MFM Minisode 104

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVey, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Hello.

[17] Hello.

[18] And welcome.

[19] This is my favorite murder.

[20] The minisode.

[21] We read you, your shit back.

[22] And you love it.

[23] Happy Golden Globes, Georgia.

[24] I thought we'd be topical.

[25] How did you know?

[26] Oh, I could just tell your eyes.

[27] That I'm what?

[28] That you're wearing this insane gown.

[29] Guys, I don't know where she got this thing, but it looks amazing.

[30] Listen, I'm stopping here on my way to the Golden Globes, and then I'll win.

[31] It's a salmon, sequined, millennial pink, chiffon gown that America can't stop talking about.

[32] I need that.

[33] Yeah.

[34] Immediately.

[35] going to you're going to serve.

[36] And I need America to talk about me. Pereira, only America.

[37] I need her to not stop talking about me. America, we heard what you said about Georgia and we love it.

[38] Love it.

[39] Millennial Pink is in.

[40] Girl, thank you for your support.

[41] Okay, read a story.

[42] Okay.

[43] Let's get serious on Golden Globes night.

[44] Can you tell we've had our Golden Globes wine?

[45] The most important night of the year.

[46] Karen's had her Golden Globe coffee.

[47] I've had my Golden Globe champagne.

[48] Stevens on all his Golden Globe Adderall.

[49] We're going to be.

[50] going to do this show as quickly as possible.

[51] We also just opened a box from like a gift box that we had gotten from a while ago and there's a ton of fucking chocolate.

[52] I've been eating it.

[53] Go.

[54] Yes.

[55] Here we go.

[56] This one goes out to you, mounds, and almond joy.

[57] Not sponsored.

[58] The subject line of this is food court stabbing.

[59] We're kicked off.

[60] Great.

[61] Hi, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and pets.

[62] My name is Sarah, and I'm 18 and I'm from Australia.

[63] That wasn't.

[64] That was not.

[65] Go again.

[66] I was going to try to, Hello, my name is Sarah.

[67] I'm 18 and I'm from Australia.

[68] There we go.

[69] We're too far away.

[70] I can't do Australia anymore.

[71] Around two years ago, I was just louder and my voice went out.

[72] Australia.

[73] And I made a terrible face.

[74] Around two years ago, I traveled to America as part of a school exchange program and I lived with a host family in Seattle.

[75] My host family were amazing and showed me the best of Seattle and also kind of the worst.

[76] Ha ha.

[77] One day, my host sisters took me to Alderwood Mall to see the film La La Land.

[78] after which we then went shopping whilst in urban outfitters whilst in urban outfitters is the name of my new play whilst urban outfitters people in the food court opposite us got up and ran in a sea of panic that's what you want to see right in a mall when you're fresh hair from Australia dropping trays of food and personal belongings my host sisters immediately thought there was a celebrity in the censure when my first thought was holy shit we're all going to get shot as this is typically the main thing that we see on the news about America in Australia.

[79] You're not wrong.

[80] That's what we see too.

[81] That's what we see now weekly and we're used to it and it's a nightmare.

[82] Let's change that soon, please.

[83] Yes.

[84] Can't do it now.

[85] Okay.

[86] It's Golden Globes night.

[87] It's the best night of the year.

[88] Please don't ruin it with gun control.

[89] No, let's ruin it with gun control.

[90] It's the best night of the year.

[91] But what about the Obies?

[92] It's the only night Karen feels any joy in the fucking life.

[93] Is the Globes.

[94] Who's the Globes?

[95] We were then ushered into the backstock room of Urban Outfitters where half the people were having panic attacks, the ones wearing leather hats.

[96] And the other half were completely nonchalant about the situation.

[97] They were pretending to be.

[98] They're on Xanax.

[99] All I was thinking was, fuck, someone's going to bust down the door, shoot me, and La La Land is the last movie I will have ever seen.

[100] You have to keep this in mind when you're going to pick your movie.

[101] Is this the last movie?

[102] What if it's the last one you'll ever see?

[103] Truly.

[104] What's yours right now?

[105] That it should be?

[106] No, no, that it was.

[107] Oh.

[108] In theaters?

[109] In a theater.

[110] Yeah, it should be.

[111] So mine would be Mary Poppins.

[112] I don't mind that.

[113] Did you see it?

[114] No, I don't see movies.

[115] I don't sound like an asshole.

[116] Genuinely and sincerely recommend Mary Poppins.

[117] It was a feel -good bust -out hit.

[118] Amazing.

[119] And great songs.

[120] Love it.

[121] And Emily Blunt, you cannot scratch her.

[122] She is perfection.

[123] Perfect.

[124] She's an amazing actress.

[125] She has a British accent.

[126] She has a great face.

[127] She can have blonde hair.

[128] She can have brown hair.

[129] She can have red hair.

[130] She was in that live, die repeat movie with Tom Cruise.

[131] America loves her.

[132] And now she's, America Ferreira.

[133] America Ferreira.

[134] She is in the top five of America Ferreira's favorite.

[135] Best friends.

[136] Can you tell about a ton of coffee?

[137] Yeah.

[138] Okay.

[139] All I was thinking, okay, that.

[140] The nice employee looking after us all said to me, sweetie, you should call your parents.

[141] Okay, I'm going to sidebar this really quick.

[142] You like that.

[143] No, no, no, I just, that's sweet.

[144] Yes, it is and horrifying.

[145] Yeah.

[146] If you're an adult, especially woman to woman, this is my personal preference, so obviously take this with a grain of salt, which no one seems to ever be able to do.

[147] Do not call other women your age, sweetie.

[148] Do not call women older than you, sweetie.

[149] No, don't use the word sweetie.

[150] So fucking, unnecessarily condescending.

[151] It is.

[152] And And rarely sincere.

[153] So if you're just trying to look for a way to kick off a sentence, look and listen, work great.

[154] We will highly recommend that to you.

[155] Absolutely.

[156] The word sweetie, just don't, just don't.

[157] How about baby girl?

[158] How about what up, ho?

[159] Hey, baby girl.

[160] Hey, baby girl.

[161] Oh, baby.

[162] Sweetie, I literally, one of my old jobs, somebody was passing around a card for a girl that got a job somewhere else that was like a promotion.

[163] So they're like, we're sending around this card.

[164] and you put in a piece of advice.

[165] Why?

[166] Just say goodbye.

[167] I know.

[168] But it was one of those things we were all best friends.

[169] Put in a piece of advice for her to leave with.

[170] And I, because this girl did it every single day, I wrote, stop calling people older than you, sweetie.

[171] And everybody had that reaction.

[172] I'm like, I thought we were giving advice.

[173] We need to, this is the kind of advice where if I met you and you did that, I would immediately, there would just be a spiritual line crossed through your name permanently.

[174] Don't do it.

[175] No. You're not going to get the higher ground because you're, being condescending.

[176] No. I've been called it and I'm immediately a cunt to whoever calls me that.

[177] Right.

[178] Immediately.

[179] Very similar.

[180] And I'm never fucking rude to like people in public.

[181] Right.

[182] But if you call me sweetie, I want to punch you in the face.

[183] It's a posture.

[184] And if you are a sincere person and you are like, but I'm trying to convey love, go ahead and convey love and don't use condescending words.

[185] Use baby girl anything.

[186] I'm trying to, I'm trying to push my baby girl agenda and everyone.

[187] When did you come up with this agenda, the new year?

[188] This very moment.

[189] in time that's how good I am let's get baby girl going everybody um okay so she said to me sweetie and also that's the only way you can say it's sweetie you should call your parents sweetie as if to say you may not see them again to which i replied not going to happen there in australia and i do not want to give my mother a heart attack yeah hell's yeah after waiting an hour the police came to let us out i asked the woman next to me if she knew what had happened to which she replied uh i don't know apparently someone got stabbed turns out someone did get stabbed whilst trying, whilst again, whilst trying to break up a food fight, or no, sorry, a fight, a fight, a fight.

[190] I want to keep food fight.

[191] Sorry.

[192] Can we keep food fight in there?

[193] Sweetie, we can't.

[194] Baby girl, do not talk to me like that.

[195] Those are our new nickname, sweetie and baby girl.

[196] Everyone's like, what, they're the same.

[197] Why is one upset and one not upset?

[198] Stephen is how.

[199] It's a fight between a food court employee and a disgruntled customer, who was apparently unsatisfied with the amount of cheese he had with his meal.

[200] Luckily, the man, the food court employee was okay, and the stabber was arrested.

[201] Stay sexy and don't get stabbed in the food court, Sarah.

[202] Holy shit.

[203] Yeah, that was a, I loved that roller coaster.

[204] I mean, if you're going to get in a fight about anything, it should be cheese.

[205] And then not enough of it in the world.

[206] There's never enough on anything.

[207] Truly.

[208] There was a little while when I was deep, deep into my eating disorder and ordering, like, the secret, the dirty secret of it, you should see how big George's eyes.

[209] I was so excited to hear about your, the, like, the details of your eating.

[210] Everyone's eating disorders, like a snowflake.

[211] It's, right?

[212] It's just like a personal journey.

[213] What was your fucked up thing?

[214] Yeah, it's like vein, the veins in your body, but it's your own, the rivers of history inside of you.

[215] So it's me in the Burger King drive -thru, because to me, Burger King is the dirtiest of all the fast foods because it's like, there's some, it's very chemically, it's big and sloppy.

[216] See, I think Jack in the Box is that.

[217] Really?

[218] Trash.

[219] Because you can go at like four in the morning.

[220] Yeah, it's trash food.

[221] Carl's Jr. is the top tippity top of the fucking classiest and I'm obsessed with it.

[222] I love it so much.

[223] I want to cry.

[224] I love it so much.

[225] And then Jack in the box is like the trash heap bottom.

[226] Okay.

[227] Can you just tell me where Wendy's Burger King and McDonald's go in between?

[228] We're doing top five.

[229] Okay.

[230] So from the top, Carl's Jr. underneath that, Taco Bell.

[231] Okay.

[232] Yes.

[233] And then put in your own five.

[234] Baby girl.

[235] I don't know.

[236] never did Wendy's as a kid so it like doesn't really come up on my radar.

[237] Burger King actually is really good, I think.

[238] Yes.

[239] And then what else?

[240] Del Taco, Jack in the box.

[241] Oh, yeah.

[242] Okay.

[243] How about that?

[244] Yeah, that's a great top five.

[245] Okay.

[246] Mine are, you know what's, well, it made me think of this because I had a friend, my friend Lydia, when we lived in Sacramento, went on a rant one day about how disgusting Wendy's was.

[247] And I was just like literally clutching my breast, like, what do you mean?

[248] I would feel the same way if someone did that about Carl's Jr., like, you don't know what you're talking talking about how dare you where it's like it's all garbage it's all garbage but to me there was something especially and maybe this is because in the worst of it there was a burger king drive -thru around the corner yeah but to me the most enjoyable instead of classy i would go like dirty satisfying what do i really want yeah if i'm going to do this go sing let's go for it's what you're eating disorder is about it's not you being fucking smart and order like even at burger king you can order well and be fine yes it's i'm going to Burger King, which means I'm going to blow everything up.

[249] Yes.

[250] And I want to.

[251] And mom, you can't tell me what to do.

[252] I literally have the you can't tell me what to do argument in my head.

[253] And my mother's been dead for almost three years.

[254] Hi.

[255] I'm not laughing at your mom being done.

[256] You can't.

[257] The argument is hilarious.

[258] Okay, go ahead.

[259] So I would say Burger King because they do that thing where they pump out a fake barbecue smell.

[260] And I fall for that shit every time.

[261] So what would you order?

[262] Well, I would get a whopper, but I would ask for extra cheese.

[263] And to me, that's, but it's a step too far.

[264] It's a step too far.

[265] You can, you can get a shake.

[266] You can get a pie and put your pie inside your shake.

[267] So like a burger, if you got a burger, a shake and fries, it'd be fine.

[268] But if you got a burger with extra cheese, that's like extra steps that you don't need.

[269] You're just being, that you're just being gross.

[270] I feel like, I'd feel the same way if it was extra mayo.

[271] Which on.

[272] Extra cheese I'm okay with.

[273] You are?

[274] Yeah.

[275] I think that.

[276] You really like the cheese part.

[277] Love it.

[278] Then that's fine.

[279] It's what I'm there for.

[280] You're basically.

[281] Listen, you're getting a double cheeseburger without the extra meat.

[282] That's right.

[283] I'm saving on all those.

[284] Yeah, you're not getting the extra protein that you need.

[285] Western bacon cheeseburger.

[286] God damn, this is a satisfying conversation.

[287] Coke.

[288] Fucking barbecue sauce.

[289] Yes.

[290] Okay.

[291] Stephen, you might not know this.

[292] But when we are on the road, every once in a while, we'll get wonderful, very healthy dinners to take home back to the.

[293] the hotel with us but sometimes nothing's open or we can't and we'll go to a fast food place and that's this is my favorite joke it's either you or Vince say it every time you can always get a salad because it's like because we'll be like oh this is the worst and we do all this fakey we shouldn't do this but anyway we still get our burgers and fries especially at Arby's though yes like that I can't okay but this isn't an episode this is a mini we'll stop it at Arby's Arby's, we apologize.

[294] Listen, if Arby's wants to do ads here, though, it's totally fine.

[295] Listen, I love a big beef and cheddar, and you can not get fucking curly fries like that anywhere else.

[296] That's right.

[297] We have the beef.

[298] Horsese sauce.

[299] Horsesie sauce.

[300] Well, that was fun.

[301] Sidebar.

[302] We're each going to only do two stories of stuff.

[303] No, that was the best.

[304] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[305] Absolutely.

[306] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[307] Exactly.

[308] Exactly.

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[324] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[325] Goodbye.

[326] Hey, this is exciting.

[327] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[328] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[329] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[330] Who killed Saz?

[331] And were they really after Charles?

[332] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[333] This season, murder hits close to home.

[334] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[335] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[336] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists, arise.

[337] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?

[338] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Dayvine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[339] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[340] Goodbye.

[341] All right, remember, like a year ago, or maybe even more, I was yelling about locking your door, no matter what, even when you were going to do the laundry down the hallway and your I would honestly say that's one of the first rants you ever did on this show.

[342] I would say it's over two years ago.

[343] Well, I don't know anything about time.

[344] Because I remembered you doing that in your old apartment.

[345] Yeah.

[346] Steven's going to fucking find it.

[347] He's already on his phone.

[348] And there was a guy in Echo Park and he got into an apartment building and a couple, he just like started trying to open doors and there were some unlocked doors and they said that it was from like women who were going to do their laundry.

[349] And even my dad to this day, like when he stays at my apartment, he alone, he locks the door.

[350] And he says, because he listened to that episode.

[351] Yes.

[352] Okay.

[353] Well, it was episode 29.

[354] Wow.

[355] I was like a million years ago.

[356] Can you?

[357] My hair was so much longer.

[358] Well, this is called Didn't Lock My Front Door while doing laundry slash Echo Park.

[359] Oh, shit.

[360] Is this ground zero?

[361] Uh -huh.

[362] Hello, all.

[363] Caitlin here.

[364] Yep.

[365] I was one of the men.

[366] I was one of many women that got a. attacked from this creep.

[367] Fortunately, I have a solid scream.

[368] Oh, fuck.

[369] Doing laundry one afternoon, I shuffled to the elevator of my roommate and I's three -story apartment complex to grab my clothes out of the dryer.

[370] I didn't think twice about locking my doors.

[371] We live in a building with locked doors, and you had to have a code to get in.

[372] As I was coming back, I got to my door and noticed it was cracked open.

[373] Inside was a man I'd never seen before wearing a Virgin Mary shirt, a fucking fucker, hiding behind my door.

[374] I honestly had thought it was my roommate at first coming home, but no. This crazy fucker put his hand over my mouth and pushed me up against my front door, shutting it.

[375] Oh, fuck.

[376] Somehow I managed to slip and fall to the floor, and all I could do was let out a blood -curdling scream loud enough to scare this asshole, and he ran out and I slammed the door and locked it.

[377] Yes.

[378] I always get so scared that I won't be able to scream when I need to.

[379] Because you've had that dream.

[380] Exactly.

[381] Yes.

[382] He had left a bag of.

[383] stuff in my apartment.

[384] Clothes, toothbrush, et cetera, and all caps, knocked on my front door, demanding me to give him his shit back.

[385] What the fuck?

[386] She says, yeah, okay, buddy, I hear him run from one end of the hall to the other, slamming his PCP -fueled body into my neighbor's door, breaking off a piece of it.

[387] This guy got in behind a family carrying in groceries.

[388] Oh, that's how he got into the apartment building.

[389] Yep.

[390] And the landlord watched him walk in.

[391] Yes.

[392] Oh, shit.

[393] Because how many times does that happen at somebody's friend?

[394] My apartment building, like, I'm not going to be rude and be like, let me see your key.

[395] Right.

[396] You know, I should be rude.

[397] It was fucking scary.

[398] I had to go through this whole ordeal with the police, made a formal statement with the district attorney, identify him.

[399] He attacked probably 10 other women and some were not as fortunate as I was.

[400] Oh, no. I had even heard he had a knife on him.

[401] It makes me sick to think of what would have happened.

[402] I should have known better.

[403] My mom raised my siblings and I to be murderinos, not talking to, strangers code words don't answer the front door when she'd be in the shower and most importantly to scream so you did know better yes you did fucking did one of those things your mom taught you and you should be fucking proud of yourself yeah do not do not do not be yourself up no uh I was literally shaking when I heard you guys talk about on your most recent episode origins like oh yeah thanks for the laughs laughs and gasps SSDGM and always lock your fucking door Caitlin Caitlin oh my god I'm I'm so glad that turned out the way it did.

[404] Yeah.

[405] And also, even if, you know, the attack had happened, you're still not, you still shouldn't, should not have known better.

[406] It's not your fault.

[407] It is the crazy man's fault.

[408] Exactly.

[409] A hundred percent.

[410] Exactly.

[411] You didn't invite it.

[412] You didn't do anything wrong.

[413] I mean, that's a mistake we made early on because we were giving this advice of like, you got to do this and you got to do that.

[414] And we got reached out to by a victim's rights group that was just like, can you watch that language?

[415] Because when it happens to, people that's the first thing they do is beat themselves up.

[416] I should have done this.

[417] I knew better.

[418] Yeah.

[419] And it's like no motherfucker.

[420] Yeah.

[421] The person that is entirely responsible and guilty is the person who perpetrated the crime.

[422] Exactly.

[423] The creep in the Virgin Mary shirt.

[424] It's so awful.

[425] Have you seen his photo?

[426] No. Okay.

[427] Stephen can you, there's like a security photo of it.

[428] Buh.

[429] Put it on Instagram.

[430] Also, someone behind your door is very like basic nightmare.

[431] 100%.

[432] Okay.

[433] Um, um, um, um, the subject line of This is I know someone who is at Richard Speck's deathbed.

[434] Amazing.

[435] Hey, oh, Karen and Georgia and Stephen.

[436] I went home for Christmas last week, which is in the Chicagoland area.

[437] While at breakfast one morning, my uncle's in -laws and I were talking about death over coffee, as one does at 7 .30 a .m., naturally.

[438] I made a comment that I don't want to go out.

[439] Oh, I don't want to go out boringly.

[440] Got it.

[441] Because I feel that every night.

[442] I don't want to go out boringly.

[443] I want to go out boringly.

[444] Truly.

[445] that of course led to this discussion of murder when my uncle's mother -in -law very casually said I took care of Richard Speck when I was a nurse Oh my God After a little bit of shocked blubbering on my part She elaborated that she worked in ICU At Silver Cross in Joliet Illinois And they had the contract with Statesville prison She and another nurse got word of a prisoner Who was having chest pain They were told his name was Elbazar Massa But soon, that's not real at all, but soon after they heard through the grapevine that was actually Richard Speck and he was allowed to choose a different name because he was afraid, the nurses would hurt him if they knew who he was.

[446] Yeah, because he murdered a bunch of nurses.

[447] Yes, he did.

[448] Holy shit.

[449] He came in with two guards because he was so afraid of them.

[450] She said, quote, creepy guy, very pale, lots of prison tats.

[451] Skin was cold like a snake.

[452] Later that night, he had a heart attack while they were trying.

[453] trying to resuscitate him she counted eight nurses in the room as well of a lot of other personnel they talked about who would play each of them in the movie um she of course said her character would be played by molly ringwald but she also made the point to say that joking about this was bad behavior but it didn't change their efforts in resuscitating him alas the sucker died sayanara stay sexy and don't bite the hand that feed you jasmine god damn isn't that amazing yes Don't bite the hand that's going to fucking take care you on your desk bed, you dick.

[454] There was a bunch of pictures like that when a lot of the black lives matter, like protests started happening.

[455] Have you ever seen those ones where it's like a black ER doctor that's resuscitating a Nazi?

[456] Yes.

[457] I mean, it is.

[458] And it's just like, and the majority.

[459] Who's going to come to your fucking aid, dude?

[460] You're going to be like, no, I'm racist at that moment?

[461] Of course you're not.

[462] It's no, of course you're not.

[463] And also because in that moment, you're truly, you're the most fragile of your humanity, which you actually are all the time and you don't understand that.

[464] You do.

[465] It's too scary to understand that.

[466] Yes.

[467] So you're raging like a child, like a child with a temper tantrum and you're putting your violence on everybody else.

[468] Suddenly you're a human.

[469] You're a human.

[470] And someone else is human and it's going to help you.

[471] A really, really fucking smart human who had to work twice as hard as everybody else to get where they were.

[472] And they're not going to fuck their shit up.

[473] And it's so kind that they don't give a shit what you were just screaming.

[474] Right.

[475] Well, they probably do, but they'll save it until they get home.

[476] Yeah.

[477] I hope everyone's learned a lesson about my racial equality issues.

[478] Okay, I'm going to do one more.

[479] Do it.

[480] Because I have one more, too, that's really short and fun.

[481] Great, let's do it.

[482] Okay.

[483] This one's called my mom's ex -husband tried to blow her up.

[484] What?

[485] Hi, ladies, Stephen and animals.

[486] Hi.

[487] Hi.

[488] My mom was married for less than a year before she met my dad.

[489] It should have been no big deal, but in classic.

[490] my mom fashion.

[491] She hit her first marriage from me and my sister until my sister found her wedding photos while rummaging through a drawer in my grandma's house.

[492] I love that she uses the word rummaging and not snooping.

[493] Yeah.

[494] I was just rummaging through my grandma's underwear drawer.

[495] You know how you like to do.

[496] I was looking for.

[497] I wanted a sachet of lavender.

[498] But instead I found my mom's secret wedding photos.

[499] My sister threatened to tell me everything.

[500] She's a bitch like that.

[501] This has everything.

[502] So my mom casually mentioned to me one Christmas Eve when I was in high school.

[503] She literally said, by the way, I was married before your father.

[504] Let's not get into it.

[505] That sounds like something my mom would say.

[506] Yes.

[507] And wouldn't answer any of my questions about it, thus cementing all of my many trust issues.

[508] Anyway, the whole story, which finally emerged years later after a few dirty martinis, oh man, always does, is that my mom left her first husband after discovering he was having sex with other men he found through personal ads.

[509] He was initially confessed to being gay and was okay with them splitting up.

[510] But then he started to worry that his family would question his sexual orientation if he told them about the divorce.

[511] Then shit got weird.

[512] He started stalking my mom and threatening her, begging her to reconcile.

[513] She told him she would never out him to anyone, but that obviously she couldn't stay in the marriage.

[514] One day while driving down PCH after a scuba diving lesson in Long Beach, as one does.

[515] My mom's car suddenly caught fire and filled with smoke.

[516] She passed out from smoke inhalation and woke up on the side of the highway surrounded by firefighters.

[517] As she tells it, this also sounds like my mom, she was wearing a rather skimpy bikini and the firefighters seemed very impressed with her darling figure.

[518] And then she writes, this detail seems more important to her than the fact that she was almost incinerated.

[519] Darling figure again.

[520] Also driving in your bikini.

[521] Yeah, that's right.

[522] You don't even throw a shirt on.

[523] That's the 70s.

[524] Yeah.

[525] It turned out her car had gone.

[526] been rigged to ensure it would explode, but it didn't blow up as intended and just caught fire.

[527] She always suspected it was her ex, as he was an engineer with lots of mechanical knowledge.

[528] But not too much.

[529] Not enough.

[530] Thank God.

[531] Months later, he sent her a letter confessing to everything.

[532] I asked her why she didn't get a restraining order or go to the police at this point, and she simply replied, it was the 70s.

[533] I couldn't.

[534] I had my bikini on.

[535] I couldn't.

[536] My darling figure wouldn't let me. It would cause too many problems.

[537] That's right.

[538] After the car incident, my mom said her ex continued to send her letters and even followed her a few times but eventually stopped for some own unknown reason.

[539] No big deal.

[540] Moral of the story, the 70s were a crazy time and I'm immensely grateful my mom didn't get blown up or otherwise murdered and eventually got to have an amazing, loving marriage to my dad.

[541] Nice.

[542] Thanks so much for all that you do, ladies.

[543] You've helped me get through a brutal breakup and have made lots of lonely wine drenched nights feel a little more fulfilling.

[544] Nice.

[545] Stay sexy and go to the police if your ex tries to blow up your car, Shelly.

[546] Good advice, Shelly.

[547] Shelly, you are not wrong.

[548] I can't stop picturing scuba lessons in Long Beach.

[549] If you've ever been to Long Beach, it's one of the more, it's slightly industrial and right off the coast.

[550] Because there's a dog beach that I take my dogs to there sometimes, Rosie's Dog Beach.

[551] There's oil derricks or whatever you call them, like right off the coast.

[552] It's not like you're in Maui.

[553] You know what I mean?

[554] When we were driving home to Orange County from L .A., when we were little kids, we'd stay up awake to see the fire.

[555] Like, they had these, like, industrial things with, like, fires lit.

[556] It was like, well, it's fucking oil.

[557] It's burning oil in the ocean.

[558] And the kids were like, so pretty.

[559] Yay, that's our Disneyland, all the hard start.

[560] Okay, this last one for me is my dad gave a bank robber a ride.

[561] Hi, I'm FM fam.

[562] I'll get right to it.

[563] I grew up in a town just south of Boston in a middle -class neighborhood.

[564] But when I was in fifth grade, we had a lockdown in school.

[565] this wasn't common in my area so it's safe to say when we had a lockdown there were all we were all pretty Armageddon about it as it turned out there had been a bank robbery across from my school and the thief had escaped on foot anyway we got home from school that day and sat down for dinner we told our parents about our exciting day and my dad's face got Irishman red he asked what bank and what time and he escaped on foot as it turned out my dad had picked up a hitchhiker and dropped him off at that very bank right around the time of the robbery.

[566] He brushed it off as coincidence, but when watching the news later, as it turned out, sure enough, my dad had driven the robber to the bank and he went on to rob.

[567] Thank God he didn't stick around to drive him home or perhaps my dad would be telling the story through a collect call from the DOC.

[568] Stay sexy and don't enable criminals, Lisa.

[569] What's the other end of the getaway driver, the get to their driver?

[570] that's what he was the carpooler the carpool the carpool driver yeah yeah oh my god that's so funny fucking hilarious so good and he's like at what time no oh oh coincidence yeah we're not talking about it anymore everyone walks to the bank change the subject slams his fist down on the dinner time give me another daddy light you little shit send your emails to us at my favorite murder at gmail thank you to Stephen for finding us so many great stories to tell.

[571] Those were great ones.

[572] This is a new year.

[573] It's 2019.

[574] There's a new bar that's been set with these hometowns.

[575] Please try to keep them as exciting and...

[576] Sincinct and provocative.

[577] And provocative.

[578] And well and good grammar.

[579] And great grammar.

[580] Quilst.

[581] Whilst is good.

[582] Hiltz is great.

[583] You know.

[584] Fast food's great.

[585] All of it.

[586] We love you.

[587] Thank you.

[588] Stay sexy.

[589] And don't get murdered.

[590] Goodbye.

[591] Elvis, one cookie?