Calm Parenting Podcast XX
[0] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.
[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.
[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.
[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.
[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.
[5] I feel like myself again.
[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.
[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.
[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.
[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.
[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.
[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.
[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.
[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.
[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.
[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.
[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.
[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, It starts with AG1.
[19] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[20] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.
[21] Check it out.
[22] Thanksgiving is this amazing holiday where families are in complete harmony, where everybody's just grateful for their lives.
[23] Nobody judge it.
[24] Okay, that's not true.
[25] For many families, especially parents of strong will children, holidays mean getting judged by family members who just don't understand your child.
[26] And they pressure you to be tougher with your discipline.
[27] Look, I used to get embarrassed by my son's behavior around family.
[28] So I kind of angrily correct him while my wife was caught in the middle once again.
[29] And it can be a really lonely place for you.
[30] So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to give you practical strategies.
[31] you're prepared to not only survive, but hopefully this year even enjoy Thanksgiving.
[32] So welcome.
[33] This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm .com.
[34] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.
[35] If you need anything, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, it's celebrate calm.
[36] Let's know about your family, how we can help you because that's what we exist to do.
[37] We're in the middle of a big, big sale.
[38] It's Black Friday coming up.
[39] So go to the website, take advantage of that.
[40] If you need additional help, talk to Casey.
[41] So let's set the scene.
[42] You're gathered together with family.
[43] You've got your mom and dad there, brothers and sisters with their kids, your kids, and your strong will child, and you're already a little nervous and on edge because you've heard some of the comments, i .e. judgments, before about your child who melts down, your child that's super particular about his clothes and food, who acts out at restaurants and church, and you know your family thinks you let him get away with things and you just need discipline him harder.
[44] But you've tried consequences.
[45] You've been firm and consistent.
[46] You followed through, and it just hasn't worked.
[47] And your family's already pressuring you and talking about him.
[48] They're even goading your child a little bit, like my family did to Casey, knowing he's the different one, the one who doesn't play as well with his cousins, the one who isn't sitting on grandma's lap, the one who isn't being fond over by grandpa and the uncles because of his good grades and athletic prowess.
[49] He's sitting alone.
[50] He's building something really complex.
[51] He's actually completely content if everybody would stop comparing him or try getting him to be like them.
[52] So while our cousins are outside playing, he's inside by himself.
[53] And you know what's coming.
[54] He doesn't like turkey or yams or stuffing.
[55] He likes the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else.
[56] Sitting still at a stuffy table with good manners while everybody eats, engages in conversation, just not a strong suit.
[57] So he's begged you already to allow him to eat pizza or mac and cheese or, early and just keep building with his Legos or whatever he's working on while everybody else sits around that long table talking and joking or listening to Uncle Franco on and on about himself or politics.
[58] And you've tried to convince your child, honey, it's just one meal a year.
[59] You don't even have to eat the turkey.
[60] Just eat the dinner rolls and sit there for 45 minutes.
[61] But you know he's never going to say, you know what, you're right, mom.
[62] I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental brother, sister -in -law, and parents.
[63] He's not going to say that.
[64] So you talk in hushed tones with your husband.
[65] Please, honey, it's just not worth it.
[66] Just let me feed him early.
[67] He can just sit downstairs building with his Legos.
[68] He'll be content.
[69] It'll be much better.
[70] But see, your husband, i .e. me, is afraid of being judged by your family for being soft and coddling a little kid.
[71] So he doubles down, charges away from you, heads towards your strong -willed child who's happily playing by himself.
[72] And you know what comes next.
[73] Tears, please, sobs.
[74] Mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do the dumb Thanksgiving dinner thing.
[75] Why is dad making me do this?
[76] And once again, you're caught in the middle between an admittedly challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make things more difficult sometimes.
[77] And a husband who isn't that great at controlling his own emotions, not to mention being caught between your child and entire cadre of nine family members, all with their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a mom, even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder or anything else than you ever have in your whole life.
[78] And it's Thanksgiving afternoon and you start to cry.
[79] Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child?
[80] Why does everyone have to judge?
[81] Why does everyone have to judge and pressure you instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself see if you make your son sit at the dinner table he's going to be corrected constantly by his father who feels pressure to be tough and that isn't going to go well and your son's going to react and now tension's going to permeate the entire dinner table while everybody looks on in disapproval and disdain just like they did at McCauley Calkin and home alone.
[82] And it's just you and your son against the world.
[83] Could be your daughter.
[84] You can't eat.
[85] You can't enjoy your family or Thanksgiving.
[86] And you just want to go home, curl up in the fetal position, and not feel this judgment anymore.
[87] And you'll apologize 18 times to your family, but to no avail.
[88] Because sometimes people just want to judge because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives.
[89] And this, was our experience when our son Casey was young.
[90] I was that dad, and that was how most holidays went with our family.
[91] So I want to share some ideas that will hopefully make this year better for you.
[92] You know we like to get to the root of issues beneath the surface, and it's the same with acne.
[93] Phila isn't just about fixing acne you can see.
[94] It's about stopping new breakouts in their tracks by getting right into the pores.
[95] Look, acne can be painful, both physically and emotionally.
[96] Whether your child is just starting to get breakouts or has been struggling with them for years, phyla is the safe, effective, side effect -free, and natural product that can help.
[97] Phila is like a spa treatment for your skin, gentle, no irritation, no dryness, and definitely no harsh chemicals like benzene.
[98] It's safe for kids of all ages and dermin.
[99] dermatologist approved.
[100] Don't settle for temporary fixes.
[101] Tackle acne's root causes.
[102] Get 25 % off your first order of phila with the code calm.
[103] Go to phila .com and type in the code calm.
[104] That's p -h -y -l -a -com and use code calm.
[105] Number one, be confident.
[106] I'm going to come back to this, but I want to sow that seed now.
[107] Your confidence is everything.
[108] Look, I want you to know this is normal.
[109] This scene is normal with a strong -will child.
[110] You didn't do something wrong and you're not a bad mom or dad and there's nothing wrong with your child.
[111] Ignore the nonsense from family and society.
[112] Number two, this is what you can do proactively.
[113] Set your child up for success beforehand.
[114] Look, our strong -will kids aren't always great at childhood stuff, but they're usually very good in the adult world.
[115] They often have natural gifts for building, creating, making things.
[116] So think about this now today.
[117] What is your child good at doing?
[118] When is he or she most content?
[119] Think about this because other adults often brag about their kids, don't they, right?
[120] So when other adults do brag about your child and they're like, oh, your son, your daughter is so amazing.
[121] What are they usually saying or bragging about?
[122] See, let's give your child an opportunity to do those things he's good at doing at Thanksgiving.
[123] Ask grandpa, grandma, or your aunt and uncles to actually give your child a specific mission when they come to, right when your kids come to their house.
[124] Hey, Benjamin, I've heard you're really great at doing X. Do you think you could help me with this project?
[125] See, you want to put your child in a position to succeed, to excel.
[126] We often ask our kids to play on a playing field in which they're just not good at playing that game.
[127] So figure out what they're good at doing and let them play on that playing field.
[128] Look, some of you have kids who are awesome with younger kids.
[129] Maybe they can help babysit or take care of the younger kids, right, to give your sister -in -law break with her kids.
[130] I just want the other adults in the room to see your child at his or her best, right?
[131] So giving your child a mission will also focus their energy.
[132] And it boosts their confidence because you're asking them to do something.
[133] and they're actually good at doing.
[134] Now, if you can, I would find two or three projects your child can do throughout the day.
[135] Don't be afraid to ask them to do adult -type jobs.
[136] They may be awesome at cooking a part of the meal.
[137] If you can get your OCD relative control freak to let them do it, they might be good at carving the turkey with a homemade hatchet they made or handling some grown -up responsibility, let them do it.
[138] Just saying, hey, go play with your cousins.
[139] or beyond your best behavior won't work.
[140] So I want you to put some thought into this now.
[141] Number three, plan some time away during family visits.
[142] And this includes all of those week -long vacations and time with big groups of extended family.
[143] Look, on week -long summer vacations, we always took a day to ourselves or ate dinner by ourselves at least one night just to get away and decompress.
[144] So on Thanksgiving, plan a run to the grocery store.
[145] Check ahead, make sure they're open.
[146] Or actually, who cares if they aren't?
[147] Just say, hey, we forgot something.
[148] We need to run to the grocery store.
[149] Volunteer to run, get that last minute item that your OCD relative forgot that's freaking him or her out.
[150] Volunteer to do anything.
[151] Just get out of that house with your strong -willed child.
[152] Go for a drive in the country.
[153] Stop at McDonald's.
[154] Go play in a park somewhere.
[155] go run an errand it doesn't matter you're already going to get judged why not at least get out and play and laugh together for an hour and then come back fresh number four take back control of the day is there something your child made recently that you can bring on thanksgiving day some way to go kind of on the offensive and change the narrative a bit rather than feeling defensive all the time can you show your family a video something your child created or bring something he or she built oh man i can't wait to show you what benjamin did look some of you have kids who can build like a robot from scratch it's way better than sitting still in class all day so look everybody else is likely coming in talking about how their wonderful child made the honor roll again and has all straight a's and they're gifted and their teachers are just raving about them and that's wonderful for that child.
[156] That's awesome.
[157] But I don't want you having to compare your child on a playing field that isn't level.
[158] I want you showing off your child's gifts and talents.
[159] Did your child donate money to a homeless guy on the streets or volunteer at an animal shelter?
[160] Did your child start a little side business making money, working on that robot or some creation, taking apart something complex and rebuilding it like a future engineer would?
[161] Right.
[162] Number five.
[163] Let's take control of the narrative.
[164] Now, please let me begin with my snarky responses to your relatives.
[165] This is mainly just for fun, but these are some things you wish you could say, but there's also some truth in here that you can extract and use.
[166] Here are two things I would want to say to well -meaning, let's give them the better fit of the doubt, well -meaning of relatives who are concerned about you.
[167] Is there anything more condescending?
[168] We're just concerned, right?
[169] I hate that about you and your child and they're concerned about the job you're doing, raising your child.
[170] It feels so awesome.
[171] So here are two things I would love to say, extract some things.
[172] Oh, so you're still raising your children to be good at, well, being children?
[173] How quaint.
[174] See, we're raising Benjamin to excel as an adult, which is already doing.
[175] See, everywhere we go, literally everyone tells us how helpful Benjamin is.
[176] Once a week, he cooks us a full meal.
[177] Using Hello Fresh at 50 % off, sorry I couldn't resist.
[178] But it is a great deal, so take advantage of it.
[179] So he helped an elderly neighbor clean out his gutters using a special stick that he invented.
[180] He just started investing his own money and he's made some great investments research in different companies.
[181] We know he's not that good at doing kid things, but man, he's going to kill it as an adult.
[182] Oh, so now tell me about how your child is doing so well memorizing information for children test.
[183] Can't wait to hear.
[184] Right?
[185] I know that's snarky, but wouldn't that be awesome about talking how their children are good at being, well, children.
[186] But our child, oh, he's already in the adult world.
[187] Extract some things from that.
[188] You should be telling other people about how your child helps elderly neighbors down the street and feeds homeless people and does all these other cool things.
[189] So, you don't have to be snarky.
[190] I want you to be a gracious person.
[191] Unless your relatives are really, pushing you, then I give you permission to go full throttle at them.
[192] But don't shrink back from giving perspective here on what you're trying to accomplish.
[193] Look, you're not raising your child to be good at childhood stuff, which is largely arbitrary in nature in which you don't have to ever do again after you're an adult.
[194] You're raising your child to crush it in the adult world and a world in which your child is already pretty comfortable.
[195] So here's my second response.
[196] Oh, you're still raising your child to be a compliant role follower?
[197] How sad in this day and age when what's necessary in the adult world is a take charge leader and entrepreneur who's not afraid to take risks and push the limit.
[198] Limits.
[199] Oh, you're little Sarah.
[200] She's an adorable people pleaser, I'm sure she'll find an excellent mate who's controlling, just like you did.
[201] Mic drop, walk out of the room.
[202] Sure, you won't be invited to their house for Thanksgiving next year, but that might be a bonus.
[203] Again, you can't do that, be gracious and kind, but you can, in a confident manner, give perspective.
[204] Look, mom, dad, brother, sister, we've been thinking a lot about this, and we've challenged ourselves asking, what do we really want for our kids and see with lily you know who she is she'd just be her adorable self she's happy she gets along with everybody she's like the little mayor and that's who she is but with benjamin he came out of the woman tense fighting and clawing for what he wants and what he believes in and we made the mistake of fighting his nature for the first nine years of his life that's my story with casey because he thought he we thought he was so particular and difficult until we realized that much of that resistance was created by us because we've got anxiety and control issues.
[205] But we're starting to learn how to use that intensity to our advantage and his.
[206] And then share some examples of how his asking questions and being good critical thinker and inventor, all those good things are playing out in positive ways.
[207] And this isn't meant to be self -serving, but you could share the Calm Parenting podcast and just say, look, this guy's giving us a different perspective on the String World Child, and we're starting to see it make a difference.
[208] So you're educating your kids.
[209] So that's why I'm leading up to, number six, educate and give perspective.
[210] Now, this is going to require a little more specificity.
[211] But if you have our materials, listen to the ADHD University program.
[212] Your kids don't have to have ADHD.
[213] It just explains how strong well kids' brains work and kids on the spectrum.
[214] And it's going to explain exactly how your child's brain works differently and why they do certain things.
[215] you'll be using brain science that makes sense, and it will help you feel more like an authority on your child's brain development and how it functions well.
[216] And it will help your relative see your child and you in a different light.
[217] Look, if you don't have our programs, then you're missing out on a ton of insight.
[218] I don't know any other way to say it.
[219] If you want to see long -term change in your family, we've got a big Black Friday sale going on right now.
[220] So look, order it now.
[221] Just go to celebrate calm .com now.
[222] Look up the big sale.
[223] Order it.
[224] You can download it to each of your phones and listen on the way to Grandma's house.
[225] And if you want, we'll even share this with your relatives.
[226] Right.
[227] So you can download the program and say, hey, could you send that ADHD university or that Strong Will Child Program to my mom or to my brother?
[228] And we're like, yeah, we can do that.
[229] Do that for free once you do this.
[230] so number seven get on the same page as parents not your own parents that might be too difficult but you and your spouse get on the same page as parents be unified as a couple right remember that scene i painted at the beginning of this podcast with the mom being judged and the dad overreacting try not to act like a wimpy dad right but it ends up making the entire situation worse that was us that was me. And it made us look so weak and ill -prepared.
[231] In some ways, my family was judging correctly.
[232] It was no wonder that Casey was emotionally volatile.
[233] Guess where he learned that from me. And I'll just say it bluntly because we don't have a lot of time.
[234] Guys, men out there, if you're listening, I need you, look, I don't need you to do it.
[235] But your wife and children need you to man up to stop making excuses for your own lack of self -control and finally learn how to a model being a calm leader in your home.
[236] There's no blame and guilt here, but there's no way around this.
[237] Either you get control of your own emotions, and I'll show you how to do that, or nothing will change in your home, except that it will get worse.
[238] Mom, same things.
[239] We've got to get rid of that guilt and anxiety and break those generational patterns once and for all.
[240] Because once you calm your own anxiety, once you get control of your control issues and calm your reactions, then you can get unified on how to discipline and motivate your strong world child.
[241] But even if you aren't there yet, go into Thanksgiving Day unified with the above plan.
[242] Encourage each other, stand next to each other as you're saying the above things to your relatives about your Benjamin, about your Sarah, about your child.
[243] And know that your child's going to be okay.
[244] Number eight, be confident.
[245] This is the most important step.
[246] When your relatives are making comments and your child is acting out, you're naturally going to want to become defensive and apologize and this is hard when you're surrounded by all these other people but i don't want you to apologize and i don't want you to be defensive i want you to be confident even if you are partly faking it i want you to have that perspective we talked about above your child is going to kill it in the we're in the adult world even if he or she isn't that awesome in the arbitrary kid world his or her brain does work in different and better ways and you're doing the right thing by teaching and problem solving and taking a different approach.
[247] I want you to feel confident when talking to your family and friends because that will cause them to see you in a different light and trust you and see your perspective.
[248] So do listen to our programs on that app.
[249] You're going to have so much insight and so many strategies and feel equipped and knowledgeable.
[250] And we will share the programs with your skeptical relatives so everyone in your family can be on the same page.
[251] You could even say this, look, I appreciate you all caring so much.
[252] And I know you want to help us.
[253] Here is the number one way you can support us.
[254] Will you listen to this program on the strong will child because it will give you insight into your grandson, into your nephew.
[255] and what we're trying to accomplish.
[256] And if they continue to hammer you, just say, look, I will be much more willing to listen to you after you've taken an hour or two to listen to this perspective.
[257] Could you do that?
[258] Okay, moms and dads, we've got our game plan now.
[259] Let's plan ahead.
[260] Let's create some successes upon arrival wherever you're going or when your relatives arrive at your house.
[261] Let's have uncles and grandparents and aunts give your child some specific missions.
[262] naturally good at doing.
[263] Let's let them praise your kids for doing those missions well.
[264] Plan for some short breaks away from family to decompress and laugh a little bit at Uncle Frank's self -importance and your strong -willed child will probably do a fantastic impression of them.
[265] Bring your own meal for your strong -will child.
[266] Who cares if he eats mac and cheese on Thanksgiving while everybody else is gorging on carbs and desserts and feels awful afterwards?
[267] and prepare some of those snarky, okay, educational talks with your family, walk in there with confidence, know that you're doing the right thing.
[268] And if we can help you, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com, and we will help you out even on Thanksgiving Day.
[269] Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.
[270] Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing this.