] Yep, did that one.

[119] You know what?

[120] Just wait until your father gets home, right?

[121] Or the opposite.

[122] You are not going to talk.

[123] to me like that young man well actually apparently they are because they just did if you do not get in the car right now you are going to lose your video games for one month do you hear me you know what's interesting yes they hear you but you're not hearing your child you are making this situation all about you about your authority what you want about your time about your convenience but you're not listening to your child because you're too focused on changing or controlling your child's behavior instead of your own and I get it it's frustrating it shouldn't have to be this hard at all it shouldn't have to be but this is the way they're made right and this is what we're dealing with so we have to deal with reality because if you could control yourself this is how you how you would see the situation and what would hear.

[124] Your child doesn't have the maturity yet to say, mother, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience.

[125] I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age, and I get along better with older kids and adults and younger kids and animals.

[126] So I'm afraid the other kids are going to pick on me. And I have great difficulty with multi -step processes and auditory processing.

[127] So I'm scared that I'm going to fail at Taekwondo, like I fail at a lot of things and the truth is I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you and dad and my instructor and at this moment in my life I am too fragile emotionally to risk more failure so I'm going to call you names challenge your authority and be so disrespectful right now to your face that your only option is to punish me because the truth is I'd rather get spanked caged in my room lose everything that I and join life, then face the risk of failure and rejection.

[128] I wish I knew how to tell you that, but my fear overwhelms me, just like your anxiety about me is overwhelming you right now.

[129] So I react out of fear.

[130] What I need right now is for the adult in the home to show me a different way out of this, but you never do that.

[131] Instead, you just react like I do.

[132] Ouch.

[133] Right?

[134] Let's rewind that and go a little bit slower here.

[135] The reason your child is resisting you right now in this situation isn't that he's disrespectful to find a little snot who wants to make your life difficult.

[136] That's not what's happening.

[137] It's anxiety.

[138] Anxiety is caused by unknowns.

[139] A lot of your kids struggle with anxiety.

[140] I am 54.

[141] I struggle with anxiety.

[142] I've just learned tools to deal with it.

[143] And that's what we have to give our kids as tools to deal with it.

[144] But they don't have the maturity yet.

[145] So when you're telling them, get in the car, it's no big deal.

[146] It is a big deal to them.

[147] Because as soon as you say, we have Taekwondo tonight, what triggers in their little brains are all the unknowns that they're about to face because anxiety is caused by unknowns.

[148] What about the other kids?

[149] Are they going to pick on me?

[150] Is the instructor going to be nice?

[151] and what if it's really noisy in that place because I've got sensory processing issues and what if I'm not good at doing multiple step processes at the same time and following through and what if I fail and then I want to quit and dad's going to call me a quitter no I'm not going and so the reason they resist you and call you, look think about it why would they do something that will bring Armageddon down upon them they're going to lose everything they enjoy in life and they choose that.

[152] They choose that because that's preferable to the fear and anxiety of being rejected and experiencing failure again.

[153] So they take what is known, right?

[154] Go to your room right now, no video games for the rest of the week.

[155] Okay, I can deal with that because that's pretty much what has happened my entire childhood.

[156] But if I have to leave that house in that moment when I walk into that new room wherever it is.

[157] That is scary.

[158] So give me the known rather than the unknown.

[159] And they don't know how to tell you.

[160] So they react out of fear.

[161] And what they're looking for in that moment, right, they are filled with fear.

[162] And they look up and what my son saw was this big angry guy with my face all red and upset, glaring at him.

[163] Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

[164] It's not a big deal.

[165] It's a 45 -minute class.

[166] Get your little butt in a car.

[167] I don't know why you have to make it so difficult.

[168] That's what he looked up and saw, right?

[169] And that's what your kids start looking up and seeing as us dismissing what's going on and not even understanding them.

[170] See, where I would say, can you hear me?

[171] And the truth is most of the time, we're not hearing them.

[172] And so just like they're reacting out of fear, we do the same thing.

[173] See, we're not looking at a defiant child.

[174] we're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with his peers who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's out of his own control you're looking at a kid who's rarely been praised by people he's always in trouble he's the bad kid he doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his brother or sister and now you just berated him and demean him you just further reinforce that he's a difficult child who brings trouble on himself and you're a good parent right like this this happens to two good parents.

[175] This has nothing to do with like, well, you're just a terrible parent.

[176] You're a good parent.

[177] You're listening to the Calm Parenting podcast, right?

[178] By the way, please share this with other people, right?

[179] Because they're all good parents out here.

[180] I was a good dad.

[181] I just didn't know this stuff.

[182] And I just reacted like my dad reacted.

[183] And that's part of what excites me as over the weekend.

[184] I got all these notes, a lot of them from men, partly because I did that podcast just for men.

[185] they're like, I never realized that what I was doing was further reinforcing what my dad did to me. I was just passing down all that I knew and it just happened to be negative.

[186] And so what I heard over Thanksgiving weekend is a slew of men and moms, but of men, of dads, of husbands who are breaking generational patterns, of moms who are stopping too sweet.

[187] their kids, right?

[188] Because that's the other part.

[189] You don't want to be too sweet and we don't want to coddle them and I don't want to make excuses for them.

[190] That's almost as damaging as going the other route, right?

[191] And so we have all these families now that are changing and they're breaking those patterns and understanding their kids.

[192] And this is an awesome, awesome thing when you start to understand your child and the fact that they're not being defined, they were just an anxious kid.

[193] because now I know how to help them, right?

[194] And now they look at me with respect and as a resource that they can trust.

[195] So let's rewind this situation that's focus on controlling yourself instead and see how that turns out.

[196] So you know you're going to get pushed back because you always do.

[197] So you call upstairs, hey Jacob, your first taekwondo classes tonight, get downstairs.

[198] And again, you hear nothing.

[199] Instead of getting upset or irritated, maybe you mutter a quick prayer, or take a couple deep breaths or a quick drink.

[200] Kidding.

[201] You see a few Legos littering the floor.

[202] Obviously, not picked up like you asked and you cringe and a part of you that needs things to be orderly and to have instructions followed explicitly because that's how you were raised, winces inside.

[203] But you don't give into it, although you want to add that to your lecture.

[204] Instead, you grab a few Legos off the floor and walk upstairs because that's what I did.

[205] It was one of my first moments where I achieved a win, right, after messing this up for years.

[206] So you knock on your child's door, you walk in and you sit on the floor.

[207] Yeah, you sit right on the floor.

[208] The authority figure sits on the floor.

[209] And you don't say a thing.

[210] You start putting pieces of Legos together.

[211] See, you're building instead of destroying.

[212] And your child looks at you like you're crazy because he's been waiting for you.

[213] you to stand with your hands on your hips in the doorway delivering lecture number 43B looking disapprovingly shaking your head and threatening consequences that's what he's been waiting for and instead you're sitting on the floor looking down at the legos and then you utter this you know jacob if i were you i'd be anxious about going to a new class too you can be pretty scary doing new things and now you've done what you wish your spouse would do just once, acknowledge that what you are feeling is natural and normal and legitimate instead of dismissing you or saying you're overreacting.

[214] And your child looks at you puzzled.

[215] See, because you've just gotten to the root of the issue.

[216] You've just reached into his heart and addressed his fears and the real issue.

[217] It is not that he's defiant.

[218] It's that he's scared.

[219] and you've just assumed the best about him.

[220] Please write that down for the next few days.

[221] Assume the best about your child's and your spouse's motives.

[222] Try it for a few days.

[223] See how that changes things.

[224] That he doesn't want to be some defiant little son.

[225] He doesn't want to be that.

[226] So your child slowly climbs down from his bed and sits on the floor.

[227] And he begins fumbling with some Legos.

[228] And there's no eye contact.

[229] Because remember, I don't do eye contact when kids are upset.

[230] set, especially after they've just said something horrible because they're ashamed of themselves and I don't reinforce the shame.

[231] And by the way, if you have teenagers, you're not going to sit on the floor and build with Legos, probably.

[232] But you can go and you can sit, start playing their video games, playing a video game on your phone, watching little TikTok videos.

[233] You can go for a walk, sit in a car while you go to Taco Bell, whatever it is.

[234] Either any way you slice it, you're not controlling your child, you're controlling yourself.

[235] and you're taking a very humble attitude with this because you have every right to walk into the room and read them to riot act and yell at them and tell them that they're going to go and everything, you have every right to do that.

[236] But when you humble yourself, something really cool happens.

[237] And then you say this, you know how I know that, Jacob?

[238] Because in truth, I'm the same way.

[239] I get anxious when I'm meeting new people at book club or giving a presentation at work.

[240] It kind of makes my stomach upset.

[241] Is that what it feels like?

[242] And you may hear a little, huh, with a muted little response along with a nodding head.

[243] So now you trade pieces of Legos and you begin building something together without saying a word.

[244] Now you're together, sitting, connecting, building.

[245] Jacob, you know what helps me?

[246] You know, I'm just like you.

[247] I like helping other people.

[248] So whenever I go to one of those book club meetings, always ask the host, if I can fix some dish or do a job.

[249] At work, I get to my meeting early and set up.

[250] It kind of helps me deal with the unknowns because it makes me feel like I'm in control of something.

[251] So I've got an idea.

[252] Why don't we leave right now?

[253] We'll get to the Taekwondo class a few minutes early.

[254] I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers tell me all the time that you're the best helper in the class.

[255] And 93 .7 % of the time your child will get up and follow you to the car because you led him to a place of safety with your own humility.

[256] You, you've been a place of safety with your own just changed that entire situation.

[257] You just changed your child's response and you didn't make him do one thing.

[258] You simply controlled yourself.

[259] Boom.

[260] That's how you change your child overnight.

[261] That's how you change things very, very quickly in your home.

[262] Not by controlling your child, not by controlling other people, but by controlling yourself, by truly listening, by getting to the root of the issue and now your child for the rest of his life will know when I get anxious it means it's normal and I go to my parents to say mom dad I'm really kind of anxious about this and they can brainstorm with you and one of the best tools we've ever given for kids who struggle with anxiety is wherever you go have the adult wherever you take your child give your child a job to do have them do it ahead of time because now instead of being afraid of all the unknowns they know they've got their job to do and you've just set up and you created a success.

[263] So when they go into that place, the Taekwondo guy's like, man, you're a good helper.

[264] See how that works?

[265] I want you to work on this.

[266] Let's do it this week.

[267] That's practices, controlling yourself, learning, listening to your kids.

[268] It is awesome.

[269] If we can help you reach out to us, Casey, at celebrate calm .com.

[270] Look for the Black Friday sale because we show you how to do this in dozens of ways.

[271] Do it.

[272] I love you.

[273] You need help.

[274] You email us, let us know.

[275] Love you all.

[276] Bye -bye.