Consequences Don't Work! Why Good Behavior Doesn't Matter

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[23] Hey everyone.

[24] This is Kirkmart.

[25] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[26] And I just wanted to address one overall theme in this podcast, and it's really about behavior, because I get emails every single day about, well, my child doesn't care about consequences.

[27] That's normal.

[28] None of our kids do.

[29] And how do I have a well -behaved child?

[30] And I just want to reorient your mindset in a few different ways on this, because I'll just tell you, my goal is not to have a well -behaved child.

[31] I think that's horrible, right?

[32] I don't wake up in the morning as a 52 -year -old guy and say, you know, my goal for today is to be well -behaved.

[33] Not at all.

[34] My goal for every day is to use my gifts, talents, and passions to help other people.

[35] I want to be kind and patient, merciful and merciful, I want to have a mission for the day.

[36] I want to be even more than productive.

[37] I like to be effective because I like to do the right things well.

[38] Right.

[39] But that doesn't have anything really do with behavior, right?

[40] Because some of you, I think, because you're naturally good people in a sense.

[41] And for some of you who have been raised in kind of a religious environment in which everything was about just behaving well to curry God's favor or in your home, it was always just about having good behavior.

[42] You kind of get obsessed about behavior, and in some ways you'd live a very defensive life, right?

[43] It's kind of a cautious life.

[44] I'm going to be a rule follower.

[45] We're going to make sure that I don't mess up.

[46] And that's not the way your kids are made.

[47] And I don't think they should be made that way, right?

[48] These are kids with initiative who have ideas, right?

[49] And they're going to make mistakes.

[50] And they're going to mess up and they're going to fail.

[51] And some of that is just going to happen because they have energy and they're bright and they've got ideas of the way they want to do things.

[52] And if you listen to any of the CDs especially, I really, really encourage you, if you don't have this one, listen to the CD on enjoying your strong will child, because you have to understand how these kids are made, right?

[53] Because they are different.

[54] And I will guarantee you they will never, ever, ever live up to your expectations.

[55] And if you're honest in life, nobody else will either.

[56] Right.

[57] And that's your issue.

[58] They will never do things the way you want them done.

[59] They're just not, they're not, they're not.

[60] And I don't care how much you want them to and look you're right the way you want things to do done is good right it would be easier it'd be great for the child but they're not made that way and you're going to have to let that go so i want to give you some perspective on different way a different way to look at your kids so a lot of parents write about consequences about obedience and i just couch it this way is it really about being obedient or is it about trusting your parents and doing what they want and doing the right thing, right?

[61] Is the way that you approach parenting, and I'll throw this in, the way you approach your relationship with God, is that about fear or is that about love?

[62] Right?

[63] Do you think, do things because, watch, do you do things because you fear a consequence, right?

[64] Or do you do things because it's just the right thing to do for someone you love?

[65] right?

[66] Do you do the right thing for your spouse out of fear that if you don't do the right thing, they're going to be upset at you?

[67] Or is it because there's an expectation of their pleasure?

[68] Does that make sense?

[69] What is your mindset and why you do things, right?

[70] Because I don't want to go through my life doing things for other people, including God, if this is important to you, because I'm just afraid of the fear of the consequences.

[71] And because I think, well, if I don't live up and I don't do the right thing, then God won't do good things for me, right?

[72] Or my spouse is going to be upset at me, right?

[73] That's actually, that will bring death in your life, right?

[74] And that's where those endless consequences that we give with our kids, well, if you don't do this, X will happen.

[75] Look, there's nothing wrong with giving consequences.

[76] We're big into consequences.

[77] When I do consequences, my consequences are harsh, but that's for another time.

[78] I'd rather give kids tools to succeed than just give them consequences in its endless loop of you messed up, you did that wrong, so I'm going to take this away.

[79] It just leads to death in your relationships.

[80] That word is important, relationship, right?

[81] Is it about, look, these emails sometimes, there's just so much about the behavior, the outward behavior, and what I'm after is the heart, inside your child, their heart.

[82] And not in a soft way of like, oh, get away, you can do whatever you want, and I don't care because we just love everyone no matter what they do.

[83] Not at all.

[84] I'm really tough.

[85] I'm really tough on kids, but I'm getting inside their heart instead of just responding and reacting all the time to outward behavior that irritates me. So that makes sense, and I encourage you, beware of this.

[86] Beware of judging your child's intentions in their heart because sometimes their behavior is wrong and bad, no doubt about it.

[87] But sometimes we attach motives to that, right?

[88] You're lazy and unmotivated.

[89] You don't care.

[90] Right.

[91] You're selfish.

[92] And your kids will appear selfish because they appear very self -centered.

[93] Sometimes, by the way, that's because they have an extraordinary amount of anxiety.

[94] They don't always have a lot of confidence.

[95] So inside, they're spending all of this time inside trying to hold their little worlds together.

[96] And so it makes them appear that they're very self -centered.

[97] And if you really see it in the right way, you'll see that you have an anxious, frustrated child.

[98] Most of your kids who are really defiant.

[99] I'm not excusing the defiance.

[100] But the truth is, I wouldn't describe most of your kids as defiant.

[101] I would describe them as very frustrated kids.

[102] And if I can get inside the heart and figure out the source of that frustration, then I can change the heart.

[103] When I get inside of a child and I reach inside and say, you know what, that anxiety that's in there, when we go to a new place that causes you to react and fight me, and whether it's with homework, new experiences, anything else, that anxiety, that feeling of being overwhelmed.

[104] Watch, I go one of two ways.

[105] You're to find little snot that makes my life difficult.

[106] I don't know why you have to make everything so challenging.

[107] You know, we rule the home.

[108] You know, we can't do anything because you're always unhappy.

[109] I mean, that's one way you can go.

[110] And it's all kind of true, right, based on their outward behavior.

[111] And I always like to say this.

[112] You're justified in thinking these things.

[113] You're justified completely in yelling at your kids if you want to.

[114] You're justified.

[115] It's just that it doesn't work and it destroys the relationship.

[116] And it doesn't work because you're only reacting to the outward behavior and not getting to the root and solving that.

[117] Because I guarantee you as a grown adult, you don't like it, right?

[118] You don't like it when people judge your outward behavior.

[119] When you're having a bad day as a mother, you don't want people coming along and saying, you know, you just need to be more patient with your child.

[120] You don't want, you want someone to come along and say, I imagine that you're really frustrated.

[121] And then you would say, yeah, because I love this kid.

[122] And I have no idea what to do with him because consequences don't work.

[123] And so then I get upset and I get frustrated.

[124] I say negative things and I yell at my, and I scream.

[125] See, when you yell and you scream at your kids and when you lecture all the time and micromanage them, that's your outward behavior.

[126] And you don't want me coming around or someone else saying, you know, you're a horrible parent because you yell at your kids.

[127] That's not the issue.

[128] The issue is you love your kids, but you have a lot of anxiety because they're not living up to their potential and they're different than you.

[129] You yell and you scream and you lecture micromanage because you have control issues, right?

[130] And that's your issue, right?

[131] But that's getting to the root of the issue.

[132] And that's what you want and that's what our kids want to is for us to come along and say, it's not about the behavior.

[133] I don't care about your outward behavior.

[134] I want a relationship that's based on trust, not trying to please me and go through your day without losing all of your stuff.

[135] Can you imagine how awful it is to be some of your kids?

[136] I'm not making excuses for them, but just think about it.

[137] For the time they get up in the morning, they're in trouble because they don't live up to anyone's expectations, because they don't startle in the morning.

[138] They didn't sleep well because many of your kids don't sleep well because they have a lot of anxiety or maybe it's a medication issue, whatever it is, they've got busy brains, and so they're tired when they wake up, and they don't want to eat, for many reasons, whether it's sensory issues, whether it's medication, whatever it is, and they don't want to eat, and they're picky, and so breakfast is annoying, and they don't want to go to school because they have social anxiety, because they get along great with older kids and adults and little kids and animals, but they don't get along that well with kids their own age, which is who they have to spend a whole day with, right?

[139] And school's noisy and it's boring.

[140] And to be honest, a lot of school is stupid.

[141] The stuff that they're doing they know is a waste of time and they're really bright kids.

[142] And so they have trouble and they're leaders.

[143] So they take initiative and they get in trouble for that in school because they're not good followers.

[144] And they're not always good at listening to directions.

[145] And their whole day comes down to, sorry for this, but I'm getting upset, a stupid freaking behavior chart where their whole day is measured by, are you on red or yellow or green?

[146] How would you like to go through every single day at your office?

[147] At the end of the day, you have to stop by your boss's office, and he either says, you know, today was a red day.

[148] You know, you started on green in the meeting this morning, but this afternoon, your performance really fell apart.

[149] So I want you to take home and show your spouse this little red card because you were on red again today, and nobody's happy with you.

[150] You would hate your life.

[151] And so sometimes that's what we do to our kids.

[152] Everything's just about being a well -behaved child.

[153] And I want you to know the strong -willed child is not going to be a well -behaved child.

[154] That's not who they are.

[155] And that's not what I want.

[156] I want a curious kid who loves to learn.

[157] I want a kid who sometimes breaks the rules.

[158] you know why because some rules are arbitrary and stupid and they deserve to be broken and i used to tell my son sometimes son there are rules that are meant to be broken but your guide guide post is i always want you to do the right thing some schools had a policy if you were physical in any way with another child you were automatically suspended for a week and i told my son if you ever see another child being bullied, you better step in and defend that kid because that's the right thing to do.

[159] And if you get suspended for a week, good.

[160] I'll throw a party and I'll take off of work and we'll go to amusement parts and do fun things all week because you did the right thing.

[161] Right?

[162] And that's hard for some of you because you're such rule followers and there's nothing wrong with that because we need people who follow the rules and who listen to other people because you've got a lot of mundane things done that the rest of us won't because we're not good at that stuff but you've really got to come to terms with the fact that you may have a child that's really different from you and you're going to think that this child's going to end up in hell i don't usually say that but it came out i'm going to roll with it and you think this child's going to end up in jail right you've said it if we can just get him to adulthood and so i want you to reorienting your mindset and say, what do I want from this child?

[163] I want the curiosity.

[164] I want him sometimes to push the limits.

[165] I want that big heart of his to come out because these kids have really big hearts, just never towards you, right?

[166] But they have big hearts, but we're so busy trying to confine them, right, that we never let that big heart come out because the other thing is we're so concerned about their academic performance.

[167] And that's a whole other.

[168] podcast they'll do, but we're so consumed with behavior and grades.

[169] Good grades, good behavior equals a good child.

[170] And guess what?

[171] If you go with that, you're going to raise a child who is angry and doesn't like himself.

[172] You know why?

[173] Because he's just not a kid with good behavior, although he's got a big heart and all these great traits, and he may not always have great academic performance.

[174] Does that make sense?

[175] We're so obsessed with it and it will stifle your child and they'll end up just resisting you.

[176] Why?

[177] Because they know I can never please anyone in my life.

[178] And I want you to reorient things and say, I want a curious kid who loves to learn, even though he doesn't want to learn what I want him to learn or what a teacher wants him to learn.

[179] But you're going to have to be flexible and you're going to have to run with that a little bit and let him pursue his passions and his interests, even if he doesn't get a good grade for that.

[180] These kids, do you realize what a gift they are to you and to me?

[181] My son was this kid.

[182] He is this kid.

[183] And he altered the course of my life forever because he challenged everything that I believed as a parent as a human being.

[184] And he pushed the limits and pushed the boundaries.

[185] And after I finally got tired of trying to change him, I realized that I was the issue and I need to change myself.

[186] And when I change myself and controlled my own anxiety, I could look at him in a fresh way and say, this is the kid that I want.

[187] I want a kid who pushes the limits and I want a kid who has a big and given heart, even though his behavior is sometimes pretty bad.

[188] Right?

[189] And he doesn't follow the rules.

[190] But he does the right.

[191] When it comes down to it, my son does the right thing.

[192] My son to this day has a mouth on him.

[193] He is sarcastic and he's smart and he's quick and he's cutting and it is funny.

[194] It is really funny but sometimes it's really inappropriate and he clearly got that from his mother.

[195] No, he got that from me. But you know what I know about my son?

[196] No matter what he says sometimes in his sarcasm, when it comes down to it with people, he does the right thing and when he was a kid little kid younger kid even a teenager he wasn't all that motivated and disciplined and he didn't clean his bedroom well but today he is a beast of a young man as a man i'll call him a man he is highly disciplined he does the right thing he works really hard he's he all those qualities that i wanted him in him they're there but i want you to look at your kids in a different way.

[197] If that sounded too harsh, I do apologize.

[198] I'm just passionate about this.

[199] And I didn't really have, when I made a few notes for this, I knew it was going to be all over the place, but I kind of wanted to roll with it because I want you to hear that.

[200] And I wanted to provoke you a little bit to say, we don't have to raise this kid the way everybody else is raising their kids.

[201] Or, watch this.

[202] Or the way you're raising your more compliant child.

[203] You're going to them in two different ways and it's going to be uncomfortable for you and you're not always going to know the right thing to do but I want you to come back to those principles it is why I want you to listen to the CDs again and again and again and again because it gets it inside of you and you need constant reminding you need different strategies for these kids I want your kids to listen to our CDs so they can look at you and say mom dad that guy and his son They get me. That's the way it feels inside.

[204] I don't wake up every morning just trying to be a bad kid.

[205] Will you please see me in a different way?

[206] I want them to be able to feel understood, right?

[207] And if you struggle with this, I encourage you, and I'm going to say this in kind of a brutally honest way.

[208] We are doing these parent boot camps, and I only have two of them that I can do.

[209] One outside of D .C., one in Dallas.

[210] and I will just tell you if you keep emailing me, I will be kind and compassion, I'll answer your emails and I'll be nice to you.

[211] But if you keep doing that, and you don't change your perspective, and if you don't find a way to get to these parent boot camps, because I'm going to go, I have a whole day where we can go into depth on very complex issues and give you very, very specific answers to your situations.

[212] if you don't make your make yourself available to that and get to those things look i don't know what else to tell i i want you to be at those things because it's going i believe i believe it's going to be very life -changing this perspective this is about i've gone about 18 minutes right now i'm going to have hour after hour to hammer on and really get into some deep things about your kids and even about yourself to change you so i encourage you look it up on celebrate com email if you want if you need help email or call my son Casey because he is your child look I am you I am your husband you know before I changed before I changed I was that guy and my son is your strong will child so he gets you so his email address is Casey C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm dot com our phone number is 888 506 1871 you will almost always receive a call back very, very quickly because we are very, very on top of things because we're not always the most well -behaved people, but we work our butts off, and we are very good at this, and we have all those qualities that you want.

[213] So just do think about that as I close this up of, what do you really want for your child this coming school year?

[214] To be a well -behaved child who just gets good grades, or do you want something else?

[215] How do you want to define that?

[216] Because that will shape your school year.

[217] Anyway, thank you for listening.

[218] Check us out at celebrate calm .com.

[219] We've got a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm, and check out our other podcasts.

[220] But if we can help you anyway, we're very passionate about this and we want to see you change.

[221] My goal is, I've got 22 seconds left.

[222] I'm keeping this under 20 minutes.

[223] My goal is generational change.

[224] I don't just want to change your child's behavior.

[225] I want to change your family tree so you're different for generations from now on.

[226] So thank you for investing in that and doing that.

[227] Thank you.