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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Welcome to my favorite murder, the minisode.
[17] The minisode, where we read your stories you send up.
[18] us right back into your face get ready for your own life read off paper did you ever know that you wanted to hear your own fucking email read back to you yes you did you've always known that we've always known that that's that empty feeling inside of you that's that thing that makes you smoke or eat or get high or whatever what it is is you just want your own email read to you you just want to be validated you know you just want to be like told that you are valid valid and today's the day your vilidation is coming exactly get ready for your own shit do you want me to start always um the subject line of this email is i'm sure he would have put his hands up if he had any oh no okay sometimes this is when i read things like this i'm like stephen i'm gonna have to pull you aside by the ear and i have a real talking to i don't want to be trending on twitter for the wrong reason it's like He wants us to walk that dangerous line.
[19] He's like, you guys aren't taking enough chances.
[20] You guys are.
[21] It turns out Stephen is like monster energy drink edgy.
[22] He's, yeah, he's extreme sports.
[23] Oh, shit.
[24] Steven, this whole time, we thought you were a sensitive soul.
[25] Look at him.
[26] No, he peels out all the time.
[27] He's bright red.
[28] He's the color of a monster energy drink.
[29] I mean, I have a motorbike, so.
[30] What is shit?
[31] Well, you're from Orange County and I think that's a law.
[32] Is it like a dirt bike you ride around town with no helmet?
[33] Yeah, it's really cool.
[34] Oh, hell yeah.
[35] Does it go like, ween -me -me?
[36] The hottest.
[37] Dig it.
[38] Let me take the opportunity right now to say hello and thank you to motorcross writer Jimmy Buttons, whose name I saw on a TV in a bar called The Hideaway in Petaluma.
[39] When I was so drunk, I could barely sit on a barstool, and I looked up, and there was some motocross thing happening on the TV, and just the name Jimmy Buttons came up, and I must have laughed alone for like five minutes i was like that's the best name ever and he's like a motorcross guy jimmy buttons jimmy buttons and paul onions together as commentators for fucking motorcross sports i only love men who have noun last names sorry nonsense they don't belong there right it's like if you made up a name it would be a bad made up name someone would go can you try to make up a different name because jimmy buttons doesn't make sense it's like the episode of the the Brady bunch where they're like what's your name and you're like Paul glass George George Glass because you see a fucking glass that's right just whatever's there come on Jimmy buttons come on try harder you know he doesn't have to try harder he's a fucking champion it's his real name he's a champion and it's real it says Georgia hard stark fucking two random words okay okay here we go oh I could you could be one I could oh hard is a more of an adjective all right that's true okay hi ladies and stephen uh don't like that um so i was work swing shift in las vegas oh sorry so i work swing shift in las vegas which is 8 p .m to 4 a .m. oh honey you sleep during the day yeah uh as i am pulling into my gate one morning while listening to your podcast number 31 namaste sexy oh that's fun i noticed this garage door was a open that was open when I left for work at eight.
[40] I know, I knew an older lady in her 80s lived there and that she had a habit of leaving, leaving her garage open to let her dog wander.
[41] Paranthases, she obviously knows nothing about murder and just welcomes murders into her home.
[42] She obviously knows nothing about dogs and that you don't just let them wander the neighborhood.
[43] Certainly not through the garage.
[44] let them wander places where there are less vehicles.
[45] As I turn the corner, I saw this younger gal standing in the middle of the road right in front of the garage.
[46] What?
[47] So me being a concern for this old lady, I decided to take another lap around the block by my house.
[48] This time I saw the girl and looked into the garage and saw a man standing in the back of the garage, completely still staring toward the street.
[49] Reaction?
[50] Holy fuck.
[51] I immediately dial 911 and the dispatch has me drive a few more, drive by a few more times, and has me give a description of the suspect.
[52] The girl was just wandering in front, and the guy was completely still when I drove by every time.
[53] Oh, my God.
[54] She told me to park where I could see the house, but still be safe, and let her know if they start running.
[55] The cops show up within five minutes, at least six cop cars.
[56] Nice.
[57] I watch as three officers approach the garage, and I hear them yell with their guns drawn, put your hands down.
[58] No. Put your hands up.
[59] No, no, no, they're doing it wrong.
[60] The word down was, okay.
[61] um put your hands up this is the police put your hands down i answered your question this is the police okay put your hands up this is the police they repeat this a few more times oh my god my god but i don't see anyone leaving the garage what the fuck an officer comes over to me and asks me what i saw i explained i originally just saw the girl which made me drive by again he says yeah we have her then i saw the guy which was creepy and i was concerned for the safety of the homeowner the cop chuckled and says get ready for it it's a cardboard cutout oh no put your hands down i thought he was kidding but he was not he says yeah it's a cardboard cutout i thought it was real as well until i repeated uh put your hands up and he remained still and then i realized he was pretty glossy it was a cardboard fucking cut out that tricked me and the cops he's still What was the girl doing?
[62] Well, let's see, let's see if we find out.
[63] He was still, he was still every time I drove by because he wasn't real.
[64] He was staring into my soul every time I drove by because he couldn't blink.
[65] He couldn't have run because he doesn't have legs.
[66] Still super weird that the chick was wandering at 4 .30 a .m., but I got tricked by a cardboard cutout.
[67] Thank you for making me more aware of my surroundings and more prepared when the person actually has his hands and is living.
[68] See you in January in Vegas.
[69] Continue to stay sexy.
[70] Don't get murdered.
[71] Amber, 100 % great job.
[72] Great job.
[73] What was that girl doing?
[74] What was that girl doing?
[75] You maybe saved her life.
[76] Maybe they took her in and she was having a drug problem.
[77] But when she started going detoxing cold turkey in the station, that lovely and witty cop who wasn't a dick and was really fun and light and lively about everything.
[78] went in, brought her a Coke.
[79] They fell in love.
[80] She went clean.
[81] Now they have four beautiful children.
[82] It's been quick.
[83] It's been amazing.
[84] Well, they were quadruples.
[85] They got them done all at once.
[86] Oh, I'm so happy for them.
[87] In vitro, yeah.
[88] Amber should have fucking officiated their wedding.
[89] No, she did.
[90] Oh, she did?
[91] She did.
[92] I didn't read that part.
[93] Oh.
[94] Because I just thought, who cares?
[95] No, that's gorgeous.
[96] I love it.
[97] Blah, blah, blah.
[98] Okay.
[99] Here's, this is called.
[100] Yeah, I found a dungeon in a wall.
[101] Oh, fuck.
[102] It says my favorite murderino, no, my favorite murderinos and all associated pets.
[103] Okay, great.
[104] All right.
[105] I'll take it.
[106] Thanks.
[107] I'm sitting here listening to your latest podcast where you ask about finding things in walls or floors.
[108] I've wanted to write in before, but even though my hometown is Las Vegas, I don't know any good murders from growing up.
[109] I'm not even sure I'm into true crime as much as I'm into Georgia and Karen giggling over the absurdity of life.
[110] Sweet.
[111] Fair enough.
[112] We'll take it.
[113] walls and floors.
[114] Oh, I can tell stories of that.
[115] In 2010, I got my real estate license in Phoenix, Arizona, and proceeded to find all the creepiest places in town, from the meth room hidden in a garage to the underground lounge with the one -way glass looking into a pool.
[116] What?
[117] Where was that?
[118] That you had to enter through a secret door in the backyard.
[119] Oh, sorry.
[120] It's a normal pool, in -ground pool at someone's house, but then you can go into a little creepy cellar, underground lounge with a one -way glass looking into a pool.
[121] Don't like it.
[122] I immediately just think of like, and you didn't shave your legs when you're swimming in that pool.
[123] Yeah, but then all they care about is the children.
[124] Oh, no. They don't care about your fucking shave legs.
[125] Do you see into the pool like mermaid style?
[126] That's what it is.
[127] Gross.
[128] Okay.
[129] So one day my coworkers and I decided to throw an open house at a neighborhood in an affluent area of town.
[130] The house had been foreclosed on and was empty.
[131] I get there late and I go to hang up my coat in the closet, but something seems off.
[132] The wall at the back of the closet seems closer underneath the shelf than above it.
[133] Yes.
[134] These are the things.
[135] Pay attention.
[136] Shapes.
[137] Sounds.
[138] Eyes.
[139] Open them.
[140] I asked what that was about and none of my coworkers knew.
[141] So I looked under the shelf.
[142] Your co -workers were boring.
[143] You're fucking interesting.
[144] I looked under the shelf and I find a simple hinge lock Fuck Once opened The back of the closet Swings open to a All caps Hand dug narrow stairwell No Hand dug Uh huh Going underneath the house And then in parentheses This track neighborhood Does not have basements It's wired and has a light So I turn it on and go down I find a 10 by 10 concrete lined room That locks from the outside No With a single hanging lightball and toilet.
[145] This is not good.
[146] Ladies, we didn't sell that house.
[147] We didn't touch that house after that day.
[148] I never found out what happened there, but clearly it wasn't great.
[149] I hope to see you all when you go to Phoenix soon.
[150] Please visit Antique Sugar downtown.
[151] Georgia will love the dress to stay sexy and don't get murdered, Christy.
[152] Fuck.
[153] Why on earth would you ever need a fucking 10 by 10 concrete -lined room that locks from the outside with a single hanging life?
[154] bulb in a toilet murderer nothing good is happening you cannot justify that in any way there's no way christie we're going to need an update you need to do some fucking local what is it called micro fishing yeah at the library yes yes who lived there please who dug the county get some pull some papers has anyone been disappearing in that neighborhood here's the thing hand dug scared the shit out of me single light bulb scares the shit of me but you that could have been been a carpet -lined, beautiful shag rug, carpeted room with a great couch and a widescreen TV.
[155] The fact that the lock is on the outside of the door is horrifying.
[156] That's horrifying.
[157] That there even is a lock.
[158] Why would anyone need a lock either way?
[159] Yeah, you're already down in the goddamn cellar.
[160] Like, I can get it if it's like, it was carpet line.
[161] It'd be like, okay, they're a drummer and they're like wanting to do their like math teacher jam band, you know, whatever.
[162] You know, that kind of thing.
[163] Yeah.
[164] This is problematic.
[165] Yeah.
[166] I'm going to need more information.
[167] It's problematic is the name of the band, the math teacher jam band, the problematics.
[168] The problematics.
[169] Fuck.
[170] I'm on fire.
[171] So good.
[172] Okay.
[173] Okay.
[174] That's her first single.
[175] I'm on fire.
[176] Shit.
[177] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[178] Absolutely.
[179] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.
[180] Exactly.
[181] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great.
[182] rate for online sales.
[183] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[184] That's right.
[185] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[186] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[187] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[188] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[189] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[190] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[191] Connect with customers in line and online.
[192] Do retail right with Shopify.
[193] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[194] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[195] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[196] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[197] Goodbye.
[198] Hey, this is exciting.
[199] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on Audubon.
[200] August 27th.
[201] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[202] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[203] Who killed Saz?
[204] And were they really after Charles?
[205] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[206] This season, murder hits close to home.
[207] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[208] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[209] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[210] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[211] Get ready for.
[212] the starriest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[213] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[214] Goodbye.
[215] Hi, gang.
[216] You sounded so desperate.
[217] So this is the story of my mugging, almost turned kidnapping, turned whole new level of driving skills.
[218] Oh shit.
[219] Shit.
[220] Okay, so I've been an art teacher a high school art teacher in Arizona for three years and I love my students and my job unfortunately the neighborhood I work in is pretty fucking sketchy my co -workers always told me to avoid the campus at night but before seven I could always count on the coaches athletes and parents who are hanging around one evening before seven I might add about a year and a half ago I was walking back to the school from some face painting event at the elementary school across the street she's painted like the clown what's his name Pogo the clown.
[221] No, she's not.
[222] So as I turn the corner to the parking lot, I see that, oh, fuck, my car is in the middle of a completely empty parking lot.
[223] I rush to my car when I see what I first thought was a student running toward me, but it's actually a guy with a knife.
[224] No!
[225] When I tell him, I have no money, he forces his way into the car, making me get into the passenger seat and says, we're going for a ride in parentheses.
[226] shit what the fuck at this point he takes my glasses and throws them in the back seat i'm i'm talking a million miles an hour to get him to change his mind after a few minutes he takes my phone asking me for the password a thousand times and says if you want to live don't move i'll be right back and gets out of the car without my glasses i'm completely blind oh no but i wait 15 seconds scramble into the front seat and immediately haul ass girl yes girl at this point it's dark and All I can see are fuzzy taillights and streetlights.
[227] I love it.
[228] Oh my God.
[229] You're being forced to drive blind to get away from this fucking situation.
[230] Do it.
[231] Who cares?
[232] Driving a fucking car.
[233] Drive into a McDonald's and get people there to help you.
[234] People will come out if you do that.
[235] Yes.
[236] Crash into something that will make someone mad and you will immediately have someone there with you.
[237] Screaming and someone else will run.
[238] And scare the other person.
[239] Okay.
[240] So, luckily, I'd worked there for a while.
[241] So, though, so I managed to make it.
[242] home off of mostly memory.
[243] They never caught the guy, but I'm convinced the only reason I can function is because of how supportive law enforcement, my friends, family, and coworkers were.
[244] My boss even insists on the buddy system for teachers staying after school.
[245] Therapy helps too.
[246] While the whole thing gave me a newfound interest and maybe obsession into true crime and I fell in love with this podcast, I'm proud to say I stayed sexy.
[247] I did not get murdered and I'm so excited to see you guys live in Phoenix.
[248] Wow, SSDGM, Aaron.
[249] Aaron.
[250] Fuck, Aaron, congratulations.
[251] I wonder who that guy was and what his plan was and what he was thinking.
[252] Would the person really wait?
[253] No, he was on drugs.
[254] Yeah.
[255] I bet you he was on drugs.
[256] Where did he go?
[257] He just wanted some money.
[258] Yeah, that's because also how fucking stupid of like, wait here.
[259] Oh, sounds good.
[260] Yeah.
[261] No. Get laser eye surgery, everyone.
[262] Yeah, that's a good idea.
[263] Get laser eye surgery.
[264] And you know what's really interesting.
[265] My sister said this to me, and this was from back.
[266] when the fires were up in Northern California, my sister goes, never let your car go near empty.
[267] Yeah.
[268] Don't do a thing where you can get yourself stuck.
[269] You're right.
[270] And I fucking like cruise in on fumes.
[271] Constantly.
[272] I do it constantly.
[273] Oh my God.
[274] Don't do it.
[275] Just have your shit prepared.
[276] Get your shit together.
[277] Me. Also, don't be afraid me. Don't be afraid to have spare glasses in like a glove box or something.
[278] So I, I don't wear glasses, but, But the thought of, like, being blinded that way terrifies me. Like, one of your senses being fucking easily ripped away.
[279] Yeah.
[280] Scares the shit out of me. Yeah.
[281] Just because of glasses.
[282] Yeah.
[283] Let's do laser surgery on you right now.
[284] Let's do it.
[285] Because you are just a floating blur.
[286] Are you serious?
[287] No. I'm a doctor right now.
[288] Let's do this.
[289] Well, I have a, my last one is a, is, look how great we are one but um but look sometimes this is where the skippers are going to want to leave fuck you skippers fucking put your glasses on and stick around a while this is called just a quick thank you uh dear george and karen i'm not sure that you will read this because you probably get tons of emails all the time but i figured i'd send you an email anyway just in case guess what we're reading it a few months ago my aunt introduced me to your podcast and since then I've become absolutely obsessed.
[290] I've spent the last seven months in treatment for an eating disorder commuting around an hour each way every day to get the treatment, to get to the treatment facility.
[291] I spent 12 hours in there doing therapy groups, eating meals, etc. Every day on my drive, since my aunt introduced me, I've listened to your podcast.
[292] I wanted to thank you and Karen for not only being so open about mental health and the importance of it, but for giving me a good laugh and a great listen on some of the hardest days.
[293] on the days where it felt it felt impossible for me to get up and start the fight all over again.
[294] I at least knew I had something to look forward to during my car rides.
[295] I don't think you guys know how much of a difference your podcast is made, especially in my life.
[296] Thanks for everything you do.
[297] Keep on, keeping on.
[298] Never stop fucking everyone and stay sexy and don't get murdered.
[299] You guys rock, Amy.
[300] And so I've been in fucking rehab for anorexia before and the eating meals thing, like, as being part of the treatment is a huge thing.
[301] and that kind of hit me so yeah where they they force you to do it and you have to and all the girls are like I think they put something in here that makes you gain weight and it's like no you're just eating regular meals now yeah so I don't know yeah I'm I relate too but I have it in the other direction and it's it no matter what direction you have it in eating disorders fucking suck yeah and you also get stuck I guess the thing I would like to say is you get stuck in these weird tiny loops of obsession yeah and the practice is just making the those moments longer and not giving in yeah like it's a discipline and it's hard to do but it's basically power through remind yourself it just your brain and powering through and i know this is i'm not saying this is a solution blah blah blah well all this stuff is a practice and a reminder yeah until it starts to stick but you're so many people go through this so of course so many women go through it and it's just basically you're you deserve to live a full life and a good life and to be healthy and happy.
[302] And what a wonder, as someone, as people who came out the other side and I don't have those issues anymore, I mean, I have issues, but not those specific ones of like how great it is that you do finally get a focus on something else other than what you're consuming and what you look like and how, you know, and it's, you're able to take care of yourself and it's a fucking incredible feeling.
[303] It's, and you get there.
[304] Yeah.
[305] And the weird thing too about, because there's no, nothing blew my mind harder than.
[306] And the first time I took my eating disorder in the other direction and lost an insane amount of weight, the first time I quit sugar and flour.
[307] And I didn't know that I had body dysmorphia until I looked exactly the same to myself.
[308] And I had lost 80 pounds.
[309] And my aunt called and was like, you look like you're dying, start eating again.
[310] And I was like, what are you talking about?
[311] And honestly, all I could see was how fat my butt still was.
[312] And that's when I knew, I was like, oh, I'm in the middle of this and I can't trust myself.
[313] because this is a real thing.
[314] Like, I'd always read about, like, people talking about body dysmorphies, like, that's bullshit.
[315] And, like, when you see it on, like, lifetime movies, it's like, you see this big, fat, fucking you know, it's not, it's not extreme like that.
[316] It's, it's basically telling yourself you look like trash at all moments of the, of your life.
[317] It's, it's hyper -focusing on tiny things that no one sees and using that as, as your reason to not live.
[318] Right.
[319] I don't love my fucking.
[320] body, but I love living and eating so much more than that and being happy and not obsessing about it.
[321] I'd rather if I can have a little gut and not be obsessing about my weight all the time than be skinny.
[322] Well, here's the thing too.
[323] It's you get to live and and when you, those diseases affect your brain and the more the further into it you go, the more you become convinced of a thing that isn't true.
[324] Right.
[325] And, you know.
[326] Which is that your worth is in what you look like.
[327] Right.
[328] Which it's not.
[329] No. At all.
[330] But also, you're not alone because so many of us go through, it's a very common thing.
[331] Yeah.
[332] And it's really hard.
[333] So fucking keep fighting.
[334] Amy, kick ass.
[335] Amy.
[336] Amy, do it.
[337] Do it.
[338] You're doing it.
[339] Kick ass.
[340] That was a good one.
[341] That's nice.
[342] That's good.
[343] I like that.
[344] Yeah.
[345] Let us tell you.
[346] Let us tell you about our problems more than your problems.
[347] Because we've done it.
[348] We're going to do it again.
[349] I'll fucking, I'll listen to your problem and I will fucking pass you and overtake you on the left and I will be like, here's my problem.
[350] And listen to me. And that's why this is my favorite murder.
[351] It's not your favorite murder.
[352] Not your fucking favorite murder.
[353] It's mine.
[354] It's mine and hers.
[355] Everything's mine and hers.
[356] It's ours.
[357] Stay sexy.
[358] And don't get murdered.
[359] Bye.
[360] I love this.
[361] You want a cookie?
[362] Yeah.
[363] He said nah.
[364] Want a cookie?
[365] Oh, that was a yeah.
[366] That was yes.