Rory Scovel

[0] Hi, my name is Rory Scoville, and I feel grateful about being Conan O 'Brien's best friend.

[1] Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[2] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[3] Hi, Conan O 'Brien here.

[4] Welcome to another episode of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, the podcast slash scam, where I get people I really like from afar to talk to me, and I force them to be my good friend.

[5] I'm here, and Sona, you're on your phone.

[6] Why are you on your phone?

[7] Is everything okay?

[8] Everything's fine.

[9] I'm checking Instagram.

[10] Why were you, seriously, we're taping the beginning of the podcast.

[11] You are getting paid.

[12] You do get paid, don't you?

[13] I think so.

[14] I hope not.

[15] Oh.

[16] No, seriously, you do?

[17] You seriously checking Instagram?

[18] Yeah, I just...

[19] So that's how much you regard what we do here?

[20] No. No, but hold on.

[21] Hold on.

[22] Oh, excuse me. Garlie's on his phone as well.

[23] Yeah.

[24] Excuse me. Seriously, why are you guys on your phone?

[25] Well, it takes you a while to get into it.

[26] It's always like, hey, guys, it's Conan, and I like doing this.

[27] That's a part that is as vital as any other part.

[28] I know, but I know how it goes, so I just am like, okay, I should just check No, no, no, no, no. Up front is sacred.

[29] That is like a prayer.

[30] It is as, that is as, that is as precious as a prayer.

[31] It is us holding hands and saying a prayer together.

[32] It's us holding hands and me saying, welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[33] And you're checking Instagram.

[34] Yes.

[35] And Gorley over here is trying to buy, you know, Best Truman's upper dental plate.

[36] I got it.

[37] On Etsy.

[38] I got it.

[39] You got it.

[40] You got it.

[41] Seriously, I want there to be a new commitment to the podcast because I feel you guys are taking it for granted.

[42] I never do.

[43] Hold on.

[44] I'm texting, Goreley.

[45] We're texting each other.

[46] Okay.

[47] I get it.

[48] Okay.

[49] That's funny.

[50] We're doing the thing.

[51] He said let's get out of here.

[52] That's great.

[53] Everyone has her a little fun time.

[54] You're just sad.

[55] You're not included.

[56] No, I'm not sad I'm not included.

[57] I'm deadly serious about this podcast.

[58] It's become...

[59] I'm saying this as a man with two children and a wife.

[60] I think I care about this podcast more than anything else on Earth.

[61] Oh, you do?

[62] Yeah.

[63] Okay.

[64] I think it nourishes me more and I have more long -lasting love for this podcast than for anyone I'm related to.

[65] Sona, you want to come over here?

[66] Yeah, can I leave now and go to Matt's house?

[67] You don't know where Matt's house is.

[68] Yes, I do.

[69] Yeah, Matt lives in that little village where Edward Scissorhands lives.

[70] Each house is painted a different bright primary color.

[71] He pulls in at the same time everyone else pulls in.

[72] They all wave to each other, they go inside.

[73] Now, you were wary whenever Edward Scissor's hands moved in when your wife brought him in, but eventually he became, he started doing stuff with the bushes, and he became like a real part of your life.

[74] Oh, yeah, we really love him now.

[75] He's a fixture in the neighborhood.

[76] Well, you'll end up chasing him up to a castle.

[77] Gives good haircuts.

[78] Listen, we got off on the wrong foot today.

[79] I think you owe both of us an apology.

[80] I'm sorry that both of you were texting and looking at Instagram.

[81] Well, I was opening what many people consider the milestone podcast of the 21st century.

[82] Okay.

[83] Is there a podcast magazine and I want to be on the cover?

[84] No, we should start one.

[85] What if we started a podcast magazine and just put me on the cover and did one issue?

[86] It's like Oprah Magazine.

[87] Yeah, Oprah Magazine.

[88] It's called Podcast Magazine.

[89] And I'm on the front and it's and the things just says, Conan, he's the podcastiest.

[90] We do one issue and then we get that framed.

[91] I love it.

[92] He's the podcastiest of them all.

[93] We can just take you to like Sears and you could do a photo shoot and we could Photoshop it.

[94] I'd like it to be a, I'd want it to be a magazine that.

[95] It's distributed to at least 15 people.

[96] You want to hire a staff for one issue and then close the magazine?

[97] Yes.

[98] Okay.

[99] Then it's a trivia question.

[100] Name the only person to ever grace the cover of podcast magazine.

[101] I know, I know, Conan O 'Brien.

[102] Anyway, that's something we could do.

[103] Well, we'll get our people on it.

[104] We don't have any people.

[105] Well, we don't have any magazines.

[106] We have no people.

[107] Yeah.

[108] This is it.

[109] This is it.

[110] It's the three of us.

[111] I'll textona about it.

[112] It's like we're three people in a lifeboat.

[113] And I said, do we have any water?

[114] and you said, I'll check with the rest of the crew.

[115] And it's just the three of us.

[116] And then you pan out and you see we're a tiny dot on the ocean.

[117] I'll check with the rest of the crew.

[118] And then you pan way out.

[119] And you know we're all going to die.

[120] And Sona's just pouring fresh water over the side.

[121] Sona's washing her hair.

[122] Sona's washing her thick, beautiful Armenian hair with the only fresh water we have.

[123] You have incredible hair, son.

[124] I have great hair.

[125] You have great hair, and there's a lot of it.

[126] and I could see that if we were all in a lifeboat, let's say we were all, the three of us were taking a cruise and the ship went down and everyone else perished.

[127] Yes.

[128] And we were in a lifeboat and there was, let's say, 10 liters of fresh drinking water.

[129] Yes.

[130] I think within the first hour, Groyd and I would take a nap and would wake up to a splashing sound and you'd be draining the last of the water over your hair, washing it.

[131] Yes, yes, that would happen.

[132] And I, because it does take a really long time for me to wash it.

[133] It's important for me to wash it with clean water.

[134] Right.

[135] So, yeah.

[136] And then we'd be so mad.

[137] you would be like, we'd try to strike you and you would beat the shit out of both of us.

[138] And eat us.

[139] And then you'd eat us.

[140] And then a rescue ship would come instantly.

[141] And the total time in the boat, eight minutes.

[142] So we died for no reason.

[143] We never needed the water.

[144] When you said that we take a nap, for some reason, the image of you and I spooning in this little life raft came to mind.

[145] That's what we would do.

[146] I would spoon with you.

[147] Oh, thanks.

[148] You know what I would do?

[149] I would drag your body slightly over mine to shield me from the sun.

[150] Oh, God.

[151] Is it like a blanket?

[152] Corley, the first time I met you, I thought, that's a human sun shield, if I've ever I've seen one.

[153] First time I met you, I went, there's a human son victim, so that makes sense.

[154] Oh, okay.

[155] That's really funny to make fun of a terrible condition I've lived with all my life.

[156] Oh, come on.

[157] Called my Irish heritage.

[158] I love that in the eight minutes, we're on the boat.

[159] You nap immediately when we get on the boat?

[160] Look at the story now.

[161] The big boat sinks.

[162] I said everyone else perishes.

[163] Well, clearly, if the whole time we're in the water is eight minutes, we're not.

[164] even trying to help anybody else.

[165] We're just tired.

[166] And then, yeah, we're just, we just immediately, I spoon with Gourley, pulling his limp, smaller body over mine to shield me from the sun.

[167] And Sona takes the only fresh drinking water, washes her hair, we wake up, we, we, where the two of us are angry that you did that, we rush you, you beat the crap out of us, rendering us unconscious, and then eat our bodies, and then the rescue ship shows up.

[168] Yeah.

[169] In eight minutes.

[170] Eight minutes, total.

[171] You have a voracious appetite for human blood.

[172] Yeah, wow.

[173] We're all terrible people.

[174] Yeah, and then the camera pans over to a seago, and the seagull looks into camera and goes, What?

[175] What a world.

[176] All right, everybody, let's get down to brass tacks.

[177] That's a phrase I've never understood.

[178] Gourley, do you understand what that means, brass tacks?

[179] Yeah, it's a furniture, upholstery term.

[180] Like, let's take off the upholstery and get down to the brass tacks.

[181] I can't believe you knew that.

[182] Of course.

[183] That's unbelievable.

[184] That's great.

[185] Well, guess what?

[186] I'm glad that you knew that.

[187] That's cool.

[188] Let's get down to the non -apulstery layer of the...

[189] Yeah, that flows.

[190] Oh, my God, that was awful.

[191] I think there was an air bubble in my brain.

[192] It was so bad.

[193] That was terrible.

[194] We got to get started, though.

[195] This gentleman's very funny.

[196] My guest today is an absolutely hilarious comedian.

[197] He joined me on tour in 2018.

[198] He also wrote and started in the Comedy Central series Robbie and now host a new podcast for Team Coco titled Dads the Podcast, a very funny and also heartwarming show.

[199] with new episodes every Wednesday.

[200] Now, not to brag, but I was the very first guest, and that's a huge deal to almost nobody.

[201] But anyway, you don't want to miss it.

[202] I really enjoy this guy.

[203] Very excited.

[204] He's here.

[205] Roy Scoville.

[206] Welcome.

[207] I got to know you very well.

[208] You'd done some brilliant stand -up on my show and really inspired and silly avant -garde stand -up on my show that I love.

[209] and I look at those tapes all the time.

[210] I just like to watch my old tapes, and then occasionally you're in them.

[211] Anyway, but then I went on a stand -up tour with you, and we traveled sections of the country where I'm allowed to go.

[212] Yes.

[213] Where there's no court preventing it.

[214] And you are an insanely funny man. And 24 -7, I mean, it doesn't stop.

[215] You are funny all the time.

[216] And so that's why I thought, I got to talk to this Rory Cat, because if I can capture some of that lightning in a bottle that I saw out there, maybe people would start to believe me that Rory Scoville is very funny.

[217] I want them to believe that.

[218] I appreciate you saying that.

[219] I feel like you'll probably be able to relate to this, just the fact that we're comedians, that any time someone compliments me, I think it's a trap.

[220] Yes.

[221] You know what I'm always waiting for?

[222] I wouldn't say I think it's a trap, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[223] Have you ever had someone ask you what they know you from, but you kind of think they do know, but they feel like if they kind of do that, like what do I know you from?

[224] They feel like they take you down a peg, despite the fact you don't care that they do or don't know you.

[225] A fun comeback is, well, you go first.

[226] I don't know you either.

[227] What do you do?

[228] That's a good one.

[229] I don't know you either.

[230] I'm a lawyer.

[231] Dwayne Reed checkout person.

[232] I don't know you either.

[233] Well, I guess I'm a real estate agent.

[234] Oh, okay.

[235] Wait, never mind.

[236] I do know you.

[237] Rory, I'd love to bond with you on this I don't know you thing, but I can't.

[238] I can't.

[239] I can't go anywhere in the world and not be known.

[240] I mean, literally, I've tried as a game to go to the deepest, darkest jungles in the most remote section.

[241] of the world.

[242] And, you know, exotic frogs are like, oh, my God, yeah, you took over for Letterman, and then, you know, and then you used to work on the Simpsons.

[243] I mean, I'm sorry, that's the level I'm at.

[244] He needs to work on the Simpsons.

[245] These are frogs that many people thought had gone extinct.

[246] Do you, I want to know, is, you must, you obviously are very recognizable, very famous.

[247] Do you hate that?

[248] Do you hate being famous?

[249] No. No. No. Oh, Sona, why you chime in?

[250] Chime in, Sona.

[251] Shime in.

[252] Well, you know at the exact same time.

[253] I'm sorry.

[254] You guys did say no at the exact same time.

[255] Well, Sona, what's your perspective?

[256] I think you love, I'm going to be honest, and I'm actually going to say something nice, you love your fans and you love interacting with them outside.

[257] And I think you really enjoy it when people come up to you and know who you are.

[258] And shower you with compliment.

[259] I'm not one of those people.

[260] It's so funny to me because there are people that got into this business and they've had success and they seem irritated.

[261] That why are people coming up to me?

[262] And I always thought, well, what's wrong with that?

[263] I am a people person.

[264] I like a phrase I just invented, I think.

[265] I've never heard it.

[266] If someone recognizes me and says hello and I like to try and make them laugh.

[267] Sometimes if I'm not getting, if I don't think I give them a material, I'll work on it a little bit.

[268] I'll stay there and keep working.

[269] And I can see them looking around like, I got to go.

[270] Conan, I'd love to chat.

[271] And believe me, it's bizarre I ran into you.

[272] But I just remembered.

[273] They can't even improvise an excuse.

[274] I just remember.

[275] something.

[276] I left an enchilada in a microwave in college and I should go get it.

[277] I will say you're so good at not stopping when you don't want to and they still feel like they got some of the Conan magic just in you.

[278] I watched you in the casino in Atlantic City.

[279] People just would yell that definitely wanted you to stop to take a picture not that they said it they would just say Conan and you were just like yep and you just kept going and I could still see them smiling never did I see anyone be like well screw you if you don't want to talk to me no I give a very cheerful because there are some places where if you stop in a casino and are you drinking out of a jar?

[280] What was that?

[281] Yes my wife bought all these jars to jar stuff that she doesn't make I think she I think she had a dream and it just that dream became water like they all do I know that you are a southern gentleman you are from South Carolina that is correct Greenville if I remember correctly he said reading off a sheet in front of him no I know that you're from the south but I really do feel like you're pushing it with your whole jar you just were like I'm just going to take a little sip of my sweet tee oh is that iced tea No, sir.

[282] No, I'm just drinking grits straight out of a jar dipping my biscuit in these jar grits and having my lunch.

[283] This is what I have for lunch.

[284] You, you know, one of the things I've seen you, because I toured with you, I saw you perform so many times and always just a joy to watch because you might be one of the bravest people I've seen do comedy.

[285] That is not a compliment, I think.

[286] No, I'm kidding.

[287] It is a compliment.

[288] You screw up a lot with your risks.

[289] You really have no business being out there.

[290] But you keep going out there and being showered with acidic disapproval.

[291] But there you go.

[292] Can I tell you something that I have wanted to ask you this.

[293] When we performed in Detroit, I don't know if you remember this, it was at the Fillmore in Detroit.

[294] And I could not help but say something about the Flint drinking water in a defensive way of saying it's insane that they're still not adequate drinking water.

[295] Right, right.

[296] You were sticking up.

[297] Yeah, you were.

[298] Yeah, knowing it would get some people booing, which is bizarre that anyone would not who, what human is not on the same page about people having access to water.

[299] But they, then I said something about capernick and other players kneeling during the National Anthem, knowing it was going to stir the pot a little bit.

[300] And I remember leaving the stage.

[301] And I couldn't really tell how that show.

[302] went, and I went outside with Marina Franklin, also very funny comedian on the tour with us.

[303] I remember asking her, do you think Conan's going to be mad at me for the material?

[304] Well, because the show, it didn't go so, like, I think I did okay, but I was like, oh, this isn't really my show.

[305] I should kind of keep the show funny, but because I brought, I just couldn't help myself.

[306] Once half the crowd doesn't agree with me with something that I think is very easy, for everyone to agree with.

[307] I then have to push it.

[308] I have to push anyone further away who I think is not on board.

[309] I have to push them away and I have to let all the people who know who agree with me that it's an invitation for them to get even closer.

[310] And because I did that at the film more in front of more people than I've ever performed in front of that was a massive theater.

[311] I then I went outside and I think however the show was finishing up, I was just like, should I?

[312] I said it to Marine, I was like, should I not have done that?

[313] Should I have just done some jokes and gotten off the stage and out of the way?

[314] Well, I love a couple things.

[315] I love that you thought, will Conan be mad at me?

[316] Because I never think of my, on that tour I did not think of the, that I was the boss.

[317] You know what I mean?

[318] I'm not the like, well, Lucille, you come into my office.

[319] You're in big trouble with your Flint reference.

[320] I think it comes from a place of knowing.

[321] that it's not my tour.

[322] It's not my...

[323] You know, when your name is on the ticket, you feel you don't get that way.

[324] But, you know, sometimes if I'm the emcee of a show or if I'm the feature of a show, I feel very, like, timid about turning the audience, even though I really want to turn some of them.

[325] Oh, my God.

[326] Well, I, you were, as I said, you were fearless throughout the tour.

[327] You used to do this bit sometimes.

[328] which is where we wouldn't know which way you would go every night.

[329] And it was really fun for all of us to be backstage.

[330] And we'd wonder, what Rory are we going to get tonight?

[331] Because sometimes you'd work clean and sometimes you'd work less clean.

[332] I wonder that too.

[333] So we were, I'll remember this.

[334] We were at the Beacon Theater in New York.

[335] And it was a big show.

[336] And I, for complete.

[337] I completely forgot about this.

[338] But my old writing partner had, from years and years ago, had his parents come to the show.

[339] They, I forgot.

[340] And these are older people, very healthy, handsome, you know, energetic couple.

[341] But they're in their golden years.

[342] And they came.

[343] They, I think they brought a guest.

[344] And I just completely forgot that.

[345] And this was a random night.

[346] And we were all in our best behavior, because it's the Beacon Theater and it's New York, and all these New York media people were in the audience.

[347] So all of us go out and do our stuff, and then we're wondering, what Rory will we get tonight?

[348] And you went out, and you started talking about how you saw a documentary, and did you know this, folks?

[349] Orca, was it Orca?

[350] What's the name of the whale?

[351] Tilakum.

[352] Tilakum.

[353] You start talking about the blackfish documentary and the whale, Tilakum, and then you start saying, there's one part, and they feel bad for the whale, but then there's one part where there's someone whose job it is to masturbate the whale.

[354] And then you start doing this long, crazy jazz -like riff about what it's like for those people who do that for a living and how does the whale feel about it and what do they do when they explain to somebody who's come to take care of the whale that their first job is going to be them masturbating a giant killer whale and then you get to the point where you acted out and there are you acted out like you're the you know sleepy and dock and the from the snow white whistle whistle while you work and you start whistling while you work while you're carrying buckets filled with whale jism that are sloppering all over the place and you do this little skippy dance and the buckets are sloshing and we're backstage crying crying, crying, crying.

[355] Show's over.

[356] And the beacon, I'm way up on the top floor and you've got to climb those stairs and I completely forgot when Sona says oh, Conan, your guests are here and I'm thinking because you're in a different city each night And I'm like, guess what?

[357] And I go, oh.

[358] And just then I see my old writing partner's parents who are this very distinguished -looking older people with impeccable east side of New York taste.

[359] And they've brought with them someone who looks like T .S. Eliot.

[360] He's like wearing a three -piece suit and horn rimmed glasses.

[361] And I think he's probably an esteemed paleontologist.

[362] And the three of them look.

[363] look like the three of them look like they just crawled out of the rubble of a building that blew up on top of them and they were just and I kept I started to say oh well I hope the show wasn't chin they were very no no no no no no no very nice show oh what a nice show always lovely always lovely we've got to get out of here and I realized that you had you had you had you You went on with that whale jizz routine, which has really become a staple of your act.

[364] It's the whole, it's my hotel California.

[365] You know, I've actually seen you do stadium shows where you come out and you come out for the encore and you go, you know, there's this documentary called Blackfish and the crowd goes, ah, here we go!

[366] And they start going, come, come, come, come.

[367] The crowd is like, oh, my God.

[368] God, the bit he opened the show with is also his on -for.

[369] That's how good it is.

[370] You're the only comic I know who does the bit twice.

[371] At the beginning of the show.

[372] And then after I finish it, I go, any requests, and people like, do it, just do that one again.

[373] Do it again.

[374] Buckets and whale come.

[375] Yeah.

[376] Yeah.

[377] Oh.

[378] Okay, take it easy, son.

[379] I'm sorry.

[380] Take it easy.

[381] I will say when a crowd is not enjoying that bit, and I know all you listeners right now are like, what are you talking about?

[382] It sounds like a golden gem.

[383] But when there's a crowd that doesn't like it, I do it so much longer.

[384] Yes, I know.

[385] Oh, I know.

[386] I know.

[387] I know.

[388] I think I hate myself.

[389] I don't know why I do that to myself.

[390] I'm like, you don't like it?

[391] Well, guess what?

[392] Now it's the only thing we're doing it all the whole time.

[393] I have to say, I understand exactly why you do it because I know that.

[394] all someone has to do to me is say, I don't really love this riff you're doing, or I don't really love, or maybe we've heard enough of that.

[395] Right.

[396] Oh, fuck it.

[397] Then, I mean, it's in my house even.

[398] If anyone goes, okay, I think we've had enough, or if Sona, right?

[399] Oh, my God.

[400] If you say, I think I've had enough of that, yeah.

[401] I'm, that is, to me, a sign from God that has to go on forever.

[402] It's a challenge.

[403] Yeah.

[404] If I, I mean, if my wife is, like, can you stop doing it?

[405] My goal is then, Well, how long will it take me to get you to laugh at it?

[406] Like, how can I turn you?

[407] Is there anything I can do to turn you to think that this thing is funny?

[408] Even though I agree with her most of the time, that it is wildly annoying.

[409] No, it's...

[410] We're not doing great.

[411] We're having a tough time.

[412] No, no. Trust me, I am very well aware that papers have been filed.

[413] We are looking into it.

[414] Just exploring what it costs to get divorced.

[415] our options moving forward.

[416] You are, I will compliment you again, you are funny in a way that's very unique to you.

[417] There are people I meet sometimes in comedy who I think were naturally funny, but then they learned watching others how to be funny.

[418] And you, Rory, are someone who's just, you are funny in a way that I think you were probably, you were probably this guy, some version of this guy maybe less confident but when you were eight like this was this was who you are this is who you are all the time Roy watching you I think you've learned nothing you've learned nothing other people have learned how to be funny you've learned nothing and you know nothing of comedy I was definitely a class clown the whole time and I used to be when I would get labeled the class clown by my dad who would be very upset sat like like hi what do you go like my grades were always bad so you're like what do you just you've just been there being the class clown i used to be like ah i don't want to be a clown but now that i've turned it into a career that pays you know for houses and things i i know i'm like well you know clowns pretty good i think i turned it into something great but yeah at eight years old my my whole life people have told me they're like i bet if you were just in a room with nothing but a pencil you'd still talk to yourself and be just fine.

[419] And that's not entirely untrue.

[420] Right.

[421] I would be.

[422] I would be all right.

[423] I mean, I'm in the same way.

[424] I don't know what it.

[425] I know that I could force myself to do something else in life, maybe something that's more beneficial to humankind.

[426] Yeah, I guess as I got older, I realized like, oh, I don't have to just do it for attention.

[427] It's actually something that is there that I can't turn off anyways.

[428] it's not even something to turn on.

[429] You know what I mean?

[430] Like even when there's a show to go on stage for stand -up, I think that's what I like about stand -up.

[431] If people like my stand -up, if there are people sitting there going, man, this wail -come bit is great.

[432] Like when people truly find that funny, it feels so great because it's really something that I think is funny.

[433] It's not at all something I wrote because I knew that equation would work.

[434] Like, oh, I know that this setup, and this will be a surprise.

[435] punchline.

[436] It's truly something that, to me, feels like the absurdity of an observation that I've made.

[437] And I think I kind of like the idea that this thing I think is funny is so absurd.

[438] The challenges, can I sell it?

[439] Can I actually make other people see why this thing is funny?

[440] And when you say like taking risks and stuff, I think that comes from me just wondering, what is the thing that is so bizarre that I think I can maybe sell.

[441] I used to do a bit.

[442] I used to do a bit that I feel like I should bring back.

[443] You know, this pandemic's going to just make me start all my career completely over.

[444] But I used to do a bit where I said, this is an impression of an elderly woman looking for her dog and the dog's name is spicy.

[445] And I would, just for extended periods of time, just go, Spicy!

[446] Spicy!

[447] And I would walk around the stage convinced that this is a bit.

[448] Other people would be like, that's not a joke.

[449] And I'd be like, but I think it is a joke.

[450] I saw you announce before him that you were going to do a complete hour improvised of stand -up, just with no ideas.

[451] And I was talking to you up until the second you went on stage, and you had no concern at all.

[452] And it was a pretty good -sized room in San Diego.

[453] This was last summer during Comic -Con.

[454] And you went up, and it was so much fun to watch you get into trouble or back yourself into a corner and then get out.

[455] And then at one point, you just, it's a wireless mic.

[456] So you just walk through the club, and then you see a door.

[457] And you just said, huh, I wonder where this goes.

[458] And you left the club.

[459] And the wireless, I didn't even know if you knew we could, but we could hear you walking down an alley.

[460] And then you found a guy.

[461] A limo driver.

[462] You found a guy and you brought him back in and you weave back in through the club.

[463] And we've heard you the whole time, you enticing the guy saying, can I talk to you?

[464] I'm doing a show.

[465] Would you come in?

[466] What's your name?

[467] Tony?

[468] Tony, is it okay if you, and you bring him in and then you bring him up into the, you bring him up into the club?

[469] and you start talking to him.

[470] And it turns out that he is a limo driver.

[471] And then you say, well, what are you doing?

[472] He said, well, I drove these people to this club.

[473] And then you find the people in the audience that he drove and you get him to talk about what they were talking about on the way there.

[474] And the whole thing was this, I don't know, it was really magical.

[475] And to me, sort of the essence of what a show like that should be.

[476] I was, again, you were taking foolish risks, risks that could have gotten us all killed, frankly.

[477] Some people were killed that night.

[478] Six people were killed that night.

[479] In unrelated crimes, but you were someone blamed.

[480] There's something about you where there are moments where you don't have fear when I think you should.

[481] It's like you and evil can evil.

[482] You just managed to pick something that doesn't shatter your pelvis.

[483] Yeah.

[484] I will say I fail a lot of times, but I think what stand -up mostly is is that getting really good at failing.

[485] I think to get really good at, and there's kind of no way to avoid it, but I think when you get into comedy, the sooner you learn to not care if the audience likes you or not is going to lead to more fun.

[486] It's going to lead to a better career and more fun on stage.

[487] And I think I've failed so many times trying these absurd, stupid things that now I'm not so afraid to fail.

[488] You still feel bad when you don't give a crowd a good show just because it, you know, as we all know, there's a lot that goes into going and being in the audience of something, whatever it is.

[489] And so you want your time to have been well, been well spent.

[490] And I think I've just, I've just fucked up so many times that now when I'm backed into a corner, I'm like, I think my brain just goes, well, this wasn't as bad as that time in Maryland.

[491] Keep going.

[492] And so I just keep going.

[493] I'm like, you're right.

[494] That crap shit.

[495] What happened in Maryland?

[496] I had a horrible ship.

[497] Me and a comedian, Justin Schlegel, went out and did a show in the middle of nowhere at a seafood restaurant in Maryland, and it was packed.

[498] And I think they paid us with like snow crab or something.

[499] I don't think we actually made any money and he and i were both supposed to do 45 minutes and 10 i went up first and 10 minutes into my set they hated me they truly hated me but if if there's one thing i can say i will always do my time so despite the fact they hated me i did the whole 45 minutes i brought him up and as he's going up he looks at me like oh my god i'm so scared like they hate the show they immediately love him instantly and so we're very relieved i still go and set the car so that we can pull out of the parking lot very quickly in case they turn on him also uh but yeah that that was maybe one of the worst times i've ever bombed if you don't show any sign that you think the show is bad they think it's their it's like in their head they're like well why does he like it if we all hate it yeah i i used to one of my outs that I love.

[500] I have all these outs I've compiled over the years from my failing moments and shows.

[501] But one of them is if the show isn't going well, I tell the crowd, I'll be like, you know what, let's take a break for a second.

[502] You guys don't like the show.

[503] Here's the thing you're not, you're missing.

[504] I also don't like the show.

[505] So the thing is, we are on the same page.

[506] We do like the same stuff because we all hate it right now.

[507] And then I'll be like, all right, look, you know, it's, there's a fun element of them being like, all right, fine, I'll do my smarter stuff.

[508] Obviously, you guys are, I'm a, I'm a jerk, I misread the room, you guys are way smarter than this.

[509] Here's some smart jokes.

[510] And then if they don't start laughing, then you've now switched it to where you're like, I guess you, I guess it's because you guys are dumb.

[511] And now you, and now there's enough people in the crowd that will enjoy the fact that you are now mocking the crowd for not liking your bad show you know I know it's their fault I figured it out you guys just aren't smart enough yeah I saw you every now and then someone will get up and leave the show and quite possibly just because they want to use the bathroom or sometimes maybe because they really they can't stand the show or you're rubbing them the wrong way but you will say, excuse me, ma 'am, ma 'am.

[512] Man, what is it?

[513] What is it, ma 'am, is it that?

[514] You know, and you've had, I've seen that just, there's just electricity in the air because I don't know, is this woman going to turn around or this man going to turn around and say, no, I don't like the show, or no, I'm just going to use the bathroom.

[515] But then you'll engage them on what they need to do in the bathroom, and you're like, oh my God.

[516] Yeah, this is horrifying slash delicious.

[517] Anytime someone will let you know that they don't like the show, there are people that tell you that because they want it to, they want it to bother you.

[518] They want it to hurt you and hurt your feelings.

[519] But I think sometimes they don't understand that as long as you're putting wood on the fire, the fire keeps going.

[520] It doesn't matter what type of wood it is.

[521] So if someone is like, actually, I hate the show and you're not funny.

[522] It's like, well, now you've given me five to ten more minutes.

[523] just from that beautiful offer of knowing that you don't like it and you're leaving.

[524] Also, when they're leaving, it's like, well, once you're gone, I'm obviously going to talk about this for a long time.

[525] There was one show I did a fight broke out in the audience, and I mean a full -on fight to where the show stopped, people were screaming, the whole audience turned, watched four guys who looked like they played professional football.

[526] were that big, get into a fight that slowly, almost like The Simpsons, it somehow just moved from the crowd, like a rolling tumbleweed out into the lobby and disappeared.

[527] And everyone just sat back down.

[528] And I'll never forget this woman right as I picked the microphone up, she goes, good luck following that.

[529] And I just immediately, I was like, what do you mean?

[530] Good luck.

[531] I was like, we all have the same questions and we're about to explore them together right.

[532] now we all have so many questions those little gifts I know what you're talking about that show in New York that woman when she got up and left I think you said you knew her too didn't you?

[533] Well it turns out I know a lot of people that's the secret.

[534] Everyone I taunt Conan has a personal connection to that was my father you were like what's with you old timer?

[535] I've also really liked it when back in the days early Letterman when, if Steve Martin went on Letterman's late night show, he would have thought out this conceptual piece that he would do, or if he went on Carson, he would have thought out a conceptual piece.

[536] And you've done things like that, because I think so few people do that anymore.

[537] And I remember it was, I think, you and John Doore, remember when you guys worked out this bit where, and I was in on it, but I basically say, well, this is a little awkward.

[538] we booked two comics we made a mistake they're supposed to be on different nights but they both showed up tonight on the same night and we think our booker made a mistake and they but basically that they've agreed to both do their stand -up together yes right and it was you guys doing doing different stand -up acts at the same time standing next to each other you know I had people you sold that introduction so well and made it seem like it truly was an accident and the show felt so bad in your delivery of bringing us out.

[539] Because it's important that people think it's real.

[540] So much so that people, there are people who couldn't realize Conan's intro is the setup.

[541] The punchline is the absurdity of the thing that he then brings out onto the stage.

[542] I had people go, they were like, hey, that's kind of messed up.

[543] I mean, that's like a professional show, double booking you guys.

[544] And you're just staring at those people.

[545] You're like, what are you talking about?

[546] Because it was both of you, you weren't doing anything in tandem.

[547] You were both standing there with your microphones doing a completely different stand -up act and not acknowledging the other person, which is insane.

[548] You couldn't make head or tail out of it.

[549] It reminds me of the time, Mr. Danny McBride, I think one of the first things he did, he did this movie that sort of brought him to fame.

[550] called, was it Footfist Way?

[551] Yeah.

[552] And is he from South Carolina or North Carolina?

[553] I think he's...

[554] I think he's...

[555] No one knew who he was.

[556] This is before he became a big deal.

[557] And he, to promote it, he was going to come on sort of as that character and bringing these kids out in, you know, sort of karate uniforms and then have some of the kids, real kids, it that well and have him lose his temper and so we committed to it 100 % and I said he's here and he's got a movie foot fistway and no one knew he was a community.

[558] People didn't know him yet and he came out and I've talked with him about it since but he came out and he really committed to being Danny McBride or whoever the character's name is and he's there and he's with these kids and they can't do it and he starts to be kind of losing his patience and yelling at him and then he goes to do it and he can't do it He can't break the board.

[559] And then the kids, he starts yelling at the kids and some of the kids cry and run away.

[560] And the whole thing falls apart.

[561] And I committed to looking really upset and walking out and saying, okay, well, that was, we committed all the way.

[562] And when it was over, the band starts to play.

[563] And these young people in the audience were like, fuck, Conant, what the fuck just happened?

[564] Oh, fuck, that was so bad.

[565] and I didn't want to tell them the whole thing's a joke so I just went I know it's really bad I don't know what to do then we had people saying we saw the show that was messed up who how could you let that guy on the air and Danny said he heard from people like you how dare you yell at those kids of course the kids are all actors they're all in on it but as soon as he can't break the board you're like well that should be the attention release like oh okay it's clearly a bit he couldn't bring the board either I love that people are like no this is real and these are bad people Conan allowed this to happen because he's bad too he's also a bad person yeah we did a bit who's the famous famous gymnast and she was America's sweetheart Mary Lou Retton Mary Lou Retton we had Mary Lou Retton I say that because I have several posters I can see them I was a diehard Mary Lou Redden fan.

[566] Is that like super patriotic or incredibly creepy?

[567] You be the judge.

[568] I vote creepy and patriotic.

[569] Well, we did a bit where I had to, it just called for me to completely lose it on her and I committed to it and I just was totally screaming at her as part of this thing that she's in on.

[570] So then I think, Shortly afterwards, I'm a guest on Howard Stern, and people were calling in.

[571] They were like, when you, the way you talk to Mary Lou, Redden, I just, what she did for this country.

[572] Yeah, people, this people were calling in and they wanted to kill me. She did the most somersaults of anyone in the 80s.

[573] And you, I wish I could have given an exact Olympic date, but I haven't.

[574] done my research on this bit.

[575] Didn't you do a bit where you did you do the bit where you're someone's doing stand -up and someone heckles you?

[576] Oh, you think you can do better than me?

[577] That was when John and I came back on the second time.

[578] He did stand -up and really sold it for like two and a half three minutes until I, I played.

[579] You're in the audience.

[580] I played an usher and I was trying to reseat someone and he said, sorry, can we cut, like, what is going on over there?

[581] And I was like, oh, she's just in the wrong seat.

[582] And he's like, well, can you do it later?

[583] And I'm like, it's kind of a tough job.

[584] I'm trying to do this.

[585] And then he's like, it's actually not that tough a job.

[586] And I was like, well, what you do isn't that tough a job.

[587] So then we switch.

[588] You switch jobs.

[589] You go down to do the standup.

[590] He goes up to be an usher.

[591] And this is all like, I swear to God, it was played so real that people watch, people in the audience think, what is going up?

[592] Why would they allow this?

[593] Why did they allow this?

[594] But you switch, and then you start doing stand -up.

[595] He starts being an usher.

[596] And then I forget there's some twist where I get involved.

[597] Well, then you say something where you're like, you guys, can you guys stop?

[598] You can't just do this.

[599] We've booked John.

[600] You're an usher.

[601] You can't just switch.

[602] And we're like, oh, Conan, just sit at your desk.

[603] And that's when you're like, you think my job is easy.

[604] And then Andy goes to do stand -up.

[605] You become the usher.

[606] John becomes you.

[607] Andy does stand -up.

[608] I become an usher.

[609] The whole thing slipped around.

[610] I just, those are, those are just really magical.

[611] I mean, it's silliness.

[612] I think one of the reasons I'm such a fan is you're a very sweet guy and you're a very intelligent man, but you are, I'm not sure you're intelligent.

[613] I just threw that in.

[614] I can sell it.

[615] I can sell it.

[616] I can make people think that.

[617] When you put classes on and hold a book.

[618] A monocle.

[619] The right side up.

[620] But I bow at the way.

[621] the altar of silliness.

[622] That's just my where I want to spend eternity after I leave this earth.

[623] I want to go to a silly place and even if it's some, and that might be hell, I don't know, but I would go there.

[624] I want to go to the silly place after I go.

[625] Right.

[626] I want to make sure I talk about your podcast because you are a very funny guy.

[627] You're also a very perceptive gentleman and you have a new podcast called Dads.

[628] That's right.

[629] And I want to make sure that we talk about this because you are You're just, first of all, you've got very soothing pipes.

[630] I like listening to you.

[631] Thank you.

[632] You really.

[633] This is my real, this is the voice I do for the podcast.

[634] When I'm a guest, I go screechy, because I don't want other podcasts to get all the numbers.

[635] I see.

[636] So when you're a guest on another podcast, you're screechy, like sort of like a Paul Lynn.

[637] Yeah, yes, exactly.

[638] And then when I do mine, it's very, hey, folks, a jazz.

[639] her just come on into the Vegas club let me I'm Sinatra over here yeah yeah yeah it's uh and you talk about and it's not it's not a podcast for uh dads necessarily because I think non -dads can enjoy it that's right so what is non -dad a term that you guys use non -dad we use non -dads we feel like we've narrowed everybody into two groups or either a dad or a non -dad um good thinking and that's you know so So we have people on and, you know, I, we talk about what it's like to be a parent, what it's like to everyone's different individual perspective of being a dad and how to be a dad or a parent in general if you're a non -dad, but also the relationships that we've had with our dads and how that's like shaped us in some way.

[640] Because I think, I think in everybody's mind, everyone's relationships are obviously very different.

[641] but I think some people think about their relationship, relationships in general with a mother.

[642] And I think everyone kind of pictures sort of like the perfect scenario of a relationship with a mother.

[643] And even though most people don't have that, they still picture that.

[644] However, I think when most people picture relationship with dads, it's almost always tattered and slightly broken, even when it's working.

[645] And everyone will be like, oh, yeah, my dad.

[646] Are you and your dad close?

[647] And people, people's response is always like, yeah, I think so.

[648] Like, you don't even know.

[649] You don't even know where you stand with your dad.

[650] Yeah, it's very complicated.

[651] Right, exactly.

[652] It's very complicated.

[653] Yeah.

[654] You know, and it's, it is interesting.

[655] Like, you think of all the great Renaissance art was always, you know, it's Mother, Mary, and baby Jesus.

[656] Like, mother and child is sort of, you know, but there's never like a, ah, there's the father and the son.

[657] I don't know.

[658] It always reminds me of Norm McDonnell's line.

[659] I think he had a line once years ago, which is, yeah, I went home for Christmas.

[660] Got a little awkward because I accidentally made eye contact with my father.

[661] I could just sort of like yep, if you ever really looked at your dad in the eye for like a period of time, I could do that with my mom if I really locked eyes with my dad.

[662] I think my skeleton would run out of my Yeah.

[663] Well, that's the painting of the father and son.

[664] It's like, note how they won't look at each other.

[665] And that's so funny because it's so strangely relatable.

[666] And yet we never step back and are like, why is that so, you know, why is that so universal, this weird?

[667] And I think it's a lot of, you know, we talked about it when you were a guest on the show.

[668] But, you know, there's a generational thing with how dads are with kids and their children.

[669] And, and, and, and, and, The thing that kicks in for, at least for my wife, the motherly maternal thing that naturally kicked in for her, from my perspective, was so beautiful to watch happen.

[670] I was like, oh my God, like I am seeing this natural just intelligence.

[671] My wife's brain lighting up with knowing how to keep a baby alive.

[672] And I'm over here truly gaining no knowledge of anything the entire time, almost to the point where, where I was, you know, I was like, do you guys even need me anymore?

[673] Are you guys good?

[674] Now that you guys are best friends, should I get out of the way?

[675] It's been made quite clear in my equation that I am not needed.

[676] That like, it's by unanimous.

[677] My wife and my son and my daughter, and whenever I come in, I am the sitcom fool.

[678] So I come in and they're just like, oh, look at old, you know, and the idiots home.

[679] And then there's a canned laugh track.

[680] And you trip on your way through the kitchen.

[681] Yes, exactly.

[682] And I say things like, well, so anybody, did you have your computer class?

[683] Computer, Dad, is that what you think it's called?

[684] Computer Glass?

[685] And everyone laughs.

[686] And then I go like, is there any more of this vegetable?

[687] And my wife is like, do you know what it's called?

[688] And everyone laughs.

[689] And she's like, is that a fruit?

[690] And they really laugh at that.

[691] Like, you probably don't even know the capital of Illinois.

[692] And you're like, I don't.

[693] I really don't.

[694] You know, now that you say it's a lot.

[695] like that, I think maybe your family's just abusive in a weird way.

[696] They're sitcom abusive.

[697] They are.

[698] They are sitcom abusive, but the ratings are through the roof.

[699] So we're going to keep it going.

[700] Yeah, don't fix it if it's not broke.

[701] Rory, I'm going to wrap this up.

[702] No, I would like this to go 30, maybe 45.

[703] I'm in quarantine, so I, however long we can go.

[704] Okay.

[705] Well, we could go another, I think, 24 hours.

[706] So that's what we should do.

[707] Have you listened to Conan's new Marathon podcast?

[708] Conan's Rory School Marathon.

[709] Tune in.

[710] Conan and Rory end up discussing well -come nine different times.

[711] They leave the subject and exhausted of all of its comedic fruits, but only to return two hours later and find more.

[712] Later on, you just listen to them watch the X -Files.

[713] They're not talking.

[714] They don't talk.

[715] There's no commentary.

[716] You just hear them watching the show.

[717] Rory, you're a good man. I appreciate that.

[718] A hilarious, hilarious man. And I get excited whenever you're around.

[719] I get happy because you make me laugh.

[720] So let's hang soon when we were allowed to.

[721] I would love to, even at a distance.

[722] I know people can't see this as obviously a podcast, but I'm in a van outside your house and have been for several weeks we didn't yeah we've had questions about this there's a very yeah it's not a good van there's a it's a not a good van I I with just spray paint I wrote cable company on the side and that's not specific enough to really sell it and you spelled it C -A -B -E -L and then company with a K and so there were questions and there's apparently no working toilet you just cut a hole in the bottom of the van and human waste trickles out the bottom yes Well, I mean, it's been two weeks If I'm still here, clearly enough people are falling for it So K -bell company is here All right, Rory, go in peace Thank you.

[723] Do good works.

[724] Thank you for having me on this show.

[725] I didn't want you on.

[726] I know.

[727] Well, I paid.

[728] I paid to be here.

[729] And so it's good that's the first guest that's paid $25 ,000 to appear on the show.

[730] The money came in seconds before we went on...

[731] Are you sure it's not?

[732] I thought for 25K that was the 90 -minute package.

[733] That's just the 60 -minute package.

[734] Okay, well, if that's...

[735] Look, I'm not...

[736] I didn't pay the extra 5 grand to argue.

[737] I didn't pay the extra 5 grand to fight you on this.

[738] Okay, Rory.

[739] Be well.

[740] Thank you.

[741] You know, I ran into someone the other day, Sona, who really liked the episode.

[742] where, because they're Armenian and they really love the episode where you and I went to your home country, Armenia.

[743] We went to Yerevan.

[744] Yes, we did.

[745] And I swear to God, I meet more people, I meet more Armenian people that are like, Ghanan, and I know to go Inchpasek.

[746] And then they go, love them.

[747] That's all I know.

[748] That's good.

[749] That's good enough.

[750] But I end up hugging them.

[751] They're just so happy about that episode, which was really a joy.

[752] That was so much fun.

[753] I bet that happens to you a lot because you've been to so many countries.

[754] now.

[755] No, it doesn't.

[756] No, other people are very angry.

[757] I mean, no, I'm kidding.

[758] No, but I mean, I think that was, they're not used to, you know, they were just very happy.

[759] And there's a very, there's a massive Armenian community here in, in Los Angeles.

[760] Right.

[761] And I cannot walk five feet without having them say, oh, we know you went to Armenia.

[762] Yeah.

[763] I was Sona and all this kind of stuff.

[764] And I tell them that you, you're gone.

[765] Oh, that was a really nice trip.

[766] That was nice.

[767] Sona, you should accompany him to Ireland and return.

[768] Yeah, I mean, you've, go back to work.

[769] I'm from.

[770] You've been to where you're from.

[771] You've done a whole episode from Ireland.

[772] Well, we did an episode from Ireland once a bunch of years ago, but I didn't really go to where my people are from.

[773] Specifically, my dad's side of the family is from this place called Dungarvin, which is southeast, Waterford, I think.

[774] And I went back there once because I wanted to go and see Dungarvin where my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather, I think.

[775] or something like that is from.

[776] And he was a bone setter that lived in Dungarv.

[777] Yeah.

[778] Yeah, it was a bone setter, I think.

[779] His job was to break your leg with a stone and then set it because there was no money in waiting for someone to break their leg.

[780] So he would do that.

[781] But anyway, no, I did once, I went back, I went back a bunch of years ago.

[782] This is not on television.

[783] This is just a real life experience.

[784] But I went back and decided to go and find the town of Dungarv.

[785] where I'm from.

[786] And everyone's like me there.

[787] Oh, Dungarvin.

[788] Oh, Dengarvin.

[789] Dengarv.

[790] You know, this is a true story.

[791] I was once driving in, I was driving in Ireland with my girlfriend at the time.

[792] So we stop and I get out of the car and someone, I asked someone, where's Dungarvan?

[793] And they said, this is Dungarvan.

[794] So you're supposed to kiss the soil.

[795] So I got down and I kissed the soil.

[796] And then someone else was like, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. This is not Dungarvan.

[797] This is, I kissed the wrong.

[798] soil and I actually had soil in my mouth and I was spitting it out you know what I mean it was and then and then it was like I kissed someone I thought was my grandmother and it wasn't my grandmother and then I had to drive for like another 40 minutes and I had the wrong soil in my mouth the wrong dirt and I was like fucking did you do an open mouth kiss with the soil I did and I gave it a little tongue yeah you frenched it yeah yeah also here's another thing it happened to me in Ireland I was rented a car on the western part of Ireland, and my girlfriend and I were driving across Ireland, and we went into this, you know, these magical places.

[799] Like, you can be driving along and you can just find this magical little, like you go through like a little forest.

[800] And there was a single, there was a little tiny house, a very small house with one single gas pump in front of it.

[801] And I pulled up to it because I needed gasoline and this lovely old woman came out.

[802] And she was like, oh, and how are you?

[803] Oh, and where where are you from?

[804] I said, I'm from Dengarv.

[805] Oh, you're from Dengarvan.

[806] Oh, and you've got the look.

[807] Oh, you got the map of Ireland on your face.

[808] Oh, thank you.

[809] Thank you very much.

[810] You know, I try to cream, but it won't go away.

[811] And it's, oh, no, no, he he, hi.

[812] And then she's pumping away and fills the car.

[813] And she says, oh, well, I wish you well on your travelers.

[814] I'm going to say a prayer for you tonight.

[815] And I said, really.

[816] She said, I'll say the whole rosary.

[817] And I'll wish you well.

[818] And I said, thank you.

[819] And I had, like, I had tears in my eyes.

[820] And we hugged.

[821] It was really nice.

[822] And the old lady went back in her house.

[823] And I got in my car.

[824] And I got in my car.

[825] And I. And I got in my car.

[826] And I. And I. And I. And and I drove about maybe 15 minutes, and the car just suddenly made weird noise and just ground to a halt.

[827] And she had filled my car with diesel gasoline, and it didn't take diesel.

[828] And I got out of the car, and I wanted to run back and kill it.

[829] I was waiting.

[830] I was like, and I could just see her in the middle of her rosary and her cottage going, Oh, I said to me, you're going to her father warden here for the young man and suddenly door smashes open I'm like, I'll fucking kill you.

[831] And then I just start throwing her around the room.

[832] I was way, the story was so sincere and I'm like, it cannot stay this way.

[833] Oh, and guess what?

[834] You know what happens when you fill a rental car with the wrong gas?

[835] You got to, first of all, I walked, this is Ireland too, walk up to a stranger's house in America and see how.

[836] how that goes.

[837] I walked up to a random house, like, in a field, and walked up to the door, and the woman was like, come on in, come on in.

[838] How can I help you?

[839] Would you like a cup of tea?

[840] And I'm like, no, no. My car says, oh, I'll call my husband, and he'll call, you know, Seamus and Flammis and Phlamis and Philemmas.

[841] And so they came, and they took my car, and they literally have to, like, put it up.

[842] They have to drain the car completely, and it was a rental car.

[843] They had to drain it.

[844] I think they have to pick it up and shake it.

[845] get all the bad stuff out of it the trip costs double because of that woman who was so busy that bitch well I don't talk that way about women that bitch but man I'm with you on this one isn't he a nice boy and she probably knew because that's the Irish too they like to fuck with you I probably went over then she's like oh goodbye goodbye goodbye I'm not gonna say say a feckin rosary for you I'll teach you to come to any around I'll teach you.

[846] What do you think you're in this seat?

[847] Oh, so you're from, oh, you kissed the wrong soil, did you, you feckin.

[848] All right, what's having the wrong gasoline there?

[849] There you go, with your gasoline.

[850] What do you do?

[851] You're on a telly in America.

[852] Please, we live in a piece of shite.

[853] You piece of shite.

[854] Hope you feckon die.

[855] I didn't have time to make a bomb to put in the car.

[856] I'd like to kill you.

[857] Watch you burn alive.

[858] Don't even know you.

[859] I don't even have a...

[860] I don't even own a rosary.

[861] I've never had one.

[862] You're worse than the fucking British.

[863] Who wrote a rosary?

[864] There is no God.

[865] What?

[866] Oh, my God.

[867] Oh, my God.

[868] I'm a Scientologist.

[869] Oh, my God.

[870] Yep, and that's what happened.

[871] Oh, that lady's awful.

[872] Well...

[873] Oh, man. She was pretty old then, and this was a long time ago.

[874] Which means she's still alive.

[875] Because the Irish live forever.

[876] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[877] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[878] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf, theme song by The White Stripes.

[879] Incidental Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[880] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[881] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[882] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[883] Got a question for Conan?

[884] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

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[887] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.