The Unrelenting, Demanding Child

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[22] What do you do when your child is upset and unrelenting and he comes after you and you try to walk away?

[23] And you try to get away, but he just keeps coming and coming and won't let go of something, right?

[24] You can kind of see it escalating.

[25] It's a lot of fun, isn't it?

[26] That's what we're going to talk about today on a bonus edition, a short edition of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[27] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[28] You can find us Celebrate Calm.

[29] If you need some help, contact our unrelenting strong -willed child Casey.

[30] He's a young man now, actually.

[31] It's C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[32] and he'll help you out.

[33] Just know that the traits that irritate you most when your kids are young are the very traits that will make them successful later on.

[34] So I want you to begin to even look at your child.

[35] Here's a bonus.

[36] Once in a while, this is very powerful.

[37] Look at your child and say, you know, I wish I was more like you.

[38] I wish I had that trait.

[39] It is very, very powerful.

[40] I should end the podcast right there after one minute, but I'm not.

[41] So the child's coming after you.

[42] and what usually happens is your kids have a strong sense of justice right because they they have this high need for order because their brains are so busy and it's kind of chaotic and so that's why they're kind of bossy and controlling at times and they need to it's why they can't play board games with you they're going to change the rules of the game they quit they cheat it's why they have to prove their point all the time and then if they're a boy they're grown to a husband that does that as well and ruins his marriage um kidding but not really um and so So they have the strong sense of justice because I need to close the loop on this and I believe that I'm right and you're not hearing me and I'm just going to keep going.

[43] And so they become irrational and you're rational in that moment and you're talking past each other because they're not hearing anything you say and you're just wanting them to just be quiet and give us a little bit of space.

[44] So I want you to respond with some intensity and I encourage you to write the word down intensity.

[45] It's very, very, very important when done in a positive way with a strong, child.

[46] So I want you to stop, look at your child and say, I can tell you're really frustrated or I can tell you're really upset.

[47] What is one thing?

[48] One thing that you really want me to hear right now.

[49] I want you to try that this week and then say, I've got to go to the bathroom.

[50] I'll be back in a couple minutes.

[51] So think about that.

[52] What is one thing that you want me to hear?

[53] Now, a little variation, it might be, what is one thing that you could begin doing right now?

[54] That may be too tough for them in the moment.

[55] That's where I may go after this, right, to problem solving.

[56] So let's stick with this one of what is one thing that you really want me to hear.

[57] And then you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.

[58] Why?

[59] To give a little bit of space and time.

[60] Bathroom I like, because most of your kids are going to follow you in.

[61] because they don't want to see you naked in the bathroom.

[62] And so I come back, I'm a little bit more calm.

[63] Child hopefully has gone from a level 10 to a level 8 or level 7.

[64] You say, have you thought about it?

[65] What is one thing, just one thing that you want me to hear?

[66] And let them express that, repeat it back to them.

[67] And let's just see how they respond.

[68] That's all I want to do this week is just see how they respond because there's something powerful about that.

[69] You know what just triggered is a thought I have for you with your marriage as well.

[70] Same kind of thing.

[71] This week, I dare you.

[72] Go to your spouse.

[73] I'm not going to dare you.

[74] I'm going to encourage you to do it.

[75] Go to your spouse and ask this one question.

[76] This coming week, what is one thing, just one thing that I can begin doing or stop doing?

[77] One thing that maybe irritates you or frustrates you or one thing that builds you up and makes you feel love that makes you feel that I have your back that makes you feel honored what is one thing I can begin doing or stop doing this week and then listen to your spouse and then here's the most important part just do it just do it I talk to guys all the time like look just go to your wife what ask her one thing and then they do and they're like well she doesn't do this and she needs to do this, you know, I'm already good.

[78] And I'm like, what?

[79] That's not the point.

[80] The point is not to prove your point.

[81] The point is not to rationalize it and prove who's right and who's wrong and settle all of your resentments you've built up, right, and fix everything.

[82] It's to ask, what is one thing?

[83] And then you, it's very, very simple.

[84] That week, begin doing or stop doing what your spouse asked you to do.

[85] That's all.

[86] That's all because it's about.

[87] actions and what you are showing your spouse is, I heard you and I'm trying.

[88] And I am honoring you and what you asked.

[89] And even if you mess up, right?

[90] Now spouses, when the other one messes up, I want you to respond with, I've noticed how hard you're trying and it means a lot to me. That's it.

[91] Nothing else.

[92] Don't go into, well, if you would also do this and that doesn't make up for the fact that you did that.

[93] No, we're not going to litigate the entire relationship because we don't have 40 years left, right?

[94] I want one thing that's focus this week.

[95] Just think one thing for this coming weekend.

[96] Let's focus on that and see what changes.

[97] If we can help you with this, and that's why we're including the Calm Couples Marriage Program for free with the Calm Parenting Package.

[98] You know why?

[99] Because we try to make it really simple and guy friendly because most guys won't go to marriage therapy and when you say we need to work on our marriage it's intimidating and overwhelming so we break it down into little steps that are doable this is doable wives and husbands right if you're divorced and you're dating someone practice it with them we can do this you can do this let us know if we can help you at all love you all reach out to case it celebrate calm if we can help you please share the podcast good luck this week we'll talk to you later Bye -bye.