Seth Rogen

[0] Hi, my name is Seth Rogan, and I feel fantastic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[1] Hello, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, we are going to be friends.

[2] Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[3] I have a wonderful show planned today.

[4] In fact, very much looking forward to talking to our guest.

[5] And I have a feeling that this gentleman and I have so much to talk about that we will go on for quite a while.

[6] So I think, you know, can do our normal babble up front.

[7] But I don't think we should get crazy because I want to leave plenty of room for Mr. Rogan.

[8] Sona, how are you?

[9] I'm doing well.

[10] What's wrong?

[11] That you spoke like...

[12] That was weird.

[13] Yeah, that was really weird.

[14] You spoke like a hostage who had just been handed the phone.

[15] I know.

[16] I don't know why I didn't die.

[17] Tell him.

[18] Tell him you're alive.

[19] Tell him.

[20] Honestly, what I'm fine.

[21] Blink if you're okay.

[22] When you ask me a simple question like that, I freeze, but I'm okay.

[23] I'm good.

[24] I'm doing fine.

[25] It's cool.

[26] Everything's good.

[27] I don't know why I get so.

[28] Matt, Matt Gourley.

[29] How are you?

[30] I'm good.

[31] I'm keeping it tight.

[32] I'm good.

[33] In it tight.

[34] Keep it tight.

[35] Keep it tight.

[36] Don't talk to me. Keep going.

[37] No, no, we're not in that.

[38] We're not in that.

[39] bigger rush.

[40] I mean, I want to make sure we leave room.

[41] Because I read his book and there's a lot to say and he has so many funny anecdotes.

[42] But I really cherish the time I have with you guys up front.

[43] You know, it doesn't, who says that talking to an incredibly funny writer, comedian, actor, producer is going to be better than a chat with you guys.

[44] There's no rule that says his will be superior to what you guys come up with right now.

[45] What you got?

[46] we've already heard the interview and it is superior.

[47] I know.

[48] We just recorded it.

[49] You're making it sound very mysterious, but we already did it.

[50] And it's great.

[51] The jig is up.

[52] You denied my reality.

[53] Yes, we have.

[54] Well, that's terrible.

[55] That's bad show business and it's bad improv.

[56] It is.

[57] You can't just deny someone's reality.

[58] I set up, yes, we did the interview first with Seth, Rogan, and it's really fun.

[59] I just had a joy doing it, and it was wonderful.

[60] And you can't say I had a joy.

[61] doing it.

[62] That doesn't work that way.

[63] Yeah, it's weird.

[64] It was joyous talking to it, but you can't say I had a joy.

[65] Unless I had an almond joy.

[66] Yes, I ate an almond joy as I spoke to Seth Rogen and it was wonderful.

[67] So I had a joy doing it.

[68] But it went long.

[69] And I was just going to try and act like Seth's standing by ready to talk and build up the momentum.

[70] But the fact that you guys just blew it and said, I've already talked to Seth, it takes away all the excitement of, yes, that Seth is waiting in the wings and I'm going to bring him out.

[71] I think the listeners know.

[72] I don't think they do.

[73] I think the listener.

[74] Our job is to almost like magicians create a different reality.

[75] And we suspend their disbelief.

[76] And I think they believe that Seth is standing by and right now he's going to step in and talk to me and there's like an electricity in the air that I felt for years before people would come out pre -COVID, you know?

[77] And now you guys have, you've taken that suspense away.

[78] You want people to think that we make the guests wait while we talk complete nonsense in the beginning of these podcasts.

[79] And some of which goes on for like 20 minutes.

[80] Yeah, even longer possibly.

[81] Yeah, and you think you want people to think we kept like Michelle Obama.

[82] Hillary Clinton.

[83] Of course, you know why?

[84] Listening to the thing.

[85] Because, because, because the implication is that that's how big a star I am.

[86] Oh, God.

[87] Come on.

[88] Babble nonsense about whatever comes to mind and we can have these.

[89] purely ridiculous conversations.

[90] And while that's happening, a former first lady is waiting, waiting patiently to come and speak to me, because that's the weight that I carry in this business.

[91] That's the illusion I want to create.

[92] But you just said, no, the rabbit came out through a trapdoor in the bottom of the hat.

[93] We can recreate this.

[94] We can say Laura Bush is waiting right now, and she's not even scheduled to be on the episode.

[95] She's just hoping to get on.

[96] We want people to believe that Laura Bush can't get on the podcast and is desperately trying.

[97] Yeah, come on, go like this.

[98] Yeah, she has a Netflix special that she wants to promote, a stand -up special, where she just kills it and she can't wait to get on and promote it.

[99] Yeah.

[100] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[101] All these people have nothing better to do except just listen to the three of us, babble.

[102] But I think we should start saying things like, look, I know Seth Rogen's a big deal.

[103] He's very successful.

[104] I'm not ready to bring him out just yet.

[105] Hang on, Seth.

[106] Just hang on.

[107] You know, it occurred to me the other day.

[108] that what is acne?

[109] You know, and then whatever, I can...

[110] What is it really?

[111] What's God trying to say with acne?

[112] I mean, what is that all about?

[113] If he takes a life, we understand, but what acne, that's just irritating, you know?

[114] And I could do like a 20 -minute, free -form, jazz, comedic riff that Seth Rogen has to wait.

[115] Yeah.

[116] Yeah, let's do it.

[117] I think that's pretty cool.

[118] I'll definitely take all that stuff out about us knowing that he's not here.

[119] Yeah.

[120] So set it up.

[121] You definitely will.

[122] I definitely will.

[123] I definitely, I promise.

[124] Well, you know what?

[125] I trust.

[126] you you're a trustworthy guy thank you gosh i hope this interview is going to be real good you know what i have a feeling set rogan always delivers he's been waiting patiently uh i am recording us from home he is sitting on the edge of my bed just staring at he is smoking uh the largest well i call it a jazz cigarette you might know it as a marijuana cigarette oh my god what just happened to you he just left did you know He's trying to lead.

[127] Seth, come on.

[128] Come on.

[129] Seth.

[130] Okay.

[131] I'm sorry.

[132] Come on back.

[133] He's coming over now.

[134] He's coming over.

[135] He insulted his culture.

[136] Seth, please.

[137] I'm ready now.

[138] I'm so excited to talk to him and hear about the things he has to say.

[139] Well, you should be.

[140] My guest today is out.

[141] So no. Sorry.

[142] You're over doing it.

[143] You're over playing your hand.

[144] I'm sorry.

[145] Okay.

[146] I'm done.

[147] Are you really?

[148] Didn't think so.

[149] You're never done when you say you were.

[150] My guest today is a...

[151] Well, we kept it tight.

[152] Nicely done.

[153] You always slipped the knife in at the last second.

[154] My guest today is a hilarious actor, comedian and writer who was starred in such movies as Super Bad, Knocked Up, Pineapple Express, and Neighbors.

[155] He now has a new book.

[156] It's called Yearbook, and it's available tomorrow.

[157] It is a very entertaining look at this gentleman's life.

[158] It's packed with good stuff.

[159] I'm thrilled.

[160] He's with us, and he's coming into the room right now.

[161] Have a seat.

[162] Thank you.

[163] Seth, Rogan, welcome.

[164] I think of you often, Seth, because you did a very nice thing, which is you came and appeared when I was doing a big tour across the U .S. You kindly agreed to come on and make a live appearance because we were in your hometown of Vancouver, and you took this black and white photograph backstage.

[165] Yeah.

[166] It's my favorite showbiz photo that anyone's ever taken of me. It's me on stage and you can see the whole crowd, and I'm wearing a leather body suit that was meant to be what Eddie Murphy wore in Raw.

[167] And so if you don't know the context, it looks like I've just lost my mind.

[168] But it looks like it's going well.

[169] It's a sold -out house.

[170] It's a beautiful venue.

[171] It's a beautiful venue in Vancouver.

[172] It's this beautiful black and white photo, and I'm there holding a mic with this bodysuit zip down to like my groin.

[173] And I'm standing on stage like a, like some kind of panther animal just prowling the stage.

[174] And you took this photograph and you sent it to me and I framed it.

[175] And then I thought, wait a minute.

[176] And I would tell people, Seth Rogan took this photo.

[177] And they'd be like, yeah, maybe.

[178] Like, maybe he did.

[179] Maybe he didn't.

[180] So I sent it to you and asked you if you would sign it.

[181] Yeah.

[182] And you signed it and sent it back to me. And it's one of my favorite possessions.

[183] That's so lovely to hear.

[184] Yeah.

[185] Thank you.

[186] I'm glad you enjoy it.

[187] It's, uh, it was a pleasure to take.

[188] Yeah.

[189] No, it's just one of those things that, you know, my wife has wondered, why is it in our front hall, in our house?

[190] I hung it over a picture of our children.

[191] And just literally over in front of.

[192] Yes, yeah, on top of.

[193] And, yeah, it's, and I say, look, if anyone wants to investigate the photo underneath.

[194] There's more underneath, but yeah, they can see that if they want.

[195] I have a copy of the same picture, and it's up on the wall.

[196] wall, I think in my office somewhere.

[197] Like, uh, in our art of great.

[198] No, I mean, I, it's prominently featured in our office.

[199] You know what I would do instantly is I would see where it was in your office and I would immediately start calculating, uh, oh, there's a picture of Sandler that's larger.

[200] Who has more prominent photos?

[201] Yes.

[202] And much, much closer and in a, in a larger venue.

[203] And, uh, you know, why is David Spade even closer to the action than my photo?

[204] I've had filmmakers shamelessly, uh, like, tell, like, uh, like, uh, In a way that still is shocking, like, we'll be at my house.

[205] Like, I've had a, you know, not that many parties, but sometimes, like, I'll have one and a filmmaker will come over and be like, you have my movie on DVD.

[206] And I'm like, you're looking like, that's a thing you do when you go to people's house.

[207] Oh, it's amazing how sensitive, you and I both came from worlds very far from show business.

[208] But the idea that I would finally get into show business and realize that people are just as thin -skinned and as neurone.

[209] as I am, people I idolize.

[210] Oh, yeah.

[211] People who have proven themselves a million times over are, I mean, at the late night show, we had this all the time.

[212] We had celebrities come and they would look around and they would see that their picture wasn't up and they would ask me. They would come up to me and go like, you're the one.

[213] Yeah, and I used to say like, oh, I don't really know much about that, but that didn't help because what I more or less said was, that's up to someone whose job it is to gauge where you are in show business and of course that just made it worse.

[214] This is based on actual rankings.

[215] Yeah, this is not my personal thing.

[216] Oh, it's not me. This is based on where you stand in show business now.

[217] Now, don't get me wrong, eight years ago, you'd have been near, you were up there.

[218] You were there.

[219] And then you know what happened.

[220] And four years ago, we took you down.

[221] You know, you can't still be up there after what happened.

[222] So it's, yeah, I'd be lying if I haven't stalked the halls of a place or two eyeing my phone Seeing if I made the cut, but I don't expect it.

[223] I don't expect to be there.

[224] That's good.

[225] You're a humble man. And I do, yeah.

[226] And like some famous people, like, are exactly how you think they're going to be.

[227] And some are like regular people, you know, and some are nothing, not at all what you think they're going to be.

[228] This gets me right into, I'll start with a compliment.

[229] I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed your book.

[230] They got me a electronic copy.

[231] Amazing.

[232] And I'm going to be honest with you.

[233] I've been sent electric copies of other people's books ahead of time, and I haven't looked at them.

[234] I'm going to be honest with you.

[235] I've said, like a kid in eighth grade, I thought Faulkner really nailed it in this short story, and I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about.

[236] Exactly.

[237] I really liked the part that took place in the South.

[238] Yes, exactly.

[239] He nailed that.

[240] He nailed that southern part.

[241] And, you know, I was curious about your book, and they got it for me. And I was genuinely curious about how does a Seth Rogen come about?

[242] Because you are a very unique comedic voice.

[243] And I mean that as only praise, you really are.

[244] I take everything as praise regardless of how it's intentional.

[245] One of the benefits of a lot of marijuana is just you take everything as praise.

[246] I literally just hear what I want to hear.

[247] Yeah.

[248] No, I remember many.

[249] I've encountered you in Los Angeles several times, and I've just lit into you.

[250] Yeah, exactly.

[251] You motherfucker.

[252] You know, and you just, you smile and you say thanks.

[253] I like your work too.

[254] So good to see you.

[255] It's a distorted reality.

[256] Loveling.

[257] I've, I've sued you several times and you have responded with the kindest notes.

[258] The nicest word.

[259] Thank you.

[260] I appreciate all those times.

[261] What I love about your book is that you, you, right up front, you say, look, I'm telling what happened and it's going to involve some famous people.

[262] There's going to be some awkward encounters when this book comes out.

[263] And what you describe is the reason I haven't written a book yet.

[264] Because, and I've sometimes thought that if I ever wrote a book, I would seriously call it, I waited for them to die.

[265] I did not.

[266] These are people I will 100 % read.

[267] I know.

[268] I'm reading the book.

[269] And this is what really, first of all, you're obviously a very funny writer.

[270] I didn't realize you started stand up that young and writing jokes for a moil.

[271] For a moyle, yeah.

[272] For a moyle, a guy whose job is to remove the foreskin surgically at a sacred Jewish ritual, the Briss.

[273] You were hired by a moyle to write jokes for him, and you did.

[274] When I did.

[275] Because I was like 14, 14 years.

[276] Yes.

[277] And then the moyle, you said, you have to pay me $500 for these jokes.

[278] And you're like 15, 16, something.

[279] And he didn't like all the jokes.

[280] So he said, maybe I'll pay you $300.

[281] You're like, no, I want all the $500.

[282] And you stood up to this moil in Vancouver and you had the meeting in like a Lamborghini sports car.

[283] So this is just, I'm giving people a small taste of these fantastic stories that you tell, which are really fun.

[284] But the moyle, I don't care his name.

[285] You go on to talk about, telling stories about, like, Nicholas Cage, which are fantastic.

[286] But you're going to hear from Nicholas Cage.

[287] Oh, yes, I will.

[288] I'm used to, I mean, I've, I've, I'm used to, from your, I've probably, I'm used to hear him from famous people, I guess, to some degree.

[289] I've done it because I have a hard time.

[290] And it is, it's an awkward thing to reconcile.

[291] Being someone who likes to be honest and who likes to tell stories that they find interesting and that they genuinely feel other people will find interesting and that likes to mine from their own life.

[292] And there was a point, yeah, where I'm like, oh, no, like a lot of the things that are happening to me involve these other very famous people.

[293] Because that is the life I lead.

[294] And so, but I guess I've experienced in the past where I have told, in the, I have told stories about other famous people on talk shows, and I do hear from them.

[295] And I have made jokes because also in our films we make a lot of jokes about famous people and we're highly like referential to pop culture in our films.

[296] And I've also been told to my face by some of those famous people that they really don't like it.

[297] Yeah.

[298] But I and the truth is, now can I just quickly ask you, how does that make you feel in that moment?

[299] Because I've had this, I've had this happen many times.

[300] And what happens is I immediately go into a shame spiral.

[301] For sure.

[302] Yeah.

[303] And I think that it.

[304] It's something that I tried, in the book, I tried not to be mean to people that I genuinely didn't.

[305] Like, I tried to be candid, but not derogatory in a way that I wouldn't be jokingly derogatory, I guess, in like any other kind of like a talk show type setting, I guess you would say, you know.

[306] But yeah, I'm 100 % sure.

[307] Yeah, someday I'll have a very awkward interaction with Nicholas Cage.

[308] But I've already had a few.

[309] So I'll just add it to the list.

[310] Yeah, that's, you know what I love is you tell this story.

[311] I don't, you can stop me at any point and say, oh, don't give that away.

[312] No, I don't care.

[313] I don't know how to promote a book.

[314] Just tell, just tell everything.

[315] Well, you tell this really funny story of having this very awkward meeting with Nick Cage, Nick Cage, who you had met once before.

[316] And he basically only has the meeting so he can accuse you.

[317] Basically, you helped rip him off.

[318] And it's the only reason he asked for the meeting is to tell you to your face.

[319] you rip me off and then storms out of the restaurant and it's insane it's madness it was more it's madness it was more of a question appointed question that did we rip him off but yeah that was he had auditioned not auditioned he was gonna be in the Green Hornet and he had done a character that was like yeah a Bohemian man and it did and he performed it for us and and it was startling and thank God our reaction I think was so negative to it because just the idea of Nicholas Cage is a white bohemian man or not bohemian Bohemian you're saying bohemian you're saying bohemian the reason and everyone's thinking what's wrong with him doing a bohemian character this is the problem yeah it's a and that's the problem it actually when they first pitched it to me I thought it was bohemian and in my head I was like that's okay it was Bahamian it was like our he pitched it as a white Jamaican man was the idea.

[320] To which we were like, I don't think that's a, we would rather not do that, I think, ultimately.

[321] To which we were kind of told, see him do it.

[322] Watch, let's hear, let's see it.

[323] And we did, and we did not love it.

[324] And it was, it just didn't seem like it would work.

[325] And in this moment that you described so well, Nick Cage is doing something that you learn very quickly that A -list celebrities, powerful people are used to, powerful people are used to, powerful people are used to, when they do something, they get adulation immediately from everyone around them.

[326] So you know that Nick Cage has been doing this Caribbean, Bahamian accent for people.

[327] Everyone's just been crying and saying, this is fantastic.

[328] Then he encounters you.

[329] And you're the first person who's looking at it just saying, yeah.

[330] I didn't like it.

[331] I couldn't, and I couldn't pretend I liked it.

[332] And then at that, so then we were all supposed to have dinner, and he left.

[333] right away.

[334] He is said, and I get why.

[335] It was uncomfortable.

[336] It was an, like, it's one of those situations, though, and to his credit, it's one of those situations you're like, I wish I could just leave this, but I can't.

[337] He did.

[338] Like, it's like if you're at the beginning of a long meal and you're like, well, I can't just get up and leave.

[339] Like, that would be, you can't just do that.

[340] I think I have to say, through this.

[341] If you're Nick Cage, the answer is like, no, you could just get him to go.

[342] And he literally just.

[343] He got on a flaming motorcycle.

[344] His head turned into a skull.

[345] and he drove away.

[346] He just got up and left.

[347] And I do remember thinking like, wow, I didn't do it.

[348] Like my whole life, I didn't know that was an option.

[349] I could just leave an awkward situation.

[350] Yes, you can.

[351] If I don't want to be in it anymore.

[352] So yeah, then years later, yeah, there's a movie that he was going to be in that we were maybe going to produce.

[353] And yeah, he called us in to meet with him.

[354] And the premise was, let's clear up what happened in the past, which I got.

[355] Like, it was like, that was awkward.

[356] And to me, it was awkward.

[357] So if anything, I was like, great.

[358] let's like just talk it out we'll explain what happened um no hard feelings yeah instead we get to the meeting and he's like like uh that guy the character in spring breakers uh is that a rip off of what i did for you that day we're like oh my god no yeah and he was like all right and then we're like when we start talking about the meeting the the movie that we were meeting on more and like after a few minutes he was like uh i got to go and then again he just got up and left and i'm like wow Like, again, what a move.

[359] But I love that.

[360] That meeting was just so under the guise of let's straighten out what happened and then talk about the next project.

[361] He tricked you into coming to a meeting and then got you to brought up something and more or less accuse you of something.

[362] You said no, and then he just left again.

[363] Yeah, they just left.

[364] He got back on his flaming motorcycle, his head turned to do his skull.

[365] He had a chain.

[366] He had the chain.

[367] The whole thing.

[368] It was wrong.

[369] But in a good way.

[370] I am stunned by a few things.

[371] I'm stunned by how thin skin some people can be.

[372] And I'm also stunned at the degree to which very famous people who you'd think their ego has been ladled with praise, like, basted with praise.

[373] Like, it's always a picture like the ego is like a turkey.

[374] In a nurturing, loving way.

[375] Yes.

[376] Like a golden turkey that.

[377] Getting every inch of their ego.

[378] Yeah.

[379] Yeah.

[380] And in other way, there are really good chefs at Thanksgiving.

[381] They'll keep cracking the oven and they'll keep putting, keep ladling more gravy onto the turkey to keep it moist and to just make sure it's absolutely perfect.

[382] That's what's been happening to their egos for all this time.

[383] And yet, the surprising degree to which many of them are bitter and feel that they've been screwed.

[384] Oh, yeah.

[385] I'm very angry.

[386] And I'm thinking, what do you, you know, if I made a promise to myself when I got into show business a long time ago, However, whatever happens to me, I refuse to be bitter.

[387] Now, that, you know, didn't work out.

[388] It gets put to the test I would imagine.

[389] And very bitter.

[390] I know, I'm not.

[391] I'm not at all.

[392] It's a good thing to tell yourself, though.

[393] I'm not bitter at all.

[394] Not better, I'm not bitter.

[395] I'm not bitter.

[396] No, I really am not.

[397] I'm really just delighted that I get to do this.

[398] Look, I'm heavily medicated.

[399] That helps.

[400] All kinds of just science has really helped me. Yeah, like you meet.

[401] And then you do meet other famous people who do seem genuinely grateful and do navigate their lives with true gratitude and grace and genuinely go out of their way to make, understand that how they are viewed and work against that.

[402] I don't do that nearly as much as I probably could.

[403] I look at other famous people being like I try.

[404] I really, again, I don't think.

[405] And I think most people who come across me probably hopefully have a positive interaction.

[406] Yes, yes.

[407] One of the defining, I remember a moment where I was on the Sony lot and I ran into Will Smith, who I had maybe met once before, but I was talking to him on the Sony lot.

[408] And then around a corner comes a tour group of like 30 or 40 people or something like that.

[409] And they see us just standing there talking to each other.

[410] And we look at each other and we both look to the tour group and we then make eye contact again is though we both have reached, in my head, the same conclusion.

[411] But what I realized is we actually reached opposite conclusions.

[412] Because what I did was literally turn around and run away as Will Smith walked up to the tour group to take pictures with every single person in the group.

[413] And I was like, that's why Will Smith is the biggest movie star on the planet and has been for a very long time.

[414] And I am like a guy who's like, you ran away.

[415] I physically was like, peace.

[416] Like, I can't deal with this.

[417] This is too much for me. I don't know.

[418] There's too many people.

[419] It's just too many people.

[420] It was just too much for me to navigate.

[421] And literally I booked it as I looked back to see Will Smith, like, embracing a family and taking a selfie with them.

[422] Sona, I'm not going to say anything, but you should tell Seth, you've known me very well for 11 years.

[423] Which one am I?

[424] You are Will Smith.

[425] 100%.

[426] To a sick degree, to a sick degree, I go towards anybody who wants any of my time.

[427] and it's not cool.

[428] It's the opposite.

[429] It's not cool.

[430] It's not cool at all.

[431] You're push Will Smith out of the way.

[432] I push, yes.

[433] I knock Will Smith.

[434] Chase trams.

[435] They're having it.

[436] They're having it.

[437] I chase trams.

[438] The way a dog chases a bus.

[439] The tour guide.

[440] I chase trams.

[441] And they're like, why is that lady running after us?

[442] And, and, yeah, I, if people are at all happy to see me, I talk to them until they start making nervous eye contact with Sona, like, how do we make this?

[443] How do we get away?

[444] I'm reminded of another thing in your book, which was just fascinating to me, because I find him to be such an interesting guy, is you had this meeting with Steven Spielberg and George Lucas shows up, and I think you were unaware that George Lucas was going to be there or was going to pop by.

[445] And, well, you can relate what happens in this story, which is pretty startling.

[446] Yeah.

[447] What happened was, so this was 2000.

[448] It actually was, it was the beginning of 2012.

[449] And I don't know if people remember, but there was a theory at the time that in December of 2012, the world was going to end.

[450] Because that's when I believe the Mayan calendar ended, which is, in retrospect, a shaky theory.

[451] to be making real decisions based on.

[452] They were right about everything else.

[453] So, yeah, like Conan said, me and Evan were called into a meeting with Steven Spielberg, which was a real treat and an amazing, I'd met him a couple times in passing, but it was a thrill, you know?

[454] And we got to the meeting, and we were waiting in his office for him.

[455] It's like a doctor's office.

[456] They take you in first, and you wait for them to come in.

[457] And he came in with George Lucas, which was, which was mind -blowing.

[458] Like, you just, they're there together.

[459] It truly, you know, for like a nerdy kid, like one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my entire life.

[460] And at which point, Spielberg, if I remember, like, it's kind of like making phone calls and doing some stuff as, as he's like, I need a few minutes as George Lucas sits down and talks to me and Evan, at which point, very quickly, the conversation turns to like, how's it going?

[461] Not great.

[462] We're nearing the end of 2012 and the world is going to end, essentially.

[463] And to which me and Evan are like, is he joke?

[464] A question that still haunts me to this day, and I, again, I think I know the answer is, was he joking?

[465] I really don't think.

[466] It did not appear he was a joke.

[467] So we tried to prod and we're like, we're, you know, we're making jokes.

[468] It's like, oh, like, what's supposed to happen?

[469] It's like, oh, a giant fault is going to, you know, earthquake.

[470] No, he's very seriously saying, yeah, it's a fault line.

[471] It's a fault line.

[472] I'm like, oh, good thing the Skywalker Ranch is on the other side of the fault line.

[473] And he's like, oh, that's not a coincidence.

[474] Like, and we're like, oh, like, what?

[475] He's thought it all out.

[476] He's really thought it all.

[477] He's been, yeah.

[478] And so at which point, we make, we making a joke like, oh, well, like, if you got a spaceship to escape Earth, like, you know, can we get a seat on that thing?

[479] And he was like, no. Oh, no. Which again, like, it makes me think he won't.

[480] wasn't joking, because if you were joking, you would just say yes to go, like to at least placate us by, by granting our wish to go on the spaceship.

[481] But no, he said, he said no. And thank God.

[482] But yeah, and again, to this day, I'm, I am confounded and plagued by that story.

[483] I don't know if he had a spaceship.

[484] If he did, I don't know if he was on it that day, but it must have been a weird morning.

[485] Yeah.

[486] Yeah.

[487] That, uh, that, have you met him?

[488] Oh, yeah.

[489] Do you buy that maybe he thought that was real?

[490] I think it was real.

[491] You know what?

[492] I would say Spielberg's reaction would probably tell you everything you need to know.

[493] Spellberg was a little bit like he was kind of like, sorry for my slightly weird friends.

[494] Right.

[495] So that tells you that he was absolutely serious.

[496] I ran into, I ran into, the last time I ran into George Lucas and I ran into him and he was like, hello, Conner.

[497] I was like, oh, hello, George, good to see you.

[498] And he's like, good to see you.

[499] And I think at the end of the conversation, it was brief, but I just said, I've got to, you know, go.

[500] I got a show to do, you know, show to tape.

[501] And he said, you don't tape a show, you're retired.

[502] And I said, no. And he went, yes, you are.

[503] Like, he knows that, you know, so yeah, I'm not on a network, but I'm not retired.

[504] But, you know, so I'm not, whatever.

[505] But he just, he was telling me that I was retired.

[506] And I was saying, well, I'm not.

[507] I have a show, and I also do this and that and that.

[508] And he was kind of like, no, no, no, no. Almost as if I was, isn't it sad that Conan doesn't know?

[509] Someone should have told him that a long time.

[510] I have a similar, I actually had heard a similar story where.

[511] That I'm retired.

[512] No, yeah.

[513] That you're retired.

[514] I don't know what I'm doing here.

[515] And I want to have surprised.

[516] I haven't seen you since Vancouver when I took that phone.

[517] Thank you for coming out of retirement to record this episode.

[518] I am the J .D. Salinger of comedy.

[519] I had heard a story that.

[520] George Lucas was on the set of the solo movie and went up to the lead actor, whose name is Alden.

[521] I don't know.

[522] Aaron Rick.

[523] Aaron Reich, which Alden Aaron Reich and went up to him and went, hey, congratulations on a baby driver.

[524] And he said, I'm not in baby driver.

[525] To which I was told George Lucas responded, are you sure?

[526] Yes.

[527] That's what he told me. he essentially told me he doubted don't you realize Conan you don't make shows anymore and you haven't since you left NBC and I was saying no I do make no you don't and you know what I'm starting to think I'm starting to think he's right he's right this isn't happening the world ended on 2012 and this is all like a weird echo of George Lucas's consciousness that we're living in I think yeah the world did end and we're living he survived and we're living in his mind.

[528] This is all a construct.

[529] If anyone could come up with this, George Lucas.

[530] The guy's a world builder.

[531] He does good world building.

[532] There's so many ways in which I can relate to you.

[533] And then you have this nerve, I think, or daring that I don't just, I don't have, which is, I mean, I was very interested in comedy like you.

[534] And it never would have occurred to me to start doing stand up at 16.

[535] with really very little encouragement from people around me and the way you set out to be in show business at such a young age and said, I really don't think college has much to offer me and this is what I need to do.

[536] I think I have an inner voice that knows what I should do, but it's very quiet.

[537] It's a sleepy and it's an old man and he doesn't talk, he mutters.

[538] And you, you seem to know you just knew well mine was very nurtured like my parents were very supportive and like although they were not in show business and have anything to do with it they they they seem to think i was funny and and i think i also had like a very realistic and i i naturally did this luckily but you know they say if like if you have a big goal you just got to set a lot of small goals you know what i mean so yeah like that it was like i started i was like i'll do stand -up comedy in Vancouver like not not the loftiest ambition one could have on the grand scale of things and then it was like I'll get in you know they filmed things like Vancouver is like you know it's a city in Canada but like it is also where a lot of stuff was filmed like so it wasn't like you know some wild it's not like I'm from like Gary Indiana and I'm saying like I'm going go make stuff it's like you saw you saw that there was a thing called show business yeah man they would film movies at our high school every once in a while like things like that.

[539] You just see trailers around.

[540] So like it was, and Stan, yeah, and I'm from an actual city, which I think is also something that I credit because like you were, I think you have confidence and you're exposed to the real world.

[541] And nothing seems as like far fetched when you're from like a city.

[542] And I'm from like Vancouver, like the city of, I'm not from like the suburbs or the outskirts.

[543] Like I grew up in like an actual city environment, you know?

[544] So there's there's, again, there's theaters there's plays there's there they're they're they're filming movies they film the x -files in Vancouver for you they film tons of movies in Vancouver you know so I think it was it was far -fetched in some ways but it seemed like in my head I was like if I I could do stand -em comedy then maybe I'll get an agent then maybe I can start getting parts on these movies or TV shows maybe I'll get one day like in my head like and also this just speaks to the time I was like maybe I'll have a sitcom one day like that was like my feel like I was like oh like Seinfeld like I'll get like my own sitcom and then and then it all kind of changed and evolved from there, but, but, like, the, the start was very simple and obtainable feeling because in my head, I was just like, if I could make just enough money to never get a real job and do comedy, writing jokes for Moyle's, like, just headlining whenever I could, I was, that was fine.

[545] Like, I was like, maybe I'll write on a TV show.

[546] Maybe I'll, you know, like, it was.

[547] Yeah.

[548] But then it also, because I start, like, I was a writer for a TV show when I was 18 years old.

[549] Like, it all happened very young, young as well.

[550] So, like, there wasn't a ton of time.

[551] I had stretches of unemployment, but there was always, like, very encouraging signs that I was on, like, the right path as well, I think, you know.

[552] And the truth is, though, like, to what you're saying, and I'm sure you could speak to this, in America, comedy is the least respected art form.

[553] There is, period.

[554] And in Canada, that is not the case.

[555] Like, Canada actually has a lot of respect for it.

[556] And I'm not saying they, I say this with no judgment.

[557] I'm not saying comedians should be more respected.

[558] I'm just saying they factually are not that respected in America.

[559] And they always want to be made out to be buffoons.

[560] As someone who makes comedy and makes more dramatic movies, I just have seen like, oh, every dramatic movie we make people think was like way harder and way more challenging to make than every comedic movie we make, which is in no way accurate, you know?

[561] Yes.

[562] And, but in Canada, they actually respect comedy as like a something like a big part of their output, a big export of theirs, like a real unit like global cultural contribution.

[563] Um, they see that so many, uh, Canadian comedians have made like a global impact.

[564] And, and they're genuinely, uh, proud of it in a way that is very nurturing.

[565] I think much more than in America, I would imagine, you know, um, I had a very strong, I mean, this, I felt like I've always felt indebted to Canada, not just because of all the great comedy that I grew up watching and the great comedians that I enjoyed so much, but also because when I started the late night show in 1993, we were met with, you know, absolute derision.

[566] And the reaction here in the United States seems to be, you know, yeah, could you go eat some cancer, please?

[567] which I don't think there's an edible cancer pop can you just but but in Canada it was it was just like oh no judgment and just um you know love love the weirdness keep it coming and so I I think I always you you were incredibly popular among me and all my friends and I guess we had no idea that that maybe I like I honestly didn't know that in America that you weren't spoken of as highly instantly because.

[568] Well, because I got some stuff I could tell you.

[569] But yeah, I would say, no, like, we were always about.

[570] But it had a weird Canadian sensibility to it, I think, to us.

[571] Like, I think it reminded us more of like kids in the hall and the stuff that we liked because it was fucking crazy and weird and, like, totally out of left field compared to what we had been watching on the other stuff.

[572] And the other thing is like, there's a lot of bad, like, because comedy is so fostered in Canada, there's also a lot of bad Canadian.

[573] comedy you know what we don't see exactly which you never see but we see a lot of so then like i remember yeah when your show came on and it was like oh this is like a big american thing but it feels like it is it has this super weird sensibility which we are generally used to seeing come from our own country was yeah uh was thrilling honestly yeah can i ask you a question actually about a story i've heard yeah you can't just know this is a one -way street set is there a story involving you at Damiano's Pizza Place that was on Fairfax across from Canter's Deli, where someone fell through a ceiling.

[574] Yes.

[575] Yes.

[576] Why?

[577] Like you're firing a neuron that hasn't been fired.

[578] And it's not like a famous, it's a story.

[579] Because I used to live right there and I would go there all the time.

[580] This pizza place, it's closed now.

[581] It's called Domino.

[582] You know what it was right across the street from Canter's Deli.

[583] Yeah.

[584] And in my groundlings.

[585] days when I was like doing improv in sort of that general Fairfax area, Melrose, I would go to Damiano's pizza because it was the closest thing to like a Boston pizza.

[586] It was sort of like the most East Coast pizza in L .A. for a while.

[587] And so I would go to Damiano's.

[588] And why do I remember, I have a vague memory about.

[589] The story I was told is that you were sitting at a table.

[590] And I, I don't know who the fuck even told me this story.

[591] But the story I was told you were sitting at a table with someone and a man fell through the ceiling and landed on your table.

[592] Yeah.

[593] Someone, it was like a drop ceiling and someone was doing work up above and came crashing down.

[594] And I think I tried to like say, because it's like dust and asbestos all over my pizza and the guy's work boot.

[595] And I think they just gave me another pizza.

[596] I think I just got another pizza.

[597] It wasn't, you know, today I'd try and say I was, I was triggered, I was upset.

[598] You know, I want the Damiano family to pay me $2 million.

[599] But I think I got another, this was in the old days, guys, when you just got another pizza.

[600] Yes, I haven't thought about it.

[601] A human would fall into your pizza.

[602] All you got was a new pizza.

[603] I, this is what happens when you've been around for a while, and according to George Lucas, retired as long as I've been.

[604] Exactly.

[605] You said, you start forgetting.

[606] Do it absolutely zero.

[607] You start forgetting all this stuff that happened to you.

[608] Like, I had a friend recently.

[609] remind me, I forgot this, that we were both in like a bar or a restaurant.

[610] And again, I had nothing to you, another man fell through the ceiling.

[611] Same guy.

[612] Everywhere I got.

[613] Same guy.

[614] This time I was eating ramen and they gave me another ramen.

[615] But my friend Randy said, remember that time we were in a bar and we heard a loud noise?

[616] And a guy on a motorcycle had been racing down like Melrose.

[617] wiped out on his motorcycle and he and the motorcycle got wedged underneath a car.

[618] Oh my God.

[619] And the motorcycle burst into flame.

[620] And he was lying kind of near the motorcycle and the motorcycle was underneath the trunk of the car which was starting to catch fire.

[621] And I just grew up watching movies where the gas tank explodes.

[622] Yeah.

[623] So I, I don't even think I'm this kind of person.

[624] I dashed out of the crowd, put my arms around the guy who was lying there in his leather jacket and dragged him away from the motorcycle because it was gonna the car was gonna explode which is what happens in every movie and I dragged him far away and then he was like why the fuck did you move me oh my God and I was like what and he was like my leg and I looked down and his leg was kind of fucked up and I was like well I'm sorry the car's about to explode and we look over the car didn't explode they don't explode and I went But, you know, every TV show I watched as a kid, the car blows up.

[625] And I just saved you from that.

[626] And we were both looking at this very small smoldering fire.

[627] And he was not grateful.

[628] And, uh, but my friend Randy was like, that was really brave what you did.

[629] And I thought, well, actually, no, the guy's mad.

[630] And then I forgot about it until Randy just reminded me of it.

[631] But I'm thinking, I don't know, I need people to start reminding me of things that I did.

[632] Because I forgot about the guy coming through the roof at Damiano's pizza completely.

[633] I'm amazed.

[634] You forgot it.

[635] That's a story I would remember.

[636] I would have asked.

[637] Well, I've had, look, I'm a guy.

[638] You've got a lot of interactions.

[639] Everything, so many things have happened to me. When you get to my stage in life and you have retired, just years of tired.

[640] Yes, retired.

[641] Occasionally running into an apparently dismissive George Lucas.

[642] Determined to rewrite reality itself.

[643] Look, if you, if, if George Lucas says I'm retired and he is created, the large credit had the largest cultural impact of anyone in film in probably the 20th century.

[644] I think he's right.

[645] I think I am retired, my friends.

[646] I have to ask you, you talk about your obsession, obsession, your enjoyment of pornography in a very healthy way, in a very healthy and open way.

[647] And then you talk about how you were so into it.

[648] And young people need to know this.

[649] Porn is at your fingertips right now, anywhere you go in the world in high -deaf.

[650] But there was a time when you had to be aroused by like the curve of someone's ankle in a fleeting glimpse in a movie where everyone's fully clothed, you know?

[651] But you were really, you know, you were a guy who was interested in, how can I get more of this?

[652] And you were so interested that you went to the 2003 adult video awards, Avien Award.

[653] which you, you know, if anyone doesn't know, that's the Oscars of porn.

[654] Yes.

[655] Which I think the Oscars should be the porn of porn or the Oscars of porn.

[656] Baby and of movies.

[657] But you went to that and, which I didn't see you there, which surprised me. Exactly.

[658] You won back here.

[659] Well, that's the year I won.

[660] Yeah, you killed them.

[661] I won.

[662] The funny speech, you destroyed.

[663] Really good speech.

[664] funniest, I got funniest, funniest, uh, naked, naked peens.

[665] Funniest, um, shot.

[666] Yeah, exactly.

[667] How did you get it to angle off to the side like that?

[668] How'd you make silly string come out?

[669] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[670] Listen, I had a career before whatever it is I'm doing now, and that's what I did.

[671] But it was, uh, George Lucas retired you from that as well.

[672] Yeah, exactly.

[673] Remember what I did porn, George?

[674] You're retired.

[675] I'm okay.

[676] All right.

[677] But what I love is that you talk about you're one day perusing some adult material online and you make this incredible discovery.

[678] Yeah.

[679] And it's a discovery that other people I know have made, shockingly.

[680] And it was.

[681] And can I just point out quickly before you say it?

[682] it's not this is not uh the discovery was not a one shot covid cure no exactly this is not it's not at that level if you're all excited now it's like a true books will be written discovery might be a grandiose term for what yes discovery um i uh yeah and i yeah in order for the in order for this be relevant i cannot speak enough to the obscurity of the born site i was looking at at the time Like it would not This would not come up This is not like a top 20 site I would say like it was it had a lot of Yeah it seems highly Eastern European And so I Yeah I was looking at a page of thumbnails And a house that I recently moved into Has like a pretty distinct like water fountain In the front yard And I noticed amongst like these dozens and dozens of thumbnails what looked like the water fountain in my new front yard and I clicked on the link and it very much was a porno movie that was filmed in the water fountain in my new front yard and it was doesn't the realtor doesn't the realtor have to disclose you know they're supposed to say they tell you if it taunted I think they have to tell me if you're talking They don't have to tell you if there's been pornography shot there.

[683] I guess, well, the truth.

[684] But also, like, at the end of the day, ultimately, any house you've lived in, people have fucked in it.

[685] Unless you built it, there's, someone has fucked in that house.

[686] Someone's fucked in your house.

[687] Someone's fucked in all your houses.

[688] No, I live in a nunnery.

[689] I live in a nunnery that, uh, that, that closed down on it.

[690] I actually bought it and evicted the nuns.

[691] You bought it under the premise no one had fucked in it.

[692] there's two types It's not a box you can click on Zillow.

[693] I don't think is I want to know.

[694] If it was, I don't click.

[695] So you maintain that if someone's living in a home in Los Angeles, there's a what, 30 % chance?

[696] I'd say 40, I'd say 30, 40 % chance porn has been filmed in your house.

[697] I think so, I love your house, but definitely porn's been shot in your house.

[698] And then it was I met someone I, someone I know lives in the neighborhood I moved into and they're like oh you moved into that house huh?

[699] And I was like what does that mean again?

[700] It's like my fear again is like is it a murder house?

[701] He's like no it's the porn house and I was like oh no I moved into the porn house I guess I did do you still live there?

[702] I do live in the porn house it's great doesn't be well very errone you know it's nice lots of candle lighting everywhere You know, it'd be great.

[703] All the curtains blowing on the breeze constantly.

[704] It's weirdly erotic.

[705] Every element in the house.

[706] I would describe it as architecturally erotic.

[707] You know, it's funny because sometimes when you buy, like I come from the East Coast.

[708] You know, I come from Boston and the outlying Massachusetts area.

[709] And when you buy a house, you're always going and finding out the history of that house.

[710] And the former owners will give you, well, who we have pictures of it from the 1920s.

[711] And then someone else will say, well, you know, I found a picture from 1895 of the house you moved into.

[712] You know, it was once a granary.

[713] And I just love that in L .A., that the version of that is you getting all this really nice, these very lovely people saying, oh, we, yes, we have footage.

[714] Oh, it's a great house.

[715] We have footage from 2001 of the foyer.

[716] It's all anal, but you're going to, you know.

[717] I know so many people that, like another one of my, friends, and this is much worse, had porn shot, and he found a porn shot in his house, but, like, in, like, an upholstered banquette that was there, like that, and the same upholstery was in.

[718] That's, that absorbs.

[719] That was an absorbed.

[720] That's in there.

[721] You got to, you got to steam that out.

[722] Yeah, I think, uh, ultimately, yeah, but like, again, people have fucked in your house.

[723] So, like, do cameras make a big difference?

[724] I don't know.

[725] Does that, like, at the end of the day?

[726] Well, it's the, yeah, it's the amount.

[727] Yes.

[728] The amount of sex.

[729] It's just the the amount of it and the varieties of it.

[730] Yeah, yeah, I think it does.

[731] It's a photogenic...

[732] It films well.

[733] You know what?

[734] Some good angles.

[735] I have to say, you know, we've been talking about your book, which I read your book, and it's just packed with really fun stories like this.

[736] It's very enjoyable.

[737] And it occurred to me, as I was getting to the end of the book, that you're someone, and this is a kind of person I really admire, who figured out how to make their life exactly they way they would have wanted it to be when they were 14.

[738] You know what I mean?

[739] Like you have, you were very early on interested in comedy.

[740] Okay, you've put yourself right at the center, you can make television, you can perform, you can make and produce movies.

[741] You're sort of, you've put yourself, right in the sort of hub of this comedy universe.

[742] You were very interested in pornography.

[743] Well, you live in a home where porn was created.

[744] And also, you went, you're welcome at the adult video awards anytime you wanna go.

[745] And they'd happily have you and they would, you know, it would be the drinks would be on the house.

[746] It's a man, manifest your dreams.

[747] Yeah, and then the same thing.

[748] Like this is Oprah's Manifest Your Dreams, but taken in a direction that Oprah didn't expect.

[749] And then you were very interested in how can I get marijuana, which was not easy to procure.

[750] And you were interested in this, and you found out this is something that you really enjoyed.

[751] It was helpful to you.

[752] It was going to be an important part of your life.

[753] Now you have this company, house plant.

[754] You've completely bioengineered your life to be everything you would want it to be.

[755] Yeah.

[756] That's insane.

[757] That is, I think, the highest compliment I can pay someone.

[758] I'm going to be super honest.

[759] A large part of it is because I don't have children.

[760] If I did, none of this would be possible.

[761] It's like, and I, and I, people, and it's, and it is the, like, it is, I have the time to do all these things.

[762] Because, like, because I don't have kids.

[763] And if I had kids, I could not do half this shit.

[764] I've never, I've never hated, I've never hated my two children more than I do now.

[765] because my son and my daughter have stood between me and a marijuana empire.

[766] Exactly.

[767] You know, regular outings at the adult video conference.

[768] But people are always like, how do you do so much?

[769] And that is always, like, as I've gotten older, I think it's because you can just do less than I can because you have this whole thing you're doing that I'm not doing, you know.

[770] Creating other children.

[771] Exactly.

[772] It seemed genetically in case.

[773] of showing gratitude.

[774] Exactly.

[775] Okay, listen, I went to a dark place.

[776] Good.

[777] You know, that's how I always hope this will be.

[778] Seth, you've been incredibly nice to me over the years.

[779] And so I've been, yeah, and well, and I will point out, I did, you did shoot a, before I went into my retirement, you did shoot a, a clueless gamer with me. I think it was you and Zach Efron in which you drew penises on my forehead.

[780] That's right, but I did not feel good about that, I'll be honest.

[781] I didn't feel great about it when I found out that it was a Sharpie.

[782] They were Sharpies, and they didn't come, it didn't, I think I drove home from us shooting that bit with a cock and balls drawn, one by you and one by Zach Efron, very clearly on my forehead and cheek.

[783] And I do have children.

[784] And I couldn't, we couldn't get it right off.

[785] And I was driving home on like the 10 freeway, just thinking about the choices I had made in my life.

[786] I've been there, man. So I have to thank you for that.

[787] I remember being on the set of a movie having a dog eat a beef turkey out of my ass.

[788] So it would make it seem like it was sniffing my butt.

[789] And it's what we, it was a bummer.

[790] I was like, you made these choices, Seth.

[791] This is you, you made this bed.

[792] It is time for you to lie in it.

[793] Huge.

[794] nothing Chaplin wouldn't have done to think about it.

[795] Well, I want to make sure I get this book, your book.

[796] It's really, as I said, it's available tomorrow and you should check it out because it really is delightful.

[797] And it's got so much, it's just packed with really funny, honest stories.

[798] And I don't know, congratulations.

[799] You've done it again.

[800] Everything seems to work out for you and it's enraged to me. Thank you so much.

[801] good.

[802] I do remember you came to our office once and we're visibly angry at how big it was.

[803] Oh, yes.

[804] Oh, yes.

[805] We don't have that office anymore, but I remember.

[806] No, no. I remember I shot some, I shot some bit that you kindly helped me out with and I had to come through your window, I think, your office window.

[807] And it meant that I was in your office for half an hour while they set up cameras to shoot this quick thing.

[808] I think it was for MTV.

[809] I don't know what was for like the video or something.

[810] And I had to come in through the window and all I could was this beautiful.

[811] gorgeous office that like Louis B. Mayer would have had in the 40s.

[812] It literally was Louis B. Mayer's office.

[813] Was it really?

[814] Yes.

[815] And I was like, look, I love Seth and I know that Seth has had a lot of success.

[816] I was shaken.

[817] I was shaken to the core.

[818] Because I think I then, I went back to like my office that gets no light in the corner.

[819] I've been doing this.

[820] I remember saying, I've been doing this 30 years.

[821] And Seth, Rogan, that pothead, you just, you had like a, you know, everything was absolutely gorgeous.

[822] You had a decorator.

[823] I was, I was so, I think someone in a white jacket brought you a joint halfway through a silver tray and you, and it was lit for you.

[824] The only reason we had that office is because we had been kicked out.

[825] It's because it was, it's one of the only stand -alone buildings on the Sony lot and we smoked so much weed that we kept getting kicked out of the other offices.

[826] but they needed us on the lot because we were working there.

[827] And so they were like, I guess we have to give you this building because it's the only building that we could be and that we wouldn't get kicked out of because we didn't share any walls or ventilation with anybody.

[828] Well, that is the last piece of advice that people should get out there.

[829] Exactly.

[830] If you want the good office.

[831] Smoke too much weed to be in any other office.

[832] I leave you, you know what I said earlier in the podcast?

[833] I never wanted to be bitter.

[834] Yeah.

[835] You have brought the memory of your office.

[836] and all the offices I've had, I am extremely bitter right now.

[837] Good.

[838] And that's your fault, Seth.

[839] Perfect.

[840] Hey, Seth, really, thank you so much.

[841] Thank you, man. And I can't wait to we see each other in person at your 700 ,000 square foot office.

[842] Exactly.

[843] It'll be amazing.

[844] Casting me in the part of the Irish leprechaun.

[845] Perfect.

[846] Thank you so much.

[847] This was lovely.

[848] I genuinely appreciate it.

[849] If you're a regular listener of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, and you're always Jonesen for more, we have started doing something that I'm having a lot of fun with.

[850] On Thursdays, we drop Conan O 'Brien needs a fan.

[851] And this was an idea just because I have lovely fans, and they're really funny.

[852] And when I encounter them on the street in life anywhere around the world, they always make me laugh.

[853] And I thought, wait a minute, why just talk to celebrities?

[854] Let's have a way that I can have inane, insane, left -brain conversations with my fans, people that listen to the show, or even people that just barely tolerate me, aren't necessarily fans but want to crack at talking to Conan.

[855] That's right.

[856] I'm talking about myself and the third person.

[857] That's a sign that I'm getting to like Caligula levels of insanity.

[858] So anyway, we started doing that, and you don't have to do anything.

[859] If you subscribe to this show, if it's in your, what's the way to say it, Matt?

[860] If it's in your podcast feed.

[861] If it's on your lazy Susan...

[862] Your podcast carousel?

[863] If it's on your podcast carousel, if it's in your...

[864] If you have Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, these will automatically show up on Thursday.

[865] You do nothing.

[866] I just show up there like a bad penny over and over and over again.

[867] If you have one of those Home Depot pneumatic tubes, it will just come out Thursday morning out of one of those.

[868] Is that pretty good?

[869] That was good.

[870] Yeah.

[871] I auditioned to be doing voice.

[872] over Gaia on those police academy movies, but they turn me down from Michael Winslow.

[873] So here I am now.

[874] Here's a door opening.

[875] Open?

[876] Here's a door closing.

[877] What?

[878] I don't get a sound effects guy who kind of says what he's doing as he's doing it.

[879] Well, I'll just unletch this door.

[880] Unlech.

[881] I'm just going to pick up this vase.

[882] Pick up.

[883] Well, better time to perform this surgery.

[884] Incision.

[885] Would it be great if I, I want to do a scripted podcast where I say that I can do all the sound effects and it's a scripted, you know, drama, you know?

[886] It's a drama and I'm not even in it as a character.

[887] I just do all the sound effects, but I don't use any sound effects devices.

[888] It's like, all right, listen, you, I've had enough.

[889] I've got a gun, see?

[890] Draw.

[891] Let's try this.

[892] Sona and I will be the surgeons and will set up tools in you.

[893] you do the sounds.

[894] All right.

[895] So, Matt, you set the scene and I'll provide all the sound effects in a way that only I can.

[896] Okay.

[897] Dr. Mopsessian, will you please turn on the EKG mission?

[898] You say yes, Sona.

[899] You have to set...

[900] What are you doing?

[901] No, it's a radio show.

[902] It's a podcast.

[903] You don't just do it.

[904] Let's try that again.

[905] Good God.

[906] Sorry, you just...

[907] You can't see this, ladies and gentlemen, but she just silently hit a switch.

[908] It's a podcast.

[909] She's queuing you to make your sound.

[910] No, she hit a switch silently.

[911] I thought you were going to...

[912] No, I used to say like, yes, turning it on now, that kind of thing.

[913] I'm crying.

[914] I try it again, Matt.

[915] Oh, my God.

[916] All right, all right.

[917] Dr. Messessian, please turn on the respirator machine.

[918] No, cut.

[919] Sona, I do that.

[920] You don't do anything other than say, you have to, like a radio show.

[921] You play the character and go, yes, doctor, I'm doing it now.

[922] And then I take care of the rest.

[923] Oh my God.

[924] All right.

[925] You're crying.

[926] I'm crying.

[927] You started crying.

[928] You just said, you did it.

[929] Oh, my God.

[930] You made the motion, which you don't have to do because it's radio.

[931] And then you said, turn on, which is what I'm supposed to do.

[932] I love that the sound effects guys is also the assing.

[933] The sound effect guy is just an asshole yelling at the actors.

[934] This is me. This is why this show, we'll never get more than six minutes into the action of this drama, this podcast drama, because I, the sound effects guy, I'm just yelling at people.

[935] We'll try it one last time and then we can give up if it doesn't work.

[936] Maybe you should start with, you know, different things since we've already explored the device.

[937] Okay.

[938] Dr. Mofsessian, will you please bring out the surgical spousy.

[939] Yes, Dr. Reveal.

[940] Sorry, Dr. Mocessi, did you hear the sponge say reveal?

[941] Yes, I thought you said bring out.

[942] Oh, bring out.

[943] I thought you said bring out.

[944] Oh, this is the worst.

[945] I thought you said bring out.

[946] And I went reveal.

[947] Let's try again.

[948] You know what?

[949] I'm loving is the sad attempts are better than anything we're going to come up with.

[950] This is the worst thing we've ever done.

[951] Okay, let's try it.

[952] Oh, my God.

[953] Here we go.

[954] Okay.

[955] Dr. Mofessian, please turn on the iron law.

[956] Yes, doctor.

[957] Switch on.

[958] Dr. Mofessian, I'm afraid the patient is flatlining.

[959] Oh, no, Dr. Gourley.

[960] Lately.

[961] Dr. Mofsessian, hand me the defibrillators.

[962] Here you go, Dr. Gourley.

[963] I was going to say hand paddle.

[964] We were doing so well.

[965] Okay, we can edit this part.

[966] Try it again.

[967] Dr. Mobsessian, please hand me the defibrillator.

[968] Yes, Dr. Gorley.

[969] Hand over.

[970] Charging.

[971] Electricity building?

[972] Clear.

[973] Electricity discharge.

[974] The patient is making noises.

[975] Oh, I'm not.

[976] These are noises of my...

[977] And here's me handing over my resignation.

[978] I'm getting out of here.

[979] Not qualified.

[980] We're terrible people.

[981] There's a lot of term.

[982] oil in the world.

[983] And we're just wasting people's time.

[984] Everybody.

[985] Everybody's time.

[986] On the back end, the front end, the front end, from his side.

[987] Yes, yes.

[988] Well, I think I've got something there, you know.

[989] And I think we're going to have to see if we can't patent that.

[990] Make sure that no one else steals it from us.

[991] I'm shocked you didn't get that role in Police Academy.

[992] Pretty good.

[993] Shocked.

[994] Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

[995] Dron is having a little water right now.

[996] Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, Swallow.

[997] Pretty good, huh?

[998] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, with Sonam O 'Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[999] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1000] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1001] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1002] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1003] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1004] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1005] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1006] Got a question for Conan?

[1007] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1008] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1009] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1010] This has been.

[1011] A team Coco production, in association with Earwolf.