Armchair Anonymous: Morning After

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[3] Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

[4] I'm Dan Snepperd.

[5] I'm joined by Mrs. Mouse.

[6] Hi.

[7] Sometimes you're a Mrs. Mouse and sometimes you're a Mr. Mouse.

[8] And if I'm Mrs. who am I married to?

[9] Mr. Mouse.

[10] oh my god myself yeah well not yourself in this scenario but you if you're mrs mouse your husband has to be that's a man that's saying i know where'd it come from wasn't he like right outside the door listening to oh my god it just rang i kind of came out of the doll okay get that right up to the thing i'm gonna make it do that i think that's him yeah that's him he does he does he does he He does that.

[11] He does that.

[12] He's made like a cottage industry out of doing Urkel.

[13] Okay, just to give people some backstory, if you heard a random, did I do that?

[14] That was Aaron's phone he had left in the attic, that he has now set his text message.

[15] That's his alert.

[16] Exactly.

[17] And it really came out of nowhere for us.

[18] Should we hear it one more time?

[19] God, that might be the real oracle.

[20] No, I think it's Aaron.

[21] It's so hard to tell.

[22] They're identical.

[23] Oh, my gosh.

[24] Well, this episode, sadly, is not about Steve Urkel.

[25] This is about the weirdest place you've woken up after a night of drinking.

[26] Debuttery.

[27] Debuttery.

[28] Totally safe to listen to.

[29] Well, no one's dicey.

[30] One could actually, honestly, be a trigger?

[31] Be a trigger.

[32] Okay.

[33] So don't listen to this one.

[34] Let's play it safe.

[35] We'll catch up with you guys next week, and it's going to be on a safer topic.

[36] Please don't enjoy what we are calling the morning after.

[37] All times, come and go.

[38] Good times.

[39] Take them slow.

[40] Can you hear us?

[41] I can hear you.

[42] Hello, Amber.

[43] How are you?

[44] So good.

[45] Are we permitted to call you, Amber?

[46] Yes.

[47] Okay.

[48] We don't need a code name.

[49] No. Okay.

[50] Where are you at?

[51] I am in Winnipeg, Canada.

[52] Another Canadian.

[53] Is there either Canadian?

[54] Yes.

[55] Well, we've found in now the short history of the show, Armatured Anonymous, that inordinate amount of Canadians.

[56] So we're either thinking you guys are living more eventful lives or you're just great storytellers.

[57] Don't know what it is.

[58] We're in search of an explanation.

[59] I think we just have like very good senses of humor because we're freezing.

[60] I would agree to that.

[61] Yeah.

[62] So something wild happened after a night of drinking.

[63] Is that fair to say?

[64] Yeah.

[65] Let's just like preface this story by saying, I'm a functioning, responsible adult now, but 20 years ago, maybe not.

[66] Good.

[67] You're not supposed to be 20 years ago.

[68] In fact, if you didn't have a period of highly unpredictable behavior, then you didn't live.

[69] I'd like to think so.

[70] Yeah.

[71] So what happened?

[72] 20 years ago, you're 14.

[73] I would love to have been 14, but more 18 -ish.

[74] Okay.

[75] And drinking ages 19 in Canada at that point?

[76] It's 19 a couple places, but it's 18 here.

[77] Oh, wow, even better.

[78] So you're legal.

[79] Yes, and fully taking advantage.

[80] Yes.

[81] So I went to a bar.

[82] The bar is only about three or four blocks from my house where I lived.

[83] Are you out of high school yet?

[84] Are you still in high school?

[85] Summer between.

[86] I live in a pretty blue -collar, small community within the city.

[87] Everybody knows each other.

[88] Everybody lives within about 10 minutes.

[89] So we all go to the same bars.

[90] We would go every weekend.

[91] And so we went to this bar, drank, had fun.

[92] I was with the guy that I was dating at the time.

[93] How old tea?

[94] 19?

[95] Okay, good.

[96] We're in the safe zone.

[97] Okay, he's not like 45.

[98] That's a different prompt.

[99] Yeah, yeah.

[100] Yeah, same age -ish.

[101] So we drink all night.

[102] We're at this bar, and usually the next step is to go out after the bar somewhere to someone's house.

[103] It's usually close by.

[104] I decide, well, if I'm going to go out all night, I definitely need a toothbrush.

[105] I don't know why that was the only thing that I thought of, but no change of clothes, nothing of any real value of staying out all night, but just only a toothbrush.

[106] You're providing a lot of proof for my premise back when I used to try to convince Monica that the birth control pill toothbrush is the ultimate hack because everyone remembers to brush their teeth.

[107] That is true.

[108] Yes, right?

[109] Billion dollar idea.

[110] Okay, so you have a toothbrush.

[111] So I have to go home and sneak into my house to get my toothbrush.

[112] to not wake up my mom, sneak out, and we are off.

[113] We get into a vehicle.

[114] From the vehicle part to the next part is a little fuzzy.

[115] Sure, sure, a little hazy.

[116] I'm not confident.

[117] But again, we all know each other.

[118] We're all in the same neighborhood.

[119] So worse comes to worse.

[120] I'll walk home.

[121] So I wake up in the morning and as like, you know, 18, 19 year olds do, we're getting a little frisky, still heavily intoxicated, I'm sure.

[122] Are you in a room or are you in like a living room?

[123] I'm in a bedroom.

[124] Okay.

[125] And you're making love at this point.

[126] Is that fair to say?

[127] That's such a nice way of putting that.

[128] I don't know if 18 -year -olds make love, but whatever that was.

[129] And then all of a sudden, in probably the most compromising of positions, all of a sudden, the door swings open.

[130] Uh -oh.

[131] And almost like, Monica, you'll know this.

[132] That episode of friends were all the heads of all the friends pop in.

[133] So all of his buddies.

[134] Oh, God.

[135] Pop in and say, hey, bud, do you want to go fishing?

[136] And I'm like, what?

[137] First of all, we live in the city.

[138] We're like two hours from anywhere where you could fish.

[139] Second of all, you'd think that I would have cat -like reflexes in this moment.

[140] I did not.

[141] I froze as if if I don't move.

[142] They won't know.

[143] They won't see you.

[144] Sure.

[145] Invisibility cloak.

[146] So he's like, yeah, they all just leave.

[147] And I'm like, what's happening right now?

[148] Where are we fishing?

[149] I've gotten maybe two hours of sleep at this point.

[150] I just fall back asleep.

[151] So I wake up a few hours later.

[152] And I think, like, you know, I should probably get up.

[153] I got to brush my teeth.

[154] Yeah.

[155] Also, I should say, like, the bar outfit I had on, this is the early 2000.

[156] So it's strappy and sequency and short and it's a lot of look.

[157] It's extra.

[158] And so I open the door and I go out to just see where I'm at, what's going on.

[159] And when I open the door, there's children looking at me and wondering, who are you?

[160] I have no idea who these children are.

[161] Then I see, like, an older couple.

[162] Oh.

[163] I don't know who they are.

[164] So I say like, oh, hi, nice to meet you.

[165] I'm ever.

[166] And do you have a bathroom?

[167] Because I really need to brush my teeth.

[168] And so they're like, yeah, it's over there.

[169] There was no exchange of like who these people are.

[170] Who these children are?

[171] I have no idea.

[172] So I go to the bathroom.

[173] It's like two minutes of brushing my teeth and eight minutes of just like re -evaluating my life choices.

[174] And also bathrooms really don't have any distinguishable.

[175] of where you could figure out, like, where you are in the world, for the most part.

[176] Go back into the bedroom, close the door.

[177] And this is before social media or before smartphones.

[178] So I'm just staring into the wind, basically.

[179] I have nothing to do with myself.

[180] Are there any clues in the bedroom?

[181] Does it look like a kid's room?

[182] Does it look like a teenager's room?

[183] Does it look like a guest room?

[184] Are there pictures on the wall?

[185] There's no pictures on the wall.

[186] It's just a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser.

[187] Okay.

[188] Boyfriend comes back and I say, like, where are we?

[189] There's a whole family outside the room.

[190] He goes, oh, one of my buddies, it's his family cabin.

[191] It's two hours outside of the city, and they're all here for the weekend as a family.

[192] Oh, my God.

[193] So I had met his younger siblings who had been just like playing in the living room, his parents.

[194] And also had very much gotten busy in a guest room that I have no concept of how loud that was.

[195] I have no clue.

[196] Yeah, that's right.

[197] You were still intoxicated.

[198] Totally.

[199] So then I do have to go back out eventually and say hi and all of his buddies are there.

[200] This whole family's there.

[201] But then I'm thinking, oh, we're going to head home at this point.

[202] But they had a whole beach day planned.

[203] Wait, what?

[204] What?

[205] You got roped into this family vacation?

[206] Oh, yeah.

[207] So with said family in my bar outfit, I had to sit on the beach the remainder the remainder of the weekend.

[208] Oh, you did a whole weekend there.

[209] Well, we got there, yeah, Saturday, and then we were there until Sunday, probably at like nine o 'clock.

[210] Oh, boy.

[211] Well, we're two hours on to the city, so I had no way home.

[212] Yeah.

[213] So, you know, children are playing in the sand.

[214] I look like someone's degenerate aunt who just, like, couldn't get her shit together for the day.

[215] Can I make a guess, though?

[216] My hunch is you started drinking again around 7 p .m. and it was all fine Saturday night.

[217] Yeah, you have to drink again, Because at that point, your dignity is like in the shitter and you can't really recover from that.

[218] I can imagine going full circle and being pretty pumped I was there Saturday night.

[219] Like, oh, I guess I'm back into this.

[220] What about your parents?

[221] Do you have to call them and be like, I'm on vacation.

[222] I'm on vacation.

[223] I'm up north.

[224] I mean, you disappeared.

[225] Yeah, my mom wasn't pumped.

[226] Okay.

[227] Right, right, yeah.

[228] But I do think when you're really wild at that age, you end up being a very boring adult.

[229] I don't really do much now.

[230] I'm in bed by 10 p .m. now.

[231] But at the time, you kind of get all this craziness out of your system.

[232] Well, I couldn't agree more.

[233] I didn't leave my yard for like 12 days a few weeks ago.

[234] We figured it out.

[235] Didn't even occur to me. Like, I couldn't be in the same place more than two hours in my 20s.

[236] I had to be constantly devouring everything.

[237] What's next?

[238] Me neither.

[239] Always have a two -day weekend's worth of clothes on your person.

[240] You were actually really smart to get that toothbrush.

[241] You were gone two nights.

[242] That was really lucky.

[243] God, now I'm going back and I'm playing detective.

[244] I got a hunch.

[245] There was a point that you.

[246] you knew that's what you were doing, which is why you insisted on getting your toothbrush.

[247] You were told we're going up to Derek's cabin and you're like, well, fuck, I'll need a toothbrush.

[248] You were too fucked up to think I also need clothes.

[249] I got a hunch.

[250] You forgot that you knew that.

[251] But I bet you knew that.

[252] And that's what drove the insatiable need for the toothbrush.

[253] You're giving me a lot of credit.

[254] It was not much thinking going on.

[255] And also just the amount of other times that I would end up somewhere.

[256] It was a pattern.

[257] Oh, yeah.

[258] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[259] Well, Amber, I'm glad you're here.

[260] I'm glad you made it.

[261] Thanks for telling us that story.

[262] Great meeting you and great getting to talk to you.

[263] Be well up there.

[264] Stay warm.

[265] Thanks.

[266] Hello.

[267] Hi, Patrick.

[268] How's it going?

[269] Can you hear me?

[270] Beautifully.

[271] Where are you at, Patrick?

[272] Just outside of D .C. Cathesburg?

[273] Close by, yeah.

[274] Oh, okay, wonderful.

[275] I always say that.

[276] You know, that's my go -to, right, Monica?

[277] I know.

[278] I know.

[279] I like your bookshelf.

[280] You have a lot of good books on there.

[281] You can't read those books.

[282] You have colorful books.

[283] It's like baby books and it's like baby books.

[284] my wife's books.

[285] Okay, so Patrick, what age does your crazy night of drinking occur?

[286] So I was 22 years old.

[287] I was still in college.

[288] This is back in 2007.

[289] Okay, where were you in college?

[290] University of Maryland.

[291] Wonderful.

[292] I'm staying at home at my parents' house for the summer, and it's a Friday.

[293] A couple of my buddies, they want to go to OAR concert.

[294] They're in town.

[295] It's been a long week.

[296] I have this summer job where I'm waking up at like 4 .30 in the morning.

[297] So Friday comes around.

[298] I'm exhausted.

[299] You know, I get invited to this OAR concert.

[300] concert and kind of skeptical.

[301] I think I'm not going to be able to power through.

[302] But, you know, I get pure pressure then to go in.

[303] So I go, 22 years old, kind of your solution at that point is just to go hard and power through.

[304] So we're in the parking lot.

[305] We're shotgun and beers, trying to get drunk as fast as possible, basically.

[306] It doesn't take long.

[307] I think maybe like a half hour into it unblacked out.

[308] Oh, wow.

[309] Okay, great.

[310] So you really hit the ground sprinting.

[311] Yeah, I was like, I'm going to fall asleep or I'm going to get drunk.

[312] So I got drunk.

[313] I don't remember even going into the concert, to be honest.

[314] I remember like snippets, bits and pieces of the concert, but the whole night is just a big blur.

[315] I kind of come to a little bit.

[316] The concert's over.

[317] Me and my friends and a couple like friends of friends were walking over to the mall.

[318] Close by within walking distance.

[319] There's like Unos attached to it.

[320] Oh, Chicago style pizza?

[321] Yeah.

[322] We're there for the beer, though.

[323] We're still going hard.

[324] So we go to the bar at Unos.

[325] Literally like the last thing I remember is my buddy getting cut off.

[326] And I was kind of making fun of him.

[327] I was like, he's sloppy.

[328] You know, I'm under control, but he's lost it.

[329] That's it.

[330] I black out.

[331] The next thing I know, I wake up, I'm still out of it.

[332] Kind of that morning after sort of drunk where you're just hazy and you don't really know what's going on.

[333] You can't think straight.

[334] And simple decisions are very hard.

[335] I look around.

[336] I'm in a folding chair, but like sitting straight up.

[337] Oh, you're at a picnic.

[338] I pull out my 2007 Nokia flip phone.

[339] There's no evidence of life on my phone.

[340] Like, nobody's trying to reach me to.

[341] So nobody's looking for me. I look down, I'm barefoot, I lost my sandals.

[342] Can I ask, are you indoors or out?

[343] I'm indoors.

[344] Okay, you're indoors in a lawn chair, no shoes.

[345] So I start looking around.

[346] I'm in, like, a storage room.

[347] I'm getting, like, kind of saw.

[348] Ew, yeah, this is scary.

[349] Yeah, for a second, I was kind of scared, but I was too out of it to think I was, like, in danger or anything.

[350] I'm just trying to process it.

[351] Did you look down to see if any of your organs were missing?

[352] No organs missed and everything was there.

[353] I was in pack.

[354] You know, I do the wallet, cell phones, Keith.

[355] So I got everything.

[356] I'm good.

[357] So I haven't been robbed.

[358] I haven't been hurt or attacked or anything.

[359] I'm like, this is a good start.

[360] I just got to figure out where I am.

[361] I get up, sort of stumble around.

[362] And the first door I go through, there's a bathroom.

[363] So I'm like, this is great.

[364] I got to pee.

[365] So I pee.

[366] And then I go back out to the storage room.

[367] There's another entranceway.

[368] But like there's like a dark room on the other side of it.

[369] Can't really make anything out.

[370] So I sort of stumble through and I just go through this entryway.

[371] And it's all quiet.

[372] And then all of a sudden, an alarm just starts blowing.

[373] wearing, just starts going off.

[374] Oh.

[375] In that moment, I'm thinking, I'm breaking and entering.

[376] I'm in, like, a house.

[377] I'm in trouble.

[378] I try making out my surroundings.

[379] I'm picking up on context clues and stuff.

[380] Immediately, I realized I'm in Spencers in the mall.

[381] No, no, no, no. There's black light posters.

[382] There's sex boys.

[383] I'm in Spencers.

[384] I don't know how I got here.

[385] I don't know anybody that works at Spence.

[386] I don't know anybody that works at the mall.

[387] Oh, my God.

[388] No idea how I got it in here.

[389] So I run to the front of the store, that metal gates down, and it's all dark.

[390] The mall is completely closed.

[391] What?

[392] What time do you think it is?

[393] When I checked my cell phone, it was like 5 o 'clock in the morning.

[394] So you have a good four or five hours.

[395] How did you get?

[396] Wow.

[397] This is like magic.

[398] But now I just want to get out.

[399] Like, I'm an awkward, drunken ninja.

[400] Like, I'm just bouncing around trying to figure out how to get out of this place.

[401] I don't know what to do.

[402] So I run back to the storage room.

[403] There's another door, but it's like an emergency.

[404] exit door.

[405] Okay.

[406] This could be good.

[407] In my haze, I'm like, do I go through this door?

[408] Is some secondary alarm going to go off?

[409] The alarm's already going off.

[410] So, like, I can't even think straight.

[411] You're in for a penny and for a pound.

[412] The alarm's already going off.

[413] Let's set them all off and get the fuck out of there.

[414] Exactly.

[415] So I go through and I'm holding my hands up, like a SWAT team's going to be out there or something.

[416] I think I'm in like serious trouble at this point.

[417] I go out the door and it's five o 'clock in the morning, completely empty parking lot.

[418] It's quiet.

[419] It's a nice sunny morning.

[420] There's no Uber at this time.

[421] I'm three miles maybe from my parents' house, and my immediate thought is, like, I can make it home.

[422] I can walk home barefoot three miles.

[423] So I start walking, and then I'm kind of going back and forth between barefoot jogging and walking, thinking that it's going to speed things up a little bit.

[424] Finally, somebody pulls over, and they recognize me. It's like a family friend.

[425] He's getting off the night shift or something.

[426] So he's like, do you want to ride home?

[427] And I was like, yes, that would be great, thank you.

[428] He takes me home.

[429] I walked into my parents house.

[430] By this point, it's maybe 6 .30 or something.

[431] My parents are up, like, making breakfast and stuff, and I walk by them.

[432] They're all confused.

[433] They think I'm upstairs sleeping in my room.

[434] And I'm too out of it and stuff to make up any lies.

[435] I'm like, I woke up in Spencer's.

[436] I got to go to sleep.

[437] So I walk upstairs.

[438] I hear my mom in the background.

[439] My mom's like, who the hell is Spencer?

[440] Uh -huh, sure.

[441] I talked to my buddies later on.

[442] I try to figure out what the hell happened.

[443] That's like, did you guys get lost?

[444] Do you want to wake up at footlo?

[445] They pretty much blacked out also, but the one thing that they remembered was that we were in Uno's and like a fight broke out.

[446] Oh.

[447] So everybody fled, who knows?

[448] Nobody knows what happened after that.

[449] What?

[450] For maybe like a year, I didn't go back to the mall.

[451] Definitely not the Spencer.

[452] I thought there was going to be like a wanted poster of me or something.

[453] Yeah, of course.

[454] When you're young, yeah, you think you're going to be the brunt of an FBI investigation.

[455] Yeah, I thought it was all about me. So you just still never know because clearly Spencer's was closed by the time you were at Uno's partying.

[456] Yeah.

[457] So I have all kinds of theories.

[458] Maybe I just wandered around and maybe a door was unlocked and I just helped myself or maybe I just like fell asleep in a parking lot and somebody was like, come on in here, you could sleep here and be safe.

[459] I don't know.

[460] Wow.

[461] I got a vote for the you're getting the fuck out of Uno's.

[462] You're afraid you're going to get your bell wrong and you're just checking doors.

[463] and by some miracle of that door you left, the emergency door.

[464] Wasn't all the way closed.

[465] And you went in there to wait it out.

[466] You sat down in a chair.

[467] I'll give this 20 minutes.

[468] And then cut to 5 a .m. Oh, my God.

[469] That is so funny.

[470] Oh, wow.

[471] Do you regret not stealing any stuff?

[472] No, I don't regret it because I thought I was actually going to get arrested.

[473] But I remember seeing toys and stuff like that.

[474] And I wasn't thinking of cash register.

[475] I was like, oh, like a Rubik's cube or whatever.

[476] Yeah.

[477] I think the statute of limitations has expired for.

[478] me to tell this but my brother worked at kb toy store in our mall in michigan and they had tons of the flexi track for the train sets and so he when he was on the night you know they didn't have a night ship but he would be there late he would go out of kb toys with a bunch of that track assembled and he'd wrap a ton of tape around the other end and he would fish it through the gate at the record store next door and he nab tapes that were in the discount pile, and he could serpentine them through the gate.

[479] That reminded me of that.

[480] Who's here?

[481] We got a visitor.

[482] Hi, Tony Bear.

[483] Hi, Delty.

[484] What's my friend?

[485] What's he doing?

[486] Recording.

[487] Well, that's a great story, Patrick.

[488] What a punchline that you woke up at Spencer.

[489] Yeah, the mall.

[490] My favorite place.

[491] Yeah, this is Delta.

[492] Hi, Delta.

[493] Delta, you can say hi to Patrick.

[494] Hi, sorry, I interrupted.

[495] That's okay.

[496] I was going to grab my wife and possibly kids.

[497] Bring her in.

[498] Oh, look at this beautiful family you've assembled.

[499] Hi.

[500] Nice to meet you guys.

[501] Who's this little one?

[502] Oh, there's two little ones.

[503] You see hi, hi, Bree?

[504] Hi.

[505] Your name is Bree?

[506] Oh, that's a beautiful name.

[507] What's the baby's name?

[508] Molly.

[509] We know a Bree and a Molly.

[510] We do, and we love them both.

[511] Yes.

[512] Well, it's so nice meeting you guys.

[513] an incredible story.

[514] I hope you'll someday get a breakthrough in the case.

[515] It's one of life's great unsolved mystery.

[516] Yeah, I love it.

[517] All right.

[518] Well, nice to be in you guys.

[519] We're going to find out something crazy that happened to someone else now.

[520] Can't wait to listen.

[521] Okay.

[522] Bye.

[523] Bye.

[524] Nice meeting you, Patrick.

[525] What's up guys?

[526] It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good.

[527] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[528] Okay.

[529] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[530] And I don't mean just friends.

[531] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[532] The list goes on.

[533] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[534] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[535] We've all been there.

[536] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[537] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[538] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[539] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[540] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[541] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[542] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[543] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[544] Hello.

[545] Hello.

[546] How's it going, Dex?

[547] How's it going, Monica?

[548] Wonderful.

[549] You're going to make Monica so happy.

[550] Yes, you're in the closet.

[551] You followed instructions.

[552] I love that.

[553] Phil, do we call you by your real name?

[554] You absolutely can.

[555] I'm pretty sure.

[556] Everybody knows a story that knows you.

[557] Okay, so tell us, Phil, what happened to you during your night of drinking?

[558] So this story is my 21st birthday story, which always ends up being a fun night.

[559] This one wasn't as fun for me, but it still ended up being a good story for everybody.

[560] So I was going to school in Montana at the time, and I decided that I want to go back home to Portland to go spend my 21st birthday there and go see my family.

[561] So I hopped in the car with my best friend and took a little road trip.

[562] We go home and my family's having this big barbecue in the backyard and it's kind of a constant thing.

[563] I got a June birthday.

[564] My mom makes her infamous Long Island iced teas for the night to kind of celebrate.

[565] As you know, Long Island iced teas are usually multiple shots and one drink.

[566] It's a fast track.

[567] My moms are infamous for having way too many shots.

[568] We have a good night there and a couple of my friends are there and my sister's there.

[569] She says, all right, well, we can't just have your 21st birthday here.

[570] We've got to go downtown and have a good time.

[571] Yeah, you got to order a drink at a bar.

[572] Yeah.

[573] Yeah, so we go downtown, and it's about five of us.

[574] And we go to Huber's, which is the oldest bar in Portland.

[575] They're for their Spanish coffees, and they make this really cool display where the guy pours the Spanish coffee over his head.

[576] Oh, fun.

[577] So it's kind of our tradition to go there.

[578] Yeah.

[579] By this point, we've already had my mom's Long Island and his teas.

[580] We've had a couple drinks at this bar.

[581] I'm definitely starting to feel it and starting to kind of brown out a little bit.

[582] Sure, sure.

[583] My sister says, oh, we should go to this club.

[584] We could go dancing and this and that.

[585] And I'm like, I don't really feel like dancing.

[586] It's not really my thing.

[587] But I know this strip club across the street and I'm just going to take my friend over there.

[588] Sure, yeah.

[589] We go to this club and my friend walks in and he goes up the stairs and out of sight.

[590] I try to get in and I show the bartender my ID.

[591] And it's expired because it expired on my birthday, which was technically the day.

[592] before.

[593] So he wouldn't let me in because I had an expired ID.

[594] Oh, come on, guy.

[595] Oh, my God.

[596] On your 21st birthday.

[597] Come on.

[598] Yeah.

[599] I think at this point, it's actually just because I'm very obviously intoxicated.

[600] You're too drunk to be there.

[601] They're looking for any reason.

[602] Exactly.

[603] I go to reach for my phone to give him a call and I realize I don't have my phone.

[604] And so I can't let him know.

[605] But he's already off in the strip club.

[606] He's already having a good time.

[607] He didn't turn back or wait for me or anything, you just went off.

[608] He's showing his true colors.

[609] Yeah, exactly.

[610] So I look around me and I see this other bar right next to the strip club and I stumble in and this is where my memory starts to really fade.

[611] And I walk into this bar and there's nobody in this bar.

[612] There's one table with one spotlight on it and there's four guys around it.

[613] I asked them if I could use their phone.

[614] And so I go and they allow me to use their phone, which is like back in the back room.

[615] It's like a corded phone on the wall.

[616] And so I go to type in my sister's phone number because it's That's the only phone number I have memorized.

[617] So I call her, but she doesn't answer.

[618] They get a call back, and it's my sister.

[619] So I talk to her for a second.

[620] This is where I don't remember.

[621] She tells me to go outside, wait outside, and she'll come find me, and she knows where I am.

[622] Yeah, she'll collect you.

[623] Yeah, I walk out of the bar and just go down the street to start walking.

[624] Yeah, you got to see some stuff.

[625] Yeah, see what's cracking.

[626] Oh, drunk people.

[627] As we hear these stories, isn't it insane?

[628] You become like a zombie.

[629] A child.

[630] And you're just, you're at the whim of luck at that point.

[631] You know, whatever happens, happens.

[632] Yes.

[633] Anything's on the table.

[634] Yeah.

[635] And it was.

[636] So I start walking down the street, I guess, from here on, these are memories that I had been told.

[637] I was walking down the street and somebody saw me just stumbling, tripping, just shouldn't be in public.

[638] A danger to themselves.

[639] Yeah.

[640] Some guy decided to help me out and he asked me where I lived and if I needed help.

[641] I didn't tell him I lived in Portland and here's my parents' address.

[642] I told him my college town.

[643] And so I guess he took it in his power to take me home, but not to my house, but to his house.

[644] Okay.

[645] Oh, my God.

[646] I only remember like a faint little bit of being in somebody else's car that night.

[647] And so then the next morning I wake up and I'm in this guy's bed.

[648] Oh, laying next to me. No. No, I hate, oh, my God.

[649] Cuddling me. Oh, there's cuddling.

[650] No. He said he's Catalina.

[651] This is upsetting.

[652] I immediately jump out of bed.

[653] I realize I'm fully clothed still.

[654] Oh, thank God.

[655] Thank God.

[656] That little hesitation before you said fully clothed.

[657] There was no discomfort.

[658] Right.

[659] Everything felt tight as it should be.

[660] I run into the bathroom, check myself, realize, you know, I have nothing in my pockets except for five bucks in my expired ID.

[661] and I'm like, what am I going to do at a strip club with five bucks?

[662] You know what I think?

[663] Yeah.

[664] I had a hunch you had no money when you were telling me you were going in because I was like, this guy not only saw you or too shit -faced, but he also was like, this guy has no money to be here.

[665] So I end up walking back out and kind of asking him what had happened.

[666] And he just said, oh, man, you were just too drunk.

[667] You couldn't talk to me or anything.

[668] And I didn't want to just leave you there.

[669] So I took you home and cuddled you like a newborn.

[670] What?

[671] No, no. No, no, no. No, I just took you home.

[672] I put you in my bed and snuggled you.

[673] Oh, my God.

[674] Apparently, I put myself in his bed.

[675] Okay, in his defense.

[676] But he could have slept somewhere else.

[677] Yeah, exactly.

[678] I actually ended up asking him if I could use his phone and called my sister.

[679] And at the point that I left, she thought I was just going to be outside this bar.

[680] But apparently, I'm nowhere to be found.

[681] And so she's looking all over the place, goes into the bar, can't find me. I'm just gone.

[682] So she's thinking I got kidnapped.

[683] Which you kind of did, but not really.

[684] This is why I'm scared of kidnapping because they're real.

[685] Yeah, yeah, you got a good point.

[686] So she goes home and tells my parents at like 2 o 'clock in the morning, I lost her son.

[687] So they freak out.

[688] She kind of tells them the story.

[689] And then they go out.

[690] My parents, my sister, my friends all going out downtown, driving around.

[691] Oh, you're that guy.

[692] Yeah.

[693] So I call the next morning and my sister's screaming.

[694] at me. Where the hell have you been?

[695] What the fuck are you doing?

[696] What is going on?

[697] I'm just like, I'm fine.

[698] Everything's fine.

[699] I'm with my new friend, Greg.

[700] I end up getting a ride from this guy back over to my side of town.

[701] He was up in like northeast Portland and I'm down more than southwest.

[702] And so he drove me about halfway.

[703] And then my sister came to get me up from that point on.

[704] And luckily I was there at that time.

[705] Wow.

[706] And did he want to exchange info?

[707] Like, let's stay in touch.

[708] No, he just told my sister that I probably shouldn't drink as much.

[709] Okay.

[710] So he had a little lesson to bestow after he snuggled a 21 -year -old.

[711] What was the age of this gentleman?

[712] I want to say late 30s, early 40s.

[713] Okay.

[714] All right.

[715] Okay.

[716] Okay.

[717] Oh, my God.

[718] Oh, well, you got pretty lucky all things considered.

[719] You did.

[720] Right, Phil?

[721] Yeah, and of course, I have never let this story down because my sister, who just loves the gossip told everybody.

[722] So from that point on, anytime I met somebody or saw somebody, they're like, oh, you're the guy who woke up with another guy in her 21st birthday.

[723] Snuggling a stranger.

[724] Wow.

[725] Oh, Phil.

[726] I'm really glad you had your clothes on.

[727] Me too.

[728] The silver lining of the stories you had your clothes on.

[729] And let this be a cautionary tale to anyone who's going out on their 21st birthday tonight.

[730] Use the buddy system.

[731] Let's keep one fucking.

[732] person sober in the group or mildly drunk someone should be limited to six drinks like that's a minimum sacrifice we could ask someone to make someone's got to be not in a blackout that's really it's a good goal well phil thanks so much it was great meeting you i really appreciate meeting you guys and thank you for your time okay wonderful be good brother all right take care here's erika erika hi hello can you hear me oh crystal clear really well yay are we allowed to use your real name Erica?

[733] Yes, please.

[734] Okay.

[735] I'm going to use mine and Monica's are going to use...

[736] I'm going to use Chip.

[737] Chip.

[738] Okay.

[739] Daxon Chip.

[740] By the way, you don't look like a heavy drinker.

[741] Was this an out of the ordinary experience for you?

[742] Actually, I'm really glad you asked that because it was not at all.

[743] I love that.

[744] Okay, so I see you.

[745] Don't judge a book.

[746] No, I think we're in the same business.

[747] I'm actually a little over one year sober right now.

[748] Fuck yeah.

[749] Congratulations.

[750] So you do look very sober to me right now.

[751] Yes, I'm quite healthy, I think.

[752] Didn't want to go too much into the fan stuff right off the bat, but I do just have to say that listening to you talk about your sobriety experience has been really impactful for me and just coming forward and telling a story and being like, I'm just going to own it and laugh.

[753] And it's kind of scary, but here I am.

[754] I'm alive.

[755] So thank you.

[756] That makes me the happiest.

[757] If I can play some tiny role in somebody's sobriety, that's about as good as I can do.

[758] So thank you.

[759] All right, so back when you weren't sober, When you're making wild stories, hit us with what happened.

[760] Yeah.

[761] So my bad times with alcohol happened right away.

[762] There was no easing into it.

[763] It was pretty much immediately.

[764] Good.

[765] So this story happened when I was 16 or 17, so I was in high school.

[766] A big part of setting the stage for this story is that I grew up in rural Maine.

[767] And so we kind of had to get creative, I think, probably like most teenagers do, but in our own way about where we were going to party.

[768] Field parties, lake parties.

[769] outdoor parties you see where this is going already yeah yeah yeah we partied in fields a lot in michigan just so you know you had a field you had a venue i know another equivalent is like gravel pits were really popular great place to party yeah my friends it was kind of a small group of us we were really close and we didn't have parties we did camp outs that's very important it was a camp out so i think just prior to this event we had been like having these camp outs where we just you know exactly what it is set up our tents, have a fire, and drink a bunch and hang out.

[770] And we were doing those at our friend's house.

[771] And as happens with teenagers, we got caught.

[772] Apparently we weren't being super discreet.

[773] Probably like 100 yards from his parents' house just like raging, thinking they weren't going to notice.

[774] So I had a couple guy friends.

[775] They went and decided they were just going to scout us a totally new location.

[776] Again, rural Maine, like they just drove around back roads, dirt roads.

[777] They were looking for property that was not posted as private property because that would obviously be really bad and was like not near any houses where someone could catch us and where we could just continue our campouts.

[778] So they found this spot that we started going to pretty regularly and I just GPSed it.

[779] It's like an hour from where my parents lived.

[780] So already I'm driving to go to this party.

[781] You're committed.

[782] Yes.

[783] It's a ways out.

[784] I think my mom probably made me call from a landline on call her ID before I went to the party.

[785] I probably went to my best friend Melissa's house to call my mom and say, oh man, I'm safe, not do anything crazy.

[786] And then drove out to this location.

[787] I was very proud of being someone with a truck that could go out to this party and packed it up and drove out probably down a mile long dirt road.

[788] I remember vividly having to cross this streamy part where everybody else had to leave their cars.

[789] And I was like super excited that I didn't have to.

[790] Yes, this is great.

[791] So we set up our campsite.

[792] I found some pictures of this location fairly recently because of this prompt.

[793] And we like really set it up.

[794] It was all of our tents.

[795] We had tiki torches, beer pong table, nice fire pit, camp chairs.

[796] Like, we weren't messing around.

[797] Yeah.

[798] It was like the honors club of campers.

[799] We were all pretty good kids, really like good in school.

[800] A lot of my friends played sports and were like pretty on top of it.

[801] So I imagine it was one of those we're doing this.

[802] We're not messing around.

[803] Sounds like my friend group.

[804] For sure.

[805] So the night is probably just a typical night, nothing that I can remember to report, because I think I was blacked out drunk.

[806] So I probably played beer pong.

[807] We were drinking bud lights and went to sleep in my tent.

[808] That's what I know happened because people told me it happened.

[809] I went to sleep in my tent.

[810] When I woke up, I was walking down a trail and unmarked, like an ATV trail, you know.

[811] There's probably like a 15 -second window where I'm just walking.

[812] I don't really realize what's going on.

[813] I remember seeing my feet and just being like, okay, like, I don't know what we're doing here.

[814] This is kind of weird.

[815] Morning or night?

[816] It was morning.

[817] Okay, okay.

[818] So that was probably good, but also very disorienting because I was like, I think I was at a party.

[819] It's also weird to wake up mid -strike.

[820] A novel experience, for sure.

[821] I'm sure it was like a combo of still blackout drunk and a little bit of sleepwalking.

[822] you know, and just like that's when I came to.

[823] I bet you went out of your tent to piss in the woods and then went the wrong way to get back to your tent and then woke up.

[824] That's my theory too.

[825] I don't know what else would lead me to leave my tent.

[826] But I did and I'm just walking.

[827] Super disoriented.

[828] Everything looks the same.

[829] I think my first thought was like, okay, if I'm walking out, I should probably just turn around and go back because that would make the most sense.

[830] Yep.

[831] But I was drunk and disoriented.

[832] And so I just remember, like, running in one direction and then being like, I don't know what to do, running in another direction.

[833] Oh, my God.

[834] Oh, my God.

[835] Is panic setting in?

[836] Yeah.

[837] Hear panic.

[838] Crying, yelling.

[839] Like, maybe someone will hear me. Yeah.

[840] Help.

[841] Oh.

[842] So I don't know, like, what ultimately brought me back other than probably just trial and error and calm down enough to be like, okay, well, just go in one direction, like, stop going back and forward.

[843] Yeah.

[844] Half measures will avail us.

[845] Nothing.

[846] Yeah.

[847] And, you know, I got back and, like, of course, my best friend, Melissa, she was terrified, you know, like, thought I died.

[848] Got abducted.

[849] Yeah.

[850] Kidnapped, because that happens a lot camping.

[851] Did you guys never think when you're out in the woods like this, like some hicks are going to come by and we're going to end up in a basement?

[852] I remember people being, like, nervous, you know?

[853] I remember this one controversy among the group where, like, one person thought they saw a truck, but no one else saw it.

[854] And, like, the group didn't.

[855] believe them and everybody was like really worried did this happen are we at risk so i think there was some awareness of we're not stupid like we know we're taking a risk here like we're on someone else's land which at the very least a landowner could come and either we'd get in trouble or again who knows because it's backwoods yeah i own what's on this property right but we're pretty confident we went there a lot i think the word is brazen yes and we staked our claim we were like this is our spot now so you got back to camp and how long had you been gone?

[856] Who knows?

[857] I don't think anybody actually knows how long I was gone.

[858] My recollection is 30 -ish minutes.

[859] Not so long that like people were fully outlooking for me, but definitely like what should we do?

[860] We're concerned.

[861] Do we go, you know?

[862] And then I'm sure I came back and at the time I was just like, ha ha, here I am.

[863] I made it.

[864] And we're all laughing.

[865] But I was terrified.

[866] I was so scared and disoriented and confused and drunk.

[867] Yeah.

[868] Wow.

[869] And then hold you Were you when you quit?

[870] 30.

[871] Okay, so you had a good 15 more years of that.

[872] Yeah.

[873] And when I told my husband, we've been together for six years, and he's seen me, like, some at my worst, but, like, he wasn't there for my big party days.

[874] And so he was like, well, what prompt are you responding to?

[875] And I told him the prompt, and his face was just like, oh, God.

[876] What story are you going to tell?

[877] Although any prompt that doesn't involve pooping your pants, kind of a plod.

[878] He had to think, like, well, it could be worse.

[879] I could be learning about something I didn't know about.

[880] And then pretty consistent blackout drinker.

[881] Was that your mode?

[882] Yeah, that was one of the big things that made me need to stop.

[883] Because it was from the beginning, kind of what I said when I first started drinking, it was so apparent.

[884] I look back now.

[885] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[886] And it's like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag.

[887] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[888] I think I blacked out the first time I ever really drank.

[889] And it was just that was my experience pretty much the whole time.

[890] You know, I could manage my life enough.

[891] Like, I've held down jobs.

[892] I've been able to function, but it got to a point.

[893] Well, this is where the overachieving can also be a curse.

[894] Like, I was a full -blown addict and alcoholic and still going to UCLA and getting really good grades.

[895] I'd have an impossible level of productivity for three days a week to make up for the shame I had acquired the other four days.

[896] Yeah, like, I did great in college.

[897] I have always excelled at my job, but I had this, like, feeling, especially with the blackouts.

[898] and being told by people.

[899] Oh, there's nothing worse.

[900] Yeah, when you wake up and you're like, huh, what am I going to hear about?

[901] Yeah, I kind of want to ask because it's driving me crazy thinking I did something.

[902] And I don't know, but I'm also like, I don't want to fucking ask.

[903] I'm not going to bring that up unless they bring it up.

[904] So it was just really not good.

[905] Oh, yeah, waking up in the morning.

[906] That's what happens is you trade when you get sober, you trade the night time for the morning time.

[907] And to be able to wake up without a single doubt that you didn't do anything in saying that you Don't own any one of apology.

[908] To have trust in myself again.

[909] That peace of mind has been so huge.

[910] Well, this has been an absolute pleasure.

[911] Yes, thanks for chatting.

[912] Yeah, I'm glad you weren't in the woods for a weekend.

[913] That could have happened.

[914] Yeah, God.

[915] Didn't break your ankle.

[916] You weren't stuck out there.

[917] It could have been so much worse.

[918] It's definitely one of those moments that I look back on and be like, you're really fucking lucky.

[919] Like, that could have gone so bad for you.

[920] And your friends, too.

[921] Oh, man. My mom always says drunks have the best guardian angels.

[922] For real.

[923] Well, Erica, so nice meeting you, and thank you for telling us that story.

[924] Yes.

[925] And congratulations on over a year of sobriety.

[926] That's so wonderful.

[927] Thank you.

[928] I'm really proud.

[929] I talk about it quite a bit with my people in my circle, but I haven't shared it super publicly.

[930] So this is kind of like a cool moment to just own it.

[931] Yeah.

[932] So thank you for that opportunity.

[933] Oh, thank you.

[934] Be well.

[935] All right, take care.

[936] Bye.

[937] Well, I'm glad we didn't interview anyone that died.

[938] I know.

[939] Have you ever woken up anywhere that you didn't?

[940] No. No, never.

[941] You've had some blackouts, though, right?

[942] I've never blacked out.

[943] Really?

[944] Wow, that's impressive.

[945] I don't think it's impressive.

[946] I think it's just my, like, disposition.

[947] I've never had time out where I don't remember.

[948] I've had to pass out.

[949] Well, you definitely metabolize alcohol quickly because you're a good drinker.

[950] Some people have a drink and they're fucked, and you can have many drinks and be pretty normal.

[951] I'll witness it.

[952] You have a good disposition for it.

[953] Yeah, but I mean, that's also tolerance, I guess.

[954] If you're someone who gets hammered off of one, you're blacking out after three drinks.

[955] I could drink a fifth of jack and still have all my memories.

[956] Beyond the fifth of jack, we're probably getting into some questionable hours.

[957] Yeah, some dark time.

[958] Scary.

[959] All right, I love you.

[960] Love you.

[961] Do you want to sing a tune or something?

[962] We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go.

[963] go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchair he's book and some suggestions on the fly a rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about your by completing a short survey at Wondry .com slash survey.