MFM Minisode 112

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hey, this is exciting.

[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.

[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[5] Who killed Saz?

[6] And were they really after Charles?

[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[8] This season, murder hits close to home.

[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVey, Melissa McCarthy, DeVey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[15] Goodbye.

[16] Hello, and welcome.

[17] It's my favorite murder.

[18] It's the mini -sode episode.

[19] The little one.

[20] A little short one.

[21] made up of your emails that you send to us at my favorite murder gmail .com.

[22] That's it.

[23] Tell us your stories.

[24] We'll tell you other peoples right now.

[25] That's how we do it.

[26] Should I go first?

[27] Sure.

[28] Sounds great.

[29] I won't say the subject line.

[30] It'll give it away.

[31] Hey, George.

[32] Yes.

[33] Do you know I say hi Mimi to Mimi all the time now?

[34] Do you?

[35] Hi, Mimi.

[36] Maybe she just needs to be coaxed out of her, let's call it a personality rut that Mimi's in.

[37] Have you got her on the weed?

[38] We just got some CBD with just a smooch of THC in it.

[39] Fucking rub it all over.

[40] Shave her back and then rub it into her spine like she deserves.

[41] Give her a good massage.

[42] She won't be able to see it if you give her a reverse Mohawk on her back.

[43] George, I love you.

[44] No, you, George, I love you.

[45] Thank you.

[46] Hey, George.

[47] This happened to a friend of mine as she was moving from Long Beach to the Bay Area for school and as a poor college student chose to take a greyhound instead of a flight out.

[48] It was a late -night ride, and most people were fast asleep.

[49] She, however, was wide awake and noticed a younger man sitting a couple rows away, who sent all of her red flags high into the sky.

[50] He was talking to himself and obviously debating with someone, but that someone was not there.

[51] An hour later, the man stands up, solemnly, walks to the front of the bus and jams a pair of scissors in the neck of the bus driver.

[52] What?

[53] The bus driver begins to swerve to...

[54] bus left and right, left to right, trying to regain control, before ultimately rolling it, sending it onto its side.

[55] Oh, my God.

[56] After the mayhem, everyone crawled out and huddled along the wreckage looking for an answer, my friend looking for the man who was no longer there until they saw him in the moonlight, his shadowy figure hiding in the fields watching them.

[57] What the fuck?

[58] Now, I'm picturing this as the Highway 5, which is one of the creepiest.

[59] desolate yeah desolate like scary just healed shit yeah nowhere to hide there oh and then there's just the shadow of a man perhaps a large moon behind him and then of course the scissors in his hand um it took the police an hour to get to the wreck and they had to stand there in the cold hoping he wouldn't come back oh so the whole time waiting for the police oh my god they're just hoping scissors doesn't come back yeah luckily he didn't and was found in the fields and arrested.

[60] My beautiful friend is surprisingly well adjusted and a boss -ass bitch so I can only surmise this experience made her stronger.

[61] I, for one, would never use scissors ever again.

[62] Stay sexy and just book a flight, Nigel.

[63] I don't think it's the scissors problem.

[64] I think it's the Greyhounds problem.

[65] Yes.

[66] I think it's the freedom to walk around with scissors on Greyhound.

[67] On transportation.

[68] Why did they do that ad series encouraging people B -Y -O -S?

[69] Izzers.

[70] Why?

[71] It really was not well thought out now that when you really come down to it.

[72] Okay, this one's called I'm not going to tell you.

[73] Do you love me?

[74] I love you.

[75] Thank you.

[76] I got thrown off by this.

[77] Sorry.

[78] I know, it's okay.

[79] It was out of the blue.

[80] I love you too.

[81] Thank you.

[82] Hey, y 'all, so I'm friends with a woman whose friend lives in Chicago.

[83] Sounds sketchy, but it's real, I promise.

[84] There's no way her friend's friend lives in Chicago.

[85] There's no way.

[86] No one lives in Chicago.

[87] It's fucking bullshit.

[88] Her friend is our age, mid -20s, and has been using apps like Tinder and Bumble to try and meet her for keeps man. Uh -huh.

[89] That's a new saying.

[90] Is it?

[91] That's a new series.

[92] That's a new series on Netflix.

[93] Oh, my for keeps man. Gross.

[94] Gross.

[95] She tries to be smart about it and makes it clear.

[96] She's not just looking for a hookup, all that jazz.

[97] Anyway, so she'd messages, she'd been messaging this guy for a few weeks and they decided to meet up for a first real date.

[98] In Chicago, so they took public transportation to get there.

[99] And when the date was done, apparently went well.

[100] The guy recommended that they should share an Uber home so he could make sure she gets safe to her house back back.

[101] You know what I mean.

[102] Yes.

[103] Safe to her house back.

[104] Exactly.

[105] Okay.

[106] Okay.

[107] So she agrees.

[108] He takes her home, walks her to her apartment and sees she safely punches in before they say goodbye.

[109] No. I see what she did wrong here.

[110] Yep.

[111] Got it.

[112] Let me walk you safely up to your keypad and watch you securely get yourself inside.

[113] Let me see where you put your hide a key and safely get you in.

[114] Well, this girl gets home from work the next day and notices her dog is going crazy and her bedroom door is closed.

[115] She lives alone and she never shuts her bedroom door.

[116] So this fell off.

[117] Because her dog is going next, she decides to take him out before going to her room to chain.

[118] Good idea.

[119] And she's just got this gut feeling, you know?

[120] Yeah.

[121] While she's taking the dog out, she calls 911 and says she knows it sounds stupid but she thinks something might be wrong in her apartment.

[122] And can they send someone to check it out?

[123] the police get there and in her room under her bed is her Tinder date with a freaking knife With a knife He had walked her to a door Seeing the punch code to get in the building And broke into her apartment the next day This sounds like that show That show your mom warned you Yes That show all the things you're doing wrong Yes They found his car parked behind the building With trash bags You Is that what you meant?

[124] You yes You?

[125] Yes.

[126] I was going to say her, but that's not it.

[127] You.

[128] They found his car parked behind the building with trash bags, duct tape, and rope inside.

[129] This motherfucker was going to kill her.

[130] Thankfully, this boss bitch trusted her guy, stayed sexy and didn't get murdered.

[131] They, of course, arrested the guy, but it hasn't got to trial yet.

[132] Don't know what they can really get you for here, but that has a decent prison sentence.

[133] Fucking true.

[134] But hopefully he'll be in jail for a long time.

[135] Stay sexy and get a warning dog, Julia.

[136] I mean, I feel like, yes, of that stuff in your car is not good.

[137] But I think being under a bed with a knife is everything you need to know about that guy.

[138] It's the trash bags that's incriminating.

[139] That's true because he's too clean and it doesn't make sense.

[140] Do you ever do, like if you walked in and you're like, I don't close my bedroom door, but like that's too much to call the cops about.

[141] Okay, I'm going to tell you a story and I'm going to try to tell you the shortest version of this.

[142] I came home from Sacramento so after I flunked out of college moved back to Petaluma with my parents.

[143] They didn't want me there.

[144] Right.

[145] My mother made it very clear.

[146] She's like, you got to go be an adult.

[147] This is gross.

[148] So off times, I would go and go to Sacramento where all my friends still lived for like the weekend.

[149] And on this particular weekend, there were drugs involved.

[150] When I came home, I was definitely coming down off of some drugs.

[151] Home alone and making a plan to go meet my friend, blow drying my hair.

[152] The cat starts going crazy.

[153] Now, we had a cat that was weird.

[154] Yeah.

[155] very human she was very odd yeah she was standing at my parents in my she kept darting around and doing these things like she could hear things and i was just like what are you doing and i had the blow dryer that's a cat's name that cat was named mama kitty we didn't name her that okay she showed up her house i just want to know what i'm talking about the longest story in the world this was a this was a cat that showed up at her house five times the family came and picked it up four times and on the fifth time they were like it's your cat i love it mama Kitty chose you.

[156] Mama Kitty chose my mom because we moved out to go to college.

[157] Soon I was back.

[158] And she was like, great.

[159] And I was like, it's my cat too.

[160] So, so, and that's also the cat, I'll just skip to the end, that when that cat started really doing weird, like seizing up and doing stuff, my mom took her to the vet.

[161] The vet was like, she's riddled with cat cancer.

[162] You can, you can put her down.

[163] It'll cost this much money.

[164] My mom goes, don't worry about it.

[165] I'm a registered nurse.

[166] My mom puts.

[167] No. My mom puts some kind of, like, she heard it from her friend.

[168] So she puts some kind of tranquilizer, like human or horse, something in the cat.

[169] Ketamine.

[170] She basically is like killing the cat off with her own pills.

[171] Oh, my God.

[172] The cat.

[173] And she feeds the food to the cat.

[174] She cries, pets the cat for the last time.

[175] The cat goes to sleep.

[176] She goes upstairs, takes a nap, comes back down, the cat's gone.

[177] She looks outside.

[178] The cat is playing in the backyard in a way she's never seen before.

[179] Oh, she's never paid.

[180] Didn't die It was just like I'm high as a kite So Cut back to the night Where I am coming down And just trying to relax Blow drying my hair Cat This is before she was sick Freaking out And doing like Darding around And flinching Mimi does that Then I look And my parents Walk in closet door Is closed And I'm like Why would that be closed It's never closed So I go try it And someone pushes back On the other side I run downstairs In my like No shoes Your heart is barely dry.

[181] Jump in and the only place I know to go because everyone's out of town is my old next door neighbor, Andy Withington, who when we were tweens used to beat me up.

[182] I wake up Andy Withington.

[183] It's like 11 o 'clock at night.

[184] Please come and check my house.

[185] Him and his friend come and we fucking check the whole thing and then we look into my, like we check everywhere and then we go into my, he opens my parents walk in closet door.

[186] He's like, Karen, the door was stuck.

[187] There's nothing there.

[188] And I go, okay, we both look up.

[189] And the attic entrance was like, you know, the little square.

[190] The piece of wood was turned to the side.

[191] Like the person had gone.

[192] And then he.

[193] You're like, I fucking told you.

[194] And he goes, call the police, call the police.

[195] We fucking call the peddlema police.

[196] They show up literally two minutes later because there's nothing going on.

[197] And somebody, the first thing we see is a flashlight in the backyard.

[198] So we start screaming, but it's a cop.

[199] There was like eight cops surrounding the entire house.

[200] they walk through the entire house there's nobody fucking there it was all my drug problem wait the no one was up in the attic if somebody was in there they left while i went to get andy but there probably wasn't yeah yeah like i probably had been freaking out put the wrong way the whole time but i don't think so i know i don't think so either i don't think so okay okay my favorite murder sitter except karen georgia steven and believe Loved creatures.

[201] Cool.

[202] My mom was a single mom and a righteous badass, but she had some bad judgment.

[203] She was the first female police officer in our county, but had an inordinate fear of having her head submerged in water.

[204] To overcome this, she took scuba diving lessons and eventually volunteered to be on the water rescue team.

[205] Amazing.

[206] I know, right?

[207] That's so smart.

[208] Translation, diving for bodies.

[209] Mm -hmm.

[210] Fun.

[211] I bet you're super into having your head submerged in water now.

[212] one of the divers she met seemed like a great guy, patient, kind, great with kids.

[213] Somehow she decided he would be a great babysitter for me when she worked late nights.

[214] I will guess, because it doesn't say anywhere on here, but I would guess this is 1977.

[215] Totally.

[216] Yeah, totally.

[217] Fast forward about 15 years, Charles Stevenson, who I knew my whole life as Steve Stevenson, intrepid babysitter, beat a woman to death with a pepper grinder and a skillet.

[218] He needed money.

[219] They had been dating.

[220] And when she refused the loan, he decided to kill her.

[221] I was watching Investigation Discoveries Murder in the Heartland.

[222] And the very first episode was all about the murder.

[223] Oh, my God.

[224] Come to find out, he was also suspected in the death of his aunt and uncle as well.

[225] I called my mom and told her my babysitter was on Idea's premiere episode.

[226] And after verifying, she said, you just never really know someone, do you?

[227] And then she said, he thought you were hilarious.

[228] That's how we knew he was fucked up.

[229] Stay sexy and maybe put a little energy into picking a babysitter, Tanya, from Louisville.

[230] He thought you were hilarious.

[231] Honey, he loved you.

[232] He would have never.

[233] Oh, my God.

[234] Can you imagine.

[235] Mom, please don't get me killed.

[236] No. I'd really hope you'd try hard not to get me killed.

[237] Okay.

[238] Steve Stevenson.

[239] Steve and Charles.

[240] Stevenson.

[241] Hey, this is exciting.

[242] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.

[243] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives.

[244] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.

[245] Who killed Saz?

[246] And were they really after Charles?

[247] Why would someone want to kill Charles?

[248] This season, murder hits close to home.

[249] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.

[250] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.

[251] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.

[252] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?

[253] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.

[254] Only Martyrs in the Building premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.

[255] Goodbye.

[256] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[257] Absolutely.

[258] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?

[259] Exactly.

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[262] That's right.

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[264] Give your point of sales system a serious upgrade with Shopify.

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[267] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.

[268] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.

[269] Connect with customers in line and online.

[270] Do retail right with Shopify.

[271] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.

[272] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.

[273] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.

[274] That's Shopify .com slash murder.

[275] Goodbye.

[276] Okay.

[277] This is called Driving Off Cliffs.

[278] Yes.

[279] Aloha, MFM Ohana.

[280] Oh, Mahalo.

[281] Aloha.

[282] Let me start by saying thank you for visiting the Hawaiian Islands.

[283] Our pleasure.

[284] Not just part of your winter, spring tour, but also as your vacation destination.

[285] We love you here.

[286] We love you there too.

[287] Oh, my God.

[288] We couldn't love you more there.

[289] My story takes place in the late 80s in Ventura, California when I was a wide -eyed and impressionable seven -year -old.

[290] Somewhere along the way from Golita to Ventura, my aunt Rosanna drove off the highway, well, off a cliff and into the ocean.

[291] My late aunt was a junkie and had knotted off on her drive and plummeted into the Pacific.

[292] Don't do heroin.

[293] No. She was rescued out of the car and brought to the shore by a brave and anonymous bystander who disappeared after saving her.

[294] What?

[295] Amazing.

[296] It was Jesus.

[297] It was the Golden State killer.

[298] He went to Goleta and Ventura.

[299] That's what I thought this was going to be about.

[300] I know.

[301] I bet you it wasn't him.

[302] No, I bet it wasn't.

[303] I bet you he didn't do that.

[304] I bet you he just killed people.

[305] When officials pulled her out of the ocean, they noticed a child's car seat in the back and a diaper bag, but no baby.

[306] Where was my little cousin?

[307] Since my aunt was in the hospital, unconscious, no one knew where my little baby cousin was.

[308] From what I remember of this, my grandmother and family were so upset and frantically trying to find him.

[309] Total heartbreaking chaos.

[310] When my aunt came to, she remembered she left him with a friend.

[311] and she laughed the whole thing off and walked out of the hospital with nothing more than a broken arm.

[312] Heroin.

[313] I'm not saying, I'm not adding these.

[314] I'm doing it.

[315] No. But that's not heroin like she's a heroin.

[316] That's somebody reiterating drug addict.

[317] Exactly.

[318] So for years after this, I had a reoccurring dream that I drove off a cliff and was submerged in a sinking car and had five seconds to get free or be crushed by a giant tsunami.

[319] Needless to say, this event made quite the impression, don't do heroin, don't drive off cliffs.

[320] The rainbow of this story is my cousin, who is a highly functioning successful adult who makes our family proud all the time.

[321] Good.

[322] Funny how this sort of shit can shape us into the people we are today.

[323] SSDGM and warmest aloha, Francine.

[324] Oh, Francine.

[325] Oh, twist and turns.

[326] That was amazing.

[327] God, thank God.

[328] What a terrible.

[329] I was kind of hoping.

[330] Did you ever hear that story about how Dick...

[331] Chaney.

[332] Nope.

[333] Dick Cabot.

[334] I bet his name is Dick either.

[335] What's fucking Mary Poppins' chimney sweep?

[336] Oh, yeah.

[337] Van Dyke?

[338] Yes, Dick Van Dyke.

[339] When Dick Van Dyke got rescued at sea by a pot of dolphins?

[340] No. Have you ever heard that story?

[341] You made it up.

[342] Stephen, will you pull that up while I read this one?

[343] I thought that that was going to be like that the baby was in the car and then got on got on some weird like the top of an igloo cooler and floated and then was rescued by sea lions you gotta you gotta have wished you got you got to constantly be writing that Disney cartoon in your head the pods would have known how to unhook the baby seat which no one can do I don't know those bottle nose dolphins boop right in there click yeah right with their little specific nose okay hard left into positivity okay hey guys I was driving into work this morning and heard this on the radio.

[344] For some reason, the first people I wanted to tell were you, amazing ladies, and Stephen, especially since I know you have a hard time finding something positive to share at the end of the podcast.

[345] That's nice.

[346] Very true.

[347] A pit bull in New York, who had never run away or tried to escape before, managed to make her way out of her home in the middle of the night and started barking like crazy running around the neighborhood.

[348] Someone woke up to the sound and called the cops.

[349] When the cops showed up, the pit bull started running back, back to her home, causing the police to chase her.

[350] Yeah, do it, do it.

[351] When the police arrived to the home, they could smell gas and started banging on the door, waking up the owner.

[352] The police take a look around and found a gas leak in the basement.

[353] Thanks to this dog going about shit in the street, she saved her owner and the home from being blown up.

[354] Oh, my God.

[355] And then this is the next paragraph.

[356] We don't deserve animals.

[357] I heard this and almost lost my shit in my car and thought you'd appreciate the story.

[358] everyone get an animal they might just save your life p .S. I recently moved to Illinois where 90 % of the murders you talk about happen here and listening to this podcast makes me so aware of my surroundings in this crazy state so I can stay sexy and not get murdered.

[359] Thanks ladies Amanda.

[360] It's true Illinois.

[361] Oh my God.

[362] Please send us animals saving people stories immediately.

[363] That's our new fucking call to action.

[364] That's a good one.

[365] I pictured that pit bull being a little scrappy and scraggly and dark gray.

[366] They almost didn't adopt her.

[367] She was about to be euthanized, but they were like, let's get her.

[368] She's got a giant head.

[369] Look how big her head is.

[370] And she's got like 12 teats.

[371] She's one of those pit bull moms.

[372] Yes.

[373] And that's now you're her baby if you adopt her.

[374] She takes care of you now.

[375] I want a pit bull.

[376] Oh, I love that story.

[377] That was great.

[378] That was a good one.

[379] Thank you for that.

[380] Send us your fucking pet stories.

[381] Mm -hmm.

[382] Oh, Stephen's got a pet story.

[383] This is my pet story.

[384] It says, yeah, Dick Van Dyke was on Craig Ferguson and he said, have you ever surfed or whatever?

[385] And he's like, I stopped after a near -death experience.

[386] He's like, I woke up out of a side of land.

[387] And I started paddling with swells and started seeing fin swimming around me. And they turned out to be porpoises and they pushed me to shore.

[388] Oh, send us stories of animal saving human lives.

[389] If you can send us stories of dolphins saving you, I will turn this entire podcast into dolphins saving you.

[390] You know I want a cat saving someone's lives, too, because they do it too.

[391] They do do it.

[392] So can we get those also?

[393] You're a cat, your fucking little kitty, little mommy kitty.

[394] Yeah, Mama Kitty.

[395] She fucking saved your life.

[396] Maybe.

[397] Maybe, or she just pointed out how I was going astray and needed to tighten up my game.

[398] How high you were.

[399] Yes.

[400] That was great.

[401] Thanks, you guys.

[402] Yeah, those were good ones.

[403] Send my favorite murder at Gmail.

[404] Thanks for sending them.

[405] And stay sexy.

[406] And don't get murdered.

[407] Goodbye.

[408] Hey, Elvis, you want a cookie?

[409] Ah, ha.