Nicole Byer

[0] My name is Nicole Beyer.

[1] And I feel...

[2] Hey, that was nice.

[3] I couldn't think of another word.

[4] Think the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[5] I can tell that we aren't going to be friends, me friends.

[6] Hey, there, it's Conan O 'Brien, once again, assuming you've listened to one of these before.

[7] If not, I have no idea where you've been.

[8] But let's put that aside.

[9] Why start on a resentful note for no reason.

[10] Welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[11] You can see now why I don't have a lot of them.

[12] This is the show where I use the podcast format in a devious way to find out if I can make friends, find out why people aren't better friends with me. Basically just use this to my own selfish purposes.

[13] And it's really fun.

[14] I'm having a blast.

[15] I'm helped as always.

[16] by my assistant, Sona Movesessie.

[17] And hello, Sona.

[18] Hey, Cones.

[19] Let's go easy on that, shall we?

[20] I'm sorry, that felt really awkward.

[21] Yeah, it was awful.

[22] It was terrible.

[23] I'm sorry.

[24] Please, are you ever gonna go, but you never called me Mr. O 'Brien, did you?

[25] No, I call your dad, doctor, O 'Brien.

[26] Yes, well, he is a doctor.

[27] And I call my mother Admiral O 'Brien just for fun.

[28] But yes, yes.

[29] No. Even when we first met, you didn't call me 10 years.

[30] You've been with me 10 years.

[31] Yes.

[32] The time we first met, I remember it very clearly.

[33] You didn't call me Mr. O 'Brien.

[34] No. You were probably like, yo, dude, right?

[35] At our interview.

[36] No, I think that when we first started working, there was a lot of professionalism between the two of us.

[37] For how long?

[38] I would say three months.

[39] And then you heard me speaking to my grandma on the phone.

[40] And then you said, what was that?

[41] It sounded like you were arguing with Dracula.

[42] Well, because you were speaking Armenian and I didn't even know you could speak Armenian.

[43] Yeah.

[44] And so to my untrained ear, I thought you were arguing.

[45] doing with a vampire.

[46] Oh, okay, that's what it was.

[47] That's all.

[48] That wasn't culturally insensitive.

[49] Hey, that was an interesting language you were speaking.

[50] What was that?

[51] I thought that Dracula was mad at you for not bringing his native soil to this country so he could sleep.

[52] And that you were straightening out the problem.

[53] We're also joined by Matt Goreley, who's an expert on everything I'm finding out.

[54] Probably an expert on Dracula.

[55] Did you know that he has to sleep in his native soil?

[56] I did.

[57] Bram Stoker wrote that book in journals, in the form of journals.

[58] God, it's, you know what?

[59] I said to, um, Gorley, just a few minutes ago, before we started recording, could you do me a favor?

[60] When I know about something, can you not then reveal that you know more?

[61] It was kidding, but you do have an incredible amount of knowledge, and every time I think, I've got this one, I know a lot about Ulysses S. Grant's second term, I know a lot about the teapot dome scandal.

[62] Gorely sits there like a cat that ate the canary and just licking his lips, And then you lean in and go, I actually own Grant's corpse.

[63] I bought it at auction.

[64] I'm like, what?

[65] But I don't do this to one -up you.

[66] I do this to augment and have a conversation and build a relationship.

[67] There's no augment.

[68] There's no augment.

[69] There's only one -up in my world.

[70] You know, you didn't augment.

[71] You won -up.

[72] You made me look like a fool.

[73] I'm sorry.

[74] In front of my loyal podcast listeners.

[75] Well, who are probably wondering why it's taking me so long to start today's show.

[76] Let's get to it, Cones.

[77] I hate that nickname.

[78] Well, today I'm very excited because we're going to talk to someone I really, really love, and I enjoy her comedy so much.

[79] And I will say this, I do think she's the opposite of me in so many ways.

[80] And that's one of the reasons I like her so much.

[81] She's the anti -Konan, and I love her for that.

[82] Nicole Beyer is here.

[83] Nicole.

[84] I think we have good chemistry whenever you're on my show and this is one of the reasons I really wanted to talk to you on the podcast every time uniformly people are like oh my God get Nicole by her back it's so funny when you two are together because we I don't know how to put it we have like a good yin yang kind of thing going on you're a very good straight man to my whackadoodleness I didn't know yes it is whackas I did look it up in Webster's and it is whackadoodleness yes yes but you know what What is fun is you, you know, we all make a caricature a little bit out of our real selves for comedy.

[85] But the truth is, I am, when you peel away all the layers, I am a repressed person.

[86] And I am uptight.

[87] And I grew up in a world where nobody talked about sex.

[88] And so when I'm with you and you come out and you're this force of nature and you are the complete opposite, people love You're hilarious So they love laughing And all the things you're saying And then I think there are laughs They just cut to me And I look queasy It's perfect It's very funny and very perfect And it's based somewhat In reality Yeah The way our interviews come across Is the way My life with my sister is I say a lot of wild things And she's like Please stop My sister's very tiny and quiet And does it like sexual things.

[89] Please stop it.

[90] So you, and you, that probably makes you go further.

[91] Oh, it makes me so happy to say awful things to her.

[92] Because I just love her face when she's like, oh, why?

[93] Yeah.

[94] Why?

[95] Why did you?

[96] Why would you say that?

[97] Like, I love screaming at her in public places because she's like, no, no, I don't want this.

[98] It's just very funny.

[99] Is she your younger sister?

[100] No, she's older.

[101] So she was alive for a while, and then I came to torment her.

[102] Yeah, yeah.

[103] She had some time on earth, a brief time where she was at peace.

[104] Yeah, she had a year and a half of being like, oh, okay, this is how the world works.

[105] And then I was born and was like, fuck that, you dumpster.

[106] I'm kidding.

[107] She's not a dumpster.

[108] She's perfect and wonderful.

[109] She's perfect in every way, yet she has to feel pain.

[110] Yes.

[111] That's the other thing, too, that I can, this is where we're similar I can relate to.

[112] I love the people I torment.

[113] I think that is a misunderstanding.

[114] I mean, I torment my assistant sona.

[115] I do love Sona.

[116] I really care about Sona.

[117] but it's too much I can't stop and my dad called me when I was five years old he said his nickname for me was T's Man because I would just go around the house and I would try and get to different people in the house and I love my brothers and sisters but I was I realized I had professional level abilities at a young age and I needed to use them and sharpen them.

[118] It's fun to watch how something you do can affect somebody and it's not in a negative way because at the end of the day, they know that it's out of love.

[119] Yeah.

[120] Like, my sister knows I love her and I'm not trying to actually hurt her feelings, but it's just very funny to watch the levels of her getting annoyed.

[121] Like, my dad's dead, but when he was alive, I would park my car at the end of the driveway so he could get his car out.

[122] So I had parked my car, he'd be in the garage and I'd run to him in slow motion screaming, papa, papa, and you know, he always go, why?

[123] Why are you doing this?

[124] Why?

[125] Please, why?

[126] And I was just so funny.

[127] It's just funny that you can make people react in a, not a way that you, know they're going to react but like just getting a reaction out of someone is fun i my mom is uh this you know is as a terrific mom and was always a great mom and she's still with us and and she's uh but but when we were growing up she would have company over and very loving mom but i realized that i could make people who were visiting think that she was an overly strict disciplinarian by the way i reacted to her so i'd come into the the room, and my mom would say, oh, Conan, could you go get the lemon wafers so we can have with our tea?

[128] And I would, I would, I would bow my head and I'd go, yes, him, yes, him, I'll do it directly.

[129] I'll do it directly.

[130] And I'd scurry out.

[131] And she would, everyone would look at my mom, like, what have you done to him?

[132] That's so funny.

[133] And then I would come back in the room and go, here are the cookies.

[134] Is there anything else?

[135] And she'd be like, no, Conan, it's fine.

[136] Maybe you could get us the spoons and be like, yes, yes, yes, directly.

[137] I kept saying, yes, directly.

[138] Directly is very funny.

[139] Yes, yes, directly.

[140] Directly, I think I was eight.

[141] And I just realized that, yeah, I can fuck with my mom this way and make her look bad in front of her friends.

[142] Like, why?

[143] I love my mom.

[144] I don't know why I was doing that.

[145] Because it's funny.

[146] Yes, it was so funny.

[147] Like, you leave the room and you're like, what was that conversation she had with her friends?

[148] Yes.

[149] Do they all look at each other awkwardly?

[150] Or are they like, what are you doing to Lil Kohn?

[151] Yes.

[152] Why does he directly have to get the spoons?

[153] I'll do it directly.

[154] I'll do it.

[155] And a lot of head nodding and a lot of me shaking a little bit like, yes, I'm, yes, him, I'll take care of it.

[156] But, okay, let's get to the crux of the matter here, which is, it's something that I both envy about you and admire about you.

[157] And, of course, I find it horrifying while it's happening, is that you are so open about your sex life, your sexual desires, your sex.

[158] your sexual needs as they were, and even the way that I'm describing it in a very clinical way.

[159] It's very funny.

[160] But let's get into that.

[161] You'll come out on the show and you'll say...

[162] Yes, during the pre -interview, I think of the second time I was on the show.

[163] I cannot remember the producer's name, but he was like...

[164] I fire them regularly.

[165] Oh, well, perfect.

[166] Just for fun.

[167] Some little idiot who no longer has a job was like, what are you looking for in a man?

[168] And I was like, a big dick.

[169] And he was like, are you going to actually say that.

[170] I was like, well, can I?

[171] And he was like, say whatever you want.

[172] I was like, great.

[173] Yeah, you came out on the show, and I said, so what are you looking for in a man?

[174] And you said, a big dick.

[175] And if you look, if you look at the, then they cut to me, and you can actually see my soul leave my body and go up to heaven.

[176] My soul, I just leave.

[177] I leave my body and I go up to heaven to go be with my grandparents.

[178] It's a perfect reaction.

[179] I want to be with my grandparents.

[180] You're like, this lady killed me. Yeah.

[181] And then my grandparents are like, Oh, is that about a big dick?

[182] And I'm like, I got to go back down.

[183] So then I came back down to Earth and got back on my body.

[184] But first of all, let's address that because I've always been assured, assured by women that the penis size is irrelevant.

[185] No. Well, okay.

[186] Sometimes the penis size is irrelevant, but some people are size queens.

[187] I like a big dick.

[188] But also, I could do like a bigger than average dick.

[189] So not like a huge one, but like bigger than average.

[190] So what are we talking about there specifically?

[191] Well, I've never really held a ruler to anybody.

[192] But what if one had held a ruler to oneself?

[193] Then one might be able to judge by the numbers you give.

[194] Six is average, I think.

[195] Is it?

[196] I think.

[197] Oh, gross.

[198] I think.

[199] Okay.

[200] So seven's above average.

[201] Am I perspiring?

[202] No. No, you look dry as a cucumber.

[203] That's a saying, right?

[204] I don't believe it is.

[205] Dry as a cucumber.

[206] Wow, cucumber, what an interesting image.

[207] Also, you're pushing this paper further and further away from you.

[208] Yeah, I'm trying to get away from you now.

[209] Is it just a dick all over it?

[210] Listen, listen to me. I can't have it near me. Listen to me. So, yeah, I mean, I've often heard, you know, three is plenty.

[211] What?

[212] Where'd you go?

[213] She just left the room, ladies a gentleman.

[214] Nine.

[215] Three.

[216] And I've seen small ones.

[217] Oh, you have.

[218] And what do you tell?

[219] First of all, I'm going to assure everyone listening.

[220] I'm playing a part here, having a little bit of fun.

[221] But, man, I'm in good shape that way.

[222] The opponent's now fidgeting.

[223] He pulled his phone out.

[224] I just realized that the phone was on, and I'm getting a text from my doctor.

[225] And, hey, four.

[226] He says four inches.

[227] Oh, okay.

[228] So there we go.

[229] Four inches is okay.

[230] Yeah, I had that check with my doctor recently.

[231] No, but, okay, I want to ask you this.

[232] Okay, when you were with a man, and then he did the wallah moment, and it was not what you were hoping for.

[233] The wallah moment.

[234] Well, I'm imagining he was holding a magician's red blanket over it, and then whipped it aside.

[235] And he didn't say abracadabber.

[236] He said, voila.

[237] He said, voila.

[238] He said, voila.

[239] And there you say, you.

[240] saw less than what you wanted.

[241] What do you say in that moment?

[242] Oh my!

[243] And he went, oh, yeah.

[244] And I was like, hmm, I'm confused.

[245] Okay, so it almost was going into his body practically.

[246] Not like going in, but I guess it was like two, two little inches.

[247] Oh, my God.

[248] It was very tiny.

[249] Yeah.

[250] And I didn't have time to be like, I don't want that.

[251] So I fucked him anyway because that's what women do.

[252] We are kind, gentle people who won't insult you to your.

[253] your face, but you know.

[254] Sona, do you want to pipe up here?

[255] Do I?

[256] I don't know if I do.

[257] Oh, you don't?

[258] Maybe.

[259] You know, you mean when you're in it too far in to actually be like, I do want to, yes.

[260] Yeah.

[261] My mom will never listen to this.

[262] No, no. Let's rest of short.

[263] My parents will never hear this because they don't understand how a podcast works.

[264] Oh, perfect.

[265] And my dad keeps saying, we're looking forward to seeing that.

[266] And I keep saying, no, it's on.

[267] And he's like, is it on the radio?

[268] And I'm like, not really, you need a computer.

[269] So it's quite clear they're never going to hear it.

[270] And Sona, your people, I don't, they don't have a radio or a computer.

[271] Yeah, your people have no technology.

[272] My people.

[273] No, no, they have technology.

[274] They meant your family.

[275] They're, oh, that's what you meant.

[276] Yeah, not the Armenian people or, I love the Armenian people.

[277] That's less offensive.

[278] You just mean my family's just meant your family.

[279] Oh, okay, yeah.

[280] No, no, they have technology.

[281] But no, I get what Nicole's saying, and yes, she's right.

[282] When you're in too far, you can't just abort suddenly.

[283] you can't say wait a minute that just doesn't measure up I'm out of here and jump out a window yeah because it was my house that'd be great if you jumped out the window of your own house and ran away the house is yours you can have it the lease is in the desk um okay I don't know yeah I do I would love a big dick and a man with a couch for me to sit on so we can just cuddle I want that too So it's not all about the dick No I'm so sorry You need a couch Yeah Just a cat So the couch would be just I thought you meant I need a couch too Where he will rest the dick No no Yes A giant couch Yes I want him to have such a big dick That he has to rest it on a couch And then I get to limbo under it Before we fuck Okay Limbo under the right Oh now that made you so upset No no no no I'm just I'm doing the math in my head head.

[284] This will never air.

[285] This will be sent out in his transcript form.

[286] You'll have to get it in a brown envelope in the mail.

[287] But you know what, okay, you know, penises or I think you refer to them as a dix aside.

[288] Sona, stop your cackling.

[289] You're so uncomfortable.

[290] This is my favorite thing.

[291] All of that aside, what I applaud is women saying what they want.

[292] I'm just making up for lost time.

[293] I used to work a stand -up show in New York where it was mostly just men and they would talk a lot about women's bodies and I was waitressing during it and I was like, this sucks.

[294] I hate this.

[295] So I guess it's my way of being like, I don't know.

[296] That's great.

[297] That's great.

[298] I love that.

[299] So let's talk about that.

[300] You know who hates it?

[301] Men on Reddit.

[302] There are so many Reddit threads about how awful I am.

[303] They're like, I can't believe you You won't stop talking about dicks.

[304] And I'm like, I don't know, men talk about titties all the time.

[305] Yes, they do.

[306] And that's fascinating to me because I didn't realize.

[307] So you're working, waitressing in stand -up clubs, and you're watching guy after guy after guy go up and do material about women's bodies.

[308] And then you're saying, all right, if that's how we're going to play it.

[309] Yeah, why can't I?

[310] Right, right.

[311] I love that.

[312] Also, I genuinely love dicks.

[313] So, like, why not talk about the things you love?

[314] I was just going to say it, you love the dick.

[315] I do.

[316] Okay, let's talk about something else.

[317] Okay, let's talk about...

[318] Pussy.

[319] All right.

[320] You were married once.

[321] Yes.

[322] Okay.

[323] But it wasn't a situation.

[324] It was an unusual situation, wasn't it?

[325] Yeah, I got like 30 grand in debt in a year because people just kept giving me credit cards.

[326] And I kept spending and spending.

[327] I had nothing to show for it except for a lot of drunken nights.

[328] and then I was trying to figure out how to like pay it off without because like if you pay the minimum you're never going to pay off your credit card bill so then I was like I just like got the idea I don't know if I saw it online or something but I was like ooh green card marriages if I marry someone he pays me I pay off my debt and easy breezy don't have to tell my dad so then I got married and then Who did you marry?

[329] Who was it that you got married to?

[330] To a nice small Indian man I won't say his name Okay So I I, the way I met him is so stupid.

[331] So my roommate at the time also got married for money.

[332] And she and her friend were at a gas station in Queens, met this man. And he jokingly said, I would love to marry someone so I could stay here.

[333] And they were like, we got a girl for you.

[334] So then my roommate and her friend who I call Pikachu, picked me up in a PT cruiser.

[335] So like the whole story's stupid.

[336] Yeah, but you gave me a lot of information where I can actually track these people down.

[337] Pikachu and PT Cruiser.

[338] That's not a popular car, and that's not a common name.

[339] No. So I'm already, I'm writing all this down for the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, for the police report.

[340] The police report, yeah.

[341] Uh, so then they took me to this gas station.

[342] I met him and then we like got along and then I hung out with him another time.

[343] Then I hung out with him another time.

[344] And then we decided to get married.

[345] We got married at a courthouse in Queens.

[346] So there was no romantic relationship.

[347] No. Then I had like, my mail sent to his place, but like make appearances there.

[348] And then my dad passed away.

[349] And then I told him I needed some time in between our interviews.

[350] and then when I tried to contact him again he just never returned my phone calls and then I was like I can't stay married so in the state of New Jersey you can serve your husband divorce papers and all you need to do is to serve them and you are granted a divorce so yeah my sister drove me to the freehold courthouse early in the morning and I was granted a divorce so did that he then this gentleman have to leave the United States I don't know he literally never contacted me again Wow.

[351] This is an interesting case if anyone wants to look into it.

[352] Did you, were you scared at all about people, I mean, the law getting in touch with you and saying...

[353] No. I kind of just live.

[354] You just live?

[355] I just live and if things happen, they happen.

[356] Oh, my God.

[357] Yeah, I was a reckless youth.

[358] You really are the opposite of me in every way because all I do is think about consequences.

[359] I've never lived...

[360] Sona, have I ever really lived?

[361] I, you mean, have you lived?

[362] Have I really lived?

[363] No, no. He's never really lived.

[364] I think, I worry, I try to live up to certain standards.

[365] But you're very successful.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Yeah, I mean, there are many ways to be successful.

[368] I think there are, my journey, I have a long way to go on my journey.

[369] I think there are a lot of ways where I could chillax a little bit.

[370] Sona, is that the correct?

[371] He's been a good boy, his whole life.

[372] I've been a good boy, my whole life.

[373] I've been a good boy.

[374] I think at my age, after the career I've had, it's time to completely fall apart.

[375] Yeah, go to Amsterdam, get a hooker, take some mushrooms, and fuck.

[376] Now, will you speak to my wife about this?

[377] Because I do love my wife.

[378] Bring her with you.

[379] She doesn't like to travel like that.

[380] And also, I think she'll be against several parts of what you just said.

[381] Okay.

[382] I think she, the only part she'd be okay with is the mushrooms, if they were regular mushrooms on top of like a pasta.

[383] Okay.

[384] Not hallucinogenic mushrooms.

[385] All right, fair.

[386] She'd want them sauteed with garlic in a butter sauce, but she would be against, very much against everything else.

[387] And also, Sona will tell you this.

[388] If I did anything like that, I would just weep with regret.

[389] Cry.

[390] I would cry.

[391] You know, that's the joke Sona has with me, is that if I ever, you know, she would be like, oh, no, no, no, no. If you ever even thought about straying from your marriage, you'd just start crying.

[392] And that's true.

[393] Well, it's not straying if you bring her with you.

[394] That is exploring.

[395] Mm -hmm.

[396] Okay.

[397] I mean, you don't have to.

[398] Wait, you have kids too, right?

[399] I have two children, yeah.

[400] Oh, so you've like a whole life.

[401] I do.

[402] That's nice.

[403] And I'm very, all joking aside, I'm very happy with my life.

[404] It's just I don't think I need to go to the Amsterdam, you know, sexual romp that you described.

[405] I don't have to necessarily do that.

[406] You could go to Joshua Tree, take, what is it, ayahuasca with a shaman, and let him guide your spiritual journey as you wear like a little, I don't know, like a loincloth.

[407] I don't know.

[408] You poop a lot.

[409] What?

[410] When you do ayahuasca, you poop a lot.

[411] Oh, really?

[412] And you vomit all, like, for hours.

[413] Yeah, I never saw the appeal of ayahuasca.

[414] Unsubscribe, I didn't know that.

[415] Every time I've looked into it, people say, I love how Sona's right in there with the pooping.

[416] She's like, oh, let me weigh in on this.

[417] Have you done it, Sona?

[418] I've never done it.

[419] I know a lot of people who have.

[420] Okay.

[421] Yeah, it's a lot of vomiting.

[422] Apparently there's a lot of vomiting and there's a lot of, well, defecating, I think, is the scientific term.

[423] Pooping, shitting.

[424] Okay.

[425] I'm like the librarian and Van Halen's come into the library.

[426] And they're performing live and I'm running around.

[427] And shutting doors and David Lee Roth because it's the David Lee Roth Van Halen that I'm imagining.

[428] And I'm like, please, please.

[429] The library's closing.

[430] I don't think I know a Van Halen song because I'm very young and black.

[431] What, can you hum one for me?

[432] I probably can't because then we'd have to pay for it.

[433] Ah, okay, go for it.

[434] Really?

[435] Panama.

[436] Panama She's got to see my machine Oh boy I wish there was a camera in here Three older white gentlemen Are really feeling their lives I drop my pencil Listen I've never heard that song One day in my life Nicole please Don't tell me Don't try to pretend That 80s Van Halen Isn't huge In the African American community I don't think so Excuse me I beg to differ But the Sammy Hagar version is, right?

[437] Sammy Hagar, who would that be?

[438] I think.

[439] Who is Sammy Hagar?

[440] Nicole, can I just tell you that there are so many, so many black people listening to you right now were embarrassed for you, because they're all really into the Van Halen of the 80s.

[441] Good Lord, I'm letting my people down.

[442] You are really letting your people down.

[443] Oh, fuck.

[444] You were going to be ostracized from your community.

[445] Oh, no. Yeah, exactly.

[446] But who is Sammy Hagar?

[447] He was a guy.

[448] See, now we're explaining to you the replacement singer for a band you don't give a shit about so what's the point?

[449] All right.

[450] I don't know.

[451] Maybe I'll go home and listen to the Halens.

[452] The Van Halen.

[453] No, no, no. You shouldn't.

[454] I mean, they have an amazing guitarist, really just superb guitarist and Eddie Van Halen and nothing but respect for him.

[455] But no, I don't think it's going to change your life.

[456] I don't think it's for you.

[457] Okay.

[458] What music are you listening to?

[459] What do I listen to?

[460] I mean, I listen to a lot of Cardi B right now.

[461] Oh, yeah.

[462] A lot of, like, SoundCloud rappers.

[463] Sure.

[464] I like silly music with, like, silly lyrics.

[465] Right.

[466] So you like silly, do you like rap that's not taking itself too seriously?

[467] What about the boasting rap about sexual conquest and you're cool with that?

[468] Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

[469] My favorite right now is a little pomp because he's very silly.

[470] He just truly brags about, like, what he has and that he went to Harvard, even though he didn't go to Harvard.

[471] And that's very funny to me to have a bit in your rap career about going to Harvard.

[472] Wait a minute.

[473] He has a bit about going to Harvard.

[474] Yeah, he's like, I dropped out of Harvard.

[475] And it's like he'd never get to Harvard.

[476] I just love.

[477] It's so funny.

[478] That of all of the bragging that's done, you know what I mean?

[479] Of all the bragging gets done in rap, I've never heard someone brag about their Ivy League credentials.

[480] Yep.

[481] He'll take pictures next to the Harvard.

[482] Crest when he's like in Boston I guess that's where Harvard is.

[483] Yeah, but he's never been, it's so funny to me. That's so cool.

[484] I would feel that would nothing would damage your rap reputation more than people knowing that you would even gone through that application process and hung out with a bunch of nerds, you know?

[485] Oh, I also listened to a lot of Celine Dion.

[486] Oh, do you like Celine Dion?

[487] I love Celine Dion.

[488] I've seen her in concert.

[489] She's great.

[490] Oh, I love her.

[491] She does a mini monologue, a loose ten in between each song.

[492] I love her She has jokes and stuff I mean She talks But a lot of it's just like This is what I was feeling today You will have to listen Because you bought a ticket I'm Celine Dion She said that a couple of times I'm Celine Dion She says I'm Celine Dion It's like bitch we know It's on the ticket I gotta start doing that I've got to start saying I'm Conan O 'Brien Yeah why not It's probably something I will be doing When I have dementia They'll have that Like on a card in my room Hi I'm Conan O 'Brien Ryan.

[493] You did well.

[494] Here's your pudding.

[495] You'll come visit me, won't you?

[496] In the hospital?

[497] Yeah.

[498] When I lose my mind.

[499] To make you change your will, yes.

[500] Wait, do you know what's in his will?

[501] I don't.

[502] But whatever it is, when you have dementia, I'll just bring it over to you and have you change a few things.

[503] How do you know that?

[504] I'll never leave you.

[505] Oh, that's very sweet.

[506] She really won't.

[507] We're besties.

[508] We're besties, right?

[509] We're pals.

[510] I said besties.

[511] know.

[512] Oh, God.

[513] Oh, no. I've often found whenever I do something ridiculous, there's always someone who takes it very seriously and says, Conan just admitted to murder on stage.

[514] I must call the police.

[515] Yeah, I think people are confused about jokes and sarcasm now.

[516] Yeah.

[517] I think everyone takes everything literally.

[518] And it's like, no, a lot of it's just a joke.

[519] Right.

[520] It's getting, it's getting interesting out there right now.

[521] We're going through a big change right now.

[522] But a weird thing is I feel like people are getting sensitive about you for you.

[523] Like I have, I did a bunch of fat jokes on my special.

[524] And when I was working them out, anytime I told one, people would just go, oh.

[525] I know.

[526] Oh, you're not fat.

[527] You're beautiful.

[528] I'm like, well, no, I am.

[529] I could be both, but I am fat.

[530] You can't negate that.

[531] What are you going to say?

[532] I'm not black?

[533] Like, there are just things that are true.

[534] And then I had to figure out jokes to be like, here's a joke about it being okay that I'm going to talk about being fat.

[535] which is just it feels like an extra fat that I didn't need to do, like maybe 10, 15 years ago.

[536] But I feel like everyone now is so sensitive that you kind of have to do that.

[537] But then I don't want to say that everyone is so sensitive because it is good that we are sensitive.

[538] No, but I think you should be allowed to talk about yourself.

[539] I have had the situation.

[540] I can relate to there have been self -deprecating my whole life.

[541] And I come by it honestly because I grew up with low self -esteem and a lot of anxiety.

[542] And then gradually overcame a lot of that, but that's a real part of my comedy.

[543] And then there are nights where I go out and I make jokes about myself.

[544] And the crowd does it.

[545] They go like, no. No, you're not a nerd or no, you're not.

[546] And I think, well, I'm, oh, I like myself.

[547] I really do.

[548] I do like myself at the end of the day.

[549] But this was just, you know, I was just trying to make a joke.

[550] Yeah, it's weird that people think that I want to get on stage and have people go, well, I feel for you.

[551] It's like, no, no, no. I invited you to this dark room to ha, ha, ha.

[552] Right.

[553] I actually find it refreshing that no matter how long you do this for and who you are and how much name recognition you have, the thing about comedy is that if you do it for long enough and you're out there, I don't care who you are.

[554] You're going to find yourself in a situation where some of your stuff isn't clicking.

[555] And it's one of the reasons I really envy musicians because, a musician can go out.

[556] Let's say, just pick anybody, but just pick any musician.

[557] Beyonce.

[558] Let's say Beyonce.

[559] Beyonce can go out and I can't imagine Beyonce having a bad experience on stage.

[560] Now, she can go backstage and say, I didn't like the sound.

[561] It didn't sound right to me. I didn't like the mix.

[562] The lighting was in at the right place.

[563] So she can be unhappy for different reasons.

[564] I didn't like, you know, this dancer was a little off.

[565] But nobody, nobody is going, listens to a famous musician and says, I like this, but this part of the song, they really lost me there, but then they got me back.

[566] Comedians are judged moment to moment to moment to moment, and it doesn't matter what level you get to.

[567] It's what have you got today.

[568] And also, you have to continuously put out new material.

[569] Nobody wants to come see you.

[570] If they've watched your specialty, don't want the same jokes.

[571] With a musician, you can play the same song for the rest of your life if people are happy.

[572] People are delighted.

[573] Exactly.

[574] You can go out there.

[575] There's no, I don't see why they'd be nervous beforehand.

[576] Because is Beyonce really backstage singing, you know, thinking, oh, I'm, I wonder if they're going to like crazy in love tonight.

[577] Are they going to like it tonight or are they going to sort of start booing halfway through?

[578] No. She's not worried about that.

[579] No, not at all.

[580] She's like, they're going to love this new arrangement because I was bored of how it was.

[581] Yeah.

[582] I mean, she could just say the words quietly and people would go there.

[583] And we'd all be like, this is fun.

[584] me?

[585] Yeah.

[586] Let's talk about that.

[587] You bring up an interesting thing, which is happening now.

[588] There's so many outlets.

[589] That's the good news for stand -up.

[590] The bad news is that you can spend a year, maybe a year and a half, working out an hour that you really like, and then you do it for Netflix or you do it for somebody, do it for HBO, you do it for someone, bang, they did it, and then it's what else you got.

[591] Yeah, then you have to start at zero and work yourself back up to the hour.

[592] That has been very hard because I put out a half hour, so then I truly only had to get a half hour worth of material, but then it came out New Year's Day and the months leading up to it, Hollywood, and like, LA's kind of shut down, so there weren't very many shows.

[593] So then I was like, I don't know how I'm going to figure out this new material.

[594] And then it came out and I was like, well, I have to fucking figure it out.

[595] So I just did show after show after show after show and finally figured it out, but it was a lot of work.

[596] And I don't know how people do it.

[597] Yeah.

[598] I'm always amazing.

[599] Someone like a John Malaney who just seems to...

[600] God, yes.

[601] And Jim Gaffigan, they just seem to...

[602] I think if you forbade them from doing any joke they've ever told before and said, yeah, it's against the law now if you'd do anything you've ever said before, now go to your room, they'd be back a few hours later with another...

[603] With like a full hour.

[604] A full hour.

[605] Nicky Glazer's a lot like that.

[606] Yeah, Nick Glazer.

[607] She's a joke machine.

[608] Michelle Wolf, it's...

[609] I'm very envious of people like that.

[610] also like, I don't know their process.

[611] I don't know if they're just, who knows?

[612] It's wild.

[613] I don't know.

[614] I don't think I have a process.

[615] Do I have a process?

[616] I don't think I have a process.

[617] What are you for the show?

[618] I don't even think I have a process.

[619] I think I, yeah.

[620] No, I mean, it's very collaborative.

[621] You are very collaborative.

[622] Yes, I work with a bunch of people.

[623] I think that you like to have a lot of other voices come in and give you opinions.

[624] You like listening to what other people have to say.

[625] Well, I like them to start to give their opinion.

[626] And the minute it's not what I want.

[627] You go, shut up.

[628] I go shut up.

[629] We have to tell them it's everything's good all the time.

[630] Do you realize who I am?

[631] Do you realize who you're talking to?

[632] All right.

[633] So I want to get back to your life because I'm curious if you're using the apps.

[634] Are you using the apps?

[635] Yes.

[636] That's a world that I've never lived in.

[637] I don't belong in that world.

[638] You're very lucky.

[639] Am I lucky?

[640] Yes.

[641] Because I don't know how I would deal with it.

[642] How would you deal with the apps?

[643] If I was on apps, I wouldn't know what was happening.

[644] It's awful.

[645] It's like everybody has a billion people in their and they're just swiping away.

[646] I'm on so many apps.

[647] I'm on Tinder.

[648] I'm on Bumble.

[649] OkiCupid, Raya, Hinge.

[650] I don't even know what some of these are.

[651] What's riot?

[652] Raya is an exclusive one where you have to apply to get on it.

[653] And then another member has to like vouch for you or whatever.

[654] And then there's like semi -famous people on it.

[655] And you're not allowed to take screenshots otherwise you get kicked off.

[656] And they put me on a waiting list for two full years.

[657] Is that true?

[658] Uh -huh.

[659] So are there celebrities on this?

[660] What's it called again?

[661] Celebrities.

[662] Raya.

[663] There's a lot of DJs in Australia.

[664] The lowest ring of hell.

[665] Dante did say at the very last level of hell, there's a bunch of Australian DJs.

[666] Sorry DJs in Australia, but you had that coming and you know it.

[667] Wow, so you're on these different apps.

[668] I'm curious, maybe this is just an idea I'm having right now, but an app for married men that don't want to, around, but we just want to know what women think of us.

[669] Oh, my God.

[670] That's what I'm interested in.

[671] Honestly?

[672] No, I'm serious because...

[673] That's a good idea.

[674] Like, okay, Conan O 'Brien, very happily married, loves his wife, loves his kids, doesn't want to do anything, doesn't even want to meet you, but what do you think?

[675] And then I would read the comments and they'd be like, he's got no lips, he's got BDIs, I hate him, you know, whatever, I would probably read all those.

[676] But occasionally...

[677] You'd be posting all those.

[678] I mean, you could just ask for it now on your podcast.

[679] Start a Reddit thread about your opinions about Conan.

[680] You know, his datability.

[681] His datability.

[682] To be crass.

[683] His, uh, his, his, his dick size.

[684] Well, no, let's not get into that.

[685] Oh.

[686] Oh, I thought you were leading me back to that.

[687] You know, is he, would you do this guy?

[688] Ah, yeah.

[689] Would you do him?

[690] Would you do him?

[691] Yeah, you know, and then it would be a way that I could keep track of my relative sexual attractiveness or lack thereof.

[692] But do you actually care what other people think of you?

[693] That's why I'm in comedy.

[694] It's the only reason I'm in comedy.

[695] No, I actually, I passionately, I too much care what people think about me. Not in that area because that's not an area of my life I'm exploring anymore.

[696] But if I could change one thing about myself, I would have an operation.

[697] I've probably said this before.

[698] I would have an operation and remove the part of my brain that cares what other people think of me because it's too big.

[699] I care too much what other people think and it's exhausting.

[700] Yeah, it is exhausting.

[701] And I don't like that aspect of my personality.

[702] I think that's what I would like to change the most.

[703] But, yeah, in terms of my, you know, sexiness, no, I don't really care.

[704] It's kind of a moot point.

[705] But everything else, yes.

[706] Which is too bad.

[707] That's not good.

[708] Yeah, it's sad.

[709] Oh.

[710] I'm sorry.

[711] I didn't know what else you wanted me to say.

[712] It is sad to care that much.

[713] I don't know if it's sad.

[714] I think we all care to some extent what people think of us.

[715] I don't care what people think about me, like, physically.

[716] Like, I don't give a shit.

[717] Like, beauty is subjective.

[718] Also, comedy is subjective.

[719] If you like me, like me, if you don't like me, you don't like me. It's just when I'm in front of a crowd, that's when I care about what people think.

[720] Right.

[721] That's the only thing that really truly matters.

[722] Because acting is subjective.

[723] If I'm on a TV and you hate it and you're in your basement, that's fine with me. Right.

[724] Oh, I actually don't, if I don't go on social media at all because I'm always stunned when comedians or anyone tells me, I was on your show.

[725] But then I was reading all these comments afterwards.

[726] A lot of people said nice things, but one person said, you suck.

[727] And I thought, that is the last thing in the world I would ever do is go trolling through social media to see what random people I'm never.

[728] going to meet who probably don't like me anyway.

[729] Do you really?

[730] Yeah, because that's masochistic.

[731] Well, I'm waiting for someone to tell me something I don't know.

[732] I know I'm fat.

[733] I know I'm black.

[734] I know I might not be funny to you because it's subjective, but I'm waiting for someone to be like, your heart is black and your soul is dark and here's why.

[735] And then I'll be like, oh, okay, thank you.

[736] Hey, you're right.

[737] Yeah, okay.

[738] That makes sense.

[739] I am the Antichrist.

[740] Yeah, I'm just waiting for someone to tell me something I don't know.

[741] You know another difference between us.

[742] I don't have any tattoos.

[743] I have freckles.

[744] But you get tattoos.

[745] Yes, you have God's tattoos and I have man -made tattoos.

[746] You know, my mother told me when I was a kid.

[747] I had all these freckles.

[748] They were much more pronounced when I was a kid.

[749] I mean, I just was one of those kids that was just spotted all over.

[750] And I didn't like it.

[751] And I told my mom, I don't like these freckles.

[752] Why do I have them?

[753] And she said, it's where angels kissed you.

[754] And at the time, I was sort of like, huh?

[755] And then later on, as life went on, I thought, that's just weird.

[756] That's weird and kind I think that's so cute, but also these are very tiny angels with very small lips.

[757] Yeah, and there's a little creepiness to it.

[758] A little bit.

[759] Get off that little kid.

[760] Yeah, and that many angels.

[761] Yeah, thousands of angels descended on me. Why were they kissing my low back?

[762] You know, you know what I mean?

[763] Does anyone?

[764] That is kind of creepy.

[765] Yeah.

[766] Sweet, but creepy if you break it down and think about it.

[767] But you've gone for the tattoos.

[768] Yes.

[769] I have, I think, 15 now?

[770] 15.

[771] I think.

[772] So I have a bicycle on my arm.

[773] Underneath it says a little fatty.

[774] And then I have a little pig with wings, an elephant, a flamingo.

[775] Oh, these are cute.

[776] It says, Good Night World, which is a matching tattoo I have with my best friend's to shear.

[777] On my butt, I have an ice cream cone, a lollipop, and a cupcake, and it says it's sweet, just taste it.

[778] And then next to it, I have a hot dog.

[779] in a hamburger and it says stick it in these buns than the other butt cheek I have A chili pepper that says Very Caliente Oh my God These men must be getting eye strained Like just from all that reading Well okay I got it for you know Someone to like have a break And have something to read back there Did they put on glasses?

[780] But nobody's ever read it Nobody's ever been like Well what great jokes you got back there no one's ever said it and then I was dating this dude while I got the hamburger and the hot dog and it was like taped up because I had just gotten it that day and I was like, did you notice my new tattoo?

[781] He's like, yeah, I noticed that you were bandaged but I didn't want to stop fucking you to see what it was and I was like okay, so these are pointless these are just for me. Yeah, well, man, that's incredible.

[782] That's an incredible number of tattoos.

[783] I think if I got a tattoo, I would get one tattoo and it would be on my chest and it would say I was murdered and then that way the coroner whenever I do go probably of natural causes they would have to investigate right?

[784] They would like take off the sheet and it would say I was murdered and if you're the coroner even if I was 88 years old and had pneumonia it'd be like we gotta look into this but you'd have to get it tattooed to look like it was etched in your skin yeah because otherwise if it's just in like typewriter font it's like oh well he's funny oh I would say this is not a joke I was murdered I was murdered investigate I don't know I think that's a cool tattooed again I also have dumb tattoos I have a bunch of tattoos that I made on Microsoft Word because What?

[785] This is Microsoft Word clip art and then on my shoulder here I have some Microsoft font and then on my ankles because I went to a tattoo shop saw the what it's called Flash on the walls I saw that and I was like oh they can only copy I don't want what everybody else has.

[786] I'll make my own at home.

[787] Not thinking that everyone has Microsoft Word and it's widely available.

[788] So that's, and then I figured out later that tattoo artist can draw whatever you want.

[789] Yes.

[790] So yeah, I have one, two, three, four, five, five Microsoft Word tattoos.

[791] It's like saying.

[792] I don't understand.

[793] It's like, well, I have the Exxon logo.

[794] I also have Crest Toothpaste logo I have the McDonald's arches on my ass It's just, yeah, you're like a race car With corporate sponsorship Kind of Penzoil This has been fun I have to say I was really looking forward To talking to you Because every time I talk to you It's effortless I love it I have a blast And I feel better afterwards Oh, come Thank you.

[795] No, I'm serious.

[796] I like talking to you.

[797] It's very nice.

[798] You're a very kind person.

[799] Oh, thank you.

[800] Like, my first appearance, you came to the dressing room and you, like, gave me a hug like we were old friends.

[801] And I was like, oh, that's so nice.

[802] Oh, that's nice.

[803] No, I, I mean, I think I'm a nice person.

[804] Yeah, but you don't have to be.

[805] No, I didn't realize that.

[806] I've had a lot of people say that to me. They'll, was I just did a tour, this tour, and Ron Funches would say, you're nice to other people, strangers.

[807] As if that was a weird thing.

[808] It is.

[809] When people get a level of success, success, they tend to, like, forget that other people have feelings.

[810] Do you know what I mean?

[811] Right.

[812] Like, I've met people who, you know, are famous or whatever, and they're not nice.

[813] And you're just like, ooh.

[814] Yeah, yeah.

[815] I hope to never be like that.

[816] No. Well, a lot of that, I don't know.

[817] I think it's a kind of, it's, I have really good parents.

[818] They did a really good job.

[819] So that's them.

[820] But I love this.

[821] I really love talking to you, and I'm glad that you're excited to be my friend.

[822] I am.

[823] And I will say this, you're one of the cooler friends I have.

[824] You know, you really are.

[825] You're very, and I think you're going to help me on my journey, because I think I need to channel, I need to channel not all of Nicole Beyer, but like some Nicole Beyer.

[826] Just a little bit.

[827] I need some Nicole Beyer in me. Okay.

[828] Here's something you could do.

[829] one day when you have nothing to do wake up put on a real wacky outfit ask one of your kids to just plan the day for you and then do whatever they want to do and it'll probably be stupid because kids, they're dumb you know and then if you just fully embrace it and do it you might just I don't know get out of your comfort zone a little bit my son would probably have me rob a bank then yeah rob a bank all right I'm going to rob a bank well no like do a weird little where you're not actually committing a crime, but like, case of bank.

[830] You're not a case of bank.

[831] And then when I'm arrested for hanging around a bank and taking pictures, I'll be like, my son.

[832] Yeah, be like my son.

[833] My 13 -year -old son told me to.

[834] I'm bonding.

[835] I'm getting out of my comfort zone.

[836] Yeah.

[837] I'm out of my comfort zone.

[838] That's why I taped a knife to my calf.

[839] The tattoo that says I was murdered.

[840] Yeah.

[841] And then there's a tattoo.

[842] What's this tattoo?

[843] I was murdered.

[844] Investigate.

[845] Look, man. Well, thank you so much for coming here.

[846] Thank you for having me. Nicole Beyer, I love her.

[847] I'm a fan.

[848] I love her, and I'm, uh, I'm down.

[849] I'm down.

[850] What does that even mean?

[851] I don't know, but that's very funny.

[852] I'm down.

[853] I'm down.

[854] I'm down.

[855] You know?

[856] Sona doesn't like it when I say, Peace out, Tupac, my emails.

[857] Or pay them bills.

[858] When you say that, you say pay them bills.

[859] I never said that.

[860] Yeah.

[861] Like on an email?

[862] No. On this podcast.

[863] Oh, right.

[864] We have recorded evidence.

[865] Well, I'm an idiot.

[866] No, you're not.

[867] Oh, okay.

[868] No, you're very smart man. You're wearing glasses.

[869] That's how we know you're smart.

[870] These are just drawn on.

[871] I think it's time for a little true and false with Sona, my trusty assistant, because I'm finding that people are really fascinated with our relationship.

[872] It's not the traditional boss assistant relationship.

[873] Would you say that's true?

[874] Yeah, it's not the traditional, like, I'm scared of my boss.

[875] I respect him.

[876] But, I mean, you have There's some respect there, I'm guessing.

[877] There's some.

[878] Okay.

[879] Well, this is a true thing that happened.

[880] I think you're just going to say this is true.

[881] I'm talking about a text that you sent me a couple of days ago.

[882] Yes.

[883] It was about your dog.

[884] And this is true, right?

[885] Yeah, yeah.

[886] This is an absolutely true story.

[887] Your dog's name is.

[888] My dog's name is Oki.

[889] Oki after.

[890] It's, my husband and I were in a honeymooning in Okinawa when we decided we wanted to adopt her.

[891] We didn't adopt her from Okinawa.

[892] Right, but that's when you made the decision, so you call her Okie.

[893] Yes.

[894] And I've met Oki, Oki, Oki's a cute dog.

[895] Yeah, OKI.

[896] Yeah, OKI is the spelling and that's important.

[897] So Sona sends me this text a couple days ago as a work day.

[898] and the text basically says that Oki was really sick because sometimes you do send me text that's saying I'm going to be a little late because something came up.

[899] Because I'm responsible.

[900] Yeah, sometimes they're going to be late because I'm going to go hat shopping.

[901] But, because that's a 50s cliche I love to hang on to.

[902] Women love their hats.

[903] But you sent me a text in the morning that basically the message was that you were going to be late.

[904] But the text said that it was all because your dog had gotten sick and made a mess in the apartment and I don't think you realize but you have kind of a casual texting style and you sent this text so I'm busy in the morning you know me I'm working out I'm shaving my chest what do you mean you that's a nice image for everyone out there there's a lot of stuff I do in the morning to prepare my body for the day No, and I'm getting ready.

[905] Come on.

[906] What's true?

[907] Various trimmings and various waxes and various abrasive emoluments.

[908] But anyway, I'm getting ready.

[909] And then I'm dressed and I'm ready to go.

[910] And I look at my phone and I see there's a text from you.

[911] And it says that basically, and what I see is that because of you spelled it quickly or whatever, I see okay.

[912] the eye is separated and so what I see is okay I threw up and there's vomit everywhere and shit all over the floor shit everywhere so there's vomit and there's shit so I'm going to clean it up so I'm going to be a little late and I looked at it and I'm like I typed back what?

[913] Question mark question mark because basically you just told me as far as I understand it, because I forgot your dog's name, and I forgot.

[914] So what I hear is like, okay, I'm sick.

[915] I've been throwing up everywhere.

[916] And then I started shitting on the floor, and then I shit all over the floor, then throw up some more, and then shit in other places.

[917] So now I've got to clean it up, and I'll be right in.

[918] And I swear to God, I was thinking, I understand why I should be throwing up.

[919] I didn't understand why you were dropping your pants and shitting all over the floor.

[920] And then the part I really didn't understand is why you would then race into work.

[921] so I wrote you what all these question marks and you got kind of pissed like what dude my dog's sick right I know you said you said what like you were it was I honestly didn't expect that to be a response and I was like what part of my dog is shitting and vomiting does you not understand oh okey not okay I but that is a typical day it is a true story and I told my kids that story two nights ago and it's the hardest I've seen either one of them laugh and we have a no swear policy in our house but I said before I tell the story I'm going to use the SH word because it's just a funnier story and they were obviously they were fine with it.

[922] You were like yeah go for it man but my son was doubled over like crying laughing right and I when I when you said what I remember I doubled down and I was like Oki is shitting and vomiting there's a lot of shit and a lot of vomit and I just kept repeating right i know and it was a who's on first routine brought up to the 21st century yeah uh yeah that was um i thoroughly enjoyed that it was good it was before the day even started yeah Conan o 'brien needs a friend with sonam of sessian and conan o 'brien as himself produced by me matt goarly executive produced by adam sacks and jeff ross at team cocoa and chris bannon and Colin anderson at earwolf special thanks to jack white for the theme song incident Mental Music by Jimmy Vivino.

[923] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bechton.

[924] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[925] Got a question for Conan?

[926] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

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[928] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, or wherever fine podcasts are down.

[929] This has been a team cocoa production in association with Earwolf.