Justin Long

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Emmy nominated Monica Mouse.

[3] Oh, what a Monica I have?

[4] Oh, what a Monica you have.

[5] Today we have just a beautiful buddy of ours.

[6] Yeah.

[7] Justin Love You Long time.

[8] Justin Long is so sweet and talented.

[9] And he did your favorite thing, which is impersonations.

[10] Oh, he is incredible at impersonations.

[11] He's a bit of us mimicking savant.

[12] Yes.

[13] His Vince Vaughn gets me. So few people can do Vince Vaugh.

[14] You know Justin Long from Dodge Ball.

[15] Jeepers Creepers accepted, live free or die hard.

[16] You probably just know him because he's super funny and he's cute as all get out.

[17] And he has a new podcast, which I'm on and you're on.

[18] That's true.

[19] And he's on ours.

[20] And his podcast is called Life is Short with Justin Long.

[21] Life is short with Justin Long.

[22] So please check that out all the places you.

[23] get a podcast.

[24] Please enjoy just in long.

[25] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[26] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[27] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[28] I haven't seen you in a long time, but I feel like I feel like I've been hanging out with you for the last couple weeks.

[29] Yeah.

[30] No, because I've been listening.

[31] I've been so to the podcast.

[32] Well, I feel that way about you regardless, though, not listening to your voice frequently.

[33] First of all, it's very flattering that you listen to the show.

[34] Oh, I love it.

[35] I love it.

[36] You have such on it.

[37] I mean, you've heard this.

[38] You have such honesty and vulnerability, and it's very attractive.

[39] It's a very attractive quality.

[40] And I wish Monica were here as I'd pay here a similar.

[41] I'd love the two of you together.

[42] My favorite part is the post show, you know, the fact check when we really roll up our sleeves and argue with one another.

[43] But it's great.

[44] You have this it's such a perfect comedic dynamic you also sound like a bit like cartoon like inviting cartoon characters oh you have kind of a melody to your voice and it's inviting it's a and she has a kind of a cute little she sounds like the little miniature mouse yes yeah well but well that was one thing i was going to say to you is that you i'm envious of your kind of vocal control because you what i've never been able to do i did i did a few episodes of king of the hill yeah god bless them for And I think that's just because they like me. I don't think I necessarily did a good job.

[45] But I've always been pretty subpar at like cartoon voices, voiceover stuff.

[46] And you're fantastic at it.

[47] And as is my wife, I live with like Michael Jordan of that.

[48] Do you find, though, that when you, oh, God, I don't even know where to start with you because I, first of all, I'm just, can I take my shoes off?

[49] Yeah, you can take everything off.

[50] What if because Monica wasn't here, we just did it in the nude?

[51] I sincerely would.

[52] I would just to do it.

[53] Why not?

[54] But do you find that when you were younger in your career, you had more bravado in that you would take bigger swings?

[55] Or do you feel like you're consistently still willing to go out on a far limb?

[56] Oh, you see, I would say the opposite.

[57] I would be more inclined to swing more now.

[58] Oh.

[59] Back then, especially at the beginning, you know, you're limited, obviously, by what people are willing to put you in.

[60] Right, yeah.

[61] You know, idiocracy was kind of like that, where I got to do little character parts.

[62] Yeah.

[63] I really missed that.

[64] Yours is in a two -way tie for me with Camacho for my favorite.

[65] Oh, fuck.

[66] I mean, your thing was so funny.

[67] Terry was great.

[68] Everybody, you.

[69] But what you did in that was you made it.

[70] It wasn't a caricature.

[71] It was this ridiculous character, really dumb guy.

[72] But you felt for him.

[73] I mean, that's a feat.

[74] Well, thank you.

[75] A guy who's, like, really into farting and jerking off and, like, you know.

[76] watching out that that's based on a real guy that i knew in high school no kidding talk like that and his uncle had a tow truck oh he was always out hooking with his uncle on the weekends and this guy had we'd open the trunk of his car and there was a fucking deer head in there like every story ended up you go right into it every story ends with like they find a carciss or you know his uncle crashed into something just a real a rag tag we flipped over the fucking deer head and there with an antelope antler in there we think it was a very polarizing performance like people tend to hate it or they like it you yes me frito in idiocracy and do you know that that movie came out in 2006 but we made it in 2004 yeah and it sat on a shelf for a long time one of the things the studio had thought well that the character's just so terrible we got to get them to fix it so they sent mike and i to an a dr booth and i had to loop no shit my entire fucking performance in a normal voice what which was even worse because i'm not great at a dr and nothing matched and oh my god yeah because they thought it was so uh too extreme it was yeah just annoying that he had a list i guess i mean i i understand like people they like it or they well i love it and i had happened to be doing like a couple episodes of king in the hill and i had read that script and I was like I brought it up to him at lunch like to Mike like oh my god I fucking loved that script well it was it called then it was 3 ,001 but anyways he I was like I really want to audition he's like I was picturing more of like a you know like a slob and so I was like well let's just let me audition big beefy guy like a real like a big beef so I was like just please let me audition I did this character at the growlings forever I think it might work blah blah blah and then i audition and then it kind of ended and he's just like well smart work I can't believe you're saying i could have voices that that's a great judge well it's hard to do he's one of like a handful of people I could do but you did him you did him too in fact when we were doing that movie you and I spent more time i think talking to each other like my judge but I asked him if he did do my outgoing message I remember this yeah yeah and he messed up the first time uh he was doing bevis and butthead and he was like uh uh you're you've rich justinth phone yeah leave him uh oh sorry i kind of messed that up like halfway through bevis he's handkill and i wish i kept that you know yeah kept that one but i had that on for so long and i used to do dumb outgoing messages where i would do impressions of people and drive and i had a friend call up and he said uh after mike left that bevis and butthead one which was actually bevis and butthead obviously my friend was like Uh, not your best.

[77] Nope.

[78] Not, not your best, uh, works.

[79] So, so I was just newly sober.

[80] I got sober for idiocracy, okay?

[81] Huh.

[82] I remember being very jealous of you because you were having a fucking party.

[83] You were having a great, great time.

[84] Well, I was only doing one day.

[85] Right.

[86] But you were in Austin.

[87] And, you know, we were hanging out with Mike.

[88] I was, I got to do Coke.

[89] Right.

[90] Right.

[91] And then that, the night that you got him.

[92] to do that i was with you guys that yeah and then i peeled off because it was time to get going i know you were sober then yeah and then so you guys got drunk and i just and then i knew and i saw you and you're like oh my god i got mike to do my outgoing message i was like this is when i'm missing i could have an outgoing message from mike if i had fucking gotten loose at the bar with everyone i just remember going oh this guy's he's having so much fun oh yeah i would never have had the nerve to ask him had it not been how many times do you think we've worked together i was thinking about this and I don't Was it just that?

[93] No. Three things.

[94] I wouldn't have been able to answer that off the top of my head.

[95] We were in idiocracy together.

[96] We were in old dogs.

[97] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, old dogs, yeah.

[98] And we were both in Veronica Mars.

[99] Oh, okay, yeah.

[100] That's right.

[101] That's right.

[102] But we never had stuff to do.

[103] No, I don't think we've actually had a scene together.

[104] No, no. We're going to start at the beginning a little bit.

[105] Okay, I'm going to take you back to Connecticut.

[106] 1978, June 2nd.

[107] I remember, yeah.

[108] Uh -huh.

[109] You grew up in Connecticut, and dad was a philosophy and a Latin professor.

[110] Yeah, he didn't teach Latin necessarily, but he used it a lot.

[111] He also, I mean, not to brag about my dad, but I will because I love him.

[112] He knows ancient Greek, too.

[113] Oh, wow.

[114] He can translate ancient Greek.

[115] No kidding.

[116] Yeah, he's like...

[117] Why was he interested in that?

[118] Good question.

[119] He was really into the trappings of Catholicism, like the academic part of Catholicism.

[120] Uh -huh.

[121] So the, you know, when he was a kid, it was like handing out the robes and the tradition of it.

[122] Oh, the pageantry.

[123] Yeah.

[124] And I think as he got older and smarter, he developed his brain.

[125] He was a sickly kid, too.

[126] So he was inside a lot of reading.

[127] Okay.

[128] And so that's, I think, where he derived a lot of his value.

[129] He was the smart one.

[130] Uh -huh.

[131] I think that was important to him and not to psychoanalyze him publicly.

[132] No, we should.

[133] But you were raised Catholic as well, right?

[134] Yeah, very much.

[135] And my dad was in the seminary for some.

[136] seven years oh my goodness yeah so he was very i mean they're very they're quite catholic still so even in his like curiosity about it it never went as far as like oh should we be continuing this it was just he had an interest in it in catholicism yeah yeah as a kid i mean he was raised catholic right then when he went to the seminary i think it was also because we he didn't have a lot of money so i think there was also a way to get an education right uh which he got and is the end goal of the seminary to be a priest.

[137] Yeah.

[138] Yeah.

[139] And you know, Todd, to this day, I'm close with my dad, very close with both my parents, but it's, it's still kind of unclear why he left the seminary.

[140] Can I throw a theory of you?

[141] He got horny.

[142] He got horny.

[143] He's like, what the fuck am I doing?

[144] I have all this horniness.

[145] I'm a young man and I'm going to shut this door forever.

[146] Yeah, he was chock full of horn.

[147] He's a horn dog.

[148] Your dad was a, was a virile horn dog.

[149] Yes, as we would be talking.

[150] I'm the Did he carry any kind of guilt or shame for having not gone the full distance?

[151] Yeah.

[152] That's a thing that I'm sort of exploring now.

[153] Right.

[154] He did.

[155] And this is a strange thing, too.

[156] Both my parents' mothers are still alive.

[157] They're 102.

[158] Oh, my goodness.

[159] They're each hundred and Italians?

[160] One is Italian and one is part.

[161] Yeah, German and Mexico.

[162] Good.

[163] Congratulations on your fucking genetics.

[164] There's no one in my family that's lived past 40.

[165] I mean.

[166] I mean, congrats to you.

[167] Yeah.

[168] You've made it.

[169] um no whether the men weren't as lucky there's alcoholism and stuff but i yeah yeah so the seminary you're probably right i think he got horny and yeah i think he wanted he didn't meet your mom first and no he left and then met your mom well it'd be kind of a cool story it's like he was he couldn't stop thinking about her yes yeah that would be really good she was the reason for the horn she yeah she did the impossible she woke that thing up yeah there has to be a movie where a guy in the cemetery yeah we had seminary seminary but there has to be a movie where a guy in the seminary met a gal they must be right and then was lured away yeah so you were in church every sunday yeah i was an altar boy oh you were we were really into it serious about it it was immersive right yeah and you know it's funny all these things now but obviously all of the pedophilia and all these stories i i never you never saw that I never saw it.

[170] That's, you're lucky for you.

[171] I know.

[172] But I, so I had a very positive, Monica, you guys talk about adding S's to things.

[173] Yes, yes, yes.

[174] I do that myself, and I think I do it because in church, I was always trying to get one of my brothers to laugh.

[175] And so I would add S's to some of the prayers.

[176] Amen.

[177] You know, whenever it ended with something, let us bow our heads.

[178] Hell, Mary.

[179] If you just add that, your voice kind of lingers above everybody else's.

[180] I also did a bit with my friend.

[181] Craig Geiling used to sit on the opposite end of the church and we would play this game of chicken to see who would rise first and then who would sit last.

[182] Well, when you have the mindset of me where it's like whenever you're in a situation, all you can think of is all the worst things you could do, it's such a fertile place for that because it's so strict and there's so much structure and it was too much for me. I had too much impulse control issues for it.

[183] We were just getting so much trouble with my brother and I. I still have that.

[184] Even now, I'm in church now the few times I'm there and I'm like, oh, God.

[185] I want to make, I want to fart and I want to do things that like I just want to stir the pot a little bit.

[186] Absolutely.

[187] Wake everyone up.

[188] Yeah.

[189] But the one cool thing that I liked about, the Southern Baptist thing over the Catholics was, you know, you got through that whole sermon.

[190] You heard some amends and it was uncomfortable.

[191] But then you went to the backyard of the church and these were Southern Baptist.

[192] So there was a fucking sizzler, basically, that was laid out where people made fried chicken and all this delicious food.

[193] And then you just, you gorge yourself.

[194] And then it was a party.

[195] It was really fun.

[196] That part I liked.

[197] Our version of that was donuts.

[198] Oh, right.

[199] Yeah, donuts.

[200] You're right.

[201] Now that I think about it, yeah, my Pippi would take us to get some donuts after Catholic Church.

[202] Pippi and Bobby, what was the, you're...

[203] Pippi wanted us to call Grandma Midge, Mimmy, because they're French.

[204] And Pippie and Mimmy.

[205] And Midge was not going for that.

[206] She did not.

[207] What a great name.

[208] Can I tell you the funniest thing about Midge?

[209] She goes by Midge because she thinks her name is so ugly.

[210] What's your name?

[211] Madeline.

[212] Like a beautiful.

[213] That's the most beautiful name a woman could have.

[214] Yeah.

[215] Madeline.

[216] But I think when she was born, Madeline was like a grandma's name.

[217] So she goes by Midge.

[218] So Midge was the way she like she.

[219] No, that's the Midge, but Midge is.

[220] Yes.

[221] It's not nearly as pretty much.

[222] Yes.

[223] But you were a middle child.

[224] Yeah.

[225] As was I. Yes.

[226] And did you occupy the role of like the jester?

[227] Were you trying to like, make light of sure yeah your brother was i think five five years older but but so we didn't have that you really fucking listen to this show man i got i really flattered i love it i you talk about like emulating people you know it's an a thing you said right yeah yeah yeah yeah find somebody that you that's got what you want yeah i sometimes feel like i'm a i'm like a patchwork of people you know that you've met that i've really that i've obviously admired and i can pinpoint certain mannerisms from this doc are you telling you me. Oh, oh yeah.

[228] Michael Jax.

[229] Yeah.

[230] I do this now because he was, he was my North Star.

[231] Right.

[232] He was the Bert Reynolds here.

[233] He was my guy.

[234] And I, I can totally see that being the guy you circled as like, oh, that could be me. In pretentious philosophy terms, that was like the platonic form of a person, you know, every other person is just aspiring to that.

[235] Yes.

[236] He was the fucking coolest he was and he was like a short guy yes who was a boss he stood up for himself and he got the girl and he drove cool and so i had the first part you know all the other things you mentioned i did not have but i but i felt like maybe that was part of it because i was unusually short growing up okay i was in fact in eighth grade i was the shortest second shortest person in our grade including females judy blotian was shorter than me and i desperately wanted to play football you know i had i had always wished i were I wanted to be bigger.

[237] I wanted to be.

[238] And my mother said I couldn't play until high school.

[239] That was the deal we made.

[240] And once I got to high school, I tried out.

[241] I was 4 foot 10, wait 89 pounds.

[242] Oh, boy.

[243] For football, you wanted to play?

[244] Yeah.

[245] Yeah.

[246] You would need to be the kicker or something, right?

[247] Maybe a cornerback.

[248] That's what I thought.

[249] I'd be a cornerback.

[250] I really just wanted to wear the uniform.

[251] Sure.

[252] Be with the guys.

[253] Be with the guys.

[254] Go to the weight room and stuff.

[255] Yeah.

[256] Shower.

[257] Towers at people.

[258] Sure.

[259] All the camaraderie.

[260] Right.

[261] So I went.

[262] I made it two weeks of the training camp.

[263] And the rule was if you made it through the training camp, you'd make the team regardless.

[264] You made the TV.

[265] Oh, that's nice.

[266] So I did.

[267] And I was so proud of myself.

[268] It was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

[269] And I thought I'd really accomplished something.

[270] And I remember the coach, Richie Magdon.

[271] He looked a little like Wilfred Brimley.

[272] He pulled me aside and he said, Eat your oatmeal.

[273] And get your blood sugar checked regularly.

[274] It's the right thing to do.

[275] Stay on top of the diabetes.

[276] Yeah.

[277] And I didn't know.

[278] what he meant and he walked away it was good advice um no he said you know son we got a hell of a wrestling squad here and i said well i wouldn't be able to wrestle because it was the same time as football season he said well you'll be in your own weight class because no one won't you'll you know the forfeit most the games you'll have a winning record oh wow he was really trying to sell me on this yeah and i can't i can't believe forfeiting was part of the strategy that so many people would forfeit because there's no one there yeah for a high school kid what a great lesson to teach yeah um and i said well you know I can't because of this football And he said, son, I'm going to be honest You're never going to play Oh no But I expected that, you know Okay And I said well yeah No, I know But I'll sit on the bench Whatever Snap the towels As long as I got a towel I'm happy Yeah And but you know I said if somebody gets injured Then maybe I'll go in And he said Son let me put it this way Oh boy If we're taking the bus And you happen to be driving Separately for whatever reason He said it somehow like this And the bus gets into an accident God forbid You still He still would play And you know that feeling Where you feel the rush of hot like the blood embarrassment right i remember but just desperately trying not to cry you know that yeah like do not do this don't give him the satisfaction and the embarrassment there were kids around i mean it was oh yeah so i became an actor so wait though he so he basically said i can't kick you up this team but you need to quit this team yeah exactly who yeah i couldn't show up after that and were your brothers similarly sized as you no if i don't know what happened it's unusually so my sweet brother he was just like you he played football in high school at five foot one and 90 pounds.

[279] He then had this crazy growth spurt in 12th grade.

[280] He's my size, but he was real tiny, and he played.

[281] And it was, I remember going with my mom to the games, and it was like not fun for her to watch.

[282] It was like she was scared.

[283] It's like Lucas.

[284] Yes, and he was just getting leveled.

[285] Oh, he played then.

[286] He played, and he had a lot of heart, but he just didn't have the size.

[287] And it was, I just remember, I'm being very impressed with his, like his wheel, power and stuff, but just thinking, oh, God, is he, he's disadvantaged with this size.

[288] I must be terrifying.

[289] And you certainly can't say anything.

[290] No, I was virtually his size, you know.

[291] Because another thing I admire about, your fucking recall is incredible.

[292] Well, just for, it quits at like 29, I think.

[293] Oh, really?

[294] Yeah.

[295] Which I'm really curious about memory.

[296] If there's any science behind, like, is it easier to create memories when you're younger and there's not as much data that you're swimming?

[297] Like, does it fill up, I guess, basically?

[298] Right.

[299] question right because it bums me out sometimes i'll i'll find that i have recall for these the most trivial you know like the names of movies and the actors and that's even more that's better than what i'm thinking of which is like the names of bachelors and who you know ben higgins is with laurenne bushnell i know that i wish that something more worthwhile were occupying that space yeah but your brothers what was the age span so older one was two he was if i had to label them he was the smart one.

[300] Okay.

[301] I was kind of the class, kind of whatever, little one.

[302] You know, I was little, so I was too easy a target to get picked on, so I wasn't really bullied.

[303] Oh, that's nice.

[304] Yeah.

[305] I was too easy target, but you want to be seen then.

[306] Yes.

[307] So then how do you be seen?

[308] I think that informed me. Did you look up to your brother?

[309] Yes, very much so.

[310] Radical.

[311] It's fun.

[312] I'm laughing.

[313] If you knew him, you would, he was very, I don't, how do I say this without insulting?

[314] He's like your dad?

[315] Yeah, quite awkward.

[316] I think he was friends with a lot of the foreign exchange students.

[317] Okay.

[318] incredibly funny and you know oh my god he's great yes but he socially struggled a little bit so did you feel protective of him very much so yeah oh so it's kind of a role reversal there there's another like sort of intimidating being on the show because you are so fucking insightful and i see the way you people are like you get things out of people yes yes you're right yeah i was very protective and in fact i remember the first and last time i went to punch him in the face He would wind me up because he would get picked on.

[319] Sure.

[320] And so he'd come home and kind of.

[321] You want to feel powerful when you're powerless all day.

[322] Yes.

[323] And you went through the same thing.

[324] Yeah, I hate to admit that there, I had some bully moments in elementary that I was a bully.

[325] I wonder because I was, you know.

[326] Well, you've got it from all sides.

[327] Right.

[328] Yeah.

[329] It doesn't excuse it, but I do think that's why I desire like playground time.

[330] It was time to wrestle.

[331] It was time to wrestle me. If you were on the playground, it was time to wrestle.

[332] Not even mean just like I need to feel like I've got a little say in something.

[333] Yeah.

[334] Did that, did you, I mean, looking back on that, do you ever feel the need to kind of like Billy Madison style like call up?

[335] Apologize?

[336] Yes.

[337] There are two kids in particular I can remember that there is one kid.

[338] And it's funny because I want to say that he was complicit in this fight we got in.

[339] But the point is, is I punched this kid in the stomach in the parking lot of my elementary school.

[340] And it knocked the wind out of him.

[341] And I think is the first.

[342] time maybe he ever had the wind knocked out of him so when he fell down he was really crying like very scared i can see it this is probably third grade oh okay and he was quite quite terrified and i remember it vividly and it's so fucking sad i can see him like in a ball really scared did you feel instant i felt bad yeah not not evolved enough to then apologize like i should have but but i did have this really yeah crazy crisis of conscious in fifth grade because my best friend at the time was Clay Smaids.

[343] He was the other tough kid in my class.

[344] Yeah.

[345] And I remember saying to Clay in fourth grade, I'm like, I'm not fighting in fifth grade.

[346] And he's like, what do you mean?

[347] I'm like, you don't, no one likes us.

[348] They just are afraid of us.

[349] Like, everyone that's nice to us is afraid of us.

[350] That's amazing that you had that.

[351] And I'm out.

[352] And he was like, what are you talking about?

[353] Like, we're in the cat, birds.

[354] We're running this playground.

[355] And I just realized people didn't like me for the right reason.

[356] And I then I made a change.

[357] That's amazing that you had that, that you were that imperceptive.

[358] Yeah, I could just tell like, oh, they don't really like me. Like, of course I can sit at their table.

[359] It was just because I was bigger.

[360] Yes, I was much bigger than everyone.

[361] Especially I would imagine being smaller.

[362] Did you like, were you obsessed with big guys with muscles?

[363] Well, no, but I'm sure that had something to do with the Michael J. I was like, right.

[364] You know, because when you think about a guy being cool at that age, that's got a factor in the way they look and a hundred percent see see michael j fox being that for you yeah i i did his show to he i saw that on your resume i never got it never came out they canceled it before my my episode but what was it like working with the guy that you idolized oh my god i i as you don't want to go in too hot yeah yeah but i also do a thing i worry that i um in an effort not to do that i don't want to pull back too much you know and be like too cool yeah and and be kind of like aloof you know or like Yeah.

[365] But I was really having to temper my behavior around him for the first couple of days anyway.

[366] Yeah, you're just kind of paste yourself, right?

[367] And then when they're like, oh, this person's not a freak.

[368] Then you unload on them.

[369] That's kind of my strategy.

[370] Yeah.

[371] So when you did unload on Michael Jay, what did you say?

[372] Yeah, that sounds so gross.

[373] First of all, he was like, I need a towel.

[374] No, he said.

[375] I think he was very appreciative.

[376] You know, it was a strange thing because he, And I don't know how much to say.

[377] He was very gracious, but he would get tired in between takes because he's constantly moving.

[378] And it's got to be deeply frustrating because he's a master of timing.

[379] I mean, his timing on family ties is like, there's nobody better.

[380] It's true.

[381] And to now have your whole timing off.

[382] I mean, your natural timing is not.

[383] I can't.

[384] I've worked with some actors who, like, older.

[385] Older.

[386] Uh -huh.

[387] Who forget lines.

[388] Sure, sure, yeah, yeah.

[389] And they have one of two responses, which is, oh, shit, I messed up.

[390] It's on me. Yeah.

[391] I will get better.

[392] Either way, it's heartbreaking.

[393] But sometimes they'll lash out, you know.

[394] Yes.

[395] Yes.

[396] He was very, very upset.

[397] You weren't here.

[398] Yes.

[399] But what I was going to say is when you were talking to him, did.

[400] It's Michael J. Fox.

[401] Michael J. Fox, who was his number one.

[402] Oh, you're number one.

[403] Who he got to be on his show.

[404] The dream.

[405] He's my North Star.

[406] By the way, just audience.

[407] Once, Monica has joined us.

[408] We're all safe again.

[409] She's back.

[410] Anyways, so when you were talking to Michael J. Fox, the other thing I would have gotten really self -conscious about is I would have been telling him like, oh, my God, dude, you don't understand.

[411] Like, when I saw how fucking back to the future, just I was like, oh, my, that's, you know, I would have gone through this whole thing.

[412] And then I would have got self -conscious like, oh, I'm treating him like he's no longer a star or that that's all in the past.

[413] Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[414] Did you like, no, no. Oh, you know, it didn't.

[415] I wasn't going, no, because he was working because we were, I was on his show.

[416] I'll run into people that we, like, idolized growing up.

[417] And just, I'll stupidly start with when I was a kid.

[418] Yes.

[419] Which already makes them feel super old.

[420] And now it happens to me. And you got me to, yes, I bet for sure Dodgeball, a bunch of little kids probably loved that movie.

[421] A lot of people, it was in 2001.

[422] Yeah.

[423] For me, for me, for me, for me, personally, it felt like, yeah, it felt like, yeah, it felt like, you know a couple of months ago it was yes so with these grown up people bigger with beards full beard when i was a kid it was a big what yeah do you ever you know it's funny one of my favorite is i don't hear it a lot anymore but uh the a compliment that's prefaced by no homo oh yeah a lot of guys would be like hey no homo but i like that thing yes yeah it's a bummer because i i see their intention and i'm like oh you're getting this wrong like this is we don't want a hashtag no homo yeah i always like to say oh no no homo you know maybe i'm Are you sure no, no homo?

[424] Maybe a little...

[425] I play gay porn star in this movie and I say, you better shut your mouth or I'm going to fuck it.

[426] That's my line.

[427] Uh -huh.

[428] And a friend of mine had overheard that once and I always thought it was the funniest thing.

[429] He overheard a guy said to his boyfriend, flirty, like prison style.

[430] Oh, yeah.

[431] You better shut your mouth or I'm going to kiss it.

[432] And I always thought it was the funniest thing.

[433] It's kind of hot.

[434] It's kind of like angry, like aggressive.

[435] Yeah.

[436] So I say it in a movie and everyone's wild people will say that to me. And if I'm with somebody, they're always really thrown, guy just said, hey, by the way, you better shut your mouth or I'm going to fuck it.

[437] The person with me is always weirded out.

[438] But I once got a guy say, hey, no homo, but you better shut your mouth or I'm going to fuck it.

[439] Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

[440] Listen, you give, you surrender the right to say no homo if you're going to say, I'm going to fuck your mouth.

[441] There's got to be a little homo.

[442] Yes, yes.

[443] A modicum of homo.

[444] Yeah, you've got to be at least a five on the Kinsey scale.

[445] The fuck the fucking other dude's mouth.

[446] Okay, so, so now, Now, I get older brother, and now what was younger brother?

[447] Because generally when there's three boys, youngest brother is fucking crazy.

[448] Was he a daredevil?

[449] My brother's very low, very stoic, yeah, the funniest person I know.

[450] We write together.

[451] We do.

[452] It's a very arrogant thing for me to say.

[453] He's the funniest person I know because he's probably the closest person to me. No, that's sweet.

[454] You know Vince Vaughn for crying out loud.

[455] This guy better be funny as hell.

[456] I just want to remind you of some of the people you know.

[457] I think you're forgetting about Ben Stiller and Mike Judge.

[458] That's true.

[459] But he's up there, I would say.

[460] But if I met him and I was like, he is way funnier than Vince Vaugh.

[461] He's very funny.

[462] He's maybe not as quick and balzy and, I mean, I've never seen Alpha.

[463] Yeah, my God.

[464] So Alpha.

[465] Night's hanging out with him.

[466] No homo, but I want to suck his dick all night long.

[467] I want to suck his alpha dick.

[468] No, but I want to sit on his face.

[469] I don't want a 69M.

[470] No homo or anything.

[471] No, no, no, no. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[472] We've all been there.

[473] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[474] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[475] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter.

[476] whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[477] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[478] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[479] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[480] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[481] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[482] So, guys, it's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[483] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[484] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[485] And I don't mean just friends.

[486] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[487] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[488] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[489] As we glazed over something, mom was an actress.

[490] Mom was an actress, yeah.

[491] So my idea of acting growing up, it wasn't glamour.

[492] it was kind of awful it was running around the city we couldn't afford a nanny or anything so she would schlep around the city with us in tow and um a lot of adults like rejecting her and yeah pain yeah it was off i thought i hated or i can't imagine riding home with mom from something where they said no thank i hated it i hated the way they talked to her i hated the way the agents i to this day i'm sure i still have a lot of disdain for people on that part of the business yeah the way they treated my mother and And she was the kind of actress where she would, you know, if she booked a commercial every other year, Christmas was a little.

[493] It's not like we were poor.

[494] My parents, like, provided for us, but she didn't work a lot.

[495] I mean, whatever.

[496] She was mostly did theater, and every once in a while she'd do a commercial.

[497] And my dad was a teacher.

[498] So it was, it was modest.

[499] It was my, at one point, in fact, she stopped acting to become a teacher to make money so that we went more.

[500] So that's where we were at.

[501] But she loved it.

[502] I mean, she wanted to.

[503] And so was she encouraging and you pursuing it?

[504] No. She was deeply troubled by it.

[505] I imagine because if she's experienced all this heartbreak, the last thing you want your kid is to go through a ton of rejection and heartbreak.

[506] Crying.

[507] I want my kids to have a big old dose of rejection.

[508] They're fucking, they got a life of Riley over at our house.

[509] That's true.

[510] They have a swimming pool.

[511] It's interesting.

[512] I think we have a similar disdain for people with my real prejudice against people with money.

[513] Yeah, isn't it silly?

[514] It is.

[515] Oftentimes it's confirmed.

[516] And when it is, I'm like, Oh, you know, I have a thing with Lexuses, Lexi, with Lexi's, when I got, Lexi, when I get cut off and traveling, he's fucking Lexus.

[517] Oh, yeah.

[518] The Lexus thing?

[519] Oh, it's always worse to get cut off by a Porsche.

[520] Yes.

[521] You're like, no way.

[522] That guy's probably good dude and situational.

[523] And then the guy in the Porsche, you're like, oh, he's probably on his way to victimize somebody, you know?

[524] Oh, no. That's really sad to hear about Lexi.

[525] Well, maybe I should.

[526] I don't have one, and they're not a sponsor, but I want one.

[527] Yeah.

[528] You know what?

[529] You should turn the tide for them.

[530] You can single -hand.

[531] Set the record straight.

[532] That's true.

[533] That's a very nice driver, a kind driver.

[534] Courteous.

[535] Fertious, that's the word I was looking at.

[536] You always let people in.

[537] I'll let people in.

[538] I'm not in our hurry.

[539] Can I ask you, do you get frustrated when you let someone in and you don't get any sort of acknowledgement?

[540] It's really rude.

[541] I'll pull someone out of the car over that.

[542] Yeah.

[543] I know.

[544] It's so hard for me to let someone in.

[545] And if I do it, I feel like I deserve like a fucking ticker tape parade for being.

[546] fucking patient the Nobel Peace Prize That is the difference.

[547] You feel like you're doing people a big favor.

[548] I don't.

[549] I'm like this is how you drive.

[550] This is how people drive.

[551] What a nice way to see the world.

[552] It's aspirational.

[553] I really do.

[554] I wish I was more like that.

[555] My brother for a while, years ago worked at Starbucks in Venice and he he had a weird, his Kinsey too was Elijah Wood.

[556] He would text me. And my brother is the least starstruck he doesn't care about that stuff and has seen like the sort of the reasons not to care about it.

[557] But for some reason, Elijah Wood, he was always like, God, he, Elijah Wood's here, and his eyes are transfixing.

[558] And he does.

[559] He has those kind of, like, lemurs.

[560] Glass.

[561] Yeah.

[562] I was driving down Main Street, and I let, I let, I did, I pulled a Monica, and I let a car go in front of me, and that, and wave, the car was nice.

[563] And right behind that car was a little fucking mini Cooper that was tailgating it.

[564] And as I was going, it cut me off to taking advantage of my kind of generosity.

[565] Generosity.

[566] And I beeped and I did a thing that I often do that I wish I didn't, which is to get, I get really sarcastic like, oh, please, you know, I beeped.

[567] I was like, go ahead, no, you know, they made a big thing about it.

[568] And I got a little, then, wave.

[569] You know, I was like, thank you so much.

[570] And I did the whole, like, and we're driving behind this car.

[571] my brother goes um he's silently and goes and i think that's eliza wood in front of us oh wow and i was like you got to stop with this elijah wood thing it's like getting really weird you're like seeing him everywhere and that's looking at his eyes in the rear view because he kept the eyes get kind of like darting back it so i pulled up next to him and looked over and sure enough it was fully elijah wood oh wow and i played back what happened and i realized that when i beeped and was like please go oh yes i think he thought I was a fan who was like, beep, beep, I know you.

[572] Oh, that makes sense.

[573] So the wave he gave me wasn't like, thanks for letting me in.

[574] It was like, thank you for watching.

[575] Yeah, yeah.

[576] I see that you saw me. Oh, wow.

[577] Message received.

[578] Thank you.

[579] Yeah.

[580] Okay, buddy.

[581] Wow.

[582] That's the kind of chance running you can have here in Los Angeles.

[583] Okay, so we've had a few guests on here that have gone to Jesuit high schools.

[584] Oh, really?

[585] Yes.

[586] Even though I, obviously, I'm an atheist and the idea of being in a. Is it parochial schools, terrifies me?

[587] Yeah.

[588] It's the best feedback from these Jesuit schools.

[589] Did you like yours?

[590] No. Oh, thank you.

[591] Thank you.

[592] Breaking the mold.

[593] Well, you know, there were teachers that I've really liked.

[594] My dad taught at the adjoining University, Fairfield University.

[595] So we got tuition.

[596] We were able to free.

[597] Oh, that's lovely.

[598] But no. In fact, I left during my junior year to go to the public school because all my friends were at public school.

[599] So I kind of flunked out.

[600] Okay.

[601] And then they took me back to the private school.

[602] I really shouldn't say anything negative, but the Jesuits were, you know, I enjoyed my experience because there were a lot of characters.

[603] And at that point in my life, I was just using teachers.

[604] They were characters.

[605] Comedy father.

[606] Yeah.

[607] So there were some real characters there.

[608] Yeah, I bet.

[609] Some of those Jesuits.

[610] Yeah, because there were no regulations.

[611] There was a father, Father Barry, who looked like he had the face of Homer Simpson, kind of squinty, but red face bald, angry.

[612] You know, those guys with like perpetually mean?

[613] For girls, they call that resting bitch face.

[614] Oh, yeah, of course.

[615] Yeah.

[616] Yeah, they should have a term for guys.

[617] They should.

[618] That's why I don't like using it.

[619] Resting dick face.

[620] Resting dick face.

[621] Yeah, there you go.

[622] That's nice.

[623] Father Barry at resting dick face.

[624] Okay, sure.

[625] I mean, just characters, really fun studies, you know.

[626] So if you flunked out of there, how did you end up getting into Vassar?

[627] Well, am I saying that correctly?

[628] Is it Vassar?

[629] Thank you.

[630] No, Vassar, yeah.

[631] So when the Jesuit school took me back, which I'm really grateful they did because I would not have gotten into a good school.

[632] I had it not been for that.

[633] I was really into clay animation at the time.

[634] So I was making all these little movies.

[635] Oh, yeah, these little, like, stop motion things.

[636] Stop motion things.

[637] So I think that kind of helped me get in.

[638] And did you love it there?

[639] I did.

[640] I loved it.

[641] I loved it.

[642] Vassar was the total opposite of my high school experience, which grew up in Fairfield, Connecticut, which was a very typical suburban.

[643] And so the social hierarchy was, you know, typical of the jocks were on top and the rich kids and on down.

[644] And toward the bottom were the theater kids, which I had become a part of it.

[645] So the Vassar was the complete opposite.

[646] It was those weird theater kids and the improv guys, they were celebrated.

[647] Right.

[648] And you had, like, there was a comedy troupe at.

[649] Yeah, the sketch comedy group that I started doing it.

[650] It was so fun.

[651] And we just got to experiment.

[652] In fact, I knew a kid there who played, I knew him for months.

[653] I knew him for like a whole semester, Cody Cushner.

[654] He was a friend of mine until I, before I found out, he like admitted to me that he played lacrosse.

[655] He was like, he was like, coming out of the closet.

[656] Oh, right.

[657] He's like, dude, I got to tell you something.

[658] I'm actually on the lacrosse.

[659] That's okay.

[660] I'm super athletic.

[661] You're going to find out sooner or later.

[662] physically like eventually i'll take my shirt off and kind of jacked but i loved it i i i miss it in fact i didn't have the money to be going there the way i was going there if that makes sense i was doing really into theater and doing the improv and all that but i wasn't necessarily learning studying too much yeah did you graduate from there no i left after sophomore year did you have like junior year abroad monica did study abroad i studied abroad twice i studied abroad it can she went anywhere there were there were film festivals it's the cutest oh that's cool oh that's cool Stories you've ever heard.

[663] They waited outside of a premiere.

[664] Did you really?

[665] We had to beg for tickets outside of the premieres.

[666] But we'd have to dress up so we'd be in like formal wear and just begging for tickets on the street.

[667] That's really sweet.

[668] Isn't that endearing?

[669] Because you loved Phil.

[670] You just wanted to be around celebrities.

[671] Yeah.

[672] If I'm being honest.

[673] Wait, so what is the...

[674] A year ago, she would have said film.

[675] Now I'm honest.

[676] Well, you're so honest.

[677] It must be hard not to be honest around you.

[678] You make it a...

[679] It's like a nice.

[680] Yeah, it's not tit for tat if she maintains that she likes the fucking cinema.

[681] I wasn't even in the film program.

[682] I was in the theater program, but this was the film, but I wanted to go there.

[683] So I just was like, can I come?

[684] Did you ever meet anybody fun at those premieres?

[685] You're in a picture, aren't you?

[686] As I recall, was it you and Cali?

[687] Oh, that was the year, after my freshman year, I went to London to study abroad.

[688] And then we saw Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn for the breakup premiere.

[689] We saw them setting up for the premiere.

[690] We just happened to see them setting up at like eight in the morning.

[691] It sounds like Vince and Jennifer were setting up.

[692] Yeah, yeah.

[693] Vince and Jennifer were, you know, setting out.

[694] Rolling the red carpet out.

[695] We just, we were like, what's going on here?

[696] And they were like, oh, a movie premiere.

[697] And we were like, oh, great.

[698] So then we just stood there all day.

[699] We didn't know what premiere it was.

[700] This was Callie.

[701] And I, my friend, Callie.

[702] We stood there all day.

[703] I was obsessed with friends.

[704] Obsessed.

[705] Then it was Jennifer Anniston.

[706] Oh, it was worth it.

[707] What a day.

[708] I'm so lucky.

[709] Well, I always wonder people who wait that lot.

[710] What do you do for, like, food and pee pee pee?

[711] Well, we would take turns.

[712] Oh, we did not poopoo.

[713] No poo.

[714] No, no poo.

[715] I don't think we peed either.

[716] I don't remember that.

[717] But we would take turns.

[718] I would stay.

[719] Callie would go get us food or go shopping.

[720] You'd hold on the fort.

[721] But we were right up there.

[722] We got signed autographs and.

[723] Oh, my God.

[724] You really got a signed autograph?

[725] Yeah.

[726] From both of them are just Jennifer?

[727] Yeah, that sounds I don't remember That's kind Though that'll be a fun story to tell her You gotta have her on Yes She'd be fun to talk We'd love that however But speaking of poop Not to segue Yeah please I am wanting to ask you about this I cannot believe The way you Wipe my butt hole Yeah Well it's a two hand operation You take your testicle And your penis Sure And then you just pull to the side And then you go under To the side You mean up Up and to the side Because you're trying to make room For this arm Yeah And then you just dance around it's amazing i know i know i've had a few people since that episode say they've tried it i'm going to try it's not for everyone yeah also have big hands so to fit them in yeah at a certain point in my twenties i was like why am i reaching behind myself when my anus is right fucking here well you don't go all the way behind you'd go on the just on it's right there look at that wait so you're side wiping yeah like baitman oh no no bateman's rear wiping he's going behind and then pulling up oh i don't do that you're pulling to the side yes side oh why Wow, well, that's a whole new thing now.

[728] Yeah, so you're sidewiping.

[729] Which is, we've not even heard of that yet.

[730] Do I have maybe an elongated taint that allows for this?

[731] That it doesn't get near my best.

[732] Well, I'd love to take a look.

[733] I'm surprised I haven't done that.

[734] Okay, so you go to Vosser, and you leave in your junior year.

[735] And is Galaxy Quest the first thing?

[736] I did a bunch of, like, voiceover.

[737] At the time, there was a voiceover that this kind of character, like this skate guy.

[738] Oh, yeah.

[739] Like, Mountain dude.

[740] Like, that guy was really.

[741] Yep.

[742] So I did a couple of those, I think, like Mountain Dew commercials.

[743] And then, you know what I did?

[744] I got my agent because I went in for an open call for the show, Blue's Clues.

[745] Oh.

[746] So I test, I went in a bunch of times.

[747] Finally got it.

[748] This is a boring story.

[749] So that's how I got my agent was they needed a guy to potentially replace the host.

[750] They were going through contract negotiation.

[751] What?

[752] Do you know I did the same thing?

[753] For Blue's Clues.

[754] Are you kidding?

[755] No. I was very, very close to replacing that guy.

[756] Yes.

[757] What was his name?

[758] I did.

[759] Steve.

[760] Steve Oh, thank you They were his clues, I thought Blue's clues Steve Burns Is that his name?

[761] Yeah, Blue was the dog Oh, okay Well, it's a pre -fact check That's right.

[762] Exciting.

[763] Real -time fact -ish.

[764] Yes, yeah.

[765] No wonder I didn't get it.

[766] I had no No cursory knowledge of whose clues they were.

[767] But no, I'm telling you, I got this close to that.

[768] I have to imagine that would have changed the trajectory for both of us if we were the next steve yeah uh in fact i was going back to vasar uh i was on my way back i was going to i was going back to the second semester i made a bunch of money waiting cables and stuff so i was going to go back and they called like the day before classes were to begin and um it offered me this holding deal and it was like 15 grand for three months which at the time oh yeah to do a boatload of money i was delivering pizzas i was like you're 20 years old 19 yeah 1920 and broke I mean I you know 15 grand and I needed an agent I sent all my stuff to the agents and never never heard by the headshot from Kmart you know and Kmart and so I called up a bunch of the agencies that had had the tenant called me back as soon as I said there was a contract I needed negotiating that hold on one second so and once I had the agent because my mom was an actress I knew what how much that meant I knew how difficult that was to get in yeah and I was so excited that I turned down the contract and and um yeah oh good for you it was one of the only really like ballsy moves yeah that's incredible at the very beginning of three months to walk away from 15 grand i was so eager and knowing you'd have a job that you could go to every day yeah within that time i got a pilot to play student number three on a show that was at that time called stockyville it became ed a year later but when i auditioned for that i i had had had I come from another audition.

[769] First one, I bombed so badly that I was like, I was in such a, like, what am I doing?

[770] I can't do that, you know.

[771] And I hadn't really looked at the sides for the other one.

[772] And I was playing this kind of nervous, like, I was attracted to my teacher and student.

[773] I thought the casting writer of the first line.

[774] I had it.

[775] And so there's this weird pause of, and I kind of stumbled into the first line, like, oh, nervously.

[776] And they started laughing.

[777] As if it were a choice.

[778] Yeah.

[779] Good choice.

[780] And that's how I got the audition for Galaxy Quest.

[781] And I remember going in and there was, I had never been to an audition like this where there were people I recognized in trying out.

[782] I just thought those people got like Eddie K. Thomas and Kieran, you know, these people that I knew.

[783] And I was like, oh, I find no chance.

[784] These people have been in movies and stuff.

[785] And so they flew me out to L .A. I'd never, I'd been on a plane like once before maybe, but yeah they were already already shooting when I read out here and um I met these movies stories so big you're you're still friends with Sam Rockwell right very good friends yeah yeah you guys are bros yeah so I met him doing yeah on that I have a very few moments throughout the ride that I feel like gave me a kind of confidence that I really needed and he's one of them oh yeah he came to a Sunday company show at the groundlings and then came backstage to tell us how good we were and I was and I was a huge Sam Rockwell fan and I was like oh wow this movie star thinks I'm good I just remember that really being winded myself yeah a while going like jack was awesome that was fucking awesome yes that was tremendous yes I just couldn't believe I was looking at them say those things yeah isn't that that goes such a long way it does and then your next movie really is jeeper jeepers creepers right uh while I was shooting galaxy quest I got the summer camp movie called Happy Campers that Dan Waters, who had written, Heather's, wrote.

[786] And it was kind of like the hot, new script, like the kind of a dark comedy, New Line movie, studio, movie.

[787] And we all thought that was going to be, this, we all thought, like, this is it.

[788] We're off to the races.

[789] 100%.

[790] Yeah.

[791] And it was so fun to shoot.

[792] We shot that in the fall of that year.

[793] And, but again, movie star, Brad Renfro was a movie start to me. Yes.

[794] Yeah.

[795] And Renfro's passed.

[796] he was a bad addict was he on that movie could you tell that he was struggling or not yet yeah it's tremendously sad he was 17 and uh had clearly been so damaged yeah um and his great he had and a great actor a great actor yeah but he would get in his own way you know he was he was a teenager he was going through but his grandmother would would sit in her trailer and and smoke virginia slams and she'd just collect his pay you know and was never there no one was there for this So we all tried to kind of take him under our wing and calm him down a little bit.

[797] But, you see, he had so much bravado, so much of that.

[798] Yeah.

[799] And I really loved Brad.

[800] I really, I felt so bad for, you know, and, yeah.

[801] In the craziest story, I mean, I remember, I was sober by then.

[802] And I remember that he was spotted on a raid in downtown L .A. Yeah, yeah.

[803] What do they call that area?

[804] Skid Row.

[805] Skid Row.

[806] Yeah.

[807] And I just, for me, it was very sober.

[808] like, oh, yeah, I can end up there.

[809] Like, people end up there.

[810] People at that, yeah, successful people.

[811] That's right.

[812] Whole movie's built around them.

[813] Yeah.

[814] So then Jeepers, creepers, yeah.

[815] Then Jeepers, scrupers, but still, very early on in your career to end up in a franchise.

[816] Were you thrilled?

[817] I mean, you did a sequel to it.

[818] I had no idea.

[819] It was just, it was thrilling to get a lead in a movie.

[820] Francis Ford Copeland produced it.

[821] Yeah.

[822] In fact, I remember Rockwell was, when we were doing that play, he was about to do a David Mamet movie, this movie Heist.

[823] And he said, hey, man, would you run these lines with me?

[824] And I was eagerly, you know, and we were saying these great David Mamet line, like, I don't want you to be as quiet as an aunt, pissing on cotton.

[825] I want you to be as quiet as an aunt, not even thinking about pissing on cotton.

[826] You know, these great mammoth lines.

[827] And then he goes, hey, I told him about the movie, because I just got in it, I was really proud.

[828] And I was like, you know, I'm doing a movie too after this.

[829] And he goes, he said, hey, man, let's do yours now.

[830] And I say, oh, that's okay.

[831] And he's insist.

[832] No, thank you.

[833] Yeah, and he would run that.

[834] I remember being so self -conscious because the lines in my is this schlucky horn movie were like, it's coming after us.

[835] You know, like, run.

[836] He's stupid.

[837] But he said to me a very important lesson.

[838] Because I think he sensed that I was kind of down on it.

[839] And even though inside, of course, I was so eager.

[840] But in front of him, I was like, oh, he's kind of stupid.

[841] Whatever.

[842] Yeah.

[843] And he goes, hey, man, you got to treat this like it's fucking Hamlet.

[844] Okay?

[845] This is your hamlet.

[846] Remember that.

[847] Yeah.

[848] And he was right.

[849] I never forgot.

[850] God, there's a good lesson.

[851] It's the easiest trap to fall into.

[852] I do empathize with people who do it.

[853] But yeah, it's like all you want is to work.

[854] Yeah.

[855] And then as soon as you're working, all you want is to be in some other movie that you think you should be in.

[856] And then you're embarrassed among your peers now.

[857] And it's like you just, you can lose sight in one second.

[858] Yeah.

[859] I let go of a lot of that.

[860] Yes, me too.

[861] But it is sad because what you can do is you can rob yourself of this incredibly rare opportunity to like be in.

[862] movies go fucking pretend and get a paycheck and be with all these people and share this experience and then your ego's evaluating whether it's good or bad it's a what a waste of fucking time this is such a bad time to do this because this is such an interesting can I have to pee yeah yeah yeah yeah please I think you were yeah Monica just asked how we know each other and my memory was meeting in Austin for idiocacy but you think yeah we met and I don't remember the circumstances I think but I remember talking to you about I could create evolution I think you were you're playing like devil's advocate with and I now know that you do believe in evolution but oh sure I have a horrible memory I so let me preface this by saying that I seem to recall you defending creationism and we got into a whole thing that sounds very off brand for me it does yeah because I made the decision I mean I'll never forget I was I was kneeling in my grandparent Papa Bob and grandma's back bedroom doing my prayers as I'm supposed to and I just was like there's no one's listening to And then I was like, well, but I got to fake it because if there is someone listening to it, I'll be in trouble if I don't.

[863] And then I was like, you can't fake it if it's an all -knowing God.

[864] Why would I ever even try?

[865] And I never then tried again.

[866] How old were you?

[867] Like six.

[868] That's crazy.

[869] Yeah, I remember thinking at a young age because I had an uncle who was a fundamentalist.

[870] And when I was a kid, I was really into the Globagus Islands.

[871] I was really into turtles and lizards and stuff and nature.

[872] I've always wanted to be a biologist.

[873] That's what I thought it was.

[874] That was Darwin's stop, right?

[875] Yes.

[876] Yeah, that's where he came up with a theory of because of the finches.

[877] And I thought it was so fascinating, the different beaks and they did different things.

[878] I remember talking to my uncle about this.

[879] And I asked him about Noah's Ark. You know, because in the Bible they described, the arc is, and we'll insert it later, a certain amount of cubits.

[880] And he said, yep, sure.

[881] It was a bit like Ned Flandersy.

[882] Sure it is, yep.

[883] And I said, and they had two of every animal, huh?

[884] Yeah, yeah, two of every.

[885] I said, in dinosaurs, even, yeah, sure, sure.

[886] Oh, you bet.

[887] Yeah, so I started to describe how big these dinosaurs were.

[888] And he just insisted that this, and it was the first time, I mean, I wasn't like, oh, there's no God.

[889] I remember thinking adults can be wrong.

[890] This adult is wrong.

[891] Right.

[892] And it was a shocking thing to discover.

[893] And again, you know, for me, I would never try to talk someone out of believing in God.

[894] I think that's wonderful people.

[895] But I will make an argument that they have the story wrong.

[896] Even if there is a god, they do have the story wrong.

[897] That's a fact.

[898] Or that the story isn't factual.

[899] Or the whole thing's always been metaphorical.

[900] It's got to be.

[901] And I love the stuff they leave out, which is something that I talk to my parents about, which is a source of a lot of discord.

[902] My favorite being the one about Elijah, they were mocking Elijah.

[903] You know this one where they were mocking him?

[904] They were calling him like old baldy.

[905] And he summoned three she bears out of the woods.

[906] The bears mauled the kids to death.

[907] Oh, great.

[908] So Justice was so.

[909] Yeah.

[910] That's the one I always kind of go to.

[911] Okay, but there's like three juicy things I want to talk to you about.

[912] One of them is, and these are basically things I've been jealous of you in the past.

[913] When I met you, I knew who you were.

[914] You know what I'm saying?

[915] I knew you were the guy in Jeepers creepers.

[916] I knew you had been like the lead of a movie and stuff like that.

[917] So the one thing I was jealous of was like, fuck, this guy can drink, huh?

[918] Like, he can drink and he seems to drink kind of like I did.

[919] Like, he likes to get fucked up.

[920] I like to go out.

[921] Yeah.

[922] Yeah, and now he's hanging with Judge and they're getting close and I've got to go back to my hotel room and like fucking journal.

[923] I just remember being like, I don't know if jealous is the right word.

[924] I just was like, God, I wish I was.

[925] That's so funny.

[926] Could occupy Justin Spade.

[927] That's so weird.

[928] I had a similar, whatever that word is about you because you were doing the role.

[929] You had.

[930] And I was like, oh, in my mind, I thought you knew Judge so well that you didn't even need to bang.

[931] It's like, oh, we're already there.

[932] I'm not even interested.

[933] Yeah.

[934] I'll see him on a day off maybe and we'll meet up at dailies and stuff.

[935] But that was my only opportunity to really pick its brain, you know.

[936] Well, and then so this this carries on, though, this trade of yours, which is you're also, and this has got to be my own doing.

[937] I know it has to be.

[938] It must be my problem.

[939] But like, I remember, like Vince Vaughn loved you.

[940] He loves you.

[941] Still loves you, presumably.

[942] Yeah, I hope.

[943] You guys did dodge ball together.

[944] Yeah.

[945] And he, like, really took you under his wing.

[946] totally right he took you on the wild west yeah tour the comedy tour yeah he was i've always felt like he was like a mentor to me yeah he we had that relationship and and you were in the breakup and i just was like god all these guys who i wanted to like me liked you used dance between all these little comedy camps yeah whether it was mike judge or it was vince and ben or it was the the gary sanchise guys like they all like you yeah you're so likable And I, how do you, how do you, what's your secrets?

[947] Well, you know, it's so weird because I, on a very base level, I had jealousy might not be the word.

[948] But I, it's so funny, I wrote down a bunch of these things.

[949] Like, I, you have this that I want, you have this that I want.

[950] I'm going to find them and read them.

[951] You'll like it.

[952] I'm not sober with a clear perspective of sobriety, but I wish I were.

[953] I'm not married to Kristen Bell, but I wish I were.

[954] Sure.

[955] I don't have kids, but I wish I did.

[956] I mean, all these things.

[957] But on a very base level, your size and your career.

[958] charisma are two things that I've always really wanted.

[959] Grass is always greener.

[960] So that confidence, and I wonder if it comes, and I always thought maybe it came from size.

[961] I'm sure.

[962] That, I'm sure, has a big thing.

[963] But with Vince, I think that that had a lot to do with our relationship.

[964] You know, Vince was, when I'm around people that physically.

[965] He is a monster.

[966] He's a monster.

[967] For people who have never stood next to him.

[968] Yeah, but he, so when you hug somebody like that even, It's a very emasculating experience and not necessarily in a bad way.

[969] I'm okay with that.

[970] Oh, yeah.

[971] I like feeling like when I hug DeNofrio, I'm like, fuck, yeah, this feels so good to be little in someone's arms.

[972] Just taking pictures with you outside.

[973] I was literally looking up to you like I was your little buddy.

[974] And that's how I feel about your dynamic.

[975] I get a sense of you're kind of like the big gregarias getting your sweet.

[976] It's all false advertising, though, because she's a boss.

[977] She's much bigger and stronger.

[978] more resilient but Vince and I had that I think I think that we had that kind of and I think he knew that I looked up to him and and I remember being at the I was 20 21 and at the chateau Marmont this is too she but um no this is awesome when you're 21 and you're with fucking Vince Vaugh man and at Vince is holding court at his back when you could smoke inside Vince is holding court at a table with five youth and hawk and Billy crude up and you name it all these like super cool and he's out alpha and everyone oh and he's telling this story and you gotta see and the guy came in and now i'm standing there and i got the other guy and he's telling this amazing story but he we so we so we'd be at this table uh with all these guys and i'm just taking it all in you know and vince is telling these stories my fucking face hurts from laughing and there would a girl inevitably would would approach the table beautiful beyond i never seen like from another plan yeah yeah like the people that make jagger dated Yes, yes.

[979] I've only seen on TV.

[980] Study, whatever.

[981] Beautiful.

[982] And their line was always, could I get a cigarette?

[983] That was the opening line.

[984] And without missing a beat, it'd still be in the middle of the thing.

[985] He'd flip his pack up like this, and he would just offer it to her like that, almost without even looking.

[986] And it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

[987] And they would take it, and it's kind of confused because, like, haven't you seen me?

[988] It was like, these were girls that never got your other life, she got turned out.

[989] But was that a move of his?

[990] Or was he just didn't care about them?

[991] He, so here's the point about him, which is, what's beautiful, I think.

[992] He cared so much about the story and the good times.

[993] And then they would say, they'd stand confused.

[994] Can I get a light?

[995] And he'd zipo, like this, right in the middle of the thing, Zippo.

[996] Like their hair on fire.

[997] Jesus.

[998] Still, keep it with the story.

[999] And then if they did some, they usually go away.

[1000] But occasionally they would say, because they're so confused, they would say, well, can I, can I sit?

[1001] down or some gesture like that and he would say a version of like i'm so sorry we're just having a good time with the guys here tonight you know but i'm sure there are a lot of lovely you know if you get out there i'm sure a lot of guys out there wouldn't want to get their hands on you you know and i love that oh it's so sexy yeah oh my god and they were just so confused and i remember thinking i'll move over you know yeah yeah i'll stand up i've heard this story before um you don't really know Vince.

[1002] I didn't feel like I knew him until I played catchphrase with his family with his sisters, both of whom are I mean, you think they're awesome.

[1003] They're awesome.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] Victoria.

[1006] You think Vince is quite.

[1007] They're all.

[1008] It's just like a little bit higher, babe.

[1009] Yeah.

[1010] I mean, you may be the greatest of all time.

[1011] It's so funny and it's just to sit back and watch those go.

[1012] And it says a ton about him that those girls are so involved in his life.

[1013] He is so loyal.

[1014] Yeah.

[1015] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1016] In fact, it's funny you say that about Vincent, about a relationship, because when I, and I heard you talking about Adam about this, the jealousy about losing out on, I think it was stepbrothers for you.

[1017] But mine was wedding crashers.

[1018] Mine was, that was my stepbrothers.

[1019] I can tell this story without sounding arrogant because I didn't get it.

[1020] But it was the best.

[1021] For Bradley's role?

[1022] Yes, yes, for Bradley's role.

[1023] Yeah, the alpha, hopped up jock, yeah.

[1024] No, for Kier, for Kier.

[1025] Oh, no, I was being serious.

[1026] No. That's so flattering.

[1027] I think you're joking.

[1028] No. No, for the son, for Todd.

[1029] Oh, Kier, who he was so brilliant and that, wasn't he?

[1030] The best audition of my life that I'll ever have.

[1031] And again, I didn't get it so I can tell this.

[1032] They stopped the tape.

[1033] They were laughing.

[1034] Everyone was laughing so hard.

[1035] It was very embarrassing to tell you about it.

[1036] But, and I said, oh, sh -de -sh, shh, shh.

[1037] Should I go again?

[1038] And they were like, are you kidding?

[1039] What?

[1040] No, that was great.

[1041] Hugging me. Oh, yes.

[1042] What's your schedule?

[1043] Oh, man. And I had just signed up for the, for waiting.

[1044] And they said, are you available?

[1045] And I said, well, I'm about to, did you sign the contract?

[1046] It was that.

[1047] Oh, wow.

[1048] Oh, tell us you didn't sign the contract.

[1049] No, I haven't yet.

[1050] Okay, great.

[1051] We're going to make it work, blah, blah, blah.

[1052] Hugging the Dobkin.

[1053] So I leave.

[1054] That was a Wednesday.

[1055] They had to see other people.

[1056] And it was the thing, the agents, and they already said about.

[1057] Friday I call nervously the agency calm down it's happening we're going to hear today is lunchtime they had a different tone yes just it's okay they're gonna yeah one o 'clock I'm calling frantically I'm not hearing back and then they started saying things like we you know those terms where it's like we think it may be going away from you oh yeah they're like where's it going we'll tell it to come back it was there yeah you know and and they have all these soft ways they're going another direction.

[1058] So I panic and I, and I had done dodgeball with Vince this summer before and he had said something like, you know, if you ever need anything, you know, he was so generous.

[1059] You don't hesitate to call and, and, um, so good.

[1060] And so I, but I hesitated to do that because I didn't want to, you know, if I wasn't right for the part or whatever, I don't want him to, you don't want to make him, put him in an awkward position.

[1061] Um, and so I, I, so I called him then and I said, okay, I got to call it to be, I got to call the big guns and now I'm going to need him.

[1062] And, uh, he called me back.

[1063] like an hour later and he's like I wish he had called two hours earlier I called and they had offered it to some guy O'Donnell I don't know who you know I was like who the fuck is this guy and I was so mad you know it's so embarrassing to think about because this sounds like bullshit now because since I'm happy for friends of mine who get things things that I want but I at the time you weren't there yet I wasn't there yeah and I was like who the fuck is this guy so upset and I called my mom I was like I'm going to work with Christopher Wagon That's one of the reasons we do that.

[1064] You want to make your parents proud.

[1065] And so I remember, to add insult to injury, when they started shooting the movie, Vince would call me. And he's like, you got to come down to set.

[1066] You got to meet here.

[1067] He's awesome.

[1068] You're going to love him.

[1069] The two of you were going to be like two pieces in time.

[1070] And it just made it so much worth.

[1071] So now this guy's his little, like, protege is like, yuck her.

[1072] And so, Vince.

[1073] He's like being invited to hang out with your ex -girlfriend's new boyfriend.

[1074] He's a rat hang.

[1075] Exactly.

[1076] You're going to love it.

[1077] Yeah.

[1078] His dick is so big.

[1079] he lasts so long how does that benefit me no I'm just telling you you'll be happy you saw so when he wanted me to do that comedy tour Vince called me and I knew Keir was doing it I showed up you know with a real chip on my shoulder and I'm not kidding within oh god five minutes we were doing bits and we were laughing and I was...

[1080] He's a wonderful dude he's the best and I was like I know he's one of your best buddies one of my best friends now so the end of this I mean it's a nice end because we, and we now laugh about that story.

[1081] So I ran into you.

[1082] So we would bump into each other.

[1083] We did idiocracy.

[1084] I'm trying to think where I ran into you that you told me the story.

[1085] Well, here's my memory is that you and I at the exact same time were both dating really famous women.

[1086] Okay.

[1087] And I'm not talking about Kristen.

[1088] Okay.

[1089] And I ran into you.

[1090] I was with Helen Mirren.

[1091] Oh, my God.

[1092] Good for you.

[1093] Good for you.

[1094] Yeah, right?

[1095] Yeah.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] Well, there's two things.

[1098] Let's just say that you were in Michigan.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] Your girlfriend was making a movie in Michigan.

[1101] Well, I was too, actually.

[1102] She was making a different movie.

[1103] Oh.

[1104] Oh, you were making a movie as well.

[1105] I was making a movie in Birmingham.

[1106] And you went out drinking somewhere in Birmingham.

[1107] Yeah.

[1108] You know, I feel kind of okay telling this because it's been so long.

[1109] And I'm with you and you've lulled me into a state of honesty.

[1110] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1111] So charming and vulnerable.

[1112] And big.

[1113] Scary.

[1114] Scary.

[1115] Yeah.

[1116] Imposing.

[1117] But lovable.

[1118] Yeah, I was in Birmingham, and I had been out, it was at a time of my life, and I'm sure this happened to you around that time, where things started to get weird in terms of people recognizing me, I guess.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] And it was, I hate it.

[1121] Well, a lot of it because you were in a really public relationship.

[1122] Yes, right?

[1123] Yes.

[1124] It's not because of the BAFTA award -winning work I was doing.

[1125] It was, yeah, I was just in these, yeah.

[1126] Tabloids and stuff.

[1127] Tabloids and stuff.

[1128] Which I didn't have much of a, except for the photographers around.

[1129] I wasn't looking at that stuff.

[1130] And you know this.

[1131] All right.

[1132] So we differ already.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] So I, too, was in tabloids at that time for my famous girlfriend.

[1135] I was aware of it and I saw it.

[1136] And I was, this was 13 years ago.

[1137] I was thrilled.

[1138] I thought it was, I'd be lying if, like, my dad would call and be like, yeah, I just I'm at the checkout line at Walmart.

[1139] You're fucking in a swimsuit looking good.

[1140] And I was like, oh, this is awesome.

[1141] This is like, this is, like, this is.

[1142] What being famous is like.

[1143] Oh, funny.

[1144] I hate you.

[1145] Because those magazines were proving to the world that I deserve someone like her.

[1146] And so I was letting it fill me up.

[1147] Interesting.

[1148] My self -esteem.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] Look, I'm sure I got some injection of that.

[1151] I'm sure that did me. Yeah.

[1152] It's hard not to, right?

[1153] Of course.

[1154] Because it's the most popular cheerleader in school.

[1155] Totally.

[1156] And I'm the four foot nine guy who came out of the football day.

[1157] Totally.

[1158] But that's not to say you were with her because of that.

[1159] That whole part of it to me got real confusing in a hurry.

[1160] Oh, interesting.

[1161] I wanted that gone.

[1162] You did.

[1163] I hate.

[1164] Yes.

[1165] Because you felt like it was impacting the relationship?

[1166] Well, I hated what it did to her.

[1167] Right.

[1168] First of all, just the threat of these fucking guys following, speeding through red lights and stuff was this person that I cared so much about.

[1169] I was protective.

[1170] Yes.

[1171] So I hated.

[1172] I hated them.

[1173] I hated any of the bi -parts.

[1174] product of that, I hated the fact that my mother was sort of into I call it like supermarket bragging where my mom would love to go to the supermarket and run into people.

[1175] Loiter.

[1176] Totally.

[1177] Even after we broke up, she would send me, to this day my grandmother sends me. You know, did you hear that so -and -so's doing a movie with?

[1178] Yeah, you know, we broke up and they're still into it.

[1179] Yeah, it's exciting.

[1180] It's exciting.

[1181] It's very exciting.

[1182] Totally.

[1183] So for me, the added layer that made it And I felt like when I saw you, I just, I didn't assume to know anything about you, but I remember just being honest with you about me, which was I remember kind of being done with the relationship.

[1184] And in my mind going, well, when we break up, I certainly know what the story will be.

[1185] The story will be that this person dumped me and I am a piece of shit.

[1186] And of course it was a mistake.

[1187] She should have never been with him.

[1188] This whole narrative spun out in my head where I, felt like maybe I was willing to stay in it longer just so that part didn't happen that is incredibly honest of you and I saw you one point and I said I don't know what your experience is like but just me yeah I I felt like I'd be the loser that everyone was like oh that person finally woke up he had no business being with her oh in my own like the shame of that kept me less than objective it must to factored in.

[1189] But I think the difference is that I, not having that tabloid stuff around was actually like really, it was really nice.

[1190] But then I went on to, you know, I got back into relationships that were with people that had that kind of status.

[1191] So it may have, and it's something I've talked about in therapy, it may be, you know.

[1192] It's a very, a pattern.

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] Well, it's a very bizarre, unique situation to find oneself.

[1195] Yeah.

[1196] Where you're like with somebody you knew when you were young and felt on the outside of something.

[1197] Yes.

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] And I don't know who can navigate that flawlessly, but I certainly didn't.

[1200] Yeah, but the difference.

[1201] See, we got along so well.

[1202] I really loved being around her.

[1203] And to this day is one of my favorite people.

[1204] And I never really, it's weird.

[1205] I never had all that many preconceived notions about her.

[1206] I'm not going to pretend like, you know, when I be, fan of it.

[1207] about becoming an actor, I didn't think about being in movies and like a red carpet and being in a magazine.

[1208] Yeah.

[1209] Shit, that's, of course.

[1210] And it's a little embarrassing to admit now, but there was a time where that fed me. And I thought it was cool.

[1211] Yeah, it was very exciting.

[1212] You wouldn't be human if it, it'd be a character failing if you still cherish that 20 years in.

[1213] You'd have to do some self -reflection.

[1214] Right.

[1215] But it would almost, it would suck if you didn't enjoy that at the beginning.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] But we got to get back to the story.

[1218] Yes, so you were in Michigan and you went out for a cocktail.

[1219] Okay, so we, because this was the digression, right, I was saying that things in my life had been changing and people have been looking.

[1220] I mean, it made me feel really uncomfortable and it was a weird place to be.

[1221] So I would go to my routine was like when I go to the bar, I would take two shots, James, just to kind of ease, just to get into the weirdness.

[1222] Because this was Birmingham, Michigan, where if you did an episode of Law & Order, people were like, oh shit, that's the guy who was on the same.

[1223] It's like Michael Jackson's there.

[1224] I always tell Kristen, we should move home.

[1225] We could be the Brad and Angelina if we just stayed there.

[1226] Oh, my God.

[1227] Oh, that'd be fun for her.

[1228] You're basically the Brad and Andrews.

[1229] I know.

[1230] Shut up.

[1231] I don't know.

[1232] I don't know.

[1233] I forget I said it.

[1234] Okay.

[1235] Go on.

[1236] So, yeah.

[1237] So I had gone out with Steve Bouchemini a couple nights earlier.

[1238] Uh -huh.

[1239] And Steve gets it worse than anyone that I've ever seen because he's got such a recognizable face.

[1240] Again, you don't go, oh, that guy looks.

[1241] like him because nobody looks like him right yeah it is totally so we had been out and that guy looks like andre the giant right is that minute bowl oh no that guy looks like him a new ball another seven foot nine guy suit with a thick African accent yeah so uh so we it got so it got so crazy that night that they put us and he Steve is the nicest guy and very kind of very humble and so people were coming up to him and they had to move us into like a back room just so we could hang out and ironically and I get to why it's ironic but Steve told me the story about the night North Carolina when he was jumped with Vince Vaughn and if you don't know this maybe you can talk about because I don't want to take okay sure on the fact check but he got stabbed right he got stabbed in the neck he got stabbed in the neck I think in the head and the neck and it came within like a millimeter of his jugular oh my God Vince got you this crazy story yeah So he was telling me that, and the lesson being, he was seeing how accommodating I was being with people.

[1242] I wanted people, because I, you want people to like you.

[1243] I want people to like me. It's something I still haven't really overcome working on it.

[1244] He was imparting this lesson to me. Like have boundaries, have normal boundaries.

[1245] Exactly.

[1246] Because I was feeling guilty that, oh, I sent those people away and I didn't give them enough.

[1247] And they were, you know.

[1248] So a couple nights later, I came back to the bar and it was fairly empty.

[1249] And it was my last night of shooting this movie.

[1250] and I went out with one of the actresses and these two PAs, a guy and a girl and of course I go to the bar get my two shots and these guys sidle up next to me. I just remember the feeling of, this sounds so new agey but they had this weird energy, the dark energy and they said, what happened to you the other night?

[1251] Mr. Bigshot.

[1252] I said, what do you mean?

[1253] You guys were moved into some like fancy area like this is our fucking bar bro and I said, oh, of course I'm so and they played right into my vulnerability which was I'm just like you I grew up in a town like this and I said I'm so sorry let's do a shot together and they're all right man and they must have sensed that that was my weakness because they kept coming over to our table and oh you guys know the big shot huh mr hollywood and i'm not i'm like you so at the end of the night uh this is only we were there for a couple hours um and i was a little buzzed and um we were leaving and the guys said it was two in the morning in birmingham and they said do you want to go to a casino we're going to a casino and i and thank god the actress said no i'm gonna go home and the pa said yeah we'll go and i was eager to go because I love playing blackjack and I hadn't been there.

[1254] I didn't been to those Detroit casinos and I thought two in the morning, kind of drunk with strangers was a good time to go.

[1255] So we're going to, I'm headed to the PA's car and they said, I'll call them townies for the sake of the story.

[1256] I hope that's not the joy.

[1257] No, that's great.

[1258] The townies said, why don't we all take the same car?

[1259] P .A. I said, and they said, oh, whoa, you think we're going to do something to the Hollywood?

[1260] And I said, yeah, guys, come on, we're all going to the same car.

[1261] Oh, we got in their car.

[1262] They dropped me off at the hotel for a second to get my pretty, DM to the gamma with got back in we're heading the casino they said we're gonna really quick when you're in your room is any part of you going no no okay nope which is crazy uh okay and no good question uh no i'm like where's my money guys are waiting for me yeah yeah yeah i don't want them to think about you know i hot shot hollywood diva keep i'm waiting so i run out to the car i got my money and we they stop at their condo they said we're going to make a stop i forget why um and as we were going in i remember they made a big deal about take take take your shoes off going quiet they had a roommate that was sleeping took my shoes off um they took out a bong and they they passed it to me they lit it and and um i said oh no you know i'm okay i i want to have my wits about me because we play blackjack and they said are you fucking kidding bro and then no you're not gonna smoke with us bro come on uh so there i go everything's like a huge test yeah you're failing a test yep yep yeah i knew you were a piece of shit yeah confirmed confirmed yeah they uh so of course i smile.

[1263] I take a big hit of this.

[1264] And the second it hits my mouth, I know, the taste was kind of chemically, kind of clear tasting is the best way I can describe it.

[1265] And I, and I, she, it ripped this crazy.

[1266] And my mind, I just remember the feeling of like, immediately losing control of my body, not to the point where I shit my pants, but like, I wish.

[1267] I wish.

[1268] Maybe I did.

[1269] Um, we can add it.

[1270] You just say that you did.

[1271] Yeah, so I shoot my pants.

[1272] So step one, shit my pants.

[1273] You can fact check that.

[1274] Yeah.

[1275] I'm going to find out I did.

[1276] And, but I could, my mind wasn't working.

[1277] It was the strangest thing.

[1278] You think it was angel dust?

[1279] Well, I've since told the story to people in, this one guy in particular in private security, and he thought it was PCP.

[1280] Yeah, yeah, that's the same thing.

[1281] Yeah, yeah.

[1282] And, yeah, so I'm panicking.

[1283] And the, but the PAs didn't smoke weed.

[1284] Well, the girl did.

[1285] Okay.

[1286] And she, like this.

[1287] Oh, boy.

[1288] It looks like a demented, like some cartoon character, you know, like a Tasman.

[1289] Like Renan Stimpy, kind of like.

[1290] like frighteningly over the top.

[1291] And I'm not thinking myself, am I, do I look like this?

[1292] Right, right.

[1293] Because I feel like that.

[1294] Yeah.

[1295] And the guy didn't.

[1296] He had him been drinking, um, and say, or nor, say, was he saying much?

[1297] Then I passed the bong back to the two townies and they were studying me kind of like, and look and looking at each other like conspiratorially.

[1298] Like, is it working kind of thing?

[1299] And, and I said, are you going to smoke?

[1300] But I probably came out like, you swammy getting a street.

[1301] Um, and they, and they said, no, no, bro, we're straight.

[1302] Are you cool?

[1303] Are you, is everything?

[1304] Okay.

[1305] That kind of.

[1306] Frightening.

[1307] And you're probably having a hard time navigating what's now paranoia and what's really happening.

[1308] Totally.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Oh, gosh.

[1311] Because you're probably your spidey senses are going bonkers now that they gave you something that they're not doing.

[1312] Yes.

[1313] But you're also going, fuck, but maybe I'm being paranoid.

[1314] There's a part of me that is.

[1315] I'm like hoping.

[1316] Yeah, yeah.

[1317] That's the drug.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] That's just the drug.

[1320] Then they say, and it keeps getting worse.

[1321] Then they say, let's go get Sean.

[1322] Let's go wake up Sean.

[1323] I said, no, no, is the roommate.

[1324] Don't get you.

[1325] I thought you were sleeping.

[1326] One of them stood up to go get the roommate.

[1327] And I stood up.

[1328] And the remaining town, he started doing these karate kicks at my face.

[1329] Like, it was like in Boogie Nights, you know, where that crystal meth scene where I, and he just, he was saying things like, whoa, whoa, bro, you go, well, sit down, calm down.

[1330] Karate kicks at my face.

[1331] And the roommate came out, fully dressed, wasn't sleepy.

[1332] Oh, wow.

[1333] And he said, I'll never forget.

[1334] He said, oh, yeah, you're right.

[1335] That is the guy.

[1336] Let me go get my camera.

[1337] Oh, God.

[1338] This is a horror story, but did I not tell you this?

[1339] I didn't know.

[1340] I'm going to have nightmares.

[1341] Yeah.

[1342] Yeah.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] You want to...

[1346] The punchline.

[1347] Yeah.

[1348] It's a punchline.

[1349] So now I'm fully panicking.

[1350] And this is before everyone had cameras with them, mercifully.

[1351] This is like 13 years ago.

[1352] This is 2007.

[1353] Okay.

[1354] It was two days before...

[1355] 12 years ago.

[1356] July...

[1357] Yeah, 4th of July 2nd.

[1358] Not that I remember.

[1359] Oh, really?

[1360] And he was there.

[1361] He could have rescued you.

[1362] Oh, my God.

[1363] Yeah.

[1364] And he would have loved to have.

[1365] He would have come in like a whirling dervish.

[1366] We could have had a three -some after.

[1367] So we, I convinced them the two to drive me back And they were guilty me the whole time And saying things like What about the, oh, you can't handle any weed, bro?

[1368] What about that movie you did?

[1369] Strange Wilder?

[1370] I kept mentioning this movie Strange Wilder.

[1371] And we get in the car, I'm in the backseat With the two PAs, the girls next to me. The two guys are driving, they're in front And they were kind of whispering back and forth And they're texting somebody.

[1372] And they're saying things like, yeah, I think you know, I could hear snippets like, yeah we yeah okay we're coming up we got it we're and they would lean back to me and say it's all right bro we're we're gonna make one more stop and that'll be it okay okay Justin they said they said they started saying like okay strange wilderness yeah they started saying like how about we make another movie you want to be in a movie for TMZ or YouTube and yeah and I'm panicking and I and the girl I senses the senses that I'm panicking she it was probably clearly like and she I remember this is the worst part she leaned forward to them and said And I could hear everything.

[1373] What are you guys doing?

[1374] He's freaking out.

[1375] Don't do this to him.

[1376] Why are you doing this?

[1377] And they said, shut the fuck up.

[1378] We know what we're doing.

[1379] We're doing this thing.

[1380] We got it.

[1381] We got under his control.

[1382] And she leaned back to me. And she goes, it's okay, Justin.

[1383] They said, they were going to take you home.

[1384] Everything's going to be fun.

[1385] You know, and now she's the girl, as is the silent other PA who they're in the kidnapping movie.

[1386] They're the ones who are like, guys, we're not really doing this, are we?

[1387] Come on.

[1388] Right.

[1389] Because they were locals.

[1390] I didn't really know that.

[1391] I've been working with them for two weeks and I liked them.

[1392] but yeah i didn't really know them and sure so now i think i'm gonna die i mean that's where i yeah and they started saying how much money did you take out for the casino how much money you got on you oh so i'm like oh fuck and i almost thought i was just getting i thought about giving them the but this was also my body at this point i the idea of taking out my phone and dialing numbers is an impossible feet yeah so i'm just like i don't know what to do so i started like freaking out punching the seat in front of me and the worst of part was they said they tried to mollify me they were like okay oh okay just and calm down we're gonna take you back it's gonna be okay and sure no and i knew the town well enough to know they had been going in the wrong direction and then they reversed course and they started going back to the towns and sweets tie back to my hotel and i was somewhat relieved and i remember thinking okay thank god they were fucking with me they were get they just wanted to see me scared or whatever and so we started going up to the hotel they slow down and i'm thinking here we go and they kept going yeah and i said what are you doing it was back there It's okay, we're just going to make one more stop.

[1393] There was that.

[1394] They wanted me calm, and that was the scariest part.

[1395] Yeah.

[1396] So then I saw a red light coming up, and there was no one.

[1397] It's three in the morning.

[1398] There's no one on the road.

[1399] So I'm coming up to this red light, and I think, okay, I'm going to get out, and I'll just run to the, whatever.

[1400] And they go right through the red light.

[1401] Oh, they blew the red lights.

[1402] They blew the red lights, but stop signs.

[1403] They turned a corner, and they're going about 35 miles.

[1404] I opened the door, and I jump out.

[1405] Of a fucking movie car, like the fall guy.

[1406] Oh, my gosh.

[1407] Yes, yeah.

[1408] Cold severs.

[1409] Yes, yeah.

[1410] But, you know, and I'd seen it on TV, and the movies.

[1411] You just roll, right?

[1412] You roll.

[1413] You don't land on your feet unless you're Spider -Man.

[1414] So I rolled, and, of course, I rolled under the car, and they ran over my leg.

[1415] Totally over my leg.

[1416] And then I roll more.

[1417] And I just remember, yeah.

[1418] It should have been, what the fuck?

[1419] But I just remember thinking it was one of the happiest moments of my life that, right?

[1420] I remember right after I got run over.

[1421] I stood up, and my leg was like.

[1422] It just bent, twisted.

[1423] And I remember looking down, my first thought was, I looked down on my jeans.

[1424] And this is a weird thought for me because I care about as little about fashion as you can.

[1425] And I remember looking down and seeing blood just pooling, like, seeping out of the sides of my leg onto my jeans and thinking, oh, I love those jeans.

[1426] I ruined these jeans, which is so weird.

[1427] Sure.

[1428] I have an attachment to.

[1429] But also filled with the being a lot, you know.

[1430] Yeah.

[1431] Yeah.

[1432] free and that swing i'll never forget that they just they probably they just kept fucking motoring right well i they don't want to deal with having run you over well i i think i'm i don't know that at this point and i i had seen a car coming for headlights coming and i and i'm hobbling toward it flag it down and and weirdly was a cab and i got in the cab and i locked the door and i said take me to the towns and sweets do you know it's right and and and i remember the cab driver i got to get these pants and salt water and cold water And the guy, it was like, what is going, and I'm not being racist.

[1433] No, no, sure, sure.

[1434] But he, what is happening?

[1435] Get out to my cat.

[1436] He didn't want me in there.

[1437] And I can only, I must have had the craziest energy, you know.

[1438] Sure.

[1439] PCP broken leg.

[1440] Oh, my God.

[1441] I've been captive.

[1442] You're like the woman leaving a room with your child.

[1443] Oh, my God.

[1444] And then the PAs came up.

[1445] He wasn't moving.

[1446] And the PAs came up And I'm panicking I'm thinking What if they come after me now And they start They did The two PAs came up And start banging on the window They were freaking Especially the girl with PCP In her system Was freaking out Yeah And I remember she kept saying And this is it's This is just what she said She said Repeating I thought we killed a movie star I thought we killed a movie star And the guy was kind of freak The one who had been kind of calm And he was freaking out And oh my God And now I'm picturing Like the driver Telling this story Like his point of view Oh I would love to hear The sober person This little shirmy.

[1447] Yeah, like, literally it could have been like, yeah, so these dudes want to stop and get pony dogs and fucking Justin jumps out of the car.

[1448] I like that.

[1449] Oh, those guys.

[1450] I was thinking about the cab driver.

[1451] Oh, I'm talking about the sober PA.

[1452] Totally.

[1453] Who's probably like, yeah, these dudes want to stop and get a couple chili dogs on the way down south and fucking long bolts out of the moving car.

[1454] Everything was innocent.

[1455] It could have been.

[1456] They're like, how much money?

[1457] You got enough money for a dog?

[1458] Yeah, they're worried about you.

[1459] Like, do you need money for a camp?

[1460] Do you want us to spot you for?

[1461] Blanche.

[1462] Totally.

[1463] It was all in my head.

[1464] But, um, so I, I saw that they let them out.

[1465] Yes.

[1466] Yes.

[1467] Yes.

[1468] They said you can go.

[1469] Yes.

[1470] Yeah.

[1471] Then they probably wanted to run.

[1472] Yeah, I would imagine.

[1473] Like they have some hair brain scheme.

[1474] Yes.

[1475] And now he's hurt.

[1476] And now you're talking about jail.

[1477] Yeah.

[1478] They must have been freaked out.

[1479] So I made my way back to.

[1480] But really quick, why get out of the cab?

[1481] He wasn't driving.

[1482] He wasn't going anywhere.

[1483] Oh, he didn't want to deal with this.

[1484] No. And I saw, I got the sense then that they were safe.

[1485] By their react, they were, they seemed safe at that point okay um and i was so close to hotel and he was moving so i had no real choice right so i go back i wake up six hours later in more pain than i've ever been in and blood all over the sheets and um oh boy i made my way to a doctor i hope they weren't brook linens made to see a set of brook linens go down is that a sponsor that's right so yeah and then do you go to the hospital i don't okay i went to a doctor oh you did okay uh i don't know why i I was thinking about something else.

[1486] I went to a doctor and he x -rayed it and no broken bones, which is crazy.

[1487] That's great.

[1488] But such bad nerve damage that to this day, and I never dealt with it because a couple days later, I went through a breakup.

[1489] So I was dealing with like this...

[1490] Shame probably, right?

[1491] Sure.

[1492] You've embarrassed this woman.

[1493] You're supposed to be responsible and taking care of my shame.

[1494] But also, for me, it was so out of nowhere that I, in the wake of this thing, when I was supposed to be healing the leg, I was just dealing with the emotional, And I remember the funny little, like, addenda.

[1495] I had to do one of those Apple, those Mac commercials afterwards, like a week after.

[1496] And my leg was, like, swollen out to here to the point where they had to get special jeans for me, you know.

[1497] Oh, wow.

[1498] Big Calf guy jeans.

[1499] Yes.

[1500] Yeah, totally.

[1501] My buddy is Speedman.

[1502] Scott Speedman.

[1503] I don't know if he knows.

[1504] Oh, I love him so much.

[1505] Talk about a guy that will make you not feel handsome.

[1506] I know, right.

[1507] I know, God.

[1508] Wow.

[1509] Is he beautiful?

[1510] Yeah.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] He, my grandmother, who I had never seen behave in any way second.

[1513] Thank God.

[1514] He's like, I thank you, Scott.

[1515] It was so creepy.

[1516] It was like 93 at the time.

[1517] And a mess downstairs.

[1518] That's when you know you're hot when old gales are like.

[1519] Things are waking up.

[1520] Things are half.

[1521] Offline for two decades.

[1522] He, so he really helped me out during that time.

[1523] It was so sudden this thing.

[1524] I was so confused by it that I was asking everyone for advice.

[1525] You know those moments where you're like, you get in a cab in New York and they're like, how are you, sir?

[1526] Where are you going?

[1527] Not too good, Jermish.

[1528] I was just desperate for, like, information.

[1529] And so I was, have you ever dated like an A -list celebrity by chance?

[1530] So, in fact, in fact, when I, I had to drive to the airport right after the breakup.

[1531] I'm going back to the airport.

[1532] And it's in somewhere, and I couldn't get a flight out.

[1533] I remember it was July 4th, and I couldn't find any flights.

[1534] I found a flight in somewhere in Ohio And I'm driving It was the first day I could put a little pressure on the old foot You know and I got the crutches in the back And I got lost It was before the GPS and but I remember driving The sun was setting was beautiful out And that song, that Cold Place song Lovita, LaVita is like I see Missionabills It was yeah I love it was such an uplifting And there were little firework displays Going off in these small town America And it was It felt so I have these moments I had one today driving down sunset and the sky was so dramatic, so beautiful.

[1535] And where I feel so grateful to be a lot, you know.

[1536] And I just almost died two days earlier.

[1537] And I was like, I'm going to be okay.

[1538] You know, right.

[1539] Things are, I'm alive and free.

[1540] Free.

[1541] A week, two weeks later, Speedman's helping me out, you know, licking my wounds and trying to make sense of it.

[1542] And I'm doing this an Apple commercial.

[1543] And James Carville was the guest that day.

[1544] Oh, wow.

[1545] The Raging Cajon.

[1546] The Raging Cajun.

[1547] I love the Raging Cajun.

[1548] Yes.

[1549] And he said, I'm calling everyone Hoss.

[1550] He said, how you doing, Hoss?

[1551] And I was like, well, not too good.

[1552] I was a little person I'm just meaning.

[1553] And I was like, girl, just broke up.

[1554] But then he did say something that was kind of useful.

[1555] And it turned out to be, in fact, be right.

[1556] He said, because he's in such a statistician, you know, he said, oh, so you got to look at it.

[1557] Like, she broke up with you, right?

[1558] You're going to look bad.

[1559] There's a, of that, there's a, there's a, 25.

[1560] percent chance she's going to look back and months later after she's done with this job trying to take you back right she's going to want you back and of that 25 there's a 50 50 percent chance you're going to want to go back with her so the way I see there's a 12 .5 percent chance y 'all going to get back to get anything so you better not cry about it till there and I was like By the way that's a pretty great terrible yeah but you know he turned out to be right there was it he was right but then the next guest was Tony Robbins I'm not kidding I love him and he did the same thing to me Hey, Justin, not nice to meet you.

[1561] How's it going?

[1562] Well, not too good, Tony Robbins.

[1563] And, of course, I unload on him.

[1564] And he gave me the most advice.

[1565] He went on and on about this really great stuff.

[1566] And he took the time to, you know, to direct these pearls of wisdom.

[1567] I mean, and all I heard in my head, all I was thinking was, fuck this guy.

[1568] What does he know?

[1569] He's like this massive, handsome horse, this like horseman with his big handsy, he's a huge dick and he's got this beautiful family yeah what does he know about what i'm going right i was so angry and like to cut off from his right easy for him to say yeah about a month later two months later when i was coming out of it a month later i got a package from him in the mail is one of the nicest things that anyone's given me to this day and it was an ipod which i thought was weird at the time because i was like well strange that he would give me an ipod doesn't he probably assumes that I get at least a discount.

[1570] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1571] But, so, and I kind of set it aside.

[1572] I was like, that's really nice.

[1573] And, and I then plugged it in at one point.

[1574] And I realized that it was all of his stuff, that he had programmed onto it.

[1575] Oh, wow.

[1576] It was really sweet.

[1577] Yeah.

[1578] And all of his, like, yeah, advice and stuff that I've since have been listening to.

[1579] Yeah, it's pretty great, right?

[1580] Pretty great.

[1581] All in all, I think he's mostly about being honest with yourself.

[1582] Yes, that's the kind of stuff.

[1583] Which is tricky and harder to do than you would think.

[1584] Then we give it credit for it.

[1585] Now, what is your relationship with partying in general?

[1586] Yeah.

[1587] Because you like to do it.

[1588] And from the outside, it doesn't seem like you have any wreckage or consequences or anything.

[1589] Is it anything that you evaluate or think about?

[1590] Yes.

[1591] And there was a time where I was drinking too much, I think.

[1592] Oh, okay.

[1593] In fact, there are movies I look back on and think, you know, I really regret, you haven't gone out the night before.

[1594] I should have cherished what I was doing a little bit more, been more respectful of it and you know buttoned it up a little bit's interesting though because that's one way to look at it but another way to look at it would be no your real life isn't the fucking movie that comes out i know your real life isn't the poster well your real life is making that movie and if you were like just elated and joy filled and wanted to go out and play with your cast members and have fun maybe that's more important but not on your deathbed maybe but not definitely in fact i think but not to the detriment of the work you know right that's when it got And like waiting is a perfect example Because we were example Because we were out It was in New Orleans It was the first time I'd been to New Orleans And we were going out every night But we justified it Because it takes place over the course of one day After the night of this big party So we were like oh we're good method Yeah yeah this works But I look back at that movie And I think oh man I'm sleepwalking through it I also have such great memories Of that movie I have a real quick question But you're so good at impressions I mean I didn't know that was a thing.

[1595] I didn't know that was a thing about you.

[1596] I guess I should have known.

[1597] That's a thing people know.

[1598] That's nice.

[1599] Yeah, I like that.

[1600] I like doing.

[1601] It's people also that I admire.

[1602] I've been, I'm going to work on you because I've been listening to you so much.

[1603] Do you go home and like kind of do their voices?

[1604] Or like Kristen has a mimicry thing.

[1605] Yes.

[1606] Hers is, um, actually a tick.

[1607] Where Monica can substantiate this.

[1608] When we watched these shows together, and anyone who's got an accent or anyone who has a weird speech pattern she repeats it quietly and she doesn't think we can hear it but we can and we love it and she gets embarrassed but she has to repeat everything god i is this the same i can't love her i she it's similar it's in fact it's it's more embarrassing because i do it with people in public i do it i just worked in london for that and they have the the whole makeup and her trailer had the best accents ranging they were in the yorkshire there were like people from up there and There were Liverpool, there were Liverpoolians.

[1609] I loved the different, Charlie Creen Miles, this actor, who had law, he was, you know, proper, ace, oh, mate.

[1610] Oh, my God, fucking stab, real proper, fucking great.

[1611] And I would, if they say, do you want it short on the, do you like it short on the side?

[1612] I go, short on the side.

[1613] I'll say it out loud.

[1614] Yeah, yeah.

[1615] I do it more to the people, and it can cause for, it can lead to some little awkward.

[1616] But I just love the sound.

[1617] I have to tell you this before I go.

[1618] You know, when you had Kristen on, I was so curious to see, because you prefaced that first episode by saying something along the lines of I thought about not including this.

[1619] I thought about not airing this.

[1620] And I was so curious to hear what your version of a bad exchange or something that you were insecure about to the point where you almost didn't release it.

[1621] Well, I by no means think it was like a bad fight.

[1622] We have bad fights in real life.

[1623] So I didn't think it was that.

[1624] Right.

[1625] But I definitely thought, oh, this thing people like about Kristen and I is I give her a sloth, she cries.

[1626] You know, like they have this idea of what we are, which is always funny and getting along.

[1627] Yeah.

[1628] And it was very much a power struggle, the first half.

[1629] And then it found its way out, which was great.

[1630] But mostly my own embarrassment.

[1631] I wasn't necessarily critical of her, but I just felt like I was so controlling.

[1632] Because I could sense what she thought was happening, which was I was going to try to get her to admit something or tell some story.

[1633] She's never done, which I wouldn't try to do.

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] So I was frustrated her guard was up.

[1636] Yeah.

[1637] And then I'm like, what the, like, how could you think I would ambush you?

[1638] So I'm now defensive and then I'm like trying to control this thing.

[1639] Okay.

[1640] To me, it felt like it, there was something so romantic about it.

[1641] I love seeing couples fight well, or hearing in this case, and not that you were fighting, but there was any discord at all, tension, yeah, yeah.

[1642] And there was something so romantic about the ease with which you guys navigated that.

[1643] And I could tell there was frustration, and I could tell that.

[1644] That was clear.

[1645] But at one point, she said to you, you know, I love, you kept checking in.

[1646] Like, I love you.

[1647] I love you.

[1648] And it wasn't a throwaway thing.

[1649] It meant something.

[1650] And I love you even when you're annoying.

[1651] And that's what's great about listening to you guys.

[1652] And there's something so romantic about that.

[1653] No, thank you.

[1654] A couple that can fight well and can navigate.

[1655] I felt like I'd be remissified.

[1656] Thank you.

[1657] Monica and I practice quite often as well on here.

[1658] Oh, really?

[1659] Yeah, it makes people scared when we fight.

[1660] People don't like it when we fight.

[1661] Your mom and dad fight.

[1662] But we find our way back.

[1663] Only if we don't end with, I love you.

[1664] We got a lot.

[1665] That happened one time and we got a lot of comments.

[1666] Oh, interesting.

[1667] We were mad at each other, though.

[1668] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1669] So it wasn't, they were right.

[1670] We've been mad at each other several times.

[1671] But I'd say that that's positive.

[1672] That means I very much care if she's disappointed to me and she cares if I'm disappointed in her.

[1673] Yes.

[1674] So if she's disproving, yeah, I don't, I'm panicked that she must not be understanding what I'm saying correctly.

[1675] And then I'm frustrated because there's no way you would think this about me. I would really knew it.

[1676] Yes.

[1677] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1678] Well, I'm so glad you came in because I really adore you.

[1679] and I always have.

[1680] Thanks.

[1681] Well, I love you, Justin.

[1682] I love you.

[1683] You're so fun and wonderful in your voices.

[1684] Seriously, I really am such a fan of yours and yours together, and I love listening to you guys.

[1685] You've really kept me company.

[1686] I've so appreciated.

[1687] We will do this again soon.

[1688] It'll be great.

[1689] All right.

[1690] Love you, Jesse.

[1691] Yeah.

[1692] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1693] I'm gonna suck Chan's dick down on old town road I'm gonna slurp until I can't no more I'm gonna suck Chan's dick down an old town road I'm gonna slurp until I can't no more you really tried to talk me out of that song you think it's divisive I'm not leaving that yes you are I'm not I also chewed throughout the whole thing because that's okay that'll help distract people from the lyrics.

[1694] No, this is a, no, no, no. Why can't I sing a song about slurping someone's dong?

[1695] No one knows who I'm talking about.

[1696] Yes, they do.

[1697] They'll clearly put two and two together.

[1698] No. Yeah.

[1699] E!

[1700] Start over.

[1701] No. Yes.

[1702] All right, I'm going to suck Mike's dick down on an old town road.

[1703] I'm going to strogue until I can't no more.

[1704] Oh, my.

[1705] Even worse?

[1706] God.

[1707] Well, yeah, because then you added a hand gesture.

[1708] Well, isn't that a hand he is less advanced?

[1709] Who's Mike in that scenario?

[1710] You fill in, like, whatever Mike you want it to be.

[1711] Okay, that's nice.

[1712] Magic Mike?

[1713] What if you're like, no, everyone will know it's magic Mike?

[1714] Mike, it's so obvious you're talking about Chan.

[1715] And everyone knows he lived on Old Town Road.

[1716] Okay.

[1717] I'm here today with a beautiful manicure.

[1718] Oh, yes, and I failed the test.

[1719] Yeah, I asked if you liked it, and you said, no, I hate it.

[1720] No, I said I liked it.

[1721] Yeah, but you didn't know what it was.

[1722] But you know, then you tested me. You said, which side is better or something?

[1723] You held up both hands and I couldn't tell the difference.

[1724] Yeah, I said, can you tell a difference between this and this?

[1725] And you said no. It's basically the Ponzi pit of questions.

[1726] I was doomed to fall into those bamboo spikes.

[1727] Oh.

[1728] You know, little leaves covering up the hole.

[1729] Uh -huh, sure.

[1730] Sure.

[1731] Quick -Sand?

[1732] Yeah.

[1733] You and I, when we were just talking about whether quicksand's real or not?

[1734] Yeah, it was so scary.

[1735] It was such a huge plot point in the 80s.

[1736] Every show, someone got trapped.

[1737] Gilligan's Island, I think the Brady Bunn.

[1738] A lot of cartoons rely on that.

[1739] In my prayers, a section of my prayer is natural disasters or diseases, and included in that was quicksand was quicksand.

[1740] Yeah.

[1741] It was, I guess, it was a pandemic quicksand in the 80s and 90s.

[1742] It got eradicated, I guess.

[1743] Maybe it's one of the few benefits of global warming.

[1744] Maybe it dried up.

[1745] Maybe.

[1746] You don't ever hear that.

[1747] Maybe.

[1748] You never hear the positive side of global warming.

[1749] We're here to bring it to the masses.

[1750] There will be positive parts of it.

[1751] That's what no one wants to talk about.

[1752] Well, it's true.

[1753] Maybe.

[1754] What?

[1755] More rain in California.

[1756] That's one of the outcomes.

[1757] I don't think that's positive at all.

[1758] For the number one food growing state in the country, it's probably good that we have rain.

[1759] Acid rain.

[1760] We're feeding the whole.

[1761] Oh, geez.

[1762] Acid rain.

[1763] I don't think it is.

[1764] I think I used to be afraid of acid rain, too.

[1765] Well, that was another big thing in the 80s and 90s.

[1766] It was ruining the finishes of cars, the clear coat.

[1767] Yeah.

[1768] Car lovers around the world were panicked about it.

[1769] Forget what it was saying about what was in the clouds.

[1770] It was more about just that finish.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] So Justin, he came in here.

[1773] He was here.

[1774] Yeah.

[1775] I missed the beginning of the episode.

[1776] Yeah.

[1777] What were you busy doing?

[1778] Came in late.

[1779] I had a couple auditions.

[1780] Oh, a couple auditions.

[1781] Yeah.

[1782] And he was actually very upset.

[1783] You weren't here when he arrived.

[1784] Well, what's funny is that's all recorded.

[1785] Oh, okay.

[1786] That's great.

[1787] So I went back and I listened, obviously, because I edited this.

[1788] So when I started, I got to hear all that.

[1789] There was some nice stuff.

[1790] But really the only thing I remember.

[1791] remember.

[1792] Uh -oh.

[1793] Because this is how it goes, right?

[1794] Yeah.

[1795] Ten great things and then one.

[1796] Uh -huh.

[1797] And there's not anything he did.

[1798] But you guys were talking about my grandma.

[1799] Oh, uh -huh.

[1800] And then he said in one of the episodes, I said something like, well, I don't look like her.

[1801] And then you were like, but you're very pretty.

[1802] And then he was like laughing and he was like, I don't think you were picking up on, which I don't think that's true.

[1803] I don't think I was trying to get you to say that I looked like her.

[1804] I don't look like her.

[1805] But, and then you said, well, yeah, Monica is gorgeous, but she does not look like her grandma.

[1806] And I don't look like her, but still for some reason, I didn't like that.

[1807] You didn't like it.

[1808] Okay.

[1809] I mean, I didn't not like it.

[1810] It wasn't a. You look just like your grandma.

[1811] No. No, I won't lie to you.

[1812] You don't look like your grandma and you're gorgeous.

[1813] Thank you.

[1814] And you're not as gorgeous as your grandma.

[1815] I'm sorry.

[1816] No woman is.

[1817] I know.

[1818] I just like I don't ever need to hear you say that.

[1819] I know it's the truth.

[1820] Well, but no woman.

[1821] is as gorgeous as your grandma.

[1822] Not a single woman to ever live other than your grandma.

[1823] She's the only 100 % point zero zero.

[1824] She's she's a she's a goddess.

[1825] Sure.

[1826] Yeah.

[1827] It can be true and I also don't need to hear that.

[1828] Right.

[1829] I I understand what you're saying.

[1830] I won't say it again.

[1831] Also if you said my Papa Bob.

[1832] Also you're not as attractive as your grandma.

[1833] No no, no, no, no. If you said my Papa Bob was more handsome than me, I'd be really happy for my Papa Bob.

[1834] Okay.

[1835] Because he's just such a sweetheart.

[1836] Apparently your grandma's a bitch.

[1837] That's what I just learned.

[1838] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[1839] That's what I'm saying.

[1840] Just because you would take it that way doesn't mean that the way I took it is wrong.

[1841] No, no, no. I'm only letting you in on how that, it would never cross my mind that that could be offensive because I'm coming from a place where I would love it if you said Papa Bob was handsome.

[1842] I know.

[1843] Well, I love when you say that about my mom.

[1844] grandma it's only when you get compared yeah that's right i already of course wish i looked just like her we all want to look just like her i want to look just like her i would be the biggest movie star like i've grown up with her as a person a real person yeah yeah i will say this about papa bob much better biceps than me yeah you've talked about that humongous yeah two bowling balls.

[1845] Sure.

[1846] He also had a big fat fucking stomach.

[1847] Yeah, you're probably happy you don't have that.

[1848] Well, no, because he basically has, you know, I always say I wish I had Delta's like three -year -old body.

[1849] Yeah.

[1850] She had a big, taught beer belly.

[1851] Yeah.

[1852] It didn't jiggle.

[1853] It was just this big dome.

[1854] Yeah.

[1855] And then these built shoulders like fucking rip deltoids strong back.

[1856] Yeah.

[1857] She, yeah.

[1858] She looked like she could power lift.

[1859] Like a strong man. Yeah.

[1860] When we dressed her as one in Halloween one year, made her go as a strong man with a little mustache, and she had a little dumbbell.

[1861] She is so special.

[1862] Anywho, Papa Bob had much better biceps.

[1863] He was probably, I'd guess, at his height, he was probably about 280 pounds.

[1864] Never, ever, ever went up from a size 31 -inch waist pants.

[1865] So he had this huge upper body, this big belly, and then this narrow waist.

[1866] Yeah.

[1867] Yeah, it's very unique.

[1868] Yeah.

[1869] And what do you always say?

[1870] rare exclusive exclusive it was a very exclusive build yeah limited edition build speaking of that you said that there's no one in your family who's lived past 40 that was a joke that was a joke and a lie it was a lie joke okay so since his dad remember his dad went to seminary his dad went to become a priest but then he left and then you said there has to have been a movie where a guy gets like lured out by a woman I couldn't really find one one where a guy was in seminary and got pulled out, but there are two pieces of art that people can consume if they like this idea.

[1871] One is called the crime of Padre Amaro.

[1872] It has Gael Garcia Bernal in it.

[1873] Oh, very sexy.

[1874] Very, yes.

[1875] Very sexual.

[1876] It's a lot of sex tinch with him.

[1877] Exudes it.

[1878] So this is about Father Amaro, a young Roman Catholic priest, is a new arrival in a small a Mexican town.

[1879] Assigned to help the old father Benito, Amaro gradually discovers that his elder is not only involved in an affair, but also building a hospital with help from a local drug czar.

[1880] That's a weird plot.

[1881] Struggling with temptation and sin.

[1882] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1883] Wait, I'm not done.

[1884] Struggling with temptation and sin in his own right, Amaro begins a romance with Amelia, a beautiful teen, who dotes on him, but the relationship has dire consequences.

[1885] Wow, this is a murky plot.

[1886] That sure is.

[1887] Like, so the wording was weird there.

[1888] It goes like, he discovers he's having an affair and building a hospital.

[1889] I'm like, well, that's great.

[1890] There's nothing to hide there.

[1891] And then, oh, from drug money.

[1892] Let me say this.

[1893] Uh -oh.

[1894] I want to say this.

[1895] This is a big pet peeve of mine.

[1896] Okay.

[1897] People think they're burning someone when they found out they took money from so -and -so.

[1898] Like, they took money from, you know, there's always left on the right.

[1899] They're always doing this.

[1900] So -and -so took money from so -and -so, and they're very disapproving of the people they got money from.

[1901] Here's my point.

[1902] I would way rather take money from my enemies than my friends.

[1903] I want all my enemies money.

[1904] I want all the drug dealers money.

[1905] Give it all to me. Okay, yes, but then you're tied to them.

[1906] No, that's a separate thing.

[1907] Now, if your accusation is you're in the pocket of the mob...

[1908] That's what it means.

[1909] It doesn't mean that, though.

[1910] I could easily go tell jokes at the new ruler of Saudi Arabia.

[1911] I could be completely, you know, unaligned with his politics.

[1912] Go over there, tell jokes for his birthday party, take his $3 million.

[1913] And he calls me and goes, now I need you to say that you think women shouldn't go to school.

[1914] I'll go, no, thanks.

[1915] Right.

[1916] That is the problem with this.

[1917] Maybe you wouldn't do that, but a lot of people do because they're working together in some way.

[1918] Someone scratched their back and they got to, you know.

[1919] One of the big things was Hillary gave speeches to Wall Street.

[1920] Yes.

[1921] So there was an exchange.

[1922] Come give a speech.

[1923] We'll give you this money.

[1924] It wasn't, we'll give you this money, stay at home, and then we'll call and we want a favor.

[1925] Yeah.

[1926] There's like a clear exchange there.

[1927] I'd give a fucking speech to anybody with money.

[1928] Yeah.

[1929] It just feels hypocritical to people.

[1930] It feels hypocritical, but I would argue it's not.

[1931] Taking money from your adversaries is the smartest move you could make.

[1932] Look, I don't care about any of this, but I get the rationale behind this because then she's going to go if you say anti -corporation.

[1933] How about taking, you're a priest and you take drug money to build a hospital?

[1934] What is the moral dilemma there?

[1935] Take some of that terrible money.

[1936] No, because now they're going to be entrenched in the drug war.

[1937] How?

[1938] The priest, they're not, the drug lords aren't going to advertise.

[1939] Well, this priest took our money, so I think maybe we should be able to deal drugs.

[1940] That's a preposterous notion.

[1941] The drug czar is now in charge of the hospital.

[1942] And then he's going to have things he wants done.

[1943] Like what?

[1944] His illegal drugs.

[1945] I haven't seen the movie.

[1946] I don't know.

[1947] Maybe that's, yeah.

[1948] I think we should take all drug dealers money and use it for good things.

[1949] Okay.

[1950] You said you were curious.

[1951] Is it easier to create memories when you're younger?

[1952] Harvard Health Magazine.

[1953] Love that magazine.

[1954] Harvard Health, I don't know if it's a magazine.

[1955] Scientists used to think, you know, used and used.

[1956] It's tricky.

[1957] I hate it.

[1958] There shouldn't be a past tense of use.

[1959] There should be something like a little pink dot before.

[1960] the you if you're gonna if you need to say it used or used uh -huh you know there should be a pink dot for sure i'm gonna invent that there should be pink dot oh well you're gonna have a trademark issue because pink dot is obviously a food delivery okay it won't be called that scientists used to think that brain connections developed at a rapid pace oh it was like one of these tragedies then you got a case of the giggles.

[1961] Oh, get comfortable.

[1962] Okay, I'm not comfortable.

[1963] Scientists pink dot used to think that brain connections developed at a rapid pace in the first few years of life until you reached your mental peak in your early 20s.

[1964] Your cognitive abilities would level off at around middle age and then start to gradually decline.

[1965] We now know this is not true.

[1966] Instead, scientists now see the brain as continuously changing and developing across the entire lifespan.

[1967] There is no period in life when the brain and its functions just hold steady.

[1968] Some cognitive functions become weaker with age while others actually improve.

[1969] Some brain areas, including the hippocampus memory, shrink in size.

[1970] The myelin sheath.

[1971] You love the myelin sheath.

[1972] Well, that's what I mass attacks.

[1973] That surrounds and protects nerve fibers, wears down which can slow the speed of communication between neurons.

[1974] Some of the receptors on the surface of neurons that enable them to communicate with one another may not function as well as they once did.

[1975] These changes can affect your ability to encode new information into your memory and retrieve information that's already in storage.

[1976] On the other hand, the branching of the dendrites increases and connections between distant brain areas strengthen.

[1977] These changes enable the aging brain to become better at detecting relationships between diverse sources of information, capturing the big picture and understanding the global implications of specific issues.

[1978] Perhaps this is the foundation of wisdom.

[1979] It is as if with age your brain becomes better at seeing the entire force and worse at seeing the leaves.

[1980] Oh, your neural network improves, huh?

[1981] That's cool.

[1982] So I could have some increased cognitive abilities yet ahead of me. I assumed I was on my decline already.

[1983] Yeah, you'll have some wisdom.

[1984] Okay.

[1985] And speaking of because you said Mylan Sheath and you said that affects MS.

[1986] Right.

[1987] So you said Michael J. Fox has MS.

[1988] He has Parkinson's.

[1989] Okay.

[1990] So that's what he has.

[1991] Okay, great.

[1992] Sorry, Michael J. Fox.

[1993] Do you think Jay is for Jackson?

[1994] Michael Jackson, Vincent Fox, President Vincenti Fox.

[1995] Michael J. Fox.

[1996] I'm sorry that I thought it was MS and it's Parkinson's.

[1997] You don't have to be sad about it.

[1998] Well, I'm regretful and I'm mourning my mistake.

[1999] His middle name's Andrew.

[2000] That makes zero sense.

[2001] Wow, but Bob's just making stuff up now on here.

[2002] That's not true.

[2003] Michael Andrew Fox, known professionally as Michael J. Fox.

[2004] You know, maybe because Michael Andrew Fox was already in the union.

[2005] Well, certainly Michael Fox was.

[2006] So then he had to add a letter, and then there was probably a Michael A. Fox.

[2007] So then he went with Jackson.

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] Okay.

[2010] How big does the Bible say Noah's Ark is?

[2011] Accordingly, Noah's instruction.

[2012] are given to him by God.

[2013] The arc is to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.

[2014] Oh, what's a cubits?

[2015] I guess it means.

[2016] Cubits zirconian.

[2017] Cubits means whatever you want it to mean.

[2018] So how.

[2019] Yes, it does.

[2020] No, it has to be a real one.

[2021] That's why all those animals fit on that arc. No, but listen, a cubits has.

[2022] It means infinite space.

[2023] No, no, no, no. A cubits must have a, originally have some kind of real dimension to it.

[2024] One foot six inches?

[2025] Times infinity.

[2026] Okay, so only 300 of those.

[2027] Yeah, probably not going to fit a blue whale on there.

[2028] Although you don't have to put a blue whale on there if it's raining.

[2029] It's not fair to say he had to save the blue whales.

[2030] I think they still had to come on the boat.

[2031] No, anything that was living in the water would just continue to live during the flood.

[2032] He wouldn't have to get all the fish out of the boat.

[2033] Oh, that's true.

[2034] That's true.

[2035] Yeah.

[2036] Well, I don't think they could really last a flood.

[2037] No, the bigger issue is like mammoth sloths in North America.

[2038] Did he sail over here and get those and then bury the bone?

[2039] It's very good.

[2040] They postmates to them.

[2041] Oh, that makes sense.

[2042] Okay, so the story about Steve Buscemi getting stabbed.

[2043] Oh.

[2044] I didn't get that much info.

[2045] But actor Steve Buscemi and Vince Vaughn and screenwriter, Scott Rosenberg, were involved in a bar brawl last Thursday.

[2046] Not last Thursday.

[2047] This is old info, yeah.

[2048] That resulted in four arrests and nearly killed Fargo star Bouchemi.

[2049] The Hollywood Trio are currently filming the appellied named again, not currently.

[2050] Domestic disturbance in Wilmington, North Carolina.

[2051] Two local men allegedly picked a fight with the filmmakers when one of their girlfriends began talking to Swinger star Vaugh.

[2052] Yeah, this is what happens when I told you.

[2053] Too charismatic.

[2054] It gets you into trouble.

[2055] A scuffle outside the bar is reported to have taken place at 2 a .m. The police on patrol broke it up, but not before Bouchemi had been stabbed above the eye and in the jaw throat and arm.

[2056] Oh, my gosh.

[2057] Throat and arm.

[2058] He was taken to hospital.

[2059] Vince was maced, according to reports.

[2060] Timothy Fowardy, 21, was arrested in charge with assault with a deadly weapon for the Bouchemy Knifing.

[2061] Another local man, 20 -year -old Kenneth Ferguson, was also arrested.

[2062] Yikes.

[2063] Eish.

[2064] Well, they did not roll out the welcome mat for them in Wilmington.

[2065] No, they did.

[2066] And I doubt they'll be returning to the first in flight state.

[2067] Probably not.

[2068] Yeah.

[2069] First in Fight.

[2070] What's the Coldplay song?

[2071] Viva LaVita.

[2072] Hmm.

[2073] Yeah.

[2074] That's all.

[2075] That's it?

[2076] Yeah, there weren't that many.

[2077] Oh.

[2078] It was a very, in the best way, story -heavy episode.

[2079] Oh, those are the best kind of thing.

[2080] Oh, so fun.

[2081] Memory roads.

[2082] Memory roads you haven't even ever been down, but they're great.

[2083] Oh, they're still great roads.

[2084] They're beautiful roads.

[2085] I'm going to slurp my stick down on old town roads.

[2086] I'm going to stroke until I can't know more.

[2087] And so I'm bored of singing the real words, so I'm changing them.

[2088] I'm changing the world.

[2089] I have to do a certain face to talk like this, and it would make you puke.

[2090] It would make you puke on your shirt.

[2091] I can see a little bit of your eyes and they're closed.

[2092] I got to close them.

[2093] Or I can't do this voice.

[2094] Wow.

[2095] Yeah.

[2096] Oh, you're back.

[2097] I'm back.

[2098] I guess I was always designed to be on radio because I couldn't do that character in a movie.

[2099] My eyes would be closed the whole time.

[2100] That's true.

[2101] Very true.

[2102] You found your place in the world.

[2103] I did.

[2104] It was a circuitous route here.

[2105] Wow.

[2106] All right.

[2107] Well, good night and I love you and thank you, Justin Long.

[2108] Thank you, Justin.

[2109] Listen to Justin's pod.

[2110] Yeah, listen to his pod for a long time, but life is short.

[2111] So, you know, listen to it for a long time, but in a short life.

[2112] Is that what it's called?

[2113] It's called Life is Short with Justin Long.

[2114] Right.

[2115] There's a wordplay there, short and long.

[2116] I love a wordplay.

[2117] Me too.

[2118] All right.

[2119] Bye.

[2120] Bye.

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