Seth Meyers Returns

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax, Randall, Shepard, and I'm joined by, hmm, we got a new one for you recently.

[2] What was it?

[3] Not the Boulder.

[4] No, by the way, good update.

[5] I don't want to hijack your intro.

[6] You're Monica Mod Man. Okay.

[7] I'm not the Boulder anymore, news alert.

[8] That's right.

[9] Turns out the boulder was used in something else.

[10] I'm the megalith.

[11] Megalith, that's right.

[12] Can I just be on, it doesn't roll off the tongue as well as the boulder?

[13] How dare you?

[14] But I'm going to stick to it.

[15] Megalith sounds like a superhero.

[16] Megalith.

[17] It does.

[18] What's a scenario here?

[19] Help, help, help.

[20] Help, help.

[21] I'm drowning.

[22] Worry not.

[23] It's me, Megalith.

[24] Help, I'm still drowning.

[25] I throw rocks at things.

[26] I cannot help with a drowning.

[27] Okay.

[28] Yes, I can.

[29] Let me pile some boulders up next you.

[30] Oh, I'm climbing to safety.

[31] Thank you, Megalith.

[32] No problem.

[33] If you see the rock, tell him I was here.

[34] Wow.

[35] Okay.

[36] I'm glad you took over because I was going to crash into the rocks and be injured.

[37] You wanted me to not be successful.

[38] You're not all in a megalith.

[39] That's fine.

[40] But he did pile some boulders up.

[41] Oh, God, boulders.

[42] That's a trigger word.

[43] He piled some megaliths up.

[44] Okay.

[45] I'm going to consider it.

[46] It does beg the question.

[47] He can probably only throw megalifts.

[48] So I would probably throw an enormous rock face in front of you.

[49] And now you just have a climbing issue.

[50] Exactly.

[51] And I'm also drowning.

[52] And accidentally put it on top of you, maybe.

[53] This is what I was going to say.

[54] All right.

[55] Under construction.

[56] But I'm sticking with it.

[57] Okay.

[58] Now, this is a second appearance for Seth Myers.

[59] We love Seth Myers.

[60] Yeah.

[61] What a fucking thoughtful, compassionate, smart, capable, hardworking.

[62] All the things.

[63] Sex symbol.

[64] Yes.

[65] He's an Emmy Award winning writer and he's a comedian.

[66] Of course, you know him from late night with Seth Myers, but he also was the former head writer of Saturday Night.

[67] What a distinction.

[68] So few people can say that.

[69] That's right.

[70] He has a new children's book out, which is fantastic, called I'm Not Scared, You're Scared.

[71] I'm Not Scared, You're Scared is a funny, I'm really accentuating your, because it's all caps.

[72] Oh.

[73] Yes.

[74] I'm not scared.

[75] You're scared.

[76] Oh.

[77] Okay, I went too far.

[78] Is a funny tale of adventure, bravery, and daring rescue will both inspire the adventurous spirit in all of us and make us laugh along the way.

[79] It is called, I'm not scared, you're scared out March 15th.

[80] So enjoy.

[81] and enjoy Seth Myers.

[82] Megalith signing off.

[83] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[84] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[85] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[86] He's an armchair expert.

[87] There we go.

[88] Good job, AJ.

[89] We figured it out.

[90] Do you think AJ and Rob are creating problems so they can solve them in front of us?

[91] You know, AJ is from Detroit.

[92] He is.

[93] Yeah.

[94] What part?

[95] AJ.

[96] Oh, fuck.

[97] He was out of there.

[98] Wow.

[99] What part of Detroit are you from?

[100] You're not from Detroit?

[101] You're a Lions fan who's not from Detroit?

[102] Jesus Christ, I apologize.

[103] Where's he from?

[104] New Jersey.

[105] Where are you from?

[106] New Jersey.

[107] Oh, Jesus.

[108] I have zero follow -up questions for that.

[109] Well, yeah, except why would you choose the Detroit Lions if you didn't have to?

[110] That's a dedicated underdog fan, because I think it's the worst team.

[111] historically out there.

[112] The only reason to root for him would be local pride.

[113] Great to see you both.

[114] It's so great to see you.

[115] Okay, I have a crazy theory about AJ.

[116] He went to University of Georgia, and he was a dog's fan, and Stafford was the quarterback, and then he followed him up to the lion's town.

[117] Well, he's long gone now, but I will check that theory for the next time.

[118] And I hope that's true.

[119] Just consider having AJ more involved, not just behind the record.

[120] quarter, but in front of it.

[121] Or consider having him as a guest.

[122] You know, he's obviously, have great interest to me. He's an all -in -one.

[123] You know, he wouldn't need someone else to come in here and figure out the sound.

[124] One -stop shop.

[125] Now, back to this, because Rob and A .J. were in kind of dueling technical battles, and I suggested they might have to meet in our Arbys, and it made me think, in your town, when the tough guys in high school had to schedule a fight, was there a designated spot that the Rumbles took place?

[126] We had a area, like a mud -filled parking area called the pit that was sort of down the hill from our high school.

[127] And I recently went back to my hometown just two weeks ago, and I was told that the pit has been paved over.

[128] It's now, you know, so I don't know where kids fight anymore.

[129] Monica said gentrified.

[130] It's awful.

[131] They got him a proper octagon now.

[132] It's just not the way it was.

[133] Where was yours, Arvys?

[134] Well, in Milford, it was at the Milford Cinema on Friday nights, and then when I went to school and Waldeck, it was behind Kmart.

[135] Yeah.

[136] Because you could get away with, well, murder behind Kmart.

[137] No one dared went behind Kmart.

[138] Dairy Queen wasn't a friendly place to be, and I feel like that's true of a lot of New England towns.

[139] Sure, sure.

[140] Was there a predominant ethnicity working at the Dairy Queen in your hometown?

[141] No, but I come from a very white.

[142] part of New Hampshire.

[143] I mean, the dominant ethnicity at my high school was French -Canadian.

[144] Okay.

[145] My follow -up question is, my hunch is it was like my town.

[146] Was it largely 11 and 12 -year -olds running the entire Dairy Queen unsupervised?

[147] It was a young group of professionals.

[148] When I swing by my hometown, I often stop at the Dairy Queen.

[149] And again, I'm reminded like, oh, right, my seventh -grade girlfriend ran the Dairy Queen in our town.

[150] and I'd go up there and get a free thing here and again.

[151] And nothing's changed.

[152] It's still pre -teens, just running a business.

[153] When I think back to going to a dairy queen in high school or any fast food place, I am just constantly taken aback by how much garbage I ate.

[154] Like, if I ate the way I ate when I was 17, I would be dead in a week.

[155] Couldn't agree more, Seth.

[156] I'll go further.

[157] All through my 20s, I was a raging alcoholic who ate several meals at 7 -Eleven.

[158] I couldn't stay away from the two -for -one chili dogs for $1 .09.

[159] And that's what I lived on, and I felt fantastic.

[160] Right.

[161] If I let some gluten in now, I'm in bad shape.

[162] I've been saying recently the most depressing thing about this age is when you have nothing left to quit.

[163] You know, like, I wish I had a vice left because I wake up feeling like horseshit and there's nothing on the list left.

[164] I'm holding on to coffee.

[165] I can't give it up.

[166] Good.

[167] When people say to me, oh, green tea changed my life, I want to say, I've already given you everything.

[168] I've given you everything.

[169] Don't take the coffee.

[170] It's really tactically savvy because if you do give up coffee and you do still feel like shit, you're going to go, well, I guess that's it.

[171] I'm in a nosedive.

[172] Today's the best day, and it's terrible, that I'll ever experience.

[173] And it could lead to like a premature death or something.

[174] I think one of the things that leads to a premature death is when you go to bed and you're not looking forward to having a coffee in the morning.

[175] You know what I mean?

[176] If there's no coffee on the other side, I think that your body's like, or we just, maybe this is our last sleep and we just do this one.

[177] Maybe this is the eternal sleep.

[178] So my best childhood friend is now a couple years sober, and now that we hang out a bunch and we can't do anything fun at night, we start talking around 9 o 'clock like, I fucking can't wait to have coffee tomorrow morning.

[179] I'm not kidding.

[180] Like we start, to the point where we sometimes think, like, should we fucking brew a pot right now?

[181] And just say, fuck tomorrow.

[182] Let's drink this fresh pot of coffee at 10 p .m. and see where it takes.

[183] I found this recently as well.

[184] I was all through college.

[185] And then my first real job was S &L, which is like going to college, the hours.

[186] Right.

[187] And I could always pull it all -nighter.

[188] That was my way out of a jam.

[189] And now I feel like an athlete who stuck around one too many years who just can't get the, the amount.

[190] that I'm like, tonight's tonight, I'm going to brew a pot of coffee, I'll be up all night.

[191] I can drink three cups of coffee and still fall asleep at 9 .30.

[192] Like, it does nothing for me anymore.

[193] Well, you're inoculated, it sounds like.

[194] You're like the quarterback that's like had 30, 40 concussions.

[195] And now when you have one, you go, wow, this isn't an option anymore.

[196] There's just nothing.

[197] Yeah, there's nothing left.

[198] The other thing about you saying brewing a pot, and I think this might be a big L .A. New York difference.

[199] First of all, my wife does not like the smell of coffee.

[200] Oh my God, divorce her immediately.

[201] It's rough.

[202] But in her defense, she also doesn't like the smell of my next hundred favorite things.

[203] Coffee's too important to me for it to be put in my hands.

[204] I like to walk out in the morning.

[205] I like to go to a coffee shop.

[206] So that's the other thing.

[207] It's the place where I get coffee, mercifully, it should be noted, are closed if I ever wanted a late -nighter.

[208] Okay, okay, okay.

[209] We have like a fire escape, internal fire escape that I can go in there and sit next to the recycling bin.

[210] It's a very high -brow low -brow when you have a beautiful French press and you're sort of crouched between the recycling bin and just the garbage while you slowly press down for that first, that first lovely cup.

[211] Can you shout out your favorite coffee place in New York?

[212] Not to make it have a huge line, but it's a nice thing to do.

[213] It's on 8th Street, and it's called Lena, L -E -N -A, and it is, it's just great coffee.

[214] Mrs. Dunham, she owns it.

[215] Yeah, it's Lena Dunham.

[216] It's, uh, it's Lidum, yeah.

[217] And she, the whole thing, there's no girls paraphernalia, nothing about her celebrity.

[218] And it's very, and she works there, but you're not allowed to ask her about any.

[219] God, what integrity.

[220] Did you guys hear Eminem has a new place called Mom's Spaghetti?

[221] I didn't.

[222] It's, that sounds like a joke.

[223] It definitely does sound like a joke, but I'm pretty sure it's real.

[224] I think it's like a drive -through.

[225] Rob just said it's real.

[226] Okay.

[227] Yeah, it started in Detroit, Eminem.

[228] Ding, ding.

[229] And then now there's one here.

[230] And I think it's like kind of drive -thruy, and his mom was working there.

[231] Oh, this is real.

[232] As a manager or like as a drive -thru?

[233] I think like drive -thru, hi, I'm Eminem's mom.

[234] Now, I will say the craziest part about this isn't that Eminem opened a restaurant.

[235] It's that there's a drive -thru spaghetti restaurant.

[236] Yeah.

[237] The food that pairs the worst with the concept of drive -through.

[238] It probably is, right?

[239] What's more ungangly to eat in your vehicle than a big plate of bolognese?

[240] I mean, maybe sushi, but I feel like you could pick up sushi.

[241] You would just pick it up.

[242] I'd say, I'd argue crab legs.

[243] Like, you got a cracker, you dip them in the sauce.

[244] Maryland crab lades.

[245] They give you a newspaper and a tiny hammer.

[246] And a couple ounces of butter and send you on your way.

[247] And there's just like the outside that drive -through, there's just like the sidewalks are littered with car accidents.

[248] Like you can't.

[249] Even when you pull up, there's so much spilled butter from the transfer that you, the ABS kicks in and you slide forward.

[250] You just see a lot of like fish -tailing cars.

[251] Yeah, it's not going well.

[252] Yeah, tow trucks removing people from the parking lot because they just can't get traction.

[253] We're going to do this one time under ideal circumstances.

[254] That is my pledge to you.

[255] So this is number two.

[256] Last time was in your conference room.

[257] That has its own hurdles.

[258] Again, it turned out great, lovely interview.

[259] It was a delight.

[260] And then now we're on Zoom.

[261] You're like, what, 70 seconds off stage right now?

[262] I walked right off stage.

[263] And I hope just, I hope we do use some photos here.

[264] Some people can see exactly how good.

[265] It's really, this is, I mean, hair, makeup, really good lights because I'm at the studio.

[266] I hadn't thought of that, and I take back some of my compliments at the beginning.

[267] Because honestly, did you too?

[268] I kind of thought like, oh, this is set.

[269] Yeah, he rolled off his couch and looks like this.

[270] But yeah.

[271] This is full glam.

[272] Yeah, final touches were had, and you're the proof of it.

[273] So wait, what percentage then of these are done properly?

[274] What percentage are you with your guests in person?

[275] Pre -pandemic, we just wouldn't do this.

[276] It was kind of a rule of ours.

[277] And then we realized we would have a program if we didn't get flexible.

[278] And that turned out great, and it's been wonderful, yet we have gone back since, I guess, January.

[279] Yeah.

[280] So I'd say now it's half and half, or maybe even more in person now.

[281] Yeah.

[282] And they're just drastically better because you have all the weird chemicals that are dancing with one another that we're unaware of.

[283] There's just a lot of shit that is in person so much crazier.

[284] We're in that weird place now.

[285] It's less and less.

[286] But tonight, for example, we had two in studio and then one.

[287] on Zoom.

[288] And I feel like the audience was okay when everybody was Zoom.

[289] And they're okay when everybody's studio.

[290] But when it's a mix, it's a tough road to hoe.

[291] And it was way easier to do a Zoom interview without an audience.

[292] Like, that's the hardest part.

[293] Oh, God.

[294] I want to know how you've been navigating that.

[295] But yes, my comparison would be like you put brand new gorgeous hardwood floors in your plays.

[296] And then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, everything else is really fucked up now that that distraction is no longer there.

[297] So it's like, yeah, if you have two in -person back -slapping, the physicality, interrupting is an option, and then you go to, mm -hmm.

[298] Yeah, that's right.

[299] Although at least they're warmed up, I still would do in -person, in -person, then Zoom in -person in -person.

[300] The audience, I think at that point, is a little warmed up, and they can make it through a Zoom.

[301] I don't think they like to open with a Zoom.

[302] I got you.

[303] I feel They were like, I would have stayed home if I wanted to see someone on TV.

[304] Exactly.

[305] Or I would just would have zoomed with them directly.

[306] I would have gotten...

[307] What if your whole audience was iPads?

[308] And then the whole audience was zooming in as well.

[309] I would just say, this for this, we put iPads under your chair.

[310] Just look at that and you'll feel better.

[311] What is it done to the momentum of the show?

[312] Like, just tell me the kind of emotional ride of having to continue through it.

[313] I'm just curious what it's done to the experience.

[314] I think, like, a lot of it.

[315] of people, you constantly have to put the caveat on it of obviously it was the worst possible reason to leave the studio, but it was creatively exhilarating, figuring out how to do a talk show.

[316] We did it in an attic for three months.

[317] And also, we took chances with our show that we never would have taken in front of a live audience.

[318] Because mostly just like, I don't think I could a weathered the reaction to it.

[319] Also, don't fix what's not broken.

[320] Like, if your show's humming along, why are you, no one should be in there going like, how do we shake this thing up?

[321] Usually, right.

[322] The only reason you shake anything up is it's failing.

[323] And the shake up almost never works.

[324] So you just, like, are in a tailspin, and then you just do a tailspin the other direction.

[325] Yes, yes.

[326] And you hope some current comes along and straightens you out.

[327] Right, just blows you into a shallow pool.

[328] So we started doing a show without an audience and laying in different whimsy is almost the best word described.

[329] Things that were more for the moment than you would ever do in front of an audience.

[330] And one of the reasons I think they thrived is everybody was going through the same thing.

[331] Like we were doing a show at home, people were working at home.

[332] People would come to a show like ours, I think, to both cut up with what happened on any given day and also commiserate about this weird time we were all going through.

[333] And so a lot of that show was, hey, we're all going crazy.

[334] You guys are going crazy, too.

[335] So today's show is going to be a little crazy, and it was super cathartic for me. I think it was cathartic for our audience.

[336] The only way I was interacting with an audience was reading YouTube comments.

[337] Wow, that's always a fast -pass to feeling great about yourself.

[338] But I will say, I've talked about this, but there was a guy on YouTube.

[339] Oh, he actually made a, yeah, he made a YouTube video that was along the lines of, I really like these late -night hosts none of them are YouTubers.

[340] None of them know what they're doing.

[341] Right.

[342] That makes sense.

[343] But he very much made it.

[344] I am a fan of theirs.

[345] It wasn't like, I'm in a shit on them.

[346] He basically was like, so here's what you all need to do.

[347] And I then reached out to him on Twitter.

[348] And we got to be friends because he was right.

[349] I didn't know what I was doing.

[350] And I didn't have any of the gear.

[351] And so very slowly over the first, you know, two or three months, we kind of finally figured out the tech to some degree.

[352] And then I guess after six months, We took it back to the studio without an audience and then the part of the show that became a part of it that we've kept is the whole audience was the crew and the crew in a way became characters that the people who tuned into our show every night got to know and I think the people who watch a show like mine more often than not watched it the night before I think we mostly have returned viewers so you can lay in a joke over the course of a week right right right you can have runners and call back you can have runners over the course a week, whereas the people who come see a talk show maybe didn't see it the night before.

[353] Sure.

[354] Like the audience there might be people who were, oh, we're in New York.

[355] I'd love to see a TV show.

[356] So if you are calling back yesterday, they're oftentimes the worst audience for that.

[357] Right, right, right, right.

[358] Oh, God, there's so many fascinating little layers to all this shit, isn't there?

[359] Yeah, that was the thing, though.

[360] It was fascinating.

[361] Like, it was fully fascinating.

[362] And I think the biggest fear about doing a show like this every day is...

[363] when you stop having a fascination about it.

[364] And we totally got to go back to square one, which was a huge gift for anybody, I think, who has to find a way to stay excited about being creative.

[365] And it still, it continues.

[366] Like, we like the show a lot more now than the show we, you know, walked out the door doing March 11th of, you know, 20 -20.

[367] What were some of the YouTube tips?

[368] The YouTube's tips.

[369] I'm curious.

[370] The sound was really bad.

[371] He said, you have to go to a smaller room.

[372] that's a massive echo to go to the smallest place you can find and then he said you have to basically you have to wear lave because we were using an iPad right right great great and he's like that you can't that sounds stinks the craziest part about the show was you know I'd have to before everything I'd have to record hit record on my iPhone was recording off an app I was recording off the iPad I had a teleprompter app that was just rolling script that I had no way of stopping.

[373] That was rolling script.

[374] Oh, my God.

[375] The realization I came to is being surrounded by the best people at their jobs.

[376] Like being surrounded by professional crews and makeup and wardrobe doesn't make you better at any of those things.

[377] It makes you worse.

[378] Because you never have to think about it.

[379] People assume if you're on sets your whole life, you're picking other things up.

[380] And the reality is, no, the worst thing you can do is focus on someone else's job.

[381] you're there to do your job and you never want to think about it and so that was the shocking thing is oh I learn nothing well right your makeup artist isn't better or worse at hosting a talk show because she's been doing or he's been doing your makeup for the last seven years or enough I mean the night Sarah filled in for me was a disaster I'm sure I'm sure but the best was I will say the one thing the YouTube guy got wrong speaking of makeup is he suggested an HD camera So we were doing our show, and then we had a two -week hiatus.

[382] And in that two -week hiatus, I ordered an HD camera because people were saying your iPad camera looks like shit.

[383] That was a YouTube comment.

[384] And so I got an HD camera.

[385] I figured out how you used it.

[386] I was so psyched.

[387] And then we did one show, exactly one show with the HD camera, because then the review of the show was, you look like shit.

[388] Oh, God.

[389] Because a man my age who's doing his makeup for the first time does not want to come to you in high definition.

[390] He wants that gauzy iPad camera.

[391] A little Vaseline over the lens.

[392] I got to say there were some stupendous moments over the last two years.

[393] Watching people do their own makeup and or not do their own makeup, I forget what award show we watched.

[394] And it was just a disaster.

[395] And I said, guys, this is kind of looking too far behind the curtain, like all the guys.

[396] blitz and glam.

[397] It's like, oh, everyone looks like me. Why the fuck am I going to see them in movies?

[398] It's weird to me, if there was ever a time for SAG to send out an email to everybody and say, here's what we're going to do.

[399] Here's what your dues are for.

[400] The fact that we couldn't come to a consensus as to how we were going to look.

[401] Oh, my God.

[402] Yeah, some people were in T -shirts and some people were in full gowns.

[403] Oh, there was one, yeah, they were show, it was some award show, and they were showing all five nominees, right?

[404] And some people were in tuxedos, God bless him, because he's my favorite.

[405] This is not a burn.

[406] Jeff Daniels is clearly in a small town filming at a very bad motel in a t -shirt.

[407] And there's a big lump behind him on the bed he's sitting now, which I figured out clearly.

[408] He had so much shit to clean up that he just put the covers over it.

[409] So it was like what looked like either a corpse or.

[410] And then you're cutting over to these other people that have hosted their own kind of ball.

[411] And there's family members coming.

[412] in and out?

[413] I mean, what a circus.

[414] You're right.

[415] And it felt like on those award shows, if there was ever a time for the person announcing to say, we've changed our mind based on the voters have spoken, but we're making an executive decision that the man with a blanket lump cannot and will not represent this organization.

[416] I thought it was like, oh my God, this is potentially could tear down the entire industry.

[417] Like, everyone got to see we're all the same stumbling dummies that everyone else is.

[418] Like, there's nothing...

[419] That's all so nice.

[420] It's comforting and also career ending and industry dissolving.

[421] So I had this weird moment where the reality is most people watch my show on an iPad or some version of it.

[422] So it's not like S &L.

[423] No one ever has their friends over to watch an episode of my show.

[424] So I was like, oh, this is the closest I'm ever going to be to my audience.

[425] I'm doing it in one iPad, they're watching an iPad.

[426] And that does seem like a bond that was strengthened by this whole time, Whereas I do think when you see, when you see an actor that you've only seen dressed up, like shuffling around during an award show.

[427] Literally, the last time you saw them was at the previous six Academy Awards.

[428] They're older.

[429] They're dealing with the technology.

[430] Yeah.

[431] Oh, my God.

[432] Was it fun?

[433] Okay.

[434] Well, I want to talk about your book.

[435] I just read it.

[436] It's so fucking cute.

[437] It's so beautifully drawn.

[438] It has a very, and again, I've acknowledged this can you almost even be triggering for me with you, which is like there's a pretty elevated, timeless look.

[439] to it like this it looks like a classic let's start there wow that's very kind of you on top of it it's incredibly adorable and what a cute story so that was a decision it's a children's book it's a children's yes it would be really funny if now we're like it's a thriller yeah based on every way the way you've described it if we're like it's my thriller peter cottontale uh yeah and if right now it's like oh oh dax this is heartbreaking that that way i guess i didn't okay so that's how you interpreted it's amazing how so many of my kids favorite books are books that my parents read me. So I don't know if it was a conscience effort, but I certainly would like to think that this book would have been, whether people are like it or not, they wouldn't have liked it more 10 years ago or more 10 years from now.

[440] Like, they would hopefully like it the same based on the fact that it's a book for kids.

[441] It's evergreen.

[442] Yes.

[443] But I will say like, and again, I don't even know if this book exists.

[444] It probably does.

[445] So I'm not, I'm not burning anyone specifically, but certainly there's like probably emoji -driven children's books.

[446] There's cartoons that are really popular right now that who knows how popular they'll be.

[447] So what people would or wouldn't realize, this seems pretty self -evident, but you're not going to draw the pictures, right?

[448] So you've got to get paired with somebody.

[449] So tell me how that came about and how on earth do you end up speaking their language.

[450] Like, all that has got to be new to you.

[451] It is the biggest scam in the world that people say, I love your book.

[452] When I, I mean, it took so much.

[453] Less time to write this book than it did to draw it.

[454] So I worked with a wonderful editor at Penguin, and she said, once we get your manuscript, I will look at it, and I'll give you a choice.

[455] By the way, manuscript seems...

[456] Pause.

[457] Manuscript, yes.

[458] I was going to let you finish, but...

[459] Well, I just want to clarify, that's what they call it, and I'm always a little ashamed when I say it, because I don't want you to...

[460] This is not my term for it.

[461] You've definitely left your wife longer letters about the plans for the weekend.

[462] Oh, yeah.

[463] I mean, by the way, how great is it that you have me on and you can say, and I know you're not lying when you say I read your book?

[464] Like, you know what I mean?

[465] Because I've had some guests on my show where I say, I've read your book where it's, I've read 50 pages.

[466] Anyway, so I turned in my manuscript.

[467] Right, on a napkin.

[468] And she actually said, oh, I know somebody great.

[469] I actually think it's this one guy, and she sent it to me, and his name's Rob Seig Jr., and he was wonderful.

[470] And right away, I saw his stuff and thought, oh, this is so exciting.

[471] It's so exciting when you write something just in your mind's eye and then somebody brings it to life.

[472] But you say exciting.

[473] Also, for me, very nerve -wracking.

[474] Like, are you a good delegator?

[475] Are you good at trusting people to execute what's in your mind?

[476] Does that come easy for you?

[477] Yeah, I am.

[478] I also am very aware of how bad I am visually.

[479] I think I know how they should look and I'm almost always wrong.

[480] For example, when you write a kid's book, you write the words and then you write what you think the picture should be.

[481] And I read a lot of comic books growing up and so I thought there'd be a lot more pictures than there are.

[482] And Bill Hader and I wrote an issue with Spider -Man years ago and there's so many pictures and there's so much action.

[483] Whereas here, it's one thing.

[484] And so he, having drawn books before this, was very good at saying, oh, actually, for this idea, you want to see this moment.

[485] You don't want to see that moment.

[486] And so it was great.

[487] And I did put my trust in professionals.

[488] Cinematically speaking, like I was looking at it going, oh, this is really clever.

[489] There's one that's kind of seared in my mind.

[490] It's like when they're going to cross the river.

[491] But it's a wide, right?

[492] It's what we would call a wide.

[493] Yes.

[494] And there's all this compelling depth of field.

[495] There's like layers of what your eyes drawn to.

[496] And it's clearly very meticulously constructed, like a great frame of a Wes Anderson movie would be.

[497] Yeah.

[498] Part of it you realize, which is weird, because I've been reading so many kids' books to my children, and yet I didn't learn it until he said, no. They are already in their heads see the bear talking.

[499] So you don't need a close -up of a bear's mouth.

[500] Like, they're already there.

[501] They need to see what the bear is doing.

[502] And so there's no, you know, it's very rare to need a close -up in a kid's book.

[503] Yeah.

[504] But, again, you or I maybe innately wouldn't think that, having not done that.

[505] Plus, we both are known for demanding close -ups in our work.

[506] It's the only way my shit reads.

[507] You got to be in a choker to see any emotion on my face.

[508] It's so subtle, the tiny muscles.

[509] Yeah, and not because I intend it that way.

[510] nothing happening.

[511] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[512] What's up, guys?

[513] This is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

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[515] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

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[527] Okay, so I want to hear a couple of your favorite that you were reading to your kids over these last whatever 10 years or however long it's been.

[528] Yeah, I mean, not that long.

[529] So the one's just about to turn.

[530] Six.

[531] There's a book called, God, I think his name is Chris Van Dusen.

[532] I want to say, these are the goats, the guys who write it and draw it.

[533] Shout out to the full service.

[534] Shell Silverstein.

[535] Right.

[536] Richard Scary.

[537] Sandra Boynton.

[538] Bill Parker.

[539] He has this book called The Circus Ship, which is a wonderful book.

[540] And also, I was very happy.

[541] My editor said, don't feel like you have to rhyme.

[542] And I enjoyed writing it a great deal more.

[543] But there's some good rhyming books out there.

[544] And Chris Van Dusen, I hope I'm saying his name, right, as one of them.

[545] There's a book, I keep saying this, there's a Sander Boynton.

[546] You guys know Sander Boynton.

[547] Love it.

[548] Piggy Paints and shit.

[549] Yeah, there's one.

[550] It's called like Green Shirt, Blue Shirt, but it's oops.

[551] Do you know this one?

[552] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[553] I got the whole canon.

[554] It's heartbreaking to me how hard.

[555] My kids laugh at oops.

[556] It just murders.

[557] Yeah, there's a stinky sock involved.

[558] Am I remembering that correctly?

[559] It's a dumb turkey.

[560] The whole comedy is that a turkey is dumb.

[561] So it's like red shirt, blue shirt, green shirt, and then it cuts the turkey, and the turkey's got, like, the shirt on its pants.

[562] And it just says, oops.

[563] Oh, yes.

[564] And there's a sock.

[565] I have an image of a sock.

[566] Sock on the nose.

[567] I think the sock is on the turkey beak.

[568] Of course.

[569] I should have been able to figure that out.

[570] But Richard Scarry, those books, like the cars and trucks and things that go, where every page is like 50 intricately drawn automobiles, some real.

[571] Here's how an actual street sweeper looks, and here's a pickle car.

[572] Like, they just go crazy for it.

[573] I need those.

[574] I don't have those.

[575] I'm ignorant on those.

[576] Do you have the Little Blue Truck ones?

[577] Yeah, but Little Blue Truck, Home Run.

[578] Little Blue Truck was a huge win.

[579] My favorite one is when he goes to New York City because now you get to do all these voices, or I did, right?

[580] Because the mayor is like, oh, the way, I've got important business.

[581] So I make him like a Kennedy and then the tow truck driver and the trash truck driver, you know.

[582] My kids will not let me do voices in books.

[583] They don't like it.

[584] Mine hate it, too, but I do it.

[585] Yeah.

[586] Get another reader.

[587] Get another reader.

[588] I won't let them kill my creative spirit.

[589] Daddy's got wings.

[590] You're going to watch him.

[591] fucking flap around this room.

[592] We've crossed the line a little bit into chapter books.

[593] Yeah.

[594] You know, no pictures.

[595] So do you remember, have you read Stuart Little recently?

[596] Never.

[597] There's the little mouse who's in a car and stuff?

[598] Yep, Little Mouse and it's a weird book because the mouse, right off the bat, the mouse is a child of human parents.

[599] Oh!

[600] Like, it's like they had a kid, and kids go with it, but you're like, all right.

[601] Like, they also have human children as well.

[602] and then they just had Stewart, who's a mouse.

[603] But it's the strangest book because then he has a friend who's a bird, and the bird flies away because the cat scares the bird.

[604] And that's when the car comes into play.

[605] And so again, everything about it, the kids love.

[606] So then the mouse is on a road trip, looking for his bird friend, Margalo.

[607] And then all of a sudden, I'm reading it.

[608] And you know, when you're, as an adult, you're aware of books kind of running out of pages?

[609] Yeah, yeah.

[610] Like how are they going to wrap this up kind of anxiety?

[611] No wrap -up.

[612] It wraps up with, like, Stuart Little, and, like, he drove off.

[613] I know this is coming 10, 15 years in therapy.

[614] I fully just put a little improvised addendum.

[615] Oh.

[616] And there was Margulow.

[617] And she jumped in, and they went back.

[618] Mostly because I just didn't have the energy to answer all the questions that I knew would come.

[619] I don't know what to tell you.

[620] We've similarly changed the ends to some of the fairy tale, the princess fairy tale ones.

[621] And then he asked her, and then she said, cool, I'm going to get my law degree.

[622] If you want to join me at Brown, come along.

[623] And he said, yeah, like, we do that kind of shit.

[624] Yeah, have you ever been reading a book to them?

[625] And then, like, you're reading it.

[626] And as the words are coming out, you're like, this is a problematic message, but I'm reading it.

[627] And now they're invested.

[628] That's really every other book.

[629] If you're going through the ones you loved as a kid, it's almost every other one.

[630] Yeah.

[631] And then the other thing, which is weird, because I feel like this.

[632] this, people should have even known 30 years ago.

[633] It's very strange to me when a shut up turns up in a book.

[634] Like, there's a book called The Stupids.

[635] I don't know, do you know that book?

[636] No, but I'm in.

[637] We've said to our kids, like, you can't call somebody stupid, and then you open a book, and you're like, oh, boy.

[638] And so then you can in, you can say this book's called The Sillies, but then you've got to, I mean, you can't believe how many times you've got to read one word and say the other.

[639] You're code switching the whole time.

[640] It can be tricky, yeah.

[641] Yeah.

[642] There's another side of my brain, and I wonder how you feel about it, where I'm like, no, no, also, this is a great example to show of, like, how things have changed, how, like, I don't go away from them.

[643] I think, I think it's cool as a conversation starter with you and your kids, like, oh, that's bizarre.

[644] I always say, like, yeah, like, I kiss a dead girl.

[645] That's a little weird.

[646] I've been talking about a kissing a dead girl.

[647] It's the craziest thing.

[648] The craziest thing about kissing a dead girl, I would imagine is how upset you are when she wakes up.

[649] That's the nightmare scenario.

[650] There's so many things to explore.

[651] He only was attracted to her if she was dead.

[652] You're right.

[653] Now he's got something different going on.

[654] And is it necrophilia?

[655] You've got some consent issues.

[656] Now, is consent implicit in a dead person?

[657] Do they need consent?

[658] That's a treasure trove of really complicated morals.

[659] Okay.

[660] Now, the other thing I thought is because I've had one in my mind since Lincoln was probably nine months old.

[661] And of course, you may be a better person than me, but it's all very kind of egocentric and narcissistic.

[662] A, I parent the way I wanted to be parenting.

[663] I think a lot of people do.

[664] And then B, I guess I'm going to tell the story I wish I had heard.

[665] You'll change a story as you go, or is this...

[666] No, no, I mean when I've considered writing a children's book.

[667] Yeah, okay.

[668] The idea I got immediately, I don't want to say it out.

[669] Well, fuck it.

[670] This is my pitch.

[671] It's you make me stronger, right?

[672] He has a little girl.

[673] He's out of shape because he put on weight while mom was pregnant, as I did, and then bending over, lifting up the baby, hiking with the baby on my chest.

[674] You make me stronger.

[675] You make it stronger.

[676] But really, you make me softer.

[677] And that's the thing I really needed, right?

[678] And then I explore all the ways that she made me softer.

[679] So I basically have written a book for myself, right?

[680] The message I got to hear, like, put the strong thing on the shelf and allow this softness to be your image.

[681] and that would be good for you.

[682] So does that make sense?

[683] That does make sense.

[684] I feel like you've maybe written a book for dads, though.

[685] I think that, yeah.

[686] Yes, that, yes, exactly, exactly.

[687] But again, you're reading this to your, like, baby girl child.

[688] Who gives a, like, she doesn't give a fuck if there's some fun pictures.

[689] It's for dad, you're right.

[690] I will tell you right now, I think the risk of that book and that message, if you're reading it, and we just had our first little girl, so I've not read a book to a little girl yet.

[691] I think that's a Waterworks book.

[692] I think that's a book where daddy's maybe getting a little something in his eye.

[693] And that's maybe the price you're paying is that, you know, the daughter is like, yeah, my dad would read to me and just cry.

[694] Never got through it.

[695] I don't know the end of that book.

[696] I'm assuming the dad killed himself because my dad was inconsolable.

[697] My dad hated reading to me. Cried every night.

[698] Just wanted to be anywhere else.

[699] Wanted to be anywhere else, but there with me. I think you, you know where I'm going with this was like, did you write the book that Seth wanted as a little boy?

[700] I don't know if that was what I was doing.

[701] I wanted to write a book with a beginning, middle, and end, and there's a bit of a sketch rhythm to it.

[702] There's some callbacks to a certain line of dialogue.

[703] Maybe you've not quite a catchphrase, but...

[704] No, no, and there's three beats.

[705] You got the river, you got the forest, you got the mountain.

[706] And I, because I like the books that...

[707] the kids cared what was going to happen.

[708] Unlike Stewart.

[709] Yeah, Stuart, they cared.

[710] That traumatized you.

[711] Maybe White had him.

[712] He was like, I don't know.

[713] I think we had to spend enough time writing about Stewart.

[714] It sounds to me like Stuart for you would be like if they cut six cents, like 12 minutes short, and we just never knew he was dead.

[715] He went home to his wife and she was still cold to him and that was it.

[716] That's right.

[717] That's right.

[718] So it's called I'm not scared.

[719] You're scared.

[720] Yeah.

[721] So it's about this bear.

[722] and ironically he's the biggest character in the book and he's the most afraid and he's got this little rascal friend this little bunny rabbit and she is all vip and vimmer vibber vim vim vim and vigger vim and vim and vignor she's a fucking pocket rocket right she's a little spark plug she's not afraid of a goddamn thing and so i guess i'm wrongly assuming that either one of your boys wants to be braver or that you wanted to be braver because why the fuck else would you write a book?

[723] Why do you care?

[724] Why do you give a shit about bravery, Seth?

[725] It's interesting just talking to your kids about fear because there's the two kinds of fear as a parent.

[726] There's the things where you are telling your kids you have nothing to be afraid of and then there are the times where you're thrilled that your kids are afraid of something.

[727] You don't want to have to tell your kid don't go to the top of that jungle gym.

[728] You want their internal human fear to be a guide.

[729] So it was trying to write about the different way, because, again, the bear is afraid of a lot of things he has no reason to be afraid of, but then the rabbit reaches a point where taking chances you would never want a kid to take.

[730] Because sometimes the bear's right, and then sometimes the rabbits are right.

[731] But I just kind of wanted my kids to think about that.

[732] And I feel the same way about being a parent, the kind of things you're afraid of as a parent because I think sometimes there are things that I over -stress about that my wife tells me to pull back on but then the flip side is true of some other things.

[733] Well, let us in.

[734] What's the realm of things that kind of you ruminate on?

[735] So my kids have scooters and they just zip through Washington Square Park.

[736] Zip through in Washington Square Park.

[737] You maybe have read the news.

[738] They're zipping between gentlemen who are maybe going through a tougher patch in their lives and they're fearless.

[739] A lot of drug trafficking.

[740] Yeah, they're just fearless.

[741] And I constantly watch them on their scooters, and all I hear in my head is Beastie Boys sabotage.

[742] I just want to edit together them in Washington.

[743] But they also stop when they get to the street.

[744] And I always am yelling to slow down, and Alexi will say to me, they know where the street is.

[745] We'll say, look, I'm not saying they're never going to maybe go to, but you're not actually adding anything.

[746] here other than projecting a fear onto them of a thing they know not to do.

[747] And can I also add, because I think I'm Alexi in this scenario, you're throwing more info at them when in fact they should just be concentrating at the task at hand.

[748] It's actually, even if you were right to say it, it probably wouldn't yield any positive result.

[749] A hundred percent.

[750] Yes.

[751] I believe you are an Alexi, true and true.

[752] I should also know the other day, I'm now on a scooter because I will take a razor scooter to school to pick up Ash who's on his scooter and then we'll come home together.

[753] Very embarrassing when people clock me as Seth Myers when I'm on my scooter alone.

[754] Because again, when I'm off to get him, because you can tell in a person's face and you want to say, I'm going to this isn't.

[755] You should have a shirt on in transit to pick up child.

[756] I parked the other day, just parked the scooter and then, like, cross -footed.

[757] I'm also super clumsy, and I think that's one of the reasons I'm afraid for my kids is outside my son's school, not even on the scooter anymore, getting off it, I fell down.

[758] Oh, I love you so much.

[759] You're right, though, because when you're with your kid, it's a fucking great look.

[760] Everybody take a peek.

[761] Look at me. I'm a hands -on dad.

[762] I'm doing what they want to do.

[763] Yeah.

[764] It's all positive.

[765] But just you, I'm like, if I see it, I'm like, that motherfucker commutes to work on a scooter.

[766] That's a big old move.

[767] And also, the thing about scooters for those who haven't done it for a while, because it's been a long, I had a long gap between being on a scooter and being on a scooter again.

[768] You get on it and you're flying and you're thinking, I can't believe I've been walking at all.

[769] And then, like, block three, only one leg is sore.

[770] That's the weird thing about a scooter.

[771] The leg on the scooter is doing fine, and then the pump leg, you're thinking, I think I'm going to be, I'm going to have a weird gait the rest of the afternoon.

[772] Yeah.

[773] Yeah, did you skateboard as a kid?

[774] No, I'm, again, everything ends with me on my back.

[775] Okay, and now what things do you think you're abnormally confident in that you don't sweat that other people sweat?

[776] Wife would be so mad that I tell the story.

[777] I don't think a grandparent can do anything over the course of one afternoon that will affect our child.

[778] future.

[779] I think they have diplomatic immunity, and you have to just let it happen.

[780] And I don't think you can look back.

[781] And my father -in -law Tom took Ash out, and they came back, and Ash is a terrible liar, which is great.

[782] You want your kids to be bad liars.

[783] And said, we went out and we didn't do anything.

[784] Like, you know, so we right away.

[785] And so she said, what do you mean?

[786] He said, we didn't do anything.

[787] We just went out and then we came back and we didn't do anything.

[788] And she was like, tell me, be honest.

[789] Tell me what we did.

[790] And he said that they got ice cream.

[791] And the ice cream was not what she was upset about.

[792] She literally said to her dad, like, if you teach him to lie, that's like how, if he ever got molested, he wouldn't tell us the truth.

[793] And I was like, this is, you have extrapolated this out so much.

[794] It's not fair that you basically said to your dad.

[795] Like, okay, but when the molestation happens...

[796] Yeah, he's now a victim.

[797] Congrats.

[798] You've done it.

[799] I mean, I really think you can tell who your kids are, right?

[800] They're both raised by the same set of parents, the little one we can't tell anything about.

[801] But we've raised our boys the same way other than the fact that the young one had an older brother.

[802] That's the really the only difference.

[803] And you can tell they're going to be different people, and so much of it is based on how they process information and whatnot.

[804] And look, obviously, as a parent, you make choices that are deeply important, but at some point, I feel like you're such the dominant gene as the parent that you don't have to sweat what other family members are doing.

[805] And does it line up for you guys where one of the boys is very similar to you and one of the boys is very similar to Alexi?

[806] I think Ash, our oldest, is very similar to Alexi, and Axel is closer to me, but Axel's a bit of a riddle.

[807] Like he's the most wonderful riddle We're delighted by him every day But he's Our doorman in our building Always say Ash is the sweetest boy He's so polite We love him so much Axel's like nothing We've ever seen before Like You know And just they can't get enough of them And we're the same way Same lineup Same lineup Second one is just this like We called her Shirley Farley forever She was like a mix Between Chris Farley and Shirley Temple Like cute enough that you just will write off any terrible thing she does.

[808] Yeah.

[809] Superpower.

[810] Superpower.

[811] Little Kristen Bell.

[812] In fact, I've said this on here.

[813] I started resenting my wife about a year and a half ago because it occurred to me like, oh, this is Kristen's life here, Delta's life.

[814] And I finally said to her, you have no clue what life's like.

[815] You don't know what life's like for everyone else that when you walk into a room, everyone instantly loves you.

[816] That's not life on planet Earth.

[817] And how dare you?

[818] You don't even know what we've gone through the rest of us.

[819] Oh, it's so funny.

[820] Yeah, it's interesting to see a child have charm and realize what an incredible tool that is for the rest of their life.

[821] Like, oh, man, look at you.

[822] Must be nice.

[823] Charisma.

[824] Effortless.

[825] No effort put in whatsoever.

[826] Just naturally can't be any other way.

[827] Oh.

[828] Now, if I have a note.

[829] So again, the bear.

[830] I'm really excited about it if I have a note.

[831] I know you stopped yourself, and I'm so excited.

[832] about this.

[833] I have one.

[834] No one says if I have a note without one.

[835] Oh, absolutely.

[836] That means I have a major fucking note coming your way.

[837] Buckle up.

[838] No. Okay, so there's a continuum or a spectrum and the bear is most scared.

[839] And then the rabbit, this cute, spunky person is fearless.

[840] And then I guess the conclude, well, there's two lessons to glean from this.

[841] One being somewhere in the middle is probably a good way to be.

[842] Yep.

[843] The other one is, I think, you often will do things for others that you can't do for yourself, which I love, and I've found in my own life a bazillion times.

[844] Yes.

[845] And I think that if there's ever a time to force yourself to have a courage that you maybe don't have innately, it is to do it for the benefit of someone else, someone you love.

[846] Now, here's my note.

[847] It's a cognitive behavioral therapy note.

[848] I was waiting for at some point.

[849] I was certain this rabbit was going to point out, that the fact that the bear had traveled by bus, train, and helicopter.

[850] I was waiting for a statistical punch in the face.

[851] Do you realize that bus has the...

[852] You see where I'm going with this?

[853] I was just prepared to find out that what he had done to avoid his fears made him 792 times more likely to die.

[854] So I'm not asking for you to change the story as much as maybe an aster.

[855] Yeah.

[856] Kids love mortality statistics.

[857] So I don't know why.

[858] So here's a true note.

[859] What's a kid's book?

[860] You're going to get through it.

[861] So I might give something away here.

[862] So I told this story to my kids first.

[863] I formulated it in my head, and I told it like a bedtime story, and they were very helpful, especially the older kid.

[864] There was a few versions that were a little too scary, and so that was great.

[865] Then I got line drawings of everything, almost storyboards, and I read it to them on that.

[866] And then I got...

[867] this is a PDF on the computer, the final art, showed it to him.

[868] I swear to God, start to finish, they saw the art 20 times, and they were very engaged in the love of it.

[869] Get the final copy of the book, read it to the first time, and the little guy goes, yeah, Daddy, why did he go on the, like, immediately points out something that I got wrong.

[870] And I'm like, where have you been?

[871] Where, why did you wait until today?

[872] But that's his style.

[873] And again, that's you, though, right?

[874] Isn't that you?

[875] Yeah, that's me. Seth, you don't have another book, right?

[876] Like a biography or something?

[877] Neither of you jump in here and say, no, Seth, please.

[878] I think a biography of mine would be super boring.

[879] And I've read a lot of my colleagues, and I feel as though they have more interesting lives.

[880] I also don't think I would feel particularly passionate at sitting down and writing that kind of book.

[881] I like writing a book, and one day I'd maybe like to write a chapter book for my kids that isn't picture -dependent, but I have no interest in writing a story about myself.

[882] Okay, can I pitch you something?

[883] Great.

[884] Because this has been kind of an awakening of mine in the last year, which is I retired from writing, because as you know, it's the very worst job someone can have.

[885] Screenwriting particularly.

[886] It's miserable.

[887] Let's just say it is the worst.

[888] I was working on a screenplay that was going terribly when I got late night.

[889] And when I got late night, my first thought wasn't, oh my God, I got a talk show.

[890] My first thought was, I don't ever have to finish that script.

[891] I was so happy I was so happy and I called my agents and the first thing I said was we have to give them the money back I'm not going to do this screen and you realize there's no infrastructure in Hollywood for the money to go the other way no I can't actually I don't even know that they can receive and so the amount they were like what if we brought on a couple other writers and you supervised it and I said oh no I can't I can't do it and so I don't ever want to think about this again I've done a lot of writing nothing in the world, and this is a credit to you to have written produced screenplays, there's nothing in the world harder than writing screenplay.

[892] We have Sedaris on kind of back to back within a year or something.

[893] I'm using the word force, but that's a dumb word.

[894] I'm forced to kind of read his stuff again.

[895] I loved it when I was younger, and then I'm revisiting it.

[896] And what occurs to me is like, A, writing is so fun.

[897] Like, reading that great writing makes me very much want to write.

[898] secondly what cedaris does which i think is genius is he just memorizes the bizarre interactions he has all over the world walking down the street in new york the hooker that approaches him and says she'll turn him all these things that like through his lens through his point of view of mundane i guess it's Seinfeldesk in that way it's just like he's remembering and attributing the perfect motivations and inner dialogue to all these other people he's just kind of moving through the world the observer of all of it.

[899] And that's something I think you could do brilliantly and should consider.

[900] I still do a little bit of stand -up, and I feel like that's where that.

[901] But that's the difference of what Sedaris does is so different than writing a biography, right?

[902] He just small slices.

[903] And so even in the reading of it, you don't feel the pressure of reading a biography either.

[904] That's interesting.

[905] You said that I've always felt that, too, when you read something great, it makes you want to write.

[906] So when I'm reading something great, all I want to do is write.

[907] And when I'm sitting and writing, all I want to do is go read.

[908] All I want to do what I'm trying to write is, you know, there's something out here that's been finished and I could just sit and read that right now.

[909] Yeah, yeah.

[910] So yeah, you can't write a book, or I prefer you didn't write a book, about a detective.

[911] Yeah.

[912] I need it to be about Seth moving through the world.

[913] Because you've had crazy experience.

[914] Yes, and it doesn't have to be about Seth.

[915] It just has to be about this comedic voice that we now know very well.

[916] You have an established point of view.

[917] I want to know what that's like when you're at Starbucks.

[918] I want to know what it's like when you're in an Uber.

[919] I want to know what it's like on an airplane.

[920] Lena, not Starbucks.

[921] Yeah, Lena.

[922] I'm sorry, so sorry.

[923] Well, yes, but maybe this time he was forced to go to Starbucks.

[924] Oh, wow.

[925] Big twist.

[926] The inciting incident is that Lena is shut down.

[927] I would love to know what went wrong for me. I would love it.

[928] What does it say about me that in the back of my head, I'm thinking, I'll write a fucking detective book.

[929] Fucking, you're going to love it.

[930] It's going to be the best detective.

[931] It's great.

[932] It's not a detective to solve crimes.

[933] It's going to be a detective going through life and having interesting interaction.

[934] It's secondary that he's a detective.

[935] This is all stuff that happens in between his shifts.

[936] Yeah, that's just like the lead character who's getting a job promotion as an art curator.

[937] It's just floating.

[938] He's just a detective.

[939] Like a lot of people, they're also people.

[940] That's the problem.

[941] They're also...

[942] Hey, can I say another thing?

[943] Well, we talked a little about things we don't like in shows.

[944] I actually don't need to see what the cop's home life is.

[945] There we go.

[946] Okay.

[947] Okay, tell me. Can you expound on that a little bit?

[948] If there's a show about police officers solving a crime, I'm just good with that.

[949] I'll go even further.

[950] People that seem to have that procedural genius, which there are many of them, and I sincerely applaud and admire what they do because I can't do that.

[951] That seems to be one side of a coin and their weakness is a home life scene.

[952] Even the way they shoot them in procedurals is dramatic lighting, all this weird shit.

[953] And you're like, well, that didn't feel like any human conversation I've ever been apart.

[954] I think they have nicer kitchens than cops actually have.

[955] Oh, yeah.

[956] But this is one of the great historical devices of police officers.

[957] In fact, there was a great script I read it.

[958] It was called The Mungoose, and it was an 80s detective who had been cryogenically frozen and he wakes up now.

[959] And what you remember from all the 80s lethal weapon, die hard, all these things.

[960] The cop only dated supermodels.

[961] He was loaded somehow.

[962] Loaded gorgeous and only dated supermodels and drove a fucking great car.

[963] Don Johnson, he's in a Ferrari.

[964] He lives on a great yacht.

[965] Crazy.

[966] And we're like, of course.

[967] Of course that's over.

[968] Cobra, right?

[969] Oh, Stallone.

[970] Great clothes?

[971] Not my style?

[972] $200 ,000 muscle car.

[973] Who's reimbursing him for the nitrous when he hits it?

[974] That's an expensive fuel.

[975] I think there was probably some asset forfeiture stuff that was maybe a little shady.

[976] I think a lot of those cops were maybe taking stuff.

[977] Okay.

[978] Well, that makes sense.

[979] Family money.

[980] Family money, that was the premise of bad boys.

[981] Is that Will Smith's character was his trust fund?

[982] Yeah, Stallone was from the Boston Cobras, the Cobra family.

[983] The Mayflower Cobra's.

[984] I imagine that that movie got set up because Sly in real life got that mercury lead sled with the chop top.

[985] And he was driving around.

[986] He was feeling so fucking good in it.

[987] And he was like, this is a movie.

[988] Yeah.

[989] That's my hunch on that pitch.

[990] And by the way, what a great time that it was.

[991] Absolutely.

[992] That he was right.

[993] He was right.

[994] He was right.

[995] I say this about Bert Reynolds all the time.

[996] I just would give anything to take a time machine.

[997] to those pitches.

[998] Because it was like, Burt would go in there with Hale Needham, and they'd go, it's Burt and Alligators.

[999] Yeah.

[1000] Gator.

[1001] And they're like, fuck yeah.

[1002] When do you guys start?

[1003] It's Burt and a Trans Am.

[1004] Yes.

[1005] How much do you need?

[1006] Everything was really just Burt in some kind of, like a ski boat or something great.

[1007] Here's my Burt Reynolds story.

[1008] I wasn't even there for, but here's my Burt Reynolds story.

[1009] So I worked at this improv theater in Amsterdam called Boom Chicago.

[1010] Oh, that was our last interview was primarily about Boom Chicago.

[1011] We talked about.

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] So, and I'm still close with those guys.

[1014] And I come out to L .A. and I've just left Amsterdam.

[1015] And the first time I was ever on TV, I was in an episode of Spin City with Charlie Sheen.

[1016] So late Spin City.

[1017] Walk off the Radford lot and call my friend in Amsterdam.

[1018] You know, like that floating of like everything about it felt like this is how a career begins.

[1019] So I call my friend, Andrew, who runs the theater.

[1020] And I tell him about having shot my first episode of television, which ultimately, isn't that good of a story, except that it's an accomplishment.

[1021] And then he says, when I finish, he says, Bert Reynolds was at the theater tonight.

[1022] And do you know the improv game, the dream, where you bring somebody up on stage, you ask them about their day, and then you improvise their dream.

[1023] And it's a very fun audience participation scene.

[1024] And they had heard Bert Reynolds was there.

[1025] He was shooting a movie in Amsterdam.

[1026] And they said, would you like to come up on stage?

[1027] He's like, yeah, I'll come up.

[1028] so Bert Reynolds comes up on stage and he sits there and he's talking about his day and he's being really charming and people are enjoying it and then a British guy in the back yells nice toupee and Bert goes who said that and this guy goes me and he goes get up here and so this British guy comes up on stage and they're standing and again I'm not here for this I'm retelling a story I've heard a million times but sure it's probably been punched up at least once oh for sure this is probably probably not even clay it was actually Dennis Hopper So, Bert Reynolds is on stage, and he goes, you don't think my hair is real?

[1029] And the guy, a little drunk, and also now not where he thought this was going to go.

[1030] And Bert Reynolds goes, I'll make you a bet.

[1031] I bet I can knock you out before you take it off my head.

[1032] And the guy just freezes.

[1033] Hold on.

[1034] This is almost like Stuart Little.

[1035] I almost don't.

[1036] I want my imagination of what's about to have.

[1037] happen is so wonderful.

[1038] So the guy freezes and everybody freezes and then Bert Reynolds goes, ah, I'm just fucking with you.

[1039] And like, pat's him on the back.

[1040] He goes, I guarantee this hair is real.

[1041] I know because I paid for it.

[1042] And then he goes, what's your name?

[1043] You know, and the guy's like, Barry.

[1044] He goes, hey, give it up for Barry, everybody.

[1045] Everybody applauds for Barry.

[1046] Now, Bert Reynolds is taken over the show.

[1047] Barry goes back to his seat.

[1048] Then Bert Reynolds, who, by the way, has barely been interviewed.

[1049] The whole point is he goes he's had, he's done.

[1050] He waves.

[1051] He waves.

[1052] He walks off stage, he goes back to his seat.

[1053] Well, look, he's such a professional.

[1054] He knew that was the peak of what his performance on stage was going to be, and he got the fuck off.

[1055] He knows what he's doing.

[1056] And I bet in his mind he probably thought, if I were you guys, I'd probably not improvise anymore tonight either.

[1057] I might just call it in a night.

[1058] Yes, it's kind of like you go into a Zoom interview right after.

[1059] Jim Carrey was out there in person, but then Will Ferrell.

[1060] And then I'm on on Zoom with technical difficulties.

[1061] Dax is here, but his mic's not working.

[1062] But we're going to get through it.

[1063] And he's only on my iPhone.

[1064] We had other issues.

[1065] I'm going to hold it.

[1066] I guess my last question is, and we kind of touched on it, because we've now set you on a journey of writing some essays.

[1067] It sounds like the pandemic for you really helped in this, and that it prevented you from ever getting into some kind of a lull or autopilot, which you're grateful for.

[1068] And I think that's great.

[1069] What other things percolate for you?

[1070] Like, what other things do you think you will want to do as well?

[1071] I still really like doing stand -up.

[1072] I went out last week.

[1073] It's still really exciting.

[1074] The idea of trying to build an hour is great.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] I've got this little show I do with Fred and Bill and Malaney called Documentary Now, which is, it's like a very small thing that is.

[1077] I've seen them.

[1078] They're brilliant.

[1079] It's nice to have this little.

[1080] It's sort of our ship -in -a -bottle show.

[1081] Let's spend a lot of time, not for everybody.

[1082] And then I don't know.

[1083] But, you know, I will say something that you guys have and something that I have, and obviously you don't want to get in a rut.

[1084] But, you know, it's very nice to have a base of operations.

[1085] And I think that that gives you, you know, again, especially as you are in this business for a long time, you get a little bit older, and you like to have the stability of knowing where you get to come every day.

[1086] If you can avoid a rut, I think it's a great jumping off place to be creative because you have this safety and, hey, there's this one thing I do.

[1087] Yeah, you have an infrastructure.

[1088] So many of the people we know, right?

[1089] They live a life.

[1090] Even people are successful.

[1091] There's an uncertainty about what the next thing is.

[1092] And so it's nice for me to know what the main thing is and then know the next thing.

[1093] I'm not sort of living or dying on it.

[1094] Okay, then I just have one follow -up question about the stand -up, which is, as we both discovered, great writing is a catalyst for us to want to write.

[1095] Yeah.

[1096] Because I have been ruminating and fantasizing about having an hour myself, but I know exactly where it comes from.

[1097] It comes from watching Chappelle and Aziz right now, where I just look where they've taken comedy and stand up.

[1098] Have either of those guys kind of made you want to write and think about what your version of that would be?

[1099] I think it's still for me the thrill of writing a joke, the best possible version of it.

[1100] And to be honest, so I think I'm most, you know, inspired by our friends.

[1101] Like Seinfeld or something.

[1102] Seinfeld for sure, Malaney.

[1103] And there's a lot of honesty in what he's doing right now.

[1104] But Neil Brennan writes really great jokes.

[1105] And so it's that, it's always, you know, it's that thing.

[1106] When you're sitting and watching it, that pull, you want to do it too.

[1107] Yeah, the most agonizing thing I can do in life is go observe an improv set.

[1108] It's like.

[1109] I don't know if I'm ever going to do it again.

[1110] Because either it's bad.

[1111] And you have mirror neurons.

[1112] You know what it's like to be on stage when it's bad.

[1113] So it's, like, more painful for you.

[1114] And then when it's great, you also have the mirror neurons of, like, I know the joy they're experiencing and I'm fucking sitting over here.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] That's why, there's right, there's no good outcome.

[1117] No, no. I, in fact, will go out on a limb and say right now, the next improv show I see, the only way it happens is if one of my children are in it.

[1118] Right.

[1119] Which in some weird way you get to experience.

[1120] Right.

[1121] I think that's how my dad experiences watching me on stage.

[1122] is every part of it is him saying, well, obviously, that's for me. That's for me. He got that for me. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[1123] All right, well, everyone should get, or, you know, I'm not going to go so far as to say that all adults without children should get this, but certainly all adults with children, I would advise, because I read it and I love it, and I'm excited to have a hard copy version of it to read my girls.

[1124] I'm not scared.

[1125] You're scared.

[1126] March 15th, Seth, I adore you.

[1127] Sincerely, I love you.

[1128] Sincerely, I like.

[1129] like being on your show.

[1130] I like when you're on our show.

[1131] This is breathtakingly easy to do and enjoyable to do and you're both excellent at it.

[1132] Thank you so much.

[1133] All right.

[1134] Thanks, Seth.

[1135] Thank you guys.

[1136] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[1137] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1138] Hello.

[1139] Hello, tie -dye.

[1140] You've left the world of fuzzies or furries behind.

[1141] Yeah, taking a break.

[1142] Now you're hippie.

[1143] Yeah, I like costumes.

[1144] Do people ask you if you want to buy acid when you're walking to your coffee spot?

[1145] Yeah, and I do.

[1146] Oh, are you currently on it?

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] Oh, my God, how many hits?

[1149] 12.

[1150] Oh, my God.

[1151] What's a normal amount?

[1152] That made me think of who was it?

[1153] Oh, you didn't watch it, but Robbie Robb did.

[1154] The climber.

[1155] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1156] He was a free solo climber, and he would climb ice.

[1157] he'd climb rock he just was crazy and he was doing these things no one else was doing and you found out before he did that he liked a party and when everyone did a hit acid he liked to do 12 oh wow yeah we talked about it it's kind of like first you think him dying is a tragedy but then if you actually go back and you think well he probably would have died much earlier from addiction for sure I wonder if also doing all that acid like made him more connected to the earth like want to climb I don't No, no. You said it opens up your creativity.

[1158] Well, yeah, shrooms, I assume LSD's the same.

[1159] I'm ill -versed on LSD.

[1160] Same.

[1161] It was the Alpinist with Mark Andre Leclair.

[1162] Yep, the Alpinist.

[1163] My hands have never sweated more profusely while watching something.

[1164] I can't really watch that stuff.

[1165] Yeah, do you know, I had to turn it off halfway through.

[1166] Yeah, free solo.

[1167] I wanted to watch that because everyone was talking about it.

[1168] Sure.

[1169] I just, I can't.

[1170] Yeah, anxiety.

[1171] my limits.

[1172] Did you ever finish it?

[1173] Did you turn it back on?

[1174] No, no. You just didn't see the end.

[1175] Well, you told me he died, so.

[1176] I don't know if I need to tune in to watch him die.

[1177] I mean, I was certain he was gonna while I was watching it.

[1178] I googled it like 15 minutes in.

[1179] Oh, just.

[1180] Well, I googled his name and then it said his death.

[1181] You, of course, you're just Googling all these people.

[1182] You're Googling.

[1183] I want to know what kind of ride I was.

[1184] Yeah, that's fair.

[1185] You needed to know how it ended.

[1186] I just kind of assume that.

[1187] That's funny.

[1188] I wouldn't have assumed it.

[1189] And then I would have been shell -shocked.

[1190] Really upset.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] There's a moment, Monica.

[1193] It's like you see him climbing this bit of ice that's hanging off a cliff, right?

[1194] You know, you're seeing his back and you're seeing it flush.

[1195] But then they come around the fucking side to show you the thickness of what he's climbing on.

[1196] And Monica, it was like fucking 10 inches thick.

[1197] And it was like an 80 -foot sheet.

[1198] And you're like, that's not enough.

[1199] enough to be chopping into and no i get like one time maybe aaron sent us a picture or something of michigan and like people are out on the frozen lake oh right right i'm not into that that gave me so much anxiety like people are like walking on a that was it that our buddy dean sent us a video of like there's snowmobiles out there the kids are riding snowmills there's a guy in a camero on some kind of drift course he's created right you're not even supposed to step foot on that.

[1200] No, you can.

[1201] No, you can.

[1202] Yeah, yeah, we have an ice festival.

[1203] Like, Waldlake had an ice festival in the middle of winter and you park your cars out on it.

[1204] No, I'm never going to that.

[1205] You'll like it.

[1206] No, I saw some horrible TV, like maybe Punky Brewster or something, like some show when I was little and someone fell in the ice.

[1207] Thin ice.

[1208] Don't go on thin ice.

[1209] Look, I don't like water or cold or drowning.

[1210] Right.

[1211] Those are three of your major deterrence.

[1212] Yeah, so I don't think I'm going to go to a festival.

[1213] It keeps you from studying physics.

[1214] It kept you from yeah i hate physics yeah i hate it so this was fun i love set me too he's inspirational yeah but we talk about his kids book which is cool uh -huh and and i read it to my children's and they liked it they signed off on it they gave it the thumbs up and i thought it would be interesting to hear about your favorite children's books okay growing up yeah the one that's so interesting because I'd say it's my favorite, and I fucking hate it.

[1215] It's the worst book ever written is The Giving Tree.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] Like, it is seared into the most important part of my brain and memory as a child, is the Giving Tree.

[1218] Yeah.

[1219] I looked at it all the time.

[1220] It was read to me a bunch of times.

[1221] Dr. Seuss as well, there's a few in there that, like, are indelible, The Grinch.

[1222] And what other ones did I love?

[1223] But the Giving Tree.

[1224] That man is a fucking jerk.

[1225] That little boy.

[1226] He's a piece of shit.

[1227] He's a fucking piece of shit.

[1228] And he takes, takes, takes, until he kills that fucking tree.

[1229] The thing that loved him unconditionally.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] It's sad.

[1232] There have been on the internet new renditions of the giving tree.

[1233] Oh, I like that.

[1234] That's like teaching you basically how not to be codependent.

[1235] It is weird.

[1236] That book suffers from being in the wrong time.

[1237] I think it's a tragedy.

[1238] I think at the time it was supposed to teach you to not just, take take take i think you're supposed to be sad for the tree yeah and i think you're supposed to know that the man was selfish and egocentric the part that's confusing i bet which is is that when the old man now he can't do anything but sit and he sits on her stump and she was so happy yeah that's what's sad she shouldn't be happy i guess you're right you should feel bad for like even back then maybe But I feel like the takeaway was like, yeah, like unconditional, like unconditional love.

[1239] Like give that.

[1240] Let people take everything and die.

[1241] Well, look, it's kind of like a, the parents are the tree in a way.

[1242] Yeah, like I'll die for you.

[1243] I'll die for you.

[1244] I'll give and give until you've taken everything as long as I can see you be happy.

[1245] Yeah, it's sad.

[1246] It's fucking, I hate that book.

[1247] But you love it.

[1248] I love it so much.

[1249] And I think I told you, I had this idea to finally break through to the children that destroying the house is unethical.

[1250] Oh.

[1251] Like our house is the giving tree.

[1252] It gives us warmth.

[1253] It gives us shelter.

[1254] It's where we make our food.

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] I want to somehow connect those dots.

[1257] It's like, no, no, this thing is perfect right now.

[1258] And it's giving us everything.

[1259] Our responsibility is to treat it and keep it really nice and pristine.

[1260] For sure.

[1261] Because it's just like the tree.

[1262] Because I think it's abstract.

[1263] at them like why do we care if the house is fucked up i get it i get it because most parents will go like this was expensive you know how like myself you know how many years i worked to have a house like this like that doesn't hold any fucking sway for them right that's all they know so they don't have anything to connect it and they haven't worked 40 years and save money they don't even know what the fuck i'm talking about they don't know if that's a lot of money or a little money you know also if i'm really breaking it down like it down preach if you tell them to clean the room i get it they're like why like it's not your room who cares if i'm fine with it being a mess why do you care that was always my argument yeah me too and i would leave half hot dogs in my room happy eating hot dogs you're a messy little baby i ate my room a lot and then i would leave it hide would you hide it though no no no you wouldn't like stuff it under your bed no no no no i wasn't like trying to hoard it for later no but just like the way you would try to find places in your room to white boogers and you dedicate a place to wiping your bookers every human does mine was like under my bed frame that's the most common place yeah like i don't feel bad about that it's not a fabric sure and i think it'll just dry into invisibility i don't know also i think i told you this one of a very little boy i used to pee in my trash can to save the effort of going to the bathroom that night and then it smelled like pee pee what i didn't realize is there was a crack in the trash can because i would go to empty it in the morning and there would be less pee -pee and then I figured out that there was a crack then I was embarrassed I'm sure my mother was like it smells like pee -p I'm sure your mother was like hey this house is the giving tree please stop peeing all over it thousand percent and she literally was working midnights to give us that oh yeah but I just I think like also making the bed a lot of parents really want their kids to make their bed yeah and um I just can't get behind it well nor could I But recently I've been hearing in meetings a ton.

[1264] Messy bed, messy head.

[1265] And I believe it.

[1266] Really?

[1267] Yeah, it's like if you look behind you when you exit your bedroom and you've left something that virtually needs to be done, and that's how you started your day.

[1268] You left something worse than you found it.

[1269] You've created work for yourself.

[1270] And you've already kind of fucked that up.

[1271] Like you're living your life in a messy way right from the jump.

[1272] Interesting.

[1273] So I've been making my bed.

[1274] I like that.

[1275] And I've been going around the house and making other people's beds.

[1276] And I like it.

[1277] I walk into the room and I'm like, this is a place that's put together.

[1278] I took the time and then I just feel better.

[1279] There's no morals about making your bed.

[1280] No, no, but that's something to think about.

[1281] Parents will position it as like a moral thing.

[1282] Well, I don't think they do.

[1283] I think they're just like, make your bed or you're grounded.

[1284] And it's like, but why?

[1285] What is the point of this?

[1286] I'm getting in it again.

[1287] I'm going to mess it up again.

[1288] This is very futile and a waste of my time.

[1289] Right.

[1290] Not to mention when lady, my CEO, who is my cleaner comes.

[1291] Her name is lady.

[1292] I'm not just calling her lady.

[1293] No, and, by the way, I saw it writing for the first time a couple weeks ago.

[1294] I didn't know what's spelled that way.

[1295] L -E -I -D -Y.

[1296] Wow.

[1297] That is exciting.

[1298] She's like my facialist.

[1299] Like I'm scared to say her name because she's so good.

[1300] I love her so much.

[1301] She does treats.

[1302] I like walk in and then like the.

[1303] It's like sometimes there's something extra.

[1304] She just like folds the underwear really nice and like she's just on top of her shit.

[1305] She's so good.

[1306] She's my CEO.

[1307] Yeah.

[1308] So she comes and she'll clean and then I'll come in and everything looks beautiful.

[1309] It feels so good.

[1310] But there is something about my bedroom when I walk in and it looks perfect that like it feels cold.

[1311] Oh, okay.

[1312] Like I almost like a little bit of messiness.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] So for me it's like my head is a very messy place.

[1315] Yeah.

[1316] And so.

[1317] Me too.

[1318] And so if my little chamber I go into, by the way, I'm in and out of there all day.

[1319] So I just, I see it as a mess all day if I don't make the bed.

[1320] By the way, I'm only like a few months into this.

[1321] So it's not like I'm standing on some pedestal.

[1322] But I'm just saying I've been doing it and I definitely like it.

[1323] And I feel like my world is less chaotic and more stable.

[1324] That's awesome.

[1325] Do you make your bed, Rob?

[1326] His wife does.

[1327] Natalie, well.

[1328] Natalie does.

[1329] Because I, because you're breastfeeding?

[1330] You're in the middle of breastfeeding and so she has to make the bed.

[1331] Calvin makes his bed every morning.

[1332] Oh, that's nice.

[1333] He likes to surprise us by brushing his teeth, making his bed and getting his rest.

[1334] What a good boy.

[1335] Except he'll yell at us if we like watch him do any of it.

[1336] Oh, sure.

[1337] So it has to all be in like secrecy.

[1338] He wants to surprise you.

[1339] Yeah, I get that.

[1340] That is so cute.

[1341] Oh, my God.

[1342] I want to swap kids.

[1343] So cute.

[1344] Okay, so the Giving Tree.

[1345] That's your book.

[1346] What's yours?

[1347] I really liked Alexander's No Good, Very Bad Day.

[1348] Oh.

[1349] Well, it's a longer title than that.

[1350] That's a great title -ish.

[1351] No Good.

[1352] No Good Very Bad Day, right?

[1353] Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

[1354] Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

[1355] Oh.

[1356] He had a bad day.

[1357] Did you think your parents got that for you because you were a little grumpy sometimes?

[1358] No. No, I don't know.

[1359] I'm not sure.

[1360] But then I moved on kind of quickly to chapter books.

[1361] Right.

[1362] You're a studious child.

[1363] When I was little, I read a lot.

[1364] And then my first real obsession was the fudge books.

[1365] What are they called?

[1366] Peter Fudge.

[1367] It was Beverly Cleary, I think.

[1368] Or was it?

[1369] That was Ramona, maybe.

[1370] I also loved the Ramona Beezus and Ramona Ramona and her father, Ramona and her mother.

[1371] Oh.

[1372] I loved those.

[1373] My aunt read me Beezas and Ramona before I could read.

[1374] Gateway.

[1375] And I loved it.

[1376] There's Judy Bloom.

[1377] Judy Bloom is the Fudge books.

[1378] Yes.

[1379] And I loved those.

[1380] Fudge was a rascal.

[1381] Oh, it's a character's name.

[1382] Yeah.

[1383] Oh, I was thinking of poop, of course.

[1384] Oh, no, no. He's a boy.

[1385] He's a rascal?

[1386] Oh, big time, big time.

[1387] I bet you were you rascal.

[1388] But I really liked, I really liked Siri.

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] To, like, get all the way in, like, know the characters.

[1391] Live in it.

[1392] Yeah.

[1393] I forgot one.

[1394] Okay.

[1395] The most important book in our household is the warm fuzzy book.

[1396] Sure.

[1397] Have I shown it to you?

[1398] You've talked about it.

[1399] I've purchased it for some friends over the years.

[1400] Oh, that's nice.

[1401] And it's not as pretty as I remember, but let's get past that.

[1402] That's okay.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] The premise of the warm fuzzy book is there's a village of people, and when they're born, they get a little bag of warm fuzzies.

[1405] And when they see people, they give them the warm fuzzy And it makes them feel warm and fuzzy And then a witch comes to town And she starts telling people that You know, the warm fuzzies are limited You'll run out You don't want to run out So in place, she's selling cold pricklies And she convinces everyone that they're going to run out And that they need to buy these cold prickly So people buy these bags of cold pricklies Yes Scarcity.

[1406] Scarcity.

[1407] It works all the time I don't think I have to break down what the message of the book is.

[1408] But, you know, people sometimes operate as if they're warm and fuzzies are finite, and they're not.

[1409] You don't need to give cold pricklies.

[1410] But in our household, that was a very, like, seminal, revered, cherished, celebrated book.

[1411] It was the theme of our household.

[1412] That's lovely.

[1413] Give out warm fuzzies.

[1414] Written by Claude Steiner.

[1415] There we go.

[1416] A German.

[1417] Oh.

[1418] Ding, ding, ding.

[1419] diner.

[1420] I've never been exposed to that book.

[1421] Well, when you were saying yours, it's occurring to me that is very generational, unfortunately.

[1422] I kind of thought that mine were timeless, and you probably thought yours were timeless.

[1423] Well, the giving tree is timeless, for sure.

[1424] Where the sidewalk ends.

[1425] Love shells in the attic.

[1426] Yeah, light in the attic.

[1427] Remember, we read some of his poems on here once.

[1428] Yeah, the girl who piled up the trash.

[1429] Ding, ding, ding, messiness.

[1430] Yes, a Mixed messiness.

[1431] Okay, well, there's one fact.

[1432] I got to give a shout out to my favorite current book.

[1433] I got a couple that I've accumulated now over the last eight years of reading these books to my kids.

[1434] Yes.

[1435] Platapus.

[1436] God, no, what's it was, Quackenstein.

[1437] Oh, Quackenstein.

[1438] I don't know the full title.

[1439] Maybe Wally, okay.

[1440] Quackenstein is a tremendous.

[1441] It's a beautiful book.

[1442] Quackenstein hatches a family.

[1443] Quackenstein hatches a family.

[1444] An enormous endorsement for Quackenstein for me. And you're going to do his voice, too, because he's a bastard.

[1445] That book is great.

[1446] Kristen brings that up a lot when people ask her about favorite kids' books and stuff.

[1447] It's a very good one.

[1448] Second one, the great paper caper.

[1449] Oh, you love that one.

[1450] Oh, my God, it's like a Wes Anderson movie.

[1451] Yeah, it's very beautifully drawn, like the illustrations.

[1452] Oliver Jeffers, right?

[1453] Is that it?

[1454] Yeah.

[1455] Oh, my God.

[1456] Yeah, Calvin has.

[1457] that one.

[1458] That's a good one.

[1459] Did you see the French dispatch yet?

[1460] No. I recommended it.

[1461] I loved it.

[1462] Yeah, I need to see it.

[1463] I've heard mixed things, but I trust you, so I will watch it.

[1464] What was your mix?

[1465] I know a few people who did not enjoy it.

[1466] Okay.

[1467] Were those people Philistines?

[1468] Were they knuckle draggers?

[1469] Did you notice they had an excessive amount of hair around their...

[1470] Pussy pack?

[1471] Oh, I wish.

[1472] Wait, are these people that were doing a reverse pack?

[1473] They were in the middle of a reverse bag.

[1474] reverse back so maybe their head wasn't clear they were probably distracted yeah yeah no it's really great i loved it my favorite from reading to the kids is giraffs can't dance oh that's my favorite i loved that one that's a good one what do you why do you think you um oh this all makes sense by the way let's break it down okay all right hit me with why you think you were drawn to giraffe can't dance because i guess it's about like being your true self yeah yeah being your true self it's sweet And then Quackenstein is about a grumpy bastard who lets love into his life.

[1475] These are so transparent for us.

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] What one's your favorite, Rob?

[1478] I liked Little Critter a lot as a kid.

[1479] And what's the message of Little Critter?

[1480] He was the little...

[1481] He was a guy into music who rose to prominence.

[1482] Anthropomorphic character.

[1483] Yeah, he was just getting in...

[1484] I don't know, he just did stuff.

[1485] He was a rascal.

[1486] Yeah, he was a rascal.

[1487] Oh, that makes sense.

[1488] Rob is a rascal.

[1489] He is.

[1490] He is a rascal.

[1491] That's great.

[1492] And then Calvin loves the Calvin and Hobbs right now.

[1493] Just because his names in it?

[1494] Which those are a little rough for a little kid sometimes.

[1495] Yeah, that seems more like older.

[1496] Yeah, yeah.

[1497] The humor and stuff definitely goes over his head when I read it to it.

[1498] Was it like sexual in nature or what is?

[1499] No, but I don't know.

[1500] It's just adult themes and humor and.

[1501] Okay.

[1502] Yeah.

[1503] I don't know much about the Calvin.

[1504] Me either.

[1505] I was never a comic.

[1506] Is Calvin and Hobbs comic?

[1507] It is, which we bought him.

[1508] the box set when he was born he was never old enough to actually crack those open and now that he is he wants to read it every night I bless you for keeping that thing around for four or five years just waiting patiently It's heavy too Yeah But he'll probably pass that down to his kids Yeah name is kid Hobbs Yeah exactly I think that's the rock's name in the Fast and Furious franchise Do you want to do another Megalith role play?

[1509] Sure.

[1510] Help!

[1511] I'm stuck in a frozen lake!

[1512] Again?

[1513] It's me, Megalith.

[1514] Megalith, please help me. I'm drowning and cold.

[1515] Cover your eyes while I drop Megalus all around you.

[1516] You'll use them as a staircase to get to safety.

[1517] Oh, no!

[1518] Help still!

[1519] Oh, no!

[1520] I've got to get better with my aim.

[1521] Until next time, Megalith.

[1522] Yeah, that was the end of her.

[1523] I got a little crazy with my...

[1524] Yeah, you got a little over...

[1525] The ice was thicker than I thought it was going to be and actually held the weight of the megalith and then it slid on top of you.

[1526] Sure.

[1527] The tales of megalith are always rough for little miniature mouse.

[1528] Can we do one where the character in Megalith have a reverse back?

[1529] I don't think we should act that out.

[1530] Okay, okay.

[1531] People can use their imagination on that.

[1532] Help, help!

[1533] It's been years since I had a reverse back.

[1534] Fear not.

[1535] Megalith invented the reverse back.

[1536] Oh, wow.

[1537] Okay, he's taking credit for that.

[1538] My previous name was Reverseback Man. And then I switched to Megalith.

[1539] Well, first Boulder.

[1540] We try not to bring that up.

[1541] Okay, so statistical chances of dying if you travel by train.

[1542] Okay.

[1543] A 1 in 243 ,756 chance.

[1544] Okay.

[1545] So, you know, that's pretty good.

[1546] Great, it's great.

[1547] That's pretty good.

[1548] One in a quarter mill.

[1549] And then this is by helicopter.

[1550] Oh, this is going to be lower.

[1551] These numbers don't seem high until one considers how relatively few helicopter flights occur each year.

[1552] In fact, according to the USHST, the fatal accident rate for helicopters climbed from 0 .54 per 100 ,000.

[1553] flight hours in 2016 to 0 .82 in 2018.

[1554] That's more than a 50 % increase, which is frightening.

[1555] I wish that were in terms of the train.

[1556] I wish they were using the same thing.

[1557] Well, I have this other chart.

[1558] Okay.

[1559] Deaths by transportation mode.

[1560] And it's broken down by date.

[1561] What date would you like?

[1562] Oh, tonight.

[1563] Tonight.

[1564] Okay.

[1565] This is 2007 to 2009.

[1566] And this is deaths per 100 million passenger miles.

[1567] Okay.

[1568] Okay.

[1569] Let's just look at 2009.

[1570] Passenger vehicles, 0 .53.

[1571] Okay.

[1572] Buses, 0 .04.

[1573] Okay.

[1574] Railroad passenger trains.

[1575] Point 0 .02.

[1576] Oh, right.

[1577] And scheduled airlines, 0 .01.

[1578] Oh, right.

[1579] Okay, so in general, a plane is twice as safe as a train.

[1580] A train is twice as safe as a bus, and a bus is 11 times safer than a car.

[1581] Wow, fast math.

[1582] Oh, man, that's great.

[1583] So how much unsafe is a car than a plane?

[1584] It is a car is 53 times more dangerous than a plane.

[1585] In 2009.

[1586] In 2015, oh, new stats.

[1587] Yes, new stats.

[1588] Passenger vehicles, 0 .49.

[1589] Okay.

[1590] Buses, 0 .04.

[1591] Great.

[1592] Passenger trains, 0 .07.

[1593] Ooh, rough year for trains.

[1594] And scheduled airlines, zero.

[1595] There you go.

[1596] So...

[1597] Zero, zero.

[1598] Yeah, you know, the planes are going to dramatically win this every time.

[1599] Of course, of course, of course.

[1600] Nothing is horse, of course, and nothing can talk to all.

[1601] horse.

[1602] Although the trains seem to be fluctuating.

[1603] Oh yeah.

[1604] There's always good and bad years.

[1605] You don't know if you're going to have that knucklehead and Long Beach driving it into a parking lot.

[1606] Exactly.

[1607] You just don't know.

[1608] And the buses seem to hover around the 0 .04, 0 .05 marker.

[1609] As well as cars are like 0 .5.

[1610] Exactly.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] This is exciting stuff.

[1613] I'm glad we know this.

[1614] We learned.

[1615] I'm glad you didn't put motorcycles into that calculator.

[1616] No. I don't want to know about that.

[1617] No one does.

[1618] Do you want to talk about any times you've been on Seth's show that you've liked, like any stories that have stood out?

[1619] Well, I've liked all of them, but I think the most incredible one was the time that we landed, we got in a like an SUV to drive me to the show.

[1620] It was a very small window.

[1621] Uh -huh.

[1622] Then we got hit by a car.

[1623] God, scary.

[1624] All rush houry.

[1625] Have to get off the highway, exchange information with this knucklehead, a fight and sued, didn't go well.

[1626] I think we even had to chase the car down.

[1627] Oh, my God.

[1628] Yeah.

[1629] And by the time I got there, I swear to God, I walked in to the door, walked into the room.

[1630] They put a mic on me. They, like, dusted my face with makeup.

[1631] And then I just put my hand through my hair and then I walked on stage.

[1632] So I didn't.

[1633] Yeah.

[1634] Normally, you've done a pre -interview.

[1635] So in that little cushion, you're reminded of the story you told because you forget, obviously.

[1636] It was days earlier.

[1637] Yeah.

[1638] So I just went out there kind of fucking blind.

[1639] Oof.

[1640] But I've only had really great times on his show.

[1641] I don't think I've had a stinker by my estimation.

[1642] Yeah.

[1643] I just love talking to him as we did.

[1644] Here.

[1645] So fun.

[1646] You just click with some people, you know?

[1647] Who's your favorite?

[1648] Obviously, we won't say least favorite.

[1649] But who's your favorite?

[1650] This is really a bizarre way to think of.

[1651] But I would have two different answers for this.

[1652] Who have I had my best talk show performances with?

[1653] Conan hands down.

[1654] Okay.

[1655] Great.

[1656] Who do I enjoy the most?

[1657] Kimmel, because we're like besties, and we go out there and we generally have pretty sincere conversations, which are good, too.

[1658] Very, yeah.

[1659] Yeah, I don't mind, like, just showing this other side.

[1660] But just kind of laugh out loudy things, Conan gets competitive with you in a great way.

[1661] He pushes you to be your best.

[1662] Yes.

[1663] Yeah, if I'm funny at a four and he takes it to a five, I've got to go to six, and then we just ramp each other up.

[1664] And then I'm often out of my chair doing things physical that I've never planned on doing.

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] Fun.

[1667] What's your favorite?

[1668] Kimmel Ducks.

[1669] That's the only one I've done.

[1670] And he was so nice.

[1671] Right?

[1672] You just feel very safe.

[1673] What I like about his energy is he's just very confident.

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] And he's very calm.

[1676] And you don't get that, like, anxiety blast that I've gotten on other.

[1677] show.

[1678] And just like the whole vibe there is so warm.

[1679] Everyone loves each other and his family.

[1680] Yes.

[1681] It's like a nice little team there.

[1682] Yeah, it starts with Mickey.

[1683] You go in and you meet his cousin Mickey, who she's the most wonderful, warm, lovely human being.

[1684] You started off with a hug and then you're likely to see cousin Sal.

[1685] The whole family, the whole gang, yeah.

[1686] It's awesome.

[1687] And when we were there, Tony was there.

[1688] Tony Hale.

[1689] That was a pop out.

[1690] That made me feel so good.

[1691] Yeah.

[1692] I noticed Tony Hale contributed to your article.

[1693] He did.

[1694] I know.

[1695] How did that come about?

[1696] I don't know.

[1697] I have no idea.

[1698] Oh, yeah.

[1699] I was happy, though, because that was, you know, in your top three favorite guests we've ever had.

[1700] I love him.

[1701] I love him.

[1702] He's as sweet as it gets.

[1703] Well, Seth, hope to go on Seth someday.

[1704] Yeah, I think you should.

[1705] You'd be a great.

[1706] partner for him to Smarty Pances.

[1707] Smarty Pants.

[1708] All right, I love you.

[1709] Love you.

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