Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] This special live -recorded episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend is presented by Chevy and their lineup of electric vehicles.
[1] Now, just because you're established doesn't mean you can't be an innovator.
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[7] an EV for everyone no matter the life stage or budget, head to Chevy .com slash Conan to learn more.
[8] All is here, hear the yell, back to school and ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, time the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[9] I can tell that...
[10] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the host of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, Conan O 'Brien.
[11] It's harder for me to pretend I don't have a friend.
[12] I have to tell you.
[13] I wish I could find a friend.
[14] There's 35 ,000 people cheering.
[15] Wow, that was incredibly nice.
[16] Thank you so much.
[17] This means a world to me. Thank you.
[18] We are so glad that you're here.
[19] As you know, we started doing this podcast on a whim.
[20] about three years ago and you guys turned it into this big thing and we are eternally grateful.
[21] We're really happy.
[22] Of course I don't do it alone.
[23] I wish I did.
[24] But I thought no it's not funny with just me. I need two people who really irritate me all the time by my side and I love them both dearly.
[25] Let's hear it for Matt Gourley and so no more obsessio!
[26] Wow.
[27] This is incredible.
[28] I just want to ask quickly because I know that this is a big...
[29] This has really changed your lives a little bit, right?
[30] I mean, Sona, when...
[31] Wait.
[32] You had a very humdrum existence.
[33] What?
[34] Before I showed up and then I cast my magical beam on you and then, whoa, suddenly wherever you go...
[35] Huh?
[36] What?
[37] No, you get recognized a lot, do you not?
[38] Yeah, I do.
[39] Yeah, I do.
[40] I, um, wait, because of the podcast or because of, uh...
[41] No, because you're a great assistant.
[42] No. Hey, aren't you that assistant?
[43] It really does a pretty good job.
[44] Yeah.
[45] You read about you.
[46] You always put up my dry cleaning.
[47] No, you can't.
[48] Yeah, I do.
[49] This is exciting.
[50] You have a very memorable voice and people recognize you.
[51] Yeah, but I don't, I mean, would I say you changed my life?
[52] The best thing that ever happened to you.
[53] Oh, no. And you're married with children.
[54] I'm still.
[55] Every night, don't you, you're a little baby's, don't you say to them?
[56] And then I met the greatest man ever.
[57] No, I've never said that in my whole life ever.
[58] Good night.
[59] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you're right, they'd get too excited, and then they wouldn't go to sleep.
[60] No. You know him?
[61] Ah!
[62] Do they, they don't speak yet.
[63] They're 10 months, right?
[64] Yeah, they're 10 months old.
[65] They don't know who you are.
[66] They don't think that's possible.
[67] I have absolutely no idea who you are.
[68] Oh, just they live under a rock.
[69] No, I think they've seen you and they're scared of you.
[70] You're the whitest person they've ever met.
[71] I did go over to Sonas house to visit the twins.
[72] I've been over to see them.
[73] And then you brought them over to our new offices.
[74] And your sons were just looking at me and looking up at my hair and looking at me and looking up at my hair and then I was moving my hair and they became transfixed.
[75] Do you know when I do?
[76] Yeah.
[77] Oh my God.
[78] I was doing that.
[79] Well, now you're transfixed.
[80] I am.
[81] You're drooling like a baby.
[82] Because your head and your hair are in two different municipal zones.
[83] It's broken.
[84] Yeah.
[85] No, don't touch it.
[86] No. It's held on with Velcro.
[87] Matt Gourley, how are you?
[88] It's good to see you.
[89] I'm well.
[90] Thank you.
[91] Yeah, you look terrific.
[92] And Matt is the major.
[93] behind the scenes who makes the madness come together.
[94] You really do.
[95] Thank you.
[96] And yet still, I do nothing but insult you and belittle you.
[97] Yeah, you have changed my life in that way.
[98] No, before you met me, you were never insulted so often.
[99] Yeah, it's really different.
[100] There you go.
[101] Changed your life.
[102] You've made me a shell of a human being.
[103] There you go.
[104] Yeah, you do break down the people you work with.
[105] Yes, I do.
[106] Yeah, you do.
[107] It's the service I provide.
[108] No, I am very excited.
[109] We have a terrific guest.
[110] We'll get to that in a little bit.
[111] And we're going to have a lovely time tonight.
[112] And I love, it's so funny to me that when we started doing the podcast, I was doing a TV show and had been doing one for many, many years.
[113] And then I thought, I want to do something completely different, a departure.
[114] So I started, we started just in a little room, the three of us, doing the podcast.
[115] And it felt so different.
[116] And then it started to grow and grow and grow.
[117] and then they started to say, hey, you know what you could do?
[118] You could, actually, we could start shooting it and having some of it on TV or, you know, footage.
[119] And I'm like, okay.
[120] And then they said, you know what you could do?
[121] You could start doing them in front of an audience.
[122] And then they said, if you've got the audience, you should get the band.
[123] And I'm like, okay.
[124] I am right back where I fucking started.
[125] Yeah.
[126] I mean, how is this?
[127] I swear to God, if I became, you know, a podiatrist, to be like, you're pretty good podiatrist, you're pretty good, yeah, you're a good podiatrist.
[128] You know, it'll be good?
[129] If we had a couple of people here, just watching you.
[130] Do you think maybe you died and you're a ghost who has to, like, work something out before they can pass on or something?
[131] I mean, you look like a ghost.
[132] If this is it, I am not going.
[133] This is not, it's not punishment to get killer crowds and be here in L .A. doing what I love.
[134] So if this is a punishment, I will take it.
[135] Well, we are very happy to be here tonight as part of the Netflix as a joke festival.
[136] Yeah.
[137] It's exciting.
[138] I realized, I think, well, you and I did Bonaroo a long time ago, but really this is the first real festival.
[139] Oh.
[140] I'm thinking that I've done.
[141] And I was thinking like, this is cool because it's like we're like an act on Woodstock, you know?
[142] Ooh.
[143] Are we?
[144] Woodstock?
[145] No, I meant Woodstock 99, not so.
[146] I'm more, I'm more like, I'm not, I wasn't saying I was Jimmy Hendricks, I'm saying I'm, I'm the bass player for limp biscuit.
[147] Yeah.
[148] And everyone out there's covered in mud and human excrement.
[149] Yeah, and it's a, it's just hemorrhaging cash.
[150] No, that's the woodstock I was talking about.
[151] I would never say we would have been at the 69 Woodstock.
[152] No, if we were, we'd be shan -na -na -ha.
[153] I'd be canned heat.
[154] I'm going to the country, got to get away.
[155] Okay, I don't know that reference.
[156] Oh, come on.
[157] These references are just what the kids love these days.
[158] Come on, a little more, a little more.
[159] Yeah, Karen Heath.
[160] Remember that?
[161] Jimmy, you know that one, right?
[162] Oh.
[163] Wow, we just made, thank you.
[164] Look, people are filing out.
[165] I was in traffic for six hours.
[166] How was it with Carl?
[167] He sang some song from the late 60s.
[168] Oh, in a very high alto.
[169] I did not enjoy it, and I didn't understand it, man. I think there might be another way that we could further alienate Sona if we're interested in that.
[170] Which is that, which is what?
[171] Okay, well, many of you probably know that it's the 4th of May today, which means it's Star Wars Day.
[172] That's right, it's Star Wars Day.
[173] Yeah, may the 4th be with you.
[174] May the 4th be with you.
[175] Someone came up with that a couple of years ago and had an orgasm and then...
[176] Yeah, it was...
[177] Fourth of May!
[178] Be the 4th be!
[179] Oh, fuck!
[180] Did you have a camera in my room?
[181] See, it's like the forest, but it's the forest.
[182] The reason that we bring this up is that some people might not know, but you are technically in the Star Wars canon.
[183] You are officially part of the Star Wars universe.
[184] We were doing a week of shows in San Francisco, I don't know, 12 years ago.
[185] And one of the guests was Mr. George Lucas.
[186] Heard of them.
[187] And he came on the program, and then as like a nice gesture, said Conan from now on, there's a character that hasn't been named.
[188] Yeah, Admiral Mottie, but he didn't have a full name.
[189] Okay, well, all right.
[190] Yeah, I'm just, look, I'm just stating the...
[191] Oh!
[192] Yeah, there's a guy, and so they named him.
[193] They named him after me. Yeah, I think it's Conan and Anthony Mottie, I think.
[194] Uh -huh.
[195] Well, you've got to get it just right, or people are going to be pissed.
[196] I know.
[197] They're walking out.
[198] I thank you for being so cool that you didn't care about that.
[199] Yeah.
[200] It's true If the crowd had shouted it all out I'd have just been out of here so fast Yeah Conan Anthony Mighty And then Yeah And I guess that's a big deal I've had Star Wars people You know Star Wars people But like a Like a stormtrooper Or you know Like people that come up That are into that stuff Say you're in the cannon Yeah And I go yeah Okay You know Yeah Good for you Right But And then I do this to them And they get really mad Oh yeah May the Yoda be with you.
[201] And they're like, no!
[202] It's not it, man!
[203] So I am also in the Star Wars canon through weird...
[204] I'm sorry, no offense, but...
[205] No, I understand.
[206] I get it.
[207] It is right and proper that I am part of, you know, any great canon.
[208] What's your story?
[209] You're right.
[210] I don't know that I belong in there, but I had two friends, Ben Ecker, Ben Blacker, who wrote a young adult.
[211] Star Wars novel called Join the Resistance and it's canon and they named a spaceport after my wife and me called Lund Gourley.
[212] But wait a minute.
[213] So is this Wow.
[214] Can I just say?
[215] I don't know how this is...
[216] I want it to be very clear when you're listening to the podcast.
[217] That was a very small portion of the audience.
[218] But the fact that anybody that anybody applauded that is really saying something.
[219] But wait a minute.
[220] But what is their right?
[221] Anyone can write a fantasy book on their computer.
[222] No, this is published.
[223] This is canon.
[224] Published how?
[225] What do you mean it's published?
[226] Published on the press.
[227] On the press?
[228] You have no facts on your side.
[229] This is the saddest thing.
[230] I met a guy, and he said, if I give him $40, he'd give me magic beans.
[231] And a part of the Star Wars canon.
[232] Don't make me go to Wikipedia.
[233] Oh, for God.
[234] Oh, no, no, no. This is also where you find out who you are on there.
[235] For God, my sakes.
[236] He's okay, but you all know Chappelle.
[237] Someone ran on stage with Chappelle?
[238] Yeah.
[239] And I, I. Before the show, the people here working at Netflix said, O 'Connor, if you want, we'll put barriers up to protect you.
[240] And I was like, you've got to be kidding.
[241] By the way, right now, if someone ran up and grabbed your phone, I would not stop them.
[242] I'd give it to them.
[243] I'd give it to them.
[244] Anyway, yeah, well, that's congratulations.
[245] I'm glad that someone.
[246] wrote something.
[247] My whole point for bringing this up was not obviously not to brag about that.
[248] No. It was to put it to Sona.
[249] Oh, that's right.
[250] You're not in Star Wars at all, are you?
[251] No. No, I'm not.
[252] Thank you for telling...
[253] Are you okay?
[254] Are you doing okay?
[255] Yeah, I'm in other stuff.
[256] What are you in?
[257] I'll tell you what I'm in.
[258] Hold on.
[259] My friend wrote a graphic novel called Soul Kiss, and I'm a character, and someone kisses me, I die, and I get flushed down a toilet.
[260] Wow.
[261] Well, I guess you win.
[262] You know, I'm not seeing that on Wikipedia.
[263] No, you've been it, right?
[264] Didn't you, have you been on a reality show or something, didn't you?
[265] Wait, what?
[266] Oh, I don't know.
[267] Someone else had got done.
[268] No, I wasn't.
[269] I was in the opening of a show when I was in second grade.
[270] I was saying the Pledge of Allegiance and someone took my picture.
[271] Oh, my God.
[272] Saying it now it sounds creepy, but I was in opening, like, credits.
[273] Wait, I understand.
[274] Why would you be, you were just saying the Pledge of Allegiance, where?
[275] I was at school.
[276] Oh, okay.
[277] And someone took.
[278] I thought you were just seeing it out on the street.
[279] Convincing people, I belong in America, you know?
[280] Yeah.
[281] What?
[282] Well, you know.
[283] I was born here.
[284] I was born here.
[285] I was born in this country.
[286] I was born.
[287] I did not float here in a basket.
[288] Well.
[289] Yeah.
[290] A lot of different.
[291] stories.
[292] No, there's one story.
[293] Floating around there.
[294] It was born in Monabella.
[295] I read a Rolling Stone magazine article and said you came here.
[296] You floated here in a basket.
[297] Yeah, you said that to Rolling Stone.
[298] I said that to a reporter and he wrote it down.
[299] Rolling Stone magazine that Sonom of Sessian floated here in a basket after her father, from the island of Armenia after her father saved her from a goat attack.
[300] Right.
[301] So that happened.
[302] And the guy printed it.
[303] He printed it in Rolling Stone forever.
[304] Yeah.
[305] And one day my kids are going to Google it and they're going to be like, did you really float here in a basket?
[306] Yeah.
[307] I'll be like, Uncle Conan.
[308] It's more legitimate than his fake story about, you know.
[309] That's not a fake story.
[310] That's canon and I will thank you to respect me. All right, let's move on.
[311] May the fourth be with you.
[312] We, we're here today to do this podcast, which we love so much.
[313] And of course, the biggest and best part of our podcast, in my opinion, is that we get these wonderful people to come.
[314] on and talk to us.
[315] Our guest today is someone I dearly, dearly love and admire and thrilled that this person is joining us right now.
[316] I know it's a surprise, but I think you're going to be happy.
[317] Let's bring these lights down, shall we?
[318] My name's Bill Hader.
[319] Wow, that made me really happy.
[320] That made me so happy.
[321] Oh, that was awesome.
[322] Thank you, guys.
[323] Yeah, that was so sweet.
[324] It's always, it's always dangerous because I could have said, here the assistant superintendent of the sewage system.
[325] The lead editor of Wikipedia.
[326] It's like, hello, hello, children, hello.
[327] No, we are thrilled that you're here.
[328] Thanks, I'm thrilled.
[329] You're one of my favorite people.
[330] You're one of my favorite people, Cohnen.
[331] Okay, we're going to edit up.
[332] out the part where I said you're one of my favorite people I'm never going to have you say you're one of my favorite people and then we're going to echo in.
[333] I love you Conan.
[334] I love you, Conan.
[335] You are my hero.
[336] You saved my life once, Conan.
[337] There's so many things I'm delighted about.
[338] You've always been one of the funniest people I know and you've been so generous to me over the years with your talent.
[339] And I love what you've done at this stage in your career with Barry, because this...
[340] Joey, thank you.
[341] No, really, I do.
[342] It's...
[343] Because you get to do everything.
[344] You get to be funny, but you're also a terrific actor.
[345] The tension, the way you can ratchet up tension, you're directing now.
[346] Oh, thank you.
[347] You're directing all the episodes.
[348] Yeah, well, Alec Berg directed three of them.
[349] I directed...
[350] five and then yeah I'm gonna hopefully direct more so yeah I love directing that's like yeah and you know what I forgot and then I remembered it is that this does make sense because you were an incredible movie buff when you were a kid you just you watched movies all the time was it just movies exclusively movies and TV yeah mostly movies the only TV show I think we watched was golden girls yeah golden girls is kind of the best show like And it's pretty cinematic I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to dive in on that a little bit When you say it was one of the best shows What do you mean?
[351] Why, you ever seen it?
[352] Yeah, it's fine It's fucking amazing Okay, but it There's never a bad episode Yep No, I would say You know what, it was on after school And I would watch it And I loved it And I loved all those women Yeah And Betty White came in hosted when I was on a Saturday Night Live, I was like, yes, you know, just completely in awe of her, and she was so sweet.
[353] I mean, I mean, she lived such a long life, but it's amazing.
[354] Like, hilarious, late in life, amazing, impeccable timing.
[355] We did a scared straight sketch with her where Keenan Thompson was yelling at us, and I am a soft touch.
[356] I don't know if you know that.
[357] I laugh very easily in sketches.
[358] I don't know if you guys know that.
[359] Yeah.
[360] And so Keenan in that sketch would always mess with me and then when we did it on air she started doing it with him and I started like I was trying to keep it together and I started laughing and the minute they said you know cut we're moving to the next set she came up to me and she went I'm so sorry sweetie and I was like here's all my money here's everything here's my children what else you want I'll give it all you.
[361] No one's ever treating me like that before.
[362] What blows my mind, I'm always forgetting that you grew up in Tulsa.
[363] You grew up in Tulsa.
[364] Whoa, hey, there's someone from Tulsa here?
[365] Yeah.
[366] Hey, right on.
[367] All right.
[368] Us.
[369] Hey, all right.
[370] Woo!
[371] You can't get back in.
[372] No. No. At the airport, they're like, you've been to Los Angeles?
[373] I don't think so.
[374] You got that.
[375] That L .A. on you.
[376] I can see it.
[377] Put them in quarantine.
[378] Showing some he -ha.
[379] So you're growing up, and you love, you're watching a lot of film.
[380] Yeah, a lot of old movies, a lot of movies.
[381] Yeah, I just didn't watch movies.
[382] Did you fit in with the other kids?
[383] Yeah, I mean, I was all right, but I was kind of like, you know, you know, just kind of like, you know, just kind of, you know, like a weird nerd.
[384] Like now, like what I'm doing now, that's how I talk to everybody in high school.
[385] I was like, hey, do you have, I, look, that, hey.
[386] Was there pressure on you to play sports or anything like that?
[387] Oh, yeah, yeah.
[388] I mean, in Oklahoma, that was a big deal.
[389] My dad, we played sport.
[390] I mean, my dad was very big of me playing basketball because I was very tall for my age.
[391] But it is the type of thing when you're like nine.
[392] They're like, you got to put some size on you.
[393] You know, you got to bilk you up.
[394] You know, and I'm like, this isn't for me. I'm going to go watch singing in the rain.
[395] I remember I had people telling me, you must play pretty serious basketball because I was tall.
[396] Yeah.
[397] And I was like, you know, there are other requirements.
[398] Yes.
[399] They're like, oh, then you must play a mean Frankenstein.
[400] Yeah, no. Well, that I could maybe do.
[401] But it was just so funny, people would be like, oh, look at this guy.
[402] I bet, you know, I bet you'd be an amazing, you're probably going to go to the NBA.
[403] Yeah, just based on side.
[404] Yeah, just based on your height and knowing nothing.
[405] thing else about you.
[406] I haven't even heard you speak or, I've even seen you move.
[407] But here's a contract for the NBA.
[408] Here's a billion dollars.
[409] And you just get started playing the best basketball ever.
[410] And then I'd start to move and they'd be like, Jesus fucking Christ.
[411] Ten minutes later, they're like, what have we done?
[412] What do we do?
[413] We gave him so much money.
[414] I'll play your basketball.
[415] He looks like a marionette and one of the strings broke.
[416] Yeah.
[417] Can't hold ball!
[418] The other thing you need to know is you need to care where the ball is on the court.
[419] Yeah, yeah.
[420] That was always a problem.
[421] I never understood that either.
[422] I was like, it could look nice in the stands.
[423] There's a beautiful woman where a Paschamina in the front.
[424] I think she should be holding the ball.
[425] Look at that.
[426] The orange and what she's wearing.
[427] And they were like, get them out of here.
[428] Did, you know what amazed me is And you have so many talents And then I find out that you came out to L .A. And my assumption would be And I think a lot of us just would assume That people would see a Bill Hater And right away think, oh my God, this guy's amazing.
[429] You were a PA for six years.
[430] Yeah, I was a production assistant.
[431] Hey, we got PAs in here?
[432] You guys not getting a lot of sleep?
[433] Yeah, man, I would drive out.
[434] First one there, last one to leave.
[435] Right.
[436] I worked on a movie called Collateral Damage with Arnold Schwarzenegger, which was, if you get the DVD of that.
[437] Listen carefully.
[438] And you go to the deleted scenes.
[439] There is a scene with Elias Coteus and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I, as a PA, the guy who was supposed to play the pilot didn't show up.
[440] and so they go who can fit in this costume and who's 6 -2 and they're like well haters 6 -2 so I'm playing the pilot and I turn around and I go three or four hours depending on the weather and so we can see that very good you know what I know you like this the first time I met Arnold Schwarzenegger I was like 5 in the morning as you know as a PA it's like base camp five in the morning sitting there and I see his trailer on there like Arnold's not here yet and I go oh okay and I'm waiting and then suddenly the door flies open and there's Arnold Schwarzenegger in a bathrobe with a big goblet of something and a cigar and it's just me so I'm just like and I see him he's like 50 yards away but I can see him go and then he starts walking towards me and he gets up to me and he goes where are deaf and peter and that's his hair and makeup guys I go I'll find them hold on and I'm looking for my walk and he goes find them show me a leadership capability that's fantastic I was like they're right there he was like babe find them show me a leadership capability I've never been more afraid in my When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, we were there for like a day and the next, like literally we got married and then we went down to Mexico and we're...
[441] I saw it on live on TV.
[442] What's that?
[443] We all saw it.
[444] The world's time.
[445] And then the next morning, it was the biggest global wedding ever that I had.
[446] Some new princesses died up in it.
[447] Oh, no, no, that's, yeah, that was Prince and Charles.
[448] But anyway, we show up.
[449] And we just come down for breakfast.
[450] It's like our first day of our honeymoon.
[451] And Schwarzenegger comes and he sits down.
[452] And yours, I don't do a good Schwarzenegger, but he sits down next to us and he goes, like, he knew, I guess it had been on the news that I got married or something.
[453] He went, oh, you know, I said, why did you got married?
[454] It's good.
[455] It's good for you that you got married.
[456] It's good.
[457] It's just good.
[458] And just then they brought out.
[459] He said, no, that's good, you know.
[460] And then he brought out, I'll never forget this.
[461] A waiter brought out a phone, which I've only seen in movies.
[462] It was like, it was two, And like, so a waiter brought out a phone and put it on his table and said, call for you.
[463] And he picked up the phone and went, hello.
[464] An omen that this is a good marriage.
[465] Hello.
[466] It's honors.
[467] So I don't know.
[468] I was, you know, you were really nice to come on when I was winding up late night.
[469] Yeah.
[470] the late night show last year and you're doing this amazing segment and then you did this perfect setup to Paul Rudd coming out and it was so well done you guys really played it very well that you had this disagreement which of course led into mac and me yeah the mac and me thing the mac and me clip and everybody was super happy and i thought what a great way for it to end i don't know if you're away that a couple of months ago, I'm talking to Paul Rudd, and he comes on the podcast, and we're just chatting, and I swear to God, no one told me anything.
[471] He's talking, and he's talking about this project he's doing.
[472] Remember this?
[473] This audio, it was a scripted audio program or something?
[474] It was a narrative podcast.
[475] A narrative podcast.
[476] And I'm listening going like, oh, this is, you know, like Paul was being, he's always great, but he was going on a little bit about this thing, and I was like, oh, okay, well, all right.
[477] And he was going on about it, and he went, no, no, we have a clip of it.
[478] And I'm like, okay.
[479] And suddenly, a monitor, which I hadn't seen.
[480] I hadn't noticed this monitor.
[481] He went, yeah, it's right here.
[482] And I'm like, oh, I guess it's a monitor.
[483] And it's the goddamn mac and me, clip.
[484] And I was like, it's a, first of all, A, we put it to bed forever in this beautiful way with Bill Hader.
[485] It's never going to get better than that.
[486] B, it's a podcast.
[487] You can't do that on a podcast.
[488] And I was completely fooled.
[489] And people on the street have been like, we were in on it.
[490] I'm like, I had no idea.
[491] That is so funny.
[492] Yeah.
[493] It enraged me. Oh, my God, that is funny.
[494] I just like, yeah, Paul and Will Forte are those kind of people who just are like, they have a bit and they just take it forever.
[495] And that thing we did to Ed Burns Grill Boys, which was the thing, which is a bit that he and I and Joe La Truglio did at a party once, and it cleared out the party.
[496] People were like, please stop doing that.
[497] And we just kept going like, it's so dumb.
[498] It was like Ed Burns.
[499] You guys, Ed Burns?
[500] It was like Ed Burns movies like, it's always like New York, Irish.
[501] Irish guys, and it was like, Hey, my mother was a firefighter, but now she's thinking about being a cop.
[502] And then we're grilling.
[503] And then every once in a while we go, hey, hey, hey, hey, to pop, to pop, to pop, to pop.
[504] And we did this.
[505] I'm not exaggerating for about four.
[506] five hours.
[507] And I do you remember Gene Garoflo yelling, shut the fuck, stop it.
[508] And we would never, we just kept doing it.
[509] And, and, yeah, that, so it makes sense to me that he would be like, well, no, I'm totally going to do that me. No, no, I'm quite convinced that later, very late in my life when I'm, you know, and I'm going to be in the hospital, and they're going to come in, they're going to say like, yeah, you know, it's not good, and they're going to tell me, it's not good and they're gonna say there's, you know, there's one thing we could do, we could try this one thing in this area of your heart, we could go in and I'd be like, well, what is it?
[510] And they're like, well, we can show you right now and they'll reel in the monitor, and it'll be the mac and me clip.
[511] And I'll look over and it'll be rudd and he'll like take off his mustache and go, there's no cure, you're gonna die.
[512] Yeah, there's no cure.
[513] He's just, yeah, that's my favorite kind of stuff.
[514] I admire that so much.
[515] You know, you got name -checked.
[516] We taped a podcast just a couple days ago with the great and immortal Jeff Goldblum.
[517] And Jeff Goldblum was talking and being so great and so Jeff Goldblum -y.
[518] And at one point he talked about when he first came to L .A. and he said the celebrities you could see and where you would see them in L .A. and he's, you know, he's, you know, he's, uh, he's, uh, different, I think another click ahead of us in generation, or me anyway.
[519] So he was there 10 years before I was and he was seeing these great old stars and he said, I saw Vincent Price at the Ralphs.
[520] The great, you know, scary film star Vincent Price and in the moment I went, oh my God, and Gobloom realized at the same time, the guy does the best Vincent Price in the world is Bill Hader and on the podcast, it's not going to air until after this one, but I said like, damn it, I wish Bill Hader was here right now and could do could do Vincent Price at a Ralph, like looking at Nellons.
[521] I just, I don't know, it just made me really happy.
[522] You don't have to, I'm not paying you.
[523] Well, now if I don't do it, I'm an asshole.
[524] Yes.
[525] Yes, you are.
[526] Yeah, maybe, yeah, he's like, comes up to someone there and he's like, I'm trying to make a lemon meringue pie.
[527] And I have most of the ingredients.
[528] But I was wondering, if you, why won't you look at me when I speak to you?
[529] Do you imagine if he did an Instacart and they showed up and it's like a fucking haunted mansion?
[530] Yeah.
[531] And he's like, I know the house is a little bit on the nose.
[532] Let's see, Miracle Whip, we have this.
[533] Where the hell are the marshmallows?
[534] I got to be, I got a good credit.
[535] My, that Vincent Price that I did, guy Charlie Grandi and Matt Murray were like oh you should do Vincent Price I was just new on the SNL and I didn't have one and I kind of who did a really great Vincent Price was Dana Gould and Dana Gould does a great Vincent Price so I have to give credit and I met him and I go I feel like I'm fully ripping off your Vincent Price and he was like you are you owe me money No. He's one of the sweetest guys ever.
[536] He's a really nice guy.
[537] And one of the funniest humans on the planet.
[538] One of the funniest humans on the planet.
[539] I'm glad that we got that, you know.
[540] No, it's good to address that because it's really good to pay.
[541] Like, I realize there's so much stuff that I picked up from different performers who weren't even alive anymore when I was a kid.
[542] And I'm always saying, well, I'm just doing Johnny Carson's version of Jack Benny, which is Jack Benny's version of someone in vaudeville I'll never meet.
[543] I mean, half of the stuff I did at S &L, I could be like, okay, that's Phil.
[544] Hartman.
[545] That's Eugene Levy.
[546] That's Phil Hartman again.
[547] You know what I mean?
[548] It's just like, yeah, it's all that stuff.
[549] I wanted to talk about something which is, I think it would be, it's something a lot of people don't probably discuss enough, is that this duality between you're a performer, this performer that chooses to be on Saturday Night Live, pursues it and is really good at it, yet you're an incredibly anxious person.
[550] And one of the things that I find really fascinating is that that is true of a lot of us.
[551] I don't know what it is.
[552] The people I knew in high school who were completely confident all the time and thought they were hilarious.
[553] Monsters.
[554] Monsters.
[555] I went to school with Putin.
[556] He just thought he was the funniest guy.
[557] Hello, Coleman.
[558] Hello, Cohnen.
[559] He was the one always setting the clock ahead, 10 minutes.
[560] Looks like we're going to get out of...
[561] I can't do.
[562] It's be a droshti.
[563] Wait, you go, coming.
[564] This is going to be hilarious.
[565] Teacher doesn't know they're going to sit down.
[566] It sounds like they fart.
[567] Because who be cushioned is on chair on them.
[568] But you know what I mean?
[569] I am the funniest man. I am the class clown.
[570] But it is a weird thing where the people that are convinced, you know, and I was very somewhat shy and anxious, and then pursued this line of work where it's go out there in front of people and I know that was that was you had like coping mechanisms when you were at SNL if you were going to be in a sketch and SNL is the very pinnacle of it is live it's now never and you'd of course do scenes where you were carrying the whole thing it's you right to camera you would intentionally mess up sometimes just a little bit yeah it was the thing of I went to a therapist and the therapist was like what is the thing that is the thing and you're like I'm trying to get the I need, it's like if I mess this up at all, the whole, the whole studio is going to fall down on me. You know what I mean?
[571] It was just this fear of like, I have to land this thing perfectly.
[572] So she was like, well, what if you try just changing a couple words around, and then that will kind of take you out of your head.
[573] And so I did that.
[574] So if I came out, I was like, hello, hello, the script was hello, ladies and gentlemen.
[575] You know, I come out and go, hi, guys and girls, welcome back, or, you know, whatever.
[576] and then that would kind of, you know, make me go, oh, I screwed up.
[577] I didn't say it was on the cards.
[578] And I'm still here.
[579] Everything's fine, you know.
[580] And I did that a lot.
[581] I mean, that's, but it was really helpful.
[582] And, and, I mean, that's why the one character, you know, the character, the, the, the, Stefan was the character where I had to, where, that was the one where, that covering the face thing, That's what I wanted to do in every sketch was just go like this, because I would be, you know.
[583] I remember I had to play Julian Assange, and I showed up, and, and, and, uh, and, uh, Seth Myers was like, hey man, uh, we just wrote a, hey, buddy, we just run us, we just, that's, hey, buddy, uh, we just run a Julian Assange for you, got to do it tonight.
[584] And I was like, boo.
[585] And, uh, Jeff Bridges was the host.
[586] And I was shaking.
[587] And I did it, and I was so nervous, and I had a wine glass, and I put my face in the wine glass.
[588] I had a full panic attack.
[589] And afterwards, I was just feeling terrible, and Jeff Bridges, afterwards I talked to him.
[590] I was like, I had a panic attack out there.
[591] And he was like, I used to work with Robert Ryan, the great actor Rob Ryan.
[592] And he said, before every take, he would start sweating.
[593] And I said, really, after all these years, you still get nervous.
[594] And he said, oh, I'd be really afraid if I wasn't afraid.
[595] and I went oh he goes So you got to use that And he goes that's your buddy man He's like A little anxiety You know you bring it out there man You say let's go man Let's like fuck it man Terrible therapist Yeah can you imagine Jeff Brits You imagine he was a therapist I don't know I was so anxious And then I snapped at my kids She's like yell at him man You should just go and Yeah, cheat on your wife, man. If that's what you feel like, brother.
[596] It's funny to say that because there's so much great comedy, I think especially sketch comedy, like Molly Shannon, I was talking to her recently, and she talked about Mary Catherine Gallagher and how so much of the physicality what comes from anxiety, just complete anxiety, and the character is so anxious, but, you know, the stuff under the arms, the stowing the fingers, is the explosiveness that it all came from.
[597] You can tell.
[598] I'm so scared that I want to blow out this way.
[599] Yeah, you can tell the hardest thing in SNL is to have to play somebody who was very calm.
[600] Like, I had to do a lot of game show hosts, and they have to be very confident, and very calm, and it just sucked.
[601] Because beforehand, I'm, like, having a full, you know, mental...
[602] I would go into, there was a...
[603] right by the big makeup room at SNL, there was this bathroom, and I would go in there after the meeting right before air and literally just just freak out i would just have like a little and it was this thing of like let's get it out but i learned it was kind of that jeff bridges thing and some other stuff i've been reading about it is that when you push at it it gets bigger it's like a monster nine on your face and when you go get away the thing gets bigger but if you just kind of like oh there it is uh okay i have anxiety and just saying like oh i'm anxious I'm anxious right now.
[604] It kind of chills out, you know?
[605] I just did it backstage.
[606] When you guys started, I went, huh.
[607] And I start pacing up and down the stairs and I'm looking down like this.
[608] And then I'm like, oh, I'm anxious.
[609] I'm anxious.
[610] Why are they going on about Star Wars so much?
[611] I'm not in the canton.
[612] Who's in the canon?
[613] What are they talking about?
[614] You'll be in the canon.
[615] For your Tonton alone, you'll be in the game.
[616] Oh, yeah.
[617] The Tantonon impression.
[618] I actually am BB8.
[619] I do the voice of BB8.
[620] That is you?
[621] Yeah, and Ben Schwartz, but I don't know what he does, but I, yeah.
[622] So you are in the canon?
[623] Yes, you are, yes.
[624] Whatever.
[625] Look, they all just put masks on.
[626] Like when people didn't have masks on for most.
[627] the show and then late in the show.
[628] They put one on.
[629] Oh, boy, they're talking about this kind of anxiety stuff.
[630] And now I'm getting anxious.
[631] No, but I would think one of the things I've always found is when I'm anxious, I get anxious beforehand and I, people make fun of me, but I do, like, stretch backstage and I get down low.
[632] And, you know, you'd never think that I would need to do any of that.
[633] I'm not doing an, you know, an athletic event, but I need to do all these things to work out whatever the anxiety is, but then I find that getting in front of people and performing helps.
[634] Now that you're directing, I know you're writing, I know you're acting, but you're directing, I don't know if I would be, what I would do with anxiety then.
[635] What do you do when you're a director?
[636] Are you able to be calm?
[637] Yeah, that's weird.
[638] What's the outlet?
[639] Yeah, it's weird.
[640] It's like, you kind of, yeah, it's strange that that doesn't stress me out as much as like this, you know, Being like on a big, and I'm fine now, but like it's the anticipation of it, you know?
[641] It's the anticipation of coming out.
[642] You're like, I wake up this morning, I go, oh, I'm going to go on Conan.
[643] We're going to be at the will turn.
[644] Oh, boy, you know.
[645] And I start, my heart gets a little, you know.
[646] But when you're directing, you're just kind of, you know, you're problem solving, and you have a very clear idea of what you want, and that can kind of take over.
[647] And then when you're working with great people, like Henry Winkler and stuff like that, you just, it's not that, it's really not that hard.
[648] Henry Winkler said that Henry Winkler said that because you are so heavily involved in the writing too, that he can see you sometimes...
[649] Mouthing along.
[650] You're mouthing along the words as he's trying to act.
[651] Yes, it drives him nuts.
[652] It drives everybody nuts.
[653] All the actors on the show are like, please stop, because I'll be like...
[654] But what do you mean?
[655] And it drives people crazy.
[656] Do you ever do it when you're in the scene with them or just when you're off -camera as the director?
[657] No, no. There have been times where it's like a two -shot of us, and then the D .P .'s like, I can see your mouth moving along with Henry's.
[658] And I'm like, fuck.
[659] Sorry, sorry, everyone.
[660] Sorry, sorry.
[661] When late night, when we first started, like, a million years ago in 1993, and we did this bit called Clutch Cargo with the fake mouth.
[662] Oh, yeah, yeah, that was amazing.
[663] And Clinton would come down and go, nih -ha.
[664] And he'd be talking to me. I was so new it at all that I knew both sides of the script.
[665] And I'm on camera, and he's going to, me tell you something, Connor?
[666] And I'm going, and it was nothing we could do, like it was airing, you know?
[667] People were saying, you're saying the words along with him, and I went, I'm just doing the best I can.
[668] Fred Armisen, to mess with me sometimes in S &L, it's one of the funniest guys in the planet, he would mess with me sometimes where he, under his breath, I don't know if he ever did it on air, but I feel like he did it address once, under his breath, because you have cute cards up, he would be reading along with your lines.
[669] So under his breath, he'd be like, Hi, welcome to the show.
[670] And I'm saying it out loud.
[671] Welcome to the show when I can hear him very slowly.
[672] No, wait.
[673] Was he doing it to screw with you?
[674] Yeah.
[675] Oh, so it wasn't a tick or anything?
[676] No, no, no. He was doing it totally to fuck with me. He would also do a thing that if the camera wasn't on me, if the camera was on me and it was off him, he would just go.
[677] And then they'll be like back and then like, guys, what I'm going?
[678] Because I would laugh very easily.
[679] When I first, Fred Armisen came to work on SNL when I was working at late night, and I would just mess with people in the hallway.
[680] I, you know, just, and I knew him a little bit, but whenever I saw him anywhere, you know, you'd see everybody in SNL in the hall, because our show was just three floors down from you guys.
[681] I'd see him, he'd be walking down the hall, and he's such a nice, kind of like, oh, hi, how are you going to, hey, how are you going to do it?
[682] Hey, man, what I would always say to him, you're just acting like a clown out there.
[683] You're acting like a clown!
[684] And he knew it was a bit but he'd be like Sir, please go the other way I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm saying you gotta give us the real you just a clown Armisen but I never I realized for about six years I never had a real human interaction with him because I'm we have impressions of each other and mine of him was always like yeah dude yeah man I just flower to Portland fly right back yeah dude that band and he always knows people from obscure bands he's like that guy was Squirrelnut Zippers.
[685] That dude.
[686] Squarednut zippers right there.
[687] That's the dude.
[688] That's him.
[689] Yeah.
[690] And his impression to me is I've just heard of a massive band for the first time where I would be like, hey, I just listen to Bruce Springsteen.
[691] And I talk like, hey guys.
[692] And he kind of goes like this.
[693] Hey guys.
[694] I just listen to the Beatles for the first.
[695] He's funny because he's such a funny performer and such a funny person.
[696] But when you're with him, him in real life, and you're with a bunch of comedians, everyone else, if it's you and me and Malaney and a whole bunch of other people, when we're sitting around and we're all joking around, he'll be absolutely quiet.
[697] Yeah.
[698] And eating, and I've been with him a whole meal where he won't say a thing, and he's always got these incredibly giant, fashionable glasses.
[699] They look like they're from like a European car's windshield.
[700] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[701] Like you're waiting for them to have windshield wipers on the movie.
[702] Yeah, exactly.
[703] And he's just, and appreciating and nodding.
[704] And then at the end of the night, he'd be like, well, that was a lot of fun.
[705] Thank you very much.
[706] And then people will be like, he's the funniest guy in the world, and he is.
[707] But he just churns it completely off sometimes.
[708] He knows how to do it.
[709] Yeah, I've kind of learned that from him because when I first got to S &L, I mean, you're so anxious and you so want to please and don't want to get fired.
[710] So you're just on all the time.
[711] And I would just watch, like, Fred, and he was so kind of calm and chill and just like, oh, what are you reading?
[712] You know, and I was like, oh, what am I reading?
[713] A book could be, you know, a hat.
[714] You know, and he's like, you don't need to do that.
[715] I'll do that.
[716] Just tell me what you're reading.
[717] I was like, no, no, trust me. You're preaching to the choir.
[718] And my house, just my wife and my kids, are just trying to live their lives.
[719] And Mara's like, huh, where he's up in a huge to you?
[720] Huh?
[721] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[722] You know, like, just go outside.
[723] Find a squirrel and do that to a squirrel.
[724] There's a squirrel looking at.
[725] And I was like, can you go back and sign?
[726] Everything's a bit.
[727] Well, time to take my heart medicine.
[728] You just wake up and put like Dick Van Dyke's one -man band outfit from Mary Poppins on.
[729] You're like, boom, ch -punch.
[730] Look at me, look at me. That's how I feel.
[731] When I was starting out as a comedy writer and I was working up at Sunset Gower.
[732] Woo!
[733] Yeah.
[734] Ow!
[735] Yeah.
[736] Sunset Junction.
[737] Anyway, Gavagalge, fucker!
[738] I was known as the writer that was always on, like, as you can imagine, and then one day I'm just driving my crappy car home.
[739] I had a 1973 Plymouth Valiant.
[740] I bought it an old, like a junkyard.
[741] People will, yeah, anything, just to hear themselves on a podcast.
[742] Yeah, it's like, honey, honey, just wait.
[743] Right, 50 minutes in.
[744] Yeah, that's me. Then ran into another car.
[745] It's coming, it's coming.
[746] Look at the road.
[747] Quiet!
[748] Oh my God.
[749] Sorry, hey.
[750] There was no airbag.
[751] Easy, easy, easy.
[752] That guy died immediately.
[753] That's not funny at all.
[754] Oh, my God.
[755] That is not funny.
[756] He's fine.
[757] But this writer was driving home who worked with me, and I didn't see him.
[758] He said, I didn't see him, and I was just driving along, said, for the first time ever, I was completely neutral.
[759] Like, a machine that had been turned off, and I was waiting at a light.
[760] So what he saw was just something no one's ever seen, which is a Conan O 'Brien that doesn't have anybody around him to stimulate that sad part of him that he never got from his father.
[761] Did he put a mirror under your nose?
[762] And so I'm there, and he pulled up to me, and he was looking at me, and he said, I was fascinated because it was just, I've never seen you like that.
[763] You're always like, I don't do, do, you know, and I'm just there like that.
[764] And he said, he rolled down his window and, like, gesture to me, and then I went like this.
[765] I whipped my head around because of the corner of my eye, like Spider -Man, I saw someone who knows me, whang!
[766] And totally high -optane, and he said it freaked him out because he realized there was nobody inside.
[767] That's sick.
[768] That's sick.
[769] It only reacts to comedy.
[770] I know.
[771] I wouldn't meet her children for a while because they weren't old enough to laugh.
[772] They weren't old enough to laugh.
[773] That is true.
[774] No, they wouldn't give him what he needed, so he waited.
[775] Just a baby in a car seat being like, mm -hmm.
[776] Yeah, exactly.
[777] That's no fun.
[778] Can they smile yet?
[779] Can they respond yet?
[780] I'll come when they respond.
[781] That's what you were saying.
[782] I just, I knew that I'd be working it.
[783] And if they were in that, you know, the first, whatever, five months when they're like, Gleep, glorp, you know?
[784] Yeah, newborn infancy.
[785] That really boring, gleeve -glorid face.
[786] Yeah.
[787] Gleaf -la -la -low.
[788] I don't want, that's just a nerve ending.
[789] It's like, that's not the reaction I wanted.
[790] It's a perfect Vincent Price impression.
[791] And then you have two kids, Mikey and Charlie.
[792] Yeah.
[793] And Mikey, I nailed right away.
[794] Yeah.
[795] And I was like, ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha.
[796] And then Charlie couldn't get him.
[797] No. Couldn't get him.
[798] And I went home, and I'm like, damn.
[799] The fucking Charlie!
[800] You're just calling him at three in the morning.
[801] Put Charlie on the phone.
[802] Put him on the phone.
[803] Charlie, it's Conan.
[804] Next time you see Mommy's friend, you're going to laugh.
[805] Are your kids funny?
[806] Yeah, they're fine.
[807] They're 10 months old.
[808] They make me laugh at a lot.
[809] They're babies, which makes it even sadder that he needs that from them.
[810] I feel like, were you going to say sicker?
[811] Sicker.
[812] It's sicker and it's sadder.
[813] Yeah, it's both.
[814] I have three daughters.
[815] I did the same thing when they were kids.
[816] It was just like going like, ah, wait, why aren't you laughing?
[817] But now they're funny.
[818] Just yesterday, my middle daughter, she, like, just rolled the window down.
[819] She saw the two nice old women, like, in their front yard speaking, and she drove by and was like, how's your day going?
[820] And I went, why did you do that?
[821] And she goes, they're looking the wrong way.
[822] So she knows.
[823] They know.
[824] Yeah, their mother and I talk all the time we're like, oh man, they're funny.
[825] Oh, shit.
[826] They're actually really funny.
[827] Yeah.
[828] One of the youngest one dressed up is Rose from Titanic for Halloween.
[829] And she was showing the class and the teacher told me she was like, this is what she's wearing before she dies.
[830] What?
[831] Oh, no. She's like, this is what she's wearing when Jack dies.
[832] and she would only refer to the costume as what she was wearing when Jack died.
[833] When you said when she died, I thought it was old rose.
[834] Were they concerned?
[835] Was there any concern from the teachers?
[836] No, it's like a hippie school.
[837] They don't give it too.
[838] They were like, she's showing, she's doing very, no, they thought it was very sweet.
[839] They thought it was very funny.
[840] It's not a hippie school.
[841] Yeah.
[842] It's not a hippie school.
[843] Whoever's listening to this, it's not a hippie school.
[844] It's a great school.
[845] I remember years ago, we took my son.
[846] We took my son to some super progressive school or whatever, and we walked in, and he was really young, and we walked in, and one of the rooms, I had a clock on the wall, and the numbers were all jumbled around.
[847] And my son was looking at it, and he said, you know, what's that all about?
[848] And the teacher went, time, man. Oh, no. Oh, no. My son was like six, and it doesn't really matter.
[849] And my son went, uh -huh, and he'd turn around.
[850] He went, clock should tell time.
[851] The clock should tell time.
[852] Let's get out of here.
[853] I want to learn shit.
[854] Let's get out.
[855] Let's get out.
[856] His feet don't even touch the ground.
[857] He's like, get me out of here.
[858] He's like, this is a big look.
[859] He says, no. The interview is over.
[860] This is the same son that said to my wife and I, once just years and years ago, I'd like to try and make some money.
[861] We're like, that is terrific.
[862] That's terrific that you'd like to make some money.
[863] So, you know, what we could do is in the morning they throw the paper and, you know, whatever in front, and you could bring it into the house and that's going to be 50 cents.
[864] And if you do that, that'll be 50 cents.
[865] And if you, this would be 50 cents.
[866] And he said, come on!
[867] I'm talking real money here.
[868] I don't have time to fuck around.
[869] Yeah, he brings his enforcer over, like, hey, hey, where's the money you owe this kid?
[870] He brought the paper in, he cleaned up half of the door, I saw that.
[871] No, I gave him a $1 .50.
[872] Nah, no, no, no, no, no. You ain't giving him $1 .50.
[873] It was a little bit murder than that, all right?
[874] Who are you, gentlemen?
[875] Who is this amazing man?
[876] Kid Enforcer this week on NBC.
[877] Baby Enforcer.
[878] Baby enforcer.
[879] The baby wants his diaper change.
[880] It's a giant hit for some reason.
[881] 90 million households We don't get it The baby wants his way back The baby wants his way way back I don't know what I'm saying anymore I saw Wilco play here once Oh I did too Yeah Wilco played here once It was awesome All right well now we're just We gotta just we're just We're just We're just in the clock out Now you're just going to start naming random bands Yeah Destroyer played here once Anybody have a question As Kevin Neil would say Where's our waiter?
[882] Where's our waiter?
[883] Water?
[884] Water?
[885] I cannot thank you enough for being here and I want to make sure that I thoroughly compliment you.
[886] I know that I'm an absolute fanatic for Barry and you know that.
[887] I love it.
[888] I have friends that have a lot of projects and when a friend of mine who I really admire and love makes something that I think is superlative, it gives me a lot of joy and you've done that with this and you managed to keep you manage with this show to keep dialing up the tension and the improbability that anything's going to go okay.
[889] You know what I mean?
[890] It's just absolutely incredible.
[891] Oh, thank you, man. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah, this season gets pretty dark.
[892] That's actually fine by me. Yeah, it gets pretty dark, but it's, yeah, it's the most fun.
[893] And especially, like, you know, growing up, like, you know, wanting to do this in Tulsa and hanging out, making, like, short films with my sisters and stuff.
[894] it's pretty amazing to get to finally direct and do everything.
[895] And we have like this amazing group of people and an amazing cast, so I don't know.
[896] I'm just insanely lucky right now.
[897] Well, it's a beautiful show.
[898] Sir, God bless you.
[899] Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for everybody.
[900] Thank you.
[901] I just want to make sure that I get this out because this is important.
[902] If you're not watching Barry, you're insane because it's absolutely one of my favorite shows.
[903] And it keeps, it notches up each season.
[904] And it's a great, piece of work.
[905] So you should check out Barry, which airs Sundays at 10 on HBO and HBO Max.
[906] Make sure you check that out.
[907] What about Bill Hader?
[908] Does it get any better than that?
[909] Funniest guy.
[910] No, he's just, he's such a talented guy, but the ability, he has this ability to be so hilarious and then as a creative force, you know, he's so multi -talented.
[911] I think that's amazing.
[912] And then to come out here and then, and then be vulnerable.
[913] and tell us, to me, it's like a theme of this podcast sometimes is I want people to know that the people that you're watching who you think probably don't have the same anxieties you do.
[914] Everybody has those.
[915] Every single person has those.
[916] And you need to know that.
[917] That's important.
[918] Except me, of course.
[919] Yeah, yeah.
[920] You're a very even keel.
[921] There's nothing inside.
[922] Ooh.
[923] Listen, I know we've had a lot of fun here tonight, but we have to get down to some business here and pay some bills.
[924] Got to pay those bills.
[925] It's important.
[926] Okay, this is important.
[927] We're excited to have Chevy as our sponsor.
[928] She's tonight's show.
[929] Oh, wow.
[930] With Chevy's new line of electric vehicles, including the Bolt EV, the first ever, Silverado EV, and coming soon the Equinox EV.
[931] Guess what?
[932] My favorite car name ever, truck name ever.
[933] Silverado.
[934] It's good.
[935] They must have, when they realized no one else had taken that name, they must have high -fived each other until they all die.
[936] So these are the electric one.
[937] That's right.
[938] It's their whole line of new electric vehicles and they are at the forefront of innovation.
[939] Well, let me, first of all, I think, yes, they are innovating.
[940] I think we could innovate as well.
[941] How so?
[942] I think we need to be drastically innovating constantly on the podcast to make sure that we change and grow and stay ahead of our audience.
[943] What do you suggest?
[944] I think you should surprise me with a wild animal in the middle of every episode.
[945] Like not a large bear, but a young bear that's not quite as strong as me but could still hurt me. And you just launch it at me halfway through the podcast and I have to fight it.
[946] I have to fight an animal or a mountain lion or a bobcat and people would hear that and they would wonder every week, yeah, I like Jeff Goldblum.
[947] I'll listen to Jeff Goldblum or, yeah, you know, Malaney, I'll listen to Malaney or, you know, Tignitaro.
[948] I want to hear this Tignitaro.
[949] Wait a minute, I want to wait and see what animal they throw on Conan that he has to fight off.
[950] There's a real chance that you could die.
[951] I was going to say you would die the first time we did it.
[952] You can't fight animals.
[953] No, what are you saying?
[954] Yes, he can't.
[955] Oh, sorry, yeah, that's a good idea.
[956] No, come on.
[957] No, I'm serious.
[958] I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'm actually getting some information that there's more info to be had on Chevy, and it comes from one of our producers here that we're not really getting to the nitty -gritty like we should have, so let's bring that person out.
[959] All right, he's a pretty serious.
[960] Yeah, yeah.
[961] Well, if it isn't Jordan Schlamp, Jordan, you have something you want to say about the podcast?
[962] Yeah, listen, this is an advertising segment, and rather than promoting your own self -interest, your simple assignment was to mention that after 100 years of innovation, Chevrolet has taken some of their most popular vehicle models and made electric versions.
[963] And it's all based on their ultium battery or in the original Latin pronunciation, ultium.
[964] And in fact...
[965] That's just not true.
[966] In fact, the ancient Romans who spoke Latin and favored innovation themselves would likely have appreciated the extended range of these vehicles because like Chevrolet and 80 countries, the ancient Roman Empire covered a lot of area, centered, of course, around Rome and the Coliseum, or as it was known back then, the amphitheatrum.
[967] And you...
[968] Why does it always go to Italy?
[969] It always goes to Italy.
[970] Why?
[971] We can't be talking about anything, and we're in Italy within eight minutes.
[972] You in particular should be thankful for the idea of innovation, because if we were still living in the Roman Empire, your desperate needs for attention would likely have found you fed to the wild animals in the Anteato.
[973] Oh, that's what you're after.
[974] That's my dream.
[975] Now, while I myself, as a deep thinker and philosopher, would likely have flourished and spent my days eating large quantities of Cacho -Ape pasta, one of the four famous Roman pastas along with Carbonata, Amatricana, and Grisha.
[976] Now, the key to properly preparing those pastas is the use of the starchy pasta water as the Italians call amido.
[977] And in fact, all of those Roman dishes use pecorino -romano cheese, which is made from sheep's milk, and those sheep are fed grass leading to a higher nutritional content, specifically in the area of conjugated linoleic acid, omega -3 fatty acids, and beta carotines.
[978] No, no, no. You're about to be tackled by my security.
[979] Jordan, I miss you.
[980] I guess I love you if you're a real person.
[981] Jordan Slansky, thank you very much, everybody.
[982] My God, I don't know what to say about you, about that man. I don't, I'm not lying, I don't know what to say.
[983] Yeah, I don't either.
[984] I just want pasta.
[985] Yeah.
[986] Yeah.
[987] wherever I go in the world I don't care where I am and I've been in many corners of this world people stop me and say hey man what's with that Jordan Schlansky they want to know what his deal is and that's him do you think that they stop him and go what's with that Conan O 'Brien?
[988] No, no they don't okay well we like to keep things a little close to the recorded version of the podcast and often with that podcast we check in with the people, the listeners by listening to some voicemails Right.
[989] We always listen to voicemails and then I answer their question.
[990] So we're going to press play on some voicemails right now and hear from actual listeners.
[991] Okay.
[992] Okay.
[993] Let's begin right now.
[994] And I'm going to try and imagine what the person who left this voicemail looks like.
[995] Okay.
[996] This will be amazing.
[997] picturing someone.
[998] Yes.
[999] Hi.
[1000] How are you?
[1001] Hi.
[1002] I'm Christine Leon from Tustin.
[1003] From where?
[1004] Tustin.
[1005] Tustin.
[1006] Orange County.
[1007] Oh, Orange County.
[1008] Yeah.
[1009] Got it.
[1010] Is that your question?
[1011] You're not on trial in communist China.
[1012] Everything's fine.
[1013] This is who I am.
[1014] This is what I've been charged with.
[1015] I wish to apologize for my behavior.
[1016] It's all cool.
[1017] Your name again?
[1018] Christine.
[1019] Yeah, Christine.
[1020] That's cool.
[1021] And what's up, Christine?
[1022] You don't have to read off a paper.
[1023] Well, I kind of have to because I'm a little nervous.
[1024] Okay, don't be nervous.
[1025] We're all friends here.
[1026] Okay.
[1027] So this is something that I've thought about when I listen to the podcast.
[1028] I like the way you guys interact with each other.
[1029] If you could create a mash -up of the ideal person named Skonomat, name some of the physical and personal traits you would pull from each of your beings.
[1030] Parenthetically, as you make your selection, please keep in mind that Sona reigns supreme in her current existence.
[1031] Therefore, you may want to borrow more readily from that, her bean.
[1032] Okay.
[1033] I love you, Christine.
[1034] Yeah.
[1035] That was a great college entrance essay.
[1036] The people at Brown are going to be very pleased.
[1037] Parenthetically, well, I agree with you.
[1038] I mean, I think it's a really good question.
[1039] I think it's a great question.
[1040] I don't know.
[1041] I want to be kind here.
[1042] Oh, no. You know what I wish?
[1043] Sona has the quality that I wish I had, which is I'm very uptight and I care too.
[1044] I care a lot about everyone else.
[1045] Are they okay?
[1046] Are other people all right?
[1047] Sona has this great ability to kind of tune out if other people are upset.
[1048] I thought you were going to be kind.
[1049] That's it.
[1050] It is.
[1051] That's really kind.
[1052] You're chill.
[1053] I don't give a shit about anybody else.
[1054] No, no. You have that.
[1055] You don't.
[1056] You're relaxed.
[1057] You like yourself.
[1058] You're in tune with the universe.
[1059] You're chill.
[1060] You don't care about others like a Bundy or some other killer.
[1061] No, I just didn't.
[1062] I think, I really do.
[1063] I think you have a great spirit.
[1064] I would like your spirit of calm.
[1065] I'd like to be able to, you know, be calm enough to, you know, take a few edibles before I went to bed at night.
[1066] Instead of the communion wafers, I gnaw.
[1067] You're, uh, you're quite handy.
[1068] He's a handy gentleman.
[1069] He's, uh, not handsy.
[1070] That's different.
[1071] You can't be handsy anymore, but he's very handy.
[1072] I've seen he builds amazing things around his home, cabinets, right?
[1073] Light fixtures.
[1074] Um, I think you're very, uh, uh, You're a good guy who knows how to build things.
[1075] Where's this going?
[1076] We're so nervous when you say nice things about us.
[1077] No, no. I wish I was someone who had a very quiet life like Matt.
[1078] Not a lot of other distractions.
[1079] Fame and fortune have...
[1080] No, torn me into this universe where I can't sit at home and build a little birdhouse that looks like Jefferson's Monticello to scale.
[1081] so that's my cross to bear those are the qualities I would borrow from them and I'd probably keep my keen intellect and massive pompadour that's what I would keep there have I answered your question no you gotta put you in there too what's that?
[1082] I said the hair and the keen intellect yeah oh you're serious and the sexuality the raw sexuality thank you very much Christine thank you Christine all right let's should we hear another yeah we've got another pre -recorded voicemail.
[1083] Hey, Coded.
[1084] Oh, my God.
[1085] You're so cool.
[1086] Oh, man. I love your shades.
[1087] You know, you're in a blacked -out theater.
[1088] And you're wearing sunglasses.
[1089] This is how I can see.
[1090] They're prescription.
[1091] They are.
[1092] Do you want to borrow someone else's glasses, or are you cool?
[1093] You're good with those.
[1094] They're fine.
[1095] Thank you so much, man. You can't see me?
[1096] I can see you.
[1097] You can see me all right with the sunglasses, right?
[1098] Oh, yeah.
[1099] Okay.
[1100] I've been listening to your podcast every single.
[1101] single night before I go to bed.
[1102] Not that you put me to sleep or anything, but it's just...
[1103] No, I got the message.
[1104] But...
[1105] But...
[1106] When hot chocolate and most prescription medicines don't work.
[1107] You want to listen to Conan O 'Brien.
[1108] Got it.
[1109] No THC.
[1110] Chocolate for me. Anyway, I have to ask.
[1111] So, facing the 2020s in, like, in this time, like, if you were to picture yourself in your mid -20s right now, like, how exactly would you be able to break out into the industry as it is today?
[1112] I guess...
[1113] No one would ever hear of me. I guess what I'm asking is...
[1114] I would die in complete obscurity.
[1115] Like, if you were to be viral in any way, what would be the first viral thing that you'd be known for?
[1116] I think I'd be in pornography, probably.
[1117] So syphilis would be your virus?
[1118] Matterspect right there, matter spec.
[1119] No, no, I'm just saying that's a way to...
[1120] You know what I mean?
[1121] You know, you got the goods.
[1122] you know, and I think...
[1123] Oh, God.
[1124] This is a family show.
[1125] It's awful.
[1126] I'm an awful person.
[1127] I'm an awful, awful man. Sona, Matt Gourley, Conan, you guys are amazing.
[1128] Can I answer your question wearing your sunglasses?
[1129] Is that okay?
[1130] Can you come forward, please?
[1131] Yeah, come on.
[1132] Yeah, I'll give them right back.
[1133] That's incredible.
[1134] This is me. The year is 2020, and I am now 22 years old, and I've just come to L .A. My name's Conan O 'Brien, and I'm rocking these glasses.
[1135] And I'm the coolest badass anybody's ever seen.
[1136] And so I'm making a lot of viral videos, because that's what people do now, and it's going absolutely nowhere.
[1137] So I moved to Oklahoma, and I become a farmer.
[1138] I honestly don't know.
[1139] I mean, I think one of the things that is so difficult now is the relationship.
[1140] lot of things that were that were hard when I was getting started, which is there were so few ways to break in.
[1141] But if you did break in, it was, you felt, you know, quite fortunate.
[1142] Today, the good news is that everybody can make a viral video, I'm saying a video and put it online.
[1143] And then the flip side is everybody can make a video and put it online.
[1144] So it's just the yin and the yang of it.
[1145] It's a really tricky thing.
[1146] So I do have sympathy.
[1147] I admire and respect.
[1148] There's so many young people out there that are making really funny.
[1149] My kids are constantly showing me stuff that's someone did on TikTok, someone did online, that's absolutely hilarious and brilliant, and it's someone who made it in their basement.
[1150] Whether that leads to them, you know, becoming famous or a known person in the entertainment industry, I don't know, but I do think it's a huge advance that people can do that.
[1151] And there's so much talent out there.
[1152] Unfortunately, you've got to really be patient and look for it because there's a lot of terrible, terrible stuff.
[1153] And the good is always rare.
[1154] It's like the definition of really good work is that it's rare.
[1155] So I think we just have to keep that in mind.
[1156] But are you interested in being in this business?
[1157] My next job is going to be a TikTok star.
[1158] Security.
[1159] Security is going to take you away now.
[1160] We do not tolerate any TikTok stars here.
[1161] You're going to be incarcerated.
[1162] Can we have time for one more?
[1163] All right, thank you.
[1164] Time for one more?
[1165] Hey, how are you?
[1166] Oh my God.
[1167] I don't typically get Starstruck, but I've been your fan since I was 12 years old.
[1168] Oh, that's so nice.
[1169] Thank you so much.
[1170] You are one of my three celebrity crushes.
[1171] Please don't mention the other two.
[1172] I'm being serious, because I've had people, I've had women come up to me and go, like, I swear to God, there's, I have a hall pass, it's you.
[1173] and then they say the other person, and it crushes me. Okay, okay.
[1174] It just crushes me. So, I don't want to hear who they are.
[1175] Let's not cloud our fantasies with those miscreants.
[1176] Who needs them?
[1177] I hear they're infinite.
[1178] It's just you.
[1179] Maybe it's me and a slightly younger me and a slightly older me. Okay.
[1180] Different versions of you.
[1181] Oh, what?
[1182] Oh, come on.
[1183] It's not like my wife and daughter are at this show.
[1184] Jesus!
[1185] All right, so I wanted to ask you, what's a moment you can recall in the entirety of your life that just made you think I'm so glad to be alive?
[1186] It could be a really banal moment.
[1187] It could be a milestone.
[1188] What's the first thing that comes to mind?
[1189] Wow.
[1190] Remember your wife and my daughter are here.
[1191] You know, The first time I saw my wife, and then envisioned my eventual daughter, I knew it was good to be alive.
[1192] Good answer, good answer.
[1193] That's number one, okay?
[1194] Now I get to go home.
[1195] Now that that's out of the way.
[1196] I get to go home.
[1197] That's the important thing.
[1198] No days in again for me. They're twice a week.
[1199] I'm sent to the days in.
[1200] Get it.
[1201] And they're not a sponsor.
[1202] I get there in my Chevy.
[1203] You know, I have to say, I mean, that's such a profound question that I don't think there's one moment.
[1204] I am good.
[1205] I have, as they'll readily tell you, I have a ton of flaws, but I am a very grateful person.
[1206] So I do, I remember one moment in particular stands out.
[1207] I think I was 24, and I was working at Saturday Night Live, and it's rock.
[1208] Rockefeller Center, Christmas time, lights.
[1209] I'm a kid.
[1210] I have a job there.
[1211] I leave.
[1212] I get, I hail a cab.
[1213] And I remember I rolled down the window and I just saw the tree and 30 Rock.
[1214] I knew that I worked there and it was Christmas time and we just wrapped up a show and I had a sketch on it.
[1215] And I might be overwhelming feeling I had was I won the lottery.
[1216] This is pure luck.
[1217] I'm so happy.
[1218] You know, I was very grateful and I remember then thinking never be bitter.
[1219] Just don't be bitter because a lot of people have success.
[1220] They really do.
[1221] A lot of people have, I think the most shocking thing to me in this business and just in the world in life is that I meet people that have had incredible good fortune and they're mad and they're unhappy and they think they got screwed somehow.
[1222] And I can't tell you we have a society that elevates these people and you see them on billboards and you see them in magazines and you think their life's so great and so many people are unhappy.
[1223] And I just think It doesn't matter.
[1224] You know, my grandfather was a policeman in Worcester Mass, directed traffic, got $55 a week.
[1225] And you know what?
[1226] All he ever said was I'm the luckiest person ever.
[1227] And he just had that attitude.
[1228] And he wasn't.
[1229] I make so much more than that.
[1230] I wish he were alive and I would tell him that right now.
[1231] Do you realize how little $55 a week is?
[1232] I bet you could stay at the days.
[1233] I want in for that.
[1234] So the first thing I'm going to say, to say to him when I get to the afterlife.
[1235] Do you realize how little that is?
[1236] That's shit!
[1237] Sir, you've got to leave heaven now.
[1238] I'm not leaving heaven.
[1239] Anyway, that's a really nice question.
[1240] I'm glad you asked it.
[1241] That's a sweet question.
[1242] Nice to meet you.
[1243] Let's hear it for the two people that make our podcast so great.
[1244] Sonomov Sessia and Matt Garley.
[1245] Yay, seriously.
[1246] You know, that's my life now.
[1247] Wherever I go, wherever I go anywhere.
[1248] I'm going to wrap things up now, but I want to thank you all for coming out and seeing Conan O 'Brien needs a friend, and I do need a friend, and I love that all of you are listening to the podcast.
[1249] It means the world to me. Let's take it on home, everybody.
[1250] Call us here, hear the yell, back to school, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
[1251] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[1252] I can tell that we...
[1253] me, Susie Lee, through the park and by the tree, we will rest upon the grounds we found safely walk to school without us now, learn to spell, nouns and books in show and tell, playtime we will throw the ball, back to class through the hall.
[1254] Teacher marks are high if you get us the wall, teacher marks are any time back we don't notice anything we sit side by side in every class teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes it when you sing to night in bed silly thoughts run through my alphabets when I wake tomorrow I'll bet that you and O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien sonam of Sessian and Matt Goreley Produced by me, Matt Goreley.
[1255] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1256] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1257] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1258] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1259] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1260] Engineering by Will Bechtin, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
[1261] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcast, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1262] Got a question for Conan?
[1263] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1264] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1265] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.
[1266] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.