Andrea Savage

[0] Hello, everybody.

[1] Welcome to armchair expert.

[2] I'm Dax Shepard and across from me wearing my favorite hair accoutremaa, Monica Padman.

[3] Miniature Matt.

[4] Minature Padman.

[5] Yeah.

[6] What is that?

[7] That's a hair band that has ears on it?

[8] No, I'd call it a bow.

[9] It's a bow.

[10] Yeah.

[11] And what's underneath of that?

[12] Some kind of a clasp?

[13] No, it's a scrunt.

[14] It's like a scrunchy.

[15] It's a screwed in.

[16] It's a scrunchy with a bow.

[17] attached.

[18] Oh, yeah.

[19] You always look so much like miniature mouse when you do it.

[20] Yeah.

[21] Oh, that's a great look.

[22] I don't wear it very often.

[23] I'm sad we don't photograph the intro because I'm sure people will be excited about your rain boots you're wearing too.

[24] It's flooding in Los Angeles.

[25] It took me 35 minutes to drive a mile today.

[26] It was a torrential downpour this morning and I got to wear my rain boots.

[27] The only good thing about rain.

[28] Yeah, you and Kristen really will event.

[29] any kind of inclement weather of course with jackets and boots and gloves and miniature mouse head screws right well our guest today is miniature mouse is miniature mouse is Andrea Savage who's an old friend of mine and a very very funny comedian she has her own show called I'm sorry on True TV, but the first season is available currently on Netflix.

[30] Ever heard of it?

[31] Ever heard of it?

[32] So if you want to binge that, I recommend it.

[33] You will enjoy Andrea Savage.

[34] She's very funny and very spunky.

[35] Yeah, we like spunkier.

[36] Yeah, we do.

[37] We prioritize spunkiness.

[38] Yeah.

[39] So please enjoy Andrea Savage.

[40] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[41] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[42] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[43] Andrea Savage, so nice to see you.

[44] Delightful to see your face.

[45] Occasionally, I get an old friend in here and you fit in that category.

[46] I fit the bill.

[47] Yeah.

[48] But I feel like there's been a lot of time since we've been friends.

[49] Oh, yeah.

[50] I almost could say decades.

[51] Definitely a decade.

[52] I would think I yeah but when I think of you I'm like oh my friend Dax but I haven't seen you in so long with the exception of very quickly in the airport and didn't I see you when you did um house of lies that I come yes you did see me when I did house of lies and that's when I fell in love with your wife and she you and what was comical to me was she came home from work one day and she was like oh my god and like I'm in love with this girl Andrea is sad.

[53] You have to, like, look up her comedy.

[54] And I was like, hon, yeah, I've made out with Andrea Savage.

[55] Oh, wow.

[56] Don't you get to an age where you're kind of like, like, everything's a secret?

[57] And then you're just kind of proud you live before you got married.

[58] 100%.

[59] I'm like, I feel like that's like, he notches on my belt.

[60] Yeah, I made out of decks back in the day.

[61] I hope I'm not an embarrassment.

[62] Because clearly, there's way.

[63] Yeah, we have some landmines, right?

[64] Way worse ones than you.

[65] Come on.

[66] No, but it also is like a. another lifetime ago.

[67] It really is.

[68] In fact, I was thinking, knowing you're coming today, I was like, I was kind of, you know, really trying to remember the details of all.

[69] I was too.

[70] I will let you know, not terribly successful.

[71] My brain, I'm just suddenly like, what happened again?

[72] My memory is really.

[73] Well, you have two kids?

[74] I have one kid.

[75] You have one?

[76] Okay.

[77] Well, it gets worse with two.

[78] I know, but now it doesn't sound like, now it's just maybe I have Alzheimer's or something.

[79] I don't think it's full -blown Alzheimer's yet.

[80] Yeah, no. But it's a touch.

[81] the owls.

[82] But I was trying to also go through like the chronology.

[83] And I was like, I don't know what year it was.

[84] I was like, I don't know.

[85] No. And I guess I wouldn't have brought it up had I had had Hardwick and I not discussed it kind of publicly on his podcast.

[86] Great.

[87] Well, I told you that though.

[88] I think you did.

[89] I did.

[90] I did.

[91] That is, you're right.

[92] You're right.

[93] You did.

[94] I guess I was like.

[95] Also, who cares?

[96] We were shot eight children.

[97] Yeah, in our 20s in the The best part was is when Hardwick and I discussed you, it was like, you know, through the most rose -colored glasses imaginable.

[98] And he accredits, like, his sobriety to you.

[99] He does, yeah.

[100] And obviously, I will accept all the credit for that.

[101] As you should.

[102] As I should.

[103] Because it's pretty easy for people to get sober if they're told to, right?

[104] That's generally how it works.

[105] That's generally how it works.

[106] You can't do it.

[107] And then someone says, stop, stop.

[108] Like I said it emphatically.

[109] I'm sure.

[110] You know what I mean?

[111] Yeah.

[112] But what I got curious about, which was really fun as I was like, again, going through, one of the memories I have is going over to your apartment on ecstasy.

[113] Like, I just kind of showed up on ecstasy.

[114] Do you remember?

[115] I think so.

[116] Yeah, yeah.

[117] I was somewhere on ecstasy.

[118] We were in groundlings together.

[119] Yes, let's start at the beginning.

[120] You were ahead of me at the groundlings.

[121] And we knew each other from there.

[122] Yeah.

[123] And then as groundlings do, you go out and drink at bars.

[124] Yeah.

[125] Yeah.

[126] I need me socially.

[127] I can't remember how it turned into.

[128] something.

[129] I don't recall either.

[130] No. And it was shortly.

[131] I was going to say it was great.

[132] It didn't really nothing crazy really happened as far as I remember, recall.

[133] No, no. What I found intriguing now 15 years after the fact was so Hardwick was in the mix.

[134] He had clearly a drinking problem by his own admission.

[135] Yeah.

[136] And then for whatever reason you were, you were willing to kiss me and I was on ecstasy.

[137] And what's so curious is you're pretty straight lace.

[138] Yeah.

[139] You know, you have your shit together.

[140] And then I know about a couple other boyfriends that I want, we won't even get into for their privacy or whatever, but you're kind of attracted to the flame a little bit, right?

[141] There's something curious there.

[142] And by the way, this only occurred to me this afternoon when I was thinking about it.

[143] Never back then did it.

[144] Like, I think, why does she even want to talk to me?

[145] I'm a dirtbag on drugs.

[146] And this, well, it's interesting because I don't, and I, and I, and I feel like I've tried to figure a little bit of this out because I've always been like, I have my shit together.

[147] And I never was like taking anyone seriously who didn't have their shit together.

[148] Right.

[149] But I think that was easy for me. Because I was like, I don't think I'll ever get married.

[150] I don't get married.

[151] I want to depend on anybody.

[152] Da -da -da -da.

[153] So if I dated people who were like a little more fucked up than I was.

[154] Disposable ultimately.

[155] It was like ultimately it would be real easy to say bye -bye before maybe they did.

[156] Something like that.

[157] Any addiction in your family?

[158] Like are you hardwired?

[159] No, and I will tell you that I've, Chris was the only person I'd ever dated who had an alcohol problem or drug problem.

[160] And then I guess you, when you had ex -ist, I didn't even remember you were in ecstasy.

[161] But again, like, ours was the most harmless of like we made out a couple times.

[162] Like, we didn't, whatever.

[163] But that was the only person I ever dated who had an addiction problem.

[164] Right.

[165] Okay.

[166] Well, you've had some boyfriends.

[167] And I will say that Chris and I fought about it from day one.

[168] Oh, you did.

[169] And he and I've talked about it before openly and stuff.

[170] But he was an interesting person in that he wasn't.

[171] like just getting drunk and belligerent.

[172] His was sort of like an anti -anxiety thing.

[173] So it was a very like low level drinking.

[174] So it was he was still doing well and he was still like functioned like he was productive.

[175] He was productive and stuff.

[176] And so it was just like dude, you don't need to have that many beers a night.

[177] But it wasn't like something where he was like a disaster.

[178] Yeah.

[179] Yeah.

[180] Well, okay.

[181] So maybe not addiction problems.

[182] But you've also had some boyfriends with some like struggles.

[183] No?

[184] There was a little pattern there for a while when I was groundlings in comedy where I just got caught in the comedy and I had a couple comedy boyfriends in a while who all had issues.

[185] Other than that, like the loves of my lives from like high school or college or post that little comedy period, none of them have had.

[186] Okay.

[187] But I did have a period where it was kind of comedian focused.

[188] Sure.

[189] And yeah, there's probably an inordinately high rate of all those is.

[190] I feel like it was hard to date a comedian without it.

[191] Yes, yeah.

[192] And they're very charming.

[193] For a while.

[194] For a while.

[195] Until it wears off.

[196] Yeah.

[197] But I definitely get lured into the like funny, charming, charismatic guy.

[198] Yes.

[199] Please give me your approval.

[200] Okay, I'll give you a little bit of it.

[201] I'll give you shit.

[202] It's that banter.

[203] Uh -huh.

[204] When you're like doing a good banter, girl or boy, there's nothing sort of that makes you feel more like, fucking got this and I'm connected.

[205] That's how I feel like is my biggest, like, language that I talk to someone.

[206] Yeah, it's kind of like adult playing.

[207] Yeah.

[208] Right?

[209] Yeah.

[210] It's like pulling, you know, pulling the kid's hair in school.

[211] And now you just do it verbally.

[212] You do it verbally and kind of fuck with your friends.

[213] Yeah.

[214] And you're from Woodland Hills.

[215] I am.

[216] So suspicious to me. Obviously.

[217] Yeah.

[218] What did mom and dad do in Woodland Hills?

[219] Well, my parents were divorced when I was two.

[220] Oh, okay.

[221] So, So my dad is an orthodontist in Orange County.

[222] This is great.

[223] Is it?

[224] Yes, because I talk about orthodontia on here.

[225] I've come from a big teeth family.

[226] Oh, it shows in your smile.

[227] It really does.

[228] Very nice teeth.

[229] Thank you.

[230] They're perfect.

[231] Thank you.

[232] My dad's an orthodontist.

[233] My mom was a dental hygienist.

[234] I have a brother who's a dentist.

[235] I have an uncle who's a periodontist.

[236] Wow.

[237] Like we're deep in the teeth.

[238] Teeth racket.

[239] Big in the teeth game.

[240] You're like third generation in the teeth.

[241] teeth.

[242] Yeah.

[243] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[244] Yeah, the teeth grind.

[245] I got a lot.

[246] Isn't, I don't know if this is rumor.

[247] Of course, Monica will fact check us.

[248] But isn't, isn't dentistry have like the one of the higher rates of suicide?

[249] I believe it does.

[250] What?

[251] And drug addiction because they can prescribe their own drugs.

[252] Yeah.

[253] But I will say, I'm not sure that, you know, they have the same discipline as maybe some other doctors.

[254] Well, also, they're working like a foot away from laughing gas all day long.

[255] All day long.

[256] Although I will say, I've been.

[257] into the dentist, obviously, many times in my life.

[258] I've never been given laughing gas or any sort of gas or anything.

[259] You just have to request it.

[260] I don't think it's ever been on the table.

[261] I just had a wisdom tooth extracted.

[262] My only one I've had to have extracted.

[263] Only because it broke.

[264] I have so much room in my mouth.

[265] I have a very large cavern in my face.

[266] Okay.

[267] And it was just like kind of broken and it was just like, well, that's got to go.

[268] And I needed it done really fast because I had to like go back to work or something.

[269] And he was like, oh, so you don't want.

[270] want to be put under.

[271] And I was like, wait, what?

[272] I didn't know that was an option.

[273] And he was like, well, you can.

[274] It's just one.

[275] And I was like, well, I can't be put under.

[276] Can we just do it?

[277] And he's all right, if you really want to.

[278] Oh, was it horrendous?

[279] Her Winston teeth is intense.

[280] It was so fine, guys.

[281] It was.

[282] It literally, he was like, okay, 10 seconds later it was out.

[283] And I was like, wait, now what?

[284] And he was like, no, it's out.

[285] Oh, really?

[286] Yeah.

[287] So I was like, I almost went under for that.

[288] So I did go under.

[289] I had four.

[290] If you were doing four, yeah.

[291] This was, one 12th grade no 11th 11th grade and in this I I attribute my early love for opiates is that experience because they gave me both Vicodin and percocet and that was the first time I was on like both and I was like oh I would like to feel this way forever that worries me and then I went to a graduation party yeah had a beer with that and was like oh no this is how I want to feel all the time it was so obvious that I have a legitimate, and this is like getting whatever, but like a legitimate fear about my daughter.

[292] Okay.

[293] Because she has like, she has more social anxiety than I ever did and really is a little more shy and, and it's confident with me, but definitely is very uncomfortable around new people and this and that.

[294] And I truly have a fear that she's going to hit high school and have her first drinks and do drugs for the first time and be like, oh, I can.

[295] And finally take a breath and this is what I want to feel.

[296] So I'm like working my ass off trying to get her feeling more confident and comfortable with herself before that day.

[297] Because I am worried that she, that is going to be a great sense of relief.

[298] Even though there's no addiction in either my family or my husband's, I truly, it is something that I legitimately am concerned about that very thing.

[299] Yeah, but don't you think that's just the business of being a parent?

[300] Because if it's not bad, it's 100 % something else.

[301] course.

[302] I know.

[303] It could also go either way.

[304] I got my wisdom teeth out and I was on hard drugs too.

[305] And I had a friend come over and we watched Jerry Maguire and I didn't, after I was like, I didn't watch the movie.

[306] I was like, I was so out of it.

[307] I hated it so much.

[308] That's me. I don't like being on any of it.

[309] Never.

[310] I'm never doing that.

[311] That's not fun.

[312] So she could be that girl.

[313] Okay.

[314] That makes me feel because it.

[315] Monica's an alcoholic though.

[316] Sure, but not at high school.

[317] By the way, and if If I had to choose between alcoholism or drug addiction for my child, which hopefully I don't have to.

[318] I would choose alcohol, I think.

[319] You would.

[320] I think so.

[321] It's interesting.

[322] Again, me too.

[323] Tongue and cheek.

[324] Now, some of these things you really got to think through, though, because I watch a documentary about these doctors in England forming a coalition to try to get MDMA legalized because the rate of emergency room admission that are alcohol -related, like, after 9 p .m. It's like 85%.

[325] And they just have the data on how dangerous alcohol is versus how dangerous MDMA is.

[326] Right.

[327] So I don't.

[328] But I will tell you, I don't also see in my daughter the ability to drink that much.

[329] I think she'll end up having my acid reflux stomach.

[330] Oh, we hope.

[331] You know what I mean?

[332] Hopefully she'll be blessed with acid reflux.

[333] She'll get acid reflux.

[334] Like she won't be able to recover well from alcohol.

[335] So hopefully she won't have the like part of her that like handles alcohol well.

[336] Yeah.

[337] So it'll come out of rubles.

[338] Yeah, that'll regulate everything.

[339] I can't drink very much at all anymore.

[340] I hate it because I like having drinks.

[341] Yeah, as I recall, like not a boozer, but you would have some cocktails, right?

[342] Yeah, I enjoy it.

[343] But now, like, it takes me, like, days to recover.

[344] You just, you're so hung over.

[345] I don't sleep, and then I feel like shit for, like, two days.

[346] So what does Mommy do to relax?

[347] Look me with straight eye contact and say mommy like that.

[348] I laser beamed your eyes when I said that.

[349] We just laser beam to mommy.

[350] Well, I was thinking of Mama's Little Helper.

[351] What do we say?

[352] Never mind.

[353] The more I say it, the grocer it sounds.

[354] Do you have anything that helps you?

[355] Yeah, I mean, going out, having a glass of wine or two, that's pretty much my.

[356] The extent.

[357] Every, I would say, I don't know, couple months, maybe two, three times a year.

[358] I'll tie it.

[359] I'll, you'll get hammered.

[360] I'll throw down.

[361] And I'll pay the price.

[362] But I like to, I like to go out for a night with some friends and just do it.

[363] And how do you feel about marijuana?

[364] Not a big marijuana person.

[365] Panic attacks.

[366] Okay.

[367] It's interesting though, because you and Monica are now sharing this, which is clearly you don't like the sense of feeling out of control.

[368] Yeah, 100%.

[369] But what's so ironic is that like booze, it's like it can render you in able to walk or like fall downstairs or you can't drive a car.

[370] But you don't.

[371] No. No, it's a magic trick.

[372] You think you feel, you think you look great.

[373] You got more control.

[374] And you're adorable the way you fell.

[375] Oh, yeah.

[376] And all that you're not aware of the lack of control.

[377] Yeah, that's maybe a good one.

[378] And then the next day you're like, what happened again?

[379] Yeah, like, yeah.

[380] It also takes a lot to get there.

[381] Yeah.

[382] It reminds me in that cliche.

[383] What's the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us he doesn't exist or something?

[384] That's basically what alcohol does.

[385] Is it convinces you, in more control and you're fucking someone you hate and you're like your car's in a ditch yeah yeah you just smacked a friend but you're in total control I will say I think and again I probably wrong but I think I'm a pretty fun person when I've had like I don't get belligerent right my body doesn't vomit so oh even when you have the flu well hold on though you phrased it so weird my body doesn't vomit.

[386] What I think what I interpret is you refuse to throw up.

[387] You hate it so much.

[388] No, no, no, my body legitimately.

[389] You're like a unicorn.

[390] It doesn't and my daughter doesn't either.

[391] So like even if I've had stomach flu or if I've had like alcohol, it literally just doesn't have the re -when I was pregnant.

[392] Like I doesn't have that reflex.

[393] I'm jealous.

[394] There's a lot to envy here.

[395] Yeah.

[396] It's just like, yeah.

[397] Is it Julia Roberts' mouth that she has?

[398] You're reminding.

[399] Yeah.

[400] I have.

[401] For sure.

[402] Yeah.

[403] When I was in my early 20s and she was wearing her hair curly and I was wearing my hair more curly and stuff, I would get it.

[404] And I was a waitress.

[405] I would get it 12 times a day.

[406] You can see it.

[407] You would.

[408] Now not as much.

[409] But I used to when I was younger and people said I had her voice and I don't know.

[410] Yeah.

[411] And were you pumped on that?

[412] I mean, oh, good, good, good.

[413] What kind of asshole would be like, oh, fuck off.

[414] I look like Julia Roberts, you dick.

[415] I know an asshole.

[416] And I say this with love and respect to Kevin Zeger, an actor friend of mine, who's a guy who's.

[417] He's always getting totally look like Zach Ephron.

[418] I'm so fucking sick.

[419] I'm like, oh, oh, boo, fucking who.

[420] You look like a perfect ham.

[421] By the way, he does look like him.

[422] I know.

[423] Who could complain about that?

[424] I know.

[425] No, I was very, I was thrilled.

[426] It makes me happy, but I was prepared for you to go like, oh, it was annoying.

[427] I just wanted to be me. But you were.

[428] It was still me. Yeah, yeah, you were still you.

[429] Just waitressing.

[430] Making a living.

[431] So you're from Woodland Hills.

[432] When do you decide you're going to get into show?

[433] business.

[434] And did you think I'm going to get into acting?

[435] You know, no one in my family is in entertainment business in any way.

[436] My parents got divorced.

[437] My mom got remarried very quickly after my dad left.

[438] Okay.

[439] And, um, like how quickly that?

[440] She met my stepdad three weeks after my dad left.

[441] Good for her.

[442] Um, that bed didn't even get cold.

[443] Yeah.

[444] She met my stepdad, um, through her brother.

[445] And it was just on right away.

[446] And they're still together.

[447] Is he still yours?

[448] Uh, he, he passed away.

[449] Um, about 12 years ago and up and he was my stepdad up until that point.

[450] They had made it.

[451] So I grew up with him mostly as my main father figure dad.

[452] Right.

[453] Yeah, you adore him, right?

[454] I remember.

[455] And I would imagine rare for someone to meet someone three weeks after a divorce and then go the whole distance.

[456] And somebody who'd never been around children before.

[457] He was an only child and my mom had a two year old and a five year old.

[458] That's a, he's an incredible person.

[459] Yeah.

[460] So he took it on like took the responsibility.

[461] on and all of that, yeah.

[462] And were you like me in that, like, I had friends whose parents got divorced and they desperately wanted their parents to get back together, but I didn't want that at all.

[463] I was like, oh, no, no, I like living with this lady.

[464] And when I go see this man, it's chaos.

[465] And yeah, yeah, I didn't really.

[466] My whole life, I was like, I'm happy they got divorced because, like, it worked out better for me and I didn't want them to get whatever, all of this.

[467] It's only been as an adult dealing in my own marriage where I've been like, oh, that maybe fucked me up a little bit more than I've given it credence a little bit yeah but no growing up I was like no but let me ask you never don't remember them together couldn't even imagine them how long have you been with jeremy I have been with jeremy for 14 years okay right so and I've been with bell for like 11 yeah and do you ever go oh well no shit my parents didn't make it they were 26 you know like when I think about that they had been together as long as bell and I but at like 26 or 7, I go, there's no way.

[468] It's a no brainer.

[469] Yes, of course you're leaving.

[470] Yeah.

[471] Also, I will say, I think I grew up with a little too cavalier of an attitude about divorce.

[472] Like I was just like, well, yeah, when things don't work out after a little bit, you should.

[473] Bad week.

[474] Just bad week.

[475] You get out.

[476] That's right.

[477] You pull the ripcord.

[478] So that's where I feel like I've had to really be like, oh, I have a kind of too cavalier of an attitude about divorce.

[479] But then also the other side of me that's very grounded.

[480] and stuff and goes, fuck you, stop being stupid in your head.

[481] But they're kind of in your brain of just, oh, I, it doesn't, marriage to me wasn't something forever.

[482] That was never something that even occurred to me because it was not in my reality, really at all.

[483] Me as well.

[484] And then also, like, if you grew up as your example is like, they end and they don't, just the, yeah, the severity of it seems, I don't know.

[485] I just like, like, people would be like, I couldn't even imagine getting divorced.

[486] Like, oh, my God.

[487] I was like, I'm not that big of a deal.

[488] Everyone moves on with their lives.

[489] You call up a lawyer and you're three weeks later, you're dating a nice gentleman that will raise your children.

[490] Exactly.

[491] You have a really funny bit, the engagement ring.

[492] Oh, my God, that's so long.

[493] To remind, it has to be shiny to remind you not to fuck other people.

[494] It's kind of like a defense of a good engagement.

[495] It's like that's the thing that's going to snap you back to reality.

[496] You need something to catch your eye.

[497] You need like a strobe light on your hand.

[498] at all times to remind you you're still not allowed to fuck anyone else remember that what were you going to say one again?

[499] Oh I thought you were going to say another bit that you reference a ton I do and you know what's funny as I was thinking again about you coming here today I was like is this one of the bits that has aged well enough like I wondered so my favorite bit of yours in fact Kristen and I's together is and I want you to tell it because I'll do a bad job but how we talk about little boys being a heartbreaker.

[500] I put it in my show last season.

[501] Oh, you did?

[502] I did.

[503] I did.

[504] So it's withstood, though.

[505] It's withstood, and it played very well.

[506] Yeah, basically just about the double standard of sexualizing little boys, like, oh, look at him.

[507] When they're babies and they're just smiling at you and everyone's like, oh, he is flirting with you.

[508] He's going to be a heartbreaker.

[509] Watch out for this guy.

[510] Yeah, he's a charming.

[511] And like turning it around on someone's little girl and be like, well, look at this cocktees she's going to really throw it around you better watch out it's the idea of calling a female baby a cocktys it's just hard to beat that um can i just say for one second how impressed i am and you've always been like this though i feel like you're you've always been so attuned to detail and memory like things stick with you in a very impressive way like the fact that just listening to your podcast and stuff but just knowing you too you've always been able to like recall little moments i don't think i can take that compliment i think it's a survival mechanism of being dyslexic and not being able to read and having to literally memorize everything the teacher said if you had any shot of getting something right on the test like i i know several dyslexics and they all seem to have that ability you listen to people and then you pull it back later and fuck you over i put it in the vault and then i unlock I even remember this from back when we, you know, we're friends and hung out more.

[512] Like you'd say something and then like you'd pull it out like a year later and be like, remember that thing that you said or that bit?

[513] And it was like, wow, you really were listening.

[514] Well, I think I was listening to you.

[515] Yes, you had my full attention.

[516] But still, I don't think you're here saying this in front of Monica because Monica is very critical of my current memory at 43.

[517] Well, I get that.

[518] And I don't think it is a bad memory.

[519] I'm going to say it.

[520] I think it's bad.

[521] Well, if you're going to call my memory bad, what fucking adjective have you reserved for Kristen?

[522] You can't.

[523] Well, hers is she.

[524] Apocalyptic?

[525] I can't even call it a memory.

[526] She doesn't have one.

[527] You have one.

[528] It's just poor.

[529] I don't totally disagree with you.

[530] I think mine's still in the like 70 percentile, but it did used to be a lot.

[531] I will say my mother's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet.

[532] Okay.

[533] Ever.

[534] But really the secret to it is she doesn't remember anything bad that ever happened or anything bad that really anyone ever did.

[535] It's an asset.

[536] Like from my dad to any person.

[537] Like she's just like, I don't really remember that.

[538] I just remember.

[539] Like, and honestly, she's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet.

[540] Yeah.

[541] Just do a data dump every night.

[542] And your head hits the pillow.

[543] Just let it all out.

[544] And then start.

[545] I mean, if people are aspiring to live in the present, I guess what use does memory serve?

[546] You'd be an insane person.

[547] I think the more content you are probably the worst your memory is.

[548] Yeah, I'd agree with that.

[549] Because when you're like trying to get things or you want something or somebody, like your brain is working overtime and it's like collecting all of those things.

[550] But then if you, if you're content, you don't care.

[551] Yeah, stinks are a little lower.

[552] For everything, by the way.

[553] Contentment is what we're aiming towards, but it also is the death of everything.

[554] Yeah.

[555] Not bad.

[556] Right now I'm in a level where I'd like, I'd like a little bit more calmness than just.

[557] time yeah so here's what i want to ask you so um forte was just in here and um i was kind of asking like were you bummed that last man on earth was canceled and he was basically like no i would have died doing even probably another year and and i have been so jealous of that show and how perfectly it's executed but also aware of how much attention to detail that takes and mildly aware of what his life probably looked like but until he said i was like i'm not i'm not jealous of that.

[558] I want to like, yeah.

[559] It's really hard because it's like my dream come true.

[560] I get to do the exact show I want to do.

[561] It's based on my life.

[562] It's based on true stories for my life.

[563] It's the exact show I wanted to make.

[564] Like truly like very little parameters and I was able to do exactly what I wanted.

[565] But that being said, to do that, you have to be involved in every molecule of the show.

[566] Yeah.

[567] And it never stops.

[568] You'd be shocked how easily things can take a writer.

[569] left turn what you think you you'll just tell yourself like no I guess I'm gonna the prop master's good I'm gonna let the prop master decide what you know fucking plates and then you get there and there's like goblets and you go wait a minute why are there go in you know it's easy to be a control freak in that world and when it's a show that's so personal and it's all told through my point of view and my I mean it's the log line is like any show that's that sort of first person point of you and so all it is is in the execution so every joke has to be built in the edit and it's not like big punchlines or broad or anything so it's all timing built yeah it's all kind of subtle stuff all based on real story so it's like I know how things are supposed to look and it's all my voice so it has to come through me so these kinds of shows like 14th and stuff you don't get any reprieve and I have a child yes and how old is your daughter she's nine nine okay so she's in fourth grade fourth grade things are really starting to happen things are happening they're happening right but they people have boyfriends and girlfriends in fifth grade, right?

[570] They do.

[571] She's a very, she's still, which I love, just more imaginative boys, not, I was so boy crazy at her age, and she's just, she loves to read, she's really imaginative, and her friends, they're obsessed with cats, and they make up whole stories.

[572] Yeah, like no joke.

[573] Like all, it's all cats all the time.

[574] Wow.

[575] When I tell you, this actually is something that happened last night, we have.

[576] have a cat, candy purple.

[577] And she named it.

[578] She did name her cat when she was...

[579] You would have named it.

[580] I would have asked you to leave.

[581] Jeremy's been like, all I've ever wanted is a cat and to name a candy purple.

[582] So we have a cat named Candy Purple and she's a really sweet cat, but not agile or real smart.

[583] Like just a loving sweet cat.

[584] I never liked cats my whole life.

[585] Yeah.

[586] I was one of those jerks.

[587] I was like, fuck cats.

[588] Yeah, me too.

[589] And then I found that rescued a cat, whatever.

[590] And, like, fell in love with this fucking cat.

[591] Anyway, so we live in the hills, and our cat sometimes is indoor, outdoor.

[592] And my daughter and I, we were out, and my husband was home, and he fell asleep with the back door open.

[593] And it got dark.

[594] And we came home, and he was, like, outside.

[595] And I was like, what's happening?

[596] He's like, I'm looking for the cat.

[597] Oh, boy.

[598] And I was like, what?

[599] And he's like, it's been 10 minutes.

[600] And she'll whatever.

[601] But she always comes when I call her.

[602] So I was calling her, and she wasn't coming.

[603] And then right at the back of our gate, coyotes yelping and attacking an animal.

[604] No. And the dogs are barking at the house next door.

[605] And I'm like, oh my god.

[606] And my daughter, her whole world is our cat.

[607] Oh.

[608] It is her best friend.

[609] And I am like, that cat's not coming back.

[610] And she's like, what's happening?

[611] Oh my God, you know.

[612] And I'm trying to come.

[613] And I'm like, oh my God, get her in the house.

[614] She sob.

[615] I mean, I was talking her through the beginning of grief and just going, oh my God, she's personality of the week this week in school.

[616] starting today and most of her pictures she was bringing Oh geez And literally like We're moving in three weeks and I was just like What?

[617] How is this happening?

[618] And we were, I was crying She was crying two hours of this Of just this is our life now She might not even be able to go to school today And that cat comes strolling in two hours later Casual is all hell Casual without a fucking care in the world You would have thought fucking Elvis Presley come back from the dead and I was like an 18 year old girl in 1952.

[619] Yeah.

[620] All three of us Jeremy screamed.

[621] Just celebrating just celebrating the existence of Candy Purple walked in and was like why are you all so fucking excited to see me?

[622] Literally it was like I've never felt quite to be honest that level of like relief.

[623] Oh right?

[624] Sure.

[625] It was last night.

[626] Wow.

[627] Because it was literally like okay I can get over pet.

[628] I'll cry I'll miss it, whatever.

[629] It was, this is going, and we were like, I was talking to Jeremy as she was in the other room.

[630] I was like, she's going to remember this day for the rest of her life.

[631] And she was saying stuff like, I shouldn't have come with you to get your hair cut.

[632] This is all my fault.

[633] And then going, all I can do every time I close my eyes is imagine her getting ripped up by Cayo.

[634] I was just like, oh, boy.

[635] Oh, God.

[636] Oh, wow.

[637] Yeah.

[638] Kind of similarly.

[639] Kristen was, I mean, 9 .9 months pregnant.

[640] She's going to have been more pregnant.

[641] We're laying in the bed in our bedroom.

[642] and we hear this outrageously terrible dog dying sound, right?

[643] And we're like, ooh, but it does not sound like our dog Lola.

[644] So we're like, oh, we even say like, oh, this coyote got a dog.

[645] We can hear it, right?

[646] It's gnarly.

[647] And this is going on for like a minute and a half, two minutes.

[648] Finally, Kristen's like, I'm just going to go check and make sure it's not lowly, even though I know it's not her voice.

[649] So she waddles down the hallway, you know, takes her another minute to get to the front.

[650] door and then I hear it's us I run down the hallway Lola our dog who's only this big by this big but she's half chow she has a coyote on its back in our yard with with its neck in her jaws that was the coyote crazy fucking noise and I like run out and I like scream and Lola lets the coyote go the coyote jumps over a six foot wall I run out the pedestrian gate I don't know what I'm going to to do this coyote but i'm like i want to kill this thing so i'm now chasing this coyote and the coyote runs directly across los felis boulevard in rush hour traffic somehow doesn't get killed gets to the other side and then it's just panting and staring at me go back inside lola is like total adrenal dump she's in a coma yeah because she just fought she just fucking fought a coyote and the coyote is three times the size of her it's a badass she's the baddest motherfucker and she's the nicest sweetest dog she'll be baited any other dog.

[651] But I also, she fought a pit bull under our table one time because the pit bull attacked the littler dog in our house.

[652] And she, she took off the gloves and got dirty.

[653] I might be in love with her.

[654] Oh, she's the greatest.

[655] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[656] If you dare.

[657] What's up guys?

[658] It's your girl Kiki.

[659] And my podcast is back with a new season.

[660] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[661] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

[662] Okay.

[663] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[664] And I don't mean just friends.

[665] I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[666] The list goes on.

[667] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[668] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[669] We've all been there.

[670] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[671] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing.

[672] but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[673] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[674] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[675] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[676] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[677] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[678] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon music.

[679] Long at the show of it, she's not really that into boys yet, or as I always like to say, or girls.

[680] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[681] I say it too much, probably.

[682] Because if she's not boy crazy at all, you don't really have any sense one way or another, do you?

[683] Yeah.

[684] I get the feeling she's like, she's like, yeah.

[685] Yeah, I get the feeling she.

[686] She likes a big don't.

[687] Only you could I say that.

[688] Oh, Jesus.

[689] A big.

[690] A big dong.

[691] Somehow what you said was gross when I said it was kind of cute.

[692] Yeah.

[693] I will say that when Jeremy, when she was like three or four and they were in the bathroom and he was peeing, she was like, Daddy, why is your, what did she?

[694] She was like, why is your to she so long and what's a pointing at?

[695] So there was some confusion.

[696] We straightened it out.

[697] Our daughter is very fond lately of, and she says it with Olson.

[698] She's five and a half.

[699] It started with Kristen's, we call genitalia birds, boys or girls.

[700] I mean, we also say vagina, but it's, in my family, we always call it a bird.

[701] Yeah, like, why you itching your bird?

[702] Why are you itching your bird?

[703] Why are you eating your bird?

[704] Is your bird itch?

[705] Just bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird.

[706] Yeah.

[707] And so she, like Kristen's peen, then she stands up and she's about to fall up her pants.

[708] And Lincoln goes, Mom, why is your bird ugly?

[709] and Kristen goes what do you mean she goes well what is my bird going to get ugly and so Kristen goes well Lincoln thinks my bird's ugly and then sure enough like two weeks later I was peeing she said daddy why is your bird so ugly I don't know she is upset that there's hair involved with it I think it's the hair or just that things are saggy or I don't know what it is saggy yeah testicles are saggy oh okay sorry I was thinking I mean my bird is ugly I don't I was like, I actually, they keep referencing my show, but there's a scene in the first episode back of this season.

[710] That's a conversation my daughter and I had where she started asking about pubic hair and my pubic hair.

[711] And she started getting hair and was like, mommy, you know, I'm getting hair.

[712] And I was like, well, yeah, you know what?

[713] Everyone gets, you know, hair on their privates at a certain time.

[714] And just like, mommy, you're going to get, you know, pubic hair.

[715] And she was like, I don't like mommy's pubic hair.

[716] And I was like, wow.

[717] And in my head, of course, I'm just like, first of all, you don't even know.

[718] You don't even really know how good, how aspirational this is.

[719] So first of all, that's another conversation.

[720] And then she was like, do boys get pubic care?

[721] And I was like, yeah, of course, everyone gets pubic care.

[722] And she goes, well, daddy doesn't have pubic care.

[723] And I was like, yeah, he does.

[724] She was like, no, he doesn't.

[725] And I was like, yeah, he does.

[726] And she just dug her heels and was like, no, he doesn't.

[727] And I was like, daddy's got pubic here.

[728] I'm not going to argue with you about this.

[729] Just get daddy in there.

[730] And that's what next I saw Jeremy.

[731] I was like, well, just so you know, next time she might be like, head in the face.

[732] You know, just head right there.

[733] I think what it was is the pubic care is, it's not on the member.

[734] Yeah, it's harder to.

[735] Oh, right, not on the penis.

[736] Exactly.

[737] So I don't think she's noticing or she's thinking it's not on.

[738] the penis itself.

[739] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[740] And that's the private.

[741] That makes sense.

[742] I don't think she's the base knows that much about balls.

[743] Right.

[744] Right.

[745] She probably doesn't even realize there's balls in there.

[746] I don't think she does.

[747] Yeah.

[748] Yeah.

[749] Now, you were a fantastic student.

[750] Do you like that transition?

[751] Yes, I do.

[752] Okay.

[753] You were a really good student.

[754] It was a very good student.

[755] Yeah.

[756] You went to Cornell.

[757] I did go to Cornell.

[758] And you majored in non -actory stuff.

[759] I was the equivalent of pre -law.

[760] I was a government major.

[761] I grew up.

[762] I grew up.

[763] in L .A. I was a very good student.

[764] I did theater the whole time, but growing up in L .A. had no one in the entertainment industry.

[765] I went to an all -girl school here.

[766] That's no longer all -girls.

[767] It's Harvard Westlake, but it used to be Westlake.

[768] Oh.

[769] Yeah.

[770] That's a very good school.

[771] It's a very good school.

[772] It's a very expensive too.

[773] Yeah.

[774] And we were not super fancy.

[775] So my parents really scrimped and scraped for me to be able to go to a really good school.

[776] Did you have, you must have classmates that have become, but like Jason Paisley didn't go to your school or anything exciting like that.

[777] No. Torrey Spelling did.

[778] Did she?

[779] She did.

[780] There you go.

[781] I knew there would be somebody from the 902.

[782] I actually have a scar on my my knee from a party she had at her house.

[783] Wait, you went to that fucking house as a kid?

[784] Yes.

[785] Oh, in a high school.

[786] And if you don't know, it's famously the biggest house in Los Angeles.

[787] Yeah.

[788] Yeah.

[789] It was.

[790] Yeah.

[791] I went and this is going to still make me sound like I have an alcohol problem, which I believe of really don't think I did.

[792] But I was in high school and I was very drunk.

[793] And there was this like wall, like I was walking in the yard and I don't know why I was like away from people.

[794] And like the wall just like dropped off.

[795] Okay.

[796] And I fell and hit my knee.

[797] But I was wearing black jeans.

[798] So I thought I'd fallen like in like wet grass.

[799] Okay.

[800] So I pull myself up and I walk over to my friends and I'm like, oh my God, I really just hurt my leg.

[801] And they were like, whatever.

[802] And I was like, no, seriously.

[803] Like my leg really hurts.

[804] And then I went to the bathroom with my friend Caitlin, I think it was.

[805] not Caitlin Olson.

[806] She went to stop talking about her.

[807] And I, whatever, we went to pee together and I pulled down my pants and it was just blood.

[808] Oh my goodness.

[809] Everywhere.

[810] Just blood soaked through everything.

[811] But I was drinking.

[812] And I couldn't tell my parent.

[813] So it was one of those things where it was like, well, I can't tell any adult or anything and we were to party at her house.

[814] There was some sort of, I want to say, but I don't know.

[815] what I imagine at the time.

[816] A staff person where I came out of the bathroom was like, do you have any band -aids?

[817] And so they put band -aids on my knee.

[818] The doctor came out of another room and sutured you.

[819] They have everyone.

[820] I wish because I ended up going home and sleeping.

[821] A bunch of us went to go sleep at my other friend, this guy friend's house that night.

[822] Yeah, sounds safe.

[823] And I think at that point I was had a, I wasn't super drunk when I'd hurt myself, but I think I had a couple more drinks at that point.

[824] I was 16.

[825] Yeah.

[826] And was like, I hurt myself.

[827] I I'm going to drink, went there.

[828] I'm going to thin out my blood.

[829] I'm going to thin out my blood.

[830] And I just remember, like, lying on my friend's bed and my friend Caitlin was going to like change my band -aid kind of a thing.

[831] And everyone was talking and da -da -da -da -da.

[832] And then she took it off and the whole place just went dead silent.

[833] Because it was so gnarly.

[834] And I was like, what's wrong?

[835] And everyone's like, everything's fine.

[836] Everything's fine.

[837] And then I drove home the next morning.

[838] And my mom wasn't home, but my stepdad was there.

[839] And I was like, I kind of hurt my knee.

[840] And he looked at it.

[841] He was like, get in the car.

[842] And we went.

[843] to the ER.

[844] Uh -huh.

[845] And they couldn't sew it up because I'd waited too long.

[846] Oh, geez.

[847] Do you have a big, so I have kind of a big scar.

[848] And I had like an open gaping wound for like a month.

[849] It took forever for it to like, anyway, Tori's spelling stuff.

[850] Yeah, so let me ask you because that's so completely outside of the realm of anything that would have happened to me in high school to go to Tor.

[851] Is she already on 902 and O?

[852] No. I don't think so.

[853] But let me say, I went to this fancy school.

[854] my family was not fancy my friends were not fancy that was an anomaly but I'm saying even then I was like this is crazy well that's what I want to know like yeah when you pull up to the biggest house in Los Angeles what the fuck it was yeah so it was not lost on me like this is bananas I didn't know famous people I didn't know people in Hollywood like yeah it was crazy yeah and was it like just anything goes I mean you're all 16 it doesn't sound like there was a ton of parental supervision.

[855] There were definitely no parents there but you know I think it was just a lot of drinking I'm sure there was drugs I was not like a big drug person so I had friends who did it and stuff but I wasn't doing so but it wasn't anything like less than zero like it wasn't like Were you friends with her?

[856] No No okay just she invited most of the school Yeah I think it was just like a party When you have the room it would have felt probably it would have felt very awkward if you invited less than 100 people Yeah it would have been embarrassing It would have been embarrassing But you went to Cornell and was that like a, it's way different.

[857] Yeah, growing up in L .A. and being an L .A. person.

[858] It's in upstate New York.

[859] It's in Ithaca, New York.

[860] And it was definitely like culture shock when I went there.

[861] But I loved it.

[862] I loved it.

[863] It's snowed.

[864] I loved that it was cold.

[865] I loved that it was this little small town.

[866] I liked studying.

[867] I liked academics.

[868] I was like I would never be an actor.

[869] I would, it was so irresponsible.

[870] It was a frivolous endeavor.

[871] It was frivolous.

[872] It was irresponsible.

[873] It was vain.

[874] Vane.

[875] It was also just inconceivable.

[876] It was like, like, no, that's just silly.

[877] That's silly.

[878] It just was, yeah.

[879] And also it was like, no, I'm an academic person.

[880] I'm not, yeah.

[881] Right.

[882] And you, did you have, you had the intention of being a lawyer?

[883] Mm -hmm.

[884] Is your aunt a lawyer?

[885] I have a lot of uncles that are lawyers.

[886] I probably have an answer to lawyer.

[887] Who lives up off the 405 on the right side of the 405?

[888] That was my uncle who was a lawyer.

[889] Damn.

[890] God, how do you fucking remember that?

[891] Yeah, I lived in their guests.

[892] Like, they had this little, like, room that I lived in for a while.

[893] And not even when I...

[894] No, like, no, no. How did you fucking remember that?

[895] I don't know.

[896] I just had the gender wrong.

[897] I had the gender wrong.

[898] I'm going to beat myself up.

[899] Yeah, you should be yourself up about that.

[900] You were wrong.

[901] So what shifted?

[902] Why did you...

[903] Did you love comedy?

[904] Did you watch Silent Live?

[905] Did you like...

[906] I came to comedy through musical comedy.

[907] Like musical theater.

[908] So I did music.

[909] musical theater.

[910] I, like, the lamest, like, way I got into comedy.

[911] It wasn't like I, like, followed, like, cool comedians or, like, really stayed up late watching SNL.

[912] I loved musical comedy.

[913] I started in that.

[914] When I was in high school, I was maim and maim, and I was the lead in all the musicals.

[915] And you're singing.

[916] And I'm singing.

[917] So you can sing.

[918] You know what?

[919] I could fake it pretty well.

[920] And I was, like, in the singing groups and I was in all the a cappella groups, but I had to work really hard for the singing part.

[921] That's how I got into comedy.

[922] And I was, um, You know what?

[923] It's weird.

[924] I feel like because I had four brothers.

[925] I went to an all girl school, but I had a lot of male friends.

[926] And being funny and like bantery was like my language.

[927] And so I knew I was quick and funny and like sharp like that way.

[928] But it was like, well, that's in life.

[929] I wouldn't.

[930] I didn't know being a comedian was a thing, to be honest.

[931] There was no improv group on my campus.

[932] It was like there wasn't sketch comedy.

[933] Like I wasn't introduced to any of that until after.

[934] college.

[935] Yeah.

[936] So I really the only way in was through musicals.

[937] Now I want to ask you a few questions that I do recognize they're getting more and more outdated.

[938] And the more I listen to Stern zero in on this topic.

[939] I can tell that it's updated.

[940] But regardless, I can't resist.

[941] But you're super attractive.

[942] You're just bona fide attractive.

[943] And if you were super funny on top of being hot, do you have your pick of the litter?

[944] Was it just shooting fish in a barrel?

[945] Because to be, super hot and funny it just feels very unfair to everyone else um it's hard question to answer it hard to answer it without sounding like a dick i i did well yeah i was popular and you're a boy crazy i was pretty boy crazy yeah i had a pretty serious boyfriend at the end of high school through part of college yeah but we were allowed to make out i i don't know how it worked like whatever but um I was like a serial monogonist.

[946] Was that really quick?

[947] Was that the rule, though?

[948] Just make out?

[949] Basically.

[950] That's a hard thing to shut down.

[951] It didn't work out that great.

[952] Yeah, I feel like I, I've had an easy go of that in most of my life.

[953] Yes.

[954] So, but what's interesting is like, and again, I really run the risk of going, like, are you really going to try to get me to feel bad for someone who's super attractive?

[955] And that's why I'm like, what am I supposed to?

[956] Everything comes with a new set of challenges.

[957] So if I had my pick of the litter, well, and even in my limited pick of the litter, it was very hard for me to stay with somebody.

[958] Like I met people and I'd be attracted to them.

[959] And if I thought I could be with them, like all that stuff was very, it was very hard for me to not pursue that.

[960] Right.

[961] I just think with more options, you have a different problem on your hands.

[962] It's like, well, that's kind of taken care of.

[963] but now it's like any moment you could maybe meet someone and be like, oh, I think I could be with that guy.

[964] Yeah.

[965] Is it hard for you?

[966] No. It wasn't.

[967] I'm like I can't possibly make it sound like for me. Well, here's the part where I'm going to say poor you that is going to sound like people are going to go, oh, fuck you.

[968] But I'll say it for you.

[969] You would never say it.

[970] But I would say being as attractive as you are was actually a liability at the groundlings.

[971] I would say I would say I would agree with that.

[972] And I would say that's not.

[973] But not only to me. That was definitely a...

[974] I think Caitlin dealt with that.

[975] Definitely.

[976] And there was a period where every woman was cut for a while.

[977] That was pretty good looking.

[978] Yeah.

[979] And it was a little...

[980] And you were kind of told it going in.

[981] And I will say the one thing about my youth is I feel like I had a freakish sense of confidence that was unfounded early on.

[982] Yeah.

[983] Way before, you know, I had braces and all that stuff.

[984] Where I would do stuff at school where I would look back and go, what would have ever possessed me to think that that was going to be a cool move?

[985] Right.

[986] Like you basically would do the Amphrican anning or dance like from Can't Buy Me Love and just commit to it.

[987] Just commit like, show up to chemistry class and like an Alvira wig and do my report as a character.

[988] Like, but somehow I like navigated through.

[989] I think partially because it was an all -girls school.

[990] So it kind of took some of the whatever away.

[991] So I have.

[992] my best friend Nate Tuck during the period.

[993] I don't think so.

[994] I know I've heard you talk about speak of him and stuff, but I don't know.

[995] And he did level one and two with we, that's where we met was.

[996] Yeah.

[997] But he just has the best story.

[998] Like his, his, um, his apex in life was he was in a fraternity at UCSB and he was just crushing and they hosted some, you know, one of these mixers with a sorority and he was on the dance floor and he was doing some move, you know, and he felt great the whole night.

[999] And then someone had been recording it.

[1000] And then like two days later, they were playing the tape and he goes oh my god what am i doing he was like doing some weird thing with his hands and like pointing to do it i wish he could was here to do it but you know objectively a super embarrassing move that he was just in the moment fucking feeling it and no one's really objecting so and there was no cameras i'm telling you my life would be so different if there had been people able to film the stuff i did and then i would have had to have lived with it and seeing what it look like after the fact.

[1001] I couldn't agree more.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] And as much as I lament, like it's harder, it was harder to get into comedy and harder to start your career when I started because you had to go through the growlings, wait for industry night, wait for, to get, somehow get a job to sort of get a real so you could kind of get an age, like now you can, if you don't have like an hour's worth of kick ass comedy material that you have produced, edited, put together that you can send when you're like 21 to an agent and put it online what are you doing yeah but on the other hand that part I'm envious of me too but the other part of oh shit I would have posted shit I would be blacklisted I would be I would have just been like what the fuck is wrong with this person if you gave 16 year old me a camera in my room at night oh my god you guys there'd be because I had a confidence sure that's the problem yeah I would have felt really I feel strong about my choices.

[1004] Absolutely.

[1005] And really like, people need to see this.

[1006] No, God, no. So how do you go from, you do, you get your degree and you would naturally now start take the L -Sat and apply to law school.

[1007] What happened in between?

[1008] When I went to Cornell, getting away from L .A., I think I still did theater while I was there and I still loved it and was not in the theater program, but was cast in a lot of stuff and doing well in the program.

[1009] And I did study abroad.

[1010] for a year in Spain.

[1011] Okay.

[1012] In Sevilla.

[1013] Oh.

[1014] Sevia, Southern Spain.

[1015] Okay.

[1016] And while I was there, I was like, I don't want to admit this to myself, let alone my parents or anyone else, but I think I need to try this.

[1017] And even if it's stupid and even if it's irresponsible, I need to do it.

[1018] And came back and told people and was ignored, kind of, and just sort of not taken seriously.

[1019] Yeah.

[1020] But kind of stuck to my guns.

[1021] You're a bizarre mix of, you're kind of type A, and yet you're not.

[1022] You're an interesting mix of like, you did everything by the numbers, and then all of a sudden you decided not to do that.

[1023] I would say, like, I only started going to therapy like within the past real like five years.

[1024] And I would say that's the number one thing where I feel like I have these two very different.

[1025] There's like the Kearney side.

[1026] and then the very grounded, like, responsible side.

[1027] And they really yell at each other in my head.

[1028] Do you think the responsible one is trying to appease one or your other parent?

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] I think it's...

[1031] Mom or Dad?

[1032] My mom.

[1033] And my dad was the one who walked out and was more adventurous and has lived this sort of wildlife.

[1034] But then my mom was the one who was left behind and had to deal with the kids.

[1035] And I don't want to end up what, you know what I mean?

[1036] And it's those two.

[1037] crazy voices and someone put it to me that I'm a very disciplined wild child right but it's always fighting in me yeah and it gets tiring but I didn't realize how tiring I got until like really about five years ago well and again I can also back to the it wasn't really it was discovered it wasn't really the pattern I thought it was but even maybe your willingness to get close to the flame with some people that are probably more indulgent of their crazy side and I get probably attracted to that.

[1038] I get bored easily.

[1039] I like things that are a little shaky or a little riding the line, but to a point.

[1040] Right.

[1041] Because that, you know what I mean?

[1042] Safe.

[1043] Like, I don't like to jump out of airplanes, but it's the same reason like getting up in front of 10 ,000 people, you know, I did this tour and getting out.

[1044] With Will Ferrell?

[1045] Yeah, yeah.

[1046] And, you know, I'd get out in front of the audience and just improv with him and just get out there and just fuck around in front of 12 ,000.

[1047] thousand people you know or whatever it is which is crazy yeah and i can't believe you know there's times where i go that's so crazy but that to me is like i like a little crazy and i like things to be a little wild but only to a point and then it's just always fighting it's very german i read this fascinating piece and vanity fair about the german character the national character and it's like they have this they're drawn like moss to a flame to like they're very rigid in type a just as a national character.

[1048] It was all about them getting involved in the sub -prime mortgage.

[1049] Yes, it was all about there.

[1050] I think they were in the fire at that point.

[1051] I feel like there was the other side.

[1052] My side was closer to the flames.

[1053] Yeah, they started the fire in that scenario.

[1054] But just the fact that fiscally, they're the most responsible country on the planet.

[1055] Yet they were buying all these subprime mortgage -backed securities billions of dollars worth, which they knew better.

[1056] But they wanted to have their toe in some naughtiness.

[1057] It was just a very fascinating story.

[1058] But so after a year of tapas in Spain, you come back and you go.

[1059] Yeah, I'm going to go to New York.

[1060] I'm going to go do theater in New York.

[1061] Okay.

[1062] I'm not going Hollywood.

[1063] That's ridiculous.

[1064] That's cliche.

[1065] Embarrassing, being, wanting to be a T. Yeah, there's something lofty about doing it in New York.

[1066] Yeah, it seemed like almost the more responsible way to be irresponsible.

[1067] So I was like hedging my bets a little bit.

[1068] Sure.

[1069] I told my, you know, department counselor that I was doing it and literally just got the dead stare and just like 10 seconds of silence and then just like, okay, well, then after that, which applications do you think?

[1070] But yeah, I mean, literally it was just like I was speaking another language.

[1071] And my parents, my mom was, my parents were hesitatingly encouraged, but I think they were just like, you know what, she'll take a year off.

[1072] And then relax for a year.

[1073] Rumspringer.

[1074] Right.

[1075] Rum springer.

[1076] Rumspringa.

[1077] Yeah, Rumspring.

[1078] She'll rum springing.

[1079] She'll crawl back to the church.

[1080] Yeah.

[1081] So I went to New York and stayed with a friend of mine for a couple months and then tried to meet like, you know, agents or whatever, like through my theater program or whatever.

[1082] And everyone there was like, uh, everyone in New York's trying to get to L .A. So if you can start there, go home.

[1083] Right.

[1084] Live it home and bye -bye.

[1085] Yeah, yeah.

[1086] Like being a theater actress is like the only way to get on the theater is to become successful in Los Angeles.

[1087] Right.

[1088] And then come back and get a role.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] Because that's the only, that's basically what they said.

[1091] Right.

[1092] Which was probably good advice.

[1093] And so you came back home.

[1094] So I came back home, lived at home.

[1095] And then literally started from the bottom.

[1096] Like submitted backstage West.

[1097] Sure.

[1098] Student films.

[1099] Oh, I did that.

[1100] And did the blind submissions for commercial agent.

[1101] Go to 7 -11 and pick up that backstage West.

[1102] And there was another one too.

[1103] And slowly convince yourself, you're right for every single role.

[1104] Every single role.

[1105] You're like, okay, it's a 42 -year -old mom.

[1106] janitor.

[1107] I can, I'm a maternal.

[1108] I have younger siblings.

[1109] I change their diapers.

[1110] I can, yeah, like, so you're every part.

[1111] And I, and I submitted myself to, like, student films and a blind submission for a commercial agent, and I got a job in a restaurant.

[1112] Like, you know what I mean?

[1113] Like, just fucking did it.

[1114] Yeah.

[1115] I thought you meant through all those submissions, landed you a job in a restaurant.

[1116] Yeah.

[1117] What restaurant did you work in?

[1118] I worked at 17th Street Cafe on Montana and Santa Oh, uh -huh, sure.

[1119] And works there for many, many years on and off.

[1120] I ended up on a kid's show called Sweet Valley High relatively quickly.

[1121] Based off the books?

[1122] Based off the books, which I had been obsessed with as a child.

[1123] I played Renata Vargas, the Brazilian exchange.

[1124] Oh, yes, I just read this.

[1125] Were you doing an accent?

[1126] I did an accent.

[1127] Not a Brazilian accent.

[1128] No, no. And in fact, I asked, I was like, do you guys want me to actually learn the accent?

[1129] They were like, no. So it is the, I'll tell you right now, that character would not hold up today.

[1130] It's the most, I had fruit on my head.

[1131] Oh, perfect.

[1132] Chiquita banana.

[1133] Chachia.

[1134] I talked about burrows and tacos, but then also the Amazon jungle and voodoo.

[1135] It was, every stereotype is thrown into this character.

[1136] And into this one Jewish lady.

[1137] Into this one Jewish Greek lady from Woodland Hills, who should have been in law school.

[1138] Um, and so, but I loved it.

[1139] How many episodes were you on?

[1140] And it was a comedic relief.

[1141] I did 22 episodes.

[1142] It was their last season.

[1143] So I was like a series regular.

[1144] Yeah.

[1145] And so you made money?

[1146] I made money and I did it.

[1147] And then I got off that and was like, well, I guess this is where it all happens now.

[1148] Because that show ended while everyone's going to be pretty excited.

[1149] You'll be a regular for the next 40 years.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] No, no. Then I had to go back to working a restaurant.

[1152] Uh -huh.

[1153] And that was a real, that was a real pill to swallow.

[1154] Back to 17.

[1155] Mm -hmm.

[1156] Okay.

[1157] Okay.

[1158] And how did you find your way to the groundlings?

[1159] Did you go see a show?

[1160] You know what?

[1161] I was taking a cold reading acting class with Brian Reese that was like an audition workshop class.

[1162] I took a couple real acting classes and was like, this is not for me. Yeah.

[1163] I did, no, no. And so I was taking that class.

[1164] I got a couple guest stars and I did those like casting director workshops where you pay to like audition in front of the casting director.

[1165] And I actually did really well in those and I got some jobs from those.

[1166] Oh, that's great.

[1167] You're the one person.

[1168] I know.

[1169] I actually, like, did well in those.

[1170] And I was getting work here and there, but not enough.

[1171] And so I was taking this acting class, and Chris Parnell was in my class.

[1172] And we hit it off.

[1173] So funny and great.

[1174] And we hit it off.

[1175] And, you know, I did a comedy in there and, you know, comedic scenes, whatever.

[1176] And he was like, you should audition for the groundlings.

[1177] I legitimately didn't know what the groundlings was.

[1178] Even growing up here.

[1179] Like, that's how not plugged into comedy.

[1180] I was.

[1181] I wasn't plugged in on any level into comedy.

[1182] I went to another place, which is when you're there drinking the Kool -Aid, I thought the entire world revolved around.

[1183] Eventually, that's what happened.

[1184] And Melrose.

[1185] Yeah, yeah.

[1186] I thought that was like ground zero for - 100%.

[1187] Yeah, so to hear you say that.

[1188] So I didn't know what it was.

[1189] And I was like, oh, I'll go see a show there.

[1190] And I saw a show.

[1191] And I saw Jennifer Coolidge perform.

[1192] And I was like, these people, what?

[1193] Yes.

[1194] And so I, like, immediately auditioned and got in the program.

[1195] And, you know, and then as you know, like went through it and you know went through it relatively quickly and then that quickly becomes your everything yeah i worked less professionally while i was in the groundlings than i had worked in my career since basically i had started because you're so focused on the groundlings yeah and i think that's what katelyn ended up getting up against was like she was working a lot as an actor and to have to i'll then write six sketches a week was like impossible but i will say and all three of us have the same ending at groundlings where we were all cut And we all were good.

[1196] That's what was frustrating.

[1197] I don't think they were fair -tests.

[1198] Even if I can't see it in myself, I can see it in you guys, yeah.

[1199] You, I remember seeing your shows.

[1200] You have to at least question your own evaluation of yourself, or at least not trusted.

[1201] Of course, but you also know how many sketches you get in.

[1202] Yeah, there are certain just sort of.

[1203] You kind of know how you play on that stage.

[1204] Exactly.

[1205] And I will say that I attribute my ability to work hard and be able to turn out comedy when there's a deadline and to not have to wait for the inspiration to hit you because you are boot camp you got to fucking write those sketches every week yeah it was crazy it didn't go my way yeah but there is nothing for me that was more life changing than that place i i had never acted yeah i'd learned to act on that stage i'd never written sketch comedy i had i started directing things there to put on the tv you know i'd do video I learned to edit because of that place.

[1206] I wish, yeah.

[1207] Almost everything I've...

[1208] Improv has gotten me almost every job I've ever gotten.

[1209] A little improv here, a little improv there.

[1210] A little something has gotten me almost every job I've ever gotten.

[1211] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1212] And then you and I were almost on a show together right when I...

[1213] Right after I got punked, there was a show that had like four.

[1214] people on it and it was all improv and fuck i can't remember the name of it and i got offered it did i do it yes was it significant others yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it was for nbc and then it ended up being on bravo for two seasons yes yeah and um that's right we was couples and therapy it was a little ahead of its time it was partially improvised like it was improvised and yeah and my agent you always hear horror stories but my agent talked to me out of it mine tried to and i was like no this show is going to be good Also, if you're an improv or I could see how the setup was going to lend itself very well to.

[1215] If you were good at improv, you were going to shine on that show.

[1216] And improv, though, in a specific way.

[1217] Improv, not to grounded improv.

[1218] Yes.

[1219] And that's what I think groundlings, if I, again, had come through comedy at a different time when UCB was in Los Angeles, I probably would not have done groundlings.

[1220] I will be honest.

[1221] Because I wasn't the big, I was Melissa McCarthy and I were in the same group together.

[1222] Yeah.

[1223] Melissa can do no wrong.

[1224] By the way, even if you were mildly good at it, if you were in with her, you'd quickly go, well, I'm not going to fuck with that.

[1225] And there's people who are just fucking amazing at it.

[1226] You know, and other people like Steve Little, and just like these people who are just characters and who are just so good at it.

[1227] My stuff, I was a good writer.

[1228] And when I could kind of play myself and then do the funny bits around it or whatever, those worked.

[1229] But when I tried to put on a wig and an accent and a weird costume, well, that, I mean, That one's, I understand.

[1230] It kills.

[1231] Even though you did your school reports and wigs and you started out in wigs.

[1232] She burned herself out real early.

[1233] I was not a sketch.

[1234] I could fake it a little bit sort of like the singing early on, but it was not my red and butter.

[1235] And if there had been another option that was more improv and improv in your own body, like improv in your own skin, that would have been more.

[1236] And that's what my career has ended up being more into is living in that space.

[1237] That's been the biggest asset for me working for, you know, a long, you know, a long time.

[1238] Yeah.

[1239] And that's very, for better for worse in some good years and bad years.

[1240] Monica did all of you.

[1241] Yeah, no, I know.

[1242] So she's 31.

[1243] So, of course, when she got here, she had that option.

[1244] And she was for her.

[1245] And I was allergic to that character.

[1246] I was very like, Groundlings is characters.

[1247] And I don't want to do that.

[1248] I don't do characters.

[1249] I don't do.

[1250] I just want to really.

[1251] quickly go back to the Brazilian that you play because I don't know about you but I have audition for things that have accents but now I have the asset of YouTube but I just go on YouTube I watch some things and I do it in my car right before I walk in and I can do it long enough in the audition but the Brazilian accent you're just probably completely guessing right because I speak I spoke Spanish fluently but they speak Portuguese in Brazil that's right so it was like fuck like it was just like so it's not Spanish it sounded Russian I would say if you were giving any sort of categorization to it.

[1252] Do you think you remember it?

[1253] Oh, that's.

[1254] Yes.

[1255] I had a hunch it was that.

[1256] Let's look at the potion.

[1257] I don't know.

[1258] I actually don't think that was it.

[1259] But it was big.

[1260] It was big.

[1261] Because who am I thinking of that?

[1262] Was it the Chiquita banana girl?

[1263] Charo?

[1264] Charo?

[1265] Maybe.

[1266] Chik, chik, chik.

[1267] Does she do that?

[1268] Coochee, coochee.

[1269] I don't know.

[1270] That is what she said.

[1271] That is what she said.

[1272] Coochee, coo choochee.

[1273] Yeah, she would go, hoochie, coochoochoochoochoochooch.

[1274] She would, right?

[1275] I think so.

[1276] Did you ever work a hoochy -coochy into the Sweet Valley twins?

[1277] What was it?

[1278] Sweet Valley High.

[1279] Sweet Valley, please.

[1280] How dare you?

[1281] Sweet Valley, hi.

[1282] I called you girls momentarily just because that's when you loved it.

[1283] I went back.

[1284] I'm talking to the girls in you.

[1285] The girls in us.

[1286] Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield?

[1287] Yes, please.

[1288] See?

[1289] Thank you.

[1290] When I got that role, I was like, this is everything.

[1291] Yeah, I'm stepping into books that I loved.

[1292] My character didn't exist in the books, but I was still like, Todd, and that was Elizabeth's boyfriend, and then Jessica, and, like, it was literally, like, stepping into, like, your favorite book.

[1293] It would have given a left to do that.

[1294] It was.

[1295] I'm not going to lie, it was special.

[1296] It would be like me getting on Dukes of Hazard first job.

[1297] Yeah.

[1298] Like, oh, my God, I'm in the world.

[1299] I'm in the world.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] Wow.

[1302] Yeah.

[1303] So you left ground lines.

[1304] Did you take it bad?

[1305] I took it quite bad.

[1306] It was, I would say it was a real blow to the ego.

[1307] Not going to lie.

[1308] It was really just, it was, yeah, it fucking sucked.

[1309] It hurt.

[1310] It hurt your feelings.

[1311] It hurts your ego.

[1312] It also was like that was my life.

[1313] It was all my friends.

[1314] To me it was more like leaving a cult.

[1315] It was like leaving a cult.

[1316] Like my whole identity was that.

[1317] All my time was spent there.

[1318] All my time.

[1319] And I had also convinced myself that this is the only avenue towards where I'm trying to go.

[1320] Which was where.

[1321] I want to be on Saturday Night Live.

[1322] Okay.

[1323] Or whatever.

[1324] Mad TV, whatever.

[1325] I wanted to do comedy.

[1326] And so I was like, well, that's over.

[1327] That just ended because how else do you get there now?

[1328] So it was very shattering in that my identity and plus now I'm never going to end up anywhere.

[1329] All those things were very frightening for me. It was really scary.

[1330] It hurt really badly.

[1331] I remember my mom, though, saying I know like this is awful and it, you know, deserved or not deserved, whatever.

[1332] It doesn't feel good.

[1333] She was like, I've never seen you.

[1334] more stressed and unhappy than the past year that you've been in the Sunday company.

[1335] Because it was such constant stress of how many sketches did you get in?

[1336] Why did that person get a sketch?

[1337] Oh my God, well, now I need to write another.

[1338] I don't know, that one didn't go well.

[1339] This one did, and it was just...

[1340] Oh, and you get Maccabellian about it.

[1341] Like, oh, well, everyone needs one sketch.

[1342] This person can't write.

[1343] I'm going to write with this person because I'll get in their sketch and then I'll get in this loser's sketch.

[1344] I mean, it gets insane.

[1345] And it just became your whole life.

[1346] And all you want to sketches in the show.

[1347] But then once you get those sketches, you've got to shop for three days for all these wigs and bullshit.

[1348] It was crazy.

[1349] And then you put it up and you're like, oh, well, that sucked in.

[1350] It's not.

[1351] It was not easy.

[1352] But I will say one thing that I think has served me well is I am one of those people that's like, all right, you got up.

[1353] This is where you show yourself what you're made of, Savage.

[1354] You pick yourself up and you fucking go harder.

[1355] Yeah.

[1356] Kind of a thing.

[1357] And you started doing standup after that.

[1358] I started doing standup pretty quickly after that.

[1359] Which I thought was, I remember.

[1360] I remember being, like, kind of impressed that you shifted that quickly into that gear.

[1361] Stand up, I was like, oh, this is what I should be doing.

[1362] Right.

[1363] Because it was not the wigs and it was doing a version of yourself and it was just straight from your mouth to the audience.

[1364] You could control what it was.

[1365] You didn't have to go through a panel of people to get what you wanted to say.

[1366] It was the equivalent of like being able to shoot my own stuff.

[1367] Yeah.

[1368] That wasn't available really then.

[1369] So I love doing stand -up.

[1370] I just didn't get to, I just didn't do it very long.

[1371] Right.

[1372] What, a couple years or something?

[1373] I did a couple years and then, and cannot complain, started getting quite a bit of work.

[1374] Do you think from that?

[1375] I think somewhat from stand -up and then also I think because I was out of Groundlings, it could fucking focus on my career again.

[1376] Right, right, right.

[1377] Because literally, like, I was doing well before Groundlings and then pretty quickly after Grownings started working again.

[1378] Yeah.

[1379] And started doing stand -up.

[1380] deduce.

[1381] Yeah, it was like, oh, maybe if I actually have energy in time to focus on this instead of all the wigs and the shopping and the things and the whatever and got on a couple shows and then got on a show called Dog Bites Man, which I became a writer -producer on.

[1382] And that was on Comedy Central and it was Zach Alvinakis, Matt Walsh, 80 Miles, and myself.

[1383] And it was the guy who did Borat, Dan Mazur.

[1384] And it was kind of before its time.

[1385] And it sort of has a cult following.

[1386] And that's where I feel.

[1387] first became a writer -producer on a show.

[1388] But it's also right when I got married.

[1389] Wait, how did you get those titles?

[1390] Because we were improvising on it, and there were a couple of the writers on the show, but we were playing characters based on ourselves as this faux news team.

[1391] Uh -huh.

[1392] And from Spokane, Washington, and it was sort of in the Borat world.

[1393] We were playing characters, but everyone on the show was real.

[1394] And it's, I have a lot of mixed feelings about the show, but it was a really cool, very funny, weird show.

[1395] It has like a weird cult following.

[1396] I don't know.

[1397] I think you can find it.

[1398] It's not easy to find, but you can find it.

[1399] But we had to trick real people, which I did not.

[1400] None of us enjoyed that.

[1401] So it was a real, that was the part.

[1402] But working with those guys, like the four of us, and we'd be on the road for most of the year.

[1403] It was crazy, but we basically became writer -producers because we were writing on.

[1404] Like we were that, and then it's just the way it happened.

[1405] That's when I started the writing producer.

[1406] side of my world and realizing that you should be creating as much time into that is yeah and that's really when like everything shifted but around then i also so we were working crazy hours and we were on the road and then i got married and so nights i wasn't going to work all day and then also go out to stand up five nights a week because to do stand up it's like a it's your every night of the when you really commit to it you got to go yeah things um i don't know about for you but for me i met bell when I was 32, and there's an entirely different thought process that makes me think that had I approached any other relationship, the way I was at 32, I was like, the next one I'm having a child with it.

[1407] And all these other things I might have like let myself be annoyed by someone else.

[1408] I was just like, no, I found someone with good character.

[1409] That'd be a great mom.

[1410] I will make this work in a weird way.

[1411] But also, well, I think I was still like a little.

[1412] like I don't know if I'd ever get married and da da da da da da but then we met and I remember driving home after like one of our first dates and being like I think that's the last person I will go on a date with and then I was like what the fuck was that thought and then just kind of new but it was that kind of thing and it wasn't like I was like oh I want kids right away but it was like I've seen how other relationships I've been through enough long term relationships yeah this is a good person and this is a person of quality.

[1413] My stepdad was really sick at the time and had just been diagnosed with cancer.

[1414] And that shifted my whole perspective also in a relationship and what you look for as I was watching someone begin the end of their life.

[1415] Yeah.

[1416] And it really shook me and made me look at Jeremy in a completely different way and was watching somebody how they live the end of their life and what is important to them and what isn't.

[1417] and really was like, oh, I need to stop fucking around.

[1418] And this is the quality of person that you actually want to make a life with.

[1419] Yeah, you, a couple things.

[1420] I too was, but this was recently was kind of fucked up by watching my mom care for my stepdad and just going, oh, I hope I deserve that.

[1421] Like it's so profound when you witness it.

[1422] And to go like, God, I hope I, I hope I can lay in bed and let someone care for me and feel like I deserve that or have earned that.

[1423] Because it's so, I'm, I hate anyone to help me. I hate it.

[1424] I don't want a favor from anyone.

[1425] So to be in that position, you better feel like you deserve to be there.

[1426] I don't know.

[1427] That's what I walked away with is like.

[1428] I, yeah, I think I walked away with just going, he was sick for a year and a couple months.

[1429] And when I tell you that he gave me the greatest gift.

[1430] in terms of watching somebody get diagnosed, get sick, think there's some hope, the hope's taken away, and then know that the hope is gone and then still have a little bit of a couple months.

[1431] Yeah.

[1432] To watch someone go through that, he modeled what I have to imagine is the most noble way that anyone could go through that experience and taught me so morbid, but like when it is my time, that's how you do it for yourself.

[1433] and for your family and his he was so still concerned about what our life was going to be after he was gone and my mother and me and just all of us and that was a big priority for him and he was obviously not ready to go but sort of took it in stride it was incredible but it was watching his respect for my mom and love but also her it was just all of it was just like oh this isn't just like oh this is my boyfriend and we like have fun together and we make jokes yeah it really knocked me out of that comedy spiral that I was in a little bit what's the longest you had dated a guy prior to germany I feel like I had like a series of a lot of year and a half relationships okay like probably four or five or six like I was a serial monogamous right well you had a serious girlfriend well I was with Bree for nine years you were three for yeah before her I I was with Carrie for five years.

[1434] So I went five years, nine years, now 11 years.

[1435] But I had a, which I've talked about is I had a very liberal arrangement and both of those.

[1436] So it wasn't like, weirdly I knew I would, I couldn't have gone nine years in my 20s.

[1437] I just knew myself.

[1438] I was like, if this is an expectation, it's not going to happen.

[1439] In any rate, though, when I was 32, I was like, I kind of flipped.

[1440] If I had, if I had given you a top 10 things I was looking for in a partner at 29, When I hit 32, I almost like flipped it upside down.

[1441] I was like, okay, hotness, fun.

[1442] Mind you, Kristen's all those things.

[1443] I was going to say, Kristen is, I, you know, and I'm not one of this people like, I laugh at that.

[1444] I'm not a false compliment, ever, I'm not, whatever.

[1445] I, when I worked with your wife, I literally was like, this woman is like so smart, so funny, but down to earth, so grounded.

[1446] I literally, and I worked with a lot of people.

[1447] I don't know and she's someone like we just hit it off like gangbusters and we only hung out really briefly on that and we really bonded and then she'll be the first to tell you she's really attracted to alphas so like I think she was very drawn to you because she's like oh I get it okay great she's in charge Andrea is in charge but yes when you see Kristen on a set you almost think oh someone this nice isn't supposed to succeed there's almost been like a glitch in the matrix you can't be kind can you and still end up somewhere Aaron.

[1448] She just had, yeah, she was just one of those people that was just like, she has everything and is still just a cool normal person.

[1449] She is.

[1450] But when I met her, there were things that had I still had the one through 10, it wouldn't, I wouldn't have picked her.

[1451] But I flipped it.

[1452] And then the bottom half of that list ended up increasing over time.

[1453] Weirdly and ironically and counterintuitively.

[1454] But anyway, it's just fascinating how you, you end up getting the priorities you should probably always have.

[1455] But whatever.

[1456] I guess.

[1457] But it takes.

[1458] something, but I think in my case, like, I took like a jarring life event to put some stuff in perspective.

[1459] And I say this openly to my husband.

[1460] I'm like, I don't know if I would have appreciated you.

[1461] Uh -huh.

[1462] Out of that context.

[1463] In the beginning, out of that context.

[1464] Because he was more straight -laced, more, you know, I think in my head, I was like, oh, he wears a suit to work.

[1465] He's more straight.

[1466] Like, I'm more, well, let's be super honest.

[1467] Because I have this we have a girlfriend that we talk with a lot about her relationships and she'll go oh that guy's not funny enough or whatever and I'll and I'll just ask the question is it truly that he's not funny enough or is it your own ego needs the approval of someone you respect like is it is it really just I've identified this person's hysterical so if I can make them laugh I'm valuable and that's just probably not the greatest approach it's not something sustainable it isn't no and And also I found that not again, every funny comedy.

[1468] There's amazing, very well -adjusted and great comedy people that I love.

[1469] Will Ferrell, you mentioned.

[1470] But there are, there are people I know and love.

[1471] But also there are a, and I definitely there is something enticing about that being on that banter.

[1472] The roller coaster ride.

[1473] The roller coaster ride where it's just like, you're so, you know, making each other laugh.

[1474] But a lot comes with that too.

[1475] Oh, yeah.

[1476] A lot.

[1477] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1478] But it's, you know, it took a brain adjustment.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] And, you know.

[1481] Also, sometimes there's only room for one of those people in a relationship.

[1482] Well, that's the other thing is, you know.

[1483] You can't both be like, yeah, there's only one spotlight.

[1484] Although I know people who are both legitimately hilarious who are in wonderful relationships.

[1485] Like they've made it, they make it work somehow.

[1486] Yeah.

[1487] My thing was, it was the baby clock was ticking.

[1488] Like I didn't have the death thing.

[1489] But for me, I was, were you certain like I will have a kid before I leave?

[1490] Or would, did you?

[1491] Was that a slow?

[1492] I knew I wanted kids, but I will say I was like, okay, I worked really hard to get my career going.

[1493] Like it was very much a scary like, fuck.

[1494] Well, I'm just like, I had just done dog rights man. I just like, after that, sold a bunch of projects.

[1495] And then I did stepbrothers and stepbrothers was coming out and I was pregnant.

[1496] And you kind of had gotten brought into the Gary Sanchez.

[1497] They liked you.

[1498] And as you said, you went out on the road with them.

[1499] I did a comedy tour with him and a bunch of other comedy guys.

[1500] That's a hugely flattering group to be accepted into.

[1501] Yeah, I'd be kind of wanting to ride that out a little bit.

[1502] And it was, it was just like, how's my identity going to change?

[1503] And there is that fear, you know, I did come up through comedy in very much, which I'm trying to change in my head now, of that, like, compliment of like, oh, you're like one of the dudes.

[1504] You're the thing.

[1505] And I sit there and I am trying now to go, that doesn't, don't have that be.

[1506] the highest standard.

[1507] Actually, you know, you're kind of like a guy.

[1508] I always took that as sort of a compliment.

[1509] And then if somebody would call you feminine, it was like, fuck you.

[1510] And it's like, no, no, you can actually still be funny and still be feminine and still be a woman.

[1511] And that doesn't mean that you're lame.

[1512] Yeah, doesn't raising a daughter kind of put it into perspective in some way.

[1513] It's like, no, I want her to be celebrated for being exactly what she is, not.

[1514] A hundred percent.

[1515] But I was weirdly.

[1516] I went to a feminist all -girl school and I considered myself very strong a feminist, but it was through a lens that I didn't quite fully realize.

[1517] Well, subconsciously, you know, they are holding the position of power.

[1518] So if you're being told you're like them, you go, well, then power's the next, you know, whatever the thing is.

[1519] And it's accepted and you're accepted by the cool, you know, it was inevitably that was the cool crowd.

[1520] And there weren't a lot of women.

[1521] And guys are much funnier than women.

[1522] I think everyone would agree.

[1523] And then there's that.

[1524] There's that.

[1525] No. And in my world, there weren't as many women and groundlings.

[1526] The shows I got on, the movies I did were primarily all men.

[1527] Yeah.

[1528] So it wasn't until kind of later that I started to get a group of really funny women in my life.

[1529] But it was not until the past like eight, 10 years.

[1530] And did you in general get along with women all through your 20s and 30?

[1531] Yeah.

[1532] But they just weren't around that much.

[1533] They just weren't at the comedy clubs as much.

[1534] It was mostly men.

[1535] Yeah, it was probably one in ten or twelve.

[1536] One in ten or twelve.

[1537] You know, so everything I did, I had girlfriends and lots and I always got along with women, but it just wasn't, there weren't a lot of us around me. And then I think right after me, like in New York at UCB, there were a lot of amazing hilarious women.

[1538] Yeah, I feel like polar leather movement.

[1539] She did.

[1540] I really do.

[1541] And I feel like now I have a lot of contemporaries who are like five years younger than I am, three years younger than I'm and below who are fucking hilarious women who I am very happy to call my friends but I didn't have that so it was very much like I'm going to have this baby and then what's going to happen and part of it came true part of it I will say after I had my daughter it was suddenly all my guy friends that I would shoot the shit with and hang out with all the time suddenly were like how's the baby how's mom well had you been cast as a regular and something and then you got pregnant during it and then you got bumped to whatever.

[1542] I couldn't do it.

[1543] Party down.

[1544] Party down.

[1545] I had done the pilot.

[1546] When it got picked up, we had done this little pilot for Rob Thomas and it was kind of like he had done it on his own because he wanted to like do exactly what he wanted to do and then shop it around.

[1547] And it was being shopped around.

[1548] And then in that time period, between that I did stepbrothers and had just sold, I think two other shows like projects, whatever.

[1549] And then I just got pregnant.

[1550] And then he called and was like, oh my God, it got picked up.

[1551] And I was like, I'm pregnant.

[1552] And he was like, well, when are you do?

[1553] And it was like, oh, I'm doing March.

[1554] He's like, we don't start shooting until January.

[1555] And you're the love interest.

[1556] So it was just like, can't do it.

[1557] And then, of course, that show ended up being like the coolest best show.

[1558] And that was like, oh, okay?

[1559] Yeah, that's rough.

[1560] And it was like, okay, here we go.

[1561] And then here we don't go.

[1562] Here we don't go.

[1563] And I will say it was hard.

[1564] Suddenly, I was not thought of like the funny girl to hang around with anymore.

[1565] yeah and it took a lot of work to recharge recharge back how many years was that a two year thing a one year thing uh i would say longer than that i kept working and i kept selling stuff like it was the kind of thing where every year i'd sell a show to develop and then i would do and be in a pilot and wouldn't go and go so it was a lot of like those heart breaks over and over of putting your heart and soul into something and then it not going and a lot of seasons of that and i also you know love being a mom and my daughter's like I know people say but truly the best thing in my life and all of that but it was hard I was feeling like okay well I guess I'm now it's just mom rolls coming my way yeah oh yeah yeah and they're not well written and they're not nuanced and they're not funny they're to drive someone else's story and it was that or like a cougarie boss you know and it was hard so how did you get your show um I will say I after I think I think my seventh show that I'd sold didn't go yeah I was like you know what I'm not developing another script and I was like I am going to do a show where I basically I have funny stories that I want to tell and I have a certain tone and it's edgier and it's a version of me that shows a nuanced mom who's still dirty and edgy but also trying to still be a good person but has a good marriage like all these things.

[1566] and I'm going to shoot something and I'm going to shop it after the fact.

[1567] I'm going to shoot it and I'm not going to develop the script.

[1568] And I just sort of willed it kind of to happen and I, you know, called on a lot of friends to be in it.

[1569] So Judy Greer was in it and Jason Mansookas was in it.

[1570] Well, I was going to say he was in it.

[1571] And he was just in here and boy, do I have a crush on him now.

[1572] What a, he's great.

[1573] What a sweetheart.

[1574] And he's, you know, you kind of call in all your favors.

[1575] And then June Squib, who I didn't know, I wrote her like a blind letter and she came and did it like for the prison like just for something I was shooting and Judith Light did the same thing and they came and did it for free and shot 14 minutes of what ended up being a lot of what the first episode was and then shopped it around once it was you can't buy it and then try to turn it into something else you can't whatever this is what it is now this is a dangerous question and I ask this is the last one I'll ask you So knowing that we were one time under the control of a cult willingly and happily, and by the way, some of my happiest moments of life in that cult.

[1576] Yeah, yeah.

[1577] Do you ever question that we're still in one?

[1578] Like when I hear you say, well, I have the thing I dreamt of and it's incredibly time consuming and it's a ton of work.

[1579] Do you ever sometimes go like, oh boy, I guess I'm still in a cult because what is it?

[1580] am I doing?

[1581] I don't think I do.

[1582] Okay.

[1583] I don't think I feel like I'm an occult.

[1584] I do feel like I appreciated season one to such a high level, even though I was tired beyond I've ever been tired.

[1585] Um, because I was like, you know what?

[1586] I've been on the other side of this.

[1587] And as someone, when this is happening as a woman and you're, when you're over 40.

[1588] Mm -hmm.

[1589] Yeah, you're aware of how.

[1590] Of how special it is.

[1591] Yeah.

[1592] And it's been so, it's not been a big show.

[1593] It just came out on Netflix recently and it's really like launched again.

[1594] And it's been like in the top 20 shows every week on Netflix.

[1595] Oh, that's great.

[1596] Even though it's not marketing stuff.

[1597] So it's really getting a big word of mouth and the people who know the show like love it.

[1598] And it's it's just been like so affirming of going this doesn't people.

[1599] Sort of it was the idea of like if you haven't really made it by the time you're 40 as a woman like okay, you'll keep working.

[1600] But nothing that exciting is going to happen.

[1601] Yes.

[1602] And to have like that I was able to do this and really it is my vision and really do it.

[1603] Because you're 62.

[1604] People don't realize that about me. I'm actually, actually 63.

[1605] Oh, you just turned 63.

[1606] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1607] We're in February already.

[1608] Yeah, yeah, I aligns.

[1609] I'm 58.

[1610] No, I guess what I meant.

[1611] But I see what you're saying.

[1612] I guess what I meant is, and again, I've had the great fortune of getting to make three movies that are exactly what I wanted them to be.

[1613] I did that.

[1614] That's great.

[1615] I now the ego has separated pretty, I think, healthily from the doc.

[1616] It's kind of like, oh, the idea of needing to be in a show that people talk about or that my peers watch, all those things are starting to mean less and less as I see the end approaching and I have two little kids.

[1617] So for me, I guess what I'm saying is my own self -inflicted cult of prestige, recognition, cachet, all these things that I definitely coveted and valued I have in the last three years kind of started to look at carefully and go like.

[1618] what is that yeah and then what and then I die and then yeah you know what is all this is it all as important as I think it is and I don't that's a depressing thought no but I don't think that's what drove me before like fame or recognition that's not why I got into it I can truly honestly but what about cashet like being being respected by my peers yes that has been a big thing for me because I felt like behind the scenes I was always very respected by my peers and then I had that instance where like oh I was maybe ahead of people and working more and then stopped and had my baby and then all these people who were sort of not as advanced in their career started skyrocketing past me and then suddenly it was like oh her oh yeah remember she used to be fun and it was like oh I know I've worked just as hard and so that has driven me some But honestly, it really, I think because it happened later in life when I was doing this, it really was like, I just want to make the show I'm fucking proud of.

[1619] I think the one thing that I am realizing is contentment is not for me. Like I do get driven by being slightly agitated and like, well, no, I want to fucking show how this is done.

[1620] Like contentment doesn't breed happiness necessarily.

[1621] or productivity.

[1622] I definitely am more productive when I'm a little angsty and a little feeling like I'm not getting to do what I want to do and that kind of stuff.

[1623] You did just make me think of something funny, which is when I did this movie is a thorough and there's a cute little boy Josh Hutcherson and this cute little girl, Kristen Stewart, no one knew either of them and like four years later I was like, sweet, so she's got this vampire franchise and he's got this hunger game things, great, this is good for them.

[1624] They're both making 30, 40 million this year.

[1625] That's great, those little kids that I horse around with them.

[1626] But at least when they're that young, you're like, well, that's different.

[1627] But when it's sort of like your peer, and they deserve it and that kind of stuff.

[1628] But yeah, I would say that's sort of my thing is I'm not probably meant to be the like contented, just like, yeah, let's just chill.

[1629] That's a good thing to know about yourself and admit about yourself.

[1630] Yeah.

[1631] So when does season two come out?

[1632] January 9th.

[1633] January 9th.

[1634] On True TV.

[1635] On True TV.

[1636] It's streaming on Netflix, season one right now.

[1637] And season two will come out after we finish airing it on True TV.

[1638] Well, Andrea, I love you.

[1639] And I'm delighted that you have continued to work and get to do your own stuff and kept writing.

[1640] And just we did not let it kill us.

[1641] And again, it gave me a tremendous jolt of joy to bump into you at the airport.

[1642] I know.

[1643] In a time where you were not.

[1644] having a lot of joy.

[1645] Right, I was in route to something.

[1646] It's a mugly business, but it was so nice to see you, and I hope I bump into you more and more.

[1647] And any airport around the country, I'm happy to.

[1648] Great.

[1649] We'll schedule it.

[1650] It is really weird.

[1651] You expect to see someone at JFK or LAX, but to have.

[1652] It was in Portland.

[1653] We're walking through the food court in Portland and to see you as it was really.

[1654] Yeah, it was like, I was like, wait.

[1655] I almost felt like, am I seeing a famous person?

[1656] You know what I'm saying?

[1657] You have that weird feeling of like.

[1658] I'm like, oh, I know.

[1659] Oh, no, I don't.

[1660] Why would I say this person?

[1661] Why would not?

[1662] Why would I say hi to this person?

[1663] But in fact, I knew you.

[1664] Yeah, no. I know.

[1665] Yeah, that was nice.

[1666] It's very nice to see you.

[1667] Yeah, nice to see you.

[1668] Again, you're holding up with gangbusters.

[1669] I'm really proud of that for you.

[1670] Thanks.

[1671] Thanks.

[1672] You don't look at day over 38.

[1673] Oh, trying to hold it together.

[1674] All right.

[1675] Good luck to you.

[1676] Thank.

[1677] Everyone watch.

[1678] I'm sorry.

[1679] On Netflix, catch up before January 9th.

[1680] and then you know hit the ground running yeah all right love you love you buddy and now my favorite part of the show the fact check with my soulmate monica padman oh won't you check my facts tonight oh won't you tell me if i was right oh making sure it all checks out fact checking girl you make the armchair world go round do do dee do dee do dee do dee do dee guess who's that's from who?

[1681] I'll give you a hint Wobbywop He's a perfect fucking 10 Charles Charles Curtis submitted that Charlie That was my favorite one It was?

[1682] I knew you guys were circling each other Oh Charlie Curtis This is such a slow burn I love it.

[1683] I love it.

[1684] Thanks, Charlie.

[1685] Thanks for taking the time to send us some songs.

[1686] A perfect 10 -level fact -check song.

[1687] Wouldn't expect anything less.

[1688] I wouldn't.

[1689] Great.

[1690] Great, great, great.

[1691] So, Andrews Savage.

[1692] So let's talk.

[1693] Sure, let's talk.

[1694] How's your day?

[1695] Well, it was long as I was just lamenting.

[1696] God, I have a gratitude problem sometimes.

[1697] You said it your New Year's resolution is going to be stop complaining.

[1698] You're right.

[1699] In 2019, I'm going to try to stop complaining.

[1700] Yeah.

[1701] It's a problem for me. And it's very, now that I've assessed that it's an issue, and of course, I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I do it.

[1702] First of all, I think it's just a pattern my family has.

[1703] Yep.

[1704] You know?

[1705] And then the other aspect of it is I think I feel guilty for how lucky my life is.

[1706] That's what it is.

[1707] Yeah, it's very lucky.

[1708] So when good things happen to me, I'll try to put like a negative spin on it, so it doesn't seem like I'm a fucking brat.

[1709] Yeah, but all that ends up doing is making my memory of things tainted.

[1710] It also doesn't achieve the thing that you think you're achieving.

[1711] It doesn't make people think like, oh, actually that does sound kind of shitty.

[1712] They're like, oh, this person is not grateful.

[1713] Yeah, it's all together counterproductive.

[1714] But it's also sometimes necessary to complain.

[1715] It's not good to keep all your complaints to yourself.

[1716] and let them fester.

[1717] What if I just assign a pillow at home and then I put my mouth in the pillow and complain for like 10 minutes?

[1718] Well, that count is not breaking my resolution.

[1719] Yeah, you can try that.

[1720] I don't think it's going to work.

[1721] I thought of an interesting tool to help me achieve my resolution as I thought, because I'm going to complain.

[1722] There's just no way.

[1723] So I was thinking every time I complain, I have to put like $500 in a jar.

[1724] and then at the end of the year I donate that to a good cause.

[1725] Oh, that's great.

[1726] That's a good idea, right?

[1727] Every time you complain, you're going to put $500?

[1728] I do not like partying with $500, so I feel like it would be a great motivator for me. Some charity's going to get a lot of money.

[1729] Oh, you think so?

[1730] You don't think...

[1731] I think you're going to do a great job, but I think in a year you're going to at least complain 10 times.

[1732] Oh, minimally.

[1733] Right.

[1734] Yeah, someone's getting five grand.

[1735] 19 for sure.

[1736] That's what I'm saying.

[1737] No question about that.

[1738] I once knew an agent who he had made a New Year's resolution.

[1739] I think his was when he, not to talk bad about people, which by the way, another great resolution.

[1740] Great one.

[1741] I don't think I can tackle that in 19 and not complain.

[1742] It's a lot.

[1743] But when he did it, he had a rubber band on his wrist and he would transfer it to the other wrist.

[1744] And again, I don't know what the end goal was.

[1745] It really was a visual indicator that he had done it.

[1746] and then he had to move the thing over to the hand.

[1747] That's interesting.

[1748] Yeah, that was interesting.

[1749] Did the hair tie have spikes on it?

[1750] No, it wasn't a hair shirt, hair tie, or anything like that.

[1751] What's a hair shirt?

[1752] A hair shirt is this shirt they made in medieval times that was made of coarse hair.

[1753] And when you put it on it, it cut you and scratch you and was itchy.

[1754] And it was just altogether torturous to have the thing on.

[1755] Oh, I didn't know that.

[1756] And that's why Nate Tuck made a movie called Hair Shirt.

[1757] Well, you're right.

[1758] I was going to say, no, he made a movie called Too Smooth, but they actually changed it from hair shirt to too smooth.

[1759] Right.

[1760] I'll never forget that.

[1761] You'll never as long as you live.

[1762] Yep.

[1763] Oh, wow.

[1764] Okay.

[1765] I just meant, did he have spikes on his hair tie?

[1766] Kind of like a, um, in, in like old biblical times where they had to like flagealate.

[1767] Is that what they call it?

[1768] Yeah, I think.

[1769] Flagellate.

[1770] Flagellance is, we know that.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] Flogging.

[1773] Oh, flogging is maybe what I mean.

[1774] Yeah, but I think you're right, flagration.

[1775] Yeah, there's something.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] It's a scary word to be saying over and over again because I feel like you could trip up and say the Fag word.

[1778] Oh.

[1779] That's what's making me nervous about.

[1780] I'm nervous about the fact that accidentally just saying farting.

[1781] Oh, that's fine.

[1782] Okay.

[1783] Well, anyway.

[1784] That's a good idea.

[1785] I like that resolution and I think you're going to do a great job.

[1786] Oh, thank you.

[1787] At my resolution is sort of similar.

[1788] Oh, it is.

[1789] What's yours?

[1790] When people say, how are you?

[1791] How are things to not respond with that?

[1792] Great, I'm really busy.

[1793] Oh, yeah, so that's a similar thing.

[1794] It's similar, but it's, it's not.

[1795] I mean, the reason I'm stopping is because I'm afraid it's coming off similarly.

[1796] But that's not what I mean when I say it.

[1797] I'm not saying, I'm never like, I'm so busy.

[1798] Right, like you're not complaining.

[1799] No, I'm just saying like, oh, it's great.

[1800] I'm, I'm really busy.

[1801] And I mean that, like, in a good way because being busy is good.

[1802] And I always make sure I say that in this sentence, like, really busy doing this, doing this.

[1803] It's all good things.

[1804] But I just want to stop saying that.

[1805] Sounds a little bit like a complaint.

[1806] No, I mean, right, you could think it is.

[1807] People could think it is.

[1808] And I just also.

[1809] Aren't that busy.

[1810] I'm not busy at all.

[1811] I'm not doing anything.

[1812] my days are pretty free um no i you're quite busy you know let someone else say it for you that's by the way well i don't need that to eat either from now on when we're ever we're together and someone says how you doing monica and you'll say oh i'm doing great and i'll go she's busy they'll say how you didn't monke he was like she's busy she's too busy to answer that um no also i lost my leg last week and i love it i'm so much lighter that's what i'm that's the other thing like you're allowed to complain a little bit.

[1813] Okay.

[1814] I guess there's, I know what one is a little bit pathological or destructive.

[1815] Yeah.

[1816] Because if I get like a speeding ticket on the way home.

[1817] Yeah.

[1818] I'm going to have to say that.

[1819] I'm going to just hide all the.

[1820] I do think it's going to affect my thinking though and my perception of the world.

[1821] I think if I'm always, like if something good happens to me, my instincts to almost figure out some little bad thing about it so that no one thinks I'm too spoiled.

[1822] Uh -huh.

[1823] So I'm really just looking for the bad thing and everything because I know I'm going to have to repeat it.

[1824] Yeah.

[1825] And that's not the way to do it.

[1826] Yeah, you're right.

[1827] Yeah.

[1828] I think that's a noble cause.

[1829] When I say I'm busy, I'll put $500 in a jar.

[1830] And then at the end of the year, I'll donate to your noble cause of not complaining.

[1831] Oh, my goodness.

[1832] Maybe I should give you the money.

[1833] Maybe we can get out of this with a net zero loss and still have put $500 in a jar often.

[1834] I'll call you and be like, could you?

[1835] say you're busy a few times because I really just I complained quite a bit this weekend I found a brick of gold in my ass and I just told everyone how uncomfortable it was Andrea Andrea Savage yeah would you discover so she said well we talk about dentistry and do you claim that it has one of the highest suicide rates and then she said also she thought maybe one of the higher drug addiction rates in professional doctoring out of all these professions okay the dental field is considered extremely competitive and requires significant technical skill to deliver optimal oral care like doctors dentists work in a field that is ripe with stress from working long hours and complaints from patients researchers suggest that dentists are nearly 1 .67 times as likely to commit suicide compared to an average job my problem Almost twice as likely.

[1836] But what's an average job?

[1837] Actor, director, writer.

[1838] Yeah, that's your average job.

[1839] I think on this, it said doctors were even above dentists.

[1840] For suicide.

[1841] Yeah.

[1842] But I just have, like, all this research I was doing, and none of it felt very conclusive to me because, like, they're not saying, like, compared to construction workers or compared to, like, what are they comparing it to?

[1843] Lawyers.

[1844] Like, I don't know.

[1845] Well, do you think they just took the suicide rate among Dennis, and then they took the suicide rate of the population?

[1846] Maybe.

[1847] And it was 1 .6 times higher.

[1848] Maybe.

[1849] And they just know those other people have some other occupation.

[1850] So let's just call it your general job.

[1851] Yeah.

[1852] Then they should say, then the general population, because that's not really correct.

[1853] Right.

[1854] Anyway, it seems like there's enough.

[1855] People who are habitually unemployed kill themselves often as well.

[1856] I would think so.

[1857] I mean, I would just guess.

[1858] I would think so.

[1859] Yeah.

[1860] My thought about why Dennis killed off themselves with such frequency and regularity is that they are both doing a job that's incredibly tedious.

[1861] Mm -hmm.

[1862] Like what if your whole workspace for your job was three inches by four inches?

[1863] Sure.

[1864] Just think about that.

[1865] Some people would really get off.

[1866] on that sexually yeah no yes no like bondage people no people get a high off of that of like completing something like your sister has that I think she really she's a picker we used to call her a picker growing up and she when if if we have like knots in a necklace or something she likes getting them out she's the first stop for that kind of thing she should maybe be a dentist yeah I'll pitch that to her when we get home great but yeah just to have your whole world, your whole professional world exist in this tiny little cave that's poorly lit, generally smells, people aren't there because their teeth are fucking gray.

[1867] They're not there to be judged for a great teeth contest.

[1868] Well, it's like what I say about proctologists.

[1869] It's not only just that you look at butts, which is a bummer, but you also look at people who thought I need to go see the proctorologist.

[1870] It's not like they're just looking at healthy butts all day and then one in ten has, you know, That's a fissure, a hemorrhoid, a dood.

[1871] A dood.

[1872] You know, you're seeing people that have a broken rectum or anus or something.

[1873] That's true.

[1874] So it's a double whammy.

[1875] I would say the dentist is not that because people are supposed to be going to the dentist regularly.

[1876] They are, but I would like to know how many people, what percentage of the population is just there for their yearly checkup and what percentage is like, oh my God, my mouth hurts so bad.

[1877] I can't even think there's this weird smell in there.

[1878] I mean, I just got to imagine it's not great.

[1879] One of my theories was that just that the workspace is too tiny.

[1880] Correct.

[1881] Then secondly, in general, people hate what you're doing to them.

[1882] That's true.

[1883] That's what they say here, complaints from patients.

[1884] Yeah, but that to me, complaints from patients felt a little misleading like malpractice, like complaints for errors.

[1885] But I think people just in general, they don't even want to go see you.

[1886] They have anxiety about it.

[1887] They're mad to see you.

[1888] Yeah.

[1889] And then they hate what you're doing to their mind.

[1890] mouth.

[1891] The whole thing's thankless.

[1892] But to me, this is dentist's privilege because you check your dental privilege.

[1893] I'm just kidding.

[1894] But actually, like, dental hygienists are the ones doing all the work.

[1895] The dentist comes in.

[1896] And preach.

[1897] And it's always a woman.

[1898] It's always a woman.

[1899] And then the man Dennis comes in.

[1900] Yeah, for three seconds.

[1901] She's done all the work.

[1902] He says bite down.

[1903] And he takes all the credit.

[1904] then he kills himself like he did something crazy well that's maybe a new element is that we didn't even think of is that he feels fraudulent because he's not even doing anything we're just want to say we're we're we're in dangerous territory because if we go to the dentist and the dentist has heard this he's going to fuck our mouse up and he's going to poke well he's going to do that scalen not to worry I don't go to the dentist nor do I nor do I do you really not because I really don't okay I used to go twice a year as you're supposed to go and then I moved out here and I didn't go right and life carried on just fine right but for a few years I would still go when I went home I would like when I went home I would like make the appointment and go yeah and mom was like you need to just get a dentist in L .A and I was like oh fine mom and then I didn't so and that was eight years ago lost her yeah you want well I think I told you know this story that Kristen was really on me. You got to get checked up.

[1905] You got to get checked up.

[1906] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1907] I'm like, my teeth are great.

[1908] And I finally went.

[1909] It had been, I think, eight years since I had been prior.

[1910] Yeah.

[1911] And I promise I did not lead the witness.

[1912] I said to the doctor, Dr. King.

[1913] Mm -hmm.

[1914] I said, Doc, if you had to guess when my last checkup was, when do you think it was?

[1915] And he said, well, you know, you had a mild tartar buildup.

[1916] And he goes, I don't think you were here six months ago.

[1917] But I also don't think it's been a year.

[1918] Wow.

[1919] And I was elated.

[1920] And I came home and shrugged her nose in that.

[1921] Sure.

[1922] Sure.

[1923] Here's another thing that's going to really gross people out and lose me a lot of friends.

[1924] Okay.

[1925] And you know this about me. I don't floss.

[1926] Oh, I know that about you.

[1927] And I'll tell you why.

[1928] Well, and your rationale is all wrong.

[1929] It is not all wrong.

[1930] Yes, it is.

[1931] When I do floss, there's nothing there.

[1932] I see other people floss, and there's junk on it.

[1933] They need to floss.

[1934] There's Debris, flotsam and jetsam.

[1935] Ew.

[1936] And I have very tight teeth.

[1937] They're very snug.

[1938] It's like the bricks of Machu Picchu.

[1939] They don't even understand how it's sticking together without mortar.

[1940] That's my teeth, Monica.

[1941] I can barely get a piece of floss in there.

[1942] And when I do, there's nothing in there.

[1943] It's a waste of everyone's time.

[1944] The floss is time, my tea's time, my time.

[1945] No. Yes.

[1946] No, you're wrong.

[1947] It's not about getting stuff out, but it's about gum health.

[1948] It's not about just getting plaque out.

[1949] It's about for your gum.

[1950] Right, but it's for your periodontal health.

[1951] But what's causing the regression of the gums is a lot of bacteria, buildup, gunk, flotsam, Jetsam and Debris.

[1952] And so I don't have that to cause the, the gum issues.

[1953] All right.

[1954] Okay.

[1955] I don't have gingeritis.

[1956] All these things you want to accuse me of.

[1957] Yet.

[1958] Yeah.

[1959] You know who loves dental health?

[1960] Who?

[1961] My father.

[1962] Oh.

[1963] He's very into dental health.

[1964] Ashok loves dental health.

[1965] He's very, he's very disciplined.

[1966] Well, he would have got along great with my, well, that's weird.

[1967] my father said at least twice a week be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you and you didn't listen well no he he had um veneers so he had no business saying that but well no he's he is he does have a business he's saying look at what happens if he's a cautionary tale it was never phrased that way it was more like if you want to set a shiny pearly whites like this be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you he mostly said it to children when we met children because it's kind of a cute play on words yeah it is So anyway Anyway Also there's no evidence that there's a higher rate of drug addiction Oh there's not No I looked at multiple things that said no That would be hard to know because they would have to admit to that And I would imagine that puts their license in jeopardy So they're very incentivized to lie about that As are most people to be honest Okay Separ actors You said I was an alcoholic Speaking of addiction.

[1968] I'm not.

[1969] We don't think.

[1970] You think I am.

[1971] No. No, I think you're right on the edge.

[1972] You certainly like it more than most.

[1973] I don't think more than most.

[1974] Do you?

[1975] Yeah.

[1976] I think if we were looking at a bell curve, you would be in the like 70 percentile.

[1977] See, I think this is a symptom of this thing what you do.

[1978] Now you've created a narrative about me where I like Moscow mules and I drink wine and I do all this stuff that's like fun for us to say and do but it's not like that true I'm basing this solely on what you've told me like you'll go oh I drink five nights a week no not you said that to me in the past and I and I thought oh yeah that's someone who likes drinking like let's just say maybe the quote normal person might drink one of the nights on the weekend I don't think that's true you don't No. No. I think your average person has wine at least three times a week.

[1979] Really?

[1980] I think so.

[1981] Look, again, I'm all for it.

[1982] I think what you're doing is fantastic.

[1983] I'm not accusing you of judging me. I'm just telling you.

[1984] And I want you to even drink maybe a little more.

[1985] I think you can get away with a little bit more drinking.

[1986] So if you really thought I was an alcoholic, you or on the edge.

[1987] No, no, no, no, no. I don't think you're an alcoholic.

[1988] I don't think you're on the edge.

[1989] I think you enjoy drinking above the mean average of people who enjoy drinking.

[1990] Yeah, I don't think so.

[1991] Okay.

[1992] I think I'm probably dead average.

[1993] Okay.

[1994] Definitely not below average.

[1995] Right.

[1996] I don't know.

[1997] I mean, it's hard to say, like, if I'm just comparing to my friends, the people in my life.

[1998] That's what's Miss Lady.

[1999] That's hard to know.

[2000] Yeah.

[2001] It's how for years it didn't, well.

[2002] But I've also been in different groups of friends.

[2003] Like, if I'm comparing to like, my friends.

[2004] from home and then my friend's here, I feel like it's all the same.

[2005] Yeah.

[2006] You don't know.

[2007] I think five nights a week is on the more enthusiastic end of the spectrum.

[2008] But it's not, see, yes, you're right.

[2009] And that sounds like a lot.

[2010] But it's not like I'm drinking a lot every time.

[2011] It's like one glass of wine, one night.

[2012] One night, one glass.

[2013] The next night.

[2014] night two glasses and on Saturday five okay no one or two glasses of wine I don't really drink liquor anymore really unless I'm at a bar which is very rare right whatever I feel like you're not you're like tight -lipped over there really yeah that's all in your head I tell you everything I think within the bounds of law why what do you want to tell me that's not something i want to kill you oh you know like sometimes i want to like when you wrote that in your journal that you wanted to kill me that i wanted to kill you had a nightmare i said i want to kill you in my journal but yeah sometimes i think about killing you and then role playing with your corpse oh putting you in funny costumes tying you to a chair on railroad tracks you know the general stuff normal stuff yeah normal legal ideations something like that yeah it's fine everything is fine it's all fine you said that you watched a documentary about doctors in england trying to get MDMA legalized because the rate of the emergency room admissions um were much less than alcohol and then I asked you what that documentary was and you didn't know no clue so I couldn't substantiate that no fuck I know well you just came to trust me on this one.

[2015] Oh, it's hard for me to do.

[2016] I know because I've been wrong several times.

[2017] And I'm so definitive, you know, I was listening to a bit of the Conan one.

[2018] And I'm so definitive about that canceling thing.

[2019] I haven't convinced myself that I canceled day of for our days.

[2020] Oh, I know.

[2021] I know.

[2022] Yeah.

[2023] I know.

[2024] I knew it.

[2025] I knew it as soon as you said it.

[2026] You could feel it.

[2027] Because I also knew for sure that he would not have said that if he didn't know for a fact yeah like you don't accuse someone of something like that unless you know for a fact hopefully yeah okay tori spellings house you said was the biggest house in l .A maybe not anymore it the manor it's called the manor has a name also known as spelling manner is a mansion located in the homeby hills neighborhood of los angeles California.

[2028] That's where the Playboy Mansion is, by the way.

[2029] Homeby Hills.

[2030] You know, it's weird because it's Holmbee.

[2031] I know, but you kind of just swallow that L. Sure, sure.

[2032] Constructed in 1988 for television producer Aaron Spelling, it's the largest home in Los Angeles County.

[2033] Oh, and the whole county?

[2034] In steel?

[2035] Do we have a square footage on that prick?

[2036] Uh -huh.

[2037] 56 ,500 square feet.

[2038] Oh, my goodness.

[2039] 123 rooms 14 bedrooms oh my goodness 27 bathrooms oh my goodness so even you know it's funny as I said like where were the parents they might have been home oh they were definitely in another wing yeah you wouldn't even know 127 bedrooms like you don't even have to sneak out of your house just sneak down one of the hallways no one goes down and you you desire that right because we kind of talked about it before that sounds good to you right um no that sounds crazy okay but but I it sounds crazy but I it sounds crazy but I it sounds crazy but I it sounds crazy, I would never do that, but I do kind of like the idea.

[2040] I'd like to go there.

[2041] Well, listen, they had rooms for all these specific purposes.

[2042] That is a dream of mine.

[2043] So they had a humidity -controlled silver storage room, a flower -cutting room.

[2044] This is actually my dream, multiple gift -wrapping rooms.

[2045] Oh, yeah.

[2046] A barbershop.

[2047] Oh, my goodness.

[2048] In a room exclusively for...

[2049] A fat burger.

[2050] A room exclusively for Candy Spelling's doll collection.

[2051] Oh, my God.

[2052] And you know what's gross about that?

[2053] Candy was the mom.

[2054] I know.

[2055] Oh, my gosh, guys.

[2056] Guys, if your mom has a doll collection, just watch your back.

[2057] Anyway, isn't that cool, though?

[2058] If one of our...

[2059] Like, if my mother -in -law had a doll collection, absolutely not allowed to sleep in the house.

[2060] house with the girls.

[2061] That's really weird.

[2062] This is a double standard.

[2063] But for me, but the fact that she's a lady, it doesn't gross me out as much.

[2064] I know that's bad.

[2065] But if it's like a guy with a doll collection, that's very scary.

[2066] A guy with a doll collection.

[2067] Yeah, I don't like that.

[2068] A guy with a teddy bear collection.

[2069] Yeah.

[2070] We're spending a lot of time in the room with the teddy bears.

[2071] Yeah.

[2072] It's a horror movie.

[2073] Like putting Paddington Bears rain slicker on him.

[2074] Yeah, I don't love that.

[2075] You don't want that person around your children.

[2076] That's all I'm saying.

[2077] but I do want a gift wrapping room.

[2078] That's a dream of mine.

[2079] Yeah, it's called a fucking garage.

[2080] No, no, no, no. I put a space heater in there and get to rapping.

[2081] Like a caveman.

[2082] How dare you?

[2083] No. Your rap jobs are above the bar.

[2084] Thank you.

[2085] Yeah, they're pretty exceptional.

[2086] My WJs?

[2087] That would be more like, I wouldn't even call, if you had it, I wouldn't even call it a gift wrapping room.

[2088] I'd call it your art studio.

[2089] Oh, thank you.

[2090] is your rapping.

[2091] That's true.

[2092] It is my art. I don't love that you do that because it actually makes the gift recipient feel guilty.

[2093] Like when I get one of your beautifully wrapped presents, I go, I can't tear this open.

[2094] She's spent an hour on this.

[2095] That's your issue, not mine.

[2096] That's your issue for feeling guilty when somebody else is getting joy.

[2097] And what about when I'm tearing it to smithering?

[2098] Yeah, it breaks my heart.

[2099] I thought so.

[2100] I knew it did.

[2101] No, it doesn't.

[2102] I love it.

[2103] There's a store in Venice, California.

[2104] Okay.

[2105] Called, I forget what it's called.

[2106] Go on.

[2107] It's on Abbott Kinney.

[2108] And it's a beautiful store, and it has the most incredible wrapping paper and, like, pens.

[2109] And, oh, it's gorgeous in there.

[2110] And that's what I want in my house.

[2111] Okay.

[2112] Okay.

[2113] Was Charo Brazilian?

[2114] And did she say Houcci -Cucci?

[2115] Mm. Argentinian.

[2116] No. She's from Spain.

[2117] Oh, that's a bummer.

[2118] She's from Spain, and what she's saying is Koochikuchi.

[2119] Which is Pussy Pussy?

[2120] No, so, okay, so people think it's sexual.

[2121] It sounds sexual.

[2122] It does.

[2123] What Kucci Kucci came from is such a dis, this is her talking, Charo.

[2124] What Kucci Kucci came from is such a disappointment for everybody when they know because everyone thinks that it's sex, Kuchio.

[2125] Knife in Spanish, that was the name of her dog.

[2126] Okay.

[2127] He was a mix between a St. Bernard and a pit bull.

[2128] Okay.

[2129] And she called him coochy, coochy.

[2130] But you've heard women refer to their vaginas as their coochie or their cooch.

[2131] Yeah, but I think that maybe came from this.

[2132] Oh, okay.

[2133] Wow.

[2134] She started a movement.

[2135] She started to work.

[2136] We have to find out the first reported case of someone saying, don't grab my cooch.

[2137] It's a little skeptical because I guess there was also like a pelvic thrust when she would say it.

[2138] Oh, of course, in reference to her dog.

[2139] Yeah, but she says, okay, she says he'd have a problem in the back.

[2140] This is like Kavanaugh's saying three blind men is like a cocktail he's to have.

[2141] I'm not, I'm calling bullshit on this.

[2142] What is, yeah.

[2143] The dirty, the dirty triangle or something.

[2144] Devil's triangle was like a drink or something.

[2145] Beer bomb.

[2146] The pelvic thing also had to do with the dog.

[2147] It had nothing to do.

[2148] Enough of what she said.

[2149] She is full of fucking horseship.

[2150] She's saying that when she would fucking jam her pelvis forward it was somehow a nod to her pit bull st bernard mix something about and she'd go Gucci Gucci and pump her hips back and forth something about the dog wiggled or something and it wiggled in that way and so she had to do that so she's what she's saying is that her entire public persona is an imitation of her dog it's about her dog and you're saying you believe it you're on record yeah yeah famous listen I don't buy it.

[2151] Okay, you don't have to.

[2152] Okay.

[2153] I don't know what I think yet.

[2154] Any more information.

[2155] Is she with us still?

[2156] Yeah.

[2157] Oh, oh, yes.

[2158] Let's get her on the podcast.

[2159] I did a commercial years ago, a Burger King commercial, like when we auditioned, we knew there was two commercials and we were, you know, you get one or the other, and they were very similar, but they had different celebrities.

[2160] and my commercials with Snoop Dog.

[2161] Oh, right.

[2162] And the other celebrity was Charo.

[2163] Oh, and you got Snoop Dog?

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] Yeah.

[2166] Did he give you any rhythm?

[2167] I don't think so, no. You don't think so?

[2168] No. Although you're not great at detecting when guys are giving you rhythm.

[2169] I don't think he was.

[2170] Did he chat?

[2171] He was in and out quickly.

[2172] Okay.

[2173] He had a lot of his friends there.

[2174] He was so tall.

[2175] Yeah, he's very tall.

[2176] And I found him charming.

[2177] Yeah.

[2178] He's got a real swag.

[2179] to them.

[2180] Uh -huh.

[2181] Yeah.

[2182] Like, how charming did you think like, I'm kind of attracted to Snoot?

[2183] Sure.

[2184] Yeah.

[2185] I don't know if I thought that far, but I probably, I, yeah.

[2186] Yeah.

[2187] You had an availableness to you, maybe.

[2188] Maybe.

[2189] Were you wearing a burking outfit?

[2190] Of course.

[2191] Oh, that's rough.

[2192] That's really rough.

[2193] That is incredibly rough because it's really hard to flirt.

[2194] I wasn't flirting.

[2195] No, I didn't flirt.

[2196] But don't you think a lot of it was impacted by the fact that you were wearing the Burger King costume.

[2197] I was wearing, yeah, probably like a black polo and probably a bad hat.

[2198] Yeah, a visor.

[2199] And a name tag.

[2200] Maybe.

[2201] It's just, you know, when we talked about those times in your car where the right song comes on and you're in the right mood and you feel so sexy.

[2202] This is just the opposite of that.

[2203] Not one of those times.

[2204] Name tag, ill -fitting, pleaded pants.

[2205] But you should feel good because you are in a commercial, you're doing a commercial but yeah no no but you're in that outfit and you start feeling the way the outfit makes you that's kind of the magic of hair makeup and wardrobe working from the outside in yeah yeah they teach you that in acting school is a trick oh I wouldn't know I have no education that's it that's all hoochie coochy and the dentist coochy who didn't even coochy coochy that's it though all right well love you and thanks for that education on Charo.

[2206] You're welcome.

[2207] Love you.

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